#can't even listen to my own playlists without sobbing

[theangelofbrahma]

can't believe mitski made a song about nureyev post s1 finale

[formaldehydemyheart]

Wild Horses - The Butcher OC

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

Words: 715

Warnings: None

A/N: Another self indulgent post, I’ve been building her a playlist and I got some inspiration for a one shot. Gonna be kinda sad, but it’s a look into her mindset and life.

"I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie I have my freedom, but I don't have much time Faith has been broken, tears must be cried Let's do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday."

Year: 1994

The window was still smudged, dust and dirt staining the glass a grimy yellow. I had tried to clean it, inside and out, countless times, but it never came completely clean.

The TV still emitted static where sound should've been, no matter how many times I adjusted the antenna.

My nails were still stained a dingy brown from years of blood seeping beneath them.

I picked at them as I stared out the window, hoping to see something other than endless trees. But it never came — it never changed.

I'd been stuck my whole life, wanting nothing more than to escape my own self-inflicted isolation. To leave the fate I had been handed and find a place where I could live a normal life.

Would I even be able to assimilate?

Get a job? A house outside the forest? Maybe a partner — someone to share this endless hopelessness with.

But the only God I ever knew had stolen that hope from me. His faceless stature forced me into mindless worship, turned me into a machine to do his bidding.

The crosses on my wall couldn't save me from him. No prayers could help me escape the hell I'd found here on Earth.

Sometimes I felt grateful for him. Usually on drunken nights, when I lay staring at the static of my TV.

I would have never had this much freedom without him — even if it meant doing his dirty work. Maybe he was something to worship. Or maybe I'd finally been brainwashed. I didn't know anymore.

Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought. How did I end up here?

Why did I still think about these things?

I'd been here for twenty years, praying for something— anything — to change. It never did.

I knew, deep down, that I was stuck. That realization had finally sunk in around year ten.

But was it wrong for me to still hope, to wish that maybe I would be released? That God would finally have mercy on my soul.

If not Christ, then the faceless entity I'd grown to call my boss.

I had been obedient, mindlessly following what he wanted from me, to bargain for a release. But it was useless. I was still here, staring out the same window, listening to the same static, picking at the same blood-stained nails.

I wanted to run. I had tried before, and he had let me. But I was truly never alone; the static always lingered in the back of my mind as I tried to outrun him.

But how do you outrun God?

How do you outrun the cards that have been played?

You can't.

I would never escape the dealer, always watching as my flushes and straights were reduced to nothing to his royal flush.

The cards would always be reshuffled, and all I could do was pray that maybe, this time, I'd win.

Stuck in a constant gamble — for my life, for my freedom.

Tears began to run down my face, sobs being let out into my knees as I pulled them to my chest.

If the saints heard me, I'm sure they would weep with me.

I hated who I had become: a sinner, endlessly praying for forgiveness as I gave in to my vices day after day.

I took the matters of life or death into my own hands instead of leaving them to Christ. My nails bore every gruesome act committed in honor of him, an entity that didn't care if I lived or died. One that tortured me for wanting to be normal.

It had to be some form of punishment for the crimes against my father, for not being grateful for the home I was given.

But how do you show gratitude for neglect and death?

Maybe I'd welcome death now. But it would never come—not for someone like me, stuck in the body of a 20-year-old, with the mind of someone who's forty.

My thoughts halted when the familiar vibrations filled my head, followed by the sharp pain of a headache. I knew I was being called by him.

And I could only obey.

This would be my life, for however long it lasted.

Stuck in a cycle of gambling and worship. Of vices and hopes.

But no faith.

Thank you for reading :))

[lollytea]

hi i know this is so outta left field but "line without a hook" came on my playlist and i got knocked off my feet thinking abt sobbing robert hl.

my mind literally flashed back to chapter one abt how hunter felt abt willow and all kinds of shame and guilt abt it abd trying to repress a lot of it but good GOD he cares a whole lot AND AND HOW HE'S GOING TO TRY TO BE THERE FOR WILLOW BUT TRY NOT TO BURDEN HER WITH HIMSELF *AND YET HE STILL CAME TO THE DANCE BECAUSE SHE ASKED HIM!!!!!!!*

