#'[^^^^excessive? meandering? pointless?]' so take that as you will

[serpentface]

Brakul Red-Dog was a decidedly handsome man, though soft featured and fishbelly pale in complexion. He was tall and thickly muscled, with a heavyset wrestler’s build that spoke to years of bodily conflict between hard labor and good eating. His hair was a striking orange-blonde, which he always kept shorn close to the scalp. His brows, beard and mustache were darker in color, bushy but well-trimmed and fastidiously maintained. He always spoke slowly and with great care, less for Wardi being his second language and more for the gap between his front teeth that would whistle, rather embarrassingly, were he not careful. He was born of the Hill Tribes, specifically a clan of farmers and cattle drivers on the north side of the Erubin river valley. If Brakul's hair and accent wasn't enough, his tattooing made these heathen origins abundantly clear. Trailing down beneath each deep brown eye was a vertical line bordered with four dots apiece. His upper arms were braced with alternating banded patterns of lines, dots, and square whorls. Most eye-catching was on the left of his broad chest, where a figure of a dog seemed to bound majestically over his nipple.  Brakul would often be seized by a nostalgic melancholy in drunkenness and set about explaining his markings to his Wardi compatriots, tracing over his skin and identifying each point in his slow, deep voice. His arms and face, apparently, contained exhaustive detail about his family tree; fathers and grandfathers and brothers and brothers-in-law and uncles and great-uncles and second cousins and so on. The nuances of how some circles and rectangles could do so always eluded Janeys.  The dog was fresher, the ink black where the rest faded blue-gray, and its meaning simpler. It was a bit of a bitter joke, a nod to his war name ‘Red-Dog’. Apparently, his people would tattoo the symbol of their clan's name over the heart upon final initiations into manhood. Brakul never got the chance, given he’d left his brothers, wife, and child for foreign causes and a foreign lad, and as such had been thoroughly disowned. The dog was the only name he had left. Janeys knew of people who oh-so-creatively derided Brakul as ‘Haidamane’s dog’ and chinmachen based on this. These were, of course, absolute fucking morons. Anyone with half a brain and the barest observational skill would know the man was completely and utterly ganmachen, ox-faced by both temperament and birthsign. Hardy in nature, placid and quiet under most circumstances, stubborn to a fault, and dangerous when pressed.  It was Janeys who was born under the dog stars, though this he kept secret, implying himself to be his dear Faiza’s twin when asked. The two of them looked much alike after all, and were born just over a year apart. It took only this small, harmless exaggeration to claim her far more auspicious birthsign as his own, which was well worth the risks of dishonesty. Janeys had enough problems - and more than enough scathing epithets - without the addition of ‘bitch-faced’ to his good name, thank you very much.

Janeys' POV introducing Brakul Red-Dog, himself, and (loosely) the Wardi zodiac system

[diodellet]

An opportunity to learn more about Dio’s sexy writing and preferences?? Don’t mind if I do 0wo

☁💢😎🤝💞 🗨

sexy writing u say? U FLATTER ME LODS 🤧🤧

cw: mentions of food, slight (but not detailed) discussion of dubcon ahead, also this post got long so im putting it under a keep reading (edit: SIKE)

☁️favorite fluff trope

i can't write it but i do like it when people lay out detailed cooking in fanfic, like seeing my fave characters working together in a kitchen? MM im now hungry for food And for love! (And generally the food as metaphor for love trope has a special place in my heart.)

++im not the best at visualizing so i also appreciate it when the author takes care to show the steps in preparation and to describe the food through smell or what ingredients it uses. the extra details are very very appreciated, sincerely a girlie whos mind eye doesn't work

++people should use the 'food as metaphor for love' to unapologetically project their culture's food! i think it's really neat and cool!

💢favorite dark trope

usghl darkfic... my forbidden lover.... seeing my bebelabs without the rose-tinted glasses of luving you....

i can't just pick one! favoritism is bad!! (*sideeyes the many flavors of dubcon* *sideeyes zombie/post-apocalypse au*) it's all good and painful for my heart delicious to read!

(my reasons for liking dubcon are simple: i just like it when the pleasure's mixed with something else /shrug/ ++ saying things is hard)

If I dig deep into my memories, there are these 2 post-apocalypse AU fanfics (both are above 100k words and i followed one of them while it was still being written. /that/ was an ordeal i would be willing to go through again if i wasn't being hounded by irl deadlines🥴🥴). i just think that fluff and domesticity hit harder when the characters constantly have to overcome the trials of surviving in a hostile environment. whether they create a found family or eventually die out never finding sanctuary, i think the long agonizing journey they took is still worth it.

😎favorite character trope

haha what are you talking about👀👀 i-i dont have a favorite character type wh-who told you that--

ALEXA PLAY BAD BOY BY RED VELVET AND THEN AFTER THAT PLAY RBB CAN YOU GUESS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER? IS MY TYPE OBVIOUS NOW? NO? I STILL HAVE TO EXPLAIN? RAAAGGHHH *nasagasaan*

in all my open-mindedness, i cannot seem to pin down my favorite characters to a single trope. Because there are too many that i like. BUT the standouts seem to include:

Emotionally-constipated/repressed but In Need Of A Friend

Extremely angsty backstory that led to them developing a tough unshakable facade

GNC appearance (either or both masc and fem?? OR NEITHER, LIKE JUST ANDROGYNOUS?? I LOVE💕💕)

tl;dr: GAP MOE IS A MUST!!!

i need the duality, for science

🤝favorite platonic trope

you will see a trend of indecision and choice paralysis

Hmm, as of late I think I've been reading stuff with a lot of insomnia tropes. so stuff like wandering around at 2am, sitting on the rooftop, stargazing or waiting for sunrise, having pointless meandering rambly conversations (bonus points if they get existential or philosophical), midnight cooking!!!

It's just nice to read about characters baring their souls under the moonlight, without any hesitations. (and how dare i bring romance to a question about platonic love but) to me, a conversation held in the hours between 11 pm to 6 am can sometimes be more profound than slowly building up to a first kiss.

💞favorite romantic trope

ok never mind i lied the indecision was a lie

GIMME ALL THE PHYSICAL TOUCHIES!!

please and thank you 😇🙏

excessive handholding? complete trust in each other to the point of closing their (perceived social) distances? unprompted hugging?? UNPROMPTED TACKLE HUGGING?? C-COUPLED WITH SPINNING AROUND WHILE LAUGHING AND ENDING WITH THE CHARACS PRESSING THEIR FOREHEADS TOGETHER??

(cue me in the corner shaking biting my fist while on the verge of tears)

i like reading about characters being so utterly smitten with each other they're basically glued to the hip. its so gooey and cheesy and sweet and it makes my heart //yearn// it's kinda funny since the lockdown fucked with my sense of personal space, but i can't stop myself from writing a copious amount of physical touch in my fics.

🗨what's a favorite trope you'd like to write [character] in?

(let's go with jamil bcs he's been starring in All my maladaptive daydreams recently)

i wanna write.... band au for jamil but before i can do that i. need to research on bass players. like bass guitar players. listen to me, LISTEN— (imagine im shaking u by the shouldsrs) BECAUSE IT SUITS HIM. SYMBOLICALLY OR CHARACTERILLY OR SUMN

(the bassline of a song is borderline invisible, but when it's gone it just makes the entire thing fall flat. Kinda like how jamil just holds a lotta things together but STILL keeps a low profile. Also bass solos are literal bops, usually they get Shit parts along with drummers bcs a lot of pop music is generic formulaic earworm-derogatory LSS TRASH but Also Also bassists are sexy—*nasagasaan nanaman*)

send me an emoji: writing wishes asks

[tiramisiyu]

【未定事件簿】 Tears of Themis: “Romantic Rail Getaway” Lu Jinghe Route, Day 2

Translation Masterlist | Event Masterlist

Lu Jinghe Route: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Videos, where applicable, are hyperlinked on the headings in the post.

