#and well. that's because I didn't start drawing properly until I was like. 11 years old. and I was super into something else then ehe ^^;

[anothermonikan]

Ponee (It is half 3 in the morning)

[fafodill]

can we talk about the dynamic of snape with non-magical muggle partner?

I feel like he’d have a deep fear of repeating the same mistakes eileen did with his dad but also get irrationally upset at the fact that tobias’ actions had that much of an impact into his own personal relationships whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not

It's interesting because we often headcanon Snape as hating his father and not wanting to drink or being physically violent because of him.

The truth is, we have no idea how he felt towards his parent's marriage. If I'm not mistaken this all we have:

-a hook-nosed man was shouting at a cowering woman, while a small dark-haired boy cried in a corner.

“How are things at your house?” Lily asked. A little crease appeared between his eyes. “Fine,” he said. “They’re not arguing anymore?” “Oh yes, they’re arguing,” said Snape. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. “But it won’t be that long and I’ll be gone.” “Doesn’t your dad like magic?” “He doesn’t like anything, much,” said Snape.

It may have been more nuanced that 'he hated his father and pitied his mother/was angry at her'. He certainly was anxious about his home life - as his memories in The Prince's Tale tell us - since it must have been a really stressful environment (and that he clearly maybe felt as if his father didn't like him) and his mother may have been doing some of the yelling too, but apart from some silent physical cues, canon tells us nothing.

What we know is that at the very least Eileen stayed with Tobias for 11 years. And since Severus inherited the house from his parents, she might have stayed there until her death (would he have kept the house had she left earlier? unknown but maybe less likely even tho at the end of the day the point of him keeping it is that he's stuck to his roots).

I would argue that he may have taken his sense of loyalty from his mother. Whether he understood/approved of his parent's marriage or not is irrelevant. He grew up witnessing his mother staying with his father through thick and thin -> so his absolute loyalty towards Lily (that some people don't understand) stems from this in my humble opinion.

Now, what if he found himself with a muggle partner?

Honestly... it's hard to say. Romantic relationships may be a blind spot for him so how much comparisons he would draw is truly a wild guess. I see two options:

Either he's paranoid from the get go and wouldn't entertain a relationship where his spouse might in any way be resentful or jealous of him being able to do magic. And also he'd stay mindful of the relationship not cutting him off from the wizarding world.

Or the first time they argue really loudly and his partner says something really similar to something his father said to his mother, he'd be hit with flashbacks and gets really triggered. And seriously reconsider the relation and its terms.

And if the relationship is healthy beyond that, I think he'd indeed be really annoyed at how strong of a reaction he might have in these moments. I imagine him either blowing up or completely closing off and retreating in another room and needing a lot of time to untangle his feelings.

He wouldn't want to exhibit his father's temper in this situation. He'd hate himself. But he'd also hate letting himself being demeaned or tied down in any way by his partner either. These could be really difficult to navigate and let his partner feeling lonely or shut off if they can't say certain things (that may be valid btw) to him or aren't properly explained why he's reacting this way.

If the relation is becoming toxic tho, I think the tipping point for Severus - despite his absolute loyalty (which would become a problem for him as well and he'd struggle a lot - without a proper support system to help him - to consider leaving his partner) - would be if he started struggling to perform magic.

It's pure headcanon about Eileen here, but we do know that some witches and wizard have seen their powers diminished under emotional duress.

And I think Severus would struggle to leave his s/o if he wasn't in a healthy relationship but loosing some of his magic would be absolutely unacceptable.

[megidoreyn]

Heyyy it's about the art questions

I would like to know your answer in 18 (the purpose) and 22 (artspiration).

I would also ask 3 but I'd completely understand if you prefer not to answer

The rest are already answered

Hope you have a great month. ;D

Hey there! Thanks for the questions!

⭐️3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand

→ It was a real trip down memory lane to look back on some of these, but here's a sample of some old things from 2021-early 2022! (Prior to posting on social media in Aug 2022) Back then, I didn't have any real incentive to improve my art outside of drawing quick sketches like the pictures above. I had issues being cleanly (due to lack of motivation), committing to learning character details, and more LOL. →Fun fact, I drew on a very tiny 11 inch screen 4GB RAM laptop with horrible color calibration for about 3 years until finally getting something better in early 2022 too LOL. It might be noticeable in some of the above pictures with the color choices being a little too light or too saturated, LOL.

→As also seen at the bottom of this post, It might come as a surprise that I also draw fanart for my favorite assorted fandoms outside of megaten too, LOL. I just never post it in public since they're meant as warm-up doodles!

To be honest, 2020 thru late 2022 was a very low point in my life. I had given up on all creative endeavors at the time due to: My career, being diagnosed with a bodily issue of which the effects I still deal with even today, and other personal issues.

It truly wasn't until late 2022 (when I started posting online) that I truly felt confident picking up my tablet pen again and view art in a more positive light…!

NGL I had written out my entire life story here but ended up deleting it--it would have made this post terribly long regardless LOL💦 Perhaps it'll be a story for another time, though!!🙏 And it absolutely has to do with why the Samurai husbands mean lot to me!

⭐️18. What is your purpose for drawing?

→ That's a good question! For me, (especially due to my visual agnosia) it'd have to be the ability to draw whatever comes to mind with skill and precision. To not hold back and draw whatever comes into your mind's eye without fear or hesitation from others (or your own critical inner voice)… And to be able to properly convey the meaningful themes of your work as clearly as they come into your mind... That, to me, is true freedom.

➡️As for BL content: Despite not posting much of it in public (yet), my purpose in drawing BL (or OTP content in general) is to transmit feelings of love + warmth in my art! To depict tenderness, warmth, and love with affectionate, natural-looking body language to make it as believable + realistic as possible...That's always been my goal! →The world is a scary place out there. Though, if my OTP content can make someone feel a slight glimmer of peace, tranquility, or even hope to keep moving forward...then I'll be incredibly happy!🙏💕 It's always my intention to convey nothing but sweet wholesome vibes and warmth with my pictures, and I truly hope that feeling comes across too. ➡️I'll be super candid and say I actually really enjoy angst and raunchy content as much as everyone else! But drawing wholesome + sweet characters in love just comes much sooo much easier and naturally as breathing to me, LOL. Just because I don't post angst or raunchy things, doesn't mean I dislike it! ☝️

⭐️22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

→ I tend to gravitate towards professional artists with thick painting (厚塗り) coloring styles, dynamic illustrations, and artists that have a strong grasp of anatomy, character design and storytelling! It's hard to pick just one, so here's a brief selection of ones that come up at the top of my head right now!

