#bleak and depressing. i'm logging off

[babeyknife]

being on reddit is so godawful lately i need an extension that blocks every post that uses the word chatgpt

[chdarling]

As we’re getting closer to a truly awful day for America, I just wanted to check in on you. Things are bleak and about to get so so much worse, I want you to know I’m here and many others are here too when you’re ready

This is very kind of you, thank you. Honestly, I have not been doing great. Watching my neighbors elect a racist, fascist, Nazi-loving rapist triggered a pretty bad depressive episode on top of what was already the worst period of professional and creative burnout of my life, so….I’m struggling. Still trying to claw my way out of the dark. I’m deeply appreciative of the kindness of this community and am sorry that I haven’t (and probably won’t for a little longer) been able to engage the way I once did. I will again one day, and I am so thankful to know all you wonderful people online. <3

On a note that is completely unrelated to this gentle ask, I’ve been getting a ton of messages lately asking for a date when TLE3 is coming out and I don’t feel up to answering them (sorry) so I’m just going to tack this on here since I buried my last post on the subject under a mountain of despair reblogs: TLE3 is going to take a while.

I’m still planning to continue with my writing projects (be they TLE or other things), but right now I’m focusing on securing my own oxygen mask, etc. When I finished posting TLE2, I said that I would be taking a break and also that I would not be posting TLE3 until I had written all of it (like I had for TLE1). Even if I had been writing diligently every single day since I posted the last chapter, I still wouldn’t be done, so please understand that it’s going to take a while. It certainly will not be coming in the next 6 months, very possibly not in 2025. I know some people won’t be happy to hear that, but just a fun statistic: OOTP has 257,045 words and took three years to write/publish after GOF. TLE2 has (and this makes me cringe a little) 407,079 words and took roughly 3 years to write as an unpaid side hobby on top of full time work, education, etc. I don’t say this to toot my own horn (frankly, it just makes me desperately want to retroactively edit the crap out of TLE2 lol), but rather to reiterate that writing a book-length work takes a lot of time, energy, and love. I don’t want it to take 3 years (and I don’t think it will, TLE3 will be a more reasonable length), but it’s certainly not going to be finished in a few months. That would be insanity and I am not that talented lmao.

I do know that the requests for updates come from a place of love and enthusiasm and excitement and I really, truly appreciate that. I also appreciate all of the kind words of the asks I haven’t been answering. Please know that I’ve read them, I love you, and I will be back eventually. I just have to focus on my health right now, and unfortunately these days being online is pretty bad for that, so I'm going to try to be logged off for a while.

And finally, on another completely unrelated but perhaps mildly tangential note: if anyone has any books recommendations or resources on processing climate grief, I, uh, could use them. 🫠

[goodbysunball]

We're the good kind

March is normally when I celebrate the worst two months of the year being over, but this year's feeling like it's got much worse in store, though I hope I'm mistaken. Here are some new-to-me and perhaps under-the-radar and other-hyphenated-descriptor records that've taken the edge off the last few weeks.

Black Curse, Burning in Celestial Poison LP (Sepulchral Voice)

Second LP from this blackened death unit, venturing out further into madness and landing where Teitanblood, Pissgrave and Destruction Ritual-era Krieg roam. It's no small feat to push a sound as hard as Black Curse do, spittle from gnashing teeth practically splattering out of the speakers, while writing genuinely memorable songs that hold up to repeat listens. No perverse complexity, no esoteric lore, no melodies or washed attempts at psychedelia; Black Curse are rooted in the terror that is Life, "the world in fire." It opens with the awkwardly titled "Spleen Girt With Serpent," disparate movements all working individually (that slow riff about eight minutes in, whew) but one or two airy breaks or clunky transitions sap some of the momentum. From there though, the band locks in, the longer tracks gliding from gurgling death metal to blistering blastbeats, occasionally allowing the listener to catch up with circular headbanging riffs and crushing, lumbering doom. The way that a track like "Ruinous Paths..." splinters apart and twists together over and over, is sort of an ideal for this type of music, its immediacy and will to chaos holding the listener rapt for the duration. I'd also like to shout out the thousand foot depths in the middle of "Flowers of Gethsemane," disembodied voices howling inside the wall of noise created by the drums and guitars. Ferocious and manic, pedal pushed ever harder toward Valhalla. A towering pillar of death metal execution.

DAR, A Slightly Larger Head LP (Sophomore Lounge)

Yet another tip of the hat to Repressed Records' social media presence, one of the only reasons to even log onto Instagram anymore, and most of their staff shortlisting DAR's A Slightly Larger Head on their respective year-end lists. There's certain labels you should just automatically check out whatever they release, and Sophomore Lounge is one of 'em, but for whatever reason this slipped under my radar. DAR is the work of Chicagoan Aaron Osbourne, and he's backed by Jim Marlowe, Jenny Rose & Ryan Davis here, creating an unabashedly bold, deceptively simple rock record. Its crunchy riffs are well-suited for clear skies and wiping away near-constant depression for a few minutes. For some, the lyrics will be a little too earnest, or a little too personal to Osbourne, two things that are sort of the same in that they make it hard for certain listeners to find their own meaning. For the majority, though, Osbourne finds perfect ways to describe the minutiae and quiet despair of modern living: "Trying to find closure/just dying to be alive" from "Fourth of July" is one of many choice lines that start in darkness but ultimately communicate a communal desire. As bleak as things can get across A Slightly Larger Head, the music is as punchy and bright, likely due in some part to Jim Marlowe's recording and production. When Osbourne sings "We're the good kind" as a summation on the title track, the record's outed as a panacea for the small unspoken anxieties and doubts plaguing modern life. Fans of Beat Happening or those two Bed Wettin' Bad Boys LPs should check in here, as should anyone looking for a bright, brainy rock record to put the last few months to rest. Tip!