See under cut!

Part 1: Mangrove Forest Scenery – “The Beauty of the Mangrove Forest”

The dense mangrove forest meandered into little parts, and the rich green assaulted our senses, stretching to ends beyond our sight.

MC: The mangrove forest is so beautiful…

Lu Jinghe: Mhmm, it feels really good to breathe in fresh air.

In this sea of trees, I felt like I had become one with the clear, free air, making me particularly relaxed.

Lu Jinghe: Right! It said on the guide that the special events of the Mangrove Forest Park were canoe rafting and forest exploration.

Lu Jinghe: Which do you want to try?

Do you even need to ask? Only a kid would bother choosing. An adult would, of course…

MC: I want them all!

 Park Inquiry Hut

Staff: Hello, which event would you two like to try?

MC: We want to experience canoe rafting and the cableway adventure.

Staff: The canoe rafting location is at the forest dock. The two of you can follow the leftside pathway to the end.

Staff: The cableway adventure location just happens to be near the end of the canoe rafting event.

Staff: The two of you can try the canoe rafting first, and after you arrive to the end on the boat, you can follow the riverside forest path to go to the cableway adventure location.

MC: Okay, thank you.

Staff: No problem. If there’s anything else you want to know, you can ask me.

--

INTERROGATION START

Park Attractions

MC: May I ask, aside from the canoe rafting and forest exploration, what other fun attractions are there in the Mangrove Forest Park?

Staff: I’d recommend that the two of you check out the Pathway of Reverie and the root-carving art museum.

Staff: These two spots are also popular attractions in our park, and they’re worth the trip.

Pathway of Reverie

MC: What’s the Pathway of Reverie?

Staff: The Pathway of Reverie is a forest path, formed from specially-shaped mangrove wood.

Staff: We’ve designed a specific shape for each mangrove tree. Visitors who walk on the path will feel like they’ve appeared in a fairy-tale world.

MC: (A fairy tale world path? Sounds pretty charming.)

MC: When we have time later, let’s go see.

Root-carving Art Museum

Lu Jinghe: Where is the root-carving art museum located?

Staff: It’s near the art display area on the south side.

Staff: Over a hundred root-carving works meticulously designed by Tambuyani’s root-carving artists are collected there.

Staff: I’m sure visitors will definitely feel the charm of the root-carving art.

Special Events

MC: I’ve looked over the guide recommendations before. It seems like the mangrove forest park has some special events?

MC: What kinds of events are they? Could you give us a simple intro?

Staff: If we’re talking special… it’s probably the park’s tree-root carving experience and the mangrove bug barbeque taste test that the dining area just put out.

Mangrove Bug

Lu Jinghe: Do mangrove bugs taste good?

Why does Lu Jinghe look like he’s looking forward to it?!

Staff: The mangrove bug is a type of parasitic bug that lives in mangrove trunks.

Staff: After the chefs use their special methods to deal with it, and when Tambuyani’s special local dipping sauce is added to it, the taste is refreshing, with a special hint of fruit tree wood.

Staff: I recommend that daring guests try it out.

Lu Jinghe: Jiejie, how about we…

MC: Nope, nope. I… I can just watch you eat.

Root Carving Experience

MC: Whoa… I’m pretty interested in the root-carving experience!

Staff: The tree-root carving experience is on the first floor of the root-carving art museum. Visitors who would like to try can head there.

Staff: We provide mangrove tree roots for free to visitors who participate in the event, and the visitors can also take their carved works for themselves.

MC: (This one really tests hands-on skills. Hm… although, with Lu Jinghe here, I should be able to try!)

INTERROGATION COMPLETE

--

Staff: Do the two of you have any other questions?

MC: None left, thank you.

Staff: No problem, I hope you two have fun.

--

MC: Canoeing, the cableway, the Pathway of Reverie, and the root-carving experience… they all seem pretty interesting.

MC: Hm, looks like today’s itinerary is already full.

Lu Jinghe: It’s not full – it’s rich.

Lu Jinghe: Let’s go – our rich, fun day starts now!

 Part 2: Forest Exploration

[Gameplay]

Part 3: Pathway of Reverie

[Gameplay]

 Part 4: Root-carving Art Area – “Unexpected Indigenous Peoples”

Mangrove Forest Park

After we finished visiting the Pathway of Reverie and the root-carving art museum, we eagerly followed the path towards the next attraction – the canoe rafting.

But before we neared the path, thick smoke came from the shrubs, assaulting our senses, making me cough repeatedly.

MC: Ahem ahem… something’s caught fire?!

Lu Jinghe: Yeah, someone’s burning something in the forest!

Mangroves grew on the edge of the tidal flats, and the surroundings were all very wet. It was unlikely for a fire to occur naturally.

It was very evident that someone was intentionally burning something on the tree borderline.

Lu Jinghe: I’m going to contact the staff first, and then we’ll go see.

MC: Okay!

--

There were scorch marks all over the shrubbery and plants, and the further we walked, the more choking the smoke grew.

In the middle of a mess, several people wearing Tambuyani indigenous clothing had gathered up closely amid the trees.

Some people, holding torches, lit up the shrubbery and incinerated the grass. Some people, holding axes, were chopping off tree branches and clearing up the excess.

MC: What are you doing?!

My voice caught the attention of that group. A man that looked like the leader walked out.

Indigenous Leader: We’re plowing the land.

Lu Jinghe: Friend, don’t your words sound kind of wrong? You all are clearly burning the trees and cutting at random.

Lu Jinghe had just spoken when one of the indigenous people started to shout.

Indigenous Person A: Leader, drive them away!

Indigenous Person B: Exactly, exactly. What do foreigners know – don’t get in our way!

[Gameplay]

Indigenous Leader: We have a reason behind why we’re doing this. Foreigners, I’d encourage you to not concern yourself where you shouldn’t.

The indigenous leader’s tone downplayed the situation, as if cutting down trees that had grown for so long was as simple as pulling up weeds in a courtyard.

That’s way too awful. We absolutely can’t compromise so easily!

I thought about it, then decided to talk to them to delay time, until staff members arrived.

--

INTERROGATION START

Reason for Incinerating Trees

MC: Then couldn’t you tell us about the reason?

Lu Jinghe: Yeah, you’re keeping us foreigners in suspense by only speaking about half of it.

Indigenous Leader: You foreigners are so annoying!

It seemed like our questions had annoyed him. He put down the tools he was holding and started explaining to us.

Indigenous Leader: It’s such a waste to grow these useless trees on such a large tract of land. Might as well make space for us to grow parrot-tail fairy flowers!

Parrot-tail Fairy Flower

MC: Y-you’re going to plant parrot-tail fairy flowers?!

Aren’t parrot-tail fairy flowers a rare plant that Pax’s researchers only noticed recently?

It wasn’t just me – Lu Jinghe also had a stunned expression.

Although, he changed to an extremely professional business smile very quickly.

Lu Jinghe: The flower you’re talking about… what is it? How come I’ve never heard of it?

Indigenous Leader: That’s the sacred flower of Tambuyani. If you eat its petals, you can get rid of the diseases you have and live healthily and peacefully forever.

Lu Jinghe: If you eat this flower, is it that you’ll never get sick again?

Indigenous Leader: Yeah. Otherwise, how could we call it a sacred flower? Foreigners, want to buy some and try?

Lu Jinghe: Sure, how are you selling it?

As expected of Lu Jinghe. His tone was absolutely that of a foreign visitor that knew nothing and was easily fooled.

The indigenous leader gradually let down his guard, becoming quite eager.

