#It can't make a cohesive robot in a matter of hours!

[thunder-the-ranger-wolf]

Someday I guess, someday at best

Some post I can’t remember got me thinking about cousins and them showing up for each other randomly and I have word vomit over a fic I haven't touched in years.

Phil Coulson and Tony Stark are cousins in the way that Peggy Carter and Howard Stark were friends. They show up for each other. But that's more Tony dropping in at random times and Phil knowing when he's needed. Here's the latter.

AS KIDS

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're weird." "I can go-!"

"Mine!" Tony snapped, springing forward. "You said it's for me."

"I said I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're the worst."

"Yap yap yap."

"Say, we're cousins, right?"

"Yep."

"Then how come my dad and your grandma are the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is."

"I wish my dad was dead."

"Someday."

LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER THE WORST OVERSEAS TRIP EVER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought that detox shit that worked on Annie. Figure you'll want something to kick the shakes."

"Shakes stopped a week ago. Just nightmares now."

"Ain’t that a damn shame... I'll think of something."

"Good luck with that."

BATTLING IRON MONGER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. Pepper's fine. You were a dumbass last night and I'm pretty sure I need to get my ears checked."

"Join the club, pal, that thing never went on the market for a reason."

PRE-PRESS CONFERENCE

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought good news and bad news. You have a press conference. I tried to tell Fury you'll nix his idea but he wants you to see it anyway."

Tony snatches the paper from Phil's hand and gives it a once-over.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What, does he want me to split myself in half and call the clone whatever the press is running with?"

"He wants you to not die."

"Fair enough. Now what's the good news?"

DEATH PARTY CLEANUP

"The fuck're you doin 'ere?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought burges, Supernanny, and a fuckton of cleaning supplies. You and me are gonna get this place back to some form of habitant and we're gonna bitch at those incompetent shitheads while we do it."

"Why should I? Not like it'll matter in a few weeks."

"It matters now. C'mon. We can get burgers and ice cream after."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT I

"The fuck do you want?"

"I'm not the person you want to see. I'm sorry I don't know if you’ll ever see him again."

"He's alive?"

"It's touch-and-go. I came to give you the room he'll be in when he's stable."

"Thanks, I guess. Fuck off."

"Fucking off."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever and the most alive I've been in fuck knows how long. You got any ice cream?"

"Sure do. Check the freezer. You tell your spy twins yet?"

"They're on leave. He'll, so am I right now. Catch me up. What season of Supernanny are we up to?"

SHIT'S FUCKED AND SHIELD IS DEAD

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Bout to be the worst cousin ever. I brought the worst movie ever, some ice cream, and everclear."

"Everclear?! What the fuck?!"

"You're gonna want it after you see this."

"Phil, what the actual fuck?"

"I need you to watch it first. Before I lose my nerve. You need to know."

"Fine, whatever. I was having a bad night anyway. Jarvis is scooping up as many of your burned folks as he can."

"Great. Thanks. Not why I'm here."

"Play the damn tape, Jarvis."

"You're gonna want the everclear in the ice cream and a fuckton of it."

"Why?"

"Don't ask."

"I'm damn well asking, Phil, why the fuck are we falling off the wagon?!"

"It's... it's about the drunk driver."

"Shit. Pour the damn can into the ice cream. What the hell came up after all this time?"

GUESS WHO'S BACK

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being a loafer. I bring absolutely nothing but chaos in 3... 2... 1..."

The elevator rang and out trooped the fuckers who decided to live there. Tony exhaled the world-weariest sigh he could muster. "Is that Coulson?!"

"Yep."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT I (STAND DOWN)

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. You're going to bed. This code can wait."

"I just got-."

"No. You're getting sleep and probably checked out tomorrow. Fuckin touching random glowing shit. You're just like your father."

"Says the carbon-copy grandchild of the spoilsport."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Getting you the fuck outta here. Jarvis's backups kicked in. He's missing maybe a week or two, but he's stable."

"Thank you. Really thought that fucker killed him."

"More of a whack to the head. Let's get him up to speed, yeah? And call in some reinforcements. If this Ultron is half as smart as Jarvis, we're still very fucked."

AT SOME POINT

"Say, if you're cousins, why were his grandma and your dad the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is. Thank God my dad is dead."

"Cheers to that, pal."

"Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person."

"Winter Soldier fucked him all the way up."

"I wish he'd left my mom alone."

"Me too."

"I'll see her someday."

"Yeah. We'll see them someday."