#aaron doesnt hear it the first time and asks him to repeat!!

[ienvysomegays]

brb crying over kevin day and history

[actualbird]

hiya zak!!! it's 2am and i can't stop thinking about it- but if you had the chance to write how luke gets cured of his illness in canon, how would you do it? (eg. via "surgery, but there's risks"/"oh we found a magical anecdote to your illness, yippee!...etc etc)

hiya "anon" hehe >:3c!!!! first off, thank you for this ask cuz it's super interesting. my answer to this is rather specific and looks bad at first but Trust Me and hear me out on this alright

if i had the chance to write how luke gets cured, i wouldnt make him 100% cured. medically (and this is very vague because im not a doctor), i would make it so that maybe new medication or a new treatment plan is found that makes his illness no longer terminal, but chronic. the new treatment has to be taken regularly as maintenance, along with regular diagnostic tests like EEGs and regular check ups with aaron. the new treatment would also come with a lot of side effects like mood swings, fatigue, nausea, etc.

basically: i dont want him to be cured, but i obviously dont want him to die. however, i want him to have to fight this for the rest of his long life.

it'll be an arduous process, one that never ends, but one he has to get through. and one he dedicates himself to do every day, because it's worth it, because it's worth life,

because he's worth life.

why do i want this? well, first off, it's because i'd love to see more chronic physical illness representation in fiction. it's not always clear cut with illnesses, and sometimes there Isnt a grand cure and it's more like an endless slog of maintenance

second off, i will repeat something i said in a previous ask i answered about luke's illness, but a sudden and 100% cure feels like a too-neat deus ex machina to me, narratively. his illness has been shown to be as Very lethal and Very painful and Very hard to treat, so for all of that to suddenly go away, well....the writing would feel a tad cheap to me if it were that easy.

and third off, because it'd fit well with the themes of luke's stories and luke's character

actually, let me go back to that previous ask i linked because im gonna copy paste a whole lot from it HAHA since my view hasnt changed since i wrote it. in that last ask i say:

in general with stories, i am less drawn to super neat resolutions and im more drawn to resolutions that are more like “and things werent perfect and they never will be, there will always be problems, but our characters will be okay and theyll keep getting better and better, and it’s in this push and pull of struggle and learning and progress and getting through where their happiness lies” ever since luke was a kid, even before he developed his condition, hes had the fear of being a burden to his loved ones. and when he does get his terminal condition, this fear is worsened and he starts to see his existence in other people’s lives as a whole as a burden of pain and grief that isnt worth the trouble. and…i dunno, i just like the idea of him continuing to live but also continuing to have these problems that still spark fear inside of him and still take so much work to manage every day. and out of habit, he braces himself for pain, not just for the kind his condition gives him but from Life because Surely, His Loved Ones Will Get Tired Of All Of This, Of Him and The Problems He Comes With, Right? but surprise surprise, they dont. because they care about him. because this should not and is not a dealbreaker for them continuing to care about him. aaron creates treatment thats more on the preventative maintenance meds angle so luke doesnt have to just wait for a pain episode to pop up and then dry swallow painkillers every time. it’s not infallible , but sometimes luke can have hours, even a whole a day sometimes where the pain hes bracing himself for doesnt come. mc always reminds luke to take his meds whenever luke gets too busy or caught up in a case. he worries at first that it’s an inconvenience to her for her to have to remember his routines for him just in case, but that worry becomes quieter as luke realizes she reminds him in the same tone as she says “good morning” or “have you had lunch yet? wanna join me?”, just this casual and loving thing thats now integrated into both their lives the team are always ready to help too in their own way. when luke gets a pain episode in hq, marius offers distraction in the form of idle chatter on (harmless) internal pax gossip while luke waits for his painkillers to dull down the stinging. when luke feels uncomfortable tingling crawling across his whole body while out with vyn, vyn subtly helps luke move from a crowded area to a quieter one where outside stimuli cant further overwhelm luke’s senses. when it’s a bad grip strength day and all luke wants to do is punch something and fuck his useless hands up even more, artem tells luke about custom silicone grips that exist for things like pens or knives or such and that they could look for some next time they go shopping. it is not perfect. but luke’s life, even with the pain, is still worth living. everybody is trying to help and eventually, luke learns how to start helping him self along with them too.

