#Dont worry i didnt get anything nasty everyone was respectful

[certifiedlibraryposts]

re the palestinian bird thing: different anon here, idk what they meant but it’s worth noting that, in addition to political fuckery, that the campaign to remove the word “palestine” from the bird's name might have partially been an attempt to correct a bit of historical revisionism. the only reason that region of the world is commonly known as palestine today in the first place is because the roman empire renamed the area to “syria palaestina” after the roman-jewish wars. they had previously allowed the province to be called judea/judaea, as in jews and the jewish kingdoms that existed there before being conquered. and it wasn't until much later that the arabs now known as palestinians came to be. (disclaimer: I don't speak hebrew and can't be bothered to track down hebrew articles from a decade ago to translate by hand to fact check how much this played into the bird thing but it is a reasonable possibility and an understandable one, as jewish heritage has been so often destroyed and erased. regardless, the palestinian response to make the bird a symbol is equally understandable.) relatedly, be careful about the phrase “from the river to the sea”, because while it's sometimes about palestinian liberation, it's also often used as a dogwhistle that means “kill all jews in the levant”; and the dogwhistle version has become increasingly common as of late. look into the organization called standing together for antisemitism-free activism and jewish/palestinian solidarity.

I see what you mean, the history you mentioned seems to check out and it's unquestionably been a tumultuous part of the world that's been given a lot of different names over time. However I don't really feel comfortable in agreeing it was combating revisionism because it happened during what I understand to be a violent occupation. Without a source or truly knowing the intentions it's just kind of speculation.

"From the river to the sea" was used in that post in the context of Palestinian freedom and peace. Related to that point, I also received another ask concerned with my use of the word "zionist" as it has historically described a very wide range of ideas, and has also been used as an antisemitic dogwhistle. That was not my intent, it's the word I was most familiar with to get across my point that I don't support violence against or the erasure of Palestinian culture. Those using violence and calls for peace to excuse antisemitism are despicable. One can and should be an ally of both Palestinians and Jewish people.

I looked up Standing Together, I can certainly get behind their message of peace and cooperation, and people in Israel who are working to end the genocide deserve so much respect and admiration. It seems like reception to the movement has been mostly positive, but I feel it'd be irresponsible not to mention that the PACBI wing of the BDS movement has taken issue with it in the past week. I don't feel qualified to take a definitive stance either way, especially as I also can't read Hebrew or Arabic to get more direct contex. I encourage anyone interested to learn more and come to your own conclusions.

My overall point is that I do not support the genocide the Israeli miltary is enacting on the Palestinian people. I want to share more posts about Palestinian culture, art, and joy in a time where there is effort being made to erase it.

Finally, while I do my best to make sure what goes on this blog is accurate, I just wanna make it clear that I'm neither an expert at research, nor am I able to be a definitive resource for this topic (or frankly most things).

[away-ward]

I love one of your latest asks about will being weak because it's so true!!! Anon, im with you on this! Weak men and MMCs are truly a fucking disease!!!

Ok i feel like this other topic has been discussed here but maybe not, i dont remember, but its about how will always reminds emmy and himself that emmy didnt fit in with his friends, as if theres something wrong with her for not fitting into a label and box that they have for everyone else (as if these characters themselves did not spend their whole fucking books and lives fighting against people labelling them and putting them in a box, but hey everyone in DN are fucking hypocrites, we knew this already), while at the same time will himself had never made much effort to fit into emmy's life or get to know her lifestyle, to be her friend or get to know her deeper outside of what he wanted. It still doesnt make sense because i believe if will wa smore respectful and kind towards his approach with emmy, we couldve gotten a friends to best friends to lovers arc!!!! Maybe we can even get some betrayal and separation to justify will's anger, like think about it. The missed opportunity!!!

I also think there's something wrong and weird with the way will went about this "emmy not fitting in" because from the way ke kept on saying it made me believe that the horsemen were some wonderful group of people to fit in with or something, but in reality, it's just a group of super privileged MMCs and FMCs with ugly ass characters, personalities, lifestyles, with varying degree of misogyny. My first thought was, "now why the fuck would you shame a women for not fitting in with a bunch of nasty people, with nasty moral, and nasty personalities, as if EMMY was the weird guy, and not the other way around". Like theres something wrong with the way the whole crew went about it. And thats why i also believe that alex's attack of emmy in the train wasnt just out of worry for aydin's safety and jealousy for whatever bullshit manipulation of aydin made she think about aydin x emmy, but also because alex probably had at a certain point put emmy on a different pedestal than other women she met in life, be it because of will or because of the way he saw other men treat emmy as compared to alex. So when alex found out that blackchurch emmy wasnt so different than her lifestyle, i think alex trying to fight emmy in the train and later on demanding for her underwear back from emmy was not just out of petty fight, but it was to prove to everyone the things alex said to em in blackchurch "i knew you could do this too". Implying that emmy was just like the crew in thunder bay, even if emmy might never admit it out loud. Alex probably had misinterpreted emmy as being judging towards her life to just because everyone else does, and emmy never said much of anything. We dont even know how much alex knew about her. Now, on the other side though, we knew from emmy's pov that emmy never had a problem with what she wanted or even the horsemen or alex, the only problem is she thought she couldnt have them, but how was the rest supposed to know this right? And so this might also be one of the cause of misunderstanding between alex and emmy. To show that emmy was not so above everyone else, that she wa sjust "like us", and mistaking that emmy looked down on them for this particular lifestyle like aydin did to alex. Because aydin had shamed alex in many ways for her lifestyle, out of his own resentment and shortcoming, so i feel like this could also be where alex was coming from. HOWEVER, I hate alex even more for this though because alex couldve just asked emmy where she came from (theyre "friends"!!!), but alex made assumptions about emmy, humiliate her in front of everyone, and tried to put emmy down just to look good in front of the rest, and that all happened because of internalised misogyny. Literally, there wa sno excuse for this because we never saw emmy did the same, nit even with her female bullies at school. One of your alex's anon asks in the past was right, alex shouldve had this same energy (or even worse) with aydin and call him out and beat him up instead for treating her like a dirtbag, but why hurt emmy? No explanation here, it's internalised misogyny, lmao! I hate this repeated misogynistic plotline from pd so much! Why cant they let these women be pillars for each other and build amazing healthy female relationship instead of always cretaing female rivalries? Idk, the more that i think about alex's character, the ickier she gets, and i hate it because pd framed her to her to be this "pure good morally right person viking", and im like, where? And on the same note, wasnt emmy the same? But why was she framed differently?You all are right, even alex was guilty by association, just by being around the horsemen nd their wives + crew. Unfortunately, alex, just like the rest, was a delusional bitch, no wonder she said something about emmy's presence as being grounding. Someone needs to pop their thunder bay bubble asap!

