blankingbloom

[blankingbloom]

3/20/25

everything goes by so quickly. all my friends suck, I wish I had better ones. I just want at least 1 sane available sweet person other than my boyfriend. Is it all so much to ask for in the world? spring break sucked. wish I could be able to say I deserve better.

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12/18/24

I failed 2 college classes, and I feel like shit. It's good to know that it isn't the end of the world yet, and I can just redo it all over again because I have the chance to. Maybe it all gets better from here, and I want this degree so bad.

[blankingbloom]

10/23/24

I dont think i will ever be able to move on when i think about them. but to out of bitterness and spite, i will do better than you ever did

i dont know what to do right now

i want to run away

i want to go home

i dont feel good with my thoughts or being alone.

i wish ive done better or maybe i couldve gone back into the past. but honestly what good does it do thinking like that. maybe i dont know what i want to think. it all feels like so much and it is overbearing. i want to run away from my thoughts and how much i just overthink. maybe i hate myself. maybe i dont believe in myself as much as i really do think i believe i do. my heart hurts and its more overbearing each day that i can handle.

[blankingbloom]

7/3/24

Time just flies by when you're busy. I just went on a cruise recently and it was so much fun, I still have dreams about it. That was a lifetime experience for me. I also graduated a month ago, and that was also a really crazy experience. I finally don't have to go back or repeat high school. I even attended orientation for college, and it was really fun and I think I can actually make friends by just reaching out to others!

I think Im ready to go :)

[blankingbloom]

5/26/24

Dear Angelica (aka future me),

Hey! How are you? Before I start my thousands of questions, let me first say, congratulations on graduating and finishing your senior year of high school!!! this must be a bittersweet moment for you, as I am experiencing this at the moment as a junior watching the grades above me graduate and do senior activities. Graduating is a once in a lifetime moment, not everybody gets to graduate due to unfortunate circumstances, but congratulations! Thank you so much for staying strong, the k-12 system is literally horrible lol. I just wanted to say, I (17 year old Angelica) will forever be within you. I am you, but I want you to have no regrets or wising to be me because “life was so carefree” 💀💀 naw it’s not I’m suffering rn lmfao I have 3 summer classes, a job to juggle and volunteer opportunities to catch up on and college apps 😿 whomp whomp. I so desperately want to be you right now! It may feel insufferable at the moment and you feel lots of bittersweet feelings and loneliness being unleashed from hell (prison) (kleinisd) (kleinhigh); you should know that there is a whole chapter ahead of you and you’ve achieved a milestone! When something ends, a new opportunity arises. I hope you’ll feel better soon, knowing how I feel now will probably affect you 10x deeper (you’ll understand). Highschool for me was no fun adventure; I was barely sociable, barely any friends (like a few ofc I’m not a loser), I felt like I wasn’t on track to be my genuine real self anytime soon, but you have the opportunity to change that through college. I need you to be stronger for me until we get our masters in compsci 💀. Be an academic weapon once more for us plz!! I know you want that so bad. I know our experience wasn’t the best, especially during covid and certain situations, but there is a whole life ahead of us, that is depending on our actions. I trust us to keep it up! BTW Im missing a ton of the 2023 seniors, I can’t believe that it’s real. It low key hurt seeing everyone I had classes with especially in financial math, english, photography, and a&p graduate. It’s so bittersweet it low key hurt my feelings, especially seeing everyone I grew up with who were a grade above me. I don’t want to forget them at all, I want to remember who they are! I never peaked in high school, but I’m never going to see these people again, unless it’s by a rare chance someday, I doubt they would recognize me. I guess I just grew attached. Anyways, I have some questions LOL.

1. What is our plan after graduating Highschool? What college are we going to?

2. Did we end up submitting any of our SAT/ACT scores?

3. What’s your favorite song currently?

4. Are we still dating Ben?

5. Did we make any new friends?

6. What is your college essay about?

7. What made us stronger?

8. How was senior year? Was it any easier taking AP classes? Do we understand pre-calc?

9. Do we still want to take comp sci?

10. What happened to your H‑E‑B job?

11. Did we get any stoles/cords for graduation or not?

12. What was our final Highschool GPA?

13. What’s our class schedule?

14. What do we look like now? Do I still have short hair? Do I still look gay?

15. Can we crochet with greater experience?

16. What’s your biggest worry?

17. Are you happy?

Thank you for reading this!! Respond to my questions soon. Goodbye! I will always be within you.

