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Why does the world discredit God and all his glory when it comes to all the beautiful things in life in nature, but when it comes to pain and suffering you ask 'where is he now?'

He's done nothing but brought you opportunities and life, beautiful unforgettable moments, the small things, good people, food, shelter, love, guidance, protection, mercy.

Everything wrong with the world is not the doing of God.

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The way we started off was so magical. It was simple but we clicked so well. It had to be the most special way I've ever fell for anyone. I didn't fall at the beginning, I fell when I started to see your heart and your mind.

You were beautiful.

There was much more to you than I'd imagine. I didn't think we'd talk for as long as we did, but we couldn't stop. We became inseparable.

You made me feel good. You made me feel alive again. You made life less painful and I was so grateful for that. I didn't know how to return the favor besides love, care and support. You reciprocated the same feelings, which is why it felt more real than anything I've ever had. It felt good. I felt content and happy. When people asked how I was, I was confident in saying I was doing great for once, all because you were mine.

You took my stories to better understand me. You listened to me, you heard what I had to say, you were so nurturing, you validated me, you made me laugh, you made me feel beautiful, you made me feel like there was so much more to me that just a shell of a human. There was nothing I wanted more, than to make you feel that same way and better. And so I did, I think. You never gave me Butterflies, it was just constant feelings hope, security and happiness.

I loved your voice, always so joyful and precious. It calmed me when I wasn't well. You always said the right things, everything someone like me wanted and needed to hear. We had different lives yet we still made things work. You were the one of those people that were so well put together, humble and motivated that I admired. I envied you in that sense, I'd always hope it would rub off on me. You were so kind to everyone. You have a huge hold plated heart deep inside you. On those days you'd come to tell me how you helped resolve things between your brother's, would make me so proud that you're proud. You were so mature, you got shit done. When you'd play piano or guitar, or learn songs for me, my heart grew more fond, especially that first time. In fact, we connected a lot through music, a love language. Then there was the goofiness that I couldn't get enough of, and how I loved when we fell asleep together, you're like a baby, can knock out in seconds. You looked so peaceful, I'd have done anything to have laid beside you and rub your back. And your sleep talking?? Entertainment.

Oh dear lord, your smile.

A drug. Your smile is a laced combination of ecstasy, lsd, Molly, heroin, coke, meth, weed, and everything addictive. I was hooked. You have the prettiest teeth, and the way your pretty lips curve to your teeth created a master piece. You smile line echoed on the outside. The tightness of your cheeks and the crows feet at the corners of your eyes. Everything from the 2 little moles to your jaw line to your nose, I adored. I was obsessed. It's so descriptive because every time I think of your smile it lights up my insides, even after some time. You were perfect. You were so good for me. I thought I found my ticket out of the darkness and I did for a while.

We made plans, put hope into each other, named our future cats and kids. We made jokes that only we could understand. We created this world with each other and I loved everything about it, I was proud. It's a place I never wanted to leave, it felt more welcoming than my own home, more safe, real, hopeful.

From the day I thought I was going to lose you for 2 months, I knew that I was attached, and that didn't take long. You put effort into avoiding the separation. We both made it to each other as much as we could. It was this chaotic love story we accidentally built. Everything seemed as if it was a persistent touch of Kismet. Sometimes we'd find each other at the same time and it was beautiful, we'd say, feel and think the same things. All the effort and time put in, made things feel more incredible than they already were. I felt like I was needed for once and you made that clear. When we thought we'd lose each other we made promises and planned on strengthening when the time was up. We wouldn't have to struggle to talk or text, we wouldn't have to wait until our schedules aligned, we would get to stay up late, talk all night, watch movies, and be much closer than we already were. We had so many plans. So many.

I was in love with you, but I guess it was just a summer fling.

1:06am, 10/05/2021

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What God Says about Himself & About You

1. “I am who I am” - Exodus 3:14

2. “I am the beginning and the end. I am the first, and I am the last.” - Revelation 22:13

3. “I am light; in me there is no darkness at all” - 1 John 1:5

4. “My hand laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I call to them, they stand forth together.” - Isaiah 48:13

5. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.” - Jeremiah 1:5

6. “I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.” - John 15:16

7. “I am he who blots our your transgressions. I will not remember your sins.” - Isaiah 43:25

8.”To all who receive Me, who believe in My name, I give the right to become children of God.” - John 1:12

9. “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?” - 1 Corinthians 3:16

10. “My Spirit is within you.” - Ezekiel 36:27

11. “I will not leave you.” - Deuteronomy 31:8

12. “I will equip you for every good wok I’ve planned.” - Hebrews 13:21

13. “I gave you a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” - 2 Timothy 1:7

14. “I will build my church through you, and the gates of hell will not overcome it.” - Matthew 16:18

15. “I will comfort you as you wait.” - Isaiah 66:13

16. “I will remind you this is all real.” - John 14:26

17. “I am on my way.” - Revelation 3:11

18. “My steadfast love endures forever.” - Psalm 138:8

19. “In just a little while … I am coming and I will take you to the place where I am.” - Hebrews 10:37; John 14:3

20. “You will inherit the earth.” - Psalm 25:13

21. “You will be with Me, I will wipe every tear from your eyes, and death will be no more. Behold, I am making all things new.” - Revelation 21:3-5

22. “My kingdom is coming. My will will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” - Matthew 6:10 

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Songs im waiting to scream at/with someone

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All the hope I have left has resided in God.

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My family cant grasp the concept of depression.

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I would like to know why in hell I have so much remorse and care for someone who has continuously hurt me and damaged me, my entire life.

This has lead up to me being okay with guys hurting me and keeping them in my life.

This has lead up to constantly needing validation and being kept in check.

Here is something, if you stay in an abusive relationship and have kids, you take part in letting them feel just as trapped as you.

6/13/20, 3:18am, literal 3am thoughts.

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Things are okay here

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I hate that I compare myself to people, with every chance I get.

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I love this place, this blog, because I can say how I feel without hesitation. So for tonight I feel so alone and I keep pulling my hair out, waiting for a text or just for a wave of affection to last me until the next. I'd just like to know when I'll find fill that void in me.

3/30/20 11:04pm just painting.

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I have no idea what real love feels like.

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I come back here a lot, and I'm glad I created this blog. It shows how I've grown, that things I think at certain times, fluctuation in my heart. I need to date every entry though. Anywayyyy.. here are some random things on my mind ever since the social distancing has begun.

I enjoy being alone for a few reasons, but loneliness is a large con so being alone. I enjoy being alone because it just me and my thoughts, but if I'm alone with my thoughts for too long they will hurt me. I enjoy being alone because no one can compare me to someone else and I can not compare myself to anyone else. I isolate myself so I dont feel judgement of others, I'm in the comfort of my own presence. When I'm alone for too long I really do over think, I stumble upon my mistakes, my flaws, things I could have done, and by then I just need the comfort of others to shut me up. I know its normal.

We learn to live, and we live to learn. This is applied to everything, and it's simply beautiful.

Tell yourself, how lucky you are. I learned this from a musical haha, but I apply it religiously to everything that goes wrong in my life now. It is perfectly okay to be sad or hurt but things could have been worse even by the slight fraction, things could have been worse, so stop for a second, breathe, and realize what you have and how things really could have been. You're lucky.

3/19/2020, 9:39am

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Listen here. If you got thick thighs, fat ass and skinny waist, fuck you.

I got fat everything, psoriasis and a crappy dad.

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I'm always so blind when it comes to liking someone.