That leads to my next point. DN series turned me off for a different reason: all these grown adult men and women always be doing the most vile things to others (almost always undeservingly) and they wont own up to it. Interesting how their moral judgment is very relative, because as long as they're not micah's terrorist father or gabriel or evans or trevor level of nasty, they're consider and label THEMSELVES as good? Delusional privileged people behaviour! Cowards! They be saying things like "own it, before it owns you" but then go out if their way to try to justify their bad deeds as if we readers are stupid or something. They look like cowards to me honestly, because pd couldve used this to make it about morally grey or black villains who dgaf about anyone and living their life to the fullest, doing ACTUAL crimes, not just petty ones and own them (even rowan in The Fine Print was more a piece of shit than Michael when it comes to business ethics, and he's in a romcom bro, so embarrassing!), but pd made their characters to be the worst of the cowards and losers. I think one of your damon hate asks even mentioned about their unsatisfaction towards damon's character where he was unskilled and incompetent, even in his own crime, because everything he did, he was never active, always had someone's help to make it happen, but readers ate it up, acting as if he was this super competent guy doing everything or smth like that. Which i agree 100%, because not even damon who got special treatment by pd was someone amazing due of his own lacking that went unnoticed just because he was "seen" as hot to some. Just like that anon, maybe im just like them where i hate incompetent and unskilled men, and i would never love to read stories about these kind of MMCs or date irl men like them, so maybe thats why i noticed this even more than the rest. Being conventionally attractive and having that as your main attributes doesnt do it for me especially for a long term/ lasting relationship and admiration, they have to have somethimg going on in theirpersonal and professional lives for them to be interesting to me, and i noticed, this was what dark romance genre was always lacking.

I believe that dark romance is a hard subgenre to write, because not only it is already hard to write non-dark romance, now you have another layer of darker elements that you gotta add to make your stories work. I've never read one DarkRom book that i truly love because of this. My favourites were always non-darkrom because darkrom always felt lackluster and incomplete, i always felt like they lack substance, so as much as i might like their themes explored, writing style. or characters, or plot, or settings, i can never give them a full 5 stars, because theyre not enough for me. Let me know if you notice this too, or if you find your expectations for darkrom having a lot /not much difference than non-darkrom. Idk if others feel like this too, but these were what took my enjoyment from this series. The DN series was shallow and cheap for these reasons among many others, especially the "there was not much concrete substance" part, because even the substance was not grounding enough to me. I just need more i guess, idk. In fact, i wish it was more unhinged, because if theres one thing about pd that i like, its their writing style. They can really write great spooky or suspense-building stories, i gotta give them that. Not many non-horror or thriller authors ive read so far that could write spooky scenes or danger-consuming scenes like pd, and i was disspointed that they did not capitalise more on this. Ngl, if pd wrote thrille ror horror one day, i might even pre-order it, because one of the best thrillerxsuspense opening from a non-thriller books was Credence by them. The first few chapters were kinda eery in a reality-grounding way when you read books by famous horror thriller writers, the same goes with hideaway. Ngl, nightfall's opening was more goofy to me than it was scary, im so sorry pd 😭🤣

Anon, im with you on this! Weak men and MMCs are truly a fucking disease!!!

You guys are so funny. I feel like a middle man for your conversations. Like I’m playing telephone or something. I think I’m gonna have to go back and start labeling the Anon messages with numbers or something so you can reference each other.

Let me know if this is okay with all of you or if you have a problem.

I’m going to let you know before we get into it, that I’m in a mood as I’m typing this. I’m not sure what’s caused it, but I’m feeling a bit more sarcastic than usual and feeling less like editing myself. So this is going to be a long one and I hope you read the sarcasm for what it is. Remember, bold is not for emphasis but for ease of skimming and reading.

will always reminds emmy and himself that emmy didnt fit in with his friends

I would be surprised if there was a topic we haven’t touched on by this point. I have thought about this so I also can’t remember if I’ve talked about or just ranted to myself. Either way, I don’t think it’s the first time the issue has been raised. I know that I have discussed how Will’s privileged blinded him, and how his attitude about his privilege probably didn’t seem all that bad to him because of his peers. They were all in the same boat.

I mean yacht.

