magbld

[magbld]

It's very interesting to know that my grandfather was a sculptor and great grandfather was a poet! What in the world? maybe I am not as unique as I once thought LOL. Maybe personality is hereditary because why are those things I find fascinating now? I should be studying right know but sometimes. At least today I just want to relax and enjoy. Who cares about that midterm? I just want to breathe freely. I wish to be surrounded with plenty of love and hope. I'm sure I'll be the one to create it for myself. I think I want to always be the person who says I love you first. I've been thinking about this program I want to make. It'll be so confusing to do but LOL! Maybe it's my next goal.

[magbld]

I miss you so much what the fuck ! I thought my feelings could dissipate within this month but I still hold so much love so selfishly. I'm sorry that I miss you.

I wonder how many I miss you’s I have left.

[magbld]

I hope you're doing well! Please take your time and heal. That's all that you can do! Your feelings are okay to have and okay to dwell on. Everything takes time. I'll always be here to talk to.

[magbld]

it's your birthday! hooray!!! You've grown so much and you've achieved so much. I'm so glad I was at least able to watch you grow into an amazing lady. I hope your birthday has been going really well! and you're really enjoying it. You deserve it, really. You deserve so much and so much more after that. Eat well and have lots of fun. You've been on my mind non-stop. It's only been two weeks since we broke up but my feelings for you hasn't changed at all. I miss you a lot ! I wonder if you still read my Tumblr? I reread our texts and just reminisce a lot. It's hard trying to move on from something that I loved a lot HA! I think today my feelings really amplified because it's your birthday and silly enough I was on TikTok earlier and saw a couple dress up as that SZA and Young Mazino music video for halloween and I guess at that moment I forgot we were broken up? I downloaded it and was about to send it to you then I came back to my senses. So silly. Although it really made things hit quite hard. I reached out to you yesterday because I really just missed hearing from you. I wanted to hear how you were doing and your classes and what you've been enjoying and how your comp sci was. I'm glad it seems like you're doing really well. I'm glad you're trying your best. I feel like for some reason things just don't feel right without you. I've been doing a lot of my different hobbies I've had and got my haircut and everything but it's not the same? I think that's okay, I feel like we've both changed a lot since our break up. I hope you've changed to be really happy for where you are. I'm trying to change to be a better person -- hopefully someone who's able to support better and help more often through actions than words. Someone that'll be comfortable and dependable. I think I'll always keep you close in my mind and lend you support. Even if sometimes it might hurt me. I meant it yesterday, I'm really grateful for you to be apart of my life for the past year or two. I don't think I'll be able to not love you. I wonder what you've been up to? I hope those clubs are great. I know you'll be an amazing member in them. you'll definitely be the one that stands out! you've always had. Speaking of SZA I've been playing a lot of her music and I've been trying to learn the intro to Good Days on the guitar. It's going well but barre chords really hurt my fingers. They're quite sore. I think recently I've noticed how much of an impression you've had on my life. Everything for some reason just reminds me of you. The bus stop of where we'd meet up sometimes to go to school. The spots we'd sit in at school. So many things. I kept some of your photos (don't worry only the respectful and cute ones.), I think I'll be glad about them in the future. It'll remind of how good our time was. We were so lucky! How silly is that? I hope you're taking care of yourself okay? You're so strong and how ever you feel is okay and no one's forcing you otherwise. Take care of yourself! Happy birthday you oldie

[magbld]

