#(K: Kindred Visage)

[youngbradford]

Xmas Message For 2019

And here we go, my 19th annual year-end love letter online …Georgi Balinov and I rang in the new year at a giant party in Bangkok, halfway around the world. That foreign location, its beauty and tastes, set the tone for my 2019, a year of seeing the world, while stabilizing my life. Though often in flux or movement, 2019 was a year many things normalized over the year.

In January, almost immediately after arriving stateside, I crossed the pond and saw Michelle Visage perform in the West End with Peter Wish. Afterward, I played with her wigs backstage and walked her towards the queer kids lining up for selfies and autographs. I am very lucky to have Peter and Michelle in my life, kindred spirits both. One reminding me that fame, fortune, ebb, and flow, but that being real is what matters most. The other, a reminder to stay forever young. I visited Berlin yet again and did the usual, working, and playing, hard.

February appeared and I traveled to Philadelphia with Sandra Hansel, Georgi, George Sapio, and Anthony DeFilippis. We toured Lisa Roberts’ house, saw a Dieter Rams exhibit, dined with George Alley. In Lambertville, that Sunday, I bought vinyl and vintage hats. Later that month, I got a swallow tattooed on my hand, a symbol of flight and travel, and Warhol’s knives, blackened into my shin. An Eames exhibit in Oakland was a sweet way to end the month.

In March with my crew, Georgi, Khadyon Reid, Luis Urribarri, Anthony, and George, descended upon Salvador for Carnival. It was insane! I watched Anitta live, and danced in a sea of pushing, fighting, kissing Brazilians for days upon days. I felt unsafe and alive, threatened and excited. It was intense. Back home I got my other hand tattooed, again honoring my love of seeing the world. I traveled to Portland, came back to NYC at the end of the month, finally moving into our apartment, the one we bought 1.5 years before, that I designed, and had renovated head to toe. Finally, we had our dream home. The weekend we moved in, the place was still not ready, but we were sick of living without our things and in other people’s beds. Peg Kendall and Georgi’s mom came, and we worked our asses off unpacking and starting to make the 2800 square foot loft on west 13th street a home. We’d lived in Airbnbs and friends’ places for 19 months and it was tiring not having a home, not having most of our things. My art! My toys! My shoes!. Those months taught me how important a home, a safe place, and the oasis of my collections is to my mental health. From March on I felt more on solid ground and dedicated more energy to my career and friendships as a result.

In April we went to Coachella, seeing Ian and Jose Seronni, JJ and Andrey Lunin, and dancing in the desert of California. Multiple trips to San Francisco, catching glimpse of old friends, scaling my team at work, as I took on more and more responsibility.

In May, George Sapio and I celebrated (me a little early) a shared, fun birthday weekend at Soho Farmhouse. Joined by Matthew Kelleher, Mark Silver, Jaime Tanner, Matt Lynch, and others, we went shooting and feasted on pheasant in the English countryside.June was really busy, insanely so. 

For my 43rd in early June, I had a 30-person dinner party in our new place! We ended up at Club Cumming after, but before friends, new, and old, showered me with a vinyl record, the admission fee I’d set for my party. Lauren Foster, who has shared her home with us, was, appropriately, our first overnight guest. London, again, Berlin, too. Then home for Pride. Willam Ralphie hosted Bingo at eBay, Zach Augustine, David Mason Chlopecki, other loves attended. That weekend danced to both Madonna and Grace Jones on the pier and danced with 15K others at Javitz, where my favorite singer, Cyndi Lauper, belted “I Drove All Night,” her best song, at midnight. I stayed until the sun came up. NYC was electric that weekend. Parties, icons, friends from the world over … the city has an energy you could literally see and taste. I caught a few moments of the parade, overtaking lower Manhattan, and I smiled really big. God, it can feel good being gay! God, the world has improved for gay people (and yes, I know, we still have ways to go, especially for more marginalized LGBTQ groups). But I still took a moment to acknowledge the things that are better, that I have seen in my very gay lifetime. NYC that weekend was the ultimate place to reflect.