Thanks again for the questions! Have a wonderful January and rest of your 2024 as well!✨🌟

[nerdycanible1]

The Healing Plant.

This is a story of Kya's and Lin's past. Of who gave Kya her betrothal necklace and why Lin has issues. This is my own little story so of course I will not have the facts lol. Also please be warned as this has some explicit content of fire and burns. Along with death. Please don't read if you are sensitive to such things. Please enjoy.

All art is mine.

Lin squeezed her pillow as a tear glided down her cheek. "Her last breath will always haunt my dreams. The echoes of her breath bounce around in my head and I cannot rid of it." Her lip trembled. "How can you forgive me?" She whispered. "I lost the only person dear to you." She whimpered. "I failed you."

Kya looked at Lin with a wince as her heart was still numb. Losing her wife only a few days ago didn't make her feel right. Her hand clenched as the water near them began to freeze. The betrothal necklace around her neck felt as if a million pounds of anvils were on her chest. Lin couldn't save her. Lin couldn't save the only person she has ever cared about. The only soul mate.

Lin was wrapped in bandages as her burn wounds was still raw, tender and still needed a lot of healing. Her hair was disheveled as tears glided down her face, her eyes puffy. Why does she get to cry? Not like she's the one that lost a lover.

"You did fail." Kya says barely above a whisper, clenching her fists. The bright smile Zhi always seemed to save for her. the tender kisses and the affectionate laugh that always made her join in. "How can you let her get hurt?!"

Lin flinched and whimpered. She began to push herself up and winced. "Kya let me explain what h-"

"No!!! Zhi Ruo is gone because of you!! You let her get hurt... you let her die! You let my wife die!!" Lin sniffled and covered her face ashamed. "I thought you were a protector of civilians. Of everyone." The water in the pans, bowls and cups trembled as Kya was getting more and more angry. Her grief getting the best of her.

Lin had no idea Zhi was Kya's wife. She didn't know. She tried to save her but instead she let the woman get killed. Be my wife Kya. I'll always be there for you.

Kya growled as she raised the water above her head ready to hurt Lin. Lin squeezed her eyes shut ready to for the pain but it never came. Instead she felt the ice water plop onto her as she saw Kya's retreating form leave the room.

[11 Years Later]

Lin sat in her apartment drinking her bitter coffee. it was already 3 in the morning and Lin was wearing her tank top. Tenzin breaking up with her after 13 years and Kya never seeing her was a harsh world to be in. Lin was a bitter woman, being the age of 39 and no suiters was not a way to go. Her finger subconsciously running over her burned flesh. The scars were permanent and she still felt the death of Zhi pretty hard. Kya still hasn't forgiven her and it only dawned to her that she may never see the woman again.

She was just finishing her last cup of the night before there was a tentative knock on her front door. She frowned as she looked up at the clock and saw that it was 3:47 am. She stood up with a sigh and stomped her way to the door and opened it up. "What do you wa-" Her words dying in her throat when seeing the waterbender. Lin went rigid when she heard the others words bounce in her head. Your fault! Your FAULT. Kya looked up at Lin with a smile but only furrowed her brows seeing the bad fire wounds on Lin and the look upon her face. "Lin, spirits you chan-"

Lin let out a strained sob and slammed the door in front of her, leaving the waterbender on her porch. Lin stumbled back and her hands trembled as her arm began to burn. "Lin are you okay? Linnie?"

Lin held onto her arm and cursed under her breath. The hurried knocks from Kya was agitating her along with her arm. Her heart ached at the memory. She wanted to explain herself to Kya about the whole situation but all she got was the sad stares from the family. Kya had packed up in the middle of the night and no one knew where she went. Lin growled and walked to the door. She stood up and held her chest up and swung the door open. Kya almost fell forward but began to gather her balance. "Lin-" she breathed in relief but Lin crossed her arms over her chest.

"What is it?" She snapped. Kya flinched hearing the harshness of the of Lin's words. The last time they talked, Lin was goofy and had kinder words. Kya frowned as she gulped and looked at her. "Can I com-"

"No you may not. State your business so I can head to bed. I have a early shift in the morning. Now what is it?"

Kya frowned and looked up at the other as her brows furrowed. "We need to talk. I thought you'd want to see me after I came back." Her heart ached. Just what had happened to her best friend. Lin always had time for her.

"Came back?" She barked. "How long ago was it you were gone? How many letters did you write? How many years?" Lin glared down at the woman and kept her arm from view the best she could. The burn mark was from the mid of her forearm all the up to the mid way of her neck. I burned part of her back and her stomach.

Kya felt her brows draw down as her eyes watered. "I would have... I thought we were over this. Lin that was, I was still a k-"

"Save it. I don't need your words of pity. If there's nothing else then let me head back to sleep." How can I get over it when your words haunt my dreams. The tears and the hate in your eyes. "Lin wa-" Lin didn't give her another chance as she slammed the door in her face.

{TIME SKIP}

It was a few days later before Lin was heading to the island to talk to Katara and Aang. The kids and her may have gotten on the wrong foot but that doesn't mean her and her aunty and uncle were on the bad foot. And she also promised to help them build a new set of stairs to help be easier to go up to the temple. She also wanted to catch up with Bumi till he was deployed again. The two were an unlikely pair but they became really close and were practically best friends.

Once Lin arrived she was greeted by the same acolytes that always greet her. She began to make her way up the make shift stairs and jog up them as she wanted to greet Katara before she got to work. Once she made it to the house she opened the door and ran right into the Waterbender. Lin grunted as she stumbled back and she looked up and was ready to apologize to Katara for running into her until she saw who it was and she stayed quiet. Kya and her were in a stare down before an arm hooked around her shoulders and she was pulled into Bumi's side. Lin groaned as she began to pull herself away from Bumi. "BUMI!!!" She growled as he would chuckle and hold her in his arms.

