#and how that will inform their characters and change both of them for the better

[parameciam]

on Quan Yizhen, autism, and autistic characterization

Let me preface this by saying that this post is my own interpretation + some headcanons, all based on my own experiences as an autistic person, or the experiences of other autistic friends. And this is also my way to fight back on the constant slander/ableist treatment that Quan Yizhen tends to receive. The other day I was too mad to actually elaborate on this topic. I am still mad though xD

Also, again: autism is a spectrum, that’s why I prefaced this by saying that this comes from my own experiences, those are what informs my reading of his character in the book and what dictates how I extrapolate the things I do when I write him in my fics. Most people who follow me already know, but I am a late diagnosed, audhd afab, from latam c: Therefore my opinions are coming from the western side of fandom, and I cannot (nor i’m not trying to) speak about the chinese side of fandom or their views on autism: i don't know anything about it.

Gentle suggestion: if you are a “it’s really not that deep” truther, stop reading this now :3 

So, now to the points. Which will be: I. infantilization and other common autistic struggles and how those are shown in canon; II. ableism and mischaracterization; and III. the positive sides of Quan Yizhen’s character and how those also relate to autism. (After a cut, since this is a REALLY long post)

small note: any excerpts included in this post are taken from 7seas official english translation of TGCF. I have not read the revised edition, so I don't know if/how Quan Yizhen's characterization changed there :)

I. On infantilization and other common autistic struggles

The fact that Quan Yizhen is used as a bit of comical relief in the novel probably doesn’t help people to try and read beyond his apparent “goofiness”, and I’ve also seen a lot of infantilization directed at him, based on the few things we see him do / act interested in during canon. And yes, it’s easy to latch onto those funny/cute details and forget that he is actually 

An accomplished martial artist, considered a prodigy way before ascending,

An accomplished martial god, who ranks in the top ten during the battle of the lanterns,

A martial god with a strong base of believers even while he’s working on his own and without the help of any deputies,

An adult, who has lived for at least two centuries,

Above all, an actual human being, with complex feelings and thoughts, just like the rest of the cast.

Sadly, infantilization is an issue that most autistic people have faced at some point in their lives. There’s a lot of reasons to explain why that happens: 

Needing support with a variety of things (because of executive dysfunction, struggles with social communication, and a long et cetera), which makes others perceive autistic people as less capable, immature, or directly childlike, be it out of pity or a misdirected “benevolence”.

Having strong, specific and intense interests, especially when those interests are not aligned with the societal expectations for your age, or are not “productive” and therefore seen as less valuable.

Defiance against social rules — be it explicit or unspoken rules — (I will elaborate on this later)

The societal bias that associates autism with being “mentally challenged” to put it gently. No need to elaborate on this one -.- 

And too many other equally fucked up things. 

Now back to our blorbo. During canon, Quan Yizhen is shown to struggle with understanding the world around him during his disciple days, requiring the help of his shixiong to navigate his experience in the sect (and in life in general). Yin Yu himself ends up infantilizing Quan Yizhen, something that negatively affects both of them in the long run, by denying Quan Yizhen the opportunity to learn healthy coping mechanisms and strategies that would allow him to fit better in the world, or at least to get a better grasp of the expectations placed on him, so he could manage his behaviors in a different way. 

I don’t mean that Quan Yizhen should have been forced to mask, or taught how to placate other people even when he doesn’t want to. Just that if the consequences of his attitude had been explained to him, he would have a better understanding (as a child) of what was expected of him, and why. That doesn’t mean he would have necessarily changed, but he would have a different understanding of his own actions, and how those affect other people. Because he wasn’t intending to hurt others or be inconsiderate on purpose! 

But making constant exceptions for him and justifying all his actions was not helpful for him to understand other people, or social expectations, or how to interact with others in positive ways without being rejected, or even how to make himself understood by others. 

Yin Yu refused to ask him to change, or even to admit that Quan Yizhen was annoying in some way. That refusal is not a bad thing in and of itself, but by shielding him in that manner, Quan Yizhen doesn’t have any incentive to grow as a person, leaving him stagnant when it comes to dealing with other people. Of course Yin Yu never intended for his attitude to be detrimental to Quan Yizhen! He himself was still very young when Quan Yizhen joined the sect, and clearly was not completely equipped for dealing with such a big responsibility. He still did his best, and all he did came from a deep love and acceptance of who his shidi was. 

But that doesn’t erase the negative consequences of doing so, sadly :c

Now, let’s talk about some other things that Quan Yizhen is shown to struggle with during the novel: 

Keeping himself clean, and dealing with his bodily needs:

“Yin Yu-shixiong, the way Quan Yizhen eats is unbearable! He sprays his rice everywhere at mealtimes, and he eats three times as much as everyone else! It’s like he’s a starving ghost or something. No one can eat well with him hogging the rice bucket like that!”

This clumsy way of eating can be related to things like dyspraxia, issues with proprioception, and a disconnection with his own body and needs — all common in neurodivergent people —. 

Regarding his hunger: I myself tend to forget to eat and drink until I’m already starving and dehydrated. I genuinely won’t notice the signals my body is giving me. And with his intense focus on training, he definitely needed to eat a lot (especially at first, to compensate for his malnutrition after living in the streets, and then, to sustain his growth! He was just at that age where you start growing a lot!). Food insecurity is a very traumatic experience and it’s hard to grow out of it: not knowing when your next meal will be or if there will be enough food for you can cause reactions like the one he has.

Of course you could also say that this “it’s just from his upbringing in the streets”, but I do think it’s deeper and more interesting than that, given all the ways he’s shown to act during the novel.

Regulating his body and his emotions: 

“That jerk never cooperates with others, and he’s so inconsiderate of everyone! He only cares about showing off and randomly throwing his fists around. I’d rather be paired with the weakest shidi than with him”

“He’s always so cranky in the mornings—I worry every day that he’ll kick me and break my ribs!”

Important to note that these are both outsider accounts of his behavior, coming from people who hate him. But even this can help us understand how he usually acts: i.e. I interpret that he doesn’t like relying on others, gives his best whenever he fights, and that is taken as being an inconsiderate showoff. 

Also, he has trouble waking up and acts aggressively when his rest is interrupted, which may be explained by how tired he is everyday, both from training so intensely and from having to deal with other people who actively despise him + being constantly rejected. Those things pile up, and with how sleepy he is shown to be later, I headcanon him as someone who is suffering from constant autistic burnout later on. 

Emotional regulation is a struggle for neurodivergent people in general, and autistic people also struggle with it. Some of us also have a deep disconnection with our own emotions, or have trouble naming them, distinguishing them or understanding them at all. Strong reactions like the one Quan Yizhen exhibited as a child when waking up are not uncommon (and since this account comes from the disciples who hate him, we just see one half of it. It wouldn’t be surprising if they routinely woke him up in a mean way)

Understanding social cues and hidden meanings:

Any normal person would’ve picked up on how forced the words were, but Quan Yizhen seemed to take them at face value.

This is a constant problem for many autistic people (including me). Being literal in our understanding of conversations and not realizing there’s another layer of meaning causes many problems. This can happen with serious topics, with jokes, and to be honest with any kind of interaction. It can be very humiliating sometimes. I routinely don’t realize people are not being serious about something and take a joke as a real statement and then go Oh. And I’m someone who grew up undiagnosed and with a constant need to mask + doing my best to understand other people, literally studying every interaction and making a constant effort about it. I still make many social blunders despite how much I care.

Quan Yizhen had no reason to not trust Yin Yu or look for second meanings in their interactions. Why would he doubt him? If no one points it out to you, it can be very hard or outright impossible to know that you did not understand. 

Yin Yu found him both exasperating and a little funny. “What do you mean, it’s no big deal?! Why don’t you give it a try, then?”

Once again, Quan Yizhen took those words at face value, assumed Yin Yu actually wanted him to ascend, and then did exactly that in less than six months. 

Accepting social rules and hierarchies, especially when those go against his own, strong sense of justice

Emphasis on accepting and not understanding. It’s not that autistic people don’t understand rules, it’s that frequently those rules don’t make sense to us and many times go against fairness; same thing with hierarchies. We see the rules, we understand what they mean, and then refuse to follow them, or to just accept them without pointing out the inconsistencies or injustices they represent.

“They cussed at me first. I don’t even know them. They said I was a low-ranking heavenly official and yelled at me for no reason, then they laughed at me and told me to scram and not to block their way. I told them to apologize, and they wouldn’t, so I beat them up. They only shut up when I beat them up, otherwise I wouldn’t have hit them.”

He told them to apologize before beating them up, and they didn’t, and only then he defended himself in the only way that ever worked. He is trying to behave in a way that doesn’t cause problems, but when they kept bullying him, he disregarded the rules he previously tried to comply with, and defended himself. Why should he place those rules above his own well being? And, by the way, let's remember that he's 19 at most here, he was constantly bullied by adult people. Whole ass grown adults picked on him, and he still managed to try to keep his composure and talk before getting to violence.

For the bullies, being a low ranking heavenly official meant that person was inherently beneath them. But for Quan Yizhen such hierarchy existing does not mean that he finds people higher up to be inherently more important or worthy. 

“Are low-ranked heavenly officials beneath other people?” Quan Yizhen asked. “No,” Yin Yu replied. Was that true? It was obvious that he didn’t believe his own words, and Quan Yizhen noticed.

He asks Yin Yu — the person that has always helped him understand the ways of the world — to try to make sense of this situation. Maybe shixiong can explain. But Yin Yu falters, and when that happens, it’s when Quan Yizhen openly says that he doesn’t like the heavens. If those are the rules he’s supposed to follow and not even shixiong can make it right, it’s not worth it.

“He’s never one to take a beating without fighting back. It’s not that they don’t pick on anyone else, it’s that everyone else understands how to endure that kind of provocation, but he doesn’t.”

It’s not that he doesn’t understand! It’s that he won’t let others stomp all over him just because there’s some expectation of it based on some externally imposed hierarchy. It’s unfair, and therefore wrong, so he won’t stand by that.

Disclaimer before the next paragraph: justice is subjective, if you read the next thing in bad faith I will shoot a laser beam at you, etc. Anyways. Many autistic people report that they feel they have a strong sense of justice / high justice sensitivity, which is usually related to diagnostic criteria like “mental rigidity” and “black and white thinking”. And personally, I hate how diagnostic criteria are always focused on deficits. But this is not the place to discuss the semantics of it. Whatever the reasons for this justice sensitivity, it often results in conflicts coming from pointing out situations and attitudes that others would rather not, and from fighting back against the norm whenever there’s a perceived injustice being reinforced by norms or authorities. Emphasis on perceived injustice: again, justice is subjective. And also: autistic people can have shit moral takes and a skewed moral compass. I'm not saying that autistic people have flawless and objectively better sense of justice.

“I don’t know about any worshippers,” Quan Yizhen replied. “I’ve just been doing my own thing, and they came crowding into my temples for some weird reason. I killed a wolf yao the other day.”

This bit also shows how it’s quite evident that either: no one has explained to him how things are supposed to work in the Heavenly Court once you’ve ascended, or he’s deliberately ignoring those rules and expectations because those don’t make sense to him anyway. Especially if we consider how, not long ago, he was being mistreated and bullied constantly and then suddenly, as soon as he ascended, everyone treated him as if he was the best thing ever. Of course Quan Yizhen has no respect for such people and such arbitrary things! 

The disregard for hierarchies doesn’t mean Quan Yizhen doesn’t understand them or is not aware that those exist. i.e. regarding the iconic scene where he throws a bed at Pei Ming, and in the words of another friend:

Pei Ming is an elder due to being so much older. Pei Ming is also a senior due to being a god much longer. Pei Ming is also someone of higher social status due to his number of followers. 

And yet Quan Yizhen still threw a bed at his head.  

I think Quan Yizhen definitely has a personal social hierarchy, but it's like... Yin Yu at the top, Xie Lian next, and then everybody else. Which Hua Cheng can totally relate to.

Paying attention to things outside of his own “narrow” interests

“Before, I could train at least sixteen hours a day. Now half of that time is taken up by talking and listening to nonsense, by greeting and visiting people.”

Whatever businesses he has to attend now (this is from his time as Yin Yu’s deputy) is nonsense in comparison with what he wishes to be doing. His only focus in life were martial arts and shixiong, basically, so having to pay attention to other things is difficult for him. 

This was made worse by, again, his elders in the sect constant coddling and enabling: in the sect, he was allowed to skip lessons + Yin Yu’s soft spot for him prevented him from putting healthier boundaries in place. Who would not have difficulties with such an abrupt change in expectations? And even though he’s not enjoying it, he’s trying to do his best to do his job. He’s not constantly looking for conflicts, either: he’s picked on and outright bullied by other people, which is not the same at all. 

And, by the way, autistic people tend to have trouble with changes in general, and unexpected ones are worse. Routines are important and help maintain a sense of safety: you know what to expect and have less chances to be unprepared to respond to the things happening around you — a source of anxiety for many autistic people, used to fucking up accidentally or ending up in the middle of some misunderstanding or Unwanted Situation (™) —. 

Special interests and hyperfixations are not only an interest, by the way, but a source of comfort, recharging and safety for neurodivergent people. It’s not “a hobby” but something that helps us in many different ways.

Social communication, empathy, and understanding other people’s feelings

Yin Yu tried instead, “It’s…because ascension is really hard. Since it didn’t come easily and we finally made it here, I want to try to do better.” Quan Yizhen, however, didn’t think much of that reason. “Ascension isn’t that big of a deal! It doesn’t matter if you don’t ascend.”

This exchange is quite painful ;A; Quan Yizhen is being honest and blunt — yet another common trait for autistic people, who tend to have a straightforward and literal style of communication — and has no ill intentions, but of course, that doesn’t take into account his counterpart feelings. 

Getting to understand other people’s feelings and developing empathy (be it in a cognitive or an emotional manner of understanding) can be difficult but it’s not impossible. Even if you’re unable to directly relate to someone emotionally, you can learn a lot about other people’s emotions and thoughts in an intellectual / cognitive way. But guess what: that requires practice, it doesn’t come for free, and it can also be very exhausting.

Empathy is also one of those spectrum things for autistic people: some will find it really hard to feel it and others experience such a hyper level of empathy that it’s hard to listen to traumatic stories or watch a sad commercial.

Quan Yizhen had no way to learn how to do that in between everyone else's constant rejections + Yin Yu’s refusal to be more honest about his own feelings (by that, I mean things like his annoyance, frustration, etc.) 

Usually, constant rejection makes you either overcompensate a lot or close off completely. Hypervigilance of other people’s reactions and microexpressions, overanalyzing every interaction… Or just “not giving a fuck” (and suffer inside, because you, actually, do care)

Also, it’s important to understand that, during this interaction, Quan Yizhen was not trying to be dismissive about Yin Yu’s feelings on ascension: he’s just trying to say that Yin Yu was already special, with or without ascending. In the words of a friend, he wanted to encourage Yin Yu to throw off this burden that was not making him happy. As autistic I see no neglecting here, he truly cares about Yin Yu. But he didn't know that Yin Yu has different values, because Yin Yu didn't speak about that.  What’s important to Quan Yizhen is Yin Yu’s happiness. Yin Yu doesn’t have to prove anything to Quan Yizhen: in his eyes, he’s already worthy. Ascension is not what makes him so great in his eyes. But Yin Yu does not think the same… and didn’t explain his reasons.

Again: none of this came out of malice or ill intentions. It’s just unfortunate miscommunication.

Quan Yizhen nodded. “Someone told me it was because they greeted you as the wrong person.” Yin Yu’s face dropped at this. But Quan Yizhen didn’t notice at all, his lips curving upward. “That’s too funny—so stupid!”

Yet another example of how easy it is to unintentionally hurt other people’s feelings because of this. And Yin Yu, once again (be it out of pride, exhaustion, resignation, frustration, a mix of all that maybe) won’t tell Quan Yizhen that his feelings were hurt. And thus, Quan Yizhen has no reason to change his behavior nor a chance to reflect on it!

Which is particularly sad, because the least he would want to do, ever, would be hurting Yin Yu.

“What is wrong with you?!” Yin Yu yelled. This was the very first time Quan Yizhen had seen Yin Yu so angry, and he blinked as confusion colored his face. A few heavenly officials who were passing by also snuck glances at them. [...] Quan Yizhen didn’t understand at all. He probably thought he had done a good deed. He had mentioned Yin Yu, and that was all. He didn’t think there could be problems beyond that. However, Yin Yu looked truly furious, and for the first time Quan Yizhen seemed to want to say something—but he stopped, looking like he didn’t dare. A moment later, he managed to mumble, “Shixiong, why are you mad? Did I do something wrong?”

To me, one of the most painful parts of QuanYin’s dynamic is that none of their issues with miscommunication are intentional nor come from ill will. Things progress to this extreme in their story out of love. Yin Yu was patient, protective and doting to the point he couldn’t correct Quan Yizhen when it would have been better to do so. And Quan Yizhen’s admiration, love and trust for his shixiong renders him blind to everything else, so he doesn’t realize that shixiong was hiding things from him until it’s too late. 

He never intended to hurt Yin Yu, and since Yin Yu never pointed out that it was happening, he had no way to behave in a different way. If you don’t know you’re making a mistake, you cannot correct it!

He has no way to understand what it is that he did wrong, or why Yin Yu had distanced himself from him so much. He has no way to make sense of what’s happening, and it’s unfair to expect him to be able to do so without help, when all his life he was kept from being able to do so (even if it wasn’t with the intent of hurting him).

II. Ableism and mischaracterization

Several characters are guilty of treating Quan Yizhen in ableist ways (being condescending, infantilizing him, acting as if he was mentally challenged, etc). This, coupled with the way Quan Yizhen’s character is presented through the words of other characters or through rumors, makes it easier for people to misunderstand his character, or to take as truth some statements that are meant to be contested as we get to know more about him and his backstory.

Some examples of the ableist treatment he gets:

During his time at the sect, his fellow disciples and notoriously, Jian Yu, spoke of him as if he was brainless or insane:

Jian Yu said. “So what if he ascended? His brain won’t get any smarter no matter how many centuries he lives.”

Another example, this time coming from Pei Ming:

“...” Pei Ming’s expression seemed to indicate that he couldn’t be bothered with children, and he turned to Xie Lian.

And also from other characters:

Quan Yizhen was suddenly filled with awe and respect. “So he really was borrowing spiritual power just now! He got stronger so fast.” “Complete bullshit. What do you know—” Mu Qing couldn’t help but exclaim, but he quickly stopped himself and forcibly changed his tune, likely deciding there was no need to explain this to a man-child like Quan Yizhen. “Yes, that’s right, he was borrowing spiritual power.” Pei Ming laughed heartily. “That’s right, indeed. But you can’t borrow spiritual power like that so casually. Understand, Qi Ying?” Feng Xin gaped. “What are you all saying?! Do you actually believe him?!”

This particular instance is hilarious, considering how quickly Quan Yizhen understands what’s happening, while the others insist he’s wrong or keep treating him as if he was a child.

Even from Jun Wu:

“It is because his mind is simple—he is ignorant and foolish, blunt and savage, and incapable of earning anyone’s respect.” 

There’s a comment that Pei Ming makes that’s not directed at Quan Yizhen, but that’s interesting in the overall context of how the term “normal” is used along the novel, and how anything outside of the norm is seen as negative:

Pei Ming lowered his voice. “Where there is abnormality, there is evil. Everyone, be careful.”