Sincerely, Angelica

____________________________________________________________

REPLY:

Hi Baby Angelica!

Since you're from the past, I have so so so much to catch you up on. Time flies by when you're consistently stressed out. But don't worry! I will answer your millions of questions first! Then we can actually discuss :)

1. What is our plan after graduating Highschool? What college are we going to?

A: We are doing Computer Engineering! After hours and hours of research, I wanted you to have opportunities in both the computer science and electrical engineering fields. I want you to have a lot of pathways so you can have tons of money and opportunities! We are going to UT Dallas. We got CAPPED from UT Austin and UW-Seattle was way out of our budget sadly. Maybe someday my love :(

2. Did we end up submitting any of our SAT/ACT scores?

A: Hell no, they were too low LMFAO

3. What’s your favorite song currently?

A: Talk by Beabadoobee, Antihero by Taylor Swift, any MSI song

4. Are we still dating Ben?

A: Yes <3

5. Did we make any new friends?

A: YES! We aren't friends with.. those girl(s) anymore. They were bad for you. WE HAVE MORE GENUINE AND KIND FRIENDS!! There is a whole world out there waiting for you. I love my friends.

6. What is your college essay about?

A: Bugs. In the UT Austin essays, we wrote about photography, allergies, tamagotchis, etc.

7. What made us stronger?

A: Learning to adapt, spreading love, reading people, putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations in order to grow. Being with likeminded people!

8. How was senior year? Was it any easier taking AP classes? Do we understand pre-calc?

A: PRE CAL WAS MY MOST HATED SUBJECT. It is so fricking hard I dont think I ever understood the concepts. The AP Classes had lots of work in it but you managed your time fine and it was never that serious anyways (except AP 2D art) that sucked a lot. Senior year was shit im not even gonna lie. I didn't even attend like 98% of the events LOL. Fuck no I am not going back!

9. Do we still want to take comp sci?'

A: Computer Engineering babe dont sweat it

10. What happened to your H‑E‑B job?

A: OUR LAST DAY WAS TODAYYYYYYYY

11. Did we get any stoles/cords for graduation or not?

A: One stole for NHS, one stole for DUDU CREDIT!

12. What was our final Highschool GPA?

A: 4.6/6.0 LMFAOOO

13. What’s our class schedule?

A: -1st period: Late Arrival (Used to be Photography 4)

A: -2nd: AP Art History

A: -3rd: Photojournalism/Office Aide

A: -4th: AP Psychology/Interpersonal Studies

A: -5th: AP 2D Art

A: -6th: AP Pre-Cal (idk how u survived but girl... never again)

A: -7th: Early Release

14. What do we look like now? Do I still have short hair? Do I still look gay?

A: You got the short hair back and we still look gay asf. We have new pink glasses though and they're see through! We still have bangs. Shit load of stretch marks though smh. Im like 115 pounds now.

15. Can we crochet with greater experience?

A: fuck no

16. What’s your biggest worry?

A: If my roommates will like me, I'll feel lonelier, money, If ill be smart enough for college, if my friends now will still want to hang out with me :(

17. Are you happy?

A: I could be happier but I am okay! Not stressed right now :)

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5/9/24

High school, I am going to miss you so fricking much. I have never been so miserable and confused in my life but you've taught me so many lessons.

Turns out, I do live past the age of 18, what a miracle.

I thought I'd be 16-17 forever, I guess not. Life goes forwards.

Would I do it again? Maybe, or not really. I loved the people I met and connected with. I love having crushes in school. It made me feel something. A feeling that wasn't loneliness

I wish the circumstances were different. I went from wanting to work in the medical field, to becoming an engineer in college

I hope I do well

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5/8/24

I look back at those days and wish I never left. Why does a great deal of loneliness come over me? It feels really isolating and lonely.

I put in my 2 weeks at work a few days ago, on Tuesday. My last day of school is this week.

Why does it feel so lonely? Dont I hate school and work?

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5/2/24

ITS AY WTF IM STILL DYING!!!!

I love my friends. I never want to leave them, but I have to. I love you guys so much, you have no idea how much you mean to me.

