#I wanna practice and draw everyday and work hard to improve and make even better pieces raaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[theboyzuniverse]

Let's Dance

It has been the most wonderful experience working with The Boyz and their company. As soon as you graduated dance school you were lucky enough to land a job almost immediately. The pay isn't too much yet but it helps you get by, and you have the most amazing people to work with, everyone is friendly and respectful. The best part about your job, however, was the boys. Watching them work hard, slowly succeeding, and celebrating the little achievements. They were a big part of your life, and the reason you got to work everyday, you loved their humble and playful vibe. Most of all of course, you enjoyed dancing with them, and watching them dance.

Working on the choreography for 'Stealer' had been a fun time. It was by far the sexiest concept that the team had done, the group was becoming more well-known, and everyone enjoyed themselves. It amazed you how much they suited the concept because they had the softest personalities.

Every member is very attractive and talented, but you always had a soft spot for Sangyeon. You admired his leadership and how he sometimes acted as a secondary parent to them, but at times he would still goof around and be silly with them. He had a the brightest smile, was always polite and friendly to every one of the staff, it also helped that he was hella attractive. What didn't help was how fast your heart would beat every time his part would arrive for 'Stealer'.

"Are you drooling again? Why don't you just tell him straight out how much you're in love with him?"

You blushed red as your roommate and close friend Jun called you out. He was also a dancer and you both had been scouted by the company at the same time.

"Could you be a little more subtle? I don't wanna get in trouble." You hissed back.

"Well you couldn't be more obvious with your little heart eyes."

You rolled your eyes and playfully hit him.

"I just... Its complicated."

"What, because he's an idol?"

"Partly, but more so because I don't think the company would really like it, and I can't afford to lose this job."

"What? Not even for love?" Jun feigned shock and you rolled your eyes again, he always teased you but he also always made life a little more fun.

Jun and you, along with his girlfriend of two years shared a two-room apartment. Since the rent was split three ways, it made life financially more comfortable, so it was a win-win for everyone. If they ever broke-up it would be another story, but you were pretty sure they could get married soon. However, you wished it wouldn't be too soon, at least not until you could afford your own apartment.

"Do you think he could be interested though, even a little?" You asked.

"You know my answer," He sighed.

"Well, if we go by your logic, it would pretty much mean all of them are interested because they're all super sweet."

"Believe what you want, but Sangyeon doesn't give compliments and praises to the rest of us as much as he does you."

You always noticed it a little too, the sweet heartfelt compliments and encouragements he would send your way. Of course he always politely thanked all the staff but he somehow made you feel like you were a little more special, but you couldn't bring yourself to believe quite yet. It felt too unreal that he could actually like you back.

"Come on, they're having a final rehearsal before D-day."

You follow the rest of the staff to the bigger rehearsal room. All the boys were already at the center of the room, and obviously as you take a seat your eyes are immediately fixed on Sangyeon. The music starts and you watch closely, he has two main parts and you can't help thinking that both are just as seductive. The first part was when he stood with his back to the crowd, moved side to side with a smooth shoulder dance as he looked back seductively. The second part was when your heart almost jumped out of your chest because you were so sure he was looking straight into your eyes as he pulled himself forward. Luckily, no one else had noticed.

After they did the whole choreography two more times, everyone was free to do their own things as official work was done until D-day. You just sat there on the floor, debating whether to go home or not. If you go home, you would either just go to sleep or watch a movie and eat delivery food alone in your room. If you stay, you'd still be alone as everyone else would go home, but you'd be more productive. You somehow didn't feel like going home just then, Jun and his girlfriend would also appreciate having the apartment to themselves for a while even though they wouldn't admit it.

"You coming home?"

"No, I'll just stay for a while."

"Okay, don't be out too late though."

"Yup."

"See you at home."

Everyone left one by one and you waited for them to all be gone until you actually started to move. You loved having the practice room to yourself, being alone with your thoughts and being able to express the music with your body. Playing 'Heroine' by Sunmi, you started to dance according to a choreography that you made yourself. Having the freedom to express yourself while nobody's watching gave you a kind of thrill that kept you energetic. The song was ending when the door opened to a smiling Sangyeon, looking totally happy and amazed at what he just saw.

"Oppa!" You said startled.

"What the heck, that was amazing!"

You blushed shy and embarrassed, looking at the ground.

"Did you see the whole thing?"

"Yeah, I forgot my phone and I came back to get it, but I saw you started dancing and I was afraid to interrupt you."

"Ah, that's so embarrassing, you should've told me." You whined.

"That was nothing to be ashamed of." He told you as he held your shoulders with both hands. "Be more confident Y/N."

Sangyeon goes to the end of the room, puts down his bag and removes his sweatshirt and cap, and starts the music. 'Stealer' starts playing and your heart skips a beat as he walks towards you.

"Let's dance." He tells you, "Together."

At first you think of refusing but instead you just nod and follow him. You've been rehearsing with them so you already know the whole choreography. The two of you dance side by side, and he does little improv moves so it looks better since only the two of you are dancing instead of a group. You follow what he does. Your favorite Sangyeon part comes on and you get excited over it, the excitement turns to a mini heart attack when his second part comes on and he maintains eye contact with you through the mirror. Overwhelmed, you just stop in your tracks and sit on the floor with your back against the wall. He stops too and comes and sits next to you before the song is done.

"Its been a while since I've wanted to have some time alone with you," Sangyeon starts talking, and you hold in your breath. "You do know that I like you right?"

You breathe out the air you were holding in and slowly answer, "No... I didn't know."

He looks at you a surprised, "I always thought I made it pretty clear, and the members are always teasing me."

"I've thought about it, but I just never believed it would be possible." You reply.

"So that means you like me too."

You nodded once, too overwhelmed by what was happening. He takes your hand and holds it, drawing circles with the other hand.

"You always underestimate yourself, your talent and how beautiful you are." You felt like your chest was gonna explode with how fast your heart was beating. "I'm sorry Y/N, I should've just been clear and straightforward with my feelings."

"What? No, its not something to be apologetic about."

You bravely put your head on his shoulder, and you both stay that way for a while. Then he turns to you to go in for a kiss. You try your best to remain calm as he draws closer and you close your eyes. His lips touch yours as he softly cups your face, then deepens the kiss as he turns himself to face you. You don't know if its because you haven't had a kiss for so long but it gets you hot and turned on in no time. Sangyeon breaks the kiss as he connects both your foreheads, you both breathe heavily as the sexual tension gets undeniably high.

The whole place is quiet except for the sounds of your breathing. Sangyeon pulls you onto his lap, facing each other, bodies close, he pulls you in for another kiss. You reach out and run your hands through his hair, lightly grinding against him as he moans a little.

"Sh*t," He mutters softly as he breaks the kiss again, you could feel both of your heart beats racing.

You get off of his lap shy about the steamy make out session, then he stares at you with the same intensity as he did at the final rehearsal. Seeing it close up makes you breathless. He reaches for you and pulls you back on his lap, and starts nuzzling his face on your neck and giving you kisses. You could feel him hardening as you grind yourself against him, and you moaned as he left hickeys on your neck.

"Take it off," You tell him lightly tugging at his shirt.

"Getting impatient are we?" He smirks.

You blush and look down as he removes his shirt, softly running your fingers down his abs. Sangyeon inserts his thumbs in the waist of your pants, and slowly pulls them down to remove them. You dared not say anything, afraid that you would wake up and find out it was all just a dream.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" He asked.

You nodded. It was what you've always wanted, no turning back.

Sangyeon pulls down his pants a little, taking it out his length and pumps it a few times. You position yourself as you slowly slide it in. It hurts more than you thought it would so your eyes get teary, he wipes away the single tear with his thumb and pulls you in for a kiss. You're thankful for how gentle he is with you. Once you get a little used to him you start riding him, and an immense pleasure fills you up. He groans a little and that turns you on more as you get bolder and rougher, moving your hips against his. He removes your shirt and unclasps your bra, sucking on one breast as he squeezes the other. To add to all the pleasure you were feeling at that moment he starts rubbing your clit with one hand, you whimper a little. If you could die from immense pleasure this was it, yet you never felt more alive.

"Look at me," He commands you as he stops sucking on your breasts.

You look at him shy, but not embarrassed. He pulls in for another kiss, this time his hands on your neck. He's not really choking you but he put a little pressure on it and you could tell he was almost coming, you could feel yourself getting nearer too. Soon after one last kiss you feel your orgasm wash over you, a type of euphoria engulfs you. Sangyeon could tell from your moans. He pulls you close connecting his lips with your neck, and you grind a few more times as he came soon after.

You both breathe heavily recollecting your senses, and you rest your foreheads against each other. You smile at how soft he looked right after what you both had done, and stay that way for a while, without him pulling out.

"We should get dressed," You tell him.

He nods, as you both get up. You somehow feel a little cold and empty as you disconnect from his body. He looks at you and sees your disappointed face, giving you a peck on your lips.

"Will you go on a date with me tomorrow?'

"Yes, of course." You smile instantly.

The two of you get dressed quickly and gather your things to head out. Right before you were about to turn off the lights a breathless Eric rushes inside.

"Wait wait wait, I forgot my phone." He says as you and Sangyeon stare at him. "What?"

You just keep staring at him, shocked that you and Sangyeon had done it without locking the door. You then turn to Sangyeon about to say something when he cuts you off.

"Let's go home Eric."

"Wait, why are you guys so awkward? Did you finally tell her? What happened between you guys?" He shouts over Sangyeon pushing him out the door.

You giggle at how silly he was being. Sangyeon turns around before going out the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow at 8?"

"Okay,"

He winks at you as he leaves, and your insides do a little dance. You couldn't feel any more happier and content at that moment.

[seryonn]

How do you continue your art? I want to improve my art, but I look at others’ art. I just feel so unmotivated. I’m also a student, so I don’t have the time to draw all the time.

Bear with me I love art so this will be long

I think it's really important to not compare your art to others because it can really feel unmotivating and feel like you're getting nowhere. I know that's easier said then done but it's important to remind yourself that it takes time to learn something and you won't get there immediately. everyone learns at their own pace and the persons art your looking at it took them a lot of practice too to get to where they are. and that means you can too. it's not impossible it just takes a lot of hard work and determination. Also another thing to keep in mind is that I think most everyone feels insecure about their art and everyone's trying to improve something. Even if you're looking at their art you might be thinking "wow they draw this so well there's no way they can be insecure or they have nothing more to learn" etc; But in reality in art you're constantly learning and improving on something after years of doing it. They're probably thinking about how their lights and shadows can be improved or their coloring. Maybe they want to try different angles but perspective is still something they really struggle with. Maybe they want to improve storytelling, shape-language. It can be a million different things. So in that aspect you're really not alone everyone's insecure about something in their work.

I think in terms of motivation it can help to find something that motivates you to want to draw. For me despite there being people way better at art then I am I have select favorite artists that I draw-in a lot of inspiration from where my brain goes crazy with "I want to do this so bad I want to get to where they're at. I want to draw so bad." Even watching shows you're really into like anime/cartoons can inspire you. Whether or not it's from the storytelling or the characters themselves. Another thing that really helps me is music. Put together a music playlist you can enjoy when you draw and always play it. I found out for me that since I did it so much the second I play it I get an extreme urge to draw to the point it bothers me if I don't draw at that moment. I'm guessing it just might have something to do with making it nostalgic. But hey It works! (I normally pick songs from "Peter Gundry" and "Adrian Von Zieglar" or any type of game soundtrack like Zelda or even Studio Ghibli.)

Someone told me that there's always time to do a few minutes of something no matter what it is. No matter how busy you are. 5-10 minutes is always better then nothing and the more you do it the more the time adds up and you can really see improvement from it. And I do agree with that. Doing only a few minutes a day though can be really slow I really would recommend at least 30 minutes of drawing everyday if you really want to see some improvement. If you really want to try to fit that into your schedule that'd really help benefit you if you're serious about it. Otherwise even just a few minutes of doing it will still help. Doing a few figure studies every day or even just any type of perspective study with shapes (cubes, circles, triangles, cylinders etc;) will help you a lot in the long run. Just know it's not about how long you study. Time doesn't matter It's just about how you decide to use that study time. You can draw for years and not learn much if you're not willing to work your brain and study efficiently and effectively. Using references is so important and studying off your favorite artists helps you to understand a lot. I extremely recommend realism because it helps you get a better understanding of how things work in real life. Cartoons/Anime styles are literally all just real life broken into simpler shapes. Making it easier to understand. If you get to understand realism and then break it down into these shapes it'll help your mind to think more 3 dimensionally and actually see and understand what you're drawing. You won't just be looking at it and think of everything as a line. You know those people who seem to know how to draw everything? In their brain it's just a bunch of shapes merged together and that's so much better then thinking everything as something completely different you need to relearn every time.

Art's my favorite thing so I could keep going on about it. But i'll leave it here. Art is super frustrating even for me and i've taken breaks that lasted months and it's ok to take a break if you're getting to that point. Don't force yourself to do something you're not enjoying. Come back to it another day if you start to feel frustrated because I feel like that helps in making you feel insecure and you can lose the love to draw if you do that. Taking breaks helps your mind to relax and give yourself a new perspective and maybe there's something you'll realize when you come back to it because when you're frustrated it's a lot harder to learn and pay attention. Overall art is supposed to be fun and not everything has to be perfect. The more you do it the more you'll learn and you can eventually get to a state you're satisfied with and enjoy the learning process as you go on. Hope this helps!