Indigenous Leader: For our friendship, the price is negotiable!

Indigenous Leader: We’ve got flower fields at other places. How about I take you two there to see it?

Location of the Flower Field

Lu Jinghe: Where is the flower field? If I buy a lot, can you give me a discount?

Indigenous Leader: Hah, don’t worry! We’ve got a large parrot-tail fairy flower field in Imana Forest, and I guarantee that supply will be sufficient!

Indigenous Leader: As for discounts… we’ll have to see how much you buy.

INTERROGATION COMPLETE

--

MC: (If we keep asking, these indigenous people might actually take us to their flower field to see their supply.)

We’d delayed time for so long, so the staff members should probably almost be here.

I surreptitiously tugged at the opening of Lu Jinghe’s sleeve, hinting that it was about time. He turned around and winked, receiving my hint.

Indigenous Leader: Now that we’ve said this much, are you two going to buy the parrot-tail fairy flower?

Lu Jinghe: I thought about it seriously… and I feel like this situation still isn’t that reliable.

Lu Jinghe: Also, before you start conducting business so warmly, you should consider the current circumstances first.

Indigenous Leader: What?!

Not too far away, we heard the faint sounds of screeching sirens and the rolling movements of tires.

Seeing their plan dissolve away, the indigenous people showed expressions of fury, one by one.

Indigenous Leader: So goddamn annoying, you hindering foreigners!

However, it was pointless no matter how furious they got. Staff and police arrived very quickly and got the situation under control.

The end of the matter here could be considered a temporary moment of peace.

 Part 5: Wetlands in the Forest

[Gameplay]

 Part 6: Unexpected Interference

Mangrove Forest Park

The sky grew gradually darker, and the clamoring turmoil in the mangrove forest park also gradually died down.

There were only the remnants of burnt-smelling air from the incinerations, reminding of us the disaster that this mangrove forest had endured, not too long ago.

In this sort of atmosphere, neither I nor Lu Jinghe had the heart to have fun.

We sat by the river and randomly ate a few things, ending the day’s itinerary carelessly.

MC: I didn’t think that this much stuff would happen today.

Lu Jinghe: Ugh, the canoe rafting and the mangrove forest cableway adventure plans all went up in smoke.

Lu Jinghe dejectedly held a tree branch, drawing circles on the ground.

Seeing the mangrove branch in his hand, the scenes of the indigenous people roughly cutting down the trees and setting fire to the forest emerged before my eyes.

MC: The most troublesome issue right now are those indigenous people… what if they continue wreaking damage on the mangrove forest park tomorrow?

Lu Jinghe: I’ve gotten someone to let the local people in charge know about the situation, to have them dispatch people to supervise and manage this place.

MC: Hmm… that’s all we can do for now.

Lu Jinghe: I’m just afraid that they can manage this place for a while, but they can’t manage it forever.

Lu Jinghe: It seems like those indigenous people don’t know that burning and cutting down trees is a bad thing at all…

MC: That’s what I also felt… maybe, to them, we’re the interfering rascals.

Lu Jinghe: They even said “We’ve got a large parrot-tail fairy flower field in Imana Forest, and I guarantee that supply will be sufficient”…

Lu Jinghe: If I didn’t learn about the parrot-tail fairy flower situation in advance, I definitely would’ve thought that this is a medicinal herb panacea that’s always ready in the households of the indigenous.

MC: Maybe they truly believe that the flowers they’ve planted are the “parrot-tail fairy flowers” that can bring wealth.

Tambuyani’s economy was undeveloped, and the gap between the rich and poor was significant.

The indigenous people were mostly simple and pure. If they were to believe that there was something that could bring them greater wealth…

They would simply finish off this matter without considering any consequences.

If so, as we don’t know how many forests would encounter unacceptable disasters, what should we do?

>Mention your own suggestion >Ask for help from Lu Jinghe

MC: Should we go to Imana Rainforest and take a look at the flower field that the indigenous people mentioned?

MC: Just listening to them say these things isn’t enough for us to confirm the situation… we have to see it to believe it.

Lu Jinghe: No problem. Tomorrow, the train is going to drive near the Imana Rainforest tribe. We can look around on the way.

MC: Mhmm, let’s do that for now!

 >Mention your own suggestion >Ask for help from Lu Jinghe

MC: Lu Jinghe, do… you have any ideas?

Lu Jinghe: Let me think… the train will drive near the Imana Rainforest tribe tomorrow…

Lu Jinghe: How about we take a look at what’s up with that flower field that the indigenous people mentioned, on the way?

MC: Sounds reasonable… seeing is believing, after all. Only when we get our hands on the detailed situation can we think up of a way to solve this.

MC: Then tomorrow, we’ll figure things alone the way at the rainforest!

[sleepymccoy]

Not Quite Human

The apocalypse had been, all in all, a bit of a let down. All the angels of Heaven and demons of Hell had found it rather disappointing.

In the years following the demons attempted a mutiny, but they lost interest fairly quickly when they’d realised there was no one around to mutiny against. After all, no one had had any control over the not-war except Crowley, and he’d turned his location off on his phone. And he was a bit frightening now.

The angels hadn’t bothered to complain, they were all far too used to doing as they were told.

One of each of these species had found their mood significantly different than their type in the aftermath. The aforementioned demon Crowley, and one angel Aziraphale. They’d both quit their jobs for each other and returned home, tumbling rather helplessly towards a relief-filled romance. But old habits die hard and with nothing left to keep the pair from expressing their feelings, they created their own barriers to hold themselves back.

And so years passed with pointless desire, self inflicted wallowing, and miserable restraint.

Luckily for both of them, the angel was fed up. He’d been stewing too long and had decided to give it a go.

Sitting may be a polite term for what Crowley was doing to his couch. He’d picked up this rather disturbing artistic effort at interior decorating, a modern exploration into levels, at far too high a price. The couch had no dedicated back (or front, for that matter), but rather was made up of different cubes and blocks of varying shapes and sizes, placed with no apparent awareness of the needs of a body to lounge. Aziraphale hated it. Depending on his mood, Crowley either found it unbearable, or the most comfortable thing in existence.

Today it was very comfortable. He lay splayed like a lost starfish across the surface, staring at his phone, not really thinking about anything.

Aziraphale was reading a simple book that didn’t require much concentration, and his mind was wandering and thinking and scheming. As an angel he had excess eyes, so while his humanoid pair were enjoying a lengthy description of the kind of elderly English person who frequented Betram’s Hotel’s parlour, his more angelic and unknowable eyes were keeping a watch on the demon across the room.

“I have a fear, Crowley,” Aziraphale said into the comfortable silence that had formed, “that we may spend the rest of our lives together with you not asking me for as much as I am willing to give you.”

Crowley dropped his phone and twisted his spine back to tip his head over the back of one of the absurd edges of the couch. His hair fell in his face and, after blowing the long locks out of the way, he asked, “What d’you want, then?” His glasses slipped up to his forehead, so Crowley scrabbled at them to keep them at least vaguely in place.

Aziraphale turned his human eyes to Crowley. “You misunderstand, and I am not sure if you do so unintentionally or not, dear,” he said, unimpressed.

Crowley lay there, staring upside down at Aziraphale. He didn’t respond.

Aziraphale sighed and put his book to the side. He pursed his lips, spending another moment deciding if this was the right sort of track to take. He wasn’t sure, but he also simply couldn’t keep going forwards in the pointless, meandering, tense manner. “I have a feeling that you want more of me than you have requested. I would like you to ask me for what you want.”

