springtowardsummer

[springtowardsummer]

once again, dreams

getting over the same person isn't quite easy because what if i told you that you appeared in my dreams once again. hell, i didn't even expect to see you in my dreams. that felt real, felt too real. sometimes i wish i didn't wake up from that, and i wish that it lasted. i could still feel your hand on mine, yet i don't even know how you actually feel like. would your hands be bigger than mine? would you feel soft, and would you hold me close like you never wanted to let me go? what about that one part in that dream where you gave me a letter of all your feelings towards me? yet i don't even know if you'd do that in real life because we're so far from each other. it hurts, knowing that i'm trying to stop loving you because i know it's hopeless. it's not fair when the dream told me you confessed that you love me so, so much that you immediately wanted to tell it to the world that i am yours. but i woke up, it's all a goddamn dream. i thought i said i don't love you anymore, but these dreams... these damned dreams of mine, they tell me i love you. i know i shouldn't listen because they were random, but i hate it. i hate that i listen. yes i miss you, yes i know i talked to you again, but what the fuck are these feelings? what the hell is this? is this still a dream or a prophecy that it will come true? i just missed you one time and now this happened. i just miss you and the days and nights we goofed around, i miss you and our laughters. but that doesn't mean these kinds of dreams should pop up. i'm so confused, aggravated, now i can't find the right words to say hello to you again.

[springtowardsummer]

a treat to myself

another tale of me trying to fix my already broken headphones, and broke it once again after gripping it too hard. my hands are too strong for delicateness, too rough for gently touching something fragile. more realization that keeps sinking in is the fact that i am really not fit for the type of gentleness despite my fragile emotions. physically, i am rough for everything, but emotionally? you can find me crying in the corner over the silliest thing you can even cry on. oh, and i'm overwhelmed by the fact that we have so much to do. college is exhausting, but it's worth it at the end of the day because i get to eat foods that i crave for.

[springtowardsummer]

realization

i guess it's really time to stop falling for you. i think i found out myself, or maybe you knew i loved you and showed hints that we're not supposed to be together, whatever the circumstances.

true love waits, for me i'll wait for that true love. it's not you, but i'm glad i fell in love with you. even if you didn't know, you made me believe in love again. you became the summer to my spring, you became an inspiration. i'm not sure if you're still going to be the summer of my forever, my sunshine. it's probably someone else. but for now, this is a chapter i will try to close. and in the future, i'll find the right one who'll be the summer of my spring who waits for it.

[springtowardsummer]

i am now free starting this monday, no class no nothing, only me and the deep thoughts of misery, the spring who will fall for summer, the tears, the happiness, the saving, the everything. i'd say i still miss you. you are the sunshine of each of my morning, you are still the one i will choose if there is a choice between you or me. winter is about to end, spring will begin and that's where another cycle of this unsure feelings of whether or not my feelings of you are true or i just miss your voice and everything about you. i still wonder if you feel the same about me, because i really need closure. i need to know, i hope you give me an answer.

[springtowardsummer]

two feelings for today; one where the ships feel like sinking underwater. the other is the spilling of unwanted emotions. today i feel neutral, today i feel nothing but confusion. but i'm probably needing sleep, i probably need to rest this heavy heart. for now, a series of shallow happiness is enough to make me feel like myself. but when my eyes become heavy, i feel the sleep overtaking me. we're approaching spring, then... goes summer.

[springtowardsummer]

sometimes i wake up and wonder if you and i aren't really meant to be. i wonder if this is how it really is with love, romance, anything like that. maybe we're not actually like macaroni and cheese, cereal and milk. maybe we're actually oil and water; things that don't go well together. yeah opposites do attract, but that rarely happens. this is reality, face it. it's not like those fictional stories i think and dream about; we're totally incompatible. you probably despise me, in which i can understand. i am in my mirage for almost a year now, thinking about things that will never happen for the two of us. i'm sorry everything is about you, i wish i could undo this part of me that screams "i love you" when you're not there. i wish i was normal whenever someone asks me about you instead of going red. i wish the songs i listen to were not reminiscent of you. i want to leave these feelings behind, but something keeps pushing me back in. the same way friction is used when you push an object towards you. it's just ridiculous whenever i think about this. well then, i really need a good sleep to ease my mind off of this.

