brokenheartbone

[brokenheartbone]

We are in the 8th week

In the beginning (remember Day 11?), the waves of sadness were fast and frequent, but would vary in intensity between crashes against the shore of emotional stability and gradual swells of heartbreak over peace. 

Nowadays, the general state I’m in is Peaceful. Sometimes the peace expands into contentment, sometimes it even morphs into happiness. That’s a beautiful and odd feeling for me - actual legit happiness. The sadness comes infrequently and is always prompted by something specific - a dream about my husband, or an interaction in real life that leaves me emotionally strained. He still finds it necessary to call me names every.single.time. he sees me. On Thursday he called me non-human. 

It’s obvious we’re all better off like this. (I can’t speak for him of course). My children and I are doing very well indeed. 

I have kept up with my research, it’s my therapy; constant reading on subjects like NPD, BPD, emotional abuse, how to heal/recover both from plain old heartbreak and from more insidious behaviours and actions. It’s been very helpful to identify what’s been happening to me in my marriage of ten years. Although there were minor signs of abuse before we were married, I know now that it all changed after we were married. 

Something that has come up in my reading is the subject of Trauma Bonding. That in an abusive relationship the physical body of the victim becomes addicted to the rush of hormones and emotions experienced in an abusive episode even as the victim’s mind KNOWS this behaviour is abusive. So when the abuse stops, or the abuser is gone, the victim still feels this horrible sense of longing for the abuser just for the equivalent of a “fix”. The physiological reaction to abuse becomes the victim’s drug, and withdrawal from it is painful and confusing. This research has helped me understand my situation post-breakup better and has helped me to identify what my mother-in-law has been living through for some 30 years. I always half joked that she had Stockholm Syndrome, seemingly numb to the fact that she is married to someone as narcissistic, controlling and domineering as her husband, my non-husband’s father, but I wasn’t far off. Stockholm Syndrome is a form of Trauma Bonding. She has been enduring her husband and his tactics for far longer than I have had to endure the same from mine. 

It’s this fact alone that makes me so thankful my husband left me. He did me a huge favour. He broke the cycle with our family that he could never break with his parents, and that his mother could never break with own abusive husband. 

[brokenheartbone]

Valentine’s Day is Hard

I guess I knew it would be. But the day before was worse in a way - we’d had 40 cm of snowfall and it took me three hours and a lot of sweat to shovel us out as I got heavy dark grey in my mind over my non-husband having taken the snowblower when he left. Worse was that he didn’t even ask if we managed OK after the storm. I can’t be surprised still. He thinks of no one but himself, unless thinking of someone else benefits him in some way. 

I forget too that when I become exhausted I get sad; my emotional health slides as my physical health does. So I was dark by the end of the day and on Valentine’s Day my bestie and I spent the day shopping before she had to head home, and tears kept welling up as I saw things that I caught myself thinking he’d like, or possibly needed. A pair of shoes, some PJ pants, something sweet to eat...my heart ached as I realized with every item I moved past that I no longer will bring him little things I think of. And neither will he for me.  

Later that day we managed not to be home when my non-husband was meant to pick up the kids. Back out shopping and look at me with a brand new professional leather knapsack. I got an email: “I’m not good to come in. Can you help the kids pack their bags? I’m about 10 minutes away.” 

A turmoil of emotions: panic that I wasn’t at home and couldn't help the kids, resentment that he should assume I was, anger that he asked me to help while he sits in the van “not good to come in”, and why not? Because he’s so sad its V Day? Like it’s easy for me? Rage: HE CHOSE THIS. It was HIS decision to end our marriage. Desperation as I asked for advice on how to respond as we stood in line for the cashier. And frustration that he can’t even adult for his children. That something like a stupid Hallmark holiday stops him in his tracks even though he chose this, even though his kids need help. He is SELFISH and SELF ABSORBED. 

I wrote back “Sorry, I’m not at home. Have a great weekend.” And later his juvenile response  I figured that out. Thanks. 

and SNAPCHUNK, another cog in the gearwheel of heartbreak healing happened. Acknowledgement and acceptance are good healers. 

[brokenheartbone]

Time Heals

When it first happened they all told me TIME, you need TIME. I hated it because I needed Time to go faster; flash forward me into the future when I am healed and recovered. But it has been 7 weeks since this all began - no, not since this all began, merely since he left - and Time has been helpful. More helpful though are the incidents that demonstrate his complete 180 degree change from the person I thought I knew. 