Gaoled, Bestial Hardcore LP (Iron Lung/Televised Suicide)

Big-time debut from Gaoled (pronounced "jailed," like the Scapegoat song) after a number of cassette and flexi releases, and it smokes. They take hardcore, powerviolence and death metal and feed 'em through the meat grinder, the purplish swollen goo flecked with electronics. They do the "fast part careens into devastatingly slow part" as well as anyone, but the sound here's beefed up to sandblast away any questions of their sincerity. Not that anyone's making grinding metallized hardcore for fashion, but they absolutely level you with the intensity and anger on display. The drums, bass and guitar are remarkably clear; while it's easy to latch onto the chugging riffs on "Relax," repeat listens reveal the intricacy of the blistering, blink-and-miss parts. The vocals are barked and reverberated around, filling any voids and sometimes used to augment the big riffs ("Waiting," "Feed"). There's a noted death metal influence on tracks like "Tempt" and the bulldozing closer "Khanate," the band stretching out their sound, a good look for an LP's worth of something as abrasive as Gaoled. The end result of Bestial Hardcore is energizing, not exhausting, a grit blast eardrum cleansing, needed now more than ever.

Oïmiakon, Comptoir Des Vanités LP (Bruit Direct Disques)

Got a backlog of Bruit Direct Disques releases that I regrettably did not feature here, but I'm gonna start with the most obtuse and opaque one, of course. Philémon Girouard is behind Oïmiakon, a self-described "electroacoustic/noise composer," though for Comptoir Des Vanités he flirts with grim, corroded techno for a good bit of the duration. The glitchy beats of the first few minutes give way to the 10-minute "Viande de Race," a skipping rhythm and muffled club sounds, heard from the bathroom or outside or maybe just in your head, threatening to swell or break free and making for a strangely captivating departure. The restraint on "Viande de Race" collapses on the B-side: noise swells and scratches across "M.Lube," "Turbo Silence" sounds like Lolina jumped on a Joe Colley track, and the transforming, panic-inducing beats on "Master Audition" rise to a fever pitch to bring it on home. While the write-up references Gaspar Noé's Irreversible, I tend to associate Comptoir Des Vanités with Climax, but in both cases the throbbing, pulsing chaos is at a distance, viewed through a screen, or right behind you, breathing down your neck. Sticks long after it's over. Another gem from Bruit Direct Disques, this.

[0813pm]

x day

It's been 667 days since I last posted.

16008 hours since I decided to log off this blog.

960480 minutes spent wondering if I would ever come back to write for a little bit.

Oh, I guess introductions are due again.

I'm someone that often has issues identifying myself for most parts, given that I've associated myself with a bunch of aliases over the many years.

However this time, I think it's simple enough that I stay as Rizu for the many years to come, so nice to meet you!

There was an intention in the blurriness

I initially made this blog many years ago to document the interesting aspects of the life I live to combat writer's block.

Though in recent times, it looks bleak from my depression, so I wanted to try and give it a little of a clean-up.

I was encouraged by a friend late night previously to continue writing, so I appreciate that thought.

This may be a lengthy post, so buckle up.

Previously I was just a student learning coding and scraping by life.

However now, I realized that I wanted to do more, so I did.

So while I continued to learn my guitar and photography, I also did more things outside.

There's been a lot of things that I genuinely enjoyed doing, from interacting with new faces, going out to live shows to learning about self-care.

For a small country, there's a lot of big things to do that I did not even know about.

Though I can say, it has been a fulfilling experience.

Experiencing snow for the first time in South Korea

For a while, I've had half a mind in regards to what I wanted to write.

It's been 2 years, so there must be a lot to talk about, right?

I'll spare you the details because there's a lot to go through; A lot has changed in my way of thinking.

Initially, I didn't think that my life was as important as others, and I often put others before myself.

Nowadays, it's about the same, but I sense some value in living, at the very least, I try to take care of myself as much as possible.

I wouldn't say that I have been very successful in coming out to others regarding my struggles.

There were conflicts and harsh lessons that I had to learn.

I tried to not let it get past me, and I'm really glad I didn't.

At the end of the day, the time continues to tick, and the sun will eventually rest at the end of the day.

A conflict is just one page in the chapter of life, and what matters most is how you move on from your struggles.

The glimmering rays project a shine of hope

Aside from that, I don't exactly know what else I should talk about (lol).