in summary: i think luke is a fighter. i do wish he had less battles to fight, but one battle that is important for him to fight is the fight to believe that he is worth living and worth joy in spite of it all

so if i had my way, i'd write him having to manage his illness for the rest of his life

and i'd also write him having a full and happy life while doing that anyway

thank you for the ask!! :'D

[theravenkin]

i am sitting in bed in the dark on my phone and i wrote an angsty twinyards one shot on my phone. don't know what is wrong with me but it's something. here.

*TW: panic attack, vomiting, drugs, vague reference to abuse, general AFTG-typical bullshit*

"stop," andrew repeats. "stop it." he rubs aaron's back as he heaves again. andrew itches all over with the memories picking at the edges of his mind. he pushes them away, focusing on his brother. "you're fine. just breathe."

as aaron goes blessedly, dangerously quiet for a moment, trying to calm his gasping breaths, andrew can hear the others lingering near the doorway.

"fuck, fuck, fuck," says a soft, gravely voice. it is katelyn. andrew doesn't turn around.

"hey, i talked to abby, and--" matt isn't talking to him, but andrew cuts him off.

"i don't care," he says. he holds up the plastic solo cup beside him. "get him more water. some crackers or something, too. he's almost done."

matt, thankfully, does as he's told and gets out. andrew finally turns to look at the others. katelyn leans in the doorway, viciously chewing on her nails. neil stands beside her, watching her, standing guard to make sure she doesn't interfere with andrew's operation. neil's his second in this fight, he thinks.

aaron coughs and sits up from the toilet. he sways a little, eyes unfocused.

"i'm sorry," he croaks. andrew cuffs him lightly. "ow," he says without much conviction.

"shut up. are you done freaking out?"

"you just told me to shut up. how am i supposed to answer--"

the return of the snark means he is, in fact, done freaking out, returned to baseline. andrew punches him in the arm lightly as katelyn snorts in the background. andrew ignores her.

aaron takes a deep, shuddering breath. he deflates as the tension that'd been holding him together evaporates. he wipes his face on his sleeve and tries to stand up. andrew pulls him back down. he stays.

matt comes back with water and crackers. "hey matt," katelyn says roughly, "do you guys have any gatorade?" matt turns back around to get some. andrew swallows down a wave of irritation.

aaron drinks the water, eats the crackers, and drinks the gatorade, and only then does andrew let him stand. he leads him to the couch, but aaron shakes his head. "nah, i'm...i think i'm gonna go lay down." andrew holds a steadying hand on aaron's shoulder for a couple steps, but aaron isn't stumbling as much as he was before. andrew lets go and lets him walk on his own.

"do you want me to..." katelyn asks softly.

aaron turns around to look at her, but doesn't quite meet her eyes. "no," he chokes. he clears his throat. "um...no, i'm good. just need...some time." he continues to look at the ground before her.

she smiles and nods easily. "alright, sounds good. i'll stick around for awhile, if that's alright?"

aaron nods.

"alright. i'll just chill on the couch for a bit, then."

andrew wants to slap the pitiful look off aaron's face, but he doesnt. he just watches aaron disappear into the bedroom without another word.

the others stand there for a beat, quiet and unsure how to process among themselves what just happened. matt is the first to break the silence.

