brokenwings-bleedinghands

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

I don't do it on purpose

I swear

I've always been like this—

It gets done right now

Or not at all.

Worksheets frantically filled in

In the space between

Handed out and the ringing bell

Or lost forever in a backpack grave.

I'm still the same person—

The worksheets are all that's changed.

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

It isn't the pain

Not really, anyway.

It's the way

I thought it was normal

The way

I have to get up and keep moving

Through things that would have most others

Calling in sick

On my best days

On my worst

Most anyone else would be in the hospital

It's the way

It took so little time

For most sympathy to stop

And turn to what I "should" be doing

People who still love me

But can't accept that not everything can be fixed

Of course the pain is hell.

But it's never really the pain.

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

There is a fire burning inside me

If I let it —

If I let go —

If I stopped caring —

I could destroy so much.

I have learned to be dangerous

I have learned to hide it

I have learned where every silent line falls and where I cannot cross —

But I could forget.

Some days

All I want is to forget.

To stop protecting everyone

And instead

Teach them why they should fear me.

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

I have no way to call you home

So I lie here and dream of you

I call your name into the sky sometimes

When I'm alone and lonely at once

I sing along to music in my car

So loud and so heartbroken that

I think it must bring you forth from thin air

Materializing in the passenger seat

But you're never there

I used to beg God to bring you back to me

But now the pleas stick in my throat

All coming out as rage and threats

I don't know if God can die

But I'm willing to find out

You have always been a part of my soul

The world looks different without you

I am a whole person

In my own right, of course —

I knew this

But that doesn't change everything

Doesn't mean I wouldn't burn the world down —

Just to be in your arms again

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

God loves you, but he isn't interested in saving you.

God loves you just enough to turn his back.

God loves you just enough to have that strange forlorn look on his face as he throws you into that pit.

As he tears you to shreds.

As he burns you to ashes.

God loves you like the hunter loves the deer.

God loves you but all you can think is maybe it would be better if he didn't.

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

I'd rather rip my own teeth out than be inspirational.

I am a foot soldier in a war that never should have started

I have had to walk on feet stripped to the bone and crawl across fields of glass and nails

Just to survive.

And the only thing that is

Is heartbreaking.

I was a fucking child,

and someone took a sledgehammer to my mind and soul.

There's nothing inspirational about that

[brokenwings-bleedinghands]

Do I scare you?

Good.

I hope you choke on me

On my anger

On my unwillingness to make myself smaller for you.

I will not be your inspirational "warrior"

I will no longer pretend my pain doesn't matter

Or beg for your understanding

I will be loud and angry and unapologetic and

God help you if you tell me I shouldn't

Because i will destroy you