[springtowardsummer]

in my dreams i love you, in my thoughts you told me you love me. i love every time we have the chance to talk to each other. i'm sorry if i am weird at times, pushing you to stop talking to me. i wonder if you hate me, i wonder if you don't. these thoughts i have when in a drunken haze don't help, and i'm not even drunk. just drunk with these ideas that are intoxicating. friends, friends, what are we really? i tried many times to tell myself that i can't love you, maybe because you love someone else. i can't love you because i am out of your league, probably. find this note one day, you'll know my true feelings for you. my golden summer, i am angry at myself for falling into these feelings that i'm sure you don't want me to have. sorry, i let my love spill again. i'll try to stop falling for you once again.

[springtowardsummer]

staring at the ceiling with loud music blaring from one of my headphones (the other one broke, sad!) i started humming along to my favorite song. then i remembered how the lyrics resonated within me, because they talked about bittersweet one-sided romance. oh boy, just like what i'm feeling for the past - no, almost a year - type of moments. still wondering what it's like if it was us ending up together, would we be like i thought it would be? would we stay up all night talking about the most random things we could think of? would we send each other morning messages greeting us with a "good morning" and "i love you have a nice day!" instead of me writing these entries and you wouldn't even know that it was you because i never told you about all of this, not even once? all these endless possibilities of you and i, you and me, me and you. gotta tell you all of this probably one day, just hoping that none of this would end up with a broken friendship. but of course, as cowardly as i am... probably not? either ways, i need a cup of coffee... or sleep... or both?

[springtowardsummer]

it's late at night

i like you for who you are. i love you for what you do. though we may seem distant, i still continue loving from afar. i love you the same way i love my late night coffees and random plethora of thoughts. i love you the same way i look at the night sky and wonder the endless possibilities of you and me. sweet. will you call me your dearest? hopefully you didn't feel gnarly. hey, it's just the same old... same old me... i know you're probably vexed because of me now, sorry for the way i am. if you did like me for who i was before, i apologize for wiping off that old persona of mine. i have changed, the world did, you have too. but in a way, we're still the same old friends. would it be weird if i stopped liking you now and you suddenly fell in love with me? if that were the case, then everything is just fucked. can you love me right now, at this moment? when i still love you? before it's too late?

[springtowardsummer]

things aren't the same anymore

from the brightness of the screen through the sound of the phone ringing and yet i never answered any calls. there was this time where i would wake up to the sound of your messages so early in the morning and back then i was amused by how enthusiastic you are towards me. what did i do that time? i was the type to make it awkward, it still is awkward now but the fact that i never gave you the same enthusiasm back then made me regret everything. so what even is there to look forward to when i stare at this block of screen?

the guilty admitted as I could only let reminisce and wonder if i had not made those mistakes. it kills me to know how distant we have become, back then you would tell me everything. what about now? things aren't the same anymore indeed. tell me there's still some hope for this despondent pining... coward of a person like me. say, i did write something last time that i saw the rainbows except it went into reverse. imagine a rainbow disappearing and then rain comes, that's how it is. sometimes i wish i could turn back time multiple times in a row, telling myself this isn't something i should do because look at how pretentious i sound right now. i'm commiserating on myself. i think it's time for me to sleep, there's still many things to do later on actually.

[springtowardsummer]

the ups of romance

heard your voice last time. you were happy, having fun. glad i was there to find out how you felt that time. enjoyed it? yes. am i looking forward for the next time? of course. i saw rainbows, i felt butterflies, i saw the time passing by until it was so early in the morning. the muse which was you who i declared as not anymore became you again. i saw the gloomy night became lively despite the chances of rain that usually gives me uncertainty whenever i am alone. saw myself smiling so happily again, found you laughing along to my silly jokes like before. back in love. back with these silly little crushes and blushes. i will watch what you would tell me to watch again, will play the game you want me to play with. i feel happy.

[springtowardsummer]

i embraced the past too much i fell in love with it

one would think, "is this about nostalgia?" i can definitely answer with a yes and no. yes, because i do think about nostalgia. and no, because it's not just about that; it's also about that person. when i said i fell in love with the past you, it is about the past you that would always send me a message. the past you who would look for me when i'm not there. the past you who i said was one of the bestest friends that i'd like to meet back then because i wanted to just know how it feels to stand next to you and i'd treat you to a cup of coffee. i know, it's repetitive. i've been talking about this too much, and i also said it multiple times that i've moved on from this hurtful romantic feelings. i just wish you'd know that this is about you, all of these things i have written so far. in a way, i could say that i wrote you something but it's in the back of my head so you wouldn't know. unless i accidentally say it or if you figured it all out. maybe one day you'll find out but these words shall be here and here alone for now. i'll let you figure it out the same way an archaeologist finds a treasure or a ruin hidden a thousand years ago, those kinds of ruins that had writings to be deciphered. i somehow hope you find these notes that were made for you and hope you feel the same way.

for now, i'll stick to embracing the past that had us together laughing through stories that we randomly make out to be our silliest writings ever. and yes, i admit i fell in love because i missed you, missed the past; our past exactly. now there's me thinking if we hadn't fell out, where would we be now?

