learningtobe-s-blog

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Catching up

Well hi... it’s been a little while. So I guess to you who read my posts when I was making them you deserve a catch up to my life as of now? Not that anyone will see this lol.

So the last time I posted wow I was in a truly dark deep place. I didn’t see or feel happiness. A lot of insecurities and hatred really. But gee im much better now. Im not exactly the guy I was mentally before the whole experience that sent me on the downward spiral to dispair. But in me, and I’m better than I used to be.

As of now me and my wife (yes, I am still married to her. I’ll catch you up on that too.) are in a weird position. But first let me fill you in on the small details on my life. My dog nova whom I used to have when I was posting, she had to be given to a much better home. And I was angry for doing it but at the time she needed a place with a yard not a one bedroom apartment! We now after having moved into a house with a nice yard have two dogs. Milo and X, Milo is a little shihtzu and x is a lab pit mix saved from an agency. I love them to death!! X specifically has a lot to do with why I am alive today. He saved me from myself. I have not made any new attempts at my life lol just the one way back when. I got a waiver and was promoted from Private First Class to Specialist 6 months early. Which is crazy to me because I totally earned it.. I worked hard despite my home life! Now I’m guiding soldiers who are in the position I was in just a short year ago lol. It’s cool. That’s pretty much it for my life... oh wait right I forgot to mention me and my wife’s current situation. After a YEAR and a HALF of us fighting over everything from her cheating to me not being over her having cheated. We finally realized we both are not that happy. So after a vacation I had already paid for in July we are going to peacefully take time away from eachother to see if we are happier separate...

#life #talk #update

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Life

A struggle

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Spiraling

Do you think that self harm is bad?

Sometimes I feel like I ENJOY being sad. I feel like the way I harm my self is just as bad as how other do. I don’t cut, I don’t physically hurt myself. I hurt my life, my happiness.

I constantly find myself just trapped in depression it’s like I’m drowning. I’m tired of life. I’m tired.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Lost strength

I’ve given up, I tried my best to be a good friend, to be a good spouse, a good boyfriend. But I’ve learnt that I can’t trust anyone and I feel evil inside. If I were to idk forget it. I’m just done trying

[learningtobe-s-blog]

I’m trying to find motivation to go on.

No story today. I’m alive. Barely.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Violent heart

I’m not doing as good as I wanted to. You know how the two people I trusted most betrayed me for eachother. How I Unknowingly proposed to her in the same room she had sex with him. Said she loved him. I’m in shambles. And it’s taken everything in my not to turn this pain and anger into violence. I’ve been verbally harmful to the ones I loved. Just sharing my pain. I’m not that kind of man. I was always so caring and gentle. Now I know there are certain faces which I’d lose my whole career if I saw again. I don’t know how to Chanel this anger. I need help. I’m in love with every broken piece of my heart holding on to what I thought I had. But they’re just that, pieces. And if I can ever put them back together again... I know it won’t be the same, some of those pieces are lost gone forever. I’m not the same man. I hate who I’ve become. I have a bright future. I actually am getting sent to dental hygienist school soon and that’s really exciting to me. But I’m blinded. Like while I’m gone, what’s to stop her from destroying my heart all over again. I mean it was so easy to cheat for 6 months... my life feels dark. And I feel tense. My mind is heavy as I wake up at 5 and work every day and thing and thing all day. But life has meaning. I just have to find one that doesn’t rely on others

[learningtobe-s-blog]

First Beginning

Hey anonymous readers. I’m gonna make a real post for the first time In a bit. Not like my last one, I cut it short. Let me tell you a little about what’s going on in my life. Well as you know I got married to “her.” The woman whom I was truly in love with, still am. I graduated from my job training and spend a week in my hometown and hung out with my wife and my friends. Until I found out that my wife was cheating with my very best friend the entire time I was gone. The whole time. Bam so that’s why I’ve been out of it, fast forward from me almost beating him bad... to me crying to her... to me deciding to bring her with me to my new town just like I planned to. But this time was supposed to be where I got my first home with the love of my life (which I did) and did anything to make her happy. But I realized something y’all, life is about yourself. And in the process of living for yourself and prospering for yourself you may find happiness. Of course care for others, that’s the kind of thing a human needs. But from my experience don’t make your life about another person because if you ever lost them even if you think they’d never ever hurt you (like I did) there’s always the possibility of losing them, thus losing your reason for well... everything.