Crowley rolled over, his body briefly giving him a few extra vertebrae to complete the movement. The poor demon was panicked, he had been living in a state of near terror for the last month as Aziraphale had begun pushing the non-communicated boundaries of their unspoken New Arrangement (the main difference to the Old Arrangement seemed to be that if Crowley didn’t come by the shop for a day, Aziraphale would call him and inquire as to why) into more and more intimate territory. He’d taken Crowley’s arm last week as they’d walked through what was left of St James’ Park and Crowley was still sorting through whether that had been meant as an overture to something more , or if he was just assisting a friend.

Crowley had enjoyed it, of course, he was in love after all. But he didn’t really want it. Well, he did, he wanted it a whole lot, but not to the point of being willing to risk what he had now. Things were good for the demon, he saw his angel every day, he spoke freely (mostly) and laughed more. Aziraphale came to him first often enough to make him feel special and wanted. So what if he’d cried at a sunset the other day, that was the sort of thing one simply does sometimes.

He spoke slowly, somewhat resenting the request for an honest response. He could blow most things off with a joke, but this allowed for no casual falseness. “What if it's more than you want to give? I'm happy with this much,” Crowley said.

Aziraphale smiled tightly, still unimpressed. “I have more to give than I have given thus far, Crowley. And besides, the worst I can say is no. On the back of that, is there anything you'd like to get up to tonight?”

“Nah.”

Aziraphale swallowed his disappointment bitterly. “Very well.” He opened his book up again, returning unerringly to the precise word he’d left off at. “Let me know if anything occurs to you.”

The book shop had gotten bigger since the apocalypse, but the empty space within had shrunk. Aziraphale, after a few years of Crowley insisting he could, had relaxed and begun expanding his collection into more outrageous areas. There was an entire shelf of dedicated pornography that Crowley had teased the angel over for about thirteen seconds before Aziraphale had met his gaze unflinchingly and invited him to read a few of the novels. Crowley had not yet picked one up.

There was a collection of paleontological books, all very seriously written, which Aziraphale found simply hilarious. Companion books for musicals sat on a bottom shelf, poking out in such a way as to trip unsuspecting customers, although these musicals ran more to the tune of Rent and Hair than they did The Sound of Music . There were even instruments (some recognisable to modern eyes, some forgotten to all but time and the two present) leaning against a few walls that Aziraphale had taken to practicing despite not being very good at it yet. All in all the shop reflected a more honest picture of the angel that ran it.

Crowley didn’t pick his phone back up, instead he lay on the now very uncomfortable couch on his stomach, staring at the edge of the coffee table seriously as he considered what he could ask Aziraphale for that the angel might give him. He wanted Crowley to push a boundary, clearly. They had moved rather slowly since the apocalypse, barely changing a thing as their very well built fears trickled away. Crowley’s had been replaced by a consuming fear of rejection (which hadn’t been far off consuming before the apocalypse, but had certainly grown since), and to his eyes Aziraphale had simply stopped living in fear. He was wrong, of course, Aziraphale was afraid of his own cowardice, which was its own kind of spiralling disaster, but Crowley didn’t know any of that.

Crowley wanted to ask Aziraphale to shift their dynamic into what humans would label as a romance. Being immortal beings crafted by God, the dynamic of such a romance would hardly be human in nature, but the agreement could start there. Of course, Crowley had no idea if Aziraphale wanted anything in that vein. The pornography books flitted through his mind as a possible answer to that, but he decided they weren’t complete enough an explanation to rely on.

The worst he could do is say no, Crowley mused. That was true. And Crowley was unlikely to ask for something that would be so totally and utterly reprehensible that Aziraphale would depart. He may just refuse, shower Crowley in a moment of disdain, and go back to quietly reading a book and thinking about desserts.

Unfortunately for Aziraphale, Crowley rather liked hope, even of the false variety, and didn’t want it dashed. So Aziraphale’s wishes weren’t met exactly, but they weren’t totally let down. Crowley refused to ask for much, but he did, at long last, ask for something just slightly left of their centre.

“Can I come sit with you?” Crowley asked.

Read the rest on ao3

Things to expect in this fic, altho do read the tags on ao3 if youre not sure: mututal pining. somewhat omnipotent pov (not god). first kiss and talking of that nature. some sexy times, but not a full fuck, still enough to rate exlicit imo. nose diving right into their approximation of a human relationship. asexual aziraphale, demisexual crowley 

[pass-the-bechdel]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine season five full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

68.18% (fifteen of twenty-two).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

30.03%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Two (episode seventeen ‘DFW’ (42.85%), and episode twenty-one ‘White Whale’ (42.85%)).

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

One (episode nine ‘99′ (15.38%)).

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Thirty-two. Four who appeared in more than one episode, three who appeared in at least half the episodes, and ZERO who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Sixty-four. Thirteen who appeared in more than one episode, six who appeared in at least half the episodes, and three who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Fairly standard expectations for this show, that is: above-average compared to most tv. That said, their biggest progressive move of the season came off more prescribed than genuine to me, and sometimes I felt like they were including little remarks and things just to half-ass being ‘on brand’ rather than because they actually believe in it. This season often lacked the heart to make its social commentary really land (average rating of 3.04).

General Season Quality:

They had a whole bunch of good episodes around the middle of the season, but they started and ended weak, and a lot of the story and characterisation is starting to meander and go stale. They lifted their game in season four, but this feels like a return to the dissatisfaction that was rife in season three. 

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Well, this is the worst they’ve done on the male:female ratio, decisively. It’s not the worst they’ve done on the Bechdel, but it is worse than what it has been in recent seasons. And while the positive content score is above average, outside of the single episode which raised that score they really did a lot less to impress than what I would consider this show’s standard (and even that one episode, I maintain, could have been much better). Setting aside the critical aspect of what I do here to speak on a pure entertainment level, this season seriously lacked one of the best qualities of the show in previous seasons, which was the basic guarantee of a good time; some episodes will always be better than others, but if nothing else, you used to be able to rely on that good time. There were no episodes this season that were just utter garbage, no, but if I were a casual viewer, then the majority of this season would probably fail to hold my attention or convince me to tune in next week, and that’s not what you want. As ever, when the show is good it is really, really good, but when it is bad it is DEEPLY mediocre, feeling phoned-in or, sometimes, like it was written by someone who does not understand the appeal of this show in the first place. To touch on some various aspects of all of the above, lets talk about character arcs.

Now, I am not one of those people who believes that every character has to have a definable ‘arc’. They really don’t. What they DO need is to feel like they’re part of the story for a reason, and giving them their own task or journey which traditionally lays out in an arc format tends to be the go-to method for achieving that. It is easily possible to have a character without a personal arc still fit into the story and feel necessary and wanted: my case in point for this season of B99 is Terry. Terry was seriously underused, and that’s a shame because he’s great, and yes, giving him some kind of arc to bring him to the fore a few times across the season would almost definitely have been a good move...but. The fact that he had no arc to speak of did not render his character obsolete, and he worked and played really well as a character whose stability can be an anchoring quality for the show sometimes: Terry is still a reliable good time, even if the writing is sliding in other places. Vitally, there is a confidence about the way that Terry is presented which allows his character to function fully regardless of the attention level; I would have LIKED more Terry, but his character is firmly established as a constant such that he can occupy a regular space without seeming superfluous. On the flip side of that, we have...Gina.

