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cute

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I would really like to kill myself right now.

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So beautiful! Shows off my current mood and kinda reminds me Dreamfall’s soundtrack, which I adore.

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Reflections on my very existence

Some time ago, Idk, 2-3 years, I was writing a story about how the universe was made. According to that story at the beginning there was void, but it got bored, so it started creating things out of itself. And it wasn’t good or bad, it created angels and demons, it was just very bored - I mean imagine living in the world, where the only thing that exists is nothingness. That’s an interesting thought to me, to think that maybe there can’t really be nothing.

Now, after some time has passed, I don’t think that story was any creative, neither do I think it was mine - I assume that’s a natural way people try to explain how anything came to be, ‘cause we’re pretty sure there once was nothing and now there’s something, so this something must have occurred from the nothing... so it’ll probably come back to the nothing again - “pulvis es et in pulverem reverteris”, as we all know. It’s a very dark though, it forces to think about our world at the moment, about our lives, our goals and about our futures, our world’s future, and we don’t really like thinking about it. I mean, people contemplate and discuss those things, they’re obviously fascinating, but we rarely agree to accept the fact, that we��re likely absolutely meaningless and there’s nothing to be anticipated after our death or even during our lives, but we’re hopeful, ‘cause we can at least enjoy the lives we’re leading and that’s kinda sensible... Is it?!

But that’s not exactly what I meant to talk about. What I wanna share here is that now I feel like that void I was writing about a few years ago. There’s darkness around me, there has always been and I’ve been trying very hard to overcome it, but it comes back everytime and I think maybe that’s something I just gotta live with... I just can’t be here, I feel like I am unable to settle for anything and anyone, I love everything, I love living, I love existing, but I kinda regret that I am. I’m dreaming about leaving everything and never talking to anyone again, I’ve always wanted that - I’ve always wanted to lack any personal traits and to lack any connections to anything and anyone. Whenever I start doing something, whenever I start talking to someone I can’t wait to stop doing it, I can’t wait to be alone and meaningless again, I get bored on one hand, but I also just can’t handle the thought of making things just in order to lose them all later.

So I guess the moral to my old story would be that it would be better if the void stayed calmly in the surrounding nothingness and never even tried creating something new, ‘cause it’ll all end up in the nothingness anyway. And so will all the things I put my hands on, and it’s sad to know the end of the story from the very beginning.

And I really love to destroy everything I make.

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Ocean Strings

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Photograph by William Herman Lowe, ca. 1920

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Hologram of 3D Universe

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From “Harmony in Florida” (1942).

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The Ithaca Journal, New York, February 2, 1926

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I would really like him to touch me now. Can't stop thinking about him!

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