I have been obsessively studying, researching, reading everything I can find on NPD because a lot of the descriptive symptoms fit the person he became after we married. Of course, I’ve stumbled across enough things to make me question my own mental health which has been enlightening. (In amongst the name-calling he often told me I had a brain disease - that there was something seriously wrong with me). The great news is I continue to attend weekly therapy and feel confident that if anything was seriously wrong we’d be tackling it there. So far most of my work has been on recovering from the emotional abuse I now know has been taking place since 2010. 

I don’t have a definitive answer to the question about my non-husband’s mental unwellness but I have been documenting every damn thing he does that negatively affects me and our children as we continue to forge a path through this new territory. He has managed to keep his job but he refuses to miss work to take his eldest to his doctor appointments. He plays games with me about whether he can take the day off to cover the PD Day in an attempt to keep me feeling unsettled - this tactic rarely works because he makes plans with the children who then relay the info to me unprompted. I’m also not stupid and can see right through this BS every time. Guess what? He managed to get approval for the day off. (I’ve met and had several conversations with his boss, back in 2016 when he had this job the first time - he’s a decent man who would never say no to a day off for family requirements. My non-husband forgets so much in his new life of lies). He refuses to respond to emails about the children and our custody arrangements until the last minute. Yesterday he claimed to be too sick to pick them up for his visitation (a custody arrangement he proposed several weeks ago) so I was expected to drop everything to go pick them up after school. He didn’t ask, mind you, just stated that he was unwell and EVEN HAD TO LEAVE WORK EARLY. I love this new work ethic of his. Shame it never presented when we were married. (Big fat question looming: is he too sick to get high? Doubt it.)

Best ever is the info I get from more innocent and transparent sources. That my children were left alone for an hour while he ran errands. That he smokes joints in front of them during the day. That he cries and claims he’s afraid I’m going to tell them things that will make them stop loving him. I am aghast at what he thinks I might be capable of while he is blind to his own actions. 

I continue to love my children with all of my heart and ability. I continue to provide a safe place for them emotionally and physically. I continue to provide for them the things they need for school, field trips, play dates, lunches. I continue to move forward, ever forward, with less and less worry and concern over what he might be doing in his life. Yesterday, finally, much to the relief of my support team, I met with a lawyer. 

Seven weeks doesn’t seem that long to be as strong as I am now. Then again the whole thing was a fucking eternity. 

[brokenheartbone]

I Was Missing

On Friday last I attended the opening night performance of a show some friends of mine created and starred in. 

I received the invitation to opening night and the reception that followed some weeks ago. I get the invitation for every opening night but I never accepted - I was too anxious to attend, afraid I would bump into people I would be sad to see since leaving my career in theatre behind. I wasn’t sure I’d have anything of worth to talk about, and not sure who would be my date...my husband is a party-pooper, he tends to prefer the quiet comfort of home than to socialize. And if he does agree to join, I spend the whole night worrying if he’s enjoying himself, if all he’s thinking about is how soon we can get home so he can get high, if he plans on sneaking off to get high while we’re out. It was easier to decline the invitation, sometimes not even respond at all. Besides, who’s got money for a babysitter?

This time, with my non-husband gone, I allowed some interest in the possibility of attending. It grew until I texted my bestie to see if she’d come with me because I knew I wanted to go but needed a pal. I had an outfit - it was purchased on wicked sale two days before my husband left me. I would go straight from work...I’d get my hair cut on the way!

The evening was a smashing success. My hair looked amazing, I felt great, I put some makeup on, there were absolutely no nerves, none of the old anxiety that I used to carry with me when I was married. I looked forward to seeing everyone; all my old theatre friends, all my former colleagues. My old life! 

I was truthful with people who asked about my other half. I told them he left. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed even in the midst of my heartbroken confusion. They can know. I don’t think the non-husband has told anyone, he leaves that to...that’s his gig. I felt compassion for them as the shock and sadness crossed over their faces. They said sorry one by one and I said “I am too” but there was a confidence in me, fueled by the anger of a woman scorned. And after the sadness passed, I saw a new expression come over their faces - something akin to confusion. I felt it, I answered it silently “I know. Weird that he left ME...”. At one point I remember saying to someone “I’m sure he has his reasons...” and I realized I have no idea what they are. 