I’ve never ‘got’ Gina in that fan-favourite way that has worked for so many people, and her selfishness and her constant put-downs have often made her the antithesis of the feel-good mentality that - to me - has defined what makes this show worthwhile when it is at its best. But, setting aside my personal opinion of Gina as a character, this season failed utterly to achieve the very thing they used as the driving purpose of her return to the show at mid-season: to prove that she is ‘needed’. Real-life maternity leave is necessary and I would never advocate for axing a character just because the actor needs the time off, so I’m not suggesting they should have just ditched her and moved on despite Chelsea Peretti’s evident desire to return to the show, but what they NEEDED to do was to...give Gina literally anything meaningful to do once she returned, in order to re-establish her as someone with a reason to be around. They didn’t. Even the one subplot where Gina admits to Terry that she’s having a hard time balancing being a working mother lacked the impact to drive home a real-life struggle, and that’s pretty dire; Gina never felt right, when she was around at all, and it made the decision to bring her back on board after the show had got on just fine without her for half a season feel like one long false note. How hard would it have been to turn that weakly-delivered subplot into a proper mini-arc as Gina settled back in to work? How hard would it have been to make it clear that becoming a mother has changed Gina in a fashion which plays out in the long-term instead of just being a few remarks she made in a single episode? These are trick questions, of course. It’s not hard. It requires a bare minimum of effort which usually doesn’t even register AS effort, it’s just the writer asking themselves the question ‘What is going on with this character right now?’ and then answering it in their script. That’s just how basic character consistency works, really. And yet, they fumbled it.

In other dissatisfying news, we have the ‘Sad Excuse For An Arc’, featuring Charles Boyle. I really wish that I never had to talk about Charles again because I really hate him, for reasons elucidated constantly across my posts for this entire series which ultimately boil (heh) down to him being an emotionally manipulative nightmare of a person with possessive overtones who regularly disrespects and disrupts the lives around him without ever taking proper responsibility for his actions or recognising and working on his desperate need for self-improvement, and who somehow continues to be packaged by the narrative as just ‘ha-ha well-meaning but awkward’ while other characters pander to his manipulations and weather the many and sundry inconveniences he introduces to their lives without complaint. I still haven’t forgotten that he was an A-grade creep to Rosa in the first season and the show just kinda glossed over it and never mentioned it again, because damn, maybe if they had owned their mistake and had Charles actively tackle his flaws back then, they might have inadvertently written the character with literally any kind of development over the course of five freakin’ seasons. Because as-is, he has not changed at all since the show started (even adopting a child hasn’t changed him, it just gives him something to reference every now and then - what is it with this show and failing to incorporate major home-life changes (LITERAL! CHILDREN!!) into the character’s daily lives?), and this is how we end up with an ‘arc’ like that crap with Charles and the food truck. It goes like this: Charles buys food truck. Charles is a megalomaniac asshole chef in the food truck (significant food wastage ensues). Charles’ food truck gets destroyed. Three episodes across the season, one two three, and only the last one is the A plot of the episode instead of a minor subplot. And this? This is Charles’ personal story for the entire season. Unfortunately, he’s around constantly in the rest of the season as well and it feels like there were nowhere near enough episodes which offered a reprieve from his noxious personality, so he doesn’t suffer from Gina syndrome in the sense of seeming pointless, but that kinda...proves my point about arcs. The one Charles has here is a joke, and not the funny kind. He was used excessively throughout the rest of the season without the assistance of an ‘arc’ to legitimise his presence, he didn’t NEED one to function in the season, but the Sad Excuse For An Arc that he DID have only highlighted the wider problem of the character over the whole series thus far, which is that he has NEVER had an arc which brought about meaningful development or change.

And then there was Rosa. There was actually a sneakier amount of character fodder for Rosa this season than what may seem immediately obvious: the dominant development was her bisexuality, but there were also other pieces to pick up with her reconnecting with her family after her stint in prison, and also some welcome focus on her career in the latter end of the season (notably ‘Show Me Going’ and ‘White Whale’), which did a solid job of re-anchoring the character professionally after a season disproportionately interested in her romantic life. I feel very cynical, complaining about the bisexuality storyline, and I’d like to reiterate that I am genuinely glad to have this openly-declared positive representation for a frequently ill-treated branch of the big queer tree. I stand in unequivocal solidarity with my bisexual brethren. THAT SAID. I also sincerely dislike the way this show went about including bisexuality as a part of Rosa’s character, and it’s because of the ‘arc’ element: specifically, that the ‘arc’ is literally just about her being attracted to women. Rosa’s ‘coming out’ is not the arc - there is just the one Very Special episode about that specifically - and I’m ok with that because it’s rare to have a character whose queer sexuality is revealed comparatively late in a story without it being a revelation for the character themselves and not just the people around them. My problem is that - once the bisexual cat is out of the bag - the way the show packages the arc is just to double down, triple down on reminding the audience that Rosa is into women, is dating women, is being set up with women, is being wowed by hot women she sees...and there is no further mention of her interest in men. After four seasons of her only ever being depicted in relationships with men or having active interest in men, the narrative packages her coming out as bisexual in the same way as shows typically package a character realising that they’re gay: by giving them conspicuous subplots that revolve specifically around same-gender attraction. And that comes across to me as a brownie-points grab, as performative queer content designed to get attention, rather than the kind of inclusive representation I have celebrated this show for in the past re: Holt. It feels like the writers aren’t comfortable with the reality of Rosa’s bisexuality, that they’re subscribing to the idea that if she’s shown to be still interested in men that she’ll become magically not-queer and they’ll lose their brownie points, and so they’re throwing women at her in the kinds of meaningless subplots that they never assigned to the character before she came out. As a rule, if you treat a character differently for being queer than you would if they were straight, that’s bad representation. The way that Rosa’s life is presented to us should not spontaneously change just because we know she also likes women, especially because this is the status quo for her; the ‘arc’ here is about the expectation of an audience reaction, and not actually about the character at all. 

The good news? Jake, Amy, and Holt all have successful, meaningful arcs this season, with Jake and Amy’s journey from engagement to marriage, and Holt’s gambit for his dream job as commissioner. While both arcs came to lacklustre closes in the predictable season finale, through the course of the season they supplied various A and B plots, never slipping entirely from the audience’s memory or causing glitches in the sense of character or narrative continuity, but also never dominating the show in a manner that became distracting or tedious. Both plots were told as stories, with ups and downs and complications large or small, like proper arcs instead of perfunctory beginning-middle-end or ‘three times makes it a pattern’ ideas (which is more than I can say for the Seamus Murphy misfire which made a Sad Excuse For An Arc for the first half of the season at large - it may have ended on a high note, but it failed to generate any tension as a long-term plot or deliver on its initial promises from the ultimately-weak time-wasting two-part premiere). Honestly, as a whole this season felt like they were winging it on the bulk of the story, with the Peralta-Santiago wedding and the fate of Holt’s career the only things that were planned for the finale from the outset and everything else just fabricated as they went along, and the looseness of the entire rest of the season is the messy disappointing result of the ‘we’ll figure it out when we get there’ ethos. Last season had me so hopeful for the show getting back on track, getting back to its roots and remembering what made it work with quality story for the characters, a solid narrative backbone, and a social compass at the forefront. After the vague characterisation of this season, the shapeless meandering of so much filler plot, and commentary that was ham-fisted and anvilicious when it was there at all...It’s not like this was bad. It wasn’t bad. It was just so much less than what I expected or hoped to see.

[thegeekcurmudgeon]

From the trenches: Other Worlds 2019

Art by Lauren Kitching

As always, Austin’s own Other Worlds delivered a fantastic collection of top notch films. Of the 20 or so selections for this years festival, I managed to see 10 of them plus the live recording of the podcast Science Vs Fiction.

Here’s my quick recap.

Thursday

Dreamscape (35TH ANNIVERSARY SCREENING) LAUNCH FILM

The flawed, pioneering film, a staple of late 80s/early 90s cable, has aged well despite some terrible acting by pretty much everyone not named Sydow or Plummer.

Friday

Afterlife

The powerful, intelligent Dutch film Afterlife ponders the choices we make and the very perceptions of what we know to be true, while confirming that parents often make the most unreliable narrators of all. Sanaa Giwa delivers a virtuoso performance as the tortured Sam.

Afterlife also presages a common thread throughout the festival: the usage of time travel tropes.