Channels i'd really recommend if you wanna improve: proko, moderndayjames, kienan lafferty, istebrak (love her), sinix design, marco bucci, marc brunet, Alphonso Dunn, Whyt Manga, Robert Marzullo, Ahmed Aldoori, Sycra, Markcrilley

[porkchop-ao3]

A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 46)

Treasure

Reader receives a gift that gives her a reason to smile, and then she smiles a whole lot more.

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

-

Days went by, nondescript and immeasurable, practically the same routine everyday. I woke up, I did chores, I went to bed, and repeated it all the next day. The sense of hope that I'd kept at heart in the days following the discovery of that newspaper article was dwindling steadily, and every day felt longer and longer, harder and harder, till I was just going through the motions until I could go to sleep again. 

People noticed. Charles first, of course, he'd been keeping a keen eye on me the whole time, checking in on me each day to ask how I was. He was soft and careful with me, speaking to me in a tone that reminded me of how one would talk to a spooked horse. I appreciated his kindness, but it didn't matter how many times he asked me if I was okay, I'd always just say yes. I wasn't, obviously, we both knew that. But mine was the sort of sadness that nothing could cure, but perhaps time. Even that seemed impossible, for the more time that passed, the smaller the flame of hope grew, and the more I came to believe that my Arthur was gone. It was a scenario I didn't want to accept. 

Sadie approached me one afternoon an indiscernible number of days since Abigail and I's trip to Saint Denis. I hadn't left camp since, excluding the ride I'd taken that evening. 

"Hey there. I heard you was a good con-woman. You wanna come out with me, see if we can rustle something up?" She asked. I lifted my head from the arrow I was working on – Charles had taught me how to improve them to make them stronger and more accurate – to look at her in bewilderment that she'd want me to do something with her, the miserable mare I was.

"Right now?"

"Sure, nothing too fancy. Just something to put a little extra money in our pockets," she said, offering me a kind smile. 

My lips parted and I was hesitant to answer. In truth, Christ no, I did not want to go conning right then. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. It took enough energy just to pretend to be not on the verge of crying constantly, I didn't think I had it in me to paint another layer onto the facade for the sake of a con. But how on Earth could I say no when the gang was in such a dire situation?

Thankfully, she saw my hesitation for what it was, and her face fell just a little. She sat down on the crate next to me, leaned forwards with her elbows on her knees and stared at her hands. 

"I know what you're going through," she said quietly. "I ain't making you work, I just thought you might wanna do something more interesting than chores, try and get your mind off it. For me, that's all I wanted at the start." 

"That's a kind sentiment, Sadie," I whispered, smiling, "but I'm okay here, jus' doing this," I waved the completed arrow at her then placed it with the bundle by my feet. 

"Okay then, if you're sure," she said, then after a moment, moved to leave. I stopped her with a hand on her arm. 

"I'm so sorry about your husband. I know that was real raw when I first showed up, I never said nothing about it. I hope you don't think of me as rude for not giving you my condolences," I told her abruptly.

"I don't. You didn't know me at all, and no offense, I barely even realised you were new for a start. First couple weeks were a blur, I don't remember much. I was too torn apart," she admitted, and I nodded sympathetically. "Keeping busy helps, I know. But you gotta be careful not to just shut everything out and rely on monotony to get you through the day, you lose a lot of time that way. You wake up one day and realise how long it's been and–" she stopped abruptly, sighed and shook her head.

I felt awful for Sadie. She was a married woman, I didn't know for how long but she was married. I knew how painful it was no longer having Arthur by my side and he and I's relationship was relatively young. I couldn't even claim to know exactly how Sadie must've felt losing her husband. 

"I always liked Arthur," she began on a different note, lifting her head, "he's one of the good ones, ain't he?"

I nodded my head. 

"You keep hold of him, if he makes it back here," she advised, patting the back of my hand where it rested on my knee. I met her eyes. 

"I fully intend to. I don't know how I'd– it's hard because I don't know whether I should be grieving or not," I said, and her brow creased in sympathy. 

"Yeah, it's an odd situation. But some hope's better than none, ain't it?" She offered and I nodded slowly. 

"I suppose it is. Every time I see something move over there–" I jerked my head towards the entrance to Lakay– "my heart goes mad and I'm searching for him." 

Sadie looked at me, her eyes full of pity throughout the lull in conversation. She pressed her lips together, then sighed and looked down. 

"After my Jakey died, Abigail was a good friend to me. She'd sit with me and let me cry and whine and feel sorry for myself and she did it all with compassion. I know you and I ain't particularly close, but I want you to know, I wouldn't mind paying Abigail's favour forward. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. Someone who knows your pain," she told me. 

She was speaking as if Arthur was definitely dead and while her kindness was appreciated, I hated what it meant. She didn't think he was coming back. She pitied me, saw herself in me, in what I was going through. I was far from ready to start accepting the very real possibility that Arthur was dead, and when a reasonable response to her offer failed to materialise in my brain, I just stared at her. I stared with parted lips and tears welling in my eyes and anger building that I did not want to direct at her. So I got up, and walked away as quickly as I could. 

I shut myself away in the building with the painted wall, my usual spot, and threw myself down on the bed that resided there. The sheets were musty and unclean, I had no clue how long they'd been there or who had slept in them last, but I couldn't care less. I curled up on my side and squeezed my eyes shut. 

Arthur wasn't dead. If he was I'd have a gut feeling, wouldn't I? I'd somehow know. It had been weeks since the night of the robbery, but it would take weeks for him to get back to America after leaving on a boat. There was still a feasible chance that he was heading home, or he could be back already, and just looking for us. Or maybe he and the others were just giving it some time, letting the heat die down before attempting to come back to us. There were plenty of alternative reasons for his absence and the likelihood of it being because he was dead was probably the smallest. Arthur's strong. He's clever.  

I squeezed my eyes ever tighter, and the next thing I knew, I was being roused by a hand on my shoulder.

I woke with a start, my eyes flashing open to find Miss Grimshaw looming over me, her expression unreadable. My heart dropped and I shot upright.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to fall asleep– I know it looks that way, I'm laying in a bed, but I– I was–" I stammered, giving up on excuses and sighing. She sat down on the bed next to me, her expression shifting into a small smile. 

"It's okay, darlin'. I ain't here to tell you off," she reassured me, squeezing my shoulder once. I shifted, crossing my legs and watching her with intrigue. "Sadie told me that you barged in here earlier on, she was worried she'd upset you."

I shook my head and closed my eyes in frustration at myself. "No, she was being kind. I just ain't myself right now."

"I figured. That's why I wanted to talk to you. And give you something," she said, looking down into her hand. She was holding something I couldn't see. "Things are tough on everybody right now, but I know you must feel especially worried."

"I don't wanna claim that I'm worse off than everyone else just 'cause–"

"It ain't a competition," she cut me off, "that ain't my point, just let me speak. Your relationship with Arthur is different, more intimate, you're bound to have more intense feelings about his absence, I'm not looking for a debate about that." 

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling like a scolded child. 

"I wanted to do somethin' nice. Or at least something I think is nice, you might hate me for it, I don't know," she shrugged, she had an air of stoicism about her, but I could see that she cared. I frowned in confusion. 

"What is it?"

"I have this necklace," she began, unfurling her hand to reveal a silver necklace with an oval shaped pendant engraved with the image of a heron. It was very pretty. "It's a locket," she added, then handed it to me. 

I draped the chain over my fingers and perched the pendant in my palm, lifting it for a closer inspection. There was a lot of detail in the engraving, I could even make out the suggestion of feathers. 

"I dug around in all our old things. We've got a box of photographs we've kept for years, I had a look and found one small enough to cut up and go in there. I never wear that locket, so you can have it. It was a gift from a lover from years ago," she chuckled playfully at that. 

I pressed my nail to the groove down the edge of the locket and popped it open, carefully parting it to reveal the photo inside. My eyes were blurry in a second. Of course, it was a photograph of Arthur; it looked quite old, he was a little younger, probably in his late twenties, but he was equally as handsome as the Arthur I knew. I blinked and felt tears roll down my cheeks and wordlessly threw myself forwards, wrapping my arm around Susan and burying my face in her shoulder. She made a surprised sound, but hugged me back after a moment. 

"Alright, that's a good response," she chuckled.

"Why on Earth would I hate you for this?"

"I figured it might hurt you, seeing him when he ain't here," she explained. 

"The only pictures I have of him are my silly drawings, I will treasure this," I told her, pulling back to look once again at the locket. I held it close to my face, relishing the opportunity to refresh the image of him in my mind, to remind myself of his lovely eyes, the cute dimple on the end of his nose, the shape of his lips…

"There's that smile we've all missed," she said, nudging me. 

"Thank you so much," I whispered, pressing a kiss to the locket before carefully closing it. 

"Would you like me to help you put it on?"

"Yes please." 

I handed her the necklace and twisted around. Susan draped the thing around my neck, and I peered down at where it laid against my sternum. She fiddled with a clasp for a moment before letting it go once it was secured around my neck. 

"So, there you go, any time you miss him you'll be able to see his face," she smiled at me and I returned it, holding the locket within my palm. "Now that you're smilin' again, are you gonna come help with dinner?" She queried with a stern tone, though it was coloured with playfulness too. I smirked and nodded, rising to my feet and following her back outside.

Every night since then I fell asleep with the locket laying open in my palm. It dulled the empty feeling in my chest made by his absence enough to give me some peace. Though I still of course longed to have him back by my side, Miss Grimshaw's gift certainly helped ease my upset. I went hunting again with Charles, and he noted that I seemed to be doing a bit better, either that or I was getting better at putting on a facade. I wasn't entirely sure which was true, sure, the locket gave me something to hold at night but it wasn't flesh and blood, it wasn't my Arthur. I just told Charles that the people at camp treating me with kindness was probably helping. And it was. 

I'd grown closer to the likes of Charles, Abigail and Sadie, who each seemed to have some sort of perceived duty of care to me. I felt as if I was tucked carefully under each of their wings, and they all took the time to check on me if I'd spent too much time on my own. It made sense. We all had something in common. For Charles, it was that we were missing Arthur, both of us were particularly close to him in our own ways. Abigail, she was missing her man too, though she knew exactly where he was. She rarely outright admitted it of course, continuously mentioning Jack, who – bless him – didn't even fully seem to know what was going on. And Sadie kept looking at me with a certain softness in her eyes and I knew she still saw me as analogous to her when Jake passed, and she felt a sort of responsibility to offer me support.

We gravitated towards each other, I seemed to always have one of them nearby. I appreciated it. I felt less alone while my most treasured person was missing, and it allowed me to feel more like a part of the gang again. I realised that despite my intentions not to, I had aligned myself with Arthur while he was there, sticking to him so closely and allowing my bonds with the rest of the gang to sink into the background. When he first disappeared, I felt like an impostor, similar to when I first joined. I often wondered if that was how Molly had felt too, though she had opted to leave rather than staying. In my case, my strengthened relationship with the others helped me to once again feel at home, though it was an incomplete home. 

After a couple more days passed, I found myself feeling a little numb. It was neither positive or negative. I guessed that my emotions had been so unsteady for so long that they'd stopped knowing what to do and had given up altogether. I took it while I could, grateful for the reprieve. 

I found myself stood cleaning dishes with Abigail one evening, it had been pouring rain all day and we were standing outside underneath the shelter of the lean-to attached to one of the shacks. I lost myself in the constant hiss of the water hitting the ground as I scrubbed the plate in my hand dry. Abigail had been upset that morning, having found out that John had officially been moved to Sisika. I'd done my best to comfort her as she had done with me over Arthur, but she had been quiet and withdrawn for the remainder of the day. I stuck by her side, helping entertain Jack when it was clear that she was too distracted to give him her full attention. He was asleep now, though, curled up inside with Tilly and Mary-Beth.  

I couldn't hear much over the sound of the rain, so when Abigail spoke I was sure I'd missed half of her sentence, because all I heard was: "Arthur?" 

I glanced up at her, she was standing on the other side of the table, looking over my shoulder. 

"What about him?" I asked. Then felt a hot jolt of adrenaline surge through me when I heard wet footsteps and noticed Abigail's eyes following something behind me, I could only take a split second to pray that the conclusion I had drawn was true, then I cranked my neck around so fast it'd hurt in the morning.

There he was. In the same white shirt and dress trousers he'd left Shady Belle in, a few weeks worth of beard grown in, rosy, sunburnt cheeks and a build-up of grime covering every visible inch of his body. My Arthur. 

My knees felt as though they would buckle beneath me and my hand moved to the table behind me, gripping tight. 

"You're alive!" Abigail cheered, a joyous laugh rippling through her words as she rounded the table and jogged over to him. Arthur's eyes never left mine as she gave him a brief hug.

"Hey ladies," he said, his tone friendly but he sounded tired and strange, a little like he was forcing it. My brain had disengaged and I hadn't yet reacted to his return, I was well aware of that, but could do no more than stare at him. 

