#and it's like. almost relieving sometimes bc then i can stop worrying that they're going to end up dead | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

clockworksheep2 · 28 days ago

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ultimate dream would be to be able to live in a house where i could have friends stay w me to help them get out of shitty situations and up onto their feet. like if i can get out of here alive and stay alive somehow then i want to help other ppl do that too fhdkdl

#the more progress i make the scarier it is honestly #bc i want everyone i care about to be at least at the same stage I'm at too (if not further along)#and i feel scared and sad to like. move towards being okay when i know so many of my friends are not anywhere near okay #but also I've been watching many other friends (i use friends loosely fhdksl. acquaintances and friends ig) move onto better situations-#-while i stayed stuck in the mud spinning out. and i would never want them to stay in their shit situations for my sake #i want to see them get out and make a life for themselves. i want to see them live and thrive #and its reassuring seeing ppl make it out even when i felt very jealous or frustrated abt my own situation #and it's like. almost relieving sometimes bc then i can stop worrying that they're going to end up dead #or at least the worry lessens significantly #(idk if the worry will ever rly go away. life is unkind and difficult even when u leave a shit situation!)#but anyways idk fjdkdl I'm kind of frightened at the prospect of having a chance in the world #I've been in the ''depths of despair'' (as Anne Shirley would say) for years and years #idk if i ever rly truly saw me having a future. even as a kid i just Never wanted to grow up. i was terrified of it.#i couldn't see myself ever being happy as an adult bc adulthood looked impossible and miserable to me #and it still kind of looks that way but im trying to adjust my expectations and visions to smth that'll work For Me #a lot more avenues to happiness have opened up since then. like. just knowing abt different identities even fhdkdl #i mean heck even just realizing ppl can be trans has been huge for me and my comfort and happiness #even if society seems to be moving backwards at least i can exist as Me in my own home #idk fhdkdl lots of thoughts rn #🐑🌻

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