#I remember doing a school project on these fuckers and I fell in love with them

[tottwritesfanfic]

alright i want to apologise in advance a bit, because I recently tripped and fell into another BNHA fixation, and it's sorta getting in the way of my other stuff.

So. If I look as if I've jumped fandoms for the next however long...I really haven't. I just added to the pile, and I'm returning to my old VR AU because holy ensemble cast, it sure does scratch that itch.

...is it bad that ensemble casts are basically a prerequisite for any fandom I might get invested in enough to write for?

Anyway, not the point. The point is that I'm channelling my current obsession into NaNo this year (as co-ML for Kent's region I try to give it my all when I participate!), so I'm afraid everything else is probably not going to get much love for the next few weeks or so.

Probably. I know what I'm like, and I usually find it hard to stick to one project at a time, especially if I don't want to burn out. TBH, that's the other reason I'm doing this - so far, the only part of this AU i've posted is a standalone prequel fic which no one really cared about anyway because it had no ships. So if I burn out and this goes nowhere, at least I haven't left anyone hanging, right?

Also, if you want to take a peek at any of the decidedly excessive worldbuilding notes I've been putting together for the last couple of weeks, just hit me up. So far there's like...10k of it, including my musings on how the hell to turn quirks into VR hacks which make sense on a digital platform. Some of these are more straightforward than others, let me tell you.

I am also decidedly in love with how OFA/AFO works in this setting, but that's for me to know and you to find out if I ever get as far as posting this damn thing.

also also dropping this here because I can and it gives you a bit of an idea of the setting: In the AU, basically the surface of the planet got screwed over a couple of hundred years ago, and everyone lives underground, logging into a VR world where they can roleplay as pre-disaster humans for the sake of their sanity for their waking hours. Quirks are basically government-sanctioned hacks which people apply to their VR accounts, because ultimately it was easier to legitimise and legislate them than try and get people to stop doing that. A chief problem in the story is dealing with the fallout of an entire world of people who no longer remember how to touch grass. (It's a lot more serious than this, but basically my planning seriousness is inversely proportionate to the tone of the fic itself, and I just. I cannot talk about my work in any other way.)

Here's a snippet from my planning document to give you an example:

Aizawa is just a regular-ass dude who got his hero licence in spite of his Exploit rather than because of it. He’s also IRL ripped because his eye problems aren’t exactly conducive to 16 hours of screentime a day. This is why no fucker has heard of him, because all his heroics happen in short, irate bursts before he logs out to dose up on fucking eye drops.

His chief strength in this AU is not a borderline gamebreaking exploit, it’s the fact that he can, like, actually function in the real world a hell of a lot better than most folks.

Which meeeeeeaans, that he becomes 1A's teacher in the real world, after they all realise they need to buff up for this shit because they’re (mostly) totally clueless on how to function outside of the Interface. In this fic, UA is basically 1A's super secret offline school where they learn proper fitness and agility, and the physical, mechanical skills they’re gonna need in order to pull off the heist of the century. Hahaha, Aizawa is gonna be That Guy who is super strict about everyone’s screen time lmao.

[abbatoirablaze]

Teller Morrow Tragedy, Season 1, Chapter 8

Word Count:  2.1k

Warnings:  manipulation, torture, mentions of torture with fire, mentions of possible knife torture, taboo relationships, consumption of alcohol, dubcon, dark reader

Opie’s POV

"Damn it Donna, it's just the thing Alicia and Gemma set up all those years ago.  It's not a club thing," I growled at my wife.  She sighed heavily and put her coffee mug in the sink. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she didn’t agree with me agreeing to be part of it, “what?  What do you want me to do, huh?”

"Well it might as well be a club thing, Harry." 

"It's Ope." 

She grabbed my face in her hands, "Opie...Harry Winston is the man I married.  I want him back.  Ope is just a nickname from those assholes who let you rot in a jail cell for years on end." 

"You knew who I was when you became my old lady," I replied shortly.  She dropped my face and went into the dining room.  When she returned, her hands were full of the kids breakfast, "you gonna bring the kids down or not?" 

She practically threw the dishes in the sink and turned to me, "it's really not a club thing?" 

"No.  I'm going to be getting the fireworks and setting them up later tonight.  I only need to be at the school early because Gemma needs help getting everything together.  Me and some of the guys are gonna help set up booths," I confirmed, “come on.  You remember Alicia set all this up as her senior project.  Hell, you helped out when we were all in high school.  It’ll be a fun family thing…come on, Donna.” 

"I'll come...and I'll bring the kids." 

"There's just one more thing." 

"What?" 

"April talked to Gemma and Clay brought it up to a vote...Kyle Hob-" 

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE IS GONNA BE THERE TOO!" 

"Donna I sai-" 

"HARRY!  He's the main reason you even got caught and put in jail in the first place." 

"Don-" 

"NO.  That, I WON'T TOLERATE.  I don't like the club enough as it is, but the fact that you guys are letting Kyle come bac-" 

"DAMN IT DONNA," I yelled, cutting my wife off, "I voted for him to come." 

"What?" 

"I told the club that I wanted him there."

"Harry if this is some sort of revenge thing-" 

"It's not," I said, cutting her off, "I swear. I was just thinking about it, and you know, I'd gotten locked up for five years, because of him...but I got to come home to you.  To the kids.  I feel so grateful every morning when I wake up...because I'm not in that shit-hole prison.  I get to wake up next to my amazing, beautiful wife.  Even if we're struggling...Donna, you and the kids are my world." 

"Ope..." 

"I love you Donna," I sighed, "but we have to talk about this...we can't just keep walking on eggshells around one another." 

"I don't want to be near any of the Hobarts." 

"You don't have to talk to them Donna.  Christ, you don't have to talk to anyone.  I just want us to have some family time....and I want the kids to have some fun." 

She walked up to me and melted into my chest.  She looked sad...worried.  Confused.  

Maybe she had suspected that I had some ulterior motive.

But that faded and she accepted everything.  She knew that she wasn't going to change my mind.  

"Can you fucking believe that?" he asked as I walked out of the middle schools' gym, "the fucker fell for it." 

"Yeah," I nodded, "he thinks we're cool...so what are you guys gonna do to him." 

"That'll be up to Clay," Jax replied, sending someone a quick text, "you know the rules though.  If you ever get excommunicated, you have to remove your ink...he didn't.  He fucked up, Ope.  So it’s on him." 

"I know." 

"But hey, the less you know about it all," Jax trailed off, “the better.”

"What?  You don't think I should be part of it?" 

"Ope you need to stay here.  Do the fireworks.  That way if Donna or the kids ask you don't know shit about what we're gonna do,” he said softly.  I was grateful that he was giving me deniability, but at the same time, it kind of sucked to feel like I was being left behind in some way, “hey…you okay, brother?”  

"I get it..." 

"Ope it's to protect you, brother," Jax said, patting my back, "we can't have you there when this shit goes down.  You know that.” 

"I know, Jax." 

"Come on," he sighed, "I'll help you grab some of the fireworks before I get the other guys together and we head off.  Okay?" 

I nodded and me and Jax started for the box truck that had the fireworks.  After we unloaded, Jax bolted.  He told me to just 'stay here' and 'do my part.' 

While I can stand taking orders from my VP, it came off more as friendly advice from the man I'd grown up with.  I felt myself biting back curses, and defences on why I should be allowed to go with them.  Deep down, I knew that right here was the best possible place for me.  It gave me an alibi in case things went wrong...but I just...ached to be on the other side.  

I felt that longing through the fireworks display.  And I only half paid attention when Donna and the kids made their way to me.  I wrapped an arm around her, but every 'bang' of the firework and all I heard was gunshots.  

Every fizzle and I thought of sticks of dynamite lighting up.  

Every bright flash through the night sky...is every civil part of me fading into nothingness without the club.  

I need back in. 

All the way.

Mandy’s POV

They'd used the guise of discussing a working relationship, as well as me flirting with him to get him to come to the clubhouse. By the time they'd arrived I'd changed into a pair of jean shorts and a black cami. Kyle looked at me with hungry eyes.

‘Fucking pervert.’

They began to bullshit. Kyle kept the shots coming as he'd tried to explain some bullshit chop shop operation to the guys.

"Sweetie, grab the good stuff from the kitchen."

I nodded and went into the kitchen. I could hear dad change the subject and talk about a fake bike they had in the garage.

"Need help?"

I turned around and straightened myself out with a groan, "not from you, Juice."

"Will you please just talk to me?" he asked sadly.  I shook my head, and he sighed, "I feel like I'm going fucking insane with this hot and cold bullshit."

"No."

I turned around and bent over some boxes, "where the fuck did they put this shit?"

My mind went blank.

I didn't move.

His hands gripped my hips hard enough to leave bruises and he grinded his crotch against me from behind. I could feel the slightest pressure on my back before his warm breath hit the back of my neck, "is this what you want, Amanda? Do you really want me? Want this life? All of it?  Because if you want me to use you up like some crow eater, I will…but you fucking mean something to me…mean more than just a quick fuck."

My breath hitched in my throat.

I didn't know how to respond.

Of course.

I wanted Juan Carlos Ortiz. Every bit of him.

I wanted to be his old lady. I wanted to have his children. I loved him with every morsel of my being. But the words didn't come out.

After a second he sighed, and his weight was gone from me, "you don't know what you want. You're just a fuckin' kid."

I didn't move until I heard the door close. Those words struck something in me.

I only wanted him...but that wasn't going to happen.  He wasn’t going to let me be with him.  At least not in the way that I had wanted.  With a vengeance, I stalked back towards the men.

When I walked back out to the clubhouse area, I handed dad a bottle of rum. He handed it off to Jax and nodded me over to Kyle. He wanted me to keep him preoccupied.

I giggled as Jax poured him another shot and he tried to decline it, "aww come on. You always used to be able to handle your booze...what happened?  Get too old, cutie?" He smiled at me and downed the shot.

"You've really grown up since I last saw you," he chuckled. My insides churned, but I ignored as his hand grazed my hip. Out of the corner of my eye I could see dad gripping a cigar so tight it looked like it'd snap, “turned into a cute little minx.”

"Come on Kyle," I said seductively, leading him to the garage with the guys, "you'll love the new bike."

"Whatever you say, sweetheart," he grinned. His hand left mine, and I felt it on the small of my back. I kept smiling. Dad gave me a look that said 'cool it'.

Before he could realize that there was no bike, the guys had ripped his shirt off, revealing that he'd never gotten his reaper covered up. The look on his face said it all. Shame. Embarrassment. Terror.

I felt myself getting turned on.

"Shit," he cursed.  He looked wildly around the room until his eyes settled on my father, "I'm sorry. Sorry Clay. I know I'm supposed to black it out. I-I tried, man. I went a bunch of times, but I couldn't...I just.."

"Fire or knife," daddy said simply, “I ain’t gonna ask you twice.”

He looked around. Bewildered. The guys looked at him expectantly. He looked at Jax.

"Answer him."

"Jax," he asked, trying to plead with him. But he saw it was fruitless. I could see the gears going as he thought about his options...He ran a hand through his hair, "fire." 

Jax handed Kyle his bottle and he took two good swigs. In the back, by the door I saw Juice. My mind raced. I made my way over to him while the guys surrounded him and began to grab stuff to tie him to the lift.

"I'm not a kid," I growled, low enough so no one else would hear, “I know what I want, Juan Carlos…I kn-“

"You didn't want to talk about this," he said, shifting uncomfortably, cutting me off, "why are you bugging me now."

"I do want you...I want all of it," I said quickly.  He didn’t look at me, and I felt myself becoming desperate as I tried to tell him exactly how I felt, "you're the only thing I've ever been sure of."

"Amanda, it's not the time or place," he whispered, looking back at me, "you shouldn't even be here for this part. It's club business."

"My dad asked me to stay."

He turned towards me fully, "why?"

"MANDY," dad said without looking behind him. I walked away from Juice, “c’mere princess.”

"Yes daddy?"

He looked at me, and then to the blowtorch in Tig’s hand, "Burn it off."

I looked at Tig and my brother. Jackson's jaw clenched and he looked angry. But he wasn't going to go against his president in front of everyone a second time.

"She's doing it?"

"Yes, Tig," dad said, simply, "is the torch ready?"

I walked over to Tig. He looked unsure, but handed it to me, nonetheless.

"When the skin starts bubbling move the wand, okay?" he said quickly, "we're removing the ink, not killing him."

I nodded and moved the wand over to his skin. He tried to get away from it, but the chains held him in place.  The screaming brought a small smirk to my face.  I was making him feel the pain I felt inside.  There was a beauty in watching the skin bubble, and the screams faded as I lost myself in what I was doing.

When he passed out, his body sunk enough so that I saw Juice's face come into view.  He looked sick to his stomach.  I looked back to Kyle's back and finished up.  As I finished and turned the torch off the monotonous tone erupted from the pit of my throat, "cut him down." 

Tig and Jax released his hands.  I looked back at Juice.  He wouldn't meet my eyes.  He continued to stare at Kyle.  

"Juice, get the van.  You and sack drop him off at St. Thomas," he said, as he walked over to me.  Juice left quickly.  Dad walked over to me and took the torch out of my hand, wrapping his arms around me, "you're a good soldier, sweetheart." 

Chapter 9

@Lohnes16, @evyiione

[taglegend]

Tag Fact #3 -  I’ve come to realize I’ve always been a fan artist more than I thought. so here is a timeline of influences that shaped my childhood to now. from nostalgic times, to sad changes, to great loss, to strange rises to fame and phases, to stepping stones and finally a laughing place. all the things that make up your favorite fan artist Tag.

1. Rayman (bumped into this in the year of 1999) was actually the first fandom (with crossovers) I bumped into when I was 9. although the internet wasn’t available at the time it was still fun to dwell in home amusements. I remember the storylines and the OC’s I made but they’re kind of embarrassing and it’s probably a good thing there was no internet. I’ve done fanart and comic crossovers of Rayman with Calvin and Hobbs and Nights Into Dreams, spinoffs of Sonic the Hedgehog OC’s, Yoshi with Pikachu, and the Pokemon/Digimon craze with OC’s and other Nintendo comic shorts. but the drawings and comics are long gone and disappeared in the garage in a backpack due to suspecting my sister’s dad accidentally throwing them away. years later towards the year 2018 (now 28), we decided to move to North Carolina and it was my chance to find them again. unfortunately the backpack was gone just like I suspected (my main stuff), but for some reason I found my Pokemon/Digimon fanart, a good batch of Super Mario drawings (vaguely remember doing these), my sister’s drawings and some other neighborhood kids’ drawings in a dirty box. I was partially happy I found something at least but it was the backpack I wanted the most. sometimes I regret not looking for the backpack (’cause I was too busy being a kid) but it’s alright, noone needs to see that shit anyway, ha ha. anyways, I recall being a fan of Rayman from 1999 ‘til 2002.

2. Sonic Adventure 2 Battle (bumped into this in the year of 2003) my second fandom I bumped into when I was 12 going on 13. at the time, my sister and I both liked the Sonic The Hedgehog Franchise based on the Battle remake and ended up making our own secret fanart club that consisted of only us two members. she liked Sonic (and that was her boyfriend, ha ha) and I liked Knuckles (and he was my boyfriend, ha ha) and we were crazy in love about Shadow’s backstory. we listened to the game’s soundtracks as we drew fanart and comics after school and man, those were good times. however, as we grew older towards the year of 2005, we ended up having separate rooms and I believe it played a part in disconnecting on the same interest. then one day, I asked her why she wasn’t into Sonic anymore and she replied, “Because I grew up.” I was sad after that and slowly observed that she was influenced by the emo culture and the new friends she’s made. I was the only member of our little club for a little longer...but eventually I moved on too. I still have some surviving fanart we did together but it doesn’t mean shit anymore since she turned out to be an abusive mother from the last I’ve heard of her. 

3. Gorillaz (bumped into this in the year of 2006). as the Sonic years were at its end, I first heard the song “Feel Good Inc” on Music Choice and seeing the first image of them as displayed on this post (except the fan-made background doesn’t count since I can’t find the original artwork). this was my third fandom and later had proper access to the internet to the website I still currently use called DeviantArt. at first I liked 2D but eventually fell for Murdoc and developed a spiritual connection towards the character as obviously seen in my old fanart and rare photos of my devotion shrines on Valentine’s Day and his birthday every year. for the longest time since being a permanent fan from 2006-2017 (11 1/2 years) I had no knowledge that it was a political propaganda band and other realizations I don’t want to talk about. I only followed them because it was a cartoon and not the bullshit behind the musical project. the world I’ve built and support for them for all those 11 1/2 years shattered the fuck out of me and I just wanted to be left alone to find myself again, somehow. activity stopped on all my profiles, the flow of fanart stopped since I now cringe from the fan service and felt I was used for my talent. I didn’t want to be reminded of it all so I took down all my Gorillaz fanart and archived them for old followers’ nostalgia but also in the hopes they’ll be forgotten in my timeline. I ceased to exist in the fandom for huge personal reasons but it’s best to not say why. I know for sure that the fandom wonders what happened but it’s none of their business. THE END.

4. Waluigi (although I knew he’s been around since 2000 during childhood, I took deep interest once I revisited the character again in the year of December 2013). as silly as this sounds, when I revisited him again, the character was so bizarre that I ended up staying up 3 nights and 3 days in a row just looking all over the internet on everything about him and the questionable “hush-hush” absence of a backstory. despite there being no backstory he slowly gained a cult following and in many ways it’s a good thing. however, since the early 2010′s tension has been building up between Nintendo and its fans about him starring in a main game but everyone hasn’t fully gotten it in their heads that it’s not gonna happen. as long as Nintendo is in control of that, the fandom will not win, I’m sorry to say. on the other hand, if it’s going to be this way, then that’s what fanart and comic projects are for. as for me, I am doing my very best to get my comic project “Waluigi Land” going. again, I apologize if it’s taking very long to get Chapter 2 going if you’ve been keeping track but aha moments need to develop before I start permanent drawing (since concepts, character design and storyline needed improvement badly). as of right now I am still a Waluigi fan and I will not quit on him.

5. Turbo from Wreck-It-Ralph (although it debuted in 2012, I watched the movie two years later into the year 2014). for some bizarro reason, I had an unhealthy obsession with this character to the point where I dressed up as him for Halloween 2014. only 2 fanarts of him and the Turbo Twins exist on my profiles, mainly because my mind was more focused on just ‘thinking about him’ or ‘being him’ rather than drawing physical drawings. luckily, this supposed alleged fandom didn’t last long a little after Halloween so I chalk it up as a very short phase. to this day I don’t know what has gotten over me about him. the only thing I can think of now is that I think it’s because the character had yellow eyes and teeth but I don’t know. now that I think of it, that little fucker was ugly as hell and I STILL don’t know what had gotten over me. one day, my brother mentioned what that was about, and I said to him, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

6. Undertale (although it debuted in 2015, I later took interest in it in 2016). It was all about Sans and Papyrus. I couldn’t get enough of the skeleton bros. eventually Toriel and Mettaton EX became my favorites but it took a long time to draw more of all 4 of them because I had other important things to do in my life plus I was still waiting for the next Gorillaz album to revive my imaginative juices (or so I thought). I really want to have this as one of my frequent fandoms but I just don’t have time for it anymore. it’s still in the back of my head to want to draw them but at this point I still have other better interests to be in. and besides, I’m lazy just like Sans.

7. Cuphead (June 28th, 2017 was the official day I called quits on the British-based band Gorillaz due to the bullshit behind it. since that date I was lost, had no inspiration to look forward to and no cartoon guy to make me smile...but lo and behold of the same year, I took an interest in playing the game Cuphead and man...that shit was a frightening exaggerated metaphor for being on that one drug (forgot the name though) and having sex at the same time but man that was the best fun I’ve had in years. I mean, it’s like, enemies are just so happy to murder you and that scared the shit outta me. and the facial exaggeration?....I think I should stop, ha ha. anyways, the Moldenhauers saved my ass from spiraling down, they have no clue. anyways, eventually I became a permanent fan of their work so to ease the hurt and erase my past from the G-fandom I had to re-wire my brain into a different cartoon category that’s a rather more American, so anything Toon related like Roger Rabbit, Felix the Cat or another favorite that’s a western-based cartoon makes me feel better, especially my new man .......King Dice <3 <3<3<3. however, there was something about this new fandom category I still didn’t quite understand until the date March 14th, 2020. I finally understood what it was but I feel I shouldn’t bring it up. anyways, Cuphead and anything western or rubber hose is my last stop in inspiration for the remaining years of my life. many say never say never but I believe I’ve found my laughing place and that’s all that matters.

[medea10]

My Review of Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni GOU

(a.k.a. When They Cry Gou)

I know what you’re thinking. Why the heck am I reviewing this anime again? I’ve already written a review in 2009 and re-polished it in 2016. (Here it is BTW) I’ve made my point on who I like, hate, what ships are worthy, and poked fun at all the deaths that happened throughout the series. I think some time has passed that I should say some thoughts on this…um, story. After all, Higurashi is one of my favorite animes.

STORY: Ah shit, here we go again!

Higurashi or When They Cry is about a boy named Keiichi Maebara who recently moved to a place called Hinamizawa. And ever since moving to this town, he’s found his days are filled with fun mischief with fellow friends Rena Ryuuguu, Satoko Hojo, Mion Sonozaki, and Rika Furude. But little does Keiichi know that there’s a little murder mystery that surrounds the town. During a town festival known as Watanagashi (or Cotton Drifting), there’s usually one or two people that go missing or turn up dead. And this year, Keiichi is next. So let’s relive the horrors that plague the town of Hinamizawa and…

One episode later.

Wait, what the…?! It’s episode 2, why are we seeing Hanyuu? I don’t remember that in the manga. The visual! THE VISUAL! WHAT THE FUCK?! ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REBOOT? WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS THERE AN ADULT RIKA?! WAIT, IS THAT ADULT RIKA OR BERN? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE TO THE WITCHES OF UMINEKO?! THE SHADOWS IN THE OPENING ARE TOO FAMILIAR FROM OTHER WORKS! Ryukishi07, you magnificent, fucking troll master for keeping this hidden until the second episode’s air date!

Many of us did not see this coming. When they announced a new Higurashi series that was going to be done by a different studio, many of us speculated whether this was going to be a reboot or a sequel. But then we got the PV trailers and it looked like we were going to get a reboot to correct the mistakes Studio Deen made years ago. Rika’s head doesn’t look like its gonna snap off because her body is so small in comparison. Improvements! I mean, they showed everything we were already used to like the yandere girls, the original soundtrack, the original freakin’ cast, and death by baseball bat. Hell, the first episode ended with an Eiko Shimamiya song! It was on track to being a reboot! A better looking reboot!

Here in lies the sequel aspect! After episode one, we get a scene that isn’t usually seen until the Kai part of Higurashi (a good 4-5 arcs away). And they give away the secret that Rika Furude is repeating the timeline of June 1983 over and over because she keeps dying. And as the series progresses, you notice little things different from the original series. Many of the well-known storylines end much differently than what you remember. Instead of Keiichi killing Rena and Mion with a baseball bat, you’ve got Rena going psycho on Keiichi. And Rika’s fate is somehow worse than the stories of the original series. So let’s head back to Hinamizawa to hear the cicadas cry and watch a murder mystery unfold.

THE SUB: All the original voice actors have returned to voice their respected roles. Perfection in a nutshell!

LICENSING: You’ve gotta be shitting me!

