#CRASH COURSE MEDICAL CODING

[medicalcodingblogs]

CRASH COURSE MEDICAL CODING.

Transorze Solutions is an ISO 9001:2015 certified company for delivering high quality “Healthcare BPO” training and placement services, totally dedicated in providing the services of Medical Transcription Training, Medical Coding Training , Medical Scribing Training, OET Training, Digital Marketing Training. Transorze is the direct training partner with NSDC which is indeed a major milestone. As on date, Transorze is the only HBPO training institute to have this privileged status. This partnership with NSDC shall even further enhance the commitment of Transorze to the younger generation.

Medical coding is a great occupation for self-motivated, hard-working people who are committed to making a difference in the health care realm. Whether you’re just beginning your career journey or are ready for a change of pace that allows for professional advancement, explore five unique benefits of this field. Medical coding could be a fit for you.

VISIT OUR WEBSITE : CRASH COURSE MEDICAL CODING

CLICK HERE :

[saeedmohammed025]

Understanding AAPC Medical Coding: A Comprehensive Guide for Aspiring Coders

In today’s fast-evolving healthcare landscape, accuracy and efficiency are paramount. One of the key backbones of the healthcare revenue cycle is medical coding—the process of translating patient information into standardised codes for documentation and billing purposes. Among the various organisations setting the standards in this field, the AAPC (American Academy of Professional Coders) plays a prominent role. This blog aims to shed light on AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut, offering aspiring coders a detailed overview of what it is, why it's important, and how it can shape your future career.

What is AAPC Medical Coding?

AAPC Medical Coding is a specialised form of medical coding certification and training that adheres to the standards set by the American Academy of Professional Coders. It involves assigning specific alphanumeric codes to diagnoses, procedures, and medical services. These codes are essential for healthcare documentation, insurance claims, and legal compliance.

AAPC certification is globally recognised, ensuring that coders have the required knowledge of CPT (Current Procedural Terminology), ICD-10-CM (International Classification of Diseases), and HCPCS Level II coding systems. A professional with AAPC certification is often regarded as proficient, accurate, and compliant with the best industry practices.

Why Choose AAPC Medical Coding?

There are several compelling reasons to consider AAPC medical coding as a career path:

Industry Recognition AAPC-certified coders are highly regarded in the healthcare industry, not only in India but around the world.

Career Advancement Professionals with AAPC certification have greater access to well-paying job roles such as medical coder, auditor, documentation specialist, and billing analyst.

Remote Work Opportunities As a certified coder, you can access flexible working options, including remote or freelance roles.

Global Demand With an increasing focus on digital health records and healthcare compliance, the global demand for certified coders continues to rise.

Growing Demand for AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut

Calicut, a city known for its educational excellence and growing IT sector, is fast becoming a hub for healthcare and allied health services. The rise in hospitals, diagnostic centres, and healthcare startups has naturally led to a spike in demand for professional coders. As a result, AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut has emerged as a promising career choice for science and commerce graduates.

Students and professionals in Calicut are increasingly seeking certifications in AAPC Medical Coding due to the city's supportive learning environment, access to training resources, and availability of internships and job opportunities within the region.

Who Can Enrol in AAPC Medical Coding Courses?

You don't need a medical degree to become a certified coder. Ideal candidates include:

Graduates from life sciences, pharmacy, or nursing

Commerce and arts graduates with an eye for detail

Healthcare professionals looking to switch to administrative roles

Individuals seeking remote or flexible careers in the healthcare sector

A basic understanding of human anatomy and medical terminology is beneficial, but can be acquired through preparatory courses.

What You Will Learn in an AAPC Medical Coding Course

An AAPC Medical Coding course typically covers:

Medical Terminology: Understand the language of healthcare professionals.

Anatomy and Physiology: Basic human biology is necessary for accurate coding.

ICD-10-CM Coding: Codes for diagnoses and health conditions.

CPT Coding: Procedure codes used for medical services.

HCPCS Level II: Additional coding for products, services, and supplies.

Compliance and Ethics: Learn the legal responsibilities associated with coding.

In Calicut, the courses are tailored to match both national and international job market requirements, often supplemented with practical training sessions.

Job Opportunities After AAPC Certification

Once you complete your AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut, a wide array of career opportunities becomes available, including:

Medical Coder Tasked with examining patient records and allocating codes.

Medical Billing Specialist Handles the submission of coded information to insurance companies.

Coding Auditor Ensures accuracy and compliance with coding standards.

Health Information Technician Manages digital records and helps ensure healthcare data integrity.

With experience and additional certifications, professionals can also move into management and training roles.

Salary Expectations

In Calicut and other parts of India, entry-level AAPC-certified coders can expect starting salaries ranging from ₹15,000 to ₹25,000 per month. With experience and specialisation, this can significantly increase, particularly for those pursuing remote international roles. The potential for financial growth makes AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut an attractive long-term career option.

Tips for Aspiring Medical Coders in Calicut

Choose the Right Training Program Look for programs that align with AAPC standards and offer practical training modules.

Invest Time in Practice Coding requires a keen eye for detail. Practice regularly to improve accuracy.

Stay Updated Medical coding standards change frequently. Regularly update yourself with new codes and healthcare regulations.

Network with Professionals Join local or online communities of coders to exchange knowledge and job leads.

Conclusion

The field of AAPC Medical Coding in Calicut holds significant promise for individuals seeking a stable, rewarding, and globally relevant career in healthcare administration. With the right training, dedication, and certification, you can position yourself as a valuable asset in the medical coding profession.

Whether you're a fresh graduate or a working professional looking for a career change, now is the perfect time to explore opportunities in medical coding. Calicut's emerging role as a centre for healthcare education and services only strengthens your prospects for growth and success in this dynamic field.

[medicalcodingwayanadblog]

WHICH INSTITUTE IS BEST FOR MEDICAL CODING CRASH COURSE?

MEDICAL CODING CRASH COURSE IN WAYANAD.

Transorze Solutions, a leading training institute in Wayanad, has recently launched a crash course in Medical Coding. This course aims to bridge the gap between the demand and supply of skilled medical coders in the healthcare industry. With the growing need for accurate and efficient coding, this course is designed to provide students with the necessary skills and knowledge to excel in this field.

Medical coding is the process of converting medical procedures, diagnoses, and treatments into universally recognized alphanumeric codes. These codes are used for billing purposes, insurance claims, and for maintaining patient records. In today's healthcare industry, medical coding has become an essential function as it ensures accurate and timely reimbursement for healthcare services.

The course at Transorze Solutions is tailored to meet the industry's requirements and is suitable for both beginners and experienced professionals. The curriculum is designed by industry experts and covers all aspects of medical coding, including anatomy, medical terminology, ICD-10-CM, CPT, and HCPCS coding systems. Students will also learn about the legal and ethical aspects of medical coding, along with practical exercises to enhance their coding skills.

One of the key features of this course is the hands-on training provided by experienced trainers. Students will have access to advanced coding software and tools, allowing them to gain practical experience in coding real-life medical cases. This practical approach helps students to understand the complexities of medical coding and prepares them for the challenges of the job.

Transorze Solutions also offers placement assistance to students upon completion of the course. The institute has tie-ups with leading hospitals and healthcare organizations, providing students with ample job opportunities. The course also includes interview preparation and resume building sessions, ensuring that students are well-equipped to enter the job market.

The duration of the course is three months, with classes held on weekdays and weekends. This flexibility in the class schedule makes it convenient for students and working professionals to pursue this course. The institute also offers online classes for those who cannot attend regular classroom sessions.

Apart from the technical skills, the course also focuses on developing soft skills such as communication, teamwork, and time management. These skills are crucial in the healthcare industry, where effective communication and collaboration are essential for providing quality patient care

The Medical Coding crash course at Transorze Solutions in Wayanad is an excellent opportunity for individuals looking to build a career in the healthcare industry. With a comprehensive curriculum, practical training, and placement assistance, this course provides students with the necessary skills and knowledge to succeed in this field. Enroll now and take the first step towards a promising career in medical coding.

CLICK HERE : 

https://transorze.com/blog/medical-coding-crash-course-in-wayanad/

[lydia-transorze]

Get Certified: Learn Australian Medical Coding

Australian Medical Coding is a vital component of the healthcare system, ensuring accurate and efficient data collection and analysis. By assigning specific codes to diagnoses, procedures, and services, Medical coders play a crucial role in shaping healthcare policy, research, and resource allocation.

At present Australian Medical Coding is more important than ever, providing a standardized language for healthcare professionals to communicate effectively.

Join Transorze Solutions to get certified in this field. We offer professional development opportunities to help you gain the skills and knowledge you need to succeed.

[pucksandpower]

Crash Course in Love

Lando Norris x Carlos Sainz’s best friend!Reader

Summary: in which Carlos forgets to tell his two best friends they’ll be staying in his villa together, and now a stressed out lawyer has to survive living with a human golden retriever, but you know what they say … opposites attract

You’ve been in Marbella for four days and already gone through three bottles of wine and two existential crises.

Carlos’ villa is too quiet for someone used to white noise: emails pinging, heels clacking, cortisol. The silence in this place isn’t peaceful — it’s accusatory. You’ve spent more time staring at the sea than you have your own reflection in the last ten years, which is saying something.

It feels indulgent. Like if someone walks in, they’ll accuse you of being lazy. You’d have to explain the insomnia, the migraines, the crying in bathroom stalls between depositions.

But Carlos isn’t here to judge. He’s off somewhere filming shampoo commercials in Paris or golfing in socks with his dad. He just texted you the gate code and told you to “relax, coño.” So here you are, inhaling almond-scented air and avoiding your inbox.

You’re halfway through a rerun of The Holiday when the doorbell rings.

You don’t move.

It rings again. Louder.

“Delivery?” You mutter to no one. You didn’t order anything.

You shuffle to the door in socks and an old hoodie of Carlos’ that you’ve unofficially adopted. You crack the door open and freeze.

Lando Norris is standing there. With a suitcase. And a sunburn.

“Hey,” he says, blinking like he’s not entirely sure this is the right house. “You’re not Carlos.”

“You’re … not a delivery guy.”

“Definitely not. Unless you ordered someone with mediocre Spanish and no plan.”

You blink. He grins.

“Sorry, I’m Lando. Uh. Carlos said I could crash in the guest room. Hotel bailed on my reservation. Long story. But he didn’t mention you’d be here.”

“He didn’t mention you’d be here either.”

“Cool. So we’re both surprised. That’s … fun?”

You stare at him. He looks like he just rolled off a yacht he wasn’t invited on. Sleeveless shirt, board shorts, and the confidence of someone who’s never had to Google “how to flirt.”

You open the door all the way. “Come in, I guess.”

He wheels his suitcase past you. It makes an annoying thunk over the threshold. You follow him into the hallway, watching as he does a slow 360 like he’s never seen furniture before.

“Whoa. This place is insane. Does Carlos actually live like this, or is he secretly royalty?”

“Just rich.”

“Same difference.”

You cross your arms. “You want something to drink?”

“God, yes. I’m parched. Is that still a word people use? Parched?”

You turn toward the kitchen. “Not since 1912.”

Behind you, you hear him mutter, “Alright. Tough crowd.”

He follows you to the kitchen like a golden retriever. Doesn’t ask where things are — just opens cabinets and drawers like it’s his Airbnb.

“I got this,” he says, pulling out two glasses. “I’m a fantastic guest. Top tier. Five stars on all platforms.”

You raise an eyebrow. “You have reviews?”

“No, but if I did? Flawless.”

He pours two drinks. One is wine. The other is apple juice. He hands you the wine. “Cheers.”

You eye the juice. “Is that … what you’re drinking?”

“I burnt a little on the flight. Gotta rehydrate.”

He’s completely serious. Like drinking juice is a medical emergency. You stifle a laugh.

“You okay?” He asks, suddenly earnest. “You look like you’re tired. But not like, normal tired. Lawyer tired.”

You blink at him. “Lawyer tired?”

“Yeah. Like … your eyeballs are sleepy but your soul’s still trying to finish a brief.”

You stare.

“I mean that in a good way. Like, impressive. Respectfully.”

“Wow.”

“I should stop talking.”

“Yeah, probably.”

***

Dinner is his idea. You offer to order something in. He insists on cooking. “I make a mean carbonara,” he says. “Or maybe risotto. Wait, do you eat dairy?”

You nod.

“Okay, sick. Chef Lando it is.”

You spend the next hour watching him destroy Carlos’ kitchen with the chaotic enthusiasm of a man who’s only cooked two times in his life and once lit a tea towel on fire.

He tells stories while he cooks, most of them involving near-death experiences, bad tattoos, and a rental car that somehow ended up in a lake.

You lean on the counter, sipping your wine. “Do you ever filter?”

“Rarely. But I can if you want. I can be quiet. Mysterious. Brooding.”

“You?”

He makes a face. “Okay, rude.”

“You burn your hand yet?”

“Twice,” he says cheerfully. “But I’m hiding it to preserve my ego.”

He fumbles with the tongs. Pasta flies out of the pan and onto the floor. He shrugs. “Five-second rule?”

You deadpan. “I’m not that desperate yet.”

He laughs. You notice he has a nice laugh. Not performative. Just … happy.

Dinner is terrible. Somehow both overcooked and cold. You take one bite and try not to gag.

“So?” He asks, eyes wide with hope.

“It’s … ambitious.”

He winces. “I’ll order pizza.”

“I won’t stop you.”

“Should’ve stuck with cereal,” he mutters, pulling out his phone.

You don’t mean to smile. But you do.

***

Later, you sit on the couch with your legs tucked under you while he scrolls through terrible Spanish romcoms on TV.

“This one’s got a 3.4 on IMDb.”

“Perfect.”

He clicks play.

You steal glances at him when he’s not looking. He’s gotten more attractive since the last time you saw him, though you’re not sure if it’s the jawline or the fact that he keeps folding your hoodie when you leave it on the back of a chair.

He’s obnoxious, yes. Too comfortable too fast. But when you yawn mid-movie, his entire face falls.

“Oh no, I’m boring you.”

“It’s the wine.”

“I’m still boring you.”

“You’re not.”

“I totally am.”

He turns toward you, earnest again. It’s disarming. “You wanna sleep? I’ll shut up.”

“You never shut up.”

“Harsh.”

He watches you for a moment. “You sure you’re okay?”

You pause. That question again. The one you’ve been dodging since the breakdown.

“Yeah,” you lie.

He nods. But doesn’t push.

You both go quiet. The movie drones on in the background.

“Hey,” he says suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve got a cool vibe.”

You look at him. “What does that mean?”

“I dunno. Like … your energy. It’s nice.”

You snort. “Are you high?”

“No! I’m complimenting you. With words.”

“This is how a teenager hits on a barista.”

“Okay, true, but still. I meant it.”

You stare at him.

He grins. “Just accept the compliment.”

You roll your eyes. But you don’t say no.

***

By the time you head to bed, the house smells like burnt garlic and whatever cologne he bathed in.

You hear him shuffling around in the guest room next to yours. Singing under his breath. Awful pitch.

You press your face into the pillow. You’re not supposed to like this. The noise. The chaos. The presence.

But when you wake up later and find your bags stacked neatly by the door — shoes lined up, hoodie folded on the chair — you smile.

Just a little.

And only when no one’s looking.

***

It starts the next morning with coffee.

You’re barely awake — just a hoodie-draped zombie with bed hair and a fading dream you don’t want to examine — when he appears in the kitchen, too chipper, too shirtless.

“You drink it black, right?” Lando asks, holding out a steaming cup like he’s been doing this forever. His curls are a mess. There’s toothpaste on his chin.

You blink at him. “How do you know how I take my coffee?”

“You made fun of me yesterday for putting oat milk in mine. I remembered.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. “It’s called observation. I do it professionally.”

“Driving is not the same as remembering my coffee order.”

“I do both with style.”

You accept the cup, suspicious. “Did you spit in this?”

“Only love and a little judgment.”

You take a sip. It’s surprisingly decent.

“You’re not completely useless.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

He says it with a grin, but something flickers in his eyes when you smile over your cup. You don’t catch it. Not yet.

***

Days pass like that. Mornings laced with caffeine and accidental comfort.

You fall into a rhythm neither of you talks about. He gets up earlier than you expect — blasts music while brushing his teeth, sings ABBA off-key in the hallway, makes smoothies that look like radioactive goo.

You argue over playlists constantly.

“No. We’re not doing Pitbull at eight in the morning.”

“He’s Mr. Worldwide! It’s inspirational.”

“He’s bald and shouting.”

“That’s showbiz, baby.”

Sometimes, you win. Most of the time, he sneaks Mr. Brightside onto every playlist and pretends he didn’t.

You never thought you'd get used to someone like him. Loud. Playful. Constantly hovering in your peripheral vision. But there's a gentleness under the antics. A sweetness that doesn't beg to be noticed, but you notice anyway.

He drives you to the market without asking. Carries your groceries like it’s a competition. Starts trying to cook again — more confident than competent.

“What’s your favorite dish?” He asks one evening, hunched over his phone like it owes him money.

You answer without thinking. “Cacio e pepe.”

“Easy. I got this.”

He doesn’t got this.

He overcooks the pasta, forgets to salt the water, and ends up Googling “what is pecorino” in a panic.

You walk in on him whispering “don’t clump, don’t clump” at the sauce like it’s sentient.

You bite your lip to keep from laughing. “Need help?”

“Nope. I’m an artist. This is part of the process.”

He serves it with flair. You pretend not to notice the texture is more glue than cheese.

Still, you eat it. He watches your face the whole time, pretending not to. When you finish the plate, he beams like he’s won a Michelin star.

^**

The rain starts on a Tuesday.

You wake to gray skies and the soft percussion of drops against the villa’s roof. You think it’ll pass. It doesn’t.

By mid-afternoon, you’re both restless.

“I have to move,” you say, pacing in the living room. “I need to do something.”

Lando sprawls across the rug like a teenage boy at a sleepover. “Let’s play Mario Kart.”

“That’s not productive.”

“You’re literally vibrating with stress. Sit down. You need to get your ass kicked by Princess Peach.”

You do not get your ass kicked. You annihilate him.

“This game is rigged,” he whines as your kart zips past his. “You’re cheating.”

“I'm just better.”

“You're heartless. Cruel. Unfairly good at drifting.”

“You sound like a man who’s losing.”

He groans, flops over, and covers his face with a throw pillow. “I hate fish.”

You blink. “What?”

“Just thought I’d change the subject.”

You snort. “Okay. Why?”

“They smell weird. They look weird. Their eyes freak me out.”

“Do you think fish can understand us?”

He lifts the pillow slightly. “Are we high right now?”

“No, I’m serious. What if they know we’re watching them?”

“Then I owe a lot of apologies to some sushi.”

You laugh. A real one. Not the polite chuckle you use in meetings, not the rehearsed smile for courtroom civility. This one hits your ribs.

He sits up. Watches you. Doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“What?” You ask.

“Nothing,” he says. “Just … you’re different when you laugh like that.”

You glance away. “Like what?”

“Like you forgot something was weighing on you.”

His voice is soft now. Uncharacteristically so. You don’t respond right away. Just look out the window, rain sliding down the glass in long, lazy streaks.

After a while, you say, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He looks over.

“I mean, with my life,” you continue. “I was going so fast, for so long, and now I’ve stopped and I don’t … know what’s left.”

You stare at your hands. You hate how raw that sounds. How uncertain.

He doesn’t jump in. Doesn’t make a joke. Doesn’t try to fix it.

Just sits beside you. Quiet.

“I used to think being successful would feel better than this,” you say. “But I don’t even remember who I was before I started chasing things I don’t even know if I wanted.”

“Do you wanna go back?” He asks.

“No. But I don’t know how to go forward, either.”

He nods. Not like he understands completely — but like he’s trying to. Like he’s holding space for you, instead of advice.

“I don’t have answers,” he says eventually. “But I’m really good at distractions.”

You smile faintly. “Clearly.”

“I mean, c’mon. My carbonara almost killed you.”

“It did. I wrote a will after.”

“Harsh.”

“Truthful.”

He grins, and you feel lighter. A little.

***

That night, the rain intensifies.

You can’t sleep. Not because of the storm, but because something inside you is too noisy. Like your mind won’t stop pacing the room.

You wander out into the hallway, barefoot and restless, planning to make tea.

You don’t expect to see the front door open.

Or the rain soaking the floor tiles just past the entry.

Or him — barefoot, shirt clinging to him, hair dripping, crouched on the porch with his hands around a toppled plant.

You step outside. The rain is warm. Immediate. Your hoodie clings to your skin.

“Are you serious?” You call.

He looks up. His smile is sheepish, wide. “It fell over. I didn’t want it to drown.”

“In the middle of a storm?”

“Poor guy didn’t ask for this.”

You stare at him. His knees are muddy. There’s a leaf in his hair. He’s cradling the ceramic pot like it’s a kitten.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Guilty.”

“But also kind of … sweet.”

He looks at you.

You’re not sure what’s shifted. Maybe it’s the rain. The hour. The silence between the two of you that’s no longer awkward.

You’re suddenly aware of how close he is. How sincere his face becomes when he thinks you’re not looking.

He stands slowly. Water drips down his neck.

You say, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know.”

You say, “You’re soaked.”

“So are you.”

And there it is — that moment. Hanging. Taut.

Not quite a kiss. Not yet.

But the kind of stillness that precedes something inevitable.

He tucks a wet strand of hair behind your ear. Doesn’t touch anything else.

His fingers are cold. His eyes are impossibly warm.

You shiver.

He notices. “Come on. Let’s not catch pneumonia.”

You nod. Follow him inside. Neither of you says much as you dry off.

But something’s different now.

And you both feel it.

Like you’ve stepped into something bigger than a holiday detour.

Something that might last.

***

You don’t expect him to ask.

You’re elbow-deep in a bowl of popcorn, half-watching some Spanish cooking show neither of you understands, when he says it — casual, like it’s nothing.

“You should come to Monaco next weekend.”

You blink. “What?”

“To the race. I’ll give you the VIP treatment.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What does that even mean?”

“It means you get a lanyard. And free food. And I pretend to be cooler than I actually am.”

“So, your regular weekend?”

He smirks. “Exactly.”

You scoff. “I’m not going to be some … grid girl.”

His grin falters. Just a little. “It’s not like that.”

“Lando.”

“You’d be my guest.”

“That’s worse.”

He turns toward you on the couch, legs folded under him like a golden retriever mid-persuasion. “Come on. It’s glamorous. There’s champagne. Helicopters. You love judging rich people.”

“That part is tempting.”

“I’ll let you wear one of my team shirts.”

“Still not sold.”

“I’ll bribe you with food.”

“Try again.”

“I’ll-” He pauses, thinks hard, then lights up. “-I’ll serenade you. Publicly. At the paddock.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would. Off-key. Acapella. I’ll make the engineers cry.”

You roll your eyes, but you’re smiling.

He leans closer, dramatic whisper: “Come on. I’ll look lonely if you’re not there.”

“You’ll be surrounded by people.”

“Yeah, but none of them steal my fries and insult my music taste.”

You try not to let the warmth bloom too fast. “That’s your best argument?”

He lifts his hands. “That’s all I got.”

You shake your head. “Fine.”

He blinks. “Wait, seriously?”

You sigh. “Yes. Before I change my mind.”

He fist pumps the air. “YES. I mean — cool. Chill. No big deal.”

You snort. “You’re such a loser.”

“Your loser.”

You ignore the way your chest does a weird little flutter.

***

You regret saying yes almost immediately.

Not because you don’t want to go — but because it’s a lot.

The paddock is chaos. Noise. Cameras. Sunglasses on everyone, like they’re all pretending it’s not just overcast. You can feel eyes on you from the second you step out of the car.

Lando’s bouncing on the balls of his feet beside you, grinning like he owns the place. Which, in a way, he kind of does.

“You okay?” He asks.

You nod, a bit dazed. “You weren’t kidding about the VIP treatment.”

“Would I ever lie?”

“Yes.”

“Fair.”

He hands you a pass. “Here. This is your all-access badge. Makes you important.”

“Is it laminated?”

“Of course it’s laminated. We’re not animals.”

You laugh. He smiles like that was his whole goal.

People greet him constantly — engineers, press, fans. He throws a casual arm around your shoulder more than once, guiding you through the crowd.

You notice it after the third introduction: no one asks who you are. They all assume.

“Oh, so this is your-”

“Hey, you finally brought her!”

“Lando’s girl, right?”

You start correcting people. At first.

“Oh no, we’re just-”

“Not together, actually.”

“Just friends.”

But he never jumps in. Never clarifies. Just smiles, tugs you along, calls you mate in that annoyingly endearing way.

At some point, you stop correcting anyone. You tell yourself it’s just easier that way.

You’re lying.

***

You meet Oscar by the snack table.

He’s polite, a little dry, surprisingly funny. You’re mid-laugh when Lando shows up, scooter wheels screeching dramatically.

“Hey,” he says, too loud. “What’s going on here?”

Oscar raises an eyebrow. “Just talking.”

“Looked like flirting from over there.”

Oscar blinks. “I was complimenting her trainers.”

Lando squints. “They’re mine.”

“Ah.” Oscar smiles. “Well, you’ve got good taste.”

You can feel the tension radiating off Lando like heat from asphalt.

“Oscar was just telling me about the simulator,” you say, steering the conversation.

Lando crosses his arms. “Yeah? I’m faster than him in it.”

“By two-tenths,” Oscar says mildly.

“Still counts.”

You glance between them. “Are you … racing right now?”

Oscar shrugs. “Always.”

Lando tries to lean casually against a tire stack. Misses. Nearly faceplants into a crate of water bottles.

You wince. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he grumbles, hopping back up.

Oscar’s expression is unreadable.

You bite your lip. “Should I, uh, go find my seat?”

Oscar nods. “Probably safer over there.”

You follow Lando as he storms off, silent. His curls are a mess. His ears are red.

When you finally stop near the garage, you say, “What was that?”

“What?”

“You nearly crashed your scooter trying to interrupt a conversation.”

“He was flirting with you.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“He was definitely flirting with you.”

“And if he was?”

Lando blinks. “I-”

You tilt your head. “Lando.”

“I didn’t like it.”

You cross your arms. “Why not?”

He stares at the ground. Rubs the back of his neck. Looks nothing like the confident, camera-ready version of himself from earlier.

Finally, he says, quietly, “I just really like you.”

