#I've spent the last few hours wanting to cry and refusing to really do it.

[blackwaxidol]

The reblog to original post ratio, oh the feng shui of my blog is truly fucked...

[ninothebirb]

WE WERE ONCE ONE

Content Warning: Angst, fluff, implied sex, gn!reader, one sided love, minors dni, cheesy stuff?, mental trauma, etc

Please read the previous chapters (1, 2, 3) and the prologue if you haven't already!

Chapter 4: You and me

Might be the last chapter I think.

You spent the next few weeks locking yourself up, refusing to interact with anyone. Jing Yuan would visit you everyday, only to be told by Bailu that you weren't taking any visitors. Until he snapped, and snuck into your room from the window instead.

"Jing Yuan- seriously?" You threw the pillow you were clutching onto, on his face. "Hey, I can't stand seeing you like this." He rolled his eyes, shrugging off the pillow and walking over to your bed. "I'm pissed at you. So much." His tone changed almost immediately, it was somewhat a mix of worry and frustration.

"Why are you angry? I should be pissed at you, not the other way around." You glared at him, those gorgeous orbs of yours were hurt. He could see it, he could see the pain behind them. "Fuck (reader) you don't get it...you just wouldn't move on! You- went ahead and blindly depended on his existence- without considering any fucking factors!!"

This was the first time you had heard him raise his voice, and your natural reaction was to flinch. "Do you have any idea- how much I care for you- how much I worry every time for your mental fucking state. I wish that we would go back to them time when you trusted me with your life!" His hands were gripping your shoulders tight by now, trembling and shaking.

You were speechless, Jing Yuan, the smug general was on the verge of tears in front of your very eyes. "You refused to- to even hear what I had to say a-and- you left me alone- I hate you so much for that, but I fucking love you too." The intensity of the moment was eating you up, you thought he was the one without any suffering. Turns out this man had been going just as crazy as everyone in the post high cloud quintet.

"Y-You- you what?! Jing Yuan- you know I've devoted my whole being to Dan Feng how could you ever-" You were suddenly interrupted by him pulling you close to his heart, and you could hear his sniffles and sobs. "Please...give me a chance-" Nothing could describe the amount of emotions you were feeling. Confusion? Anxiety? Whatever it was, it was incomprehensible.

The two of you stayed like that for a while, his heartbeat was loud and his crying had fainted away. "You're an idiot." You mumbled against his chest softly, not sure how to respond to what he had just said. You gently retracted from the hug when you got no answer, only to find out he had fallen asleep.

The thought of Jing Yuan liking you all this time led you to a plethora of confusing thoughts. He had been your best friend- but you never saw him in that way. But- your heart worked in a different way. Being so deprived of affection and the feeling of being wanted for all these years made you have second thoughts.

You placed a blanket on him, and walked over to your balcony, indulging in the unsolved puzzle that your mind had turned into. You glanced back at Jing Yuan, going into a completely different relationship wasn't the best idea- but it was something you desired deeply. Dan Feng had moved on- going so far as to change his name. He didn't do it on purpose however, his memories had been wiped out.

Maybe...you needed some change. Maybe you could give this a chance and let yourself go for the time being. After all- you could never had predicted at that time what a future could uphold, so you couldn't predict it now either.

After a few hours, Jing Yuan had woken up with you sitting by his side. "I'm sorry..." He whispered softly, getting up. "Why?" You placed down the book you were reading, he was about to leave. You immediately grabbed a hold of his hand, making him stop in his steps. "I really shouldn't have said all that I-"

Your lips were now connected in a soft and sensual kiss, it was a gentle touch between you two. As if nothing mattered in that very moment except for you and Jing Yuan. He was left gaping after the kiss- completely jaw dropped. "I...thought about it- I s'pose...we can try.." You spoke so gently, walking up closer to him. He wrapped his arms around you once again- keeping you in his embrace. But this time it wasn't for comfort- it was to share what you had made. Together.

And that very night you guys fuck. Be top or bottom you can imagine whatever you want.

[noideer]

As a brand new, baby Hermes devotee, I decided to build him an altar.