I still felt amazing when I got home at 2am after gabbing with my bestie over Pad Thai from the local takeout. I analyzed the feelings, I turned them over and over - what is this? Why do I feel so good when I should be so sad? And I realized that Friday night was the first time in about 10 years that I have felt so authentically ME. I realized in that moment of discovery that for the time I was married, I was pushing down authentic parts of my personality. I was hiding the real parts of who I am. For him. I had been missing. I had been missing me. 

[brokenheartbone]

My recent life-I’m free now

https://www.quora.com/share/What-are-some-of-the-most-common-phrases-narcissists-use-40?ch=10&share=f9ec0b19

[brokenheartbone]

How to Adult

It’s when I found the key to the old house on my new house counter that I began to snap out of the heartbreak and ease into the reality that my non-husband is a selfish child-man who just can’t take responsibility for anything.

I found it on Sunday evening after he had come to take the coffee machine. I looked at the key and the only thing I could figure was that it’s the door key to the old house we left last month, due at the end of this month. I’d already returned my key to the former landlord over a week ago, after I handled cleaning up the massive mess my non-husband left behind. He cleared out the garage, the dark cave he spent hours escaping in. He left everything else to me. And then he left me the key to take care of too.

So it wasn’t breaking our son’s heart just to hurt me that did it. It wasn’t that he helps himself to whatever he wants in my house after he’s left us. It wasn’t even taking my dad’s money and buying weed with it. It was the simple act of not even being able to return a key like a grown up tenant.

[brokenheartbone]

Take Confusion

Sunday morning he emailed to say he’d return the kids’ pillows at 10:45am and could he have the coffee machine too? He let himself in through the garage but doesn’t have a key to the door so then there was pounding. I was in my pjs but ran down to open up...and discovered he’d brought a friend with him. So there I am in my pjs suddenly making small talk with a mutual friend as my non-husband takes the coffee machine and asks me if I’ve seen his books, his tools. These interactions confuse me so much—I’m trying to move forward but he keeps coming into my home like he still has claim here, treating me like I’m still his wife, like I know where all his things are.

I cried when our mutual friend showed me his post-surgery arm. How awful for him to be in such pain, and how awful me to be in so much pain too. He asked me how I was doing later and seemed not to understand that my husband had left. He said “oh don’t worry about that! It’s just a blip! Just a transition.” Once again I’m so confused-is my friend being lied to as much as I have been lied to? What is the truth? Should I be moving forward or waiting in case my husband comes back? And if he does, would I even want that? I re-read my journals today. They are filled with truth. Filled with how much turmoil he puts me through.

I still miss him. Long for him to hold me. Or maybe I’d take any pair of strong arms. As long as they made me feel safe.

[brokenheartbone]

Decide

feeling like if I have to be any stronger I’m going to vomit. 

[brokenheartbone]

Day 20 Morning

I caught a cold last night. I immediately took Vitamin C, made a pot of tea. Couldn’t get through my show (YOU - Netflix, its fascinating, and especially interesting to me as I navigate my new situation) so I went to bed early. I awoke at 8am, the kids are already up and watching various devices. I took an Advil Cold. I can’t be slowed down. I have to look after myself. And we have a movie to go to today!

Waking up is difficult. Some mornings I’ve forgotten what’s happened and as I put reality back together in those first few moments the realization that my husband is no longer part of my life crashes down with an intensity that pulls my breath. Other mornings I wake up well, healthy, and ready to keep putting one foot in front off the other. Friday morning was like that - the day after I found out he used my father for weed money. This morning is hard because my non-husband and I had a bad interaction yesterday when he brought the kids back. 

The kids came in and my littlest, my only girl, came straight to me for a hug and I lifted her up as they all told me bits and pieces of their weekend. I received all the information well, with positive responses and encouraging remarks. Suddenly he was back out the door as quickly as he had come in - no greeting, no goodbye, is he a petulant teenager? I saw him walk away and quickly called out “Bye!”. I don’t know how to deal with behaviour like that. Avoidant behaviour, my therapist calls it. Juvenile, I think. 

