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tabloidtoc · 5 years ago

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National Enquirer, May 25

Cover: China Lied About Where COVID-19 Started

Page 2: Duane “Dog” Chapman got engaged so a new ladylove Francie Frane just ten months after the cancer death of his beloved wife Beth but pals fear they are rushing their romance and want him to get a prenup

Page 3: Spooked Jennifer Aniston is worried sick about Matthew Perry especially now that it’s over with galpal Molly Hurwitz who kept him on the straight and narrow

Page 4: Scott Disick bolted from rehab after a week when photos of him there went public and pals are worried he could be back on the booze but his lawyer said Scott wanted help for past traumas and that the rehab visit had nothing to do with cocaine or alcohol

Page 5: Secret police files in the Natalee Holloway investigation have surfaced on the 15th anniversary of her disappearance in Aruba and suggest how Joran van der Sloot and two pals cheated justice with the help of corrupt lawmen on the Caribbean island

Page 6: Frantic Meghan Markle using magic to regain mojo -- New Age Meghan is warding off negative vibes with “evil eye” pendants but the duchess’ war against bad vibes hasn’t been working and may have even had to opposite effect as her lawsuit involving her father Thomas Markle isn’t going her way and her highly anticipated Disney debut in Elephant was panned by critics and husband Prince Harry is openly homesick

Page 7: Celebrity Cov-Idiot of the Week -- Madonna decided she would make light of the vicious coronavirus after finding she may be immune

Page 8: New dad Anderson Cooper is raising his newborn son with ex-boyfriend Ben Maisani and there may be wedding bells in their future

Page 9: NBC News has been thrown into turmoil as allegations of sexual misconduct and potential cover-ups by network bigwigs are reportedly under investigation in a probe conducted by the New York Attorney General -- Matt Lauer, Tom Brokaw, Andrew Lack and Chris Matthews were among multiple high-profile names whose behavior was under scrutiny

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Sarah Silverman, Robert Downey Jr. getting into his purple pickup truck to meet up with a friend for a socially distant bike ride, Princess Charlotte, Ashley Greene and husband Paul Khoury in their Vanderhall Venice sports car

Page 11: Grieving widow Vanessa Bryant made a heartbreaking discovery the day before her 38th birthday -- a final love letter from her late husband Kobe Bryant, Margot Robbie and Scarlett Johansson are duking it out for the role of Tinker Bell in the upcoming Peter Pan movie -- Scarlett has been relentlessly trash-talking Margot and vice versa as they’ve fought over a few other roles over the years and this is pushing their dislike of each other to a whole new level

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Pierce Brosnan in the shade in Hawaii, by the end of filming Will & Grace the feud between Debra Messing and Megan Mullally was a war and the two women will never speak to each other again, Anna Wintour was slammed by former right-hand man Andre Leon Talley and now other associates are adding their two cents, outspoken Elisabeth Hasselbeck is considering a return to The View if she can get past Meghan McCain who loves being the daytime show’s solo conservative voice

Page 13: Reese Witherspoon revealed that she and co-star Laura Dern are dying for an eventual third season of Big Little Lies and that Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube are tops on their wish list of actors they would love to join the scheming Monterey Five, Kevin Spacey is whining that the past three years of his life have been a living hell, stick-skinny Renee Zellweger is putting her life on the line with an extreme 500-calorie-a-day diet and she’s deluded herself into thinking she’s in the best shape of her life but friends are begging her to eat more and exercise less

Page 14: True Crime

Page 15: Roy Horn is on the road to a miraculous recovery after cheating death twice (OOPS!)

