#I'm flaky enough that I can't commit to keeping up with too many things with every update | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lieslab · 2 months ago

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hey lie!! 🥐 anon here. This is a long-ish ask (is it an ask? not really but I don't know what else to call it) so I'm sorry in advance if I take up too much time or I repeat too many things. Also, there are triggers throughout this ask, but I've tried to censor them out in case anyone reads this.

Your Hyunjin post hits very, very close to home. My mental health journey has been long, treacherous, and I've struggled with my mind since a very young age. I've had what my friends have dubbed 'depressive episodes', but I've had those even before I've met those very close friends - and in multiple, I have considered su!c!de. In those moments when I have, my friends gave me reason to keep going, and I've never come extremely close to committing, but I do have a very close friend who has.

During a period of my life, my friend was experiencing a rough time at home. She was essentially attempting to k!ll herself via an 0verd0se of medication, but she didn't take them all at once - she wanted to have time to say goodbye. She was taking enough medication to have caused herself organ failure within a week, and she told no one except me.

This was a friend who I knew on a very deep level, and she'd told me about her family life before. In fact, we even bonded over our family lives and how similar they were, but she'd never, ever expressed wanting to su!c!de. I'd seen hints before, but I'd never expected her to go this far.

When she told me what she was doing, I was terrified. Thankfully, she stopped taking doses after a few days, but I was terrified. I distinctly remember going home that day and lying awake in bed all night, and the next day I was terrified when she wouldn't respond to my messages. When she did, it felt like a miracle, and I can't describe the relief I felt.

One of the scariest things about that was that her pain was quiet. It was there in the smallest details, and she was killing herself in the most subtle way possible. I never realised that she was swallowing p!lls with her water until I looked closer, and I will never forgive myself for not noticing her pain sooner.

I would have k!lled for someone to do what Hyunjin did to the reader in your post. I desperately, desperately needed someone to do that for me - to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that my friend would pull through. I needed to be told that she would feel loved and supported enough to trudge past that dark patch, and that even though she hadn't told any other friends besides me, that we (her friends) would be enough to help her past this episode.

Thank you so much for writing that request, even though I didn't request it. You have no idea how much it means to me.

-🥐 anon

My favorite flaky pastry is back!! Hooray!! You'll never take up too much time. I've opened up my page to be a safe space and it's not going to change anytime soon. I love it here and so do a lot of other people.

I'm glad you can rely on your friends. Good friends are so important to have. Community is always nurturing for the soul. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. When you have a rough life, it's hard to find the good in it.

Just like in the drabble, I don't think you should blame yourself. When we talk about mental health, sometimes we don't discuss how people can help when someone is in a crisis mode and actively harming themselves. It can be terrifying, ESPECIALLY when you're younger and unsure of what to do. If your first response is to shut down in a panic, I think that's natural for some people.

Sometimes, there's a fear of actually going out and telling someone to get help. Nobody wants to destroy a friendship with their friend. That fear tends to linger. There's panic, shock, anxiety, and a plethora of difficult emotions to navigate.

She probably told you because she felt the closest to you. I'm glad she's still with us and hopefully, she feels better. Now that you've been through it, I'm sure if anything like that happened again, you'd know to inform someone.

A parent, another friend, a teacher, and if nothing else works, call emergency services. Brains can be horrible to us. I've lived a lot of my own life with so much anxiety that in some situations, I panic and freeze up, too. I don't know what to do. It's taken me the past two years to try and focus on coping skills and working through everything. I still have notches in my soul from things I'm not proud of doing. There's situations where I think I'd do things differently if they occurred today.

I'm sure you'll have regrets, but self-forgiveness is important, too. If you're still friends with her, talking about the situation with her (only if she's in the right head space) might help. Sometimes, talking about feelings can be the best thing we do. Saying it out loud, scribbling every horrid thought in a journal, letting yourself feel the hurt and grieve that regret, that's okay.

Life is so long. You can have regrets, but if we flop belly-up and wallow in them forever, we'll focus on that regret for a long, long time, and we tend to forget that beautiful things still exist. Life is about balance. There can be hurts and you can grieve those hurts, just remember that people are still rooting for you.

I hope you read it as many times as you need to. Sometimes, we do things we're not proud of and that's just how it is. We can't take back our actions, but we can strive to do better in the future; let the aches of your past carry you into the blessings of tomorrow.