And in regards to being “normal”, a friend made a comment to me that sums up a lot of the struggles autistic people have to endure: They tell me to be normal, but they don’t explain to me how to do it. Which is also something Quan Yizhen experiences along the story: people demand of him to act differently, but no one has the patience to try to explain things to him! More words coming from the same friend: "Autistics try to copy the behavior of others like colorblind chameleons, but they get it wrong." I bet those words would resonate with many others. I know they resonate with my own experience u.u

On a different note: the play related to Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu, that was shown during the banquet for the Mid-Autumn Festival, was clearly not humorous and very uncomfortable and humiliating for Quan Yizhen to watch, while the ones played for other Officials were mostly sexual jokes (also uncomfortable, but not outright hurtful and cruel towards them.) And many of the ones attending the banquet were laughing hysterically at this display, even when Quan Yizhen was so clearly having a bad time, and trying to not lose control. Again, he’s not one to just jump into violence with complete lack of self control!

Another suspicious instance is the lack of a trial previous to Yin Yu’s banishment, which means Quan Yizhen never got "justice" for the terrible crime "committed" against him (quotes, because we know the truth of what happened, but of course the other Officials didn't). I believe part of the reason there wasn't a trial is probably ableism towards Quan Yizhen, and no one really caring that much beyond the drama of the situation. 

Going to the start of this section, some of the descriptions along the novel portray him as a “simple minded fool”, “obsessed”, and incapable of complex thinking. But this is all disproved by getting to know his backstory and his personality. There are reasons for his actions, an explanation for how he’s still looking for his shixiong and defending his honor, and evidence of how smart he actually is. As with many other characters in MXTX novels, you’re supposed to build your own perspective by doubting the rumors and the slander and piecing together the evidence on your own. Some examples of this:

In some of his first descriptions it is stated that he beats up his own followers, in a way that seems to be him not caring about them, but when you have more context it is because those followers portray Yin Yu in an inaccurate and disrespectful way. He’s not constantly beating up all his followers, and much less doing so for no reason at all! And again, we see how he has a strong base of believers, which proves that he actually does his job as a god, otherwise, he would not be ranked in the top ten!

People assume he is "a simple minded fool" in how he dedicates himself to his shixiong even when his shixiong "betrayed him". But actually this is because he can understand how multifaceted his shixiong is so there must be some explanation, which is a more nuanced way of thinking than "someone did a bad thing so they are only bad" or "someone did something good so they are only good". I would argue it is that exact black and white thinking that is the problem with how heaven and the ghost realms are dealt with in the story before the truth is all unraveled, but Quan Yizhen questions this more than the average character in the novel. 

III. On the fun, cute and positive sides of his character (and how many of them relate to autism)

I have a deep love for Quan Yizhen as a character. Even if I don’t think his characterization was intentionally written as autistic, I do believe he must be inspired on someone who is: there’s too many elements in how he’s written that scream autism/neurodivergence, and I love writing him in my fics because it gives me a chance to turn all those small details into something even deeper.

One of my favorite things about Quan Yizhen is his sense of childish wonder. We get to see this side of him in scenes like the iconic golden skeleton steplitter, or how he’s happily catching frogs and climbing trees in Puqi Shrine. Many people use this fact to argue that he’s actually a man-child, and it makes me so sad to see it. I have several friends who enjoy frogs and nature very much, one of them I’m sure actually spends part of her time actively looking for frogs. They’re also what society would deem “functional adults”, with “respectable jobs” and a “normal life.” Finding joy in the simple things shouldn’t automatically be equated with being a child. And imo, it’s quite healthy to be able to be excited about nature, beauty, or silly things. I also think it’s criminal that Quan Yizhen was not allowed in the steplitter. Only crime that Hua Cheng ever committed uwu (for legal reasons, this is a joke) 

Another important element of Quan Yizhen as a character is how he repays the kindness of those who treat him well. We see how after Xie Lian helps him during the Mid-Autumn Festival, he fills the donation box in Puqi Shrine with gold ingots. My headcanon to explain this (yes I have headcanons for everything and I’m not sorry) is that Yin Yu must have taught him that "A favor of a drop of water should be repaid with a surging spring" and Quan Yizhen never forgot about it.

This also can be tied with the iconic bed throwing scene, that shows us more of how grateful he is to Xie Lian and how loyal he is. When he bonds with someone, it’s in a strong and long-term way. He’s not shy about his love and appreciation. And in this case, even if he had known Xie Lian for a short time, he already had judged his character and decided he liked him a lot, and so, he was going to help him whenever he needed his help. And I love how in this scene, Quan Yizhen just waved him away XD Like, I got you bro, go do your thing, no need to explain, I got this. And let’s not forget the fact that… they break into his palace AND Pei Ming is ordering him around as if he wasn’t his equal! (I already delved into Pei Ming's treatment of him previously so I will not repeat myself here)

He’s straightforward and honest, two traits that I already mentioned before that can be a bit of a struggle for autistic people when we have to communicate with others. (And no, this doesn't mean that he cannot lie or that autistic people cannot lie, btw. A shame that I feel the need to clarify this ugh.) He says what he thinks, and doesn't mince his words. Something that, during his time in the sect, probably added to the many other reasons people bullied him; while he was Yin Yu’s deputy, meant that he was constantly in trouble, and as a Heavenly Official, makes him an outlier and keeps him isolated. In Jun Wu’s (horrible) words:

“Why is Qi Ying now alone in the Upper Court, with neither aid nor support? It is because his mind is simple—he is ignorant and foolish, blunt and savage, and incapable of earning anyone’s respect.”

His honesty is a double-edged sword: he’s true to himself and he gives the impression of not caring about what other people think of him, but that’s simply not true. It was shown to us while he was still a disciple:

Quan Yizhen was perched on the windowsill. His head drooped. (...) Quan Yizhen suddenly asked, “Shixiong, am I annoying?”

And his reaction during the humiliating moment he suffered at the Mid-Autumn Banquet attest to it too, in my opinion. I don’t think his reaction comes solely because he’s mad about his shixiong’s name being sullied again. This comes from me as an autistic person who has suffered bullying all their fucking life: no matter how much time passes, it hurts. No matter how well you cope, it hurts. It leaves a mark. Whether you defend yourself or not, whether you endure or go away, it’s something that changes you deeply. Isolation hurts. And autistic loneliness hurts even deeper.

Another thing that I love about him is how analytical and observant he is, even from a very young age! This is shown in how he is able to replicate the sects martial arts by observation without being instructed:

Yin Yu stood, thoughtful for a moment. “That’s an attack stance from our sect. Who taught you?” (...) “And that throwing posture also came from our sect. Did you climb the walls to spy and learn in secret every day…?”

Even how he is able to catch frogs: I imagine him analyzing their movements in order to be able to catch them before they can escape. 

This is also tied to how talented he is: he’s a strong martial artist who ascended as a martial god. But it’s not because of his talent only that he got to ascend. It’s because of his dedication and devotion to his craft, something that Xie Lian himself recognized and related to!

Even though everyone else thought Quan Yizhen was an insane child, Xie Lian felt like he could relate. An obsession like this was necessary to achieve godhood. A person who could understand this feeling of obsession had potential; they had a chance, even if slim. Those who couldn’t understand—who would only mock and jeer these “insane idiots”—had no hope of walking this path from the very start.

He is indeed naturally gifted, but also dedicated enough to perfect those talents. 

“Before, I could train at least sixteen hours a day (...)”

Martial arts are the one thing that he pays complete attention to… along with Yin Yu. I believe that Quan Yizhen remembers every single thing Yin Yu has ever told him or taught him, that he treasures every single one of those memories. And with how gifted he is, I love to headcanon that he actually has eidetic memory, which coupled with his analytical nature, would help him when training on his own, before he arrived to the sect. 

Now that Xie Lian thought about it, Quan Yizhen would be extremely familiar with Yin Yu’s habit of pacing while thinking, the way he spoke, and his strength when he struck. Perhaps he already knew who was behind the mask the moment Yin Yu’s shovel swung down. But it was inconceivable that Quan Yizhen even understood how to deceive someone—who would’ve thought they’d ever see the day? It was the simplest of tricks, but when he used it, it was completely unexpected. No one was prepared.

I adore this moment. Just another small moment that shows us he is perfectly capable of very normal things. Like deceiving someone with a silly trick. But people keep acting as if he was wholly unable of complex thought! People just constantly underestimate him.

Another example of how cool he is:

As they sailed, Quan Yizhen perched on his heels on the ship’s railing, maintaining the high-difficulty position with ease. Suddenly, he asked a question. “There’s a black island ahead. Is that the one?”

I’m so proud of him :’D 

Quan Yizhen is also more attentive than people give him credit for. People think he doesn’t pay attention to the spiritual communication array ever, but he does! He just has a tendency to ignore it out of disinterest, but he actually pays attention to what’s happening there:

“It’s amazing that anyone showed up at all,” Quan Yizhen said. “When they heard it was to save you, suddenly no one had time.”

Even if he doesn’t interact with too many people and is mostly isolated from the rest of the Heavenly Court (from all the reasons we have already discussed), he’s not ignorant of what’s happening around him. And because he doesn't say everything he thinks out loud, and does not use the same body language that other people use, he ends up being misinterpreted. I think of the brocade immortal introduction:

“Your Highness Qi Ying? Your Highness? Are you listening?” Xie Lian reached out and waved his hand in front of Quan Yizhen. Quan Yizhen seemed to have spaced out, and only then did his spirit return to this body. “Oh.” It would appear he wasn’t listening, but it wasn’t Xie Lian’s place to say much about that kind of behavior. Instead, he said, “So our current main priority is to find the brocade robe, I suppose? Its original form is…”  “A sleeveless, headless, sack-like robe stained with blood,” Quan Yizhen finished the statement.

Xie Lian believed that Quan Yizhen was not paying attention, when he actually was, but since he was not using the “right” body language, Xie Lian did not notice and started overexplaining. 

Having difficulties with body language and emoting it’s also a common autistic struggle. Not looking at the other person’s face/eyes, not making the “right” facial expressions at the “right” time, moving our bodies too much/not enough… Things that other people tend to misinterpret as disinterest, disrespect or outright rudeness, when it’s just a simple difference in how we communicate, that isn’t hiding any ill intentions! I cannot look at people’s eyes without feeling wildly uncomfortable, for example. Some people feel deeply offended by that, so I have trained myself to appear as if I’m looking at them but I’m not actually doing so. People sometimes think I’m bored because I move too much or play with things in my hands while we talk, but it’s just that I need the constant stimming to feel comfortable or I would implode. And those are my needs: other people have different ones (just like Quan Yizhen!) 

And this is leaving behind the most obvious thing: he’s most likely dissociating heavily because of how the Brocade Immortal is tied to the most traumatic experience in his whole life. Which adds to the cruelty on Jun Wu’s part sending him to deal with this. 

Two other examples of this (which I find quite humorous btw):

Xie Lian inclined his head to greet him. Quan Yizhen didn’t understand that he should return the courtesy, but Xie Lian hardly minded. 

and

Seated next to Xie Lian was a young man of eighteen or nineteen; his nose was tall, his brows deep, and his raven hair slightly curly. Xie Lian didn’t know him, and the young man didn’t know Xie Lian, so they both felt a little lost as they stared at each other. The awkward staring contest ended after Xie Lian offered a random greeting. 

The staring contest makes me laugh so much XD It’s such a silly moment, and though I won’t go into it here, I do believe Xie Lian is also very neurodivergent and that they would have a great time together as friends, both from shared interests and because he would not need to keep any pretenses c:

Finally, I love how deeply devoted Quan Yizhen is. When he loves something, he does so with all his heart. This was valid for martial arts in the first place, and then, for shixiong. And no matter if we go for a filial or a romantic interpretation (you all know I ship them and I’m insane about them, but that’s not relevant to the point I’m making) it’s still true that he was determined to get to know the truth and to understand what happened. Some people may see him as someone who’s obsessed (negative), but in my opinion, that’s not what it is at all.

He just cares. He cares about Yin Yu, he knows him, he knows that something is missing, and he will not rest until he finds Yin Yu again and they have that pending conversation, and he can apologize for the things he did wrong. and maybe have shixiong back in his life. All his persistence comes from a place of love and care; of realizing that Yin Yu’s true, honest feelings were much more complicated than he ever knew, and wanting deeply to understand.

And he tried his best to always honor the things Yin Yu taught him, and to be good. To make him proud. Even after Yin Yu died: instead of giving up and letting himself crumble, he kept fighting, helped in the battle against Jun Wu until he just couldn’t keep going, did his best to save people even when basically no one up there ever gave a shit about him or helped him at all. 

Which brings me to my final comment about Quan Yizhen as a character. He’s strong, dedicated, persistent, fierce and passionate. He has deep convictions. He’s someone who wants to understand the world around him, who looks at it with eyes bright and open, that even after more than two centuries and so much suffering and rejection, still opens his heart to find beauty in the small things. Someone who others will call a brute and a fool, but deep inside his heart just wants to understand and be understood. 

[heyitsmemel]

Hi Mel!! I just binged a ton of your Nass / Bellamy fics and aAAHH they are so good. Your world building is superb and your writing is beautiful ✨ Was hoping to ask 👀🎨 for them both if that’s not too much!! And maybe 💗 in relation to one another? Thanks so much for sharing them with us!

Omggggg Scatter!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! For reading and for the asks!!! This is like the biggest honour coming from you <3 Will happily answer the asks about my dumb guys!! It honestly helps to deepen their characters so thank you!! OK SO:

👀 Bellamy is allergic to a specific flower that grows in the southern and central provinces but not in the north. He's also allergic to cats and is really sensitive to scents. Also he's photic!!

🎨 I associate Bellamy with deep blues and forest greens and general earthy tones.

👀 Nass: Being raised in the desert and not used to certain faunas, especially in the central province, Nass has like really bad hayfever. He is also photic!

🎨 I associate Nass with reds, oranges, and deep purples. Both of their colour schemes reflect their elemental magic and core traits!!

💗 Bellamy is attracted to how passionate, fiery, and authentic Nass is. He likes how Nass always wears his heart on his sleeve and shows his emotions. Nass is always unapologetically himself even when he's messy, angry, or chaotic and Bellamy loves it. Masking and repression is a big part of Bellamy's character and his attraction to Nass is meant to be the total opposite of that. Their eventual relationship will slowly help Bellamy process and unlearn these behaviours and be more authentic. Also not to mention Nass is the physical opposite of Bellamy with dark skin, long straight hair and very different features which Bellamy loves.

💗 Nass is attracted to how calm, grounded and logical Bellamy is. As someone who always feels out of control, he's attracted to how Bellamy always keeps his cool and exercises great control over himself and his emotional reactivity. Despite his best efforts, Nass is really attracted to Bellamy's qualities shaped by Northern culture — Bellamy's politeness, wittiness, and razor sharp awareness of people, politics and situations. Bellamy is everything Nass is not, including Bellamy's physical appearance and Nass hates how much he loves it. Nass has a sneeze fetish and is also attracted to Bellamy in that way and fascinated by Bellamy's sneezing habits and cultural differences regarding illness but I digress LOL. A big part of Nass's character is his prejudice and hatred and anger for the North and its people. His eventual relationship with Bellamy is going to help Nass slowly unlearn those qualities.

[chronicdelusionistsart]

So I have been watching Danny Phantom for the first time ever with my friends and I'd kind of previously known about its reputation as a show whose fanbase dives a lot more into the lore than the show is willing to. And I guess I hadn't really understood why until now (I just finished Season 2!). Here's my sort of rambling thoughts on it.

Danny Phantom isn't a show about the horror of ghosts and the dead coexisting in the human realm. It's a show about dropping the most out of pocket lore implications you can imagine on people who in turn say things that would kill a therapist dead equally out of pocket, and then neither are addressed but the watcher has to live with the ghost of the plot that is right behind them but they can't turn around.

DP is a little hit and miss in places, but the very thing that drives people nuts about it is actually I think maybe its greatest strength: it really pulls off show, don't tell effectively. How much of that is intentional is up for debate, but the best episodes kinda leave you wondering, or sputtering like "UH, HEY, BACK UP - HEY BACK UP AND UNPACK THAT -" Is Danny's human body technically alive somehow, or is he a walking corpse? Does Danny have a door in the Ghost Zone? Were Vlad's clones feeling and sentient as they melted into ectoplasm, despite Danny's guess that they weren't? What does it say about Danny that he still erased his parents' memories after finding out they'd accept him as he is?

I think the genius of not answering these questions directly is that it's both funnier AND scarier not to. We can laugh about how fucked up it is and kinda hold our heads like "bro.... did they really just imply that, holy shiiiiiit", and that's really consistent with the emotional core of the show as this knife's-edge dance between teen comedy and horror superhero. Fully explaining the lore or being more direct about how the information is conveyed by and to the characters tips that balance and changes the show into something else, for better or for worse. And I really earnestly like it as it is, even if it's very of its time (sexism.......)! It's a really fun show with some depth to it.

Anyway, I can't wait to watch season 3! I sure hope all these wonderful qualities I like about it hold up!

[piastriprincess]

if  you  keep  it  just  yours ⸻ charles  leclerc  x  reader  .

featuring  charles  leclerc  ,  writer!reader  ,  fluff  ,  smau . author’s  note  requested  by  anon  !  i’m  sorry  it  took  so  long  but  i  loved  your  request  and  your  kind  words  ,  i  hope  i  did  it  justice  !  tried  to  get  this  out  today  in  honor  of  the  #chodium  .  this  is  my  first  try  at  an  smau  so  PLEASE  be  nice  …  i’m  still  not  sure  i  love  the  way  this  turned  out  but  nevertheless  we  persist  !  i  also  had  to  drop  some  ancient  charles  lore  in  this  …  rip  bawsixteen  we still talk about you .  anyway  please  let  me  know  what  you  think  and  if  i  should  keep  trying  smaus  …  i  promise  i  won’t  be  upset  if  you  hated  it  <3  title  is  from  paris  by  taylor  swift  (in  honor  of  her  owning  the  masters  again  !!!)

liked by emmachamberlain, dollyalderton and 27,054 others yourusername it’s official — i’m in my monaco era! paris will always have mon coeur but it’s time for a change of scenery. here’s to good beaches and hopefully better stories 🐚💌

user1 THEEEE modern carrie bradshaw frfr ⤷ user2 No bc I can’t wait to hear her stories about the Monaco dating scene??? user3 romanticizing your life is BACK and yn is leading the charge !! user4 already screaming at how chic this is. give me the essay collection immediately yourbff OMG I need to visit asappppp ♥ liked by author ⤷ yourusername missing you already ! user5 bienvenue à monaco! you will love it here :) user6 main character of her own european romance novel iktr  camillecharriere oh i want to be you when i grow up ♥ liked by author user7 This post feels like the opening scene of an HBO show I’ll binge 16000 times…

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to: Y/N L/N your.name@gmail.com  from: Jean-Claude Ravello jean-claude@bellevue.mc subject: Bienvenue au Bellevue!

Bonjour mademoiselle L/N, 

Welcome to your new home at the Residence Bellevue — we are so happy to have you here! I am sure you will quickly discover that Monaco is a small place, but this building is even smaller. Please, consider yourself part of the family already!

A few quick notes to help you settle in:

Waste and recycling are collected on Tuesdays and Fridays. There are trash chutes on every floor, but the recycling must be taken to the bins by the side entrance.

Wi-Fi information is included in the welcome folder. I know you mentioned you were a writer, so if you should need a stronger signal, the rooftop lounge is a favorite quiet working spot for our residents.