And I think I’ve mentioned that even without the abuse, Emmy still would have had a hard time fitting because of her lack of privilege. So I don’t think for either of them being aware of this reality is a bad thing. What irritated me the most about this situation was Will pursuing Emory so heavily, only to remind her that she’s replaceable anytime she didn’t do what he wanted. My reaction in that situation would have been “then replaceable me.” Similar to Em’s. It was such backwards thinking. Like he could somehow trick her into wanting him by reminding her that he was desirable to others. Reverse psychology at its worst, truly.

But I think that’s probably what I liked about Will more than the others. He actually had realistic path to grow?

I don’t know. Sometime when people talk about characters, it seems like they want the characters to have already reached their full potential and all their mistakes be because of external issues. And I'm not accusing you of that, but it's a trend I've seen. This always sticks out to me because I love when characters mess up and change, as long as that growth makes sense. Whether it's for the better or worse, it should make some sort of sense. People aren’t always great. Sometimes people suck. Just genuinely suck. And then, as they have life experiences, they can grow into a better person.

For me, Will takes this course. He sucked, because he wasn’t even aware of how badly he was messing up. Sure, his intentions with Emmy were sincere, but even if he did become aware of the abuse while they were in school, I have no doubt that his immaturity would have messed it up even more. Either way, he could have then had experiences that formed him into the person we see towards the end. Someone who can admit their mistakes, and forfeit what they want if it would make the people they care for happier. We never got to see a fully developed Will, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the direction he was going in.

And this opposes his friends. Michael and Kai didn’t undergo such a changed. They sort of stayed the same throughout their story. They just got what they wanted in the end and it made them happier. Yay. Damon did undergo a significant change, but as it’s been pointed out, the way it happened and how quickly was sort of unbelievable. Will has the most believable story line in terms of development. He still sucked. But sucked slightly less at the end, and I could easily see how he got to that point.

But that’s just me. I get where you’re coming from.

if will wa smore respectful and kind towards his approach with emmy, we couldve gotten a friends to best friends to lovers arc!!!! Maybe we can even get some betrayal and separation to justify will's anger, like think about it. The missed opportunity!!!

True, but like I said, I feel that Will thought he was being respectful and kind, because he was blind to the reality of how Emmy would interpret his attentions. He’d never experienced that level of rejection before, and because he didn’t know about the abuse, he couldn’t see a reason for it. Wasn’t he being nice by doing her homework? Wasn’t he being nice by listening to her when she complained that they were ruining her pool time? Wasn’t he being nice by giving her a ride home? Sure, she put up a fight, but she secretly liked it because he saw her reaction in the science lab. He’s giving her a way to act on those thoughts without forcing her to embarrass herself by admitting she wants it.

Isn’t. He. So. NICE???

And as the reader, we’re like no. You’re literally ruining her life! AND disrespecting her, because she told you no.

Friends-to-lovers isn’t my usual go-to. But I also don’t like second-chance romance, which all of DN basically is sooo…. Plus, I did read a whole book just to delude myself into getting a friends-to-lovers willemmy, so safe to stay I might have really enjoyed that. It would have been a nice break from the usual with this series.

it made me believe that the horsemen were some wonderful group of people to fit in with or something

I mean. It seems to me that most wealthy, privileged people think everyone wants to be like them. And, if we’re talking about their time in high school, then that way of thinking is probably even more prevalent. These are people who don’t really experience life outside of their wealth, so it’s normal to them. And if you don’t have what’s normal, wouldn’t you want it? Aren’t these life’s necessities? And they wouldn’t see each other as bad people, so for Emmy to point out their flaws and go “you guys are horrible people”, doesn’t make sense to them. Because

They’re good people. They’re not out there ruining other people’s lives. They’re just having fun. They’re not like Anderson or their parents or Martin, after all. Those are the really bad people. Why couldn’t Emmy tell the difference?

Obviously, it’s because she’s a judgmental hag who never wanted to see them clearly to begin with because it would ruin her superiority complex.

That’s seems to be his reasoning, at least.

because alex probably had at a certain point put emmy on a different pedestal than other women she met in life, be it because of will or because of the way he saw other men treat emmy as compared to alex.

Oh, Alex...

I can see Alex having some sort of complex about Emmy, but more than anything I felt she was curious when she approached Em at the cove, wanting to confirm what she thought she knew. Alex confused me when she put the thought into Emmy’s head that she could be competition.

I mean, I get that Emmy still wanted Will, but more than that, she wanted Will to be happy (because she’s a good person!). So even if Will found happiness with Alex, Emmy wouldn’t see her as competition because she’d basically already taken herself out of the running. But are we supposed to see Emmy being jealous of Alex because Alex is who he wants now? And Alex pushes this idea for what? To play with Em? To get her reaction? To encourage her that she still had a foot in the race to Will’s heart? To try and be her friend? It never made sense to me.

I don’t think I’ll truly ever be sure of Alex’s motive for attacking Em, and that’s because Alex takes ownership of her actions. She made choices, she wasn’t a ""victim"". Okay. If you’re not a victim of circumstance, like Em, and you both achieved your goals doing what you thought was best for yourselves, then what are you jealous over, Alex?

Unless… the taking ownership of her decisions is all pretense and posturing? Convincing herself that she’s just as good as Em, except that Em made decisions she was proud of; she worked to get her degree, she actually sacrificed what she wanted to save herself and her grandmother, she’s still strong without anyone holding her up. You can’t convince me Alex doesn’t see Emmy standing alone, defiant against the Horsemen and Aydin, and wonder if she could do the same? I don’t know. I mean, the characters in this series aren’t consistent and I’ve said that Alex was meant to be perfect always, so it’s hard to really figure out what was going on.

