#and it's my weird over explainy and apologetic response to it that makes me contemptible and off-putting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

epicqtefail · 5 months ago

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since lowering the dose of and the frequency i take my meds i've developed a bad habit of ascribing any subtle change in my behaviour as being a result of this (mostly just out of paranoia because i'm worried about acting differently in a way i'm not aware or in control of).

but i just had a moment where i was looking at my most recent drawings and noticed it's like 90% connor butt jokes and thought, with genuine concern: oh no. med withdrawal is making me draw too much connor ass!!!

it certainly isn't. half of the shit i'm drawing are ideas i thought of years ago and took a shamefully long time to actually draw anyway. I just only gain self-awareness once those ideas can be perceived by others.

but damn. i can't believe i've been taking pills that stop you drawing connor ass for years! it's a sickness, and baby, i haven't put in my repeat prescription request.

#his ass is both funny and frightening ok???? im creatively driven by things that make me laugh and things that scare me #it's not lost on me how stupid and funny it is that drawing too much connor ass is something i have become self conscious about #as if drawing ass isn't something i strongly commend #but the audacity to feel self-conscious when actively choosing to draw the type of shit i draw #im an extremely anxious person with not enough self control to stop myself from drawing whatever my brain sharts out #and it's my weird over explainy and apologetic response to it that makes me contemptible and off-putting #also kind of unrelated but a little bit related. Iast night i dreamt that i was prescribed methylphenidate #but it was in the form of a huge raw jelly cube that took like an hour to eat

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