Your neighbors are both longtime Bellevue residents, so if you have any questions about the building that I cannot answer (or you just do not want to ask me!) please feel free to reach out to them. Charles actually grew up in Monaco and knows the city inside and out so if you need any recommendations I am sure he would be happy to help. Sharing both neighbors’ contact information (with permission):

Laura (16A): +377 08 35 19 72

Charles (16C): +377 99 42 67 01

Do not hesitate to contact me with any maintenance concerns or general questions! Wishing you a smooth unpacking. We are delighted to have you join our community.  

Welcome home, Jean-Claude Ravello Building Superintendent

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liked by jiatortellini, kikagomes and 31,652 others yourusername from me to you, a new essay on the unique magic of starting over and the way a stranger can start to feel like a story. up now on substack! let me know what you think xx

user8 “balcony boy” WE CHEERED MOTHER IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER ⤷ user9 Her writing isn’t just about the men she’s dating… ⤷ user8 okay congrats you read. do you want a medal?? should we throw a party?? should we invite bella hadid?? marlowetatiana Obsessed ! ♥ liked by author user10 saw the notif at brunch and opened substack immediately like sorry guys my parasocial internet bestie needs to tell me about her new crush user11 @ oprah @ reesewitherspoon @ pitbull GET HER A BOOK DEAL STAT! ⤷ user12 girl what is mr. worldwide going to do… user13 “Maybe Balcony Boy and I will never really meet. Maybe we’re destined to almost-know each other indefinitely… But still, there’s something delicious about the romance of the near miss.” WOW!!!! ♥ liked by author yourbff What did I say… I give it a week ⤷ yourusername it’s been ten days actually. this is what growth looks like! take notes! user14 i get her bc balcony boy has me in a chokehold too and i’ve never even seen him

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OUTGOING AUDIO MESSAGE ▶‖ to: bestie • 02:23  •၊၊||၊|။||||။၊|။•

“Okay, so… I know I was supposed to check in after fifteen minutes and I’m really late and now I’m hiding out in the bathroom like I’m in a rom com from the 2000s because… I don’t know, I just — I just need a minute to breathe. [pause] I thought this was just a stupid little crush and I’d go on this date and get over it but he’s… Babe, he’s really sweet. He opened doors for me. He pulled out my chair. He called me chérie. He even laughed at my stupid joke about the bread basket! And he’s so — ugh. He’s so pretty and he smells so good, it’s rude. It’s actually unfair how perfect he is. [long sigh] But that’s not even the thing. Like, it’s not even that he’s cute. Okay, maybe it’s a little bit that he’s cute but — he’s smart. And funny. And curious, and he listens when I talk, like really listens, even if it’s stupid or rambley, and he asked about my writing and actually wanted to hear about it. I don’t want to jinx it or anything, but… yeah. I might be in trouble here. It feels like it could be something, you know? [pause] Okay. I really need to go back before he thinks I climbed out the window. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. Love you so much.”

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@ yourusername • instagram notifications you have (1) new follow request from @ bawsixteen !

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liked by hunterh, oliviarodrigo, and 28,253 others yourusername life is looking pretty good lately

user15 is that a m-m-man ?!?!?!?! ⤷ user16 better question IS THAT BALCONY BOY ⤷ user17 It literally has to be! She hasn’t written about anyone else user15 okay i’ve gotten over my shock. who the hell is he bc his hand is fine as fuck rachsyme and you look even better! ♥ liked by author yourbff oh so we’re soft launching now… 👀 ♥ liked by author ⤷ yourusername yeahhhhh so i owe you SEVERAL voice memos user18 LOVERGIRL ERA user19 mother is boo’d up… congrats to whoever’s bouncing on it 😭 ⤷ user20 you almost got it sweetie. don’t worry. we’ll wait. bawsixteen Pretty flowers :) ♥ liked by author ⤷ yourusername almost as pretty as the guy who gave them to me :)

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to: All Subscribers everythingiknowaboutsubs@substack.com from: Y/N your.name@substack.com subject: everything i know about falling

Everything I Know About… Falling

So here’s the thing about me and Balcony Boy (and yes, even though we’re actually dating now, I’m still not graduating to using his actual name with you all!) Somewhere in between our first kiss overlooking the harbor and him learning to make me blueberry pancakes just the way I like them, I’ve realized I can’t lie to myself that it’s casual anymore. 

And that is completely terrifying. 

You know that feeling when you’re reading a really good book and you look up and realize that you’ve been on another planet for hours? Where you’ve forgotten to check your phone, forgotten to be anxious about deadlines, forgotten about every single thing except the story and the words on the page? That’s what being with Balcony Boy feels like. Like nothing matters except existing in that very moment with him. 

I’m not used to staying present like that. My mind is like a summer storm, always pulled in a million different directions. I used to think it was a strength of mine: a skill, even. It made me a better writer, a better thinker. But that constant motion was also my shield — from boredom, from failure, from getting too attached to anything. Self-preservation disguised as independence. Emotional distance disguised as something casual. 

When Balcony Boy came into my life, yes, I liked him immediately. Six feet of tan, hot, shirtless neighbor. Let’s be real. Who wouldn’t enjoy that view? But somewhere along the way, he stopped being a charming background character in my life and started being the type of steady presence that made me want to slow down. To sit still. To listen. To trust. And that is such a new feeling that I can’t help but be scared.

Here’s the truth: I’ve dated a lot of men who liked the idea of me. Men who wanted to be a muse and then flinched when I spilled my truth onto the page. Men who liked a complicated woman until the complications weren’t cute anymore. Men who wanted me to be emotionally available for them, and who never really listened in return. All of that was okay, because I wasn’t staying still long enough for the pain to be anything more than a glancing blow. 

But Balcony Boy doesn’t just like the idea of me. He doesn’t need to be the story — he just wants to make space for mine. He reads my drafts and underlines all his favorite lines. He twirls me around my kitchen when I laugh and he holds me when I cry. He listens. He shows up, quietly and without spectacle. He brings me coffee and croissants when I’ve been writing too long and forget to eat. It sounds crazy, but I'm scared of this because if I lose it, for the first time in a long time, it'll really, really hurt. But Balcony Boy tells me I’m brave when I’m terrified. And for the first time in a long time, he makes me want to believe him. 

I used to think love was about dramatic gestures, but maybe this is what love feels like when it’s real. Not the fireworks (although there are plenty of those, too), but the foundation. Not someone catching you when you fall, but someone taking your hand so you don’t have to be scared of the jump in the first place. 

So here I am. Jumping, without hesitation. And if the fall kills me, at least I’ll have had the pleasure of doing it with him. 

yours, y/n xx

next week: everything i know about long-distance - on dating someone whose job takes them away more than you’d like, and learning to miss someone properly.

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liked by bawsixteen, rachelchinouriri, and 29,311 others yourusername so in love that i might stop breathing, drew a map on your bedroom ceiling

user21 mama… mama a man behind you ⤷ user22 the launch is getting harder and harder user23 starting the investigation into balcony boy’s identity. james bond has nothing on me yourbff Happy looks sooooo good on you babe ♥ liked by author  user24 the note OH LET ME KILL MYSELF !!!!!!!!!! hunterh beautiful girl! ♥ liked by author user25 this has gone on long enough WHO IS HE ⤷ user26 She’s allowed to keep it private for as long as she wants! ⤷ user25 "keep it private" blah blah blah consider i’m living vicariously through her and i want to know :) ⤷ user27 that's definitely a ferrari he's driving in slide 3... bawsixteen Belle chérie ♥ liked by author user28 oh i just KNOW balcony boy is sooooooo fine

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REDDIT: TOP POSTS TODAY r/yourusername • crossposted to r/formula1 • 3h ago posted by u/luvleclerc

hear me out… i think i know who balcony boy is!

okay i know this sounds insane but LISTEN. i’ve been reading y/n’s substack for ages and am also a huge fan of formula one. i’m absolutely convinced that balcony boy is charles leclerc. 

EVIDENCE so yall don’t call me crazy:

so y/n moved to monaco a few months ago, and posted this photo from her balcony. she’s never said exactly where she lives but you can see the harbor in the background and we know charles lives near there. and this story he posted the other day? like not to be a stalker but tell me that’s not almost exactly the same view. almost like they're neighbors... also the timeline of her moving to monaco almost perfectly matches when charles started posting less on socials!!!

then we get into the balcony boy content, which if you haven’t read… oh my god. y/n’s writing is so beautiful that it doesn’t even make you feel bad about being painfully single. balcony boy literally feels like a romcom hero come to life. she doesn’t drop a ton of personal details about him but here’s what she HAS said:

“Some people flirt with their eyes and their smile. Others, apparently, do it by playing you a piano étude at golden hour, notes drifting on the sea breeze like a love song.” … guess who else FAMOUSLY plays piano????? charles marc hervé perceval leclerc.

balcony boy is genuinely curious about her writing and reads all her essays. this is exactly how charles is in interviews - always engaged and thoughtful with questions.

balcony boy is fine with being written about and isn’t bothered that y/n is somewhat well known. sounds like a person who already knows how it feels to be in the spotlight!!!!

“Dating a man who’s gone every other weekend means learning to say goodbye. But even when he’s on the other side of the world, he never makes me feel like he’s far away.” F1 CALENDAR HELLO…

mentioned that balcony boy grew up near where they live (“knows the streets of this place like the lyrics of his favorite song”). prince of monaco!!!! i rest my case!!!!

one last thing: her most recent posts are totally a soft launch and the guy’s hair in the 1st slide looks EXACTLY like charles's. plus there’s this comment from someone called @ bawsixteen about the flowers like he gave them to her? i checked the account and it’s private with no profile photo, but the display name says CL. cl… sixteen… it CAN’T be a coincidence!!

⬆ 16.1K ⬇  •  🗨 897  •  ➦ SHARE

TOP COMMENTS u/f1gossipgirl • 3h ago  this is the most unhinged thing i’ve ever read but you’ve convinced me ⬆ 3.4K ⬇

u/fromthedeskof • 48m ago NOOOOO PLEASEEE not my favorite microinfluencer i can’t have everyone finding out about her… she’s MY parasocial bestie ⬆ 2.5K ⬇ ⤷ u/albonnation • 11m ago it's too late she has wag allegations :( she’s about to blow up ⬆ 332 ⬇ ⤷ u/everythingyn • 9m ago rip to our cozy lil substack community, she will be missed 💔 ⬆ 597 ⬇

u/BeanbagGreg • 1h ago  This subreddit is focused on racing. Stick to discussion of driving please ⬆ 1.7K ⬇ ⤷ u/piastriwdc • 26m ago literally no one asked you to read this… how many times do we have to teach you this lesson old man? ⬆ 4.8K ⬇

u/romanticrealist • 35m ago  ok grandma let’s get you to bed ⬆ 992 ⬇ ⤷ u/sallyrooneyluvbot • 6m ago Literally like as if she would ever date an athlete?? Be so fr ⬆ 81 ⬇ ⤷ u/landoleclerc • 2m ago um have you SEEN charles leclerc? don’t you ever speak on my goat like that ⬆ 133 ⬇

u/charlesdefender • 2h ago  wait she’s sooooo pretty what’s her instagram ⬆ 689 ⬇

SEE MORE...

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@ yourusername • instagram notifications you have (8,692) new follow requests from @ leclercwdc, @ charloslover, @ f1ella and others !

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liked by charles_leclerc, bawsixteen, and 95,214 others yourusername privacy sign on the door… taking balcony boy offline for now xx

charles_leclerc Je t’aime ♥ liked by author

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[vadlings]

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

[the-lazy-cat-bakes-souffles]

The scene where Jackie hauls Shauna away from Van inside the burning plane wreckage is one of the most under-discussed relative to its impact, and gives us so much insight into the characters and wider themes of Yellowjackets.

In some respects, it was the first act of violence in the wilderness. Now, by violence I don’t mean something done with the intent to harm. Jackie was placed in an extremely stressful adrenaline-fuelled situation where she had to make a choice with seconds to spare. Practically speaking, it was also a logical choice: the fire was rapidly encroaching and there was every chance that freeing Van in time was impossible, so Shauna would be fruitlessly throwing her life away. After all, the rear of the plane does explode soon after they get out.

But that doesn’t change the fact that it was callous and violent in its impact. It was Jackie, in that moment of intense danger, choosing to leave Van to burn alive - and actively prevent her from receiving help - because there was a chance that she might lose Shauna too. “For the record, I was trying to save you.” True character is revealed under pressure, and this scene is the show’s way of signalling to the audience what Jackie values most, the thing that will cause her to abandon all other principles: Shauna.

This is enforced by her later saving Van from the plane propellor: it’s an act of atonement, but also a way to convey the hierarchy of Jackie’s priorities. She loves her teammates and would trade her life for theirs without hesitation, but she would trade any of their lives for Shauna’s if it came to it (it also speaks to how little Jackie values her own life and is further evidence of her suicidal ideation).

One of the things that strikes me most about the scene is how similar it is to when Javi drowns in the second season. In both cases, Van and Javi are in severe environmental peril and desperately cry out for help. Shauna and Nat respectively attempt to save them at great personal risk, but they’re pulled away by Jackie and Misty, who have determined that it’s better to sacrifice one if it means saving the other.

While the contexts are different, the theme is the same: “It chooses.” And ‘It’ is all of them. ‘It’ is all of us. When driven to the brink and placed in the most dire of extremes, any person, no matter how virtuous, can behave in base ways. It’s always baffled me that Jackie is often framed as an exception to this by the fandom when we’re presented with such a clear example through her character on day one, long before anyone had descended into savagery. I’ve no doubt that if she’d survived and mended her relationship with Shauna she would have gone to great lengths to keep her (and the baby) alive, even if it meant compromising her strongly held morals.

In spite of everything, Van did escape the wreckage, which means that she could have been saved. And she was left with deep trauma that lingers into the third season. However much we might be able to justify Jackie’s decision, it still came at Van’s expense. This isn’t to say that I think Jackie is deep down a cruel or violent person; she’s patently not, quite the opposite. But it’s compelling to explore what moves someone to act in ways counter to their nature, their moral pressure points, and how they account for their actions. It does a disservice to Jackie to downplay her complexities and flaws, just as it does a disservice to Shauna to regard her as an inherently sadistic person when her first instinct was to risk her life to help.

Then there’s how the scene informs Van’s character. Van is an optimist who is moulded by hardship into a pragmatist, and these two forces are constantly battling within her. Being left on the plane establishes this conflict: from her perspective, her life was easily discarded by someone she trusted. Van is confronted with the harshest of truths: that her survival is not guaranteed, nor is the support of her peers. It’s something hard fought for, and something she must fight for herself.

Her relationship with Tai mirrors the codependent bond of Jackie and Shauna. Their devotion to each other leads them to sentence Ben to death despite both holding doubts over his guilt. They rig the cards to protect each other from being chosen for the hunt, in doing so condemning someone else. Van comes to understand something of what drove Jackie to do what she did, because above all else, she cannot lose the person she holds most dear.

Once any real chance of rescue is out the window, Van fully internalises this survivalist mindset. She holds onto faith and narrativises their situation to imbue it all with some sort of meaning. But it’s ultimately a coping mechanism, a way to deal with the horror she knows they can’t escape. This is why the moment a glimmer of hope reappears in the form of the scientists, she sheds it. She doesn’t truly want it, she never did. Her final act is a culmination of that; she can’t find it in herself to kill for her own gain. ‘It’ chooses, and Van chose. As did Melissa.

What are we willing to do to survive? To protect ourselves and those we love? What are we willing to lose? How much of ourselves can we give up before the cost becomes too great? These are some of the thematic questions Yellowjackets poses, and this short scene is a fascinating microcosm of that.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Ooo you’re doing Pressure!!

May I request an artist reader who, throughout the journey found some paper, pencil and made a little makeshift sketchbook and when later bought Sebastian’s document decided to try and draw him? Like maybe both when human and current (and maybe the monsters)? 

Perhaps he saw them sketching, got curious and decided to look through it when reader left it somewhere or just straight up snatched it and held it out of their reach and sees those sketches of him. Could be hurt/comfort or angst/fluff.

Of course you’re free to change any of the details but please keep it platonic TwT

Aw love this idea! And it works considering all the paper and notebooks in the drawers of the blacksite.

............

"Great, [y/n]. One moment, you're doing some harmless graffiti on a brick wall nobody cares about. And the next, you're risking your life for a stupid crystal in hopes you'll get a federal pardon.."

Sighing, you held onto the overhead handles within the sleek black submarine, feeling it shake and rumble as it breached the water's surface. And after hearing the chime, the door hissed and opened up, the platform extending out onto the dock of a place already familiar to you: Hadal Blacksite.

'No place like home..' As you stepped out of the submarine, you could hear HQ over the PDA system informing you of your objective in reaching the crystal and collecting any "loose assets" you find along the way...

As if you needed any reminders of what you were doing here.

Immediately, you unlocked the first door with the keycard and began your journey to room 100. Along the way, you found a good handful of research data. Nothing too special aside from folders, USB drives, and a couple blue DNA vials.

Then after narrowly dodging the Angler in one area and avoiding Eyefestation's gaze in the next, you reached a room requiring yet another keycard to exit. You checked the nearby office cubicle, finding it in the first drawer you opened.

But that isn't what made your eyes light up. Rather, it's what was right next to the card that did:

A brand new pencil to go with the sketchbook you've been carrying with you.

Because you weren't given the luxury of doodling while sitting in jail for over 90 days, you felt your creativity flames being snuffed out, leaving you itching to draw something again.

Before all of this, you had a decent following on social media with your art skills, and you could imagine that they're worried sick over your sudden absence. But you hoped that, if you survive and succeed in this mission, you'll be able to come back and reassure them that you're very much alive.

And perhaps show them what Urbanshade has been hiding from the public...that is to say the sea monsters that have taken up residence in the Blacksite since its lockdown, freely roaming and haunting nearly every room you step into.

With the makeshift sketchbook you had (and somehow kept even after death), you've filled its pages with simple and detailed sketches of each creature you encountered.

But you doubt that they would let you leave with physical evidence of entities nobody else in the world should know about...unless you somehow convinced the guards that they were "original characters" that so-happened to look like them, but you had a feeling that excuse wouldn't fly.

Regardless, they've given you tons of artistic inspiration, despite your many close-calls with them in pursuit of studying their features from afar.

Thanks to the files Sebastian Solace has shown you, you've learned how to safely observe the Angler from a distance and better remember their details. They were merely a grotesque face surrounded by smoke, so you didn't have to worry about drawing any limbs or tails (assuming they had those).

You encountered their variants so many times that you could recall the little things that made each them unique--like how Pinkie had four pupils, how Blitz was missing pupils in one socket completely, how Froger was..well..a big frog with lots of needle-shaped teeth, and Chainsmoker was a sluggish blobfish through all that smoke.

Making eye contact with Pandemonium was a death sentence..as you've already learned after trying (and failing) to safely observe him through a glass window. So you draw him as you see him in his file.

The Squiddles' "intimidating" faces were scary in the dark when you least expected them, but they served as amazing inspiration. You even had a page full of what faces you'd think they make up to frighten others. It's too bad you couldn't show them, however, as that required you getting in their personal space.

Eyefestation, Good People, and the Wall Dwellers were quite..risky to observe, as they had ways of quickly and painfully sending you back to square one if you weren't careful. Even so, you made some pretty damn good sketches..and you wish you could show them off to them, too, especially to the shark who'd probably appreciate a human's drawing of herself.

Even the DiVine, who were always frozen in poses for some reason, joined your ever-growing list of muses. The oxygen gardens were a nice place for you to rest and appreciate the flora for a few moments--before an Angler came along, of course.

Then there was Sebastian.

