#a part that didnt make me cry but did make me throw down my headphones in shock: 'ayda aguefort was my mother's name'

[vivitalks]

turns out that all i needed to burst into tears was jawbone giving ayda books about autism and ayda going, "this is normal. this is normal. this is normal."

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[danversxluthor]

Shoes

------------------------

One shot of a morning in the Danvers-Luthor household with Kara, Lena, Lori and El. El gets overwhelmed easily when her routine is disrupted but Lena is always prepared for the inevitable meltdowns.

-------------------------

The day started as any usual Monday morning in the Danvers-Luthor household. Lena was in the kitchen sipping at her second cup of coffee while reading through the materials for her first meeting of the day. Kara had just finished getting dressed and was making her way down the hall to check to make sure the kids were up and moving. Kara wasn’t surprised to find El already up, dressed, and bed made. 

“Ready to go little one.” Kara brushed her hand lightly through El’s long dark hair. El only flinched slightly at the contact but nodded her approval. The young girl gave her Jeje an apologetic smile before putting her noise cancelling headphones on and heading downstairs for breakfast. Even though Kara was used to El’s reaction to physical contact, it always hurt a little not to be able to hug and comfort her youngest child as she did Lori. 

Now for the most difficult part of the morning. Lori’s door was still shut and lights out. Kara already knew her 16 year old was still dead asleep. 

Knock knock. Kara pulled Lori’s door open and turns the lights on. Still no movement. She walks over to her daughter’s bed and sits down gently rubbing Lori’s back. 

“Come on Lor, it's time to get up bub.” Lori huffs and flips her blond hair to the side, dropping her head back to the pillow. It always made Kara laugh, how Lori had all of Lena’s stubborn attitude and then some. Lori was coming into her own more and more, especially now that she had the extra freedom of a driver's license. 

“Seriously though, get up bub.... Lori, you’re going to be late!” Kara tried. 

“Go away…” came a mumble for the sheets. Kara got up and walked toward the door; she learned there was only so much pushing would do when it came to Lori. But, she still had one card up her sleeve that always worked.

“Fine, but I dont think mom will be too happy if you’re late to school again. Oh wait, didn’t she say something about taking the car away?” Kara left and immediately heard Lori get up and start moving.

--------------

Lena’s head popped up from her papers when she heard the soft footsteps coming down the stairs. El gave Lena a small smile.

“Good morning Ellie.” Even with her headphones, El could understand. The doctors hypothesized that she was a master at lip reading. The teen gave her mom another small smile in return and started making herself a bowl of oatmeal. They learned early on that El didnt like crunchy foods--no toast, no cereal, nothing overly textured.

“Not gonna brag, but I got Lori up in under 5 minutes this time.” Kara announced with a self satisfied grin as she made her way to her wife. 

“And I should be impressed because?” Lena cocked an eyebrow, clearly not seeing the significance. 

“Because, it usually takes 8 minutes and some yelling!”  

“I do appreciate the absence of yelling, so I’ll give you that.” Lena leans over and gives her wife a congratulatory kiss.

“El, no headphones at the table.” Lena reminds her youngest who just sat down opposite her. El was so attached to her headphones ever since Lena had gotten them for her to help with El’s sound sensitivity. But now that El was in highschool, which was far less accommodating than her previous school, Lena and Kara made the decision to start mainstreaming El’s behavior as well. Even though El had her challenges, she was brilliant beyond comparison. El gave Lena a pleading look, without effect, before turning to Kara with her big puppy dog emerald eyes.

“Hey don’t look at me like that.” Kara jokingly scolded. “You know the rules little one.” 

El reluctantly takes her headphones off and Lena places them on the kitchen island. 

“They’ll be here when you get out of school El.” Lena reminds her daughter. El just nodded and returned to her breakfast.

“Lori, glad you could join us, love.” Lena greets her oldest who looks barely put together, blond hair left in a messy bun with her school bag thrown over her shoulder.

“Morning to you too mommy dearest.” Lori returns with sarcasm. Unlike her little sister, Lori is not a morning person. 

“Lori…” Kara warns with her stern mom voice. 

“Ugh, I know, sorry. It's too early. Need coffee.” Lori pours herself a large to go mug of black coffee before adding several large spoonfuls of sugar. 

“Almost ready Ellie?” Lori asks her little sister, who nods in return and places her bowl in the kitchen sink. “Good because we’re gonna get the good parking space today, so get your shoes on so we can book it out of here.” El makes her way to the coat closet for shoes.

“By book it out of here you better mean drive the speed limit and observe all the rules of the road young lady.” Kara warns. Lori just rolls her eyes and heads out to her car.

A few minutes later and Lori is back inside looking irritated.

“Where the heck is El!?” Lori practically yells. “We’re going to be late!”

“Lori, noise level please.” Lena warns. 

“Let me go see what’s going on. I’ll write you a note if you're late, ok?” Kara offered.

-------------

Kara walks over to the coat closet and is surprised to see what looks like a war zone of shoes thrown about the entire hallway and flustered El on the floor looking at shoe after shoe. 

“Ellie, sweetie, what's going on?” Kara asks gently on the floor next to El. El flinches at Kara’s words but looks up at her Jeje with red rimmed eyes and pulls out her pocket notebook and pen.

Shoes? El passes the note to Kara. 

“Oh, little one, we had to throw those out the other day. Remember they had holes in them?” El always wore the same shoes. A black pair of newbalance with white laces. El looked defeated and leaned up against the wall pulling her legs into her chest and proceeding to cry into her knees. Kara felt absolutely helpless in moments like these and she and Lena had plenty of moments with El like this. 

“Kar--” Lena cut herself off when she saw El crying on the floor with shoes strewn about. “Hey what's going?” Lena kneeled in front of El, whose black hair was covering her face entirely now. 

“It's about the shoes.” Kara whispered. Lena nodded knowingly and seemingly unsurprised. “I’ll tell Lori to head to school.” Kara got up and made her way back to Lori.

Lena got up and reached in the far back of the closet shelf and pulled out a shoe box. 

“Ellie?” Lena waited patiently as she knelt down to El once more. “El” Lena gently placed a finger under El’s chin and brought the young girl’s now red tear stained face up to meet her own. “I know you liked your shoes but they had holes. But, I got you these.” Lena pulled out a brand new pair of the same newbalance shoes. 

El was not happy with the new shoes and pulled out her pad of paper and wrote once more. 

Want MY shoes.

“Ellie your old shoes are gone and I know you’re upset but you have the same brand new shoes right here.” Lena tried to pass the shoes to El again. 

“El, I’m going to put them on you now ok?” El just stared at the ground as Lena pulled the shoes on El one at a time and tied them with double knots just the way El liked it. 

“Come on Ellie, let's give them a spin, see how they feel, huh? Lena offered her hand to El who still had a tear stained face but had calmed significantly. 

El took Lena’s hand and was pulled to her feet. Instead of testing the shoes, El immediately wrapped her arms around Lena in a big hug. El wasn't one for physical contact often but every once and awhile, especially after something overwhelming occurred, she just wanted to be held by her moms. Lena wrapped her arms tightly around El, pulling her daughter into her chest. 

This was how Kara found the pair. Even though her daughters could be difficult at times, these were the moments she lived for. Lena looked over El’s head to see her wife looking on and decided it was time to break the hug, even though she'd prefer it to go on forever. 

“Ok, Ellie, let's show Jeje your new shoes, huh?” El pulled back and inspected her feet, then took a few tentative steps before walking the rest of the way to Kara. 

“Look just like the old ones, minus the holes.” Kara said brightly and El shrugged. “Now let's get you to school.”

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[nc7dr3am]

LILY’s BIRTHDAY PARTY VLIVE

december 1st, 2020

you know the drill for nct dream birthday parties

they’re all at the long table, there’s balloons that spell “happy birthday lily” behind them

and they all have party hats (except jimin) and snacks and the cake on the table

jimin is seated in the middle, mark to her right, then chenji

to her left is renjun, hyuck, and then nomin

jimin: hiii czennies!!

and the rest of the boys do their shit yknow greeting the fans

hyuck: it’s our jimin’s birthday!!

and all the guys cheer but it’s so loud that jimin plugs her ears and wrinkles her face

hyuck: i remember when she was just a tiny baby :’)

jaemin: she’s grown so much :(

jeno: she used to be even shorter when we met her

renjun: even back then, we were all taller than her

jimin: today, i will be opening my members presents in front of czennies- we can all celebrate my birthday together!! sadly, mila unnie wasn’t able to though :(

chenle: mila noona got her an electric violin

mark: it’s so cool, seriously. and she played misfit on it as soon as she got it

hyuck: i was so shocked- she just knew it already without preparing

jisung: our jimin is talented~~

jimin: it wasn’t hard! i plan to cover dancing in the rain soon, since i helped compose it

a minute later, they start with the gift, youngest to oldest

jisung hands her a single card and everyone laughs

renjun: where’s your present?

jeno: ah, you know he’s always like this

jimin: *trying not to laugh* shh, let me read the car

jisung is just hiding his head in his hands, and the others and laughing quietly

jimin: ‘jimin... noona...’ ahhh, i hate being called that, this sounds so awkward?? anyway, ‘you’ve came a long way. it’s okay that you have grey hairs-‘ jisung!! WHY WOULD YOU TELL CZENNIES THAT

renjun then leans over while they’re all laughing and tries to count her grey hairs that actually exist. girlie’s got premature greyness 😔

jimin: ‘it’s okay that you have grey hairs and are grumpy a lot. you’re just becoming an old woman... but we still love you. happy birthday, from jisung’ you’re dying later tonight, jisung park. say goodbye to czennies now while you have the chance

once they settle down a little, chenle hands her his gift

mark: is there not a card?

chenle: she doesn’t need one

everyone’s laughing again and mark’s is super loud and cute and lily smiles while looking at him

jimin: let’s see what’s inside

everyone is looking over curiously

jisung: i already know what he’s gotten her. he wanted it to be the most expensive gift

jimin: you dummy, i don’t need- OH MY GOD

she’s holding a light grey purse and her mouth is gaped open

jeno: what is it?

yknow when they’re all confused and making those confused noises? yeah they’re all doing that

jimin: YOU SERIOUSLY GOT ME A GIVENCHY ANTIGONA PURSE?? THEYRE TOO EXPENSIVE

chenle: i know grey is your favorite color, so i got that~~

hyuck: HES TOO RICH

renjun: HE HAD TO OUTDO US ALL

jaemin: HE DIDNT EVEN HAVE A CARD

jimin: thank you so much, lele!!

and then she stands to hug him while he’s dolphin laughing

chenle: honestly, your purses all break and are too cheap... this one is supposed to be sturdy and hold a lot without breaking

hyuck: it’s funny when they break at the airport

jimin: shut up... jaemin oppa?

jaemin passes her a card and she freezes suddenly

jimin: will this make me cry? your cards are always so touching

jaemin: just readdd

chenle: she’s going to cry, i know it

jimin: ‘our lovely jimin’ WAHHH THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME CRY

renjun: just read, it’s okay!

jimin: ‘watching you grow up has been so strange. when i met you, you were such a baby. you were someone i wanted to protect, and you still are. you’re my little sister, and it’s been an honor to grow up with you, to perform with you, and be part of your family. you’re our most precious member, and i love you so much. let’s be together for a long time. happy birthday, koala.’

she was tearing up durinf the letter and you could hear it in her voice but at the end she began to cry more and covered her hands with her eyes as the others slightly malfunction cuz they don’t know what to DO

jaemin: don’t cry, jimin-ah!!

hyuck: get her a tissue! it’s okay~~

mark: *in english* hey, it’s okay! don’t cry, lils *puts his arm around her*

chenle: i told you she would cry

renjun: *helps to dry her eyes with his sleeves*

jeno: jaemin, why did you do this??

jisung: open the present, stop crying!!