"uh," he sighs, "i'm...gonna go. to the store. yeah, i'm gonna go to the store. get some more gatorade, and stuff. i'll be back in a while."

neil catches andrew's gaze and andrew reads the minute change in his expression as inquisitive. he looks at matt, then back at neil, and nods, gesturing with his chin to the door. go. neil nods, gives him one more firm look--it's okay, you're okay, i'm okay, he's okay, be careful, don't fuck anything up, i love you-- and follows matt out of the dorm.

when he looks back, katelyn is sat on the couch. she stares ahead, silent. she doesn't seem scared of him, like she used to, or even resentful of him, like she has more recently. she doesn't show any sign that she's even aware of him. she's lost in her head, eyes blazing. andrew watches her grind her teeth; otherwise, she is still.

he casually strolls over and sits on the opposite end of the couch. still, she gives no indication that she gives a fuck.

he stares at the same wall that she does and lets the silence stew for a few moments, dreading when he inevitably has to puncture it.

"so," he begins, keeping his voice carefully neutral and breezy, "are you going to tell me what triggered that little episode?"

she remains catatonic for a moment in which andrew feels anger coming off of her in waves. he wants to throw her out the window by her hair. but he can't, unfortunately--not when she was the one who'd been keeping aaron from choking on his own panic until andrew got there. not when she'd called andrew first, the minute she knew something was wrong.

no one else. him. she called him.

she sighs through her nose. "the episode--do you mean the panic attack? or the substance binge?" he feels her turn her head to look at the side of his. though it makes his skin prickle in discomfort, he turns to meet her.

she is like andrew has not seen her before--tightly-coiled, like she is ready to fight. he didn't know she fought. maybe she doesn't. maybe the instinct is separate from the skill.

andrew doesn't reply, nor does he show surprise, so she keeps going. "he apparently thought it was a good idea to mix liquor with 25 grams on an empty stomach."

andrew gives her a bored look. "oh no, how shocking and bad." he checks his nails, performing dismissiveness. "he--"

"shut up," she says. he whips his gaze back to hers. she looks quietly, coldly furious. "i know he's done worse. i know. but, god--he'd been doing so good. and, fuck--pills, coke, weed, whatever--it doesn't matter what he chooses to hurt himself with, does it?"

andrew sucks his teeth, but she doesn't let him get a word in.

"he hasn't been doing shit like that at all, lately, it's just--" she sighs, and it snags on the way out. she works her jaw for a moment, looking at the ceiling.

"he..." she tries at last. "he mentioned something about having a dream about his mom last night. and i knew he was having a bad day, all day, i could tell. he said he was gonna take half a dose just to settle his nerves, but..." she shakes her head. "i keep thinking, you know, 'i should've known better, i shouldn't have left, i should've stayed with him all day', but i know that's not." she clenches her fists; her knuckles go white. andrew is silent.

"he's not exactly stable, but he's an adult, and he doesn't need a babysitter. i'm not his..." she purses her lips as though she's tasted something sour.

"he greened out," she says simply, short and clipped. she picks at a loose thread in the sofa. "hard. plus the alcohol, plus the general anxiety all day. that's all. he made a stupid decision."

andrew is still for a while, then finally, finally nods. "and then he spiraled," he says, matter of fact.

she nods in return, looking dejectedly at the floor. "mhm."

she worries the thread looser. "he, um..." she clears her throat. "he was babbling, while he was panicking, before he started throwing up. he...god, he was so fucked up." she shakes her head, the coil tightening. "he was just rambling, and at some point, he...he said something about 'her'. he was just like, 'fuck, when is she getting home? what time is it? what time is it?' he was terrified, kept saying 'she' was coming home early."

andrew's chest tightens. he grinds his teeth once, twice, three times, to feel the sharp pain stab through his jaw.

"cant fool a junkie into believing you're not high," he manages, but his throat is dry and the words come out cracked. he resists the urge to cough.

katelyn releases a shuddering breath. he looks up, but she's staring at the wall again, the intensity reeled back inside of her. it bubbles under the surface.

"i'm glad that you killed her," she says lightly. andrew's heart thumps hard, making his chest shake. he swallows.

