#and like dean... he doesn't like being lied TO... but like cas... jack has no qualms lying to ppl in order to protect them

[shallowseeker]

I regret to inform you that I think the romance domain of Jack's personality seems more in line with Cas, with a dash of Sam and Mary.

I got the ask, I'm just... taking a while to answer it because I got carried away.

[wellofdean]

So...thinking about Dean and Jack...

Jack is not a child. He is NEW, but he is a cosmic being of unknowable power who was cognizant enough in the womb to save Kelly because he was still using her body as an incubator, and to show Cas a manipulative, glorious vision of his future actions specifically as they relate to Cas's desires. When he is born, he speaks English and understands peril, has the physical strength and angelic power to defend himself. He doesn't understand the world, but he is a VERY fast learner. There are a lot of ways in which children are vulnerable and need protection that simply do not apply to Jack at all. He is not a baby, physically or mentally.

Where Jack is vulnerable is in his sense of self and his identity. He is emotionally and spiritually vulnerable, and he is vulnerable to manipulation. From the first time Sam talks to him, he is asking Jack if he can re-open the rift, and Sam DOES want to use him. I don't blame Sam for that, it's a perfectly logical thing to want. Sam believes Mary might still be alive, and he wants to use Jack to go see, and hell, maybe as a weapon, too. Sam needs to believe that Jack can be good and useful to them, and he is not really honest with Jack at first. Dean is right about that.

Dean, though? Dean is completely, 100% honest with Jack in every interaction, no matter how ugly the truth. He tells Jack exactly what he thinks and feels. He has a very reasonable reaction to Jack as a still-unknown cosmic power, and Dean quite reasonably sees him as the reason Cas is dead. Dean is emotional and grieving, but he is honest. Later, as he comes to see Jack as something other than a threat, he is kind to Jack while still being honest. When he comes to love Jack, he loves him honestly. He never lies or manipulates Jack even one time until they lure him into the mal'ak box, and when they talk him into it, Dean can barely look at Jack and makes Sam do the talking, because he really just can't. Lie. To. Jack.

Jack emulates, loves and respects Dean. When Jack thinks Dean has to kill him, he understands and accepts it because he trusts Dean. I think Jack looks to Dean for an honest, clear-eyed assessment of his situation. Cas is blinded by love, Sam is more interested in utility, and Dean is being forced to sacrifice Jack, who has become his and Cas's son -- his family. If Dean can do it, Jack is willing to submit, and then DEAN CAN'T DO IT.

it makes no sense to me to apply real-world child/parent roles to them, to compare Dean with John, who was raising human children, or to think of Jack as an actual human child, and I don't blame Dean for any of it. Dean is so emotionally compromised in so many different ways and I think there is a widespread tendency to begrudge Dean his legitimate feelings when they aren't comfortable, and to apply reality-based roles to these characters who are not at all living normal lives. When it comes down to it, Dean STILL loves Jack (and Cas!) too much to kill Jack or to lie to him, even after Jack oopsie-daisy kills Mary in a moment of uncontrolled panic and has no soul and can't tell right from wrong, and can't even feel remorse. Jack is legitimately dangerous, and Dean is not wrong to try to contain that.

And, by the end of the story, when Dean is saying Jack is not family, not like Cas and Sam are, Dean has lost his compass, and we know that because he also deceives Amara, and tries to kill Sam. Dean is truly in error in those scenes, and doing the wrong things, and seriously, Dean is so good, so self-sacrificing, so full of love that I am able to forgive him a moment of error at the climax of his existential crisis. By that time, Jack is a complex character who is as heavy with grief and guilt as Dean is, and who feels the weight of the world, like Dean does, and who understands Dean.

Is Dean perfect? No. Is Jack a child? No.

I'm just going to say it: I think Dean was a good father to Jack, because what Jack needed more than anything else was honest information about who he was, what threat he posed, who loved him, and HOW to love, so that he could decide who he was and what he wants to be.

He got that from Dean.

[scoobydoodean]

omg i never considered jack attaching himself to dean because he was trying to grieve his mom and cas just like dean was.

I think it might be one of the things going on in 13.01-13.04, though it's not just that. It's also that Dean is honest, while Sam hides ulterior motives for why he was being nice. Jack's dislike of lies is a throughline all the way to "Moriah" where he makes it impossible for people to lie to each other. And I'd wager Dean specifically lying to Jack about the mal'ak box wounds Soulless Jack the most, because the truth is something he depends on Dean to give him the most, in situations where Cas or Sam might handle him with kid gloves he doesn't want. I also think Jack and Dean just have innately a similar sense of right and wrong and both care in a way that makes Jack gravitate toward Dean.

But yeah. Dean serves as a model for feeling your feelings, whereas we don't see Sam's numb exterior crack until 13.04 when he shouts at Dean over Mary. Not only that—Jack specifically overhears Sam minimize the significance of Cas's death in 13.03, which Dean fiercely rebuffs. Jack makes it very clear in 13.01 that he considers Cas to be his father, and Sam has become so emotionally detached that he convinces himself Cas death doesn't even matter. Dean fucking cares about Jack's dad, and trying to grow close to Dean is also probably a way Jack thinks he can feel closer to Cas! Dean's emotional outburst at Sam's dismissive language in 13.03—among other things—makes it clear that it's okay to miss Cas, and in that very moment, Jack calls out for his father and wakes him up.

[farenmaddox]

What does it actually mean that Jack killed Felix the snake?

a.k.a. Jack didn't kill Mary, pt. 2

I wanted to make a separate post from my other post about how I think Jack didn't kill Mary to talk more about the snake. In that post, I brought up Felix only briefly, as an explanation for Jack's state of being at the time: "soulless, trying to do the right thing in spite of that, very in-control of himself and his powers." But I have like a million thoughts on the snake, so.

In-universe, Jack was doing what he thought was right. His three dads, whom he looks to for cues on right vs. wrong, were implicitly if not explicitly telling him the snake's life didn't matter. They gave zero shits about that snake. "hmmmm try feeding him this variety of foods that are comically inappropriate and keep him in this tiny box, IDC man." Like, at any time, Google and veterinarians were options, but none of them could be arsed to tell Jack about those options. Like, yes, Jack is a grown man, but also he's only been on the planet for two years and he doesn't know everything!!!

So clearly (to Jack, based on the messages he is getting), the snake's life/health have no real value, and since the suffering is caused by how bad Felix misses his original owner, the best option is to send him where he won't suffer anymore. Like... I get it. This is not how I (a person with life experience and pet ownership experience as well as possession of a soul) would handle the situation. But for Jack, I get it!!!

When it gets absolutely maddening is when you think about the snake symbolically, and what Felix might possibly represent:

Satan in the Garden, his father Lucifer, temptation toward selfishness and lies and away from Paradise and truth

the poisonous death caused by being in the closet/ashamed of one's own queer desire (14x14 is one hell of an episode and boy do I need to make a separate post about Jack's relationship to Cas and Jack saving Cas from being poisoned to death by his repression of his queer desire and Cas dying because he stopped repressing it while Chuck is still running the show, then [we're told, we don't see it, I'm so suspicious] Jack saving him again once Jack is God. ANYWAYYYYYY.)

the snake eating a chicken egg fable a.k.a. the entire narrative concept that Jack is either the snake who cannot help its nature or the bait they must use to rid themselves of their enemy

So you have the snake standing in for at least one but likely all three things. And then you have to just be like, "Actually it's incredible that he killed the snake. He has rejected his birthright, he has rejected repression of self, and he has basically said that he is the secret third thing that is neither the snake nor the egg." It seems like we should actually celebrate this?

But we can only see the symbolism because we are outside of the story. Sam, Dean, and Cas are in the story, and what they see is a kid with no soul has just killed his pet, which as a storytelling device means he is going to escalate to worse things, and his three dads (who can't be arsed to find a vet) are right to be worried and take that a certain way.

But then you look at Jack's "escalation" and it's... accidentally hurting a girl who didn't trust his control over his powers, even though he had excellent control, actually, and then immediately healing her and being very upset that she's hurt. Hmmmm. We're then supposed to believe he randomly loses all control and kills someone he loves, for absolutely no reason, because in storytelling that's what happens after a character reveals they are soulless enough to kill a pet. And guess who the storyteller is??? (You don't have to guess. It's Chuck.) Chuck knows how the story goes, and he knows that a human death is what comes next in convincing them to see Jack as a threat, and he knows exactly who should die to ensure Dean does his job in the narrative (it sure isn't Nick! Whom Jack did kill and whom Dean would literally buy Jack a beer for killing in any other circumstances! Symbolically killing Lucifer as he was unable to do before!). It is wildly inconsistent with Jack's motivations and actions for him to fly off the handle and kill Mary, but that's the story Chuck needs to see, so he makes it happen.

So for the characters, who are stuck in Chuck's story, Jack is escalating his capacity for violence and killing loved ones. We, who are outside, can see the symbolic meaning and see that actually Jack is outside with us, rejecting the entire narrative. He literally killed Chuck's narrative! (But he didn't kill Mary.)

[autisticandroids]

someone sent me an ask about soulless sam and in order to successfully answer it i actually have to give my opinions on soulless jack. basically this post is about what being soulless "means" in different episodes and whether it actually matters that jack is soulless.

i'm only going to talk about s14 because i don't have a lot of respect for s15 and also it doesn't super matter that jack is soulless in s15.

so the episodes in which jack is soulless are peace of mind, don't go in the woods, game night, absence, jack in the box, and moriah.

jack's actions in those episodes are

going to see donatello about soullessness, killing the snake to put it out of its misery

playing with the girls from lebanon, trying to show off to win their approval, eventually causing them to get scared but not listening when they tell him to stop, losing control and accidentally injuring one of them, and then healing her

torturing nick to death to keep him from resurrecting lucifer while mary begs him not to, then accidentally killing mary

running away because he's freaking out, trying to resurrect mary, kidnapping and threatening rowena in the process of trying to resurrect mary

trying to be good by doing what the angels tell him without understanding that what they're telling him to do is bad, failing to show sufficient contrition for killing mary, trying to be good by doing what salmondean tell him without understanding that they mean him harm (partly because he's unable to empathize with them well enough to understand that they're angry), busting out of the box because he realizes they lied to him and mean him harm

telling everyone to stop lying, going to see his grandparents in the hope that someone out there still doesn't see him as a monster, telling cas that he can't love him back [because he's soulless], and trying to allow dean to kill him

that's not like every action he took in those episodes but i think it's all the relevant ones and i'm not rewatching that shit again. well, i probably will. but not right now.

the rest under a cut because holy shit 3k words.

so in peace of mind, it definitely matters that jack is soulless, but what that means is kind of an open question. that's the point of the episode. donatello gives this whole speech about being soulless where soullessness is primarily framed as tragic for the soulless, which makes sense, because donatello became soulless in season eleven. in season eleven, soulless characters play a dual role as both victim and problem, and so get to have way more complexity than soulless sam or soulless jack, both of whom exist narratively only as problems. watch 11x05 "thin lizzie" for my favorite example of eleven's distinct handling of soullessness. len the lizzie borden nerd losing his soul and therefore both losing his capacity for fear and his capacity for joy, which is what allows him to be heroic (because he's not afraid and also has nothing to lose), is like a perfect way to take soullessness and turn it both tragic and positive. actually sometimes when i think about spn soullessness i actually think about this hyperbole and a half comic. mostly because thin lizzie and to a lesser extent peace of mind are both playing in kind of a similar space.

so we have this tragic framing of soullessness as primarily about a kind of emptiness. but then also there's this other thing more relevant to the rest of the arc. which is donatello's framing of soullessness as "without moral guidance." this is obviously kind of silly and very spn, but it's also kind of... inherently giving the lie to the premise, isn't it. donatello asking himself "what would mr. rogers do" is in fact a kind of morality. he is able to successfully simulate moral behavior in his mind, which means... he has a sense of morality. just like anyone else's. but it does set up the way in which jack's soullessness causes problems for him later on (not just a lack of an inherent sense of morality, but also because he (maybe?) lacks an internal moral compass, where he gets his guidance becomes very important).

this is also a thing that comes up in 6x09 when dean offers to be soulless sam's jiminy cricket. more on that coming in another post.

also this introduces the concept of "what would the winchesters do" as jack's guiding light. which like. lol. that COULD be thematic. if you wanted it to be.

and then jack kills the snake which is like. totally a thing that's a result of him having a mistaken belief about what's best because he lacks an internal sense of it. which makes sense as an answer to the questions of the episode and the themes of the arc. so him being soulless matters in this one.

so being soulless matters in peace of mind and what it means here is that jack doesn't have enough moral compass to figure out what the Right Thing To Do Is, despite wanting to, so he needs to find an external moral compass to follow. it also means he feels empty and lacks emotion, which is mostly a problem for him.

then there's don't go in the woods. and this one is supposed to be about how him being soulless is Scary. there are several moments in it where we're meant to be scared on the girls' behalf, because Something Is Off With Jack.