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4/26/24

im still dying i cant do it anymore

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4/7/24

i think im fucking dying i feel horrible. i say the wrong things all the time.

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4/1/24

Im not in a good mindset I think Im going to spiral im fucking dying please help me somebody

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3/31/24

I need school to end. I am going to fucking give up. Its April 1 tomorrow. I keep dreaming weird dreams of the same people I know. I'm sick and tired, I just want school to be over. I have homework. I'm tired.

Sometimes Ill get too tired and depressed to do anything.

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2/27/24

IDK HOW I ENDED UP HERE. I FUCKING GIVE UP. MY MENTAL HEALTH IS SO BAD. AGGRGEJGRHESGRJES I NEVER GET TIME FOR MYSELF. IT ALWAYS ALL DEDICATED TO SCHOOL. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. I CANT ENJOY THE SMALL THINGS I WISH I COULD ENJOY.

WHENEVER I GET TIME TO MYSELF, LIKE WANTS TO TAKE THAT SHIT AWAY. WHAT NOW? WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE WANT FROM ME.

[blankingbloom]

2/2/2024

Tbh, I don't even know how the fuck I ended up in the future. Maybe all of that suffering led to where I am to be who I am now today. Maybe my self-esteem came back. Maybe things did get better. Maybe it was just "January", the most depressive month.

As for college, I did not get into UT Austin or UW Seattle as planned. I got CAP'd from UT Austin on February 1st, and my parents wouldn't even let me apply to UW-Seattle due to the expensive tuition, and realistically not even being able to afford it. To be realistic, I couldn't afford ANY of those schools.

I am now going to UT Dallas, my 1st backup school. I don't know, a part of me feels like I can't even brag or write it in my bio. Not that it is a bad school, but it's the fact that it's so inactive. It's known to be a commuter school.

I don't want to go to U of H, because commuting from my house to downtown Houston is one big fucking nightmare. Also, I don't want to see anybody from high school, as much as it reoccurs. I want to be able to grow as a person and shed old skin.

Reaching out to other people is hard, I'm scared I'll get a bad roommate. I'm scared that people will not want to be friends with me. Even of my irrational fears, this is how people grow, and I have accepted it.

Anyways, the pros of UT Dallas is that I get to quit my bagging job. LOL. It makes me tired, I don't know if I grew up. I get tired easily. I feel like I've emotionally grown. Maybe not even to the fullest, but I am starting to feel myself. I am trying to get rid of the long sleeves though.

Also, I no longer care about my ex-best friend. That relationship has served its purpose!

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12/12/23

Today was the last day of a normal school day for this year. It's officially over.

This marks the halfway mark of my senior year. I am almost done with HIGH SCHOOL. How am I almost finished? I was literally 12 a second ago, crying because I had no wifi to play Roblox on my phone.

I'm excited but also scared. I'm scared of what's to come at the beginning of adulthood. Maybe I took high school for granted. I'm scared.

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12/1/23

How the FUCK am I still alive? I don't even know LOL. Anyways, how is January? I expected this to just be a short journal entry anonymously online, but it could be anything know at this point.

Anyways, how is January 1st? How is it going? Umm.... anything new? This is like time skipping!

UPDATE 2/2/2024:

JANUARY WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE WTF!!!! IT WAS THE SLOWLEST MONTH OF THE WHOLE YEAR. NOT TO MENTION, THIS YEAR IS A LEAP YEAR SO THERE IS AN EXTRA DAY ADDED ON TOP OF FEBRUARY.

I can't even start to describe how much that month sucked, waiting every single day checking MyStatus for my UT Austin decision only to end up CAPPED. Even my boyfriend was CAPPED and he tried even harder at school.

Honestly, life gets better from here I think. Just do your best! I hope you are prepared for January.

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11/25/23

I don't know why I feel so rough so often. Today, it especially hurts. I feel hurt. IDK. It's nothing new though. My "ex-bestfriend" of.. so many years threw me away like that. I don't understand. Do I care though? Yeah, not really. Maybe I am a little lonely? Kind of. I don't know what Is the root of my discontent. Why can't I focus on the good parts of life? I guess you can only give these things time. Time is what heals us. It gets better each and every day, to always stand up for yourself. Loving yourself is important. Always be kind. I guess some people just can't understand that concept yet. Fall break is ending, this sucks ass.