I wish I could talk to you again. Just seeing you just for a second today had you on my mind and made everything ache again. I want to talk and see and be with you. But as you said there's 0% chance it'll ever recover. That really put a lot into my head. I wish you could read my mind and just know everything I feel about you. I miss you a lot. Maybe one day we could be friends again. I wonder how you're feeling right now? you looked so happy today. I'm so glad you're having fun again. I think looking back at our relationship I could see the issues that were slowly coming up near the end. Maybe ending it was good for us. I didn't want us to end with it being toxic or spiteful. I just wanted us to leave being happy we experienced our time together. I can't bare the thought of us not having our intimacy again. I know I said the posts before was my last but it's so hard to move on. I keep having thoughts of us getting back together but then I recognized all the things that caused us to break up and all the new things that'll come in just from us trying to get back together. I'm so glad I was able to spend my time with you. I wish you felt the same. god I loved you so much -- did you feel the same? sometimes I wondered --actually I wondered about it a lot. I think I loved you more than you loved me honestly. Someday maybe we'll go on a walk at the park with cake slices and lay and laugh behind a school once again. Whether it be friends or lovers. the more time that passes the more I realized how far we are becoming. I can feel myself building up a wall from reaching out to you. I cherish you so much. I need to stop putting the idea of us getting back together in my head. It doesn't do anything but makes things worse for me. HA! please eat well and do really good. you're birthday is coming up! enjoy it okay? I just want you to be happy.

[magbld]

it's so hard not being with you. I miss you everyday. Please take care of yourself okay? You mean so much to me.

[magbld]

for some reason I just feel there’s so much left unsaid, unheard and invalidated. I felt that so often in our relationship I’d gloss over how you feel instead of listening, even now I felt that I still do! I’m sorry for all the times that has happened. I was rereading our recent texts and i kept thinking about how you said you felt uneasy or uncomfortable or not liked by my family. I’m sorry but that wasn’t true. My parent never hated you I think we both assumed they did but they never had! I talked to them yesterday and told them how you felt that way and they never hated you! They were shocked actually. I’m sorry for that. I feel likes there’s so much more we haven’t cleared up or talked about and left unsaid. I just don’t want you to feel that you weren’t heard and supported. And I’m sorry that you felt that way. Even if my parents cared about your identity/background I would never care about that. I only ever wanted you! I always wanted to embrace every aspect of you. I’m sorry.

I think recently I’m realizing things that should’ve been done or said before this happened. Maybe it would’ve never happened if we had talked about these things before. I hope one day we can atleast change for the better whether it be friends or lovers. I always care for you and miss you. It kind of hurt whenever I’d try to ask how you are or how you’re doing and it’s get shut down or pushed aside for “my sake”. I don’t know what’s best for us but I don’t like the way we are becoming and don’t know what we should do. I’m getting my own conflicted feelings and thoughts and I just want to get things cleared or finally settled.

[magbld]

#7

Time moves so fast doesn't it? God I miss you. I can't believe it's soon to be a week since we've broken apart. I just can't seem to get you out of my mind even when I try to distract myself (I am a hypocrite!). But I wish, we had something again. It's so sad! I can't imagine me having to slowly move on and months and years from now I won't hold you as high as I had before. That reminds of me of how I'd hug you and carry you up high and tall. LOL! So silly of us, wasn't it? Today was a lot. I got in a really big fight with my uncle and fuck I was so mad. I haven't been this mad in so fucking long. Over some fucking jacket what a fucking bum. I'm still mad HAHA. It's so fucking stupid and I really lost it. My mum told me to just stay in my room and calm down because I was that mad. I don't like being mad. It's exhausting, tiring and just nonsensical. I just left the house and walked and sat at our spot for a while. I was paranoid there was a coyote or something just watching me. (it was heightened by having no glasses on). I can't believe we have to do this. What's best for you! I want to talk to you and just talk and chat and hold each other tight. I had a dream we did do that. We both started crying and started hugging each other more. Imagine if you had the same dream as I did? we linked up mentally fr! LOL. I went to go eat tealicious blend with my siblings and cousins but I left early to go deal with that fuckig jacket argument. I'm so glad you never made me mad, alone, unsupported, neglected, always loved. You gave me a lot. A lot of people hold family in such high regard; honestly, I don't. It's wrong to say that. I don't care? You're my family but then again you don't have a say in what I decide to do with my life. I hate when people ask for favours because they're blood or some dumb fucking shit like that. Or have a say on whoever they're dating or whatever like that. I don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks of what I can do with my life. I just feel like shit like that just holds you back! I got my tooth gem today, it was a star. I wished we did it together. I hope you're doing well! I miss you, your touch, your voice, your everything. everything. <--- see what I did there? LOL. I miss you a lot no matter how corny it is. I don't mind being corny, I don't care if "it's" not good for me. Okay! see you. Hope you're doing supar well and everything and getting over me well. Goodbye and goodnight and good morning.