but the thing is... jack behaves normally in dgitw. he tries to fit in with and impress some kids who are narratively framed as his own age-peers, normal kids who he would have grown up playing with if he'd lived a normal life. jack trying to fit in with and impress people is normal, he does it all the time. the fact that he does it via tools of violence (throwing knives) is offputting, but that's a result of him being raised in a bunker full of serial killers, not of him being soulless. that's what he knows. jack also loses control of his powers and injures one of the girls. which is in fact totally par for the course with jack. he doesn't have very good control of his powers, and he's very powerful. see tombstone for details. he then panics and tries to fix it. which he succeeds in doing, although the girls don't forgive him.

the only moment in dgitw where him being soulless actually seems to impact his behavior is that there's like a quick moment, just before jack loses control, where the girls from lebanon become nervous and ask him to stop messing around, and jack doesn't pay attention to them. potentially if he had, maybe he wouldn't have lost control. but even this is overstating things - the boy who is their friend remains impressed with jack and encourages him to continue to mess around. jack not immediately stopping because the girls are scared is not exactly outside the range of normal behavior, though it kind of is for jack because he is normally mr. sweetheart goodboy.

so if being soulless matter at all in dgitw, it means that jack can't quickly read, react to, and acquiesce to to emotions of others. he can't, when things are split second, notice and care about the girls' fear, and then react in the most deferent possible manner.

it's also notable that what scares the girls is jack's otherness, his powers, and not his emotional affect. which kind of matters for how all this is framed, and is again, more continuous than discontinuous with things that happen to and around jack when he is ensouled.

alright. now we've come to the big one. game night. man it doesn't matter that jack is soulless in game night at all.

jack tortures nick to death because torturing enemies to death is normal. he JUST did it to michael and everyone clapped and cheered. sam and dean torture people all the time. they love torturing people. they love killing people. they love combining the two things. the only problem here is that it's jack who is doing it. also maybe that nick is human, which means killing him is more bad for some reason.

additionally, jack has tortured a person before, the gas station kid in let the good times roll. (yes what he did was technically torture). (man not really related but you guys should watch that one jacob geller video). torturing is clearly normal and acceptable to jack. i would say this is because he was raised by serial killers who torture people all the time.

also, people freak out when jack tortures that kid too, because the idea that jack isn't capable of correct moral judgement doesn't actually start with him being soulless. jack is frequently framed as the Creepy Threatening Weirdkid Who Can't Be Trusted To Distinguish Right From Wrong throughout season thirteen, except then it's because he's not human. the idea that a soul prevents him from being like that is kind of silly given how often he's framed like that while ensouled.

killing mary is also easily something that could've happened while jack was ensouled. i direct your attention once again to tombstone. jack simply does not have very good control of his powers. he did what teenagers do: he had a moment of "i wish you were dead" type anger toward a parental figure because he was frustrated, but unfortunately, due to his godlike powers, his wish was granted. this has nothing to do with him being soulless (and in fact is kind of. antithetical to soullessness as a concept. since that should mean he shouldn't be able to get that angry).

(man. doesn't really add a lot to my analysis but the two people jack tortures and kills while not soulless are people of color. like come on. this show is so racist.)

the only moment where it MAYBE matters that jack is soulless is that mary freaks out while he's killing nick and begs him to stop and he doesn't listen, just like in dgitw. also like in dgitw, this isn't necessarily like, crazy behavior. salmondean torture people all the time. it's not insane to think that he's just asking himself "what would the winchesters do."

then in absence, jack is framed as menacing but like..... all he does is panic and try to fix what he did to mary. also it's worth it to talk about how all these episodes but ESPECIALLY absence utilize gender in order to make their case that jack is dangerous. like the fact that it's rowena he goes to and not like, cas, is because the show wants you to see him as threatening, wants you to empathize with A Woman Menaced By A Man (even though rowena is certainly in less danger from jack than, say, sam or dean would be), wants you to see threatening a woman as uniquely morally bad. but what he does in absence is just. run away, panic about the fact that he killed mary, be wracked by guilt, kidnap rowena (which, sure, bad, but the winchesters kidnap people and force them to do things for them all the time. jack has SEEN them do this. they have DONE THIS to rowena. more than once!), and try to fix mary being dead. which like. in tombstone when he killed the security guard, he also panicked, tried to get someone to fix it, then ran away. fully consistent with his ensouled actions. it does not matter at all that jack is soulless in absence. the episode frames him as scary and unsettling but his behavior is not at all different from his usual behavior.

then jack in the box. ohhhhhhh jack in the box. stupid episode. genuinely almost everything about it is bad. the buckleming special. honestly season fourteen would genuinely make more sense if you just took jack in the box out because it comes pretty much out of left field, actively contradicts a bunch of shit and is generally inconsistent with the characterization of every single character except maaaaybe cas, and then doesn't end up mattering very much. i guess i could say that i kind of like the sam stuff, in theory, but even that.... like the execution is not great. man i hate jack in the box. like, bottom ten spn episode, easily.

anyway jack being soulless ABSOLUTELY matters in jack in the box and it like...... matters in a way that impacts all of his characterization. we return to the idea of soullessness that peace of mind proposes - lack of emotion, lack of emotionally-guided moral compass, need for guidance. except that what happens in jack in the box is quite explicitly that jack, because he lacks an intrinsic, emotionally guided moral compass, takes guidance from the wrong source and does bad things. that's explicitly the issue.

and then. and then buckleming argue that jack is insufficiently contrite for killing mary. that he does not understand the harm he's caused. which like, okay, that IS consistent with the characterization of soullessness that they've gone with. but it's not consistent with everything that has happened in this arc. like, absence JUST happened. this is just clearly not... accurate. jack clearly does understand the harm he's caused, he's clearly horrified over killing mary, and in general he's been highly emotional while soulless (desperate for approval in dgitw, angry and stressed in game night, panicked and upset in absence). this characterization of soulless jack would make sense if you skipped straight from peace of mind to jack in the box but i didn't, lol.

jack is also genuinely impaired by this emotional emptiness. he is unable to accurately predict the winchesters' actions because he can't comprehend the depth of their hurt, and therefore he can't predict the depth of their anger. he also can't just tell that they're lying, because he can't directly empathize.

which honestly. is actually pretty interesting and cool. for being soulless to be portrayed as having serious personal drawbacks in this way, rather than just making you an Evil Guy. like soulless sam was a "better hunter" for some reason, even though "difficulty empathizing" would obviously cause you problems in a people-facing activity such as hunting. but jack is actually impaired by it. it's not an impairment in morality. it's an impairment in general, and one of the things it affects it the ability to act morally. which is conceptually one of the better ideas of soullessness that's presented in supernatural. joss whedon (the guy who invented soullessness) (this is why soullessness is so stupid in spn. incompetent cribbing of an already bad concept) is rolling in his cancellation-grave. that's what soullessness means in jitb.

but it's still wildly inconsistent with the rest of the arc. and stupid. and jack is throughout the episode framed soooooooooo scary it's dumb. like there's a different soulless jack arc that could exist that centers on a better version of jack in the box. but in the soulless jack arc we have, jack in the box is an incoherent diversion. a narrative cancer.

alright. okay. moriah. time to talk about moriah.

so the first thing jack does in moriah is run away again, and then he does the no lying thing. which is more about him having bad control over his powers than being soulless.

then the next thing. the next thing is the fake out with his grandparents. we once again get this moment where jack is menacing a female civilian (his grandmother) and we are supposed to be afraid for her. except..... it's a fakeout. maybe jack is harmless after all and we were being unfair, the narrative says.

then we get this:

JACK: And then I tried on my own, but every time I try, it- it never goes right. It never... All I ever wanted was to be good. But now I'm just empty. Even this. I know you're here because you love me, and I want to love you back. It's just, I can't.

so we return to soullessness as emotionlessness as personal tragedy. actually, given that andrew dabb is a consummate trekkie, i would bet you real money that this is an intentional concept-quote of lal's death scene in tng 3x16 "the offspring." jack's soullessness is fully portrayed as a personal tragedy here, not a threatening thing. it matters, but it only matters to him, not how he interfaces with the world. jack wants to be able to feel love, but he can't. he can't feel and this is sad.

his soullessness may impact his decision to let dean kill him, but it may not. jack is routinely suicidal while ensouled, very happy to accept that he deserves to die for various things, starting way back in 13x02. this isn't outside the range of normal for him. but on the other hand, he could be like len in thin lizzie - willing to destroy himself because he has no fear and nothing to lose. it could be the soullessness talking. it's not clear.

so. that's an overview of whether soullessness matters and what it means in every episode of the moriah arc. stay tuned for another post about soullessness coming soon (tonight or tomorrow), this time about sam.

[blondie20000]

SPN Season 14 Recs

Season 14, the season that had so much potential. As I am in an SPN mood, I'm going to recommend some season 14 fics that I love! Links are in the titles of the fics. Fics are from both Ao3 and FF.

I also added my fics because while I do have a masterlist in my pinned post if anyone is looking for a specific season, they can look here.

More fics may be added later on.

The Bringer of War by MadisonTheGeek

Summary:

"Now that the archangel Michael has made it to a new world and taken possession of Dean Winchester, he can begin to put his plans in motion for a new world order. Meanwhile, the rest of the Winchester group search restlessly for the missing Dean and slowly being to unravel Michael's plans."

Not All Good News by trevelies

Summary:

"Michael is caged inside Dean's mind for now. But there's grace leaking from the cracks, banging on the doors, and Dean knows what happens at the end of this story. With borrowed (and confusing) Archangel abilities, a group of mistrustful Apocalypse Universe Hunters, and too many Michael Monsters to deal with, Team Free Will 2.0 is ready to clean up the mess that Michael's left behind and stop another apocalypse. Not all the danger is locked inside a bar's walk-in freezer, though - and the Winchesters need to watch out for old and new enemies around every corner.

And at the end of it all, Dean needs to decide how far he'll go to get rid of Michael once and for all."

Gonna Leave a Scar by trevelies

Summary:

"Michael repossesses Dean in Kansas City, and Team Free Will 2.0 isn't exactly on board. It doesn't matter that their only weapon and chance at defeating Michael is currently broken into pieces - family never gets left behind. And that goes double for Winchesters. Sam does a deep dive into Dean's head because he's not letting Dean disappear on his watch, even if it means facing an Archangel on his own turf."

All On You by trevelies

Summary:

"The Spear" speculation. Dean's vision is swimming - literally. But Team Free Will 2.0 has much bigger problems. The angels have finally located Michael, and the Winchesters have Kaia's Spear, an angel and a half, and about three weeks of bad memories to take out on Michael's feathery ass."

The Abyss Gazes Back by Water_of_life

Summary:

"Dean was able to convince Sam to go along with his plan of locking Michael (and Dean) away in the ma'lak box and dumping it in the Pacific Ocean. Sam gave in to Dean then, but he never gave up searching for another way to save Dean and the rest of the world from Michael. Now that a group of deep sea researchers have stumbled upon the box, Sam is about to find out if he put the reprieve to good use, and if they are all ready to face what is coming."

Omission, Lies, and False Truths by GalaxyThreads, SpiritClusters

Summary:

"In the wake of Lucifer's death, with Dean missing, Sam falling apart, and Cas struggling to keep everyone together, Jack realizes there are a lot of things he doesn't know about the Winchesters and Cas. Things he should know. Things he's going to fight to learn."

10 Years Gone by cayuga

Summary:

"What if Nick had kidnapped Mary before she'd gone into Donna's workshop and saw the Ma'lak box in Damaged Goods? What might have happened if Dean had managed to go through with his trip to the bottom of the Pacific without telling Sam."

the lies I tell myself by randomfills (spnfanatic)

Summary:

"Alt. take on season 14, episode “Nihilism”. Sam and Cas have a plan to bring Dean, literally, out of his head, but Michael is ready for them and once they enter Dean’s mind, they quickly realize they’re in Michael’s playground and Dean has been hiding things...things that even Sam didn’t know. (mentions of abuse, flashbacks)."

The Room by Fantasticly_Anonymous

Summary:

"Sam learns what it is that Dean’s been doing up at Donna’s cabin and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it enough that he thinks up his own solution to their little Michael problem. A bit of a bottle episode, a ‘What If?’ scenario, and a character exploration between the different members of Team Free Will and the archangel thorn in Dean’s mind. In which, nobody, not even the entire world, needs to die."

Rather be the hunter than the prey by vrskaandrea (MalicMalic)

Summary:

"The story takes place in S14E15 Peace of Mind , only instead of Dean, Cas is the one to take Jack to Donatello to try and find out if he still has his soul. Sam and Dean take on a simple salt and burn where they meet up with Ketch. Upon their return, they are welcomed by a sight that has Sam experiencing Deja vu. Forgotten plotlines."

Match made in Heaven by vrskaandrea (MalicMalic)

Summary:

"Two people the world forgot about find each other by accident. Their love is so strong, so powerful when they run into an army of monsters, this unlikely couple ends up being a bigger threat their leader ever anticipated. Michael just couldn't let something as powerful slip thought his fingers and he will end up biting off more then he could chew. Set during season 14"

Roles Reversed by vrskaandrea (MalicMalic)

Summary:

"What if when Dean got hit in the head and the doors of Michael's cage opened, something happened that made them reverse their roles? That made Dean an archangel who could just snap his fingers and instantly kill demons? That made Michael nothing but a pitiful soul that kept drowning in his own nightmares? Come and see."

