#I remember thinking this in hs Spanish and it was a turning point

[artistsonthelam]

In honor of the Summer Olympics, fun fact about me: I was on the swim team* in high school. 🏊

Here's a poster my mom made to cheer me on during Senior Swim Night. 💛💚 (She took this photo of it back then.) I remember being so moved by how cute it was and her attention to detail; my hair looked exactly like that because I was growing out my childhood bangs, and the frog and duck are stuffed animals I had (and I remember they were SO soft), and they looked exactly like that as well 🦆🐸

*As you can imagine by just looking at me, I wasn't particularly good, at least for swim team standards (and if you think I'm small now, I was even smaller back then—when HS began I was scrawny and 4 ft.-something). Sure, I'm faster than normal people, but we're talking competitive swimming here.

I was the textbook definition of a bespectacled nerd. I had no hand-eye coordination (which is ironic as someone who can draw, I know) so forget about any other sports that required me to catch or hit flying objects.

Pretty much everything else I did, I excelled at naturally and without any effort: art, writing, piano, foreign languages (in jr. high I won the Best Spanish Student award and my freshman year German teacher called me a "German prodigy" which I didn't even know was a thing that existed but apparently it does). But athletics? That was the one activity I actually had to work hard at, which made the sense of accomplishment I got whenever I finally mastered a new swimming skill even sweeter. There's value in doing something just because you enjoy it, regardless of your ability.

I also had a late start in that I didn't learn how to swim until I was 9. (I wanted to when I was 6 but when my dad went to sign me up for lessons they were all booked, and he saw that there were openings for ice skating and asked if I wanted to do that instead. So other fun fact [that's also funny but in a different way because it was so unlike me as a tomboy]: I did Figure Skating when I was a kid.)

I was on the JV team. At meets, I was usually assigned to the slowest heat. (Although to my credit, whenever I was put in a relay, I was always made the anchor.) I could barely ever dive properly. I did open turns instead of flip turns, which slowed me down even more. And you know what? I didn't care. I loved swimming. I loved just being in the water. (Whenever we had dry land training after school I used my other extracurriculars as an excuse and skipped practice (sorry, Coach) because I didn't see the point if I couldn't be in the pool (yes I now realize those skipped workouts would've helped me be a better swimmer).) I wasn't in it to win it; I was genuinely in it for fun, for, well, the love of the game. Giving it my all, beating my own personal bests, feeling strong. The adrenaline rush of standing on the starting block, the Pavlovian response to the beep, the moment the roar of the crowd fades into the background and it's just you and the water. The camaraderie, cheering on your teammates. During practice they'd play music on the speakers (I remember my first time hearing "Sk8er Boi" was in the water doing laps); I'll never forget one random snapshot in time when the sound system was blaring "Heaven Is a Place on Earth," and the girls who were up on the blocks were dancing to it, and I thought to myself, "You know, maybe it is."

// (c) Jenny Lam

[feministbean]

I Can’t Sleep So Imma Rant About Mean People From HS: Freshman Edition- Fuck Ricky

I was a baby among other fish babies but I didn’t know any of them cus I didn’t go to my feeder Hs bc I went to a rich snooty booty Hs bc better grades and stuff... anyways so like I’m over here tryna make friends and this guy named Ricky is like cool and we get along super well and we talk a lot and everything is great. We also talk with this annoying ass girl named Vivian but who liked to be called Aimee but deadass nobody ever fucking called her that and I remember she thought not being in top 10 made her a nobody like yikes pobresia (that last word basically means poor her in Spanish)... we digress lol.... Also this girl Andrea who liked to be called Emily (OOH BIH U DONT KNOW WHATS COMING WITH HER LMAO)

So this Ricky guy is fun to talk to and it’s one of those friendships where you just click right and ok well long story short. It was the beginning of the second semester and I didn’t have lunch with any of the little pals I would sit with in the fall semester lunch so I be out here looking for friends and shit and so then I see that guy Ricky and I’m like oh cool we’re definitely friends bc we shared so many laughs and conversations and I even thought that just maybe he had a crush on me (the feeling wasn’t mutual but the slight hints of flirtation he tossed around made me feel pretty and wanted, which I’m sure everyone enjoys and later I was told by Andrea that he did have a crush on me but I hurt his dumbass heart bc i was talking about my current boyfriend around him so maybe that’s why he did what follows?? Idk)