^^ and all of those are just kinda all at once it’s so chaotic

jimin: *laughing* it’s okay, i just love you. oppa, give me a huggg

soon she’s opening his gift and she gives a great big smile

jimin: i was going to buy this myself!

jaemin: i had to get it for you~~

she holds up a new camera and even though her eyes are still a little teary she looks so happy

jimin: manager noona, can you help set this up? i want to take a picture with everyone after this!!

soon it’s time for hyuck’s gift, and she’s trying not to laugh as she opens the card

jimin: i’m most excited for this card...

when she opens it she LAUGHS and she shows it to mark who laughs even more

the others all clamor to see it and CACKLE when they do. she holds it up to the camera

the card just has all of hyuck’s recent pcs in it and says ‘you’re welcome for this card which has made your birthday wonderful’

jimin: donghyuck oppa, i love you so much. you’re the love of my life

hyuck: 😳 stop lying, stupid girl

she’s already opening his gift and laughs when she sees it. it’s noise cancelling headphones

hyuck: you were yelling at us recently that we were being too loud and you wished your noise cancelling headphones werent broken

jimin: i usually only use my earbuds, but these are so nice!! are they wireless??

hyuck: yeah, since you never use airpods i thought this was the closest you’d go

jimin: thank you oppa!! i love you so much

hyuck: i love you too

when she opens jeno’s card she grins

jimin: *in english* ‘little lilly,’ *in korean* ‘happy birthday. it’s been so many years since we met, and you’re still as special as you were then. stop growing so that you can be our baby koala forever. love you, jeno’

they all applaud, and jimin is pouting

jimin: i’m only you and jaemin’s baby, stop acting like i’ll be a baby forever!

jisung: taeyong hyung says that you’re his baby too

jimin: okay. i’m only nomin and taeyong oppa’s baby

jeno gives her a large gift bag and she pulls out some blankets

jimin: ahhhh, thank you oppa!! these are so soft!! i love blankets!!

jeno: keep looking, there’s something else~~

jimin: *gasps* l’interdit?! omo, i’ve wanted to try this for so long!! you all know i love givenchy... doyoung oppa got me givenchy sneakers today

mark: it smells really good

jimin: ?! did you all try it already?

chenji starts laughing and then it’s OBVIOUS what happened

jeno: we wanted to test it!!

jimin: *sprays it on herself* ooo, it does smell quite nice. thank you, oppa, i really love it

renjun: after you read the card, i have to go get the present

jimin: ?!

mark: is it too big for the room?

jeno: huh?

renjun: just read, jimin-ah~~

jimin: ‘jimin, i still remember when we met. you looked so scared in the practice rooms, but you still smiled at us all. i’m happy we see that smile every day, even when you’re feeling bad. happy birthday, jiminnie, we love you’ awwwh, junnie oppa... thank you

she leans on him, smiling

renjun: you’re welcome. but let me get the gift

hyuck: i don’t know what it is, does anyone?

no one knows what it is, but they’re even more suspicious when a manager leaves with him.

renjun, from a distance: cover her eyes!!

mark scoots closer to her and covers her eyes, making her pout

jimin: i want to seeeee

and then all the dreamies GASP which has her freaking out

jimin: what is it?! mark, let me go, i want to see!!

when she does see, her eyes go wide.

jimin: woahhh...

when it gets brought in, even all the fans watching are like O_O

renjun’s gift is... a huge floral arrangement with... WHITE LILLIES

LIKE THE INSTAGRAM POST MYSTERY

jimin: these are gorgeous... thank you, oppa

he hugs her, smiling

renjun: you really like them?

jimin: of course i do! you know white lillies are my favorite... and the daisies and leaves are gorgeous

hyuck: we should put them behind the table, so everyone can see them

jaemin: those are really pretty, renjun

jisung: woahhh

chenle: mark hyung looks upset- that’ll be hard to follow LMAO

hyuck: *smug* i think his will be good...

mark looks embarrassed handing her the card and starts to LAUGH

jimin: *in english* ‘lils, i hope the day has been better than every other one. i don’t wanna be weird and write as long a letter as i planned, so i’ll just shorten it. you’re one of the funniest, most talented people i’ve ever met, and i knew that even when we were little, shy trainees. i’m happy about all the time we’ve spent together and all the time we will have in the future, performing and growing by each other’s sides. happy birthday, m.l.’

at that point everyone is clowning mark because he got sentimental and sweet and mark and lily BOTH feel embarrassed-ish

jimin: thank you, markie oppa. it means a lot

mark: LMAO you’re welcome... it was nothing

hyuck: open your gift!!

he throws her a small box and she quirks an eyebrow

jimin: what, no puzzle? or an empty picture frame?

hyuck: what about a bible?

renjun: or an english dictionary?

mark: ahhhh. why are you all being like this

hyuck: don’t worry, jimin-ah, you’ll like this...

she opens the present and is met with a light blue tiffany’s box

jimin: no way. this is a joke. you didn’t get me anything from tiffany’s

mark: just open it!!

jimin: *opens it and just stares for a while*

and all the guys are wondering what’s in it and they’re all like woah.

jimin: oh my god mark

mark: do you like it?

jimin: of COURSE i do oh my god

she holds up a necklace with three charms on it. one that looked like a tag and another that was an ornate key and then a sagittarius charm. she’s smiling so big

mark: look at the other side, i got it engraved

jimin: ‘happy birthday, lils. m.l.’ oppa this is so gorgeous... help me put it on?

she lifted her hair and he fastened the clasp

hyuck: i told him to get you jewelry but he thought this up himself. i was surprised

everyone started to agree because mark is horrible at giving gifts

jaemin: it’s so pretty!

mark: haha i’m glad you like it

jimin: i absolutely love it! i cant believe it- i hoped you’d be the one person who didn’t spend much money on me. you know i hate people spending money on me

renjun: you deserve it, though

mark: it was nothing... i was just scared you wouldn’t like it

she gives mark a hug from the side, eyes closed and head on his chest

they all talked a bit more, the guys taking a bunch of the snacks, before they sang happy birthday to her and served cake

jimin: thank you guys, really... it means so much

jeno: you know we all love you

chenle: totally

he tHEN SMASHED JIMIN’S CAKE INTO HER FACE AND THEIR MANAGER SNAPS A PHOTO ON HER NEW CAMERA AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS

jimin: ZHONG CHENLE-

chenle already started running, but before chasing him, jimin says goodbye to czennies

then the rest of them closed the live

[niall-is-my-dream]

You & Me - Part Five

3450 words 

Callie's POV

Your alarm rang early at 7am, you turned it off and pulled yourself out of bed before making your way to the bathroom to wash and change. You'd decided to take advantage of the gym in your hotel, before grabbing some breakfast and heading to the studio where Niall was due to perform later. He had an interview and performance with Eoghan McDermott which you had to deal with.

The mini bus was due at 9am for you, Martin and the rest of the team. 

You ignored the notification for ten missed calls and countless text messages. Choosing to kick the shit out of a punch bag. You were angry with yourself for thinking that you could be anything with Niall.

Seeing Saskia with her arms around Nialls neck and his hands on her, had left you shaking. Not wanting to be seen by him, you had made a quick exit, grabbing a taxi back to the hotel.

You barely paused for breath as you kicked your right leg up high, again and again. Beads of sweat had begun to appear on your forehead and down your neck, your body heating up. After a few more punches you stopped. Catching your breath and taking in the almost empty gym.

You unwrapped the gloves from your hands and wiped your face down with the gym towel. Kicking the crap out of the punching bag always made you feel better. You left the gym feeling a little less stressed about it all.

After you'd showered and packed your small suitcase, you headed down to breakfast. The restaurant was full of crew and some of the band, you greeted them with wide smiles and hellos, before placing your bag down by Martin and heading over to the buffet.

You hadn't realised Niall had arrived until he approached you as you were placing some bread in the toaster.

 "Hey, where were you last night?" He whispered.

 "Was tired." You replied not bothering to look at him.

 "Is everything ok? I tried to call you and I sent a bunch of messages."

 "Everything's fine." You replied keeping your voice neutral.

 There was a few seconds of silence before you heard Saskia approach you both.

 "Ni, it's far too early to come down for breakfast. We should've had breakfast in your room, in bed." She smiled smugly, looking directly at you.

You reached Niall eyes and they were wide with realisation.

"Breakfast?" You queried.

"Yes, we had a late night." 

You could've punched that fucking smirk right off her face, but you didnt. You took your toast from the machine and then smiled sweetly before replying.

"Oh I'm sure you did, but what I meant was, I didn't realise you ate like actual proper food. Don't you stick thin models survive on diet coke and thin air?!"

Niall stayed quiet, but his face showed he was shocked by you're outburst.

"Jealous are we?! Bet you'd never be able to get a body like mine?!"

"Not really, I prefer to not look anorexic. And I do love toast!"

And with that you wafted the plate with your toast on in front of her shocked face and walked off. You could hear her having a go at Niall about what you'd said, but to be honest you didn't give a shit. Serves him right.

Niall didn't try approach you again, instead he took Saskia by the arm and practically dragged her out of the restaurant. Taking your seat at the table, you slathered your toast in butter and jam before enjoying every moment of your morning carbs.

No one mentioned your altercation with Niall and Saskia. When you got to the venue you got to work on the set up. Niall was busy doing interviews but you'd seen him trying to make eye contact with you as he walked past you on his way to one of them.

