#also I think it's getting weird how people insist Lord of the Flies is utterly irrelevant to them

[mumblingsage]

If I see one more person complain about Catcher in the Rye because "the protagonist is so whiny and unrelatable" I'm going to have to actually read it won't I.

[garden-ghoul]

return of the blog, part 9

“I don’t want to stop thinking about the space opera version of the legendarium...”

THE FIELD OF CORMALLEN

The moment Sauron gets distracted and begins to doubt himself, every single one of his solders feels the hand lighten up on the back of their neck and goes “oh fuck, what am I doing?” WAIT. SO THE WAY SAURON KEEPS HIS SOLDIERS FROM DESERTING IS CONSTANTLY MIND CONTROLLING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM? No, no, that probably only works when they’re all gathered together like this. Still, that’s a hell of a thing to be able to do. Think of all the stuff he could get done if he stopped spending 500% of his energy breathing down everyone’s necks!

Orodruin wheezes out a huge puff of black smoke. It’s Sauron, probably, or at least a metaphor for Sauron. He reaches out a threatening hand, but gets blown away by the wind before he can touch the Western Alliance. The people whose wills he enslaved are so confused that they start running around knocking into each other, tripping on their swords and dying, killing each other, they just do not know what is going on and it has massive casualties. A few of the humans who actually do hate the West hunker down and prepare to fight, but everyone else is running around like headless chickens. Gandalf asks Gwaihir to come fly him to Orodruin. Gwaihir is like “bro I am always here for you, I love you so much.” It’s very sweet and I want to hear more about their relationship.

Very jarringly, without so much as a section break (at least in my bootleg online copy) Frodo repeats his line from the end of last chapter, and then goes on to say some more extremely depressing things. Sam insists on walking a ways down the mountain, because what else are they going to do? But they fetch up in front of a huge pyroclastic flow so, no dice. Just as the eagles spot them, they both pass out. I really like how they each need an entire eagle to carry them, even though they are about a hundred pounds each probably, and I previously assumed these were giant eagles. Maybe they are... eagles that are only slightly larger than normal earth eagles?? Like, a condor and a half. Huge birds, but still of earthly proportion. Love it.

On April 8th, Sam wakes up again, and thinks he’s dreaming. This is nice and all, but they were literally starving when they were last awake several weeks ago (March 25th, Gandalf helpfully reminds us, which has now been declared new year’s day in Gondor). Unless someone invented intravenous feeding tubes while I wasn’t looking, they should be dead.

No. uh. ~~magic!~~

They walk outside (they’re in Ithilien, but Aragorn seems to be having his coronation here anyway? rather than in Minas Tirith?) and a bunch of people are shouting “PRAISE THE HOBBITS! PRAISE THEM WITH GREAT PRAISE! SAM AND FRODO HIP HIP HOORAY!” Which is extremely embarrassing. Even Aragorn, the guy of the day, takes their hands and shouts “PRAISE THEM WITH GREAT PRAISE!” This is starting to feel a little bit like a weird horror story, like where you wake up and the world has been altered in some way and everyone is acting Off and nobody will explain anything and it’s upsetting.

Sam, however, is just happy that someone wrote a song about Frodo.

They talk with everyone and feast and stuff for the whole day. Also apparently it’s Aragorn who kept them alive with his ~healing True King hands~. This still explains nothing. And I guess on May Day Aragorn is returning to Minas Tirith, for symbolism reasons. Waves a tiny flag apathetically. This was a very dull chapter because everything was summarized instead of told properly; we were supposed to feel happy, but it was like dutifully chewing kale. Except worse because I’m actually quite fond of kale. I can’t think of anything chewy. Gristle?

THE STEWARD AND THE KING

Heyyyyyy sounds like we’re gonna hear about Faramir! Fingers crossed for gay shit.

Eowyn is running around out of her bed when she shouldn’t be, because she’s as strong as a horse and bored bored bored. She picks a minor fight with the chief healer for saying maybe wars are bad and demands to know if there are any deeds to do. Gah I love her. Finally the healer, exasperated, takes her to the steward of the city so she can pester him instead. “Do not misunderstand him, lord,” says Éowyn. “It is not lack of care that grieves me. No houses could be fairer, for those who desire to be healed. But I cannot lie in sloth, idle, caged. I looked for death in battle. But I have not died, and battle still goes on."

Ugh. Eowyn is pulling a real Marius Pontmercy here.

“Make the healers let me go,” she says. 

“Have you considered... maybe they know what they’re doing?” says Faramir. 