I, being new to honestly everything, and probably doing everything wrong, spent pretty much my last pennies on everything I needed.

I bought a bowl, which i painted in imagery and sealed with nail polish

A safari plate which I glued beautiful glass stones too

Lavender and dragons blood stick and cone incense along with two holders (I panicked at what kind to buy, but it kinda called out to me I guess? I will admit to seeing he liked lavender somewhere and as a Northwest native, it does remind me of hikes and getting out so I guess it's fine??)

Multiple candles in white, blue, oranges, and one that is tan, all having different scents, yet surprisingly smelling beautiful all together

A altar place mat, aka a peice of fabric with chicken wings on it because ya'know what? What's wrong with some funny wing motifs? I mean, it made me laugh, and i feel like he likes it too.

And last but certainly not least, a hot wheels bus. Ironically safari camo patterned, with a small winged logo on the sides.

Mind you, I am very new to everything. Yet, with my ADD and the joys of Autism, I couldn't help but just, dive in.

That little bus called out to me. The moment I saw it, I knew I was coming home with me. Even before I know it was him alerting me to it.

When I set everything up, after an hour or so of painting the bowl, I washed my hands, lit the incense, wafted it around, put it out, lit the candles, and prayed.

It was awkward. I feel as if I kinda forced him into my space, and I struggled severely with figuring out what I should do.

I ended up blowing out 4 out of the five candles due to my anxiety, yet the last little blue candle refused to go out.

The flame seemed angry almost, growing massive, then almost instantly to nothing. It was beautiful to watch, and I will admit to almost crying in awe. It kept going, large, then little, flickering around and to the sides. I did try to put it out again, terrified of my parents walking in and scared that i was doing everything wrong. Yet, now that i think about it, the flickering reminded me of sympathetic laughter.

Regaining myself, I spoke to Hermes. Asking him to guide me as I learn and work to worship him better. I am devoting myself to Hermes, and I promised to try and to do my best.

I spoke for a few minutes, just, talking. Saying things in how I was very new, but I wanted his guidance in learning and in life. I promised offerings, and seemingly, that little bus, and the orange and gold dice I've had in my backpack for months now, seemingly have a new and worth-while purpose.

By time I had finished with my anxiety ridden speech, the candle was calm, steady, and what I would define as standard sized. I felt better. Giddy, and I could feel myself wanting to cry. It felt good. Really good.

I did my best to say thanks, to smile as I put out the candle.

When I was done, after everything, I did still feel nervous. Especially after reading a few posts on how to welcome a god into your space. (IM SO SORRY HERMES)

But even now, I feel good. I want to research him, to research what I'm so excited to get into.

This post is very long, and kind of a mess, but i needed to get my first experience down. I want to make sure I remember it forever. Especially so that I can see how I grow in my devotion, and how I've changed for the better!

Please help me learn 🥹

This post is dedicated to Lord Hermes :D

[nerdallwritey]

end of the year asks!

9, 10, 14, 17!

WOOHOO!!!!!

Questions found here.

9. Best month for you this year?

Lol I'm glad you guys are so interesting in my favorite month! I answered here, but November was my fave this year!

10. Something that made you cry this year?

What the hell, are you trying to show everybody how sensitive I am or something?? (Kidding!) - I'm trying to think of something joyful that may have made me cry........ movies for sure make me cry - I cried most recently at Wicked, I think. What else............I said it in a previous post but I have the memory of a goldfish so I'm having trouble remembering any cries that weren't from the last few weeks 😅 OH! Here's an anecdote where I laughed really hard (maybe it made me cry? Can't remember, but I know it made me laugh SO hard) - I was playing Fortnite with my sister and @kermitwazowski, and we were playing music together, and we were so caught up in the moment that none of us noticed when a car pulled up and started shooting at us 😂 I'd post a video of it, but I don't want to dox usernames. But please trust me, it was so funny and we were screaming absolute bloody murder 😂