*AND WILLOW STILL HAS THIS WALL UP EVEN THO SHE DOES LIKE HIM AND ENJOYS HIS ATTENTION!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW THE DEPTH OF HIS AFFECTION!!!! BUT SHE FEELS SO ALONE AND WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING, SHE DOESNT SEE WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO REACH OUT!!!*

ok sorry for yelling with my popcorn brain i literally lost my mind a bit thinking abt them for a moment. thank u for ur time 👋

YELLING BARKING RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES

I think it was in 2021 when I played Line Without a Hook to DEATH and at some point I put it away and haven't listened in forever. It might have been on my hunlow playlist very early on but I got rid of it because it was basically white noise to my ears back then because I had played it so many times ahsbsjnk

Listened again after like a year with Sobbing Robert in mind and AAAAA!!!! MEDICAL ATTENTION!!!!!!

Hunter is just in a constant state of absolute shambles. He's trying very hard to come up with logical explanations as to why he finds Willow so overwhelming, FOR HIS OWN SANITY, WHICH IS DANGEROUSLY DWINDLING, and he is very deep in denial but ultimately he knows. He tries not to know but he knows. He knows and it's tearing him limb from limb and he doesn't know what to do about it but he knows that ignoring her isn't an option. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do with her, but he doesn't know what he would do without her. And he's scared of the future and he's scared he's gonna lose her so he's desperately grasping for whatever traces of her he has left, even if he doesn't know how to hold them properly. Bro is constantly yearning to do SOMETHING but he can't get past the mental obstacle to acknowledge what he wants to do. Category five loverboy event happening here. So he's just gonna start flinging himself into Situations just so he can be around her, wondering why the fuck he wants to be around her so badly in the first place cuz it makes him want to throw up. But he wants this, he needs this, he's just trying to satiate whatever is inside him that wants so desperately.

Willow acts like she's so wise beyond her years and she understands everything and she's got a great handle on her feelings for Hunter but she's just as in denial as he is, except in different ways. Hunter can't even bring himself to ENTERTAIN the idea that he might be in love (though he knows. He knows deep down) while Willow lets her silly little crush chill on the living room couch of her mind, because she thinks she's got the whole thing under control. She's like "I think he's cute and silly and I'm flattered that he thinks I'm pretty but I'm not interested in being anything more than friends with him" and then lets her feelings get into all kind of mischief without her supervision because she doesn't see them as an actual threat, even though they are very VERY dangerous to her current situation. She's so stupid I love her.

They are both so fundamentally lonely. They both have this great chasm of emptiness inside of them that they're trying to fill with life's many distractions, though Willow is having a better time of it than Hunter.

They've been reaching for each other for years without realizing it. Stretching their hands out as far as they will go, desperate to brush against the others fingers. But there's always a wall, a gate, a mask, a glove, a suit of armor, a shell, a tree, an assumption, a whole universe that keeps them at a distance. So many tangible and intangible obstacles at play here. It should be SO easy for them to just come together and hold hands. They are next door neighbours. They could not physically get any closer. And yet they're still strangers, and yet they still don't know each other the way they think they do. But they know enough to know that they'd LIKE to know more. And they'd be prepared to handle whatever secret the other spills. Maybe. Possibly. If their stomach can take it.

I'm sorry what were we talking about? I got lost in the debris and blurted something out. Thank you I love you, this ask made me crazy. Thinking about them constantly. So excited for the next installment where they kiss or strangle each other or whatever the fuck happens idk I haven't read it

[queer-crusader]

got a bunch for the admit stuff ask 😂

10, 24, 25, 43, 48, 50, 63, 74, 78, 85, and as an added bonus hatecrime, 68 😘💖

LMAO BUDDY YOU GOOD?? That's a LOT of questions 😂💖💖

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Water lmao, but it's a WARM day here and I'm trying to stay hydrated so I've got my big sippy water bottle keeping me company 😌

24. What do you want right this second?

Mmmm... Good question. I'm actually quite content, but I could REALLY go for some more of the French cider I had yesterday. Apparently Lidl should stock it. My dad has failed to find it. A mission must be carried out tomorrow. It will remain warm and I require more cider

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

HELL YEAH LET'S GO, ENJOY YOURSELF

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

I mean they weren't like an actual crush but definitely embarrassed myself in front of the cute guy in college by very much NOT picking up on a social cue that I was third-wheeling. Well. Fourth-wheeling even. Please don't ask for details. It's real fucking cringe