It's all in the blood by Becciehill1976

Summary:

"Faced with recurring fears about Michael returning as well as trying to fit back in to life in a busy bunker, Dean needs time away from everyone, so he can get his confidence back and find his place in the world Sadly, being a famous hunter has it’s draw back as Dean finds out the hard way when kidnapped whilst on a hunt. From there, Dean gets to find out that there are worse things than being the Archangel Michael’s vessel, as he battles powerful vampires. Will he be able to escape his new prison or will his family find him in time?"

One of a kind by MalicMalic

Summary:

"Someone told me that someone told them there aren't enough of Michael/Dean fics out there. Let's change that. While we're at it, why not add another Michael to the mix and see what happens."

Passenger by moonlightsdean

Summary:

"With Michael having escaped Dean's mind and caused destruction in the bunker, Jack took the initiative to end things once and for all with Michael. Now with Michael dead and Dean freed of having Michael trapped within his mind, he'll be able to relax and have time to deal with the aftermath of what happened with the AU hunters. But what if Michael's relinquish from Dean's mind wasn't as clear cut as it was made out to be? When things start going awry for Dean he's left to wonder what really happened during the time he was unconscious, and why he just can't catch a break."

The Price You Pay by Jadeys_World

Summary:

"It was a miracle that Sam survived taking on the Archangel Michael. Team Free Will is going to find out what it takes for a miracle like that to happen and what it costs when a Reaper and unreliable Rogue Angel each decide to help in their own way. There are secrets and betrayals, a world that needs saving once again, but at least they have each other."

An Alternative Ending by AnotherWriterWhoWrites

Summary:

"Michael isn't sure how long he's been in the cage, time is meaningless to him. But as his sanity slips further and further away, resentment to his father sets in. And once Lucifer takes Sam and Jack away a desperate Dean is more than willing to let what should've happened years ago, to happen now."

Of All The Burdens I Must Bear... by Jadeys_World

Summary:

"Chuck constructs the perfect punishment for Sam after the events of Moriah. Lucifer is given a new life to make amends for the burden his father placed on him when they defeated The Darkness. Sam is adrift and alone in his new life, left to find a new strength to cope without his new reality as the enemy."

At What Cost by Jadeys_World

Summary:

"Mary is gone, taken beyond any Winchester deal or pleading, but there's one option left to them. They can get her back, but it will come at a price, a price that might be too much for Dean to pay. A story of family, betrayal and the things you will do for the people you love."

Burned Away by AnotherWriterWhoWrites

Summary:

"In which Sam is the one with Jack at S14E17 Game Night and as a result, a different person dies."

Testing by AnotherWriterWhoWrites

Summary:

"Mary takes a pregnancy test. Post Episode 13 Lebanon."

Peace When You're Done by kittenofdoomage

Summary:

"Dean puts himself in the box in S14 when there’s no other way to defeat Michael. Canon divergent from the end of “Ouroboros”."

Dean in the Box by Secretwrittenword

Summary:

"The box came to a rest on the deepest floor of the ocean. The pressure pushing down on it caused the structure to creak and groan... Set in Season 14, with no other option, Dean seals himself into the Malák box and sinks to the furtherest depths of the ocean. Once there he has nothing but time to kill and an Archangel to annoy."

Dog Dean Afternoon by Secretwrittenword

Summary:

"Sam and Cas go on a hunt leaving Dean and Jack alone in the bunker to recuperate. After going for a walk Jack finds something that just might be the key to help Dean recover from his ordeal with Michael."

Escape of the Archangel by themodernteen

Summary:

"Adaptation of the 14x14 episode "Ouroboros" when Dean is unconscious after getting his head slammed into the wall by the demigod. My own interpretation of the episode, what goes through Dean's mind in his internal battle against Michael, and a worried Sam and Castiel watching him endure it."

Nemesis of the Mind by TiTivillus

Summary:

"In an attempt to save Dean from Michael, Sam delves into Dean's mind. Things don't go as expected."

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by TiTivillus

Summary:

"Dean is back… or is he? Coda to 14x02 "Gods and Monsters".

Consequences by Jadeys_World

Summary:

"Season 14 AU. Sam is determined to free Dean from Michael and turns to Rowena and the Book of the Damned for help. She finds a spell that will work, but, of course, there will be consequences, and this time, Sam will be paying the ultimate price unless Dean can find a way to save him in return."

Consequences by Blondie2000

Summary:

"For some reason, Lisa found herself drawn to him. She reaches out and places her hand on his cheek. As soon as she touched him, she felt a jolt of electricity go through her. The touch it felt so familiar. The buzz it gave her felt familiar."

"Dean." She repeated his name. "Dean."

Black by Blondie2000

Summary:

"AU of Game Night. Jack wanted Mary to leave him alone. He gets what he wants and accidentally sends Mary to a place where no humans go. Now with Mary gone Jack has to get her back before the Winchesters and Castiel find out and Mary has to survive the dark forces that lurk in the Empty."

Snow Day by Blondie2000

Summary:

"Jack experiences his first ever snow day."

One Time Deal by Blondie2000

Summary:

"Sam and Jack have been kidnapped by Lucifer. Time is running out. What if Dean never said yes to Alternative Michael but instead says yes to our Michael. It is a risky deal but Dean will do whatever it takes to rescue his family and beat the devil once and for all."

The French Mistake 2: An Archangel Nightmare by Blondie2000

Summary:

Dean is gone, Michael has retaken control, and his army is outside, ready to come in and tear everyone apart. With no way out, Sam seeks out help that causes everyone to be sent to a world where their lives are a T.V show and they are actors. Not only do they have this world to worry about, but they still have Michael riding around in Dean's body on the set. Can TFW 2.0 get back home?

The Road to Hell by Blondie2000

Summary:

"The Winchesters find a way to save Dean from Michael. This results in Michael becoming the thing that he grew to hate. He ends up going on the road to Hell. Will he make it to the end? Read and find out."

Who is a Wee Cutie Pie? by Blondie2000

Summary:

"To stop Michael, Rowena puts an adorable curse on him. Set Season 14 Episode 14. AU where Michael never possessed Rowena but stays in Dean instead."

We are One by Blondie2000

Summary:

"Dean confronts Michael. It leads to unexpected results."

[evas-spn-thoughts]

When Dean is scared, he gets angry - a rant.

Okay, I'm listening to a supernatural podcast. Now, don't get me wrong, I truly love this podcast and it's been so great to listen to and I have a great time - but my god do I feel like they don't know Dean Winchester.

However, it is fair to say that they don't dive into the characters as much as I do or maybe they just see the characters different to me, which is fine but it doesn't detract from my annoyance. This podcast is also over, so I can't send in any post season feedback on my thoughts, so instead I am gonna rant on here about my thoughts on Dean Winchester and his fear.

So to paint the picture... I'm listening to their coverage of the final episodes of s14 and they are talking about Dean and how angry he gets in those episodes. Now I am a Dean girl and he is my favourite character but also the way he reacts to his emotions is very obvious to me and I see myself in him, especially in him not functioning well when he is scared.

So to get to the crux of what I'm trying to say - Dean Winchester is emotional, he cries a lot more than Sam or any other character - and that is partly because Jensen gets a lot of the emotional moments - but also because Dean feels his emotions obviously and outwardly compared to a lot of the Supernatural characters. He feels so much that he actually cannot contain it, and that's why he's so loveable and loved - but also why he can be so frantic and feel stretched thin in certain storylines.

Something that is core to Dean Winchester is that when he gets scared he transforms that fear into anger. The majority of the time Dean is angry, it's actually because he is so scared of what is happening to him, or to a loved one, or just scared of what he is feeling and how much he cares.

This is key to understanding Dean Winchester, it is a fact of his character, but it's not stated obviously, you need to just watch and get it. Which is why some people do not see it, they only see the anger.

He does explain it in 12x10, he states clearly to Cas - "I'm not mad. I'm worried" - and this is one of the few times it's told and not shown, but unless you tie this fact into your fundamental knowledge of Dean Winchester it's easy to overlook. Even Sam and Cas assume that for the whole of 12x10 Dean is angry, so I do get how the audience can see it as purely anger, even though it isn't.

But I get annoyed when situations like the end of season 14 happen, and people on a podcast that I love read it as 'oh Dean is just so angry', it grinds my gears because to me, Dean is so clearly terrified that something has happened to his mom.

He is running on fear for that whole season tbh, he's just been possessed by Michael - and Dean doesn't like feeling out of control. He then moves into finding out his kid has potentially killed his mom and his best friend has known Jack hasn't been 100% right but hasn't told anyone, so how is he supposed to react rationally to all of this - Dean is all about trust and protecting his family, but to do so, he needs the whole picture.

Dean Winchester has 1 fundamental rule and that is to protect his family, and that is how he goes through life. In season 14, his mom is missing and his son is murdering people he loves, and his best friend kept information from him that got his mom killed. There is no clear good or bad guy for Dean to kill, so he gets scared and then get's angry - at everything.

Now this carries into season 15, and I think you need to see Dean as a man scared for the first like 5 episodes to understand how he's acting, and why he's so cold to Castiel, I think you also need to remember that this isn't the first time Cas has lied to Dean, and these lies have always led to some form of loss for Dean. So this isn't anger and fear about one action, but a build up of numerous examples of where keeping secrets has failed them.

Now yes Dean has lied to his family as well, but this is a tv show and these characters are human beings - and an angel - so they aren't going to be keeping score or thinking rationally about these things.

My general point is just that Dean is constantly scared, this stems from his childhood and his feeling of responsibility over everyone. So his anger is not just anger, it's a lot more complex. So when people dumb it down to Dean being angry and aggressive for no reason it feels unfair to who Dean is as a character.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant about Dean Winchester and how his anger isn't actually anger.

I hope it made some kind of sense, and if not, welcome to how my head works.

[farenmaddox]

I think a lot of Cas's feelings of being lost are because of how recently he kind of "gave up" on heaven and his identity as an angel who could lead the other angels back to their original purpose. Angels are supposed to protect and cherish humanity, and it was much easier in earlier seasons for him to feel righteous in his defiance because he was right that protecting people meant preventing the apocalypse and standing up to angels who disrespected humanity.

But the things that he did between seasons 6-9 in service of that goal were... not great. He always had the best of intentions, but it absolutely decimated heaven. He is directly responsible for a LOT of death. So even though he may still feel that humanity is worth protecting and even though he still adheres to that goal (and sees Dean as the primary embodiment of that), he's lost his perspective on HOW to do that and what his role in that should be. Despite how close he has become to humans and despite taking a human family, he still has a fairly cosmic concept of what protecting humanity should look like. This is what led him to being Lucifer's vessel in season 11, and I think the fact that this plan ultimately failed and that Dean was the one to save them all simply by being his beautifully human and compassionate self was really difficult for Cas to deal with.

It's extremely visible in most of season 12 that Cas is struggling to see his place in the world. He can't find/defeat Lucifer and he also can't seem to fit in with the family and be a hunter. He sees himself failing at everything he set out to do, and the fact that most of the primary antagonists in season 12 are just humans doesn't help. He loves humans, but he still doesn't really get them. He feels useless against the Men of Letters and the government and witnesses to the crimes they investigate, and it is a primary part of Cas's personality that he really needs and wants to feel useful. (Relatable!) I don't think it's a coincidence that there are multiple times in seasons 11 and 12 where someone refers to Cas as the Winchester's dog or pet (and it's also not a coincidence that Rowena's spell that nearly killed him gets called the "attack dog" spell). He's lost a lot of his sense of agency and it's being reflected in the words used to describe him (notice how he never argues when people call him this).

And then... Jack. The idea that protecting humanity means protecting this child is less complicated than the quandries he's been mired in for years now, and more uniquely suited to Cas's skill set. They have the Lily Sunder episode, where he has to question his previous stance on nephilim, not to mention it was killing a nephilim that helped Metratron pull off his spell at the end of season 8, something Cas is surely still beating himself up about, and the fact that Ishim and Metratron both lied and manipulated Castiel into it provides a really strong link between the two incidents. Protecting a nephilim instead of killing one must seem like a chance at a type of redemption. His own status as something caught between human and angel allows a certain feeling of solidarity, and of course there's the simple fact that Cas is one of the few things in the world that is both willing to do this and actually has a chance of standing up against the kind of threats the child might be facing.

There are a lot of implications at the end of the series that Jack wasn't what Cas wanted him to be, that Chuck won, that they never actually got to break out of the narrative and be free or happy. But it still matters that from Cas's perspective, this was his choice and that protecting and guiding Jack was both personally fulfilling (became a father, rediscovered "who he is") and was good for the world (because Jack is good for the world). It wasn't about "serving" Jack in the way he served heaven, because that wasn't how he saw it for himself. He was always the one who was quick to tell Jack that it was okay when the situation had changed and maybe Jack couldn't fulfill his "destiny." That he still loved him no matter what, that he was willing to protect him, even from the rest of their family. He was Jack's father, not his servant.