When it came to sound check you made sure that he had no opportunity to talk to you alone. He had messaged you numerous times again but you'd ignored him, not even bothering to read them.

If you were honest, as the day went on you weren't 100% sure anything had happened between them or not. You knew Saskia didn't like you and would do anything to annoy you. However you were still hurt when you saw them together last night. Why hadn't he told you she was coming? 

Over the course of the day you went from thinking they'd had raging sex all night to thinking that Saskia was boasting about nothing.

Still, you weren't ready to hear Niall's explanations or excuses.

When the performance was over, Niall went off for another interview and you packed everything up ready for it to head to London. You didn't see him again as he had back to back interviews and you and the crew headed to the airport.

The flight to Stansted was short and within a few hours you were home. Seeing a note from Bex on the kitchen table about how she was working late but would be back by 9:30pm. You unpacked your suitcase, throwing some washing in the machine and running yourself a bubble bath.

Almost 45 minutes had gone by and with your body truly wrinkly from the water, you decided to get out. Wrapping your towel around you, you paused at the sound of someone knocking at your door. You didn't like opening the door this late, even though it was still light out. You weren't expecting anyone so you quietly made your way over to the door and sneaked a look through the peep hole.

It was Niall.

He knocked again and you jumped back at the noise, hoping he didn't hear you gasp with shock.

"Callie, I know you're in there. I saw your balcony door open."

Crap.

Slowly moving away from the door you retreated to the safety of your room. You could hear him asking you to open the door so he could explain everything. You ignored him as you dried yourself off, throwing on some cotton shorts and a top. Taking a seat on the edge of your bed, your mind was running a million miles an hour. Should you let him in? Did you want to hear all the sordid details of last night? Did he deserve the chance to give you an explanation?

Your phone began to ring from your night stand. Nialls name flashing across the screen.

The call ended and you heard him knock again.

"Please Cal, I'm going out of my mind here."

You scoffed at hearing those words. If only he knew how you had been going out of your mind playing over all the scenarios of him and her.

"I'll wait all night if I have to."

You didn't believe him.

Being this pathetic about a guy wasn't something you were use to. You refused to cry about it, however you could feel the tears lingering behind your eyes that you were holding back.

Even though it was a warm evening you climbed under the covers and snuggled up in your safe place. Putting your headphones on and taking your sketch book out, propping it up on your knees.

You didn't know how long you'd been sketching until you saw Bex out of the corner of your eye. Smiling a hello and taking off your headphones you asked her what she had said.

"I said Niall's here."

Your heart sank. She had let him in. He hadn't gone away like you'd thought he would.

You could see the confusion on her face as in to why he was here. And that only got worse when you whispered to her that you didn't want to see him. She looked shocked, you hadn't told her about him yet. She still thought you were just friends and work colleagues.

You shook your head at her expression and held up your hand mouthing the words no.

She knew then that something had happened. You'd been friends long enough to be able to read each other. Her mouth made an oh shape before closing your door and retreating to the living room where you presumed Niall was.

You heard her say that you were sleeping and him saying that was bullshit.

 "Please Bex? I really need to see her." 

If he did those puppy dog eyes at her she would cave and you knew it. Taking off your head phones completely you laid on your side with your back to the door.

When you heard it open, you just knew it wasn't Bex. God she was such a pushover.

"Cal, please talk to me and let me explain." He pleaded, as he closed the door behind him.

You felt the bed dip as he sat down behind you. 

"I didn't know she was going to be there....... She just appeared at the after party........ Nothing happened between us and I don't want it to. I want you Cal ........ I need you. What she said to you this morning about having breakfast in bed, that was just to piss you off. She didn't stay in my room with me."

You stayed silent, listening to his words. Trying to process what he was saying.

"Callie, please." He pleaded. "I don't want to lose you."

You felt him shift and climb under the covers, his chest was flush with your back, his arm crept over your hip and rested on your stomach. Burying his face in your neck, you heard him breathe you in. You didn't respond or acknowledge him at first, a few minutes went by and he remained cuddled up to you, gently kissing your hair, neck and shoulders.

"Callie, please." His voice was getting more pained. 

"I saw her all over you at the party." You whispered. "Saw her arms around your neck, so I left."

He let out a massive sigh, almost that he was relieved that you'd finally decided to talk to him.

"If you'd stayed you would've seen me trying to pry her off of me."

You sighed and he pulled you closer to him. You could smell his aftershave, feel his breath on your neck as he snuggled into you.

"She did it deliberately, she posted sneaky hints about where she was. It's all over twitter, tumblr and Instagram. But nothing happened I promise, I'm so sorry that you think it did. Apart from when she turned up at rehearsal that time, I've not seen or spoken to her since I ended things in June. She's text me but I've ignored her."

You really didn't want to forgive him that easily, but if what he was saying was the truth then you needed to. Knowing what a nasty person Saskia was, what he was saying sounded like the truth. But deep down you were hurt by what you'd seen. This was new to you, stuff like this would be never have effected you so much. If this had been Jack, you would've argued with him, had it out with him and somehow resolved it. But your feelings for Niall ran deeper than they had for anyone else before. And right now the fear of that was stopping you from thinking rationally.

"I'm not sure what to think, I need to sleep."

"We can talk when you're ready. Can I stay with you while you fall asleep?" He whispered. 

He was still holding you close, his lips close to your ear. Moving your hand down to your stomach to find his, you linked your fingers together, holding his hand close to your chest. You felt him relax and and try and get closer, but he was already holding you as close as he could.

"Don't want anyone else Callie, just want it to be You & Me."

When your alarm woke you the next morning, you realised you were not alone. You had turned around in the night but Niall's grip on you hadn't faltered. Your legs were entangled together and his hand was resting on your bare hip where your top had ridden up.

You slowly reached behind you to turn off your alarm, you knew he would probably wake up and you weren't sure what to say to him. With the alarm turned off, you began to try and gently ease yourself out of his grip. But he pulled you closer, once again burying his face in your neck and hair.

"Not ready to move yet Cal." He mumbled against your neck. "Just five more minutes, maybe ten."

He let out a contented moan. 

There were a lot of things to talk about still, but right now lying here with him was the only thing you wanted to do. He was warm and cuddly and you couldn't get enough of him. His lips were placing gentle kiss along your neck and jaw and you let out a long and happy sigh. Reaching your hands up from his waist you ran your fingers through his unruly bed hair.

"Ni........ I have to get up." You whined rather unconvincingly.

"Just a few more minutes, Petal."

"I haven't forgiven you." You said bluntly.

"I know."

His hands had moved around your back and his finger lingered at the top of your shorts, but he didn't move his hand any further.

"Why did you stay?" You whispered, as his mouth still left kisses along your neck.

"Couldn't bare to leave you. You're so cute when you sleep, you snore to."

"I do not snore!"

He paused his kisses and brought his face up to yours.

"Yeah you do! Kind of a low rumble noise."

Your mouth was wide open in shock and massive smile on your face.

"Don't be embarrassed babe, as I said, it's cute."

"It's not cute, because it's not true."

"Whatever you say." He smiled.

He really was adorable in the mornings. His thick wavy hair was a mess, his hooded sleepy eyes barely open. His plump pink lips ............

Before you knew what you were doing, you were tracing your finger across them. He brought them into a pout and kissed your finger. 

The smiles were gone from your faces, instead you were both just staring at each other, the connection you had overwhelmed you. Before you could stop yourself, you pressed your lips to his. His body instantly reacted, his hand on your lower back moved you closer to him, before moving it down to hitch your leg across his hip.

Your hands were on his face, in his hair, the desperate need to feel him, taste him. The kiss was intense and you could feel yourself getting dizzy, your senses coming alive. When you paused for breath he looked at you, his eyes searching yours for regret.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, it's only you..... I promise. I've been going crazy without you. It's always been you, always."

And he kissed you again, this time rolling you onto your back, settling himself between your legs. He was hard beneath his shorts, you moaned when he made contact with your centre. You were both becoming frantic, kissing everywhere you could, feeling what skin was exposed. The heat of the quilt that was over you both was stifling, and you moved it down his back as much you could, feeling the slight breeze from your open window.

"Ni?" You moaned as he kissed across your neck and down your chest. "Ni?"

He stopped his kisses and looked up at you.

"Sorry.......I um........sorry." He mumbled nervously as he moved from between your legs and laid next to you.

"I don't want to you to stop, but I have to leave for work in just over an hour. Bex has the car so I have to navigate the tube this morning across the city."

"So, if I were to drive you then we could probably have an extra half hour?!" He replied, smiling.

"Ni." You said laughing and giving his shoulder a gentle shove. 

"What? I'm just saying I have my car so can give you a lift and y'know we both need showers."

You looked at him, a cheeky smirk across his face.

"As amazing as that sounds, I doubt Bex would appreciate us hogging the bathroom together! Plus I can't be seen arriving with you."

"Yeah....ok." He sighed sticking his lips out in a pathetic babyish pout. "Just one more kiss before I go though, yeah?"

When you emerged from your bedroom ten minutes later you found Bex sitting at the kitchen table with a coffee in her hand.

"Good Morning! Did you both sleep well?!" She asked with her eyebrows raised.

"Morning Bex, and yes we did thank you." You replied.

"Good good! Kettles just boiled if either of you want a coffee."

"I'm good, I'm going to head off and get showered and changed. Willie will probably wonder where I got to."

"Nah, I told him you were here!"

"Of course you did!" You replied, shaking your head.

She just smiled sweetly.

"I'll walk you out." You said to Niall.

"See you later Bex."

"That you will, Willie is bringing me to your gig tonight. Am looking forward to it."

When you reached the door, he pulled you to him. Your arms instantly wrapped themselves around his neck.

"I'll see you in a bit." He whispered, before kissing you gently.

"Yeah, see you in a bit." You replied before opening the door for him.

With another quick kiss, he was gone.

"Soooo........?" Bex said. "Just friends hey?!"

"I have zero idea what we are if I'm honest." You replied shrugging your shoulders.

"Care to explain what the hell has been happening then? And I want the whole story! With details!"

You really didn't have time for this, you'd got to leave for work. But with Bex telling you she wasn't at work today, and that she could drive you to work. At Willies request she had taken a couple of days off as he had wanted to spend the day with her and head to Niall's gig later. That meant you had time to tell her what had been going on and be in work on time.

You started from the beginning, from when you had walked in on him and Saskia arguing to kissing him at his apartment almost three weeks ago.

"I knew something had happened, you sounded so jittery and flustered on the phone." She said.