If one thing is for sure, I think Alex has succeed in being one of the most controversial characters in the series, and it’s not even about her career as a sex worker. Does that count as progress???

So when alex found out that blackchurch emmy wasnt so different than her lifestyle,

I’m not sure what you meant with this thought. To me, they have different lifestyles, so if you could clarify what you mean?

We dont even know how much alex knew about her.

That’s true, I guess. We know she could easily recognize Emmy on sight, and that she knew from Will that Emmy was “sassy” or something, indicating that Will probably talked about her. I HC that he talked about her more than once. I don’t see him getting into all that in one go. She probably knows about the gazebo and why he went to prison. But how much of their relationship, specifics about Em? No idea. But what’s irritating is that Alex believes in her ability to read people so much, she thinks she’s got Emmy all figured out, when it’s very clear that she doesn’t.

And so this might also be one of the cause of misunderstanding between alex and emmy. To show that emmy was not so above everyone else, that she wa sjust "like us", and mistaking that emmy looked down on them for this particular lifestyle like aydin did to alex.

You’re saying that Alex’s attack was to prove to Emmy that she wasn’t better than them, that they weren’t better than her, but they were all cut from the same cloth? Or that Alex believed that Emmy thought she was better than them because she didn’t frequently go around breaking the laws and giving into all her impulses? And Alex wanted to prove to her like “see, you have the same impulses. You can act on them here, with us, and it’ll all be okay. We’ll catch you.”

I can understand that. If that was the case, it was a weird way to go about it. Very confrontational. But I doubt Emmy was in any state to trust any of them, so maybe backing her into a corner for her to push herself out of was the only way to get there. I think the first one is what you meant; that Alex thought Emmy thought she was better and wanted to bring her to their level because she was feeling judged, but I think the second one is closer to what PD thought they were doing. Because Alex is all knowing and always right. She knows what everyone needs.

alex even more for this though because alex couldve just asked emmy where she came from (theyre "friends"!!!), but alex made assumptions

But Alex asking questions would mean that Alex isn’t all knowing and isn’t always right and doesn’t knows what everyone needs before they know they need it. How can Alex be perfect if Alex has to ask questions?????

Why cant they let these women be pillars for each other and build amazing healthy female relationship instead of always cretaing female rivalries?

That would have been nice to see. I usually don’t get mad at Alex for not attacking Aydin. If Alex was running scared from her feelings towards Aydin, not ready to sort them out, and she was overly concerned for Will, then Emmy becomes an easy target because she knows she can’t ruin her relationship with Emmy.

Note: I don’t understand how they have that close a bond after one night of drinking together. I’m just saying what the narrative told us. And as the narrative as reminded us multiple times, Alex is… apparently some sort of addictive substance that people experience once and can’t get enough of??? I have no other reasoning for the other character’s reactions to her.

Either way, it would have been nice if Alex used her powers for good to build up the friendships in the group instead of trying to get laid literally all the time.

To be clear, I do feel this is an error in storytelling. I can’t blame it all on Alex when PD is one who created her and forced those decisions on her, for reasons that I don’t understand. It feels like PD really did prioritize empowering women through freedom of sexual expression, but at the cost of writing actual friendships on the page? It was choice, and not one I can appreciate fully. Especially when I love seeing friendships play out so much. But I’m sure it’s found it audience somewhere and for that, good for them.

all these grown adult men and women always be doing the most vile things to others (almost always undeservingly) and they wont own up to it.

I’m laughing because I don’t know if it was the past storyline or because of their maturity levels, but I always forgot these characters were in their mid-twenties. Like, I don’t care what the timeline says, these characters are between 17-21 in every book and being told Will was 26 in NF was like a slap in the face. I was disgusted with him.

pd couldve used this to make it about morally grey or black villains who dgaf about anyone and living their life to the fullest, doing ACTUAL crimes, not just petty ones and own them

Yeah. Every time they were gearing up for a “big” thing, I kept expecting something… you know… big to happen. But it was all mundane, teenage antics (see point above).

I believe that dark romance is a hard subgenre to write, because not only it is already hard to write non-dark romance, now you have another layer of darker elements that you gotta add to make your stories work. I've never read one DarkRom book that i truly love because of this.

This is a good point. I don’t usually read a ton of dark romance. DN was a weird phase for me. If I do, I like the “dark” characters to be intelligent at least, not just mean. Even then, I know I’m getting into some nonsense, ridiculous plot so I usual turn off my critical thinking skills. Because of that, I never remember the books I’ve read that are considered “dark romance”. If you bring one up, I can remember if I’ve opened it or not, but characters names and events have been erased.

And your comments before that are probably why Dark Rom is meant for adults who already know that seeking out these types of people in real life is a horrible idea? Still, I know some readers who aren’t ready for this material for various reasons, be it age or past experiences they haven’t dealt with or something else, will get ahold of books like this and think that the abuse and drama that happens in these “love stories” are what true romances are made out of. Frustrating, but also none of my business. Just be happy that you know yourself well enough that these tactics wouldn’t work on you.

However, I don’t think I’ve ever attempted a dark romance. I’ve attempted to write stuff that has a darker edge than my usual, but never that dark. I’m not a thriller or horror writer, so… But I think the goal would be to bring in an equal balance of each genre, and then push them to the foreground at different parts of the story to blend them together. I’m not sure how I would do it, and I probably won’t ever try, really.

The DN series was shallow and cheap for these reasons among many others, especially the "there was not much concrete substance" part, because even the substance was not grounding enough to me.