You freeze.

“I know I’m not your type,” he adds quickly. “And I know you’re probably just being nice to me because I make dumb jokes and cook badly and follow you around like a puppy-”

“Lando-”

“-but I’d try, you know? To be whatever it is you’re looking for. Even if I’m not it.”

The words hang between you. Raw. Honest. Vulnerable in a way you haven’t seen from him before.

You laugh. Just a little. Not because it’s funny, but because it’s too much.

He looks crushed.

“Sorry,” you say quickly. “That wasn’t — I’m not laughing at you. I’m just … overwhelmed.”

His mouth twitches like he’s trying to smile through it.

You reach for his arm. “You don’t have to be anything else. You’re already …”

You stop. Your heart fills in the blank your brain can’t say.

You’re already it.

***

Back in the garage, you watch him from a distance. He’s talking to his engineers, gesturing wildly, helmet tucked under one arm.

He doesn’t glance your way.

For once, you’re the one staring.

Something’s shifted again. The line you’ve been walking is gone. Or maybe it was never there to begin with.

Maybe this thing — whatever it is — isn’t waiting to be defined.

Maybe it’s just becoming.

***

It starts with a subject line you don’t want to read.

RE: Return to Work Policy Update.

You’re sitting cross-legged on the villa’s sun-warmed patio, coffee cold beside you, when the email comes through. You stare at it for a full minute before opening it.

Then you read it. Reread it. And again.

By the time the words actually register, your throat is dry.

They want you back.

In the office. Full-time. Effective immediately.

No room for extension. No regard for the months of burnout, the time zone, the soft, tender recovery you’ve only just begun to trust.

The deadline sits there, bold and final: next Friday.

If you don’t return, they’ll consider it a resignation.

Your hands tremble. Not dramatically. Just enough to spill a little coffee when you try to pick up the mug.

You wipe it away with your sleeve. Then you close the laptop slowly, gently, like maybe that’ll keep the contents from being real.

***

Lando doesn’t notice at first.

You’re good at hiding. You always have been.

He bounds into the kitchen mid-morning, wearing swim trunks and no shirt, hair wet from the sea. “I made toast!” He announces proudly. “It’s only slightly burnt. Also, I may have used all the butter.”

You smile. Or something close to it.

He pauses. “Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“You wanna go for a swim?”

“Not right now.”

He watches you for a second longer than normal.

Then shrugs. “I’ll save you a good floaty.”

You nod.

But later, you don’t join him. You stay inside. You open a suitcase you haven’t touched in weeks. You fold slowly, carefully. As if touching your things too fast might make it all feel too real.

***

The villa shifts.

There’s a silence between you that hasn’t been there before. Not sharp, just … echoey.

You stop making jokes. Stop dancing in the kitchen. Stop stealing his hoodies and pretending not to.

Lando notices.

And he spirals.

First, he overcompensates — louder jokes, bolder breakfasts, compliments that sound like YouTube comments.

“You’re glowing today. Like, solar flare-level.”

“Okay.”

“That hoodie’s working overtime. Is that a new shade of existential dread?”

You manage a weak laugh. It makes him look relieved. Which only makes you feel worse.

Because none of this is his fault.

He doesn’t know.

You don’t tell him.

***

Wednesday, he plans the party.

He does it in secret. Sort of.

Oscar is in on it. So is Carlos — over FaceTime, mostly to say things like “Do not set anything on fire” and “Are you using actual TNT?”

Lando doesn’t care about the logistics. He just wants to make you smile.

“She’s leaving, I think,” he mutters, digging through drawers for balloons. “She hasn’t said it, but … I can tell.”

Oscar looks at him, concerned. “Did something happen?”

“Not exactly.” Lando shrugs. “I think I broke it.”

“You?”

“She’s … retreating. Like, emotionally. It’s like she’s packing her heart before her suitcase.”

Oscar frowns. “That’s poetic. Are you okay?”

Lando ignores the question. “I just want her to know she matters here. That this mattered. That I’ll-” He stops. Runs a hand through his curls. “-that I’ll miss her. So fucking much.”

***

The party is terrible.

Confetti ends up in the punch. The playlist is just ABBA and Martin Garrix on loop. Oscar bails halfway through. Carlos texts I warned you.

But the real problem is this.

You don’t show up.

Lando waits. He checks his phone. Checks the garden. The pool. The kitchen.

Nothing.

Eventually, he wanders outside. Something tells him to check the back.

That’s where he finds you.

Curled into yourself on a bench beneath the lemon tree, head bowed, fingers twisted in the hem of your shirt. Shoulders shaking.

He stops mid-step. Heart hammering.

“Hey.”

You flinch, barely.

He walks slowly, like he’s afraid you might vanish if he moves too fast.

“What’s wrong?” He asks gently.

You shake your head.

“I thought you were mad at me,” he admits. “But you’re-”

“I’m leaving,” you say suddenly, voice hoarse. “Next Friday. If I don’t go back, they’ll fire me.”

He blinks. “Oh.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

Lando sits beside you. Not close enough to touch. Just near.

You bury your face in your hands.

“I don’t want to go,” you whisper. “But I don’t know how to stay, either.”

And just like that, the dam breaks. The tears come fast, messy, embarrassing in their intensity.

You expect him to panic. To joke. To offer a stupid, misplaced solution.

He doesn’t.

He just slides closer. Wraps his arms around you.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” he says softly, chin resting on your hair, “but I can sit here until you’re okay.”

You cling to him like he’s a life raft. And maybe he is.

You cry harder.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” you admit. “I’ve spent years building a life I’m not even sure I want anymore.”

“Then don’t go back to it.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know who I am without it.”

He’s quiet for a long time.

Then, quietly, “I think you’re someone who deserves to choose. And be chosen.”

You pull back slightly. Just enough to look at him.

His eyes are red. Not from tears, just open. Vulnerable.

“Lando,” you whisper.

He leans in.

Slow. Careful. Like he’s waiting for you to stop him.

You don’t.

The kiss is gentle. Reverent. A question more than an answer.

You breathe into it. Let your hand slide to his jaw. Let yourself feel the way he sighs against your mouth, like kissing you is something he’s been holding in for weeks.

When he finally pulls back, he rests his forehead against yours.

“Stay,” he says, barely audible.

You close your eyes.

“I want to.”

“Then we’ll figure it out.”

***

You don’t decide to stay because of Lando.

Not exactly.

You decide to stay because the thought of packing up now — of folding all this softness into a suitcase and shipping it back to a life you’re no longer sure you chose — makes your chest ache in a way that has nothing to do with fear and everything to do with clarity.

Lando doesn’t ask questions. He just finds you that morning in the kitchen, barefoot and bleary-eyed, scribbling a pros and cons list onto the back of an electric bill.

You don’t look up. You just say, “I’m not leaving. Not yet.”

He’s quiet for a second too long, and you glance up — worried he didn’t hear, or worse, that he did.

But then he grins. Huge. Bright. Like someone lit a fire inside him.

“You’re not leaving?”

“No.”

“Like … not leaving leaving?”

“For now.”

“For now,” he echoes, nodding, trying to play it cool. “Right. Yeah. Cool. Chill.”

You sip your coffee.

He bumps your shoulder. “So … does this mean I can keep introducing you as my emotionally exclusive, spiritually bonded non-girlfriend?”

You laugh into your mug. “That’s not a thing.”

“It could be. It sounds deep. Very committed. Like a tax bracket.”

“Just say girlfriend.”

“But we didn’t talk about it.”

“Then talk.”

He straightens, clears his throat dramatically. “Would you do me the honor of being my emotionally exclusive-”

“Lando.”

“Girlfriend. Would you be my girlfriend?”

You give him a long look. “Okay.”

He whoops and spins you around the kitchen before you can change your mind.

***

The days fall into place like dominoes after that.

Not perfect. Just … consistent. Yours.

Mornings start with half-burnt toast and Lando doing pushups in the living room because “I skipped the gym, babe. You want me to be weak?”

You steal his hoodies like it’s your job. He leaves little notes in your shoes like it’s his.

Sometimes, you fight. Over dumb stuff — who used the last clean towel, whether ketchup belongs in the fridge or the pantry, if “driver” is a real career or just a glorified Mario Kart enthusiast.

But the making up is easy.

It always has been, with him.

***

One afternoon, Lando walks into a coffee shop holding your hand and introduces you to the barista.

“This is my girlfriend.”

You blink. He hasn’t used the word out loud yet.

“Well,” he adds quickly, “not officially officially, but like, we’re emotionally exclusive. Spiritually connected. She knows where I keep my socks.”

The barista nods slowly, very confused.

You squeeze his hand. “We’re dating.”

“Oh,” she says, relieved. “Cool.”

Lando turns to you as soon as she walks away. “Was that weird?”

“A little.”

“Did I oversell it?”

“Maybe.”

“But you still like me?”

“Unfortunately.”

He beams. “Sucker.”

***

You record a video of him attempting to fold laundry and accidentally inventing a TikTok dance while pulling a hoodie inside out. It gets 300,000 likes overnight.

He tries to act modest. Fails completely.

“I’m an icon,” he says, scrolling through the comments. ‘Boyfriend energy — see that? That’s me. I am the boyfriend.”

You steal his phone.

“HEY!”

“No more reading comments. You’re unbearable.”

He leans in, eyes wide and innocent. “You knew what you signed up for.”

You did.

You just didn’t know it would feel this good.

***

Carlos calls during dinner one night. You’re sitting outside, feet in Lando’s lap, a half-eaten bowl of pasta between you.

Lando puts the call on speaker.

“Have you both burned down my villa yet?”

“Nope,” Lando says cheerfully. “Just christened all of it.”

You kick him.

Carlos sighs. “I knew letting you stay there was a mistake.”

You grin. “We’ll leave it better than we found it.”

“Good. Because I’m coming back next month.”

Lando chokes on his milk.

Carlos raises an eyebrow — visible even through the pixelation. “What?”

“Nothing. Cool. Chill. Welcome back, mate.”

You lean in. “We’ll be out before then.”

“Where are you going?”

Lando shrugs. “Nowhere far.”

Carlos stares suspiciously, but lets it go.

For now.

***

It happens on a Sunday.

You come home from the market, arms full of fresh herbs and way too many lemons because Lando said “go big or go home,” and walk into absolute chaos.

Smoke. Everywhere.

You freeze in the doorway.

“Lando?”

A pan clatters. “It’s fine!”

You drop the groceries and rush in. He’s waving a dish towel at the smoke detector, eyes watering.

“What did you do?”

“I was trying to make that shrimp thing you like!”

“I told you I was allergic to shellfish!”

He pauses. “Wait, shrimp counts as shellfish?”

You just stare.

“I thought it was like … seafood.”

“It is seafood!”

“So … not fish?”

You blink at him. “That’s your defense?”

He drops the towel. “I’m really bad at this.”

You cross your arms. “I noticed.”

He opens his mouth to keep digging the hole.

You laugh.

It surprises both of you.

“God,” you say, walking over, “you’re a disaster.”

“I tried to impress you!”

“With anaphylaxis?”

“I got confused!”

You wrap your arms around his waist, still laughing.

He exhales, relief flooding through him.

You tilt your head up. “Next time, just buy me a cupcake.”

He grins. “Can do.”

Then he kisses you. Slow, familiar. Like you have nowhere else to be.

And maybe you don’t.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe this mess of smoke and lemons and burnt fish-smelling air is yours.

***

Later, curled up on the couch in one of his shirts, you ask, “So what’s the plan when Carlos comes back?”

Lando taps something on his phone, pretending to be casual. “We … move?”

You raise an eyebrow. “That’s your plan?”

He tosses the phone down and stretches, clearly trying to be nonchalant. “I mean, we can’t actually stay here forever.”

“No,” you admit.

“I’ve been looking at places.”

Your eyes widen. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” He shrugs, cheeks going pink. “Just, you know. In case we want … options.”

You lean your head against his shoulder. “And do we?”

“I do.”

He presses a kiss to your hair, then grins.

“Hey … do you know any good lawyers?”

You look up. “Why?”

“Because Carlos is definitely going to want his villa back. And I think I need legal counsel before I sign the papers on a new one.”

You laugh. “Are you trying to retain me?”

He grins. “Emotionally. Spiritually. Legally.”

You nudge him playfully. “You’re such a dork.”

“And you love it.”

You do.

And you’re staying.

***

Carlos arrives at the villa just after noon, sun-tanned and dead-eyed, dragging two suitcases and a single, unrelenting hope.

Peace. Quiet. Maybe a cold beer. No one yelling. No team meetings. No cameras.

Just Marbella, his lemon trees, and the blessed sound of absolutely nothing.

He exhales as he unlocks the front gate, breathing in the soft scent of sea salt and sunscreen. It’s good to be home.

Or so he thinks.

Because he hasn’t noticed the massive moving truck parked next door yet.

***

He’s halfway through unpacking — half a beer gone, half a suitcase open — when he hears it.

A crash. Then laughter. Then what sounds like, yep that’s Lando’s voice shouting, “Babe, I think I broke the blender but like … in a hot way?”

Carlos freezes.

“No,” he mutters. “No. No. No.”

He walks stiffly out to the garden wall, cranes his neck — and there, as if summoned by evil spirits and bad karma, is Lando.

Wearing a tank top, holding a screwdriver, grinning like the world is made of sunshine and Monster energy.

“CARLOS!” He yells, delighted. “You’re back!”

Carlos stares, horrified. “Why are you here?”

“Oh, right — funny story!” Lando sets the screwdriver down on what might once have been a blender. “We live here now.”

“You what?”

“Moved in last week.”

Carlos blinks. “Here? As in … next door?”

“Yeah! Isn’t that great?”

Carlos looks like he’s trying to mentally summon a lightning strike. “You bought that place?”

“Well, technically it’s still in escrow,” Lando says, wiping his hands on his shorts. “But spiritually, we’ve already moved in.”

Carlos glares.

Lando grins wider. “Wanna see the kitchen? We painted one of the walls blue by accident but I think it kind of slaps.”

Before Carlos can recover enough to yell, you step out from inside, wearing Lando’s hoodie and holding a glass of orange juice like you own the sun.

You freeze. “Oh.”

He blinks. “You’re here too?”

You smile sheepishly. “Hi, Carlos.”

Lando beams. “We’re neighbors!”

Carlos closes his eyes. “I need another beer.”

“Want one of ours?” Lando offers brightly. “I bought those fancy ones you like. The ones with the weird labels.”

Carlos opens one eye. “Did you drink all the ones in my fridge?”

“No! I have your beer memorized.”

“That’s not better.”

You snort, already laughing.

Carlos stares at the two of you, then sighs. “This was supposed to be my peaceful getaway.”

“We can be peaceful,” you promise.

Lando leans against the garden wall. “Super peaceful.”

A loud crash echoes behind him.

You wince. “What was that?”

Lando blinks. “Oh no. I left the microwave on.”

Carlos groans into his hands. “This is my nightmare.”

“C’mon, it’s us,” Lando says, grinning. “What could go wrong?”

Carlos doesn’t answer. He just walks back into his villa, muttering something about divine punishment.

***

From his kitchen, he can hear you both laughing through the open windows.

And weirdly, it kind of sounds like home.

[butyoudidthis4what]

She's Here Part 2

Michael "Robby" Robinavitch x F!Reader

Find Part 1 here!

28.8k || All my content is 18+ MDNI || CW: age gap relationship but gap unspecified; teasing Robby about his age; arguing; discussion of/about sex; allusion to PIV and oral sex; implied protected PIV sex; allusion to Robby having a breeding kink; reader was punched (no real description); potentially incorrect medical procedures and recovery; blood; seizures; passing mentions of stitches and staples; brief slightly graphic medical description; brain surgery; TBI and effects thereof; facial fracture; discussion of PittFest; discussion of what happened to Leah and Adamson; compartmentalization; regret; discussions of death/dying/coding; anxiety; heavy emotional angst; crying; alcohol; grief; active suicide risk Robby; suicidal ideation; depression; anger and irritability (at times intense) as depression symptoms and manifestations; a detective shows up very briefly; no use of yn or related

Series Summary: The day of PittFest becomes unbearably worse for Robby. A little over four months into the relationship you've both been waiting years for, you find Robby on the floor of pedes. When Langdon throws it in his face, Robby assumes you betrayed him and doesn't react well.

AN: Thank you for all of your support on Part 1 and your patience waiting for me to get this out!! I truly appreciate it. I'm kind of nervous about this one but not really sure why. I hope you enjoy and it was worth the wait! And thank you so much for reading!!

“Robby I have to go, but just get here as quickly as you fucking can, okay?” 

Robby isn’t able to get anything out before Jack hangs up. He knows he needs to move, needs to start running back to the hospital but he’s stuck standing in your apartment with tears streaming down his face. 

Adamson. Leah. And now you. Another name on the list of people he’s killed on this date. 

Because Robby is sure you’re not going to be alive when he gets to the hospital. Or that if you are it won’t be for long. Even after he broke your heart and got you killed he could see you trying to be nice to him and waiting to die until tomorrow but he’s not sure he wants that. 

Robby’s eyes roam your kitchen to your fridge. You have a strip of photobooth photos of the two of you hanging up with a magnet. You look so happy. He looks so happy. You both look so in love, even if you hadn’t said it yet. It brings him back down and he realizes he has to go, he needs to try and get to the hospital in time to either help save you or say goodbye to you. 

He walks quickly back to your front door and locks it before running down the stairs and back out onto the street where he starts sprinting again. He takes every shortcut he knows, anything to shave off even just a couple of seconds. The adrenaline coursing through him is giving him the ability to keep up his sprint and he knows when that adrenaline crashes, it’s going to crash hard. 

There’s the briefest second of relief when he finally sees the ambulance bay doors. He’s almost to you. 

He comes running in through the doors looking for you or for Jack. “Where is she?” Robby yells the second his eyes find Jack on the opposite side of the hub.

Jack’s head snaps in Robby’s direction like he’s been here waiting for Robby. He starts to walk toward Robby who has lessened from a sprint to a partial run. Jack holds his hands up and steps in front of Robby, putting his hands on Robby’s chest to catch and slow Robby down for a few seconds before removing them.

Robby thinks he might be sick. Because Jack isn’t working on you. And Jack isn’t greeting him with a reassuring ‘she’s alive.’ And Jack isn’t leading him toward a trauma room or toward the elevators to go up to an ICU or OR or whatever other floor but off to the side toward one of the more secluded empty rooms. And everyone is looking at him not with hope but with sympathy that feels more like pity. 

“Jack. Please.” He can’t even begin to try and catch his breath. “Please don’t take me into some room and tell me she’s dead. Please.” His voice breaks on the last please, a prayer and a plea to his best friend to not fucking do this to him. 

Jack shakes his head. “She’s alive. I’m not taking you to any room to tell you she’s dead. I just didn’t think you’d want to do this in front of everyone.” Robby lets out a barely muffled sob of relief. “She’s up with neuro. Dana’s in observation. She’s not alone okay? But it’s ba-”

“Brain surgery? Oh jesus fucking christ.” Robby takes off for the elevator, Jack right behind him. “I need to see her.” 

“Robby, hey,” Jack tries to get his attention as he presses the elevator call button over and over. “Are you sure you want to see her like that?”

“Yes.” There’s no real thought to it. Because to Robby it’s not even a question. The doors open and the two step in, Jack hitting the button for the right floor and then the door closed button. “What are her injuries?”

Jack pauses for a second. “It’s bad, Robby.” 

Robby’s stomach twists again. He knows what it means when Jack says something is bad because of how rarely he uses it. For Jack, bad is the worst. 

The elevator arrives at their floor and they both step out, Jack pulling Robby over to the side of the hallway with him. Jack lets out a breath. “Longitudinal basilar skull fracture, depressed skull fracture along her left parietal and temporal. Massive subdural hematoma, easily the biggest I’ve ever seen on a patient. Tripod fracture on the right.”

Robby shakes his head at Jack, more adrenaline pouring into his system and making him shake a little. It feels like he can’t breathe. “What else?” he whispers.

“Scrapes and bruises, nasal fracture. Cut on her face that I’ve made sure Plastics will stitch.” Jack gives Robby a couple of seconds to take it all in before nodding in the direction of the observation room for your OR. “Come on.”

They finish the short walk to the door and Jack opens it, walks in after Robby. 

“Hey,” Dana says softly as she stands and approaches Robby to give him a hug. “She’s hanging in there.” 

Robby barely hugs Dana back, too focused on looking at you. Because seeing you, seeing you in that chair with your head bolted into place, intubated, face already incredibly swollen and bruised, seeing you makes it all too real. “Oh my god,” Robby whispers. “Oh my fucking god.”

“I know,” Dana murmurs, standing next to him and rubbing his back. 

“I…She…” Robby shakes his head and swallows hard. He has to turn around and he hates himself for it, feels like he’s abandoning you once again but he just can’t. He lets out a half-broken sob as he puts his face in his hands. 

“Sit down, yeah?” Dana leads Robby over to one of the seats while Jack turns the monitors and speaker off so Robby doesn’t have to see it up close or hear it. 

“How long has she been in surgery?” Robby whispers after a minute, dropping his hands in his lap and sniffling. 

“She went up a minute or so after I hung up,” Jack tells him. 

Dana takes the seat next to Robby. “They’ve evacuated about half of the hematoma.” 

Robby gets dizzy at that. The hematoma he just saw on your brain was still huge. He figured you hadn’t been up here that long and they were just getting started. “That was half of it?” 

Neither Dana nor Jack say anything. There’s not much to say at this point. Like Jack said. It’s bad. 

Robby wipes away a few tears and can almost feel the wall his mind builds around him and everything growing numb. “What was her GCS?” He watches Dana and Jack look at each other, neither answering. “That bad?”

“It wasn’t great,” Jack says slowly. “We burr holed her downstairs and once we got the ICP down her GCS came back up. Then I called you and while I was talking to you she seized and her GCS dropped again.”

He just nods. He doesn’t push for the actual numbers. They don’t really matter right now anyway. Robby doesn’t know if five minutes or five hours pass as he sits there, lost in his head and wishing he could just go to sleep and wake up and have you in bed next to him and none of this be real. He’s not even fully aware of Dana squeezing his shoulder and slipping out of the room. He’s stuck in his thoughts, replaying all of your best moments together and then him breaking up with you in that supply closet, over and over and over. 

It’s only been six or so minutes of Robby lost to his thoughts when he finally pulls himself free enough to look at Jack. “What happened?” 

Jack sighs and takes a seat, leaves one chair in between him and Robby. “Not super clear. Based on her injuries and where she was found it looks like she got punched from the side and fell and hit her head on the curb. Mugging probably, she was missing her backpack and phone.”

“How long was she down?” Robby mumbles.

“Don’t know.” Jack shakes his head. “A while I would guess. Her body was hidden by a car to anyone driving by and where she was found isn’t a heavy pedestrian street at night.”

“Where was she?” You couldn’t have been on your way home, Robby would’ve seen you while running there. Unless you’d already been picked up. 

“Paramedics said she was about a block west up and a hundred feet or so down from Harry’s bodega.” Jack tells him. “I don’t know, obviously, but it feels like she was trying to get to a busier street to walk on.”

Robby nods. The two settle back into silence. Robby can hardly fathom you just laying there on the sidewalk growing closer and closer to death all alone. He wonders how long you were conscious for. If hitting your head on the curb knocked you out or if you had to lay there knowing what was slowly happening to you, if you had to watch them take your backpack and feel in your pockets for your phone. 

That line of thought brings Robby to a natural worry. What if whoever it was hurt you even worse? What if taking your backpack and phone wasn’t enough? He almost gags at how hard the nausea hits again. “Jack. Was she…” Robby looks at Jack with a horrified expression. He can’t bring himself to finish the question, to say the words, but Jack knows immediately. 

“No,” Jack shakes his head emphatically, “Dana checked. There were absolutely no signs. And the paramedics said her clothes looked normal, not like someone had tried to put them back on an unconscious body.”

Some relief floods Robby’s system at that news. “How the fuck-” Robby presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. “How did she even end up here? We should’ve been closed to trauma.”

“Paramedics recognized her,” Jack says quietly, “knew she needed to come here regardless of our status.” 

Robby doesn’t respond, just shakes his head a little and closes his eyes again. He keeps praying he’s going to wake up and this entire day will have just been a horrible nightmare but he knows he won’t. He knows this is his reality. He knows what he lost. 

“I killed her,” he whispers, just loud enough for Jack to hear. “I killed Adamson, and then I killed Leah, and now I’ve killed her.” Robby swallows down a sob. “I killed them all and I killed her after I broke her heart for no reason, and I don’t know what to do with that, how to, how to… This is my fault Jack.”

“Robby,” Jack lets out a breath as he looks over at him, “I love you brother, but you are not god. You didn’t kill Adamson. You didn’t kill Leah. You didn’t kill her. She’s still alive and we don’t know if she’s going to die. The world is fucked up Robby. Fucked up things happen. Disease and violence happen. I get why you feel like all of those things are your fault but they’re not.”

He shakes his head at Jack and looks back down at his lap. Jack just doesn’t understand, can’t see it. Maybe Jack does and is just lying to him as his friend trying to make him feel better. Because it’s hard for Robby to believe Jack that he isn’t to blame. Especially about you. If he hadn’t broken up with you then you wouldn’t have left and you wouldn’t have been assaulted. But he did break up with you.

Robby replays the night in his head again. He gets to being on the roof with Jack and realizes that Jack let you leave. You told Jack you were leaving and he didn’t stop you. Robby knows his thoughts are wrong and that Jack has no responsibility for any of this, but Robby needs someone to be angry at if he can’t be angry at himself. 

“Why’d you let her leave?” Robby spits the question venomously. 

“Excuse me?” Jack raises his eyebrows at Robby.

“Why’d you let her fucking leave?” He glares at Jack. 

“I didn’t let her do anything. She’s a grown adult and an attending whose shift was well over. We didn’t need her anymore. So she left.” Jack stares back at him, seemingly unperturbed by Robby’s glare. 

“Well if you asked her to stay until after that debrief maybe she wouldn’t have left and I could have talked to her-”

“No, Robby.” Jack shakes his head. “I understand you’re grieving and deeply upset and a lot of horrible fucking things have happened today, but you do not get to blame me for this just because I’m trying to stop you from blaming yourself.” 

Robby looks away from him again and is quiet. “You’re right, I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

“It’s okay, I get it.” Jack reaches over and squeezes Robby’s shoulder. “You know I do,” he whispers. 