Then you told her about him confronting you about that night and how you'd admitted your feelings to him.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" She asked.

"I don't know, just embarrassed to. Was worried he might turn around and go back to her."

"And did he? Is that what you argued about, why I found him sitting on our doorstep last night?"

"I went to the after party in Dublin and she was all over him, so I left."

"And what was his explanation?"

"Said he had no idea she was coming and that he'd struggled to get her off of him. She's posted sneaky shit about it all over social media to."

Bex responded by shaking her head in disgust.

You carried on with the story, including yesterday morning at breakfast. Bex had laughed at how sarcastic you'd been to Saskia. "Thin air and diet coke! That's a good one!"

You took your coffee cup to the sink before turning to Bex with a worried look on your face. "Was I wrong to forgive him?"

"No, from what I gather from Willie, since you started working for him he's been smitten with you. Saskia just won't get the hint. He officially ended things with her months ago. Willie had no clue why he was with her especially when she was so rude to you that time and others close to him. I got the impression from Willie that Niall had told her numerous times he didn't want to see her anymore but that she just kept turning up at the same events as him. She likes the association."

"He said it's always been me. That I'm the one he wants."

"I don't doubt it. He was really upset last night."

"I know he was. Look, don't say anything to anyone please?"

She moved closer and wrapped you up in a hug.

"Of course, you don't even need to ask."

Next part

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/182819967228/you-me-part-six

[bibibibuckleykinard]

“ I’d kill for a coffee.... literally. “ Aaron to Robert.

Hey Lovely! I hope you like it!

Day Two: A Football Team

Aaron could Kill Robert. No, it was definitely going to happen, a couple hours he was told, a quick trip into town for a meeting and he’d be back in no time to help with the kids. That was five hours ago and still no Robert to be seen. So, there Aaron was stood in the portacabin holding their fussy 13-month-old daughter on his hip, their four-year-old sat at the other desk on the iPad, headphones on, sucking her thumb watching a show, and their six-year-old pouting at Robert’s desk.

“Dad!”

“Seb, I swear if you keep shouting…” Aaron told the boy as he went through the pile of papers on his desk looking for a file.

“I’m bored, though!”

“So I’ve heard and like I said we’re not going anywhere ’til Dad gets here,” Aaron replied making his way over to sit down, he placed the little girl on his lap.

“Why couldn’t we just stayed home?” The little boy whined.

“Because Ellis called out sick and I couldn’t just let this place stay shut all day,” he told the little boy looking over at him.

“Dad said you used to keep it closed when I was a baby,” the boy explained.

“Your dad needs to keep his mouth shut,” he muttered to himself.

“What?”

“Seb, while yes this place was closed quite a lot back then it was different, we didn’t have as many clients as we do now and we had you to mind we couldn’t exactly just plop you in front of the telly and go about our business,” he explained.

“It’s not fair,” Seb pouted. Aaron sighed, “Why don’t you go watch the iPad with Sofia?” He suggested causing Seb to frown.

“What?”

“Can I go outside and play?”

“You’re joking right?” Aaron questioned. “It’s a scrapyard, not a playground.”

“I’ll stay by the door,” the boy protested.

“No,” he firmly replied. “Now you have two options you one, go watch what Sof is watching or you can just sit there and be bored your choice.”

“Fine,” Seb stated getting up, making his way over to his sister. Aaron breathed out, he looked down to see his other daughter slapping away on his laptop with a big smile painted across her face, “You helping Daddy work Ev?” He asked looking at the jumble of letters that were displayed on the screen. The little girl giggled in response, “Thank you,” he replied leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

It was rounding three in the afternoon, after what felt like a million calls and a million and a half texts to Robert with no word back Aaron had just given up on reaching him. Seb was now playing out front throwing a tennis ball against the portacabin, Sofia playing a game on his phone, and he was pacing the small office with a crying Evelyn trying to calm her. To say he was exhausted would be a major understatement, the thumping of the ball was giving him a headache but it was better than the arguing that had to happen after the iPad had died. The landline started ringing, Evelyn was still crying, “Sweetheart, Daddy needs to answer the phone can we quiet down?” he asked the 13-month-old causing the little girl to cry even louder. “I’ll take that as a no,” he said to himself as the phone continued ringing, “I know, I know, shh, it’s okay,” he continued as he softly patted the little girl on the back as he paced, after a couple of more rings the phone went silent. Aaron sighed, “How is Daddy met to get anything done little one?” He asked the crying girl.  “Here,” Aaron said pulling his keys from his pocket. The little girl took the keys, her cries quickly turned to laughter as she jiggled them, the clanking metal ring in his ears, the phone started ringing again he leapt for the phone answering it, “Yeah, Holey Scrap this is Aaron speaking,” he said trying to talk over the noise, he reached for the keys in Evlyn’s hand with his free hand. “No, sorry mate we’re not doing pickups today,“ he replied fighting to keep a grip on his daughter’s hand with the keys. The girl started fussing as she tried to pull free.

”Stop it,” he told his daughter in almost a whisper. “No, sorry not you,” he said into the phone. “Was talking to my daughter,” he explained.  “Yeah, trying is the keyword,” He replied. He frowned quickly realizing the thumping of the ball against the portacabin had stopped, “I’m sorry,” he replied realizing he hadn’t heard anything the man on the phone had said. He made his way over to the window to look out not seeing his son by the door, “You know what, could you give me a second?” he asked the man as he held up the phone to his ear with his shoulder. He made his way to the door, opening it, it took a couple of seconds to register what he was looking at, “SEB!” He yelled at the sight of the six-year-old stood on top of an old junked car.

“Hi, Dad!” The boy called back with a huge smile. “I got up all by myself!” He explained proudly.

“I’m gonna have to call you back,” he said into the phone letting the phone drop from his shoulder into his hand ending the call without another word. “Get down now,” he told the boy as he made his way out the portacabin and rushed over, Evelyn holding on tightly.

“But I just got up here,” Seb replied.

“And now you’re getting down,” he answered holding his hand out for the boy to grab a hold of.

“But,” the boy tried protesting.

“No ‘but’, get down,” Aaron repeated. The boy made his way over a couple of steps jumping into his dad’s free arm slightly knocking the wind out of him. Aaron kneeled letting Seb down, “Inside, come on.”

“I want to play with the ball again,” Seb said.

Aaron chuckled, “Nope, inside now,” he repeated ushering the boy towards the portacabin.

“Daddy your phone died,” Sophia said as they made their way in, handing the now useless piece of tech back.

“Thank you, Sof,” he replied with a sigh taking his phone back and placing it on his desk. He froze, again, noticing the silence, “Please tell me Ev is still holding my keys,” he said to the two older kids. Sofia and Seb shook their heads no, “Ev, where are Daddy’s keys?’ He asked turning his attention to the girl.

“By-by,” she only said with a smile.

“Bye Bye?” Aaron questioned getting only a smile and a giggle out of Evelyn. “Did you throw Daddy’s keys?”

“By-by,” the little girl repeated.

“Who wants to play a game?” He asked the two older kids.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty minutes had past and Aaron still couldn’t find his keys, Evelyn was now sat in her stroller by the portacabin with Sofia sat next to her on the steps as Seb and Aaron searched the area near the car that Seb had climbed on.

“Damn it!” Aaron vented out as he was on his hands and knees blindly feeling around underneath the clunker.

“Oooh you said a bad word,” he heard Sofia call back.

“Yes, Sofia I know,” Aaron answered.

“Daddy!” He heard Sofia yell he looked back to see the four-year-old launching of the steps. Closely followed by “There they are,” He popped up peering over the car to see Robert pick up Sofia.

“Hi,” he responded making it to his feet.

Robert laughed, “Any particular reason you were on the ground?” He asked.

“Ev decided it be fun to throw my keys,” Aaron explained.

“Dada dada,” Evelyn called out at the sight of Robert.

“Hi Miss Evelyn,” he replied making his way over to the stroller. “Have you been driving Daddy Aaron mad?” He asked leaning down.

“Dad, can we go home now?” Seb asked Robert. Robert smirked, “What your bored of this place already?” He asked. “I figured you’d be trying to climb onto anything and everything.”

“He already has,” Aaron answered still scanning the ground. “Climb on top of that car over there, all by himself,” he added pointing to the car.

“Dad yelled at him,” Sofia told Robert.

“I didn’t yell at him, I merely told him to get down… very loudly,” he explained.

“Sounds like an eventful day,” Robert said with a laugh.

“Which you were supposed to be a part of,” Aaron pointed out. “Couple of hours you said.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Robert replied. “got roped into two more meetings by Nicola,” he explained.

“Dad!” Seb interrupted yanking on Robert’s jacket. “Please?!”

“We have to find Dad’s keys first,” Robert told the boy.

“I put Daddy’s keys on his desk,” Sophia told her dads pointing inside. Both Robert and Aaron looked at the girl, “What?” Aaron questioned.

“I founded them by the steps,” she added.

Robert choked back a laugh.

“I swear if you laugh…” Aaron trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” Robert replied still trying his best to bite back the laugh.

Aaron breathed out slowly before chuckling himself, “Oh my- why don’t we just go home,” he replied making his way up the steps and into the office to retrieve his keys, his phone, and the diaper bag.

He stepped out shutting the door and locking it behind him.

“Long day?” Robert asked knowing the answer as Aaron made his way down.

“Very.”

“What can I do to make it up to you?” Robert asked wrapping his free arm around Aaron’s waist running small circles on his back with his finger. The other man thought for a moment, “I’d kill for a coffee,” Aaron replied.

“It’s nearly four in the afternoon, you won’t sleep tonight-“ Robert began saying before being cut off.

“You don’t understand, I will LITERALLY kill someone if I don’t get some caffeine in me now,” Aaron replied with a serious face.

“Looks like we’re stopping by the Café before home,” Robert told the kids.

“Thank you.”

“What are you gonna be like when we have the next kid?” Robert asked.

“When?” Aaron questioned. Robert smirk before leaning in to kiss his husband, “A football team remember?” He replied with a grin leaning back for another kiss only to be stopped.

“Coffee first,” Aaron stated pulling out of Robert’s grip making his way over to the stroller.

ao3 link

previous fic

[kpurereactions]

When Stars Align | Part 1

A/N alrighty, after writing something new, not liking it, fixing it and writing it again i present to you my second fic. Im really excited about this one and I hope you guys will be too, theres gonna be a lot of drama I'm winking  So, without further ado, When Stars Align. 