"he told me," she adds. her tone is coldly nonchalant. "he told me what you did. or, what he thinks you did. i don't disbelieve it."

she finally looks at him. "either way, i'm glad she's dead." in her eyes is that intensity, simmering under the lid, about to boil over. "my only regret is that i wasn't there to do it myself."

she holds his gaze for a half-second longer before she turns back to face the wall. her legs are crossed at the knee, her manicured hands folded neatly, properly in her lap. she sits perfectly still.

andrew watches her. he watches, because when he doesn't know what to do, he steps back and observes while he figures it out. he's trying to figure katelyn out--something he hadnt bothered to do before, out of bitterness, the resentment of the rebuked. but now, he watches, watches, trying to put a name to the thing she is.

a year ago, she'd been a threat to his brother's health, a threat to his own place in his brothers life. a threat to whatever value he had to aaron.

now, all he sees is a threat, plain and simple.

for a while they sit in silence, andrew sometimes watching her, sometimes not. sometimes he thinks, sometimes he listens to the hum of electricity in the walls. sometimes he wonders if he can hear aaron breathing or snoring or weeping through the wall, but he can't.

matt and neil return soon enough, and they look at the scene the two of them make like it's a fallout. matt moves slowly and quietly, so as not to spook. neil shuffles to the perimeter of the sitting area, hovering within a safe distance. not trying to interject; just reminding them, /we are here, and this is weird, and i want to know what is going on/. andrew flicks him a glance, annoyed, but tired enough that he could fall into neil's arms. he looks away again.

after a few minutes of neil hovering and matt pretending to still be putting groceries away and the other two stewing in their own silence, the bedroom door creaks open. aaron takes half a step out, looking every bit the beaten and broken fifteen year old andrew loathed. aaron's hunched frame makes him sick.

"hey, kate," he croaks, sounding as pathetic as he looks. "um, if you wanna...come in. we could talk, or." he looks around at the others, shame resting in the bags under his eyes. "whatever."

katelyn watches him. evaluates him. he's the only person in the room to her, in this moment. andrew reads that plain on her face, as clear to see as her anger had been seconds ago. she gives aaron the shittiest, dullest half-smile. "how about you take another few minutes, and then i'll be right in. is that okay?"

aaron's shoulders sink down further, like his guilt is gravity. "yeah," he rasps. he closes the door.

the boys are frozen. katelyn is still. she sighs, runs her nails against her scalp, smooths her hair back. then she turns to andrew. she waits.

he sighs. "i tried to get rid of her," he says at last.

katelyn gives him that same shitty not-smile. "yeah," she says. "we keep trying, keep trying to get rid of her, don't we?"

andrew sniffs. she shrugs. she stands, but doesn't go anywhere for a moment; he looks up at her.

"we're doing our best, i think," she says. she leaves that between them; they hold it between them. they don't look each other in the eyes anymore, but they hold that thing between them. then, at the same time, they let go, and she walks to the bedroom door, slipping inside.

andrew slumps back against the cushions, the coiled tension that'd been holding him upright finally unfurling.

[pansexualhero]

South Africa Day 2

In the morning I stirred at 5am because all the lights were left on, and nana was walking around coughing and just doing things. I tried to just be on my phone and fall asleep again and Nana was like please help me with the kindle. I was asleep before her and after her. I swear she doesnt sleep - like a Gremlin Vampire. The pottering around was very irritating. 

Anyway, wake again at 7. Had breakfast. Breakfast was good, had scrambled eggs with baked beans and mushroom on toast.  Nana was irritating, talked to another couple for a very long time at breakfast, bragged about me and mostly daniel and noah. Repeated things alot, cut off the other old couple when they tried to talk. 

Got dressed, the driver was meant to get us at 10. She thought it was meant to be at 7 30. We got down at 9 30 and started our tour. We went to Cable Mountain. THe tour guide was agreat, a nice break from being solely around my grandma. She was cool, used to be the absailing person up top Cable mountain and did hikes at Lions head almost every day. 