But that’s just to give you a little understanding of my emotional state while I tell you about my life. I wish to keep her in my life. It’s just what I want. Although it’s excruciating and painful because as I try to get my career started I’m trying to put my broken pieces back together. But I got a dog, she’s a 4 month old black lab puppy. Truly adorable, but ANNOYING. She chewed my door up, my shoes up, my vape my remote. Gone to the bathroom over the whole carpet! But she’s cute so it’s okay. Makes me happy. I like my chain of command and my co workers they’re great. My job in the dental field is truly fun! This isn’t like my previous posts next time will be better I swear. Just letting you understand where s is at and since this is about how my experiences shape who I grow up to be it’s important I add this to it right? Thank you

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Deadly love

Well. I haven’t had the strength. Nor the time to post lately. Not that anyone misses my posts. I’d like to think this post will help me move on. I have what you might call heavily strong emotions. I get very happy very easily, we’ll I did. And I get sad very easily. Anyways men aren’t supposed to be weak or emotional. But... I’m not strong right now.

Never mind I’m sorry i shouldn’t post to social media. I made this blog so I could talk about what’s going on in my life. My experiences and how they changed who I am and shaped me to be who I’ll become. But maybe this isn’t something I should post. Sorry

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Flames

I haven’t had an opportunity to post for a few days. Today I’ll tell you about the biggest fire I’ve seen in my life. This happened at basic! We were on our FTX. For those of you that don’t know that’s just where we go out and are mock deployed and simulate patrols etc. so we’re out in a make pretend fort in the middle of nowhere surrounded by miles of high dry grass. Just to give you some imagery, what’re those things called that ships have on them to ship cargo? The metal crates? Storage units I think. Well those are our walls and the inside has tents and look out towers etc. we’re doing some practice patrols reaction to gunfire and other kinda cool stuff my group was up next to go out the base to patrol when we see this thick ass black smoke over the wall. And a drill sgt screaming and sprinting “grab the fucking water” so I grabbed one of those Gatorade water coolers and started sprinting over the wall expecting it to be just something small that the water could handle... WRONG! I get out the gate and the fire is about as wide as our FOB “the fort” and way taller than the walls and the shit is spreading fast... not sure what I was supposed to do with the water but while everyone was running away. My cool ass ran up to the flames and tossed the water at it like a hero.... it did NOTHING 😂. Well I got screamed at and ran back to the fort. Only forced to sit and watch as the fire spread and we continued practice inside the base now rather than outside. It was whatever. The fire lasted for like 6 hours we were allcjust trapped in the fob carrying on with our training. At night me and a battle buddy went up to the look out tower and I’ll never forget the awesome sight. It was pitch black out except for the random spots out for miles with flames high as can be scattered about the fields. The next morning we go to look and the once tan colored grass field is now a pitch black field of nothing. It was really a cool thing to see. Something I’ll never forget.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

The beginning of My career.