“She’s not going to wake up is she Jack?” Robby slowly looks over at Jack with tears streaming down his face as the numbness he’d gotten himself to starts to fade and he’s left with overwhelming grief and sorrow. 

Jack’s quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know, Robby. She’s young. That’s heavily in her favor with all of this. We got the swelling and pressure down quickly once she got here.” 

“Yeah,” Robby huffs, “but who the fuck knows how long she was out there. It had to have been at least an hour if not closer to two. That’s a long fucking time to have blood on the brain and a high ICP, Jack.”

“It’s hard to know Robby. It’s hard to know how long and if the bleeding and swelling started immediately or if it took time to come on or what.” Jack nods slowly. “But we both know she’s stubborn and a fighter.” 

Robby scoffs. It’s at himself and not Jack’s admittedly correct observation about you. “She doesn’t think she has anything left to fight for.”

“Yes she does. She knows she does.” Jack looks like he’s debating whether to say more. 

“What?”

Jack lets out a breath. “When her GCS came up, before we intubated her, she started repeating your name. Michael. So I think she knows she has a lot to fight for. Has you to fight for.”

The thought slams into Robby. You were saying his name. That’s the word your injured brain came up with. His name. His fucking name. Michael. 

Robby’s phone buzzing in his pocket distracts him from his thoughts for a few seconds. He goes to pull it out of his pocket but stops as the realization hits him. “She called me Jack, she called me. Right after I spoke with everyone, she called me. Twice.” He stands up and starts pacing the length of the room. “She might have been trying to get to a busier street like you said because maybe she was being followed or something and she knew she was in danger and that’s why she called me. For help. And I, I sent her straight to voicemail and then just let it ring. I ignored her. I ignored her.”  

“You don’t know that Robby,” Jack shakes his head, “I know it’s hard but you have to try not to let yourself go there. She could’ve been calling you for any number of reasons.”

“No, Jack.” Robby stops pacing near the wall at the far side of the room from Jack. “We both know that she called for something related to what happened.” He can feel the adrenaline start to crash as he looks back down at you in surgery. “She called because she needed me and I wasn’t there.”

He’s thankful when Jack doesn’t try to argue with him on this one and just lets him have it. Robby focuses on watching what they’re doing to you while he thinks about you. How much he loves you, how perfect you are for him, how beautiful and smart you are, how lucky he is just to know you. And then another realization hits him. 

He never told you he loves you. 

The adrenaline crash finally hits him. Robby turns away from the window and steps backwards until he hits the wall and slides down it, just like he did in pedes earlier today. But this time you’re not coming to find him. You might never come to find him again. “I never told her I love her,” he manages to get out clearly enough for Jack to hear before he starts sobbing and slips into a total breakdown, finally letting himself sob freely even more than in pedes earlier. Robby breaks all the way down, comes completely unglued because he can’t get the grief and hurt out fast enough, and what he does get out is immediately replaced. 

“She knows,” Jack says quietly as he sits next to Robby and leans back against the wall. 

Robby lets himself lean against Jack a bit just to feel someone else even though he doesn’t think he deserves any comfort from anyone. This is all his fault. He made this bed and now he has to lay in it. “I never told her Jack, she’ll never get to hear it from me, I’ll never know she heard it,” Robby chokes out between sobs over and over. “I never told her I love her.”

The two sit there until Robby cries himself out and for a bit longer after while Robby tries to pull himself together. By the time they get up you’re out of surgery and settled in a room in the neuro-ICU. 

“Dana and I will be downstairs. Call or text if you need anything,” Jack tells Robby as they stand outside your room.

Robby nods distractedly at Jack. “Yeah thanks,” he mumbles as Jack walks away.

He forces himself to open the door to your room and step in, closing the door behind him and walking towards your bed. “Oh god, Kid,” Robby lets out through a shuddery breath as he gets close enough to really see you. He saw you from a distance in the OR but that was nothing compared to seeing you close up.

The bruising and swelling is some of the worst Robby has ever seen and it’s you. They stitched your cheek well. Your incision looks good too all things considered, the drain they left in isn’t too full. You’re intubated, hooked up to more monitors and drugs than Robby cares to look at right now. But this is you. Robby is looking at you and seeing all of this. This is you. 

He thought he had truly cried himself out, that he didn’t have any tears left but somehow more find him. “I’m so sorry,” he sniffles as he pulls a chair over close to your bed and sits in it. He takes your hand so gently, holding it between both of his like he’s holding the thinnest piece of glass that’s waiting to be broken. Robby rests his forehead on the back of his top hand as he lets more tears fall. “I’m so sorry for everything, I love you so much and I need you to come back to me.” 

Robby pulls his head back up to look at you, finally lets himself squeeze your hand a little. “I need you. I really fucking need you, Kid. So please. Please come back,” he hiccups out, close to giving into his sobs once more. 

He tries to think back on what you look like normally, when you’re not this bruised and swollen and don’t have stitches or partially shaved hair or an incision on your scalp or a drain. The only image Robby’s brain will conjure up for him is the expression on your face in the supply closet earlier today. How the more he spoke the more upset you became, how the sadness and heartbreak took over all of your features, how your tears slid down your cheeks and your lips trembled. 

It’s all he can see and it triggers that memory to start playing again. Him breaking up with you in that supply closet. Him being needlessly mean. Him refusing to listen to you. And it hits him like so many other realizations have tonight. What’s likely to be the last thing he ever said to you.

No, you don’t get to call me Michael. Or Robby. It’s Dr. Robinavitch to you.

Robby holds your hand against the side of his face as he rests his head on your thigh and lets himself sob again. Because what the fuck else is he supposed to do. 

A couple of days pass. They’re able to wean you off the ventilator so you’re breathing on your own now and you’ve been stable the entire time. Robby knows how good that is, how good of a sign it is. But it’s hard for him to appreciate when you’re still unconscious and not really here with him. He wants to talk to you. Tell you that he loves you and he’s sorry. He wants to work it all out, to have you forgive him and get better and go home with him and get engaged and married and grow old together. He says it to you over and over, to your unconscious form. But that’s not the same. He doesn’t know if you’re hearing him. 

Time passes slowly. He reads on his phone sometimes. Jack and Dana come to visit frequently and most of the ED has stopped by for at least a couple of minutes by now so that breaks up the days a bit. 

But Robby’s pretty sure he spends most of his days just watching you and replaying your last day together over and over in his head. Ruminating on what might be the last thing he ever said to you. No, you don’t get to call me Michael. Or Robby. It’s Dr. Robinavitch to you. Ruminating on how sad and destroyed you looked.

The buzzing of his phone pulls him from his thoughts. 

D - Can I get you anything? Coffee or water?

He’s been given multiple cups of coffee over the last couple of days. Nobody has asked. They’ve just brought him cups figuring he needed it or that it would be some small gesture of comfort. He didn’t think much of it. But seeing the word in Dana’s text makes the memory hit him hard.

That coffee. That fucking coffee he made that morning that lead to him accidentally hurting you and the two of you having a little tiff. And he used the coffee as an excuse to say no and now he might have turned down his last chance to ever be intimate with you, to ever be that close to and with you. 

And that coffee is still sitting there. The mug he poured himself and the carafe. He has to go home to it. It’ll be sitting there waiting and ready to taunt him when he has to walk in his front door without you. Without you in his life. Without you in the world. With you in the morgue. 

Robby isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to drink coffee again. 

He doesn’t reply to Dana immediately. Can’t bring himself to. Robby puts his phone back in his pocket and looks at you. Your fingers moving catches his eye and he stands, heart rate speeding up as he watches you open and close your hands. 

“Kid?” He grabs your hand and wraps it in a fist around two of his fingers. “Can you open your eyes for me? Or squeeze my hand?” You do neither and Robby’s heart sinks. But he keeps talking to you, keeps trying to coax you back to him. 

A few minutes pass and Robby wants to sob with joy for once when you flutter your eyes open. Everything is too much. It’s too bright and too loud and god everything hurts. You think you might be sick. But as you adjust you finally start to really hear noise. It just kind of sounds like gibberish though, you don’t know what any of it means. You also realize you have no idea where you are or what happened and that scares you. Your eyes focus and you realize Robby is standing by you and crying, and while him crying worries you, you’re just relieved to see someone you recognize, someone who cares about you. 

“Mic-” You stop yourself and lick your lips before trying to speak again. Because for whatever reason that’s the memory that comes into your mind first. “Dr. Robinavitch.” His name is heavily slurred and difficult for you to force out, but Robby knows exactly what you’re saying. He knows you started to say Michael and caught yourself. 

So he knows that you remember. That some piece of you remembers what happened. He shakes his head at you and squeezes your hand. “Hey, Kid, no. No, please. You can call me Michael. Or Robby. Whatever you want, okay? I’ve been so worried about you.” 

Your eyes flutter shut as another wave of tears soaks Robby’s beard. A searing pain worse than anything you’ve ever felt before hits your head and you wince and groan as everything fades back to black. 

“Kid? What’s wrong? Stay with me, yeah?” But Robby knows by the way your body goes limp that you’re unconscious again. “Fuck,” he mutters. He knows that’s not unexpected, but he was really praying you would be one of the ones who just wake up and are fine. And he realizes he just had his opportunity. That the first words out of his mouth should have been that he loves you. But they weren’t, he didn’t say it at all. And now you’re unconscious again.

He lets go of your hand and steps away from your bed, planning on pacing a little as he texts Dana and Jack to let them know you woke up briefly. Robby doesn’t get the chance though. Because as soon as he pulls out his phone your intracranial pressure monitor alarm goes off and you start to seize. 

Robby gives you one last lingering kiss before pulling out of you with a groan and falling onto his back beside you. He takes off the condom, ties it and tosses it in the trash before settling in next to you and pulling the sheet up and over you so that you don’t get cold. 

The two of you finally just had sex for the first time and Robby already knows your pussy is like a drug to him. He’s never going to be able to get enough, is constantly going to think about it. He bets your mouth will join it. 

His hand closest to you splays out over your tummy, something that feels, and is, protective and possessive. His other hand comes up to rest behind his head against his pillow. He knows he’s grinning like a love sick idiot. 

“I have a confession,” he says through soft pants as he continues to come back down. You can hear that love sick idiot grin in his voice.

“Oh yeah?” you sigh happily, still panting a little yourself.

“After that, I kind of really regret waiting until you were an attending,” he chuckles. There’s enough of a teasing lilt to his voice to know he’s not being completely serious, but some seriousness rings through. 

You scoff at him and grab your pillow under your head, turn onto your side as you hit him with it over his chest and stomach. 

“Hey!” He grabs the pillow from you as he turns on his side to face you. “What was that for? That’s just how good the sex was!” He gives you a look before giving you your pillow back. 

“That’s why you regret waiting until I was an attending? The sex. Just the sex?” You fake pout at him.“Not me in general? Dating me? Kissing me even? It took you until being inside of me to regret waiting?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that and you know it. It was just a funny joke.” He smirks at you as you roll your eyes at him playfully. “You think the sex would be that good if the chemistry we have with our clothes on wasn’t here? If I didn’t love spending time with you and dating you and kissing you?” 

“You know, you never asked me if the sex was that good.” You smirk at him now. 

“Oh,” Robby laughs, leaning in and kissing you for a second and then letting his lips ghost yours. “You’re not really trying to tell me it wasn’t. Because I think the scratches on my back and how hard your pussy squeezed me when you came on my cock and how you were crying my name beg to differ.” 

You smile as you shiver a little at the memory. “I never said it wasn’t, I merely pointed out that you didn’t ask.” You give him another kiss. 

Robby pulls back and looks at you. “Was it good? Was it worth the wait?” He pauses for a second but then gets it out. “Was it better than with him?” The teasing nature of the first two questions gets watered down with the last. There’s some real insecurity there. Robby just knows the guy you went out with and slept with was fit and closer to your age. 

You smile at him fondly, run your hand up and down his side. “Better than I ever could’ve hoped to imagine, Michael, and trust me I did a lot of imagining over the last four years. So it was more than worth the wait.” You let your hand slide up his chest and neck and cup his face. “And yes, it was better than with him. Because you’re better in bed than him and because you care and because there’s something real here and because I’m more attracted to you. Which I think is something I’m just going to have to show you.” You can both see him blush and feel the heat coming off his cheeks under your hand. “I didn’t mean to ruin it and make you insecure. It was amazing. You were incredible. I’ve never had that good of sex and I’ve never been more attracted to and turned on by a man in my life. I promise.” 

Robby puts his hand over yours and smiles. “You didn’t ruin anything and believe me you weren’t what made me insecure. That’s all self-driven. I just know I’m older and my body is much… different.”

“It is yeah.” You nod, pull your hand from under his and run it down his neck and chest and tummy, lick your lips. “It’s much fucking better.”

He just laughs. “Whatever you say, Kid.” 

“Good, yes. Remember that. Make that your mantra.” You nod as you laugh with him. 

The two of you keep chatting as you wait for him to recover, waiting to be ready to go again. You’re planning on staying the night and neither of you work tomorrow or the next day so you have plenty of time to explore each other. The conversation eventually ends up turning to sex and likes and dislikes and would tries and wheres and whens. 

“How do you feel about shower sex?” You smile at him curiously. 

Robby lets out a soft chuckle. “I feel like I’ve been an emergency room physician too long and know better.” 

“So no?”

He lets out a breath. “It would really depend, but I really doubt it. Not penetrative sex at least. Oral… I think I could be persuaded quite easily.” 

“Oh, good to know.” You flick your eyebrows up at him suggestively. “Bathtub sex?” 

“Sounds great.” He nods. 

“Car sex?”

He lets out a small laugh that reflects the way your question took him a little by surprise. “It would depend on when and where exactly, I suppose. But not a categorical rule out by any means.” 

You make a face of consideration and nod before smirking at him because you know this one is going to pull a reaction. “On-call room sex?” 

“Ha!” Robby lets out a surprised laugh and thinks about for a second, a slight blush creeping up. “I mean I would never say never but I, I don’t know. It’s so, I don’t know. I don’t know.” 

You hum in acknowledgment. “Hospital roof sex?” 

He shakes his head at you and your questions but thinks about it for a second. “Maybe. At the right time. Maybe.”

“Quickie in someone’s bathroom?” 

“Depends.”

“Whiskey dick?” 

“Oh my god,” he laughs under his breath, turning his head into the pillow for a second as a deep blush creeps up his chest and neck to his cheeks. “Not that I can recall, but it’s been a bit since I’ve been inebriated and really tried to do anything.” 

“Okay, so we need to experiment with that. Got it,” you giggle. “Alcohol can make me a little slutty sometimes.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” He reaches out and pinches the side of your ass teasingly. “I’ve seen you get quite drunk before. More than once. I’ve even made sure you got home safely on more than one occasion.”

You grab his hand with yours so he can’t pinch you again. “True,” you sigh. “Such a noble gentleman not taking advantage of me. Not that I’d have minded.” You laugh and Robby just shakes his head at you as he smiles, the corners of his eye crinkling so perfectly. You sit there looking at each other in silence for a bit, your fingers playing with his absent-mindedly. “Remember celebrating my champagne tap?” 

“Of course,” he chuckles. “How could I ever forget the two of us sitting on the hospital roof drinking nice champagne straight out of the bottle with some stale cheez-its we scrounged from the breakroom?” 

“Oh god, those cheez-its were so fucking stale,” you laugh. 

“They were pretty fucking bad.” Robby pulls his hand from yours and cups your cheek this time, growing more serious. “I was so proud of you. First tap and zero red blood cells. I got you good champagne. Normally I just get something cheap. Don’t tell anyone.”

“And here I thought you got me good champagne because you liked me.” You smirk but it fades into a fond smile quickly. “That was one of the best days and best nights of my entire residency.” 

He raises his eyebrows at you. “Yeah?” You nod at him. “Why?” 

“I don’t know.” You shrug. You absolutely know, it’s just hard to explain. “I laughed so hard I cried several times that night. I left feeling human again. Like I was more than just an intern. And you did that. You made me feel like that. And earlier in the day, when we were on shift you made me feel like a doctor for the first time, and a good one at that. There’s not a ton of good vivid memories from residency, but I distinctly remember getting home and thinking how on that one day you’d made me feel like a real doctor for the first time ever and like a real person for the first time since at least before medical school.” 

You look a little misty eyed because it truly was a day and night that meant so much to you. You’ve wanted this man for so long and now that you have him you’re never letting him go. Robby looks at you with the softest smile and devoted eyes, the two of you sharing the moment. You break the silence with a soft chuckle. “If I hadn’t already been down hopelessly bad for you that sure would’ve done it.” 

He laughs through his nose at that, blushes a little. He just can’t believe you’ve wanted him as long as he’s wanted you. “That night is special for me too. It’s one of the best memories I have at the Pitt. Or in general, honestly.” 

“Yeah? Why?”

His answer comes quick but breathtaking in its admission and simplicity. “Because I was just myself and it was enough for you. And I’d never really had that before.” Both your and Robby’s eyes grow glassy. He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t need to. You know what he means. That it was easy and he could be unfiltered and himself and knew he wouldn’t be judged. 

“Michael,” you whisper. You take his hand from your cheek and kiss at his palm and the back of his hand and knuckles before squeezing it and looking at him. “You weren’t just enough, you were more than enough. You’ve always been more than enough. You always will be.” 

You scoot closer and press your bodies together as you kiss him, trying to pour into him how much more than enough he truly is for you. The two of you stay like that, just making out and being close until you have to pull away a bit for some air.

“We should share champagne and stale cheez-its on the roof together more often,” Robby teases, his arm winding around you. 

You smirk at him and raise your eyebrows. “Could do that before the hospital roof sex.” 

“Stop it.” He let out a fake groan and rolls his eyes playfully as he rolls you on your back and hovers over you.

Your smirk grows. “Make me.”

Days pass. They turn into weeks. Weeks turn into a month. 

The seizure you had was due to a sudden spike in your ICP so they did a craniectomy, removed a piece of your skull to help relieve the pressure on your brain and accommodate the swelling. 

You’re not brain dead. You’re in a coma. You’ve been in a coma for over a month now. 

For 41 days. 

41 days without you. 

41 days Robby hasn’t been home. 

Because he can’t bring himself to go home. He can’t face that coffee. Can’t face all of your things that have made their way to his place over time. Can’t face walking in without you. 

Initially he had to fight to be able to stay overnight with you while you were in the neuro-ICU but he was one of the hospital’s own so it hadn’t been a particularly hard fight. Jack and Dana promised one of them would stay the night with you and convinced him to go to Jack’s place a few times to get some real sleep on a real bed. He managed to get one of the nicer cots brought to your room so it isn’t like he’s sleeping in a chair, but still, it’s a cot and he gets woken up during the night when your nurse comes in to check your vitals and look you over every couple of hours. 

He had Jack go to his place to get him clothes and toiletries and your shampoo and conditioner that was in his shower. He gave Jack specific instructions not to touch the coffee on the counter. He had to face that eventually. He had to be the one to deal with it. 

Having any of your stuff at the hospital felt wrong and like tempting fate but once you were cleared to have your head moved enough to deal with your hair, Robby started doing it for you every few days so that it didn’t get matted. He made sure to leave it in a style that would help prevent matting too. He also helped bathe you too, meticulously using a sponge to clean your skin so that when you woke up you wouldn’t feel gross.

There were at least some positives over the 41 days. You hadn’t had another seizure. As far as they could tell you had normal sensation in all your extremities. You had surgery to repair your tripod fracture on day 9 and it had gone fine. The swelling in your brain subsided and your ICP decreased and returned to normal so they were able to do a cranioplasty to put the piece of your skull they had removed back in and remove your drain on day 23. And on day 35 they were able to extubate you and you’ve been breathing fine on your own since then. 

Robby thought that was going to be the turning point. That you’d wake up soon after. But no. You haven’t. It’s getting harder and harder to believe that you will.

He’s still not drinking coffee. It’s either black tea or a Redbull he tries to pace drinking and not just chug. But sometimes he does because the heart palpitations caused by 111 mg of caffeine hitting his system all at once give him something physical to really feel. Something other than the nausea and the tension making him ache all over and pop a concerning amount of ibuprofen.

He listened to Dana. Somewhere around day 10 she told him that he might want to think about going back to work, to save his time off. And so Robby forced himself to go back to work on day 15. He knew she was right, that he’d want the time off when you woke up and really needed him. 

If you woke up.

If you needed him. 

Robby’s still terrified you’re going to wake up and tell him to get out. That he broke up with you and made that bed and he has to go lay in it. That what happened to you doesn’t change anything. That you’ll find other people to help you. He spends just about all of his free time with you despite his worries, only excepting the few times he’s gone to Jack’s to sleep. He has to. He loves you and doesn’t know how to exist in the world without you and this is the only way he can have you right now. 

He also listened to Jack and started therapy. If he’s honest with himself he knows it’s already helping. He can already feel the difference in how he thinks and feels and interacts. Jack and Dana have both commented on it. He’s ready for you to wake up and hopefully see and feel the difference, see that he’s not just willing to work on himself but that he’s actually doing it. He hopes it’ll help you forgive him. 

Robby’s off today so he’s sitting in his chair beside you in your room like he normally does, plays with your fingers absentmindedly as he reads out loud for the both of you. At first he thinks it’s just him imagining things again, because god knows he’s imagined your fingers twitching against his and your hand squeezing his more than once or twice over the last 41 days. 

He always checks though, he always has to. Just in case it’s real. He lets go of your fingers and rests them on the bed. And this is that just in case. Because it’s real. Your fingers are moving.

“Hey.” Robby stands up and leans over you, brushes his thumb over your forehead lightly and takes your hand back, squeezes it. “Can you open your eyes for me, Kid?” 

You don’t, but your fingers twitch in his hand again and he’s sure he can see your eyes moving under your eyelids. He looks over you and sees your other hand moving, your feet too. 

“Come back to me, Kid, yeah?” Robby puts his hand in yours gently. “Can you squeeze my hand? Try for me, hm?”

There’s nothing for a second but then he feels you try to. It’s undoubtedly incredibly weak but it’s still following a command. “That was so good Kid,” Robby praises you, already getting a little teary. “Try to come back to me. Follow my voice.”

Your head moves a little but quickly stills, face pulling up in a slight grimace. “Can you make a fist with your other hand?” He’s desperate for you to open your eyes and talk to him again, but he’ll take this, take you following commands, take knowing you’re in there. 

Robby knows that even if you do open your eyes, there’s no guarantees. No guarantees you’ll recognize him or be able to speak or that your personality will be the same or that you’ll be cognitively the same. But you’ll be awake. He’ll be able to look in your eyes again. 

There’s a little delay again but he watches as you do your best to make your other hand a fist. You don’t get particularly close to an actual fist but you very clearly are trying, are responding to his command. Robby knows he should call your nurse so she can page your doctor but he’s worried if more people come in and you get overwhelmed you’ll stop. 

“Good job, Kid,” he murmurs, squeezing your other hand a little. He lets it go and walks down to the end of your bed, pulls the blankets up a little so your feet are free. “Can you press down with your feet? Like you’re pushing the accelerator?”

After a couple of seconds you do. It’s weak and there’s not a ton of movement but there’s some. There’s some and that’s hope. Hope enough for Robby. 

“Good, that was good. I’m so proud of you.” He pulls the blankets back over your feet and walks back to the head of your bed. “Can you open your eyes now, Kid? Come back to me all the way, hm?”

The words feel a little wrong in his mouth. They have every time he’s asked you to come back to him. Because Robby knows he has absolutely no fucking right to ask you that. Not after the way he spoke to you and treated you. After the last thing he said to you. But he asks anyway. 

“You’ve done so good. I’m right here, okay?” He grabs your hand again. “I’m with you. So open your eyes, yeah? Let me see you, let me see your pretty eyes.” Robby watches as your eyes continue to move behind your eyelids, and he sees your lashes flutter like you’re trying to open your eyes. “Good, that’s good. I know you’re trying for me, thank you. Thank you, Kid. Just keep trying. Come back to me. Open your eyes.”

Your hand squeezes his a little harder than it had previously had and that’s what breaks him, a few tears running down Robby’s face that he’s quick to wipe away. 

“Come on Kid,” his voice is thicker with his tears than he’d like it to be. “You can do it, I know you can. Open your eyes for me. Open your eyes for me, please. Please.” He’s pleading now. 

Robby whispers your name and words of encouragement as he watches your eyes continue to move, lashes continue to flutter, more and more. And then it happens. Your eyes flutter open. It’s for less than a second though as you slam them back shut and pull away, grimacing at the pain. 

It’s too fucking bright and everything fucking hurts. Despite it seeming like you were slowly coming back to, for you it feels like consciousness slams back into you all at once. There’s suddenly so much light even through your eyelids and so many sounds and it smells like Robby and the hospital. You’re hyper aware of whatever it is you’re wearing and the blankets over you. It’s overwhelming. It’s too much. 

Robby laughs through a sob. “Hi Kid.”

You keep trying to get your eyes to stay open but struggle to. You squeeze Robby’s hand and lift one finger, trying to point at the windows. You struggle to process how unbelievably weak you feel. You’ve never felt like this before, where it’s hard to even move a finger. It’s scary. Everything feels so scary right now. You don’t know why you feel like this, aren’t sure where you are. But you know Robby is here with you and that gives you some comfort because you trust him not to let anything happen to you. You know him. Recognize him.

It takes him a second to put it all together, but he moves fast when he does, almost running over to lower the blinds over your windows and dim the room lights. “That better?” He asks as he returns to stand at the top of your bed, slipping his hand back in yours. 

It takes another couple of minutes for you to really get your eyes open and keep them open, in part because you’re trying to acclimate back to awareness, but eventually it comes.

You blink a few times as he comes into focus, your eyes looking around the room a little before landing back on him. He’s smiling at you as tears stream down his face. More fear seeps into you at his tears because you don’t understand why he’s crying. You don’t understand anything right now. “Michael.”

Your voice is nearly unrecognizable with how weak and raw and cracked it is but Robby beams at you. You thought you’d seen him beam at you before but no. He’s never smiled like this at you before. He’s looking at you like you think he might on your wedding day. Like you’re everything to him, the only thing that matters and his whole world and life. It’s contagious and you can’t help but give him a small genuine, but weak, smile back. 

