nodezember

[nodezember]

3.7.2025

sometimes freedom doesn’t feel the way you expect it to. it’s not always the relief you were hoping for.

i remember when i got my braces removed. i was excited and happy the pain was over. but once they were off, i didn’t feel relieved, all i felt was empty and a strange longing for the feeling that has brought me pain for so many years.

the same way i feel now. you’re gone and i should feel relieved and free. but still all i can seem to think about is how i long to feel your love just once more.

[nodezember]

23.6.2025

i still think about you sometimes. of course i do. someone that you’ve thought about for the past 5 years doesn’t just disappear over night. it’s not how it used to be though. it was almost painful to think about you then, it tore me apart to think you’re moving on without me. i don’t think that anymore. it still aches to think about you, yes. but it’s okay now. it sucks but this is how it had to be. and for once i’m glad i wasn’t the coward. you weren’t the coward back then and i was. then we both were. now it’s just you. it’s okay. you’ll figure it out too

[nodezember]

25.05.2025

over time even stains begin to fade. but even then, you can just throw that dress out. the carpet, the pair of jeans. you don’t have to live with the stain anymore even if that dress brought you your happiest memories. they‘ll be new dresses to make memories in

[nodezember]

6.5.2025

i wanted it to be you so bad that i lied to myself for so long. but i always knew it couldn’t be. never. i always said in another universe or maybe even 10 years. but i was lying to myself. it would never happen, no matter how much i dreamt and fantasized and yearned for it. i finally accepted it for what it is, i finally made the decision to let you go. it’s not what i wanted. it’s not what i dreamt about for so long. but it’s what i needed.

-i’m sorry for both me and you that it didn’t end up being us

[nodezember]

2.5.2025

i truly tried my best to understand you, to sympathize with you, to forgive and forget over and over. but it seems like there’s no point to this anymore. i’m done trying and i’m done being the one you can fall back to with no repercussions. i’m a real human being, not a toy. what you did and what you’re doing hurts and i have tried to tell you that enough times that at this point i’m sure you just don’t care. so congrats, you’ve done it, my endless patience has run out. goodbye. take care

[nodezember]

2.5.2025

im done making excuses for you. you treat me like shit because i let you. so here i am, not letting you anymore. good job, you’ve truly gotten what you want all. have fun finding some other idiot

[nodezember]

2.5.2025

happy birthday

please never reach out again.

im done trying to make up reasons why you do what you do. i’m done trying to understand you and giving you empathy that you don’t deserve. you don’t care is what i’m getting. at least not anymore. you’ve truly done it now. congrats. goodbye

[nodezember]

1.5.2025

i know i think about you a lot. i write about you a lot too. you’re always on my mind. everything i see reminds me of you. of us. i have so many feelings that i don’t know what to do with them all. i want to let you go. i need to. but i can’t. something inside me just always wants one more taste, no matter how bad it all hurts. no matter how much i tell myself this will never be or how i don’t even want or love you. because i don’t. we‘ve lied too much to each other. and i could tell you the truth and so could you, but what does that change at this point? it doesn’t change the fact that all this has become is a way of feeding into our addiction. the adrenaline of it all, the chaos. we were made in chaos and i’m certain we will end in chaos. actually i’m pretty sure we will never end. we will stand inside the chaos and just watch each other. and i will try to leave like i’ve tried so many times but something about the peace is unbearable to me. to you too as far as i’ve seen. so what do we do? what is there to do? how do we get out of this alive? maybe the only true thing i can do is die. and maybe the only thing you can do is die. we need to die for this storm to end. i’m sorry.

[nodezember]

30.4.2025

i feel like we’re two deers. i usually shy away from other people when they get too close. i get spooked and scurry away in fear. and i think you do it too.

but it feels different when someone is running away from you for once. why are you running away? am i not your friend? am i the predator that spooked you?

i feel like i am. i feel like the hunter running after you, not understanding that is your nature. just as it is mine. one wrong move. one badly thought out sound and you’re gone.

i understand, but sometimes i wish i could catch up

-im sorry i seem like your predator, i only wanted to touch you once (and again and again and again and

[nodezember]

28.4.2025

sometimes it scares me how alike we are. how much of myself i see in you. how much i truly want to hate you but can’t because i just know what you’re thinking. why you do what you do.

and in other moments i realize how truly different we are. how little of you i actually understand. how much you digust and anger me because i would never do this to you.

i never know what to believe

and then again i wonder, is this what you’re thinking about me too? that you know me so well but you really don’t? that you understand every thought i have about you but the next moment you’re left confused by my words, by my actions.

i wonder if we’re just running in constant circles around each other. maybe we are the sun and the moon. you are the sun and i am the moon. i run in circles just to catch a glimpse of your burning heat and you stand still, watching me. maybe the real you is the one i don’t get to see, hidden behind the earth, relaxed at the thought that i can’t see you for a moment. and when i come back from the other side, you’re different. i never know who is the real you. i don’t know who the real me is either. is this really all i’ve become?