July 4th I went to Hamptons, with Ricardo, Brian, Felipe L. Mollica, others, guests of Anthony. Hosted Fab.com reunion, walked the Brooklyn Bridge, and took my team to Korea (where I shared a traditional Korean meal with Jae Hah), China (where I ate bird’s nests, jellyfish, sea snails, saw a Yves Klein show with Adnan Abbasi, and danced to 90s pop in a packed gay club), and Moscow (where I was amazed at how clean the city was and where I went to a traditional sauna and was whipped, naked, with tree leaves in front of dozens of Russian dudes in the nude). While in Russia a protest erupted, literally below the rooftop bar I dined in. Russia seemed freer than I’d expected, way more Western, up until this moment. I ended the weekend at a club at 3 AM, Russian women in high, high heels, dancing on the bar, vodka flowing like water. 2020 saw me traveling to places I romanticized as a child. Russia, one such place. I thoroughly enjoyed the friendships formed in Moscow, the food, and history. I want to return.

August, I was back in San Jose and Portland for work, then off again to Europe for vacation. We started our trip in Croatia, where Georgi and I kayaked around Dbruvnik’s harbor. Croatia’s cliffs and turquoise water did not disappoint, as we boated to islands and swam in caves. Driving south into Montenegro, the architecture reminded me more of Polish, Bulgarian trips, the water, greener. At the Amman we laid out next to The Beckhams, watching David kick a soccer ball with workers of the hotel, and watching Victoria read a book. Georgi and I then ventured to Mykonos, sunning til sunset and dancing til sunrise. A weekend trip upstate with our besties (including a guest appearance by Eric Lee, riding rides at the Colombia County fair, cooking pies, and grilling meats, ended our summer.

In September I went to Berlin and did Folsom and a speaking gig in front of 1K eBay sellers. I went again to Tel Aviv, meeting gay Israeli technology workers and a bevy fo Israeli start-ups. In Jerusalem, I returned to the wonderful Machneyuda with Gilad Ayalon, where they remembered me from my birthday the year before.

October saw us hosting my mother and my niece for a visit. We fell in love with Company XVI, a dance/burlesque/performance art troupe in Brooklyn. I took my mother to see Madonna, a night I will cherish forever. And we saw Dear Evan Hanson. A weekend in Miami with Lauren Foster and K was needed warmth. I took Georgi to see both acts of The Inheritance (so good!).  Then off to Berlin, again, and Paris, where I looked at art and went shopping for fall clothes. Halloween, in NYC, was brilliant and over the top; I went as white Pierrot clown. In Brooklyn, to Honey Dijon, we danced all night. Ralph Rucci, the American couturier reposted our photo on Instagram, calling it high-fashion, however, it was Georgi who won the night as Spock.

November I was in NYC early on, shopping with Thomas Cawson (who hooked me up with pink denim Helmut Lang), eating Christmas cookies, and being interviewed by Buzzfeed, a segment on 90s toys. I imitated a Furby. Then a week in Portland (I glow-in-the-dark-miniature-golfed), and off to Helsinki, catching up with former friends from Fab, One Nordic, Hem. Then to Lapland, with Georgi, George, and Anthony, lapping up wine, winter wonderlands, and dining on reindeer and elk. Dog sledding, snowmobiling, Northen lights! Another childhood desire checked from the list. Dinner with Michelle Case in London closed the month.

In December I went back to Berlin (my second home) and hosted a fundraiser for Single Step in our home. In one night Georgi and I helped raise $50K to help build Bulgaria’s first LGBTI center. It was also an impromptu holiday party: so many old friends together again in one room. And now Georgi and I sit in an airport lounge, awaiting our flight to Baltra, in the Galapagos. Once we land, we’ll board a 7-day cruise on a mega-yacht/small cruise ship. This, I feel, I have been waiting my entire life for.