14. Favorite book you read this year?

Ah, I was going through my goodreads earlier and Khy, you know most of my year has been spent reading the dreaded Throne of Glass series, but I DID enjoy Bride by Ali Hazelwood. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but unfortunately I'm VERY into fated mates and protectiveness and all that jazz and WHOOPS! I had a blast reading this one. It wasn't a huge thinker, it was just hot and sweet and romantic which was exactly what I needed at the time. Here's the description via goodreads:

Misery Lark, the only daughter of the most powerful Vampyre councilman of the Southwest, is an outcast—again. Her days of living in anonymity among the Humans are over: she has been called upon to uphold a historic peacekeeping alliance between the Vampyres and their mortal enemies, the Weres, and she sees little choice but to surrender herself in the exchange—again... Weres are ruthless and unpredictable, and their Alpha, Lowe Moreland, is no exception. He rules his pack with absolute authority, but not without justice. And, unlike the Vampyre Council, not without feeling. It’s clear from the way he tracks Misery’s every movement that he doesn’t trust her. If only he knew how right he was…. Because Misery has her own reasons to agree to this marriage of convenience, reasons that have nothing to do with politics or alliances, and everything to do with the only thing she's ever cared about. And she is willing to do whatever it takes to get back what’s hers, even if it means a life alone in Were territory…alone with the wolf.

17. Post a picture from the end of the year

Here's a silly one: for my birthday, my roommate got me an adorable little Astarion plush that I've been carrying with me throughout our apartment for a few weeks now. I also have an Astarion scented candle from Etsy and I was like......... "And well, what if Astarion smelled like Astarion?" SO for the past few days, I've been putting my little Astarion in a pot with the open candle (which I refuse to burn) and making him smell like Astarion 😂 It wears off after a few hours, but I felt like an absolute GENIUS when I did it the first time. Nobody tell my roommate why I've had our big pot out for the past few days............

[annieintheaair]

Oh God, don't take these beautiful things that I've got

Healing can take a really long time. They say that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. When Dan and I broke up the final time, I didn't even consider dating for years. I focused on my career and where I might want to live and didn't think twice about the fact that I wasn't dating at all. I didn't even try to meet people. It was during that time that I became this truly independent, strong person. I realized that I would never be with anyone unless they were adding to my life because I was perfectly content on my own, and I still am.

Even though I moved on with my life, I never fully got over Dan until I moved to Boston. On Presidents Day, 2013, I got a Zipcar and drove to Wrentham to do some shopping at my favorite outlets. Wrentham isn't that far from Providence so Dan had texted me all day asking to meet up. I debated it, literally all day. Eventually, I gave in and drove down and met up with him. He ended up coming back to Boston with me for the night. When it was time to lie down and go to sleep, his phone rang, and he answered it. The girl he left me for, Lindsay, was on the phone. I didn't really know for sure until then that they were together and listening to him on the phone with her made me shut down completely. I might not remember it with 100% accuracy because it was such an awful night that I tried to forget it but I think he hung up saying, "Goodnight. I love you" and that's when I realized that love was a lie.

I refused to talk to him anymore that night. We went to sleep and he left the next day. I never saw him again until right before Thanksgiving 2019 when I was in Providence on a layover for work. We spent the day walking around in the cold city, eating breakfast at our favorite spot, Brickway, strolling the mall, seeing a movie (we saw Last Christmas, which if you've seen it, is a little ironic that that was the last movie we ever saw together), and just talking. I remember seeing him that morning when he arrived and he was wearing baggy clothes and looked like a mess. It turned me off. I thought, "I'm totally over this guy."

When the day was over and it was raining, Dan asked if he could stay for a bit and come watch a movie with me in my hotel room. I told him no and sent him away. When he left, he messaged me that he wished I would have let him stay. He always had such a grip on my heart that I felt bad telling him no and for a while, I debated if I made the right choice. At the time, I told myself that I did, but when he passed away less than 3 years later, I thought back on that day, and believe me, I would have given anything to rewind time and tell him to come in and watch a movie with me. Even just five more minutes with him would have made me feel like I did something right.