I'm really happy that I've been able to converse with people about random topics.

I was always worried that I'd be talking about the same thing each time when I meet new faces, but as I ventured out into the unknown, the experiences I pick up eventually turns into something I could share about.

As always, stepping out of your comfort zone as an introvert is the scariest feeling ever, but it's worth it once you've reached the end goal.

"Oh! It's finally done, I did it!" is the end goal I always wished for myself to see.

Of course, disappointments are expected to happen, but I would often say it should never stop you from trying again.

Maybe that's why I still enjoy trying to learn music.

It's been with me everywhere I go.

Rarely would you ever see me walking around town without wearing my headphones.

Till this day, I still want to improve at my guitar and songwriting skills.

There's a time in the future where I would like to share with everyone the emotions I feel.

Music as a medium is my most comfortable spot.

So I don't intend on giving it up so soon.

Subsonic Eye post-live

Meeting with my hero Celine Autumn from local band 'sobs'

As always, most of my post titles are based off song titles.

I'm a naturally lazy person, but it works out because I get to have an idea of what I wish to write based off the song's name.

It's x day from indigo la End, a band that I am never ever going to shut my mouth over.

I figured since it's been a very long time since I wrote something, it is appropriate enough that I gave potential new readers and anyone who has ever read my posts at all to understand a little more about me.

Maybe information is lacking still, but I've decided from writing the end of this post, the next one includes a portion about how I finally decided on the alias that I am sticking in this current moment.

Deciding is a long process, maybe short for some.

I took a very long time and I wish to be confident that this is what I want to do.

So as February rolls in, with 11 months left to go...

With 332 days remaining, I'll do all that I can to make 2025 the most memorable year of my life.

And I'll continue to do so for the years ahead.

「今日は特別なだよね？」

I hope you'll stick with me for the trip.

For once, I am excited to write up the next post, and I hope you are looking forward to it.

Until then, always be kind to yourself and the people around you.

mitsui rizumu 「蜜いリズム」

[starlit-mansion]

I'm not fully sure how to articulate this but part of my ongoing consternation about the state of fandom is that everything becomes a filmy slime of personal projection and memes and half-formed thoughts when it's all just loose on social media, which is fine for incredibly consumable product-ass products but becomes very bizarre with complex texts with meaningful themes

like sometimes it does feel like an emperor's no clothes situation, of like "why are we only drawing these guy's dicks instead of appreciating the whole story?" but also this is a really specific hobby with a lot of social conventions and any given person you talk to is usually pretty happy to expound on the meaningful parts of the text and is just having fun making memes and ship art because for them, there's just not that much left unsaid about the quality of the text

like in many ways, i'm glad that my actual first experience with the book dracula was just straight up listening to an unironic free podcasted audiobook a few years before it became memetic, because there's something about making it an activity that changes the state of matter of the entire story, starts to break it down and dissolve the intention

when I was very young, i only engaged with fanfic that was set out into the world as a complete thought (even if the fic itself wasn't complete, there was a sort of inherent concreteness of presenting a piece of art with something to say), but i don't even really like fanfic and the endless distending and warping of text that much anymore. not a lot would be added to my life from hanging around ao3 instead of here, because I would only start to articulate more of the things that make me angry.

this is all a personal problem. i'm like... constantly clenching my teeth about the fact that there's no news event or disaster that won't become a meme, but also. i'm on the meme website. I should probably just leave. but also. i've taken so many sanity breaks from tumblr over the last year. at one point, i changed my password to autogenerated gibberish and didn't save it so that i couldn't log in anymore, and i would be forced to sit with myself for the time it would take to reset it and remind myself that i was getting so angry and scared every single day and for WHAT

it didn't really work

because without it, now that i'm working from home and don't talk to people much and don't have an irl social circle due to not being very social on my own and moving across the entire fucking country in first year of the pandemic to spend a year and a half exclusively sitting inside a different set of rooms, not having the casual interpersonal connection of mentally hanging out in a shared space is also very bad for my brain, and leads to a lot of bitter rumination once the novelty of breaking yourself of the phone loop and reading a book in a non-public way wears off. we all know this. we've all experienced it on some level or another due to the collective experience of the last 3+ years.

not sure how to wrap this up in a non bleak way and go back to my regular scheduled posting and avoiding too many spoilers about a movie trailer that i WANT to watch and CAN'T MAKE MYSELF DO IT because of MY ABBY NORMAL BRAIN. generally i do enjoy the stuff i engage with and try to keep my haterade guzzling to occasional dabbling in criticizing things i don't like.

this is how my depression way goes though. i don't necessarily spend all day hating and despising myself and ruminating on how all my actions are simultaneously valueless and harmful to others. The endless slog through a lukewarm knee-deep ocean of salt water is that my ability to sincerely and happily engage with things diminishes, anhedonia sets in, caring about things starts to feel like inflammation. the light hurts, because it brings too much with it. i want to take the edge off of things, and joy is an edge too.

it's not that i don't understand the sanding away of nuance, it just reminds me of my worst self, angry and overwhelmed, more interested in chewing on bones than eating.