"Come on, get out of the rain," Abigail said, tugging him by the elbow until he was underneath the shelter, standing a mere few inches away from me, gaze still fixed on my face, his eyes trying to read mine. "I gotta tell the others!" Abigail added, then she was rushing into the house, calling out. 

In the moments we had alone, Arthur reached for me, and I met his hands with mine, entwining our fingers. His shoulders dropped and the creases between his brows softened, then he leaned forward, his forehead kissing mine. 

"My Angel–"

"I thought that you–" we both began, then laughed breathily. That was as far as we got. 

"Hey, Arthur!" Uncle cheered, stepping outside, joined by everyone else inside who seemed equally pleased to see Arthur. I stepped back, turning to face them. Everyone crowded around, clapping him on the back, guiding him inside, I watched as he was whisked away from me, surrounded by his family. 

I followed the crowd inside, watching everyone hug him, silently resenting the fact that I hadn't had the chance to do the same. 

"Where on Earth have you been?" Uncle questioned as a chair was pulled out and Arthur was pushed down into it, a cup of water thrust into his hand. Arthur's eyes scanned the room until he found me. 

"Some island somewhere. Uh, Guarma, I think it was. Washed up there when our ship went down," he explained. 

"So that was your boat we read about in the papers," Lenny pointed out. Arthur downed the water and handed the cup off to an outstretched hand. He was then plied with a bowl of stew. I leaned up against the doorway and felt an easy smile cross my lips at the sight of him. Alive. Right there in front of me. 

"I guess," Arthur mused. 

"We all thought you were gone for good, laying at the bottom of the ocean," Uncle admitted and everyone looked at him with a warning in their eyes. "What? Ain't my problem none of y'all would admit it."

"Well, we nearly was. We all made it, though. The others'll make their way back over the next few days, we thought it best to go one at a time, draw less attention. I volunteered to leave first, I had to–" Arthur explained, his eyes settling on me again. 

"Dutch is still alive?" Someone asked, and Arthur nodded with a mouthful of food, a look coming to his eye that I couldn't place. It wasn't a positive look, that was all.

"And Javier. And Bill," he murmured, then with a tone that nobody had to question, "and Micah."

"We buried Hosea. We got his body back and gave him a nice send off," Abigail told him. Arthur looked at her, slowed his chewing, and nodded in silent appreciation. His demeanor shifted further at the mention of his name, and my heart hurt to look at him that way. 

"The horses all came back, Kieran's been doing a fine job of taking care of 'em," Mary-Beth announced when the silence became uncomfortable. Kieran squirmed under the attention but Arthur nodded at him once. 

"Thanks, Kieran," he murmured. 

"Just doing what I do," Kieran breathed, a lopsided smile on his face. 

"How 'bout I get some water warmed up for you? You really do look like you've been washed up on an island," Miss Grimshaw chuckled, then headed outside. 

"Thank you," Arthur called after her. After a few moments people seemed to realise that staring at him while he was eating wasn't exactly making Arthur feel comfortable, so everyone moved to give him some space and murmurs of conversation filled the room. Charles came up behind him, patting him on the shoulder and bending down to speak to him.

"Good to have you back," I just about made out over the noise in the room. Then Charles' eyes peeled up to me, an expectant look in them. He smirked and pulled a chair up next to Arthur, knocking his knuckles against the back of it.

"He's all yours," he told me. 

[totallynotlx]

Since this quarantine stuff is making me a bit bored even though I’m mostly working from home I’m doing an art challenge! It’s bee a few months since I practiced and I’m not really good to begin with so yeah, this is just so I can see my improvements.

Mostly it’s draw something everyday. Poses, clothes just anything! And go from there! I dunno how effective this will be but I guess this too is an experiment xD

Progress under the cut coz this is gonna be freaking long af alkdflsdkfjlasfd

Day 1: Proportions with Shapes (Tracing over + Redrawing)

*I’m seeing the guidelines better after the third try (notice the first one trace and redraw)

Day 2: Poses + Details (Tracing over + Redrawing at the bottom)

*I found a trick at drawing thighs and legs! Also discovered that I still suck at arms and torso size lakfdjlasdjflsdf

Day 3: Arm poses! (Trace + Redraw. No deets this time coz I wanna focus on the arms)

*I really looooove drawing the thighs in a round triangular shape. That way I can see/estimate where the knees would be

*Another challenge! Sitting poses are hard to do laksdflaskdfj

Day 4: More arm and poses! (Redraw, no tracing)

*Everything turned out great... except the one on the lower left... which has weird feet/legs. Ugh

[squirrelly831]

Encountering His Crush [Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook]

Sorry they are mega long, but I had an idea and rolled with it. Also, the title doesn’t really do it justice, but really had no idea how to name this reaction... I may fix them up in the future, but for now enjoy a little bad boy au and let me know what you think~

You can find Taehyung’s here.

Enjoy~

Jimin

Danielle was on her way to gather her things. She was stressed out with theater practice. She was the lead of the musical and her counterpart, as good looking as he was, pissed her off to no end. He couldn’t harmonize with her and wanted to show her up even though the play wasn’t a contest. As she stormed the hall, she heard a beautiful voice singing. Danielle slowed her steps as she wandered down the hall to find the person who belonged to the voice. She stopped outside the music room and peeked inside to see one of the bad boys of BTS, Jimin, on the windowsill looking out. He belted out the song as he sat there not thinking anyone was watching him.

As he finished the song, Danielle rushed into the music room flushed and shocked. Jimin cursed as he jumped at the sudden intrusion. She tried to form words as she thought of what she wanted to say, but only mumbles left her lips.

Jimin stared at her as he leaned back against the windowsill, “You look like a fish out of water.”

“You can sing.”

Jimin’s lips twitched as he held back as laugh, “And you have working ears.”

“That’s not” she sighed as she shook her head, “I didn’t mean it sarcastically… You just bring that out of me.”

“Lovely.” His lips fell in a tight line. His head tilted in her direction as he watched her with no expression, “Lucky me.”

Danielle took a moment to gather her thoughts before she approached him, “Do you know Rewrite the Stars?”

Jimin shrugged, “Who doesn’t?”

“Many apparently. Sing it with me.”

Jimin wore a puzzled expression as he looked back at her, “I’m sorry… I thought I heard you say to sing with you.”

“I did. Or” a smirk played on her lips, “Or are you too shy” she mocked in a high pitch voice.

Jimin’s eyes darkened as he shot her a glare, “Fine…”

After the song, the two were just inches apart and Danielle let out a shaky breath, “You have to be the main lead.”

“I’m sorry? What?”

“For our play! The current lead gets of my nerves and can’t match my pitch, but you can!” She grinned as she thought of how better the play would go with Jimin.

Jimin stepped away from her and crossed his arms, “I’ll pass. I’m not trying to be some theater geek.” He went back to the windowsill and looked out the window.

“What if I can convince our teacher to drop your detention?” She saw his eyebrow twitch in curiosity through the reflection. “I mean, if he knew you were helping out, I’m sure he could let you leave. Or” she shrugged as she turned to the door, “You can stay here. Suffer through two long hours of doing nothing.”

Danielle took a step outside the room counting in her head to five. “Wait.” Jimin called out. She looked back at him and he took a breath, “If you can get me out of here, I’ll do the stupid play.”

She grinned, “Great. Tomorrow after school. Meet me in the auditorium.”

“Ok…But you better keep your word, Dani girl.”

“Call me that again and you can spend the rest of the year in here” Jimin held up his hands as Danielle made her way out the room. Jimin watched her leave with a smirk on his face. He hated the idea of being in a play, but if it meant he could get Danielle, the only girl who blew him off, to pay attention to him… maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

Leading to the performance, Jimin and Danielle weren’t quite friends, but their sarcastic ways toned down towards each other. Their sarcasm turned to mindless teasing and flirting that drove them both up the walls.

The day of the play, Danielle met up with Jimin and was shocked by his new blonde hair, “Whoa, you look—”

“Hot? Desirable? Sexy? All the above?” He smirked. He eyed her costume and nodded in approval, “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks?” She felt a blush begin to form. “Also… I was going to say good, but never mind.”

Jimin chuckled as he got closer to Danielle, “You don’t look so nervous. Don’t the leads typically get the most worked up?”

It wasn’t a lie. Danielle felt like she was eating her heart out for more than one reason. The play intimidated her, but so did Jimin’s sudden blonde appearance. It was hard enough for her to practice with him every day as she found herself falling for him, but now he looked ten times hotter and it set her on edge. She hummed, “I could say the same for you. You’ve never performed before.”

Jimin’s lips curved in a smile, “Really? I think I perform pretty well everyday.” Danielle’s eyebrow rose as her face shifted into a look of confusion. Jimin’s finger traced up her neck to her chin and he pulled her head up to look him in the face, “I have to perform everyday and pretend I hate you because you’re too stubborn to admit you like me and want to kiss me just as bad as I want to you.”

Danielle cleared her throat as she looked away from him. She heard her name and looked to see her friend giving her their cue that they were about to start. She bit her lip, ruining her lipstick, and looked back at Jimin. “Make this play a hit and you can get that kiss you want from me.”

Jimin smirked as his brow rose, “I was already planning to, but since I get a reward, I guess I really have to now.” Danielle let out a small chuckle as she turned on her heels. Jimin watched her walk off as he thought about her lips on his at the end of the play. He couldn’t wait for the curtains to fall.

Jungkook

Mijin froze in shock as she absorbed the words Jungkook spoke to her outside of school. They were at the gate drawing the attention of their schoolmates as they rushed out of their prison. “Can you repeat that?” She finally answered.

Jungkook’s head rolled as he tried to keep his blush from finding its way on his face, “Do you wanna go out with me?” He scratched the back of his head as he heard Taehyung whistle from a distance.

Mijin didn’t know where this was brought on. She had never really spoken to Jungkook though they had been in the same class for years. She knew Jungkook’s reputation for fighting and being a bad boy who ditch class or cursed out teachers. Mijin was the exact opposite. Top of their class, not a single backbone in her body, and a regular dictionary definition of a goody two shoes. She played with her braid that rest on her shoulder, “Umm…” Her eyes looked at everything that wasn’t Jungkook as she tried to fish for a reply.

“Just a date” he spit out. “Trial date. I know this is sudden, but I’ve liked you for a while…”

“Me?” She couldn’t believe that. Someone as good looking as Jungkook having so much as a crush on a girl like her. This could be a trick… How many shows or stories has she read when the bad boy makes a bet with his friends to bang the nerd? What did she have to lose? She had a crush on him, honestly what girl didn’t in their class, so the worst that could happen was she could be used… She wouldn’t sleep with him.

“It’s okay if you wanna say n–”

“Why not” she spoke as he began to ramble.

Jungkook’s words caught in his throat as he grinned. He let out a throaty sound as he looked back at his group of friends, “SHE SAID YES!” Taehyung and Jimin hollered as the older ones shook their head at how hyped the two were. Jungkook looked back at Mijin and let out a shaky breath, “You won’t regret this, I swear you won’t. I’ll text you and we can set up a day for a date.” He hugged her quickly and she could feel his heart pounding before he pulled away from her. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

As he began to run off, Mijin laughed, “Jungkook!” His breath lodged in his throat as he heard his name slip off her lips. He looked back and Mijin held up her phone, “Don’t you need my number to text me?” Jungkook covered his face as a blush broke over his cheeks and he returned to collect her number.

It had been five months since that day and Jungkook and Mijin were going strong. However, even though they were dating, Mijin couldn’t get Jungkook to go to class all day long. She was lucky to get him to go to three class at least in the day, but she would collect his homework that he would do with her.

As they sat at a table outside a neighborhood cafe with her homework, they were approached by a group of high schoolers from a different school. Jungkook’s smile he wore washed away when he noticed the group. Mijin noticed the tenseness between the Jungkook and the guys. One of them eyed her before he winked her direction. Jungkook stood abruptly ready to swing, when Mijin acted.

“Can we go?” She stuttered as she fixed her glasses. “It’s kind of hot out here.”

Jungkook looked back at her and he stepped back from the group, “Yea…” His jaw clenched as he stared them down, “Let’s get out of here.”

Mijin hurriedly gathered her homework and stuffed it in her bag before she flung it over her shoulder. Jungkook took her hand and the two fled the cafe with exaggerated kissing sounds and whistles echoing behind them. Mijin was thankful that she didn’t have to see Jungkook fight. She was pacifist as it was, but she also didn’t want to see her boyfriend get hurt over something so stupid as some guys being jerks.

That evening, Jungkook and Mijin walked down the street hand in hand. Jungkook’s attitude had improved from the previous encounter and the two were talking and laughing together.

“Well well, if it isn’t Jungkook and his girl again.” Mijin’s shoulders stiffened as she heard the voice from the alleyway. It was one of the guys from earlier and he was with another guy from the group.

“Fuck off” Jungkook cursed as he stood in front of Mijin protectively.

The guy chuckled, “Oh, so mean. What do you say we make a truce? We don’t kick your ass if” he looked at Mijin lustfully, “You give us a pie–” His words were cut off as Jungkook swung and punched him in the jaw. The guy let out a dark chuckle as he held his jaw, “Oh, you’re going to regret that lover boy.” The two guys lunged at Jungkook and Mijin screamed as she jumped back. The attack led them into the alleyway where they ganged up on him.