He lets out another sobbed laugh when you smile at him, more tears streaking his face. You calling him Michael gives him hope. That you’ll forgive him and the two of you will be okay and that you’re going to be okay and recover well. That you’ll have the future the two of you have talked about before, marriage, maybe a kid or two running around the house you buy together. 

“Hey, Kid.” He squeezes your hand again and leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead. “I’ve missed you.”

You furrow your brows at that a little as he pulls back. “What?” You start to cough a little and groan a little at the pain. It just makes you more scared.

“Here,” he says quietly when you stop. He puts his hands in the right position on your neck. “Can you swallow?” Focusing on you like this helps his tears stop. 

Getting your brain to execute the task feels harder than the actual act itself but after a few seconds you do without much of a problem. Robby deems it good enough for some small sips of water. He grabs the cup of water he changes every few hours just in case and grabs an empty needleless syringe from his pocket. He draws a bit of the water up and brings the syringe to your mouth. This way he can control how much you’re having at once, yes, but he also doesn’t know if you’re able to use a straw yet and just wants to get you some relief. 

You take the small dispenses of water he gives you greedily, swallow them down without any issue. “There you go,” Robby murmurs as he finishes giving you what’s left in the syringe. 

“Thank you,” you whisper. Your voice is still pretty raw and it hurts to hear far more than he thought it would. He thought he’d feel sheer relief hearing it again, and he does, there is so much relief in hearing your voice. But it’s also partially a reminder of everything that’s happened. “What happened?”

Robby grabs his chair and pulls it back over to the side of your bed and sits. “When you fell you hit your head-”

“When did I fall?” The confusion is clear in your voice. 

Robby’s stomach twists a little, his smile faltering. You don’t remember. It wouldn’t be surprising for you to have some retrograde amnesia, he tells himself. It doesn’t mean it’s permanent. But he needs to know. 

Robby needs to know what the last thing you remember is. In part because that’s where he’ll start telling you what happened and in part because he needs to know if you remember the supply closet. Because now he’s not sure if you called him Michael because you heard him before you had your seizure or because you don’t remember the supply closet.

He clears his throat. “What’s the last thing you remember?” he asks gently. “Don’t strain yourself, just whatever you can think of.” 

You try to think back but it’s hard. It feels like you don’t know how to think in a way, like you can’t get your mind to move out of the present and what’s directly in front of you. 

Robby can see you struggling and prompts you to see if it’ll help. “Do you remember any of the PittFest MCI?”

His prompt helps, gives your brain something to wrap itself around and it slowly feels like you can think again and the memory comes back. “Pedes. After Leah died. I remember sit, sit, sitting and talk, talking with you and then we got up and went back to it.” You’re having some trouble with your speech. It’s not that you can’t think of the words, it’s that you can’t seem to get your mouth to say them how you want. It just makes you more scared. What if it’s always like this? “But nothing after you thank, thanking me and wal-, walk, walking away.” 

You look over at him and shake your head a little despite the increase in pain it causes. “Are you okay?” You start to get a little worked up about it, about whether Robby is okay. Not about yourself. Your focus completely shifts to him. “I’m here for you. We can talk.” You try to reach your hand out for his but your arm doesn’t move the way you want it to. 

It’s just something else that warms and breaks Robby’s heart. Here you are in the hospital having just woken up from a coma with a severe TBI and you’re worried about him. Like really worried and starting to get worked up which your body absolutely doesn’t need right now. 

“Hey, I’m okay.” He gives you a reassuring nod and takes your hand, he saw you trying to move it toward him. “I’m okay, I promise. We can talk eventually, yeah, but right now I’m not worried about that or myself.” 

You calm down a bit hearing that he’s okay. But you know he’s not worried about that or himself because he’s worried about you, and you hate that for a number of reasons. You hate it because it just makes the fear come back into focus. You hate it because you’re making him worry, causing him pain. You hate it because he needs to focus on himself and healing. And you hate it because you don’t understand it, don’t have any idea why he’s worried about you. 

“What happened?” you whisper again. 

Robby takes a deep breath in. You’re calling him Michael because you don’t remember, not because you heard him before you seized and it’s a little sign of forgiveness. You don’t remember him breaking up with you, the way he treated you. A part of him doesn’t want to tell you. Wants to bet on you not remembering that part ever and him getting away with it almost, being able to pretend it didn’t happen. But he knows he can’t. He’d never get over the guilt of lying to you, because it would be a huge lie by omission. 

But Robby also knows he can’t tell you now. Not right now. Not when you just woke up. Because he can’t risk you getting escalated and the additional strain it would put on your body. In a day or so. He’ll tell you in a day or so he promises himself and you. 

“We’re not entirely sure. After the MCI you were walking home and we think you got punched from the side and fell backwards and hit the side of your head on the curb. It was probably a mugging, your backpack and phone were missing.” He squeezes your hand gently. “You were down for a while but once you were found you got brought here and Jack got you stable. Longitudinal basilar skull fracture, depressed skull fracture along your left parietal and temporal. Massive subdural hematoma, tripod fracture on your right. Some cuts and bruises, broken nose, you had a cut on your face that needed stitches. Jack made sure Plastics did it. Stitches are out already. Obviously you had surgery to evacuate the hematoma. You woke up briefly, for just a few seconds, and then seized from high ICP. Craniectomy, cranioplasty. They got your tripod fixed. Stitches and staples are all out.”

You look away from Robby while you try to take all of that in. Your head is swimming. On the one hand you’re relieved you know what all that shit means still given the severity of your TBI. And it explains the weakness you feel, why your head hurts, why Robby is worried, why he did a quick swallow test, why you’re struggling to get some words out, why you felt like you couldn’t think and your apparent retrograde amnesia. On the other though, holy fuck it’s a lot to take in. Hearing everything you went through feels like more than your injured brain can handle or process. 

That last part sticks out to you though. All the stitches and staples are out. That means time has passed. A decent chunk of it. 

You look back at Robby and swallow hard, think to yourself it’s a good sign that you can. “How long?” you whisper. 

You recognize his furrowed brows, crinkled sad eyes and frown for what they are, sympathy, an indicator of hard news to come. But a part of you can’t help but feel like it’s a look of pity. Like he’s here because he feels bad for you. “You were out for two days initially. After you seized… 41 days.”

You knew it was going to be long from his expression, but you didn’t expect a month and a half. “Oh my god,” you gasp quietly. “Michael, that’s so long.” 

Your pained and horrified expression kills him. More and more pieces of him are breaking off inside and he feels it, feels each one. He can only hope that there’s enough good in your recovery for them to heal back over. 

But the second you start crying he does again too. “I know, Kid,” he whispers. “I know, I’m so sorry.” He stands back up and gently wipes away some of your tears. “Can I kiss you? Please?” His eyes tell you just how badly he needs you to say yes, how he’s been sitting here for that month and a half needing to kiss you, needing to see your eyes and hear your voice. 

“Yeah,” you sniffle and he helps wipe away more tears. “Please.”

He gives you a watery smile before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to your lips that you’re finally able to reciprocate. It’s more than one. You knew it would be and you’re glad it is, you need to feel close to him. It’s like your body and mind missed him, missed the way his lips felt against yours as you kissed him back, is still missing the feeling of cuddling with him and sleeping in his arms and hugging him. It brings tears to your eyes but you’re too tired to cry. After at least a dozen kisses Robby rests his forehead against yours. “I love you. I’m not just saying that because of all of this. I’ve been in love with you for a while now, I just never found the courage to say it.” 

His admission catches you off guard, his words so unexpected. But it warms your heart, makes butterflies flutter in your stomach and your chest tighten in a good way. He pulls away to look at you, his stomach in knots about whether you’ll reciprocate. “I love you too. Have for a while now.” The smile you give him is weak but genuine and it has him beaming at you. 

“Good,” he whispers before leaning back in for another few kisses. 

You turn your head to the side a little after a few. “I’m sorry but I… I’m really tired Michael.” You want to say more, want to ask him to get in bed but the exhaustion has hit and words and speaking suddenly feel so hard and your brain hurts. So you don’t. You can’t.

“I’m sure you are, just get some rest, okay?” He pulls his head away and smiles at you. He’s glad your eyes are already closed because he wouldn’t be able to even try to fake a reassuring smile right now. The terror he feels at you going back to sleep and slipping back into a coma has to be written all over his face. “I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.” 

You don’t reply, have already drifted off. Robby calls your nurse and lets her know you woke up, asks her to send your doctor in. She does and Robby and your doctor discuss you, what you were like, what Robby observed. Ultimately they decide to let you rest and not wake you for more tests. 

It’s a few hours later when you shift on the bed more than you have before. Robby can tell it’s a similar movement to what you do sometimes when you wake up at home so he stands from his chair and squeezes your hand gently. 

After a moment or so your eyes open again, find him quickly. “Michael.” It’s truly croaked out.

Everything is too much as you return to consciousness. Too bright and too loud and you can feel everything touching you, all the fabric and plastic tubing and wires. You recognize it as a hospital. 

“Hey, I’m here,” he smiles at you. “How are you feeling?”

“Weak. Where…” You take a couple of heavy breaths as you look around the room, brows furrowing and lips pulling down. “Why am I in the hospital? What happened?”

You’re scared. The room doesn’t reveal any clues about why you’re here. All you know is your head hurts, everything seems to hurt and moving any part of you feels like pushing a boulder around. You’re so weak you can barely get a hand into your lap from where it rested on the bed. And Robby, he was happy when you woke up but you could see the concern in his brown eyes, could see his own worry and knew it was for you. 

Robby stiffens, heart starting to slip into his stomach, a feeling of dread settling in even though he knows some anterograde amnesia wouldn’t be the end of the world and would likely go away. “What do you mean?”

You look back over at him with that same expression, eyes widening a little as the fear and panic set in, his frightened look only making it worse. “What happened?” 

“You don’t remember us talking about this earlier?” He tries to keep his voice steady and calm because he can see how scared you’re growing.

Your chin trembles and tears start to slide down your cheeks. “No.”

“Okay, okay, that’s okay. It’s okay to not remember right now.” He’s able to set aside his concern at this development to reassure and comfort you, hiding his own fear well enough that his smile is actually helping reassure you. He wipes some tears from your face again. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll tell you what happened.” 

He repeats the story, tells you how long it’s been. But this time you don’t focus on that as your head spins. You’re too caught up on the fact that you and Robby apparently had this conversation before. 

“And now I can’t rem, re, remem,” you huff, frustrated with yourself and your inability to get the word out easily, “remember.” 

Robby nods. “The anterograde amnesia could be temporary. So could your retrograde amnesia. Mostly likely they both will be temporary. What’s the last thing you can remember? Don’t push yourself, just whatever you can remember.”

You try to remember, try to do what he asks. But your brain doesn’t seem to know how to think, doesn’t know where to begin. It hurts trying to remember, and feeling like you’re unable to think scares you into shutting down this time. “I don’t know and think, thinking is hard. I…”

“Okay, it’s okay.” He’s still smiling at you, can tell you won’t be receptive to a prompt this time. “We don’t need to worry about that right now. You should get some more rest, okay? Let your brain rest.”

You try to squeeze his hand lightly, get enough pressure behind it for him to notice and glance down at your hands, his smile widening. “What if I don’t remember?”

Robby looks back up at you. “Then I’ll tell you again, I promise.” 

“You shouldn’t have to,” you whisper. 

“Not about should or shouldn’t, Kid.” He kisses your forehead, hopes the gesture will feel familiar and comforting. “If that’s part of how you need me right now then that’s part of how I’m going to help you.” 

You look over at the window. He pulled the blinds back up when it got dark. He likes staring out of it sometimes. There’s something vaguely soothing about looking out and down on the city. “I don’t want to sleep.”

“Okay,” he nods, watching you get lost looking out the window. “I’m going to get your doctor, okay?”

You hum at him in response. Robby’s able to tell your nurse you’re awake again but resting and gets told your doctor is in an emergency surgery but will be by as soon as he can. Robby wants to keep talking to you, wants to have you talking to him but he knows you need to rest your brain so he sits quietly with you, strokes the back of your hand with his thumb. 

If asked you wouldn’t be able to describe how it happens or when exactly it started to happen. Twenty or so minutes after you woke up looking out the window grows unfamiliar, your surroundings suddenly new again. You look around the room, recognize it as a hospital room. Recognize Robby sitting next to you as you look at him. “Michael?” 

“Yeah, Kid?” Robby’s heart sinks further. He knows what you’re about to ask, recognizes the all too familiar look of confusion and panic in your eyes. You haven’t even slept. You were awake and it just slipped away from you. 

His expression has your heart mirroring his and sinking. It feels vaguely like you shouldn’t need to ask, like you should know already. But you don’t and you’re scared not knowing or understanding anything or what’s going on right now so you have to ask. 

“Why am I here? What happened?” 

“Do I finally get to know where it is you’re taking me so that I can dress appropriately?” You ask Robby as you open the door to your closet. 

“Jeans and a shirt will be more than fine.” He motions to himself. “Look at what I’m wearing.” 

“Michael,” you whine a little. “That’s unhelpful. Like a t-shirt or are we talking a blouse or something even a bit fancier than that? And I just want to know. Why the big surprise?”

“A t-shirt will be okay. You could do a blouse if you wanted but you don’t need to.” He stands from the edge of your bed and walks up to you, wrapping his arms around you. “And it’s a surprise because I enjoy teasing you,” he murmurs. “But if you don’t put some clothes on over your bra and underwear soon you’re never going to find out what the surprise is because we won’t make it out the door.”

You swallow hard at his words and Robby’s able to watch your eyes widen as you contemplate his last sentence. “Fine,” you huff, “I’ll just get dressed with no information and hope I don’t end up looking ridiculous!”

Robby chuckles as he lets you step out of his arms and into your closet. “I promise you will not end up looking ridiculous.”

“Famous last words,” you deadpan at him. 

The date starts with dinner at a casual restaurant in the city. 

“Jake asked for my PittFest pass earlier today so he could take Leah instead.” Robby shakes his head at you. You guys are at your table sipping drinks and waiting on your food. 

“Oof,” you say with a sympathetic and somewhat teasing smile. “Ten days away and he wants the girlfriend over the stepdad. That’s rough.”

Robby shrugs it off. “It’s all good. I was a teenage boy once. I get it.” 

You nod at him, growing a little nervous. When he made plans to go to Pittfest you said you were okay working that day. That day. “What are you going to do to keep yourself occupied?” You try to keep it casual.

“Work,” Robby says simply, like it’s not a big deal at all. You raise your eyebrows and tilt your head, mouth opening a little. He shakes his head. “Don’t look at me like that. I have to face the day eventually.” 

“I mean, no,” you shake your head at him, “you don’t. It can just be a day you don’t work. In perpetuity.”

He keeps shaking his head. “I don’t want it to be.” 

You can tell he doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, doesn’t want to talk about this ever really, but much less while on a date with you. He doesn’t even have to ask for you to stop and move on. You just read it on him. And you respect it, nodding at him. “Okay.”

“Thank you.” He gives you a small smile. “For not making it a thing right now.” 

“Of course.” You return his smile. You both turn your heads to look at your waiter as he sets your food down and tells you to enjoy. 

“Okay,” you clear your throat as you and Robby walk out of the restaurant. “Where to next?”

Robby grabs your hand and laces your fingers together. “This way.” He nods his head to the right. 

You give him a look. “You’re not going to tell me are you?”

He smirks and bobs his head a little while he speaks. “I’ll let the establishment’s sign tell you.”

You snort a laugh. “The establishment’s sign?” You bump your hip with his as you stop at a crosswalk and wait for the light to turn green. Cars race by but there aren’t any other pedestrians near you. “Sometimes I forget just how old you are and then you remind me.”

Robby scoffs but smiles. He stoops down to your level, something you normally hate when he does. But the smirk that has pulled up as he stooped makes it hot. “Yeah,” he leans in so you can feel his breath on your lips, drops his voice low “and you fucking love it. Get all worked up about how much you love my body and crow’s feet and how hot it is that I’m going gray everywhere. So yes,” he closes the distance between your lips and gives you a searing kiss that’s made all the better by how shocked you are that he’s kissing you like this in public. “I’ll let the establishment’s sign tell you.” 

You’re wired for him as you think about what he just said and how he said it, the physicality of it. “What if the establishment was one of our apartments?”

He laughs as he tugs you along gently when the light turns. “Yeah, we’ll get there eventually, Kid. Don’t you worry about that.” 

You nearly stop walking in the middle of the street at the insinuation. “Does that mean you have like… bedroom plans for us?”

Robby glances down at you, a smirk ghosting his lips. “Oh, I have a plan or two in mind for you, yeah.”

You swallow hard. “Okay, so, see, I just really think that your apartment should be the next establishment.”

He shakes his head at you and the two of you continue to walk.  

“Pins?” You look at the sign as Robby slows in front of the building.

“Yeah,” he nods, “you ever been?”

“No, but it’s been on the list of places to go.” You smile brightly at him, excited to finally get to try the place. “I was trying to get a group from work to come here because who else was I going to go with, you know? Just never happened.”

“Well good, I’m glad to know you’ve wanted to try it.” Robby opens the door and holds it for you. 

“Have you been?”

Robby nods. “I took Jake once when it first opened a couple of years ago. I remembered they had shaved ice cocktails and immediately thought of you and knew I had to take you. So here we are.” 

A heavy dose of butterflies hit your stomach. He thought of you. You know he probably does a lot just like you do about him, but hearing him say it is different. You stop walking and turn so that you and Robby are chest to chest. “It’s very sweet of you to think of me like that.”

You push your lips out for a kiss that Robby happily gives you, basking in how happy and excited you look to be here. “Where would you like to start,” he nods to cut you off as you start to answer preemptively, “after we get you a shaved ice cocktail?”

“Mmmm,” you hum as you look around. “Well, that depends on how competitive you’d like to be Dr. Robinavitch.” 

“Oh it’s Dr. Robinavitch now that things are getting competitive, is it?” he laughs. 

“Does the deflecting mean you’re scared to go up against me in anything here?” you grin slyly. 

“Not at all, Kid. We can start however competitive you’d like. I’ll win whatever it is.” Robby gives you a matching grin as he grabs a drinks menu and hands it to you. You roll your eyes at him affectionately and tell him which drink you’d like with a please and he orders them and pays. “Thoughts on what’s first?” Robby asks as he hands you your shaved ice cocktail. 

You’re still looking around. “Yeah, I’m trying to figure out which things I really want to do and then order them from most to least difficult to do while tipsy. Probably anything requiring movement we should do first so we don’t even risk injury because I’ll be very annoyed if we end up at work tonight. So duckpin bowling, bocce, ping pong. The arcade games and pinball are far more stationary.”

“You’re very smart, you know that?” 

You stare at him for a second. You’re not good with compliments most of the time, especially about your intelligence. “I’m saving us both and just going to ignore that question.” You immediately take a bite of your shaved ice and decide as you finish it. “Let’s start with bocce. Something nice and competitive.” 

“Alright, Kid, but don’t get mad when you lose,” Robby challenges.

“Please Robinavitch,” you snort and roll your eyes at him teasingly. “My ball handling skills are far superior to yours.”

You’re both quite tipsy later in the evening when you see the photobooth. All being tipsy does is augment how you feel about each other when you’re sober and has you showing it more in the way you look at each other, has you both giggly.

“Michael, look! Let’s take photos!” You point to it, grabbing his hand and pulling him along.

He chuckles at your enthusiasm and pays on the side of the machine before literally folding himself in the photobooth with you. “Okay, so what poses do you want?” 

“Just whatever,” you giggle. 

“Just whatever?”

“Yeah, whatever we happen to be doing when it takes. Look at the camera Michael!” You pull at his shirt to get him in frame with you. 

Once you’re done you leave the booth and wait for the strips to print, he’d gotten two, one for each of you. You grab them and then spot a bench and walk over to sit on it while you look at them, Robby right behind you.

You get five photos. The first is both of you looking at the camera, the second Robby looking at you, the third you looking at Robby, the fourth you kissing and the fifth you looking at each other. You both look drunk on love and each other in every single one. Your feelings for each other are nearly palpable just through the photo paper. You look like you’ve been together for years, not a couple days shy of four months. 

“Aw, they’re so cute! It’s perfect! I’m hanging mine right in the center of my fridge.” You hand Robby his copy and watch his face light up as he looks at each photo. “What’re you going to do with yours?”

“Keep it in my wallet.” He winks at you. 

“That’s very, very sweet, Michael. Very old school. I like it.” You lean into him and kiss his cheek. “I want you to know that I was going to tease you very dirtily right then, but I controlled myself.” 

“Oh yeah?” he smirks, “what were you going to say?”

“You said ‘keep it in my wallet’ and winked at me and I immediately thought, oh so jacking off in the on-call room is okay, but sex in the on-call room is where you draw the line,” you giggle, very pleased with yourself. 

He chuckles and shakes his head at you. “That is not why I’m going to keep it in my wallet, nor is it why I winked at you.” You look at him with feigned disbelief. “I just like the idea of having a photo of you in my wallet and this fits in the billfold and I winked because I knew you were going to make some comment including the word old.”

“Well shit,” you let out a long breath. “I’m getting predictable.”

“Believe me, Kid, predictable is one of the last ways I would describe you,” Robby laughs. “You have no idea just how on my toes you keep me.”

You lean in close to him. “Yeah, but you love it,” you breathe against his lips. You smirk as you pull away and stand up, ready to head back into the arcade. “Keeps you young.” You wink at him. 

It takes about five days for the anterograde amnesia to go away. The longest five days of your life. Robby had eventually written everything down on a little notecard for you to read when you forgot what happened and why you were in the hospital. He didn’t mind telling you, at all, but he could see how much you hated having to ask. All sorts of therapies start that week. Speech, physical, occupational. You get moved out of the neuro-ICU to just neuro. More scans are done, a recovery plan drawn up. 

Now at least you can remember the plan and why you’re in the hospital and why you’re doing all these different therapies. You’re still struggling with some words, have trouble pronouncing them or getting them out. You haven’t gotten to relearning to walk yet, you’re still bed bound for the most part. 

Robby is there with you for all of it and sometimes you can’t decide if you like that or not. It’s not about him but about how all of this makes you feel and how having him see you like this makes you feel. Because it’s nice having your boyfriend help you with various exercises, nice to have him being the one moving your legs and arms and helping you stretch, to know he cares enough to be involved. But it’s also embarrassing, having him see you like this, having to watch him do it and know that he knows how weak you are, how much you can’t do for yourself, how much you’ve lost. You know that’s just you and how you feel and that Robby doesn’t care, that he wants to be here doing this all with you and thinks you’re strong for it all. 

Now that it’s been a day and a half since you started forming new memories and he’s convinced the anterograde amnesia has resolved, Robby knows it’s time. Your retrograde amnesia hasn’t resolved much, you still can’t remember much past walking away from him when you left pedes. So he has to tell you about the supply closet now, no matter how much he doesn’t want to. No matter how terrified he is. 

He’s not sure what he’s going to do if you kick him out, if you never want to see or speak to him again. He knows it won’t be that simple, that it’s not going to be a black and white thing where you’re either okay or you’re done. But it wouldn’t surprise him if you wanted space from him. Robby hates himself for it but he would struggle to give it to you. You don’t realize it but you’re part of what’s holding him together right now. Yes, therapy is helping him, but having you in his life, both in general and to focus on your recovery, is helping him keep it together and not spin out. You’re his reason to hold on and stay grounded and here. You give him purpose. 

“I really hate this,” you mutter as you keep repeating the physical therapy exercises they’d given you to help you with moving your arms. You can move them normally for the most part but it’s hard and they’re weak and sometimes it’s not quite completely normal at all and occasionally you just can’t. Everything about you is a work in progress right now. You hate that too.  

“I know, I’m sorry. You should take a break though, the line between pushing yourself productively and exhausting yourself so that it’s ultimately unproductive is fine.” He looks at you over the top of his glasses from where he’s sitting and reading in his chair. 

You roll your eyes playfully even though it hurts a little. “I think you just want me to be done so that you can come get in bed and have cuddles.” You give him an impish grin. 

He smiles and shakes his head at you, takes off his glasses and sets his paper aside. He’s not ready to lose this. The relative normality of your relationship. Your happiness and affection. Robby realizes he’s not ready to break your heart. Again. To have to spell out for you how he did the first time.

You stop your exercises, focus on moving yourself over in bed but Robby stops you. “Not quite yet, okay? I have something I need to tell you first.”

You furrow your eyebrows together and cock your head at him. You can already feel the panic rising. “What’s wrong?” 

As he moves his chair closer to your bedside again your mind whirls through what it is he could need to to tell you. Maybe he’s done with this. With you. With how much work you are right now. It would make sense, you’d understand it. It has pretty much taken up most of his life and it’s not like he’s getting much back from you right now. You try to be there for him emotionally, try to listen when he needs to talk. 

But he hasn’t been talking a tremendous amount about how he’s doing and how this is making him feel. And you’re sure in part he feels like he can’t because he thinks it’ll add stress to you and in part when is he supposed to talk to you? You’re in physical and speech and occupational  therapy for large portions of the day and still get tired pretty easily so you’re frequently napping after. 

And on the physical side you have very little to offer him other than kisses and cuddling in bed. You know he doesn’t give a shit about that side of things and that he’d never leave you because you couldn’t do much physically, but it still crosses your mind. 

Robby sits down and looks at you. The look of concern and rising panic on your face is what gives him the ability to just jump right into telling you. “After pedes, and after the MCI was over, Langdon and I had it out in the ambulance bay. He threw me being on the floor in pedes in my face. I… I assumed it was you who had told him. So I found you and dragged you into the supply closet and I,” he shakes his head, looks away from you even though he knows he shouldn’t. “I was awful to you. Truly fucking awful. And I regret it constantly.” Robby pauses. “Is this bringing back anything for you?” 

“No,” you whisper, still looking at him even if he won’t look at you. 

“Okay, I just wanted to check.” He takes in a deep breath and lets it out. This is going to be the hardest part. Telling you what he did. Having to confront it for himself even though he spends a significant portion of each day thinking about it. It’s different having to tell you. 