[magbld]

#6 Entry

You saw my Tumblr. I think I feel wrong a bit for showing it to you honestly. I felt that I may have robbed you from healing a bit and I'm sorry for that. I hope you're doing well and felt like this was a good closure for you! I hope you ate well today and slept really good and are excited for the next semester and all the things you'll do in your future! I thought about you all day in all sorts of context; I guess it just feels weird that those are just memories now? It's upsetting to think I wont be close with you anymore like how we were -- but it's for the best for you. I'm sorry I often didn't speak much about how I feel or anything like that! It was a something I've always had trouble with. I find writing a lot more easier to express with. Today, I haven't done much LOL! I woke up really sore. The moment I got home from skiing I had a bit of food and just layed down the whole day. Going in and out of consciousness and what not. My lower back aches (you'd always say that to me) and my thighs are on fire. I woke up today pretty frustrated honestly. I'm still trying to cope and grieve with everything and especially since yesterday I think it just become more overwhelming for me. I'm glad to have read a bit of your Tumblr posts. I was honestly glad you still thought of me and missed me. It's funny how weird we really are? trapped to doing the more smart decision and better decision for ourselves HAHA! I have an appointment tomorrow to get a tooth gem. I hope they saw I have good teeth and ask me to model for their instagram for a reduced price (PLEASE!!!) so silly. I hope it goes well, we almost got tooth gems aswell. Sorry we never made it to it. I played the guitar for a bit and I feel like I'm getting a lot better! My chords feel a lot more stronger and vibrant and not as buzzy and lazy as before. I'm glad. My finger tips feel numb now though. I feel more flexible in my fingers and feel better mind and muscle coordination with my fingertips aswell. I then read a few pages of the love book and it talks about learning how to be comfortable being alone (not lonely). I think I'll practice one of the things they did. The first step is called "Solo Audit" where you record things you do along and if you're comfortable doing it or not. and why? it's something you dot out throughout the week. I wrote down a few things I did in the past few days alone and the things I've done today. I also read a bit of the poetry book. At some times I feel like it's kind of corny but every here and there there is a good little poem. And I can't wait to read other poetry books now. I went to our old spot and it was really cold LOL. The snow was quite going and I don't think I dressed appropriately. I had on my black hoodie with my turtle neck underneath wrapped into my leather jacket wearing my earmuffs and gloves. on the bottoms I had on my black trousers with my wool socks and the boots I've been wearing recently. I wiped off the log honestly just to check if you'd wrote anything or if my message was still there. It's crazy that there was a coyote 25 feet away from me. We locked eyes. It ran! ran fast LOL. I realized I should go and nervously walked home hoping that I wasn't a target. I just kept looking behind me and walked on the populated roads for safety. I ate some spaghetti and played the guitar some more. I'm watching the bear right now and it's good! Tina finally changed up from being a bitch. Fuck TINA!!! till now at least HA.

You've been on my mind all day everyday-- I guess you've always had even before LOL! but in a different context. I hope you're doing well. I don't have much to talk about today because I didn't have much that was new. Maybe I'll make shakshouka sometime soon or a tinned fish pasta. Maybe make some greek desserts I saw on instagram recently. I can't wait to get tooth gems. I miss you. I hope one day we'll see each other again. And felt how we did before. I won't ever ask you. I can't rob you of that. I still feel like I need to keep a distance so I don't interfere. But god it hurts so bad. I'll miss our connection a lot. See you.