[nodezember]

27.4.2025

what do you want from me? you don’t want me. you don’t actually care about me. and i wont pretend that i don’t know that anymore. you message me when you’re bored or lonely, or whatever other reasons you have for reaching out. like this conversation isn’t even actually happening; it’s all in my head. and yet i still imagine you being upset and angry about the lack of attention i give you. why? i’m not sure. i think part of me wants you to lash out at me. and that part wants me to finally tell you everything i’ve been feelings. all the repressed anger and sadness i’ve felt over the years. but it wont happen. because you’re too cowardly to admit your feelings. and funny enough, i am too cowardly too. you could lash out at me and i’m incapable of feeling things the right way and would apologize or something equally as stupid. that’s why this is just a conversation in my head. a scenario that will never be real. i wish i could be mad or even dumb enough to forgive you even though you aren’t sorry. but i’m simply a fool for you. you’ll forever do this and i’ll forever let you.

i honestly even pity you. i pity the way you feel. and i hate that i try to understand how you feel no matter the circumstance because i know how you feel. what you’re going through. i understand this is hard. but still i hate that you’re doing this despite knowing how much i hate this. i think this is where we split. i don’t torture my victims. and you still torture me. but maybe you know how much i actually thrive in the pain. how i soak in it and let it drown me.

-maybe we are meant to be in our own fucked up way

[nodezember]

26.04.2025

if the world was ending, would you message me one last time? would you want to hear my voice one last time? to say goodbye to me?

or would i not even cross your mind? would you be messaging the one you love one last time?

[nodezember]

25.04.2025

how very predictable of you

[nodezember]

11.04.2025

i don’t know who you are anymore. i never expected you to stay the same, but the person who you are now is someone i don’t recognize. do you not realize how much you hurt me? or do you just not care? are you truly ignorant or just cruel? no matter the answer, i don’t think i can like either of these kinds of people.

[nodezember]

11.04.2025

i hate this. i hate what you do to me every time. i wish i would care less. i hate that everything you do always makes me so weak.

[nodezember]

11.04.2025

happy birthday

please don’t reach out anymore. you don’t want me and you’ll never chose me so please stop tormenting me. i know i said i would be whatever you wanted me to be, a lover or a friend. but you were right all those years ago, i can’t be your friend. nor do i want to be anymore. i don’t want to be your friend if i also can’t be your lover. but even if i was your lover, i don’t think i could look past how this truly came to be. just the thought of last september showed me how this would go. it wasn’t a question of “if” you’d leave but a question of “when”. and i don’t want this anymore. this back and forth, this cat and mouse game where i always let you catch me. where i’m always vulnerable with my heart on a silver platter, always waiting for yours too. or ever just a crumb. but i’m tired and this hurts, so i’m setting you free and i’m hoping— begging, you to set me free too. please just know i never wanted it to end like this. i truly tried so many times to give you just one more chance but i’m at the end of my rope. i forgive you for all you’ve done and i promise i’m not mad at you, you’re dear to my heart for the rest of life. please take care.

[nodezember]

07.04.2025

i don’t know what you’re doing here anymore. i’m sad and angry and frustrated with you. are you trying to force me to remember you? are you trying to provoke me? it’s confusing. and it isn’t fun anymore. all it makes me feel is disgust. do my feelings mean so little to you? are you even thinking of them at all? i know it’s hard to think of someone else’s feeling when yours are so intense but do you really not remember how you have made me feel? or do you simply not care. i don’t want to imagine you so cruel. so i’m willing to believe you don’t actually realize your impact. but i also know this has happened too many times for you to not know. to not know how truly miserable you always make me feel when you do things like these. have fun running in circles around me, my eyes wont follow you around anymore until you finally stop and talk to me.