Kya frowned seeing the two act so familiar to each other. Lin wasn't like that with her. Lin punched him in the gut and he huffed and bent forward with a obnoxious laugh. "Your punch is the same." He grunted.

Lin chuckled and stood there watching as Bumi tried to regain his breath.

Lin chuckled tapped the others shoulder. "As much as I like beating you up Bumi I wanna say hi to your mother." Bumi smiled at Lin and followed after her as if he hadn't got his guts mushed. "Mom made some apple tarts and breakfast."

Lin could feel the others icy glare though she ignored it. She didn't want to talk to her. Her burn was irritating her again, it seemed to always burn around the bad memories and now Kya. Lin was wearing a long sleeved shirt that was a little too hot to wear during the summer but it looked as if it didn't bother Lin.

Once inside Lin greeted her uncle and aunty and hugged them both, though it be a one sided hug it didn't mean any less than love.

Lin listened to them talk while Bumi hung back with Kya. "What's wrong with the both of you? Lin used to always greet you first?" He looked down at his little sister and Kya rolled her eyes.

"Things change Bumi. It's been years since the last we saw each other." Kya muttered as she looked at the police chief. Lin laughed with them and stole a apple tart. Lin always loved sweets and always was spoiled whenever she came over.

"Can you get me some water Lin, I wanna make some tea to go with this." Katara said holding a bowl out to her. Lin smiled and finished swallowing her food before she grabbed the bowl.

"Of course." She began to walk out of the house and Katara made sure the other left the door before Katara threw a spoon at Kya, hitting her squarely on the forehead.

"You were supposed to talk to Lin last night!!" She grumbled. She began to walk towards her. "Why didn't you two talk?!"

Bumi started laughing loudly and holding his stomach as he did so. Kya rubbed her forehead and pouted towards her mother. "Mom let me explain. She slammed the door in my face." Katara glared at her and placed her hands on her hips.

"That shouldn't stop you. You're a master waterbender and you let a door stop you? When I was your age-no younger than you I sliced through a wooden cage with only my sweat. And you let a door stop you." Katara shook her head and went back to cooking. "Now go out there and set it straight." Aang gave his daughter a sympathetic look.

Kya chewed the inside if her cheek before she sighed and walked outside. Leaving Bumi's boisterous laugh inside and went to the well.

Lin grunted as she looked down in the well saw the water. She frowned as she saw the bucket down in the water without the rope tied around it. With a heavy sigh Lin began to crawl inside the well and braced herself against the wall. She began to slowly make her way down into the dark well. "Lin? Lin?" Kya began to look around for the woman and frowned not seeing her. Lin had just grabbed the bucket while she was trying to keep her balance against the wells walls.

With one last look around her grabbed a bucket and used her bending to bring water out of the well. A yelp left the well as Lin got soaked in the ice water and a loud splash was heard as Lin fell into the water. The Well wall wasn't structured properly and the rocks were loose.

Kya dropped the water and ran to the well seeing Lin at the bottom. Lin was floating in the water and Lin was glaring daggers at Kya. "Spirits Lin. You ok-"

Lin grunted and grabbed the wall of the well before she began to earthbend her wait up. Her clothes were all soaked. "Here let me help y-"

Lin swatted her hands away as she crawled out of the well with a huff and stood there letting the water drip off of her. "I'm fine." She knew it was her fault but that didn't mean she wasn't mad. With a heavy sigh, Lin unbuttoned her shirt and pulled it off. Lin was wearing nothing but the wraps around her chest. Lin was muttering sweet words under her breath as she began to take her shoes off.

Kya's eyes raked over her body and brows furrowed. She had no idea how Lin could stand the scars. It must have hurt her so badly. Her fingers subconsciously ran over the wrinkled scars. Lin tensed and went rigid, her body had froze and trembled.

"Zhi!! This is no time for you to act like a hero!! Kya can care for herself!" Lin grasped her arm and began to pull her out of the temple. The smoke was building up in the room, the logs blazing with fire were coming down.

It was only supposed to be a damn house fire but the team got split up and were each ambushed and attacked. Zhi fought against Lin's grip and shoved Lin away. "Shes in trouble! I can feel it!" Lin growled as she grabbed her hand again but Zhi slapped Lin across the face and pointed upwards. Kya was being choked while the man was ready to stab her.

With the burning, stinging sensation on her cheek Lin was ready to slap the other.

The smoke was filling Lin's lungs and she could barely breath. With a quick flick of her arm a rock flew towards the man. Lin didn't see the non bender run off and she continued to distract him from the first floor.

A scream rang in her ears and just like in slow motion she saw the pillar give way and was slowly falling to the ground. Her heart ached as she had to make a hard decision. She knew Kya can care for herself and a second later Lin was using her metal from her suit to hold the pillar up along with her right arm. It felt as if hot boiling, blistering water was being poured on the right side of her body.

A blood curdling scream left Lin's lips as she held the pillar up. She soon saw Zhi under her. The woman looked as white as a ghost but she was still breathing. But what wasn't right was the blood pooling around her. Her breath was shallow and had a small wheeze to it.

Part of the pillar was broken and stabbed the other in the stomach. Even if she did manage to get out from under the wood, the burn Mark's and huge hole in her stomach wouldn't let her live.

Tears filled her eyes as she was losing a friend and there was nothing she could do. With the fire on her skin, cooking her alive she felt as if she was gonna pass out at any given moment.

She clenched her jaw, her breathing getting shallower and shallower. Lin took a deep breath and she clenched her jaw. With all her remaining strength she pushed herself to her feet and lifted the pillar as high as she could. She needed to get her out of here. She couldnt burn in here. With another growl she threw the pillow behind her and lifted the woman in her arms. Her skin felt as if it was melting away.

Shakey, jello-y legs began to carry the woman out. Tears gliding down her cheeks as she could see the light of the door way. The body in her arms slowly getting colder and colder. Her heart barely beating.

"Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive." Lin chanted over and over. "Stay awake." Her sight was growing dimmer and dimmer.

"Tell... Kya I love her." She wheezed. Lin had laid the other a good few feet away from the collapsing house. She smiled and brought her hand up to her cheek. Tears filled her eyes as she stared into Lin's eyes. "Take care of her."