Jungkook fought back as best he could under the circumstances, but having punched and kicks from two different angles.

Mijin gripped her phone as she tried to find her voice, “HEY!” She screamed getting the two guys’ attention, “I already called the police. They’re coming” she stuttered.

The guys tsked as the one who held Jungkook by the collar let him go. “You’re lucky your bitch saved you.”

She stood there quivering like a leaf as the two guys stalked off. “Jungkook!” She ran to his side as she saw him slide down the garage door. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Jungkook refused to meet her gaze as he rocked. “Fine” he growled. She reached out to check him, but he slapped her hand away, “Leave it alone!” He barked. Mijin jumped at his harsh words, but she refused to leave his side. “Fuck” he pulled at his hair as he leaned his head back giving her a view of his busted lip, “I couldn’t even protect you and here I am asking you out.”

Mijin took his hand gripping it tightly as he tried to free it from her grasp, “I don’t care about that. I don’t care what others say about me.”

“Well I fucking do!”

Mijin leaned up to Jungkook’s face as she took his head in her other hand, “And I appreciate that, but I don’t need you getting into fights on my behalf.” Her thumb traced his busted lip. “Come on, we should get your lip cleaned and check for bruises. Can you stand?”

Jungkook reached out and his hand went behind her head. His other hand went to her wrist and pulled her back to him and kissed her. He hissed at the pain of his lip, but he refused to break the kiss. Her hands support herself as she pressed her palms on his chest. He broke the kiss and let out a breathless laugh, “How is it you make me fall more in love with you every day I’m with you.” He didn’t wait for a reply as he kissed her again and took her bottom lip in between his teeth.

Part I | Part II

Credit to gif owners

Written & revamped by Squirrelly831

♕ REQUEST

☮ BTS MASTERLIST

∞ ULTIMATE MASTERLIST

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Lost In Translation Michael x Reader Pt 1

Warning: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts & Self Harm

Word Count 4, 433

//All the memories remain of the pain broken your broken home

And the walls that your heart grew so strong

You can't let go

You keep crawling on

Won't let it go

You keep holding on

To feel whole//

“Y/N, Babe?”

Y/N shook her head forcefully pulling her attention away from the bedside window. Her eyes snapped over to Michael, who looked back at her worriedly. His hand was on Y/N’s arm, having shaken her. She blinked rapidly and looked about the room frantic. She lowered her head and sighed when she saw the same room she’d been occupying since her accident.

Still here.

Y/N blinked her eyes a few more times clearing her vision, before looking back up at Michael.

“Huh?” she asked “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention...” She spoke quietly almost at a whisper, a hint of rasp in her hoarse voice. If Michael were not sitting in a chair directly at her bedside, she most certainly would not have heard it.

“You were spacing out again,” He said gently “are you feeling alright?”

Y/N frowned and looked back to the window and stared at her reflection. Her brow furrowed. She’d been doing that a lot lately. She just couldn’t seem to keep her concentration on anything these days...

“...Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

She didn’t answer, instead focusing on Michael through the windows reflection. Not daring to look him in the face, she watched his hand move down to her own, and felt a reassuring squeeze. Michael was worried. Painfully so. Y/N knew even without seeing his face. Her eye’s slowly drifted back to his, and she had to force herself to look away again. It was all she could do to keep herself from getting teary eyed. If she looked anywhere else, she wouldn’t be able to hold it together.

She didn’t feel like she was going to full out start bawling... but Michael had that special way of getting you to release your emotions over things you didn’t notice were bothering you. Like all those times you would come home after a bad day. You would manage to make it through and the subsequent ride home, full of people asking if you’re were alright — without even a trace of tears — but the second she’d walk in the door, Michael waiting and asking how your day was… there went the water works.

It was quite a nostalgic feeling, really, and normally would have been a welcomed liberation for anybody — but he had done this nearly everyday for the past three months Y/N had been in the hospital. The Amateur therapy sessions were growing old, and quite frankly, starting to drive her mad. Not to say she didn’t appreciate Michael's concern and care — but she was beyond fed up with daily interrogations.

Y/N retracted her hand abruptly and sunk back into her hospital bed, eyes snapping back to the roof just outside her window, and remained unresponsive. She wasn’t in the mood to talk. She hoped Michael would get a clue… However, despite common misconception, Michael cannot, in fact, read minds. (A shocking revelation, I’m sure).

“How are you really?”

Y/N cringed.  “Fine.” she rasped.

“What about the nightmares?”

She folded her arms and pouted “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Michael paused “...You didn’t sound fine over the phone.”

Y/N said nothing, but gave his reflection a stern glare.

Michael cocked his head and his expression grew more worried. “From how scared you were I thought something was bothering you. That’s why I came all this way —” he closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head ”and I don’t mean it like that …” he reassured “I’m just worried there’s something you’re not telling me. It’s not good to hold it all in .” he finished, as he reached for Y/N's hand once again.

“I said i’m fine .” she  insisted, snatching it away.

Michael stared at her shocked offense, almost ready to deliver a biting response. He opted instead to sit back in his seat with a defeated sigh. He shook his head. There was absolutely no reason to fight, and he wasn’t going to push any further. They were both stressed at this point.

So they sat there in silence. Y/N desperately avoiding eye contact as Michael simply looked through her — though it felt like he was staring at her. Judging her. Searching for… something. She could practically feel his incriminating eyes crawling all over her skin. Y/N rubbed her arms as if attempting to get warm, trying to subdue the sensation dancing up and down her limbs.

The seconds ticked by. The silence only grew more awkward, and atmosphere uncomfortable. Either of them could barely breath in such thick tension. It was beyond suffocating. She thought they would have to sit there like that for the rest of the visit. She began to sweat, feeling inexplicably anxious all of a sudden. Though, before that seed could grow any larger, Michael, thankfully , spoke up.

“I have something here i’ve been meaning to give you.” he said, breaking the tension

Michael started to move, turning around in his chair and reaching for a bag behind him. Y/N subtly watched the other out of the corner of her eye, anxiety all but melting away, morphing in to modest curiosity. Michael slowly and delicately unzipped the large tan bag, and began digging through it.

He now began refilling through it more thorough and deliberately, struggling to find… whatever it was, and after a few more moments seemed to find what he was looking for. However, he was having difficulty pulling it out. He yanked on it roughly as he continued. It almost looked like he was having a tug of war with someone of the other side.

With one final two handed yank, he freed it from its prison, holding up the present in triumph. Wrapped in thin brown paper and topped off with a thread bow (the kind you can only get from old timey stores.), was a suspiciously rectangular looking object, nearly as big as Y/N's head.

Michael handed it off to her quickly. Y/N almost fumbled it, taking two hands to hold properly. The paper crinkled and wrinkled in her hands as she help it. She lifted it up and down in the air as if gauging its weight. She then squeezed it. It was surprisingly thin for what she expected it to be, and was quite heavier, too... Well, only one way to find out for sure.  She slowly and carefully untied the string and pulled away the paper. When all was removed, what lay beneath was a beautiful, cherry red — just as she had expected — book.

Not a normal book, however, but a journal. Though the leather cover, partially carved out with a beautiful paisley design, was awfully fancy for something used for everyday writing. The pages were quite extravagant as well — too thick to be average paper — stained pink with golden lines instead of the traditional blue.

Y/N thought it a beautiful (and probably expensive, knowing Michael) gift… but she wasn’t sure what he expected her to do with it. She wasn’t exactly an avid writer — nor a writer at all. She looked back up to him with confusion.

“I know it’s not really your ‘thing’ anymore,” Michael said, making air quotes “and you don’t really write anything outside work, but… I was thinking maybe you could keep a diary? So you could have something to “talk” to — y’know, while we’re away.”

The other didn’t respond, instead looking back to the book in thought.

“Or y’know,” Michael said awkwardly “You could write stories — or even draw in it! The Diary thing was... just a suggestion...” he spoke with a hint of uncertainty, as if unsure of his own idea.

Truthfully Y/N felt the same… but she thought for a moment. Michael was definitely right, she hadn’t written anything in quite a long time — though she used to love it. Her ‘best’ work was probably something she jotted down when she was five (and she likely hadn’t improved since then…), though that didn’t mean she couldn’t pick it up again. She’d definitely consider it at the very least. Especially if it was an alternative to Michael’s ‘counseling’ sessions. Y/N would do anything to get out of those.

Though, this likely could also be some type of ploy by him. She won't talk to him , so he gives her this book to ‘talk’ to instead. Maybe even using it as a proxy… Y/N shook her head at that. No, for as pushy and overbearing as Michael had been recently, she still trusted him. He wasn’t one to invade people’s privacy — even if he genuinely believed the situation called for it. It was one of the many things she respected him for.

“No, it’s fine. ...I like the idea,” Y/N said quietly, finally speaking once again.

Michael perked up a bit “Oh?”

“Yeah,” she nodded “i’ll give it a shot.”

Michael's shoulders lowered as he visibly relaxed and his cheery smile returned. Y/N answer must have relieved him, but there was still a hint of worry in his brow. She wasn’t really surprised, Michael had been more than worried the past three months. But… something seemed a bit off today. It was like he was trying extra hard to hide it — and he very rarely hid his emotions. Though… maybe Y/N was just imagining things…

She slumped and looked back to the window.

“Baby, i’m so sorry,” he said, standing up to leave “I know I usually stay until visiting hours are over, but the cooperative is calling me, and I can’t blow this off again.” he leaned over Y/N  and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “I promise i’ll call you tonight before bed.”

She didn’t bother facing him “Alright.”

Michael turned to leave, but stopped halfway to the door. He stood still for a second before turning back around and walking back over to kneel beside Y/N’s bed. He grabbed her hand one last time, and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“I know things are hard right now, but I promise everything will get better once you get out of here.”

One more kiss on the head and ‘I love you’, and he was back on his feet and out the door. He had waved good-bye, but Y/N didn’t bother watching him leave. She couldn’t anymore. Once you see that same scene 10,000 times over, it changes from bittersweet to heart wrenching. She almost cried every time she watched him go, and being the last time she’s see him for a while, she would cry more than usual.

Y/N carefully set her new journal to the side and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging them to her with both arms around them. Resting her cheek on her knee, she stared out at the afternoon sun as it began to set. The slowly fading light lit up her hospital room in a wild orange so vibrant it rivaled the color of her h/c hair. She’s been desperately wishing to feel those warm rays upon her skin, but this is the closest she would ever get to it for a long time.

“Once you get out of here.” Michael’s promise rang in her head.

She turned her head and rested her opposite cheek on her other knee, and looked back over to the journal, as if it had spoke to her. She put a hand on it’s cover, feeling it’s texture before selecting a random spot to open to. She flipped through its pages absentmindedly, a soft, cool breeze emitting from the motion. She did this a few times. Pick a spot, flip flip flip flip, let the book close, do it again. Over, and over, and over.

“Once you get out of here.”

Lord knows when that will be.

It’s only been about a week since Michael gave me this journal, but I already feel like i’ve wasted it. He gave it to me in hopes I would use it as a diary, but, I’m not really sure what I would write. I’ve never kept a diary before, and I don’t write all that much to begin with. Quite frankly, i’d say i’m terrible at it.

I used to write songs when I was really little, and I enjoyed it a lot — but that was a long time ago. Besides, it’s different. It’s not like writing poems, stories or anything like that. Those take actual effort, and I’ve never even so much as gotten motivation or inspiration to write those kinds of things… It just doesn’t come naturally to me.

Thinking about it, I actually  prefer drawing over writing. I’m about talented as a writer as an artist, but at least I have fun doing it… However, Michael didn’t bring me a sketch pad and brand new row of pencils, he brought me this journal. Doodling on such fancy paper like this would just be wasteful, especially considering I only have a pen at my disposal. Could have really used a pencil, Michael .

Anyway, like I already said, I have no clue how to keep a diary... but I don’t mind giving it a shot. I’ve never been one to bottle up my feelings, and i’m not too shy to so much as write them down, so I don’t really have any reluctance — well, other than my subpar writing abilities. Though, to be completely honest, i’m not 100% sure if i’ll end up fully committing to this or not (I tend to drop new things as fast as I pick them up), but i’ll at least make an effort to keep at it. Who knows, maybe i’ll look back at this one day and be really glad I did.

Well, My name’s Y/N. Y/N Langdon, and i’m your average 25 year old. I love music, anime, reading comic books, plus the occasional novel. My favorite color is aqua, I love eating pasta, and that’s pretty much it. Well, all I can think of for basics anyway…

I enjoy jogging, sports, anything outdoors but you can’t exactly do anything, let alone even go out when you’re stuck in the hospital… Well, I could theoretically sneak out, but nurse Tweedledee and Tweedledum are already scary as is, and I DON’T need them chasing me down a dark hallway in the middle of the night (even if it would be a good form of exercise). Besides, I couldn’t jog regardless even if I wanted to right now.

...

Anywho… that’s all I really have to say about me. I don’t have much more to talk about, and my lunch will be here soon so i’ll have to wrap up quickly anyway. I’ll make another entry whenever.

