hellothisclutteredmindofmine

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

(I'm)ight be back

Hello again

After months of disappearance, I am back. It's odd, writing again. It has been a while since I've done any form of written outlet. I don't really know what I want to talk about today. I am currently waiting for a document to print. I've instructed for it to print, however the computer is taking ages to process it. I don't know whose communication abilities have gotten worse, mine or the computer's.

Well, I have graduated *yaaay*. I'm no longer living in Malaysia, I'm back to Saudi Arabia, which is my "this-is-where-i-was-raised-land". Never knew what to call it, because it isn't my homeland nor is it my birth-land, however I've been here since I was 3 so it is the only place I can truly call home. I mean I know my home country is Sierra Leone but I have no actual physical relationship with her. But I do love her and cannot wait to make a home of her, but for now I'm trying to make money for sustainability. I am an accountant. Can you believe it? Me? A whole accountant. I remember saying I wanted to be one when I was in Grade 3, but Lord knows I changed to several options after that. In fact, at some point I wanted to be a contemporary dancer, I have always wanted to do everything *laughing emoji*.

But truly truly, I've always wanted to be a lawyer. I have this desire to protect people, and to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. But everyday, I watch that side of me break down into pieces, and honestly I am trying to forgive myself for it, because I have so much work to do on myself first.

My documents finally printed in case you were wondering. I just checked for the availability of the second dose, but I swear I have the worst options, most of the locations given to me are out of town. I'm just going to have to wait till I have access to the ones near me, plus it's not like I'm planning to travel anytime soon.

I honestly feel so exhausted and drained today, I feel like nothing can bring joy into my life right now at this moment. These miserable days are the worst because not only do you already feel like shit, but then you feel even shittier because you convince yourself that you are just ungrateful and need to feel joy regardless of the pain weighing no your head. My soul doesn't feel at rest, and I just want to run to God in immense speed, but I literally feel stuck and pulled down. I feel so sluggish and I just want this phase to pass. If this is my pre-period depression, let it just come and go because I am done.

I think I should end this here and head to my boss. He is probably done with prayers and I need to get things done. So adios and may we find peace in every corner of our heart.

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

gabimulder via instagram

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

— Haruki Murakami

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

I am literally begging, BEGGING modern media to portray healthy relationships. enough cheating. enough infidelity. enough disrespect. show me people who love each other, proper communication, and a strong mental as well as physical connection. I want plots about people who are madly in love with each other and STAY madly in love with each other. please. I am losing my mind.

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

me: feels an emotion and expresses it

abused brain: apologize 

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Ducklings’ first swim!

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

jesshunt2 via instagram

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

A R T Villa / Puntarenas, Costa Rica

© BoysPlayNice

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Serene Natural Airbnb in Tulum 

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

— Alanis Morissette, "Sorry to Myself", Under Rug Swept

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Alhambra Palace, Granada, Spain

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.

— Haruki Murakami

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

vieitnamese farmers harvest water chestnuts in fields of blowing waves of grass (x)

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Old habits die hard

Hello page!

I know I said I was going to be consistent, but now ended up disappearing for weeks *laughing emoji*. Sorry past Amina for disappointing you. Anywho, let’s do a little catch up on what I've been up to. So, I believe I've stated before that I've made a youtube channel, but unfortunately I do not have the appropriate camera, and now i’m full of regrets (: But it’s alright, I’m not going to quit because this is my way of self sabotage, and your girl ‘s finna grow this year regardless of all the hurdles being thrown at me. I

I have also been cooking alot, but it lessened this week due to my gastric acting up, and me gagging with every bite of food I eat. I literally just ate a cucumber, yoghurt and had some water for suhur (last meal before we start fasting), and I feel like puking already.

We are currently in the last 10 days of Ramadan, our blessed and favourite month of mine. I’ve been growing a lot spiritually and physically. I started learning the seerah and as well as the important characteristics mentioned in the Quran that one should obtain, and i’m starting to verify as i had realised a long time a go that I am a shitty person. I am a horrible friend, daughter, person in general really, but this isn’t something I've only realised after learning the important characteristics, it’s just that after knowing how important it is to express your love and gratitude to both your family and friends, it just hit me hard, because that is what I've been struggling with and hating myself for not doing.

I feel like the whole notion of if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love somebody else is being taken too literal by my unconscious. But the thing is, due to be not actively loving people around me by calling and staying in touch and always replying late and ignoring messages is what is making me hate myself even more so how am I going to love myself, if I am not actively loving the people around me.

It’s been a real battle for me, and I think it’s time I wake up and change. Even if I fall back down, I can get back up. Feeling so inadequate in my own life and at the same time in every single person’s life that I love is really taking a toll on me.

[hellothisclutteredmindofmine]

Do you know the amount of germs your shoes carry from outside? I wouldn’t wear my shoes in my own house, let alone somebody else’s home and I find it very disrespectful. You need to be aware of both the emotional and physical harm you bring into people’s lives, so yes bringing your shoe into my home is a form of you hurting me. 

Do you remove your shoes when visiting someone’s home?

Do you or do you not? What is the right thing to do?