I told y’all my timeline would be all over the place didn’t I? Well don’t worry I’ll give y’all more on before the army soon. For now... here’s my little story. For starters I ought to tell you why it is that I “signed myself to the army”. It’s not that bad. When y’all look at it there are so many benefits, education wise at the very least. But I’ll give you my top three reasons. Number ONE and the top of my list, M. (My wife to be at the time) I knew I loved her and I’d love her for the rest of my life. The military really helps support another person. It was perfect for marrying at a young age. Reason number TWO dental just so happens to be my career of choice, so when talking to recruiters and being offered a steppingstone into my dream career I was very pulled in. Finally number THREE as I said earlier, education. To grow in dental you need an education of course. So enough with the intro. Let me tell y’all a little bit about my very first week of basic, and trust me there’s a pretty great story I’ll talk about on another post involving basic. Keywords related to it are HUGE FIRE. But to get you into my first week. So when you ship to basic you get stuck into this place called “reception” it’s literally a hell hole waiting zone where you have no privileges but you have to wait there till a company can take a new group in. I got lucky and only spent a week there but I’ve met people who spent three months there. No phone, no mail.... no contact with family. Then you finally get sent to real basic. And the first day is pretty intense, screaming and throwing bags and LOTS of push ups of course... oh and I forgot about being introduced to all the new rules. Plenty of them. We got to our building area where we sleep, form up, do workouts (pt), and much more. And they make us organize our bags and of course we’re all freaking out. No teamwork it was every man/woman for his/herself! We were tossing identical green duffle bags around looking for ours with our name in a small spot it was pure mayhem. Not to mention they gave us a time limit. I remember specifically I was backing up and bumped into someone right so the natural thing to do is say sorry right? WRONG. I’m like “sorry man” as I turn around to see who it was I bumped into.... guess who who it was. MY DRILL SGT. He instantly gets like an arm hairs length from my face, well as close as he could anyways he was way shorter than me. But still he says “sorry? You calling me a SORRY DRILL SGT??? I WORK MY ASS OFF NEVER CALL ME SORRY AGAIN. FRONT LEANING REST POSITION. MOVE. (There’s a delay between those commands) that means get down to do push ups. I got smoked for an untold amount of time that day. No need to say I never said sorry to any drill sgt there again. So after a full day of dumping our entire duffle bags out and getting accountability for everything we had etc. push ups. Short MRE meals. And of course getting assigned to our platoons and meeting the specific drill sgts that’d be in charge of us (the one I supposedly called sorry was one of mine of course) and getting our bunks and a rigorous bed making class we finally were allowed to go to bed in the position of attention. I got no sleep that night. I definitely missed M. Bad that day. But being real. I missed her so bad every single day I was there. It was painful. Well that was just day one. Plenty more stories to tell. Goodnight y’all

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Fun with Her.

Last night I told y’all I had some funny stories to tell you about my wonderful wife. Do you remember? I feel like talking about one of our dates that was a total fail but ended up becoming a magical night in my memory’s. This is fast forward to later in highschool I have my own car now. And we’ve been planning a date to the river walk downtown San Antonio for a week it’s about Christmas time and I know they have these amazing lights on in the trees over the water. In my excitement I forgot to pick out a restaurant or even make a reservation! So on the way there I just figure we can choose a random restaurant, no biggie... big mistake aha! I’ll talk about that soon, now just so you know ima start from the ride to the river walk, she looks beautiful. We’re listening to music having a good time in the car, I can drive with her for hours and it feel like minutes. But unfortunately she may be a fun passenger but she’s a distraction! I missed my exit and that put us back a good 20 min (she had to be back by 10:30). I struggled to find a parking garage and when I finally did I was so excited to leave to the river walk I didn’t CHECK WHICH ONE I PARKED AT... that’ll get me later. But we’re still in a great mood. I always am with her around. We walk and look for a little while and stop at a bbq restaurant. We sit down and I just didn’t like the smell there to be honest so I was like “let’s go find a different place to eat” she is okay with it BUT as her cute goofy ass stands up she BUMPS THE WAITRESS and spills water everywhere. We got out of there QUICK! She’s all feeling quilty and I’m laughing at her. So we’re just walking around looking for another place to eat and we have to go down these steps to get back to the side of the water. Mind you she had heels on. I’m walking beside her and mid sentence she just forward dived down the steps (not really she slipped). Now you need to use your imagination as I dramatically explain my role in her saving. I see her falling and I instantly jump to her side and grab her like a Knight I caught her and saved her from any and all harm... not really she scraped her leg. Goofy ass lol. But I stopped her from getting really hurt. She’s even more embarrassed now. I’m just trying to make her feel better and whatnot. We take some cute Polaroid pictures by the water and lights. And I decided hey to save the night I should get tickets to ride the river walk tour boat, ANOTHER BIG mistake. After we get on it I realize the time. It’s 9... something lol. Getting close to her curfew. So I just ride along hoping it ends fast but it’s very slow. Then suddenly the boat in front of our boat freaking broke down!! So we’re stuck helping them! This point I’m panicking trying to get her out of the boat so her dad wouldn’t get upset about curfew. I asked the boat driver to let us off at a random ass part of the river walk (told him it was a family emergency) there were a good 20 pple on the boat unhappy we made him pull over. Oh well. I got us off the boat! I can still get us to the car and get us home in time. But wait, where are we? We were LOST!! So I’m fast waking and she’s struggling to keep up and I’m lost like hell! She said her feet hurt from the heels so in the middle of the city I pick her up and start running with her in arms. I still remember random guys at the buss stop as we ran by cheering for us aha! But I finally find our garage and get us out of there. She passed out from the dramatic night on the way home as I sped like hell to get her back on time! I still remember... at a red light I had a chance to look at her. She looked so beautiful and so happy laying there asleep. And we finally make it home 10 Min before her curfew. I kiss her goodnight apologizing for the failed date. But really thinking back on it now. It was the best one. I’ll never forget it.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Her.

I told you guys I’d say a few things about myself. Well this... she... is the most important. It’s time I tell you about Her. I’ll start with when I first ever saw her, I remember it so well. You guys remember when I was talking about spending those summer days at the pool with my new friends? Well, It was on one of those days I saw the woman who I had no idea at the time, but the woman who’d eventually mean the world to me. Getting into my memory zone, we had just got to the pool, we all were about to jump in and I usually had no problem just diving in with them but right before we jumped I saw her. Standing from across the pool. She had a cute tan bikini top with cool string stuff on it. She was beautiful. Seeing her smile and laugh I got distracted when my friends all jumped I was still standing there staring at her. Of course like you should know I was pretty timid at the time. I didn’t approach her but I never forgot her that day. Do y’all ever feel like after you meet somebody you see them everywhere? Well that quite literally happened. I started seeing her at school in the hallways at lunch and even on my school bus. And one day I don’t know HOW I didn’t notice before but I saw her get off at the same spot as me and walk her cute self right into the house across the street from my house... JAW DROPPED.... I was dumbfounded at how the girl I had a crush on lived across the freaking street!! What luck!! Eventually I did what us millennials do and I liked a tbh post on her Instagram. The freaking girl told me I was cute. WHAT. I get her contact info and we start talking and becoming friends and we of course flirt a LOT and hang out often but we never led into a relationship as freshmen. Fast forward later on In highschool were really taking talking to eachother serious this time. Like I had been soooo patient and thinking back on it today, it was a great decision because we worked out so well. I finally just asked her out. She actually said yes! My young crush from across the pool who happened to be across the street actually wanted to date me. And it didn’t happen immediately but I promise you. I fell in love with her. So deep I’m drowning. This woman. She means the world to me. It’s Valentine’s Day today. So it felt right to make my today’s blog about her. Now here we are. Married. In love, and soon to be in a whole new place together on our own. There are some funny stories to tell about her. I promise It won’t be the last time you hear about her. Happy valentines y’all.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Nostalgia

Following the feeling of nostalgia, a real warm feeling comes when I remember the summer days me and my friends would spend all day skating around or crowding the neighborhood pool! The bonfires in the woods, the nights we all stayed at the same house. Good memories. Mind you, going back to the start of the summer I was still unsure I was welcome to hang out y’know? So I stuck to myself, but they invited me out and they’re a group of people who’ve known eachother a long while, and they treaded me a new guy like I’m one of them. That’s a good feeling, made me feel like I could really do this new move. They’re all still to this day trusted friends, but time does it’s thing and people get less close. So I’ll talk about the pool, bonfire day! The first one at least:). I remember I was beyond bored... and it was barely 10 am aha, but out of nowhere my brother says people are at the door for me, I was confused as hell! But I go and they’re all there! Mind you, we were a big group! And we weren’t always doing the right thing if you know what I mean. Well we’d go do our thing and get lit before going swimming, swim for HOURS! When we all got too tired from the sun we’d finally go do more irresponsible things... yknow. And go chill at a house for a bit in the AC, listen to music make food watch anime! Plenty of people to have fun w. When it got dark my friend J. Said “let’s go to the bon spot!” Everyone seemed excited! Of course I’m going. We walk up the street right by my house into the woods and there was a huge cleared circle with a big pit and some chairs and logs! They all brought stuff like speakers and yeah. More stuff. We’d be out there for hours. And finally go crash from a good day. Those memories. I’ll hold on to.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Where to start