Page 16: Real Life

Page 18: Hollywood Head Cases -- balding stars’ best and worst cover-ups -- Jamie Foxx, Ben Affleck, John Travolta, Jude Law

Page 19: Guy Ritchie, Elon Musk, Kevin Costner, Matthew McConaughey

Page 20: Health Watch

Page 24: Ford Dynasty Heirs at War over $350M -- ailing brain-addled heiress Kathleen DuRoss Ford is caught in the middle of a no-holds-barred legal battle over auto tycoon Henry Ford II’s $350 million family trust

Page 27: Denise Richards is mired in a pandemic meltdown believing that she and holistic healer husband Aaron Phypers have been marked for death by U.S. government agents following her and Aaron because of his alternative medical practices, Carmen Electra is plotting to bust a business move by reclaiming her pinup past and launching her own porn site -- she’s back in the spotlight after baring all about her raunchy relationship and nine-day marriage to Chicago Bulls superstar Dennis Rodman in the hoops docuseries Last Dance

Page 28: Jacqueline Kennedy and second husband Aristotle Onassis got injections of methamphetamine to boost their lovemaking according to a blockbuster new book but it was her first husband President John F. Kennedy who introduced her to the highly addictive drug

Page 29: How to cut your hair

Page 30: Cover Story -- China’s Deadly Web of COVID Lies -- Beijing hid where outbreak began, how virus spread and refused key help for vaccine

Page 32: Tom Brady is ready to tackle the next phase of his career with a new team -- the Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- and tackle his marriage by having a new baby and being in Florida has been like a second honeymoon with wife Gisele Bundchen with the power couple working overtime to add a tiny new player to their home team, Hollywood Hookups -- Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott back together, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross expecting, Dwight Yoakum and Emily Joyce wed

Page 36: Bar Rescue star Jon Taffer has called upon lawyers to rescue him on more than one occasion -- Taffer faced assault and discrimination suits and though he settled his cases out of court they could damage his career

Page 38: Jeremy Renner is hitting the pause button on his acting career and his party-animal ways in a desperate attempt to reconnect with his seven-year-old daughter Ava -- Renner is fighting a custody battle with ex-wife Sonni Pacheco and his life’s been hell from all the fighting between him and Sonni and he wants to show Sonni and the courts where his priorities are and he wants to prove he can be a superdad, the hits keep coming in the ugly $2 million lawsuit over Tiffany Haddish’s best-selling book in which she claims her ex-husband William Stewart was an abusive stalker -- according to new court documents filed in the case Stewart alleged Haddish defamed him and damaged his good reputation to boost up the sale of her 2017 memoir but Haddish’s lawyer claims she’s got the #MeToo movement on her side

Page 42: Red Carpet Stars & Stumbles -- Laura Dern’s winning looks

Page 47: Odd List

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netflixandgrill-blog · 5 years ago

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How to Get Through a Quarantine in 10 Movies

(The Netflix and Grill Guide to Movies You Will Love to Hate)

1. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are both charming and pleasing to look at, but even they can’t out-act this God-awful script. We felt our minds wandering through all the exposition, so much so that the movie should be called How to Lose a Viewer in 10 Minutes (nailed it.) Kate Hudson’s gold dress was, and always will be, the star of this movie.

2. The Notebook

We both (separately) bought tickets for this movie in the theater when it was released in 2004, when the average movie ticket price was only about six bucks, and we both had the same thought upon leaving: “I definitely overpaid.” We watched it again on Netflix and, after figuring out our per-movie cost from our monthly subscription, found that this viewing cost us about 34 cents. We still think we overpaid. Someone needs to tell Allie she’s in an abusive relationship with Noah. Someone needs to tell Noah that no means no--an easy way to remember that is that it’s the first syllable of his name. We thought it was an interesting choice that Allie’s later dementia was foreshadowed by her younger self forgetting what accent she was supposed to have in any given scene. Allie the Sometimes Southern Belle is a flighty bird, Never-Say-Die Noah is a toxic male bird, and we wish we could fly back in time 2 hours.

3. Eat Pray Love

What could be less interesting than a well-off white woman traveling across the world to escape her first-world problems, the worst of which seems to be that her husband loved her too much and her subsequent much younger boyfriend loved her even more? Answer: nothing. Why this movie became such a phenomenon escapes us the same way Julia Roberts’ character escapes accountability for any of her shitty behavior.