As I’ve mentioned years ago in my review, the original Higurashi anime went through a turbulent time being licensed in the states. It was originally licensed and dubbed by Geneon. But once Geneon collapsed, FUNimation licensed it and did absolutely fuck all with it. Geneon could only manage to squeak out one season. At this point, FUNimation was picking up titles that Geneon used to have before it fell under including Familiar of Zero, Kyou Kara Maou, and yes, Higurashi. All of these titles mentioned here were done absolutely nothing with despite having cult followings, second seasons, and OVA’s.

A year or two after licensing it, the license expired for Higurashi. For nearly six years, the only copies you could get were out of print and estimating at $500 at the very least for a full collection. Single DVD’s could be found in rare shops, but it would take like 13 years to complete the fucking collection if you did it that way. And that was only for the first season. Second season, the best all of us could do was bootleg DVD’s from Japan Town or fansubs with glaring errors for the best season to Higurashi. We had to deal with this shit until Sentai Filmworks licensed and released the first 2 seasons and the Rei OVA’s.

AND NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME FUNIMATION IS CLAIMING HIGURASHI ALL FOR THEMSELVES?!

Where the shit was this love 10 years ago when we were asking politely to release Kai? People ignorantly blew Higurashi off for years because season two was never released in the states until 2016 because they thought the damn anime ended after Rena held up the school. I’m already irritated with FUNimation after the Interspecies Reviewers debacle and I’m still quite butt-hurt over them re-releasing Nichijou with a dub to make a quick buck. Licensing Higurashi just brings back old anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy Higurashi is legally licensed and can be seen on at the very least Hulu. It’s just that I hold grudges and this was a big one.

THE DUB: Holy…um, okay! This is a rather big gulp to take in. As I’ve repeatedly mentioned in past reviews, the Higurashi dub was a mixed bag of okay, bad, and oh gasperts kill it with fire. So, not great! The good folks at Geneon (before bankrupting in America) dubbed the first season with a good chunk of folks that put their fake names to the credits. Again, not great! To me, there were some aspects of Megan Hollingshed, Mela Lee, and Grant George’s performances of Mion, Rena, and Keiichi that were okay. SOME! John Snyder and Karen Strassmen as Ooishi and Takano were the best out of that dub. Everything else was just irredeemable! It needed a redub, an overhaul, and a spit-shine. For years, I’ve wondered who would be the dream cast. Sentai Filmworks unfortunately never dubbed the remaining seasons when they released them. Would Luci Christian be the heavenly voice to do Rika Furude? Could we get Hilary Haag to do Satoko? Okay, that never came to pass.

This dub is a breath of fresh air. Rika doesn’t sound like Mihoshi. Satoko doesn’t sound fake, Keiichi doesn’t sound like a weird Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s perfect. ESPECIALLY BRITTANY LAUDA AS SATOKO! I knew the second she was cast as Satoko that she was going to excel the fuck out of this role. And I was not disappointed! The only voice I’m still not quite used to is Michelle Rojas as the Sonozaki twins. Probably because I was somewhat okay with Megan Hollingshed’s voice in the 2006 version that it’ll take some time! And we FINALLY got a voice for Hanyuu. I am super excited that Xanthe Huynh is the voice and I know she’ll do great with this role! With all of that said, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Keiichi is now played by Khoi Dao (known for Kiriyama on March Comes in Like a Lion, Murata on Demon Slayer, Chaka on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Pt. 3, and Iskhan on SAO: Alicization)

*Rena is now played by Emi Lo

*Mion/Shion is now played by Michelle Rojas (known for Shizu Delta on Overlord, Touka on Assassination Classroom, Minase on Psycho Pass, Kanan on Love Live Sunshine, and Kusakai on Keijo!!!!!!!!)

*Rika is now played by Apphia Yu (known for Rio on Assassination Classroom, Marie on Black Clover, You on Love Live Sunshine, Victorique on Gosick, Natsumi on Danganronpa 3, and Laki on Fairy Tail)

*Satoko is now played by Brittany Lauda (known for Riko on Made in Abyss, Meidri on Interspecies Reviewers, Lessar on Index III, and Ichigo on Darling in the FranXX)

*Hanyuu is played by Xanthe Huynh (known for Menma on Anohana, Haru on Persona 5, Hanayo on Love Live, Hidomi on FLCL: Progressive, PallaPalla on Sailor Moon Super S [redub], and Sachi on SAO)

ANY CHANGES IN YOUR HATE-O-RADE:

Okay Medea, let-a-rip!

*inhales and exhales*

Teppei Hojo is trash. He is ultimate trash. This fucker needs to be murdered in every timeline. He is a turd in a Glenn Quagmire shirt. Him and his wife are trash. And when this pile of trash is cheating on that pile of trash, he sleeps with peak trash named Ritsuko. Teppei Hojo needs to die in every timeline. Whenever Keiichi bashes this cum-burger’s head in with a blunt instrument, I scream at the top of my lungs, “DIE SCUM, DIE”! And nothing, I repeat, NOTHING will change my opinion of Teppei Hojo.

Episode 23.

Oh, fuck you Higurashi Gou!

MUSIC: Okay, thank you for proving me wrong. I did not despise the opening theme. Having Higurashi with no Eiko Shimamiya is like having Pokemon with no Rika Matsumoto. Or Rozen Maiden with no ALI PROJECT. But this new opening is fine by my standards.

That’s right, get the niceness of the review before I get angry down below.

THESE TIMELOOPS: Rika tries to find solutions to end her time-loop in June 1983. Much like the original series, we follow stories from the Onikakushi-hen, Watanagashi-hen, and Tatarigoroshi-hen arcs (the first three stories to Higurashi, although now these have different names). However, all of these arcs have different endings. And after a positive turnaround with Satoko escaping from her abusive uncle, shit goes south when Detective Ooishi, who up to this point has never suffered under the Hinamizawa Syndrome or died a painful death goes on a murderous rampage. Higurashi style! That means, he’s after Rika Furude, will slaughter anyone in his way, and scratching his neck because he sees maggots (part of the hallucination effect).

What the shit? Ooishi for the most part has been a great guy. With the exception of the Tatarigoroshi-hen storyline, he was a nice guy! In the limbo with Hanyuu, Rika now remembers who has killed her. Every time Rika dies up to this point, she never remembers who was the cause of her demise. Hanyuu implanted that power to remember the deaths and a clue for Rika to use and then she disappears.

Now seriously, imagine Rika’s plight here. She has been repeating the month of June 1983 for over a hundred years. And each of these times she repeats, she’s horribly murdered. Rika got the shit-end of the deal in the murder department in the original series, including being dissected on while alive. Then, leaving her bloody, naked corpse out in the open of the Oyashiro altar! She’s tired of this shit! She wants to live a happy life away from Hinamizawa. She wants to grow older, become a teenager, and have fun. And this series made it worse by having her die four times in one episode. Not just that, but murdered by the most unexpected people including Akasaka, Chief Kimiyoshi, Mion’s mother Akane, and Keiichi. Keiichi has never killed Rika in any of the timelines up to this point. He has killed Mion and Rena, but never Rika. Keiichi loves Rika! Welcome back to A Million Ways to Die in Hinamizawa.

I’ll just add decapitation, drowning in a lake, set on fire, drowning in a sewage pipe, and death by…um…

Alexa, play Chandelier by Sia.

ENDING: We all know by now that in the original series, Miyo Takano is the betrayer and the reason behind all the murders during the Cotton Drifting Festival. This time, it’s someone closer to Rika that’s causing Rika so much pain. After we watched the worst kinds of murders happen to Rika, the episode after gave us our answer. Satoko, Rika’s friend and confidant is not happy that Rika is turning her back on Oyashiro and Hinamizawa. All the while pulling out her intestines!

Oh Higurashi, don’t stop being gory!

Yes, Satoko is aware of past timelines much like Rika and is almost on a god-like state. So what the hell happened to her? I know Satoko’s past has been a cluster-fuck of horror with her brother disappearing, her parents dying, and every form of abuse from her uncle. But she was able to prevail after all that. After surviving 1983, a lot has changed in Hinamizawa. The three big families of Hinamizawa put an end to the Cotton Drifting Festival and claiming there is no curse of Oyashiro. Mion and Shion moved on and are going to high school. And Rika decides she wants to move away from this village. By attending St. Lucia! And she wants to do this with Satoko.

Oh, if you don’t recall St. Lucia, Shion attended this academy until she escaped during the Meakashi-hen arc. It was also the same school that Ange from Umineko attended. But of course Ange attended it in the 90’s and we are clearly in the 80’s. Moving on!

Rika and Satoko studied their butts off for years and their hard work paid off as both were admitted into St. Lucia. Now Rika was able to prevail and fit in with everyone. Satoko on the other hand couldn’t do the same as her grades took a dip, her manners are atrocious, and she doesn’t seem to fit in with anyone. And this caused a drift between Rika and Satoko! And so during a trip to Hinamizawa, Satoko went to the old shrine where she ended up getting sent to that limbo place Rika and Hanyuu were at many times before. There, she meets Eua (God, I hope that really isn’t her name). She’s much like Hanyuu except a lot more condescending. Oh, and she’s that mysterious shadow during the opening theme. She bestows the power to Satoko of reviving on death and returning to a certain point in time. In the hopes that Satoko is able to stop Rika from going to St. Lucia! But Rika is not going to budge. She wants out of Hinamizawa no matter what. And Satoko just wants to be with her friend no matter what. Satoko is even shown Rika’s past and still no dent in…Okay, this is bugging the fuck outta me. Pause the Ending portion!

MY GRIPES WITH SATOKO: Satoko, girl, the fuck is wrong with you?! I know Rika is like your main chick and everything, but for fuck’s sake loosen the grip you have with Rika. This season has changed you and not for the better. You made a connection with ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS from Hinamizawa. Big connections! At least in the original series you did. Look at your moments with Keiichi and Shion. Are you just going to shove them off? And what really sets me off is that Satoko literally had the opportunity to learn about Rika’s hundred year’s loop of death. And feels nothing about it! Only that it’s a challenge to break her herself! God damn, at the end of season one, Keiichi learned the truth and he was remorseful. This bitch doesn’t care that her friends were murdered in such a way. And Rika’s been shot in the head, had a live dissection performed on her, and other forms of torture…AND IT DOESN’T FAZE SATOKO!

I know in my original Higurashi review, I felt sorry for Satoko as she did seem to get the short-end of the stick living in Hinamizawa. I mean, her parents died right in front of her, she suffered abuse from her uncle, abuse from her aunt, ostrisized by the town for years, and a myriad of all types of shit to befall her. But Higurashi Gou has ruined this character. Rika didn’t really do anything wrong to Satoko. She didn’t snitch on her when Satoko got in trouble. She offered help to Satoko when she thought her grades were slipping. Satoko just held onto this petty vendetta. Satoko acted like Rika sexually assaulted her and have two other people gang rape her while drugging her. Okay, that’s a call for revenge, not your petty shit.

YOU SEE WHERE I’M AT WITH YOU SATOKO?! Your actions are so bad that you have me siding with the protagonist from Redo of Healer.

REDO.

OF.

HEALER!!!

I’m done with you! Girl, bye! We now return you to my talk about the ending already in progress.

BACK TO THE ENDING: Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Yeah, Satoko is leaving a bad impression on many of us who have been following the Higurashi story for years. And it just gets worse as she uses her new power for petty shit and abusing it at that. I mean, we saw Rika use her power in order to find a way to live past June 1983. Satoko is just using that shit to win some games and have things go her way. What else could this series bless us with? How about an epiphany from Teppei Hojo?

What?!

Teppei changes for the better.

What?!

Look, I admit that these moments with Teppei and Satoko were tame compared to the shit she’s pulled in the last several episodes. But this is Teppei Hojo! The same guy that used Satoko as his personal punching bag! The same guy who fleeced Rena’s father! The same guy many of us who cheer every time we see him on a moped because we know someone’s going to bash his head in with a baseball bat. Even my best friend knows how I am with this guy. When she gave me Higurashi free swag, I took everything except for Teppei. I don’t take trash. So seeing him so remorseful makes me…conflicted.

So now Satoko’s got things turned around for her. Her uncle has…changed?! Add to that, her God-like power. Satoko decides to change the past for her own advantage. This includes changing one of the biggest stories in Higurashi Kai with the kids vs. Miyo Takano. If Rika doesn’t experience the pain in those timelines, she won’t think about leaving Hinamizawa. And if she doesn’t leave Hinamizawa, she’ll stay with Satoko forever.

Oh what a tangled web of crazy Higurashi Gou was! I gotta tell you, Higurashi got me excited all the way up until we learn it was Satoko. And then it went straight to Hell. They turned Satoko into a straight-up selfish monster. Totally unlike the Satoko we’ve all grown to love in the original series. Yes, Satoko had those moments where, yeah, you would want to throw a chair at her and beat her ass with it. But that was only temporary! You would always see the good in Satoko despite that mischievous laugh and those episodes in Higurashi Rei. And God help me, I was a shipper of Rika x Satoko 10 years ago. Not a big one, but a supporter of it. Now, I would rather support Amourshipping from Pokemon than root for this. And I despise the living fuck out of Amourshipping. That should tell you something!

If original Satoko were bestowed the powers from Eua, I think things would be different. Satoko would probably use her powers to prevent all the bad stuff from happening to her friends and to her brother Satoshi. I mean, my goodness, not once did I see her think, hey maybe I should find a way to help my ailing brother. Change a few timelines, make him all better! And of course, feel sympathy for Rika’s plight. Do it for Rika’s sake, not your own selfish desires! Rika has died horrificly for hundreds of years. And I seriously just can’t get over Satoko’s reaction to that when she learned the truth. Instead, she wants to treat Rika like a caged bird. Best friend my ass!

Now can Higurashi SOTSU fix the hot mess of Satoko? Time will only tell! And good on them for having Higurashi air in the summertime. Summertime is for Higurashi! Autum is for Umineko. Speaking of, it’s been since 2009. Any chance you want to give Umineko the old reboot or sequel it sorely needs? Oh forget it! My likeness for this season is conflicted. I was annoyed by it, but I didn’t fully hate it. It’s just that last arc with Satoko really burned my beans. And I’m sure a lot of you all feel the same way.

Guys, if you want to watch Higurashi Gou, do yourselves a favor and watch the original series first. Let that swirl around your heads for a while. I know the creator tricked us at the beginning of this series thinking it was going to be an honest-to-God retelling. It is not! It is a sequel. And a sequel that isn’t based off a game or manga of all things. So fans are jumping into this with eyes closed! And if you’re a fan of Satoko Hojo, I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.

If you want to check out Higurashi Gou, it is available to watch on FUNimation and Hulu. But please, if you haven’t watched the original series, go to HI-DIVE now and watch “When They Cry” and “When They Cry Kai”. I think you can manage without watching any of the OVA’s.

I’d rather watch that Kira OVA where the fanservice is thin, you can practically lick off the whipped cream from the Sonozaki’s tit.

That should tell you something if I’m starting to say something nice about Higurashi Kira.

See you in a few months when Higurashi SOTSU comes out.

[turdblossommm]

Marry Me {14}

Summary: Bucky and the reader are hopelessly in love with their best friends who are getting married, where the pair first meet. Will there friendship turn into something more or will it crash and burn?

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

A/N: This is the last part:( this has been my favorite fic to write i think and I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting and everything!

chapter thirteen // masterlist

You smiled at Bucky from across the conference table where he leaned against the door frame as you present the green project you’ve been working on for months. Comitties from both companies as well as HR listened to you speak, the jargon completely confusing them.

“So basically it’s going to clean up the Hudson?” Stark asked from his leaned back position in his chair

“Yes” Peter answered “We’ve worked with multiple marine biologist to prefect the idea”

“And hopefully in the future we can use it to clean up other bodies of water” Shuri closed the presentation and the committees were to take a meeting without us present and let us know their decision tomorrow.

“Want to get dinner?” Bucky smiled at you after kissing your cheek

“How about take out?” You smiled up at Bucky, it has been three months since you two have been ‘official’.

“Of course and I want to talk to you about something” He smiled

“Well I have to clean up the lab before I leave”

“There’s not going to be anyone down there?” He raised a brow

“Not again” You laughed as you remembered the time you two had gotten busy in the lab. He watched as you pick up papers and file them “What did you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to ask you about your apartment” His voice wavered and you looked at him

“What about it?” You mentally scold Peter and his disorganization

“I know you own yours and everything but I was wondering if you’d want to move into mine” He paused and you turned to him 

“What’s wrong with my apartment?” You stood before him

“I think I‘d burn if I lived outside of Brooklyn” You threw your head back and laughed

“I’d love to move into your apartment” You pressed your lips to his as his fingers ran up your arms “Not here” You slap his arm playfully as you two walk out of the building and climbed into Bucky’s truck. He pulled up to your apartment building

“See you soon?” He leaned over and kissed you

“Yeah I’m just going to change and I’ll be over” You quickly ran up the stairs and changed into jeans and an old hoodie. You gathered your things and stopped when there was a knock on the door. You swung the door open to reveal a disheveled Clint. Little did you know at the same time Natasha was knocking on Bucky’s door.

“James I’m sorry I did call before coming over” She stepped in the apartment “But I really need to talk to you”

“Of course” Bucky led her to the couch and launched into a story of her and Clint constantly fighting

“James I think I married the wrong person” A tear fell down her cheek and Bucky wiped it away

“It’s okay Nat, you can find someone else” He gave her a half smile

“I think the right person was in front of me the whole time.” Bucky swollowed and wondered when you were getting there, but he didn’t know you were in the same situation.

“Clint what are you doing here?” 

“I really need to talk to you” He avoided your eyes contact

“You should’ve called, I’m on my way out”

“To Bucky’s?” He scoffed

“Yes, but I guess now it’s my place too” His head snapped up

“You can’t move in with him”

“And why the hell not Clint, all you’ve done is tell me how wrong he is for me. Why the hell is he wrong for me Clint?” You almost yell at him

“Becasue he’s not me” He yelled back and watched the anger drop from your face and turn to confusion “All the shit we went through together, we’re meant to be together Y/N”

“If you felt that way, why did you marry Natasha?” You asked

“Becasue I didn’t know it then” He whispered “When I saw you with him I felt it”

”It took my happiness without you to realize how you felt for me” He grabbed my hand 

“It sounds bad when you say it like that” You pulled your hand back 

“Becasue it’s selfish Clint” You snapped “I’ve loved you since college and you were too blind to see it then”

“You did? Then why didn’t you say anything?” He asked

“Because you didn’t feel the same” You shrugged as you pulled your front door closed and left him in the hallway

“Why did you take him to the ranch?” You stopped and turned toward him

“Becasue I knew he’d never hurt me and then it wouldn’t hurt to go home with memories of him” You watched him look away from you “You should tell Natasha how you feel so you’re not stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life.”

“Thanks Y/N”

“Goodbye Clint” You walked into the garage and smiled as you got in your car, ready to see Bucky. Bucky was still praying for your arrival to save him form Natasha 

“Nat we would never work?” Bucky shook his head

“Why not James? We know everything about each other” Her brows knit in confusion

“Because you don’t Nat” Bucky sighed “I’ve loved you since we were in high school and I didn’t say anything because you didn’t feel the same”

“But what’s stopping us now?” Nat asked innocently 

“Y/N” He said plainly “I love her Natasha” Nat looked away and Bucky grabbed her hand “Tell him how you feel, that you don’t want the marriage anymore” She nodded and Bucky showed her out and shut the door. As you ran up the stairs you passed the familiar red head, not giving it a second glance

“I’m home mother fucker” You yelled and Bucky smiled 

“Hey doll” Natasha’s heart clench as she heard the exchange, hearing the joy in his voice assured her that he’d never be hers.

“You are never going to guess who just showed up at my door” You smiled up at him from your position between his legs on the couch

“Oh yeah you’ll never guess who showed up at mine” He challenged her 

“Well Clint showed up at mine and told me he loved me” You smirked and Bucky raised his brows

“No way Natasha just did the same thing”

“Shut the fuck up” You smiled as you turned to face him

“I love you” He smiled down at you

“I love you too”

A/N pt.2: There will be up hopefully this weekend

Taglist: @hailqueenconquer​ @2ptonpt​ @sebbbystaaan​ @93generation​

[what-is-your-plan-today]

Stark Spangled Banner Ch43: What’s In A Name?

Intro: Katie progresses through her pregnancy and as her due date looms, they get down to the task of picking a name. Easier said than done...

Warnings: Bad Language words. Smut! (NSFW) No under 18s. Teeth rotting fluff…seriously!

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist 

October 2019

Katie was adamant that whoever said pregnancy was an enjoyable time was a lying fucker. Her morning sickness was horrendous, only it wasn’t just morning sickness. As Dr Kellet had warned, it was 24 hour fucking sickness. And to top it off, whilst she had already found out certain smells made her heave, both Steve’s aftershave and his shower gel were amongst two of them.

Steve took it upon himself, as with anything, to do as much research as he possibly could, reading articles galore on the internet. It was in one of these that he stumbled across a suggestion that lemon and ginger tea could help with queasiness. He had immediately headed to the store and come back with about 20 boxes off the stuff, much to Emmy’s amusement, and he tried not to hover or fuss too much over Katie, he really, really did. Katie knew he found this hard, as he was so excited and worried, both for her and the baby, not entirely certain how to navigate this new situation – and he wasn’t the only one. Every day Katie had to remember to herself that she couldn’t drink this, couldn’t eat that, shouldn’t do this. Pepper had told her it would be strange, that she would feel like her body wasn’t her own anymore. It was frustrating, and she found herself in a constant state of irritation, questioning to herself why either of them had thought getting pregnant would be a good idea. But then she would think back to how heartbroken and devastated the pair of them had been when they had been robbed of their chance to be parents almost 18 months prior and all that frustration vanished.

Fourteen weeks in and she was still felling like crap. She lay in bed, trying to go back to sleep but the horrible feeling spread into her throat and she clamped her hand over her mouth, pushing back the covers. Steve watched as she dashed into the en-suite, dropped to her knees and puked into the toilet, groaning. Steve climbed out of bed and followed her, crouching besides her as she heaved and heaved again, gently holding her hair back out of the way, rubbing her back. Eventually she let out a sigh and slumped to sit on the floor looking up at him as he smoothed her hair back behind her ears.

“I don’t think I like being pregnant” she mumbled and he chuckled slightly.

“Oh doll” he sighed, his hand still on her face “Can I get you anything?” “Some water, please.”

He dropped a kiss to her head and stood up, heading out of the bathroom. When Katie was sure she was done being sick for the time being she stood up, washed her face and cleaned her teeth, glancing at her reflection. Some pitiful woman with a bright red face looked back at her and she rolled her eyes. If this was glowing then fuck that.

Steve came back a minute or so later with a bottle of water which he held out. She took it off him with a thanks and then headed back into the bedroom. Draining half the bottle she set it down on the dresser and pulled out some fresh underwear, pulling off Steve’s T-shirt as she went. Steve watched her for a second, and then as she fastened her bra she turned to grab a top from the drawer and he felt his eyes widen as he noticed for the first time the slight swell in her stomach. Katie felt her eyes on him and she turned to look at him.

“Just boobs Steve.”she said, sniggering “They’re gonna get bigger.” “Sweetheart it’s not that, you’re…” he swallowed “You’re showing.”

Katie glanced down and was raised her eyebrows before she moved over to where the full length mirror. Up until then she’d simply been putting on a bit of weight, finally giving in the week before when she couldn’t fasten her jeans up anymore, but it was nothing of major note. But now, almost as if it had appeared overnight, there was a slight curve sticking out between her pelvis bones. Not huge, but still there.

“I err…” she looked at Steve, smiling softly “Yeah, guess I am.”