August 31st 2:00 P.M

It’s been a few days since my first entry, and I only just remembered this poor book even existed…

After ending my last entry and the nurse handed my lunch off to me, I accidentally dropped this thing on the floor while I was eating, and it landed under my bed. Luckily the cleaning lady came in while I was in  therapy and found it lying on the floor, and picked it up for me. I probably never would have known it was missing if it wasn’t for her.

I’m actually real lucky she didn’t just throw it away. The staff here have tossed some of my things before (including my favorite hat and phone charger, I swear it’s like they have it out for me...) without asking, and i’m genuinely surprised they didn’t strike again.

Also... I didn’t actually date in time my last entry when I initially wrote it, only deciding to date them today , so I had to make a guess. It could have been last Monday or maybe even two weeks ago, I don’t know. Time passes you by really fast in this place so all the days end up blurred together. Plus I tend to nap a lot so sometimes I wake up around the same time I fell asleep, and it feels like no time passed at all… You can really lose yourself when that happens, so I thought logging my entries might be a good way to keep track of it all.

Anyway, in the time between today and — whenever the heck my last entry was — not too much has happened. ...As in nothing. Nothing At all . It’s really the same old same old in this place. The same exact routine with absolutely no new surprises. It’s almost like the same day repeating over and over and over. Nothing interesting ever happens.

It’s actually kind of weird for a hospital. You’d think at least a few new patients would get admitted every day, but there’s no one. I mean, it’s not like i’d really know for sure since I have my own reserved room (never have to get stuck with a roommate, woohoo), but I pay attention to the sounds outside my door. I’ve never so much as heard doctors rushing through the hallway, or a bed being wheeled away. Now, this place isn’t really the highest rated hospital in LA… but it’s not anywhere near run down, either. I don’t know what the deal is. For all I know, Michael forced them to sanction off my wing so i’d be the only one here.

…

Well, while that’d be pretty funny and over the top... now that I think about it, it’s probably just my hearing… It hasn’t exactly been in the best condition since… well, you know what I mean.

Like I was saying, nothing ever happens here and it’s boring as all hell. The most exciting thing that’s happened in the entire time i’ve been here, was one time when my doctor showed up late because he got in a car accident. He was perfectly fine, just a little fender bender, but I tell yah that really got my hopes up. …Uh, I didn’t want him to get hurt or anything... I just though he’d have more of an interesting story to tell during check up. All I ended up getting was a five minute explanation on how insurance works… Honestly, serves me right for wishing bad on someone.

...

God, and I will never get those five minutes back.

September 1st 2:23 P.M

Y’know, even though nothing happened, I still kinda wish I would’ve at least written something in here. Even if just only a little bit, like now. I have so much free time anyway, and this gives me a few minutes in my own little world. A disconnection from… here . ...So I think i’ll take another crack at writing everyday. Afterall, it was my original goal. I pray this thing doesn’t fall under the bed again before tomorrow...

Well, here’s to hoping.

—

September 3rd 1:50 P.M

Okay, y’know what, scratch that. Writing everyday isn’t very realistic — especially for me — so it’s not gonna happen.

Like I said the other day, this place is boring . Everything’s the same, nothing ever changes, and nothing ever happens. Trying to force myself to write when the day gave me absolutely no substance is just a waste of time, and i’m not nearly talented enough to pull inspiration out of thin air. Plus, it just feels wrong. It’s like running a marathon right after skipping breakfast. You’re just running on empty. No good will come of it.

I actually really like writing, so forcing myself would probably just make me hate it in the long run. So i’m not going to. I’d rather be bored a few day’s out of the week than the rest of my time here because I got sick one of my only forms of entertainment.

—  3 Months ago…

“What would you give to feel alive again?” The question comes out of nowhere. Probably from the trash can of random thoughts from your brain. The question bringing you to the here and now.

Y/N has that melancholy expression resting on her face like a veil that inched out from her skull. “To feel alive?” she runs the words through her smooth voice, mulling over the question. Michael leans back from across  you on the other side of the cushions. The mute TV screen emits a faint glow over his face. “You say that like I want to.” she retorts. Michael raises an eyebrow, “Okay, let’s assume you do.”

He meets your eyes in slight confusion, and his grin falters testingly. “What would you give?”

Michael doesn’t say anything for a while. Neither do you. The silence nearly becomes sickening as you watch an ad you don’t care about roll across the screen in front of you. The fake enthusiastic voices echoed indifferently in your ears.

You take another swig of the alcohol that burns your throat. You used to wish the liquid would just stay there and choke you.

Sometimes, the emptiness was too much.

You see Michael’s head swivel towards you, and his face is full of something you don’t recognize. “Y/N? Are you…okay?”

“What?” You ask drunkenly. Shit, you must’ve said that aloud.

“Why do you sound like this?” His voice nearly sounds pained, and you feel like you’re the confused one here.

“Why do I sound like what?” Feign ignorance. Brilliant idea, Y/N.

Michael makes a frustrated noise in his chest and he stops talking, shaking his head and looking straight at you as though you would snap to through at any moment.

“I just don’t get it, Y/F/N Y/M/N Langdon.” He’s using your full name. You’d typically snap at him for it, but you’re too drunk to care. “I don’t get you. I don’t get… us.”

That peaks your interest. “What do you mean, us?” Things have been strained you weren't in denial of that, you had been in your head more and more lately the depression getting the better of you. It's clear you needed help and Michael could tell shit your actions alone practically screamed it.

Self harm is where it began.

Think of that word, and what comes to mind?

Cutting. Maybe burning. Maybe even starving yourself. But these—they all tend to leave physical marks, physical evidence of the harm you have induced.

But there are other ways, too. Ways that are less noticed, less visible.

There are scars on your body, yes. The classic wrist, of course, slightly elevated and white scars in neat and clean lines across your wrist. They've been there since you were young. Being told countless times, over and over again that you were nothing, she were worthless... something was bound to happen.

But, once again, self harm is not all visible. Not like your family ever noticed your cuts, no, but you simply... moved on from it. It didn't give you what you needed, didn't solve the problems that you set out to solve.

The cutting worked at first, though. Just a young teenage girl, hurt and crying and then you had a crazy idea and suddenly a pair of scissors are in your hand. There's a brief thought, barely even there, telling you that you shouldn't do this, shouldn't hurt yourself like this, that it'll all get better and you'll be fine, but the thought is gone just as quick as you got it and the blade is running over your skin.

You watched yourself bleed, bleed on to the precious marble table top. Your crimson blood glistened in the lights of the house and it was captivating, but more than anything it felt as if you  could see the pain in your arm, in your wrist. It began with a small sting, like a pinch, like a shot. But as your blood dribbled down your small arm, the pain burned, blossomed into something bigger, something worse, something that captivated Y/N.

It was a... a throbbing sensation, almost. Like a painful pulse in your wrist, a pulse that was pumping more and more blood out of your body. It felt warm, both the blood and the burn that the cut gave, warm, and that's what Y/N liked, you think, you  liked how warm it was.

After you did it, though, a wave of guilt crashed over you. You cleaned up the dried blood both on your arms  and you bandaged yourself up, but when no one, not a soul not realized your cut, you didn't feel guilty anymore. You kept doing it, some cuts deep, some shallow, but only a few, a select and strategic few, deep enough to leave scars. It releases your sadness and your anger and it made you feel more relieved.

And then it didn't.

The burning sensation goes down and down, and suddenly it's not hot and it's not cold and it's just not anything, nothing at all. It's a pure numbness that, when you close your eyes, it isolates Y/N from the society she despises so much. It isolates you from the echoing words of Michael. Your body is screaming at you, screaming at you to stand up and run away and take a warm shower and drown yourself in whatever heat you can find, but you ignore the voice, ignore it all and allow a white noise to wash over your ears instead, focusing on how your body feels, focusing on the numbness your arms feel, a matching numbness in your heart.

But self harm... it's not just physical, either, is it?

You can hurt your brain directly, too, make yourself feel worse and harm yourself in ways that feel stupid, make you feel stupid, even more stupid, and that's exactly what mental self harm is.

It had started out... a bad couple of days, is how you would describe it. Depression rooted deep in your core. Every morning it was a struggle to get up, a struggle to talk to someone, a struggle to live life, and eventually you  just... stopped.

The words echoed in your mind—'horrible,' 'stupid,' 'weak,' 'pointless,' 'useless,' 'normal'—and keep you in bed, keep you from going anywhere unless your going outside to the cold, the peaceful and caring and frigid biter air.

And still no one knows the silent cry for help.

[tjstephsworld]

Writer's Doubt

Hii, so this is something I posted in my fic and I thought that maybe I should also share it here. I want to raise an issue that has not only been bothering me but also is a norm for other people out there.

I'm going to talk about doubt. And not just any type of doubt but Writer's doubt.

So what is this writer's doubt? In my own definition, writer's doubt is this bitch ass nigga inside critic that's always waiting for you to start writing a book or you're in the middle of one to start whispering really nasty things into your ear about how your work sucks balls and how you should just quit and force a cat to live with your miserable ass. A more proper definition of it is an inside voice which makes you have second thoughts about your work and causes you to feel like a terrible failure.

How does this writer's doubt work? Well, it begins when you're just sitting there, in front of your screen or paper, getting all excited about what to write and then Bam! Some little shit inside your head starts saying bad things about your manuscript and what do you know? You begin to doubt your work, think about how it's not good enough, compare it to other successful books and what happens in the end? You stop writing and start feeling worthless, like you're wasting your time and talent. The final result, you fall either into depression or you just quit your writing career.

I'm saying all these because I've been there. In fact, I've battled with it many times than I can count. And man does it suck! 

How does it start? I have no idea. The bitch just sneaked up on me and suddenly, I began feeling like my fanfiction wasn't enough. I'd compare it with other books in the same fandom and that only made me sink even deeper into depression. I'd ask myself, why am I not good enough? Suddenly, writing didn't seem so exciting as it was. I felt ashamed of my fic. At one point, it got so bad that I actually contemplated on deleting it. I even told myself and I quote "I should've just stayed being a reader instead of writing this shit" (No offense to readers who are not writers, you guys rock too).

But I didn't.

And I'm glad I didn't because if I did, I'd still be crying and shoving peanuts down my throat right now. (I stress eat sometimes).

So, I finally snapped back into my senses. I even managed to write a chapter while I was feeling doubtful about myself. Some are probably wondering, 'hey didn't you say that you can't write while having writer's doubt?'. Don't worry, I'll get to that later.

I decided to write this because, even though it's inevitable, I'd never want any other writer to experience it. I can't tell you how to avoid it because, truth is, it can't be avoided. Even if you get over it, it'll always come back again and again for as long as you decide to stick to being a writer.

So get comfortable! Because Mr.Writer's Doubt will see you now!

(jk jk 😂)

For all the readers who are aspiring to write a book, writing a book at the moment, already completed a book and are planning to start another, I'm pretty sure you're aware of what this bitch called Writer's doubt is. 

I'm going to offer some few tips on how to overcome this doubt just in case you ever find yourself in such a situation. I'm not going to explain so much about them because they're pretty simple to understand. So!:

1. Don't compare your book with other people's work. This will only give you a high blood pressure from the increasing doubt. Don't look at other books' achievements, comments, follows, kudos, bookmarks, likes, hearts, views, reads or whatever. I admit, I've done this during my 'dark days' and it didn't help with anything. It just made me feel even more shitty. So don't. But if it's just harmless looking around, it's also cool. Just ensure it's not doing any harm to your self-esteem and confidence.

2. Don't put yourself down with negative comments about yourself. This is even worse than hurtful critic from others because you know yourself better so these comments are likely to hit a home run and make you cry. Don't listen to that negativity in your brain. It's bad.

3. If your work has comments, especially the positive ones, read them from time to time. This will only show you that people actually love and enjoy your work. So......why can't you? Also, you can ask a friend who's read your book to tell you what they think about it. If it's a good review, well then. If it's bad, choke the life out of them. Jokes. If it's bad, don't give up, even if it hurts. Just work to improve it then ask again for a review on the edited version. If you don't have a friend to ask then tip number 4 is yours.

4. Love yourself. I'm talking about treat yourself to the good things in life, compliment yourself everyday, think about how blessed you are, take yourself out, hang out with friends, travel to another country, get a tan, buy a whole truck of nutella, write yourself an autograph. And most of all, love your art. Be your number one biggest fan. Delve in its magnificent beauty and slowly, you'll find yourself start to love it again.

5. Write. And this is the most important one of all. Don't stop writing because of that bitch. I know, I know, when having doubts it's hard to write but you just have to force yourself to do that coz come on! You're a writer! Do what you do best. And that's to write! And if writer's doubt sees that it failed to stop you from writing, it'll shut up, go back to its cave and wait for another moment to strike (coz it will).

Well, those are the main tips on how to deal with that. It's a very widely discussed problem that faces a lot of writers and I just wanted to emphasize more on it in case there's someone out there who's wondering how they can stop hating on their work. Writer's doubt has been the cause of many dreams being killed. If I counted how many books I've deleted because of it...they're so many. I didn't start writing now so you can imagine how many failed projects I've had behind me. 