Cas says this, in 15x02: "Even if we didn't know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck's machinations, how would we describe it all? We'd call it "life". Because that's precisely what life is. It's an obstacle course, and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that." Maybe that is hopeless naivete on Cas's part, but it meant he died happy and fulfilled. That's better than what Dean got!

forgive me if this doesn’t make any sense but… if the “one day” that “something changed” is supposed to be jack being born, then idk if i like the implication that, before then, cas had just always felt lost and purposeless. are we talking since he left heaven, all the way back in s4? like idk but i’d always thought it was pretty clear that even when cas is unsure and making mistakes and misguided, even when he feels lost at times, starting in s4 when he began to help dean, cas had chosen his purpose to be protecting humanity and protecting his family. and he never really stopped trying to do that, that desire never really gets lost, even if he takes a wrong turn at times ie s6. so like that quote is confusing to me cause imo cas’s vision from jack should have just reaffirmed his desire to protect humanity, but the quote implies that he had found a new feeling of purpose with jack? what purpose, if not loving and protecting humanity? which imo was always there?!?

sorry for the word jumble, but your comments on that quote, a quote i’d not really paid much attention to in the past tbh lol, got me thinking 😅

this makes complete sense!!! and you definitely got my brain wheels turning so thank you! no yeah absolutely, it's weird, and the more i think about it the weirder it gets. here is the dialogue we're referencing, btw. i'll give the benefit of the doubt here and say: there are a lot of days cas could be referring to. it could be the day of lucifer rising, for example, or the day he was resurrected from purgatory, or the day he was resurrected from the empty. it could be any number of days. i cannot conclusively state that any one day is "the day."

but here's what led me to assume it was a jack-related day: that since jack has been back, cas has been hitting the "jack's destiny" talking points hard, and that he ends the speech with "i found a family, and i became a father. and in that, i rediscovered my faith. i rediscovered who i am."

on jack's destiny: here are the examples i can find from s15, all from 15x12. there aren't any additional discussions involving cas about jack's destiny in 15x11, 15x13, or 15x14.

so this is what immediately sprang to my mind when i heard cas talk about purpose. that in season 15, at this point, cas believes his purpose is to help jack fulfill his destiny. he is connecting his worth to jack's "success" in terms of jack doing what he's "supposed" to do. he has faith in jack. he has faith jack will be good for the world. without jack he is lost.

and this actually echoes 12x19 the future. this is from the production draft shared by @spnscripthunt-inactive. notice the themes of feeling no longer lost, of having faith, of feeling "normal" "for the firt time in a long, long time." it may be worth mentioning that both 12x19 and 15x12 (where the above quotes come from) were written by meredith glynn and robert berens.

all of this together reads to me as: cas is defining himself and his own success by jack's success. and that changed on the day jack showed cas a vision of the future, a vision of "paradise" (according to cas). cas needs to believe his faith and trust in jack are correctly placed, that he is doing the right thing. he needs to believe he has a purpose, and he has decided his purpose is helping jack fulfill his (jack's) purpose.

and to thing #2 that made me believe the speech was about the day cas decided he was tied to jack: the way he closes the speech. "i found a family, and i became a father. and in that, i rediscovered my faith. i rediscovered who i am." finding a family and becoming a father are two separate things. finding a family happened much earlier. becoming a father is necessarily tied to jack (i'm not inclined to count claire here - not because she doesn't matter, but because i don't believe cas OR claire view cas as her father). and the way it reads to me is that when cas says "in that," he's talking about "in becoming a father." because it came later. i read it as "finding a family helped, but what really made me rediscover my faith and who i am was becoming a father." and that aligns pretty closely with what is said in 12x19!

so to your point (oh wow that was a long tangent, sorry). literally everything you're saying is spot-on to me. i think we can trace the roots of cas feeling lost and seeking a purpose all the way back to s4 - definitely! i think it's a huge struggle for him because he wants to have a purpose, he wants to feel like what he does matters, but it is difficult for him because he feels like he doesn't know what's right. prior to season 4 his purpose had been clearly spelled out for him (he's an angel, he does god's will). and while he no longer accepts that purpose as his own, i think he craves something as simple and straightforward as that purpose. it's really difficult for him in those s5-s12 years when he's bouncing around, trying to figure out what he should be doing! but i think you're absolutely right that the underlying theme, the underlying purpose is always protecting humanity, protecting his family. i'd add an element of "doing what's right/stopping evil" too. but yeah, cas DOES care about humanity. he DOES care about the little guy. he DOES want to prevent human suffering and misery, and to help relieve it wherever he can. it matters to me that cas cares about humanity because that's one of the things that makes him so different from the other angels. i think over time his tactics change to achieve the goal of protecting humanity, but the goal itself does not change.

so does being jack's father = protecting humanity? kind of. if we believe that jack will successfully usher in paradise, then yes, cas helping jack fulfill his destiny would make things better for humanity and arguably protect them (or reduce the amount of protection they need). but i don't think this has the same level of attention/care towards humans that cas has previously shown. it's about making sure jack succeeds so he can fix everything. it's not about making things better right now.

and this is where i get into opinion territory: i, like you, don't like the implication that cas has always felt lost and purposeless! lost, yes. unsure of his purpose, yes. but i feel like the framing here is that cas has just been aimlessly drifting about for all these years, totally incapable of finding a purpose. i do not think jack and god are the same but i don't see much of a difference between "i am an angel, i serve god's will" and "i am a father, i serve jack's will." especially because there is a chance, however slight, that jack was manipulating cas. that the vision jack showed cas was not a guarantee.

it feels to me like jack hands cas a purpose the same way god handed cas a purpose. and i thought the beauty of cas choosing free will was that he got to choose his purpose himself. this feels like it was chosen for him and he went along with it because it was easier to have a purpose selected for you by a being of unfathomable power. and i sympathize with that immensely! and i also think there was profound beauty in cas discovering his purpose on his own, even when it was a struggle.

[minefield-of-a-ninja]

28 DAYS: FINAL CHAPTER

Summary: Dean Winchester is an addict and an alcoholic, a USMC veteran, a father, and an older brother. As Battalion Chief with Lawrence Fire & Medical, Dean comes under investigation when he makes a dangerous and impulsive decision, defying his superiors and abandoning the team he is supposed to lead. He is given the choice to go to rehab for 28 days or jail. His lawyer insists on rehab, and Dean begrudgingly abides.

Characters in this chapter: Dean Winchester, Mrs. Butters (mentioned), Jack Kline, Meg Masters, Billie Pilgrim, Pamela Barnes, Rowena Macleod, Gabriel, Crowley (seen but not heard), Missouri Mosely, Alex Jones (seen but not heard), Lydia, Emma Winchester, Benny Lafitte, Castiel Novak, Bobby Singer, Ellen Harvelle, Casey Wood, Jo Harvelle/Victor Henriksen/Nick Iblis/Zeke Gadreel (mentioned), Sam and Jess Winchester (mentioned), Tessa Porter

Warnings/tags for this chapter: if you've read this far, you're golden xox

Words in this chapter: 5K

Author's note: Cute Sparkle Gryphon Meme

Emma driving is for @stusbunker. Love you, sis.

Thank you to Stu and to my 12yr ride or die @brrose-apothecary for read-throughs and late-night convos and for being my friends.

CHAPTER TEN

A week to the day before Dean is to be released, he and the others say goodbye to Jack. Mrs. Butters in the kitchen helps Dean bake and decorate a cake with a very cool screen print of Red Hood that Pamela found online, and Meg commandeers Jack's phone to add Pamela's, Dean's, and her own contact info to his address book.

"Hope you don't mind if I call you sometime, kid," Dean mutters. 

There's a tight, heavy knot in his chest that he can't loosen. He wants to keep in touch with Jack so he can celebrate his successes. He doesn't want to be the old Dean who keeps in touch out of fear that Jack will stumble with no one around to catch him.

But deeply woven within that knot is an intense foreboding, stoking Dean's fear of letting Jack walk out the door.

"Of course," Jack answers, distracted by his pinging phone, telling him his Uber is one minute down the street. "I'll text you."

Dean nods and chews his lip. "We can trade me-mes," he says, watching the kid not watch him. 

Dean has to actively restrain himself from pushing the flop of hair from across Jack's forehead and demanding the kid's attention. The knot spirals around his organs and rib cage into his gut.

"Meme," Meg says, trying to help Jack straighten the strap of his bag.

"What?" Dean asks.

"It's pronounced meme. Like theme," Meg answers, stepping back into place next to him.

Dean shakes his head as his heart jolts and dives at the sight of the white Honda pulling up in front of the big glass doors.

"Good luck, Jacky." Rowena appears at Dean's other side, looping an arm through the crook of Dean's elbow. "We'll miss you, sweet boy."

Meg mirrors Rowena, hooking her arm through Dean's. Dean drops his chin to his chest with a sigh, realizing how transparent his anxiety is to his friends.

"Ciao, baby," Meg bids the teenager a farewell, watching him stumble over his own sneakers toward the door.

"Bye, guys," Jack calls with a wave. "And thanks for the cake; it was really good!"

And then he's gone.

Dean starts a list of everyone with whom he needs to make amends. Emma's at the top of that list, so he always remembers how far he's come and can fall.

Castiel is the closest second.

Before Emma walked in on him with Max and Anna last year, Dean could sleep at night by telling himself he hadn't imposed on anyone or lied, cheated, or stolen. He told himself that he cleaned up his own messes and that he was just fine with death, closure, and a whole fuckin' bottle of Jack. 

Then he broke his little girl's heart. 

"Do you think you were trying to prove something to Castiel that day?" Billie asked.

"I think you know what I was doin'. Why don't you tell me what I was tryna prove?"

Billie was right as usual; Dean wanted to prove to Cas that he wasn't worthy of Cas's respect. Dean knew that kid was going to die if someone didn't go in there — and probably even if someone did — and he decided to be the kamikaze pilot because fuck everybody who still had faith in him; he wasn't worth their concern.

"The list!" Meg plops into a seat next to him with two cups of coffee. "Dean Bean, that list is hella long. You should pare it back for your first round."

She takes a sip of her coffee, handing him his as she peers over the rim of her cup.

Dean chuckles, shaking his head. "Every single person I think of makes my stomach hurt."

"Did you show it to Billie yet?" Meg slides her stocking feet into Dean's lap.

"Not yet. Meetin' with her in 10." He twists in his seat to accommodate her.

Meg nods. "Drink your coffee and keep me entertained ‘til you gotta go."

She burrows into her seat with an impish grin, and Dean smirks back as he sets to work, kneading her heels and thumbing the knotted muscles in her arches.

Four days after Jack, Meg is discharged. Pamela decides to stay beyond her discharge date for extra support from Billie and Cain. 

After their morning hike, Meg and Pamela say their goodbyes, and Pamela heads to Billie's office to plan another family session for the coming weekend. 

Dean waits with Meg for her sister Dani's arrival. Meg is keyed up and wide-eyed in the best way. Her fresh face is framed with braids on either side, compliments of Pamela, her sky blue backpack secured over her (Dean's) too-big hoodie, scuffed-up but neatly tied hiking boots, and softly worn jeans. 

Dean thinks she looks like she's headed off to college with her entire life ahead of her, and he thinks that look is fitting as fuck.

"I put Dani's number in your phone; she still has a landline." Meg rolls her eyes as she absently twists the straps of her backpack.

Mere days before Meg was admitted to rehab, Dani inherited their childhood home and land after months of legal battles surrounding the farm. After she and Meg made amends, they planned to renovate the old farmhouse together. Meg told Dean how thankful she is to have the project to keep her on her toes, not to mention her adopted niece Kaia. 

Meg's phone chimes with a text from Dani.

"She's just around the corner," Meg breathes, flicking her eyes to meet Dean's. "Three days?"

"You got it, sister." Dean pulls her in for a hug. "I'll be outta here, and we'll be 2.1 together. Right?"

"Right."

Last week, Dean and Meg realized that they had grown up less than 10 miles apart. There's not even one excuse Dean can think of to not continue their morning hikes and coffee at least once a week, and he can't wait to witness Meg's inevitable bloom outside this place. 

He sees Dani pull up and releases Meg. 

"Keep an eye on PB," Meg murmurs, pulling away and not quite meeting Dean's eyes.

Dean nods silently as Meg drops her gaze to her feet and shuffles toward the door.

"Goodbye, love!" Rowena calls from the lobby's catwalk, and Meg looks up with a wide grin and a wave.

"Take care, kiddo!" Gabe waves from beside Rowena, with Crowley lurking behind them both.

Dean wins Meg's gaze one last time before she finally climbs up inside her sister's Jeep. 

"How are you feeling about everything, Dean?" Billie asks.

He's nervous and excited, a little bit scared but mostly hopeful. He's determined to make amends with people and looks forward to seeing his little girl outside therapy and hugging his niece and nephew.

"Good," Dean answers.

Dean doesn't fool himself into believing he can repair all of his faults in 28 days. His provisional relationship with Billie was hard-won. He respects her knowledge and advice, but he'll never be open enough with her to tell her everything.

"Good," she replies. "Don't forget — 90 meetings in 90 days. Look for a sponsor..."