“Stay right there!“ he dived onto the bed and picked up his phone which was charging on his nightstand

“Steve!” she laughed as he took a snap, knowing full well that there would likely be a sketch in his book of the photo later in the day. “Did you get my face in that?”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t matter because one is ever going to see you like this besides me.” He grinned back as he tossed his phone onto the bed as he stood up, wrapping his arms around her from behind, his hands coming to rest on her small bump.

“I love you, more than you can ever know.” He nuzzled at her neck as she pressed her back to his bare chest. He rest his chin on her shoulder and looked at her in the mirror and then their moment was ruined as the feeling rose in Katie’s throat again and she shifted, pushing him out of the way before running and vomiting once more into the toilet. Steve followed her again, handing her the bottle of water. She took a large gulp and thankfully it seemed to quell the last lingering queasiness she was feeling for the time being and she let out a sigh as she looked at him.

“You did this.” she narrowed her eyes at him.

“I know, and I’d like to say I’m sorry, but I’m not.”  he said with a sheepish grin.

“Hmmmm” she shook her head as he helped her to her feet. “You will be in five months or so when he or she is giving you as much grief as they’re giving me now.” “Well then I give you full permission to say I told you so.” He smiled. “Do you want any breakfast?” “God no.” she shook her head.

“You have to eat.” he frowned

“I know but not at half seven am when I’ve just puked my guts up” she said, placating him  “I’ll eat in a little while, I promise, once we’ve sorted Emmy out for school.” “I’ll hold you to that.” He said, patting her ass.

The other downside to being pregnant was the tiredness. And she felt exhausted all the time. So, Steve wasn’t surprised to find her flaked out on the bed, Lucky by her side, when he returned later that afternoon after collecting Emmy. They’d detoured to the store on their way home as they’d run out of peanut butter- Katie’s craving- as she would sit there eating the stuff out of the jar with a spoon. Whilst in Target, Emmy’s new favourite place on the planet, the girl had gone wandering off nearly giving Steve a heart attack until he found her in the clothes section, grinning at a maternity t-shirt. It was light yellow with a digger on the front, and the words “Under Construction” over the top. They’d both laughed until tears were rolling down their faces and had thrown it in the trolley. 

He’d left Katie asleep for as long as he could, until it was almost six pm and he knew she’d have trouble sleeping later on so as Emmy headed down to the lab to meet Bruce about some science project she was working, with the promise that as it was Friday they could get take-out, he headed into their bedroom and gently lay down next to her, giving her a soft kiss.

“Baby.” he gently bumped his nose against hers “I’m sorry but it’s almost six…” She cracked open one eye with a groan and glanced at Steve, his face was inches from hers as he lay on the pillow. Over the last four weeks or so, the unfortunate implication of her being tired constantly was that their sex life wasn’t exactly thriving and Katie hated that. It had always been such an important part to their relationship, how they lost themselves with one another but frankly, on most occasions recently, it was the thing furthest from her mind. The first time she’d pushed Steve away a fortnight ago his face had literally looked like she’d slapped him until she’d tearfully explained she was tired and cranky and her boobs hurt and, well, just and. He’d simply sighed and pulled her to him, and since then hadn’t moaned or pestered or made any move on her whatsoever. He understood, even if he did feel a little inadequate so to speak, but had been nothing but the perfect gentleman, doting husband and she couldn’t love him more for that.

But now there was a familiar feeling spreading between her legs that she was fucking happy to welcome back and she squirmed slightly as he tucked her hair behind her ears as he was totally oblivious as usual.

“I said we’d sit with Nat tonight and get take-out. That ok?” he looked at her.

“Sounds good, but, there’s something else I want first.”

“What?” he frowned, before he realised what she was insinuating as her hand drifted to the waistband of his jeans. “Ohhh.” he grinned as she leaned forward and pressed a kiss onto his lips. “Are we finally at the point of pregnancy where you’re supposed to be insatiable?” he asked as she undid the buckle of his belt.

She shrugged as he rolled her onto her back gently, his mouth dropping to her neck as she let out a soft groan, his hand creeping crept up her top before he paused.

“How are the boobs today?” he gave a smirk and she laughed as he pulled her top off.

“Tender, be gentle.” she said as his eyes greedily drank her in before his lips returned back to hers, the contact breaking only when she grabbed at his dark blue henley, suddenly desperate to feel his skin on hers. He let her pull it over his head, lips back together as soon as it was off and his hand gently moved downwards and into the top of her leggings, finding her spot. Her hips bucked violently at his touch and he looked at her, arching an eyebrow at how responsive she was being.

“Shit.” she said, “Fuck that’s sensitive.”

“Easy, baby.” he chuckled, his mouth soft on her neck as she groaned, enjoying the feeling of his hand working at her. When she couldn’t take it anymore she sat up slightly, undoing the button on his jeans and pushing them down his thighs before he shrugged himself free of them, and his boxers as Katie shucked off the bottom half of her clothing, before she pushed on his shoulders gently and he obliged, laying back so she could straddle him. As she took him in they both groaned slightly, his hips flexing upwards as she pushed down. Katie found a slow, steady rhythm that felt good, riding him softly as he met her movements thrust for thrust, hands on either side of her hips.

Now, Steve wasn’t exactly a prude in bed. Years of being with Katie had put paid to that but if he was honest his favourite position was still missionary. He liked the way it felt, the fact that he was the one doing the work and unravelling her underneath him, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t enjoy it any other way. He did. A lot. And as he looked up at her seeing her slightly distended belly, her swollen breasts protruding over the top of her bra and the other changes in her body thanks to the fact she was growing his baby, it all lit a fire in his belly every single fucking time he looked at her, well, frankly her on top now, watching her, it felt incredible.

“God you’re beautiful.” he muttered as he sat up, pressing his lips to hers as she groaned at the change of angle, grinding down against him harder “I love you so fucking much.” “I love you too.”she panted, her nose rubbing against his as he pushed up harder, making her cry out. “Fuck Katie.” he whimpered a little as she continued to roll her hips groaning loudly once more as the heat began to rise in her belly. He read the signals right, as he always did, pulling her down onto him harder, again and again.

“Stevie, I’m gonna…” and then she let out a soft cry, throwing her head back as she came undone, her hands tightening on his shoulders as he held her close, guiding her through her orgasm as he thrust upwards a few more times before following her right over the edge as she collapsed forward, her head lolling against his shoulder. It hadn’t been long, little over ten minutes if that, but it had felt amazing and as she sat still on his lap, his hands gently tracing up her back, she realised she’d never felt so cherished and loved in her life.  

**** December 2019

As Katie’s bump grew bigger, so did Steve’s protectiveness. The urge to keep his unborn child and his wife safe was coursing through his veins like molten lava. They’d already discussed moving from the Compound, and as such had put an offer in on a house in Brooklyn, which they were waiting to hear back from the realtor about. Emmy and Natasha thought the whole thing was hilarious, watching the normally composed and stoic soldier running around like a small child, and Katie did to a point, but as the weeks went on she started to get a little frustrated.

Natasha had reminded her she should be grateful he was so interested, as a lot of women didn’t have the help she did. And Katie knew that, she really did, but that didn’t stop her feeling slightly suffocated at the way he didn’t want her to go out alone, or drive, or clean, or basically do anything, and it all came to a head after twenty four weeks on the evening before their second sexing scan. They’d had one a few weeks before and Baby Rogers was not playing ball and lying in the most awkward position possible, so they’d been unable to tell what they were having. As such, they’d booked another to see if this time the little monster would be more co-operative. Steve was like a kid on Christmas eve, restless, eager to find out whether he was getting a son or a daughter, which didn’t help the situation as his incessant need to be doing something was driving Katie insane so she’d retreated to the bedroom which was where Steve found her now, pulling the sheets off the bed when Steve found her. He crossed his arms and frowned.

“What are you doing?“

“Rowing the Atlantic.” she looked at him, as he rolled her eyes at her sarcasm “What does it look like?”

“I can do that.” “Steve!” she groaned exasperatedly “You’re driving me insane! I’m pregnant not injured, I’m perfectly capable of changing the fucking sheets on our fucking bed!”

Steve recoiled instantly and stood looking at her, not sure what to do. He’d pushed her too far, he could see that. He swallowed as she looked up at him, her eyes flashing dangerously.

“I just…” he stuttered, running his hands through his hair. “I want to make sure you’re okay, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

His face wore the expression of a puppy dog she’d just booted across the floor and she sighed, running her hand over her face and moved to give him a hug “I know and I shouldn’t have snapped, that was uncalled for.” “I’m going overboard aren’t I?” he asked, dropping a soft kiss to her head. “I know you mean well, I really do, but I’m capable of walking around and doing stuff on my own.” she leaned back to look at him. “And I adore the fact that you want to care for me I really do but-” she stopped dead as she felt something flutter inside her belly. She laid her hand on her bump and there it was again, like butterflies but stronger. She had never felt it before, Dr Kellet saying it wasn’t unusual for a first time pregnancy not to feel the baby quickening until nearer twenty-five weeks but she had definitely felt that.

“Oh my God.” She whispered, looking down and then back up at him.

“What is it?” he frowned, looking at her, concern across every line of his face.

“The baby, it’s moving.” she smiled at him.

Steve felt his eyes widen before he grinned and dropped to his knees, letting her position his eager hands on her body. For the longest moment he held his breath, waiting.

"Sweetheart, it was barely more than a flutter, I’ve never felt it before so I doubt you will be able to feel anything yet.” Katie looked down at him.

He looked crestfallen and began to move his hands away but she stopped him.

“Talk to them, he or she might be able to hear you now.”

Steve looked up at her “So soon?” “Yeah.” she nodded, encouragingly. “They say between twenty three and wenty seven weeks so give it a try.” Smiling he bent closer, Katie lacing the fingers of her hands through his hair gently as he addressed her stomach.

“Hey, kid” he spoke softly, and his hands shifted up to the side of her bump “How’s it going in there?”

Katie felt another faint stir, deep inside.

“They did it again.” she grinned, and he looked up at her, his eyes shining. “They know your voice, Daddy.”

Steve stayed on his knees, watching her for a second, the utter love he felt for this woman and the baby she was cooking scared him at times. It consumed him like nothing he had ever known before. He often wondered how he was going to fare as a father, never having known his own and Katie had softly confessed one night she was just as scared as she had never known her parents properly either. But Steve had known his mom, Katie had Tony to look up to and they’d both coped ok with Emmy for almost a year now so they’d figure it out together.

“You think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asked, looking up at Katie from where he was knelt, his hands sliding up the outside of her thighs.

She paused, considering. “Truthfully, I haven’t a clue. What about you?

Steve got up "No idea,” he admitted, “And I don’t particularly care” He ducked his head to give her a soft kiss.”

“I’m leaning towards a boy though.” Katie smiled.

“Yeah, why’s that then?” “Just a hunch.” she grinned, cheekily “Because it’s an awkward little shit just like its dad.” *****

A face swim into focus - streaked with static, but undeniably a face - a perfect little profile with a forehead and nose and chin. The little thing on the screen suddenly moved, turning its head and pulling one hand up beside its face.

Steve’s hand curled round Katie’s as the pair of them glanced at the screen, both of them immersed at their little world, right there, completely unaware of how much it was already loved. It had been four weeks since they had seen it last and it seemed so much more clear even as little as twenty eight days further on.  

“Everything is perfect!” Dr Kellet was talking. “And, I’m happy to say Baby is in a much more cooperative mood so I can tell you what it is this time.”

Steve looked at Katie, his eyes bright and they both nodded eagerly.

“Congratulations, Mom and Dad,” she announced, smiling. “It’s a boy”

“A boy.” Steve whispered, and Katie smiled as her raised her hand to press a kiss against her knuckles. She turned to look at him, his eyes were shining.

“This is real?” he suddenly demanded. “This - our baby - it is a he?”

Katie bit back the laugh at Steve’s astonished face. Dr Kellet smiled at Steve’s reaction and nodded reassuringly. “That’s your son.”

“You’re sure?” he asked for what felt like the thousandth time as they walked back to the car. “I mean, are those things accurate?”

Katie laughed, “Steve!”

“I know, I know.” he shook his head, still not quite able to believe it as he unlocked the car. Katie settled in the passenger seat as he climbed in next to her, and she glanced down at the image on the scan photo in her hands. “A son.” Steve smiled, looking out of the front window of the car. “We’re gonna have a boy.”

“Are you going to keep smiling like that all day?” she asked him.

“Probably.” Steve nodded, not an air of shame in his tone as he turned to face her. In all honestly he hadn’t cared what their baby was going to be, but as soon as they’d found out it was a boy he suddenly had visions of all the sorts of activities they could do together. Play fighting, baseball, football…not that he couldn’t do any of those with a girl but, well, it was his boy. A boy that would keep the Rogers name going once he was no longer there…

“Hey, now we can start thinking of names!” Katie grinned as he started the car up.

“Yeah.” He smiled, pulling out of the space “You had any ideas.” “Just one for a boy.”  Katie replied as he swung the car onto the main road.  She bit her lip, not sure how this was going to go down. “I thought about James.”

Steve’s shoulders tensed slightly. “After Bucky?” His voice was soft.

Katie nodded “That’s one person, yeah.”

Steve took a deep breath. If he was honest he’d had the same thought but he wasn’t completely sure about it. He didn’t want their kid named after Bucky because Katie simply thought it was what he wanted. He wanted it to be for the right reasons. Besides, it wasn’t like Bucky ever went by that name anyway. He shook his head and turned to look at Katie for a second.

“I’m not sure I could call a kid James. He went by Bucky after all.”

“I like it” Katie shrugged. “Plus, there are other nicknames for James, you know like Jim or Jamie.” "Jim?” he snorted, looking at her “He’s not an old man.” “No but his dad is.” she replied, playfully.

**** It was a week after Christmas when Steve finally got to feel his baby moving. They’d finally taken possession of the keys for the house in Brooklyn and after a long day of packing things into boxes, Katie had headed to the bedroom, jar of peanut butter and spoon in hand. Their son had been doing flips and kicking like a trooper all day, and she was exhausted.

Steve and Emmy stayed up to watch a film before calling it a night and after making sure Emmy was settled, Lucky assuming his place at the base of her bed, he climbed under the covers behind his wife, his hand straying to her bump as he hooked an arm round her, his thumb gently stroking to and fro when Katie rolled onto her back, looking up at him, biting her lip. Suddenly she wasn’t tired anymore and was craving the other thing she seemed to be constantly after which wasn’t peanut butter. And Steve was more than happy to comply.

“You are terrible.” he muttered with a grin, giving her a hard kiss and she squirmed as his hand touched her hip. She was extra sensitive to any touch he gave her at the moment, and he knew it. Grinning, he shuffled down slightly and she bit back a smile as he rest his forehead against her rounded abdomen.

“Hey son.” he cajoled. “Your mom says you’ve been pretty active all day today so how about a bit of something for your old man?”

And then Katie felt the jab, which was far stronger than anything she’d felt before, as their son really did give a kick or an elbow, whichever it was it had been harsh! Steve stilled as he thought he had felt something, but wasn’t sure. Quickly he looked up, holding the covers so that they were peaked around his head and he glanced up at Katie who nodded at him. He bowed his head once more against her stomach, hands resting either side as he felt their baby again. He took a shaky breath, simply staying there as Katie laced her fingers into his hair as their son continued to wriggle, Steve’s hand following every movement before they died down. It was incredible, and he couldn’t help but feel utterly in awe at the life growing inside his girl.

Fuck, she was incredible, being able to make that.

Eventually, after a moment or so of nothing Steve pressed a soft kiss to the side of her bump.

“I gotta help your mom out with something now so…” he looked up at Katie, grinning cheekily, before his head made its way further downwards and soon it was another feeling he was cherishing altogether.

"You know, betcha he’s gonna be super smart, like Tony or Banner smart” Steve said later that night as they lay together, her back pressed to his chest again. She couldn’t lie in her preferred position with her head on her chest anymore as her bump made it uncomfortable but if he was honest he preferred this way, he could simply rest his hand right over his son and stay there all night.

“Well he will be half Stark.” Katie mused as she lay her hand on top of Steve’s, her fingers skating over his wedding ring. “But I hope he looks just like you.”

Steve smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck, closing his eyes.

“You know, we really should try and make a bit more progress on the whole name front.” Katie sighed. "I still think we should call him James,”

Steve shook his head, eyes still closed.

“All right, then let’s name him after one of the other Commandos.” Katie said, turning her head to look at him.

Steve considered the matter for a second and then frowned. He cracked open an eye and gave his wife a dirty look as she started laughing. He had told her once that it had been a well-worn joke that all but three – him, Gabe, and Timothy - were named some variant of the name James.

“I assume you’re not suggesting we name him Gabriel,” he deadpanned, setting her off into another laugh.

“Emmy had a suggestion before.” Katie said, biting her lip. “Yeah?” “Horatio.” “What the...where the hell did she get that from?” Steve began as Katie threw her head back and laughed.

“I’ve no idea, but she couldn’t keep a straight face when she said it.” Katie said, before he pondered something “What about Joseph after your dad?”

“Joe...” Steve tried the name out before he grimaced and shook his head. “Joe DiMaggio played for the Yankees.“

“I’ll file that under the long list of no’s then.” Katie sighed, rolling her eyes.

******

February 2020

They moved into their house at the end of January. It wasn’t far from the place they had looked at a few years back, and was fairly similar. A large, L-shaped, red brick detached, in a quiet area with sprawling gardens, enough rooms to house an army and a pool area which sported bi-folding doors that completely retracted to reveal an enormous outside space complete with hot tub, dining area and a well-manicured garden.

It was perfect and even Tony failed to find anything to pick fault with. Being in the position they were in, they decided to get everything ready before they moved in fully. To be fair there wasn’t much to do bar a bit of decorating. They had someone come and do most of it, hiring the interior designer that had done the compound, but Steve was adamant he wanted to do the baby’s room himself, and Katie wasn’t going to deny him of that.

Steve barred her from the room, allowing no one in but Emmy who was helping him with the painting. She’d helped him pick the colours and all Katie was allowed to do was select the furniture much to her grumblings.

“She’s gonna love it.” Emmy said, looking around at the finished room. Steve dropped an arm round the girl’s shoulder.

“I hope so kiddo.” he said.

“Can we show her now?” Steve smiled, excitement flooding his system “Yeah, let’s do it.”

The two of them wandered out onto the landing and Steve called his wife. She came out of their room where she had been arranging throw cushions on their bed for the 1000th time that day, her nesting instinct kicking in.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“We wanna show you the baby’s room!” Emmy grinned. Katie’s face split into a grin and Steve leaned down to give her a soft kiss when she hissed as their son gave her an almighty boot in the ribs.

“Shit!” she hissed, rubbing at her side. “He kicked me then, really hard. That hurt!”

“Language!” Steve said grinning as he placed his hand on her stomach, gently feeling before he grinned and went to kiss her again, and she received another boot

“You know, I don’t think he likes you kissing me…” she pushed Steve away. “Listen, buddy.” he leaned down so his head was level with her bump. “We need to lay down some ground rules because in a month or so, you’re gonna be here demanding all your mom’s attention, but until then, she’s 100% mine, you got that?”

Emmy cackled out a laugh “Yeah you tell him Steve-o.” “Let’s hope he pays more attention to me than you do!” he shot the 12 year old a look and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah yeah, come on, I wanna show mom what we did.” The use of the word didn’t pass Katie by. Her eyes widened a little and she looked at Steve whose mouth had dropped open, but he hastily shut it, as Katie rearranged her face swiftly. They hadn’t even talked about what they would do if Emmy started calling them mom or dad, it hadn’t entered their minds. But it was too late, the young girl had spotted their faces and stood, frowning at them.

“What? Did I just say something that-” and then her eyes widened “Oh, I’m…sorry, it just, well, slipped out, I mean…”

Before she could say anything else Steve pulled her into a hug and shook his head “You know we love you like you’re our own.” “And if you feel the same then that’s fine by us, it’s more than fine.” Katie smiled.

Emmy sniffed a little and wiped away the tears that had sprung from her eyes and to save her any more embarrassment Steve nodded at the door to the room. “Do the honours then.” before he stood behind Katie gently placing his hands over her eyes. Emmy pushed the door open as Steve stepped forward, gently steering Katie into the room.

“Steve, I’m gonna fall.” she laughed, “My centre of gravity is way off on account of me being as big as a hippo.”

“I won’t let you fall, what you take me for?” he chuckled as the smell of fresh paint hit her nostrils.

“Ready?” Emmy asked, excitedly, looking at Steve who winked at him, his own exhilaration was radiating off him and Katie could feel it. She nodded and Steve moved his hands, so she could look round the room. It was a pale blue colour on all four walls, but on the third where the crib nestled it was slightly darker, and sported a quote painted in elegant darker blue letters that she recognised instantly as being from Peter Pan, one of Steve’s favourite childhood books: “Second star on the right and straight on ‘til morning.”  The same wall was also decorated with rows of silver and white stars. The gloss woodwork in the room was fresh and white, and the furniture was also assembled- a small wardrobe, dresser with drawers, crib, a changing unit and a rocking chair and she noticed Steve had stained the wood on the top of the changing unit a dark blue colour too, something she would never have thought to do. The entire room was an ode to the artist in him.

“Do you like it?” Steve asked after giving her enough time to take it all in. She turned to him and shook her head, and Steve felt his heart sink.

“No.” she whispered.

“You don’t?” Emmy asked, exchanging a look with Steve who’s face fell and Katie bit her lip and looked at him

“I love it.”

“Don’t do that!” he rolled his eyes as his hands locked behind her back whilst Emmy cackled.

“Honestly,” Katie said, looking round as she stood in his arms, “guys it’s amazing.”

“You’re amazing.” he said, glancing down at the bump which was now between them “Growing him in there.” “I’m also hungry.” she smiled, apologetically, and Steve laughed.

“Subs?” he asked.

His girls nodded and he looked at Emmy frowning “Chicken and bacon ranch…extra tomato” He knew she hated tomato but he couldn’t resist the opportunity to tease her.

She rolled her eyes, “You’re such a doofus dad…”

Dad.

Steve felt his voice catch, thick with emotion as he coughed to clear his throat “Oh, yeah, its extra cucumber, and…” he looked at Katie “Same?”

She nodded. “With cheese. And extra pickle.”

He kissed the side of Katie’s head before he left the room.

“I did the stars.” Emmy smiled, as her arm slid round Katie’s waist as they both looked round the room again “Dad did the stencil and showed me how to do it.”

Katie dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s fantastic.”

“I can’t believe he’s gonna be here in like seven weeks.” Emmy said, turning to look at Katie’s stomach when the pair of them jumped slightly as there was a rumble of thunder from outside. Katie glanced out of the window, frowning. It wasn’t the right time of year for storms but then again, since Thanos the entire weather front was still fucked up.

Downstairs, Steve was shrugging his jacket on, ready to head out to the sandwich shop. His head was still whirling from the fact Emmy had just called the pair of them mom and dad, but whirling in a good way. They’d come so far with the girl, it hadn’t been all plain sailing but she as a good kid and had settled well, even more so after they had assured her she was going nowhere when the baby was born. Smiling to himself, he pulled the heavy door open, the bottom catching slightly. He made a mental note to plane it down a little, and then he looked up colliding with something, the force of which bounced him back into the hall slightly. He looked up immediately, and felt his face drop into a look of shock as he saw the man standing in front of him.