While he was fully aware of your artistic passions, in the beginning he seemed a bit annoyed whenever you came into his shop just to sketch.....or if you took an unusually long time to reach him. He just assumes you've stopped to "doodle" and wonders if you really care about getting out of this place alive.

He'd remind you that HQ could get suspicious if you're off their radar for too long, but you've stayed in his shop for 10-20 minutes at a time and not once did your diving gear beep. So you reassured him not to fret.

It was kinda sweet that he worried over you, an expendable, although maybe that's because you actually treat him with decency..and don't take his snarky comments to heart whenever you died.

Aside from the occasional eyeroll whenever you brought out your sketchbook, he did inquire about some of the things you've drawn, and you'd show him, bearing a little pride in your work.

All you'd get in response was a "neato" or "wowie, that's how you see them?" and nothing more.

It wasn't insulting, so...you'll take that.

Obviously he was more concerned about how much research data you were willing to fork over in exchange for supplies, and how far that equipment will carry you before your next demise. So you'd eventually close the book and barter with him for whatever wares were on his tail.

Unbeknownst to him, you've actually started sketching him as of late. Now that you've met him dozens of times, it was easy for you to recall his features without needing to stare at him for reference every five seconds.

That would not only be rude, but very creepy.

Then one day, you showed up to Sebastian's shop with enough data to be able to afford his document, which described him as Z-13, "The Saboteur" who the company wanted "dead on sight" if he was spotted or trying to escape.

When you had time to read the file on your own, you learned some..pretty shocking things about how he caused the lockdown, went through torturous experiments, and was falsely accused of nine murders and was proven innocent far too late.

The most upsetting part was that he was never informed of this.

He learned that after presumably stealing his own document.

It made you feel sick to your stomach, knowing he's the reason you're being terrorized by those beasts, but you couldn't find it in your heart to be angry at him.

If anything you were angry at Urbanshade for their "guilty until proven innocent" system--or in his case, being proven innocent didn't matter.

His human mugshot was also included in the file, and even with the black censor bar covering his eyes, he still looked like quite a handsome fellow. You could make out some details, and ended up drawing him on a separate page, too, although part of you wishes you never started.

You doubt he would kill you or rip apart your book for drawing him, but considering how volatile and rude he could be at a moment's notice..you did your best to conceal the sketches when you visited his shop.

You didn't want him to be offended or reminded of his past..and make him resent the one person who he almost considered a genuine friend.

Unfortunately, you'd soon come to realize that your actions were only heightening his suspicions.

And that it was going to come to a head next time you entered his shop.

...............

"Okay, I'm going to bite...what're you really hiding in that little book?"

"Pardon?" Pausing mid-sketch, you looked up at Sebastian, wondering why he appeared so disgruntled. "I'm..uh...just doodling like I always-"

"No, don't give me that "like always" crap." He huffed, flicking the end of his tail as he crossed his two arms over his chest, staring down at you. "Last time, you couldn't stop showing me a stupid face you'd think one of those S-Qs would make...and now you won't even let me have a sneak peak of your next "masterpiece"." He spat the last word, voice dripping with disdain. "Are you really drawing something...or are you secretly writing intel to give to Urbanshade?"

"...wha.." You blinked in disbelief, wondering where he'd get that assumption from. "Why would I ever do that?"

"Oh I dunno, maaaybe because you have access to my file and know my location? I bet you're gonna sell me out to those scumbags once you reach the crystal." He gnashed his teeth. "Did they say you'd get extra cash for leaving tips on my whereabouts, huh?"

"Sebastian, there's no reason for this hostility. I'm not giving any intel to anyone-"

"Then you wouldn't mind me taking a look at this, would you? Yyyyyyoink!" His third arm was quick to snatch your sketchbook away, holding it out of your reach as you jumped up in panic.

You were already dreading his reaction.

This could very well be the end for you.

"Please give that back! You'll tear it!"

"You look frightened. So maybe I should, considering you're writing secrets about.....about...." But as Sebastian finally looked at the page, all he saw were sketches of his current self, and you began to see a shift in his expression.

It went from pure anger, to surprise and confusion, and then to....something unreadable.

"These are...all of me?" His voice became quieter as he flipped the page, only for his breath to hitch upon finding the drawings of his human form.

And for once, he was completely speechless.

The details were immaculate, everything from his hair style to the scar he used to have across his face--given to him from an angry cellmate who thought he really did kill those people and tried giving him a "taste of his own medicine".

But the way you made him look was...incredible.

That's him.

That's really him.

The man--the human--he was before...

Before...

"Yes." Your face was burning with embarrassment, and your heart was pounding with fear of both death and ridicule, now knowing that your fate laid in his hands now. "I-I'm sorry. I should've asked for your permission and I know the details aren't perfect but you didn't let me........huh?"

Ceasing your ramblings, you noticed the tears welling in his eyes, and you were stunned. Then his shaking hands closed the sketchbook and returned it to you. "Um..are you okay? I'm really sorry if-"

"I...a-almost forgot what I looked like before all of this.." He raised a claw to wipe at his watery eyes, sniffling. "They're...good drawings, friend. I'm sorry..I...I-I didn't mean to..." His voice cracked, and he forced himself to stop, bringing his hands to his face. "Why am I crying over something like..t-this..?"

He hated looking so weak in front of you, yet he couldn't help the tears that kept slipping down his cheeks. A certain sadness was weighing heavily on his heart, yet at the same time he felt...honored that you wanted to draw him, putting your heart and soul into every sketch--with him getting the most effort.

You didn't overexaggerate him as the hideous beast he and everyone else was convinced he was, but just him as, well, himself. His smiles when he realizes it's you coming through the vent again, his cheeky grins when you buy up all his supplies, and even the one time he pouted when you died to Pandemonium because you risked it all trying to draw the moldy fish-creature.

The human ones, as you could tell from the way he broke down, especially hit home for him. Just from a mugshot alone, you were able to create a near-accurate depiction of him.

It made him wonder if you two have met before any of this happened.

Sebastian sniffled, struggling to stop the tears and expecting you to make fun of him as he finally uncovered his face. But instead he saw you standing there with your arms opened up. "I feel like you could use one of these. It's okay. I know you miss being human."

".........."

"C'mon, big guy. My arms are kinda hurting--oh!"

Without warning, he accepted your embrace and squeezed you tightly in his hold. Of course he was careful not to crush your diving tanks, and you smiled in appreciation and patted his back. "It's okay, it's alright..I got you. I didn't mean to make you cry."

He sniffled a few times, but otherwise said nothing and tried making sure you weren't supporting all of his upper body weight.

Curse his size. He wishes he could experience a normal hug again.

This one will do, though.

"I-It's...it's fine. Don't worry.." He finally spoke after a few moments, calming down. "As long as you don't tell anyone about this."

"I'll take it to my grave." You chuckled, letting go and stepping away so he could straighten his back out. While he did that, you gently tore a few pages from your book, to which he blinked in confusion.

"What are you doing with-?"

"Keep them." You insisted. "In case this sketchbook falls into a pit or gets waterlogged, I want you to hold onto these. Besides, I can tell you appreciate them a lot. So...consider it a gift."

"Why..thank you." A smile appeared on his face as he took the pages carefully. "Rest assured, they'll be safe and sound." He gazed at them both one more time, feeling a tug on his heart.

But it wasn't as heavy as before.

After neatly folding and stowing them away into his pockets, he saw you already sitting in one of the chairs, your sketchbook opened to a brand new blank page.

"Sooooooo what are you going to draw this time?" He tilted his head, ear fins twitching with curiosity.

"Hm...I did see a vision of a white glowing man a few rooms back. I think he was from...the Mindscape? There was a file talking about him and some floating gears and a white ball."

"Ohh yeah, he's an interesting guy. I'd love to see your interpretation of him." Now Sebastian was 100% invested, as he curled his tail around himself, resting his upper body on it so he could see your book better. "But y'know you won't be able to leave this place with sketches of-"

"I'm well aware of that...I could always change a few things and turn them into OCs."

"Hah. You should."

"Maybe I will." You snickered, grateful that you didn't have anything to fear.

At least somebody in the Blacksite appreciated your art.

[kaivenom]

One piece DILFs asking you to live with them... HCS

(obviously, we know they sure have better houses than us)

Characters: Mihawk, Crocodile, Doflamingo, Smoker, Shanks.

Masterlist

Dracule Mihawk

Him living in a big island castle means that you already had many things on there and you spent many days with him on a row.

The other thing is that when you aren't on the castle, you both spent many time separated, due to his work and yours.

That times when he goes back to the castle and you aren't there and he has to ask you to come and wait days or even a couple of weeks to come, that's when he decides he needs you all the time.

You both were taking breakfast, he was reading a newspaper and you got up to heat your tea/coffe/milk.

"You should spent more time here."

"I already spend a lot of time here."

"Yeah, but i mean... all the time."

"Are you asking me to move in with you, permanently?"

"Kind of..."

He is a lonely, tough men, he really wants to come to the castle after his shichibukai job and find you, but leaving is rough exterior is difficult.

You got close to him and take out his newspaper, you give him a little kiss on the cheek and accept his offer.

Moving all your things from your village to his island was difficult and of course a little hard to explain to people, because you couldn't say you are dating that man.

But moving all your things was worthy, even when you already had a lot of your things there.

Sir Crocodile

He is a bussiness men, a very dangerous one.

He likes to spoil you with gifts and affection and since he has a lot of berries, he buys you so much clothes that you both decided to keep them in his house, so you already had clothes and other things there.

He is a little control freak of HIS things, so he hires people to follow you and keep you safe, as he says.

That makes you upset, so you confront him on his office.

"Why there are so many people following me?"

"I told that idiots to be discreet, i will fire them."

"That doesn't matter, why?"

"Because i like to keep my inversions safe."

"That's what i am? well, inversions are kept on hidden lockers, so what are you going to do next... lock me?"

"Do you want to live with me?" you didn't know how to answer, "you are more than an inversion and i will have peace on mind if you sleep every night with me and my security alarm."

You thought about it for a moment and nodded slowly, every second the idea sounded better.

You spent the night in his house and when you were the next day preparing yourself to go get your things, all of them were already on the front door.

Apparently your powerful bussiness boyfriend had sent his staff to broke into your house and get all packed.

Donquixote Doflamingo

He doesn't ask you, he informs you.

You had a really good night with him, there was a moment when he got jealous over a dude but after that everything was perfect.

When you both ended your night things, you decided to back to your house since you had to work early tomorrow.

You open the door and find that all your things were gone, you thought someone broke in, you were almost crying and were about to call Doflamingo (since he is the king of Dressrosa he is the better person to call)

Then a large figure appeared behind you.

"Hi little thing." your breath paused from the shock.

"Why are you here? You have something to do with these?"

"Of course, you really thought someone could break in my girl's house? do you think i would let you go home without my supervision?, you underestimate my possesiviness towards you."

"And why? you are mad because of that guy on the bar? that's why all my things are gone?"

"Partly yes, your things are not gone, they are on my palace," his arms lifted you from the ground, "seeing that stupid man made me realize that i need to keep a better eye on you... that's why this isn't your house anymore, so lets go home."

Even if you wanted, you couldn't say no, you don't know how are you going to adapt to these new change but you have no option.

Smoker

He is a marine, which means he is a very traditional man (on my perspective), under his rough marine reputation, he want's to do things right with you.

All marine officers have a big house provided by the goverment, he has a estable job, paid vacations and all the requirements to be a good choice partner to live with.

So after thinknig all of that, he decides to make a plan to ask you out.

He makes dinner for you both, not anything fancy, he is a direct man and he doesn't want you to think he is going to propose to you... yet.

The dinner was in his house, and was one of the best dates you both have, even if he couldn't cook the meal right.

"So, i was thinking... i am a man with a stable job, a high rank, a good salary, a good house."

"Are you going to propose?" you couldn't believe it, it felt like it was to soon.

"No, if i wanted to kneel with a ring i would have taken you to the best restaurant i could, like the Baratie or things like that."

"Who would have thought you are such a romantic man."

"I am not."

"Clearly, then what?"

"I am trying to ask you to move in with me."

"We both are marines, i have the same privileges as you."

"Yeah, but i am one rank higher than you, which makes me the one who would ask you to move in." he looks so proud about it.

"Fine, but what we do with my house?"

"We do the paperwork and we should receive a contribution for it and maybe we can't take our next vacations together to a nice island."

"You never take vacations, you love your job more than me."

"Believe me, if this happens, then we will take vacations together."

"Okey, then you should help me to move in, come on." you were already getting up to start moving, the excitement was making you not see things clear."

"I think we can do that tomorrow, now i want you to stay here." he took your hand and sat you on his lap.

Shanks

He is pretty fast to ask you in and well, moving in has two meanings: joining his crew and moving to his quarters.

The first one is really fast because he is a pirate and doesn't spent to much time on a village.

After trying to delay as much as possible his leaving while he thinks about asking you or not, he decides to give it a shot.

"(Y/N)-chan, do you want to live a big pirate life?" he says while passing his arm around your shoulders with a big smile, he looks like he is trying to recruit you to a cult.

You accept and now you are a part of the crew, you have your own quarter on the ship and you like being with the crew.

After a couple of months, you start getting involved with your captains, you were worried about what your crewmates would think about it.

He is worried too, he knows that everything is all fun and with no strings while you both have your different spaces. He knows once you moved permanently to the captain quarter, it would be official and irreversible.

That situation lasted a couple of weeks more till he couldn't wait anymore.

"Hey, sit down," he was waiting for you with a cup of sake, "i konw we've been doing things."

"If that's what you want to call it, then i am dissapointed."

"I mean, this isn't official to the rest of the crew and the world, even if it is to me," he interviewed his fand to yours, making you see you are important to him, "and i don't know if you are ready to take the next step, cause if you do, you will be known as "Akagami Shank's partner," he makes a dramatic pose, before going back to his serious face, "i want you to move to my quarters, if you want to be publicy known as..."

"Yes, i want, even with your stupid snores and your cold feet, i would like to sleep next to you every day."

"Ahhhh, how great it's to hear that... i don't know what i have done if you said no." he gave you a kiss got back to his dramatic being again.

[celestemona]

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘'𝐑𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐒

and the kids ask them how did they fall in love.

pairing: dad & husband! alhaitham, cyno, kaedehara kazuha, kaveh, lyney, neuvillette, wriothesley x fem! reader

cw: original characters, slightly ooc to fit the plot, domesticity, fluff. use of farsi, arabic and japanese terms. there's a lot of dialogues but there's a plot. approximately 7.3k words. not beta-read.

reblogs and comments are appreciated ♡

WRIOTHESLEY

You watched Cameron and Éveline playing on the other side of the room as you tirelessly documented the files that had arrived from the courthouse that afternoon. 

Wriothesley have been patrolling the prison’ Forbbiden Zone all day after receiving an information about some anomaly within the fortress, so you barely had seen your husband except for the brief greeting at breakfast.

Distracted with your work, you didn't even notice that both children had stopped building the wooden blocks and Cameron was sitting in the chair in front of you while Eve made herself comfortable on the sofa behind him.

“Mummy?” he called and you looked up from the papers at him and smiled.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“How did you and Daddy fall in love?”

Your son's sudden question took you by surprise, leaving you stunned for a few seconds. But you soon found yourself chuckling and ignoring your work to pay attention to the boy. 

“Why the sudden curiosity, Cam? That's pretty out of your character, you know.”

Cameron shrugged.

“I just want to know how you and Daddy met.”

Smiling softly, you nodded.

“Very well. Let’s see… It all began a long time ago, when mommy was sentenced to the Fortress of Meropide,” you narrated in a reflexive tone and waved for Éveline to come closer to sit next to her friend.

“Back then, mama wasn’t the person she is today, you see. I was rude, I was always angry, I picked fights with anyone who crossed my way and I didn't let anyone get close to me. You could say I wasn't a very nice person to be around, and because I was in prison, it also meant I wasn't a good person either.”

“I simply couldn't get used to life down here as most of the prisoners do, nor do I could accept the sentence that was given to me. Therefore, I rebelled in every way I could and participated in the fights in the hope that someone would see some value in me and would send me back to the capital. But, well, at that time we had a not very nice director and the inmates cared more about themselves than about others.” 

“Lo and behold, a year passed, your dad ascended as Duke and I was still hoping to be able to get out of here.”

“But then, the night of a new duel had arrived and barely I knew it'd be a night that'd change my life forever. It was the night I finally met your dad. Or better saying, where he became interested in me.”

“I remember it was a quick fight. I was already assured of victory but my opponent decided to bravely face me anyway. Although I was no longer the girl I was a year ago, I was still merciless in the face of a rival. Mostly of the Pankration Ring’s regulars knew my name because I made of it my reputation. That was one of the reasons your dad went to watch the fight that night. He wanted to see who was the person who was sending dozens and dozens of prisoners to Sigewinne,” you smirked at the kids making them giggling. 

“When the fight ended, he came to me wanting to know more about me and asking all kinds of questions. Nevertheless I wasn't interested in relationship, preferring to stay away from every one of the Fortress. Furthermore, I had an exclusive grudge against men so I couldn’t stand his person,” you paused the story to see if Cameron would react negatively to this detail but the boy only seemed more interested by it. 

“I don't remember very well what I said to him, however, it was clear that I wasn't interested and didn't want any kind of flattery from him. Needless to say it didn't work because your dad is as stubborn as a mule.”

“From that night, Wriothesley made a promise to himself to get closer to me and he fulfilled it very well as he kept following me everywhere.”

“It was extremely annoying and I couldn't understand what his curiosity about me was. After all, when I first arrived here he had never shown any sign of acknowledging my existence, so why at that moment?”

“Even though I still didn't understand him and tried at all costs to escape his sight, Wriothesley always found a way to find me and include me in his conversations. It was irritating to get so much attention from the new director of the Fortress of Meropide, and it was even scarier for me not to know what was his intentions either. But, over time, I got used to his presence and even started to yearn for it…”

“A couple of months later I dared to ask him why he insisted on getting closer to me,” you snorted at the memory as a small smile stretched your lips.

“What did he say?” Éveline asked curious.

“He said he wanted me to know that even though I kept pushing everyone away from me, he’d always come back. Because even though I thought I was doing better on my own, no one deserves to be alone and remain unseen.”

“It wasn’t the answer I expected but I felt like all my feelings—all the frustration, anger, sadness, and pain I was carrying at that time were validated, and he was seeing each of them.”

“After that, it took a while longer for me to accept that there was someone who cared about me, but I slowly opened my heart to him.”

“When I finally came to terms with my feelings, I still tested Wriothesley's loyalty a little bit more. I must say it was worth it to see him working hard for two years. Nonetheless, he was and still is the best choice I’ve ever made,” you finish the story and the children clap excitedly making you laugh in amusement.

Unexpectedly, a third person also claps and you see the said person leaning against the stair railing, smirking at you—probably he had been there since the beginning of the story.

“So you mean that all that time I was trying my best to have my feelings acknowledged you were testing me? That hurts, doll.”

You roll your eyes and turn your attention back to the children who were entertained by the scene. 

“Just like I’ve said. It was worth each second.”

NEUVILLETTE

“Mummy, daddy. How did you fall in love?” Éveline asks suddenly as she makes her presence known in your husband’s office, making both of you stop your tasks to stare at her.  

“I was playing with Cam today and he asked his mama how she and Monsieur Wriothesley met and fell in love, and it was a very nice story! I want to know how you and papa met and fell in love too!” she says with a rare enthusiasm that makes you chuckle and Neuvillette smiles fondly.

“My my, if my beautiful Line isn’t curious today, huh?” you tease your daughter and leave a quick peck on her pale cheek soon after. “Well, let me see… Everything began when mama was sentenced to prison,” you chuckle when Éveline's blue eyes widen. 