Another issue. Accompanied side by side with doubt is fear of judgement. Dude! What're you afraid of? I know you're afraid that 'Oh no! If I write smut the readers are going to think I'm a perverted person with no life' or 'Fuck! If I write about temple sacrificial practices and demons, I'm going to get a cross and a Bible thrown at me' and other shit. You wanna know something? Don't give a shit! Write what you want to write.

You'll be surprised as to how many people will like your stuff no matter how weird you think it is. I mean, have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey? It got so popular yet there's a part where Anastasia has a butt plug in her asshole. A butt plug!!! And people love every moment of it. (I'm one of those people, sue me). So, see? No one cares. Just write to your heart's content and you'll be surprised with the result. If you want to release your inner freak, go ahead. Just don't go overboard and offend anyone intentionally because you're trying to prove this point.

Please don't let doubt kill your dream. There's nothing as horrible as seeing someone who's lost their spirit and dream. It's sad. And I don't want anyone to experience that. I wouldn't want anyone to delete a piece they've put several hours in, lost sleep over, cried over, stopped being social over just because of self-doubt.

Now I'm not only talking about writers, I'm talking about everyone. If you dance, sing, write music, draw, play instruments, play sports and all the like. Don't let doubt kill your dream. As I said before, you do you. Be the best there can be.

Doubt is real and it's scary. Don't let it win.

I know this is a long and probably unnecessary speech but at least I got it out there. I'd be glad to know that even if this message only managed to help one person, it still counts. Because a dream should never die because of doubt. I almost killed mine. And I'd have never recovered if I did. So don't let yours do.

Dream on and continue fighting.

[bluesakurablossom]