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Yes I do and I WILL treat you to as many Hozier concerts as I feasibly can from the echoing depths of the bathroom

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

I have!! Both a classic medieval one and a modern one with scope, which was cool! The modern one was naturally easier and made me feel competent, but. Well. You know me. A slut for the middle ages. Classic wooden bow is my one true love 🥰

63. First concert?

Oh shit I'm not sure? Probably the Nederlands Blazersensemble (Dutch blowers' ensemble) when I was 6, but given that my dad goes to a LOT of concerts for his work and has taken me to several throughout his life, I might've experienced one at even younger an age. My first one I went to without my dad and from my own money tho was Hozier in 2019, and I've seen him twice since 😊

74. What is your favorite book?

Ronja the Robber's Daughter by Astrid Lindgren will live forever in my heart 💖 along with the Wee Free Men series by Terry Pratchett

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

THE AMAZING DEVIL. PLEASE IM BEGGING COME TOUR AT A SMALL LOCAL VENUE NEAR ME AND ALLOW ME TO GET TICKETS ON TIME BEFORE THEY'RE SOLD OUT. THIS IS A PRAYER TO WHATEVER GOD LIKES ME ENOUGH TO FEEL BENEVOLENT. I WILL FEEL MY SOUL ASCEND AND I WILL SOB.

85. Are you patient?

With others? OH YES. Almost too patient, perhaps. But I have all the time in the world for most people.

...With myself? Well. Uh. Yeah no if I don't get something right or can't get what I want done, I get FAR more easily frustrated. You uh. You may have noticed 😂😂

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

LMAOOO I mean I RARELY listen to her music, I know like 5 songs so choices are limited. But right now I'd say Florida, which she's done in collaboration with Florence + the Machine, whom I love. It's a really nice summery song that is on my summer playlist and I enjoy it! So HAH, not as much of a hate crime as you thought 😂

.

Thanks for asking all these!! Feel free to send me more 💖

[lvnatiq]

Random Relationship Headcanons | Felix Escellun x gn!reader

a/n: Hey ! On todays menu I am serving you modern au relationship headcanons. I know for a fact that I can’t write headcanons AT ALL yet here we are, out of spite I will keep trying until I can manage to write good shit. I’m going through a chaotic time in my life so please be patient with me 😭

I’m currently working on tattoo artist! reader x Felix headcanons and college!enemies to lovers one-shot. Knowing that Felix’s fav trope is enemies to lovers, I will post it hopefully before his new chapter drops. I used most of the hcs that were sent to me but if you couldn’t see yours, then it will probably be used on the other works.

No beta we die like men.

warnings: curse words, nsfw under the cut, random sage moments, felix being a ‘the neighborhood’ song basically.

You persuade him to start an Instagram account, and because of his family's popularity, he quickly gains followers. His account is practically empty because he would rather spend his time stalking your account on Instagram. You noticed the emptiness and wanted to take him out and take some photos for his account, which turned out amazingly. He is a little camera shy, so be patient with him.

You like to watch him apply his eyeliner but he finds it so stressing to do under your gaze.  He used to be able to do it easily, but it has now become one of his most difficult tasks. You wanted to ask for his assistance in applying eyeliner to you in the hopes of making it simpler for him; he agreed but quickly regretted it when he realized how near your faces would be. You with your eyes closed, waiting for him to drag the line as he was only thinking about how bad he wanted to kiss you. 

Felix has a Polaroid of you and stella in his wallet I said what I said.

When it comes to himself, he can be a pessimist, but when it comes to you, he is the most loving and positive boyfriend you could ever ask for. You have a dream ? He is ready to help you achieve it. Do you want to change in your life ? Go for it, He’s more excited than you are.

He can be quite insecure at times when it comes to your relationship because he feels like you deserve the world but the world is too big for his tiny hands. Will his cuddles be enough ? God he hopes so.

He almost cried when you told him you loved him for the first time. He's also baffled as to how you might feel the same way about him.

Drunk Felix is really clingy and honest. Whatever he can’t say sober drunk felix can and definitely will.

