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my letterboxd profile

the gender euphoria i get from:

wearing cap backwards

plain black tshirt

oversize jacket

my eyebrow slit

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the gender euphoria i get from:

wearing cap backwards

plain black tshirt

oversize jacket

my eyebrow slit

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i'm wearing a binder and this feels amazing whhohwohwohwoawhoaa i've never thought it'd be like this!!!!!!!!!!!

this is quite impressive! i wouldn't say it's the most comfortable thing and for a moment i was shit scared if i got a small one but no actually i think it's my size!

honestly it feels amazing now. whoa. whoa whoa whoa heavens.

but. i'm at home and i'm not planning to leave so i'll be taking it off soon. i still don't know for how long i can wear it in public until the discomfort kicks in. that one person on youtube was right this feels AMAZING MENTALLY but EXCRUCIATING PHYSICALLY.

i've got other questions like:

how to wash it and

wash it how often

but i think i can find that out on the website. also i probably can't go cycling in this cuz they've told not to run. so you can't run in these, can't wear it more than 8-12(?) hours, can't sleep in it and only should wear it five times a week. i think. from what i've heard

anyway this is a wild experience. a beautiful but suffocating experience. can't wait to try it out on a school day. hopefully i won't have to go to the bathroom and change again

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my chest is hurting. probably because of small sports bras i end up wearing for hours.

we were at my grandparents yesterday we left home at about 7pm and by 10pm i was uncomfortable and asked if we could leave. it sucks to think that if it wasn't for my discomfort i would've been a lot more chill in social situations.

my binder hasn't arrived yet. it's time to get sports bras that are my correct size. i only need two but it's still going to be a lot of money. binder costed a bit too.

i wish it was winter. i think i wouldn't be constantly thinking about gender and "how can i live like this? is it better to hide & hate myself forever for the sake of my religion and my parents and a rather easy life in society? maybe some time in the future i'll have the guts to live my truth but i just have to grin and bear it now?" if it was winter and my clothes were bigger. everything feels like they wrapped their hands around my brain and i can't see my way around the fog.

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hello. i just wanna talk abt trans stuff. i have a lot. to say but we'll get to them eventually.

yesterday i ordered a binder. it was a compulsive purchase. i mean. i don't know. the weather's getting warmer and warmer and i had to let go of my oversize jacket. i didn't want to let it go. last friday, it was a really warm day but i still wore it but i knew it would be last day i'd worn it :( i didn't feel that hot in it, honestly the comfort i got from it was everything. anyway. i had to let it go. my summer clothes are kinda old and there aren't many. i have two or three oversize t-shirts, one black and one white long sleeve ones i could wear under them and three oversize shirts. still, my chest is pretty much there-no matter how oversized my clothes are. and i live in a city where it's insanely hot in the summer so they're all made from pretty light fabric. and i don't know because i never pay much attention to it but i think my chest got bigger over the last year.

today i had to wear my summer clothes. i knew i'd be uncomfortable in them because i tried previously, it felt like hell. like, i didn't wanna be outside at all. that's why i knew i had to order a binder. it was either that, or i was forever going to avoid going to classes. don't when it's gonna arrive -prolly tomorrow or the next day- so today i wore a normal bra, a sports bra (that's not my size-i bought them last year but they don't fit me now, they're too tight) and a tight long sleeve t-shirt to straighten it all. i left home at like 10am and had to be at school until 4pm. unfortunately i had to go to the bathroom around 3pm to take off my sports bra because it hurt and i felt like i couldn't breath or move freely. it was much better after i took it off but honestly the experience wasn't nice. my posture is awful trying to hide my chest and on the way home i thought i looked bad but i was too tired and hungry to care.

i don't know if i'm going to be able to breath in a binder or if it's a wise idea to wear it in much hotter summer days but it's really anxiety inducing to be in public these days. i need an oversize shirt or two. maybe flannel shirts. i honestly don't know