Interestingly enough, DN to me is like a carnival as opposed to a theme park. A theme park is a whole thing. A day excursion. A planned event.

At a carnival, the rides are short, they’re not really scary, you’re never really worried, yet they’re still fun. Maybe even a little boring to some. But one ride is never enough. And it’s not the only the rides, it’s the whole environment. It’s the candy and games, and the lights and sounds, it’s the people. One night to escape from the usual. It’s what you make it. It pops up for a time and then leaves, because it was never meant to stick around. It still provided a good time.

I’ve said before this series was never meant to be torn apart and analyzed to this degree. And I know there are a hundred other series that have the exact same tropes and similar plotlines? So are we so mad that this series was so bad compared to them, or are we mad that this series could have been better? Why are we still here talking about it when so many others have faded as soon as we closed the cover?

As you said, there are some things PD does very well in their writing. So maybe we are just upset that DN had so much promise and failed to deliver?

[bi-robins-club]

jason had just settled onto his couch with a jane austen novel and his favourite peach iced tea when damian crept in through his window. he sighed internally and decided to simply ignore him. he had told damian to use the front door (nevermind the fact that jason rarely used the door) and more importantly? he was freaking comfortable. after a few minutes as jason flipped idly through the book, damian cleared his throat. jason sighed again, outwardly this time and reluctantly dragged his eyes up to his youngest brother. baby bat was shivering slightly from the rain outside and jason simply rasied an eyebrow as he sipped at his tea. scowling, dami stomped over to jasons bathroom to dry off. he rolled his eyes. how dramatic. damian was acting like he sentenced titus and alfred the cat to their deaths instead of how he was actually saving jason from deep cleaning his rain soaked carpet. (he was still going to deep clean the carpet the next time he tidied up but still)

when damian stalked back into the room, looking less like a wet, angry kitten and more like a dry, angry kitten, jason titled his head back and established eye contact.

"so what brings you over to my neck of the woods, demon spawn?"

instead of snapping back like jason expected, damian simply stood there looking extremely uncomfortable. he shuffled his feet, opened his mouth then closed it and sat next to jason on the couch he splurged way too much on.

"i don't know how to tell you this" dami began, hesitant "but i believe harper is experiencing thoughts of suicide"

jason jerked up, almost knocking over his tea (and what a damn waste that would be) before fixing damian with a look. he hadnt noticed anything different in roy lately but he knew more than anyone that depression acted strangely and was hard to pinpoint. his mind raced with thoughts of why roy might be suddenly suicidal, from a sudden relapse to not getting a happy meal toy included in his 3.99 box of clogged arteries. "why do you say that, damian?"

"i have been keeping an eye on his health since he became a close confidant to you and last night he said something worrying that i am still not able to parse the meaning of" jason smiled lightly at that, in damian speak he was basically declaring that he cared for roy- if for nothing else than for how happy he made jason. still he shook it off and asked what roy had said that was worrying dami.

"he was patrolling last night" jason knew that. roy had been picking up his patrols since jason had a nasty leg wound. it was the reason he wasn't out tonight. "and he was on the phone with an unknown person, though i am inclined to believe it was either Starfire or Canary" okay, still not surprising "and then he said that the only place he could die happy was between your thighs" oh hello blue screen. yes jasons mind was in the middle of rebooting but could you hurry it along? he almost missed what damian said next. "not only does he wish for death upon himself, he wishes for you to give it to him!"

"damian" jason managed, frantically trying to figure out a way to explain to his baby brother without including his sex life. "uhh its just an expression"

damians face brightened up slightly. "really? he does not wish to smother himself between your thighs?"

"yeah, its like...like just a way to say... mind your business? mmhmm" he struggled to get out, pulling an explanation out of his ass.

"you have told father to mind his business a thousand times but i dont recal you ever using that one. is it new?"

oh god. jason would rather die again than continue this conversation.

"uhh its only used if you're close to someone" jason didnt know what he didnt wrong but dami's eyes widened in clear worry. "i thought you and father were reconnecting? has something happened? are you fighting again?"

well shit. jason had not thought this one through. fuck roy and fuck his mile wide kink that centered around jasons thighs. he was going to kill him. and he wouldnt even use his thighs. "oh nonono dami we're fine, just not as close as me and roy" he hedged, pleading to gods he didnt believe in to stop this conversation with whatever means necessary. strike him dead if need be but *please*. damians eyes narrowed "and exactly how close are you with harper, jason?" jason stared in disbelief. how had his nice relaxing evening turned into such a shitshow? damian was fine with roy when he and jason were just friends but now that he was (correctly) assuming a relationship, his over protective instincts were kicking in? christ. he remembered how when dick and babs finally started dating (again), damian seemingly lost all respect for her and called her an evil harlot more than once.

thankfully he was saved by answering in the form of the best person jason had ever met aka duke thomas. he announced his presence by awkwardly coughing. jason met his dark eyes and mouthed 'help me' over damians head. duke smiled as if it was getting pulled out of him by torture but nodded.

"hey dames, dick wanted you to join him by the docks when you finished up here" damian scowled "cant you see i am clearly not finished yet"

"hah, well dick was facing up against scarecrow and i think he needed some back up but you know him"

"yes, he wont admit he needs help when he very clearly does" damian sighed "very well, ill go check on dick. you stay and question jason. " and with that damian clambered out the window and after he disappeared from sight, jason threw his head back to stare at his ceiling and groaned. duke laughed at him.