I often write about how I was lonely as a kid. I was gay, I had a drug-addicted father, I grew up very poor. I oftentimes say music saved my life. But, I don’t write enough about the joy animals gave me too. I had so many pets: newts, turtles, tortoises, tree frogs, geckos, crabs, salamanders, etc. Caring for them, feeding them, gave me peace and allowed me to love. One turtle I had had a cracked shell. He lived in my room for many, many years. I always preferred him, with his defects, to the others. I think I feel the same about people.

As a child, I became obsessed with the Galapagos Islands, and mostly the tortoises. I would read about them in encyclopedias and race to see them at zoos. I always felt connected to turtles. They were my spirit animal. Later in life, I’d bloom, my feathers growing, my pride, alive. I’d no longer consider myself a turtle, my spirit animal changed. I told this story to my colleague Eben Sermon, who runs eBay’s German business: I always wanted to be a turtle. But I ended up a cockatoo. Eben brought this up last week in Berlin and it made me think a bit more about affinities for animals and how I have not had that connection as often as I probably should.

So this week, before we ring in New Years in Rio, I will honor the old me, the kid, the quieter Bradford, the sadder Bradford, by visiting those turtles, finally.

And I’ll marvel at the wonder of nature and evolution, both the evolution of animals and this world, and also the very real and dramatic evolution of my spirit and happiness.

Happy Holidays, Peace & Big Love

[briidunviing-a]

🔥—— In search of healing - ‘The Compliance, Copulation & Consort’

    🔥——     Ever since Nidhogg’s final fall & the infamous Dragonsong War’s end things had turned...   P e a c e f u l   , needless to say. Dragons were no longer as hated as they had been before, the misunderstandings between man & dragon were settled, & peace was established. Not all of the race of man had accepted this new policy, but the hurting an another pacifist dragon had become almost   c r i m i n a l  . This all had made Brii much more comfortable being around mortal souls --- but old habits die hard, & so did the fear she had always had towards humans still   l i n g e r   . Regardless of this new-found serenity in Eorzea, Brii still felt like she had to stay   t r a n s p a r e n t   , keep her secret safe. A shape-shifting dragon was nothing but an usual thing, considered the   f o u l   doings of the void, which in fact wasn’t too far fetched...

    Coerthas Central Highlands had actually  become a new favourite residing place for the dragoness --- it had become much more understanding & safer place than it had been before... Never in her entire life did Brii think she would feel   c o m f o r t a b l e   in these freezing lands, ever again. Even though First Dicasterial Observatorium of Aetherial & Astrological Phenomena wasn’t fond of her presence --- or any outsider’s for that matter --- she was allowed to sit by the fire on the ground floor, & so she most of the did when she visited. It was always better than sitting in the cold snow, even though the cold didn’t bother her too much anyway...

     Material that used to be so hard to come by was now much more readily available --- in fact, books about dragons were quite   p o p u l a r   now. Fact or fiction, both children & adults read them --- & when someone wasn’t literate enough to read themselves, stories written on those pages would make rounds around the cities & settlements from mouths to ears. Brii found the books   e v e r y w h e r e  , no matter which library she visited, sometimes even from the streets.

     This was perfect time for her to begin researching about her own kin, & about herself alike, no one was questioning the curiosity towards dragons anymore. Even though the knowledge of this all was in her   b l o o d   , in her very   b e i n g   , she believed she had been mislead her entire life, blind & deaf like a new-born babe to almost anything else than the   r a g i n g   t u n e   of the Dragonsong. Why had this life brought Brii so much   p a i n   ? Why did it affect her so much ? Why had she done such   c r u e l   things to those that never deserved it, why had she given in to the temptation of vengeance, domination & destruction ? What exactly had taken control of her on that   f a t e f u l   day when she killed that poor woman, that woman whose body she now was the prisoner of --- the void, or the destined purpose of her bloodline, or maybe something completely else ? Perhaps the wisdom written on these books could help her find ways to understand, ways to cope --- cope with both her past, & future alike.   H e a l i n g   was needed, Brii was tired of suffering, it was long overdue she would research ways she could ease the   b u r d e n   laying heavy on her shoulders.