Cable mountain was beautiful. The actal cable ride was so odd, the floor rotated giving us a 360 view.  Up top, we got a wheelchair for nana as, on the way to the cable ride - a short walk she needed a break and cable mountain is rocky. Up top there were not many wheelchair accessible places. so we went to those places first, i took a bunch of selfies and pictures. I looked cute despite being siper hot. The lovely tour guide told me to go for a walk around. I saw this adorable little brown creature. Took a picture of him too. the walk was great, I had music playing and the view was incredible. I got a moment break from Nana.

We got back down eventually, back inthe car. we drove around for 30 minutes exploring the city. Nana interrupted the tour guides so many times and told her about sydney instead of listening to what she paid for and was just disrespectful in an old person way. but surely she didnt need to talk about sydney that much. why go to south africa if youre just gonna think about sydney. 

Next we went to the noon gun. Which is a cannon that fires every day except sunday and public holidays in south africa. it was awesome. The tour guide to cover my ears and open my mouth. I covered one ear and took a picture with the other hand and opened my mouth. It felt like a punch to the chest. It was so loud and the force was to strong. It was incredible. Nana almost missed it because she spent like 5 minutes fumbling with her hearing aids. Did i mention to get nana on and off the van i had to physically lift her? lots of touching. yick. I hate all the touching nana is doing. She keeps holding my hand and touching me. 

Next we went back on the city tour, which was rushed to get the noon cannon. was cool, minorly interesting. I dont think knowing the history of cities is my jam, as bad as that sounds. but i wont retain any of that information.  Then we went to a diamond shop. it was really dull. I hated it. We can’t do some of the cooler things because it involves walking or uneven surfaces and such.  

We got back and i was getting really agitated because nana was getting just so so much for me.  I really have little tolerance for her and her telling me how lucky iam and how great she is. So i got back and had a whine to bobby. He told me to put my big girl pants on and just say im going out for a walk. 

I did that and managed to get some RANS. dope. free money. 

I walked to the coast bit near the hotel. I went to the art market, I had brief glimpses in but not stoked. I asked bobby is he wanted me to get him anything. He said a live snake and i was like probs not gonna happen. at that very moment i ofund a live snake museum thing. I had to pay entry. i think it was $2.50 entry?  either that or 25. regardless it was good. that snakes were beautiful and big and so slithery. it was lovely. 

 Then i went to the food market. I wanted everything but I have dinner tonight so not going to get too full. So I bought a nice cold beer - pale ale. Really good. I bought this like weird jerky thing of some like deer animal.  it was great. ate the whole bit i ate with my beer and called aaron. He was cute and stoned.

Then i sat to listen to a busker who had a lovely voice but i noticed DOGS. anyway theres this thing where dogs are kinda just displayed in the town centre to get adopted. It was really hot and the dogs were not happy. just sleeping sadly. it was sad to see but i got to pat some and that made me feel a bit better.

Started walking back and got a call from nana being like you ok? yep. but was walking back anyway so continued doing that. Now I write after being pestered alot about inconsequential details about nanas phone calls, eating habits, drinking tea. etc. shes really boring.  

Anyway i try and be positive, but its really hard. right now i sit in the hotel room and she is less than a metre from me, coughing hard and definitely coughing up blood. its very gross. shes just like this everpresent force of annoyance. 

I will probably eat then go for a swim after a bit. its still like 30 degrees so the pool will be lovely later. 

overall day rating 5/10. 

oh also, someone died right next to my old house and jamie commented that finally someone had killed me. Which like, we havent talked for over a year mate. we dont like each other. dont try and make jokes. to me I received that message as ill intent. A solid fuck you. Youre a cruel dickhead. And i wish nothing but the worst for your life. Its just expecially cruel because he didnt know I moved houses, and i hadnt been active on social media so fuck it could have been me. dick. Thanks bella for standing up for me. I value her. Everyone else who stayed quiet can shove it.  But yeah i like to think im calm but nana really takes it out of me. i am rage. i just dont want to talk or be bothered, i dont want conversation. i just want quiet.