[springtowardsummer]

because the way we are right now is something of a stretch

holding on to something i am not exactly into admitting. seriously, i shouldn't be feeling this way. it's morning and i still haven't slept, despite being the one in charge of playing musical instruments. maybe i was having too much fun, with those i actually love. haha, cheesy i know. but the question is, are you still my muse? probably, maybe, but because the way we are right now is something of a stretch, because i keep trying to find out if you really are someone i am smitten towards.

i don't understand myself either.

anyways, good morning

[springtowardsummer]

in love with the past

yes, the nostalgia breezes through this morning air as i stare at the window from my bed. today is something i look forward to; family hangouts. suddenly i missed the times where i would wake up early and get out of my house to take a walk around my neighborhood. obviously, i can still do it. i'm just too lazy to do it. and i also miss the times whenever i wake up early in my province, and me as a child would wake my friends up so we could play as early as we could. it's fun, it was fun. but as time passes by, everyone grows up. everyone has their own lives, i have mine too. although this morning, instead of my usual "head empty" self, i am filled with not just one — not two — but multiple ideas running in my head. some are just thoughts of wanting to go back to the past, just to relive what i took for granted.

and today, i am in love with the past.

it's something i found interesting.

[springtowardsummer]

cappuccino for my love, coffee for my thoughts

so, in the midst of drinking my cappuccino while doing our project, i had this little idea that has been running through my head. an idea that i liked, although it's hard to put it into words. so, cappuccino for my love, after spreading colors onto the white board, on things i'll never say, it was about this thought of romantic dreams. how the thought of romance as a whole is still as complex as ever. i let out a chuckle, in response to my stupidity in terms of romantic ideas. those things? hah, i'll keep them all to my head. one of the things i'll never say, is of course, my feelings towards you. still hoping you'd be the one to tell me your feelings towards me, because i am afraid about my words going the wrong direction. coffee for my thoughts, whoa. these set of sentences don't go well together. i feel odd.

[springtowardsummer]

it's not like i was ignoring you

the awkwardness when you and i are alone is something i can't bear to handle. this was something i could've prevented had we not parted for a while (but of course i am stupid to ignore you when it was you who talked to me). tears threaten to fall and i can't help myself but to be stupid about this. gosh, this late night thoughts and coffee while the rain pours down gives me nothing but confusion. oh well, i do wish there was something i could've done back then. it's not like i was ignoring you. it's probably the one where i - don't know what to talk to you, i don't know what you like anymore, i think of you though. do you? do you do the same? i think my coffee is too bland that's why i'm doing this,, and my philosophical subjects are messing me up. don't take this seriously (?) or take it with a grain of salt. my thoughts pour down like drops of rain, like vomit, like anything you can spill.

[springtowardsummer]

blah

something in my thoughts brought me into the idea of creating a story, one that i have been keeping in the past. i shared this one back then with some friends of mine and they were keen on the characters and the story itself. perhaps it is time for me to continue it, show it to the world and be proud of something that i have done. haha, if i do i hope i can finish such a long story. anyways, back to something i wrote in the back of my head during a math lecture.

when i saw the sun setting earlier afternoon, i was amazed.

in my head i thought of it as something that god really created;

beautiful, something i am happy to see with my own two eyes.

my heart, filled with joy. my thoughts, filled with happy fantasies.

happy fantasies i would share to him, had we not drifted apart.

in these fantasies, it was the fictional stories that which i have thought of.

the characters and how they would share their love to one another.

because hey, i'm a sucker for love stories.

and love stories became my forte,

second to the real life romance in which i am always the pretentious one-sided lover.

one in which i love you, and you don't because i will never tell you my feelings.

because i am afraid that would lead our friendship into nothingness.

love is a complex process.

i am not liking it.