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader

Rating: Drama, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3 Pt 4

You felt like it had been hours since you last touched ground, and it had been. It was your official first day of summer break and you spent it flying from your home to your best friends. The two of you had been extremely close since freshman year when you were thrown into a random roommate draw, and you definitely got lucky. She was your other half, and like promised that first night of your freshman year, if you had made it this far the two of you would vacation together the summer before your senior year. 

The flight to Chicago went easier that you thought it would. No stops along the way and you got the window seat. You had only been away from your best friend for maybe 48 hours, but still it felt like a life time and a half and there was nothing more you wanted at that point in time than to touch down and run into her arms. You weren't usually one to get excited over small things, especially things like seeing someone after a short period of time, your childhood proved that none stays forever, but she was able to pull that out of you. 

You couldn't walk fast enough once off the plane, your backpack slung haphazardly over one shoulder and your hands quickly rolling up your headphones. The moment your phone was turned on you started to respond to your friends texts, typing just as fast as you were walking and only looking up to make sure you were still heading in the right direction. You could see it, the exit to baggage claim right in front of you. Your step quickened and your eyes looked back down, typing quickly and in all caps to count down the seconds till you were reunited. 

And then your shoulder hit someone. Your bag hitting the floor you grunted, your eyes not even looking up as you apologized and reached for your bag. You stumbled down only to have it snatched up before you could reach it. 

“Im sorry, I should probably look at where I'm going.” You said, your eyes only leaving your bag after finishing your sentence. 

“Don't worry about it, we've all done it.” 

Your eyes trailed up to the boy in front of you you with a kiddish grin and tick sunglasses covering half his face. Your heart lurched causing you to cough and reach out for your bag. There was something different about that boy. Not different in the way he was strange, but different in the way that he didnt seem like a stranger. You pressed your lips together and looked up at him, nodding your head once before taking your bag from his grip, your fingers brushing slightly making you're spine tingle. You coughed again fully taking the bag from his hands and turned to walk even faster out of the closed off section you were in, your heart now beating a million miles per hour.

You could hardly breath as you were engulfed in the arms of your best friend your mind instantly snapped in one direction. You rocked back and fourth, squealing and not caring who heard you, or which eyes were sent your way. As you pulled away from her your eyes caught his again, slightly peeking out from behind the frosted sliding doors. He retracted the moment you noticed him and  you couldn't help the feeling in your kneecaps that seemed to ache when you saw him. It was strange, but before you could truly think about it you were being pulled away by your best friend. 

You sat there with your head in your tiny hands, kids around you laughing, kicking dirt in your direction and calling you names. It had been like that every day since you had moved to South Korea and every day you cried to your dad to take you home, take you back to where your life started. You were too different for the kids of South Korea. Your face was too thin, your eyes too round and your hair? Well don't get them started on how different your hair was. 

It was one day in particular you remember the most about being in South Korea, the day that changed the way you saw that city and the reason why you never wanted to leave. 

You were on the ground, your knee bleeding as one of the usual girls who was mean to you pushed you over. You could hardly understand what she was saying as she teased and taunted you in Korean, the only thing you could focus on was the trickle of blood running down your leg and meeting the top of your sock. You kept your eyes down, but could still see her loafers walk up to you and her hand reach down to grab your backpack, still talking to fast for you to understand. You jumped slightly as your books pens and your lunchbox hit the ground in front of you. 

You choked back a tear as the girl and her friends laughed when she pushed you on your back, you just wanted to go home. The tears started just as a voice was called out and you opened your eyes to see a young boy running towards you. He was dorky, running like something out of a comic book, but still running your way. You sat up instantly as he got in the girls face and started yell, growling noises coming as he talked quickly. The girls scoffed at him once before looking at you, one kicking a book before they walked away. 

He helped you up and looked at you with sad eyes before holding his hand straight out, waiting for you to take it.

‘What are you? A monster?’ You whispered half in english as you wiped your hands and shirt free of dirt. 

‘Im Namjoon.’ He said slowly, waiting as you nodded to indicate that you understood what he was he had said. 

‘Y/n.’ You said softly. ‘You have a funny name.’ You said after trying to say his name in your head a few times and not being able to. 

He looked down to your knee and pressed his lips together before throwing his small arm over your shoulder and making you walk forward. 

‘Well were friends know so you're going to have to use my name.’ He said still looking at your knee. 

You nodded and stopped, bending down wipe the dirt out of your bleeding knee and trying not to cry at the sting that erupted at your touch. His knees where soon bending with yours as he started pushing a tissue to your leg. You watched as he concentrated on cleaning up your leg, mumbling things about the girls who had pushed you, growling in a way once again when you asked him why he was acting that way.

‘Those girls are so mean. Well, don't worry. There not going to be mean to you any more. Im going to make sure of that.’

You were so lost in thought as your friend rambled on about this and that you hadn't even realized you were puling up outside her house. Shaking your head you got excited again, grabbing your bags out of the back seat and linking your arm with hers as she pulled you towards the front door. You were welcomed excitedly by her parents and was immediately sat down to eat. Something you expected from her mother, but was always surprised by. 

“Okay, y/n. I have a surprise.” Your friend said tapping the table a few quick times as her mother started to clear the table.

“Ooo I love surprises.” You said leaning on your elbows. 

A chuckle came from you as she stood quickly, holding a finger for you to wait as she dashed out of the kitchen. Sitting there awkwardly you didn't know what to do since your friends mom refused your help with the dishes. But thankfully the sound of your friends running made you perk back up as she quickly sat across from you again, now clutching onto a white envelope. 

“So I figured since you know, were here for a few weeks before we run off to vacation that we would need something to do, right?” She started, placing the envelope on the table and running her excited fingers over it. “So. That one band you know I love so much is coming to Chicago in a few days so I thought you and I could go together.” 

“Are you asking me on a date?” You asked smiling, getting excited to be able to do something so fun with her. 

“Yes, yes this is a date, were going to see Bts for our date!” She squealed reaching for your hands.

You were excited, even if you knew next to nothing about these boys you did enjoy their music, and you always loved to tease your friend on just how excited she got about the boys. As the two of you crawled into bed that night and cuddled close she started flipping threw pictures, telling you thinks about each boy in turn. You smiled at Jimin, snorted at Taehyung and awed at Jin. She continued to flip until she landed on a familiar face. You took her phone from her and stared at his face, his dimples making you feel like you knew him. 

“Why is he so familiar?” You said zooming in the picture. 

“Hes familiar because he's a god damn Rap Monster.” She said chuckling and flipping through more pictures. 

You chuckled and shook your head rolling to your back, your eyes getting heavy  as you listened to her softly continue to talk about the boys, but as you fell asleep you started to think about the boy you ran into at the airport and how he also seemed to hold this same presence about him.

[sadrien]

snapped strings

on ao3

i dont know what happened today but all my friends started arguing and i spent almost two hours just crying. it was pretty bad. i wanted nothing more than for it all to stop or for someone to show up and just give me a hug

i dont think were going to be ok anytime soon

take some bullshit. the characterizations are kind of shit. i wrote half of this while crying and didnt reread it. im sorry

Marinette lunges for her headphones when she hears him land on the balcony. She wipes her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater — not that it does much with how wet they are — and pretends she doesn’t hear him. Because she doesn’t want to hear him.

She doesn’t want him near her right now.

He knocks on the trapdoor.

She can’t find her headphones in her mess of a bed. Her phone is on the floor now, where she threw it in frustration after Alya left the chat angrily and Marinette’s tears turned into sobs.

She’s just happy her parents haven’t come up to see what’s wrong yet. She wants to be left alone. She doesn’t want him here.

He keeps knocking.

She can’t pretend to be asleep because he can see through her trapdoor. Because she didn’t think to cover it.

She’s finding black fabric as soon as he goes away.

He knocks again. Why won’t he stop knocking?

Marinette wants to tear her hair out or scream or anything. But all she can do is cry. And cry and cry and just keep crying. She feels empty and broken and pathetic and— 

He knocks.

She throws the trapdoor open and shouts, “Go away!” but the words get caught and twisted in her sobs and they break in a pitiful sort of way.

Chat stares down at her in surprise, like he didn’t actually think she’d even look him in the eye, let alone yell at him.

“Didn’t you get the message?” Marinette snaps. “I don’t want to see you!”

“I—”

“Leave me alone!”

Chat’s ears flatten against his head and he glances away, chewing on his bottom lip. “I… If you’re going to yell at me, you should come out here. You’re going to wake up your parents.”

Marinette tries to channel her pain into anger but it’s not working. It falls flat into nothing but sadness. She sniffs and wipes her cheeks again and hauls herself onto the balcony, closing her trapdoor with her foot.

Chat takes a step back, shoulders hunched.

“I hate you,” Marinette whispers. She wraps her arms around herself.

He winces. “I know.”

A sob wracks her body. “I’m mad at you,” she tries to hiss but it sounds more shattered.

“I’m mad at you too,” he says and the bite in his voice is almost surprising. He glares at her, and she notices that his glowing green eyes are watery. “And I’m absolutely terrified of losing you. So you can yell at me all night and you can throw me off of every rooftop in Paris, but I’m still going to end up here, standing in front of you, because you are my partner and best friend and my family and I— I don’t know what I’d do without you and the thought of not having you around makes me sick to my stomach.” His voice drops to a whisper. “I’m so scared of being without you. And I am so sorry.”

Marinette stalks forward and hits his chest with her hands. “You’re terrible,” she snaps, blood boiling. Because she hates that he’s hurting and that she’s hurting and that everyone is hurting. And she hates that she has no magical way to fix this and no supervillain she can blame and hunt down. And there’s no way this will ever be what it was again. She hits his chest again. “You’re awful. And I don’t know what to do or how to fix it—” she chokes back a sob, tears flowing freely down her face, “but you’re awful and I’m awful and we’re all just awful. And I— I—”

Chat hugs her like he thinks she’s going to disappear, tight enough so she can’t pull away, not that she wants to. He curls around her, and she suddenly notices he’s shaking.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, and she aches.

Fighting always leaves her drained and empty, and as Marinette stands on her balcony in the dark of night, she can feel her energy dipping.

She hates arguing.

She feels so helpless.

“I’m sorry,” Chat says, voice shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“She hates me,” Marinette says. “She hates me so much.”

She feels him shake his head. “She could never hate you.”

Someone lands on the balcony. She hears their feet hit the ground and feels Chat tense in her arms.

“I’m sorry,” Paon says softly.

Chat takes a slow breath.

Marinette is reminded of Nino’s messages as the argument got more and more heated. His desperate attempts at defusing the situation, changing the subject, and making forced jokes. They’d seemed so out of place and tone deaf.