"hey daisy duke?" duke grumbled at the nickname and jason cracked a smile "how did you know i needed back up?" duke winced and ran a hand over his dreads. he made a face and jasons soul was slowly draining out of his body. "oh haha funny story" duke rocked back on his feet and faked laughed "damians com was still connected to the channel" jason froze.

"who was on the channel oh my god" duke smiled thinly and his hand paused on his head. "other than me? everyone." jason buried his head in his hands and let out a high pitched whine. duke consolingly rubbed his shoulder. this is why jason loved him. he hadn't even laughed at jason like tim, dick or steph would or started plotting death like damian started to. he and cass would just offer support. jasons favorite brother and sister right here folks. duke sat down beside him

"listen. i know what it's like to be outed when youre not ready and when i heard damian grilling you about roy, i thought i would help" jason turned and stared at his brother. duke was staring at his hands and avoiding eye contact. "i got caught with a boy when i was 15 in high school. its pretty shitty to be gay and poor in a homophobic neighbourhood but its worse to be gay, poor and black." jason knocked shoulders with him. "if you tell me the name of whatever asshat outed you, I'll shoot him for you." duke let out a waterly laugh. "they kept bullying me for being gay but if they even listened, they would have realised that im pan" he joked "its a completely different thing after all". jason snorted

"that was horrible"

duke winced "yeah, it was wasnt it. im bad at this" it was jasons turn to avoid eye contact now.

"talia once caught me with a league operative. a male operative. i was so paranoid for days until i caught shiva leaving her rooms. i got the courage to tell her i was bi and she just patted my cheek and asked how my training was going."

duke huffed out a laugh. "bruce gives you shit but i for one think your lesbians moms are cool"

jason laughed with him "just wait until you meet Ducra. shes a badass"

"ducra?" he questioned with a weird look. "how many moms do you actually have? i knew about diana and your assassin moms but thats a new name" jason burst into laughter at the expression on dukes face. "its not fair man. steph is the only other one with a mom and you have four! you need to share" jason choked on his laughter and shoved duke.

"first of all, its only *three*. ducra is like my badass abuela"

"dont you already have a badass grandma? have you forgotten about Ma Gunn? she threatened to shoot bruce in the dick last week!"

"yes well excuse you i need strong female role models in my life, fuck you" the two of them continued to joke around for a little while longer before jason caught a flash of black kelvar outside his window and sighed. duke followed his eyes and smiled before patting jasons shoulder and pushing off. "have fun with the one strong male role model in your life. im going to see if cass needs help" both of them knew that cass wouldn't need help but jason accepted the excuse for what it was. "me and steph are still coming over to study tomorrow. college is kicking my ass and i need you to explain this English assignment to me"

jason scoffed "im not writing your essay for you"

"eh worth a try. bye jace" duke gave a two fingered salute and slipped out the window. jason took the brief reprieve to sip his tea and mourned when he discovered the ice had melted and watered down the peach taste. for the third time that night, someone crept into his window. oh well. third times the charm right? jason wasn't going to acknowledge bruce until he said something himself. it was a repeat of damian. jasom read his book as it got increasingly uncomfortable.

"jason."

"bruce" jason drawled, not lifting his eyes from his book. bruce grunted like the neanderthal he was and jason finally huffed out a heaving breath before marking his page and looking up. bruce looked supremely uncomfortable. actually his face looked exceedingly neutral but jason knew how to read bruce and that was the brow furrow of how do i deal with jason without fucking it up? jason was well famailairsed with that one.

"you know i love you" jasons own eyebrows rose. bruce only said 'i love you' like four times a year tops. and he usually never wasted it on jason. bruce deflated at whatever face jason must have made. goddamn it. this was why jason always fought with bruce with his helmet on, he couldnt control his facial expressions for shit. "no you dont know that." bruce smiled thinly and to jasons suprise, quickly crossed the room and knelt, placing his hands on jasons shoulders.

"even if you dont believe it, and its my own fault that you do and i hate that i ever caused you to even doubt my love for you, i swear that i do, jay lad" jason was completely frozen. he had expected bruce to yell at him for letting roy go unchecked on patrol last night and how irresponsible he was yada yada, not this declaration of feelings that he had no clue how to deal with. he couldnt remember the last time bruce called him that. it had to have been when he was still in those scaly green panties and pixie boots. and not the adult verison that jason picked up from a halloween store on a whim just to see roys eyes.

bruce sighed and drew jason into a hug. when bruces shoulder started getting wet, jason was horrified to realise he was crying. "i wanted you to know that i wouldnt love you any less for loving a man. but you have to know that i love you in the first place for that to happen" bruce said self deprecating.

"shut the fuck up" jason said sniffling and gripping his dads back. "i hate you"

bruce laughed softly at him before pressing a kiss to the side of jasons head. "i want you to know that i expect roy-and you- over at dinner on sunday. i need to meet the man that stole my babys heart" he murmured. jason laughed wetly "youve already met roy, you just want to con me into actually coming to family dinner"

bruce smiled "that was before i knew you two were dating. roy needs to know what hes getting into" jason leaned back enough to stare into bruces eyes and weakly punched him in the chest "dont threaten my boyfriend. he refused to look at me for two weeks after t was done with him" bruce sighed longingly "its times like this when i remember what caused me to love talia in the first place."