Life's Gift of Love: Miley's Love Story

Chapter 3 Sky's Pov... Banging my head side to side and my hips swaying, I listened to my favorite songs on my speaker as I cleaned up my work station. I dusted my shelves of paints as I spun around getting into the beat of listening to "Need Your Love by Shaggy" and I swayed towards my reclining chair and sprayed it with furniture polish and wiped it clean till it was all shiny. I straightened out my canvases of spin art work on my wall as the best part of the song came on and I began to sing along to it while dancing all around the room. I need your love, I need your love, I need your lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love I need your love, I need your love, I need your I need your love, I need your love, I need your lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love Let me love you o-o-o Wo o-o-o, wo o-o-o Let me love you o-o-o I need your love, I need your love, I need your lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love I need your love, I need your love, I need your yes, mi amor I need your love, I need your love, I need your lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love Let me love you o-o-o As I did a final spin leaning back singing the last line of the chorus, I stood up giggling but then without warning, a face was staring at me through my small window I had and I shrieked and fell backwards doing a flip on my chair landing on the floor with a thump. I quickly got up and looked over and saw Mikey staring at me with a huge grin. "Nice moves! You got groove dudette!", he said, with his voice sounding muffled behind the glass I quickly went over sliding the window open. "Dude seriously?! You scared the crap out of me! I thought I was going to have a heart attack!", I said, sounding a bit annoyed "Sorry", he said, smiling sheepishly "I didn't want to make anyone see or hear me, I thought you were alone, besides I got distracted by your dancing" I took a breath, knowing he didn't mean to do it on purpose and that he was only watching me. "It's okay, and sorry, I had no idea you were coming by down here", I said "I was in the neighborhood", he said "Just chilling out, I'm sorry I scared you" "Its cool, just let's make a further reference to make some kind of signal to let me know you are going to sneak up on me", I said, smirking "Yeah right", he said, rubbing the back of his neck sounding awkward "Here come on in, my boss just left and its just you and me", I said, walking back to my tray Mikey started to wedge his small but yet thick body in through the small window, wiggling like a worm trying to get out of the dirt. "Wait how did you even know where I worked?", I asked "Well it was the only tattoo shop that was on your block here", he said, craning his head to look at me "Mmmmmm point taken", I said, shrugging my shoulders nodding "Sorry about the mess I was just cleaning up my place by the time you had gotten here" "Nah don't worry you should see my room, its way worse than anything!", he said, jumping inside "I can imagine", I said, giggling He closed the window as he started looking around my work station. "Hey nice gig you got Sky! I love the street art", Mikey said, looking around "Oh thanks, yeah when I first got hired here we were allowed to design our own station how we wanted to", I said "I always saw graffiti all the time when growing up, so I used my artistic skills and made it look like graffiti, but the good kind that police wouldn't arrest you for" "Were you always this good? These are awesome!", he said "No surprisingly not, I stunk at drawing", I said, giggling "I was never any good at it" "Seriously? But it looks like you have been doing this all your life", Mikey said, surprised "Nope", I said, shaking my head "All my artwork was scribbled, slanted or just plain out messy. But I never gave up on it, I took art classes in school to improve till I got my tattooing license" "Well you certainly got quite an artistic view my friend", he said, sitting on my chair kicking back "Thanks, doodling in my notebook when the teacher did a boring lecture in class did bring in some extra practice", I said, cleaning a needle "That's something I would be doing if Leo gave us a boring lecture about the whole ninja thing", Mikey said, laughing "Oh? Who is Leo? A friend of yours?", I asked "He is actually my older brother", he said "I got three of them, I am the baby of the family" "That's cool, I wish I had siblings growing up", I said "They can be a bit of pain in the shell though", he said, shrugging "Got two of them fighting most of the time, and one that causes explosions from doing crazy experiments and using my stuff as test subjects" "Wow, not your typical siblings you would hear about", I said, surprised "Yeah but even though we do have our differences we still love each other deep", he said "Well that's always what matters", I said, smiling "No matter how crazy the relationship might be" "I wouldn't call it crazy, I would say its more insane", he said, snickering I couldn't help but giggle. "Well you are sure are lucky, that sounds better than having to do things by yourself all the time", I said, looking away "What do you mean?", he asked "I was kind of left to myself growing up, really kind of like the kid who had to grow up quick at an early age and take care of herself", I said, cleaning a needle with my rag "Why?", he asked, looking at me concerned I sighed and gulped hard, this subject was always hard to bring up to anyone, as I set my rag and needles down on the tray. "Because of my parents splitting up", I said "I was kind of forgotten in the whole process" "How come your parents split up?", he asked "I really honestly don't know", I said, shaking my head "It's just like one minute everything was okay and then the next moment it goes to shit" "Well that doesn't sound right", he said "Don't you still talk with your parents?" "Mom hardly anymore since every time we talk it always ends up in an argument and dad haven't talked to him since he left us", I said, shaking my head "That doesn't make any sense", he said "Just getting up and leaving like that" "You are telling me", I said, nodding my head I looked down and stopped with my cleaning with my rag. I stood still what seemed like an eternity until I finally felt myself moving, but it was small movement, my lip quivering. I then began to shake uncontrollably as emotions began to build up inside of me. "Sky?", Mikey said, worriedly I tried to put on a straight face as I looked up at him, trying not to make it obvious. "No, no its fine Mikey, I am okay really", I said, with my voice sounding like it was cracking "Hey, come here", he said, holding out his arms out to me I didn't think twice of walking to him as I wrapped my arms around him and he brought me into such a warm embrace that was filled with comfort. "Just let it out Sky, just let it all out", he said When he said those words, it was like a chain reaction and everything that was bottled up inside of me for a decade had finally been released from the damn. I started to cry into his shoulder as the years of pain, sadness and loneliness poured out of me. As much it hurts me, it felt good to finally have someone be there and let me take everything that was torturing me everyday out of my system. I was worried I was making this uncomfortable for Mikey, but all he did was just bring me close to him and his hand rubbed my back in soothing circles, encouraging me to keep going. "It's okay Sky, just let it all out, I am here for you", he said, softly Although I only cried for another good ten minutes, it seemed like I was crying for hours. I honestly would not have let my emotions spilled out if Mikey was not there. I slowly pulled away from him but he kept me in his arms as I let out shaky breathes while Mikey rubbed my shoulders helping me calm down. "Are you okay?", he asked "Yeah, yeah I am good", I said, nodding my head "I am sorry, you just get to a point where you hold it in for so long, it just finally breaks" "It's perfectly fine Sky, everyone needs to cry every now and again", he said "Yeah, but I should of done that a long time ago, you know I am going to be honest with you", I said "I haven't cried in ten years" "Seriously?!", he said, looking shocked "Just couldn't do it", I said, shaking my head "I had to keep focused and keep moving, I had no time to grieve since I was so busy taking care of myself and other things" "I can't believe you held it in for that long", he said "I am surprised myself, it's just I really don't know why I lost everything so fast, it was just out of my reach when I wanted to fix it and make it right and it's just not fair", I said, feeling my eyes fill up more with tears Mikey gently took his hand and wiped away at the falling tears down my cheeks. "Hey, don't worry, it will get better", he said I nodded managing to smile a little bit. "I do hope so too, thanks", I said, nodding "You feel better now?", he asked "Much better than what I have been feeling in this past decade", I said "It feels good to finally let it all out" He smiled. "Hey I think I got an idea, wanna head down by the shores for a little while? If you have nothing to do, you know to get your mind off of everything", he said I looked slightly away thinking about it for a moment till I smiled up to him. "That sounds really nice, I would love to", I said, nodding in agreement "Great!", he said, enthusiastically, making me giggle "I have never been down there before and I really always wanted to go" "Seriously? You haven't?", I asked, surprised "Not allowed to, could be seen", he said, shrugging "Well tonight we can make it an exception", I said, grabbing my bag "Cause I know the best spot where you won't be seen" "You sure?", he asked "Have I ever stirred you wrong?", I asked, giving him a cocked eyebrow "Well we did just meet only two days ago", he said "Close enough", I said, smiling "Come on, let me lock up and we can go!" I made sure all the lights were turned off and security system was up and running before peeking outside the door, making sure no one was around to see Mikey. "Coast is clear, come on", I said, looking back I walked out with Mikey following close behind me as he jumped up swinging on the tattoo parlor lit up neon sign and swung up to another building on the rooftop beside the shop, then looked down at me. "What are you doing up there?", I asked "Be safer, don't want to get spotted, always do this when I am out", he said "Ahhh okay then, follow me, its close by here", I said, walking away I walked on the sidewalk, occasionally looking up to see Mikey was doing all these cool moves while moving across the rooftops. He made it look so easy to do, though if I did it, it would probably leave me with a broken bone or possibly pushing myself to an early grave. I slipped on my aquamarine Aeropostale zip up hoodie as it started to get breezy out and made sure that my green bandanna with white flowers on it was tight around my head, not wanting it to fly away. Walking for a few more blocks we made it to the sea side, I looked up to see Mikey had flipped down trying to do a smooth landing, but had hit a flagpole that was hanging off of someone's balcony and he shrieked as he landed hard into a dumpster, with the lid closing down on top of him. "Mikey!", I called out, worriedly He then opened the lid up with his arm, giving me a dizzy look, like the one you would see if someone was seeing stars floating around and gave me a thumbs up. "I'm okay", he said, with his head spinning He fell backwards with the lid closing in on top of him. "Oh brother", I said, rolling my eyes walking towards the dumpster After Mikey recovered from his leap of faith, we walked down the board walk and climbed down the stairs getting down on the sand. "We made it", I said, smiling "It looks way better than seeing it from a distance!", Mikey said, looking around "This is awesome!" "Race you to the water!", I said, shoving his shoulder playfully I took off running across the sand looking back seeing Mikey wasn't too far behind me. "Hey! No fair Sky, you got a head straight!", he called out, trying to catch up "Snooze you lose big guy!", I called out, running backwards before running forward again "Catch me if you can slowpoke!" "Oh its on girl! Just wait till I get a hold of you!", he called out I laughed as I did a cartwheel showing off since I was far enough ahead where I didn't think Mikey would be able to catch up. But I guess I showed off too soon as Mikey started to come straight at me like a bullet and I shrieked trying to pick up the pace as Mikey laughed trying to grab at me with his arms. "Who is the slowpoke now?!", he said, with a smirk "No! No!", I said, laughing and screaming He then finally caught me as he grabbed my arms bringing me to him, but he tripped in a hole in the sand and before you know it we were both rolling over each other continuously on the damp sand, grunting. We finally came to a stop as I landed on top of Mikey and we both looked at each other now covered in sand and we both struggled not to laugh, but we then suddenly bursted out laughing our heads off. "I feel like I just came out of being buried alive", I said, laughing "I feel like the Sandman put too much sand on me", Mikey said, snickering "I might sleep for an entire month!" "Wow for a turtle you sure can run fast", I said "You are no slouch yourself", he said I giggled as I slid off of him as Mikey sat up and a gush of wind smacked into us. Mikey tried to block the wind with his arm while I held on to my bandanna with my hands and scrunching my face up. "Yikes very windy tonight!", he said I opened my eyes slightly to see, but then went wide seeing what was in front of us. "Sandstorm!", I said, pointing straight ahead A huge whirlwind of sand came straight for us as the wind blew hard. "Duck!", I yelled "Yipe!", Mikey said We turned on our stomachs with Mikey's arm going around me as the sand blew over and around us as we hid our faces down, avoiding the flying minerals. When I felt the wind had finally died down we both slowly started to sit up. "Woah that was close", Mikey said, shaking off some sand from his shoulder "Too close", I said, giggling shaking the sand off of my bandanna I then noticed something out of the corner of my eye that looked like a small ditch and something shining out of it from the glowing moon up in the sky. "Hey what's that?", I asked, crawling over "What's what?", Mikey asked "There is something buried here", I said, moving closer I began to move some of the sand that the wind had blown away and I gasped amazed. "Woah Mikey, look what I found!", I said "It's a nest!" "No way! Seriously?!", he said, quickly coming over to check it out "It's a sea turtles nest", I said "Look all these eggs!" "Woah that's a lot of eggs! How many are there?", he asked "Probably a good hundred in here, that's the average size of any sea turtle", I said "I wonder what species it might be" "Well I think we might just find out", Mikey said "Look one is hatching!" One little egg on top of the clutch began to move and we both moved closer to get a better look. The top of the egg made a slight crack and a little black head poked its head out. "Come on you can do it, move your way out of there", Mikey said, encouraging the baby It then gave a few more wiggles before it made it out of its previous home and slid down over the other eggs and began to look around. It had a little hard black shell and light grey flippers and I then realized what species it was. "They are leatherback sea turtle eggs!", I said, surprised "Look there are more coming out!", Mikey said, pointing The sound of eggshells cracking filled the air as the baby turtles wiggled their way out of the protective shells they have been growing in for months as they started to explore the outside world. "Awwwww they are so cute!", Mikey said, completely adored by the little hatchlings while laying on the sand "They sure are", I said, agreeing I noticed one was on its shell wiggling about as it tried to get back on its belly flapping its little flippers. I gently picked it up with my hand turning it over on its right side. "There you go little fella", I said, putting it back on the sand The baby turtles then started to make their way over the small dunes of sand which seem huge to them out towards the ocean. "Where are they going?", Mikey asked "They are off to start a new life, out into an unknown world of discovery", I said "Let's hope they make it", he said, watching them go over the sand "Come on, let's follow them", I said, crawling behind them "Hey wait for me!", he said We both crawled on our stomachs following the little hatchlings in front of and beside us, as if we were turtles ourselves. Well count Mikey as already being one. Over the sand as they made it closer and closer towards the edge of the water. "They are so tiny, I wasn't even that small when I was little", Mikey said, looking at one crawling over a little dune "And to think, if most of them make it out there, they will grow up to more than seven feet long and weigh nearly as much as a car", I said "Wow that's huge! That's bigger than my brother!", Mikey said, amazed I giggled as we made it closer to the water and we watched all the baby turtles swim to the water and being swept away by the current. "Good luck little dudes and dudettes!", Mikey called out "Let us know what you find out there!" "If only they could Mikey", I said, shaking my head smiling I then got an idea as I saw one of the inflatable boats with a motor attached to the back on the dock. "Hey I got an idea, come on", I said, getting up and running towards the edge of the dock "We can head out there and see if we can find more critters" "Wait up!", he called out He followed close behind as I jumped in the boat with Mikey hoping in front. "Light it up captain!", he said, doing a salute I started up the motor as we began to quickly move out into the sea. "Wahoo! This is awesome!", Mikey said, holding his arms out imagining like he was flying through the air I couldn't help but giggle at his behavior of imitating the scene in the Titanic. "Hang on Mikey, you don't want to go overboard!", I called out, laughing We drove the boat out till we were out where you could just see the beach and I could hear splashing being heard. "Hey there is something out there!", Mikey called out, looking back at me "What is it?", I called out "I don't know but its really big!", he said I took a peek beside him and from the glowing moonlight on the surface of the water, I could see slender white animals jumping out of the water as they landed diving back down. I thought at first I was seeing dolphins, but as I looked closer they were much bigger than dolphins and as one jumped up again making a shadow in front of the moon I couldn't help myself but get excited. "Woah beluga whales! I have seen them from the shoreline but never this close!", I said As I moved the boat closer, two of them dove under the water while two others jump out of the water, diving back down into the dark abyss of the water. When I stopped the boat and there was no sign of them as the water settled and there was silence. "Where did they go?", Mikey asked "I don't know, they were just here", I said "Maybe we might of scared them with the motor" "Wait there is one!", Mikey said, pointing Suddenly one appeared on the surface and began to swirl around, as if it was dancing and we both started laughing and then it blew air out of its blowhole and swam closer to us, poking its head above the surface before it dove down. Then the others started to swim around us and one as it dove down swung with his huge tail on the surface of the water splashing us both. "Hey!", Mikey said, shaking himself free of the water I giggled and then one suddenly came straight towards us and it jumped out of the water flying over us and the boat. "Wow!", I said, amazed "Cool!", Mikey said, sounding excited like me The other whales started to swim around us and started to jump out of the water splashing us repeatedly. Like we were in our own splash zone. As each whale breached landing down on the water, we both got soaked to the bone but we didn't care, we were just laughing and laughing at the performance. One more then came out in front of us leaning backwards and splashing down in front of us, making a huge wave splash on top of us and even making the whole boat sway back and forth before it settled, making us both shriek with laughter. "Oh my god!", I said, giggling "Dude I am soaked!" "Me too! And I thought you get more soaked at Sea World!", he said, shaking his head from the water Then the whales appeared in front of us, poking their heads out beside the boat. "You guys sure got skills, but nice job on getting us wet", I said, petting on its head "Yeah dudes, that was awesome!", Mikey said, petting one too One then jumped more in the water where it was at my eye level moving its flippers side to side, like arms moving to me. "Awwwww sure, you can have a hug", I said, hugging it gently for a few seconds before it dipped back down in the water One swam up towards Mikey till it flipped on its back showing its underbelly and Mikey gently stroked it, as it held itself still. "Awwwww they are adorable like the little turtles!", Mikey said, looking at me "These whales are very social with human interaction if they are out here, but I have never seen a pod that was this social", I said, stroking one's head "Let alone will allow you to actually touch them" "I guess we are considered lucky tonight", Mikey said "Yeah really lucky", I said, smiling The whales then dove down as the tide started to come around again and they began to swim off into the moonlight. "Bye you guys!", I called out, waving "Hope we will see you again soon!", Mikey called out As if by coincidence one whale stuck its tail up in the air and waved it side to side, like it was waving back to us as we both laughed. "Now that was awesome!", I said "Totally! Great night on the sea side!", he said "Come on, let's head back to shore", I said, as I started up the motor I stirred the boat towards the dock as we rode along the waves carrying us faster. We ported the boat where it was last put and we climbed back on the stairs to the top of the boardwalk. We decided to go hang out at my place for a little while before Mikey had to head home. As like how we walked to the shore, Mikey ran along the rooftops while I walked on the sidewalk below. I was listening to my music on my phone through my earbuds jamming out, not acknowledging anything and I learned my lesson of not to do that, as my leg ran into something causing me to loose my balance. Luckily I had caught myself on a wall catching my breath. Mikey seemed to have noticed me trip as I saw him quickly jumping down on the staircases of a fire escape landing in front of me. "You okay Sky?", he asked "Yeah I am cool", I said, giggling "That was my fault, I was jamming out, whatever was in that box sure is heavy for it to make me nearly fall on my face" We looked over seeing the small box, but then we suddenly heard a noise coming from it, making it shake slightly. "Uh did you just see that?", I asked, a bit confused "Yeah I did, what the heck was that?", he asked, looking at it freaked out I moved closer towards it as it moved again, this time pushing up on the closed flaps on top of each other, making us both flinch back. "Okay something is definitely in there", I said "What if its a snake?! Like a rattlesnake?! Or a cobra?!", Mikey said, in fear "There is no is snake in there", I said, laughing "We would know if there was one in there" "What if there is one in there? It could like lunge out at us!", Mikey said, laughing "There isn't, there is no hissing or rattling", I said, giggling "It's probably jumping beans or something Mikey, someone probably delivered it and they are waiting to get it in the morning" Mikey cautiously went to the box and began to tap on the flaps of the box. "Maybe there is nothing in there", he said "Knock knock" I then noticed one of the flaps of the box push down inside. "Wait push that flap down a little more because I have my flash now", I said, taking out my phone and turning on the flashlight "Maybe I can get a better look" He pushed down on the flap as I got down on my knees and peered inside and then a pair of glowing eyes met mine and a twitchy nose looked up at me. "It's a bunny!", I said, looking up at Mikey quickly "Its a bunny Mikey!" "What?! Oh my god!", he said, shocked "Look!", I said, pointing inside He peered inside and gasped as the little rabbit poked its head out of the opening. "Oh my god, its a little rabbit!", Mikey said "Here hold this!", I said, handing him my phone He took it as I started to open up the box and inside was the cutest rabbit I have ever seen. It was a good size that can fit perfectly in my arms, with black and brown patches with black hairs and a cute pink nose with long whiskers and long black ears. "Is there anymore in there?", Mikey asked "No its just this bunny", I said, completely awed The bunny stood up on its hind legs resting its front paws on the rim of the box and I carefully picked it up as it tried to climb on me. "Awwww that's a cute one!", Mikey said "Oh my god hello!", I said, petting its head gently "You are so freaking cute!" "What do we do with it?", Mikey asked "I don't know its just Mikey oh my god!", I said, struggling to hold my tears as well as my awe "Oh my god! Who does this?! Mikey, he is freezing, he is shaking in my arms!" "Oh he is scared!", he said, petting his back as the bunny curled up more in my arms "You know what he is coming home with me", I said, tucking him into my jacket "Yeah definitely go with you!", Mikey said, nodding eagerly "Can't believe that, who would dare do this to you?!", I said, kissing the bunnies little nose "Oh my god! We just rescued a rabbit!", Mikey said, running up beside me "Jesus Christ, the little guy could of died out here", I said, looking at him "Is he okay?", he asked, looking inside my jacket "Looks like it, he is settling down, I will have to give him a good look over when I get home", I said, pulling him closer to me "Climb up on the rooftops, we will head back to my place" "Gotcha dudette!", he said, running off into the alley and jumping up to the top I did a quick walk with Mikey following close beside me from up above as we headed back to my place. Luckily we didn't have to walk too far before we made it back to my place. I quickly walked up the stairs and went inside my apartment and it wasn't long before Mikey came in through my back window, climbing inside. "Get my blanket, off the couch!", I said, as I quickly went to the thermostat Mikey quickly got my thick blanket off the couch bunching it up as I turned up the heat to make it warm up quickly. The air started blowing soothing warm air as I got the rabbit out of my jacket and into the blanket. Mikey bundled him up rubbing him gently to warm him up. "Keep him still I am going to see if he is going okay", I said I did a physical check on the rabbit to make sure he wasn't injured or showing any signs of illness from being out in the cold. "I think we just saved him in the knick of time", I said "He doesn't appear to have any injuries and no signs of contracting any illness" "Oh that's a relief!", he said, letting out a huge sigh "He just needs to warm up", I said "Keep him in that blanket for a little while, he needs to stay warm, I'm going to see if we can make him eat a little" I went into my fridge and I grabbed a few pieces of parsley, a baby carrot and a leaf of kale and went walking back into the living room and I smiled seeing the bunny sniffing at Mikey's face. "He feels like Lola and Iggy", he said, chuckling I giggled. "Here baby, I got some food, you must be hungry", I said Mikey turned the rabbit around as I held out the piece of kale and the rabbit quickly bit at the fresh vegetable and started eating it like crazy. "Oh you were starving honey", I said "Poor little guy", Mikey said, looking sadly at him "Why was he left out there?" I sighed. "I am afraid it was human ignorance and lack of care, respect and love for this little guy and decided they didn't want to care for him anymore", I said "How could they?", Mikey said, sadly "That's just...terrible" "I am not so sure why Mikey, but I hate to say this, but this happens everyday all around the world", I said He looked at me scared and then down at the rabbit and he held him closer, afraid that he was going to be taken from him. He petted him along his head and back, and rocking him side to side. He looked like a child that was scared during a thunderstorm, hugging his beloved stuffed animal to him for comfort and security. "Mikey", I said He looked up at me with small tears in his eyes. "But there are people out there who are trying to stop this, so that it never has to happen again, like what you and I did tonight. We saved his life and he is going to be okay, he won't be alone anymore and he will be safe from harm and will feel nothing but love", I said "Really?", he said, hopefully "Yes, I promise", I said "Are you going to keep him?", he asked "I am, besides I have been wanting to get a rabbit for quite some time and he is just the sweetest thing I have ever seen", I said, scratching his ear "He will live here with me, better for him anyways than leaving him out there or taking him to a shelter" "Yes!", he said, in a victory voice I giggled and the rabbit looked up at Mikey and began to sniff his face again as he laughed. The bunny then began to chew on his mask tugging on it with his little teeth. "Hey cut that out! That's my mask", he said, laughing I laughed along too. "Be warn Mikey bunnies love to chew on anything", I said The bunny then jumped down from the couch and began to hop around, exploring his new home. He sniffed at my furniture and rubbed up against it and without warning he binked into the air and began to run around. Mikey and I laughed as he ran around the couch several times. "What is he doing?", Mikey said, looking over the couch "He is happy, rabbits do that when they are really happy", I said The bunny then stopped running and he then flopped against the baseboard. We both couldn't help but awe as he was trying to catch his breath from his burst of happiness. "Oh my god, he is so adorable!", I said "What should we name the little guy?", Mikey asked "Mmmmmm well since you were the one to find him, why don't you name him?", I said "Awesome! Mmmmmm let's see", Mikey said, getting on the floor and looking at the bunny as it sniffed his face and climbed on to the back of his shell Mikey looked to be in deep thought of trying to think of a name, tapping his fingers on the hardwood floor, as the rabbit jumped down from him and sniffed his face. The glow of the white moon came in through the window as it made the whole room shine white casting a shadow on everything. "Hey I got it!", Mikey said, snapping his fingers "What?", I asked "How about Usagi?", he asked, looking up at me "Usagi? What does that mean? Is it Chinese or something?", I asked, curiously "It means rabbit of the moon in Japanese", he said, pointing towards the window "And since the moon is out and its casting out on him" I looked out the window briefly seeing the moon, then looked back down at the rabbit. "Usagi, I love it!", I said "Usagi it is!" "Yes!", Mikey said, doing a fist bump Now the known rabbit named Usagi went hoping towards Mikey as he carefully picked him up and scratched the back of his ears as Usagi licked the side of his wrist. "Woah that feels weird", he said, watching him "Awwwwww how cute, he has complete trust in you, he loves you", I said Mikey smiled up at me and he began to pet Usagi more smiling, as Usagi enjoyed the affection by laying on his chest. I just smiled. You know I haven't smiled this much in ten years and it was all because of this guy. Mikey seemed to be healing my wounds and broken spirit not like anyone else could. I don't know why out of all people I have been with or seen, that this out of the ordinary person, a stranger of the outside world could make such a difference in me. Maybe this was a sign, a beacon of hope, that maybe I was suppose to meet him and that he was the one to help me bring out of my sad and depressing life. Maybe he is the friend that I have been finally waiting for.