“Thor.” he said, taking in his appearance. His hair was now shoulder length again, how it had been when they had first met him. His beard was back and slightly longer and Tony had been right, he was sporting the first signs of a beer belly. But he was clean and his eyes were bright, a great improvement on last time. “I err,” he looked nervously at Steve, “I came to see you and Little Stark…Natasha said you would be here so…” “Yeah, come in.” he said, stepping back. Thor stepped over the threshold and looked around appraisingly before he turned to Steve “I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did…” Steve took the God’s hand and shook it “Look, we all say stuff we don’t mean in the heat of an argument, and it’s good of you to come.”

He shut the door and walked a little further into the hallway, gesturing for Thor to follow him.

“Honey!” he called up the stairs “We have a visitor.”

Katie appeared at the top of the stairs, Emmy in tow and she stopped as she looked down at the two men.

“Little Stark.” Thor looked up at her, the fingers of his left hand playing with the ones on his right nervously. “You’re not so little I see. Nice err, bump.”

“Hey Thunder God.” Katie said softly, making her way down the stairs. She glanced at Steve who was tactful enough to understand what she was suggesting, this was going to be a moment the two once close friends shared on their own.

“I’m just off out to fetch lunch.” Steve clapped Thor on the shoulder, “Can I get you anything?” “Tuna melt, extra pickle and chipotle sauce?” Katie asked, looking at Thor and he smiled, nodding.

“You got it. Emmy?” Steve jerked his head towards the door “Wanna come with me?” Emmy frowned “No.” “Let me rephrase that, you’re coming with me.”

She rolled her eyes “But-“ “No buts.” Steve opened the door and gestured out of it with his hand “Mush”

“Fine.” she grumbled “But I want a big slice of cake now too.” Steve shut the door behind them, Katie could hear the vague sounds of their arguing as they walked towards the car and Thor turned to her, puzzled.

“Oh, erm, she’s our foster daughter.” she supplied “You remember Emmy from the Christmas Party you came to? That’s her.”

Thor smiled “Your compassion never ceases to amaze me Little Stark.” he sighed.

“Come on.” she smiled, heading to the kitchen as he followed. She opened the fridge and he selected a beer before he looked at her as she opened it using the bottle opener set into the counter. He took a large drain from the bottle and glanced over at Katie who watched him carefully.

“So, I owe you an apology.” Thor said, awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck in a way that Katie thought was very Steve like, “I should not have talked to you the way I did last year, it was unforgivable…” “Yeah, well, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have punched you.” she offered.

“it was a good punch.” He mused, his hand touching his nose

“Almost broke my hand.” she smiled at him “So, shall we call it quits?” “I would like that.” Thor grinned and she stepped into his arms, allowing him to hug her

“You’re positively blooming.” he looked down as he released her. “May I?”

“Go ahead.” she grinned as Thor lightly placed the hand that wasn’t holding his bottle on her belly. Obligingly, her unborn son gave an almighty boot and Thor beamed up at her.

“Wow.” “Yeah, he’s a kicker.” “He?” Thor asked

“Yeah, it’s a boy.” Katie smiled “Wanna come see his nursery?” “I would very much like that, yes!”

And just like that, it was as if the last seven months hadn’t happened. In the end Katie gave Thor a complete tour and he looked round our house eagerly before Steve and Emmy returned with their food. The four of them ate in the kitchen, Thor patiently answering all of Emmy’s questions whilst filling Katie and Steve in on what was happening in New Asgard. Both of them were pleased to learn that he had been at the chair of the Elders now for 6 months, and they were currently underway with building a school. It was nice to see him so focussed again.

Eventually he announced it was time for him to go but before he did he grabbed his Axe from by the door. “Please, before I leave, I have a gift.” he nodded before he muttered something. There was a loud crack, which made them all jump and Thor grinned as he placed the item he was holding down on the floor. It was a beautiful pale yellow and white blanket, made from soft wool. Steve and Katie exchanged a glance as Katie took it, running her hands over the soft fabric.

“Thor its beautiful.” she whispered, looking at him.

“It has been made by the seamstresses in New Asgard.” He smiled “And I have worked every line of protection I know into the fabric. Your son will be safe while he sleeps.” Katie looked up at the God tears in her eyes before she hugged him once more “Thank you.”

*****

March 2020.

They were now into the last month of them being a family of three. And there was a huge elephant in the room, the fact that Baby Rogers still didn’t have a name.

Steve had been called away on business for a week again at the end of February, and had returned a few days ago, telling Rhodey he was done for the time being as the Doctors had said their baby was basically at full term size now and could arrive imminently, something that he knew was making his wife even more anxious that they hadn’t picked a name. But it was so damned hard, harder than anything he had thought about before. Every name each of them suggested the other had a reason not to use, and Katie kept coming back to the name James. Steve liked it too - he just thought it was unfair to Katie to name their child after his best friend.

But she wasn’t giving up so easily. She had one last card to play.

“You know, you were named after your Grandfather, weren’t you?” she asked one evening as she sat cross legged on the bed, eating from a jar of peanut butter.  “Let’s name him after mine, my mom’s dad. He was great.”

Steve aimed a doubtful eye at her as he walked out of the en-suite, "Please tell me his name wasn’t Horatio” he begged.

Katie laughed, biting her lip “No, it was Jim…”

Steve threw his hands up in exasperation, shaking his head as Katie continued to chuckle. He sighed, he was beat.

"You really like the name James?” he asked, dropping onto the bed and moved so he was led on his side behind her.

She nodded and suddenly felt a huge kick in her side.

“Ow!” she rubbed her palm across her large, rounded stomach, feeling her son’s strong kick.

Steve grinned, propped himself up on his right elbow and curled his left arm around his wife, hand resting on her bump, relishing the feel of their baby moving.

“I think he does too.” she smiled softly as she looked down at Steve. “Why are you so set against it?” “I’m not.” he sighed. “I just don’t want you naming him after Bucky just because of what he meant to me, and I’m still not sure I can call a baby James.”

“James is a nice, strong name for a little boy.” she shrugged, continuing before he could protest “Baby, let’s not forget Bucky saved my life, if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t be having this conversation. And, if it makes you feel any better I want his middle name to be after someone who means the world to me.” she smiled, looking at him “Anthony.”

He raised his eyebrows slightly at the middle name before he smiled as their baby gave another huge kick.

“See?” Katie grinned as he looked down at her belly, his hand resting gently against his son who was now kicking with all his might and she knew from the look on his face that even before he was born their son had won Steve over.

“James Anthony Rogers.” Steve said, softly. It was a great way to honour both their bothers, but he couldn’t help but feel there was someone else deserving of it too. He looked up at Katie, cocking his head slightly to the right. “Could he have a third name?”

Katie frowned slightly. Neither Tony, her, or Steve for that matter, had a third name, but if Steve wanted to, then…

“What you thinking?” she asked, although she was pretty sure she knew the answer. He looked away from her for a moment and then cast his eyes to the framed photo on the wall in their bedroom, a photo taken at their wedding, the faces of all their friends and family beaming back at him. He looked back up at her and gave a little smile. “Samuel.”

Even though she had known it was coming, her eyes filled with tears- damned pregnancy hormones- as she looked at him, the memory of their lost friends springing into my mind. “James Anthony Samuel Rogers.” she whispered. “Jamie for short?”

The last part was a question more than anything but she knew he was on board when he beamed at her, tears of his own forming in his eyes as he leaned up to kiss her. “Perfect.”

Tags

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@thewackywriter​

@marvelfansworld​

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[jay-and-dean]

Jerk

Gif not mine, found on Google

Dean x Reader

This is my first AU, it’s a request from @thatgirl1456 : I hope you’ll like what I wrote.

Can you write a one shot where the reader and dean are in high school but they absolutely hate each other. But then Sam like ends up in the hospital cuz a accident and the reader was there and helped him. Dean reaches the hospital and sees her and some how they start to fighting. But somehow they end up together as a couple. (Reader is the captain of the varsity volleyball team and Dean is the quarterback for the football team) pleassseee and thankkk youuu😘😘😘🥰

Warnings : swearing (have you seen the title), angst, fluff.

Words : 4k

***Want to read more ? => MASTERLIST***

____________________________

MONDAY

             Look at this fucker.

           No really, look at him.

           He’s joking with the lunch lady, just trying to get what he wants, as usual, not because he needs something, just because he wants special treatment, just to have more, to be better than anyone once again... The lady is under his spell, laughing at his stupid joke ; that woman is usually sour, but as oh-so-charming-quarterback is talking to her, she smiles like an idiot. Jock.

This is how he works, seducing his way to get anything, or way out of anything. I despise this kind of guy, the kind that always had everything and doesn’t know what real life is. Like people only exist to serve them.

Watching him train when our teams are both outside is unbearable, my girls all drooling on him while he does everything he can for them to look at him... Stupid jerk.

I bet he’s rich too. I bet his parents throw huge parties each time he succeeds on something or do them a little favor or even poops, since he’s born. And I bet he thinks poverty is a type of music.

He doesn't even work in class, just jokes and flirts with every stupid girl in his sight ; he knows he can count on sport to save him. And it works...

The last few month are even worse, now he doesn't just ignores me, he picks on me,  implying I act like a spoiled child every time I open my mouth in class. He just doesn't know how hard I work...

I hate that guy.

His super bright smile and his perfect jaw, the way he walks like he owned the place, that cocky attitude, that fake kindness…

Fuck Dean Winchester.

“I don’t understand why you hate that guy so much” Laura says.

"Laura, you just find him attractive..." I grunt.

"Actually not only Y/n, he's kind, he's not a bully, he cares about his little brother... and, yes, he's very, like VERY attractive... Look at his butt" she sighs dreamingly, putting her chin in her hand. 

As she says that, my eyes catch his little brother entering shyly with a little paper bag. His hair falling on his face, like a mask, like he needed to hide. Not a bully... Yeah I'm not that sure. How can one brother look so miserable when the other acts like he owns the world. I'm sure that douche is awfully mean to his nerd little brother.

           The thing is I like his brother, he's a smart kid. I had the opportunity to hear him submit projects and read what he wrote for the High school's newspaper. He seems to be a good guy too, interested in international laws... He acts like he wants to save the world.

           The minutes Sam enters the room to eat alone as usual, Dean rushes toward him. I don't hear what he tells him but he seems pissed. He opens Sam's bag callously and rolls his eyes, then he half screams half whispers at his brother's face. When cute little Sam seems sad, I have enough and decide to step in.

"Hey, Dean, why don't you lay into someone your size for once ?" I say, stopping in front of him.

"That's none of your business, Y/n" he grunts.

And I see worry spread on Sam's face.

"I think it is. Why don't you let him eat alone ? I'm sure he has enough of your nastiness at home. I bet your parents don't see through this, but I do."

There it is : The true face of Dean Winchester. His green eyes darken and his jaw clench, every ounce of fake kindness has left his face.

"It's okay..." Sam tries but Dean makes him freeze just lifting his hand.

"Listen to me, bitch, what I say to my brother is none of your concern. So back off."

"Or what ?" I dare, my eyes glued to his, my body tense.

"Stop !" Sam stands up and takes his brother's arm to lead him outside.

"I'll keep an eye on you, Dean !" I shout.

"I bet you will, frustrated bitch !" He states loud.

Everyone is looking at us, even Laura seems to disapprove my words. Why is everyone so seduced by this asshole ?

 ***

TUESDAY

             The hall is empty. I take the opportunity to go talk to the Principal, I need him to agree on my proposition for the Volleyball Team, we can't afford loosing, not after such a perfect season, I'm so proud of the hard work my team accomplished... I walk with a smile on my face but when I turn in the hallway, I stop.

           Dean.

           He's sitting nonchalantly slumped on the chair facing the Principal's office, probably waiting for mommy and daddy to fix whatever mess he's made. When he sees me, he rolls his eyes in an exaggerated sigh.

"Are you here to denounce someone ?" he mocks.

"Are you here for hitting a 8 or 9th grade, jerk ?"

"Fuck you" he grunts.

I lean against the wall next to the Principal door. After a few minutes of waiting in an unbearable silence, the doors open and the Principal starts to talk. He doesn't see me.

"M. Winchester, I had your father on the phone, he says we need to use an exemplary severity with you..."

Dean looks up at me through his thick lashes, he seems angry, probably embarrassed that Mr. Grahams didn't see me. But there is something else in those eyes, something I've never seen, something weak or true, or both : shame.

"So you'll stay in detention after class everyday for two months" the Principal states and Dean's face turns pale.

"What ? No ! No no no please I can't I have..."

"Better things to do ?" Mr. Grahams cuts him. "I don't think so, it's the fifth assignment you don't do. For the last few month you barely show up in time in class... Next time maybe I will leave you without trainings for a few months.”

“No…Please” Dean looks down.

“Well you know what to do Mr. Winchester…”

Dean gets up and looks at me with dark eyes, then he leaves with his hands in his pockets.

           When Mr. Grahams finally notices me, his face changes, and a warm smile appears on his face.

"Ah, finally a student worth my time !" he states and I glance at Dean, slowly walking in the hallway.

I know he heard that. And I'm glad his little game doesn't work on the Principal... still, I have a feeling Dean might be hurt...

What are you thinking about Y/n ! Who cares ! The bully had it coming.

 ***

WEDNESDAY

           I sit on the stairs and take my notebook, it’s a little late and the Sun is already setting slowly but I need to work math a little, and take time alone to think about the next game. I didn’t tell Laura where I was because that’s one of those times when I want to be alone for a while and she always joins me.

           I like to stay outside a bit after class, my parents allow it because they know I always come back for diner. They know how much pressure I put on myself with the Team and all.

           After a few minutes, Sam Winchester sits on another stair and I can’t help but look at him from the corner of my eye. This boy is a mystery to me. What his he doing here so late ?

           I take a deep breath and close my book. I know I should leave him alone but I have to be sure he’s okay, and to apologize for embarrassing him monday in the cafeteria.

“Sam ?”

He turns his kind eyes toward me and frowns a little.

“Y/n…" I introduce myself even if we've seen each other a few times. "I’m… Do you remember me ?”

He nods.

“I’m sorry for the other day… I’m just… What are you doing alone ?”

He shrugs.

“Sam ? Is everything okay ?” I insist.

“Yes… I’m waiting for Dean…”

I clench my jaw, this fucker must have forgot him, or he doesn’t care and is fucking one of those brainless bitches.

“Why don’t you call your parents ?”

He lifts his head and his beautiful changing colors eyes drown in mine. He has this look I saw on his brother’s face, shame. He shrugs again.

“Do you want me to take you home ?” I ask.

“No, thank you. I have to wait for Dean, he will be worried sick if I don’t wait for him.”

“Worried huh ?”

His stomach rumbles, probably with hunger, and I bite my lip.

“Sammy ?” Dean’s voice interrupts us. “What are you doing here, bitch ?” he grunts.

"Making sure your brother doesn't spend the night alone !" I shout at his face.

"Come on Sammy, let's go home" he ignores me, and Sam gets up to follow him.

"That's it run away in your stupid car !" I states but he keeps ignoring me.

They both enter the black Chevy Impala that douche loves so much, probably more than his little brother. And Dean shows me his middle finger before he starts the engine.

           I hate that jerk.

 ***

FRIDAY

             A storm is raging. I won't be able to sit on the stairs today. Laura waves at me rushing out of the building, her bag above her head. I try to open my umbrella but the wind almost breaks it. So I run toward my car.

           I drive slow, the pouring rain makes it really difficult to see the road, and, with the heat, a thick mist forms inside the car. I didn't even turn the music on as I usually do.

           Suddenly, a car appears in the other side of the road out of nowhere, way too fast, and I hear a loud screech of tires. As I'm sure it will collide with me, I have the dangerous reflex to close my eyes for a second. Then nothing.

           I open my eyes and notice I'm shaking. I look at my hands, everything is normal. No impact, no pain, no blood. I breathe out loudly, exhaling all the air I had kept in my lungs.

           I turn my head and see the car almost fell into the ditch. Shit ! I open my door, still trembling from the intense fear, and walk toward it under the rain. A man comes out of it, he looks panicked.

"Are you okay ?" I shout to be heard over the storm's deafening sound.

The man looks shocked, looking nowhere in particular.

"Mister ?" I insist, looking inside of the car to check he was alone in it.

"The b-boy" he mutters.

"The boy ?" I ask loud, rain falling in my eyes. "What boy ?"

He points at the ditch and my eyes widen.

           Sam Winchester is laying here, his bag still firmly held in his hand.

"Oh God, I'm sorry" the man cries without moving at all.

I run toward Sam and my shaking hands don't dare to touch him. I know it can make things worse. I check his pulse and don't find it at first, but he moves.

"Dean..." he whines.

"I'll call him, don't... don't move Sam. It's Y/n, you remember me ?" I say pushing his hair out of his face. "Call 911 !" I yell at the man standing behind me.

           While he does, I look at Sam's body. I don't see blood but he looks so intensely in pain. I take his phone from his pocket to look for his parents number.

"J-jerk" Sam mutters.

I don't understand at first but then I see a number called Jerk in his phone. Of course... I call it but a voicemail starts before the phone even rang.

Hey it's Dean Winchester, leave me alone.

More than ever, his cocky attitude makes me want to hurt someone. I call three more times. Nothing.

"What are your parent's number Sam ?" I try but he coughs blood and I start to panic.

"Oh my God, stay with me Sam, I'm not leaving your side."

"I'm sorry" the man says behind me. "I-I... I didn't see..."

I really don't have time to deal with his guilt right now.

"What did they say ?" I groan.

"They're coming" he cries. "Listen, tell the boy I'm sorry..."

"What ?"

Before I can react the man enters his car and makes the wheels turn fast, then he leaves.

"What !" I start to shake. "Are you... Fucking serious..."

A hot tear runs down my cheek as I realize I'm alone with a maybe dying Sam, and I only notice it among the rain drops because it's burning.

"Okay, hey Sam stay with me okay ? I'm staying with you, just stay with me..."

 ***

             While the phone rings I notice blood on my hand. I walk in the hall, my legs still shaking.

"Hey sweetie, where are you ?" my mom answers.

"Mom, don't freak out, I'm at the hospital but I'm not hurt."

"What ? What happened ?"

"There is this guy, he got hit by a car and, I found him. I-I can't reach his family so I will stay here a little longer with him okay ? I promised I won't leave his side so..."

"Oh, Y/n you have such a good heart... Okay do you need dad or me to join you ? Is it bad ? Give me the boy's name, I'll try to reach his family."

"Thank you mom... It's Sam, Sam Winchester..."

"Is it Dean's brother ?" she asks with a worried tone and I frown.

"Y-yeah... why ? How do you know Dean ?"

She doesn't answer but repeats her question.

"Is it bad Y/n ?"

"I don't know, they took him for tests, but, he... he was coughing blood mom..."

"Oh God sweetie, I'm on my way..."

"No mom, it's okay, just, if you know Dean, try to reach him please..."

 ***

             I look down at Sam, he's asleep, but out of danger. I look at his phone and feel so sad, no one comes for him...

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER !" Dean suddenly yells entering the room.

He runs toward Sam and takes his face in his hands.

"What did I do ? I can't believe it !" I shake my head in disbelief and push his shoulder to make him face me. "Where were you huh ? Banging a slut ? Why was your brother walking on the side of the road under the rain ? Why didn't you answer your fucking phone ? Are you serious !"

"Fuck you bitch" he pushes me.

"Excuse me ?" I scream. "I'm the one who stayed with Sam while you were MIA !"

"Hey Sammy, I'm here..." he starts ignoring me again.

"Dean ! I'm talking to you ! Where are your parents ? Call them ! You're not good enough for your brother !" I say losing my calm.

He turn toward me and his eyes darken, he pushes me, almost making me fall.

"Oh you're going to hit me, asshole ?"

"Fuck you Y/n, just fuck you, let Sam and me be. Go back to your perfect life, to your perfect family and forget about Sam and me !"

"My perfect..." I start to grunt but something makes me stop.

He cries.

Dean Winchester is crying burning tears.

"Please, Y/n..." he pleads, suddenly weak. "Thank you for saving him okay ? Just... leave us now. Please..."

           His voice just broke my heart and while I wait outside of Sam's room I try to think. Who is Dean Winchester ? Why no parents showed up ?... Why do I feel the urge to hug this awful distress away ?

"Sweetie" my mom enters the corridor.

"Mom, I told you not to come" I say, hugging her.

"Well I had to drive Dean, I couldn't let him drive after I told him Sam was in the hospital, he would have put himself in danger..."

I turn to look at the room door.

"How do you know Dean ?" I dare.

"He started to work in the shop after school a few months ago. He's such a nice guy..."

"He works at the bookshop ? Every days ?" I ask, strangled.

"Yes" she states. "He works so hard..."

           After a few minutes, Dean walks out of the room and my mom rushes toward him.

"Did he woke up ?" she asks, putting a kind hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, he told me to go home" he smiles sadly. "One of the broken ribs damaged his lungs, but now the doctor say he's going to be fine..." his voice is so exhausted.

"You're coming home with us, Dean" my mother states.

"Thank you Mrs. Y/L/N, but I'm sure Y/n doesn't want me around. You've already done so much."

"Dean..." she insists. "Have you got something to eat in your fridge ?"

This is how my mom works, always wondering if people eat enough, sleep enough, she's a good mother.

"I..." he tries but she cuts him.

"That's what I thought. You're not going home alone, Dean..."

 ***

             Dean never looks at me. He's awkward and shy. My mom gives him food and he eats like he's been starving for days. I just sit here, watching him in disbelief. What if I was mistaking ?

"So Dean ?" my dad makes me jump when he talks. "Your parents are out of town ?"

"My dad is, Sir" he answers with such precaution I wonder if he talks this way to his own father. Then I remember the Principal saying that his dad asked him to be very strict. "He's a marine and... well he's not often home. Sammy haven't seen him for months..."

"And you have ?" my father asks, crooking an eyebrow.

"No... it, it doesn't count, I mean it's... Sam is more important. He's younger..."

"I see... my wife told me you were selfless... And your mother ?"

"She died, Sir" he answers still not looking at me and my heart breaks. "She died in a fire when my brother was a baby. My dad pretty much works his pain away since then..."

How could I be so wrong... I get up and clean the table before Dean can do it, just because I need to do something for him, it's my silent way to say I'm sorry. He lift his gaze on me for the first time when my hand brushes his. I take his plate and he mutters a thank you.

"You seem like a good boy, Dean. And my wife told me you have a very pretty car... Do you like mechanics ?"

"Yeah ! It's a 67 Chevy Impala, it's my dad's car. I do love mechanics" the green eyed boy says.

"Would you come to my work someday ? I own a car shop."

"I would love that Sir, but I have school and the detentions and my job..." he lower his eyes.

I look at my dad and I know he can read how sad I am for Dean... The hate disappeared. It's like I truly saw him for the first time.

"I heard you work to pay for Sam's college" my dad states and I realize my mother knows him way better than I do.

"Yes, Sir. I'm not that smart but Sam is, and he wants to get a law degree... My... My dad doesn't want him to. He wants us to join him in the army... I might have to but if Sam can go to college..."

"I'll pay you" my dad cuts him. "Listen, my wife likes you, she says you're kind and from what I hear... I think she's right, as always. What do you say you stop selling books and learn how to fix a car with me ? If you work hard, I'll keep you and you won't have to join the army" he states and Dean's face lit up.

 ***

             I sit on my bed and sigh. He is already under the blanket, on the mattress next to my bed, he turns his back on me.

"Dean..." I try. "I'm sorry..."

He doesn't answer but I keep going anyway.

"I realize I judged you. I think I was jealous because everything seemed so easy for you, and I'm so stressed out all the time... I was wrong. Sam is lucky to have you..."

I wait but he doesn't say a word so after a few minutes, I turn the light off.

"I was jealous too..." he finally whispers. "You... you have what I always dreamed of. Your mom is incredible, and your dad just trusted me after an hour..."