Time After Time (40TH ANNIVER. SCREENING)

Another staple of 80s cable, Time After Time details the first ever fictional meeting of H. G. Wells and Jack the Ripper. The tense, intelligent film, deservedly so, is often lauded as on the true classics of time travel cinema. Malcom McDowell in one of his few heroic roles, David Warner at his creepiest best, and Mary Steenburgen in only her second screen appearance, ground the film with their excellent performances. Perhaps the only flaw lies in neophyte Nicholas Meyer’s direction, which at times feels like TV movie-of-the-week. Thankfully, his near perfect script overcomes any of the firs time director’s shortcomings.

The film was screened to honor Meyer, who was in attendance, with the Defender of the Universe Award. In the q&a following the film, Meyer revealed that Jenz-Luc Goddard’s legendary Alphaville served as an inspiration and scenes that were cut from the original screenplay showed up in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

Lake Michigan Monster

A big disappointment, the ludicrous Lake Michigan Monster has some genuinely funny moments but as is often the problem with movies of this ilk, it goes on too long and the jokes get tiresome.

I actually walked out on this one, which I very rarely do.

Saturday

I Am Human

I Am Human has everything an excellent documentary should: a fascinating subject shown in an intelligent and respectable manner. Directors Taryn Southern and Elena Gaby share the origins of the world’s first “cyborgs.” We become immersed within three people whose lives have been irrevocably altered by brain implants. The hopeful movie serves as a nice contrast to our increasingly bleak dyspotic reality.

LIVE FROM OTHER WORLDS FILM FEST – IT’S “SCIENCE VS FICTION”

The live taping of the Science Vs Fiction podcast featured Time After Time and a discussion on time travel tropes. Film critic Scott Weinberg and Steven DeGennaro, a doctor of astrophysics, entertained and informed with film and physics tidbits. Both men enjoyed the movie but had some serious questions about the time travel elements. The interaction with the audience primarily dealt with naming time travel movies and various opinions.

Dead Dicks

One of the best films of the festival, Dead Dicks is a creative, top notch sci-horror hybrid filled with existential dread, humor, and a fascinating brother-sister dynamic. This superior Cronebergesque film offers an excellent meditation on depression. Highly recommended!

The Ascent

Any positive thoughts of the Saturday festival garnered by the first two films were quickly squashed by the terrible The Ascent. This soulless film breaks one of the central tenants of action filmmaking, it is dull. Littered with stereotypes and predictability, the action scenes all have the feel of a poorly executed video game, with excessive use of first person viewpoints and lack of clarity as to what exactly is going on. The ascent of the title itself delivers little originality either. Those you expect to die, do and those who you don’t, survive. The core “war is hell” message is clumsily and amateurishly delivered. Many, many films have delivered similar storylines with far superior results. Easily the worst film of the festival.

Volition

Thankfully, the next flick was vastly superior. Initially a noir about a man afflicted with clairvoyance, Volition morphs into a bug nutty time travel thriller. While things get away from director and co-screenwriter Tony Dean Smith, the viewer won’t care as the picture delivers the goods with some excellent and creative scenes. The flaws will largely go unnoticed until the final credits roll. A great way to end my Saturday.

Sunday

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

One of the most underrated of all Trek films delivered again. Preceded and followed by a lengthy discussion with Nicholas Meyer.

After the film, Meyer’s signed copies of his new Sherlock Holmes book The Adventure of The Peculiar Protocols.

After We Leave

Another disappointment, the meandering and seemingly pointless After We Leave joined The Ascent as one of the worst films of the weekend. The predictable movie was unmemorable.

As I was very tired, I almost decided to call it quits following After We Leave, but very glad I decided to return for a last film.

The Final Land

The German filmmaker Marcel Barion, in his first film, crafts an outstanding story, full of wonder and paranoia. Taking place primarily within the confines of a tiny old spaceship, conflicts erupt as two disparate men struggle to find a new home. The Final Land is a brilliant atmospheric film that incorporates the best of elements of science fiction, both hard and soft. Barion achieves magnificent, mindblowing vistas from outside the ship using only traditional effects. With nary a dull moment and an ideal science fiction ending, The Final Land comes highly recommended!

That’s wrap on another excellent Other Worlds festival.

Only about 350 days until the next one. Can’t wait!

From the trenches: Other Worlds 2019 was originally published on The Geek Curmudgeon

[jacopseed-blog]

5 Crucial Steps To Make Your Divorce Less Painful

 Separation. This was not a word at the forefront of your thoughts the day you stated, "I do." But here you are. Your "I do" has transformed into "I don't." Whether you saw this coming or are reeling from a sideways blow, you are going to settle on a progression of choices. Almost certainly, none of them appear to have any great choices. However, basically every choice could have noteworthy budgetary, legitimate and social effect for you, your prospective ex-companion and any youngsters included paying little mind to age. Many will have progressively outstretching influences for more distant family, network and groups of friends also.

 What is the most ideal approach to explore this potential mine-field with minimal measure of inadvertent blow-back? How would you secure yourself? What's more, what would be the best next step?

 This guide will manage you through the rough street ahead:

 1. Recognize What You Want, What You Really, Really Want – This announcement sounds straightforward, yet the vast majority meander through their separation resolved to get what's reasonable without insightful assessment of what they need, what they don't need and what they require. DivorceGo

 Attempt this activity to pick up lucidity on what you super need. Draw three cans at the highest point of a page and name them "require," "need" and "let it go" individually. At that point start posting things beneath each basin. Be mercilessly legitimate with yourself about what you truly need and need. This will likewise be a convenient visual to enable you to remain on course while consulting with your prospective ex-life partner.

 It's additionally critical to think about what your life partner truly needs and why. The more you and your lawyer comprehend what spurs your companion, the better situated you will be to choose what to request, what to battle for and what you can live without.

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 2. Comprehend It's Business Now – When you wedded your life partner, you went into a legitimate contract. Of course, there were sentiments and roses and rings included; in addition, you marked a coupling contract that day. Presently you are going into a claim to end that agreement.

 You presumably never thought of it that way, yet the truth of the matter is that separate is a legitimate continuing. It's in excess of a court case; it's a claim against an individual you once adored possibly still do. It's imperative to explore the business parts of the situation when your feelings are under wraps. While it's likewise basic to recognize and process your feelings with the fitting individuals, you should recollect this is the lawful partitioning of your conjugal resources and obligations, administered by state laws.

 Separation laws contrast from state to state and, in some cases, are even executed diversely by different region judges. That is the reason it is basic you comprehend and ensure your rights. Know about the law and realize what a court may do. At that point center around making settlement arrangements in the manner in which that will get you your best separation needs with as much effortlessness and nobility as you can.

 3. Know Your Numbers – The initial step is to arrange your free credit report through AnnualCreditReport.com or an organization site like www.CreditKarma.com. Begin understanding where you are today by social event your government forms and fiscal summaries on all advantages you possess and obligation you owe. Start following your costs and ensure you have a financial balance and Visa in your very own name.

 Arranging as a great part of the monetary records that you approach before you talk with lawyers will spare you billable hours. Sooner or later you should make a Financial Affidavit which is required by the court. Your lawyer will enable you to finish this so it's essential to get the most precise data conceivable and report where you took the numbers from. In the event that you don't approach, don't stress - your lawyer can get it.

 4. Make Your Empowerment Team – While your loved ones consideration about you, even the most benevolent exhortation may cause disarray and pointless pressure. You will make the most troublesome and vital money related choices of your life amid a candidly disorganized time, so you require an expert group to enable you to bargain from a place of solidarity, not shortcoming.