I hope you and your friends are here for a long, long time <3

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chrysanthemumpink · 1 year ago

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Koby is my favorite.

He's 6"2. Who am I kidding they're all 6' something. But Koby has the deep voice to match it. He's kinda mean but in a way, I kind of like it. I don't have to worry about what he likes or doesn't like. I'm also pretty flaky and dismissive in the beginning. My anxiety keeps me from following up on a lot of things. I cancel dates, don't respond to messages, ghosting episodes. I like how he commands attention in a way that stops all of that.

He's also a software engineer. And idk, I like having a man to match the job. Ever since I switched from art & academia to tech, I've been wanting to feel like I'm a fully a part of that world. And he does that for me. Koby also understands what I'm doing with my life & helps me with it. This tech job is scary, he makes it better

But Koby is 42, 12 years older than me. I talk a bit game about age gaps but lord knows I'm no stranger to them. But I've learned to at least wonder *why* older men aren't with older women. And part of me fears that his mean streak will get old.

Jeremiah is sweet.

He's 6'4, 33, and the manager of something. He's very funny and will bend over backwards to get me corn chips if I asked. I see so many possibilities in him. He likes the things I like, movies/music/anime. I feel relaxed around him and never regret anything I say.

But I said he's the manager of something because it really doesn't matter. He's got money, sure. But no connection to it. When I say I have to work, he doesn't understand why or respect it much. Not in the way that Koby does. He's cute but doesn't quite clean up the way I want him too. It's nothing I can't fix with a good haircut & wardrobe. And to that, I'd have to commit fully despite how I don't find him very motivated. I could also just tell him to be more ambitious. But how much do I want to change a man into something he isn't. Speaking of "a man," when I meet guys I imagine calling them "my man." Yes, it's heteronormative. But I do it. I see a romantic life & potential in Jeremiah. But I don't imagine he'd ever be 'my man.' Hed just be my Jeremiah if that makes sense

Adam made me realize 3 is enough

After breaking up with that pisces man, I kind of thought dating again would be hard. It wasn't. If anything, it was too much too fast.

I like Adam. I don't know him. But I wish I could give him the time he deserves. Hes 6'4 too. And a lawyer. He makes jokes that don't land but somehow that's funnier than the joke itself. He doesn't have any strong personality traits or interests that I can describe. Either he's too nervous or I haven't paid him enough attention. He also just texted me & the contact information reminded me that his name is Austin. But I'll keep using Adam to prove a point.

I actually really really like Adam. But unlike Koby and Jeremiah I see no romance in him. I wish I did. I wish I could go back and say "give me a month, if these 2 don't work out, I'll be back." But that sounds AWFUL.

And it literally has nothing to do with him. It's all about me & how I just happen to not be able to give anything else. He could be perfect for me and for someone else. Im just not in a position to figure it out now

After him, I stopped accepting dates & massages and paused all my profiles. I really just started as a way to distract myself and I guess it worked too well

#Leo x

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that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick · 4 years ago

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Me, at 6am, having stayed up all night writing 5k words: I never want to write again. Or at least not for a couple weeks.

Also me: OMGOSH THIS SONG WOULD BE SO GREAT FOR A PREQUEL FIC

Still me: ಠ∀ಠ

So yeah, I've been simmering this idea for a month or two now. It can be read as a standalone, but is meant as a prequel to my other fic, Blind Trust. The song is Waste It on Me by Steve Aoki ft. BTS and you should totally give it a listen!

Hurt/comfort, 1.1k words

Moving Saeran into the bunker was a deceptively difficult task. Mostly because he had limited possessions, clothes that wouldn't even fill a backpack, and, to top it all off, no bed to sleep in. So, the twins left to go shopping for necessities, leaving Vanderwood and MC to deal with the chaos of the bunker. They tackled various tasks to attempt to clean up the place as best they could, but eventually, there was only so much more that could be done without the items from the shopping trip. Naturally, then, the only thing to do was steal Saeyoung's snacks and collapse on his couch. After munching for a few minutes, Vanderwood broke the silence.

"I've got to ask. How on earth did you deal with all of the insanity—Saeran, the crazy woman, that blue-haired man, even Sev-Saeyoung—without losing your mind entirely?"