"Yes, they are good people, just like you."

I hear him lay on his back, and turn to look at him as my eyes get used to dark. My gaze lays on his profile, lingering on his lips. I never truly watched him. He is beautiful, not just attractive but charming, and now that I saw his soul...

"Dean ?"

"Mh ?"

"Why did you reprimand Sam back then in the cafeteria ?" I ask, trying not to let him hear the lump in my throat.

"Because he had taken only half of the sandwich I had made him to let me the other half. I was afraid he wouldn't eat enough..."

Tears roll down my cheek and before I can stop it, a sob escape my lips.

"I'm so sorry Dean..."

"Mh... I don't like that" he mutters, getting up.

"Wh-what ?"

"You feel sorry for me... I don't like that" he whispers, getting close.

Then he sits on my bed and strokes my hair. I can't move, I look up at him, his beautiful face lit only by the moon.

           He bends slowly and my breath is stuck in my chest.

           I close my eyes when his incredibly soft lips brush mine, then he really puts a kiss on my mouth, just one, before he gets up again.

"Thank you for saving my brother..." he says before he goes back to bed.

 ***

 FIVE MONTHS LATER

             When Sam sees me, he walks a little faster. I take his bag from his hand.

"You're not supposed to make physical efforts" I grunt.

"Carrying my bag is not..."

"Hey I will tell Dean" I cut him and he rolls his eyes.

           Laura joins us and messes with Sam's hair, making him grunt.

"Is Dean here ?" she says with a wide smile to make me roll my eyes.

Since I came back holding Dean's hand after only a weekend, and made her squeal, she says she will never stop teasing me about our relationship. And she indeed, never did.

             I get out of the car while Sam waits for me on the backseat, reading. I walk fast toward my dad, who is working on a car, his old cap on his head.

"Hey dad, are you finished ?"

"Hey sweetie. No, I'm not, but he can go home with you..."

           Hands wrap me and I feel a kiss on the back of my head. I turn and kiss my boyfriend's lips tenderly. I push a strand of his sweaty hair out of his face and he smiles at me, lightening the already bright day.

"Are you sure you don't need me anymore Bobby ?" Dean asks.

"No, no... You go back home and start to study, remember I'm not hiring you full time if you don't succeed final exams" my father grunts. "And hands off of my daughter !"

"Yeah... Sorry" Dean says letting me go. "Do you need me to buy something for diner ?"

"Keep your money for paying Stanford and go home !" my dad groans, throwing a wrench at him.

           As we walk toward the car, Dean bends on me, wrapping his strong arm around my waist.

"Hands of my daughter, yeah... We'll see that..." he rasps.

"Yeah well only if you let me help you with French, Mister I'm-not-that-smart-but-get-better-grades-than-the-girl-who-helps-me-when-I-want..." I kiss his cheek.

"D'accord Baby."

*D'accord = Okay

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[kuvvydraws]

I'm not sure if you've answered this question already, but I'm honestly very curious- why do you write fanfiction? I certainly enjoy it as much as you and have written a few things of my own, but I know it can be quite a personal topic for many writers. If it's too personal for you, don't feel any pressure to answer, but it's always interesting to see the writer's perspective outside of the story they've written :). I hope you understand what I'm trying to say-

Hey!

I actually enjoy the words and the rush your brain gets when they join without effort to create a reality.

Now, let me break that down XD

I've always had a book in my hands as far as my memory goes. My dad used to read to me when I was very little and from the second I could do it on my own, that was the best thing ever (yes, that means when I was punished for doing some shit, my books were taken away and I had to sneak them into my schoolbag and read in class like a heathen).

Not only I enjoyed books but I always found myself wanting to partake in the stories, and my brain was always running with the words and the scenes. (I discovered during my teenage years that brains have different ways to process thoughts and mine did it in words, so writing just sort of came naturally to me at that point in my life).

I discovered ffnet when I was 12, I think, but I had tried my hand at original works (that is, about five or six starts of different novels that never saw the light) and some "fanfiction" (about Nightmare Before Christmas because I had a big ass crush on Jack and I unassumingly created my first xReader ever) without knowing what the hell I was doing.

I just knew I wanted to write stuff and I did as much.

The thing is, I introduced one of my friends, who also loved to read and write, to ffnet, and we started writing together. The first thing we wrote was a Sesshomaru x OC fic, the second one was a Sasori x OC fic, and we dipped out toes into some Kuroshitsuji x OC...... all of them handwritten stories we promised we would type in a computer eventually (we didn't, they were horrible [I still have the notebooks we used for each of them and they are cringey as fuck]).

But we wrote for ourselves and we were happy like that.

So we were rampant and wild and having the best time. Back then I still wrote in Spanish (because I hardly knew any English and I didn't care for it), and I remember mixing Spain's Spanish with the ones from South America because obviously the percentage of writers in ffnet who used a different "dialect" Spanish was huge if you compare a single, tiny country with a whole continent.

At the same time I wrote with my friend, I wrote for myself. Naruto, Kuroshitsuji, Bleach, Hetalia.... And I met so many people, nice people, who loved my works (they were random fics, all of them x OC because I didn't know x Reader ones were a thing -they weren't at that time, and x Reader are harder to write in Spanish because all the words and pronouns are gendered one way or another-) and I got so much enjoyment from sharing them.

The thing about books I love the most is the fact that you can convey so many emotions with a few symbols, and you can create worlds out of ink and you can change views and inspire others. So, if none of my dumbass teenage novels were to roam the word, I still could share, in a free, open and fast way, my words with others.

Again, I was going to write them with or without posting them because I found -and still find- great pleasure when a scene creates itself in your brain and all you have to do to make it real is to write it down. (Sometimes my brain still does this and even when I'm daydreaming, my imagination is "written, described and dialogued" as if someone was reading a novel out loud. It makes writing so much easier).

And then I got hate.

I somehow had managed to miss all of the fandom drama that's so toxic in the internet because I didn't bother to interact with anyone in the fandoms beyond the reviews they left in my fics, and ffnet has a -sort of- specific search engine to help you find whatever you want, so I could never willingly find the "problematic stuff" because I was literally not trying to find it.

The hate comment I got was anonymous and very specific about everything that was wrong in a particular fic I had just updated -from plot and characterization to grammar and continuity-, and later on I discovered it came from a couple of authors who shared an account and who I admired greatly for their works. Turns out they were out for blood and hating on every fic that had updated that week and that had any members of their OTP shipped with some other character. (It was a Hetalia fanfic, I was writing SpUK and they were pro FrUk, if anyone is interested).

I was contacted by some other authors asking about this because they had gone through the very same thing -same specific hate, same hate comment- and I remember not giving a fuck.

I was 16 when I got the hate, writing for fun and trying to find a way to go through my shitty highschool days without falling into the black out of depression that haunted me. I remember not wanting to write anything anymore, leaving a fic I was very invested in writing to gather dust and rot in the forgotten folders of my computer because every time I tried to get on with it and progress, it felt wrong.

That thing I said about words just happening? It stopped. My brain was silent as a grave and trying to get my words out became painful. I remember struggling to even write regular project for my school.

I kept reading, of course -it was my only comfort and I really, really didn't want to give up on it-, but I abandoned the fandoms I enjoyed so much before. My new focus became the sci-fi, and I remember being hooked on Predator. Imagine my joy when I discovered there were thousands of works from that fandom! I was extasic.

Problem? They were written in English.

I didn't know shit about English besides being a language I was supposed to handle in school, memorize the unreasonably spelt words that were pronounced illogically regarding the fucking spelling and the stupid ass irregular verbs.

But I learnt English because I wanted a hot piece of alien ass XD

Back to the topic of fanfics, I still roamed ffnet, keeping 15 tabs open and reading until 5 am... But now there was a world of possiblities in front of me because of course everyone on this goddamn Earth writes in English.

So, for the next years I did that, and my words didn't come. It was fine, tho, because I had so many new things to read.

It wasn't until fall of 2018 that I dabbed into the idea of maybe considering to perhaps give writing a try again????? I was neck deep into Undertale -still am, I'm a shameless skeleton fucker and there's no cure for that shit- and its many AU's and somehow I had managed to avoid fandom wars again, so my brain started toying with words... The same way it worked with novels: I got myself into the fics other people wrote (this is so much easier to do with x Reader fics, and I'm so happy about that and the massive boom they had just when Undertale came out, you can't even understand it).

So I kept doing my shit and daydreaming about skeletons and ribs and ecto-stuff for a very long time. It was kinda reassuring and nice to see other writers projecting on their x Readers so much because that's what I had done before.

And then Good Omens happened.

As I've said before, I actually discovered Gomens back in 2012 and it is, to the date, the worst translation to Spanish I've seen in my entire life to this date. And, despite it, I fell in love with it.

Now, barely in 2019, my dad gets Amazon Prime and the first thing he fucking sees is the font of Gomens on the screen. I had fangirled hard about Gomens in book version, so much and so annoyingly that I wouldn't leave my dad alone until he gave it a chance. It's the only book my father hasn't finished because the translation is that bad. He hates it.

Yet.

The particular font they use for the show is the same from the book's title. My dad of course recognized it immediately and knew I would want in on the news.

I confess I watched Gomens the show at least seven times before giving it a break because I liked it so much and the novel was so fucking good and it's honest to God the best adaptation I've ever seen to the screen. It's so good I'm fucking sure I was crying actual tears after watching it for the first time because my dreams and all the feelings that book had given me over the years and the many re-reads were "true" and so well done and it reached deep into my heart.

And then, for the first time in six years, my words came back.

Another thing Good Omens has given me, I have to say.

I don't know if I can stress this enough, but just imagine spending six years of radio silence, sending longing stares to the void and hoping to see something yours returning back, something you've lost and you're not sure you're getting back, something you think you don't need or want but that would be nice to have again. If only. You can live without that something, and no one but you cares about it, and it's not that big of a deal and-

Then you see a spark in the dark.

My words came back.

They weren't in Spanish, and it was hard to manage them at first, only being able to listen to them in short bursts over long periods of time.

But they were my words and they were back.

Writing is still hard, and I have a lot of work to do to improve my skills, to get them not only back but to refine them because I'm not writing in my native language and all I know is what I've learnt from other authors and their knowledge. I project a lot on my projects -I don't intend to stop because it's such a relief, the biggest scape from reality I get by doing so; it helps me deal with my problems, it gives me a break and a way to take a breath when I can't keep going...

Fanfics are where I can say what I want to say to the world in the most honest way, and that allows me to be me, and to express myself and indulge in the fantasies I dream about without having to force myself to think of them over and over and over. I can just sit back and enjoy content I know I like without being judged for it.

I can fucking make that content, too.

Writing feels like home, even if sometimes I still struggle, if I can't find my words or the expression is not quite like that in English, or if I can't find the words or if I'm suffering a block... because there's nothing scarier and more free than a blank page ready to be written.

[inkywhip]

I finally relistened to "You're gonna go far kid" by The Offspring after YEARS ane I honestly wanna cry 😭

It brings me such nostalgia like aaaah! Lemme just cry real quick from happiness cos I couldn't be more happy right now 😭

I honestly can remember how I first found the song. It was probably 6 years ago!! I was just searching some songs on YouTube and this one poped up and oh my god I fell in love with it!! I loved it so much even though I didn't understand english back then! All I understood was "You're gonna go far kid" and that was enough to motivate me for the rest of my life 😭!!

I also remember we had to do a school project about song genres and I picked this song as an example. But the strickt rule was there couldn't be no swearing 😂 and cos I didn't know english very well I over heard the "dance fucker dance" part. I was like.. 8 years old? So when I found out they swear in it I was just like "Okay dude jesus calm down!" and I had to pick a different song 😂

I have no clue why I stopped listening to it but I'm glad I did cos I don't wanna get bored of this song EVER!! It's so weird to think that I haven't listened to it even ONCE after that! Like oh my god how could I forget about it for so long!?

Aah good times 😭💚💕

[hothornymetalkinkygirl]

Chapter One ~ That day.

(Seriously why do I have to be paired with the Hydra project, why does Steve punish me like that)

   This was on Anne's mind as she left the briefing room and went to her room to get ready for the mission, but her mind went back to that day when everything changed for her.

It's been almost two years since the death of her husband, since she became a single mother and since she got her powers.

The day started like any other, her husband woke up early to go to work and then an hour later she got up to wake up her daughter Bianca so she could get ready for school. That day her husband got out of work early so they could pick Bianca up so they can start the summer vacation early. She should have known that something was about to happen because since the week before she noticed a guy had been hanging next to the coffee shop where she worked that was in front of the school, who she never saw before and was almost always just looking at her but she didn't think much of it.

When they reached school, they parked the SUV right in front of the school and got off, that when all hell broke loose, a car exploded on the far end of the parking lot then half a dozen of men came out of nowhere towards them, her husband pushed her to the floor and started to fight them single-handedly. She had her face in her knees and her ears covered until she heard a gunshot and felt and saw her husband fall next to her, all of the sudden one of them grabbed her by the hair and brought his face close to hers “Looky here, she's a pretty one, shame that we have to kill her” before anyone could do anything, the guy that was holding her was thrown back, looking down to her hands she saw that they were on fire “Wait… what the fuck… how” as she was questioning what had happened the other men started to go after her “Get her, she's the one who the doctor needs” but before anyone could get their hands on her, they fell to the ground dead. “What the fuck…” she turned around and saw a red-haired woman lowering her guns as she walked towards her “Those fuckers were too easy” “Language Natasha, we are at a school” Anne turned around to face that man who spoke and saw that it was Captain America, by then her hands were no longer on fire fell to the floor and hugged her husband, trying to wake him up but she knows deep down that he is already gone.

It took a while for Steve and Natasha to get her and her daughter away from the scene, by the time they reached her house she was exhausted. Bianca was asleep in her room, tired from crying so much. “W-what will happen to us now” she whispered not even bothering to look at them just looking into the chimney in the living room. “For now we will stay here until we can contact Shield and tell them what happened and they will protect your family” “Fine” and with that she gets up and goes to the spare bedroom and gets everything ready for them, even though Steve told her no but she just didn’t listen to him and after that she went to her room and passed out on the bed.

She woke up at dawn with her daughter crawling into bed with her, without opening her eyes she hugged her daughter and the both of them went back to sleep. They awoke to a noise in the kitchen, slowly they got up and when they reached they saw that Steve was making scrambled eggs with bacon while Nat was making coffee for everyone. “Morning ladies” Steve said when he saw the both of you come in and take a seat on the stools “I hope it's ok that we made breakfast” “Yeah, sure no problem” she whispered, she tried to best to be strong for her daughter but a tear ran down her cheek and that is when Steve said “Uh… why are the spoons floating..” she looked up and saw then spoons from the sink were indeed floating and then Nat said to look at Bianca and that is when Anne quickly look at her daughter and saw that she was staring at the sink and after a while she snapped out of it and look and everyone. “Ok Steve, I think that we need to call one more person” “Yeah...I’ll be back” quickly turning off the stove he goes to the porch while taking out his phone from his pocket and quickly dialing.

After breakfast, It was decided that before going to the tower, all of them will be going to visit Professor Xavier and that her family will be protected by Shield. As they were packing their bags, Anne took off her heart-shaped necklace that her husband gave her birthday last year and put it on Bianca “Remember that I will always love you” Bianca just nodded and before she started to cry Anne just gave her a big hug. It was a different story for her as she packed, she knew that her mother will move in tomorrow so as she was writing a note for her she had a tear run down her cheek when wrote that she wanted all of her husband’s stuff donated.

As she was finished packing Nat came to her room “Hey, how are you holding up” “I’m fine… it just…” she couldn’t finish talking because her voice began to break, she didn’t notice that Natasha was close until she was hugging her. They stayed like that for a bit until Steve walked in and cleared his throat “Don’t worry, everything will be fine….I’ll get your bags” Steve said as she was going for her bags.

She turned around and looked at her house one more time before getting on the quinjet, took a deep breath and turned and got on.

[vanilla107]

Golden Hour

HELLO EVERYONE!

GUESS WHAT? I FELL INTO ANOTHER FANDOM. YAY. It was the Life is Strange game that made me freaking weep my eyes out and I played it while my exams are three weeks away (it was such a horrible idea but I have no regrets).  This fanfic is in honour of the Life is Strange week! Day 2: Favourite ship: Pricefield. A huge thank you to @max-cauliflower for hosting this week! I wasn’t sure if there would still be any fans because I played the game recently but I was wrong! Thank you!

Like a dumbass, I got the days mixed up thinking that the week only started on Monday and not on Sunday, so I still need to do my favourite character but here's my contribution for now! I hope you all like it! (Remember comments and kudos keep my fire going so if you want to see more leave a comment!)

Stay healthy! vanilla107 xoxo

Read on AO3

Summary: Max Caulfield is exhausted after a long day and arriving back home is always the best medicine.

Especially if that medicine is her gorgeous blue-haired girlfriend.

Max Caulfield sighed heavily as she unlocked her apartment door and walked in. She put down her camera on the hall stand and stretched, her aching muscles finally finding relief. She immediately took off her black kitten heels and walked to the bedroom to change into more comfier clothes. She changed out of her formal wear and put on a pair of grey shorts and a pink graphic tee before walking to the kitchen.

It had been a long day of taking photos for her latest gallery showing, meeting up with a client who wanted a commission and finally meeting up for tea with Kate Marsh, a close friend from high school, and her latest project as she was in charge of taking photos for her bestselling children's’ books. The twenty-seven year old smiled as she remembered the good memories she had with Kate when they were together as she got a packet of biscuits from the cupboard. She arranged the biscuits on a plate and made a cup of tea.

While the kettle boiled she hummed one of the indie songs she had stuck in her head and once the water had boiled she prepared the tea and walked out of the kitchen. She walked into the tastefully decorated lounge area, a palette of cream and dark reds, and spotted the person she had been looking forward to seeing ever since she left their apartment that morning. Chloe Price, her partner in crime and her girlfriend, was sitting at their dining table, her face screwed up in concentration, as she typed on her laptop.

After graduating from Blackwell at the age of twenty, she stuck around for a while, waitressing with Joyce around the Two Whales and occasionally visiting her parents back in Seattle. Max stayed because of Chloe. Chloe was never really the same after the storm. She seemed deep in thought at times, thought before she spoke (at least to Joyce, David and a few friends. Assholes still got a Chloe beat-down) and somehow cherished life a little more.

She still smoked, had the blue hair and piercings but she seemed a little happier. She visited Rachel’s grave every weekend and Max would accompany her to lay down flowers. Then Chloe would catch up Rachel on all the things she did that week. Max dd find it odd at first but she realised that Chloe was trying to find closure. Max found it strange that Chloe, who wanted to leave Arcadia Bay the second she got the opportunity, stayed longer than she had thought. Eventually the day came.

“Max, let’s go.”

Max didn’t need any more clarification because those words held depth and she just knew that they needed a new change of scenery.

Leaving Arcadia Bay at the age of twenty one, Max never thought Chloe would go back to her old science loving self. Max remembered how much Chloe loved science when they were younger and how she had been a straight A student but after William dying, her expulsion from Blackwell and Rachel going missing, it looked impossible. But after spending some time working at bars in Portland, Chloe had decided she wanted to study again and go into science.

Part of it was so that she didn’t have to rely on Max constantly to pay rent but the other part was for herself. She liked working at the bars because watching people get drunk was fun but she wanted to do something she loved, and her love was science. It had been a hectic few months with Chloe studying to get her school-leaving certificate.

Mr Wells, surprisingly enough, allowed her to write her final exams and Max couldn’t help but feel a burst of happiness when she saw her girlfriend with the certificate. Joyce was already balling her eyes out with David looking prouder than ever. Chloe then moved onto studying full time with the help of a scholarship (Max actually cried when they received the news) and after a few years, she was now part of a team of research scientists, working on different projects on environmental sustainability.

Her girlfriend donned a black blazer, which was now hanging behind her chair, a white shirt, matching black formal pants and high heeled boots. Max smiled a small smile because of the sharp contrast of Chloe’s light blue hair, her tattoos, piercings and her brash attitude with her work attire. Max remembered being a little worried about Chloe’s first day at work since she was working in such a huge corporation and looking professional was valued highly.

“Max, I will be fine. If they can’t see my intelligence through my tattoos and hair then this company is not worth it,” Chloe said as she buttoned up her shirt.

“But this job could change everything-”

“-Max. I know that you want the best but if I want to be happy, I want to do it my way.”

Max swallowed her worries and sighed, “I just...I don’t know…”

“Max, do you love me? For everything I am?”

The photographer’s eyes widened.

“Yes, you know that.”

“Do you want me to change?”

“No.”

“Do you think I should change for some company?”

Max hesitated and smiled.

“Hell no.”

Chloe had pressed a long kiss to her lips and Max felt her insides light up.

“Looks like we have our answer.”

She had gotten a few odd looks when she walked into the company building and she had been underestimated at her first meeting when a colleague of hers tried to humiliate her with his knowledge of sustainable energy. Chloe, controlling her temper, used her wit and debunked his whole presentation in front of the CEO. She had been assigned a new project immediately, which was a bit daunting being thrown into the deep end so quickly, but Chloe came back home that day with a smile on her face and a week later she had been promoted. Chloe had been working for them for a few months now.

Max knew that Chloe had had a meeting that morning and judging from Chloe’s facial expression, she was getting frustrated. Chloe sighed heavily and closed the laptop. That was when Max walked over and offered her tea and biscuits.

“Max, can you believe that there are people out in the world who think climate change doesn’t exist?” Chloe murmured as she blew her tea and took an eager sip.

“Let me guess, Mr. Conners and Miss Gillin?” Max asked as she gently touched Chloe’s cheek.

“The same fuckers,” Chloe groaned and took a long sip of her tea. “I don’t know why they want to invest in a project that freaking prevents climate change when they don’t even believe in it! It’s bullshit! I mean hello? I swear I don’t see why the company doesn’t fire them!”

“Hey, you’re gonna burn yourself if you drink too fast!” Max warned and Chloe gave her an infamous ‘Chloe’ grin.

“Live life on the edge, Super Max. Now, please drag me away from my laptop before I send a very strongly worded email to Conners and Gillin explaining that they’re fucking idiots and probably got their degrees through cheating.”

Max laughed and lead Chloe away from the desk and they collapsed onto the leather couch. Even though Chloe was the taller one in their relationship, Max liked wrapping her body around Chloe. It made her feel solid and almost acted like an anchor because as long as Chloe was in her arms, nothing could take Chloe away from her.

Max cradled her girlfriend's body and gently ran her fingers through her hair. Chloe’s body instantly relaxed and shifted her body so that not all of her weight was pressing onto Max. Chloe closed her eyes and savoured the moment, the smell of softness and warmth enveloping her. She heard Max’s breathing relax and she could tell that she had fallen asleep. Chloe smiled as she listened to the slow heartbeat.

***************************************************

Max had woken up a few minutes later to find her girlfriend facing her and stroking her cheek with the goofiest smile on her face. Their apartment was had floor to ceiling windows, making the rays of the setting sun cast a golden glow on them. Chloe looked like an angel in the light, her blue eyes radiating and her skin glowing.

“Max?”

“Yeah?”

“This is called Golden Hour right?”

Chloe smiled and nodded before giving Chloe the softest kiss on the nose.

“It’s...wow…I mean it feels like something magical is supposed to happen.”

Max sighed in content and brushed a stray hair from her face.

“Chloe?” Max whispered.

“Hmmm?” Chloe hummed as she looked at the sunset.

“I love you.”