Billie rattles off the rules that Dean used to consider common sense. After the last few weeks, though, Dean has realized how bogus the phrase common sense is because so many people walk around without knowledge that Dean's taken for granted since he can remember knowing anything. The fact that that phrase masquerades itself as a universal truth is kind of bullshit, in Dean's opinion.

"Yeah, I remember: how long have they been sober; are they full of shit; do I like them—"

"You know I have to say these things, right?" Billie smirks and arches a brow.

Dean chuckles and nods. "Am I stealin' your thunder?"

Billie actually laughs.

The night before he leaves, Dean does all his laundry except his pajamas and packs his bag. He leaves the bag on what was Jack's bed six days ago, denying the 47th urge to call the kid because he promised himself he wouldn’t call Jack before Jack called him. 

In the dark of night, the emotions he accepted earlier at face value become garbled and daunting. He starts to see the edges of rational thought being peeled back by the demons lurking in his subconscious, slithering out to tell him that he's foolish and undeserving and will fail.

The sober experience of his darker cognition is fascinating and frightening. He takes a good chunk of time lying there, stunned to his core that he was ever blind enough to fall for this.

"Fuck off," he mutters as he rolls to his side. "I'm gettin' the fuck outta here and on with my life."

The next morning, Dean and Pamela go for a hike like usual. They have coffee, and she sits with him while he smokes.

"You gonna be OK?" he asks.

"What, without you and Megan, the 2.1 twins?"

Dean startles at Pamela's tone and arched brow.

He never meant for anyone, not even Crowley, to hear his and Meg's 2.1 mantras. It was never about their lack of faith in anyone else. It was always about their bond and shared need to hear it from the other one to get them through.

"You're not subtle, either of you," she drolls, shifting her gaze to the woods. 

"PB..."

"It's fine, Dean." She peeks back at him. "And, yes, I'll be fine, too. Once I get my ground legs back and earn more trust from my mother-in-law."

"Sammy can help, ya know," Dean reminds her of when Sam visited and heard her case. He told Dean on the spot that he wanted to help her, and Dean wasted no time relaying the message and ensuring Pamela had Sam's phone number and email address.

"He can, legally, and I'll call him." Pamela nods, keeping her eyes on the wooded area just beyond the deck where she and Dean had just walked and laughed. "But Jesse's mom hasn't let me forget for one second how much she doesn't trust me."

Dean doesn't take his eyes off Pamela's trembling profile. "Then make her."

Pamela blinks and inhales a stuttering breath before glancing over at Dean with watery eyes. She sniffles as she accepts Dean's open, outstretched hand to squeeze. 

"Thank you," she whispers, letting the tears fall. "I'm gonna miss you, ya little shit."

Dean laughs as he pulls her in for a hug.

At 12:25 PM, Pamela is seated on the desk, arching across the expanse to help Alex pick a dress for her sorority's spring formal, Rowena is explaining to Missouri the plot of the last murder mystery she starred in, and Gabriel is practically gnawing Dean's ear from the side of his head with small-talk. 

"Gabe?"

"Yeah, man," Gabe turns to face Dean head-on, cracking his knuckles and bouncing on his toes.

"I'm gonna need you to dial back the Tigger impression by at least five clicks, OK, because I'd like to be somewhat chill when my kid gets here to pick me up."

"Oh! Right. Yes." Gabe salutes Dean before shoving his hands in his pockets and turning back to watch the door. He mutters chill to himself a couple of times before the familiar deep blue BMW rolls up in front of the door.

"Oh, my word, look at that," Rowena marvels as she and Pamela join Dean and Gabe at the door. "The wee lass is all grown up! Ye must be so proud, Dean."

Dean nods. Emma's a gift that he'll work the rest of his life to deserve getting, and he'll always be proud of her. But his heart fumbles over the fact that he missed the milestone of being the one to teach her to drive.

Lydia steps out of the passenger side, waving from the curb.

"Well, go on," Pamela encourages Dean. "Get out there and show 'em what you're made of, Daddy."

Dean's heart swells to near bursting as he hugs everyone goodbye, including Missouri and Alex.

"You take good care of yourself, Dean Winchester," Missouri says with a kind Missouri smile.

"Yes, ma'am," he nods before scanning the faces of his friends and walking out the door into his future.

"How's the Casbah sound?" Lydia asks from the back seat.

Dean loves the Casbah, and Lydia knows that, but he can't answer her; he's too busy watching his baby girl drive a fucking car.

Lydia shifts forward as Emma signals, checks her mirrors, and carefully changes lanes. 

"Pretty wild, huh?" she mutters over Dean's shoulder. "Just yesterday, you were teaching her to ride a bike."

Dean huffs a small chuckle and nods his head. "Straight from a trike to a two-wheeler. No trainin’ wheels for my girl."

Emma rolls her eyes over a blush and a sheepish grin. "So. Casbah?"

"Casbah," Dean confirms with a grin of his own, turning his shaded gaze toward the horizon.

"Hi," he starts, glancing around a circle of people of all ages and walks of life. "I'm... Dean. And I'm an alcoholic and addict."

"Hi, Dean," from the crowd.

Dean nods and draws a deep breath, struggling to keep his head up and maintain eye contact with each person. Ugly fears and insecurities threaten his spirit, but he shoos them away.

"I'm 28 days sober, and I feel... good. Went to dinner with my little girl tonight. She and her mom're waitin' for me down the street at the ice cream place." 

The strangers in the circle fidget, mumble, and nod. The tension he feels is all about himself and his inability to just blend the fuck in. He knew doing this all over again with a new group of people would be hard. Then, his eyes land on a burly, bearded guy with clear blue eyes and an encouraging smile. He holds the man’s gaze like it’s a life raft.

“I’ve only been out a few hours, so I still have to call and apologize to everyone for fuckin’ up so bad.”

The man nods, shifting forward in interest. The kind of attention the man is giving him might make him feel like a bug under a microscope under other circumstances, but the man’s earnest compassion and engagement serve to embolden Dean.

“The first call’s the biggest, but they’ll all be tough. My buddy — my best friend and former boss — that’s kinda the eye of the storm. I think if I call him first, that’ll help me get through the others.”

It feels good to think out loud and strategize, knowing his audience has been there and done that. Dean’s especially keen to learn where his potential new friend has been.

After the meeting is done, Dean makes his way over to the man in question. There are two other people trying to talk to him, and Dean starts to worry that he’s one of those guys Billie told him about who accepts everyone’s sponsorship request for status or whatever.

“...I know someone I think’ll be a good fit f’you, Sorento. Lemme reach out and see when he might could grab a cuppa coffee.”

“Thanks, Benny. Never thought my sponsor’d fall off the wagon, ya know?”

“I hear ya, brother, and I’m sorry. You take care, and I’ll get right back, ya hear?”

The taller, darker-skinned man nods before backing away, and the other person Dean thought was waiting to talk to Benny follows.

“Hey, Dean.” Benny smiles, extending a hand. “I’m Benny. Glad you could make it tonight.”

Dean nods, accepting Benny’s hand and shaking it. “Thanks, man. I appreciate your support.”

“You’ve got it, brother.” 

They chat about the ins and outs of meetings and sobriety for a few minutes until Dean realizes that Emma and Lydia are still waiting for him. 

“Well, I gotta go catch up with my daughter, but uh... thanks again.” 

Dean shifts his weight, having flashbacks to his teen years and the first time he asked someone out on a date.

“But I was wonderin’ if you were a sponsor to anyone else? Or... if you had room for one more?”

Benny smiles wide and bright. “It’d be an honor, Dean. What’s your number?”

On his first full day outside, at 9 AM, Dean starts dialing numbers.

"Hey, Cas," he pauses to cringe at the tremor in his too-eager voice. "It's uh... it's Dean."

There's a split second of silence, and Dean almost hangs up.

"I know, Dean. I have your contact in my phone with a picture of you and Claire from Thanksgiving."

The memory of that day is bittersweet to Dean for a dozen reasons, not the least of which was Claire's mental health at the time. She'd run away from home less than a week after her mom lost her months-long battle with ovarian cancer. Cas had just gotten Claire back and decided to have a small gathering at their home to celebrate her return.

Claire didn't feel like celebrating.

"He just doesn't understand," Claire whispered through the tears that Dean worked overtime to wipe away.

"Maybe he doesn't understand exactly how you feel, honey, but he does love you."

"Does he even miss her?" Her trembling lip broke Dean's heart all over again.

"I know he misses her. He loved your mom, Claire. So much."

"He's so... happy."

Dean nodded. "Yeah. 'Coz you're home. You're his little girl and his only family. Try to understand that." 

"Dean? Are you— are you there?"

Dean jolts from his reverie and shrugs off Cas's matter-of-fact mention of that day lest it gives his demons the upper hand again.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. I'm calling..." Dean takes a deep breath and looks out his kitchen window to watch a couple of squirrels chasing each other through the parking lot. 

"Cas, I'm sorry. You're my best friend, and I love and respect you, but I defied your order and endangered the team. I broke at least four laws that day and put you and the department under scrutiny 'coz of my own fucked up mess. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out that I could help myself and that I'm worth helping, and to stop hurting other people."

Cas is quiet for longer this time. Dean yearns to fill the silence or turn back time or run away and hide. Instead, he breathes through it and waits for whatever response Cas gives him because this is sobriety.

"You made it.” Cas’s tone is full of pride and satisfaction.

Dean anticipated 17 scenarios, but this takes him off-guard. Before he can ask what he means, Cas fills in the blank.

"I read about rehab and the likelihood of people making it through their prescribed programs. The statistics are 30%—"

"Yeah, and my group was only seven people, so 30% is 2.1." Dean can't help but chuckle. Cas doesn't know about his and Meg’s joke, but it doesn't matter because Cas is family, and family just gets it. 

"Well, apart from the impossibility of the existence of .1 of a human being, it's good to hear your voice, Dean. I missed you."

Dean smiles so wide his face hurts. "Missed you too, man. How's Claire?"

Through Cas's heavy sigh, Dean can hear the smile in his voice. "Claire is Claire. She missed you as well. Once you're settled, we want you to come over for dinner."

Cas doesn't rebuke Dean. He doesn't rehash the past. He doesn't tell Dean he can't come back to work — because Cas knows that Dean already knows all of that, and neither of them has time for anything but catching up and reconnecting.

"I'd love it," Dean replies. "Thank you. For accepting my apology and letting me say what I needed."

"Always. I knew you'd make it and that our relationship would endure another shift. We will always be friends, Dean."

After his call with Cas, Dean calls Bobby and Ellen. They're less gracious than Cas with their acceptance, which doesn't surprise Dean.

"You were supposed to protect your team, Dean, not put them in danger!"

Dean doesn’t argue, and he doesn’t make excuses. He listens to Ellen yell and damn him to Hell until she’s crying so hard that Bobby takes the phone away from her.

As Ellen’s sobs fade in the distance, Bobby speaks. “How you holdin’ up, boy?”

“I’m good, Bobby. Thanks for takin’ my call.”

“Never wouldn’t,” Bobby answers. “Stay strong, kid. We both love ya; she just needs some time.”

“I love you, too, Bobby — both of ya.”

Jo flat-out blocks his call. Her resistance surprises him even less than her mother’s ire. He won’t give up on Jo, no matter how hard she makes it for him. He knows deep down that she hasn’t given up on him either.

Casey’s gasp is her answer. 

“Case.”

“You OK?”

“I am. Now.” 

He lets the memories of her soft, dark eyes and gentle, capable hands loving him more than he could bear carry him through the call.

“I’m sorry, Case. I hurt you so many times, and I never made it easy to be with me. You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman, whip fuckin’ smart, and so good.”

“We’ve been over this, Dean...”

Dean doesn’t cut in where she’s left a vacancy. He won’t take advantage of her anymore. He waits for her to pick up her thoughts. He wants her to say what she means.

And she does.

“Dean, I... I’ll never regret you or resent you.”

After a moment.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and Dean knows she’s crying.

He calls Victor, Nick, and Zeke, each awkward, compulsory, and hostile, respectively, but being uncomfortable is Dean’s new normal. And, for some reason, he kind of digs it. So, he’ll continue to make amends, no matter how it makes him feel.

After a week outside, Dean and Meg finally find a hiking trail they like and a coffee place they love before hitting the Lowe's Garden Center.

“Is this a joke?” Meg pokes at the limp lavender plant with indignation. “I can’t even believe they have this out for sale.”

“What do you care? We’re not here for lavender.” 

Dean wanders a few paces down the aisle. He’s never tended a plant in his life, so he researched and decided on a spider plant to start.

“Maybe I’m here for lavender.” Meg continues to inspect the small section of drooping topiaries.

Dean stops and glares at her over his shoulder. “You told me you wanted a buncha succulents. You said you wanted a ‘cool little terrarium’ or some shit.”

“Maybe I decided to also get lavender.” Meg shrugs, lifting one of the pathetic florals.

“Now that you’ve seen the stellar selection of lavender?” Dean arches a brow.

“Maybe I want a challenge,” she mutters, squatting with one plant to compare it to another.

“Maybe, maybe, maybe...” Dean rolls his eyes and turns smack into Castiel.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas!” Dean takes a step back, gripping Cas’s shoulders. He can’t believe his luck at seeing him while he’s with Meg.