MC's face forced itself into a small smile. "Let's just say I have experience dealing with dysfunctional people."

Vanderwood hummed. "I won't ask unless you want to tell me."

She sighed. "It's not like it's not all in the past now. It's just not fun to talk about too much. Long story short, I've had one too many bad exes. One was a liar and a cheater. Another seemed nice until you realized he was a manipulative little snake—actually, that's an insult to snakes. Another expected me to just give up all my career plans to be his good little housewife. You get the idea. So yeah, I figure dealing with the dysfunctional is just a part of my life now, and I haven't dated for a while for good reason. At this point, trying to find 'love', whatever that means, is just a waste of my time."

"Well, first of all, I don't know how no decent men have seen your strength of character or your kindness despite the absolute trainwreck your circumstances seem to keep being."

MC snorted, but Vanderwood held up a finger before she could open her mouth. "Second of all, I know I'm the last person you should ask about love, but I do know this. Real love isn't like that. I hate to use Saeyoung as any sort of example, but I'm going to anyway. He may not have gotten much right, but joining the agency to keep Saeran safe was the real stuff, even if it didn't go as planned. Sacrifice just so that the other could live a better life, finding each other again under absurd circumstances, learning enough about each other to be able to come to a truce, finding ways to compromise. It may not be the same kind of love, but that's what love is, MC. Each giving all for the good of the other."

"Wow," MC finally managed to get out. "I guess it's been a while since that sort of thing even occurred to me. But it's not like it matters anyway, since I'm not likely to find anyone who's even decent to me, much less has that kind of mindset. So like I said, it's just a waste of time."

Vanderwood growled in frustration. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that you deserve good things and that those things aren't unrealistic?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you think it's such a waste of your time if you know what you want and what you don't want and if it could make you happy?"

"Because I've lived over a quarter of a century and not seen it once, Vanderwood!" Her voice broke. "Not once."

He gritted his teeth. "Fine then, MC. Fine. If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, why not waste it on me?"

His jaw dropped at the realization of the words that had just fallen from his lips. MC's eyes widened.

"Uh—I mean—"

"I don't know what to say. I've just...been single for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to have feelings for someone anymore. But I mean, you're attractive and all that. And quite honestly, you reminded me today of what love even looks like. So I think that's a good place to start."

"I...don't even know how to respond to that. I didn't even plan to ask you out today, much less expect that I'd get a positive response. I have to warn you, though, we won't be on even ground." MC groaned, but Vanderwood continued, "We won't be on even ground because you hadn't even considered dating me until today, whilst I couldn't shake my admiration for you since the moment you first opened your mouth. Believe me, I wanted to. But I couldn't ignore the grace and strength with which you handled the insanity involved in dismantling Mint Eye and the agency, one right after the other. It also didn't help that you were absolutely beautiful, either."

"Vanderwood, you know I can't promise anything serious. I'm willing to try, but you know my history. I have too many trust issues to be able to commit to anyone anytime soon."

"Well, I think that's something that I can match you pretty evenly in. I've been taught never to trust anybody. If I did, I could be a major liability to a mission. Because of this, if you'll excuse the invasion of privacy, I had Saeyoung scour your background in every way I could think of, because there was no way you were as good as you seemed. Yet, you came back clean. Absolutely normal. So while I know it's something I'm going to have to consciously work on, I'm willing to trust you as a person and trust your judgement. You can take whatever time you need, and I will put no pressure on you to commit to anything. But," he looked her in the eye, "don't think for a second that I'll treat you with any less respect and care than you deserve just because you can't promise commitment yet. Do you understand?"

MC's eyes welled up in spite of herself. "Yeah," she sniffed. "I'm. I'm just not used to this, you know? But I won't try to be flaky with you just because we're starting out with a casual relationship, either. I hope you understand where I'm coming from."

He pursed his lips. "I may not understand firsthand what you've gone through, but I've dealt with a lot of seedy men over my career, and I know what they're like. I also know that simply saying I won't be like them won't convince you, but I will do my utmost to prove it to you through my actions."

"Okay."

"Waste it on me?"

She smiled. "Yeah."

#my fic #my writing #mystic messenger #mysme #mysme fic #mysme vanderwood #vanderwood x mc

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