Lin shook her head and clenched onto her hand with trembling fingers. Her hand couldn't even give her strength. "Y-You have to do that. Please. Z-Zhi... please."

Zhi gave her a lightlsmile and caressed her cheek but her strength gave out and her hand dropped. Her head began to lean to the side and her breathing was all she heard. Lin held her hand and stroked it. She couldn't heal her. The least she could do was be there in her last moments. With one last ragged, deep breath she was gone. Lin squeezed her hand as she was losing her best friend. Her tears dropping on her arm.

Lin smacked her hand away and glared at her. "Don't touch me." She didn't yell it, she didn't squeeze her hand. She didn't do anything except utter the words.

But Kya felt all the emotions hit her hard. Feeling her aura felt as if she were in the saddest place on the world. Kya stumbled back and tears filled her eyes.

Lin stared at the other and watched her step back. Her hand pressed against her forearm, feeling the ugly burn marks. "What happened? I-It couldn't have been that bad." Kya breathed as she seemed to have regained herself.

Lin felt her lip raise to a scowl and she grasped the other by the front of her dress and pulled her close. She stared up into her eyes, not even caring for the obvious height difference. "Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD?!" Lin growled as she felt her grip tighten, her fingers going white, the joints in her fingers screamed under the pressure.

"Maybe if you didn't run off in the middle of the night then you would have known what actually happened." She barked. She began to walk forward and Kya took and alternating one back.

"L-Lin."she grimaced as she was shoved back. The little push wouldn't have hurt but the strong fingers of Lin Beifong was no joke. "I was just a kid. I-I just had lost my wife. I-I was hurting." Kya defended herself.

Lin's eyes blazed, the ground beneath them trembled. "Just a kid?" She clenched her jaw and glared at her. "I was a kid too!" She growled. "She was my best friend!" She snapped. The rumble of the Beifong's anger made the stone split. "I... I watched her die." The rumbling suddenly stopped and the broken Beifong stood there. "We were friends before you were her wife." She whispered. "I knew her before you."

Lin took a deep breath and finally looked into her eyes. "It was my fault she died I know t-that." Her voice cracked and she ran a hand over her scars, her nails digging into the scar. The sight made Kya wince.

"I just.... the pillar fell... I ran as fast, as I could." She felt the tear run down her cheek. "She loved you." She whispered. Lin's heart ached as she hung her head and hid her pained face. "She said... she loved you... I-I." She gulped and squeezed her eyes shut. But not me. She didn't... she didnt love me. "How can I let her die. I held the pillar... I made sure it didn't crush her..."

Lin's gut twisted and she turned and looked out to the waterview. "Her last breath hangs in my head, her bright amber eyes are forever burned in my mind."

"Lin I'm so sorry." Kya whispered. She walked over to the other but Lin stepped back. "Lin." She grabbed her by the hand and Lin took a shuttering breath.

"Zhi died. The pillar I held up was on fire, the fire burned so badly and I couldn't even hold it up." Lin looked up at Kya with furrowed brows. "I've never seen someone hate me so much." She gulped and gripped her hand. "For the first time in my life, I saw someone hate me so much you were willing to kill me."

Kya opened her mouth the say something but Lin shut her up with a look. She didn't want Kya to speak. Not at all.

"I know I should've protected her but... it hurt so much." She looked into Kya's eyes and her brows twitched together every now and then. "Why did you blame me for her death?" She whispered. "She was a grown woman and... and she made her own decisions." She glared at Kya before she sighed and just let her emotions fall into a numb impassive face.

"I'm tired of this Kya." She stepped back and rubbed her shoulder. Kya grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't think my words would hurt you this bad." She closed her eyes and pulled her in close. "I'm so sorry."

All Lin could do was stand there. She made no move to hug her back, her mind wondered back to the temple. Every night she relived the same dream. With the smell of burnt hair, the smell of flesh and the small hint of blood.

The smell never left Lin's nose, she always smelled and tasted the fire.