Less than 8 months later, I met James. On our first date, I thought, "Wow, I could talk to this guy forever." We had an instant connection. I felt like we had a lot in common and he had this softness about him. I fell hard and fast for him. Since COVID was going on, he basically moved in with me and it was nice at first because I didn't feel so lonely anymore. He hadn't even been gone for 24 hours when I found out I had shingles and he jumped on the next flight to get back to me to take care of me.

James had a lot of great qualities and our ending was sudden and unexpected, in some ways. I don't think I've ever cried so hard about a breakup, even with Dan. Weeks before our breakup, we were drinking bottomless Nutcrackers (it's basically a White Russian) at the bowling alley when we went back to his apartment in Wyoming and we both just lost it. It wasn't a fight but we were both crying. Deep down, I knew then that it was over but we held on for a few more weeks and broke up the day after Christmas. I struggled to work for weeks because I could barely see through my tears. I remember laying on the floor of my house just bawling my eyes out and screaming. I felt like I'd never feel whole again. It was a breakup that I didn't understand at all, and still don't. I've come to accept that it's something I'll probably never understand but I think that's why it broke me so badly. It was like one minute James was a huge part of my life and then he just vanished.

In my memories, I thought about all of our best times. One night, during the summer, I was making space for James' clothes in my closet and he lay down on the floor and told me to lie with him. He said he wished we could be in a field somewhere, looking up at the stars together. He reminded me how much he loved me. I thought, in that moment, "Life doesn't get any better than this."

After our breakup, I was cleaning my kitchen one day and found a whole drawer full of fast food sauces. James was always saving them and I guess I didn't realize that he was collecting them in a drawer in my kitchen. There were so many Chick-fil-a sauces, along with lots of Taco Bell packets. I collected it all and threw it in the trash. When I went to the grocery store a few days later, I found and bought a bottle of Chick-fil-a sauce. I posted on Instagram that I no longer needed him around saving sauces because I could buy a whole bottle at the grocery store. James saw my post and messaged me like I had hurt him so badly by doing that. Of course, I felt a little bad that it hurt him but he had no idea all of the tears that I had cried leading up to that.

When I found out I would have to move out of my house years later, I almost looked forward to it. I felt like my house had become some sort of time capsule of memories of our life together. I'd sit at my desk in my office and imagine him at my kitchen table working on his computer. I even bought a whole new bed, which I wanted to do anyway, but I just felt so sad being in that bed without him.

I can honestly say, to this day, I've never taken a breakup as hard as I did with James. I'm not sure what that means but the other day, I felt like I needed to let him know that after all of this time, we were ok. I told him, "I just want you to know, that while I've never understood what happened with us, I've never hated you and always hope for the best for you." On my drive home from yoga last night, he replied, "I really appreciate that, Annie! And I have always wished the best for you as well." It took us just over 3 years but I'm glad we finally got to this point.

My dad sent me a Venmo last night and told me to go get Red Lobster for dinner so I picked some up on my way home from yoga. As usual, the traffic was awful, even at 8pm, so by the time I picked up my food and took it home, it was cold. I pulled into my driveway and this cat, who I previously saw in my backyard right after New Year's, was standing in the cul-de-sac looking at me. I looked back at it and let out a "pss" and it came running over to me and into my garage. It came right up to me and let me pet it. It was so playful and cute. It hung out with me for a bit until my neighbors got home and came out calling for it. I didn't know before whose cat it was, except that I had seen it in the neighborhood, but I think we're friends now. I don't know what it is but that cat always shows up when I'm having a rough week.

This past year, in general, has been rough. I moved to a neighborhood where the friendliest resident is a cat. I feel like I've taken a lot of losses here and now I'm working on piecing my life back together. It's a Wednesday and I usually go to yoga and Students at my church back where I used to live but today feels like a good day to stay home until I have to go to work.

I'm somewhat looking forward to my therapy session today. I hope it offers me some clarity for my next steps but I know that after it I won't want to do much, which is pretty normal for me after therapy. Since I have to work tonight, I definitely need to feel more refreshed. Like the pin I bought a few years ago, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

xoxo

Annie