 You will require a lawyer who has practical experience in family law. You will likewise need to choose which process you will use to get separated. There are three essential procedures: intervention, synergistic or conventional prosecution. Every ha its advantages and disadvantages and choosing an ideal choice for your family's extraordinary advantages could result in a huge reserve funds in the measure of time, cost and struggle included. Presently is additionally an opportunity to discover specialists to help manage you through the money related, impose and passionate parts of separation also. Regardless of how solid your group is, you are the CEO and it's basic you deal with the procedure just as each colleague.

 The expense of separation incorporates the measure of lawful and expert charges paid. Be that as it may, have you at any point considered the time and vitality you are putting resources into the procedure as dollars? What about the open doors you will miss? Those costs include.

 5. Keep in mind You Are Writing Your Next Chapter – While it's optimal to stay friendly amid the separation procedure, it's basic not to sign an awful arrangement under any situation. When you have gone to some understanding, your lawyer will draft a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). The MSA is a long archive itemizing every one of the parameters of your separation, and it's essential to get a second and even third arrangement of eyes to look it over before you sign.

 Remember that the archive is just in the same class as it's lawfully enforceable. There are numerous coordinations as far as re-titling resources and expelling names from obligation that you should deal with. Down to earth usage of this archive is basic.

 As troublesome as it might be, continue looking forward as opposed to in the rearview reflect. Advise yourself that the choices you make today are the establishment of your future. Make a point to support yourself and ensure trust. Be available to all potential outcomes. Concentrate on the business viewpoints while tending to the enthusiastic and mental difficulties. The finish of your marriage could conceivably be neighborly, yet you can deal with your feelings and organize so the separation and co-child rearing may be. Each progression you proactively take, just as the stumbles you stay away from, will get you closer to the future you need to make.

 What will the opening line of your next part be?

 While I had helped customers unravel complex monetary and impose issues for a considerable length of time, it was simply in the wake of experiencing my very own separation that my main goal progressed toward becoming helping individuals choose what merits consulting for in separation and what to relinquish. As pioneer of the Divorce Practice Group at... MORE

Need more separation tips? Tail me on twitter, search our site or email for a selection from The Next Chapter – A Practical Roadmap for Successfully Navigating Through, and Beyond, Divorce. For more in-depth information about Divorce Lawyer. I highly recommend this website Separation Agreement Lawyer in Toronto Ontario - Divorce Go..

[aikainkauna]

If it’s worth saying, say it clearly

Maybe I would have reblogged your post if you had actually taken the time to punctuate and to capitalise it properly, so that I could actually make out what the fuck you even meant the first time? Instead of having to go back and re-parse every single lowercased proper name (to realise it was a Field and not a field you were talking about), and having to mentally insert commas everywhere to separate the different statements and thoughts involved? Maybe I don’t like the fact that you’re demanding all this work of me as a reader, the fact that I have to de-code your every message simply because you were being lazy and/or trying to be hip?

There are reasons why capitalisation and punctuation rules exist. They’re there to make your text intelligible. And if that word’s too oppressive and difficult for you to understand, it means “understandable.”

like

ur

gettable lol

Just because we’re scatterbrained creatures, it doesn’t mean everyone’s textual output has to be like that. Written language and spoken/thought language are vastly different, and wonderfully so because text allows you to be far more coherent than your thoughts or spoken words might ever be. Few people are eloquent speakers, but it’s *much* easier to get your point across in textual form, because it allows you time to think and to compose what you’re saying. But when you’re just throwing yourself to the mercies of scatterbrained, panicked, insecure and immature text-messagey typing, that’s how you come across: young and dumb and insecure, and at worst, really relishing that and wallowing in that.

It’s crazy how people don’t realise just how much you can tell about someone on the basis of their typing. For a generation that’s so obsessed with identifying as anything except girls and going on so much about how to combat anxiety and how to be strong, Tumblr sure types like a bunch of giggling, nervous, scatterbrained, anxious girls. When you could look much more confident and grown-up and sensible--and, moreover, and *feel* more confident and less anxious--if you formatted your output in a more coherent way. Every “lol” used as punctuation just casts off 20 IQ points and, at worst, signals to a sociopath that this person can be used, walked over, exploited. That they’re not secure in themselves and their opinions because they express them in this floaty, scattered, nervously laughing way.

And it’s as characteristic of female socialisation as can be, the entire Tumblr style of typing--don’t be “threatening” by using capital letters and therefore sounding like a teacher! Leave in plenty of gaps (omitted full stops, excessive paragraph breaks) so someone can interrupt you! Don’t be selfish! Always self-sacrifice, never stand up for yourself, always placate, always give in! It’s the language of giving in and of weakness, like a dog rolling over to expose its belly. “Look! I’m harmless!”, the typing style is screaming even if the message is about something serious and making a point that really *should* be listened to. But it’s formatted as something that can be easily dismissed, because, hey, it’s in a squeaky lowercase voice and said breathlessly with a nervous giggle at the end.

I’ve literally seen a woman say “i found my husband dead in the hallway LOL.” Seriously. What the fuck?!?

And conversely, the whole trend needlessly casts those of us who still give a shit about grammar and capitalisation and punctuation as some authoritarian monsters because shitty spelling is apparently “woke” (ok, if you really do want to create yet more pointless division and to turn even more sensible/moderate people into conservatives). No, it’s not “woke” to send out a garbled message. It just broadcasts a scattered confusion. To be really effective, you have to say things straight and to the point. And that’s why right-wing populists are so popular--because they formulate their statements in a way that seem to make sense, while liberals start to meander away and get stuck wanking over whatever the latest politically correct terms are, while the audience’s already turned to the Nazis because they understand “lower taxes” but don’t know what the fuck [term du jour] means. Clarity has nothing whatsoever to do with pretentiousness, but it has everything to do with getting your message across.

TL;DR You have a huge amount of power over how you come across in text. Enormous power. And with it, you can also *exercise* power. Coherent spelling and writing is empowerment; trying to sound all casual and hip and laughing is literally giving up that power for the sake of assumed friendliness. But it’s no longer friendliness or casualness when it becomes enforced like that, and just perpetuates a general culture of that rolling over. If you’re *genuinely* worried you’re going to sound stuck-up or pompous by observing proper spelling and punctuation, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask who you’re giving that confidence up for. Who are you afraid of when you put in that ‘lol’? Who are you *placating* by going along with the stream-of-consciousness style, and why are you placating them? Why do you need to do that in text, when there’s literally no need to give away the fact that you’re nervous or scatterbrained? When you can be a *better* version of yourself? And happier for it?

Who the hell are you oppressing with simple readability? No one. 

[lifeonashelf]

CHURCH, THE

I feel kind of bad for The Church. Here you have this outfit who perfected a strain of moody indie rock with lush psychedelic flourishes, except they did so a few zeitgeists too early and peaked about twenty years before the sound they were instrumental in shaping started being deemed stylish by hipster tastemakers (actually, they did it about twenty years before hipsters were even a thing, back when cassettes were fashionable the first time). If their most enduring record—1988’s Starfish—was released today, Pitchfork writers would be tripping over themselves while racing for their laptops to vigorously espouse its merits (then after everyone else caught on to how good The Church is, these same writers would inevitably turn against them and start including them in articles with titles like: “20 Crappy Bands That Hipsters Love”). The group would likely be enjoying the same level of chic esteem as squads like Interpol and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club—bands that are regarded as cool both because they actually are cool, and because people who regard themselves as cool also regard those bands as cool. It naturally follows, then, that The Church would be the third or fourth-billed name in the Saturday line-up for next year’s Coachella, after which assorted dudes with excessively-manicured facial hair would pause between gusts of mango-papaya vape to expound on how “ah-may-zing” their set was (though they would go on to insist the true highlight of the festival was Sia’s performance, which they would—also—designate as “ah-may-zing”).