“No need to get your little head stewing with that, angel. It was years ago and mama didn’t stay there too long either. You see, your mom used to do some… inappropriate stuff and I ended up going to trial for that.” 

Neuvillette snorted softly from his desk.

“Inappropriate is a very polite way for your mom to say she used to be involved with a lot of illegal matters, darling,” Neuvillette pointed out with a small smirk himself as he stopped his reading to stare at you. 

“Oh, shush you, Neuvi. You say that as if it was an unforgivable crime when it wasn’t,” you roll your eyes in fake annoyance making Éveline giggle, “As I was saying, angel. Mama went to trial and, of course, your papa was the only one to conduct it.” 

“You see, I already knew who was he—actually, who didn't? The just and benevolent but impartial Iudex of Fontaine. Although, I had never seen him in person until the day I had to show at court.”

“At that time I’d never admit it but I was very anxious to meet the head judge of Fontaine. When you get involved in reckless things, you think you're smarter than everyone and will never get caught, but little did I know that your dad had been tracking and watching me for ages.”

“And then when I finally stood in front of him, my nervousness strangely disappeared and became more like a curiosity. After all, I had only heard about the Iudex's morals and not his personality much less his appearance, so it was clear to everyone at the court that I was very intrigued by that man standing above me.”

“As the trial proceeded, he gave me a five-year sentence in the Fortress of Meropide which I managed to reduce by eight months for good behavior,” you winked at your daughter who kept listening to your storytelling, dazzled. “Not only did I refuse to be there in prison away from my own business, but I felt more motivated to return to the surface to learn more about your dad.”

“When I finally got back to the city, I used all my means to get your dad’s attention again—which actually worked several times since he likes to keep an eye on Fontaine’s order.” 

“Then, the months were passing by and my curiosity and interest just kept growing. And suddenly, I caught myself falling in love with all the things I was learning about him.”

“Even though it was fun to use of wrong ways to get the attention of the man you like, it was also tiring. And that situation was also reaching a point where I felt like your dad wasn't giving me the signals I was expecting him to do, so I was also getting stressed. Maybe he isn’t as fond of me as I am of him, that was what I thought.”

“Nevertheless, I'm a very resilient woman. I didn't let myself sink into self-pity, much less feel sad about the lack of reciprocity in love so I opened a new business here in the capital saying I wanted to live a peaceful life, and see where it’d take me. Fortunately here I could make great friends, a lot of associates, and even more trades.”

“And contrary to my guessing, Neuvi eventually started to visit my store where we had more appropriate interactions and talks, much for my joy.”

“I kept falling in love with him every day, you know? Thankfully your dad is a gentleman and he didn't take too long to ask me on a date. From then on, we became almost inseparable. That’s our story.” 

As you finish your love story, you could see your daughter’s eyes sparkling like two beautiful gems and a huge smile shining on her face. It made you happy that she enjoyed the story of how her parents met instead of getting mixed feelings by it—after all, the things you still do are better kept hidden until she’s older enough to understand them. 

You and your family kept talking about the said topic for a while, but eventually, you had to say goodbye to them to leave for a meeting with some partners from your business which you already were late for.

Unbeknownst to you though, Éveline and Neuvillette who were still in the office, shared your love story once again. But this time, it was a version you still haven’t heard.

Perhaps you'd never know either as it became a secret shared only between father and daughter. 

“I fell in love with your mom at the very moment I saw her.”

LYNEY

The twins' little nimble footsteps could be heard throughout the house before it took them to the kitchen where you and Lyney were busy cleaning the lunch dishes. 

“Mommy, mommy! Uncle Freminet just read a book to Quentin and me and we want to know how you and Daddy fell in love too!” exclaimed Corinne, smiling excitedly. 

“Oh my. That was quite sudden,” you laughed as you dried the last dish of the day and put it away immediately to give your full attention to the children, “I bet it was a very romantic book for you to be so excited about.” 

“It was!”, they exclaimed together making you and Lyney laugh. 

“I don't see why not, then. It may not be as exciting as the tale Freminet read to you, but I think you'll like it too,” you say sitting at the table and placing Corinne on your lap while Lyney does the same with Quentin. 

“Well, I think our story is much more charming than the one in the book that Uncle Freminet read to you,” replies your husband, sending you a wink, “You could say that like a fairy tale, the magician prince fell in love at first sight with the most beautiful princess in the entire kingdom.”

“Back in those days, a troupe of nomadic artists traveled throughout Teyvat bringing joy and laughter to their audiences. It was your mom’s family.”

“They traveled across all nations enchanting its residents with their music, acrobatics, but especially with their dance. And, believe it or not, they had never come to Fontaine until that day.” 

“As a lover of the art of entertainment, I had to see for myself what a performance by the Pathfinder’s Troupe would be like, they who had a reputation that extended beyond the stars in the sky! Furthermore, as a colleague in the same department, I also wanted to give my final verdict. But truth to be told, daddy was just a little bit of jealous because of all the attention mama’s group was getting at that time,” he made a face at this specific memory that made you and the kids laugh. 

“So when the night of the show came, I finally understood why they were such a success. All the troupe members had a bright, warm smile, seeming to love what they were doing. The music was loud and happy and even though you didn't know the language they sang in, you wanted to join them. It was a simple show, but funny and welcoming.” 

“But then when it came time for your mom to take the stage, there wasn't a person in the audience who wasn't dazzled by her. Including me,” Lyney pauses as he smiles at the memory running through his mind. You smiled back. 

“It was, and still is, the most beautiful performance I had ever seen. Not only did your mom look like a goddess at that moment, with her traditional clothing, makeup, and gold jewelry, but she mesmerized the audience with her movements.” 

“Unfortunately, her dance didn’t last long and she soon left the stage, thanking us all for our presence.” 

“Like several people enchanted by that beautiful dancer, I tried to approach her to say my compliments but—whether you two believe it or not, daddy was scared to death.” 

“Why scared Daddy?” asked Quentin. 

“Mama was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of her, much less offend her with my words,” Lyney replies to which the two children nod as if they understood. 

“Luckily, daddy always had a secret or two up his sleeve, and when I approached her, I did a little magic trick turning a tiny spark of my vision into a Rainbow Rose, which at the time I thought was my worst trick but it seemed to make your mom happy.” 

“It was the most genuine and sweetest gesture anyone had ever made to me,” you extend your hand to your husband across the table and he takes it, placing a light kiss on your palm. 

“We didn't have much time left together since she was traveling back to her hometown the next morning, and nor did I have the courage to invite her to dinner either, something that caused me deep regret and even made Aunt Lynette annoyed.” 

“But before she left, I promised I’d see her again. And, luckily, a few months later, she and her troupe returned to Fontaine to perform a new show.” 

“And then you said you loved each other?” Corinne asked innocently.

You and Lyney laughed, “No Rin. Far from it actually. Your dad could barely get close to me without him stuttering something indecipherable, turning around, and disappearing into the city streets,” you teased your husband which made him feel embarrassed. 

“What can I say? You always seemed to get more beautiful each day and I had never been interested in anyone before. Besides, there were a lot of suitors vying for your attention so I figured you wouldn’t be interested in me.” 

You roll your eyes in amusement, “And look where we are now.” 

“So how did you start to love each other?” Quentin asks, still in doubt. 

“After many failed attempts by your papa, he finally managed to invite me to dinner—which I accepted without thinking twice. After that, he felt more confident talking to me and asking me out,” you say, “But there were also many times when we were away from each other due to our work.” 

“I knew I loved the troupe and I loved being on the road traveling and performing in different countries but I was also in love with your papa. When I was with him… I knew I had found a home. So I left the troupe, came to Fontaine, confessed my feelings to him and, fortunately, he confessed me back.” 

“And since then we have been living happily ever after. The end!” Lyney jokes and you and the twins giggles again. 

“So! Did you like the story?” you ask. 

Corinne is the first to nod eagerly. Her beautiful purple eyes shone like two amethysts in pure joy towards her parents' love story. 

Quentin in turn… 

“Meh. I thought Daddy had fight a dragon to save you.” 

You and Lyney stare at each other for a while before laughing loudly, catching the attention of Lynette and Freminet as they enter the kitchen. 

Yeah. You couldn't deny it. Fighting a dragon seemed more exciting in this case.

KAEDEHARA KAZUHA

“It’s more precise to say that love has fallen on me,” Kazuha said as he sat Kazumi on his right leg and little Kiyomi on his left. His children looked at him with a confused expression making him chuckle. 

“It was a long time ago. We were sailing on the waters east of Mondstadt when I felt an unknown agitation being carried by the wind currents.”

“You should know that it’s pretty rare to face sea creatures nowadays due to fishing, but at that time, it was an occurrence we faced quite often so we should've always be prepared for it. And as part of The Crux’s crew, it was my job to stay vigilant, so I immediately informed our captain and mates to stay alert and careful for a possible attack—although I must say I wasn’t alarmed as I should be. Something in my instincts told me to not be afraid,” he smiled at the memories. 

“Then, as if to confirm my predictions, we saw a shadow crossing the skies and falling not soon after. No one seemed to react in time, however, I had instantly prepared myself with the help of my vision for whatever was coming to us.” 

“That was when your mom fell directly into my arms, surprising everyone on the ship because I had just saved her life from a free fall after one of the wings of her wind glider broke,” the kids gasped and he kept softly smiling at them.

“I feared that your mama had hurt herself during the fall but when she finally looked at me she was giving me that gorgeous, bright smile of hers. I think it was at that exact moment where she had my heart.” 

“Until that moment I had never seen someone so beautiful in my life. She looked stunning, wonderful. As radiant as the first sun ray of the morning.”

“I could see she was thanking me for saving her life as her lips kept moving, but all I could do at that moment was stare at her, completely mesmerized. It was quite impossible not to be that one who was falling in love at that very moment.” 

“After that, she started accompanying us on some journeys and even took us on some of her adventures. I was in love with her free spirit, yes, but even more so with her person. It didn't take long for us to get closer, and starting to date her was as natural as having her in my life.”

“That's our story. It is still being written, however, this time we have you, our most beloved children, to share our memories with.”

As he finished it, Kazuha noticed the dreamy and joyful expressions on both children's faces. Kiyomi seemed the most enchanted by the story since she had inherited the romantic spirit of both her parents while Kazumi pretended to be unimpressed when in fact, inwardly, he was eager for more details of it. The patriarch couldn’t hide his amusement at the view. 

Both siblings showed excitedly their enthusiasm towards their parents’ love story with some funny and cute comments here and there which, eventually, drew your attention to the living room they were in.

When you walked in with a baby Haruki sleeping in your arms, your family stopped their conversation to stare at you which made you raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“What? Am I interrupting something? I heard a loud noise coming from here and came to see what you two little things were up to.” 

Kazumi and Kiyomi looked briefly at each other before giggling cutely. 

“Otochan was telling us the story of how you met and how he fell in love with you,” your daughter responds excitedly. 

This immediately brings a smile to your face, making you walk over and sit on the couch next to them, adjusting Haru comfortably in your arms as you lean towards your two older children and husband. 

“Oh, I love this story! Did you guys know? I literally fell for your dad!”

KAVEH

It was late at night and you and Kaveh were putting Zahra to sleep. 

Normally, you and your husband would take turns with your daughter's nighttime routine so that the tasks wouldn’t be exhausting for only one person. 

However, the little girl had woken up sick that morning and had demanded her both parents' attention all day, acting more whiny than usual. So it wasn't unexpected that she also asked for both parents to be with her at bedtime.  

Lying in bed with Zahra, you stroked her blonde curls as she snuggled into the warmth of your embrace, happy for the attention she received. In turn, Kaveh was looking for a book from her mini collection to read to her, although you could tell that he was having a hard time making the right choice since none of the options seemed to catch his daughter's attention. 

“Umm… We have The Boar Princess, Flowers for Princess Fischl, and The Fox in the Dandelion Sea but Daddy doesn’t know if you want me to read one of those titles again,” Kaveh showed her the books but Zahra denied them.

“No! Daddy already read The Boar Princess yesterday and I don't like Princess Fischl,” she responds grumpily, which draws a sigh of defeat from the architect. 

“Okay, I'm out of ideas. Azizam, I need help here.” 

You giggled softly but went to your husband's aid, “Well... How about we change the scene a little and tell you a different story?”

Zahra's eyes suddenly widened in curiosity and she nodded enthusiastically. 

“How about if we tell you something new? Something that doesn't even exist in books. The story of how Mommy and Daddy met!”

Kaveh, also seeming to brighten at your suggestion, takes the other spot on your daughter's tiny bed and wraps his arm around both of your waists.

“Ah, this is one of my favorite stories,” he comments, sending you a small smile. 

“It’s better than The Boar Princess, mummy?” asks Zahra excitedly. 

You laugh, “Much better than The Boar Princess, sweetheart. Honey, how about you do the honors?” you suggest in a mischievous tone that catches Kaveh off guard, but seeing that you weren't going to budge and his little princess seemed increasingly anxious, the architect cleared his throat before starting to recount about the day he finally met you. 

“Let’s see… It was at a time when life was a bit of a rollercoaster for me.”

“You know, I’ve always been very passionate about my work and have always dedicated myself to the maximum to bring my projects to life. I was ambitious, hard-working, and had dozens of clients but I was also quite ignorant. It didn't matter how great my desire to build houses and palaces was, or how strong were my inspiration when my wallet didn't match my reality. Neither did my mental state...” 

“Then one day I received a letter. It was the Liyue's Tianquan inviting me to participate in an exclusive civil construction project and my participation in this event would be of great honor.” 

“When I saw that opportunity, I grabbed it without thinking about the consequences. After all, it wasn't every day that I received a chance like that, and even though my work had a certain popularity, not all clients were able to follow my ideas. So I imagined that being in a foreign environment with people who apparently valued my projects would be like reaching the purpose I wanted. Plus the paycheck seemed to be rewarding too.” 

You snort in amusement at his last comment. 

“So I went to Liyue and soon I was in a huge meeting room with professionals coming from all Teyvat. As the project meeting continued I found myself increasingly out of place by the suggestions my colleagues were making. They were so closed-minded. When they’re thinking about time, I wanted quality. While they wanted cost savings, I wanted to do something to make the people involved in that construction feel worthy of a home. It was disappointing and I was starting to get sick of that place.”

“That’s when your mama decided to speak out,” the man’s eyes twinkled briefly. 

“Unlike those people who had simple and selfish ideals, your mom was brilliant, confident, and bold. Not only did she catch the attention of the men in that room with her beauty and elegance, but it was certainly her intelligence that captured the hearts of many that day. Including mine.” 

“Until that moment I hadn’t given my opinion, but knowing that one of the main people in charge had a similar vision to mine, I felt excited to give my ideas. It was one of the moments I felt most anxious too.” 

Zahra frowned, “Why Daddy?”

“I think at that moment I got it into my head that your mom had high expectations for me and I didn’t want to disappoint her.” 

“But luckily that wasn't the case as she seemed to approve each of my ideas. That’s how we ended up forming a partnership.” 

“As we worked together, I found myself liking her more and more. At the time, this was also a big obstacle for me as I didn’t like mixing my professional and personal relationships.”

"But— aah, your mama had a way of enchanting me every day. She appreciated my work and my dedication. She encouraged me to think bigger and challenged me to be bolder not only with my work but with myself. Somewhere along the way, our nightly sessions turned into conversations about life, ambitions, and even our struggles.”

“A few months later, when we finally finished the construction, I felt brave enough to confess my feelings to her, and guess what your mom said, Zaza?” 

“What? What did she say Daddy?” she asked expectantly. 

“Mama said she wouldn’t accept my feelings until I sorted my life out,” he huffed making you laugh and your daughter look at you in disbelief. 

“Don’t look at me like that, Zaza. At the time it was the right decision to make. I was already in love with your papa as much as he was with me, but I knew he wasn't ready to get into a relationship when he wasn't okay with himself. I wanted someone who could provide me security and was confidence in themselves, and your daddy didn’t have those qualities.”

“Ouch, azizam. You don’t need to rub it in!” 

“I’m just saying.”

Kaveh sighed resignedly, “Anyway, she said she wouldn’t accept my feelings but would wait for me as long as necessary.” 

“After that, I returned to Sumeru but this time determined to prove myself to her. I used every means possible to resolve my financial, family, and personal issues. I worked tirelessly to find my path and build my own home. And almost two years later I traveled back to Liyue. But this time I was sure I wouldn't leave without my girl, and so I did,” he finishes the story, and you clap softly while Zahra smiles tiredly. 

“It was a great story, azizam,” you comment, smiling, “But I think now it’s time to finish for today because our little princess needs to sleep well to wake up better tomorrow.” 

Kaveh looks at his daughter's sleepy eyes and agrees. 

You place Zahra back on her pillow and cover her with the blanket, placing a kiss on her forehead—Kaveh copying your gesture soon after.

Saying goodnight to the girl, you and your husband leave the room together, leaving the door ajar the way she liked it. 

On the way to your room, you couldn't help but notice how Kaveh looked so down and you frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

He clicks his tongue and turns his face to the other side, mumbling, “I was just thinking you didn't need to say that I didn't look confident back then, you know? What about now, azizam? What will my own daughter think of me? She’ll think I’m lame!”

You roll your eyes. 

“You surely look lame now.” 

“Hey!”

ALHAITHAM

The heavy oak door creaked softly as Alhaitham entered the house, his mind finally relaxing after a long day at work. 

Right in the living room, the scribe identified your very focused presence with what he presumed to be correcting tests and homework. So as not to make his arrival go unnoticed, Alhaitham approaches and gently touches your shoulders, making you jump in scared. 

“I’m sorry, habibti. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says and you smile at him. 

“It’s okay, dear,” you reach for his hand and squeeze it in greeting, “But you should learn to make a little more noise, Haitham. Your presence is as subtle as that of a cat. Anyway, welcome home.” 

Alhaitham kisses the top of your head, “Thank you. Where is Hakim?”

You frown and look around the room but don't identify your son's presence anywhere.

“I am not sure, to be honest. He was here with me until a few minutes ago but I don't think watching his mother work is that fun. Maybe he's painting in his room? If he had gone out to play with the twins, he’d have told me,” You conclude. 

Your husband nods, but the faint gleam of recognition in his eyes announces that he already has an idea where the child could be. 

“Very well. I’ll change my clothes first and I’ll make us some tea right after, okay?” 

You nod in thanks and turn your attention to the paperwork while Alhaitham disappears through the halls of the house. 

Instead of making his way to your shared room, the scribe heads to the door of his office where he finds it ajar. Not surprised, Alhaitham approaches and through the small opening observes the brightly lit room as Hakim makes himself comfortable on the floor leafing through a specific book but surrounded by dozens of others—which he assumes have fallen to the floor as his son tried to reach them from the highest shelf. 

A mixture of fatherly pride and affection surfaced beneath his stoic exterior. 

Clearing his throat lightly, Alhaitham approaches with measured steps, not wanting to scare the boy.

“I thought I’d find you here,” he announces making Hakim jump in fright, just like his mother did. Alhaitham snorted in amusement. 

“Sorry Baba. I know you don’t like anyone touching your things, but I was going to tidy everything up later.” 

“It’s okay, Kim,” he replies calmly and sits down in the armchair located in the middle of the office, “What are you reading?”

Hakim smiles adorably showing off the book he was so interested in and Alhaitham couldn't help but chuckle. 

“It’s a cool book!” comments the boy, “I can't read what's written because there are lots of strange letters and drawings but they're cool too.” 

“I expect so. After all, your mother wrote this book.” 

Hakim’s interest peaks, “Really?” 

“Yes. It's one of my favorite ones, by the way. It was through it that I met her”, he pats his thighs inviting Hakim to sit on his lap which the boy accomplishes happily. 

Hakim leans back against his father's warm chest, hugging the book affectionately, “How did you two meet, Baba?”

Alhaitham was silent for a few seconds before letting out a reflective sigh. 

“It was at the same time that I was holding the position of Acting Grand Sage”, Alhaitham began, his voice taking on a nostalgic tone. 

“Sumeru was going through great changes due to everything that had happened and, inevitably, Akademiya had been one of the main places affected by it. I ended up temporarily taking on the role of the great sage out of respect for Buer's wise decision, although it wasn't exactly the job I was looking for.”

“There were many responsibilities, many commitments, and daily there were dozens of issues to be resolved due to years, centuries of bad motivations. So you can imagine how exhausting it was to rebuild an entire institution from zero and be that person that people followed orders.”  

“Until one day your mother suddenly appears as a new candidate for the position of professor in the Darshan of Haravatat.” 

“I hadn't met her at first since our paths never seemed to cross. Yet the words in the halls of the Akademiya were always the same: the new professor was like a breath of fresh air in that old institution—beautiful, kind, with a passion for knowledge that matched her beauty.”

He paused, remembering the scene as if it were yesterday. “One afternoon, I found myself in the library again, buried in a book—absorbing all that knowledge with a hunger that had previously been unknown to me. Little did I know that it was her book that I was reading. Such insight, elegance, and dedication to details had uniquely captivated me.”

“I was pretty engrossed in the text when I heard footsteps approaching,” Alhaitham continued, with a hint of amusement in his tone. “She stood by my side and gently asked about the book, curious to know what I thought, and so our conversation began.”

“We didn't talk much that day as I was a much more reserved person, but she was exactly as the scholars’ whispers described her. Through the brief talk we had, I was able to explore philosophical thoughts and complexities of life that I had never explored before. Your mother had a way of drawing out my thoughts, of making me see beyond the surface and into the depths of existence. That’s what attracted me to her in the first place.”  

“As days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, we met at the library quite often. Our discussions deepened, and with each talk, I found myself opening up in ways I hadn't before.”

“I think she knew back then that she had caught my attention, although it took her a little longer to realize that she had stolen my heart,” he chuckles softly. Hakim smiles in delight.

“We began spending more time together beyond the Akademiya strongholds, exploring the world around us. It made me realize how much I wanted her in my life. In that same way. Every day." 

“And then one night, in our quiet sanctuary in that very hallway in the library, I told her those exact words,” Alhaitham's voice softened with love.

“She smiled that radiant smile of hers that illuminates even the darkest corners of my soul and said she felt the same way. At that moment, Hakim, it was like the stars aligned and everything fell into place.” 

“That’s how I met your mother, Kim. In the silent corners of knowledge and amid the pages of her wisdom, our love story began—a story woven with understanding, respect, and a bond that grows stronger with each passing day.”

Alhaitham ends the story with a slight smile to which his son imitates him, admiringly. 

“I hope one day I can meet someone like you and mama did, Baba.” 

The scribe smirks in amusement, “I hope for the same, child.”

Not long after, you made your entrance into the office carrying in your hands a tray with three cups of tea and milk and Hakim's favorite cookies. 

“I knew you boys were hiding out here,” you smile at your husband and son, completely oblivious to the story they just shared. “Come on. Let’s eat while the cookies are still warm.”

CYNO

The whole family was gathered in front of the fireplace reviewing some photos that you had captured and saved over the years. 

From your days as an eremite to the twins' first steps, every moment was recorded in several photographs that you kept with the greatest care so that, from time to time, you could remember them again with a nostalgic feeling. And currently, this was one of those moments. 

Aryan and Isaar were having fun with some older photos of Cyno, courtesy of Cyrus, while you and he organized the rest of the albums back into the box they belonged to. 

It was a serene moment, of pure bliss and harmony. Something you wish you could capture with your kamera again, but you'd rather enjoy just being with the people you loved most. 

“Hey Mama, what picture is that?” asks Isaar, breaking you out of your daydreams. 

When you recognize the black and white, slightly blurred image, a giggle couldn't help but escape your lips. 

“Aah, it's from our first date,” you reply happily, “If I'm not mistaken, Dehya and Candace had followed us that day and took this one. Nobody could believe that the emotionless and unapproachable General Mahamatra could go on a date with a beautiful girl, so I think they wanted to have proof that this day happened.” 

Cyno snorts and the twins nod in understanding, smiling at each other. 

“How did you and Baba meet?” Aryan asks shortly afterward, still mesmerized by the photo in his brother's hands. 

You and Cyno locked eyes briefly and a mischievous smirk crossed your face as the flicker of a smile curved his lips. 

“Well, you boys won't believe it, but it all started when I defeated your baba in a fight.” 

The smile on Cyno's face immediately disappeared, being replaced by an expression of slight unbelief and confusion. “You didn't defeat me, hayati. I remember very well that it was a draw.”

You made a slight grimace as if you didn't believe the blasphemy your husband was saying, which left him more incredulous than before, and your children quite amused. 

“These are irrelevant details, my love. Let’s pretend you never said that.” 

“Anyway, I was a different person back then,” you continued, your eyes shining with a mixture of mischief and pride. “Living according to my clan's philosophy but in a more devious and rebellious way, if I may say so. I wanted to chart a path in a way that’d only suit me.” 

“I used to do several illegal jobs for which the matras already persecuted me for, but it was deceiving the young and naive scholars from Akademiya that amused me and made my reputation grow among its guards. No need to give me that look, boys. Mama only took them to forbidden ruins and mausoleums in exchange for extra money,” you added the last part as you received strange looks from the twins. 

Cyno, seeing the scene, snorted in amusement, “You’re not helping yourself, hayati.”

“If they want to hear the true and complete version they better be prepared to hear what happened,” you wrinkled your nose. 

To save you from more possible judgments, Cyno resumed the thread, his deep voice cutting through the room. “I was immediately informed about the incidents that were occurring with certain frequency, and tasked with restoring order. It was supposed to be a job easily accomplished even by the lowest ranking among the matras, but not only were your mom’s activities not within the law, as no officer was a match for her strength either. Many scholars had not been discovered of their misconduct thanks to her,” he admitted, a slight affectionate smile crossing his face. 

His subtle compliment made you shy. 

“And just as your dad’s reputation preceded him, he tracked me like a bloodhound,” you said with a hint of admiration underlying your words. “Until one afternoon I caught myself off guard on the outskirts of the Sobek Oasis and he appeared announcing that he’d take me to the capital so I could have my punishment. I found him incredibly attractive at that moment, but I wasn't going to give in so easily either. In the end, we ended up fighting,” you giggled remembering the duel. Two forces of nature colliding: fire and thunder. 

“It was a draw,” Cyno resumes saying it again, “Although I must admit your mom gave me a bit of a hard time. It was my first time facing a formidable opponent who was equal to me—I dare say even superior to my abilities.” 

Isaar, the more curious of the twins, leaned forward, eyes wide with excitement, “What happened next?” 

You exchanged a knowing look with your husband, silently communicating with him. 

“Well, sometimes life surprises you,” you respond cryptically, reaching out to ruffle the child’s hair in affection. 

Cyno's gaze softened imperceptibly as he continued, “Our paths continued to cross after our first meeting. While on one hand your mom seemed not to give up what she was doing, I felt increasingly motivated, challenged to stop her—after all, not only was this affecting the performance of the Akademiya students, but it was also tarnishing the reputation of the matras who weren’t managing to deal with that situation.” 

“But as time passed and we kept facing each other, we also came to an understanding. Sometimes behind the clash of wills, there is a common thread. That’s how your mom and I realized we were stronger together than we were apart.”

Aryan, although quieter but no less attentive, absorbed his father's words with a thoughtful expression. 

“So, it was like fate, Mama?” he mused aloud.

You smiled warmly at your children, your heart filling with maternal pride. 

“Maybe it was. In an unpredictable way, but woven by the hands of fate,” you respond, your voice carrying the weight of years of shared history and love.

As the night progressed, you and Cyno continued to tell the twins your stories of adventures, challenges overcome, and the unshakable bond that had been born in infertile soil and blossomed into a deep, beautiful, and lasting partnership. 

[chubsonthemoon]

It is done! This is The Death of Translation, originally written in English by @landwriter, translated into Mandarin by @thirrith. Binding is dos-à-dos, with English version on one side and Mandarin on the other. Bookcloth was handwoven by me, on my rigid heddle loom :3

More under the cut!

Typeset: Fanbinders are Liars

Full stop, this typeset would not have been possible without Eth and all their patience, enthusiasm, and willingness to do even more translating! I reached out to them *checks watch* nearly a year ago in July 2023 (lololol), asking if I could use their translation of TDOT in a surprise bind I wanted to send along with Gloam's author copy of Flower King. They were kind enough to say yes, and even kinder to answer my questions when I reached out six months later in January, when I was finally able to start work on the typeset.

We talked about the many delicious things that are bound to come up when discussing translating not just from English to Mandarin, but also from digital space to meatspace. Some topics I had anticipated, like font questions, translating the colophon, etc. But even with the topics I thought I'd prepared for, there were still things that came up that both surprised and delighted: for example, while AO3's website allows for italics in Mandarin--

--my publishing program doesn't (or at least, it doesn't without needing to manually tilt every character by about 10 degrees). So as a workaround, Eth suggested changing these cases of italics to the font 华文楷体:

Through no one's fault but my own, this ended up being only slightly less work than manually tilting every instance of italics--I wanted to be sure that I got all of them, so I ended up doing a lot of double-checking manually anyway, instead of relying solely on the Search function. There was a lot of cross-referencing with the Word document that Eth was kind enough to provide, as well as squinting and general swearing. I also did the same for the uses of Latin script, manually styling each instance as Garamond to keep it consistent with the English edition:

The only other time I've had to do font surgery this intensive is probably for my typeset for Tell Me About the Big Bang, which I had to port over from a PDF. Folks, hell on earth. Do not recommend XD I remember squinting at my monitor as I had to visually confirm every instance of italics, thinking I will never do this again. Welp, four years later, here were are: fanbinders are liars, LMAO. At the very least, using Eth's Word document at least allowed me to search by styles, so it was a little easier on my eyes. 🙏

Is there a script that I might've been able to use if I was more code-savvy? Probably. But I figured going at it sledgehammer style would be the least hair-pulling way to get the job done, weirdly enough. Still, despite my best efforts, there are a few instances of PMingLiU to Garamond and PMingLiU to 华文楷体 that I know I missed, and I know I missed them because I caught them after I'd printed/cut/folded/sewn/glued (cue more swearing), so Gloam and Eth, my apologies >.< please consider them artifacts of a uniquely handmade object ajslkdjfs

In addition to the fonts, there were also some other fun things Eth and I discussed, like how to translate the notes I usually provide on the colophons! In addition to information on fonts, I also usually include some variation of:

This private, limited edition published by chubsthehamster (Moonham Press, imprint of Renegade Publishing) in 2024. This is chubsthehamster's personal copy. Out of three existing copies, this is the first.

The thing that came up with this, which still tickles my brain to this day, was how Eth chose how to translate "Moonham Press, imprint of Renegade Publishing." To get a better sense of what word to use for "imprint," they asked what the relationship was between Moonham Press and Renegade Publishing, which got me thinking about the relationship between my lil imprint and the wonderful @renegadeguild:

What's all very funny about all of this is that we are now, in fact, going by the name "Renegade Bookbinding Guild," per our most recently updated Code of Conduct. While this renders the wording I asked for out of date (and thus, the wording that made it into the book out of date :'D), I think it's also a testament to how cool the work @renegadeguild is doing--like any artform, fanbinding is alive, with its own evolving language, communities, and ideas about the craft. And I love it, I love it so much. (Was this also a plug for our new-ish website? Perhaps).

There's more I could say here, but this post is already going to be long enough, so I'll move on for now! If you get anything from this section, it's that @thirrith is amazing and very patient and kind, and I'm so grateful that we got to talk shop together. Thank you so much for all your invaluable help with this, Eth! I hope the typeset, though undoubtedly flawed, does your hard work justice!

Binding: Or, SO Much Math. Like, So Much, Guys. (It was worth it, though!)

Whoo, boy! So math was never my strong suit in school, but when I set out to do this bind last year, that wasn't an issue. At first. The dos-à-dos binding, if anything, just requires a little bit of finagling on the usual case-bound format--a bit more math if you want to do an all-cloth cover, like I planned on doing, but nothing I couldn't work out with some trial and error. (My prototype below!)

Then came February, when I took a weaving class with my friend, and then everything kinda exploded.

My original idea was to use some green Duo bookcloth I had on hand (this color, actually)--for those of you not initiated into the Duo cult, Duo is a Rayon bookcloth with a very devoted fan following in Renegade. It's very pretty; the Rayon weave is one color, and the paper backing is usually complementary color, so it has this cool two-toned effect. Duo is in high demand in Renegade circles because sadly, the company that manufactures it went out of business last year. (Although I've heard rumors recently that there's another company making something similar, but the cloth has a really high purchase requirement and is, like, for businesses only I think).

Anyway, I also wanted to have a gold line around the whole book as a kind of bellyband/obi to further connect the two versions of the story (another reason why I chose the dos-à-dos format to begin with heh), as you can see from my scribbled notes here--

But alas! I knew going in that adhering things to Duo is often Problematic, thanks to one very painful experience trying to get some iron-on foil on another bind (the textured surface of Duo just makes it kinda hard to stick or paint stuff on it). So if I wanted a clean, continuous line, the remaining options were to either paint it on a strip of paper that I'd somehow...adhere to the cloth? Or maybe cut different slices of bookcloth and glue them on. I wasn't satisfied with either of those options, though.

Then--the weaving class. I made a scarf, and I love it and I loved making it. But the whole time, I'll not lie, my thoughts were elsewhere.

In short, my decision to weave my own bookcloth kinda came from a few different factors:

The desire to attempt to recreate Duo, that elusive beauty, the one that got away, etc. (I have several yards in my stash, but still). Others have also attempted to recreate it, and I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring.

My current spiral into the deep hole that is fiber arts (it started with crochet, then knitting, then sewing, then weaving, then spinning, and now I'm eyeing quilting! Please help me).

The gold line. It kept bugging me. And when I found weaving, I just thought there was something very neat about the process of actually making the cloth for a dos-à-dos binding from scratch, and especially for this binding. I wanted to bind a story about translation (or rather, the death of it, and yet still the necessity of it--how we must try to communicate, despite of, or perhaps precisely because of, everything that gets lost in the spaces between people, and the tragedy of that loss, and the beauty of what makes it through, and the love always present in the effort regardless), and also, the translation of that story. Weaving is a very meditative process, and with every pass of the shuttle, back and forth, building slowly but surely the fabric that would hold the story that Gloam had written and that Eth had translated, I thought a lot about translation, and the gaps between people, and how we choose our words not just when translating, but when we speak at all. From a design perspective, I used the same colors I would've used had I chosen the Duo bookcloth--green and gold--so the design wasn't too altered in terms of color scheme. But I think the choice to weave the bookcloth--the thing that bound it all together--made the project take on a completely new meaning for me, both in process and in scope, one that hadn't been there when I started. I saw the warp, perhaps, as the original story, laying the groundwork for the weft, the translation; or maybe it was the other way around, with the translation providing the scaffolding for its own, new meaning, choices that Eth had to make with this word or phrase or another building something new, something translated, and the original a live, moving thing that wove over and under each word turned phrase turned story; or maybe it was both. Maybe it didn't matter which was which, in the end. And as I wove, the thing that connected them, that gold line that had started all of this, slowly formed.

All that to say: Good God, was there a lot of math. So much math. That prototype pictured above was actually made specifically so I could calculate exactly how much I needed to weave, lol, because while I certainly had enough thread, I didn't want to have to warp more than once. I'd learned the basics in my class, but the training wheels came off here. I wanted to make my own custom fabric, which meant calculating things like ends per inch, picks per inch, loom waste, shrinkage after washing, the width of that damn gold line, how much I'd need for the hinge, the turn-ins, the boards--the whole nine yards (I didn't actually weave nine yards tho heh). It was all absolutely worth it in the end--so challenging and so, so rewarding!

(And my final reason for weaving the bookcloth? Not gonna lie, It was because I just wanted to see if I could do it LOL. I love trying at least one new thing with each of my binds, and this was it for this project. While I've been bookbinding for a few years now, I'm still very much a beginner weaver, and I'm so excited to continue to learn and experiment! Also, here's a video of me unwinding the cloth from the loom, heh. I used 10/2 Perle cotton in gold and green colors :3)

Also, turns out, you can back handmade cloth the same way you can any other cloth! I backed it using my usual heat-n-bond method, and with some Unryu Tissue in the color Forest. Since the cloth itself is a bit transparent, there are a bunch of really fun fibers you can see when it's held up to the light, but which aren't visible when the cloth is glued down to the boards. Still, knowing they're there still makes me happy :D

Finally, capping all this off, is one final, small detail I really liked: ginkgo leaf endpapers :3 this one's for me and Eth and Gloam specifically <3

Aaaand that's all from me for today, folks! Thus ends (several months late XD) my last Binderary project for the year. This was probably my most ambitious bind to date, and gosh it was so, so much fun.

And, of course, thank you so much to Gloam for sharing your story, and Eth for translating it. I can't wait for y'all to receive your copies soon!

All my love! <3

[frownyalfred]

Why is it so hard to find ppl that actually understand bruce? I am tired of either finding ppl that see him as an abuser or others that only love wfa version of him I am really tired of this like really I can't even join a Fandom without getting my favorite character not getting mischaracterized left and right 😔

I'm going to rant a little bit here, and I apologize in advance. This isn't really directed at you. But I'm kind of tired of this flavor of ask. I get it a lot -- half of these asks are praising me for having a "good" interpretation of canon, and the other half are blasting me for being too "fanon" and bending too much to fandom tropes in my posts and writing. And of course the nonstop WFA hatred in my inbox is tiring.

Be the change you want to see in the world. If you don't like what the fandom is doing to your blorbo, write him your way. But sitting at the edge of the playpen complaining about how someone else is playing with their toys isn't useful. And it's really getting annoying to me, as a content creator.

I'm also tired of the superiority some canon-adherents have over those who write/draw more fanon tropes. So many of you are SO bitter over the idea that fandom is "ruining" Bruce or your other Batfamily blorbo because how DARE they write your blorbo in that way that is so OOC. How DARE they! And yet, you sit on the sidelines and create bitchy tumblr posts about how those fandom participants are stupid, or ill-informed, or simply don't have the higher thinking ability to understand your blorbo like you do.

And yet. You don't write Bruce the way you "enjoy." You don't create content or share posts or promote those canon characteristics you so highly value. Instead, you write posts complaining about the others in this fandom and deride them for being stupid like adhering to canon strictly somehow makes you better than anyone else. You mock their acceptance of fanon tropes as canon as if there is required reading in this fandom, entirely dismissing the idea that the line between DC fanon/canon is confusing as hell on a good day, and ignoring that the natural progression of engaging in fandom is finding out -- sometimes on your own timeline -- what actually happened in canon. Especially when canon is so vast.

And guess what? At the end of the day, we are all on the fandom website(s). You're still reading fanfiction at the end of the day. Canon or fanon or some blend of the in-between, you are still a fan participating in fandom content in some way or another. And we are all equal in that respect.

We are all here to enjoy these characters. Fanfiction is a medium that allows us to further explore canon, yes, But it is also a way to explore the OOC, the what-if's, the out of character but fandom-fave ideas and tropes people want. The fact that OTHER people enjoy those things should never impact your enjoyment of fandom.

If you cannot handle someone else playing with the same toys as you, but playing with them in a way you don't like, you need to go back to preschool. And if someone won't give you your toy back, find another one. Write the story. Create the post. Build your own engagement from the ground up, finding likeminded people if you can. They are definitely on here.

But I get the impression that when people complain about fanon "ruining" fandom, what they're actually saying is "I'm upset that canon content isn't as popular as fanon content." And that, I can't help you with. We can't always change what other people love or want to engage with.

I'm sorry that this rant is blunt, but it's been simmering inside me for a while. I'm really tired of getting and deleting this ask 15 times a day. You will not find much sympathy on this blog for canon purism and the derision of fanon/fandom, and for that I apologize. But it's the truth.

I enjoy consuming content about both "fanon" and canon Bruce. I like the contrast and complexities. But I have seriously had to stop following a ton of blogs in the last year who don't create "canon" content anymore and instead spend their time complaining about other people in the fandom who are just enjoying themselves and creating their own content. It's incredibly disheartening and frustrating.

[uzurakis]

hello!

Can we have JJK guys reaction to his friend/buddy being in love with his girlfriend? (can sukuna and other any other characters you like).

THEIR FRIEND ALSO . . . LIKES YOU?!

featuring: ryomen sukuna. gojo satoru. itadori yuuji. fushiguro megumi.

n. hey sweetheart, i’m not used to writing sukuna, but i tried to write him as him as much as i can! i hope it suits him. thankies for the req x—x

GOJO SATORU. when gojo found out that his friend also liked you, his reaction was, unsurprisingly, far from what most people would expect. instead of anger or jealousy, he simply shrugged it off, his trademark smile playing on his lips.

“did you hear what i just said?” you asked, looking at him with wide eyes, he wasn’t fazed. “your friend likes me.”

gojo laughed, waving a hand dismissively. “oh, i heard you,” he replied, leaning back against the couch with an amused glint behind those glasses. “but why should i be worried? i know you’ll choose me at the end of the day.”

you blinked, taken aback by his confidence. “you’re not even a little bit concerned?”

“not at all,” gojo said, grinning. “i mean, can you blame them? you’re everything. but they don’t stand a chance against me, darling.”

“besides, it’s not like i don’t trust you. i know you love me.”

his words were playful, but because you know him well, he was serious. it was just the way he expressed it. “you’re right,” you admitted, tracing figures on his hands. “i do love you.”

“see? nothing to worry about. let him have their crush. it doesn’t change anything between us. if anything, it’s flattering. just proves i have excellent taste.”

RYOMEN SUKUNA. being in a relationship with sukuna meant navigating his unpredictable moods and overwhelming presence, but you had never seen him this angry before. the air seemed to crackle with his frustration as he paced back and forth, his eyes blazing with a fury that sent chills down your spine.

“babe,” you began, trying to calm him down. “what’s wrong?”

he stopped pacing and looked at you, his expression dark. “fucking jerk, it’s that so-called ‘friend’ of mine,” words spat out immediately. “i found out he likes you.”

your heart skipped a beat. you had noticed the way his friend had been acting lately, but you hadn’t thought much of it. now, seeing sukuna’s reaction, you realized just how serious this was.

“ryo,” you said softly, stepping closer to him. “i chose you from the start, right?”

he growled, his hands clenching into fists. “i don’t care about that. he should have known better. he should have known that you’re mine.”

sukuna lined up his hand on your chin, causing your eyes to meet. “if he comes near you, he’ll face my wrath,” he whispered, his tone still laced with menace. “no one threatens what’s mine.”

“especially my woman.”

ITADORI YUUJI. you told him about his friend’s feelings while you both were sitting inside your cozy room. itadori’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, but then he leaned back in his chair, processing the information.

“wow,” he said softly, scratching the back of his head, those pink locks becoming messier. “i didn’t see that coming.”

bitting your lower lip, you’re worried about how he might take the news. “you’re not mad, aren’t you?”

but your boyfriend shook his head, full of understanding. “no, i’m not mad, baby. feelings are complicated, y’know? it’s not like he can control how he feels.”

you sighed in relief, appreciating his maturity. “okay... i was just worried about how you’d react.”

“baby, i trust you, and i trust our relationship. besides, i’m kind of curious now. like, since when did he start liking you? how did i miss that?”

feeling the tension ease out of the situation, you chuckled at him. his obliviousness always gets in the way. “don’t know the exact moment, but i guess it’s been a while.”

“hmm,” the guy leaned forward, resting his chin on his free hand. “did he ever try to tell you or make a move?”

you shook your head. “no, i guess he didn’t. i think he knew about us and didn’t want to cause any trouble.” after your statement, a thoughtful expression was written on his face. “that must have been tough for him. i mean, having feelings for someone who’s already in a relationship.”

“it probably was,” you agreed. “but i’m glad you’re handling this so well.”

“hey, anyone would be lucky to have you. i just got there first.”

FUSHIGURO MEGUMI. he took a deep breath, deciding to be honest. after fushiguro found out that his friend liked you, it hit him harder than he wanted to admit. the knowledge gnawed at him, and although he tried to brush it off, doubts began to creep in, making him question his own worth and your relationship. “i found out that one of my friends likes you.”

“really? who?” you blinked in surprise, not expecting that. he named the friend, and you frowned, thinking back on any interactions you might have had. “i had no idea…”

fushiguro nodded, but his eyes avoiding yours. “i didn’t either. it just… fuck, it bothers me.”

“i guess it makes me question things. like, am i good enough for you? do you have feelings for him too? those sorta things..”

your hands immediately caressed his by instinct, seeing him like this made your heart ache. “baby, you’re enough for me. i don’t have any feelings for them. i’m with you until the end.”

the man looked down for a long while, his grip on your hand tightening. “but what if i’m not enough? what if there’s something lacking in our relationship that makes you look elsewhere?”

“there’s nothing lacking, megumi. i’m happy with you. and i love you just the way you are.” you shook your head, cupping his face with your free hand.

after that he leaned into your touch, closing his eyes briefly. “i don’t want to that jealous boyfriend but i can’t help it. the thought of losing you to someone else…”

“you’re not going to lose me,” you interrupted softly. “i’m here with you, and that’s not going to change. fushiguro then opened his eyes, searching for reassurance in yours, before closing them again. a little, relieved smile tugged on the edges of his lips. “i love you. i’m sorry for doubting us.”

@uzurakis

[thatmooncake]

Liking Nexus and wanting to imagine him getting a redemption arc isn’t cringe, some of you guys are just mean

People go to great lengths to defend their faves, seemingly afraid they’ll get the same treatment Nexus did both by the fans and the series and become the demonised unfavourite - the scapegoat who can do no right. At the same time many insist Nexus and his fans somehow uniquely “deserve” this treatment (Nexus can’t, he’s made up - his fans don’t, some people are just mean) and that these things befell Nexus specifically for an actual reason.

They did.

The reason was the writers wanted something new for the character.

Not him not trying hard enough to grieve better or be a better victim of Ruin’s actions. Not him “liking Solar more than Sun”. Not New Moon being the “worse” choice out of him and Moon (meta reason given is Moon literally came back because they needed a Moon - of course Moon was the better choice out of him and Nexus who was an active threat at the time, the reverse would’ve been true if it’d been New Moon vs Moon with the killcode actively causing damage). Not him being more villainous than Ruin or Eclipse (I am not going to be debating whether genocide or murder is morally better or worse than verbally, psychologically and physically harming a small handful of people, sorry). Not something that was subtly established throughout his entire time as New Moon. Not something that was planned from the start. Just a change in direction. That holds literally no moral weight - that’s not something to hate each other over. The writers are allowed to do that - it also needs to be understood as being a writing decision that, although it was retroactively woven into the narrative to some degree, was made on a whim.

It could’ve more or less been any character this happened to. It still could happen to basically any of them. They’re made up, they don’t make their own choices, they don’t get to fight against what the writers want, they don’t get to make appeals on narrative decisions. You’re not watching a documentary of a fictional world where in-story choices aren’t made for a meta narrative reason - sometimes writing decisions are made on the fly due to the nature of the medium. And when the characters’ choices don’t fit within the established narrative aside from to be a change for the sake of change (literally the meta reason given for Nexus going evil) and the in-story reason that has been repeatedly established for the entire villain arc is literally psychosis plus ingesting a substance that made the character in question quite literally lose his mind as demonstrated and explained by multiple other characters - both mitigating factors that didn’t need to be included if they weren’t supposed to be taken into account when considering how this character got to where he got - when his villain arc alone required a mastermind interloper character to step in and manipulate his every step into villainy, his decisions can’t be reasonably treated as 100% informed or as part of his established in-story disordered “personality”, because we already know they happened because they needed to happen for the story to progress the way the writers wanted it to, and yet still effort was put into heavily mitigating his ability to make good choices, which shouldn’t just be written off or ignored because you want to bash the character or make his fans feel bad for liking him.

More food for thought: Nexus isn’t blameless or a good guy. He’s done bad things. Despite Dark Sun’s involvement, despite the nsp, despite the grief, despite the psychosis. You don’t have to like him, pretend to find him good or interesting, or give him a pass. You can hate his guts. But you know who else was unequivocally considered a bad guy who didn’t deserve a pass at the time he died (twice, maybe three times in fact)? Eclipse. You know who accomplished more damaging acts of villainy and had just as bad or worse intentions than Nexus at the time of his death(s)? Eclipse.

And the difference between the two - the thing that sees Nexus written off as an irredeemable “psychopath” (respectfully, both this and “narcissist” are misappropriated terms for stigmatised disorders so it’s best not to use them in this circumstance btw) while Eclipse is now praised for taking all these steps in the right direction - is that the writers chose to give Eclipse a redemption arc and they didn’t choose to go down that route with Nexus. Nexus was not more uniquely “deserving” of being the narrative unfavourite or the scapegoat. He just wasn’t chosen to get better - he wasn’t allowed to do better. That could have been Eclipse. That could have been Ruin. In this case it was Nexus. Like it or not, that’s just simply how it happened.

I’m allowed to care about that and imagine more possibilities. You’re allowed to not care about that and dislike him. You don’t get a pass for bullying people over it.

There is literally no good reason to demonise Nexus or his fans more than any other character or keep telling them what he is or isn’t “capable of” or “correct” them and laugh at them for imagining alternative outcomes they might like better. The canonical answer is: he’s not capable of anything anymore, he’s not in the story. The non-canonical answer is: let people use their own imaginations, especially when the writers have decided they don’t want to or have chosen not to use this character anymore. That’s not a diss on them. It is what it is.

Have you seen the DCA fandom? The DCA isn’t canonically a mermaid or a spy or a god or anyone’s love interest. The DCA doesn’t get adopted in canon. No one let that stop them from having fun, and honestly power to them for their creativity and acceptance even when they disagree. Imagination isn’t cringe - it’s a good thing. It’s great that people enjoy this character that much actually. We all have stuff we like and dislike and don’t care about and that’s a-okay. There’s a difference between that and constantly derailing people’s fun to say rude insulting things about the thing they like while they’re trying to talk about it. You’re not hurting Nexus - Nexus isn’t real, he isn’t capable of being hurt. You’re hurting real people for the crime of liking a made up character in a way you don’t like or agree with. Say what you like about things being cringe - that’s worse than cringe. I don’t care how badly you want to find someone or a group of people you can say it’s acceptable to bully for some reason. You’re not being cute and sassy, you’re just being mean. People are allowed to harmlessly enjoy themselves (especially if their fave happened to draw the short end of the stick in canon) even if you don’t like it or find it annoying - please give other people that level of consideration at least.

(And no I won’t be derailing this to debate Nexus’ morality or whether you think that I’m somehow saying he didn’t make any of his own choices or didn’t do anything wrong (tl;dr I didn’t). Respectfully, this post is about meta narrative analysis and fandom meanness and how yes, basically any character could’ve been and could still be Nexus’d.)

[nipuni]

Alright, time to share my opinions about Veilguard!! I have both criticism and praise so bear with me as I jump from one extreme to the other 😆 spoilers ahead of course!

The game has a very rough start with the dialogue being formulaic and rushed and the characters overexposing. It feels like a heavy handed attempt at summarizing all of previous games' lore for newcomers or in case you forgot but it's so overdone it feels coddling and trivializes a lot of previous events. Luckily this gets better once all of the introductions are out of the way, though the excessive hints and clarifications continue until the end sadly.

The locations are absolutely incredible and very diverse!! This is a highlight of the game for me. There is so much detail and care in every map and there are so many of them. My pc is struggling to reach medium settings and yet everything looks stunning. The verticality of the maps is so imposing and the graphics have a very dreamy quality that I love. I also enjoy the maze-like structure to the maps, it's more linear but makes everything look a bit more intentional. The color and light direction was amazing, all the visual development really!! it has to be one of the prettiest games I've ever played.

When I started I have to admit it did not feel like I was in Thedas and it all felt a bit theme-parky, if that makes sense. A lot of previously important and established world elements that made Thedas what it is were overlooked or made irrelevant. But the more I played the more it started to feel a bit more similar to Inquisition, for better or worse depending on what you feel about Inquisition. But!! this also feels like a selectively sanitized version of Thedas compared to previous games. In it's attempt to stay safe and uncontroversial in some aspects it loses a lot of substance and it changes the tone. The surface level politics, ignoring previously established major societal issues and a tell-don't-show approach makes the world seem more simple and shallow with no grey areas to explore. ( the humor also falls flat and out of place often too, and WHY is everyone always smirking, enough!! godlike beings are destroying the planet please this is not the time for Marvel banter aaaa )

The pacing at the start is a bit of a mess. It is so fast it felt like jumping from one world shattering discovery to the next with no time to process. The characters also seem to underreact to important information and major developments. It felt like the game was rushing me through all this to get to the part of the story it wanted to tell me while I was still wrapped in my shock blanket trying to catch my breath lmao. I really like all the key story points they touched upon, I just wish they dwelled more on them to give them more narrative weight. ( though blaming every bad thing to ever happen on the Elves was certainly..a choice )

I think the writing could have used more subtlety in the first half and more boldness in the second 😆 but I loved the thematic parallels between Rook and Solas and how every quest informs the main storyline. I do wish Rook was given more impossible choices and put in more difficult situations that forced them to lie or betray their own to better drive the point home though ( listen I just love a Trolley problem!! we need more of those, I'm the Trolley problem's number one fan!! ) I feel like they missed the chance to put Rook in Solas' role and be as vilified and hated for it as Solas was despite their best intentions which would make Rook's regrets stronger and in turn make their escape from the fade all the more impressive and give them a better understanding of Solas to either use against him or earn his respect. The line 'they called me the Dread Wolf, what will they call you when this is over' from the trailers was so good I was waiting for this!! But everyone just loves Rook no matter what!!

But I feel like I stated too many negative aspects in a row so moving on to some things I enjoyed!

The characters were very lovable to me. The romances weren't as long or impactful as I would have liked but I enjoyed all the companion quests. Emmrich is a delight and his quest is so wild and fun. I loved learning about Nevarra and I was awestruck by the Grand Necropolis. The mourn watch was so interesting, it showed a whole new side of Thedas' lore I knew nothing about! and I loved Manfred! Davrin is so charming, he became a favorite. I loved his quest too and learning more bits and pieces about the Dalish was great, I wish we got more. Seeing the Wardens through his quest also made me enjoy them a lot. Assan was very cute too and I'm glad he was treated as an animal and not turned into a goofy Disney sidekick too much lmao 😭 Lucanis is hilarious. The fantasy Spain/Italy was a bit silly and off at times but he is very sweet! and I love the Spite possession, that was so fun I'm glad they kept him that way! Bellara is adorable, her first backstory quest made me cry and I just love a nerd! I wish the second part of her story was written better however, and she sort of devolves into 'it's hard, I wish it was easy but it's hard' dialogues too often sadly. Anaris and the Forgotten Ones' portrayal was underwhelming and anticlimactic which was disappointing. Harding is also very cute and her Titan plotline was the most interesting to me, I bawled my eyes out in her quest!! I love the dwarven lore of this universe I'm so happy we got more of it!! ( she also fucking died in my playthrough?! I was devastated what the hell 😭 'whatever it takes' WEUEUGHHHG I'M SO SORRY) Neve was a slow burn for me because of my choices in game slowing that relationship down ( saving Treviso I mean, perdón amor 🙏 ) but I love detective novels and she is such a badass I ended up loving her. Taash was unexpected, I didn't think they would be so young. The coming of age story was sweet, though I found myself cringing a lot too at the handling of it I have to admit ( and the Lords of Fortune in general, and the Antaam...and que Qun..listen- kajshfgf ) but I also enjoyed learning more about the first expedition and the Qunari in general despite the messy writing and choices. I also loved Antoine and Evka! and Strife! And I haven't even read any of the novels they are in 😆 also Mila!!!! and her dad oh my god and Felassan haunting the narrative!! speaking of haunting, I would have loved for Cole to be in the lighthouse too I think it would have worked well 🤔 especially with the whole 'reading Solas' secret diary' thing the game had going on lmao

Everyone seems to get along except for a bit of friction that is quickly resolved at the start, which is hmm missed potential? I would have preferred more tension personally. I enjoy the drama! gives me more to work with and gives you a better grasp on everyone's personality by contrasting values. I think they wanted to speed run a found family trope for the new hero to establish some emotional stakes early on but it ended up making everyone seem like a group therapy session instead. The group meetings also have everyone either state the obvious or repeat the same opinion or conclusion to each other, I would have loved these meetings to have more bickering, have people get mad and storm out and also get to listen to different takes on a situation. Make Rook struggle more to take the reins and keep the team functional, learning how to be a leader.

Speaking of Rook! ( who in my case has a northern British accent that I loved so much 🥺) They seem to have a very established personality. I was expecting more of a blank slate but I'm lucky that the personality they went for kind of matches what I would normally choose in a first playthrough. Though the lack of range in the choices is irritating and takes away some replayability and role playing potential. Rook is very supportive and selfless, I wasn't expecting this tbh! But it all made my Rook turn into the team's weird supportive necromancer mom so it worked out in the end I guess lmao. I can't wait to draw her!!

I was so overwhelmed by the amount of information we got about Solas and his past!! I was expecting answers but not these many and not for them to be such an integral part of the plot!! The game feels like it's about him more than anything else. His arc is the best written out of all. He is mentioned in every conversation, he's the main advisor and the narrative foil, you get to talk to him often, you work for him and with him and go into his memories it all feels so surreal to me lmao I love him so I'm delighted ngl! but also making the other Evanuris so cartoonishly evil makes Solas into such an obvious choice of an ally, god of trickery or not, that it sort of takes the decision out of your hands and makes some dialogue options and companions' opinions seem almost nonsensical. I have no idea how this game would feel to someone who absolutely hates Solas' guts honestly. I suppose I will find out soon enough 😆

About Solas' story, I loved it! I somehow also feel that I knew it already, all the speculation and theories that Solavellan fans were crafting for years were so accurate that it was all very validating. Even the wildest ones! Solas as the Maker, the elves spirit origin, Mythal giving him a body, the war with the Titans, the origin of the Blight, Solas being on your side as advisor, I can go on, we knew!! Also I have to mention this I'm sorry but they made him look so hot!! unbelievable. And the bloodied teary eyed pathetic look in the end ouurghhh I'm cheering and clapping!!