[monochromemedic]

I’m really sorry things have been frustrating for you! I understand that. I’m here if you’d like to talk! And if this helps, I’m not sure if it will, but I remember you saying recently that your grandmother has really been enjoying your art and saying that you’re doing good! Try to hold onto the things that she’s said, close family understands best. If there’s anything I can do, I’m here as well!

yeah i know. I sound like a huge hypocrite kinda. I just see stuff others do and i'll be honest i'm envious, jealous. I see them do something like a pose and think 'they do that, why haven't YOU done that pose, or make that look that good, look at all these people doing more daring stuff why haven't you' and I feel like i'm just lazy or i'm not trying hard enough, i'm not experimental enough. and lately it stings because for maybe a month now i've been forcing myself to draw everyday even a little. do a study, gesture drawings, draw something new been doing all of that but even then it feels like it's not enough or studying wrong. I feel like a kid getting into a hobby and there's a million people better that just know stuff and can do so much and I'm here trying to make circles. I know improvement isn't instant but I found some of my old art from maybe 2014, when I had my first account on tumblr like way back when. My art was shit sure and I've improved god yes but, if it took 6 years to get from that to where I am now that seems like so long, how long will it take until i'm happy with my art? I mean probably never, what kinda artist is happy with their work? Sure I wasn't doing studies actively since well forever and if I did them i'd be way farther ahead but it still seems like alot even without those studies. so am i just going to be practicing to slowly get better at art when i'm god knows how old and still not be happy? That sounds like hell like it's not worth it. and it makes me wanna give up but then again like i've said before i've drawn since I was little feels like it's all i know sometimes. I know i've been through this schtick a billion times and nothing changes but it still sucks to have them, makes you kinda weary, less confident just beats you down until one day I might just really be done. and that's scary because idk that's one less thing i can do, what am I if I can produce art? If I can't create?

[md3artjournal]

11:56 PM 5/1/2020

Lately, I've been listening to LucidPixul for some encouragement.  I've been feeling sad lately.  And art is always something I can feel additionally sad about.  I'm just not good at it.  But I think what's really worse, is that I don't think I want to work hard at becoming good at illustration.  Anytime I have to study and try to practice fundamentals, I just get frustrated, hate everything, and worst of all, often become horrible to anyone around me.  More and more, everything seems to reinforce that I should be quitting art.  Or maybe I should be just working on my other crafts besides illustration.  But isn't the fact that I don't naturally return to clay or carving or wire jewelry everyday, just more proof that I should be quitting art in general?  

Ugh.  I don't know what's my depression talking or what's realistic.  All I know is that when I decided to get into the art major, it was because it was the one class that I was eager to work hard and work above and beyond at, without prompting, and I enjoyed it.  That should have been the recipe or the best signal that it was the thing that I should do.  That's how I felt about writing, and I wanted to be like Rumiko Takahashi, the type of person who could do their own artwork for their writing.  But as usual, once something becomes a class, or in this case, a major, I end up hating it and not working hard at it anymore.  So what was all that initiative before about???

I dunno...  I'm not cut out to be self-employed.  It's been 8 years, since I decided to make a living off of art, and I've still been too afraid to open an online store or take commissions.  And with the coronavirus cancelling all the conventions this year and me not getting into AX artist alley for the first time this past decade, I can't exactly make money from in-person artist alley tables.  I should probably put more fervent efforts into signing up for fairs and looking for more conventions, but I have just as much anxiety about that, as setting up a website and dealing with all the customer horror stories I've hear from others, but first hand.  And online store would much better suit me, but I can't even do that.  

I wouldn't feel so bad about quitting art if the thought of it didn't make me so sad.  Maybe I'm not good enough to make a living off of art, but all the non-art alternatives make me sad.  I did that already.  I had the suicidal thoughts and stagnation, even while having an office job that gave me everything that everyone said people nee to be happy.  I had security, money, medical benefits, etc.  But I was still suicidal.  But if I can't do art either, then I feel really stuck.  I tried really hard, back when I had that office job, to shift my source of happiness to consumerism, just like everyone else.  I thought since it worked for everyone else, it would work for me too.  But I was still unhappy.  

But now it's becoming clear, I'm also unhappy doing art.  Every time I have these thoughts about quitting art, I'm reminded that 11 year old me wasn't wrong to think that maybe suicide was the only place I belonged.  I wanna go home.  

I once told my sister that drawing didn't actually make me happy.  And yes, I still hate that feeling right before scribbling on a page, knowing that any illustration I draw will still always be horrible, and not worth a salary or commission.  But as I drew more, the more cathartic and therapeutic it became.  I actually did feel happy while scraping pens across paper.  And I actually did feel worse, whenever I couldn't.  But I know my illustrations are still bad.  And knowing I hate working hard on fundamentals to improve my drawing skills, cements that I'll never get good.  Maybe I don't want to badly enough.  But during Inktober 2019, I found a style of chibi that I could find cute, even coming from my hands.  Not good enough to put on acrylic charms for artist alley at conventions, nor good enough for commissions or salary.  But they made me happy. They let me express my fandom and make something that was cute enough for me.  It's technically terrible, but makes me happy.  It's my trash, and I am trash for it, happily.  

But even that reinforces to me that maybe art should be nothing more than a hobby to me.  But then what do I do instead?  "What am I supposed to do with my life?" is a terrible question I hate saying, because there are so many things I'm "supposed to do", according to other people.  But I've been there before.  I want to know what I was meant to do; what'll make me happy.  Logically, the conclusion should be to try a whole bunch of stuff, until I get a better idea of where I want to be, where I feel like I belong and am supposed to be.  But I'm too afraid to do that much living.  

Again and again, my mind goes around in circles and always comes back to the same logical conclusion:  I should have suicided when I was 11.  But maybe that's just the depression talking.  Maybe life is just supposed to be a series of distractions, while waiting to die, desperately trying not to think about every single little thing reminding me of hurtful memories.  Maybe I could find fulfillment with art as a hobby, expressing almost exclusively my fandoms, during off hours from a job that only gives me money and nothing spiritually.  ...Or maybe that's just repeating the same situation that made me miserable in an office before.  

Maybe it's best to just not think about any of that right now...  

[truspine]

10 Healthy Habits for 2019

With the New Year, comes the new year’s resolutions ideas. One consistent new year’s resolution that pops up is implementing healthy habits into everyday life. Why are we so consumed by the idea of living healthy? What keeps this goal out of reach? Maybe because of the popular opinion that healthy habits demand too much of our effort and time. Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do but I hope you don’t mind if I make some suggestions.

We all have heard the quote “It is hard, but it is worth it”, when talking about good and healthy habits I think there is not better quote to be used. As always, the beginning is hard, and then it’s just habit.

But why is it important to live well? It’s simple, because we want to live long, and we want to live quality life. Our body is not just machine that needs fuel to work, it needs care too. And that care can be anything that makes you feel happy and healthy, both physically and mentally.

Here are our 10 healthy habits for 2019:

1. Breakfast

The word itself originate from both English words “break” and “fast”, and refers to breaking the overnight fasting period. It is the first meal of the day, and as many would say, the most important one. 

An average person needs 6 to 8 hours of sleep, and that’s equally to 8 to 10 hours of fasting, which is a long period without taking food. During sleeping period, body still needs energy, and that energy comes from the glucose in the blood. But the levels of glucose are limited, and in order for your body to function perfectly in the new day, you need to renew these levels.

Not eating breakfast can affect concentration, mood, ability to do physical and mental work, and weight maintenance.

Some studies suggest that breakfast decrease the overall calorie intake for a day.

2. Morning Walk

What’s better way to put in work those calories from that good breakfast, than morning walk? Not only it will affect your physical health, morning walk will do good for your mental and emotional health too. Walking for 45-60 minutes in the morning will improve your cardiovascular system, which include heart and circulation, and that will manifest on your overall health.

Some of the benefits of morning walk include increased energy for the day, increased mental concentration, positive mood and weight loss.

3. Stay Hydrated

An average healthy person needs 8 glasses of water a day. Every cell in the organism needs water to work properly, to cells water equals life. When you are dehydrated, organs work harder to achieve their goal. 

Water is best source to stay hydrated, but other drinks can help too. Especially drinks like teas, coffee and sodas that contain caffeine are really of use, because they act as diuretics. Foods rich with water are good too (for example cucumber, watermelon, tomatoes, oranges, lettuce, etc.).

Note: It is important for liquids to be taken gradually, so as not to burden kidneys and heart. 

4. Healthy Eating

This is the one healthy habit that is most difficult to achieve. Many people believe that healthy food is not tasty food, but it doesn’t need to be like that. Just google healthy snacks and you will find recipes that will make you mouth water.

You are what you eat. Aside from physical activity, this is the one habit that has a big impact on our health. And that impact can be good or bad. It all depends on whether you eat well or not.

You don’t have to say NO to everything you wanna eat. Start with small changes in your eating habits and with time go bigger.

5. Reduce Alcohol Intake

Although small amounts of alcohol are tolerable, bigger amounts can lead to symptoms that you don’t even connect with the alcohol intake. Some of these include insomnia, lack of energy, anxiety, decreased concentration, social problems, different health problems, etc.

Cutting down alcohol to fewer glasses a week will lead to many health benefits. You will sleep deeper and longer, concentration and energy will increase, your mood will be brighter, risks for some diseases will be smaller, and your long-term health will be better.

6. Stop Smoking

We all know the risk of smoking. Every smoked cigar overflows the body with toxins that affect all cells and tissues. The risk for many diseases is drastically increased and overall health is disturbed. It can even have implications on your social life.

If you have nicotine addiction try some less harmful options like gums or nicotine patches, and join local clubs that will help you while going through the withdraw period.

7. Visit The Chiropractor

Chiropractic is the art of using your hands to provide wholesome health. Chiropractic is a healthcare professional that uses active release technique and spinal manipulations to help take care of your spine. 

Chiropractic care will reduce the pain and stiffness in the back and neck muscles without the use of medications. They may give you advice on how to improve your spine’s health with good posture and home exercises. Other benefits include improving of the joint function and loosen up muscle and joint stress. Furthermore, scientific evidence suggest the positive effect of chiropractic in the treatment of headaches, ADHD, dizziness, high blood pressure, insomnia, gastrointestinal and menstrual problems and infertility.

8. Visit The Acupuncturist

Acupuncture is part of the traditional Chinese medicine. It is a form of treatment which involves inserting thin needles through the skin, in specific points on the body and can help you with your overall well-being.

It provides physical and mental relaxation and can be used in treating some conditions like headaches, migraines, muscle pain, osteoarthritis, neurological stress, painful menstruation, morning sickness, etc.

9. Do More Yoga

Although many people practice yoga because of its popularity, regular practice provides benefits for both physical and mental health.

There are different types of yoga and you should consult yoga professional to help you choose the right for you, or you can just try as many as needed until you find what’s best for you.

Yoga uses relaxation techniques that can help cope with chronic pain and insomnia. The benefits of yoga practice are wide, and include increased energy and vitality, increased mental concentration, better sleeping, weight reduction, improved cardiovascular health, reduced risks for some diseases, increased muscle strength and flexibility etc.

10. Make Time For Self Care

Whatever you do, it is important to take care of yourself. Set aside few hours a day or a few days a month and just be with yourself and do whatever makes you feel happy and complete. Read a book, listen to music, draw, look at the ceiling, it’s not important, just connect with your true self and find what you really love and need.

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