Chloe chuckled but the blush was undeniable as she turned to face her. “I’d be worried if you didn’t, Max....I love you too which is why....”

Chloe sat up straight and retrieved an object from her pocket. Max raised an eyebrow curiously and propped herself up to make herself comfortable. Chloe opened up the velvet box to reveal a glittering silver ring.

“Max Caulfield, will you do me the honour of being my partner in crime and in time for the rest of my life?”

Max felt her hands fly up to her face and she covered her mouth in shock. She stared at the ring and felt tears in her eyes.

Was Chloe being real?

“Babe, please don’t cry,” Chloe smiled and wiped away the tears.

“It’s not you-” Max tried to explain but burst into tears and Chloe was a little taken aback.

Dammit! I know the love of your life can cry when proposed to but full on sobbing? Is that normal?

“Max...if you’re not ready…”

“No! It’s not that!” Max yelled but she grasped Chloe’s hands tightly and tried to calm down.

“I just...Chloe when I...when I first got my rewind powers...you kept dying...and...and there were times when I thought, ‘Damn am I just supposed to loose my best friend in every reality? That can’t be? It’s too fucking unfair.’”

Chloe embraced the trembling photographer and rubbed her back soothingly.

“I tried so hard to save you and...and...when I had to choose between you and Arcadia Bay I...I felt so selfish at first because people did die. But I needed you and I didn’t want to lose you ever again.”

 Max took in a deep breath.

 “Which is why I wanted to get out of Arcadia Bay so badly after the storm. I couldn’t handle anymore close calls and damn I was pissed at you for wanting to stay longer but....but I understood your reasons. You needed closure with Rachel and Nathan and I just...I just couldn’t lose you again. I...I didn’t think this day would ever happen,” Max swallowed and watched Chloe take the ring out of the box and slip it on her left hand.

“Well, it’s happening now Super Max….but you haven’t answered my question. Be my partner in crime and in time for the rest of our lives, forever and always?” Chloe sniffed as she looked at the ring and smiled through the tears.

“Yes. Yes, it would make me the happiest girl alive to be your partner in time and in crime for the rest of my life. I love you Chloe Price.”

[thekidultlife]

Reverence + high-school!seungcheol

Of all the four seasons, you’ve always liked it when fall comes around. Especially when you get to wake up early on the first day all the leaves fell, red, green, gold, and all colors between them. And, now, walking on a sidewalk covered with the glorious carpet of fall, you smile as the leaves got into your hair and got crunched by your boots. This is one fine day, you said to yourself, smiling, as you skipped along and relished the sound and the smell of leaves and the sun.

You found yourself imagining the scent of your

favorite brew, of beef stew and salted seafood. You found yourself imagining festivals and bright lights, and you thought of school and the project you were making. Then your phone vibrated, and you knew that your one fine day was not going to be fine anymore.

SIX: Hey, it’s me. Can we talk? I’m at the rooftop.

You closed your eyes and breathed deeply. What is it, this time? Whenever your boyfriend sends you messages like this, he either needs help for homework or wants to—

“I caught the first leaf that fell from our tree this morning,” a deep, bright voice said from behind you, breaking your reverie. You spun around and all the gloomy thoughts that Six sent with his message melted away. You smiled brightly at Seungcheol, who was holding out a beautiful red maple leaf.

“Seungcheollie,” you gushed as he tenderly placed the leaf on your palm. “This is so perfect!” “I made it a point to wake up early to wait for that leaf to fall,” he said nonchalantly, his beautiful large eyes gleaming and his smile infectious. “I almost gave up, but I caught the first leaf.”

He was talking about the first leaf that fell on the maple tree you’d planted when you were both nine years old, at the playground just across the street where you lived next door to each other. The whole planting thing had been an inside joke and a secret at the same time, because you and Cheol had only dumped some seeds one day while playing house but you guys never actually expected the tree to grow. But it did, and it got its own uniqueness, too: it was the last tree to ever shed leaves, come fall. The people in your neighborhood have noticed this, and they’ve always wondered how a maple tree grew in such a small patch of soil right in the middle of a cemented playground, but there you go.

You didn’t know how Seungcheol did that, but he always caught the first one. You had no cause to disbelieve him; you’ve seen him do it three years ago, when it was nighttime and you both were sitting on the rusty swing set facing the maple tree. He was talking about going to college and becoming a teacher, and you were looking at the way the streetlamp was illuminating his deep black hair and you were so engrossed with the mole on his cheek. You remembered thinking that you hadn’t noticed that mole before when Cheol’s eyes suddenly lighted up and he quickly went under the maple tree just in time to see it shed its first leaf, which was followed by a cascade of red and gold beauty. In one swift motion, he caught the leaf, and turned to you with his face shining with delight.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said now, tugging at your arm, “we should make our wishes.” Seungcheol tucked your hand in his and you both walked towards nowhere in particular, enjoying the swirling of the leaves around your feet.

You and Seungcheol have always made it a point to make two wishes each on the first day the leaves fell. One wish was to be spoken aloud; the other was to be spoken by the heart.

And you both did it again, as the leaves danced softly on the sidewalk.

You looked sideways at your best friend since you were six, and you made the first wish. “I wish,” you declared, “that Seungcheol would go with me to Seoul so that we could still be together.”

Seungcheol’s eyes widened, and he tackled you in a bear hug. “Y/N! Don’t tell me—”

“—Yep,” you said smugly, holding up the letter of approval you’ve received from your dream school. “I just got accepted! I’ll be continuing my senior year there, Seungcheollie!”

“You’re so amazing!” Seungcheol laughed with glee as he snatched the letter from your hand. His face scrunched up as he read the contents. “Wow. You’re getting a full scholarship all the way to college.” He looked at you with endearing eyes and gave a big thumbs-up. “I’m so proud of you.”

You elbowed him. “But you have to follow me there, you hear? I’m not going anywhere without you.” For a few magical heartbeats, Seungcheol just stared at you with an unreadable expression, the smile he had on his lips faltering for a fraction of a second.

Don’t look at me like that, you heart pleaded. Please don’t look at me like that.

But Cheol always does.

He has this way of looking at you like you were some sort of person to look up to, a girl to be revered, to be worshipped, adored. He always looks at you this way. You never did anything that special to make him so attentive, so doe-eyed frozen looking at you like you were all he sees.

Six never looked at me like this. And you had this tiny part of your heart that wished you could be something more, but you knew Six well enough to expect as such.

In order not to get flustered with the way Cheol was gazing, you continued, rather hastily, to speak. “Fulfill my wish, will you? You know I’ve always been the scared one when it comes to trying out new things and going to new places.”

Seungcheol recovered long enough to laugh again, shaking his head, as if trying to shake off the look he was giving you moments ago. “Yeah, sure. My turn!” He looked at you and said aloud, “Please let Y/N and I fulfill our dreams together just as we planned!”

You grinned up at him and held out your hand. “BFFs for life, eh?”

He grinned back, but his eyes didn’t follow his smile, and as you looked back at this moment later on, you couldn’t help but wonder why. “Of course. Best friends. For life.”

He said the words so softly, like a whisper, but it pierced through your heart so deeply that for a moment you were unable to return his smile. Then you caught yourself, and you nodded, smiling brightly for him. You honestly didn’t know what was wrong with you two, because lately, everything’s been too mushy between you and him. But you sort of didn’t think much about it; if anything, it just made the both of you closer.

At exactly that point, your phone rang. Hands shaking, you answered it.

“Six?”

…

As far as Seungcheol was concerned, Six was a sleazeball and a jerk all rolled into one pathetic human being. And even before you had been acquainted with the asshole, he’d been irked by the guy. Something about Six just rubbed Seungcheol the wrong way.

It probably started when Six began lording all over the campus with his good looks and playboy charm. But he found that he hated Six more when Six started dating you.

“That guy’s no good for you, Y/N,” he had said, scowling as you pulled your hair up in a ponytail and primped up for your first date. “I really don’t like the idea that you’re dating him.”

“Oh, please,” you had said as you put on some makeup. “I hated Seol, too, when you first started dating her. You’ll get over this best friend touchiness and love Six once you get to know him.”

But that day hasn’t come yet, and Seungcheol doubted that it would come anytime soon. He hated the fact that you hadn’t listened to him.

“I thought you were gonna break up with Six when he started playing around with Eunbi,” Seungcheol said as he followed you onto the rooftop where you said Six was

waiting.

“I thought you were gonna break up with Seol when she started playing around with a lot of men,” you spat back as you went up the steps. Then you stopped going up and turned around to face Cheol. “Look, you didn’t have to come here with me.”

And now, he was even more pissed off that you’d gone home crying. Again.

He knew this was Breakup No. 7, with the Crying Encore that left him feeling even more of a jerk than your ex.

He shouldn’t have left you all by yourself. He should’ve waited for you, because he knew this would end badly. He was cursing himself as he bounded up the stairs to the condo unit where Six the Sonofabitch was staying.

He pounded on the front door, shouting out Six’s name.

And when Six opened the door, Cheol couldn’t help it. He knocked him down, relishing the moment when his fist made contact with the sonofabitch’s sorry little nose. The Crying Encore was forgotten; the crunch of Six’s nose was enough to send Cheol singing “hallelujah”.

He got a little more angry, though, when Girlfriend No. 2 came running out of the bedroom door wearing nothing but a thong. Cheol furiously pointed at the door. The girl left, half-naked, screaming.

“I don’t know why you had to fucking mess with Y/N’s head every fucking time, but I’m done watching you, you motherfucker,” Seungcheol fumed, his eyes flaring up with an intense anger. “And I don’t care about the cops taking me in for the night. I’d do this all over again if I had to.”

“You sonofa—” Six sputtered out, holding his broken nose. “You were one of the reasons she and I don't work out. You always had to butt in on our—”

“—she’s the most important person in my life,” Seungcheol swore, “and I’d fucking kill you if you ever come near her again. You made her cry for how many shit-days, you moron. That will not happen again.”

“I always knew you weren’t serious about Seol,” Six taunted. “I’m gonna make fucking sure—”

“—oh, spare me your threats.” Seungcheol slammed his foot down on Six’s stomach, and Six screamed with pain. “Don’t ever come close to Y/N again. Know your place, you little shit. You don’t deserve her.”

“And neither do you, fucker,” Six growled, his eyes daring Cheol to say otherwise.

But Cheol just smiled sadly.

“I know.”

- Admin Leanne

Send us a word + an AU + a member!

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story - PART 91

I had two kinds of days that spring. I had days where I wanted to die, and I had days where I wanted to live more than I ever had. I was living in two separate realities, and when these realities hit my days were bad. The good days were subdivided into two. Days I followed around Sarah and Zack, trying in vein to make sense of the inexplicable rage/sadness – and oddly freeing feeling of being made new again, and the days I spent at home alone feeling justifiably individuated and independent for the first time in my life.

I spent time with Sarah and Zack – emotionally gauging my reaction to their relationship. This whole thing, it all went down so fast. I never had a chance to grab onto anything. I just fell. Seeing Zack and Sarah together was absolutely mind boggling. And I couldn't tell how I felt about this whole matter I couldn't decide if I loved or hate them both. I don't know that my mind had time yet to process all that had happened. I couldn't make sense of what had gone wrong. I couldn't tell if I deserved it or not. Part of me thought so, part of me thought not. Another part of me saw it as fate, and yet another side of me saw it as some random cruel joke.

With Sarah, it stung. I seriously wondered sometimes if I hated Sarah – there was some part of me that wanted to break her bones, pull her hair. She had betrayed me. Besides Rachelle, my childhood friend and maybe my younger sister Allison, Sarah had been one of the only people I really had ever bonded with. And she had been a good friend. I couldn't ignore that. I was so confused. I pondered on the idea that maybe I was jealous. But when it came down to it, I no longer wanted Zack around me all that much. He didn't seem like a prize anymore. I cared about him – but at a safe distance and the care was becoming more of a pity care – a care that I manufactured because I was too ashamed to face the fact that I had harbored and put so much love and affections and poetic ideals towards a person who might well have been one of the dumbest assholes I had ever met in my life. I had to find some way to redeem him, and more importantly redeem Sarah.

It was strange to think about Sarah and what she had done and then actually see her in person – I couldn't comprehend that my best most closest person was being nice to me – albeit in this spineless self deprecating phony guilt ridden way – and at the same time she had stabbed me to get what she wanted. She didn't even wait to think about it. Not for her own sake and much less for mine. It was hard t believe at times that someone who had done something awful to me was also someone who made a great effort to make me happy and had actually extended her time and efforts so tirelessly those last two years to rise me up – only to do something that forever would in some way – knock down a part of me permanently. Aside from all my anger and hurt – I was beginning to lose faith in her. I didn't know if I really wanted or appreciated her friendship anymore – and that was a frightening thought. If I didn't want her friendship anymore, then I was alone in the universe wasn't I? Not that I had ever not been alone in the universe, but now it seemed all too real. The universe within and without were void of friends I could count on. I was on my own now. Everything was up in the air.

I proceeded with my life by first telling Zack how I had felt all those years between high school and now – it was too late and it probably didn't matter. But this was my way of burying this fucker for good and all. It wasn't for him. It was for me. It was something I had never been brave enough to do – never in a million years could I have envisioned myself telling him that I had been in love with him and I cared about him deeply. But I did it. Separate from Sarah, I looked him in the face and told him the truth. And what was there to lose? Life was too short to hold onto these thing anymore. And I wasn't doing this to get him back – my feelings were mixed but I was mostly sure that I didn't want him at all. There was some deep ingrained part of me that wanted to take him from Sarah, but what in the end would that do? It would actually make Sarah feel better about herself. I think a part of her wanted that to happen. No, she needed to be with Zack. She needed to look at her decision when she woke up in the morning. I was on my own, and she was on her own.

I had no intentions of doing this for any reason other than I felt like, to grow past all of this I had to find closure – and closure meant being perfectly honest. Not pretending I had some kind of ace, or hiding away hoping for some second opportunity. I was willing to be vulnerably honest with everyone in a way they had all been too chicken to be towards me. Because the trauma of this entire ordeal had ripped the skin off my back anyway. I already was vulnerable. I was more vulnerable than I had ever remembered being. It was frightening – but I wasn't going to waste the pain. If I was to lose what little boundaries I had built, then the world was going to see me for what I was and I was going to gallantly explore and reveal what most people in the world of people are too afraid to explore and reveal about themselves.

This would end once and for all the chapter of my life. Everything was out in the open. There were no more secrets floating around. I was honest with myself. In order to properly get alone with Zack to tell him the truth – a truth he didn't want to hear, we took one last drive alone. We stopped outside of the Safeway parking lot that overlooked the city of Lewiston and the rivers and hills beyond. The sky was gray. He looked down and said nothing for most of it. I could tell it was inconvenient and it made him uncomfortable, but I didn't care anymore. I explained the day my father had beaten me up for finding out that I had hung around him and Jason, when Jason was still around. It made him uncomfortable to hear any of it, and I noted that any reminded that I had some kind of will of my own made him uncomfortable. I took note that this was a great weakness. He had no problems dulling out all kinds of religious mumbo at me, or talking about my purpose, but as soon as I took my purpose into my own hands he could barely stand it. I remember realizing with clarity in that situation that this was not the kind of person I wanted to be with. I wanted to be able to be open and honest and unashamed. Zack would never have been good for me, even in the most ideal of situations

It was a turning point for me, not holding things in anymore, as I had been raised to do. Silently, I had grown up in a household, a school and a community, and really honestly a society that had robbed me of a voice. I had always second guessed myself, and always been somewhat ashamed when I didn't agree with people. It didn't stop me from doing it, but I always felt like I had to hide my thoughts away from people. This was me fighting against those impulses I had in myself that had been driven into my head. Life was an essence, time was short. There was no reason for me to waste time feeling shame based on the discomfort other people had with themselves that they projected onto me. I no longer cared or felt the need to reserve or hide anything.

I was curious about Zack's relationship to drugs. It had always been some part of his life, a rather big part. In school it had seemed almost Romantic from my limited school girl perspective. And now, I was beginning to see another side of that drug use. He was an addict, and it pretty much went hand in hand with all his other bad characteristics. Sarah seemed to tell herself stuff about Zack, but I notice she rarely asked him questions – she didn't want to know. She wanted so badly to blindly fall into this relationship knowing that her essence was enough to save Zack from his addictions. Sarah was a fool about drugs. She didn't understand what an addiction really was. She just wanted to be the angel that Zack had made her out to be so badly she refused to understand it anymore than that.  

So while we were in the parking lot, after I had told Zack my final feelings, I started to ask Zack questions pertaining  how he was going to honor his relationship. Was he going to step up now that he had Sarah? Because he had been living like a bum for the last six years. I coaxed him into talking more openly about his love for drugs – and this was what I really wanted to understand. I wanted him to feel comfortable telling me about the things he probably wasn't going to say to Sarah. I asked him questions, and it wasn't hard to peak his interest in talking about it. When I talk about drugs with him, his eyes lit up, and his voice took on this weird loving tone. I knew he wasn't done with drugs, but this gave me a very good understanding that he wasn't even close to done. His eyes lit up brighter than they ever did for anyone or anything else, music, Sarah, cars, food, sleep.

Zack's one true love in life was meth and I knew it was going to hurt when Sarah finally realized that fully – he would never change for her. You could never really love Zack in a way. He could never be owned. He was destructive by nature. Even if he had been clean he would have been destructive and ignorant of himself. I asked him about the first time he ever got stoned. It was probably one of the clearest and most concise conversations I ever had with Zack. Our understanding of one another was at it's most clear. He smiled and looked into the distance. And then he told me this story about being ten or eleven. He had spent the evening skiing on a mountain with a cousin of his in Minnesota who was much older. His cousin had thought it would be cool to get Zack stoned to see what he would do. Zack explained in great detail all the fun it had been – how it had transformed his world and became all he cared about. By talking about it, I could tell he was reliving the details with fondness. He had never been so happy in his life. And he in all honesty had never turned his back from drugs again. From then on, he defined himself with the drugs.

The love Zack had for this memory was compelling enough for me upon reflection to assess that Zack might very well die of an overdose of some kind – he probably wouldn't even care. Right now, he hoped Sarah could somehow be a drug that would replace the other drugs. But I knew it wouldn't last. He was already losing interest. Zack wasn't really meant for this life. He couldn't handle the structure of things – in a very fundamental way. Perhaps as a teenager it had made him seem Dionysian and real in our limited structures that we both suffered through in school. But outside of that, he had no ability to make anything of himself or care about anyone but himself. He had no interest in anything life had to offer, he was against the consistency of even having friends. He was a drifter with no hope. He honestly only cared about being high – and having the kinds of religious epiphanies he felt he could extract from his drug use.

He had no morals either, outside of someone taking his drugs away from him or preventing him from using – he had no real care for anyone or anything else, and it was funny how he talked about love because for all his talk, I don't think he understood anything about self sacrifice. Love to him was his ability to be given what he wanted from other people with ease. He seemed to have no real understanding of love, and though he felt close to some people on some level I doubt he loved anyone. Not Sarah, his mother or father or sister – or some potential future version of himself that he had to live up to. He couldn't even comprehend what it meant to be someone like me who had to fight and earn my sanity and my body and my minuscule place in the world. He didn't idealize or work towards goals. Many things had been given to him. If he shaped up – Zack could be very handsome and people wanted to be around him. He was gifted in music and mechanical skill. People naturally liked Zack even though he had nothing to offer – people would give him things just for existing. Had he wanted to go to college, he could have. His family had a lot of money.

He couldn't put himself in my shoes and to give him credit, he in all honesty never understood me. I had liked to fantasize at one time that he did understand me, but that was a complete fantasy I had drummed up in order to not feel alone. It wasn't a lie that Zack and I had shared a connection when we were kids. But it hadn't been the ongoing thing that I had thought it did. I had almost turned him into some kind of romantic literary icon.  Even with the shock of his return – which understandably had sent me for a loop, it didn't mean things were going to go the way I had fantasized. Whatever that meant, it was beyond my understanding of why Zack arrived at my door. I will never understand why the universe saw fit to put him before me, or if it was me who did it or just one of those things that happens and there was never a rhyme or reason for. It didn't matter anymore because I didn't want to be a part of this story anymore. I was assessing my situation, and then I wanted to scram.

Sarah I could tell felt funny about me being so honest now – it was in contrast to her deceitfulness. It's like she wanted me to be honest – hoping that this was a sign that all was well and good now. That this was somehow her and Zack's doing. She had internalized her guilt and I feel she was rather in denial of what she was day to day getting herself deeper and deeper into. She didn't want to think – she wanted to experience her new relationship and pretend she was free from any sort of outcome from her bad choices. She wanted to believe there was magic at the end that would surely protect her from anything that was coming her way. This ignorance in her eyes when she felt this way was startling. I was suffering immensely and somehow she was under some false illusion that her decisions wouldn't come back to haunt her.

She was mixed up, and I the more I studied her, the more pathetic and confused she seemed. She almost seemed mentally ill. Maybe she had been this way for a long time. It was all compartmentalized in some safe inside her mind. The safe was now broken. She had made her bed, and she wasn't liking it, but she didn't know how to get out and wanted to believe it was the best bed in the world. Her voice had changed. Even her posture had changed. She slouched both like someone insecure and someone sly, and wouldn't look me in the eye directly when I spoke to her, which was very unlike her normal intense eye contact she was well known for. It felt like she was either trying to puff herself up to being more certain of herself than she actually was, or she was trying to slink around everyone like she knew she was some kind of conman. In either case, she wasn't there for me and probably wasn't a real friend of mine anymore even when both she and I were in denial of that fact – she and Zack spoke the big talk about my well being as long as I stuck around them, and at times I tried to believe it all.

But she was gone. I wanted her to be there sometimes though at night when it all hit me and I started to weep and fall apart. I desperately wanted my old friend back – there was nobody I wanted more. I didn't want this version of her around me – even when I thought I did. I would have given anything in the world to talk to the Sarah from before – it was like that person had died. The Sarah who had not sold me short to Zack. I needed her. I'd never felt so alone in my entire life and I felt like everyone around me was mad because they were confused or they were some kind of potential threat to me personally, or both. That Sarah would have listened to me – might even had grabbed the new Sarah by the scruff and put her in her place. The one who used to stay in Shari's till three in the morning with me talking about our independence and our future and our reason for doing anything. That Sarah was not afraid of me and would not have betrayed me. I was waiting for that girl to come back/ She would have been disgusted by this Sarah. And yet, she was she. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that.

My still choosing to be around Sarah and Zack was something that everyone in my life was confused by. It seemed unnatural and self deprecating on my end. Some of it was because I was in denial. I just couldn't really grasp this stuff. I was curious to see what Sarah and Zack did to each other. I wanted to be the fly in the room. And on occasion, I wanted to attempt to find my place in this mess and to still be their friend – even when that friendship was not being reciprocated. Plus, I didn't know what else to do. I was still unemployed, still living with my mother.

The second reason was there was actually a growing concern I was beginning to have for Sarah. Was she really okay? I began to not trust Zack with her. I didn't know Sarah was this dumb, so what was she doing? And even though I knew Sarah had second hand experience to this sort of insanity, she wasn't really accustomed to someone like Zack. Zack didn't abide by any kind of structure. He was too simplistic at times to be functional and too destructive and short term to care about anything lasting. Her need to be needed would be fruitless. He would rip apart any sort of structure she tried to impose for their relationship – he would do it thoughtlessly and he was much stronger than her. He would eventually break her. It would be nothing short of a miracle if this didn't happen.