Chat pulls away from Marinette. He presses a kiss to the top of her head before he turns around to face Paon. He forces a small smile, crooked and timid. “I am too.”

The tension rushes out of Paon’s body and he sags against the railing of the balcony. “Thank god, dude, I was so worried that—” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to think about it.” He steps forward and throws his arms around Chat. It takes Chat a second to return the hug, but he returns it nonetheless. “I’m sorry that got so out of hand.”

“Me too,” Marinette hears Chat murmur.

She wraps her arms around herself and tries to convince herself it will be okay. She doesn’t know if they can talk about exactly what happened — she’s kind of terrified to try — but they’re talking and that’s…good. At least, some of them are talking.

“How did you know to come here?” she asks softly.

Paon meets her eyes. “You’re always the first one Chat goes to.” He releases Chat from the hug. “I took an educated guess.”

Marinette takes a shaky breath. “Were you still reading the chat?”

Paon nods slowly as Chat takes Marinette’s hand. “They were still, uh…talking. Because I added Alya back in because she thought of something else to say and they kind of went off— Chloé kind of went off.”

“It was bad,” Chat mumbles. “But I don’t know what we could’ve done to fix it.”

“I think sometimes it’s just inevitable,” Paon admits. “If you stop up a volcano long enough, it’ll explode or something like that, right?”

Marinette forces a laugh. “Glad we’re a destructive force of nature that ruins lives.” She feels a pressure in the back of her head that tells her she’s going to start crying again. She didn’t think she had enough water left in her body for that, but apparently she was wrong.

Chat squints into the darkness. “If you want a force of nature, she’s about to crash land on your balcony.”

Paon steps out of the way as Queen Bee stops short and her heels skid on Marinette’s balcony.

They all stare at each other in silence for a long moment.

“I’m the worst,” Bee whispers hoarsely after the silence has stretched on for too long for anyone to be comfortable. “The absolute worst.” She balls up her hands by sides and stares at the ground with a glare that could set Paris aflame. “I— I’m sorry for ruining everything.”

It’s dark, but Marinette can see makeup marks on her cheeks where the mask doesn’t hide the tear tracks. Bee’s eyes are red and puffy and Marinette knows that under the mask she’s just as much of a mess as the rest of them.

“You didn’t ruin everything,” Chat promises.

Bee scoffs. “There was a little too much of a pause there for comfort, Adri,” she says bitterly. “This is what happens when you include someone beyond redemption in a fun little group of heroes.”

“Shut up,” Paon says.

Bee whirls toward him, ponytail nearly smacking him in the face. “Excuse me?”

“I said, ‘shut up’.” Paon crosses his arms. “They don’t give a miraculous to just anyone. You’re here for a reason—”

“But—”

“Just because you’re make bad choices sometimes and say mean things doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Bro, you’ve gotten so much better.” Paon shrugs. “Don’t invalidate yourself just because you screw up once. Cause…” he sighs. “We all screwed up tonight. Big time.”

Bee stares at him for a second before she yanks him into a tight hug.

Paon freezes before patting her back awkwardly.

“I’m so glad these things have trackers in them,” Bee mumbles into Paon’s shoulder. “I’m still not entire convinced you don’t all hate me.”

“We couldn’t hate you,” Marinette says.

Bee looks over her shoulder. “What?”

“We…” Marinette swallows and tucks her hair behind her ear. “You’re our teammate and our friend. We don’t hate you.”

Bee ducks her head. “Speak for yourself. I doubt Alya feels the same.”

“You won’t know until you ask her,” Chat points out.

“That sounds like a bad idea.”

Paon nudges Bee lightly. “Hey, who knows? The rest of us found our way onto Mari’s balcony. Maybe a certain fox will show up too.”

They all look toward the tower, like Vixen will come bounding over the rooftops at any moment.

Bee sighs and sinks to the ground, leaning against the bars of the railing. “I wouldn’t hold out hope,” she grumbles. “Not that I can blame her,” she adds quickly. “I was…terrible.”

“So was Alya,” Chat points out.

Marinette sits down on her chair and Paon crosses the balcony to join her.

“Can we all agree that we regret tonight?” Marinette asks.

Everyone nods.

“Get comfy folks,” Paon says, laying back in the chair as Marinette pulls his legs up onto her lap. “I’m pretty sure Alya is the most stubborn of us all.”

Marinette is glad that it’s a warm and clear night. She’s pretty sure Paon dozes while Chat paces back and forth restlessly until Bee grabs him by the arm and says he’s going to wear a hole in the balcony. Bee pulls him to the ground next to her and runs her fingers through his hair as he rocks and taps.

Marinette stares at the stars.

She still feels a little like she’s going to be sick. She’s still missing part of her team, part of the machine that makes them work, part of herself.

Her phone is still on her floor, possibly shattered, countless unread messages on her lockscreen. She doesn’t really want to read through them all later. Maybe she’ll just ask Nino for a more detailed rundown of what happened. Maybe she’ll just ignore it. Pretend it didn’t happen.

No, that’s a bad idea. They can’t move on like they didn’t completely shatter. The problems they confronted need to be addressed, or they’ll never be whole again. They have to pick up the pieces and glue themselves back together. They have to. For Paris. And for themselves.

It’s quieter when she sees movement out of the corner of her eye and sees Vixen slowly making her way over. Vixen pauses every once and awhile, like she’s not completely committed to the journey yet.

Marinette shakes Paon awake.

Vixen leaps onto the railing of the balcony, balancing carefully on the thin metal.

Chat and Bee look up at her from the ground.

“Hi,” Marinette says softly.

Vixen’s eyes sweep over the balcony, taking them all in, expression stony. “I didn’t get the memo that we were having a meeting.”

“Impromptu and unofficial,” Bee says, her voice tight.

“Hm.”

Chat stands up and offers Vixen a hand. She stares at it. “I’m sorry,” Chat says. “For everything. Everything that happened tonight and anything that happened before and— and I’ll have a better apology in the morning, I swear.”

Vixen takes his hand and hops down from the railing.

Bee leaps to her feet and launches herself at Vixen, hugging her tightly as Vixen nearly topples backward. Chat steadies them as Vixen stares at Bee with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry that I was awful and mean and I should’ve been a better teammate and friend and you deserve better than me I’m sorry,” Bee blurts.

“I…” Vixen pulls away from Bee. Bee’s eyes go wide with worry, but Vixen holds Bee’s hands tight. “I’m sorry too,” she says slowly. “I was out of line.”

“So was I,” Bee murmurs.

Paon swings his legs off of Marinette’s lap and walks over to the group in two long strides. He puts a hand on Vixen’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Vixen nods, eyes starting to water.

Marinette stands, wringing her hands. “Me too,” she says. “I— Yeah. I’m sorry. To everyone.”

Paon grabs her by the arm and pulls her into a group hug. Bee immediately starts crying, and Marinette can feel herself getting close again too. Silent tears are running down Vixen’s face before she buries her face in Chat’s shoulder. Paon is hugging them hard enough to make it hard to breathe.

Things might be okay.

It’s going to take time, and a lot of work, but they’ll be okay. They’re a team built to get through the worst. They might break a bit, but they’ll put themselves back together in the end.

“I love you all,” Marinette says after a few moments, “but can we maybe go inside? Having almost all of Paris’ superheroes on my balcony might look a little suspicious.”