     A brittle book in her hands, ‘The Compliance, Copulation & Consort’ , Brii gently brushed every   d u s t y   &   f r a g i l e   page clean, as she hungered for the knowledge resting on their surface. Written by some man long gone, some of the writing was close to   u n r e a d a b l e   , eyes squinting in hopes of more   c l e a r   vision --- the uneven flicker of the flame & the poor lightning certainly wasn’t helping either... Yet, even though some pages were completely missing & words smudged over, a page after page Brii could draw a clearer picture in her mind.

     Brii had expected to find at least some answers, but not as heavy as she came across merely a moment later: ‘A dragon cannot simply shut their ears to their sire’s call; to do so would cause them great   t o r m e n t   .’ Suddenly did her stomach feel like a   b o u l d e r   was dropped into it, colour on her face   f a d i n g   . She had felt this fact   l i v i n g   inside her all her life, the burning drive to please the elder representatives of her bloodline --- Brii knew Nidhogg’s hold over his brood had been   a b s o l u t e   , she had been the victim of it herself... Although Nidhogg was not Brii’s sire directly, her ancestors & long deceased parents had been. & if nothing else... She still in the end was a distant off-spring of   M i d g a r d s o r m r   , the ancestral Father of all dragons. When Midgardsormr would call his brood for battle, no one could escape... Or could they ?

     Brii at least had tried, multiple times. So was this why she was in so much pain, all those years ? Resisting all those multiple war cries for   v e n g e a n c e  , from both Nidhogg & Midgardsormr alike ? Were they weakening her free will to remain peaceful ? Was there anything that could’ve prevented all that happened to her ? Was there anything that could’ve helped her remain   s a n e   ?

     The text was raising more questions than it gave her answers. The speed of her fingers turning the pages   q u i c k e n e d   , golden eyes desperately searching for a more in-depth knowledge & the further she proceeded, the more she felt the   p r e s s u r e   increase in her chest. Page ‘Consort’   d i s t r e s s e d   her. ‘Dragons can go into seclusion for centuries while carrying grief in their hearts. Ultimately, they are unable to bear the strain & it breaks something fundamental within them.’ By every word the book became harder & harder to bear, heart beating like it was about to   b u r s t   from her chest.

     ‘   C o n s o r t s   h e l p   i n   s a v i n g   o n e s e l f        f r o m   t h e   a b y s s   o f   i s o l a t i o n  . ’

     Hands fell against the barely clothed thighs in   d i s b e l i e f   , the covers the book grazing against the rough ornate embroidery of her dress. So...   T h i s   was the proof that was long overdue. & as the realization   f e l l   upon her, it felt as cold as the whistling wind of the blizzard outside, as if she wasn’t sitting inside at all. Even the warmth of the flame was in vain, as the dragoness   a v e r t e d   from its before so comforting embrace. She stepped out from the door way into the freezing snow & bent down on her knees, face burying iinto her palms. Never mind the damned book, now fallen into a small puddle on the ground, pages soaking with the water. If needs be, Brii would rewrite it with her own hands without a complaint... But now   i t   d i d n ’ t   m a t t e r   .

     So she had made it all   w o r s e   all along... Just when she thought she had been doing a right thing by sparing the world from her presence, it had been wrong. The more she had fought, the more she had isolated herself from the rest of her kin out of fear, the more she had invited the   h a t r e d   into her heart. She should’ve found kindred spirits within her kin siblings... She should’ve tried to desperately find someone to rely on, & not be alone. She should’ve tried to find a   c o n s o r t   . Though, there was no winning as part of the Nidhogg’s brood anyway, was there ? If she gave in, she would’ve been overwhelmed by the   r a g e   burning inside. If she resisted, she would turn unstable & mad.