I stood somewhere in the middle of both of their mannerisms, structure vs. disorder, and I could already see trouble between them – not in some cutesy fight kind of way of something like Zack wearing shoes in the house of something, but some fundamental existential crisis was on Sarah's horizon. Zack would rip her brain to pieces if she tried to give him structure. It was hard for me to take myself out of the picture most of the time, but when I did manage it, I would worry about karma coming to Sarah. She was fragile and she had severed her ties with me and her own selfhood. She would never be the same again or have the same kind of self assurance. Her talent was having a good vantage point, but in this case she had none. If karma was real, Sarah had made herself a target. Sometimes I would sense that there was going to be a reckoning for her betrayal. Sarah wasn't the kind of person who could get away with anything. Her family has a sort of curse to it. About thirty percent of the members of her extended family stretching three generations or more either develop schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. The rest of them had/have bad luck.

Haynes's are excellent at fixing doors and building stuff because they can always expect the worst. If a window can break, it will – so they build around the idea that it will break – and this measures up to everything in their life, right down to their core personalities. It eventually extended to thinking around things that were unpleasant or uncertain. The structure was in place so nothing broke, and therefore they Haynes rely solely on their ability to maintain a stable life structure. Their cars always have to be in top condition, they look for sturdy structural integrity in everything around them. So there a collective understanding has been instilled in the family to never let anything break and if this means not questioning certain aspects about themselves then that is how it works.

Sarah was true in her nature in this regard. At an early age I grew up accepting brokenness and teaching myself new ways of observing the brokenness so I didn't identify it as broken at all. When you grow up in a messy house you stop seeing it as messy and as an adult you might retain that arbitrary way of looking at dysfunction. Sure, you know the difference between a messy and clean home and you might like a clean one (I personally am bothered by a messy kitchen), but an unmade bed close up is like the Himalayas. It's not hurting you. In fact, it is it's own unique landscape. The mess builds into world and ideas – as long as you can dis attach yourself from the concept that it is bad.

I didn't always like Sarah's structured thinking it because it meant in some unsaid way that there was an element of never letting go or opening up, but I generally went along with her mannerisms and I learned to appreciate the benefits of it Sarah and her mother could walk around each other and skirt around personal subjects for years at a time. It bothered me, but they weren't my family and seemed fine with one another. There developed a sort of self-certainty that went unchallenged. And it bothered me too because life doesn't work that way – or at least the world I knew. The world is a pigsty. Nothing is organized. Germs win no matter how much you wash your hands. This isn't to say you should never sweep or wash your hands, but to bank on everything being neat and in order – the amount of psychological comfort that was gained or lost due to an imperfect world will create an inability to function when just about anything happens to you that wasn't supposed to, or when you mysteriously betray yourself and do something you didn't even know you would do because it was too unsettling to face that uncertainty in your own nature. It makes you brittle and vulnerable. I never saw the chaos of my upbringing as having any sort of benefit to it up to that point, but given Zack's arrival, I saw how Sarah fell into it. I saw her betraying herself and feeling confused and gross about herself and not knowing herself well enough to find clarity. Denial was the only thing that kept her from seeming unstable, and even that wasn't enough.

In the end though, I guess I never really could fault Sarah for being so structured. It was Sarah's caretaking nature, and her structure that literally helped me leave my house that I had intended to die in at an early age. If Sarah hadn't come into my life and worked tirelessly and selflessly to get me out of the house, to believe in myself again, to actually enjoy life again, teaching me to walk on my own two feet – to organize my work papers and get my social security card and talk me through step by step each seemingly hopeless situation of getting out into the world and making things happen for myself, I might never have gotten to where I was. Even though I was also losing my mind, I realized too that I felt all the most compelled to not go back in time. I wasn't going to give up on myself. I was going to keep losing weight, and growing as a person. I wasn't going to move back to my fathers or shut my thoughts off. I was going to experience this pain I was feeling.

As much as I wanted to fall apart after all this happened, I had to appreciate the fact that Sarah had gotten me to a point where I could manage, just barely – but at least get by on being somewhat independent. She had failed me in the end, but I was still where I needed to be because of her. I know that a lot of the stuff that happened came from myself too – like the weight loss, but I have to concede that I really could not have done it alone. Sarah's betrayal of me hurt because she had in a sense become like a surrogate parent – my only real friend, someone I held so close to my heart that I could be myself around – and we had up to this point almost seen one another as extensions of the other. It was why it sort of broke me when she betrayed me and it was why I still cared about her after it happened. There were no simple answers.  I still had to believe somewhere Sarah was still a kind person  - even if our friendship was broken, I had to love her unconditionally. Even when she had wronged me and I had moments when I wanted to snap her in half because she was being egotistical and underhanded and phony. And I was worried about what Zack would do to her. I wanted to look out for her, even if it meant taking that back seat role as the family pet for a time.

This brings me to the second reason I didn't give up and walk away – perhaps as a normal person might recommend. This mixed bag of feelings and realizations all coming upon me at once – all the contradictory feelings and human fallacies at play. Life was unrolling like theater. It opened doors in me that I barely understood myself – and I was learning so much about myself in the process. I felt crazy, but I also felt in the wake of feeling betrayed, jealous and worthless some kind of new beginning in me that was very clear. It involved being bold and following my heart, but also listening to my intuition and seeing warning signs, and being self aware of both the good and bad within myself. It's very rare in life where we can actually witness the wrong that is happening to you, or experience it in a prolonged setting. Most people avoid pain – particularly the pain of losing their best friend to the guy they thought they were in love with, and it's understandable. Many people would have found high moral ground to condemn the situation and close their eyes.

I wanted to have something to have, some insight into myself and into everyone around me that would inspire wisdom and growth. I felt I deserved out of this situation, at least that much – insight. I didn't want to leave without that insight. I lost a dear friend, a piece of my childhood, a romantic obsession. I was free to be anyone and pursue anything now and I had a clean slate to do just that. I was beholden onto no one, but when I looked back, most of all, I didn't want to feel bitter about what had happened, and that was at times very internally challenging for me. I wanted to know this situation I was in, and my place in it so much that it couldn't hurt anymore. I had to get my hands dirty in that process perhaps – and definitely trade a large quantity of my self esteem, and I had to put myself in situations of indignity in order to fully grasp what it was I was feeling for instance when I saw Sarah together. If I had to take something away from all of this, then I wanted to fully study and experience every aspect. Sarah and Zack probably didn't deserve to have me as a friend at this point, but they were too full of themselves and stupid off their own actions to really appreciate this one way or the other. If I left it wouldn't have made a difference to them their heads were so far up their asses.

And for some reason too, the idea of never talking to Sarah and Zack again felt like a personal defeat. It might have been a win if I had money. I could run away and start anew. But I didn't have that option. If I pushed Sarah away, I would have been stuck in the same place I always had been and that would have been even worse for me. Running would have made this entire thing seem like something I should have been ashamed of and I already promised myself to not live that way. Going for higher ground would have caused me to shut off what more I could now know about myself. I didn't want to reinterpret what was happening everyday before my very eyes in a way that made me feel better. I wanted to take in the contradictions of my own feelings and circumstances and I let the uncertainty settle in and feel the chaos and horror of it all.

And honestly, I was curious about the pain I was feeling when I saw them together.

It was intriguing to feel both repulsed, rejected, betrayed, relieved and jovial all at the same time. I tried to imagine how the both of them were feeling. It grossed me out because by bringing me with them wherever they went I almost felt like they both wanted me to be a part of their relationship in some fashion. It was like I was in some kind of relationship with their relationship. And too, I wanted to study what it actually meant to love something – if you should feel ownership over that thing or if you should merely accept that thing for what it is. I wanted to study their love so I could find something better. It did hurt. It created a curious twisting feeling in my chest at times. I wasn't going to look away however. It was funny, it was painful and it was intense and pathetic. It put the last seven years of my life in some immensely disturbing perspective. And I wanted to watch myself watching it all happen. In the end i guess, i am a sucker for pain and tragedy. I wanted to have the front row seat for my own heartbreak.

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-80 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far). 

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[folklore-musings]

Camera Shy (Part Three)

Summary:  AU. Jughead is an aspiring photographer. His final project requires him to shoot nude photos of someone who inspires him. With no one else to ask Jughead asks Betty. Insecure of her body Betty is quick to shoot the idea down, until Jughead reminds her that she owes him. - Bughead leading to eventual smut.

Part One     Part Two   

Read on AO3 here

As expected here is a new chapter! I’m so tired but it was so worth staying up for. Thank you so much for all the support and interest in this. Enjoy!

Betty wakes up to the sound of footsteps in the hall. She opens one eye and groans, wondering why she’s asleep on the couch instead of in her bed. Attempting to lift herself up she winces and lies back down. Her head is throbbing, and underneath her blanket she’s wearing nothing but her underwear.

“Good morning sunshine,” Jughead says, walking past the living room and into the kitchen. Betty hears him open the fridge, suddenly realizing just how dry her mouth is. Before she has the chance to ask, Jughead enters the living room and places a water bottle on the coffee table, along with a bottle of aspirin. “In case you need this.”

Betty smiles gratefully. When she reaches for the water the blanket shifts, exposing Betty’s chest and stomach. For a brief moment she’s embarrassed, but the memories of the night before resurface like a distant dream. The wine, the pictures, agreeing to do the photoshoot. She looks up at Jughead, who’s already retreating back into the kitchen. “Thank you,” she croaks, her lips are chapped and her mouth tastes like something died inside.  Begrudgingly, she makes herself get up. Wrapping the blanket around herself, she grabs her clothes from floor and heads into the bathroom.

She returns a few minutes later, dressed and feeling more like herself. She folds up the blanket and throws it over the back of the couch and joins Jughead in the kitchen.

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asks, digging into his leftover Chinese food, Lo Mein noodles dangling from his lips.

Betty glances at the clock, shocked she let herself sleep for so long. “Pop’s serves all day breakfast. And I’m craving some French toast.”

Jughead smiles and puts the Lo Mein back in the fridge. “Let me go grab my coat.” He reaches for the beanie he left on the counter the night before and shuffles into his wool lined jean jacket. The only time Betty ever sees Jughead rush is when he knows food is on the horizon. She smiles to herself and puts on her jacket and shoes, following Jughead out the door.

The walk to Pop’s is quick. Overnight another few inches of snow had fallen. What should be spring air is crisp and uninviting, but at least the snow subsided and the sun is shining. Thankfully, Pop’s isn’t too busy and they’re able to slip into their favorite corner booth.

“How did you sleep?” Jughead asks Betty as his eyes quickly scan the menu, already knowing what he’s going to order.

“Like a log.” Betty replies. Their waitress comes over and asks what they’d like to drink. “I’ll have a coffee and a glass of water please.” Jughead orders the same and returns to his menu.

“You fell asleep on the floor, you know. I picked you up and put you on the couch. You were out cold.” Jughead laughs, setting his menu aside, letting the waitress know he’s ready. Betty blushes, fully embarrassed by her crazy wine drinking ass. Jughead must think she’s nuts.

 Betty apologizes as the waitress walks over. Jughead orders the Country Boy breakfast, complete with 3 eggs, two pieces of toast, 4 slices of bacon or sausage links (Jughead opting for two of each) and a side hash browns lathered in butter and topped with grilled onions. The waitress surveys Jughead with wide eyes and thin lips, undoubtedly wondering the same thing as Betty. Where does the lanky dark haired boy put it all?

Betty settles for French toast with a side of fresh fruit, ordering an orange juice as well. “Someone’s thirsty,” Jughead notes, looking at her half empty mug of coffee and her empty glass of water.

“Just a little dehydrated.” Betty sighs. She hands over her menu to the waitress and sits back, impatiently waiting for her food.

She and Jughead make small talk, neither one mentioning the night before. Like kids, they flip over the paper placemats and play hangman and tic-tac-toe until their food arrives.

Betty’s stomach lurches, rumbling and grumbling when her French toast arrives. She unwraps her silverware and dabs some butter on the bread, before dousing the fluffy, powder sugared toast in maple syrup. Taking a bite she moans, savoring the sweet flavor on her tongue.

Halfway through the meal Jughead speaks up. “So I think we should leave the apartment around three, so I can set the studio up in time before our shoot.”

His comment catches her off guard. Betty swallows and takes a sip of her orange juice. “What? You booked the studio for this afternoon?” She looks down at her French toast, losing all the appetite she had for the abundance of sugary carbs and starts spearing the fruit in the bowl beside her.

“Yeah.”

“But how? I only agreed to this little plan last night.” The waitress comes by and fills Betty’s cup. Betty thanks her as walks away.

Jughead mumbles something under his breath, sounding a lot like “Fuck.” The heat rises in his cheeks and he opens his mouth to speak. “About that, I booked the studio two weeks ago. I’ve known about this assignment since the end of February. I’ve just been too chicken shit to ask you. That’s why I made it seem so important yesterday. I’ve been running out of time.”

Betty drops her fork, falling to the table with a clatter. She reaches for her newly refilled glass of water and twirls the straw around the edges. Her toe taps incessantly against the tiled floor, and she checks the time on her phone. She thought she’d have days to prepare, not hours. She had to go home, she had to shower, she had to shave. Her legs were furry creatures, hibernating in the winter weather and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d plucked her eyebrows. She’s starting to panic as her stomach clenches. Again, Jughead’s timing is always the worst.

“You couldn’t have told me this sooner?” Betty finally says, tugging on the neckline of her sweater uncomfortably.

Jughead shrugs sheepishly, refusing to meet her eyes. “I was afraid to ask. I’m sorry Betts.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts before speaking. “You’ll still do it, right? Because if not, at this point I’m going to have make this project a set of awkward, naked selfies.”

Betty laughs. “Now those I wouldn’t mind seeing.” She reaches for his hand across the table and caresses it gently. “I’ll still do the shoot Jug. But next time, please give me a warning at least a week in advance. I need to go home prepare.” Betty slips out of the booth, leaving Jughead to take care of the bill. “Oh, and please have her box up my French toast, I’m definitely finishing those later.”

Betty jogs home, hoping it will help burn a few of the calories she’d just consumed. The pavement is hard beneath her feet; all signs of ice from the day before melted away under the sun’s shining rays. When she reaches the apartment she’s short of breath and sweating. Hastily, she slips off her shoes and texts Ronnie.

Betty: The little fucker didn’t tell me the photoshoot was today. Help me get ready? I’m hopping in the shower now. Come by in a half hour?

Ronnie replies almost instantly.

Ronnie: Okay! You’ll be such a smoke show when I’m done with you!

Betty tosses her phone on the counter and heads for the shower, ignoring the coiling feeling in her stomach.

By the time Betty’s finished Jughead is already home. The clock on the wall in the hallway reads 1 o’clock. She has just a little over two hours for Ronnie to help doll her up. With a towel wrapped around her, Betty passes Jughead’s room on the way to her own. “You know you could just start walking around naked now.” Jughead calls through his open door.

Betty stops in her tracks and peers into his room. “You wish Jughead.”

“It’s not like I’ve never seen it before.”

She holds the towel tighter around her body. “What are you talking about?”

Jughead grins smugly. “Remember back in high school, when I lived with Archie for a few months?” Betty nods, already dreading where this is going. “Well Betts, you really should’ve kept your curtains closed more often.”

“What did you see?” She’s beginning to drip onto the wood.

“A lot of side boob. But don’t worry; it was very tasteful and pleasing to the eye. Fifteen year old me really appreciated it.”

Betty groans and stomps her feet the rest of the way to her room. Behind her back she retorts, “You know, I can still back out of this. It’s not like I’ve signed a contract.” She closes the door forcefully behind her. At least he was being honest.

To help her get ready Betty puts on some mood music to help her relax. She pulls on robe when she hears a knock on her door. “It’s open,” Betty says, reaching for her brush.

“Hey babe,” Ronnie waltzes in as if she owns the place. She turns up the stereo and grabs the brush from Betty. “I promise to make you beautiful Betty,” she says mimicking from Jughead’s voice. “He’s so gone for you, how can you be so blind?”

Betty rolls her eyes and winces as Ronnie drags the brush through her hair, showing now mercy. “You read too much into what Jughead says.”

“No, I just know when a guy is head over heels in fucking love with you. Back when I lived in New York…” Betty drones her out, focusing on the music as Ronnie plays with her hair. “…you’re not even listening to me, are you?” Betty shakes her head, guilt displayed on her face. “Fine, I won’t bore you with the glamorous lifestyle I used to live. Let’s talk about you and Jughead instead.”

Betty purses her lips. “I’d rather not.”

“Come on Betty, you can’t deny he’s dreamy in a Heath Ledger meets Leonardo DiCaprio kind of way.”

Betty’s lips form a straight line, refusing to speak. Ronnie finally drops the subject and plugs in her hair dryer. Betty sings along to the radio while Ronnie fluffs and primps her hair. There’s no wonder she ties it back every day, having to put in actual effort would take way too long.

Around two-thirty Jughead peeks his head into the room, a hand covering his eyes. “Are you ladies decent?”

“Yeah,” Betty says, and he walks right in.

“Okay. Well I just wanted to let you know I’m going to head over there now. I want to take the chance to get everything ready. You know where the Fine Arts building is, right?” The blonde nods. “Good. It’s on the third floor, Room 347. I’ll see you there.” Jughead retreats from the room, knowing when to take his exit.

Another half hour flies by and Ronnie’s just finishing up the final touches with her makeup. She had a knack for using neutral tones to make Betty’s beauty more natural and alluring. “You’re all set. Thank goodness we don’t have to worry about a wardrobe. I would have needed a full 24 hours to set that up.”

Betty sits back and admires her reflection in the mirror. She plays with her curls, gently twirling them around her fingers. “Wow Ronnie.”

“I know, it’s a gift.” She spins Betty around in her chair. “Now you listen here Betts. You are going to walk into that studio, and blow that stupid beanie off his head. Seriously, let me know what it feels like to run your fingers through his hair. I wonder what sort of conditioner he uses? His hair always looks so soft.”

“Ronnie! I’m not going to run my fingers anywhere near Jughead’s hair, or any other part of his body for that matter!” Betty cries. She tosses her hair back in a ponytail and grabs her jacket and keys. “Okay…wish me luck.”

“Buena suerta sweetie. You better tell me everything.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

Betty walks with her hands in her pockets, her mind buzzing with anticipation. She’s nervous and excited and terrified all at once. The whirlwind of emotions makes her feel dizzy and light headed. She’s donning a casual sweater and jeans, not bothering with underwear, knowing she won’t need it where she’s headed. In her bag she has a robe Ronnie let her borrow, warning her Jughead will lose his shit when he sees her in it.

With every step closer she gets her heart beats faster. She struts into the Fine Arts building with unsteady knees and shaky hands. Locating the studio Betty sneaks inside, shutting the door softly behind her.

The room is a lot smaller than she imagined. One wall is nothing but a mirror, with a barre wrapped around it. To the left there’s a small stage with a singular stool. Jughead’s standing there, messing with the lens on his tripod while another camera hangs from a strap around his neck. Two spot lights center in on a plain white black drop. Off to the side there’s a folding screen for her to change behind.

Too wrapped up in his magic, Jughead doesn’t hear Betty approach him. She taps him on the shoulder, almost startling him to death. “Betty, you’re here.”

“Were you afraid I wasn’t going to come?” she asks, swaying from side to side, unable to stand still.

“N-No of course not. Please, make yourself comfortable. You can, err, change over there.” He directs her towards the screen.

Betty disappears behind the screen, exhaling slowly, trying to steady her breath. “Here goes nothing,” she sighs. She undresses precariously, taking her time with each article of clothing. Once she’s done she takes a minute to regain her composure, ready to walk out and face the music.

꙰

Jughead forces down a swallow, watching with lidded eyes and fervent excitement as Betty steps out from behind the divider, wrapped in nothing but a sheer, floral robe. Her hair is down, tumbling in waves surrounding her face. Everything about her is enchanting, luring Jughead in. She’s a drug and he’s an addict, craving every inch of her skin beneath his fingertips.

The gleaming lights illuminate her skin, bringing to life a vision of Betty he never imagined could be real. Shadows enlighten her features, accentuating her hallowed cheeks and lavish lips. She looks at him with distant eyes, hugging herself and continuously biting her lip.

Jughead takes his first picture. She’s nervous. Her fists clutch onto the robe around her, wishing she could disappear into the shadows. “How do I look?” She whispers.

Jughead can barely breathe; barely speak as Betty stands before him. The words flow from his mouth without even thinking. “Flawless.” He searches for oxygen, hoping to clear his head before continuing. “Now let the robe fall off your shoulders, but continue to hold it the way you are.”

Betty does as she’s told, the thin fabric slipping slowly from her shoulders. She tosses her hair over her back and turns her head to face him. He snaps another photo, the flash resounding in the tiny studio.

Jughead walks away for a moment and moves to the corner of the room. He bends down and pops a CD inside an old boom box, letting the music fill the room softly; anything to help distract him from the palpable tension between them.

“I love this song.” Betty tells him with quivering lips. When Jughead turns around the robe is lying in a limp puddle on the hardwood floor. He steadies his quaking knees as he walks back towards her. A piece of dark, unruly hair falls in his face and he tucks it back into the beanie. He needs to focus.

“I’m beginning to think you love every song, Betty.” She smiles coyly, dropping her arms from around her chest. Her breasts rise and fall with the beat of every breath she takes and Jughead can’t help but stare in wonder. The way her body curves, he can hardly think, hardly breathe. Her skin is luminescent. He falls in love with the shadows she creates. From head to toe he examines her body and all the dazzling qualities it possesses.

Her hair, he wants to get lost in it. Her eyes, he wants to search until he finds her soul. Her lips, he wants kiss, breathing her in as if she’s the only thing he needs to survive. Her collar bones, he wants to bite them. Her breasts, he wants to feel the way her supple nipples perk as he drags circles around them with his tongue. Her hips, he wants to hold them forever between his fingers, leaving marks to remind her that she’s his and his only. It takes all the willpower in the world to tear his eyes away and clear the scattered fog currently residing in his mind.

“Dance for me,” he breathes, holding up the camera.

He steps around the room, capturing Betty from every angle possible. At one point he’s lying on the floor, snapping a photo of her from the hips down. “Whoa – I never said you could photograph me there.” But Jughead’s not paying any attention. He studies the way her muscles move as she stands on the tips of her toes. “Hey Jug, eyes up here.”

“Betty I’m not looking there,” but he stumbles to his feet just the same.

She continues to dance, song after song, wrapping Jughead up inside a fantasy. Everything about her is blurred lines and careless angles. She’s free and invincible inside her own skin. She moves through the 8 basic ballet poses, Jughead capturing endless photos of each. Betty pirouettes and spins around on stage, opening her arms up to the heavens and the stars.  

A new song comes on and Betty sits down on the stool he provided, crossing one leg over the other. She reaches up and pulls her hair off her shoulders and away from her face. Jughead zooms in, watching her movements through the lens. She has daring eyes and playful lips. He burns; he yearns desperately for her touch. For her lips hot on his mouth, his fingers tangled in her hair. He takes one picture after the other, fully aware that he’s taken enough to fill a full photo album with bewitchingly beautiful Betty.

He requests multiple poses of her. One with her back to him, her hands clutching the stool behind her as her hair sways to and fro. Another of her straddling the stool with her lip caught between her teeth. She looks at the camera as if she’s in love. Her blue green eyes are alight with a fire Jughead’s never seen before. She’s intense and she’s treacherous, ensnaring Jughead into a world where only the two of them exist.

Hesitantly he staggers up to her on the stage. He manages a few close ups, admiring the strong line of her jaw and the delicate way her eyes flutter every time the flash goes off.

Jughead removes the camera from around his neck and places it on a table off to the edge of the stage and out of sight. “I think I got what I needed.” His voice is low and unsteady. He wonders if she can sense the desire in his tone.

