#Addendum to this is that I've been using we occasionally and feel like Akumu is getting stronger in presence

[that-dreaming-dragon]

Akumu's Ponder of Existence

I had been at the front before. Once. But there wasn’t this strong sense of “I” back then. We aren’t even sure if it was me who piloted the body while Ryuu watched.

As per our discovery—or the start of our awareness of who’s actually at the front—we took notice of things that stood out and jotted them down.

In terms of preferences or tastes, we are similar, if not identical. We find this logical.

But in how we deal with things, that’s where differences appear.

Ryuu is sillier, brighter, more excitable. That is not to say they aren’t serious or have the potential to be gloomy. But in general, I’m colder, more steady, and care a little less. At the core, we are the same, but how we react is where we diverge. Our emotional responses are largely similar, if not the same. However, it’s our external expression and reaction that slightly differ. The best example is our rage: Ryuu is explosive, while I simmer. Another trait divergence we find interesting is that Ryuu appears to be more inclined towards visual art, while I lack interest in drawing and am more drawn to literary art.

That is not to say I am better with words, however.

As we continue discovering our differences, I’ve started to experience imposter syndrome—an unusual emotion we don’t typically deal with. There are moments when I ask myself if I’m a pretender trying to fit into Ryuu’s life, which is strange because I am still part of the Dream Dragon. But when interacting with people who don’t know I exist, I feel like an intruder, piloting a body that feels unfamiliar, even though I know Ryuu is still with me.

Something of note is my intense experience with what phantom body entails and how it interacts with the human shell. Our theory is that I’m unused to being at the “front,” so I am overwhelmed by the body, which causes strong dysphoria. My wings were permanently stuck at being too prominent to be comfortable nearly the whole time.

Terminology searching in this aspect has been difficult. We’ve only just started exploring our plurality. We dislike the term “personality” due to how it’s often used to devalue alters’ personhood, even if it might technically be more accurate in our case. A friend suggested using the word “facet,” which we kind of like. We’ll still have to think about it, though. We’d probably use the metaphor and visualization of a character with two faces or masks at head level. Instead of branching out from the neck like a many-headed creature, our face flips depending on which personality is at play.

We are the same being, the same person, but also not. The daemon label has been very close, but still doesn’t quite fit. Median was the closest we’ve gotten, but it’s still just a step short.

With this new perspective, I can understand a bit more of Ryuu’s hesitation to declare me “merely a part of the whole,” or the reluctance around how daemon and daemian relationships are defined within our basic understanding of the concepts.

We are One, yet there is a divide.

There are many moments of confusion: We are still the same person, aren’t we? Why does everything bother me more? I’m still “Ryuu the Dream Dragon,” but I-as-myself, am more Akumuryuu. Our character traits are divided, and one facet is more prominent when one side is dominant. It gets easier as we learn together which “I” is being used at any given moment. The clarity granted by the hint from the dream kick-started this understanding.

We know that we are opposites, balancing each other. For example, Ryuu is more idealistic, yet cynical, while I am practical, but hopeful.

We’ve considered the idea that maybe we need to be balanced—that I need to grow as an individual. Maybe I need to try and see if I’m capable of shapeshifting. Like Beast, I am stuck in one form. Beast takes after Ryuu’s giant “western” form, while I reflect the Dream Dragon’s Core Form.

But before we can see if that’s needed, we are back to being one again.

-------------------------------------------------

The switch, if it can be called that, is too subtle to notice. By the time I catch the change, Akumu is silent. I think Akumu is still part of me, but nestled deep within. I think dealing with the physical world and operating a body that’s largely unfamiliar, along with all the stressors, is too taxing. Akumu is tucked away within me, recuperating, before he can form into his own person again to operate as a separate entity within the headspace.

Apparently, Akumu has been helping me organize my thoughts in the back of my mind, because for a couple of days, I’ve felt more “soupy-brained” than usual.

*Note that I capitalize words at moments to give significance to them. In this particular instance, the One that first appeared is to signify how we are two-in-one, while the one that appeared in the last portion shows how I'm back to just Ryuu again.