"bruce!" the aforementioned man laughed and hugged jason tightly before stepping back a few steps. "Sunday dinner. you and roy. 8 pm." on a whim jason reached out and snagged bruces hand. "hey" he started, swallowing "you wanna stay for a while? we could watch a movie or something" bruces eyes softened and he nodded. "let me change out of the suit."

and if roy had crept in after patrol only to see jason napping on his dads chest to a shitty action movie playing in the background and took several pictures, well that bruces fault for not waking up when roy stumbled it. (nevermind the fact that bruce had every single one of those pictures saved on his phone) (nevermind the fact that after roy put his phone away, he was greeted to the sight of batman glaring at him as he twisted a batarang around his fingers. it was sorta ruined by the fact that jasons curls was hiding the lower half of his face but roy was still adequately terrified)

[thelesbianlegacy-swtor]

The Galaxy Guide to loving girls presents where and where not to PDA

Listen girls. I would smooch my girlfriend anywhere if i didnt had to worry about getting people unconfortable. Work, taxis, restaurants, everywhere! But because everyone has different opinions and some groups are a bit less tolerant with PDA’s.

As always i LOVE to hear from my readers. If you gals have any idea or want to learn about how to love and surprise your girl, you can always reach out and i will put all my investigation resources into whatever you want. For now lets review all those places where kissing your beautiful girlfreidn might actaully be a bad idea

The market on Nar Shadaa: Lets start with something simple .Nar Shadaa has a lot of places with a lot of different people. But the market is usually overseed by the Hutts, who think money wil lbuy everything, including people. Its for your best interest not to attract the attention of those slugs, specially if you are with your girl.

Any an all bars in Nar Shadaa. Coming with another problem in the same plannet. Not that Nar Shadaa is bad or anything but again. Lots of people go there. This time, the bars are a bit less civilised than other places, and a lot of people have a few strong drinks on them. Now people on Nar Shadaa go  right to the point. So if you are on a bar there, now that any PDA with your girl, will attract people wanting to hook up with you or your girlfriend. They will try to touch, flirt or charm their way into your relationship. And not in a pleasent way

The senate tower. Ok this might be a surprise to you. There are a few amazing senators that fight against discrimination and for the people. But being honest, there are a lot of them that could easily pass for Hutts. Senators that have no respect for relationships or dont care about anything they cant have. So be careful. If a nasty senator catches you and your girlfriend in a PDA, they might get the idea of owning you. Yeah. Its that bad

Any place with a Jedi Master around. That is if you are dating a jedi. Its basically a toss of a coin here really. But you better not risk it. Most jedi masters still believe in getting rid of all atachments and having PDA’s around them might get your girlfriend on troubles

Alderaan rich parties or most noble houses. Again with the rich people. But this is not about nasty people wanting to buy you or getting wanting tyo touch you. Some people over Alderaan, are a bit...old fashioned. You might listen to some nasty comments and even slurs from the older people over there. If you want to go to a picnic or a tiny cantina you are fine. Just avoid the high society over there

Voss. The hole damn plannet. Voss are a bit...well to hell with it. Each one of them are born with a stick on their asses. Avoid the plannet if you want to PDA. 

Most Cantinas in Corelia. Now here we have a plannet i like. Corelia is a inclusive and liberal plannet. I mean on their thinking because the empire is realyl close to conquer it. But i digress. The plannet has an open mind. And sometimes a bit too open. Ifyou go down in the wrong bar, any PDA with your girlfriend will become an open invitation for all girls around. They will try to flirt with you and get into a threesome or orgy with you and your Girl. If you just want to kiss around and hold hands i suggest staying out of the cantinas. If you want to look for places or ways to spice up your relationship...well. Check the next Article of the Galaxy Guide to loving girls!

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[tearfullypink]

More human au lets gooooo

steven gets braces when he's 15 and has them until he's almost 17. he looks nerdy as shit

connie still has her glasses, and Will get contacts, but she's like, highkey scared of them. so she doesn't get rid of her glasses until steven gets rid of his braces

they both end up looking nerdier than their magical fantasy counterparts, and both are like. a lot weaker too. and more tired, and isolated. they make up for it in spirit! the only reason they don't get bullied a lot is bc connie broke some kid's arm and steven broke some kid's nose (haha get it)

both instances were in self defense and both have really good grades, so they got off the hook (connie had a nasty bruise on her cheek, so that's the only reason her mom didnt freak out fully. Steven just had a family full of irritating family members who wouldn't let up)

pearl taught the kids basic self defense, but since she's human and Understands (Some) Social Standards, she doesn't prepare them for like... war or anything. just basic stuff. for connie it's helpful, but steven feels really bad using it

steven boxes with jasper at some point. she, a grown ass adult, gave him a black eye when he was like 13, but he has no self preservation skills :// so he likes her company

jasper actually likes steven too!! she likes that he's pretty beefy for some teen kid, but dislikes how he's seen as more short and huggable. it annoys her. (she doesnt teach him toxic masculinity tho lol, just how to express anger in questionable ways)

bismuth was in a coma, and then all of a sudden she calls his home number and goes "hey yo i just woke up in the hospital, what the hell rose". and then steven fuckn panics and tells the gems. bismuth is actually a lot more chill in this au, at least to steven upfront. she has Social Standards (kinda) so she doesn't bring up murder with this 14 y/o. Steven really loves her

Peridot was a friend of Jasper's and Lapis' until she got kicked out of the van they were all living in. She then lived in the barn that Greg owned, bc she was uncomfortable with "being in a house full of gays".

Dont worry tho, she gets a friendcrush thingy on amethyst, starts to respect garnet and pearl, and apologizes for being a dickhead. then IDs as asexual, then aro.