Betty grips onto the edge of the stool she’s sitting on, making no move to leave. “Are you sure?” she asks.

She draws in her lip, biting tenderly on the abused skin. Unable to handle it any longer, Jughead closes the distance between them. He reaches up, cupping her face in his hands. “I’m sure.” He breathes. His nose bumps against hers softly, just before he kisses her.

[livingthelgbtlife-blog]

My Life That Was by Jesse James Devoreaux

How do you tell your story that you want to tell but have always been afraid to? You just tell it and ignore those that are going to judge you for it or sit back and say “Well, I would have done that differently.” The truth is you don't know how you would do it until it happens to you. So, shut the fuck up and learn something. As my time on this earth grows shorter and shorter I need to tell it. Where to start? That's easy. My life and my brothers lives were pretty good before certain events changed them. We lived in Hartford, Connecticut where we were all born with our mom Kayla and our dad Randy. My little brothers are Lucas who is a year younger than me and Damian who is 2 years younger than me. My dad was a Computer Network Engineer and my mom was a Computer Repair Specialist, so our lives were pretty good up to a certain point and we had a nice house and awesome vacations every year and a lot of cool toys. This all changed one morning when I was 8 and me and my brother Lucas were out jogging with our dad. It was a Sunday morning at the end of June and our summer was just starting. We were all excited because we were going to Disney in Florida in 2 weeks for our annual vacation. We were actually a pretty happy family. We started jogging from our house like we normally did every morning and we were single file on the road as cars passed by us. It was a damp and rainy day and it was drizzling just a bit and we wanted to make our mile jog fast this morning. It wasn't going to happen like that this time. Dad was up ahead a little because me and Lucas always fell behind. Dad was cool though, he would slow down and let us catch up. As we were catching up we saw dad about 200 feet ahead of us and he was on a patch of grass and was stretching his legs and back against a tree trying to stay warmed up for jogging while he waited for us to catch up. I first saw the car as it was behind me and Lucas on the road coming off the freeway and it was coming fast and not staying straight. We moved closer to the side of the road as it came up on us, I was in back and Lucas was running in front of me and dad was still waiting for us. As the car passed us he came within 5 feet of us on the left side and the windows were down and he's listening to Rocket Man and drinking something. He wasn't keeping the car straight and he started to drift to the right more and more. My dad had his back to the road and he was still stretching against the tree and didn't even see it coming. He was the lucky one with that. We watched the car go off the road and slam into my dad's back and the car hit the tree. We started running as fast as we could to get there and when we got there we saw my dad on the hood of the car over the engine and he had steam coming up all around him. I remember seeing him moving his arms and trying to get off the hood of the car. Lucas was screaming and crying and yelling “Don't burn daddy”. I was crying and trying to get closer to him on the hood and I remember tripping on something on the side of the car and falling. His legs were sticking out from under the front of the car and I fell over them. As I got up and stood there in shock I remember seeing his top half on the car with blood everywhere and his guts hanging out and his legs on the ground were still touching my feet. Lucas was crying “No Daddy No!!!”. The police, ambulance and fire trucks eventually came and they got us away from there as they started to work on my dad and the guy driving the car. That fucker was killed on impact with the tree and my dad died a few minutes after being cut in half and bleeding to death. The driver had been out drinking in the bars all Saturday night and was kicked out of most of them according to the police and he was drunk as he almost hit us and killed my dad. We were taken home and the police woke my mom up as they knocked on the door. She didn't take the bad news very good at all and passed out when they told her. They called my grandma to come be with us. An ambulance came to the house and checked mom out and her Dr. came too. He gave her something that made her sleep and left some pills with my grandma for her. My mom was a really great mom before this and from now on we would never see that same person again. She changed that day. She spent the next week high on the sleeping pills and was smoking joints all the time now. They had smoked before but only a few times a month before this. They would get it from a guy my dad grew up with and his name was Eddie. I didn't like Eddie, he was always touching me or my brothers on our backs or heads and he would massage us and act like my dads best friend instead of the guy they got pot from. When it was time for the funeral my grandma had to handle everything because my mom couldn't stop crying long enough to talk or think. She started to get high every day now and Eddie came over more and more. We buried my dad about 10 days after he was killed and then we all tried to get on with life without him. That really sucked ass by the way. I couldn't sleep much or do anything without seeing my dads top half laying on that car with blood and steam all around him. I kept hearing Lucas screaming “No Daddy No!!!”. Lucas wasn't sleeping either and my grandma suggested to mom that me and Lucas talk to someone to help us and mom thought it was a bad idea because she didn't want anybody in her business. Her drugs were making her more and more paranoid and she had Eddie over every day now. My grandma was my dads mom and she had enough of my mom and just stopped coming over. We decided that we were still gonna go to Disney and try to take our minds off of life and try to find something happy to do. It's supposed to be the happiest place on earth right? Well, not as long as Eddie Ducharme was there. My mom decided to take her drug dealer on the trip with us. That was the first night he raped me after getting her high. We stayed at Disney for 5 days and Eddie raped me every night. When we got home mom was barely able to get out of bed and kept taking her sleeping pills, pot and she loved vodka. This went on for months even after school started back up the next September. My brothers and me would sleep in my room every night to try to be together and give each other some comfort. Eddie would still come in and rape me every night and make me give him blow jobs while Lucas and Damian watched. He would say, “Boys, pay attention because it's gonna be your turn soon. Jess is a real little slut and he makes me cum so hard”. I couldn't stand him touching me and rubbing me and making me do things to him. We went on like that for about a year and then we lost the house because mom was fired for never going to work anymore and we moved into an apartment near the housing projects in downtown Hartford. Mom moved Eddie in with us because they were dating now and he was gonna pay the rent. We had to learn real quick on how to survive in the city and in a shitty neighborhood with drug addicts, hookers, thieves and dealers everywhere. This was our new home, we weren't in comfortable East Hartford anymore. Eddie and my mom started taking little trips out to Boston and Providence and they would stay a few days ad then come home. These started to turn into a week or two after a few months. They would stay home fore a few weeks and then leave for a few weeks. While Eddie was home he still came in my room every night where we would all be trying to sleep, but couldn't because of all the parties they would have. He started raping Lucas and Damian and made us all watch him fuck the others. That lasted a few days and I couldn't let that happen anymore. He was hurting my little brothers and no motherfucker is going to hurt my little brothers. I took a knife from the kitchen as he was sleeping one night and went into their bedroom. My mom was passed out as usual and Eddie was laying there snoring with an open beer in his hand. I climbed up on him and layed on top of him and started grinding against his dick, he liked me to do that. I called his name really low in his ear, “Eddie”, he didn't hear me. “Eddie, are you awake. I have something for you”. I felt him getting hard under me and he woke up. He goes, “Hey little slut, you want some of Eddie right now”. I said “No, but I still have something for you”. I put the knife to his throat and cut him with it a little and said “You will never touch my brothers and do stuff to them again or I'm gonna wait until your passed out one night and cut your fucking throat”. “Do you understand me?” He nodded his head. I said “Don't push me Eddie, don't fucking push me”. “I will report your ass and send you to jail”. I would definitely cut the fuckers throat but I was never gonna report him because then we would lose our mom too. He never touched Lucas and Damian again after that, but I had pissed him off and he was just starting with me now. He would still come in and do stuff to me when they were home from their trips, but now he changed it a little. As he would slide inside me and push harder than before he would take his cigarettes and touch the lit head to my back and hold it there for a few seconds each time. He would say “It always feels better little slut when it hurts”. He made it hurt and trust me, it didn't feel better. I learned to hate the smell of beer, cigarettes and tuna on his breath as he would fuck me from behind or lay on top of me and fuck me facing me. My mom was still always high and oblivious to everything. Eddie kept her that way so he could do whatever he wanted with me and her welfare checks. That wasn't enough for him though. He started inviting his friends over to try me out every weekend and for $100 they got to fuck Eddies little slut. Some guys liked to record it for later and I had to act like I loved them and that they were my boyfriend. Some guys used to like to stick things inside me like broken bottles or broom handles, anything they wanted for $100. Eddie made thousands from me and his drugs. Him and my mom would take off for longer and longer periods of time and sometimes it would be months before we saw them again. We would run out of food and go hungry for days. We would lose the lights and the heat and the land lord would come knocking on the door looking for rent. Eddie had stopped paying all of this as they took their trips to Boston, Providence, New York City and Atlantic City. I couldn't let my brothers go hungry or get cold anymore and I had to do something. So, I made a decision one night and from now on the money was gonna be mine and not Eddies and I was gonna get us out of here someday. By this time I was 10 years old and I had gotten my paper route when I was 8. The decision I made that night to make more money was to meet Eddie's friends in the park across from the city hall in Hartford. We would go to motels, their apartments or stay there in the park. My prices had gone up and every morning I was doing my paper route with Lucas and Damian helping, going to school and after school my brothers and me would get our homework done. I would cook supper and after we ate I would let them clean up the dishes and I would go to the park again for more “business” and try to be home by 11pm and get Lucas and Damian to bed. I would ask my “customers” to act like an uncle or whatever and pay the landlord and the utility bills at the bodega down the street. There were actually 3 other kids my age living this way in Hartford at that time. We would compete for business in the park. They all thought that I was working for Eddie the drug dealer, so they and their “pimps” didn't mess with me to much. Eddie didn't get to bad unless I didn't give him enough money to keep him happy or a blow job and a fuck...either way he wasn't getting all the money I was making. This went on like this between 8 years old and 14 years old. I had already realized I was gay. That created some problems for me at school. One day me and my class are in gym, the day was February 22nd 2010 and it was cold and snowy outside so we played dodgeball in the gym. We battled back and forth and got all tired and sweaty, we all just loved trying to hit each other in the head with a real hard one. When we were done it was time to go back to the locker room, it was optional if we wanted to take showers or not. I always loved this part smile emoticon I'm in the shower and 2 of my bullies come in and start washing and I ignore their trash talk for the most part. I look over my shoulder and start to check out their asses and their dicks and their abs. They both did look pretty hot. Anyways, we all finish washing, get dressed and then go to our next classes. I meet my brother Lucas outside the school and we started to walk the 2 miles home together like we do every day. We took the same shortcut across the basball and football field that we always do. As we walk passed the bleachers we see them standing there. It's my 5 bullies and atleast 3 of them are carrying baseball bats. They start to surround us. One says, "Hey you little faggot". I tell him to fuck off because thats just me. He gets more pissed off and hits me in the face. He stands upright again and says, "Who the fuck were you lookin at in the shower this morning?" I tell him, "I was lookin at your cute ass and I was tryin to decide if I wanted it or not but I could tell that your daddy already fucked it". I kick him in the balls and punch 2 more in the face and tell Lucas to run. He gets out of there, thank you god let him go. They don't chase him, they all stay focused on me. The first hit in the head with the bat felt wierd, kinda like being hit with a dodge ball. The only difference was that dodegballs didn't split your skull open and make you bleed. I remember trying to fight them off and I remember getting a few shots in. I remember being hit in the stomache and the back and my head again. Over and over and over. I fell to the ground about half way through, I see the swinging of the bats and as I lay there in the snow, I see it turn a deep red and I remember thinking, "How am I gonna put that back in?" There was blackness, no sense of thinking or hearing or seeing. I couldn't feel myself breathing. I would see shadows off and on, here beeps and peoples voices. I hear Lucas and Damien crying, I think "Oh my god, I have to help them". Then blackness again. It went on like that for what felt like forever. I wanted to give in to the blackness and be done with all the pain. Who was going to take care of Damien and Lucas? Mom couldn't. I started to climb my way through the darkness and went to the light and the voices and I felt the pain in my entire body. I woke up. My doctors would tell me that I had been in a coma for 10 days. They had to reconstruct my skull and I had 46 stitches in my head. I had a broken left arm and my left kidney had been crushed and they needed to remove it. I spent another 2 weeks in the hospital and eventually went home. It was near the end of March before I walked back into my apartment with my Aunt, her brother that was my Uncle and my 2 brothers and my Mom. I was still home from school and recovering and Mom managed to last 1 whole week before her and Eddie took off on one of their "trips". These usually lasted anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. She had atleast set it up with the school superintendant that I was going to be home schooled from now on to avoid my bullies. This time before they left they stole the $7000 I had managed to save from my paper route and raking leaves and shoveling snow and my “park customers”. I wrote a letter to god once because I was confused and angry at him for letting my life happen this way and this is what I wrote. Oh god, did I ever thank you for making me and my brothers gay? Well, thank you heavenly father. You have given mankind such great tolerance for everybody's differences. We shouldn't have any trouble being gay in this world. Oops, you fucked up again oh holy one!!! God, can you please let me know why I had to be beaten and killed for being gay? You almost let them get Lucas to god, but I wouldn't let you. I got this, bring it. You let them beat me with bats god, you let them keep hitting me until my skull was open and my blood was at my feet. I remember when I was on the operating table god and you wouldn't let me live anymore. I saw my Dad and Grandparents God and they called me to them. I started to go to them and then I heard Damian and Lucas crying. Was I supposed to trust you to watch over them god? Fuck you. You have done such an awesome job so far. The Dr. keeps shocking me and I keep drifting away. I stop when I hear them. It's ok god, I got them. I'll take care of them. I go back to my body. It's barely alive and its broken with skull fractures and a broken nose and 3 broken ribs and a crushed kidney. I will make it work again god. Look away as usual. God, Am I supposed to understand or forgive what happened to Mom? Her and the douche-bag had left us alone again, this time for 2 and a half months. Yeah, what-the-fuck-ever god. I'll handle it. Did you have to let her take the $7000 we managed to save by working my ass off on my paper route every morning and by raking yards, cutting grass, shoveling snow, cleaning basements and attics with Damian and Lucas? I guess you did, because they took it. I'll figure something out, don't bother god. Did you have to take our mom to god? I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do, somebody please help me. PLEASE!!!! You let the cops find them dead in there motel room in Atlantic City god. You let them spend all our money on gambling and drugs god. The scum-bag cut his wrists and bled out god. Thank you for that one. Why did you let Mom hang herself in a dirty shower god? I don't know. I can't think or feel anymore. Did you send the cops to our apartment to tell us god? I don't know, please tell me something. They took us away god. They want to fucking separate us..NO....NO... NO. I fucking won't let that happen, I can't let that happen. I tell them about my Mom's sister and brother in Bristol and the social workers talk to them. They all get together with a judge and it's decided that we will stay in state custody but will live with Aunt Ginny and she will have Guardianship over us. My uncle don't want 3 gays around his only son. It's been 2yrs since all that now god and I think I'm ready to talk to you again. I've had time to think god and I realized that even god can't be everywhere all at one time and be doing everything. I realized that you made some people stronger than other people and you have to be off helping your children that are weaker. You still watch us all. I realized that what you gave me in my life made me stronger god and didn't kill me. You never give us more than we can handle god. I got this. I love you God From your child Jesse

[itsanoneg-blog]

You take me to a place I never want to leave

I had a whole post written out about the amazing weekend I had with my “friends”, and Carlos but I deleted everything. Because I don’t care about anyone anymore. The only person who is real, true and doesn’t fucking lie to my face is Carlos. And he is the only one who I enjoy talking to, the only one who makes me smile and laugh on a daily basis. I can have conversation after conversation with him, and not get annoyed by anything, because he isn’t a fake piece of shit. He isn’t stubborn, he just tells you how it is whether you want to hear it or not. Don’t sugar coat things, don’t tell me you’re going to do something but do the complete opposite. If anything, I need more people like Carlos in my life. I escaped high school but again I am back in high school drama because “friends” don’t know when to keep secrets. Anyways, I did have a great weekend. And usually I’d be so excited all week to see Carlos again on the weekend, but this week I can’t. The one week I need him most, and he will be in Montreal. So now I have to wait a whole other week to see him. I just need someone who isn’t fake, I am just tired of trying to help people out and having it slap me in the face. I cared most about three people, and I lost them all.

Anyways fuck everyone. Friday night was absolutely amazing. Carlos gave me two options that night, “You come over, we watch Pirates of the Caribbean (hint hint nudge nudge), then we go clubbing with my friends, or we go watch a movie. Your call”. Honestly, I just wanted a night in with him, since we never really get to have alone time. I was in desperate need of his cuddles, and bedroom talk. But this was good too. As long as I got to see him, spend time with him I was fine. I told him to decide because I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t go out with his friends. I didn’t want to be that girl. He chose movies, and I asked him if that is what he really wanted as well. And he said it was, that he’s not too into the party mood anyways. I was happy about that decision, I really did not want to go clubbing. Didn’t want to go to the movies either but it worked out. Tomb Raider is such a good movie, but I don’t know if I paid more attention to the movie, or to Carlos. I drove us that night, and after the movie I wasn’t sure if he would want me to come inside or not. I knew his parents would be home, or be coming home soon, so I wasn’t sure if he wanted them seeing me. He ended up telling me to come in for a coffee. He made us Latte’s, and for two solid hours we sat at the kitchen table talking.

He opened up so much to me Friday night. I was about to cry at one point, and I just grabbed him and hugged him. He had a messed-up child hood moving from Canada, to Argentina and back to Canada again. His family had little to no money and were forced to stay in Canada by extended family members. He got bullied for not speaking solid English, and he told me how much kids hated him because he was fluent in Spanish and not English. Kids are brutal. I’m actually amazed at how much his family pulled through though. They have an amazing house, with a pool and a bar, own their own company, and they seem to be doing really well. He would not stop sharing family and childhood stories. It made me happy that he opened up about all that. He just kept going on and on about stories and started talking about all the projects he’s going to work on this summer. Such a nerd when he goes on a rant about making things out of metal. I started to just get lost as the conversation went on. Just watching him, looking into those grey eyes. I can stare at him all day, literally. I love when he says something and scrunches his face and gives me his side eyes. It’s the most attractive thing in the entire universe.

And right when I think this guy couldn’t be anymore perfect, he asks “Have you ever heard of IllScarlett?” Uhm, you mean the band that introduced me to rock music when I was in grade 7? Yeah, I used to love them before they split. They were the first band I saw in concert, even joined contests to meet them. And that’s were this story gets freaky. I lost the contest, but I remember voting for who I thought should win. I constantly, day after day voted for these two guys who designed a sign and hung it off the billboard. They should have won but placed second. Anyways Carlos goes on with his story “So my buddy and I designed a giant sign for a contest they were having. We placed second and I was pissed because right after we took the picture with the sign, I tried reaching for the ladder and fell right the fuck off the billboard.” First off all I could not stop laughing, because such a typical Carlos move. This guy needs to live in a bubble. I truly do not know how he hasn’t broken a god damn bone yet. Second, I said “You’re not going to believe me, but I actually joined that contest too, and voted day after day for you. You should have won that, what the fuck?” He was shocked, “Damn what a small fucking world but I can see it. If you listen to IllScarlett I’m sure you voted for me. Or was it because I was cute?” Like honestly, I don’t even remember the photo of the guys, I just remember the green sign with the album art work they made. It really freaked me out.

His parents ended up coming home as we were still talking, and my heart started to race. I didn’t know what to expect. Was he even going to introduce me? They don’t speak much English, so I knew they weren’t going to have a full conversation, but I was still nervous. He did introduce us though. His parents walked in and he said something in Spanish to his dad and said “Erica”. Like woah boy what did you say before my name? They said hello to me, smiled, and then said good-night. I mean it was 2am, they were definitely tired because I was tired as fuck but Mr.Chatty just kept telling me stories. I felt kind of insecure. His mom is gorgeous. She looks like Carlos’ younger brother, even though I think his brother is ugly. But man, Carlos really does resemble his dad. He showed me a picture of his dad when he was 26, and I thought it was him. Kind of freaky, his dad is not attractive now but jeez he was back in the day. They’re literal twins.

Friday was cute. Usually when we see each other we kiss right away. But when I first walked into his house, I didn’t pause for him to kiss me. I laughed at his wet hair and pajamas, but I walked away to put my nerdy glasses in my purse. And he walked up to me, as my head was down, and looked up at me, put his head under mine and kissed me. It was actually the cutest thing ever. I went home that night super happy for some reason and I was even happier knowing I was seeing him Saturday night too.

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Saturday night was fine. Not even going to talk about anyone but Carlos because I could care less about my "friends" at the moment. I am just sick of everyone but him. Nothing exciting really happened, but being with him was great. I love how open he is around my friends too. When I first saw him I gave him a big hug. Honestly just wanted to wrap myself around him and never let go. Especially when he wears his orange beanie, it gets to me every time. He was so cute Saturday, held my hand for the first time, ever. Which to many people might not be something special, but to me it made me extremely happy. We never hold hands because I guess he's embarrassed, and I don't even know why. I could care less that his hands aren't soft. Being able to just hold his hand is great enough, and takes away from that. When ever he would walk with me through the pub, he would hold my hand. I was actually shocked. He was walking ahead of me, through the crowd of people and I wrapped my arms around his waist. It lasted until we started getting pushed even more, so he reached out for my hand. Knowing that he doesn't like holding hands, I held it like you would someone you're not into. Like a friendly hand holding. But he spread his fingers apart, and I just intertwined mine into his. UGH! I know why he's against holding hands because his hands are super rough but fuck I really don't care. I was so happy. Literally I dug my head into his back and smiled for a good ten seconds before we started moving.

That night before he got there I was there before him, so I had quite a bit to drink. He bought a pitcher for us and two of my other friends. First off I yelled at him because I wanted to pay, he shouldn't be paying for my friends. But he insisted, that fucker. Then he poured four drinks, and gave us each one. His was half empty and I looked at him and said "You aren't drinking that" and I gave him mine. He paid! Why should he have half a glass? That isn't fair. When I finished my beer, I started to drink some of my friends. Carlos grabbed it from me and said "nuh-uh, you're too drunk." I thought it was so cute. He cares about me! Secretly I was fan girling on the inside but on the out side I played it cool, "what I am not". Then after a bit he also poured me a glass of water, and said "drink this". Like can you get any fucking cuter? He's so great it's ridiculous. He's not super touchy in person which I completely get, but some times I wish he were. Not too extreme, but something.

Anyways, the night ended and when we all left he grabbed my hand again as we walked out with everyone and to his car. The car ride home was actually brutal. I had to pee so fucking bad, the worst. It pissed me off because I could barely get my good-bye kiss from him once he drove me home. He insisted to pull over, but he had his hand on my leg and I didn't want to pull over. Once he pulled into my drive way, he gave me a kiss, or two, or a make out session, (also The Afterglow by Silverstein came on and I just smiled like crazy) then paused and said go pee woman, goodnight. I ran inside. That feeling was terrible. But i couldn't stop smiling. I love his kisses, I love his hugs, I love holding his hands, I love everything about this guy. I can write a fucking novel on how amazing he is. It makes me sad that I probably won't be seeing him this weekend because he's going to Montreal with his buddies. But ugh, I just want to see him again. The weeks feel so long, and he's always busy in his shop during the week so we don't hang out. Hopefully he leaves Saturday so that I can spend Friday with him...

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And today when I broke down and cried at work... I sent him a photo with the slightest tear drop in my eye. Literally you could only see it if you really looked. Within seconds he messages me back "Dafaq are you crying? What happened?!?!?!?!" This just made me smile, because like I said you could barely see the tear, but he noticed. He notices the slightest things, and I freaking adore him for that. I told him the entire situation, he was there to listen and he gave me advice. Honestly I was afraid to tell him about this "useless bullshit" that I was crying about, but he didn't judge and he managed to make me smile. Just like he always does. I didn't smile all day today until he messaged me and made everything better.

Still Dreaming by Silverstein <3