[magbld]

#5 Entry

Hey! Had a busy day. I just woke up from a nap. my body hurts a lot! HAHAHA. I hope you're doing well, eating well and sleeping well and hopefully are getting over me healthily. My day went pretty good! I went skiing my old love. It was originally planed to be m, c and me ( I don't think it's fair to use their names). But C PUSSIED OUTT! WHAT THE FUCK! Me and M couldn't believe it because really? are you serious ? HAHA. so we had told him (M and I egged him on and peer pressured him to) call in to work due to an emergency. This was because he couldn't find someone to appropriately take his shift. Normal right? Not for him. Bro felt "guilty" and 'bad' for the first time calling into work in 3 years! LOL I WAS CALLING INTO WORK THE SECOND WEEK I JOINED BBW! different mind and mindsets. But we did make him do it yesterday. and so he came the driver for me and M right? It's literally 8:30 AM and we all got up to go get breakfast first. We got A&W and I got the beyond burger (it's good, you always have had good taste) and everyone else got breakfast. But Cole. fucking Cole. Got a "Power" text from the boss saying how they'll give him disciplinary actions and oh did this shiver his spine! he's like guys..... I need to go to work... and we responded with you're getting fucked. You literally pussy'd out, you're all changed up and ready to go and yet this text of getting a disciplinary scares you? The FUCK! just come bro! take the L and enjoy this beautiful day with me and M. Oh well, he couldn't do it. So me and M went to go to ski, we were nervous because we thought they'll be no snow but they did. It's artificial snow, tastes pretty yucky like tap water from old lead pipes! don't get in it in your mouth, please. God skiing was sooooooo weird to me at first. Makoto told me to just try it and not snowboard (I wanted to try snowboarding) and I just toughed it out. All these little kids zooming past me, honestly, I was cared I'd hit them! But we started easy, on the beginner slope where I fell, and fell some more. I fell a lot. LIKE ALOT! I didn't think I had a single run where I didn't fall and slide down. Falling doesn't hurt (at first) because it's pretty much you slip and slide down. It feels kind of cool honestly, like a little action movie. but he first taught me how to stop. There's two types: Pizza and hockey. Pizza is where you kick the back out and little and carve into the snow and you'll get into a lot more drag that makes you stop whilst the hockey one (I still can't do properly ) is like going to your side and grinding it to an immediate stop. It's pretty cool! Then he showed me to turn and turn, which I did. And then he said fuck it, let's go on the big slides. And I ATE SHIT ALOT LOLOLOL! I miss you. I went on the green slopes (targeted as easier) but they were still very inclined of course. I was going so fast which caused me to panic and to fall a lot, of ocrouse of which he then showed me how to carve my way down which makes me not go as fast. It's funny! he's a bad teacher! but I learned, although with a lot of falling. We skied for a while and also the messed up! they gave us practically double the amount of tickets to use and it's so funny. So now I have 20 in total in which I'll give you 10. Me and Makoto kept making these silly jokes about some memes we saw on the internet (Saiyan walk) and hitting the gritty and super dumb shit like that. I don't think you would've laughed if I did those things in front of you. You weren't much of a person who liked my dumbness in public. Oh well. And it was really fun. I felt more confident and I started to get better at carving and turning and stopping. the wind shifted and we got a whiff of like puke and shit? what the fuck? HAHA.But then we stopped as we had been there for at least 5 hours or so and were getting hungry and I was getting exhausted physically from all that falling. (I had fallen every single run I did and we did a lot of runs). Makoto was like "Bro whopper is the best burger" in which me and Cole in the morning made fun of him for it.

He was eating monkey balls and feet burgers for joy HAHA. But we went to go get it anyways after skiing. It was good. I enjoyed it and I was pretty hungry! I wish we could've gone skiing together or at least with friends. It would've been nice. But then I got home, took a nice shower and relaxed a bit. I'm learning the tabs to "Run on sentence" by Flawed mangoes, it's quite hard. But then I conked out and mimimimimimii. I've just woken up and my body hurts a lot HAHA. You'll enjoy skiing I hope! ski safe and everything. I miss you! it's been 4 days since you've been gone and yet it feels so long. I wonder what you've been up to. Okay ! I'll see you, good bye.

[magbld]

#4 entry

I miss you! I hope you've been sleeping well. I haven't been sleeping well; you've been on my mind a lot. I woke up today around 11 or so and I just wanted to get out of my house. I felt my feelings boiling up again and whenever I'm outside walking it subsides a little. So I walked. And walked. I miss chatting about our days while it was LITERALLY happening LOL. You were my outlet a lot of the times. My best friend. I had a marker with me and I wrote little notes to places we would walk too. One on the log. One on the rock at the church steps. One on the playground where we sat underneath the slid (it smudged off sorry.) It was like making a memorial for a passed one. While I was walking I often just talk out loud to myself. I talked about how hard this is for me and how I wish you well on your modest journey. And that I really hoped things are going well for you now and you find comfort in the things you weren't comfortable while with me. I played on the park a bit (just on the spinning top I'd maybe do 3 or 4 rotations) then I walked back home. Then I got up and decided I wanted to go to the cafe at north centre we'd went to. The one where we bought 6 pastries for 30$ and played it off as if we're buying it for a friend group so there wasn't suspicion on our relationship (because we were a itty bitty secret my love LOL). Before hand, I went to indigo, I walked around wondering what I would get. I originally thought of that heaven booked, but I changed my mind. I went to the self-help section and got a book on love and one on purpose. Then I got a poetry book about heartbreak. You loved poetry right? I'm becoming more fond of it. I was fond of you. And then I walked and walked towards the cafe. I got this pastry cake sort of? it was brittle and a little dry. It tasted of coffee and hazelnut with some sort of cream in the middle. It was alright -- honestly! the pastries there a Lowkey kind of mid, I'm sorry boogar. But I ate it as I sat and opened a few pages into the poetry book and love book. That cafe is so busy. like actually so busy why is everyone there? the seat I sat in was uneven same was the table. and there was a stain/spill of coffee on the desk. the men in front of me kept glancing looks like aight bro lets calm down. I know i'm the only asian dude here. It makes me laugh because it reminds me of how whenever we go to a restaurant we were the minorities and we'd often get sat in a corner or something LOL. But so then I read, the books are okay! the love one (at the moment) talks about self-love first and preparing for love and solitude. while the poetry book is meh meh just poetry! lol. And so I read for a bit then I realized it was time to go home. I missed my bus. So I went to Walmart to get some deodorant because I've ran out! I be stinking the room and everything gah damn what the fuck. supar hot in here--open the windows. I got the deodorant you loved on me. And then I got your message. Damn! they broke up. maybe they really were tryna be us so bad. It's sad honestly. Never plan for a double date for hotpot again or else both parties will be broken up before the date they set. HAHA. But I sympathize with him a lot! I can't imagine how he feels, their relationship was a lot longer than ours and honestly I can't imagine how I would feel. All this about religion made it ironic on how while you struggled about it, I was interested in learning more about yours. Honestly I've been interested in learning different religions, read their scriptures and books and learn more because it's something that peaks my interests a bit. Had we had been longer together I most likely would have converted not just for you but just for me. It was already sort of in the back of my mind. Imagine if I had told you? what would you have said? would you have been happy? or sort of sad? Oh well. I probably honestly would've converted if we had been together for longer. I'll probably look more into it in the future because I can. Who knows what'll become of me by then!

But then I went back on the bus to head home but I stopped at the school. I wanted to walk some more! I've been wanting to walk more recently its sort of my last connection to you. And I spun on that sling top thingy. Then I walked, then walked some more. I went back to our spot and sat down, the sun was setting. I saw the log had an imprint of someone sitting there and was like "maybe she was here earlier, maybe she read the message" then I remembered I also sat down there earlier. I went to go read my books I bought. with the noises and scenery of how gentle the sun was setting and it's such pretty colours. we broke up on a pretty day honestly. I remember texting you how it sucked that we broke up and you also said it sucked. I'm glad you said that. I was getting cold so I thought it was time to finally head home. Took a shower and now I'm laying here writing this. I hope everything is going well for you as always. I don't know if I'd say yes to you if you asked for another try. I honestly might If you did. We had (to me) something really nice and intimate. And we didn't end on bad terms. So silly of me. I just played with lychee. so silly as well. I'll talk tomorrow or later tonight! see you.