Jasper and Lapis also used to be heavily homophobic. but then they dated each other and it was fucking. uhm. bad. thats how steven got a black eye oop!!! but anyways they realized that being gay wasnt bad, they realized They Were Bad!!

pearl, bismuth, jasper, and ruby are butch lesbians in this au

sapphire, pink pearl, ocean jasper, and cherry quartz all all femme lesbians!!!

everyone else is undefined. theyre just gay

steven is a skaterboy

steven has like, 4 half sisters that he barely interacts with. they all got abandoned at a park lollllll

steven knows all of his mom's exes. as like. friends? which isn't really weird for him but he tries not to care

jasper hated rose bc she was, again, homophobic, and jasper didnt eanna admit she had a hate crush on her

here steven probably inhereted rose's "constantly sad eyes" so he always looks like a kicked puppy. connie finds it cute

[aquagenesis]

so i just like.  whatever.

whatever.

it makes me feel very sad when i see everyone i consider friends like, talking about how much they don’t care about people or friendship or anything like that.  like it really bothers me a lot, i know it’s quarantine and we’re all fucking depressed so whatever it’s not like im saying “if you’re being introspective and i hate it kys” like whatever.

but it bothers me.  it really does.  it has always bothered me so much when people i regard highly turn around and do not care the same way for me.  and i know that’s the human condition; we all attach ourselves to people and those people are not obligated in any way to care the same way back.

because i do not understand, if you are so lonely, if that is the reason you are saying “it’s not even like i have friends”, the answer is not to say “well it doesn’t even really matter because i have like only 1 friend and they’re on thin fucking ice”.  like who are you?

i just feel like resentment in friendships is too common.  i think it’s all too common we internalize this “nobody in life stays forever!” and then decide okay we will just isolate ourselves and give no regard to who is in our lives and well if they stay great if they leave oh well.  you dont care?  tell people that.  tell people you do not care about them enough to put any emotional investment in whether they stay or go.

because i, at least, do not accept that as a terms of friendship. i am not going to continue to be your friend if you literally just are saying you do not care about people.  like that is so selfish.  that is literally so selfish.  i dont care if that’s rude.  you’re selfish!

didn’t it hurt you when you found out nobody cared about you?  didnt it hurt you when someone first told you you’d never been friends, they were just being your friend because they were being nice?  isn’t the primary problem you have that you’re disposable and nobody cares about you?  so why?  would you do?  the same?  to other people?

people on the internet and like in real life (cuz you know theyre the same thing) are just like.  so fucking convinced everyone is out to get them.  people literally will be like oh fuck this friendship didnt work out (which is allegedly a part of growth?) and then make it their personal journey to cut everyone off and never put any kind of work into any future relationship.  and then they cannot even see all the work people are putting in, how much time they invest into worrying about you, how much emotional occupancy you have in their heads.  if people are literally supposed to leave; that’s why you don’t care to put in the work, why do you get upset when people leave?

griping about people after the fact about things that genuinely are just minor inconveniences or whatever (they were boring, they were annoying, etc.) is just like.  so why didn’t you tell them this?  before you had to  let the whole thing rot?  why didn’t you tell them what they were doing so wrong?

is it because you knew it was rude?  is it because you knew they wouldn’t react well to it?  who fucking cares.  you were the one being selfish, deciding you would “try to deal with it”, then realized you couldn’t because they Kept Doing The Same Shit You Didn’t Like.  how is anyone supposed to know what their faults are, if we “all” have faults, and you yourself are not even aware of all of yours?

so instead of...talking about your problems so someone’s flaws aren’t the only thing you focus on, cuz it’s driving you insane, you just decide to emotionally check out and let whatever happens happen?  you literally deserve to be alone, you self-absorbed fuck.

people are not obligated to stick around you.  people are not obligated to keep being friends with you.  people have a RIGHT to know what they are doing that is making you, their friend, upset.  because people do not deserve to be cut off for something they DID NOT EVEN KNOW THEY WERE DOING and then have it be like, “oh fuck i’m a terrible person because i didn’t pick up on these subtle cues you couldnt fucking Stand Me.”  that is not?  someone’s fucking job?  to know what’s making you so upset?  oh my god???

and then it’s like people don’t stop, you feel like you’ve complained enough, but they won’t stop.  surely, they simply do not care.  so then you stop caring.  you’re like okay, if they won’t change, they clearly don’t value this relationship.  you’ll put up with it as long as you can, but “as long as you can” is like a month or two, and then it’s a nuclear explosion as you unload every nasty thought you’ve been steeping for the past [REDACTED].  who is that helping?

and then of course, these people run and hide behind “well this is why i need walls they couldn’t respect me”.  THEY couldnt respect YOU?  who was the one festering on wounds that could have been treated The Day After your friend came over got plastered and passed out drunk on your bathroom floor and then asked for a ride home when everyone’s drunk still?  did that bother you?  did you tell them, or did you tell them “no it happens to everyone hahaha dont even worry about it” and then get increasingly pissed the next time they come over and get plastered and wind up puking?  because those.  those are two different things i really dk how to make that any more clear.

it’s just like whatever for how hard everyone is for “communication” people will literally say that and then be like “oh well i.  i cant communicate see it’s like.  i just can’t do that it’s anxiety inducing if theyre my friend they should Know”.  do you know everything that pisses YOU off????  do you not care you’re clearly losing interest and patience with people, and now they feel especially obligated to make up for WHATEVER IT WAS THEY DID you refused to talk to them about?  why do you think everyone should cater to you, but oh wait, no they don’t, they should just realize You Don’t Care about your friends like that.

like whatever yeah.  i did that.  when i was fucking 19.  grow up lmfao.

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE