#and if my roommate is there i'm going to feel like my life is a performance and i have to perform
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I write fragile on a dozen boxes salvaged from recycling I forgot to take out before I knew I was moving and my hand shakes even more each time. The lines bleed off the box corners and into me. I'm fragile, you see.
#poem#poetry#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#long story short i have made choices in my life such that my only option when i hit this present juncture#was to move home and i am not handling the lack of choice well#in my first year living here especially i bought beautiful fragile things because i love beautiful fragile things and because i thought#i was on the path that my next move would be my last one. i was going to buy a home and that would be it and i'd only need to pack up#my whole life once more and so i could justify the vintage vases and such. but the past couple of years have been brutal on me#and i've made choices that i stand by and choices that i don't and now i'm moving home and it's less than ideal but i'll make it work#perhaps this is short story long#anyway. before i first moved in my roommate texted me from home depot because she and her boyfriend were at home depot#and i was at work at the time. and she wanted to know what color i wanted my room because they were gonna paint my room that day#and i didn't have time to make a decision and she's an artist with a great eye so i sent her my pinterest decor board and said maybe a gree#like this kind of green? and she got this gorgeous green reminiscent of a paris green that looks amazing with all my art on the walls#but i just had to take the art down. i'm in the middle of the task actually. and now it's just this big green expanse#and i'm not feeling so good about leaving this place#but the way i felt so safe and so loved when i got that text and when i got here and saw that the room was painted bc they wanted me to sta#the past few years have been not so good in a lot of ways like i said but this place was an island of peace for me when things were rough#anyway. fragile. thanks for listening
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i think i might be legit happy for the first time in my life.
i got out. i actually got out.
#and i mean unabashedly#fully wholly no ifs no buts no compromises. I'm out i have friends REAL friends like irl we hit it off so well in just a few days#we're all here cause we all love the same things i can hop on a bus and go anywhere i want in the city (ANNUAL BUS PASS FOR 25€. HELLO???)#i live on my own I'm meeting my roommate tomorrow and ik she's a sweetheart my professors are trans friendly the prices on stuff are decent#I GET TO USE MY OWN NAME.#i get gendered correctly even with long hair this is the first time in my life where i recognize myself in the mirror#this still doesn't feel real. if i think about it too hard i start to tear up#i think the local mutual aid group might even have resources to get started on hrt
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I do not think evangelizing on the double standard of women being expected to wear makeup everyday to grown women is actually productive or respectful (provided they are not judging me for not wearing makeup), we can all make our own decisions on how to walk through this world, however, it is true that whenever a woman in my daily life equates making themselves decent and presentable with having a coat of natural makeup on, I do have to viscerally repress the urge to shake them by the shoulders and scream that they've been had.
#to be clear this is not me being against makeup or even against wearing it everyday!#i know it's an important part of self-expression for lots of people and also an accomplishment to have excellent makeup#this is specifically about my roommate who will constantly say things like#'and I completely forgot that I had to pick up a shift at the bar and I had to SCRAMBLE to get my makeup done'#or my mom who doesn't feel like going to work is even an option without a light coat of mascara#it just makes me internally go feral#i can get behind loving makeup as an addition#though I never will bother#but there's so much evidence around me of women who see makeup as a necessity and it just makes my skin itch like#like the world does not deserve that from us. truly.#if men don't have to we don't have to and it genuinely just eats me up inside when I hear makeup equated to personal hygiene.#like no it's Not Fair that you don't feel right leaving the house without makeup!#I'm sorry that you feel that way#i wouldn't say that to someone's face in real life bc that's condescending#but I do think that in a just world no woman would feel lazy for leaving without makeup
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the endless battle between "being around people is one of the most effective ways to improve mental health/general outlook on life" and "depending entirely on other people for emotionally stability can lead to Consequences"
#grhhhhhgghhh#i think. i'm going through a weird transitory period of my life and that's why i've been feeling this extra heavily lately but.#i dont know. like.#i'm going thru a weird phase w my best friend from college (ie roommate)#my best friend from high school lives in a different state#and my other two best friends from college are. still in college. so we aren't as close obvi#and yeah all of that is a bummer but i feel like i'm overly affected. my emotional stability should Not depend on these people#idk whatever this is a non issue in reality#sorry to overshare on the oversharing website
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well.
I'm 30.
#one minute ago#damn I really REALLY thought I'd have my life more together#I mean to be real I 10000% did not expect to live until 30 good grief#but in my day dreams of 'what I might have been like if I lived to be an adult' this was not it#not still living like an emancipated minor in a 1 1/2 that's not even official it's more of a charity by the people who own the garage#that it's built in#not remembering to eat every day and eating the same 'gotta eat something' random assortment of whatever is in the cabinets#that I've been eating since I was 4#still working 4 jobs and not having my phd yet#literally never gone on one date and still feel too young for a relationship because I don't ever EVER want to be that guy#who doesn't know how to do anything and expects their partner to take care of them#I can barely do laundry and I straight up refuse to do dishes#I buy paper plates and cups#I'm not going to impose that on anyone#I keep thinking when I grow up I can have a relationship but I'm not old enough yet#but buddy I'm a freaking grown up now#30 is no joke#it's official#I just suck.#it's not about age its about being a garbage person#like i would never ever EXPECT my partner to take care of me but in practical terms I would fail at keeping the house clean#and they would pick up the slack becuase they don't want to live in a trash hole and would get mad and/or bitter with me for making them#living alone my bad choices only effect me#when i've lived with roommates in the past this has always been a key point of breakdown#even when I've tried to be extra dilligent I would forget a glass somewhere becuase I planned to reuse it and my roomate would wash it#and be mad that I felt entitled and expected them to clean up after me when I absolutly did NOT in fact I was horrified#that they needed to clean something up after me- I just simply lost track of it. and that was 10000% unfun for everyone involved#I was ashamed 100% of the time and they felt used 100% of the time and no one had a good time
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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me when start having dp related thoughts again
#what prompted this was my mutual dming on discord#then me yapping to them in dms got me on roll all of sudden when i hadn't really been thinking abt dp that much lately compared me currentl#most of it's valerie centric w a lil bit of gray ghost on the side bc of what that my mutual had mentioned to me#so guess the rundown on those thoughts are#valerie having to eventually nearing the end of highschool take a break from ghost hunting along w taking a gap year before starting colleg#bc she has alot of uncertainty regarding her future and now that graduation is on the horizon#her feelings surrounded that are starting to hit her p hard and would throw herself even more into ghost hunting#as means to distract herself from said feelings bc it feels like one thing in her life rn she's actually feels sure abt#but simultaneously feels like she doesn't really know what she wants or is outside of that#imagine atp by now she's friends w the trio and she's seen the way they all talk abt college and what they want to do#she feels like compared to them they're more certain abt what they wanna do and would feel insecure abt that#when it comes to both college and ghost hunting i can see the parallels#of her avoiding wanting to sit down and have those hard/honest conversations w her dad and danny abt either of those things#bc on some level she feels she'd be letting both of them down if she did open abt her feelings regarding either#when in reality both of them would ultimately understand where she's coming from and validated her feelings#esp when it comes to danny and ghost hunting alongside him#bc i feel i'm in the minority who doesn’t believe in the trio going to same college together and being roommates#rather tucker and sam both plan to go out of state actually#so danny has been saying how he's gonna miss having the other two around but atleast he's still gonna have val when they're gone#meanwhile valerie's like yeah right 😅
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no offense to the stoners but i have been high every single night since wednesday bc i've been trying to 1. do research on which types of weed affect me more/less and 2. actually force myself to enjoy it the way most people seem to enjoy it and 3. 4/20 and i don't think i like it and it's pissing me off... i'm the type of person who enjoys everything!!!!! why can't i enjoy weed when everyone else loves it :( whatever... gonna pop another edible tonight and try and force myself to like it even though i hate it. this is because i say yes to everythinga
#i feel like only weed vapes/pens make me high in a tolerable way... that just makes me chill out and feel like everything is funny#smoking a joint makes it very intense and i feel as if i'm in a movie and i'm nothing but a camera observing#edibles feel like. stretched out? and since i'm more often doing edibles alone vs smoking which is social i'm probably gonna get panicked#and if my roommate is there i'm going to feel like my life is a performance and i have to perform#but if i'm completely alone i start feeling like i'm in a movie and i'm not real and also that if i go to sleep i'm going to die
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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?
#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love#and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me#she is. the most important person in my life#and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her#like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this#if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh#what more could i ever ask for#but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right#even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be#in just over a year#when she's making enough money for it#she plans on moving into a place of her own#which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing#i thought we were going to move into a house together#i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke#but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t#give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs#its what sufjan would have wanted#fucked up terrible no good week
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I know my boss and managers probably wanted to do something nice for me when they gave me Christmas eve and the day after Christmas morning off BUT DAMN now I have to tell my parents I have those days off and go to a restaurant with them and get my brain destroyed in public for 5 hours. not looking forward to that. anyway.
#idk why my parents are suddenly so adamant about going out to restaurants for special occasions just the 3 of us#if they're trying to fix our relationship that way? tough luck. never gonna happen.#i know i regularly gaslight myself into thinking I'm the sole problem and my parents were saints. but still#spending time with them for longer than 5 minutes gives me brain damage and them trying to hug/touch me makes me wanna die#because of what they did to me when i was a child/teen. anyway.#like they don't deserve access to my life. i don't feel safe telling them more than the bare necessities#that come with having to live together under the same roof#roommate type stuff. they're only my parents on paper. haven't trusted them with anything personal in 20 years#ugh... anyway. there are important household chores to be done. no way around it. no more wallowing
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These are the days in your life
When the price of time is free
Like your daddy said the world is yours
So let it flow naturally
#You know the perk of dead dad is that it overshadows the evil ex bff thing and I hardly worry about it anymore#Sure I could succumb to the Grief of a codependent homoerotic teenage friendship#Or I could just go 'wait a minute... my dad is dead' and cry about that instead#Paradoxically im feeling so much joy recently#Life goes on#I meet new friends who give me hugs and don't treat me like crap#And I go thrifting with people and laugh and I don't think of her until I'm already home#Everyone say 'I hope she doesn't come home for Christmas because I fear i will pass away if I have to interact with her ever again'#Like sup queen. Do you feel bad?#Cause i... feel great#Living and loving and not manipulating my roommate (poor roommate) (I hope she's straight for her own sake)#(But if she's anything like me she will fall head over heels regardless)#(Probably she is nothing like me)#(Kinda feel like I should have backed out during the whole 'condoning cheating on your bf' thing)#(I was actually very stupid (read: loving trusting and traumatized) and should have backed out many times but here we are)#Did you know she didn't say anything when my dad died???? Cmon like we aren't friends at all but a dead parent is a huge deal you couldn't#Even pass along well wishes through your stupid (read: very kind and thoughtful) boyfriend???????#Well well well i say I'm over it and here we are#Anywho. On i go#from the couch#for my archives :]#Spotify
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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good news: we have water again ! ! ! a pipe had burst somewhere up the street so the city came out and fixed it today (we still need to run the tap to get rid of the air and muddy water but. it's something.)
bad news: i had to go to my partner's to do laundry and shower so i missed out on work time today (bad) (anxiety inducing) (i don't need this right now)
worst news: i have a killer headache and my throat is suspiciously stiff 👁 👁
#please please please for the love of god ; ; ;#i am begging and pleading do Not let this be a repeat of last semester ; ; ; ;#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ;#i am. suddenly stuck by The Unwelcome Guest last week cryptically asking me when you're supposed to test for covid#and then saying 'hmm. okay. good to know.' and then refusing to elaborate#i swear. to god if she got me sick i'm#i. can't even say. i'm suddenly struck by such helpless grief thinking about how little i can do to keep her from being in my life ; ; ; ;#we literally Evicted her she all but threatened my older sibling into letting her visit weekly to take care of her potted plants#and then in october last year she was like 'my roommate has covid and i don't have money for a hotel i have nowhere to go :'('#so the agreement was she could stay for One Week#and basically she has been. on and off our couch since then.#like. only going back to her apartment for 1 to 3 days at a time before spending another two weeks in our house.#with new excuses every time.#and literally Every Time I Say No And Put My Foot Down older sibling begs on her behalf because she's busy hounding and guilt-tripping them#so like. what can i even do if it turns out she infected me with covid because she didn't care to disclose that she was feeling sick#(and decided to come over anyway)#i'm just. overwhelmed ; ; ;#i feel like crying ; ; ;#i'm already busy pre-mourning the loss of my mental health and down time with my internship starting back next week#i don't need to worry about whether or not i'm going to be bed ridden for 2 weeks#and suffer Even More lasting lung and brain and blood and fatigue issues on top of that ; ; ; ;#a a a a a i just. feel like crying a lot ; ; ; ;#i'm already behind ; ; ;#i should ; ; ; try to work more tonight before the inevitability of it all hits me tomorrow ; ; ; ; ;
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at this point i don't even know if i'll even be alive at the end of this year.
#vent#i'm stuck at my mom's place and i fucking hate it here. i hate being misgendered every day and being treated like a burden#i hate that i'm in the goddamn woods while all my friends are in another town#i hate that every time i try and get assistance i get tossed from phone number to phone number in one big fucked up circle#and i ESPECIALLY hate my old roommates for fucking off to the cities and leaving me behind with nowhere to go FUCK#it feels like life is only going to get worse for me from here on out and its like. whats even the point anymore dude.#not to mention the stress i already feel from this stupid fucking country's antics and being unemployed#can someone just put me out of my fucking misery already jesus fucking christ
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transphobes attacking me on insta for taking HRT after i literally explain that T saved my life by stopping my near-constant menstrual linked-hormonal seizures that i've been having since i was abt 16ish.... they don't actually care if it literally is keeping you alive in a medical sense they want you dead because you don't hate that you're not cis regardless
#pre-T i was never sure if i wanted HRT but after starting T it literally fucking saved my life and i can't imagine going back#full on. my roommates used to have to sit with me for hours in case i choked and died while going in and out of sei#seizures#it was terrifying for me AND them. i would have no thought going through my head besides 'please dont let me die like this'#HRT literally saved my life. it has been the ONLY thing to stop such aggressive and regularly seizures#and while im still disabled im at least not worried ALL THE TIME i'll die suddenly from this struggle#cis people would literally rather me DEAD than being ok with facial hair growth in exchange for no seizures#im a little drinkie i apologize for ranting. im just genuinely so upset objectively#someone said im ABUSING hormones.....#i had an episode in late 2021 that i was in and out of a seizing state for 2 hours. TWO HOURS.#the longest episode i've had since starting T over a year ago was maybe 20 seconds#i feel sick at the idea that people want me to suffer so significantly because they don't like that i'm enjoying the gender euphoria too#fuck. anyway.#rant#ig.....#alcohol tw
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earlier tonight my roommates were talking about the halloween party they're planning in a couple weeks (i will be out of town) and since the convo went towards "party supplies needing to be purchased" one of my roommates mentioned that she had the present she's planning on getting me for my birthday in her digital shopping cart already and then made a little mischievous face at me. and like it's sweet i suppose but my idea of "celebrating" my birthday is basically acting like it doesn't exist cause i'm kind of...uncomfortable with receiving Direct Praise And Attention especially for things i don't think are worth it (for example, Existing Another Year). at any rate my idea of the perfect gift this year would be Not being stuck in rehearsal until 10pm that night but that will certainly not be the case so whatever
#other roommate also kept asking me for the date and i almost weaseled my way out of giving it to her but alas. persistent she was#the most 'celebrating' i ever do (if i do Anything actually For the occasion) is just. a nice dinner out somewhere with my mom#and if there's a good show playing nearby we'll go to see it#but that's no more special than any other occasion really. we'll just do that if the schedule permits anyway once or twice a year#(also my parents usually insist on like. getting me a new skirt or something but much as i love them my wardrobe is full enough as it is#at this point haha. i'm more comfortable anyway receiving gifts for holidays like hanukkah or Just Because than for my bday specifically#cause then it doesn't feel like it's just About Me. y'know. anyway)#'so does this mean your birthday is coming up soon 👀?' no and shut up i've never aged a day in my life. i was never born. etc#i wanna talk about me
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