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Tess & Katya

Fearghal: [Notes in detention, let's say he's there today 'cos some teacher was a patronizing dickhead and he told 'em to do one and then did himself] Tess: [we all know she was brawling but let's assume something/someone stopped her at the start of it cos she has no chill rn and they'd be dead] Fearghal: Hey up Tess: g'wed Fearghal: what you in for Tess: [draws a spoon because that means to make a mistake in scouse but with a hand gripping the handle because 'gripped' is caught] Fearghal: [draws an eye on the spoon] Tess: [when you're amused af but you can't show it because such is life so you just draw a big ? like what do you want] Fearghal: you not in year 11? Tess: [cross out the 1 and write a 0] Fearghal: [draws a smiley in the 0 so it looks like an E and does his own question mark] Tess: [writes however much that'd cost back then because idk] Fearghal: sound Fearghal: what's your name then Tess: [draws a _ like fill in anything you like] not gonna fuck you whatever you call me Fearghal: [does a lol and gets told to shut up] Fearghal: alright, blondie it is Tess: [makes a 😒 face at him] bleach ain't only a pure boss bevvy Fearghal: [huge grins back like] Fearghal: so you're smart and all Tess: [🖕 because does she care if the teacher sees not really but 😏 because try and keep some customers babe] Tess: can count the spends you owe if you're deciding you'll leg it Fearghal: [does 'dagger through my heart' act] Fearghal: not do that, you know where I live, babe Tess: if you wanna call it living, irish Fearghal: Living it up in Heswall are ya? I'll pop in for tea when I'm in the area meself Tess: you a scuffer with a baby face? [draws a baby policeman with an irish flag] Fearghal: get fucked am I Fearghal: new one, give you credit there Tess: ask a lotta geg questions, new lad, bit rem if you ain't earning from it Fearghal: Shit, don't tell Donovan he's right Fearghal: really can't read Tess: [is again so amused on the low but] do less drugs Tess: learn more scouse Fearghal: must be your main gig Fearghal: teach me then, blondie Tess: your gary orders are properly keeping my leccy on, yeah [draws a 💡 with a smiley face] Fearghal: better teacher than this lot but that ain't saying fuck all but I reckon I'd learn a thing or two if you were up there instead Fearghal: [throws paperball at board for emphasis and then has to go put it in the bin like 😏] Tess: whatever your meff mates in year 11 have said, they didn't learn or catch nothing off me Fearghal: [when he's back in his seat] Fearghal: I ain't got any blondie, you're alright Tess: [draws him a medal] made up for yous Fearghal: [makes it have a sad face] shouldn't be Tess: [crosses it out like I take it back then] Fearghal: [draws a heart] Tess: [rips up that page deliberately slowly like fuck you] Tess: giz us the £ and garry can show his face Fearghal: [laughs again like sh you have such a loud laugh but not bothered and neither is this teacher lowkey so] Fearghal: at the end, not necking it now, babe Tess: [draws a broken heart with garry written in it] Tess: call me babe again and you ain't getting it Fearghal: [crosses it out] Tess: not as rem as your face would have you look Fearghal: s'okay, I know I'm cute, blondie Tess: stop listening to your ma, irish, she's feeding you lies with the scran Fearghal: don't think it's in her vocabulary or recipe book Fearghal: [crosses out garry and writes his own name] Tess: how am I meant to say that? barely read it Fearghal: want me to teach you Fearghal: gave me the scouse 101 for free Tess: point you in the direction of a girl that'll work on, is right Fearghal: you're a pal Tess: friendly neighbourhood dealer Fearghal: [draws a really crap spiderman] Tess: gonna tat that on me, full credit to yous Fearghal: it is my look too so tah for that Tess: [looks at him like she genuinely hasn't noticed cos lowkey never looks at people if she can help it] Fearghal: [lifts his sleeves where necessary like hiya] Tess: [🙄 but she hasn't looked away so] Fearghal: and that's just the safe for school ones, jailbait Tess: [puts her hand up and is like sir this boy is flirting with me cos she knows he won't actually do anything but she's like um shut up fearghal] Fearghal: [always loling] Tess: try downers Fearghal: what would the chef recommend Tess: I'm not a walking menu Tess: how full's your wallet? Fearghal: not that full Fearghal: but my gaff is shit enough to make me [sad face] Tess: [draws a him with that sad face at a lemonade stand because lemonade is slang for shit drugs I don't think it's scouse but I'm still doing it] Fearghal: [draws a stickman teacher pissing in his cup] Tess: [😏 before she can help it, let's hope her hair is covering her face enough] Fearghal: [draws a landline phone] 123 what's the time and how long we got left Tess: [draws a clock with the time on as it is now and another one with the time they are allowed to leave as if she's challenging him to be able to tell time lol] Fearghal: not flirting with you or nothing but you got the glasses and pencil skirt or have I gotta fork out for them too Tess: [crosses them both out cos she doesn't have either of course and underlines the fork out bit like unlucky] Fearghal: tell all me mates your well expensive, fairplay Tess: tell 'em I ain't for sale and you won't get wrecked Fearghal: sure, lemme hit 'em with my next note Fearghal: [throws it at an empty desk like sup lads] Tess: [draws some ghost 90s fuckboys because amused again] Fearghal: [gives 'em stereotypical scouse names like idk, all of the beatles etc] Fearghal: bessie mates, right Tess: stay close to george, the rest are cunts Fearghal: looking out for me so you can do me in yourself Tess: need you to keep the wolves from my door, irish Tess: dead hero's no use Fearghal: so tell me Fearghal: which one am I, spidey Tess: [shrugs but we all know she's a massive nerd] Fearghal: take superman then Fearghal: 'least draw me the S and I'll see if I've got room on me chest Tess: [draws it at him in the air like] Fearghal: [catches it and thumps on his chest like sorted] Tess: [🙄] Fearghal: [draws a crossed-eyed face with glasses and the teacher bun] Tess: [puts a knife in her hand cos very subtle warning there] Fearghal: [draws target on his back] Tess: [😏] Fearghal: what parties are you hitting tonight Tess: every one Fearghal: busy [🐝] Tess: patronising [drawing of a slug because there isn't an emoji how rude] Fearghal: can put the salt away, meant it, honey [🍯💘] Tess: call me honey again and I'll stab you Fearghal: strangeways, here we come Tess: morgue for yous Fearghal: wish it were a promise, blondie Tess: it is, not a soft lad, i don't only put the tip in, like Fearghal: [puts his hand up like sir this girl is flirting with me] Tess: you wish Fearghal: [does daydream bubble above his cartoon head and sighs IRL so wistfully and dramatically] Tess: [writes I'm a doss cunt in the bubble and makes him be crying] Fearghal: awh, well how'd you know Tess: [points to her eyes like I've got them and use them] Fearghal: pretty Tess: [when you cross it out so dramatically cos you're fuming now because 1. we can all imagine the shit josh used to say 2. she's not allowed to live that way 3. thinks he's just flirting with her like the rest cos she's easy] Tess: fuck off Fearghal: [a bit like ?! but has the decency to hide it like shrugging like alright] Tess: [moody silence be like because can't look at him cos then eye contact and don't think about my eyes please] Fearghal: is charlie coming tonight too Fearghal: [coke] Tess: Yeah Fearghal: y'know what time? Fearghal: [price] Tess: [again idk but let's say she writes it there for him obvs] Fearghal: [does thumbs up when he can catch her eye for a sec] Tess: [nods to show that she saw it but those eyes are dead honey] Fearghal: what do you reckon he peps his coffee up with then [gesturing at the teacher who's so out of it] Tess: scotch [draws a 👃 like figured that out ages ago bye] Tess: teacher's highland cream if he had jokes Fearghal: you're funny even if he ain't Fearghal: not giving him that much credit personally, least that's an actual drink Fearghal: I reckon it's straight paint thinner vodka in that black coffee Tess: he likes to actually drink, irish he's not woman having a midlife crisis Tess: that was his wife Fearghal: so it ain't her red wine leftovers in there Tess: it'd be turned to vinegar Fearghal: [draws broken heart] Fearghal: bless him Tess: you sound like you're a woman having a midlife crisis Fearghal: ugly bitch if I am Tess: sound not look, bitch Fearghal: I get it Fearghal: older women are hot Tess: [crosses it out like no thank you] Fearghal: [draws himself with long hair crying] Tess: [starts putting her hand up again but puts it down immediately cos just for the bants] Fearghal: [is 😏] Fearghal: you'd know if I was Fearghal: reps anything to go by Tess: [draws an arrow to the older women are hot comment even though she put a line through it let's say it's still readable and a 💔 next to it] Tess: too young for you Fearghal: you're gutted Tess: [goes over and over the 💔 until it's really dark and emphasised like yeah obvs] Fearghal: eh carve it on the desk so i know its real, blondie Tess: [does because give a shit] Fearghal: [beats whatever is probably written about them in the bathrooms etc] Tess: [taking a sec to deal with her other notes/drug deals while the teacher is drunkenly asleep like] Tess: carve it into his head so i know it's real, fearghal Fearghal: [the rest of y'all better keep your chill enough so he can get it done then you can all run out early tah, 'DOSS CUNT' is the way to go obvs] Tess: [is so 😏 not fake rn at all] Tess: [people be following her like she's the pied piper cos deals to be done] Fearghal: [goes off like he ain't gonna stay but is actually just going for a piss or whatever so the crowd dies down a bit] Tess: [when you're waiting because you need the cash but it looks like you're shamelessly waiting for him] Fearghal: [walks back when the last kid is leaving and makes a face like 'looks like you'd make lots offa him'] Tess: [giving nothing away by your face because in work mode] Fearghal: [when you sit down on a step, wherever and get out a pouch of baccy and a rizla and start rolling 'cos conflicted 'cos got your own shit you have to save for here but also clearly need to get fucked up atm so- but you offer her the first one 'may as well'] Tess: [gives him a death stare like fuck you I can roll my own and probs