“I said I couldn’t fucking believe you and asked how you could betray me like that. By gossiping about me. I told you that there were a lot of people I’d expect to gossip about it or could see doing so but never did I think you would.” Robby finally looks up at you. “You had no fucking idea what I was talking about because you didn’t gossip. You didn’t tell anyone. And I yelled at you about that, about you pretending to not know what I was talking about because I was convinced you did know, that you had done it. I told you that you were trying to be the victim. I finally said I’d spell it out for you and told you that I knew you told Langdon or someone about what happened in pedes. You tried to speak and tell me that you knew I wasn’t going to believe you but that you didn’t talk to anyone about pedes and never would.”

“I wouldn’t.” You’re still whispering but it’s emphatic, almost pleading. Because as much as it’s hurting you to hear all of this you still want him to know. Need him to. 

“I know. I knew.” He nods his head. This next part is going to hurt. You can tell by the way he pulls away from you, like he needs distance to cushion the pain he’s about to inflict, on you and himself. “I cut you off and asked how else Langdon would’ve known.” He swallows thickly. “And then I broke up with you.” 

“What?” It’s whispered so quietly he barely hears the question. Your tears are spilling down your face the second they hit your eyes. You hadn’t been holding hands but you pull your hand away from the side of the bed he’s sitting by. This isn’t what you expected him to need to talk to you about. You could never have fathomed it, you’re not sure you can. Part of you wonders if you’re dreaming or maybe hallucinating, part of you hopes for either of those. But you know neither is true. It gets hard to breathe. 

Robby nods at you, looks like he’s at war with himself, chin trembling and eyes full of self-loathing. A few tears slip down his face and he sniffles hard. “I told you we were done because I’d never be able to trust you again. I said that we had waited all this time, that I had waited all this time and you threw it all away before we hit six months. I asked why, told you I didn’t understand.” 

You let out a small sob and the sound kills Robby. He hates it when you cry. It’s even worse when it’s because of him. You try to keep it together but you can’t, the thought of him breaking up with you and not being here too much for you to compartmentalize and keep inside.

“And then I finally let you talk. And you were so you about it,” he laughs out a small sob. “You were so much more than I deserved in that moment, treated me far better than I deserved. You said you knew I wasn’t interested in listening to you but that you didn’t and would never tell anyone about pedes. You told me you loved me and that you hadn’t told me because you felt like I wasn’t ready to hear it or say it or that maybe you misread things and I didn’t or don’t love you.” He shakes his head because it was and is so untrue. He did and does love you, you hadn’t misread anything.

“You said you were proud of me for pulling it together in pedes and that one day you hoped I’d find out you were telling the truth and didn’t say anything to anyone.” Robby swallows down a sob. “And then you said you loved me. Past tense. That you were proud of me and I should be proud of myself through all my hurt. You ended with Michael, by saying my name. But I didn’t take anything in. I just told you no. That you weren’t allowed to call me Michael or even Robby. That I was Dr. Robinavitch to you. And then I left you in the supply closet. You ended up leaving the hospital and you called me, as you were walking home. And I didn’t answer. Deliberately. And if I had maybe none of this would’ve happened.” 

You feel sick, have to look away, not because of what he just said, because of all of it. You don’t blame him for what happened, even if he didn’t answer your calls. It’s a lot to hear at once. He broke up with you. What does that even mean for right now? You don’t even remember. He could have just not told you but he did and even in your haze that sticks out to you. 

When you pull your eyes from his and don’t say anything Robby continues. “I didn’t bring it up while you were still struggling with the anterograde amnesia because I didn’t want you to have to experience whatever emotions this brings up more than once. I didn’t want to keep putting you through that. Genuinely. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you.” He wants to reach out and take your hand, squeeze it reassuringly but he knows you don’t want that right now. “I’m telling you now that you can remember because not telling you felt like a lie, and I just thought you needed to know. So that you could decide what you wanted to do, if you want me to stay or go, how this changes things, if it does.” 

You’re quiet for a moment as you fight through all of your thoughts and then shake your head slowly. “I don’t know,” you say softly and shake your head. Because you don’t. You don’t know what to say or think or do. You’re not super sure what exactly your brain is even doing with all this information at the moment. It feels like it’s just there.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. How much I hate myself for it. For all of it. For speaking to you how I did, for what I said, for not listening to you and for thinking you would betray me. There’s no excuse. Not a single one. It doesn’t matter how bad the day was and where I was at mentally. I am so sorry, Kid. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and earning back your trust.” Robby can’t bring himself to offer to leave if that’s what you need, to say that he’d understand if you needed him to go. He would. But he doesn’t want his suggestion to prompt you into asking him to leave or kicking him out because he’s not sure he’d survive having to leave you.

You’re quiet as you try to process or do something with everything Robby’s just told you. You bring your hand to your face slowly and wipe some tears away as you try to get rid of some of the big hiccuped breaths that slip out. 

You finally look back at him. “So we weren’t even… a couple? When this happened?”

“No,” he shakes his head and sniffles, “not technically.” 

“But we are one now?” 

“I,” Robby pauses. He’s not sure if he knows. In his mind you are. But he knows that for the last week he was able to just kind of pretend the supply closet breakup didn’t happen. That’s not true anymore and he doesn’t know where that leaves the two of you. Because right now you’re you before it happened. And so he doesn’t know what happens to the you he broke up with who believed you were broken up. He doesn’t know what happens to that conversation, if it still exists in a sense. If it still happened between the two of you. It’s so intangible and hard to wrap his non-injured brain around so he can just imagine what it’s like for you. And on top of it you can’t even remember. 

“I don’t know. I want us to be. In my mind we are. But I guess I don’t really know if we are. There’s a version of you in there who thinks we aren’t together. But she’s not here and so I don’t know how it works with you not remembering. I don’t know how it works now that I’ve told you.” He lets out a breath. “I guess it’s kind of up to you, Kid.”

“Oh, I…” You shake your head but grow quiet again, your tears having at least stopped. This entire conversation, everything Robby has told you, it’s all way the fuck too much for your brain right now. It’s hurting you. Emotionally, yes, obviously. But physically too. Your brain and head literally hurt as they search for where to even begin to try to make sense of and process this. It’s a scary feeling, not feeling like you can’t really control your mind. 

Your silence gets to Robby. He desperately needs to know how you’re feeling, where you’re at. If you still love him. He knows it’s selfish and that this isn’t about him and how he feels but he can’t help himself right now.

“Can I ask,” he breaks the silence, interrupts your spiral which you’re kind of grateful for. “Do you um, do you still love me? You went from love to loved when we were talking in the supply closet. So I was just wondering if you do.”

You nod slightly. “I… This is… Yes. I do. The me here with you now, of course I do. But I don’t remember, Michael. I’m sorry. I don’t know if the me you left in the supply closet… I don’t know if that me meant to say loved or if it was an accident. I don’t know.”

“But even knowing right now? You still do?” He looks shattered at even just the thought that you might not.

“Yeah. I love you, Michael. I do. The love I have for you, the way I love you, it doesn’t just go away like that, over one thing. And I don’t know for sure but, I’m me before the supply closet thing I guess and I don’t think that would have made me just abruptly stop loving you even after the supply closet. It doesn’t work like that.” You can see the relief ease some of the tension in his body and you’re glad for it. He’s too tense normally and you hate the thought of him being more tense because of you, even with what you just learned. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. “I love you too. I love you so fucking much, you have no idea. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry the way I treated you didn’t reflect that. Because I loved you then too, of course. I’m sorry, I’m really fucking sorry.”

“I know you are, and I accept your apology right now.” You look away from him for a second and let out a breath before returning your gaze to his. “But Michael I’m going to be honest, I don’t know how to feel really. I think I know how I should feel, but it’s hard to when I’m just hearing about it. I don’t remember how I felt or what exactly happened and what it was like and I don’t know what it means for us right now. It’s hard and it’s all hurting my brain right now, so can we just… not talk about it for now? I’m sorry. I know that’s unfair to you. I’m just getting really tired and feel like everything’s being pulled from under me a little. Do you want to go? Is that part of why you told me? To make me tell you to go?”

“God no. No. Absolutely fucking not. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want you to tell me to go anywhere. The thought of that is terrifying. I would understand if you needed me to, but no,” he shakes his head in emphasis, “I don’t want to go anywhere. Ever. I never want to leave your side ever again. I want to be here with you, be your boyfriend and take care of you.”

You can’t deal with this anymore right now. With trying to sort out your thoughts and feelings about it all. It’s too much for your brain. You feel too alone even though Michael is right next to you. You just want him. To feel him and be with him and have it all be okay and for none of this to be happening. 

“Okay. Good.” You start to shift over in bed a little bit. “I just can’t right now, with this, it’s too much. Can you just get into bed please? I just want to rest on you, if that’s okay? I feel very alone with you in the room and I hate that feeling, so can we just… be together in bed right now?”

“Of course, Kid.” He’s quick to stand and push the chair back, help you move over in bed and climb in next to you. It’s like he’s worried you’re going to change your mind before he has the chance to hold you. 

The two of you settle into one of the positions you’ve found to work well. You rest your head on his chest and close your eyes, focus on the repetitive beat of his heart, the way his warmth seeps into you wherever you’re touching, how his scent overwhelms you, how his hand feels rubbing up and down your back, how he kisses the top of your head over and over. How loved he makes you feel. 

“I love you Michael,” you whisper as you flirt heavily with sleep. 

Robby smiles to himself, gives the top of your head another kiss. “I love you too, Kid. Just rest now.”

You do. You rest on him a lot the next couple of days. Eventually you find some words and the two of you talk a little more about what happened. It’s hard to figure out, to decide what you are or aren’t. It’s hard for you to figure out how to heal from what happened in the supply closet, both individually and as a couple, how to move on from it, and how to work through it together when you don’t remember it. How can you process or heal from or move on from or work through something you can’t remember? Robby telling you just isn’t the same. 

Even after you talk and say you’re together and going to work through what happened, it doesn’t quite feel real. The reality you both come to accept is that it’s extremely difficult to work on repairing and healing a relationship while basically living in a hospital. Everything is artificial. You’re together all the time. There is routine but not true normalcy. 

There are moments of happiness, yes, but it doesn’t seem to stay. There are moments where things really do feel like they used to, where they feel like how things were before any of this. There are moments where it gets close to that feeling and seems like you’re working your way back there, like you’re healing. And there are moments where you just feel like two people who used to be together sitting in a room and awkwardness infests the silence in a way it hasn’t between the two of you ever before.

It’s like there’s something between the two of you preventing you from really feeling like you’re together and it’s hard to know what exactly it is. If it’s what happened in the supply closet or if it’s because you’re at a hospital and so you’re relationship is almost stunted in a way, you can’t be a totally normal couple here, there’s no privacy, you can’t go on dates, you’re still recovering, or if it’s something totally unrelated, or if it’s you struggling with how to do anything about something you don’t remember, or if it’s the depression that’s starting to settle in you. 

Because settle it does. 

Nobody is surprised when it seems to blanket you almost overnight. In the beginning, once you got over how you looked physically and accepted your injury and your new reality, you had been happy to see people and chat and have visitors. It made you feel good, made things seem a little better getting to laugh and smile with people. And then pretty much overnight that stopped. And now it doesn’t anymore. Now almost nothing makes you feel good anymore. You just exist. Spend your days counting down the minutes until you can go back to sleep. 

You pull away and revert into yourself, block nearly everyone out. Absolutely no visitors with the exceptions of Robby, Jack and Dana. You don’t want to see anyone. You don’t even let people in your room just to turn them away. Robby stops them at the door. You don’t respond to texts. You ask Robby not to tell anyone anything about you or where you are with your recovery, even if they ask. 

You let Dana and Jack visit, but that’s for Robby really because it’s not fair of you to cut him off from the world just because you want to cut yourself off from it, and you know he wouldn’t leave you to go talk with them elsewhere. So you let them visit. You don’t say much when they’re visiting, mostly you just let the three or two of them chat and look out your window or drift in and out of sleep. 

You don’t pull that far away from Robby in that you let him be around, still want him to be around. But you barely talk to him a lot of the time. You don’t react when something goes well in physical or occupational or speech therapy. He’s worried you’re going to slowly stop wanting to even do them. That you’re going to slide from this kind of sadness to apathy where you just don’t care what happens to you, don’t feel like working on anything. 

Robby hates it, you feeling like this and his inability to fix it. It’s hard to see you this depressed. But he’s going to stay with you through it. Your struggle with depression isn’t going to push him anywhere. He knows this is a part of your recovery.  

He knows there’s only so much you’re able to give him right now and for the most part he accepts that, is okay with it, doesn’t push you for more, something both of you know he’s learning and working on in his therapy. He takes whatever you’re able to give and holds onto it, holds on to each rare little smile he pulls from you, each time you reach out to hold his hand, each time you pat the bed for him to get in, each time you kiss him. Each time you tell him you love him. 

That type of depression is where you’re at about ten days after Robby told you about what happened in the supply closet. Your memory still hasn’t returned. You know that’s normal but you hate it. It’s difficult in general to cope with not being able to remember, but it’s made all the worse by knowing that your inability to remember is playing a role in the strain between you and Robby. You feel like if you could just remember what happened and how it made you feel then you’d be able to actually truly start to work through it and move on. But you can’t. You can’t remember. 

You’re having a very good day for you, physically and emotionally. You and Robby are cuddled together in your hospital bed together watching the TV show you started binging recently. You chat sometimes as you watch, even flirt with him a little and laugh. It doesn’t feel like that thing is there between you right now and while you both know it’s unlikely, you’re still praying you’ve finally turned some corner. Robby swears you’ve said more words to him all of today than you have all of the last ten days combined. He’s high on the sound of your voice and laugh. 

Both of you are particularly irritated when there’s a knock on your door. 

“No,” you say immediately as you pause the show. “Not unless it’s Jack or Dana.” 

“Alright, Kid. I’ll be right back.” He lingers for just a second and you know what he’s waiting for, waiting to see if you’ll offer. You tilt your head up at him and push your lips out. Robby’s face lights up as he leans down and steals a couple of kisses from you before getting out of bed and going to the door. 

“Sorry, not up for-” Robby cuts himself off when he gets the door open enough to see that it’s not someone either of you know. 

“Dr. Robinavitch? They said you’d be up here with her.” Robby nods and the guy introduces himself as the detective investigating your assault. “Can I speak with her?” 

“Um.” Robby rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, I don’t think now is really a great time. Her memory of the assault hasn’t come back either, so I don’t know what she’d be able to tell you.”

The guy gives Robby a tight smile. “Well then she can tell me that herself.” 

Robby lets out a single dry laugh. “She’s not up for visitors right now.” 

“I’m not just a visitor. I’m the detective trying to find the person who assaulted her and put her in the hospital.” He cocks his head at Robby. “So why don’t you go ask her if she’ll entertain me for a few minutes.”

Robby senses it’s probably going to be easier and get the guy out quicker if you tell him you don’t remember yourself. “Wait here.”

You’re confused why it’s taking Robby so long to get rid of whoever it is. You have no idea who would try to be pushing their way in this hard. You raise your eyebrows when you see him and sit up a little so he can get back in bed. 

He shakes his head. “It’s the detective assigned to your assault. I told him you don’t remember anything but he doesn’t seem to care. I know you don’t want anyone in right now but it might be easier to get him to leave if you just tell him yourself that you don’t remember.”

“Fine,” you sigh, your irritation at the detective clear in your tone. 

Robby nods and walks back over to the door and opens it. “Come in.”

“I don���t remember anything related to the assault,” you tell the detective as he walks in before he can even open his mouth to introduce himself. “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.” 

He introduces himself anyway. “Even the smallest detail could help.”

“I’m sorry, but I promise you I can’t remember any of it. My memory stops several hours before the assault. I don’t remember.” You shrug at him. You were irritated the second the guy knocked but that irritation is growing exponentially with each passing second because you can tell he doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings or your need for this conversation to be over. 

“Do you remember what they were wearing? The color? If it was a jacket or a hoodie?” the detective presses. 

“No.” You shake your head. “I don’t remember anything. I had to ask what even happened to me because I don’t remember any of it. Nothing about it exists in my mind, I can’t picture it or anything. I’d like you to go, please.”

“Well, now, just wait a second, maybe it’ll come back. Anything shoe wise? Boots? Tennis shoes?” He steps closer to your bed and Robby moves in a little closer in turn, between you and the detective because Robby’s already done with how the guy is treating you. 

“I don’t remember. There is just a void where the memory of it should be. I get it. It’s frustrating. Believe me, I get it. I’d like my memory to come back too.” You’re starting to hit anger levels of irritation. “I’ve been waiting for it to come back for over two weeks now. You being here isn’t going to make it come back. You’ve done your job and asked. I’m telling you I don’t remember. So please leave.”

“She doesn’t remember. She had a very traumatic brain injury, okay? Retrograde amnesia is common.” Robby holds an arm out in front of the detective and motions to the door. “She’s asked you to leave, so please respect her and go.” 

He doesn’t. “Anything. Anything at all, the direction the assailant came at you from, skin color, were they wearing a ski mask-”

Something in you breaks when he won’t leave and keeps asking you questions. Something that feels like it’s going to take a while to heal. 

“No,” you cut him off. “See now I’m fucking done. I’ve been trying to be polite and nice. But I’m fucking done. I get that you have a job to do and I appreciate you trying to find whoever did this to me, but you still need to respect me. I’ve asked you to leave. I was having a great day for the first time in too long and you’ve ruined it,” you snap at him. Robby hasn’t seen you this angry and irritated in a long time and something about the way it’s settled in your face and body makes his stomach sink.

“I have run out of ways to tell you that I don’t fucking remember. I have no idea how else to phrase it or communicate it to you. I don’t know how to make you understand it, it’s not a difficult concept. I do not remember anything about what happened. You sitting here repeating the question and asking if I remember specific little things is simply not going to change the fact that I don’t fucking remember. Any of it. As I’ve said what feels like seven thousand times in this conversation,” you seethe. “So get the fuck out of my room and don’t come back. Leave your card and if and when I remember something I’ll make sure you’re the first person I call.”

“I don’t know, Jack. I think she’s the one.” Robby can’t fight off the small smile that forms on his face at the thought of you.

The two are out having a couple of drinks together at a bar not far from work, Robby just getting off and Jack not on tonight. They’re watching the game on TV and chatting about whatever comes up. Jack is unsurprised when the conversation turns to you.

Jack finishes taking a sip of his beer and sets the bottle back down on the bar top. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah, man. I can’t imagine life without her.” Robby shrugs and looks at Jack. “I know it’s crazy because we haven’t said I love you yet, but I just feel it. Like she’s it. She’s the one.”

“No, I get it.” The smile Jack gives him is a little wistful. “When you know, you know.” 

Robby grimaces. “I’m sorry-”

“Hey, no. Don’t be.” He gives Robby a seriously look. “I’m happy for you. I want you to be happy.”

Robby nods, smile creeping back up. “I am.”

“I know.” Jack smirks. “Everyone knows.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, everyone knows you’re down real bad Robinavitch,” Jack laughs teasingly.

“Shut up.” Robby rolls his eyes but knows Jack is telling the truth. He knows he can’t hide how he feels about you. From anyone. “I see a future with her. I want to marry her one day. Maybe get a townhouse or a house, something with a yard. Maybe have a kid.”

Jack’s eyebrows raise. “Wow, I’ve never heard that from you before.” He takes another sip of his beer. “You thought about telling her that you love her?”

“Of course,” Robby sighs. “All the fucking time. It’s just scary, honestly. And it never feels perfect.”

Jack clicks his tongue at Robby. “It’ll never be perfect.”

“I know, yeah.” Robby looks up at the TV. “Just what if she doesn’t say it back? What if it freaks her out and is too much too soon?”

Jack breathes a small laugh through his nose. “Well, I can’t promise you that she’ll say it back, but seeing the two of you together, I’d be pretty fucking floored if she didn’t. And I think the absolute last fucking thing you telling her is going to do is freak her out or be too much too soon. She’s down just as bad, Michael.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Listen.” Jack waits for a second for Robby to look at him and tilts his head and leans in just a touch. “Just, tell her before you can’t anymore, yeah? Tell her all the time. Don’t wake up one day regretting not telling her enough. And I know it’s scary and it’s hard and it’s easy for me to say and a whole different thing to actually do. But try. It’ll be worth it to hear it back from her and have her know exactly how you feel.”

“Yeah. I will. Soon.” Robby takes a drink of his beer and looks at Jack. “I will soon.”  

A few days later you and Dana have a similar conversation. 

“So,” Dana drawls, ducking into the room where you’re suturing an inebriated unconscious patient, “how are things with Robby?”

“They’re good.” You smile at her. You can hear how syrupy your voice is. She gives you a knowing smile in return. “I think he might be the one Dana.”

“Yeah?”

You bite your lip and nod at her. “He’s just always there, you know? Like when I think about the future, future plans, he’s always there with me. Ten years down the road, fifteen. I see a house and marriage and maybe kids. And I know we haven’t said I love you yet, but I know I love him, and I’m pretty sure he loves me. Even if he doesn’t say it, I can feel it. In how he treats me and the things he does for me.”

“I knew my husband was the one before we said the l word too. Sometimes it just takes longer to say it.” She raises her eyebrows at you. “But when are you gonna tell him?”

You shrug as you tie off your knot. “I don’t know. I haven’t because I don’t want it to be too soon for him and have him freak out or pull away. Especially now with the anniversary in two days and him working on it. Sometimes I feel like he’s the kind of guy who needs to say it first, but I can’t decide if that’s true or an excuse I’m creating.”

“Well, it’s good you can recognize that might be what it is,” Dana laughs. “You didn’t ask for advice but the advice I’m going to give you anyway is that if you keep waiting for the perfect moment to tell him, you’ll never end up telling him. Because no moment will ever seem perfect enough. And he’s going to end up falling into that same trap of waiting.”

“I know,” you sigh. You glance up at her in between stitches. “I just don’t want to lose him.” 

“You won’t, Hon. You make him happy. He’s crazy about you. Has been for a long time.” Dana smirks before growing more serious. “I’ve known Robby for a long time. I’ve never seen him as happy as he is when he’s with you. And it’s not just when he’s with you. He’s happier in general.”

You finish cutting your last suture and look up at her. “Good. He deserves to be happy.”

“And who are we chatting about today ladies?” Robby smirks as he walks in the room. He seems very proud of himself for discovering the two of you talking.  

You exchange an amused look with Dana before looking at your boyfriend. “You.” 

“Ha!” Robby laughs. “You’re so funny.” Neither your nor Dana’s facial expressions change and he realizes you meant it. “What about me?” He asks with mock upset. 

You shake your head at him. “We were just talking about the future. Naturally you came up.”

“Naturally?” The smirk pulls back on his face. 

“I’m out.” Dana holds up her hands and walks out of the room. 

Robby steps closer to you as you stand up. “Naturally? What does ‘naturally’ mean?”

“It means we can talk about it tonight at home.” You smile saccharinely at him as you take your gloves off and throw them away. 

He shakes his head. “No, no. I want to hear about the future and me naturally coming up now.” 

“We don’t always get what we want.” You tilt your head at him.

“I know,” he nods. “For example, you don’t want to talk about this until we get home tonight, but you’re not going to get what you want because we’re going to talk about it now.” 

You scoff though there’s nothing really behind it. You hate how attractive the self-satisfied grin he’s wearing is and how it makes you want to jump him, except you don’t hate it at all. But if he really wants to play this game then you’re happy to. “Fine. She asked how things were going with you and I told her that when I thought about the future you’re always there with me and that I even see rings on fingers and sometimes I see a couple little mini-Michaels running around the house we buy together, okay?”

It makes him glitch out and go still and silent for a second like you figured it would and you smirk as you walk out the door and start to quickly make your way to the hub to find a patient to get involved with so he can’t pull you away. 

Rings? Robby thinks to himself. Mini-Michaels. Plural. A couple. More than one. Marriage. Kids. You see that with him. A huge smile pulls onto his face because he sees it with you but has always wondered if you saw it with him. Because he’s older and insecure about it and whether you’d really consider having kids with him because of that and if you wouldn’t would that end up being a deal-breaker. 

Robby turns and walks out of the room. “Hey!” he calls after you as he watches you giggle to yourself and damn near fucking scamper to the hub when you hear his voice.

“Hey, Javadi and McKay are with a patient in central 2 looking to present if you’re free,” Dana greets you as you walk up to the hub. 

“Oh,” you smirk to yourself and nod, “I am so free and available for them right now.” 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Robby gets to you just before you can get away. His hand wraps loosely but just tightly enough to remind you he’s your boyfriend around your upper arm and he pulls you to the side and then releases you. “You do not just get to drop that and run.” He shakes his head at you. 

You see McKay pop her head out of the room and look at Dana who points at you. You wave at her. “I’ll be right there!” 

“No you-”

“Yes, I will Dr. Robinavitch. Dr. McKay needs to present so that her patient can get the care they need. And she can present to me. That’s just one of those things I get to do,” you emphasize the word with a smirk and a slight bob of your head at him, “now that I’m an attending. So, our conversation will naturally have to wait.” You get to give him your own self-satisfied grin now as you walk off to central 2. 

The rest of the shift is busy. A rough busy. You and Robby barely see each other until you’re gathering your stuff to leave. You’re both quiet as you walk home holding hands. You’re not upset with each other or anything, you’re both just using the time to decompress a little. 

“You know,” Robby says as the two of you walk into his bedroom, “today was the closest I’ve gotten to hauling you into the on-call room and fucking you on shift.” 

You stop walking at his words and he nearly runs into you. “No, I did not know that. Why didn’t you?”

He steps in front of you and turns your hips, walks you backwards until you’re pressed against the wall, cages you in a little. He smirks at you. “I needed you to be able to walk to finish your shift.”

“Oh,” you laugh a little, mostly just a breath out, “you are talking an awfully big game right now, Michael.” 

His eyes sparkle as he nods. But he gets a bit more serious, almost a little shy or nervous. “Were you serious earlier? About marriage and kids and a house with me?”

Now you’re the shy one, but just like his, your eyes still sparkle. “Yeah. None of those are a dealbreaker for me, though. If you don’t want any of them. I see those things, or I can see those things with you, I want those things with you if you want them. Because really it’s just you. Whenever I think about my future, however many years down the road, you’re always with me, right there by my side.”

Robby beams at you and nods.“That’s funny because whenever I think about my future, however many years down the road, you’re always right there by my side. I’ve talked to Jack about it before.”

“Really?” you whisper, a huge smile of your own pulling onto your face.

“Mhm.” He nods. 

“Would you want any of that?” You’re a little breathless at the thought. And at Robby and how handsome he looks right now smiling at you like you’re perfect and the living embodiment of everything he could ever need and then some. “Buying a house together or marriage or kids?”

“I want all of that with you. None are a dealbreaker for me either, but I want all of that with you. I want everything with you, Kid.” He pauses and tilts his head. “Though if we have babies, I’d like there to be a bunch of mini-yous running around our house as opposed to a bunch of mini-mes.” 

You bite your lip and shake your head, watch Michael’s eyes blow a little more. “Nah, I want mini-Michaels.”

“Well, seeing as we can’t really control that, we’ll just have to see what happens.” Robby leans down and closer to you. “But I do want that with you. To marry you and buy a house and have some kids. I want that a lot.”

You nod. “I want that a lot too.” 

“Good,” he murmurs before leaning in and kissing you. 

He’s teasing about it, taking his time devouring you and leaving your hips canting against his before he pulls away and smirks at you, walks over towards the dresser. 

“And just so you know,” Robby says as he pulls his scrub top and under shirt off and looks at you. “It was the thought of fucking a baby into you, my wife, in our house that nearly had you getting fucked in the on-call room today.”

“Oh yeah?” You smirk, pulling off your own top. “You hiding a breeding kink from me Dr. Robinavitch?”

“Maybe.” Robby takes off his cargo pants and steps closer to you. Like he knew they would, your eyes drop down and you lick your lips when you see how hard he is under his boxer briefs. “You want to find out right now?”

You nod as you unhook your bra and let it drop to the floor. “Maybe I do.” Like Robby you take off your scrub pants but leave your underwear on and take a few steps closer to him. “And maybe you better put your money where your mouth is and I better not be able to walk after, Michael.” 

You’re different after speaking with that detective. The depression remains, the apathy and sadness and numbness are still there but anger and irritability start to take over. At first it seems to be more of a dynamic situation. One where you wake up every day not knowing how you’re going to feel. One where Robby wakes up every day and has no idea what you’re going to be like. That fact just feeds into the depression because it makes you hate yourself, hate the way Robby’s damn near walking on eggshells around you at times because he doesn’t know what you’re going to be like today.

He reacts by getting a little clingier, trying harder to be there for you, trying harder to anticipate your every need. You love him and you truly do appreciate all he’s doing but with each passing day you’re settling more into irritation and anger and his constant hovering and touching and offering you things and doing things for you starts to get suffocating. 

You’re both aware that speaking to the detective is what really set off your shift into the irritability and anger side of your depression and there’s a part of you who holds it against Robby. Because he was the one who didn’t just tell the guy no for however long it took to get him to leave. He was the one who told you it would just be easier if you spoke to the guy. And if you hadn’t spoken to him it’s likely you wouldn’t be this angry and irritable.

Your resentment about that slowly becomes some resentment about everything and he starts to agitate you more and more. You know it’s not him and it’s the depression so you fight it off hard for a while, but it’s fucking exhausting and eventually you’re not able to as much. You start to snap at him. Especially when it starts to feel like he’s here doing all these things for you and hovering and smothering you because he’s trying to make what he did in the supply closet all better just by being here for you. Like if he helps you get through this all will be forgiven and it’ll just be like the supply closet thing never happened. 

You don’t kick him out or tell him to leave. You let him be here with you. Let him do whatever he wants and thinks helps you even when it doesn’t. Because the few times you’ve gotten snappy and told him to stop and that he wasn’t helping and needed to stop hovering he looked like a kicked puppy with those big brown wide eyes and you immediately hated yourself. So you keep trying to bury your feelings down when you know you shouldn’t be. You know if you talked to him kindly about it then he’d probably adjust and things would be better but you’re constantly too irritated to want to engage in any prolonged conversation with him, or anyone else for that matter. 

Robby can feel it, despite how much you try to hide it. He can feel how irritated and annoyed he makes you. But he doesn’t know what to do about it, doesn’t know what you want from him. And so again, as you slip further into irritation and anger he holds on tighter, clings more, because he’s so afraid of losing you. The colder and more off with him you grow the more he does to show his worth and that he loves you and just wants to help you. It’s a never ending cycle for the two of you. 

It kills him inside knowing he upsets you. He slips into a depression of his own. He keeps going to therapy but it’s hard to make much progress right now. Once you woke up, being here with you all the time and helping you and doting on you, let him ignore everything else that happened on the day of the PittFest MCI. But it gets harder not to think about, to ignore all of the guilt weighing on him, when you really start to pull away from him and the two of you spend most of the time you’re not in some form of therapy in complete silence with you not even looking in his direction, sometimes turning in bed so that your back is to him. 

He hates himself. For all of it. Every single thing. Adamson. Langdon. Leah. You. All the people he either killed or failed or both.

The more angry and irritable with him you get, the more he feels like him being here isn’t actually helping you, the more he thinks he should just go. That you’d be better off without him. That the world would be. That it would be the kind thing to do to kill himself. That it would actually help you. That then neither you nor he would have to continue to suffer.  

Physically, you have good days and bad ones. Generally it depends on how tired you are. And the more you swallow down your feelings the more tired you are. The depression sucks all of the energy out of you too. You still have all kinds of therapy, but you start to stall out in terms of progress because of how tired you are. It makes it difficult for your body to maintain where it has recovered to, let alone make gains. 

They won’t let you go to a rehabilitation facility and be out of the hospital because they’re slowly weaning you off the heavier anti-seizure medications and they’re concerned about a delayed CSF leak causing you to develop meningitis and they’re worried if you do end up seizing that you’ll have another brain bleed and don’t want you to be at a facility far away and get delayed treatment. You know those are all technically legitimate concerns, but you also know they’ve definitely discharged patients where you’re at in recovery to rehab facilities and that really they won’t let you leave because Robby is asking them not to because he’s scared of you not being in the hospital. You learn to let that one go because you’re not sure what difference it really makes at this point. A rehab facility wouldn’t be home. 

Your memory is slowly starting to come back and the more you remember taking care of patients and wrapping up the MCI after pedes the more you and Robby know that eventually you’re probably going to remember him breaking up with you in the supply closet and things are likely to change between the two of you. It’s unclear whether it’ll be for the better or worse, whether remembering will help you process and heal and move on or whether it’ll be too much and you’ll end up telling him you can’t forgive him for it and work through it with him. 

One day little flashes start to come through. Nothing that’s enough to really give you much insight as to what happened and how it made you feel. You don’t tell Robby it’s starting to come back. You worry it’ll make him somehow even clingier, though you’re not sure how that would be possible at this point. 

And then one day it does come back fully. You can see the whole thing from start to finish. You can feel all the feelings you felt then. In fairness to him, Robby had done a good job of explaining what happened and just how severely he spoke to you and yelled at you when he broke up with you in the supply closet. But nothing he said or could have said or any way he could’ve explained compares to the memory. Robby couldn’t remind you of how it made you feel in the moment, of how he looked at you.

It’s mid-afternoon and you’ve just finished some therapy and settled into bed when it really comes back. You let it play through in your mind a couple of times before looking at Robby for a couple of seconds. He catches you looking and raises his eyebrows in a silent ask of what you need. 

You don’t ask for anything, immediately turning yourself over so your back is to him. You can’t look at him. Tears start to stream down your face and you clamp your hand over your mouth to stifle some of the noise. You wouldn’t be able to handle him trying to get into bed with you right now. 

So you force yourself to cry quietly. Force the dry heaves down. He thought so little of you and that hurts. It hurts more than anything you’ve been through during all of this. He didn’t trust you, he thought you’d breach his trust that egregiously. He wouldn’t even listen. How could he? How could he so easily dispose of you and throw you away without even hearing you out? It was just over for him. You were nothing. 

The walls your mind starts to build up around it are built subconsciously. You’re far too tired already today to really deal with this. You can’t let yourself feel any of this. But then heartbreak doesn’t really work like that does it? You try as hard as you can to pull it together and put it in a box and shove it away but you can’t. The sadness is overwhelming. It’s like you’re drowning in it. 

You can’t even begin to try and think of how to forgive him. How to heal this massive wound he’s inflicted on your heart and soul. You don’t know what the two of you even are anymore. He’s here acting like he’s your boyfriend but he never asked you to take him back. There hasn’t been any real conversation. 

The sorrow settles into your bones. It feels like you’ll never love again. Like you could never possibly feel any kind of romantic love towards anyone but him and so you’re destined for a lifetime without it. And it feels like nobody will ever love you again. Not like he did. Or not like how you thought he did, because you’re not sure anymore. That he ever did. Not when he could throw you away so easily. 

“Kid?” Robby’s voice is gentle as he calls to you and gets out of the chair. He knows you’re crying. He can see it in the way your body shakes and how you curl in on yourself, can hear the sniffles you try to muffle. It breaks his heart. It’s the first time in a good while now that he’s seen you show some real emotion other than various forms of anger and irritation. He wants to hold you. He wants so badly to make it all better. “What’s wrong?”

You hear him growing closer, you know he’s going to try and get in bed behind you. So you automatically adjust yourself and spread out a little so that there’s no room for him to. So that he’d have to ask and you could make up an excuse and say no. 

“I’m fine,” you sniffle. 

“Please talk to me,” he whispers, his hand finding your side and rubbing up and down in what he incorrectly thinks is a soothing manner. 

“I’m just tired and am going to try and sleep,” you mumble, pulling the covers further up you. 

Robby wants to push you, get you to talk to him. But he doesn’t. He knows you don’t need that right now. “Okay,” he murmurs, walking back over to his chair.

Eventually you wake up. You say even less to Robby than usual the rest of the day. You don’t eat the dinner he gets you, just say you’re not hungry. Which is true because you’re far too nauseous to feel hungry right now. And then you go back to sleep for the night without him in bed with you. 

In the morning you don’t feel better but you’re at least rested and not as tired. You have some breakfast because you know you need your blood sugar to be okay. The rest and food will make it easier to control your emotions and you’re going to need to because you’re going to talk to Robby and do your best to set aside your anger and irritation and hurt and sadness for this conversation. 

“Hey,” you say softly. “Can we talk?”

“Of course.” Robby nods from his chair at the side of your bed. “What’s up?”

You let out a shaky breath. “More of my memory has come back. So, um, I remember now. The supply closet. You breaking up with me. It’s a little hazy in places still but, yeah.” You let out a long breath. “I remember it.” 

You do your best to keep your voice neutral, to keep any emotions from taking you over, to keep from crying. It’s almost worse for him in a way. He’d rather have you express emotion so he could know where you are with it.

Robby swallows thickly and nods. He’d been expecting this. Thought the last afternoon and night might be about it. “I wondered. But I didn’t want to push you or something by asking.”

You give him a strained smile. “I appreciate that.” 

“I’m sorry,” he offers quietly. “I know it doesn’t change anything or make it better, but I truly am sorry.” 

You nod. “I know Michael. I know you are. Trust me, I know. And I see how bad you feel and I don’t want you to hate yourself for this. I think we can get through it, I’m just not sure how right now. And I don’t know where exactly this leaves us.” You shrug. “But I don’t want to lose you and not be with you if you don’t want to lose me. I’m just telling you now that I’m struggling with it, now that I can remember, and I’m struggling with how to process it and where we even start and how we work through it and heal. My brain is still…you know?” 

Robby nods but stays quiet to see if there’s more you want to say, trying to be better at listening and hearing you. Trying to show you he’s not who he was that day in the supply closet. Trying not to push when you don’t want to be pushed.

“But it’s not just better, things aren’t repaired and fixed.” You know you’re repeating yourself a little. You just want to communicate all the thoughts your brain can put together so that Robby knows where you’re at with things, even though you don’t really know. You want him to know you don’t know. “So I don’t really know exactly where we are right now, what we are exactly. I’m just, we’re just going to kind of have to take it day by day and I know in a way that’s not fair to you, not fair for you to be here taking care of me and helping me but not knowing exactly what and where we are and maybe doing all of this for me just for us not to end up together.”

He’s shaking his head before you even finish speaking. “No. No, I don’t care about that for a second. I mean I do in the sense that I care about whether we’re together or not but not, I don’t think it’s unfair is what I mean, or even if it is, I don’t mind. Like even if we definitively weren’t together and you wanted or needed or even were just okay with me being here helping you I would be. Because I love you and I care about you and I always will. Even if we’re not together. I will always love you.” He pauses and rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t know if that made sense or made things worse.” The way he seems so scared to get your reaction makes you sad. 

“I know what you mean.” You nod at him. “And I love you too, always will.” You give him a small smile.

Robby returns your small smile with a big one of his own. All he ever wants to do is make you laugh and smile. “Okay, good.” He lets out a breath. “I don’t want to lose you. That’s the last fucking thing I want. I thought I was going to and I…” He looks away from you for a second to pull it together. “I couldn’t handle it. So I’m going to try to follow your lead with this and meet you where you are with it and try and help us figure out a way to heal.” He looks down. “From me.”

“I appreciate that and think that will be very helpful.” You’re surprised at the course of this conversation. You were fully expecting Robby to push you and bombard you with questions or try to keep the conversation going and try to sit on the bed next to you and fluff your pillows so he’d feel like he was helping you. Because that’s what he’s been doing a lot as of late when you do talk casually about whatever. 

You know it’s probably because he’s desperate for you to talk to him and so once you start he doesn’t want the conversation, good or bad, to end. And that he likes to feel helpful and like he’s doing things that really help you and wants to show you he’s taking care of you. 

Your physical therapist knocks and comes in. Robby’s distracted during it, normally far more involved. You’re hopeful it’s a sign that he’s stepping back a little and not going to hover and be in your space and trying to do everything for you as much. 

But really he’s just thinking. About what you said. About how you don’t know what the two of you are. About how that conversation went far better than he thought it would. He expected your irritability and anger to come out hard because that’s where you seem to live lately. He was prepared to accept it, whatever it was you needed to say, however you needed to say it, as long as it helped you heal. If you needed to be mean and yell at him like he had done to you to heal from this and be able to move on and still be with him then he’d let you. He’s hoping your irritability and anger not showing themselves too much is a sign you’re not going to be living there anymore. 

Unfortunately neither of your hopes turn into reality. Things are just awkward over the next two days. Robby still hovers and is suffocating at times and you’re right back to irritability and anger as you try to deal with your broken heart and how to heal it. 

There’s a bit of a change, though. Your irritation and anger and depression in general manifest in extreme apathy. It builds slowly over those two awkward days after you and Robby talk, but by the third it’s almost total apathy. You stop pushing yourself during any of your therapies. Everyone can tell you’re mentally checked out the entire time and just doing whatever you’re told without any real thought. 

And over the next three days while you’re checked out and not pushing yourself and trying to figure out what to do about Robby a more complete apathy sets in. You stop doing your various therapies. Physical therapy comes and you say no. Speech therapy comes and you say no. Occupational therapy comes and you say no. 

You say no when Robby reminds you to do all your various exercises they leave you with. You say no thanks when he brings you food. You get irritated and are quick to snap at him if he tries to persuade you into doing things for too long. 

At first everyone agrees to let it go. Nobody is happy about it but you’ve been working very hard for a good chunk of time now and so they agree to let you have a couple of days of rest. Everyone that is except for you. 

Because once those couple of days pass, you’re still saying no. And Robby can’t take it anymore. 

“You need to do speech therapy.” He gives you a look. “You had a break. It’s time to get back to it all.”

“I don’t even need it anymore. My speech is fine. I very occasionally have trouble with some words but I probably did before this anyway.” You shrug at him. 

Robby shakes his head. “You know there are some words you consistently struggle with. They can help with that.”

“Why do you fucking care? What does it matter? Is it because I might embarrass you one day when I struggle with a word in front of someone? Just stop. I’m not doing it.” You let out an irritated sigh and shake your head at him. 

Robby lets out a slightly irritated sigh of his own that makes you bristle a little. Today is really not the day for him to do this with you. Your irritability is particularly bad, you’re tired and just want to sleep and be left alone.

“Alright, how about some physical therapy then? We don’t need to call them. I can help you.” You ignore him and make no effort to sit up so that you can do some exercises. “I’m just worried, Kid. I know it’s tiring and it’s hard but if you don’t keep up with it you’re going to lose everything you’ve worked for.”

“I didn’t realize I suddenly wasn’t a doctor anymore and didn’t know that,” you deadpan. 

“Kid,” he sighs again. 

“I know,” you huff, “I know and I’m still choosing to not do it. Not today. Let it go.” You take a deep breath to try and let out some of your irritation and tension because when it builds up you snap at him and you hate that, hate snapping at him.

“You have to,” he says simply, starting to walk closer to your bed. If you’re not going to do it when he asks nicely then he’s going to take a tough love approach because he can’t let you lay here and lose all of your progress and waste away in front of his eyes. 

“No I don’t.” 

“Yes.” He throws your blankets off you. “You do.” Robby adds to your rapidly growing irritation when he goes to grab at you to get you sitting up.

“Fucking stop, Michael.” You bat his hands away. “I really don’t. So please stop. I really can’t do this right now. You can try asking again in a bit.”

“You really do.” He’s unperturbed by you batting his hands away, continuing to try and get ahold of you enough to get you sitting up. 

“No. Stop. Michael, I’m so fucking serious right, stop touching me please. It’s too much. I need you to get out of my personal space right now.” You shove at his arms as best you can to try and get him to back off, the increasing tension and irritation clear in your voice. “I can’t do it, okay? And I’m not going to.” 

“No. You don’t want to.” He doesn’t mean for it to but it comes across like he’s scolding you to you. “You can and you are going to.” His hand manages to wrap around your upper arm and that’s it. You’re done.

You snap. 

“Oh my fucking god, Robby!” You half yell. He freezes instantly. “I need some space, I need you to go.” 

Robby doesn’t freeze because you half yelled. He freezes because you called him Robby. You haven’t called him that in years now. And it doesn’t even look like a fully conscious choice, more something that just slipped out and for some reason that panics him even more. He pulls his hand from you and takes a few steps back from your bed. 

“What?” he whispers.

You take a second to let out a breath and bring yourself back down. “I need some space, please Michael. I’m too overstimulated and irritated right now, I don’t care if you don’t understand why, you don’t need to. I just need some space. Please.”

“What is this really about? Because I know it’s only about me trying to get you to do exercises to an extent.” He shakes his head, mouth set. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop when you asked and tried to keep going and take the tough love route. That was wrong of me. I should’ve stopped as soon as you asked. But something else is driving this, this anger and irritation that you have, that gets so high you snap and now apparently makes you need to be alone. And I need you to talk to me. Like really talk to me honestly. So we can work things out and I can know what to do and not do.” 

You stay quiet, hoping he’ll take the hint and let the conversation go and give you the space you desperately need. Neither of you are at your best right now. Neither of you are perfect. And you don’t want to continue to hurt each other with this conversation.

“If this is about what happened that day in the supply closet you need to just say that so we can talk about it. Because we haven’t. Not really. Not since you remembered. We ignore it.” He shrugs at you. “We can’t keep ignoring it.”

“Michael,” you let out a long breath, “right now I just need some space, a little time to be alone. We should not have this conversation right now while we’re both this escalated. I don’t want to.”

“I’m not escalated. I’m just saying we can’t keep ignoring it.” The thought of this conversation ending and leaving you even just to give you some space terrifies him. 

You clench your jaw, give into the irritation and anger a little. 

“Fine, you want to talk about it now of all fucking times? Now when I’ve asked you to leave and give me some space because I’m overstimulated and irritated and too escalated? Fine. Whatever you want, Robby!” You scoff a laugh at him because it feels so fucking typical. His breath hitches because you’re back to calling him Robby. “I haven’t been ignoring it. Somedays it’s close to all I think about. I’ve been trying so hard to let it go and to forgive you and try and move on, and figure out how to do all of that. But I still don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” he asks. Doesn’t agree to stop the conversation. Just asks a follow up question. He knows he shouldn’t. He knows he should just give you the bit of space you’re asking for and not push you. 

“Anything! I don’t know how to do any of this and deal with it. I don’t know about us. Where and what we are. You broke my heart! You shattered my trust! You thought I’d just betray you. You didn’t, maybe don’t, trust me. So I don’t really know why you even want to be with me. And right now I am so physically fucked up everywhere and my brain is a mess. I just…” You let out a long breath and try to regain some semblance of composure but it’s getting increasingly difficult. 

“Honestly, you’re hovering, constantly, and suffocating me. I never get any fucking alone time. You schedule your therapy at the same time as one of mine so someone’s with me. You’re here with me all the time, and yes I appreciate it, and I love it and you so very much, I promise I do. Even when it feels like I don’t and when I’m irritated. I do. But it feels so much like you think that if you’re here and helping me through this and doing whatever I need and hovering and showing me you’re here for me then it’ll all be fine and work out like nothing happened and that’s just not true. So I just need some space right now in this moment. I’m getting overwhelmed and I just need to be alone. I really don’t want to continue this conversation. Now is not the time.” You shake your head at him.

“I am sorry, you know. I really am.” Robby wraps his arms around himself. “And I want to do whatever you need me to so that we can fix this and get through it. So please just tell me.”

He still won’t end the conversation. He’s still pushing you. Because Robby would rather be feeling your anger than feeling nothing from you. But it’s winding you up again, the way he won’t stop. And you know if you try and shut down he’ll just keep talking at you and hover near you which will be just as bad. 

“I know. I know you are. And I remember understanding in the moment. Understanding why you did it, how bad of a day it had been, how emotionally fried you were. I know what the day was but you were so ready to just throw me away. And I know you want to fix this. But I still don’t know what exactly I need from you. It is hard for me to be around you sometimes. I’ve never asked you to leave because I know how much it would hurt you. I know how bad it would be for you. But it’s hard to look at you. Because I look at you and all I can see is the man who thought so little of me that he wouldn’t even give me a chance to ask questions or explain and wouldn’t listen to me. It’s like I was nothing to you. And you’re always here and so I’m thinking about that a lot. I just…” 

You pause for a second. It’s getting harder to organize your thoughts and keep them on topic and not tangential and rambling. “Please. I’m not even asking you to leave, Robby. I’m asking for some space. For like an hour or so. You say you’ll do anything for me, then do this. Give me some space.”

Everything Robby’s learned at therapy is sliding right out the door during this conversation. He needs to walk away because you aren’t able to and you’re asking for space. And he knows that as calm as you’re trying to keep yourself and your voice, he’s winding you up every time he won’t do as you ask, won’t give you space. But he can’t stop. Eventually you guys will talk your way out of this, just like you always do. That’s what he tells himself. 

“You weren’t nothing to me.” He shakes his head, face screwing up in worry that you still think that. “You aren’t nothing to me. You’re everything, you always have been, even when I was being a full on piece of shit and horrible to you.”

You look away from him for a second before shaking your head to yourself and looking back at him. “You say that Robby but sometimes actions are so much louder than words.”

“And what about now?” He scoffs at you a little because what the fuck do you mean actions are louder than words. He’s here and trying so hard and that’s apparently nothing to you. All it does is make you pissed off with him. “What about all this, everything I’m doing now? You have to be able to see that you’re not nothing to me, that you’re everything, that I’d do fucking anything for you! I’ve stayed through it all, through the depression, through feeling like you don’t want me here, through you snapping at me and not talking to me and nearly ignoring me. I’m still here. I’m still here even when you make it difficult to be! And you’re telling me that counts for nothing?”

Robby can see you grow more upset and irate, can see it building up again. You tense further, your chest starts to heave just slightly, jaw grinding. Your eyes show it too, look at him sharper. 

“Oh,” you draw out your laugh of the word. “When I make it difficult to be here you push through and stay, okay. Don’t fucking act like you’re doing me some goddamned favor by staying and being here Robby! It shouldn’t be a fucking favor. It shouldn’t be something you lord over me. It should be you here because you love me and you want to be here and you don’t feel like you need recognition for being here because that’s just what people who love each other do. If you don’t want to be here, if I make it too fucking difficult, then fucking leave and don’t come back.” 

“I didn’t mean it like that and I don’t want to leave and not come back,” he starts to interject. But you keep going.

“And of course you being here and staying counts, for a lot, I never said it didn’t. I literally just fucking told you I appreciate you being here but that doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t just magically fix what you broke!” You shake your head and shrug at him, let out a breath of a laugh. “How do I know this isn’t just some manifestation of you feeling guilty and responsible and like you have to fix me? How do I know it’s not the guilt that’s keeping you here? How do I know you don’t really want to still be broken up but feel so guilty that you’re here and pretending? Because you were fine with not having me until something happened to me that you blame yourself for.” 

“No! No. I was never fine with not having you, even when I still stupidly thought you had gossiped about it. I wasn’t fine. I was destroyed!” He shakes his head at you, takes a step forward because he needs you to believe him about this. “Do I feel guilty? Yes. I’m not going to lie to you or myself. Of course I feel guilty. If I had been there or if you had stayed at the hospital this wouldn’t have happened to you. But you’re not going to get better and then I’m going to be like oh yeah actually I don’t want to be with you and just fuck off and leave you. I’m fighting for you. For us. For that future we talked about. Marriage and a house and kids. Please let me fight for us. Please fight with me for us.” 

He knows you are fighting for the two of you, that you are everyday, and that you asking for space doesn’t mean you’re just giving up. It’s a healthy thing to do. He should respect it. He knows he’s making things worse by continuing the conversation. 

“Don’t.” The coil of anger and irritation Robby’s winding up in you is getting tighter and tighter. “Don’t act like I’m not. Don’t act like me asking for some space means I’m not fighting for us. I could’ve told you to get the fuck out the second you told me what happened or the second I remembered. Believe me there have been times the irritation and depression or the sheer hurt from what you did have overwhelmed me and I’ve wanted to make you leave. There still are those times. But I didn’t and I don’t make you leave. Because it would hurt you deeply and because I want to fix this and make it work. So I fight for us. I fight for us every fucking day. And me needing an hour of space doesn’t change that.” You stare at him intensely as you try to use the silence to drive it all home. 

“I don’t want to lose you.” Robby rubs the back of his neck. He’s terrified. You can see it. His face is furrowed, lips pulled down and eyes wide and glassy and reflecting the anxiety and self-loathing you know he’s drowning in. “I can’t lose you.” 

He still won’t stop and give you what you need, what you’re begging him for and you’re a hair’s breadth away from reaching a point of no return.

“Staying doesn’t mean you won’t lose me, Robby! You really need to see that! The simple fact of you being here and trying to help me and supporting me doesn’t mean everything’s going to be okay.” You rub your face as you let out a long sigh and look at him pleadingly. “Please Robby, I’m literally begging you for some space right now. I really need it. I really need you to go because I don’t want to end up completely snapping at you and saying a bunch of shit I regret and damaging things further when I get totally overwhelmed and I’m headed there really fast. And I know you want to help. Right now what would help me is if you gave me some space.” 

“I think we should do couple’s therapy.” You nod at him, hoping that at this point in the conversation your silence will at the very least get him to be quiet. “I can start looking for someone and-” 

“Robby,” you interrupt him. But he speaks before you can say anything else.

“Please don’t call me that.” He shakes his head at it. “Why are you suddenly calling me that? What happened to Michael?” 

You let out a slow and shaky breath. “I really need space and this conversation to be over.” 

“But I love you. I want to work this out.” He’s pleading with you now just as much as you’ve been pleading with him. 

“I know. I know that. And I love you. I genuinely do, Michael. Unfortunately though, despite what many people say, sometimes love alone isn’t enough. I need you to respect me right now. I am asking you for space please. Just please give me some time to myself right now. An hour. Just an hour for right now. If we keep going I’m going to snap and say shit I regret, I really can’t take anymore, so please,” you’re begging him, “please give me some space.” 

You’ve hit the point and you know it. This conversation is either going to end and Robby is going to give you the space you need, or he’s going to try and continue the conversation and you’re going to lose it on him and end up hurting him. 

Robby is fully aware that he’s not going to get the answer he wants to the question he’s about to ask. It’s not going to make you calm down and slip into reassurance mode and end this argument or whatever this is. He knows it’s just him pushing you further and he tries to stop himself but it slips out anyway. 

“You don’t need me? To help you.” 

And that’s it for you. The way that question seems like it’s about you but is really about him. The way he kept pushing. You’re too tired and totally overstimulated and overwhelmed and he has just kept pushing and pushing you, kept winding you up and adding to your overwhelm and irritation and overstimulation. So you snap again. 

But you snap much, much harder this time. 

“God damn it Robby just get the fuck out, okay?” you seethe at him. You’re fucking livid. He has never seen you like this before. “Get out! I’m fucking done! Is that what you wanted? Me to totally snap and come unglued and say I’m done so you could get out of all this and not be to blame in your mind? Because congrats, you got me there! You fucking pushed me there! I’m done right now. Done. I asked for space and you can’t do it. You just had to keep fucking going. So yeah, now I am kicking you the fuck out!” 

You let out a shaky breath as tears of anger and frustration start to stream down your face. “You are making it so fucking hard right now to want to keep fucking fighting for us and I hate it. I hate it. I get you’re scared about losing me either physically or emotionally, but jesus fucking christ I just asked for some space Robby! But you still don’t trust me, you don’t trust me to take the space I need and not go anywhere! You don’t trust me to not just give up on us!” 

“I didn’t want to have to kick you out. I just wanted a little bit of fucking space. And you can’t give me it and you’re making this about you! Like you always do. Everything is about you! Do you even see it?” You throw your hands up at him and give him a look. “I asked not to have this conversation because I was too escalated and upset and exhausted and overwhelmed but no, you wanted to fucking have it so here we are. Both of us hurt and upset. Do you see that you not leaving is making this about you and what you need to quell your fears? To be here with me constantly. But it’s not about you and what you need!” 

“In the hospital right now, this shit is about me! I’m the one who has been relearning to walk and feed myself and everything fucking else. I’m the one who has problems speaking at times. I’m the one who can’t get her brain to think sometimes, who just forgets how to get her brain to do anything.” You wipe at your face. The tears of frustration and anger haven’t stopped. “You have no fucking idea what that’s like, what it’s like to feel like a toddler again in some ways, even with how far I’ve come. I’m the one who might never be able to practice medicine again, who might have my entire career ripped away from me as it was literally just fucking beginning.” 

“And you know what, actually, yeah.” You nod at him with a sardonic laugh. “To answer your question. I do. I do need you. I need your help with all of this, your support and your respect, but not on your terms. Not you doing what helps you. Not you doing what you think is helping me and supporting me and respecting me. On my terms.” You point at yourself. “On what is actually doing or will do those things for me. I need you but you have now stopped me from having you by not giving me some simple space when I asked. You’re my partner, or you were my partner, I guess. I don’t even know if you are anymore. You broke up with me. You told me to call you Dr. Rob-, Dr. Rob- fuck.” 

You let out an acerbic scoff at your inability to get out his name. It strikes you as exceedingly poetic in the moment. “You told me to call you by your title. The one I can’t even fucking say now so I guess it’s a good job you decide to let me call you something else. You broke my fucking heart Robby! You shot a fucking bullet right through my heart and that bullet tore through it, just like what happened to Leah!”

Neither of you breathe for a couple of seconds and the room is pin drop silent. Robby’s chin trembles and he tilts his head at you for a second in a look of total heartbreak before looking down as his tears start to fall. He can’t believe you just said that. That you went there. It’s pain on multiple levels. Pain because of what happened with and to Leah, because of what it did to Jake, because he should have been there instead of her, and because you just threw it in his face. 

You know how low of a blow that was. You know you could hardly go any lower than that. You know that you just broke his heart in a way. You hate yourself for saying it. But you are so overstimulated and angry and exhausted and irritated and just fucking done that it’s difficult to find it within you to care. So you go on, you don’t let up at all, don’t calm at all. You just keep going. 

“Sure mine wasn’t physical but it was emotional. You managed to do that with words, tear right through my heart with your words.” You sneer at him. “And it’s really fucking hard to figure it all out, Robby, how to do this and heal my heart and us. Especially with a very traumatic brain injury that’s not healed. We weren’t even fucking together when this happened, not to you! I don’t know what we are! I don’t know what I want!” 

“I am so far fucking beyond overwhelmed and overstimulated right now, Robby. You have made me that far beyond overwhelmed and overstimulated by not giving me the little bit of fucking space I asked for over and over again! You have gotten us here!” Your head is killing you and it’s getting substantially harder to form coherent thoughts that aren’t just essentially repetitions of things you’ve already said. 

“Everything hurts, thinking hurts. Being with you hurts! It hurts way the fuck too much. You need to leave me alone and go and not fucking be here because it’s too much! It’s too much and I can’t do this anymore. I cannot fucking do it. You need to fucking go,” you fully snarl at him. “And if you don’t I will call my nurse and have her get security. I can’t do this anymore, okay? So get the fuck out and don’t come back until I want and ask you to.” 

Robby’s still looking at the floor as he sniffles and nods. He’s not sure how he hasn’t thrown up already or started audibly sobbing. “Okay,” he whispers. He pushed you way too far and he knows it. And he might have permanently pushed you too far, might have destroyed everything because he was so terrified of losing you. Might have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

He grabs a couple of his things and his backpack as he makes his way to the door. He stops with hand on the door handle and looks back at you. “Are you ever going to want me to come back?” 

It’s a loaded question. He asked ‘are you ever going to want me to come back’ but what he really means is ‘are you ever going to want me back’ and both of you know it.

You look over at him, still just as livid as when you threw Leah in his face and told him to get the fuck out. Your voice is ice cold when you answer. 

“I don’t know.”

😶 I have very little to say for myself, but please do not hate me lol. I tried to make the vignettes fluffy for some balance. 😭 There will of course be a Part 3.

I hope it was okay and enjoyable! I really enjoy hearing your thoughts and comments, they give me so much motivation and inspiration!! Liking, replies and reblogging are always so so appreciated! My inbox and DMs are always open for thoughts, comments, and general screaming (or (lovingly) screaming at me again)! 🙂♥️

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[dragonsondragons]

You Should Probably Leave - Masterlist

Summary: Jack's therapist encourages him to reach outside his comfort zone, leaving behind his blanket darkness of night and trying to emerge into the light of day. So, he decides to host a summer barbeque with the Pitt team. As the party is wrapping up and guests trickle out, he can't shake the feeling that how much he wants you to stay really means that you should probably leave. 

Warnings: yearning!jack, medical social worker!reader, reader is Jack’s work crush, slow burn, tons of therapy, working through trauma, Jack on his #healingjourney, angst, unspecified age gap. 

Author's Note: There are so many Chris Stapleton songs that are so Jack Abbot coded, I couldn't resist with this one. Might expand to do some other chris stapleton songfics after I complete this little series.

Prologue - Hard to Resist In which Jack’s therapist challenges him to enjoy the daytime and he admits he has a work crush. 

Part I - That Look In Your Eye You make big, bad, Jack Abbot nervous in a way he really isn’t used to anymore. He fumbles his first attempt to invite you to the party, so Dr. Ellis gives him a crash course in how to get the girl.

Part II - Alright, Just One Kiss 

Part III - Do the Right Thing, Baby

Part IV - Sun on Your Skin, 6am

[If you would like to be added to my taglist fill out this google form!]

[mercvry-glow]

Influencer!wifey hearing about a new trending show that takes place in a hospital's emergency department and deciding to do a quick small video on tiktok recording her and hubby (who is just barley off camera) reacting to it and having him confirm or criticize the supposed accuracy that ends up turning into a series of videos cause the people wanted more 🤭

“Do people actually watch this bullshit?” Jack had his arm thrown over your shoulders so that you could cuddle in close to him. It was one of those rare nights where he wasn’t working, and a close friend had recommended a new medical drama to watch.

They were certainly a touchy subject in the Abbot household.

You had already been banned from watching Grey’s Anatomy around him—less for the actual medical stuff, and more for the McSteamy comments.

It was something you teased him about endlessly, when you first got together. Greys was a show you grew up on, so of course you had to know how true to life it was.

“I may not be a surgeon,” he had told you one night after watching a few of the bigger arcs, “But I know damn well they should’ve been fired a long time ago… Bombs and plane crashes are one thing—illegal autopsies and cutting fuckin’ LVAD wires is another!”

“But Izzie loved him!”

“I’m not going to argue with you about this,”

“But what if it was me who needed the new heart?”

He could only scoff, “This hypothetical is bullshit, just like the show.”

After that you tried to stay clear of medical dramas, most of them were cruddy anyway. McKenzie swore up and down it was worth the watch though, and Jack would be the final say.

The two of you made it through the pilot and a few episodes after that. Jack hadn’t said much beyond a few comments here and there—hazel eyes glued to the big screen as he played with the ends of your hair.

It was actually Jacks idea to film the TikTok. He was all for education and if the show was solid he wanted people to know. Besides he’d been lacking on the mysterious husband thing lately, you both had been busy and there was just no time to be in any of your stuff like he usually was.

“So what’s the verdict Dr. Abbot?” You asked teasingly, phone pointed towards your face and half of his chest as the TV prompted you to click on the next episode.

“It’s not the worst thing- I’ll probably get a headache if keep hearing the words code and IV.”

You gave a small nod, “And what do you think of the characters?”

He let out a scoff, “look, I don’t know how other hospitals run—but if we had half the amount of people hooking up in our on call rooms, and it wasn’t being called out by the guys upstairs there’d be a massive problem.”

“Any other comments or concerns?”

“Yeah, why their scrub vending machines are dispensing Figs when they’re in a budget crisis?”

And while you didn’t really know what that meant, people in the comments ate it up. Just like the rest of the Jack content you posted.

[internetdaddy98]

The Ties That Bind Us - Chapter 21

Previous | Next [Series Masterlist]

Content Warning: medical procedures; mutual pining; angst: yelling; swearing;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The comms went off at 6:50 a.m.

Of course it did.

You were barely three steps into the ER, coffee still burning hot in your hand, when the call came through: MVC, mid-thirties female, unstable vitals, ETA six minutes. The room snapped into motion around you like muscle memory.

You didn’t have time to think. Not about what happened, not about the way Robby had looked at you like you’d fractured something sacred. Not about the fact that this was the first time you were seeing him since it all imploded.

You threw your sweater onto the nearest chair and got to work.

And then he walked in.

Black scrubs. Jaw set. Eyes stormy.

You didn’t speak. Neither did he.

You took opposite sides of the trauma room like it was instinct. You hadn’t worked a code together in three days, but your rhythm was the same—too practiced to falter. His hands moved fast and precise, intubating while you placed a central line. Orders flew. Nurses obeyed. You worked as if the silence wasn’t deafening.

But God, it was.

You could feel every inch of distance between you, and still, your bodies operated like puzzle pieces that knew exactly how to fit. That was the worst part—how easy it was still to do this with him, even when nothing else felt okay.

“She’s crashing,” Dr. Mohan said.

Robby barked for an epi. You reached across the gurney at the same time, your hands brushing.

He flinched like you’d burned him.

And that? That nearly unraveled you.

The patient stabilized, barely. When it was over, the patient was transferred up to the ICU, and the chaos ended. But the damage between you two hadn’t gone anywhere.

You peeled off your gown, then your gloves, tossing them into the biohazard bin with more force than necessary. Robby was already halfway out the door.

And that was it. You snapped. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The air on the rooftop was colder than it had any right to be.

You had only meant to take a moment—five minutes to breathe, to stop shaking. The chaos of the ER hadn’t let up all night, and neither had the pressure building in your chest. You needed open air. Space.

You weren’t expecting Robby to follow you.

But when you heard the metal door creak open behind you, you already knew it was him. You didn’t turn. Just stared out over the city, arms crossed tight, jaw locked.

The door slammed shut.

“Seriously?” His voice, low and sharp.

“You’re just gonna walk away and pretend that didn’t just fucking happen?” he said, voice low and tired but no less sharp.

You turned slowly. “What? Saving a life?”

He let out a bitter laugh. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then say what you mean, Michael.”

You laughed once. Bitter. “You can’t even look at me.”

“I am looking at you.”

“No, you’re looking through me,” you snapped. “Like I’m just the new attending going after your job, right?”

“You lied to me, Y/N.”

You felt the sting before the words even settled in the air.

“I didn’t lie.”

“Oh come on, Y/N.”

His face was flushed, breath misting in the chill, eyes burning. The fury was real, but beneath it… the betrayal glinted like a blade.

“You didn’t think I deserved to know?” he asked. “You knew for how long and just decided to smile through shifts like nothing was happening?”

Her own temper snapped like a live wire. “I was trying to keep things from falling apart. I didn’t want any of this! I didn’t ask for this.”

“But you didn’t say no either.”

“I didn’t have a chance to—”

“No,” he cut in, laughing bitterly, “because Gloria made sure you’d take it before I even had time to realize I was being replaced.”

“You are not being replaced, Robby.”

“Oh, aren’t I?” he said, stepping forward. “Because it feels like I’m standing on the roof of a hospital where I’ve killed myself for years—built this ER to survive—and now they’re telling me my new ‘partner’ is the woman I’ve been training, who couldn’t be bothered to tell me any of this before it blew up in my face.”

“You’re twisting it,” you said, voice shaking. “I didn’t betray you—”

“You didn’t trust me.” His voice was quiet now. Hurt threading through each word. “That’s worse.”

You looked away, blinking fast. “You made it pretty clear you don’t trust people who work here. That you don’t want to get close.”

“I was trying to protect you,” he said, louder now. “Because this place eats you alive, and I didn’t want to be stupid enough to care about someone who might leave the second it got too hard.”

“Then why did you look at me like I mattered?” Your voice cracked. “Why did you talk to me at three in the morning like I was something more than just another colleague? Why the hell did you make me feel like—like there was something between us if you were never going to let it be real? Why did you almost kiss me?”

Robby’s jaw clenched.

“Because there is something between us, and I can’t breathe around it,” he hissed. “I don’t sleep. I barely function half the time when you’re not around. And now I find out you’ve been lying to me?”

“I wasn’t lying,” you snapped. “I was scared. And I thought maybe—maybe if I stayed professional, if I kept my distance—you’d see I wasn’t here to make a mess of your life. But it didn’t matter. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for you to choose me.”

The silence that followed was brutal.

Robby took a step back, fists trembling at his sides. “You think I didn’t choose you? I’ve been trying not to fall apart over you for months. And the one time I needed you to choose me, you didn’t.”

“You think I didn’t choose you?” you asked, voice shaking. “I’ve been trying to push my feelings down for months for you Robby. Trying not to want more because you made it clear there was no more to want.”

He didn’t answer.

And that hurt more than anything.

You shook your head, blinking back the sting in your eyes.

“I cared. I still do. But if you’re going to punish me for not reading your mind, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.”

He finally looked at you then. Really looked at you. And the ache in his expression nearly took your breath away.

“I didn’t know how to want you and keep my world intact,” he said.

And maybe that was the truest thing either of you had said all day.

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore. You made sure of that.” You said coldly.

He didn’t know who walked away first.

But when the rooftop emptied, the sky felt heavier than before.

[saeedmohammed025]

Transform Your Future: Why AM Coding Training is a Game Changer

In today’s digital world, the demand for skilled coders and software developers is higher than ever before. Whether you're a student aiming to build a tech career or a working professional looking to upskill, joining a reputable coding training program can significantly impact your future. One such opportunity is AM Coding Training in Kozhikode, which stands out for its practical approach and future-ready curriculum. Let's explore why this training can be a game-changer for your career and how it helps shape the next generation of tech professionals.

Understanding the Need for Coding Skills

The global economy is driven by technology, and coding has become the backbone of this revolution. Every app you use, every website you visit, and most devices you interact with daily run on code. As businesses and services transition to digital platforms, there’s a surge in demand for individuals who can build, maintain, and innovate using code.

Learning to code isn’t just about writing software. It’s about solving problems, thinking logically, and creating digital tools that can impact the world. Whether you're interested in web development, app creation, AI, data science, or cybersecurity, coding skills are essential.

Why Choose AM Coding Training in Kozhikode?

AM Coding Training in Kozhikode has emerged as a preferred choice for aspiring coders and tech enthusiasts across the region. Located in the vibrant city of Kozhikode—often known for its educational hubs and thriving student community—the program offers more than just basic coding instruction.

Here’s why this training can be a transformative experience:

1. Structured Curriculum for All Levels

Whether you are a complete beginner or someone with a little coding knowledge, AM Coding Training in Kozhikode offers courses that cater to all levels. The curriculum is thoughtfully structured to cover foundational programming languages like Python, Java, and JavaScript, before progressing to more advanced topics such as full-stack development, databases, and frameworks like React or Angular.

This progressive structure ensures that learners build strong fundamentals before moving into specialised areas.

2. Hands-On Learning Experience

One of the best methods to learn coding is through practice. The training emphasises practical learning through live coding sessions, mini-projects, and real-world problem-solving. Students are encouraged to write, debug, and optimise their code regularly, mimicking the tasks they’ll encounter in real job scenarios.

This hands-on approach builds confidence and prepares learners to tackle real-world development challenges effectively.

3. Mentorship and Guidance

Another highlight of AM Coding Training in Kozhikode is the personalised mentorship. Students have access to experienced trainers who provide one-on-one guidance and constructive feedback. These mentors not only teach but also motivate, helping learners stay on track and continuously improve.

The interactive sessions encourage active participation, ensuring that learners aren’t just passive recipients of knowledge but active contributors to their learning.

4. Focus on Career Readiness

Coding knowledge alone is not enough in today’s competitive job market. The training goes a step further by incorporating career readiness modules. Resume building, interview preparation, mock coding interviews, and portfolio development are integral parts of the course.

This career-oriented approach means that by the end of the program, learners are not only skilled coders but also job-ready professionals.

5. Flexible Learning Options

Understanding the diverse needs of students and working professionals, the program offers flexible learning schedules, including morning and evening batches. There are also options for weekend classes, allowing even full-time workers to benefit from the program without disrupting their current commitments.

This flexibility makes it easier for anyone, regardless of their background or routine, to pursue coding seriously.

6. Community and Peer Learning

Learning with a community adds value to any educational experience. Students enrolled in AM Coding Training in Kozhikode become part of a vibrant learning community where they can collaborate on projects, share knowledge, and grow together.

This peer-learning environment fosters teamwork, an essential skill in the software development industry.

The Future Scope of Coding in Kozhikode

With the rise of IT startups, e-commerce platforms, and digital services, Kozhikode is rapidly becoming a centre for tech-driven innovation in Kerala. There is a growing demand for software developers, web designers, and app developers in the region.

Completing a comprehensive program like AM Coding Training in Kozhikode equips learners to tap into these local opportunities, while also preparing them for national and global tech roles.

Moreover, the freelancing and remote job markets are booming, and skilled coders from Kozhikode are making their mark globally, working with international clients and companies, all from the comfort of their hometown.

Final Thoughts

If you're looking to step into the tech world or level up your existing skills, AM Coding Training in Kozhikode offers the right platform. With its blend of expert instruction, hands-on practice, and career-oriented support, the program ensures you're not just learning to code—you’re preparing to thrive in the digital economy.

The future belongs to those who can build it, and coding gives you the power to do just that. Invest in yourself today, and let this transformative journey unlock endless possibilities for your tomorrow.

[ckret2]

Apologies if this has been asked before, but I'm working on an AU where Bill gets to go to the equivalent of Xavier's school for gifted children, and thus doesn't destroy an entire dimension in a desperate bid for validation. That of course begs the question, how much of Bill's personality is due to his upbringing, and how much is the trauma of the Massacre and beyond?

I typed a whole reply and then the browser crashed so, my apologies, instead of getting a thoughtful in-depth reply on each bullet point, you're getting the brusque bullet points with minimal elaboration (except for the last few points that I got a screenshot of before they crashed) because I don't wanna type all the detail again

But, here's a (less detailed) list of all the things we KNOW FOR A FACT are true about Bill and his personality as a child:

kids chanted "Cipher, Cipher, he's insane, starting fires with his brain" at him. so he couldn't (or wouldn't) hide his abilities; and he was likely weird or demonstrated behavioral problems that other kids called "insane"

he wanted the crusts cut off his sandwiches

he called his mom to let her know he was coming home from school

his parents say he called shoelaces "fascist" and didn't use them until he was 16

(So his parents lived until he was 16, at least)

He says: "Where I come from, everyone just followed whatever meaning was handed down to them, like ants blindly scrambling over each other's corpses for sugar. I learned from an early age that if I was going to make anything of myself, I was going to need to figure out my own meaning."

he says NOW that his family tried to snuff out his talents; so he probably felt the same way as a kid

as a small child he hated taking medicine (or at least if it was blinding him)

he could be bribed into taking meds with silly straws

Even though silly straws were connected to medical trauma, he still loves them now

The silly straw page says if you kill someone with one it becomes a serious straw; also on that spread a code says he's "bent out of shape" after his family's killed. It's possible these are supposed to be connected, and we're meant to believe he killed his family BEFORE the massacre, with a silly straw. But we can't say that for a fact; it's equally possible "the kill" meant the massacre and the serious straw joke is unrelated

the whole "the mayor declared me the best baby and handed out free knives" thing. It could be a total lie; I personally tend to assume it's a twisting of the truth, suggesting that bill was adored as a small child-either in spite of his strangeness, or before his strangeness manifested.

Even though it was "illegal" to talk about the third dimension, he did it (or tried to do it). So he was a rulebreaker already. (Either that, or it's a thing like Flatland where technically no one knew it wasn't allowed because no one knew it was a THING, until they learned too much and got tossed in jail. We have no way to know.)

That's all we know about what he was like and what he did as a kid.

It tells us very little about his childhood personality. The possibilities run the gamut from "sweet quiet kid bullied for being weird" to "teenage serial killer."

Everything else? WE DON'T KNOW whether he developed those traits as a kid or after the massacre. All we know is that he had to be the kind of person who would do the kind of thing that would end his universe. (But that can vary a LOT depending on how you assume his universe ended, how hard it was, and whether he could've known that would happen.)

I personally headcanon that by the time he was a teen, he was already alienated, resentful, and combative, and willing to manipulate people; and that it was because he had those traits that he was willing to do a fucked up thing that ended his universe.

[saphronethaleph]

The Convenience of Independent Subsystems

R2-D2 beeped, indignantly.

It was something he was quite good at.

If he was being fair, of course, he knew that nobody had actually intended for this to happen. Anakin – or Vader, he’d called himself now, but designations could change – had obviously intended to get back in the fighter and fly back to wherever the Emperor wanted him to go.

And Obi-Wan had clearly been quite distraught about the situation, so he simply hadn’t thought through how Anakin had arrived in the first place. While Padme was entirely incapacitated, so there wasn’t much hope of a good outcome there.

But still. R2 would have expected 3P0 to remember him, and that was a cause for indignant beeping.

He scanned the available frequencies, trying to work out where exactly he should go. Neither 3P0 nor Obi-Wan had been kind enough to notice him, so of course they hadn’t bothered to tell him where to go either, and while there was a hyperspace ring floating up there for him to use it would be pointless to take off without some idea of where to go.

R2 spun his dome around, as he pondered.

Maybe Naboo? Naboo was where he’d started out, and Jar Jar Binks was funny. That was definitely an option.

Or perhaps travelling to Tatooine would be better. C-3P0 was from Tatooine, and a bit of creative mayhem might just solve a few problems.

He’d have a much better idea of where to go if he knew where Padme, Obi-Wan and C-3P0 had gone, but he’d gone through that recently… though, then again, maybe he should take up flying around and doing deeds. Occasionally even good ones.

No, that wasn’t going to work. He was cross-linked into the starfighter systems, to the extent he could certainly operate all the individual controls, but most people weren’t happy with a droid as independent as he was. Especially after all the wars so far.

It would definitely require some thought.

Then something pinged up on his short range scanners, with a very interesting call sign.

“Luke,” Padme declared. “And this one is… Leia.”

She sighed. “I… thank you for being here, Obi-Wan.”

“You’re talking like you’re going to die,” Obi-Wan protested. “Don’t do that.”

“Ani was having dreams, about me dying,” Padme murmured.

“She’s very tired,” the Polis Massa medical droid reported. “She should make a recovery, though I will want to have stern words with her previous OB/GYN.”

Padme looked just guilty enough that Obi-Wan assumed there hadn’t been an OB/GYN, which was probably part of the problem.

Then C-3P0 ran in.

“Mistress Padme!” he said. “Jedi Master Obi-Wan, sir! I have picked up a message from R2-D2!”

“You have?” Obi-Wan asked. “Where… oh.”

His face fell. “He got left on Mustafar, didn’t he? Anakin must have got there somehow.”

“Quite correct, sir,” C-3P0 said. “At least, that he is still near Mustafar, though he has been using the hyperspace ring to broadcast to me. However, the main bulk of his message is relating to a different matter entirely.”