He sees me and as I expected, he’s like HEY!! You have this lunch?? :D and I’m like Yes lol (tryna play off like if I’m totally not a loser with no friends and like I have somewhere to go) and so he’s like Oh cool! I know you don’t eat any of the school food, but would you still go wait in the lunch line with me?? :)) mY naive innocent loving ass is like YeAh! So here I am in this long dumbass line for disgusting food, Ricky is like hey can you get a plate of *i forgot what food it was they were serving that day* so I could eat an extra one from yours? And I’m like yeah sure bc I mean it’s not like I was tryna eat nasty food.

sooooooooooooo...... we get our food and I follow him to his little table which is fullll of people and there is only one seat left (although if people are small then 3 could totally fit and ik this for a fact bc i would so that at other points in time) so that Ricky guy takes the last seat and I’m sort of just standing there like an idiot thinking uhhh is he gonna introduce me or make a little space for me orrrr??? (And let it be known that at this point in my life I was really unhealthy and would never eat so my ass was a STICK so making space for me literally was NO TROUBLE)

His friend who he’s sitting next to moves a bit over, implying for him to move so he could make a space and as she does that I’m like yay they don’t think I’m intruding and just as my ass sits down and is gonna introduce myself my boy Ricky is like... oh... you’re not leaving???... and the table laughs and so I’m left feeling mortified. // I wish he would’ve left it at that.//

I start feeling face flush as I finally admit, iN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIENDS, oh well I don’t have anywhere else to sit none of my friends have this lunch... and y’all aren’t even ready for what he does next.... RICKY AND HIS HEADASS BRAIN say to me, oh well you can’t stay here. I stare back. Face flush turns to red rush and I feel my tears about to gush. He LITERALLY SAYS “shoo shoo go away” and everyone laughs :))) AGAIN, I WISH HE WOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT.

THENNN, HE DEADASS GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND GRABS MY ARM AND GUIDES ME TOWARD A TABLE LITERALLY LIKE 3 TABLES AWAY FROM THEIRS WHERE THEY COULD LITERALLY SEE ME!!! And I wouldn’t have minded sitting by myself but this table was that table with that one weird white shy guy who always has his head down and hates everyone and like hisses at people and shit when they try to talk to him and is so nervous and hostile about everything you don’t know how tf to even interact with him so it was honestly worse than sitting by myself

Ricky even introduces me to the guy in the most patronizing baby voice he says to the guy “hey this is Cecy she’s really nice talk and be friends” REALLY NICE? THEN WHY DID U JUST HUMILIATE ME SO BAD so just as Ricky is about to leave he still has the nerve to ask for my lunch plate, my way of setting my foot don is saying no. I was wayyy too nice. ):

My innocent sweet baby self even tried talking to the weird guy but I found myself having a conversation where the only response I would get was occasional raging stare downs so I finally decided to quit for safety reasons, I pulled out my homework and as I watched Ricky’s horrible ass walk away I could hear and even see his friends laughing, he sits down where he has a view of me, his disposable entertainment.

I tried so hard not to cry as I pretended to have Spanish homework I needed to do in a rush because it was due the next class, but in reality I was getting ahead because I was a little embarrassing need, and was reminded of that every time I looked up at the table where Ricky and his friends sat.

Lunch was finally over and I hurried to pack my things as I desperately needed to cry in the bathroom before my next class, Ricky tried to go up to me and say something but I wasn’t about to listen to anything else he had to say so I just shoved my arm away from his grasp and walked off both proud of myself and heartbroken as I realized the world wouldn’t always be the bright pastel pink lovely land I’d always made it out to be.

Fuck Ricky man, but let it be known I’ve grown so much since then and am not out here letting boys make me feel like an embarrassment.

Also thanks to Ricky, because ever since that day EVERYTIME I saw someone sitting alone I invited them over to my table with my friends because I knew how bad it felt.

BE KIND TO OTHERS 💓