better than you but still takes it but deliberately doesn't sit cos gotta keep that distance, blowing smoke like you're so furious he's being a time waster when we all know it's good to take a sec actually] Fearghal: [gives an amused little half-laugh on the exhale of his own smoke at her display 'can't charge me for time, still have 20 minutes in there if it weren't for me, blondie' shrugs] Tess: [just got the 🚬 in your mouth so you can pick at the bitten skin around your nails like it's not sore enough already and pretend like he doesn't exist to you] Fearghal: [just whistling to yourself 'cos you can't do silence] Tess: [when you lowkey kick him like shut up omg because can't pretend he's not there if he won't let you and to remind him you still are like are we doing this deal or nah] Fearghal: [slides the cash over to her on the floor like there you go] Tess: [hands him them droogs after she's picked up and counted the cash of course but she's written her name for him on whatever they're in like there you go 'nickname can go die on it's arse now' but we all know she'd die if he called her by her name actually] Fearghal: [breathes out like really? when he sees her name 'cos coincidences everywhere and shakes his head like 'fuck sake' and a little lol 'as long as you don't stab me for it, I'll stick with Blondie, tah'] Tess: [another death stare because what's wrong with my name fuck you and also so glad I bothered telling you then but crosses her name out like it's so casual which makes me lol cos it looks like she's gonna take her drugs back like none for you bye] Fearghal: [just getting up to either get his drugs or money back but still more bemused than mad, like 'nothing personal, babe'] Tess: [shoves his drugs back at him because don't call me babe] Fearghal: [does a cross over his mouth like whoops and pockets the droogs 'tah'] Tess: [just 🚬 like because as he said nowhere to be yet] Fearghal: [when you're just in your thoughts but trying not to be so you gotta lowkey make smalltalk 'you always lived here?'] Tess: ['the accent's not jarg, irish, is yours?' why is that the word for fake okay then] Fearghal: [can just about follow that one lol 'yeah, reckon it'd make me dead popular, nothing like fitting in' gestures at himself up and down with a grin 'cos does not in any way] Tess: [looks him up and down like 😒 don't protest too much babe 'heard you ain't had no issue finding holes to fit yourself in' cos that milf rumor popping off] Fearghal: ['careful, indifference gets to sounding like jealousy if you shout about it' but shrugs like and what?] Tess: [laughs in a way that would be so much like a fuck you 'proper scouse 101, say a cunt's still got a ma and da under one roof, don't come and fuck that ma under the same, however boss she looks in a nightie and slippers'] Fearghal: [makes a face that's so fake shook 'Well now you tell me, Blondie- No bother, 'cos if I can get in, s'the family that's already broken, not the door, give a fuck if some soft lad-' mimics her accent for that bit- 'and his da are gonna cry about it, his mum weren't'] Tess: [shrugs because lbr if that lad was gonna do anything or his dad they already would have and she's done her bit by 'warning' him for next time] Fearghal: [flicks his ash away and coughs 'if they seem desperate to get caught themselves, I'll reconsider next time, maybe'] Tess: ['it's your life, babe' mimics his accent for the babe because have to if he did it first] Fearghal: [nods like 😏 'nah fairplay my accent is well fit'] Tess: [the most disgusted face she can do and still be serious] Fearghal: [just laughing always 'alright then blondie, see you later'] Tess: [nods because inevitably] Fearghal: [time skip to a party] Tess: [girl be working hard drinking some horrible 90s energy drink that's probably worse for you than drugs because much to do] Fearghal: [can only imagine how gone he and Katya are] Tess: [everyone but her lowkey how bored she'd be] Fearghal: [s'not a mood but this party wouldn't really be anyway we all know it Tess: [story of their lives] Katya: [gonna be looking ravey af, the glitter and neon paint would be so real, coming up like 'hello' like you're already mates] Tess: [when she'd be shook because nobody says hello to her ever but covering it well of course and just giving her a look like what do you want because there's only one reason she's here] Katya: ['You look very bored'] Tess: [has to stop herself from loling because caught off guard again as that wasn't what she expected her to say but just looks at her like let me sell you some drugs and then I'll have something to do] Katya: [looks at her and raises an eyebrow like, I don't buy my own drugs 'Would you like something else to drink?'] Tess: [is conflicted af because obviously would because this party is boring af but like is also working and also we know the state of her father and also doesn't like owing people things which reminds her that she owes Fearghal a smoke so she's like 'where's the irish lad?' because thinks they are fucking/know each other better than they do] Katya: [has a look round genuinely like idk let's see but clearly can't see him or she would've babe, rolls eyes but affectionately 'must be upstairs'] Tess: [shrugs like it's so casual but goes to get a real drink cos fuck it] Katya: [is like 'hey!' 'cos she was gonna get it but smiles and stays put 'cos not gonna follow her that hard] Tess: [is probably ages cos getting waylaid by punters but comes back to stand where she was cos Katya is less annoying than the other dickheads here] Katya: [has just been grooving, with lads she wanna, avoiding the ones she don't like 'scuse me, in that vain running up to Tess and being like 'save me' in her ear so this particular one takes the hint] Tess: [death stares whoever it is like off you fuck now cos you don't wanna start shit with her boy] Katya: [shrugs at him like whoops sorry but is 😏 so evidently not 'Мудак' (Mu-dak, specifically for dudes) as she turns back to Tess, shaking her head] Fearghal: [suddenly popping back up like 'Dunno what you just called me but don't reckon I deserve it, like'] Tess: [is also 😏 because amused by Katya's antics anyway but have to keep the expression on around Fearghal of course and puts a 🚬 in his hand immediately like] Fearghal: [looks at it then at her like confusion 'cos high but then 💡 and nods her way like oh yeah, cheers and puts it behind his ear for later and puts an arm around Katya who is squishing his face like 'never!'] Tess: [when they are nothing like Josh or Summer but it reminds her of having friends so she wants to die just drinking too fast like] Fearghal: [the mood so neither of them is gonna call her out on it even though they see it, Fearghal specifically looking at her like 'Celebrating?' and a face like same 'cos doesn't need saying that obvs not but Katya raising whatever she's got like 'Ha За здоровье!'] Tess: [when she just ignores him and cheers Katya with whatever you're drinking as like I'll be off now but then she sees that the gruesome twosome are here and straight up freezes] Fearghal: [when you both look and are both 😒 like eurgh 'cos wouldn't fuck with either of them as is and like everyone knows who they are in relation to Tess so get why she's reacted like that, so he goes off to get more drinks having to go past them like 'scuse me dickheads and Katya turning her back so Tess can stand her ground and not but still look like they having an in-depth convo 'she was your friend' a statement way more than a question 'I think she would like to be you, she is an idiot'] Tess: [watching them kiss and dance together cos can't look away so I hope Fearghal barges into them even if he didn't need to so she can stop and down the rest of her drink to get rid of the taste of blood in her mouth from holding herself back from doing anything else since she's still got drugs on her like we said, can't be starting drama especially with Summer who's 100% that bitch. About to nod at Katya because she was her friend for such a long time but then snapping the fuck out of that instinct and shaking her head because not anymore clearly and scoffing because yeah Summer is an idiot, who'd wanna be her when she doesn't even wanna] Fearghal: [Katya scoffs back 'She would rather be thought pretty and have boyfriend than have things that matters but this is like all girls our age, yes? Silly, knowing nothing about anything.' Fearghal coming back with three of whatever and shoving one at Tess as quick as she did the cigarette, swapping it for her empty, throwing it not at Summer and Josh but in their general direction 'What would you like to do?' Katya adds, taking a swig of her drink 'We can find you more customers if you would like'] Tess: [literally would wanna say something about how much Josh and the family they were meant to be did matter but not drunk enough for that although she blatantly will be soon cos haven't eaten anything in forever probably and would drink like half the drink he just gave her immediately like what could go wrong here. Finally saying 'Yeah' to both things but so quietly they'd struggle to hear it over this rave if they were anybody else and making herself move into the crowd to get customers instead of away which is what she'd wanna do] Fearghal: [she can go off to get all the lads and clearly get so fucked up 'cos all gonna buy her some too 'cos that's the ploy here, whereas he's gonna stay in sight 'cos shamelessly protective and can step in if anything kicks off with those two] Tess: [god bless, not all heroes wear capes lads, I appreciate less lads for Tess to have to deal with as she's getting white girl wasted in this club] Fearghal: [go have a cry you deserve it lbr] Tess: [just in the bathroom like the girly cliche you're not] Fearghal: [have at it honey, shame he can't smack Josh yet really] Tess: [kick everyone out first though you don't need that to be your rep] Fearghal: [meanwhile actually do smack him 'cos any reason at a party where everyone's fucked up] Tess: [hooray for coming back and them being gone] Fearghal: [small blessings, and they've probably shifted a fair amount between 'em so] Tess: [give this smol drunk child her money lads and she'll try not to cry on you] Fearghal: [all the funds for you] Tess: [give them a drug freebie like thanks even if Katya might wanna save hers for later if she's had loads] Fearghal: [I hope you've cheeked some for later or you'll be so skyhigh/about to die lol] Tess: [when she'd just wanna leave but like that's not her life]