“Hey, this is my friend, Meg.”

He motions to Meg, who is now sitting cross-legged on the ground with three dead plants in front of her. 

“Meg..." Dean snaps her to attention. "This is Cas.”

Meg blinks up at the men from where she sits on the ground. 

“Well. Hello, Cas.” 

She abandons her brief fascination to stand up and swipe her jeans and hands clean before shaking Castiel’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

The fire chief looks adorably confused as usual, as he takes her hand in his. “And I have heard nothing about you.”

Meg side-eyes Dean, and he almost laughs out loud. She’ll drag him later for not telling Castiel about her, but the only reason he didn’t was to let her show him herself.

“Whatcha here for, Cas?” Dean watches his friends reluctantly release each other’s grip.

“Tomato plants and strawberry plants. You know how much sun our side patio gets.”

Dean nods. Before he can reply, his phone buzzes with a text. It’s the notification he set for Pamela, and his gaze darts to Meg, who’s pulling her own phone from her back pocket.

“Hang on, Cas — got a message I need to look at.” Dean pulls his phone from his pocket. When he looks down, his world tilts.

Jack’s back.

“Fuck,” Dean mutters with a sigh before snagging Meg’s worried gaze.

“I take it you’ve received bad news?” Cas asks.

“Well, it ain’t good,” Dean replies, pocketing his phone. “Dinner Thursday?”

“Yes. Claire wants dumplings. I’ve had two failed trial runs making them, so it could be an... interesting meal.”

Meg snorts at Dean’s side, drawing his attention. “Cas’s a terrible cook.”

“No shit?” Meg exaggerates with her hands on her hips.

“I need to go — get the plants and ingredients for tonight’s test.”

Meg stifles a cackle, and Dean hip-checks her. “OK, well, lemme know if I can help with the dumplings, Cas.”

They say their goodbyes, and barely before Castiel is out of earshot, Meg starts in. 

"You didn't tell me your 'weird little friend Cas' was hot, Dean."

Dean chuckles and rolls his eyes. "I thought it was implied when I said you'd like him, Megan. Just gather your sad little flowers so we can go."

“Meh, I want succulents.” 

Dean spends the entire rest day bashing himself for waiting to call Jack. He wanted to give the kid space. He wanted to respect him, and... fuck, he can’t save everyone.

He calls Benny so he doesn’t drag Meg down his rabbit hole.

“Whaddaya want outta this, Dean? To call the kid and gloat?” Benny asks.

Dean cringes. “Is that what it sounds like?”

“Little bit.”

“Man, I’m not tryna be a martyr here; he’s a kid!” Dean really believes what he’s saying just as much as he tries to see what Benny sees.

“He’s a kid, but he ain’t yours, and he ain’t you. Remember your boundaries and your goals.”

Benny’s right, and Dean’s reminded of why he chose him to be his sponsor.

“Thanks, Benny. Thanks for takin’ my call, and thanks for being a great sponsor.” 

That night, Dean stumbles across something online that stuns him for a second. It’s labeled as Cute Gryphon Sparkle Meme. It’s a greyscale drawing of a cartoon gryphon with a sort of paint-by-number chart of how to color it based on your own interpretation of the instructions like “the color that best describes ‘cute’” and “the color that first comes to your head”.

Dean shares the link with Jack, hoping he gets his phone back soon so he can appreciate just how cute it is.

One month, eight hikes with Meg, and three trips to the garden center for more plants (because Dean has now decided that he fucking loves plants) later, a familiar, feminine voice jolts Dean from his reverie in the produce section.

“Dean?” 

He turns from where he’s filling his hand cart with all he needs for the guacamole he’s bringing to Sam and Jess’s tomorrow to find Tessa Porter.

“Tessa!” Dean smiles easily at her smile and how she moves closer to him without hesitation. 

She’s fresh-faced, her hair’s in a ponytail, and she’s wearing workout clothes. Dean drops three good-sized avocados into his basket and turns his back on the vegetables to focus on the woman facing him.

“You look great, Dean. How’ve you been?”

“Thanks! You just come from the gym? You look great, too. Not at all like you just worked out or anything, but fit. Like healthy. And glowing.”

He bites his tongue to stop from shoving his foot down his gullet.

Tessa grins and chuckles quietly, peeking into his basket. “Yoga class. Making some guac?”

Dean draws a breath and nods, looking down at his ingredients. “Yeah. My brother requested it for a cookout tomorrow. He says I make the best guac in three counties.”

Tessa tilts her head and purses her lips. “Hmm. I’ll have to try it sometime.” 

She snags Dean’s gaze, and he’s suddenly out of breath. 

Does she know what he did? Is she hitting on him? Have her eyes always been that color?

“Yeah. I’d uh... I’d like to make it for you sometime.”

Dean swears her irises change color as they stand there — honey to jade to turquoise to cerulean.

After a few beats, Tessa raises her eyebrows. “Are you going to ask me for my number?”

Dean blinks then chuckles, shaking his head. “I gotta ask somethin' else first — you know about rehab, right?”

Tessa nods. “I know. And I know you aren’t supposed to date right away, but... I’d like to be friends. If that’s OK? I’ve missed seeing you around, Dean.”

“Friends,” he echoes skeptically.

He and Tessa never discussed dating before because it would have been against department policy, but that didn’t stop him from flirting with her every chance he had. Still, they had a genuine connection — which is the real reason, even in Dean’s most reckless state, that he never crossed a line with her.

Tessa nods again. “For now — friends. Think you can handle that?”

Dean holds her soft, kaleidoscope gaze for a moment before shifting his basket to his other arm and reaching into his pocket for his phone. 

“Here.” He hands his unlocked phone to Tessa. “I would very much like it if you’d add yourself to my contacts so I can call ya sometime.”

Tessa grins again as she accepts the proffered device to quickly input her name and number. She flicks her eyes to his again as she hands him back his phone.

“I look forward to hearing from you. See you soon, Dean.”

Tessa looks him up and down before turning on her heel and sauntering away.

Dean’s eyes drop to the sway of her hips, and he shakes his head. 

“Hate sayin’ g’bye but love watchin’ her walk away,” he mutters under his breath with a hearty chuckle before heading to the aisle with chips and crackers, stifling the urge to Leprechaun kick next to the bananas.

Fifty-eight days sober feels pretty damn good.

Epilogue: coming soon

Please let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist | Dean Winchester Masterlist | MJ’s Masterlist

[shallowseeker]

When Dean says, "You just bought into the biggest hoax in history," it's a strange dialogue, given the recent context.

DEAN: This mess... all the messes. It turns out that we're just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh? Tell me you don't feel conned. God's been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history.

"You bought into it," Dean says. Which... no.

Cas may have prayed to Chuck, he may have been a loyal soldier to Chuck for eons, but he's the one that turned away from Chuck's recent machinations. He's the one that challenged Chuck and walked away from him, even from Sam and Dean.

So, then.

What are Dean's words about? Well. They're about everything. But they're about Dean's shame. His despair.

//

I think (2) things. These words are directed at Cas because Dean's "putting on Cas what he can't take," but Dean's saying these words indirectly to himself.

It's Dean who just bought into Chuck's scam at the worst possible moment. (This was a momentary thing, but to Dean, this feels huge. A betrayal and a self-betrayal. A crisis of faith and a crisis of faith.) And Cas, kindly, does not call him on this. He's sympathetic. So sympathetic.

Why?

CASTIEL: You don't think I'm angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn't mean it was all a lie. DEAN: Really? CASTIEL: Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth, he... he just kept it to himself. DEAN: Well, now that his cover's blown, everything that we've done is for what? Nothing? CASTIEL: Even if we didn't know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck's machinations, how would we describe it all? We'd call it "life". Because that's precisely what life is. It's an obstacle course, and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that. DEAN: Did we?

15x02

And this is Dean's insecurities playing up again. Did Dean do well here? DID he?

He bought into Chuck's machinations and played right into his hands. Dean was spiraling, hurt, and he felt he had to do the "right thing" to save the world from Jack.

But the pain point is: Dean feels like the world's biggest dupe right now, and it's easier to blame Cas. If you're really squinting at the circumstances and considering Dean's propensity for stories and reading, it's even easy to be suspicious of Cas.

Mary's dead. Jack's dead. They didn't do "mostly well" with this obstacle course, with this game of Mouse Trap.

In Dean's mind, they have resoundingly lost.

//

Cas is trying to offer support, gently, saying "We're real." Because he went through this moment waaay back in season 4 with Heaven. Back then, it was Dean who snapped Cas out of it and helped him wrestle with Heaven's authority and what's really real:

DEAN: Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn? ... 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. ...This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it. ... Look at me! (DEAN grabs CASTIEL’s shoulder and turns CASTIEL back to face him) You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this...Help me -- now. Please.

4x22

They're almost the same scene.

Cas can't bring up that families are real because their family just died—a whole big freakin' chunk of it, and it's too painful. So, instead of "families are real," we get "we're real." But Cas is effectively calling back Dean's own words.

Absolutely, it is mirroring 4x22.

Dean has become season 4 Cas, conflicted, horrified with himself, not knowing what's real, and seeming to make all the wrong moves. This is the soldier's burden, now unsure of the cause (and "we're real" IS the through-line for every soldier-coded character from vintage SPN all the way to terminal-season- Eileen.)

Dean charges Cas with being "the thing that goes wrong" because (1) he's rightfully suspicious of all things Chuck-adjacent and (2) Dean feels like he's the thing going wrong in big ways right now. That everything he does is for nothing.

Dean "choked" at the worst possibly time with AU Michael, back during The Spear in 14x09, and it devastated him. AU Michael said as much:

Michael Dean: To break him, to crush and disappoint him so completely that, this time, he'll be nice and quiet for a change -- buried. And he is. He's gone. 

For Dean, that moment has a clear path to THIS moment. And this is where he finds himself now, choking again with regards to Chuck.

It's devastating.

EDIT: I like this, because it's a little-discussed complicating factor in the trial separation, but it's a huge part of it, too: that Dean chose Chuck's plan, even for a moment.

It's a guilt Dean carries but will not easily admit, and for Cas, it's just painful. Painful because Chuck should have been a loved one to trust, but he was a piece of shit with ill intentions... and painful because Dean couldn't see it immediately.

BUT they did show amazing resilience, even in the face of all of it. We have to remember that, even after Mary died, even after Dean said Cas was dead to him, they stayed together, in the same house, speaking to one another.

When Mary was burning on the pyre, Cas was ready to run and try to take Dean in his arms (Sam stopped him). Chuck had to try to interfere directly to engineer a separation. Even after Jack, they were sticking like glue as they ran from the graveyard, then saying "thank you" and "welcome" to one another when dealing with the zombies. At a time when they should've been oil and water, they were trying to find a way to be around one another and leech much-needed support from the other. It was Belphagor that drove the biggest wedge. Then The levee broke after the burning of Jack's body and the loss of Rowena.

(And even after that levee broke, they swam to one another later in the season. As The Trap shows us, found new purpose together right up until Claire Novak died.)

[honoreddove]

I hate 14x19 "Jack in the Box" with a passion

Arguably the worst scene in Supernatural was Sam and Dean trying to lock Jack in the Mal'ak Box in 14x19. First of all, it felt deeply ooc for Dean. They've been building up Jack as his essentially adopted son, as a part of the family. Dean being upset about Mary's death is 100% warranted, but literally the main theme of the show is that the Winchesters will go above and beyond to save and protect their family. But Dean wanting to lock Jack in the Mal'ak box, something he had *literal nightmares* about when he considered locking himself in there?

If the plan had been to put Jack in there until they could find a way to regenerate his human soul, that might be something Dean would do. But he was planning on keeping Jack in there for eternity. Dean would never do that, unless he doesn't consider Jack family, which would essentially make all the father/son bonding we have seen completely irrelevant. Like them going fishing like John and Dean used to do? Why even put that in there, then? Then Sam just... agrees to it? Like he tries to mildly argue about it, but that's it??? It's not even from a place of anger and hurt about Mary dying, it feels like he's doing it because he's entirely resigned about Jack and helping him. But Sam having hope is a huge and important part of late season Supernatural. He constantly tells Dean not to give up, that they will find a way, especially when Dean says he might have to lock himself in there, but now he's just "well, can't do anything now" and that's it? And when they try to get Jack to go into the box, they just become really bad at lying, especially Sam? THEY'VE LIED LITERALLY THEIR WHOLE LIVES. Sam has lied to so many people. And you can't tell me it was because he didn't actually want to do it or because he cared about Jack, because then he would have actually put up a fight. It was so weird considering what they were trying to do with Sam in the later seasons.

If we want to keep locking Jack in a box for eternity as something that Dean would actually do, it would have been much more in character for them to have an argument about it. Both agree that Jack is dangerous, that something needs to be done, but they disagree on how to handle it. Dean wants to do the equivalent of killing Jack, while Sam holds out hope. Both of them are angry at each other, and Sam immediately drops himself into research and finding a way to get Jack out of there, while Dean probably drinks.