[magbld]

MY HEART

I LOVED HER!!!!!

I feel like if you were to read that you would've laughed my love.

I miss you !

[magbld]

LOL fuck! I miss her. if only I had just a few more days with her. I should've cherished it while I can. I wished I cried harder when we walked. I wished we walked for longer. I wished we hugged tighter and held hands for longer. I wished I kissed you as much as I could've because I knew it would be the last time. I wished oh I wish. I wish I could wiped away all your tears and support you one last time. I wish things weren't difficult. I wish you could've ate your cakes.

[magbld]

I'm glad I gave you the period in your life where you experienced so many things. even if at the end you felt you weren't happy of where you are. I'm selfish in that way I guess.

[magbld]

It's really hard to find motivation without you. It's almost like it was absorbed the day you died to me. It so hard to pick up the strength to keep going. My heart moves in waves, sometimes I feel okay. Yet. Suddenly I have such a heavy heart that bedridden me for hours. I didn't cry yet I think I miss the warmth you gave me. I'll miss you a lot. I already do now. It really does feel life grief.

[magbld]

What kind of person do I want to become?

Loving, I want to show love all the time. In either small ways or large. I don't want to be a spiteful person in anyway. I'd like to experience a lot of life now. I want to experience a fruitful life.

[magbld]

#3 entry

I'm slowly trying to heal. I wonder how long it'll take till my feelings aren't as intense. I'm afraid that I'll lose these feelings for you, but I should, right? It makes me sad that things turned out so sad for us (sort of), you'll make your cake--I'm sure. I worked today, it was a 3 hour morning shift. I pretty much did the same thing I usually do just stock. You were on my mind the whole time. You usually were on my mind the whole time when I worked anyways just in a different context. I didn't talk much today at work; honestly, I just couldn't find the energy to do it. I called my team leader a tyrant and that we should perform a mutiny against him (jokingly). It was funny for me at least. Afterwards I went home and showered, it felt good. a nice steam shower that I thought would supposedly clear my head! It didn't though LOL. Things will change of course, nothing lasts forever! Time will pass. Afterwards I sat down on the couch and my family now knows we are broken up. although it was hard trying to explain it, but I don't feel like explaining it much. They don't need to know, they weren't involved much anyways. Me and my friend then went around to buy our skiing gear. Honestly, his car is dirty LOL. Can't really blame a 19 year old dude with his first car though. The whole time I was aux and I don't think I ever told you but whenever I had aux I would play shit for fun to fuck with people. You wouldn't get it but I played dumb songs like SAO theme, Saiyan walk, and fart noises, (very niche). It made me laugh. We went to the mall, and explored our options. Why is skiing gear so expensive what the fuck? We went to those expensive shops for software engineers who boulder and hike that got money to spend. We were not spending 200+ dollars on some fucking snow pants ! LOL. Well we searched then gave up and went to Walmart. We bought youth (14-16) snow pants for 18 dollars. Fast fashion >>>>. Thank god we have fast fashion! I jokingly told him let's go get pedicures if they were less than 40$ -- I'd pay for both. We laughed. Afterwards we went to get some bourbon st. It's supar good! supar yummy. He had no beverage and I kept talking about how perched he must be (he bought water). Now I'm just at home laying in bed, I texted you about our comp sci grades. maybe I just wanted to talk to you for a bit. I miss the girl I was in love with. I still love her. It's only been two or so days and yet I miss you so much. I didn't cry today but who knows what'll happen tonight. I hope you're doing well recently. Eat good! and treat yourself well or at least how you think I would've treated you when you were down. You talked about how you just want to ignore it but it saddened me hearing that. Ignoring our relationship kind of hurts! Just a little at least. Who knows how's that making you feel though. I wouldn't. We can still talk till you have closure. I'll miss you still. It's like grieving for someone who I've lost! like a passing partner.