The Church also arrived a bit too early to benefit from the 1990’s alternative explosion, an epoch during which they would have surely gotten along famously, probably sold at least as many records as the Gin Blossoms, and ostensibly been written in as a favorite band of the character played by Claire Danes on My So-Called Life (Angela Chase never specifically mentioned The Church on that show, but I still sincerely think she probably did like them and I’m reasonably certain “Reptile” was her go-to cut; I doubt Jordan Catalano enjoyed their stuff very much, though—Angela would have been all, like, “hey, let’s listen to this Church CD,” and he would have fluttered his eyelashes and been all, like, “nah”).

Unfortunately, even in their own era, the band’s timing was inopportune. An effective LP like Starfish had all the potential in the world to set up The Church as a benchmark of the thriving college radio circuit, which reasonably could have segued them to continued success in the decidedly guitar-friendly age to come. However, they had to settle for relegation to the middle-ground because they happened to release that record in 1988, a year during which numerous sonic purveyors who would ultimately define the impending alt-rock movement in The Church’s stead released seminal works that were so trailblazing they inevitably made Starfish’s more discreetly-admirable fare sound underwhelming by comparison. While the album boasts four stellar tunes and six solid others, I don’t think anyone could successfully argue that Starfish is anywhere near as exhilarating as Jane’s Addiction’s Nothing Shocking, Sonic Youth’s Daydream Nation, My Bloody Valentine’s Isn’t Anything, The Pixies’ Surfer Rosa, Soundgarden’s Ultramega OK, or Dinosaur Jr.’s Bug—to name just a few of the 1988-alumni discs which effectively set the tone for much of the decade following their release. Even if The Church wrote ten songs as fabulously hypnotic as “Destination”, they couldn’t have possibly competed against a roster of that caliber.

As things stand today, the group’s legacy rests in the realm of far more humble peers such as Soup Dragons and Aztec Camera—which is to say The Church is fondly remembered by dudes in their late-40’s who still wear Happy Mondays t-shirts and scour vinyl bins looking for elusive Charlatans UK singles, yet they rarely earn more than a passing mention in broader critical symposiums about the fertile ambit of 1980’s indie rock. Most people under the age of thirty-five only know The Church even existed because their song “Under the Milky Way” appeared in the most slavishly overrated cinematic offering released so far this century, Donnie Darko (granted, Donnie Darko is far from terrible—in fact, it very well may be one of the best movies ever made about a disturbed teenager who hangs out with a demonic ghost-bunny and travels back in time to masturbate in front of Drew Barrymore—but for all its meandering allegories and figurative virtuosity, the film is nowhere near as mind-bending as its Cult Classic status suggests). And here’s the kicker there: even with their best song prominently featured on a popular soundtrack during an era when popular soundtracks were still a thing—a circumstance which would seem ideal to trigger a contemporary reappraisal of The Church’s prowess—the band was outshined yet again. And this time it wasn’t a cadre of future legends who shoved them into the backseat, it was a now-forgotten singer-songwriter named Gary Jules, whose admittedly first-rate cover of “Mad World” usurped “Milky Way” as Donnie Darko: The Album’s breakout anthem and sparked a contemporary reappraisal of Tears For Fears instead. Even though Tears For Fears was objectively a better band than The Church, it still kind of sucks that Gary Jules dropped a fucking jet engine on the latter’s shining moment.

I hope The Church at least takes solace in knowing they are responsible for one of the most killer tunes ever recorded. “Under the Milky Way” remains an utterly magnificent creation, a five-minute slice of brilliance which is nigh impossible to dislike. Though only a modest hit when it was released—the single didn’t crack the Top-20 anywhere, not even in the collective’s home country of Australia—“Milky Way” nevertheless demonstrates the sort of definitive song-craft most bands could only dream they were capable of summoning. Its hooks are melodic and mesmerizing enough to immediately satisfy the ears of the most jaded pop purists, yet the multifarious arrangement is layered with supple intricacies which invite, and richly reward, a more duteous immersion (to put it in more articulate terms: the song sounds really simple, but there’s actually a whole lot of shit going on there). The brilliantly ambiguous lyrical stanzas are ripe for personal interpretation, unfurling the sort of stream-of-consciousness reverie that any listener searching for revelations can self-apply as they see fit (“Something shimmering and white leads you here, despite your destination / Under the milky way tonight”… ah-may-zing). As for me, I’ve listened to the track well over a hundred times in my life, and I still have no idea what it’s about—although I assume it’s either about fucking or dying, since just about every song ever written is inevitably about one of those two things. “Milky Way” is so entrancing, not even the presence of a densely-processed solo which sounds like braying bagpipes can shatter its dark spell (an old joke comes to mind here: Why do Scotsmen always walk while they’re playing their bagpipes? They’re trying to get away from the noise…). The sole other tune I can think of that accomplishes a similar feat is Korn’s “Shoots and Ladders”, which would still be extraordinary even with ten sets of bagpipes pealing through it, since it holds the distinction of being the only song in the history of recorded sound which inspires moshing alpha-males to savagely pummel each other while growling the words, “Knick knack paddywack, give the dog a bone, this old man came rolling home” (these lyrics naturally lead me to assume “Shoots and Ladders” is about both fucking and dying, concurrently).

I need to back up for a second here, because the more I listen to The Church, I’m starting to think their interment in the crowded mausoleum of ‘80s one-hit-wonders is probably more fitting than not (this concession sort of negates my original thesis for this piece, but fuck it). I do dig several of the tunes on Starfish a whole lot (I have yet to mention “North, South, East And West”, which supplies five more of the finest moments on the record), yet none of them are remotely as transcendent as “Under the Milky Way”. And my appreciation for the band’s dexterity, while potent in single-serving dosages, has not inspired me to seek out the rest of their surprisingly voluminous discography. Until I started writing this, I wasn’t even aware they are still active, nor that they have issued a full dozen records since Starfish (I just now checked out a couple clips from their most recent offering—2017’s Man Woman Life Death Infinity—and they were about what I expected: competent, but not remarkable). I am much fonder of The Church than I am of Soup Dragons or Aztec Camera, I would definitely select one of their shirts over a Happy Mondays tee if it came down to it, and I would be far more excited to stumble across the 12” for “Destination” in a record store bin than a whole stack of Charlatans UK singles. Nonetheless, I can’t think of any persuasive criteria under which I could possibly contend that Starfish is as essential a record as Daydream Nation (although, it is a way better record than Sonic Youth’s 2000 release NYC Ghosts & Flowers).

Ultimately, I guess all I can really say about The Church with conviction is that they made at least one really great album that I own and enjoy. Which is good enough for me, even if that rote conclusion makes all of the needlessly flowery paragraphs leading up to this one rather pointless. But I already wrote all that other shit, so I’m not going to go back and excise it now; there were a few decent jokes in there, and at my age, I can’t really afford to delete pages that I squandered several nights working on. It was a dumb premise, though—who the fuck am I to insinuate that the dudes who wrote a timeless classic like “Under the Milky Way” somehow didn’t realize their full potential? Especially when they’re still touring on the strength of that creation 30 years later, and all I’ve really managed to do in the last 30 years is get myself savagely pummeled by alpha-males at a few Korn shows while Jonathan Davis scatted nursery rhymes at me from the stage.

I suppose if I ever write about The Church in the future, I’ll give my notions a bit more thought before I type myself into a corner. For now, I think I’m just going to close this piece and allow it to simmer in its averageness. If I start tweaking these entries just because they aren’t any good, I’ll never finish a single one. And then who’s going to author middling essays about the hundreds of bands in my collection I haven’t gotten around to yet?

Like a bagpipe-wheezing Scotsman, I’ve got to keep moving. It’s time for this old man to come rolling home.

 June 28, 2018