4. Crazy, Stupid, Love

Ryan Gosling is a street-smart Brooklyn-Italian-sounding ladies man who says things like “Just bang the broad, Bah-fahn-gool. Fuhgeddaboutit.” (We paraphrased.) And Steve Carell was like, “Remember when we did 40-Year-Old Virgin? Let’s do the exact same thing again.” Let’s also not forget that boundaries and propriety don’t seem to be a thing in this movie, as the grown-assed babysitter gives nude pictures to a minor and we’re all supposed to be cool with it. A lot of people are crazy, stupid in love with this movie. We think they are crazy and stupid.

5. P.S. I Love You

This movie begins with what feels like a 3-hour exposition scene to set up the fact that Hilary Swank is oh-so-unhappy with the fact that she's already 28 years old and her carefree Irish husband hasn’t given her 5 kids yet. Also, their ultra-beautiful and hip New York apartment isn’t enough--why don’t they have a house already??!! Waaaaahhhhh. Then her husband dies, and Hilary’s already unlikeable character spirals from annoying into the realm of insufferable. The dead husband orchestrates a series of notes to be delivered to Hilary, still trying to please his sullen and ungrateful wife from beyond the grave, proving that he has just as poor taste in women in death as he did in life.

6. Catch and Release

Oh, we caught it, but we didn’t release it soon enough. We suffered through to the end. Why was Kevin Smith in this movie, and why was he trying so hard to be funny? The plot is so unclear and convoluted that we can’t tell you exactly what happened, but the bullet points are: Jennifer Garner’s fiancé dies, leaving behind a million bucks that she didn’t realize he had; she moves into a house with her dead fiancé’s buddies for some reason; her dead fiancé had a secret lover (Juliette Lewis) and possibly fathered a son with her; and, in the end, Jennifer Garner gets with Timothy Olyphant, her dead fiancé’s best friend. Why does all of this make for a compelling movie? It doesn’t. Why was this movie called Catch and Release? Beats the hell out of us. What could possibly account for this movie getting made? Our guess, cocaine.

7. Monster-in-Law

Monster-in-Law...more like a Monster Waste of Time (nailed it x 2). Jennifer Lopez is at war with her fiance’s mother (played by Jane Fonda), who has a death-like grip on her son, Michael Vartan. Jennifer Lopez is just a simple dog walker with the beachside apartment of a tech CEO who fell in love with the world’s biggest mama’s boy and got engaged to him after what seems to be four dates, a fact which Jane Fonda hates. Conflict ensues. And that’s it, just 102 minutes of that. Except for Wanda Sykes, the no-nonsense assistant and only sympathetic character, and you can practically see the sweat beading on her forehead from her straining to try and save this steaming pile. The other movies on this list we either loved or loved to hate. This one we just hated.

8. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Makers of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you did it. You made a movie that not even Emma Stone, Matthew McConaughey, or Charles Goddamn Dickens could save. This movie came out eight years before the #metoo movement, and has aged about as well as Harvey Weinstein’s face. To be clear, it sucked regardless, but now it suffers from the double-whammy of both sucking and trying to evoke empathy for a sexual predator.

9. My Best Friend’s Wedding

In fairness, Heidi actually loves this movie, and Mike thinks it’s not the worst thing ever. Ok, he loves it too, in spite of (and sometimes because of) its many flaws. The movie begins with a music video that has nothing to do with the rest of the story, leading you wonder how it’s going to pay off, and yet it never does. It’s so laughably dumb that we both wish we had thought of it. Julia Roberts’ gay (2nd) best friend, Rupert Everett, flies in not once but twice to save her ass. And at the last minute, too, so you know those flight prices must have been steeeeeep. Which made us realize we need better best friends. Mike’s best friend stole his wallet. On his birthday. Heidi’s best friends are not quite so bad. They just forget her birthday.

10. Dear John

What a snooze fest. Any movie that Channing Tatum is in where he doesn’t dance isn’t worth watching. Any movie that Amanda Seyfried is in that’s not Mean Girls isn’t worth watching. Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum don’t get together, though. She instead marries family friend Henry Thomas, who even as he’s dying of cancer admits that he’s really only a sub-plot in Channing and Amanda’s life--a plot device more alien to us than the one in Henry Thomas’ most well-known role (Elliot in ET), in which he encounters an actual alien.

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.