orbitingstasis

[orbitingstasis]

i think i really miss my brother.

he still exists obviously, but he has his own life now. his wife i don't really like and his kids. i miss having him in the house, being part of our routine. i miss talking to him while he cooks or watching him play games on the computer.

i think i always gravitate toward people that remind me of him. i just never really realized it. i never realized how much i miss him until this very moment. but there's nothing to be done. it's not like he can come back into my life like how things used to be. so i don't know what to do with this information.

i was lost in thought all night, thinking about how detached i feel from everything and everyone until he crossed my mind and now i can't stop crying. maybe i'm onto something.

[orbitingstasis]

#10

last night i talked to a cute guy at a bar. it was probably the first time i had the courage to actually walk up to someone attractive and strike up a conversation like that.

once i actually got there it was... surprisingly easy. i just talked to him like he was already a friend and the conversation just happened. i even found a way to smoothly ask for his number. felt pretty proud of myself for that one.

today i messaged him, trying to continue from where we had left off. he answered once or twice before not answering again for the rest of the day.

it's such a small thing but it made me doubt myself. question if i said something wrong or wasn't interesting enough to talk to. i feel like i should stick to that 'proud of myself' feeling from last night instead of second guessing it, but i can't help but think i did something wrong.

i hope this entry ages poorly and he actually does respond later on. i wanna do the normal person thing of talking to someone for like a week and setting up a date on the weekend and getting to know them over time. but it sometimes feels like that's completely out of my reach.

maybe i'm just too sensitive to this sort of thing. hopefully i get better at it soon.

[orbitingstasis]

#9

a little nervous about going back to work today. i'm in that moment i tend to come back to where i just don't trust myself around other people.

i feel like i'm very volatile and insecure. i'm scared i'll do what i do: try to overcompensate by being super social and super smart but just end up being kinda insufferable.

and this isn't a big thing. i actually feel fine. i feel light and relaxed as much as can be. it's just funny i always think of myself this way.

makes me wonder if i'll ever be able to just 'be' without this need to keep myself in check.

[orbitingstasis]

#8

so I went out with a guy who has a girlfriend today.

we've been talking a lot recently and he's really attractive and funny so i started kinda developing something for him. which is stupid. i know it is and that nothing would actually happen. but I dunno, i felt like pushing it, i guess. so when he mentioned he felt like going drinking tonight i said 'fuck it' and invited him to an alternative place i really enjoy.

we got there, ordered some drinks and talked for a good while. it was a great conversation, like ours usually are. we just kinda click and that's always a really nice experience to have. through the conversation and the more he mentioned his girlfriend and their history, the more i realized there really was no shot at anything here beyond a friendship. so maybe i'm okay with just that. why not, right? he's a really cool guy, really funny and caring, it's always good to have friends like those. and hey, it has been a while since i invited someone out for drinks, romantic or not. so it was a great experience and i got a good friend out of it.

funny thing was when we were at a bench calling our respective rides home. a girl approaches us asking if we're on a date. we stay in silence for a bit before i respond 'no' and he follows saying the same. which prompts her to say to him 'i see, it's just this friend of mine was really interested in you but he was shy cause he thought you two were dating', to which he obviously responded clarifying his status of datingness.

i was kinda shook. not impressed, honestly, he's a good looking guy. just.... i don't know. it all felt kind of ironic. the fact she thought we were on a date, the fact he promptly shut the person down... but most of all... this tapped into that whole insecurity of mine. even in the most alternative bar in town, i won't be noticed or approached by anyone. and even if i were with someone my presence is such a nothing people would still hit on him even if we were on a date. no wonder i'm doing this to myself, always being interested in unavailable people. and whenever someone actually shows an interest i'm ready to just jump to the opportunity!

this really sucks. it was still a fun night. that ending was just really bitter.

[orbitingstasis]

#7

i sometimes wonder what it is that draws me so much to the idea of companionship. the concept of being part of a duo, an army of two against the world, as oppose to striving to feel belonging in a bigger community.

i find myself looking for that everywhere. at school, at work, at my hobbies, i always wanna find that one person who's my plus one to that one particular area. and it's not just about romantic feelings, although i often confuse it with that at first. i guess i just like being part of a package deal. that way i don't feel like i take up as much space.

i mentioned this guy at my job before. i love being around him. we're fully in sync most of the time and we work so much better together than apart. everyone sees us as a unit and i love that. it makes me wish we could be a unit everywhere else. i guess that would constitute a romantic partner, even though rationally i know he wouldn't make for a very good one. so i don't think that's what i want. i just want him to be my companion. i wanna share stuff with him and hear about his life and experiences. i wanna be there for him, outside of work.

it's different from physical attraction. it's more of a longing for his presence and identity. it's a weird thing i can't really put into words. either way, i tend to always latch on to someone like that wherever i go. usually boys, yeah, so maybe i'm just buying into the whole narrative of being fulfilled by a relationship. or maybe it's just human nature and it's inevitable.

who knows?

i just hope he's doing alright right now.