Vixen laughs. The relief Marinette feels at hearing it is indescribable. “Yeah,” Vixen says with a watery smile. “Let’s go inside.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: alright? Carly: yea Ali: you want any water, pain killers? Carly: k to both Ali: can have my headphones too if you can deal with my music taste Carly: you could sing to me tho Ali: i've got the pipes, yeah but not sure anyone else wants me belting over the racket Carly: idc about them Ali: yeah Ali: one of us gotta get home with a spotless record, tho Carly: You can't get in trouble for being loud Carly: Leesha knows that Ali: she just leads a charmed life 🍀 Carly: or 🔮 Ali: Didn't need no crystal ball to see through your plans, soz babe Carly: who does Ali: got further than you had any right Ali: poor woodfield on bog watch 'til dubo now Carly: ha Carly: gave her something to do Carly: but nobodys trying it again like Ali: reckon you're right Ali: no one got that kinda deathwish Carly: trying to kill me w a stare tho Carly: she loves it Ali: hmm Ali: less sure on that Carly: i am Carly: try it tho bitch Carly: feel 🕱 Ali: got until we get back Ali: that's when the real shit begins Ali: what're you gonna do carls Carly: idk idc Carly: theyre gonna do what they want Carly: & not like my ma & da will throw a fit Ali: sure? Ali: shame Ali: hoping your Da would move Drew on Carly: im not 12 now babe Carly: & he isn't a beautiful romany lad Carly: my ma will like the look of him i kno Ali: you're 14 Ali: still got a few more years of compulsorary giving a shit about you left Carly: yea Carly: but its no big Ali: you could get expelled Carly: nah Carly: didnt go anything cuz leesha had to speak up about it Ali: you blame her Carly: nah but its facts Carly: nothing happened Ali: I don't think that's how they see it Carly: k but Carly: idc Carly: forget it Ali: k but HOW Carly: what? Carly: dont worry about it babe k Carly: im not trying to Ali: I know you're trying to avoid a freakout but Ali: fucking hell Ali: why Carly: why what? Carly: whats your problem? Ali: only the same as yours Ali: not enjoying the chaos around us or the chaos waiting at home Carly: nah Carly: but worry about your sister Carly: this is nothing Ali: no it isn't Carly: just chatter Carly: weve heard it all before Ali: you're a we now yeah Carly: ha Carly: everyone on this coach has heard it & said it is what i mean Carly: dont be jealous babe Ali: Why would I be jealous? Carly: im only playing Carly: i kno youre not Ali: Whatever Carly: dont be mad at me Carly: be fun Ali: not feeling it Carly: baby come on Carly: why tho Ali: you actually need to ask? Carly: yea Carly: i havent done anything wrong Ali: it ain't about right or wrong Ali: it's still a mess and i'm over it Ali: that's all Carly: k Carly: but ive been a mess since we met & you cba about that before Ali: i didn't say you Ali: the situation Carly: theres no situation Carly: only sex that didnt even happen Ali: forget about it Carly: nah Carly: say what you wanna say Ali: okay, the fact he's fucking ruined this entire trip Ali: Ro had to go home Ali: and Laoise is taking the opportunity to cyberbully her about it as if she's not already fucked up enough from it Ali: and he's not even a little bit sorry that he just wasted the last 3 months of her life with his bullshit Carly: None of that's my bad Carly: be mad at him not me Ali: I am Ali: but I'm mad at you for not giving enough of a shit to not get dragged down in his crap either Carly: hes not dragging me anywhere but the bathroom Ali: bullshit Carly: nah Carly: youre making it something else Carly: its not Ali: the whole bus is slagging on you Ali: half of them wanna fight you Ali: and that's cos of this Ali: its not debateable its facts Carly: and what Carly: when dont they Ali: there was no need Carly: yea there was Ali: no worthwhile one then whatever Carly: worthwhile to me Ali: i really hope so Carly: wouldve been like Ali: i don't need to hear Carly: k Carly: be like that Ali: yeah i will Carly: why do you wanna fight w me? Ali: i don't Ali: you got your priorities i got mine Carly: but youre a priority you kno Ali: its alright Ali: let's leave this drama behind Carly: how tho Carly: youre still gonna be mad Ali: yeah but that is what it is Ali: nothing's going to change Ali: we'll both deal Carly: but Ali: idk Ali: idk what we do, if you think of something lemme know Carly: im sorry Ali: me too Carly: tell me what to do Carly: i wanna make you feel better Ali: I dunno, Carls Ali: its all already done Ali: not just you, all of us Carly: lets do something else Carly: go somewhere else Carly: whatever you want Ali: Oh, that reminds me Ali: Tommy's back, he asked if you wanna go out Carly: is it k w you if i come? Ali: yeah Carly: nah its weird Ali: no it isn't Ali: i don't wanna not see you Ali: fuck that Ali: its just this trip and him Carly: i only did it cuz he said hed hook me up when we got back Carly: i dont want him Ali: its alright Ali: you don't have to explain to me Carly: its not Carly: alright isnt how we feel you kno Ali: as far as this trip goes Ali: i'll take it, babe Carly: i shouldnt have come on it Ali: nah, don't say that Ali: apart from this shit Ali: it was good, right? Carly: but this shit happened cuz im not good Carly: my heads wrecked Ali: no Ali: it didn't Ali: yeah, you went there too but so did Laoise and it coulda been any girl Carly: she didnt fuck him for a hit tho Carly: why i gotta do that Ali: that hit of revenge Ali: worse reason, to be honest Carly: yea Carly: she is the worst we kno Ali: you're not bad Carly: im not an angel like you babe Ali: yeah you is Ali: can't fool me Carly: you cant stop being nice to me Ali: and what bitch Carly: youre meant to be mad Ali: i'm sick of it Ali: its not getting us anywhere so Carly: where you wanna get to baby Ali: better Carly: we'll start tonight Carly: out w your brother Ali: yeah Ali: fucking ray of ☀ that he is Carly: ha Carly: maybe ill find a nice girl at the club tho Carly: then youll be happy Ali: i don't wanna be that bitch about it Ali: just drew, babe, c'mon 😝 Ali: please tell me i ain't that bitch Carly: ha Carly: hes no worse than ronan tho Carly: to your sister k but not to me Ali: yeah and thinking 'bout how hard Ronan sucks made you cry the other day so Ali: 👀 Carly: dont Carly: he took your vs its so sad Carly: i wouldnt let goldie take mine nah Ali: I dunno what the fuck I was thinking Carly: youre too good Carly: you think everyone is Carly: 👼 Ali: nah Ali: I mean, he ain't the 😈 but he was bad enough for my purposes Ali: my stupid ass 🙄 Carly: nah you're too smart Carly: you knew what you were doing like Carly: been there had that fight w my ma Ali: the flashbacks not needed Ali: still got that 📢 in my ear Ali: though, probably gonna lay off a bit now Drew's showed Caleb up for the good boy he is Ali: awks Carly: its my turn Carly: thanks for turning up ma & da turn into his drama Carly: then turn away cuz nothing to see Ali: yours back home rn? Carly: nah but im sure theyll get the summons if the teachers kick off loud enough Ali: shit Ali: they gonna kill ya? Carly: theyll only be mad if their hol gets cut short but like they can go again when the teachers have had a word Carly: dont need a babysitter Ali: yeah, soz we can't come back we got free drinks here 'til next week so Carly: you kno Carly: gotta draw straws for which one shows up & who gets to keep the party going Ali: 1000 on ur dad showing up then Carly: yea Carly: plot twist my nan rocks up like it hasnt been years Carly: carly who bitch Ali: bitch same Ali: missing nan gang Ali: conspiracy, like Carly: i kno where she is but she not trying to kno us Carly: family fights like Carly: boring Ali: gurl, so much in common Ali: let tommo regale you with the fuckery Ali: other peeps drama always be more fun Ali: WELL Carly: hes such a gossipy bitch Carly: ill tell him about all this so he can have fun w Ali: beat u to the reveal honey but Ali: always more scandal I probably saved him from Carly: you been chatting about me Carly: aw Ali: yeah Ali: keep my slagging on the downlow Ali: wise up lads Carly: its k cuz youre creative Carly: its all slut, slag and whore w them Ali: truly Ali: switch it up Carly: drew did skank and he was wasted so its not hard Ali: 🤢 Ali: anything drew is capable of is basal Carly: wtf does that mean tho Carly: he calls me a bitch a lot like boy thats mine and my girl's thing k bye Ali: he talks a lotta shit for such a lil bitch boy himself Ali: yeah, back off Ali: ur not part of the gang Carly: he wants to be on you so bad that id feel bad but cant cuz yea hes a prick Ali: i can't Ali: why bitch Ali: like, i'm nice the rest of the time but like, no nicer to him than any other acquaintance Ali: and rn its clear i lowkey hate Carly: cos youre you Carly: who wouldnt want that Ali: 😽 Ali: always out here hyping me up boo Carly: yea i love you Ali: i love you too bitch Carly: serious tho Carly: im sorry Carly: i hate it when youre mad at me Ali: i swear i was never mad at you Ali: who could be mad at that lil face Ali: right teachers? 🤞 Carly: ha Carly: well they saw me making a seduction face like Carly: my bad Ali: don't act like you didn't love that too lads Carly: you kno Carly: youve seen it its good Ali: willing to write that review Carly: aww Carly: so sweet Carly: id give you top marks too baby Ali: you better 😒 Ali: don't be lying to me or yourself baby 😏 Carly: ha Carly: nah youre the best Carly: no lie Ali: 😳 Carly: so cute Ali: just trying make me have a huge head to drag my cute down Carly: nah you earned those props from me Carly: put a lot of work in Ali: no slacker 💪 Carly: facts Carly: lot of fun Ali: funsized Ali: that's my secret Carly: aw Carly: but were the same size tho Ali: exactly Ali: team pocket rocket Ali: get out giant boys Carly: your boy gotta stay cuz hes not i see you bitch Ali: 😎 Ali: you said yourself, i'm too smart Carly: 🖕 Ali: how tall is my brother Ali: forgot Ali: kick him out of his own partay how rude Carly: shit Carly: sorry boy Ali: can walk on his knees if he wanna hang Carly: or hands Carly: wtf would that make a difference nah Ali: nah babe Ali: that perfect form Ali: twat 😒😂 Carly: im too sober to have thoughts Carly: no scholarship to a fancy school for me Ali: don't be fooled, he only there 'cos he can twerk good 💅 Ali: #bitchmetoothefuck Carly: fuck why you worried about me getting expelled from here if thats what it takes to go there Carly: i got this Ali: you just gon leave me like that Ali: 😞 ok Carly: nah Carly: come w me baby Ali: running away to london Ali: heard worse plans Carly: you kno Carly: be fun Carly: we always have a good time running off together Ali: no lie Ali: maybe we can crash when he goes back early to get settled 'cos he's dramatic like that Ali: lots of fit boys, can't all be gay Carly: are they allowed to fuck Carly: or is it like footballers and shit Ali: Ooh Ali: we'll have to ask Ali: good pickup line, babe Carly: i'll ask your brother if hes getting any Ali: he'll die of embarrassment 💀 Carly: aw Carly: is he a virgin serious Ali: I think so Ali: he won't say obvs, withholding that ☕ so shady Carly: i'll ask Carly: find him a cutie to do the honors Ali: 🙈 Ali: he was feeling sorry for you but he gon' wanna square up now too Carly: yea? Carly: i need the practice if i gotta fight leesha again Ali: 😒 she better stay tf away if she knows what's good Ali: still, he used to being target practice Ali: he quick tho Carly: teach me those ballerina girl moves Carly: never went as a kid Ali: aww baby Ali: i did for the hottest of secs but Carly: bet your ma has pics im hitting her up Ali: yeah, she loves pissing herself @ me, the cow Ali: you can join now, or yoga with me, your fave 😉 Carly: nah Carly: got enough teachers on my case Carly: & bitchy girls Ali: 😱 Ali: i ain't that bad, rude Carly: never you my baby Carly: youre the only one who isnt Ali: bus full of bitches Ali: sounds like a song marlene would write Carly: pitch it to her Carly: or find her in the club Ali: maybe Ali: idk if she's got a girl rn Ali: we shall see Carly: me & her Carly: weird Carly: i'll ask her if shes feeling it Ali: oh lord Ali: can't play with her like a boy tho Ali: wifey'd up before you know it Carly: nah she scares me Carly: im a good wife tho Ali: you is Ali: but you wanna be? Carly: what? Ali: you don't wanna be no wifey Carly: not hers Ali: as long as not his either then we good Carly: ha Ali: 👀 Carly: what you saying w those beautiful eyes boo Ali: i see u and ur lack of a response is what i'm sayin Ali: honeyyyy Carly: dont Carly: i said about him before thats it Ali: i'm just playing Carly: dont Carly: he thinks it too Carly: such a prick Ali: i'm soz baby Ali: he thinks everyone loves him as much as he does Carly: yea Carly: i need to find a new dealer Ali: honey, in this town? done is done Ali: find one tonight Carly: so smart

[daysofaheartbreak]