The protocol droid looked uncertain. “Would you be so kind as to elaborate what ‘scratch one Emperor’ means?”

Obi-Wan boggled for a moment.

“...can you confirm that?” he asked.

“I can certainly ask,” C-3P0 replied, holding up a comlink, then twittered into it in binary.

R2 beeped a reply.

“It seems a shuttle broadcasting the code Imperial One flew over to where Master Anakin was,” C-3P0 declared. “So R2 shot it down with Master Anakin’s fighter. It crashed into the lava and exploded.”

Obi-Wan glanced at Padme, who’d passed out after her stressful day.

“...well,” he said. “I think we may need to get R2-D2 a medal. Possibly another medal.”

He paused.

“Maybe a seat on the Jedi Council…”

[witchofthesouls]

I like thinking about humans-into-Cybertronians because of the weird, alien fuckery along with ex-humans making connections to certain things because it's the closest approximation they have.

Imagine if 'running on fumes' is a literal statement among Cybertronians. As their tanks run near empty, there's a petroleum-like taste that lingers in their sinuses and, if left long enough, cycles out of their vents. That's why Cybertronians typically don't like hanging around gas stations because it's a really stark reminder of long-term starvation. Meanwhile, you got an ex-human going like, "Man, I'm starting to taste gas, so I need gas. Huh, y'all have built-in reminders to feed yourself outside of hunger pains? That's neat."

As well as the ex-humans misdiagnosing themselves. Let's take Cybertronian carriage. Humans are used to a pregnancy that completes its course in a designated organ (aka womb), so finding out a mecha had straight up knocked them up that bypassed the initial spark-to-spark teether formation wouldn't freak them out in the ways that a lot of Cybertronians would be really concerned about. Especially the medics and said partner(s).

Ex-human crying over the sonogram because they got told it's a very high-risk pregnancy and all they see is the coming baby is very deformed since it's only a ball within a ball of green soup and silver tendrils. Partner is highly confused yet attempts comforting in varying levels of success.

Cybertronian medic needs to explain that the sparklet is healthy, but ex-human really needs to watch themselves because the entire process will be done within the gestational chamber and goes deep into explaining the complications that can happen.

Partner is absolutely riveted by all the gravity of the matter since the strain of having a full-carriage that initialized in the chamber can put the carrier in danger as there can be coding conflicting with priorities that rends said carrier unconscious or wrecks health complications, especially since there's a high-chance of the newspark not fully detaching from their carrier's spark as the dropping process ensures.

Ex-human that comes from a species where a pregnancy is like getting into a moderate crash, so damage varies each time is happy that they haven't fucked up badly yet and can plan a baby shower. "By the way, when's the due date?"

Medic: "Hard to say with the carriage combined, but it's more in the primary initialization stage. The sparklet's still has a visible, if a bit thin, teether to your spark, and a solid mass hasn't formed yet."

Ex-human: "Okay, so how long?"Medic says incomprehensible length of time for an Earth child and how it can vary.

*Confused ex-human noises over the several human lifetimes is the equivalent of a span to a Cybertronian carriage. And how multiple factors can impact the timeframe.*

*Confused Medic noises out of sheer concern over ex-human's family history, especially over the fact they have extremely and highly dangerously short carriages.*

*Confused partner noises on why their love wants to plan a bathtime for the newspark at this moment, and wonders if ex-human knows that water and infant Cybertronians do not mix.*

Or, another thing. What if the dropping process where the sparklet detaches from the carrier's spark to descend into the gestational chamber below to build its frame has very 'classic'** heart symptoms in a human body?

(** Quick heads up, much of human biology and modern medical understanding derives from male biology. Unfortunately, women usually see atypical symptoms that are more subtle, moderate rather than severe pain/discomfort, or pain in other other locations rather than the chest.)

Ex-human has sudden, excruciatingly chest pain, insides literally quivering and shifting in sync with the bursts. Meanwhile, everyone around them is calm, trying to soothe them, and they think they're honestly dying so fast because there's no rush to the nearby hospital, and everyone is pushing comfort-it's okay-we got you at them.

[sourgrenadine]

tired of the infantilizing “cant do anything for herself” uwu sadgirl depiction of anya mouthwashing.

despite what jimmy says about her, shes competent enough as a nurse to keep curly alive for MONTHS with limited medical supplies. like, this man who had both hands and feet amputated and his skin ripped off (and presumably getting hurt by jimmy afterward). if jimmy took any credit for it, im convinced he downplayed whatever anya did to make his contribution seem bigger.

and yes, she wanted curly to step in after jimmy sa’d her, and yes she wants to avoid direct confrontation, but THEYRE LITERALLY IN A SPACE SHIP IN THE MIDDLE OF SPACE. OF COURSE SHE WANTS TO AVOID FIGHTING THE MAN SHE KNOWS IS CAPABLE OF VIOLENCE.

one of the biggest points of the game is that the captain alone has the responsibility to take care of the crew (and is really the only one capable of running the ship.) all forms of self defense are locked away behind the captains code scanner. its not just that anya is powerless, but swansea and daisuke are too, (and curly post crash).

curly is the captain of the ship, it is his responsibility to take care of the crew. she told swansea after the crash, presumably to warn him about jimmy. even pre-crash, she hides the gun box so jimmy doesnt get to it. she knows jimmy is a danger (not just to herself but to the rest of the crew) and tries to do something about it when she realizes curly isnt taking her as seriously as he should.

she literally tries to take matters into her own hands to prevent jimmy from hurting anyone else.

[lpmurphy]

Begin Again

<- Previous Next ->

Summary: It had been thirty years since his truck tires rolled out of her drive for the last time. Even longer since the day his locker door slammed shut beside hers and marked the beginning of Jack Abbot. Beth had never expected it to end. Never expected to live a lifetime with only the ghost of the boy who promised her one together. She never expected to see him again. Until that curtain flung open, and there he was. And just like that, Jack Abbot began again.

Notes: jack abbot/single mom!ofc, reunited high school sweethearts, second chance romance, slow (emphasis on the SLOW) burn, seriously it's slow, ofc’s daughter is a teenage gen z menace and we love her for it, angst/longing/yearning to the max, hurt/comfort, author is just an english teacher with no medical background, eventual smut, jack and ofc are emotionally constipated idiots

Word Count: 6,243

Read on AO3

Chapter Twelve: Stay a Little Longer

“Six still back, two pending admits, nothing crashing. Bed 3’s your NSTEMI. Cardiology’s taking him, heparin’s running, stable. Bed 6’s abdo pain, maybe appy, surgery’s watching, NPO. 9’s our frequent flyer; ETOH, tried to swing at the nurse, now sleeping it off. Bed 1’s your fall. C clean, PT eval pending, maybe home. Kid in 4 has a virus, waiting on a flu swab and for mom to get the hell of WebMD before she convinces herself that he has Ebola. And Jane Doe’s your OD; ICU bed’s being cleaned. Should be down to get her within the hour. Oh. Almost forgot. Rectal foreign body removal in Bed 7. No complications, unless you count the fact that it was a bottle of Frank’s RedHot. So, we’re officially zero days without ass stuff.”

Jack stifled a yawn as he passed the iPad across the counter to Beth, who blinked slowly and shook her head while she absorbed the last addition to his handoff. It hadn’t been a bad shift, exactly—nothing crashing, no codes, no unfixable disasters—but it had been relentless. A small mercy, he guessed. He hadn’t sat down more than twice in twelve hours, and he’d spent more of it than he cared to admit feeling like a dog who’d just had his nose rubbed in his own mess, courtesy of his little come-to-Jesus moment with Grier, so he’d take the ones he could get. 

And then, to top it all off, he had to figure out the best way to extract a piece of household recycling from a grown man’s rectum without ever making eye contact. He was beyond ready to get the hell out of there.

But he didn’t mind hanging around a few extra minutes for handoff. Especially when it was her morning.

Beth stood across from him at the counter, looking like the human embodiment of eight hours of sleep and none of the things he’d seen tonight. Her hair was still down, a plastic white bow-shaped clip that obviously belonged to the kid clipped to her vest. Glasses on. Clear-eyed and awake. Zero exposure to rectal contraband. She slung her stethoscope around her neck and set her mug down before she took the tablet from him. 

She scrolled with one finger. “Oh gee,” she murmured, brow lifting slightly. “How’d that end up in there?”

He leaned his elbows on the counter, feigning concern. “Actually, funny you should ask. Craziest thing, get this; he has no idea.”

“Of course not. Why would he know such a thing? How rude of me to even ask,” she smirked, glancing up at him over her glasses before her eyes returned to the screen to review the Jane Doe’s toxicology report. “That’s what…three days since our last incident? I’d say that’s a new record.”

“Historic,” Jack said. “We should call Guinness. Maybe we’ll get a plaque.”

That earned a quiet laugh; more breath than sound. She pressed her lips together like she was trying not to smile, but didn’t quite succeed.

Her gaze lifted, just for a second, and landed on his. It wasn’t much, barely a glance, but it held. Just long enough to stir something in his chest that he wasn’t about to name. Something that had been waiting there, patient and quiet, for longer than he liked to admit. She dropped her eyes first, back down to the screen like nothing had passed between them at all, and he leaned a little more heavily on the counter. But that little smile didn’t drop. 

“I think we have an obligation to, honestly,” Beth said, adjusting her glasses like she was considering. “It’s a matter of public record.”

Jack nodded solemnly. “We owe it to science. History will want to know.”

“Exactly,” she said, still fighting that smile he hadn’t realized something in him was chanting for. “This is a teaching hospital, after all. Future generations must learn from our suffering.”

“Three days without ass stuff,” he said, with all the gravity of a eulogy. “Let it be carved into the walls.”

That earned it; that laugh. Not a polite one, but a burst of real amusement that startled out of her and made something in his chest go painfully warm. She shook her head, smiling so hard it scrunched her nose and made her eyes go soft, and God, if that didn’t hit him the same way it always used to when they were kids. Back when that smile could stop him mid-sentence and make him forget whatever smartass thing he was about to say.

Still could, apparently.

She dipped her head and tried to hide the way her lips stayed curled even after the laugh was gone. Her fingers moved across the tablet again, all business, but her shoulders hadn’t quite settled. Jack just stood there like an idiot, soaking in the sound of her laugh like he could bottle it up and store it somewhere for later.

He eased against the counter, voice low and softer in a way that surprised him a little. “Good morning.”

Beth returned the look, a quiet smile tugging at her lips as she gently pulled her hair free from under the stethoscope. “Good morning. Sounds like you had a long night.”

Jack gave a dry little smile. “Nothing a shower, a few Advil, and a beer can’t fix. Or two. Fine. Maybe three.”

“Oh, so just the basics then?”

“Exactly. Textbook recovery plan. Good as new.”

That earned her full smile again. “I bet you’re dying to get out of here, then.”

“No kidding,” Jack said, but didn’t move.

Just a few more minutes wouldn’t kill anyone. 

She was still standing across from him, scrolling through the chart, brow creased in quiet concentration. Same look she used to get when she was buried in notes a lifetime ago, chewing on the end of a highlighter or tapping her foot without realizing it. He used to watch her then, too; half in awe, half wondering how someone could hold so much fire and still be so gentle with it.

Maybe he could think up another patient to fill her in on. Just one more bit of bullshit. Something to justify how long he had already stood around without being on the clock.

He cleared his throat. “9’s a biter, by the way. Nearly got me earlier. Consider yourself warned.”

“Careful,” she said without looking up, flipping to the next screen. “I think that’s how you end up with superpowers.”

“That how it works, nerd?”

She rolled her eyes, fighting a smirk. “That or rabies,” she replied flatly.

He huffed out a laugh. “Real toss-up.”

Another low laugh puffed from her and something burned bright in his chest at the smile it brought with it. It lingered only a moment, then her shoulders dipped slightly, eyes dropping quickly back to the screen and her face dropping with it. She set the tablet down and crossed her arms, her fingers toying with the clip for a moment like she was trying to think of what to say next. 

“I should probably let you get going then,” she said, looking up at the tracking board.

“Probably.”

Neither of them moved.

Beth stayed where she was, eyes flicking down the tablet again, one hand absently toying with the clip on her vest. She squeezed the hinge a few times like she didn’t even notice she was doing it. She probably didn’t; she hadn’t used too when she fidgeted. He’d placed his hand over tapping pens or fingers obsessing with the hem of her shirtsleeve more times than he could count when her mind started running faster than she could catch it. He didn’t need to look to know. He could sense it before it even started back then. Jack straightened up out of the lean, stretching his back a little, but didn’t take the step back he probably should have. 

He got it. If the chain was still on that door, he’d understand. He was the reason it was latched in the first place.

He crossed his arms, feeling the weight of the night still clinging to him like grime; thick behind his eyes, deep in his muscles. He shifted his weight again and cleared his throat, watching her thumb click the clip once more before he spoke.

“How was Abby’s first week back?” he asked, keeping his tone light. Casual, if a little rough from the end of shift and not enough water. Just a question between coworkers. Just small talk. Nothing else.

Beth’s hand stilled. The clip stayed pinched between her fingers for a beat before she let it go and looked up at him, something in her expression softening.

“Really good, actually,” Beth said, the hardened mask she slipped into fading as it was replaced by the soft curve of her lips. “She’s liking all of her classes so far. Went to the first home game last night, then had a few friends spend the night after. She’s off to another friend’s house tonight, thank god.”

Jack tipped his head slightly. “Empty house then, huh?”

“You have no idea,” she sighed, nervous hands toying with her stethoscope like her body was already halfway into the shift ahead. “My parents surprised her and came down for the week, and then I had four teenagers in my house last night. I love my girl, don’t get me wrong; but I need a little quiet.”

“Four, huh?” He leaned his weight back onto one hip. “And you survived to tell the tale? Quite the feat.”

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she said, finally pulling her eyes from the board. Blue found him again, something fond and affectionate quickening her words. There she is, he thought. She always talked a mile a minute when she was talking about something she cared about like she needed to pour it all out before someone stopped listening. He never did. Not for a damn second.

She stepped casually toward the counter again. “I went to DisneyWorld with her cheer squad in February. I’ll take four over twenty any day of the week. And once volleyball starts back up, I’ll have the entire team in my living room.”

Jack gave a low whistle, eyebrows raised. “So you’re the fun house, huh?”

“ Obviously, ” she said with mock pride, reaching for her coffee like it was a trophy. “I wait until at least 2 a.m. before I start yelling at them to go to bed. It’s practically a frat.”

“Wow. How gracious of you.”

“What can I say?” She sighed and lifted one shoulder in a faux-humble shrug. “I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.”

She laughed again, bright, easy, and real, and Jack felt it settle in him like a coin dropped into a deep well, hitting something old and familiar at the bottom that last night had knocked loose. He wasn’t quite sure if he even knew what that something was yet, but he knew he liked the feeling. The way it crept through him in a warm crawl until the last twelve hours felt like a distant memory he had to squint at before he could start to wonder if it was his to feel anymore. That eighteen-year-old who used to chase it like a storm, living for the next moment he could hear it with some stupid joke or kiss to her neck when she was pissed off at him surfaced for a moment, that dumb grin plastered across his face even now. 

He didn’t say anything right away. Just watched her skim the patient board again, her lips still tugged up faintly, her eyes clear. She leaned her elbows against the counter across from him, close enough that he could chart the faded freckles across her nose after she adjusted her glasses, mumbling under her breath as she read through the last of the patient charts. 

For a moment, he saw that girl he knew across from him clear as daylight. Like she was still that same girl who’d always known how to step into a room and quietly take care of everyone else before herself.

He cleared his throat lightly. “You’re good at that, you know.”

Beth didn’t glance up. “At yelling at teenagers?”

“No,” he said quietly, and this time he didn’t bother to look away. “At taking care of people.”

Beth’s fingers paused mid-scroll on the tablet. She didn’t look up at first, just went still like the words had caught her somewhere unexpected. And when she did finally glance over, it was slower; less guarded, but a little unsure, like she wasn’t sure if she’d imagined the softness in his voice. Color crept into her cheeks, and she ducked her head almost shyly, the motion so familiar it hit him like a kick in the gut. She tried to cover it with a sip from her mug, cleared her throat, and looked back at the screen like it demanded her full attention. But that smile tugged at her mouth anyway. For a quiet moment, she was just that girl, and he was just that boy chasing that smile the same as he used to.

Hell, maybe he still was. Maybe he never stopped. Maybe that’s why it felt so damn good now.

And God, it felt good.

Felt good the same way it had around that table last week, when her laugh had rung out louder than she meant it to and she’d tried to hide it behind her sleeve. The same way it had when she caught him watching her, and didn’t look away. Just raised her eyebrows like she used to, daring him to say whatever he was thinking. When he found himself working twice as hard to see an identical smile on the face across the table as well.

She’d always had that edge; like she’d been built from flint and dared the world to try her. Tough. Proud. Sharp enough to keep people from getting too close until they proved to her they should, only to be met with all that damn softness she kept protected behind those walls. Like she had something to prove in all of that confidence and grit and wit. Except him. She’d never had to prove a damn thing to him. 

She still didn’t.

She hadn’t changed much. Still careful with herself. Still guarded in all the same ways. And still, here he was, older, wearier, and no smarter, watching her, waiting on that smile like it was something he hadn’t already memorized a hundred times over.

Maybe that was the thing no one told him about getting older. Some parts didn’t. Some pieces stayed stuck in place the same for him as they had for her.

That same tough girl walked into the Pitt that first day just as guarded, those walls rebuilt a little higher, and damn him if that same boy wasn’t working just as hard to be let through the door.

That door had swung shut the moment he left. When her last letter came that first week of January, she made it clear she’d locked and deadbolted it behind him.

You left like I was never a reason to stay, she wrote. But leaving was your choice, Jack. Letting you go will be mine. 

He remembered every aching word of it like it was carved into him. He’d sat on the floor and let himself cry for the first time when she said it was the last letter. When she said goodbye. Because it meant that it really was over. At least when that letter came every week, he could pretend a little longer. Finality came sealed in an envelope addressed in handwriting he could still pick out of a lineup. Those letters lived in a box of his old Army shit in a storage unit beside the ones he never sent and could never bring himself to throw away. Words he’d been too cowardly to say. Words the girl who wrote every week despite it all deserved to read. 

But that girl peeked out from behind the door that she’d cracked open just barely when he knocked. And from the way she glanced up at him over her glasses, still leaned across from him in a hospital with a few more lines on their faces and a world’s worth of time between them, he knew he wasn’t done. 

What had she said to that burn patient a couple of weeks back? Ten seconds of brave? Hell, he did nearly an hour of it the night before. He could do ten seconds. She deserved far more than ten seconds.

So he knocked again.

“Hey,” Jack said, tapping his knuckles once against the counter absently, like he hadn’t fully decided to say something until the sound was already there between them. “Got any plans tomorrow night?”

Beth kept her focus on the tablet a second longer than necessary, scrolling once more before letting the screen go dark. Only then did she glance over at him, eyebrows lifted slightly.

“Yeah,” she said, that smile tilting just a little at the corner. “Don’t you?”

Jack’s brows furrowed. “Do I?”

Beth’s eyes narrowed, teasing, like she was waiting to see if he’d figure it out himself. He gave her a look, still not quite catching on.

“Javadi’s twenty-first?” she said, tilting her head like she couldn’t believe he’d forgotten. “Haggerty’s? Santos organized it. Sent a group text last week. Pretty sure you thumbs-up reacted to it.”

He let out a quiet groan, leaning on one elbow. “Right. That thing.”

“That thing.” Beth smirked, already picking her coffee back up. “You going? Or are you going to make the old lady babysit alone?”

“Isn’t Dana going? Seems like something she’d be all over.”

“Who do you think I’m babysitting?” She smirked, sipping from her mug.

Jack let out a breath of a laugh, nodding before he even fully meant to. He hadn’t planned on spending one of his rare nights off shoulder to shoulder in a sticky dive bar with half the staff drinking like monsters. And it sure as hell didn’t seem like the place to say Hey, sorry I walked out on you and broke your heart. I broke my own the moment I decided to go. That kind of thing didn’t land well between rounds of cheap tequila and shouting over karaoke.

But he nodded anyway. “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll be there.”

Beth smiled again at that. A smaller one, more to herself than to him, and something tugged tight in his chest when she murmured, “Good.”

He almost said something else. Something about how it would be nice to see her outside of handoffs and trauma bays. Something about how he missed seeing her smile like that. But Dana’s voice cut through the noise a second later, sharp and urgent. 

“Incoming GSW, ETA three minutes!”

“That’s my cue,” Beth was already turning, already moving like she hadn’t just knocked the wind out of him with a single word. She paused just long enough to look back over her shoulder. “Get some rest, Jack.”

He offered a little wave in return, two fingers lifted in lazy acknowledgment, but she was already in motion. He turned toward the ambulance bay doors, his body moving on autopilot even as his mind stayed two steps behind, still in that laugh, that smile, that soft murmur of good. Just before he cleared the doors, he glanced back, just long enough to catch the trailing edge of her ponytail disappearing around the corner.

Just long enough to feel something familiar settle in his chest again.

Good.

[doledition]

Hadia the Bride (NPC EDITION)

(from dolgl pc questionnaire archives: if your pc were an npc in DOL, how do you think they'd interact with the player character? how would you be able to romance/befriend them, and how would they fit into the general atmosphere of the town? any special events concerning them?

i only ever did a version with hadia and never with dahlia, and i guess this question is as good as anything in order to get a certain...idea about her hehe. tw for noncon/dubcon, human experimentation, mentions of gore)

I see two routes possible in order to romance Hadia. One route would be meeting her, per usual, as an npc from the orphanage. She’d appear finicky, nervous, and frightened- here an npc could comment on how hadia has been missing from the orphanage for weeks, and how they were all worried about her. This could also serve as a mini crash course into how being kidnapped works in game. 

She’d have two unique stats: one similar to robin’s ‘confidence’ stat which functions almost as a coverup to the secret stat which you’d only be able to find in game code: ‘hunting’. The ‘confidence’ stat and ‘hunting’ stat correlate-the higher the confidence stat goes up the higher the hunting stat goes up as well. Interestingly enough, these stats would make her flirt with the PC without prompting, as well as showing off more of a ‘genuine’ personality that would compliment each of the personality types in dol. 

A defiant PC, once the confidence and hunting stat go up, would see Hadia as uniquely traumatized by her marriage to Eden, and she’d frequently frame PC as her ‘protector’ and her ‘truest love’. One thread that I think would be consistent regardless of romancing her would be Hadia increasingly using PC for ‘favors’ under the guise of her being unable to do them on her own.  

Whereas neutral and submissive pc’s would get more lackadaisical, ‘safe’ requests (going out and buying groceries for her, fighting back her tormentors, helping her) dominant pc’s would get unique requests which would make her hunting stat shoot up regardless of her confidence stat: they’d go scout the forest for her, collect herbs, talk to npc’s she’s too ‘shy’ to interact with. While these requests seem more mild on the surface, in reality it would be helping her with her hunting animal people/experimenting on divine tf’s. 

Submissive PC’s get a version of Hadia that’s more dominant, in a sense. She’d slip into more of a ‘protector’ role for them-while she still would not fight for them, she’d come to make them rely on her as a big sister type of role, while balancing a delicate line between ‘helpless housewife’ and trying on an identity of ‘victor.’ she’d begin to, similar to dominant pc’s, trauma dump on the PC, increasing PC’s stress. 

From there she’d offer to help ‘alleviate’ it- if you’re a normal human, she offers you tea. If you have a divine tf/animal person tf, this devolves into Hadia feeding you a version of the tea spiked with aphrodisiacs, from which she’ll pretend she didn’t realize what was in it and offer to ‘help’ you out. If you accept, the two of you will have sex , in which Hadia will make some ‘comments’ about PC’s tf that certainly Are Not Worrying. If you refuse and leave, your overall lust stat increases along with your stress until you’re overall forced to ask Hadia for help, to which she agrees and masturbates you. 

Neutral PC’s get maybe the ‘truest’ version of Hadia possible, as there is no perceived role she feels she has to play. They get hidden dialogue routes as well-such as finding out Hadia’s rudimentary medical knowledge quicker than the other PC’s. Interestingly enough, this is the only PC which could have something resembling a ‘healthier’ relationship with Hadia, as well as opportunities to raise her confidence stat independent of her hunting stat and vice versa. Not fully fleshed out but Neutral PC’s can also get a secret option if their rape fame and ‘deviancy’ fame is high enough which only comes up during the ‘end’ of their route. 

This comes to a head in a confrontation with Eden. This is an event which could happen if you get Hadia’s confidence and hunting stats up to 100-her love stat will never cap past 70 for any PC’s besides Neutral PC’s, tf’s or not. ‘Dominant’ PC’s will be roped into Hadia’s plan to kill Eden, serving as a ‘meat bag’ for her. After she defeats Eden, both PC and Hadia will be wounded, and flee into the forest together, where they get sent to the asylum. 

If PC is at high trauma and stress, the arrival at the asylum will continue on as normal. However, a month into their stay, they run into Hadia, who pretends to not remember them. She will be introduced as Harper’s ‘intern’ who takes a special interest in the player, and will experiment on them. 

The same thing will happen to a Submissive PC, but instead of being roped into a scheme to kill Eden, they will be lured into the forest by Hadia screaming that Eden’s attacking her. Neutral PC’s sidestep this interaction altogether: instead, Hadia will flat out tell them her plan, and offer to join her as her ‘love’. 

If PC accepts, the two will kill Eden and take up residence in the cabin as a couple. Overtime, Hadia will begin to covertly experiment on the PC-this would be foreshadowed through higher trauma/stress gains in the cabin, and random fainting spells in which Hadia would fuss over you. Eventually, a unique TF will show on you, and Hadia will own up to it gleefully. If you attempt to attack her, she will manage to subdue you and apologize, before placing a shock collar on you. You can then claim her as a LI, and gain the stockholm syndrome: Hadia buff. She will treat you similar to how Eden treats PC post Stockholm syndrome, but give you considerable more freedom and shower you in love.

If the PC refuses, Hadia will kidnap the player and lock them in the cellar. The PC will come to in the aftermath of Eden dying, but chained up as Hadia’s ‘pet’. You will also then claim the stockholm syndrome: Hadia trait, but unlike the ‘Wife Ending, you get considerably less freedom/less say over Hadia’s experiments