[untuned-ukulele]

Just a quick warning, im basically lining out every single idea I have ever had for this OC that didn't suck, so it is the longest post I've ever made

None of this is in order by the way, just whenever I remembered it

OK so basically my gravity falls oc is brother of mabel and Dipper but a year older. He is trans (as well Dipper in my headcanon), aroace, and he named himself Ace to get the message across but it never works. His dad (unknown) was a chaos demon so he has a few powers (and no its not bill, im not THAT cliché) but can't control them properly bc of his human side and so are basically controlled by his emotions until mid - late season 2. When him and Dipper find the journals Ace finds a few stuff about magic in there and uses it to practice and just gradually gets better at controlling it, and eventually even creates new spells and writes them in the journals. When He was younger (like 6 - 7) Bill cipher started coming to him in his dreams, initially because he made a deal with his dad that he would make sure the kid was ok (literally the only worthwhile thing the dad did) but after realising how powerful, and frankly similar to bill Ace actually was (but obvs with less flirty stuff, as he's a kid and aro ace) he started astral projecting himself (or whatever he calls it) to Ace whenever just to talk. Since bill is in the nightmare realm and the mindscape, he actually came to befriend Ace and see him as an equal. When he realised he was trans at 11, Bill was the first person he told, Bill was 100% supportive and made a pretty cool, classic bill cipher speech about how it doesn't matter and everythings fake and nothing makes sense so it shouldn't matter if you're a boy or a girl or a creature with 88 different faces. Ace is less psychotic than bill but still a bit maniacal and crazy sometimes. He has some violent tendencies but in the end always tries to do the right thing. But a while after bill started talking to Ace while he was awake, because he wanted a genuine friendship. The pines parents noticed and confronted him about it they thought he just had an imaginary friend, but Ace won't back down in saying he's real and that they just can't see him. He is put on some meds which basically shut off whatever part of the brain bill is using to project himself here, but the doctors think it just stops hallucinations. As Ace gets older he comes to believe that Bill was in fact just a hallucination and still takes the meds, but stops taking them a few days after finding the journal when he accepts that it was all real when it is ofc revealed that Bill is real. The twins were too young to remember Ace's visions of bill so don't realise whats happening. When weirdmageddon happened, as well as ford he genuinely wanted Ace to join him and rule the world, even psychicly showing him a collage of all the fun they could have ('its gonna get weird' but Ace is singing half of it). Ace seems to be actually tempted by this offer but refuses because Bill has been hurting his friends. Bill just sighs and basically says 'fine I'll just kill ur brother, which will drive u insane then u will want to be my friend again!' but like in a genuine way, he honestly hinks that that will make Ace want to join his team and be his friend.