“I WANT... TO GO TO BATTLE. I want to be like my father! Honorable and dead!” Okay why is Eowyn so set on being dead. I’m not entirely sure where this characterization is coming from. Has she always been lowkey suicidal and it just looked like she wanted to do glorious deeds? She sort of gives in eventually and accepts that this battle is already too far away for her to join in. Faramir doesn’t want her to be bored and antsy, so he asks her to hang out with him while they’re both healing. He also tells her she’s beautiful, and she’s like “Uhhhh sorry I’m too butch for this.” And leaves.

Faramir hunts down Merry to question him about Eowyn, and they loiter in the garden hopefully waiting for her to show up. She doesn’t. She does come later, and they start hanging out a lot. He gives her a super nice coat that his mom (Finduilas of Amroth!) used to own. Eowyn keeps looking toward Mordor and sighing and saying “When will he come back??” And it’s clear she’s utterly oblivious to Faramir’s gentle flirting. But she does hold hands with him without either of them noticing, so ???

AH. Faramir also makes a Numenor comparison as great plumes of smoke rise up from Mordor:

It seemed to them that above the ridges of the distant mountains another vast mountain of darkness rose, towering up like a wave that should engulf the world, and about it lightnings flickered; and then a tremor ran through the earth, and they felt the walls of the City quiver. A sound like a sigh went up from all the lands about them; and their hearts beat suddenly again.

‘It reminds me of Númenor,’ said Faramir. “The land of Westernesse that foundered and of the great dark wave climbing over the green lands and above the hills, and coming on, darkness unescapable. I often dream of it.’

Ugh I don’t even care about Hamilton but I think so much about that line that’s like “I imagine death so often it feels more like a memory.” It’s both how I feel about Faramir, and clearly how Faramir himself feels.

Just then an eagle flies by the city, singing the news. This is so goofy compared to Faramir’s congenital solemnity. Oh this is good though. After he takes up stewardship of the city Eowyn has an Angst. Faramir tries to be oblique about asking if she likes him, but she makes him come out and say it.

‘Éowyn, do you not love me, or will you not?’

‘I wished to be loved by another,’ she answered. ‘But I desire no man’s pity.’

I’m gay? oh haha,

'As a great captain may to a young soldier he seemed to you admirable. For so he is, a lord among men, the greatest that now is. But when he gave you only understanding and pity, then you desired to have nothing, unless a brave death in battle.’

Haha yes gogol was right

'Do not scorn pity that is the gift of a gentle heart, Éowyn! But I do not offer you my pity. For you are a lady high and valiant and have yourself won renown that shall not be forgotten; and you are a lady beautiful, I deem, beyond even the words of the Elven-tongue to tell. And I love you. Once I pitied your sorrow. But now, were you sorrowless, without fear or any lack, were you the blissful Queen of Gondor, still I would love you.’

“I would love you even if you were happy” is such a fucked up thing to have to say, honestly. BUT, “I love you for doing great deeds and this is not a pity-date” is exactly what Eowyn wants to hear, probably.

‘I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.’

Wait

I mean. This is a great thing, not killing people, and I have always associated becoming trans with putting down one’s sword, but this feels like. “oh finally she can be a real woman.” So Johnald thinks, but in fact Eowyn is trans and wants to be a gentleman/gentle man. So I’m putting my grubby queer fingers all over this and saying it’s really good that Eowyn is associating masculinity with peace and healing and growth.

Faramir asks Eowyn to marry him and she says,

‘Then must I leave my own people, man of Gondor? And would you have your proud folk say of you: “There goes a lord who tamed a wild shieldmaiden of the North! Was there no woman of the race of Númenor to choose?”’

For some dumb reason he interprets this as her being worried about his reputation, rather than her being worried about being asked to leave her entire family behind and be an item of curiosity as long as she lives in Gondor??

And then he kisses her. Ugh.

After this Aragorn and co come back, and Aragorn does a bunch of symbolic junk with symbols of office. He pardons everyone. The city is full of flowers and babies to kiss. Faramir becomes the prince of Ithilien. Eowyn goes home to Rohan to rebuild, but says she’ll come back when she can finally bring Theoden back and put him at rest in Rohan. That’s some good shit. Also Aragorn finds a Nimloth sapling just sort of hanging out on the mountain. Gandalf points at it and Aragorn is like “oh” 

“guess I’ll take this home then”

Then Galadriel and Elrond show up and Aragorn gets married. Either that or he and Arwen are just holding hands. Gotta say, I can not relate to any of this. Where is the trauma. Where is the trauma!