[orbitingstasis]

#6

this one is gonna be a lot less composed than usual, sorry.

i'm starting to feel a lot of anger a lot of the time again. it had kinda went away since my time off, but it's definitely back at full swing now!

and it's not anger directed at anything in particular, either. it's just pure, aggressive discontent. my inner monologue's becoming more bitter and i'm finding it hard to keep myself positive. and i hate me like this. i like to be optimistic and see the good in everything when possible. i wish i could lock this version of me away until i get better, but it's not like i even know when that's gonna happen.

i sometimes try and figure out where all of this is coming from. i can think of a few possibilities. i hate how little free time i have or how little energy i have on the times i do. i hate how easy it is for me to neglect my own physical and mental health, how little care i give myself. i hate how everyone's always talking about sex and relationships like that's the only thing that matters, how that sold me a lie that i would feel fulfilled by getting laid. i hate it when someone points out i'm not capable of doing something or i don't know enough of something cause i had the brilliant idea to base my entire self worth on being 'the smart one', or 'the talented one'. i hate how my friends talk about each other behind their backs cause i know when i'm not around it'll be my turn. i hate how much i want people's attention when it's not like i even have anything to show off.

most of all i hate how much time and energy it takes to get better. to study and build a career, all while keeping up with the responsibilities i already have. and all that to get a better job that pays more, sure, but that eats away even more hours, even more mental batteries and even more of my essence. just thinking about that makes me wanna... i don't know, punch a wall or something. i'm way too tired to do any of that, though.

and i hate this. it's so much bitterness. it doesn't feel like me. i don't want anyone to see it but it's so hard keeping it hidden. every time i give my opinion on something it slips out without me even realizing it. makes me wanna just be quiet forever.

i just feel incredibly hopeless. maybe a nap will do the trick.

[orbitingstasis]

#5

it feels like i've been getting more confident recently, but from time to time something just knocks me off balance. it's mostly when i'm tired. i guess that makes me vulnerable.

i have this coworker i'm really fond of. we started the same day and i've always wanted to be his friend. we always help each other out and work great as a team. but recently i feel like he sees me as lesser somehow. like he's the only one being pressured and the only one who can take care of things. to me we were always a duo. we always relied on each other. i don't get why now, all of a sudden, he acts like i'm not good enough to help.

i'm trying so hard to become my own rockstar. i wanna be able to admire myself and be proud of what i can accomplish. i guess this just feels like the universe telling me i'm failing somehow. or maybe i just want his attention. maybe i really just want him to see me.

guess i still have a lot to learn.

[orbitingstasis]

#4

sometimes i hate how fragile i am. the slightest thing can make me doubt myself and throw me down the same old vicious cycles. i really did feel like i was getting better but these past few days without work have made me doubt that. maybe working proves to myself that i'm useful, that i'm worth something. but i really, really wish i didn't need that constant reassurance.

[orbitingstasis]

#3

just talked to the first person i've ever kissed after a few good years. we met in my high school days, taking art classes together. we drew each other all the time. i might still have the last drawing they made of me safe somewhere in my closet. the last one before i moved away for good.

it was such a different time back then. i was such a different person; a hopeless romantic, dreaming and hoping of love and happy endings, not yet jaded by failed attempts at relationships and endless meaningless hookups. back then i hadn't yet decided i'm better off on my own, at least for a while.

they've clearly changed a lot too, yet remain exactly the same where it counts. it's hard to explain. they have this glow, this charm, i don't think i've seen in anyone else since. sometimes i wonder if i struck gold on the very first try and will never find it again. or maybe it's just nostalgia goggles. just like watching your favorite childhood tv show years later. who knows?

[orbitingstasis]

#2

whenever i'm around my family i tend to act very calm and collected. little to no emotion, just polite smiles and nods, as oppose to who i am most of the time; jumpy, jokey and feely. and when that happens, for a second, i think i might prefer this version of me. the one that's stable and doesn't take up any space. i start thinking maybe this is the version of me that's supposed to be 'the real one'. it's what i was always like as a child, after all.

but then i realize: i only act this way because i'm uncomfortable with their presence. severely uncomfortable, in fact. so i shut down, don't feel anything and agree to anything they say. this isn't the 'real' version of me. it's the one i turn to when i don't want to be present. it's a sad, colorless version.

so how could i possibly think this is how i should be all the time? maybe cause kid me was always praised for being like that. 'quiet and not a bother'. i wonder if that's why.

[orbitingstasis]

#1 i feel like my job is turning me into the kind of person who isn't ever satisfied and complains all the time. which is funny, cause i always thought being a functioning member of society would finally mean i've earned my space in this world and the air in my lungs. but i guess it doesn't really work that way. i should've never thought i was supposed to earn the space i stand on to begin with. my self worth shouldn't be something i have to constantly work for and be afraid i'll lose at the slightest mishap. i always push myself so hard and for what? there'll never be a finish line. my life now is what it's always gonna be, albeit maybe in a different city and with different people around me. but i can never escape myself. i can never get enough validation from the outside to fill my insides. and yet i'm sure i'll still seek it out tomorrow and come home disappointed. i'm really not sure if i'm lonely or just tired. i should go to bed and figure it out.