So I mean, being real I’ll probably have my timeline a little off but it all still leads to the same outcome. I mean I’ll start where it really matters. This is freshman year, I had just moved to Texas from Hawaii. At this time I was pretty to my self, eager to make friends but too nervous to talk to anybody. So I did what I do. I kept to myself and talked to people when it was the right time. I built friendships slowly, probably the right way in my opinion. I met someone in my neighborhood who liked to skate, so It was nice having someone to go skate around with still not that close w him. He invited me to a kickback one night in my neighborhood so after contemplating whether or not to go I decided to try to get out there and meet people. That’s definitely where it started for me. I didn’t know it yet but I met my real best friends there. It was a cool night, I mean my young ass did the stuff kids do at parties I won’t get into it probably because of social media but you know what happened. I was kind of a corner guy at the start till pple started coming up to me trying to talk. That’s how I met my homie i! Out of everyone he saw me being a loner and came by to talk to me I appreciated that. So I mean I feel like saying what happened at the party, short summary. We just went drank a little talked listened to music and all that. My first party. I got all their numbers and stuff so I could be sure to get invited more. That was the group of friends I wanted. Don’t get me wrong no friendship lasts without issues but I’ll get into those many things later. I ended up coming home super late. Thank goodness I dropped my key on the driveway because I damn near freaked out thinking I left it in the house lol. Good night. Kinda started breaking my shell that night.

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Starting w/some background info

So I mean how can I tell y’all my story without telling you a little about myself? So right now I’m in AIT for the army, training to be a dental specialist. I just got married to my highschool sweetheart whom I love very much, she also happened to be my next door neighbor (yes I’m lucky)! Blue is my favorite color, not sure about religion but I’m pretty superstitious I’d say. I’m pretty good here In the army environment although I wasn’t always like this. I mean I’ve done some pretty crazy stuff. I’ll talk about some of it later. But I love dogs, if there was enough time in the day I’d be able to read. I love gettin into a good series. And yeah I love anime! I’m pretty athletic I’d say, ran varsity cross county and track through highschool. Doesn’t mean I’m that good just good enough aha. I’ve got a lot of siblings and I love my family. My goals in life long term lie in the dental field and to prosper with my wife. I’m a pretty pessimistic person but lately I’ve had good friends to bring me up they’re changing that about me. I like all kinds of music, not picky I just ask my friends to send playlists and they whip up some playlists with music I’ve never heard before (I only recently really got into music bout a year ago). They’re teaching me there too. I’ll be telling y’all all about my life before basic and who I was and the things I did, as well as my experiences during basic. How they changed me. I’ll tell about the people who changed me. I’m driven to succeed. I’m kinda to my self, so this social media blog isn’t like me, I’m sure my friends would be surprised. But once I get to know somebody I’m able to be myself around them. Until then they see the S. I want them to see. Y’all repost and whatnot get this out I’m eager to share if y’all are eager to listen!

[learningtobe-s-blog]

Introducing S.

Well, here I am. Hi everyone I’m S. I’m not sure what reasons I’ve decided to create a blog but being real, this is exciting. I just feel like there’s a lot in my life so many can relate to. I’m just starting my life on my own, taking my first steps towards my goals and aspirations. So I guess for now I want to post about what I’ve done and gone through to get to where I am right now. The way people impacted my life both negatively and positively. And eventually, share the many changes, adventures, the ups and inevitably the downs.

You guys let me know if you can relate. If you get interested in the life of a normal guy trying to make his way then that’s great.