I brought the kids upstairs to show them their rooms - I had moved a desk into my middle child’s room and put an area rug down. I wanted to surprise him. I had also acquired new clothes for my daughter. Suddenly my non-husband was in the hallway...I hadn’t wanted him to see this. I was afraid he’d twist it into something awful. He tends to take the nice things I do and turn them ugly - like I do these kinds of things to negatively impact him. He asked about seeing the kids midweek and the cold prickles of fear started in my arms. He had told me on Wednesday he wasn’t available anymore for school pickup because he got a job - now he says he wants to see them....that state of confusion he pitches me into all the time is only one of the tactics he uses to keep me guessing. Of course I got defensive; I have to protect myself against him. I know what the other tactics are and they come quickly if he starts to flail - name calling, lying, rewriting history, stonewalling, gaslighting, crazy-making. He asked how I was going to pick up the kids, did I have a vehicle??? None of his damn business, I thought, he LEFT US. I have had to put the pieces back together on  my OWN. So once again like a pissy teenager he stormed out before we could finish the conversation and I had to chase after him. He got in the van, my van, and drove off. 

I keep thinking I can have a normal conversation with him. But it’s impossible. He is so defensive and so angry and so messy, and I am so scarred and so afraid and so hurt. It’s more peaceful apart, but how did this even get like this?

[brokenheartbone]

Day 19

I thought today I’d get my navel pierced again. I got it done in 1994 with my classmates in theatre school and it was an amazing bonding experience. After growing three babies I finally had to surrender the jewelry and over time I’m sure the hole has healed over. But the more time I spend alone, recalibrating, redesigning, and remembering the me I was before I lost myself in my addiction, my marriage, and in the confusion of being in love with an untreated depressive with unmanaged anxiety and an addiction to weed, the more ideas I have of how to reclaim me. So maybe a repiercing of my navel. Or a new piercing-my nose...just something I can do that is mine in this new phase of life.

[brokenheartbone]

Day 17

He spent time at his bestie’s house. His bestie sells him weed. I thought “What’s he doing over—OH NO” and immediately emailed my dad. “Did you give him cash?!”

“Yes, I gave him $60 for a tank of gas.”

My dad got played over breakfast. That money didn’t go to a tank of gas.

And then it clicked. The big gear wheel of cogs clicked into the next spot—one more closer to me healing and getting over being married to an addict. That he would lie to my father two weeks after leaving me and the kids to get money for dope is low even for him. That man will take kindness from anyone and turn it ugly.

[brokenheartbone]

Day 17?

Weeping in the Starbucks.

School busses were cancelled this morning and the non-husband took the van when he left us so I collected bus fare and we took the public Transpo three stops in the miserable freezing rain. It was adventurous but stressful-I wanted to make it fun for the kids but my broken heart at the unfairness of it all prevented me. He’s tucked in warm in his bed sleeping in while I struggle getting the kids to school. Now he’s getting dressed so he can meet MY father for breakfast. I am bereft. I am so sad.

I stopped in at Starbucks and couldn’t control my tears over my venti Pike. A kind older man brought me a stack of napkins.

[brokenheartbone]

Bustext

I miss texting him to say what bus I’m on and seeing his response “great!” Or “see you soon!”

I’m on the new bus route home to our new house where he no longer lives. I tell tumblr. See you soon.

[brokenheartbone]

A few days ago, I don’t know, maybe yesterday—time takes FOREVER like this—I woke up and saw the almost full moon in the middle of the morning sky and thought “That pretty much sums up my fracking life right now. Moon in morning, messed up days, torturous nights”

I hate the shape of my life right now.

[brokenheartbone]

Smashed love.

[brokenheartbone]

Day 17

Two hour drive to work in the snowstorm. Lots of time to weep.

Can’t focus at work. Two weeks away from me and he’s already got a job, something he couldn’t do the whole time he was married to me. I guess it was me all along.

[brokenheartbone]

Day 16 yesterday

My father and my stepmom came over for pizza dinner with the kids. It was nice having other adults in the house. I found out my father invited my non-husband (what do I call him? Ex? Estranged?) out for breakfast for tomorrow. I have mixed feelings. I said “I don’t know why he would agree to breakfast with you when he’s left me and the kids”. My dad said simply “because we’re friends.” That’s nice for them.

I’m jealous. No one from his family has reached out to me. I’m alone in my heartbreak.