And then there's Cas who's just... upset about the situation, but doesn't do anything. Which, also, ooc for Cas. Like you literally fled from the Winchester's when Kelly was pregnant with him, you have shown your capability to rebel against them too, but now that they locked your son in a box for eternity, you're somehow just like >:( and that's it?? Cas would have tried to bust the box open as soon as he heard of it, and would have beat Dean and Sam's ass for even trying that shit.

This entire episode was just the writers trying to make all the characters "betray" Jack so he would listen to Lucifer. Even if that forced them to act completely different to how they would. It's genuinely the worst scene in the show, in my opinion, because it manages to butcher literally every character and theme they've been trying to build up.

[bloodsalted]

he comes to a complete stop after being shoved back. hand holding fast to cas in a vice grip. the inky black nothing towering in front of cas takes shape. anger boils up in his stomach. makes his hands shake with how hard and fast it hits him. HOW DARE IT TRY TO STOP THEM? cas is not it's possession. cas doesn't belong here. CAS BELONGS WITH HIM. no matter what the shit is coming out of the image of billy's mouth. because that is what it is. only an image. nothing more. "bullshit you are." and he starts to trudge forward. the gash on his hand drips, hits the pitch black and turns golden yellow before beaming up into brilliantly bright blue white.

dean stumbles as he's pushed forward unexpectantly. oh hell no! panicked green eyes dart from billy to the black ocean of empty coming for them. to the tendrils that wrap around his ankles that make him fall. then to the blackness that oozes through his fingers. those hands belong on him. not in that muck. those hands mean everything to dean. those hands are his salvation. HIS SALVATION. in more ways than being raised from perdition. those hands comforted him. comforted them echoes a feeling inside of his body, his mind. his soul. JACK.

'you don't belong here.' castiel begs.

"please, please don't let me down jack. i need you," dean can be seen murmuring under his breath. that's when something in him swells up. warm and bright and consuming every piece of who he is. even the parts he loathes. the ones that have tortured. murdered. lied. and cheated. the ones that've put his loved ones in pain. that've hurt people he never meant to. it rolls through them and dean's eyes roll back. before they snap forward. glowing brilliantly golden and blue. the color of paradise. of their boy who is now EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE.

"neither do you!" dean hits his hands and knees as light swallows up his gaze. seeps from his hand with the cut first. then his opposite hand ignites. the pitch black reflects it at first. but then begins to be swallowed by it. until there's no darkness left. only light. it's then that the empty does it's worst to castiel. as it rolls back, it rips from him that same light. taunting him that if he is to be with them, then it will keep the part of him that makes him holy. but every piece of ooze that touches the now HUMAN castiel rolls back. while dean seems to emanate the very radiance that has blotted out the darkness like heaven's sun. the wound. his hand. his eyes and mouth as parted lips hang open.

"take him with you, castiel. but go. run! don't leave us here! we NEED you." then the world goes white before dean's eyes. cas fades from view in it before he falls limp into the sky hued brilliance. the gate is open. the way is clear. the oil and hate. pitch and despair cannot return as long as this love and light remain. but dean's out for the count with those words echoing in castiel's mind. we need you.

                                IT'S THE KISS THAT PROVES TO CASTIEL: THIS IS REAL. It's not a cruel trick to torture him even more, to give him hope just to see it squashed again. The Empty doesn't know love or adoration, it cannot possibly fathom what it's like to cherish another being so much you're willing to give up everything for them. But Castiel does, and Dean does as well, and his love and joy bleeds into the kiss, sends a sharp thrill of heat through Castiel's body, and quickly warms his chilled limbs that are still stuck in the unforgiving grip of the Empty. 

                            He opens his eyes again, not remembering when they fell shut during the kiss. His smile is bright when he sees Dean and lingering beneath that, Jack. They came for him. His family. They'll get him out of here, and then they'll be happy. But the Empty is not a foe that surrenders quickly. Even while Jack's voice echoes in his mind, Castiel can feel it tightening its grip around him. He pushes against it, uses his hope to fight against the shackles until he manages to slip free. Tar is still sticking to his coat, weighing him down. He struggles out of the long sleeves, shrugging it off, and then staggers forward, grasping for Dean's hand again. One last glance back, a pang of regret: He's grown ridiculously attached to the trench coat over the years, but it's just that: a piece of clothing. It doesn't matter.

                           Dean pushes him along. There's a bright light in the distance, a tear in reality: the portal Dean and Jack must have come through. Castiel runs toward it, hand staying curled around Dean to not lose him in the vast, empty space. Then, all of a sudden, black goo spills from the ground in front of him. He stops, pushes Dean back again. The mass rears up and falls down a second later, leaving a familiar face in its wake. "Now, where do you think you're going?" Billy mocks, but it isn't Billy; it's the Empty using an especially cruel vessel. "If you two can't be separated, fine. Then I'll keep both of you here."

                             Panic grips Castiel. He can't let that happen, can't let the Empty get Dean and Jack. He pushes at the hunter, bodily shoving him around the hauntingly grinning entity. The light — they just have to make it toward the portal. Castiel doesn't care if he'll make it, but he'll be damned if he doesn't ensure the love of his life and his son make it out of here. "Go, go, go," he gasps, fear gripping his heart. The black goo comes after them in waves, bubbling and churning like an ocean of boiling water. One tendril darts forward, curls around Castiel's ankle, and yanks; he falls to his knees with a yelp. As soon as his hands connect with the ground to support himself, the goo is upon him, oozing up between his fingers and crawling up his wrists and knees, as strong as iron shackles. "Go," Castiel pleads. "Please, you can't stay here. You don't belong here."

[verobatto]

Look at me.

Destiel feelings!

Destiel meta. TFW meta. Meta spec. 15x17 meta.

Hello my friends! Tonight's episode had been a real roll coaster, i will try to convey here is just one analysis all the thoughts and feelings I had while watching it, put the clown mask on.

The purge, the purity

The idea of resetting the world, to come back at the beginning, to put everything where it's belong, as an image of PURGE or Purity, or trying to rewrite history, is on the air since season 14 with the apparition of Michael!Dean and his idea of purity.

The orchid in Amara's hands means purity, just like the ring AUMichael carried, or the picture in Amara's room in episode 15x03: Vishnu. As I told you in my meta here, she was linked with this goddess, the hindi goddess Vishnu, who has orchids in her image.

So the idea of purge the world, is the idea of Chuck of the end. But is not gonna happen.

Jack is like Cas, Sam and Dean. But mostly, like Dean.

Jack is the representation of unity. He conveys in his own self light and darkness, Heaven, Humanity and Hell, but he also is DEAN, SAM AND CAS in one.

The writers had shown in previous episodes how Jack mirrored each one's mannerisms.

But Jack will always look at Dean to take decisions. Because Castiel considers Dean his role model. So, when Jack says to Dean: I'm like you, for the second time, he said it in episode 14x07 before dying, just like now, driving baby, remember? Dean's dad mode came back again, BUT, Dean understands is the only way: SELF SACRIFICE PATH had always been the way Dean Winchester sees the solution. Not this time.

Lie to manipulate: Billie and Chuck

The same manipulative speech we heard from Billie to TFW and now the Empty, it was like hearing Chuck talking, and this time, God used that speech again to convince his sister to be one with him.

Remember when I said I didn't like hearing Billie talking like that? And that she gave me goosebumps? Okay, I think I was right, because she's the other Villain.

Destiel mirror

Adam, the first man, a representation of HUMANITY dressed in green, was lovey dovey with Seraphine, an ang dressed in pink and blue (happiness and Cas).

Is this maybe the last Destiel mirror we will see?

It proves they went against Heaven's rules, just like Cas, but they went way forther than that. The kissing and intimacy they showed shamelessly in front of Dean and Jack, was just because the freedom from an angel choosing to be romantically involved with a human, breaking the Sacred Oath, is possible. So Dean was watching that with round eyes. I know he was learning it wasn't impossible to have that kind of intimacy with an angel.

The chalice and the Sacrifice

When Sam and Cas were searching for the key to open Billie's library, both of them touched the chalice. The chalice is a representation of sacrifice, the last dinner, in which Jesus ate with his apostles for last time. It carries the blood of Christ that saved humanity. So, my meta spec brain went, okay, Cas is gonna "die" or Sacrifice himself in episode 15x18, but Sam?

And then I recalled my other spec about DEAN REMAINING ALONE at some point in the show, remember how many times I repeated this in season 14? So... Then is Sam gonna die again? And then Dean saving us all with that thing about the reset button? A second chance against Chuck? Let's see.

Gif set credit @supernaturaldaily 👇

The angel with a crack in his chassis, and the one who gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition.

Why did Chuck say this? Just like Michael, who mocked Cas and Dean, and just like everyone who mocked Cas and Dean's relationship, Chuck did it too.

Chuck hates Castiel because he can't write his steps, the angel that never obey or never follow the script. He showed us that with these words too.

Chuck KNOWS about their love that transcends it all. And like Amara and Dean, he didn't write about it. Because they're real.

But, but, but IS IMPORTANT. Is another call back to DEAN AND CAS PROFOUND BOND.

Is a reminder of their lace. Is gonna be very important at the end of it. Is gonna be pivotal to save Castiel. Dean will find him again. But this time they will be like one.

Because when Chuck was convincing Amara to be one with him, he promised her balance, but mostly, PEACE AND HAPPINESS FOR THE ETERNITY. BE ONE.

Is the same Amara wanted with Dean, but but, is also another clue for my Destiel End Game spec: SHARING VESSEL.

Destiel Looks

Everytime Sam said something very meaningful tryng to convince Dean to not follow Billie's orders, the scene was mixed with the manipulative speech from Chuck to Amara, to show us the difference between TRUTH and LIES. But also, to show us how Dean looked at Cas and Cas looked at Dean.

When Sam mentioned EILEEN IS GONNA DIE AGAIN. Dean watched his angel. He doesn't want that to happen again, because he would be a dead too with him.

Then Sam says, will you trade me? And Dean looks at Cas again.

Your whole life you protected me: Here, Sam is calling out The Big Protector, is time to Dean to relay on other, to trust in Sam, in Cas. He needs to abbandon that weight on his shoulder of always being the one sacrificing, or giving his life, or protecting everyone. The Big Protector idea, built by his father in Dean's mind, needs to go and die. They're a family, they're all heros.

WhenDean said JACK IS NOT FAMILY, it was his way to mentally avoid the fact they're gonna lose their child again. He needed to put Jack in that position, in the NOT FAMILY place, because it hurts too much for him, and for everyone, to lose the kid.

But truth can't be avoided. Dean can't avoid the fact Jack is family, he can't avoid the fact Sam is a grown up man who can come out with the perfect plan, a second chance, a second way to do things, he can't avoid the fact HE IS IN LOVE WITH CASTIEL. Just like Dean is facing each spot in his mind, letting the truth to enlight them, he will face the fact HE LOVES HIS ANGEL. And then, we will have our so waited I LOVE YOU, in the precise time he will need to say it to save him.

To Conclude:

This episode showed us Billie is the other Villain, so, they need to find another way.

Destiel is coming, next episode we are gonna die, but then we will relive when Dean and Cas find each other again, in one vessel, to share their lives for eternity.

And if this doesn't happen, then I will write a fic to all of you.

Love you! See you soon!

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @destielshipper221b @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @thislunarkiss @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires, October 29th 2020, 11:02 PM

[the-messedup-priorities-so-far]

sticker fic:

brought to you by the sticker ficcers, @xojo​ and @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover​.

the narrated version:

"Morning, Sunshine." Says Dean. "Some coffee?"

"SCREW YOU." Says Sam. His glorious hair is wet.

"How dare you!" Says Dean. His mouth's the O-shape of offense. He's also putting on the dead guy robe for some reason.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Sam bitchfaces. In his eyes, is a glint which says, as he does - blah, blah, blah, blah. Then, he casts down his gaze. "Well, you are kinda butch."

Dean's eyes widen. His eyebrows don't rise. Instead of surprised, he looks shocked. Then he smirks, and quickly grows a stubble. With completely black eyes, he says. "I'm a demon."

Crowley appears, smirking. "Hello, boys."

"ASSBUTT." Castiel bellows. 

No one had known he was there.

"What's wrong with you?" Says Crowley, after quickly growing a stubble as well.

Castiel folds his arms. It makes the trenchcoat look fitted. You know, like a liar.

"Are you okay?" Sam asks, tucking his hair behind his ear at supersonic speed. No one knows when it happened. But he's Sam Fucking Winchester, so they know it did.

"I don't know!" Dean scratches his ear. He does not know the question was for Castiel. He makes his eyes as sad as they can be - and they can be impressively sad. One eyebrow strays up, floating on a cloud of misery. "I never was."

Sam looks alarmed in a V-neck. 

This is important information. Absolutely integral.

"Cat's out." Says Cas. He's rude, because his lips do a rude thing. And because of what he said. His eyes mock tragedy.

"Shut your face." Dean points. Pointing is rude. He does it anyway. While he does it, Sam grows bangs. "Oh god."

He lies down on the floor.

"Don't say that to me." Says Sam, with dimples of depression. He buries his face in his hands. Must feel pretty, the author conjectures.