The romance conclusion was so lovely 😭 the Loki and Sigyn ending we deserved to such a mythological epic!! and open ended enough for all of us to cook!! and we got to see him fight and transform into the Dread Wolf!! and whimper and cry!! and bleed and love!! that's all I ever wanted, incredible we were really spoiled what the hell I still can't believe it 😭 GDL acting was brilliant as usual! the visuals were also incredible and exactly what I had in mind when I imagined where the story may go, the eclipse, the giant wolf, the glowing eyes, the Elvhenan ruins, the statues, even the hair lmao it all aligned exactly to what I've been painting all these years but better I was thrilled 😭

Solas backstory with Mythal also offers players that didn't romance him a chance to see him act out of love and show a side they wouldn't be able to reach otherwise and I think it was smart! also very tragic and sheds more light into all of his choices and words and his relationship with Lavellan too and the parallels and reversals and uughh thoroughly enjoying the emotional distress 👌

Pleasing both the Solas lovers and haters at the same time was always going to be hard with him being such a polarizing character by design and the world states being so different but I think they did a good job! at least from my side of things.

I think my favorite part besides the Solas related stuff was the Blight. I loved how horrific and gross and threatening it was! I've always loved the concept of the Blights and I'm glad it was such a huge part of the story in this game. I also loved Treviso!! has to be the most beautiful city in Thedas ahhh and the Necropolis!! the gardens!! Vorgoth!!! Kal-Sharok!!! I can't believe we got to see it!! and a Titan!!! the giant floating face of Ghilan'nain in the clouds??? and the huge archdemons and dragons!! oh and that warden dragon trap in the shape of a griffon?? and the giant blight tendrils!! the siege at Weisshaupt was outstanding!! and the floating panopticon castle situation in Minrathous uughh there is so much I loved.

OH I also enjoyed the Varric arc even though I saw it coming since the trailer it was still played well and it was touching 🥺

The ending felt a bit jarring to me in tone though, a bit too cheerful considering...the horrors. Over half the continent destroyed and most of the problems Thedas had before the game are still there. Veil in place and all 😆

But I had fun!! I'm nitpicking really, the conclusion to Solas' story feels very satisfying to me which was my main worry so I'm happy. It is a good game!! with a sort of soft reboot feel to it and aimed at a younger audience which is probably what they were going for? You can sort of feel the struggle the team went through during production in the way the target audience seems unclear sadly. I also can't help feeling like this is an ending, so much was revealed and resolved!! but maybe I feel that way because that is what I felt after Shadowbringers / Endwalker in FFXIV once my favorite part of the story was wrapped? They can always pivot to a new continent and expand on the world and cultures we know almost nothing about, but that is always harder to sell so I have no clue where they will go from here 😵‍💫

Anyway I'm still processing a lot of stuff that I will probably talk (and draw) about later, this is already long enough!! for now I'll look up how to get the artbook because the art direction of this game is fantastic!! I would love to hear your thoughts too really, I'm curious about the experiences of players who made different choices and with different tastes to mine!!

[mcrdvcks]

— logan howlett masterlist

fluff - ❀ angst - 🌦 smut - 𖦹 2,000 followers celebration - ♡

☾: series

i love you, in every time - Logan Howlett x fem!reader ❀🌦𖦹

Logan has spent lifetimes haunted by a curse only he understands—meeting the same woman, you, in every era, only to lose you over and over again. Each time, you’re reborn without memories of your past lives, while Logan, who remembers everything, tries in vain to protect you from the tragedies that seem destined to follow.

Project Reverie - 3 Part Series:

Sweet Dreams - Logan Howlett x Original Female Character (platonic relationship) ❀🌦𖦹

Alexandria Sokolova spent 15 years with HYDRA, ever since her parents and brother were killed in front of her when she was 3. She was raised to be a soldier; an assassin. But now, faced with coming to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, she has to come to terms that there are people around her who don't want to hurt her, people who actually care about her. But recognizing that is harder than it seems, especially with a teacher like Logan Howlett, who seems to care more about her than he lets on. Just because she's currently safe from HYDRA's grasp now, doesn't mean she's safe forever.

☾: oneshots

Oblivious, Baby, Oblivious - People would tell you that geniuses don't know everything, but you tell them that defeats the purpose of the word. Until one day you're proven wrong. ❀

Sweet Nothing - Mornings were Logan's favorite part of the day. 𖦹

Until I Found You - Living in a small town had it's pluses and minuses. But when an older man and his daughter move in, things start to change, perhaps for the better. ❀🌦

Point of View - You weren't skinny which led to a large amount of insecurities. But Logan doesn't understand them. ❀🌦𖦹

Dumb & Poetic - You like Logan, but he likes Jean. Right? ❀🌦

I Wanna Be Yours - You're a hacker for The Organization, a secret group that is currently working on dismantling a mutant trafficking ring. You've been working with Logan for months but neither of you have met each other in person and he doesn't even know your real name. ❀

Call It What You Want - A single sneeze turns into something more, at least to your husband Logan. ❀

love me do* - Logan likes to mark you. 𖦹

things i wish you said - You and Logan get into a fight and Laura tries to get the two of you to see the errors in your ways. ❀🌦

what are hands for? - After an offhand comment from your father shakes your confidence, you find yourself spiraling into self-doubt. ❀🌦

fantasize - You have a crush on Logan, but you're not sure he likes you back. Why would he? You're not his type. At least that's what you thought. ❀🌦

please me - After dating for a while, you want nothing more than for Logan to really please you. Or, you beg Logan to finally fuck you. 𖦹

dress - You and Logan take a tropical vacation for the new year. ❀𖦹

7 minutes - You own a small bakery in Westchester. One day, Logan comes in for an order for the X-Mansion. After that he becomes a regular—something he persistently denies. ❀

needy - You're Scott's younger sister and for months you've been secretly dating Logan. How much longer can you and him keep the secret? ❀🌦𖦹

tum hi ho (you are the one) - You take Logan to a family wedding, where he also gets to experience part of your culture. ❀

how you get the girl - After an argument with Logan, you both stop talking to each other. 🌦

borderline - When Emma Frost arrives at the mansion with a friendly land shark in tow and weaponized flirtation, Logan realizes that he has to make a move before it's too late. ❀

☾: connected oneshots

Shut Up - You and Logan are sent on a mission: go to the gala and find out information about a mutant trafficking ring. ❀ Nasty - You and Logan deal with the aftermath of your mission. 𖦹

Deck The Halls - You and Logan decorate for Christmas with your kids. ❀ i just need this love spiral - Logan just wants one night alone with you. ❀ truly - After seeing Scott and Jean's newborn, Logan gets baby fever. ❀𖦹

☾: drabbles

possessive!reader x Logan (X-Men) ❀

possessive!reader pt. 2 x Logan (X-Men) ❀

Old Man Logan (D&P) x reader ❀

drunk!fem!reader x Logan (X-Men) ❀

Patch/Logan (D&P) x reader ❀

logan and emotionally constipated!reader ❀♡

winter soldier!reader 🌦♡

☾: headcanons

logan and thick thighs ❀𖦹

logan in the star wars universe ❀🌦

logan and giving you a massage ❀

teacher!reader and worst!logan ❀♡

shy/insecure!reader and logan ❀🌦♡

married/domestic life with logan ❀♡

you take a lot of naps ❀♡

you take care of logan ❀♡

you don't want kids ❀🌦♡

logan takes care of you while on your period ❀♡

[skelswritingcorner]

Let Us Help You (An Eddie, Volt, & Endometriosis-having Reader fic)

So, I got into Date Everything recently and even played it on my Twitch. After watching someone play through Eddie & Volt's route, I felt like making a fic with the Skelly Special. The Skelly Special? Making fictional characters witness endometriosis.

Also, if you suspect you have endometriosis/know someone who might, please consult a medical professional, ideally one who specializes in endometriosis. They can help you better than some Vtuber on the internet writing fanfiction.

Spoilers for Eddie and Volt's route!!

Warnings: Menstruation talk, description of genitalia (specifically the vulva and vagina), a good amount of blood, accidental autism coding because I don't know how to write non-autists, medical misogyny (even if the reader is gender neutral they have a uterus so this applies by technicality), and for a lack of better words; having two people assist in changing menstrual products. I promise that it won't be horny, just weirdly suggestive because I think it's in character for Volt.

Word Count: 2.5K

It’s that time again. The time where you need to change out menstrual products twice as often as the average person due to your profuse amount of bleeding, take a strong enough painkiller so you can pretend your uterus is not trying to kill you, and go slightly insane over a weird craving that happens sometimes. That, and pray that you don’t have to call an ambulance so you can get an emergency blood transfusion. Again.

After putting in the first of possibly four menstrual cups you’ll have to put in for the day, you carefully stepped down the stairs to go to the kitchen, holding onto the railing for dear life. You needed something to consume before taking your painkillers, not doing so is a hot ticket to puke town. However, the thing you were craving enough to drive you crazy was just whipped cream. Whipped cream in a bowl. Just gonna hope that you actually have whipped cream.

Using your dateviators, you beamed the fridge to summon Freddy. When he looked down at you, he seemed to already know what was going on. “Need something quick to eat, cool kid?”

“Any whipped cream?” you groaned, arm wrapped around your stomach.

Freddy reached into his coat, procuring a can of it, “Yes I do! But I think you should at LEAST have something else too. Something with… density?”

Taking the can, you placed it down before grabbing a bowl, “I got some crackers to go with them. Combination of salty and sweet.” You grabbed a box of crackers from the cabinet, placing them on the counter as you shook the can of whipped cream.

“Well, if you say so.” Freddy walked off, procuring something from his coat to place on the table. It was a glass of water, of course. You walked to the table to set down the bowl, grabbing a spoon on your way. Once you ate all the whipped cream, you some of the crackers into the bowl, eating those too.

Once you ate, you grabbed a long orange pill bottle full of very large pills. Those were your painkillers, meant to last around eight or so hours. Ibuprofen could only go so far, after that one incident when Sam had to call an ambulance for you during a night out is burned into your head. Gulping down the rest of the water after putting the pill in your mouth, you took some time to prepare for the rest of the day.

You talked to more of the dateables; Telly, bearing Jean Loo rapping as you changed your menstrual cup in the afternoon, even going to inform Washford that him and Drysdale might need to clean bloody clothes again. Just anything, anything, to keep your mind occupied. In due time, night fell, and you were on your last charge.

Eventually, you went to the Breaker Box. You recently helped Eddie and Volt with their faulty wire, about a few days ago. Even though both of them say that they’re fine, you still wanted to check on the two regardless. But the roles might be reversed this time, given the look Volt gave you the moment you entered the bar.

“Live wire, are you feeling well?” Volt walked up to you, observing with his light eyes, “Your skin is looking rather pale, and a moment from passing out.”

You shook your hands in front of yourself, “I’m fine! This is normal for me on my period, at least it’s not to the point of calling my friend to take me to the hospital or anything for a blood transfusion!”

A hand snaked itself around your waist, and the voice of Eddie rang in your ears, “You’re worse than me at this, for amps sake. If we have to, we will drag you to your room and make you rest.”

Unfortunately, you doubled down to the two, “I promised to help the two of y’all with the wiring every night! I can’t skip a day becaus- MMF!” a shot of pain straight from your uterus led you to fold into yourself, and falling forward. Volt caught you in his arms, his supple pectorals cushioning your face.

Volt clicked his tongue, “And you almost fell to the floor. Eddie, should we keep them here?”

Eddie grunted, wrapping his arms across your back and under your knees, hoisting you up, “Based on what just happened, it’s best that we keep Y/N here.”

Placing a hand on Eddie’s chest, you tried to wriggle out of his arms, “Seriously, I’m gonna be fine. I’ve had this condition for what, over a decade now? I know how to take care of myself.” That, and you needed to change your menstrual cup and didn’t want the embarassment of them seeing the bloodbath. “Can I at least use the bathroom first? Alone?”

Volt puffed out his cheeks, squinting at you. Eddie just shook his head, in that not mad but disappointed energy that you’d expect from your own parents. “Fine. But if we hear you falling, I’m opening the door immediately. I’m still carrying you there, though.”

So you ended up just letting Eddie carry you to the bathroom. When he set you down, you ended up realizing how wobbly you were, god damn anemia ruining your day.

“Fucking hell,” you hissed, “why does my anemia have to start setting in right now?”

Eddie placed his hands on your shoulders, “Are you sure that you can be by your own?”

A blush creeped itself up your cheeks. Does Eddie realize what he’s going to see? You might be in a relationship with him and Volt, but you think it’s way too early to have either of them see your vulva in its bloodiest state. Do they even know what menstrual products are? Would they be disgusted?

“Are you worried, live wire? Rest assured, we will take good care of you,” Volt appeared, kneeling in front of you, “Eddie and I may not know what exactly is happening with your body,” he took your left hand in his, planting a kiss on your palm, “but you helped us, saved us. Wouldn’t it be cruel if we don’t help you back?”

Sighing in defeat, you relented, “Alright, I’ll let you two help. Just… at least wear some disposable gloves. It’s going to be… extremely bloody.”

Letting the two assist you to the toilet seat, you grabbed a drawstring bag from your pocket. Undoing the string, you took out a black menstrual cup and placed it on top of the bag. Eddie raised an eyebrow, “What’s that for? It looks like a silicone funnel.”

“A menstrual cup,” you explained, “it’s not a funnel, or else it wouldn’t be useful for my purposes. The stem is for ease of taking it out, and the cup is to contain the blood. It’s meant to last twelve hours before needing to remove it.”

Eddie nodded, turning to Volt. “I’ll go grab some gloves. Once I get back, you can tell us what we need to do.”

It didn’t take long for Eddie to leave and come back with two pairs of black nitrile gloves. He gave one pair to Volt, and they both put the gloves on.

“Ready, livewire?” Volt asked, cocking his head.

You nodded, “I’ll have to lift up the seat and pull my pants down, but yeah.” Cautiously, you gripped the counter as you lifted the lid of the toilet, pulling down your sweatpants as you sat back down.

“So, we just need to take out one thing and replace it with another? Sounds simple enough.” Eddie knelt down in front of you, Volt moving to your left side. “Where do I need to go?”

Pausing, you covered your face with your hands to hopefully hide your blush, “It’s… you have to stick your fingers inside me in order to get it. The one I’m wearing has a ring on the stem that you can grab.”

Another hand placed itself on your thigh, pulling it toward the location of Volt, “Don’t worry, live wire. I can keep you… distracted as Eddie works his magic.”

Making a gap with your fingers to see Eddie, you nodded; a silent confirmation to proceed. He nods back, using his right arm to hold your leg and his left to… ‘assist.’ Going down from the hair on your pelvic mound, he lightly pushed on your vulva with a finger, “In here?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then,” Eddie placed his right hand on your stomach, tilting your pelvis for easier access, “say something if you get any pain.” He then positioned his finger in between the lips of the vulva, pushing it inside. Since you expected it, you didn’t jerk or make a peep. When he felt the cup, he hooked his finger around the ring. “I think I got it. Ready?” Eddie waited for you to nod again, and he slowly pulled out the cup.

Once it was out, Eddie investigated the contents. Volt leaned in to investigate as well, “Oh dear,” he winced, “that looks to be what? Two ounces of blood?”

“My flow tends to be quite heavy. There’s probably a chunk or two of uterine lining too. Just pour the contents into the toilet bowl and clean it with water, I’ll sanitize it later.” you explained, grabbing the other menstrual cup. Both cups were rather large, but the black one had a stem and the pink with the ring.

Eddie got up from his kneeling position once he dumped the contents, going to the sink to wash off the excess blood. You could feel some of your menstrual blood coming fresh from the pussy falling into the toilet bowl, but at this point you lost any fucks to give.

Grabbing the black cup, Eddie went back to his earlier position, investigating the thick silicone. “How do you put this in? I don’t think it involves shoving it inside you.” he asked.

“Oh yeah, you fold it, give it here and I’ll show how,” Eddie gave the cup to you, and you pinched the sides together, making a taco-like shape with the fold, “You have to make sure it’s unfolded when inside, usually you gotta feel around for any folds and unfold them.”

You handed the folded up cup back to Eddie, who nodded. More confident now, he pried open your vulva with one hand, pushing your menstrual cup in with another. Volt rubbed circles into your thigh, slight tingles appearing where his fingers went. After a bit of prodding from Eddie’s end, he grabbed some of the toilet paper, wiping off the blood that seeped out of the vaginal canal, along with the blood that went past the cup.

“Alright, it’s over now.” Eddie took off his gloves once putting the toilet paper in the toilet, putting them in a trash bin nearby. Volt helped to hoist you up, and to help put your underwear and pants back on you before also throwing away his gloves.

“Well, Eddie,” Volt looked over to Eddie, “let’s situate our little live wire at their own table. I doubt that they can do much in regards to maintenance right now.”

You rolled your eyes, “You remind me of the bartender I used to work with back in college right now, Volt.”

Eddie cocked his head, hands on his hips, “You worked at a bar, Y/N?”

“I’ll explain once we’re not in a bathroom.” Grabbing the used menstrual cup and placing it in the drawstring bag, you let Volt carry you to one of the VIP tables. When he set you down, he and Eddie grabbed seats as well.

“So, you worked at a bar during college?” Volt asked.

You nodded, “College town. I started off as a barback. The bartender taught me a lot about making cocktails; what alcohols go together, what flavors should never be combined, and how to crush up ice real good. His wife also has my condition, so he knew what I was going through. I remember that he forced me to take time off during the first few days of my period.”

“And what is your condition called?”

“Endometriosis. Basically, my uterine lining appears outside the uterus and on other organs. It fucks with fertility, so chances of me carrying a fetus to term would be pretty low. Despite there being a chance, I’d like to not bring someone into the world that will suffer like I do.” you explained.

The way Volt looked at you, it felt like you broke his heart. “How…” Volt paused, contemplating before continuing his question, “How far does it go? The lining?”

You pointed to your head, “Oh, it can go up to the brain. And fuse organs together. I tried to get a hysterectomy some time back, but my gynecologist said that they wouldn’t go with it unless I’m like, married and have kids.”

“Oh, our poor little spark,” Volt lamented, “I can’t believe that someone would force you to suffer for so long. Who are they?”

“Volt,” Eddie warned, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to electrocute someone.”

You nodded, “Yeah, I agree. I no longer go to that gynecologist anymore… or any, for that matter. That experience turned me away from going to one ever since. Probably a bad idea, but I’m not gonna bother with trying to find a new practice until my current job situation is resolved.”

“Anyway,” you grabbed your phone, “I’m gonna go sit here until the club’s closed. Don’t worry about me, I’ll keep myself planted here.”

The two nodded, and left you at the table to open the club.

♦♦♦

Eventually, the club closed, and everyone left. Except for you, since you were passed out. Head resting on the table, eyes shut, and dateviators awkwardly skewed.

Eddie looked over at your sleeping figure, chuckling to himself. He gently lifted your head from the table, lifting you into his arms. You didn’t even stir from your slumber.

“Exhausted, huh? Guess we can do the daily maintenance together some other time.” Eddie muttered to himself, looking over at Volt.

“Is our live wire asleep?” Volt whispered to Eddie.

“Yeah,” Eddie whispered back, “I’m gonna take them to their bedroom.”

It took no words for Volt to follow Eddie out the Breaker Box and into your room, helping his counterpart situate you on the bed. Volt made sure to take the bag with the menstrual cup out of your pocket, placing it on the nightstand.

Eddie knelt over your sleeping form, kissing your forehead before removing the dateviators off you, placing them next to the bag on the nightstand. The two then left your room, letting you slumber away.

(I am full of regret)