     It all made sense now... Ishgardians   k i l l e d   Ratatoskr, Nidhogg’s closest sibling & supposedly his consort, & he went mad. The very blood of her murderers ran in the future Ishgardians’ veins. The city state of Ishgard was founded with the stolen strength of Ratatoskr’s eyes. Nidhogg had lost the one that had kept him grounded, & he was unable to stop the war due to grief of losing someone so fundamentally important to him. Many other dragons that wanted to resists Nidhogg’s anger had simply flown away, fled to other lands, whereas Brii was too   a f r a i d   to make such a massive decision... The grief of losing her parents so young --- in fact, as new-born --- had left Brii to stand alone,   c o n f u s e d  , unsure where she belonged, or if she belonged anywhere at all... Born in the middle of a Dragonsong War left an individual only so few of their own decisions to make, both man & dragon. The   s o f t n e s s   in her heart had been heavily contrasted with the destructive nature of the rest of Nidhogg’s kin, leaving only uncertainty & fear behind.

     & such memories made the last fragment of glee fade from Brii’s being as she wholly collapsed on to the ground, a muffled scream escaping from her. Cheeks so cold from the bitter wind of Coerthas got soon caressed by the uncontrollable flow of hot tears, & this time Brii had no intention stopping them from coming. Her heart now open to the truth & sadness, she wept --- a first step of   s e l f   h e a l i n g   .

     But, even though it hurt... Was it that bad after all ? Nidhogg was   d e a d  . Dragonsong War was   o v e r   . & Brii was   f r e e   . Did it only take a simple realization from her --- it was all done now, & she had no one controlling her ? That, in fact, it all hadn’t been her fault ? What she had done, what she had participated in. Briefly joining Midgardsormr when he called & perished, taking over Stone Vigil from the Ishgardians, eventually killing that woman whose body she now resided in. She hadn’t meant any of it, she had been controlled by some other force than her own   f r e e   w i l l   --- Nidhogg’s anger towards man, whom she in the end ended up hurting herself. What for was she blaming herself ? For being too   w e a k   ? Then the rest of the horde was as weak as her, & that made no sense.

     Darkness had fallen on Coerthas. Minutes would pass, the crying would continue, until the snow had melted under her body heat, her voice broke to a hoarse wheeze & there were no tears to spare anymore. So then, she lifted her blushed visage to the white skies, snowflakes kissing her skin as they fell. Invitation for healing was given, & Brii   a c c e p t e d   it.

     “A consort...” she thought to herself,   i n h a l i n g   deeply, eyes staring into nothing. Though the thought was scary, Brii was light of mind. All her tears were now spent, her fears fought, & maybe after this it was time to move on. & even she didn’t find a consort, she would at least find a   f r i e n d   ... “So   t h a t   is why Hraesvelgr survived...” Because of Shiva. Hraesvelgr had found his consort, a love of his life that had entwined with his own spirit, & that is why he was able to resist both Midgardsormr’s & Nidhogg’s call. That had kept him grounded & sane.

     & so it seemed, that was all it took.   R e a l i z a t i o n   . & most of all,   a c c e p t a n c e   .

     Contrasting the deep inhale that was before, Brii now   e x h a l e d   , vapor elevating from her nostrils. Rising slowly on her feet, book still staying on the ground, the heaviness that weighed on her so hard before had gone, her body as   l i g h t   as a feather. Left standing, Brii had no intention to leave any time soon... This moment was to   s t a y  ... & she realized how incredibly   p r e c i o u s   &   b e a u t i f u l   life could truly be if she were to be the master of her own fate.

     & this time, as her throat began to vibrate from a familiar hum, the tune of Dragonsong symbolized something completely else than it had before. This time, it brought   p e a c e   into her spirit instead of grief. & so it was time to move on.