Day 3

i knew that today was going to be one of the hardest days for me .. because today i actually had to see him. i woke up around 4 in the morning crying and throwing up and then i was late for school because my alarm didn’t go off .. i dreamt that his sister had 3 pet jelly fish and she was cleaning the cage for them , other things happened in the dream but those jelly fish were most important and that was the part of the dream i grabbed onto the most .. when i woke up i went on dream interpretations website and found out the meaning of jelly fish meant painful memories .. and when i read that i immediately started cry , thinking of everything that we ever said to each other , everything we ever did to each other .. i just thought of everything and my heart began hurting again .. i cried for like 5 to 10 minutes then got myself together for school.. i wanted to see him but then again i didn’t , i knew it was gonna be hard and as soon as the bell went off i immediately wanted to throw up again .. my brothers bestfriend came up to me and asked how me and him were and i told her we werent together and she said awwe attempted to hug me i pushed her away and told her not to do that please as the tears welled up in my eyes walking down the halls i met 2 of my closest friends albert and taylor .. i asked them if they seen him because they had to pass by the class we were in together and taylor told me that he went inside , i tried to stay strong then she asked if she wanted me to have her walk me down there .. i told her that it i’ll be fine and she walked to class and yelled back for me to text her walking in class i was shaking , my body couldn’t sit still .. i tried my best not to make eye contact with him or even look his direction , but it was hard .. it hurt me that i couldnt go up to him and kiss him and tell him that i missed him .. we were done .. my friend khalil came to me and kept telling me to smile and everytime he said smile i had to swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears .. it was hard , i tried my best not to cry we all went up to get our clickers for a review test we were taking , i stayed seated but he got up and went to get his remote and when i saw him i immediately looked away .. i just buried my head in my hands until i felt enough time passes by for me to look up .. i couldnt take it anymore , i couldnt even breathe in that room i asked to use the bathroom and literally ran out .. my intentions was not to come back i sat in the bathroom and i cried , i cried , i cried , and i cried .. my heart was just aching .. it was a deep pain and i couldnt do anything about it , my eyes started burning and i began throwing up then i got angry at myself , i was tired of crying .. i was tired of feeling this way i just want to get it over with .. after about 20 minutes in the restroom i decided to go back i prayed when i walked in no one would see how puffy my eyes were and to my luck the lights were off due to us doing a review and with that review everyone moved their seat .. so i literally had no where to sit but in front of him .. i took my seat and prayed that no one heard my sniffles or noticed me crying i swear that had to be the longest review ever as soon as we got out of class i rushed to my 3rd period put on my headphones put my head down and cried … i texted him , i told him fuck the space i need him , i need to be with him .. he asked me what was wrong and i told him that i wasnt eating and im hurting so bad and that im throwing up and what not and this man told me he didnt know what to do .. like that right there hurt my heart for some reason .. i excused myself to go to the restroom and continued to text him i cried for about 10 minutes .. and i dont know what i was thinking but i told him to meet me by the bathroom he texted me less than 2 minutes later that he was at the hall we would usually meet up at by the bathroom and i walked out of the bathroom and saw him … my heart was beating so fast he smiled and me and it was like i instinctively ran into his arms and cried .. i didnt cry , i bawled .. he tried to hush me and told me to calm down and i broke from the embrace and told him i couldn’t do this .. i rested myself into his chest once again and cried we took a seat on some benches that were near and talked i couldnt even talk i just cried .. he continuously told me to calm down and breathe and relax but i couldn’t everytime i word would come out it came out with a sob he told me to talk to him and tell him everything so i did .. i told him how i’ve been feeling lost and that no one cares , my bestfriends dont even care that im going through this because they’re so caught up in what their doing i told him how i wasnt eating .. and how i feel like i cant do anything he told me i could , he told me that i was gonna make it through this and all i kept telling was i cant i told him that i dont know what to do .. he told me this is why he felt as if now was the best time to do this .. so he could comfort me .. he told me that he didn’t want to kiss on me and hug on me and confuse and i was told him i didnt care i and i lunged back into his arms again i told him i wanted to be with him so bad and i just want to be happy now until he goes and he told me that he’d rather see me just get through it now then for him to be gone and him not here to help me through it .. honestly it wasnt making any sense to me .. i just wanted to be with him until he left , i wanted to at least be happy with him until the time came .. yes i would be hurt but at least i know we spent every second we could together .. he kept trying to take my mind off of it and tried to make me laugh and it worked but not good enough he kept telling me how sorry he was that he put me through this and this of that nature .. he kept telling me to look at him but i couldn’t look at him without crying .. i couldn’t make eye contact , everytime i did it was like my heart broke because i knew it was over .. that he would never be mine again .. and he told me that i couldnt even look at him without crying and how that hurts him.. he told me he didnt want me to be in school like this and to have my mom pick me up or something and i told him she wasnt , i told him i was gonna stay right there until i got my head straight .. he asked if i wanted him to meet me a lunch because we have 2 different lunches and i said sure .. after we talked a little more he went back to class and gave me a final hug and i sat there and cried until my 7th period teacher seen me and asked whats wrong and i couldn’t even answer i just cried harder , he brought me to my guidance counselor and i told her what happened , then she called my mom and asked her if it was ok with her that i stay in the office until i felt ready enough to go back to class .. my mom said that was fine then she spoke to me on the phone she told me that she didn’t want me at school crying and yes it hurts but she doesnt want me drowning in this , she doesn’t want this to break me .. she told me i am the strongest girl she knows and that she loved me .. after that i got my work from my teacher and i stayed in there and completed my work .. my mom called me , which was unexpected and she asked if i could talk and i said yea she told me that she felt like she should tell me this even though its gonna hurt and i asked her what was it , she told me that justin told my brother i forced him into a relationship with me and when i heard that i felt something tug on my heart and she said she knew how angry i was and she wanted me to use that anger and make myself better as soon as we got off the phone and i texted him did he feel like i forced this relationship upon him and he asked me what then i repeated the question and told him to be honest with me even though it would hurt he said he never said that , he told cedric that he didnt want nor was expecting a relationship but when he caught feelings everything changed and i just texted back that i didnt want to look stupid for me to just pour and cry my heart out to you and for me to hear that just broke me and of course he asked who did i hear this from and i ignored his question and continued to tell him how i didnt want to look stupid he told me that he wouldnt do that too me , that everything was real i was gonna meet up with him when i got out the office but he didnt text back i time but luckily when i walked out i saw my brother and i asked him about the situation and he told me that he never said i forced him into a relationship he just felt like we rushed into things not knowing exactly where either of our heads were and that’s understandable so now im just thinking my mom is just telling me things so i wont cry to her anymore or that she wont have to see me hurt and that kind of hurt knowing she twisted what was said but it was understandable so i went to lunch and talked to my friends , i was fine like really .. then in 5th period i went to talk to my bestfriend lexi about what he said when he called and things like that .. and to think her being my bestfriend she would be the first to know but she really didnt care and as i was talking to her i could tell she really wasnt paying attention.. i was telling her about how i meet up with him and what was said and she cut me off mid story and told me how stupid i was and how she didnt want to hear anything about me and him , she said i was stupid for crying to him and telling him that i needed him like she was not joking , she was deadass serious .. when she said that i didnt know what to think so i just stopped talking and i completed my work i texted him about what she said and all he said was thats fucked up , damn .. like im confused about everything at this point .. like really that all you had to say .. i just said whatever and kept it moving .. i walked to my 6th period class with john. i loved john soo much because he was the only one going through this with me .. like fuck everyone else , i asked him if i was stupid for wanting to meet up with him and telling him the stuff i did and crying to him and shit he told me no that i wasnt , he told me that im hurt right now i thought that was the best way to get closure , he told me it was messed up how lexi handled the situation and that if i need anyone to talk to hes here for me .. i thanked him and walked into my 6th period i sat down and prepared myself to cry but then the boy that wanted to talk to me hugged me and said wassupp babygirl and that put a smile on my face so i kind of pushed back the tears and hugged him he pulled up a chair next to me and for most of the class period we played word cookies and the rest of the class we laughed about a state farm commercial .. after that we exchanged numbers and i went into my 7th period i sat down at my desk and my 7th period teacher came up and asked me if i was ok , i told him yes and he was like no you’re not something is really bothering you , i told him i didnt want to talk about it but i would be fine he gave me a smile and went back to his desk the rest of the class period i spent laughing with one of my good friends kaleab and cheating on our practice eoc .. i checked my phone and justin had replied to the text i sent earlier and he told me i didnt have to feel alone because i have him , my mom , my brother and my friends i told him i dont have you because eventually youre gonna get tired of me crying to you about the situation and dont tell me youre not because you are , i dont have my friends because none of them give a fuck except for 1 and im so thankful for him and i told him that i couldnt even talk to my brother because he’s just giving me false hope that me and him would be back together … ( him and my brother are really good friends ) , he replied with ’ wyd ’ then i just replied with a disappointed emoji and thats when i knew he didnt care , he didnt care i felt like this whole him being there for me and shit was just bullshit .. and then i started to feel like he was getting tired of me so i just let it be .. we had a small talk then i asked him how was he taking things so easy and he said because he felt that he did things for the right reason .. i began walking home while we were having this conversation i asked him was even sad and does it even effect him he told me yes he was sad and that he didnt know what to tell people when they asked about us .. at this point i just felt like he was feeding me bullshit and it kind of hurt .. so my mind just told me tati you gotta stop talking to this boy .. this only gonna hurt you more .. communicating with him is gonna hurt you more , i told myself that i knew he was getting tired of me and that i just needed a break from him .. because honestly i thought i knew what he was thinking but i didn’t and i really wish i was a mind reader so i told him that i needed space once again to clear my head and i’m sorry if im confusing him because i didn’t know what i wanted i told him that i loved him and we would talk soon and he replied hours later with ’ ttyl ’ that right there .. it was the breaking point for me .. that right there made me knew that he really didnt care and i know im not his girlfriend so it was just like whatever at this point at this point it’s a whatever , i just want to cry and let everything out and just be over him and the situation so i found a couple things to make me happy .. i watched dashie for hours which is what i’ve been doing ever since and i got my tumblr back and just being on my page which i haven’t been on in years just makes me look back on all the things that made me happy before he came into my life .. so i was at peace for a while .. i explained to my mom that i felt like all of my friends were there for me the way i would be for them and i told her about what lexi said and she told me that thats really messed up that theyre not giving me the comfort i need and she said maybe they didnt know how to comfort me because im always the one fixing their problems and making sure everything is ok and that their good and comforted she said when the person that is suppose to hold everything together is falling apart themselves they dont know what to do .. they dont know how to handle , and that was understandable so i let it be .. at this point .. im just confused and i just want all the pain to go away .. im so glad it’s a friday and i have 2 days to work on myself .. it’s just hurts you know , like i dont know what to think at this point when it comes to him .. it’s like he says he cares and hes showing cares but i feel like it’s not enough and i guess hes being this way because we arent together and he doesnt want me to get the wrong message or whatever but still .. dont say you’re gonna be there for me when you’re not … it’s like one minute he’s telling me that he doesnt want to lose me then the next hes doing the exact shit to make me not even want to talk to him , make me not even want even speak to him again.. he’s making me feel like im stupid for crying and feeling this way .. i dont know anything anymore , im lost when i start to feel like a burden to someone i just back away and this is why i dont let people know my problems …