Aces symbol on the summoning circle is the symbol of chaos (eight arrows facing out basically making an arrow star)

Bill calls him either 'demi D' short for demi demon, or Ace of Clubs because once he used a bat (or a club) to knock out a school bully when he was 12

A few of the townspeople are transphobic, but don't really know what being trans is lol. So Ace just says 'I was born with a rare birth defect that made it look like I was a girl'

O and as soon as Ace told Bill his real name, Bill instantly deleted his deadname from his own memory

some drawings/edits

Im so sorry this was so long

made this meme about myself, pls tell me about your ocs

I never not want to hear about your ocs

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[arbitrarytactile]

(Just gonna fill this because I have no followers 😔)

1. School was awful. Where I lived they didn't do screenings, so I struggled through grade school with unchecked ADHD AND dyslexia.

2. Not currently, but I want to try it.

3. I have a handful, but right now Camp Camp, pokemon, and The Living Tombstone

4. Probably the Akatsuki from Naruto. I've been obsessed with them for 15 years strong and have written a few essays and presentations on them that I preform on any of my willing friends. Also Death Note. I we watch the series at LEAST twice a year.

I dont even?? Like Naruto or Death Note? Loke whenever I talk about them I get super heated, but my brain just needs to take in this content.

5. My most problematic is probably?? The fact my main go-to stuff to listen to is Drama Channels on YouTube. Idk why. Probably because its so inconsequential to me. Ita like how people watch reality TV. I know so many dumb facts about random YouTubers and their drama. Usually whenever something BIG happens where general population people actually hear about it I step in to clarify situation (see me having to explain to my Japanese coworker the Logan Paul Death Forest Disco of 2017 because her daughter was talking about it)

6. I hyperfixating on shows/movies mainly. Something I can make content for. Also on YouTube I cycle through different topics. These hyperfixations are separate, as I only listen to specific things (usually people talking with limited priority on images, so I can listen while drawing and the visuals won't distract me too much (if at all). Also, to a smaller scale, I hyperfixate on music. Can be a genre, band, or specific playlist built around a character or ship i like.

7. Coffee helps me focus, but I have a heart condition so I heed to be careful when I take in caffeine. I have chronic Tired Bitch Disorder, tho, so I need it at work to Survive.

8. I started researching when I was 19 and told my then friends, who ignored me and dismissed their idea until I had to come with the DMCA file HIGHLIGHTED with all the traits I had.

Due to insurance I havent had a chance to get diagnosed yet (ill be 25 early next year), but one of my partners and I have VERY similar traits and he is diagnosed.

We aren't. Subtle. Anyone could look at me and know I have Something tbe fuck up.

9. STIMS. GOSH. I HAVE SO MANY and ia always forget whenever I'm asked. I REALLY like processing things with my hands/mouth. Like shelling nuts or breaking things down thay don't need it.

I do a lot of TAPPING. usually full-on flappy hands (or rather for me it's fists) is a stress response. So I don't do it often in a happy sense unless I find out I'm about to go do something I REALLY like to do. I just. Tap. A lot. Both my hands and my toes.

(Fun fact: im a preschool teacher. I teach kids 20 months-3 years. Kids just stim! All kids stim! And my students have started adopting my stims!! Its super cute!!)

10. I really like slime, but more on the putty/play dough side.

11. I actually really enjoy fidget spinners. I used to have a glittery pink glow in the dark one, but it disappeared :(

12. I learned best by sight and doing it! Like, if I'm watching something and doing it at the same time I learn super well.

Because of my dyslexia traits I need to read and hear someyhing at the same time to be able to process it properly, or it takes my full focus if I'm just reading. Reading + audio book and dialogue + subtitles us BOMB.

13. It really depends. If I'm having a really sensative day I have a LOT of trouble processing voices/sound. I am also very sensitive to touch and usually Cannot be touched without getting really testy. I'm usually super quiet these days and will keep my noise canceling headphones on as much as possible. On good days I am really bouncy and huggy and LOUD. I have... trouble with volume control.

14. If I'm trying to work on something and watching videos sometimes a video will catch my interest on my recc thay requires more attention to consume, so I'll watch it instead of working. Or, my go-to executive Dysfunction "I Don't Wanna Get Up" distraction of scrolling through tumblr forcehati think is 5 minutes bug turns out to be 30.

15. I really wish people would leave me alone when im giving off signals. I wish extroverted people, especially strangers, will stop bothering me when im trying so desperately to focus (this was a huge problem before Covid when I would spend hours sitting in Starbucks trying to work).

I also wish people would be more understanding when I have trouble controlling my volume. Like if im trying to explain something I CANNOT whisper, and it is VERY hard for me to keep my voice low. Loke it takes a lot of effort and it makes it hard for me to focus on the topic im talking about and it breaks my concentration.

Im not yelling. I know im not. Please stop telling me to quiet down pleaseeeeeeeee for my concentration and my RSD

ADHD asks

what is/was school like for you?

are you medicated?

what’s your latest hyperfixation?

what’s your oldest hyperfixation?

what’s the most problematic hyperfixation you’ve ever had (don’t lie, everyone had at least one in their young years)

what type do you have?

how do you react to coffee?

when did you know you had ADHD?

favorite stim / one you do most often?

slime or floam?

opinion on fidget spinners?

how do you best learn (visual, auditory etc)

how sensitive are you?

what most often distracts you?

what do you wish people understood about adhd?