"Come on." Dean says. He's frowning, and on a park bench. He looks closer with concentration and develops a double chin. Then he gels his hair really quickly and adds. "You look like a baby."

"SCREW YOU." Says Sam. His hair is wetter. His head is wet as well. Then he dries it with a whoosh no one notices, and looks away in disdain. He is in an open collared shirt. The author hopes you take note of these plot points carefully.

Dean shrieks.

Dean cries at a mirror.

Dean scowls, unimpressed. Ironically, his scowl is impressive. Moreover, it deages him.

Cas shrieks too. His eyes scream horrifiedness. His nostrils flare. You could see his molars, if you tried. The author tries.

Dean looks at a corner. "I don't even care anymore."

Charlie pokes her head out of a yellow car. Not enough is visible to be ugly, but readers are advised to assume it's ugly. "What's up bitches?" She's wearing a seatbelt. Gays are awesome.

"Kind of in the middle of something." Says Dean. His forehead has creases which have no right being pretty. They're pretty.

"I know. I was surprised too." Says Cas.

No one knows what he means.

Sam, suddenly lit in a green light, shows that he doesn't know what he means. He doesn't wait for an explanation, and raises his hand. "That's enough, uh yeah, thanks."

Sam is rude, beautifully.

The author is very helpful with pointing out plot points, as ever.

"You done?" Says Claire and her french braid.

Chuck is there now. He has an extremely white mug. It could have coffee inside. It could also have poison. The author does not identify as a journalist, and is not required to be unbiased.

"Do you have any bacon?" Says Chuck. He has curls. They hide the evil under.

"No." Jack says, blank faced for some reason. "You back off. Old man."

"Back off." Says Sam, in a slightly greater font size. One (1) lock of hair strays from his perfect mane, and falls on his face. It's still perfect, the author assures. Then Sam quickly gets shot, and his forehead pierced with metal rods. It's clearly for the vibe. Because Sam says, "I will destroy you." He does not say it periodlessly.

"Yeah. That's right." Says Jack. He pouts, because he's right. He can, because he's Jack.

Sam looks proud of him with a spotted blue tie and shiny, conditioned hair.

The author loves him very much.

part two, if you're the kind of person who wants it:

Rowena purses her lips, ending up with dimples of discontent.

"Balls!" Bobby cries out. Then he takes off his cap for some reason before adding, "Were you ever nice?"

"Shut up!" Dean yells over his shoulder. He fixes her with an offended stare - as if not shutting up would be offensive on her part.

"I hate to interrupt." Says Rowena, interrupting. "What the hell is this?" She looks appalled. Perhaps she's realized she just interrupted.

He's excellent at delivering backhanded insults like that. The author is proud of his newfound subtlety.

"Gun. Mouth. Now." Dean simply reaffirms Bobby's accusation - because he's awesome like that. "Shut your face." He also says, pointing at them all, to further illustrate his paternal figure's point.

Crowley plants his chin in his palm, and looks at the floor with an unreadable (the author swears she tried) glint in his eyes. "Kill me." Perhaps they're tears.

"Oh, they don't miss me." Cas lets out, matter-of-factly, as he sips from his teacup of coffee.

"I think this was just a minor misunderstanding." Sam steps in, and brings puppy bangs with him to solidify his statement.

The author tries and fails to survive staring at them.

Dean clicks his tongue, and manages to resemble a squirrel to a T. Or an S. Everyone's entitled to spell words differently, English is a weird language.

Sam looks at Dean, irritated. "Make it stop." He grits out, clenching his jaw. He's replaced the bangs with sideburns. They have more potential to seem irritated.

"Maybe." Cas pouts, inexplicably.

"What?" Dean sounds positively aghast - but it's toned down from the years of practise from being in the poetic kind of love with the only angel in the world for him - and thus, only shows up in his eyes.

"You don't understand." Cas picks up a salesboy by his collar. He's so whimsical, the author completely gets why Dean's head over heels for him. Cas keeps everyone - especially salesboys who don't get him pie - on their toes.

"You look like a baby." Dean informs him, all laugh-lines and dimples. "Okay, all right." He says next, gruff, trying to smoothen out the curve of seeming like a goner for Cas.

Cas shoots him a discouraging look. "Ouch." He bites his bottom lip, and closes his eyes - and everyone in a seven mile radius ends up pregnant.

True story.

Also, Narendra Modi shows up, namaste-ing the phenomena that is Cas.

"Shhhhit!" Cas squints. He knows a thing or two about horrible, prejudiced political leaders, from an alternate universe Cas's experiences.

"Oh god." Sam adds, regrowing bangs really quickly.

Modi whispers into his phone, eyes trepidly on everyone in the room, and a hand covering his mouth.

Dean stares, unimpressed. Or so it seems until he says, "You gotta teach me how to do that."

Modi shoots the universal gesture for OK at him.

"I will stab you in your face." Dean declares, with parted hair and an office tie. "I'm gonna get my gun." Now he's got sleep-floofed hair and the dead guy robe. Threatening Dean Winchester sure is impressive like that.

(Maybe he'd wanted to learn right away, and took Modi's OK as dismissal.)

(Meh.)

"Maybe you could be a little less... Lord-ly?" Sam cuts in, with his best lawyer impression. Nobody's sure who it's directed to - Dean, the Indian PM, Cas even? - but it doesn't matter because his eyebrows curve like parentheses of reasonability, hair tucked completely behind his ears - and everyone listens to this Sam.

"OKAY." Dean mumbles, sticking a needle in a doll. Or so, the author assumes he's doing.

Sam stares at him blankly for a beat, and then sighs into a smile. His hair's now long enough to curl magnificently at his neck. "You're too precious for the world." He strangles out, basically choking on the sentiment as he grabs Dean, and smushes him into a hug.

Cas smirks, smug.

"Oh, you." Sam pulls back enough to suddenly be in a maroon cardigan as he gazes at his brother through spectacled eyes of adoration.

Dean pulls him in then, bringing Sam down to his height - and Sam's hair escapes the ponytail grandly enough to fall over his face in perfect, messy locks.

The author's already weak heart stutters in her chest, and proceeds to give up entirely.

"Oh. No." Cas exclaims. Probably not for the author, but it's a sweet, borderline necromance-y coincidence. And then, unexplanably, he tilts his head and furrows his brow. "The whore."

Dean sighs, and facepalms. Sam changes into a grey button-up, and looks away into the distance.

The author daydreams too hard about being looked at like that, and loses it entirely.

Fin.

[theearlybookworm]

I find this so interesting.

Ok so Dean now knows Jack has to sacrifice himself. Castiel confided in him before he split even though Jack asked him not to tell Sam or Dean.

Here Sam is asking why Cas split again.

Dean makes this face when he lies and says he has no idea.

But then Sam pushes further

"did you two have a fight?" And Dean says no he just split

"just Cas being Cas" and his tone turns bitter. So bitter. And he can't keep it off his face either

Poor Dean. Even though he really does know why Cas is gone this time, there have been so many times when Cas has left him- often with no warning or explanation- and Dean always always wants Cas to stay. So they can work it out together. Whatever the problem is Dean wishes Cas would stay. But Dean doesn't want to have to beg for it. He thinks if he begs then it won't be real. Right at the point where it seems nothing ever has been real.

He wants to feel like Cas is choosing to stay. But because he won't say it, Cas doesn't realise how badly he wants it.

Don't you wish they would just ✨communicate✨

[lest-we-be-liars]

My Family Can't Even With My Dramatic Ass: SPN 15x09

Y'all...that was...that was so much. Let me tell you. I was making noises through that episode that I didn't even know I could make. My children were concerned for my well being. My mother in law over heard me while she was on the phone with my husband and asked if I was hurt (answer: emotionally, yes) and who the hell Chuck was and why he was a sick SOB. I was on my knees at one point. From beginning to end, it had my heart racing. I'm just....

The acting:

Shoshannah

I felt her pain when she had to cut Sam! I felt that!!! I felt her regret! I felt her disdain towards chuck. I felt her conflict of not knowing what was real!

Jared

You beautiful beast, you. Every moment of realization and revelation was CLEAR AS DAY. This man had an emotional rollercoaster throughout this episode. Hope, pain, regret, defiance, loss, indecision....and even when he was tied to a chair it SHOWED! His facial expressions were on point! I live! Glorious as always, my dude!

Rob

Can we please talk about how this man has, probably, the hardest, most controversial job in network television right now. He has to make you hate God. GOD! And he is killing it! Like, he is such a quirky loveable person, but I want his character to burn. That's skill. I feel so uncomfortable when chuck is on screen. I feel so uneasy, like that " walking alone at night in a bad neighborhood" feeling. Just *chef kiss* bravo.

Misha

I know a lot of people don't like him. A lot of people rag on his acting saying 'Castiel only has like 3 emotions/faces'. But when you look at the actor vs the character...Misha is a very expressive person. He is energetic and dramatic and high pitched and his face is always expressive and pretty much he is the opposite of Castiel. Setting aside the fact that he's played like 8 different characters on the show and you can tell which one by facial expressions alone, the fact that this man has been playing a character that is so opposite of who he really is for so long and still keeps people intrigued speaks volumes about his skill. He was wonderful as always in this episode and that is my opinion and I'm sorry you can't change my mind.

Jensen

Give this man ALL of the awards! This whole damn season! Just *incoherent fangirl screeching* From his concern for Sam, to his panic, the TEARS, the confidence with Chuck, his pain over losing Cas, the resignation....I felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable because I felt like I was watching a real human being go through all of that. He made me feel like I was watching someone's actual life unfold. You, Jensen, are an artist! Like hot holy damn! I'm basically just still sitting in awe over it. I cant even...jut... flrubergurbermlehlefleh!

The Writing:

Phenomenal. Nuff said.

The episode itself:

Sam, Chuck, and Eileen

I can't handle the pain. When chuck had Eileen cut Sam....nope, no, uh uh, not okay. I was cussing out a fictional character. Out loud. People heard me. Big mad.

Chuck manipulating the Sam/Eileen relationship? I have some not so positive feelings about this. Like, the man has suffered enough. Let hi. Have something good for once without sticking your dirty little fingers in it.

Chuck physically torturing Sam and expecting it to break him? Ha! Dude has had his foot bruleed! One scalpel ain't gonna cut it. Why is he still defiant. Because he's Sam f***ing Winchester.

That first future clip hurt. I like Claire.

That second one made me panic. All I could think was "why is Cas gone?"

The third one though....Sam packing up to head out and Dean coming in defeated. I have so many thoughts and feelings. This is the point I was on my knees. Because Sam was trying to keep the faith. Present Sam was convinced Chuck was showing him lies, because Dean was giving up. But the part that is haunting me, aside from the fact that we learn, Donna, the girls, Eileen and pretty much everyone except Jody and Bobby are gone, is one single pronoun. I. Dean didn't say "we had to bury Cas". He said "I". Where was Sam when all this happened? Why was Dean the one who had to bury him? Alone! Cas is Sam's friend too.How Fucking strong and Terrifying was Cas with the mark that a damn Ma'lek box was the only solution?! Also angel knight of hell demon wtf flerbergerber...IWANTTOKNOWWHATHAPPENDANDHOWALLTHATWENTDOWNOMFC!!!!!

Chucks whole "oh, oh no Dean, don't go out that door...." bs made me rage

Vamp!bros? That's the end? Really?! REALLY?!

The monster taking over the world if chuck is gone? Idk....I don't know if I believe that. Sam might. I don't.

Sam losing his hope...hurt.

Sam losing Eileen because she doesn't know what is real...hurt.

Chuck having his powers back...hurt.

This while storyline just fucking hurt.

Cas and Dean

Cas telling Dean to stop being stupid?! I'm sorry what?! Like, my reaction was similar to Dean's. Like just...well okay then. Go off!

Cas calling the shots about staying together? Go off!!

Nonverbal communication had to happen considering they both know they were being followed but the leviathan didn't know they knew

And it just proves that, even when they're fighting they are still in sync.

Benny!!!😭😭😭

"I left, but you didn't stop me." Kill me.

Cas getting trapped and Dean getting knocked out. Ugh.

That PRAYER!!!!!

Dean apologized?! What?! WHAT?!

Dean acknowledged his anger issues?!

"You're MY best friend." "Of course I forgive you." *hyperventilating*

My guy fell to his knees!

That is WAY more than a single man tear! That was sobbing. There was snot! He was begging. My GOD!

The reunion. That hug. Cas lead the leviathan away from Dean to keep him safe, AGAIN! "I heard your prayer." BFFL STATUS ACHIEVED!

Watching Cas agree to take on the mark made me nervous

They're nonverbal communication coming in again, storming the casino.

Dean decking Chuck made me chuckle. I didn't like chuck returning the favor. Dean's speech to chuck after finding out about the memories. "Not this Sam. Not this Dean."

Dean didn't blow up at Sam. He has acknowledged his anger and is working on it. THAT'S CHARACTER GROWTH MY FRIENDS!

Finishing each others sandwiches 😊

TFW IS BACK BABY!

Billie and Jack

Jack!!!!!!!

Wtf is it time for?!?!?!?!

Just a wonderful painful/relieving episode. 9.6/10. I have no idea where this is going....and I LOVE it!