“May the stars let my death be between your glorious thighs amen-“ “Felix-”

Felix is weird but it add to his charm. It’s not unusual for you to wake up in the middle of the night and find the pillow besides yours empty. In the dead of night, you will find Felix munching on some weird ass food combinations.

He also has a habit of doing things that are extremely adorable without even noticing it. Like walking around the house in his oversized shirts, his hand clutching at the cuffs whilst the other one sheepishly rubs his eye.

“Can I lay on your lap ? I promise I won’t fall asleep. I just need to rest for a little.” His voice is so soft and hushed. “Of course, come here.” He throws himself onto you as he comes hopping on his tip toes.

He falls asleep on his desk too often, so you have to carry him back to his room, where he snuggles against you while you lead him there. Once he's in his room, he insists that you stay with him, so you wait until he falls asleep as you play with his hair, and he wakes up thinking it was all a dream.

I firmly believe that Felix’s love language is acts of service. Like making you coffee and bringing you random snacks as you work or wrapping you up in fluffy blankets whenever he catches you slacking on the couch.

He's been romanticizing anything and everything since he met you. When he sees beautiful flowers, he wants to bring them to you, but he also believes that their beauty stems from the fact that they are alive, so he argues and stresses a lot when deciding what to do in simple situations like these.

His edginess belongs to his impulsiveness and his style only at any other situation he's a complete softboy.

And I'm certain he knows a variety of card tricks. He enjoys showing off, and he enjoys it even more when you become fascinated and beg him to share the trick.

If you're a morning person, you'll probably spend your mornings alone in solitude, finishing work before the day begins, but if you're a night owl, you and Felix will go out for night walks and Felix would go out for night walks, sharing headphones to play some music, enjoy each others presence and develop a habit of watching the sunrise together.

Felix makes you playlists at the most random times and with the most random names. Until one day he sent you a playlist at around 4 a.m called “you”, filled with his favorite music. He usually sees music as a safe space for himself and now that you are his safe place too it’s only appropriate for him to do so. This only further proves how he spends his time thinking about you.

I feel like Felix would have what most would call "attachment issues" but it’s mainly because of his protective tendencies. This is not to say that he’s this "overly jealous toxic" character; rather, he has never had anyone to truly call his own in his entire life so he would do anything to protect it.

Felix is also big on astrology, so if you want the perfect birth chart, he'll give it to you. Also he owns a lovely deck of tarot cards, and if you ask him for a love reading, he can't manage to keep his words and feelings to himself so he modifies your reading according to him and his desires. Let the boy abuse his powers for the sake of love.

His style could be described as dark academia, his wardrobe mainly consists of dark colors, lots and lots of blazers and a lot of oversized shirts. He also loves jewelry so he owns a lot of rings and chains. Just so you know, if you're wearing any of his rings, his heart is doing cartwheels.

Is it obvious that he loves it when you place your hand in his and play with his rings with your fingertips.

Spoil him. Buy him that baby blue hoodie with cat ears.

“Ah, you look adorable.” “Isn’t it a bit too b-big ?” “You could say that. Do you mind ?” “No, I like it that way.” “I would know.” You smirk followed by felix’s gasp. “If you so desperately wanted a cat boy you know you have me right ?” Nudging your shoulder, Sage leapt into the conversation. “What is he talking about ?”  Felix grumbled, only to notice two fuzzy triangular fabrics on top of his head as he brushed his fingertips over it.

He’s obsessed with your hands, kissing your knuckles, drawing circles in your palm. At a certain point it became an involuntary gesture he does it quite often without realizing.

He’s also canonically extremely blushy but he would never admit it. You’re convinced he uses some sort of make up because it is not possible for the pink dusting his cheeks to look this good.

He insists that you’re cold even in the warmest weathers because he wants to see you in his coat.

Sage forces Felix to take his thirst trap Tiktoks.

He really appreciates it when you add to his herbal tea collection without him noticing and he considers it a sign of affection because he takes his tea very seriously.

He loses it when you call him baby he gets flustered and frustrated but it’s all because it rolls off of your tongue so nicely that he can’t get enough of it.

Felix owns a broad collection of scented lip balms some of them are tinted. You didn’t hear this from me.

He never once took anything the Sage says seriously until he saw how well you two got along. He never thought that he would be standing there taking relationship and flirting advice from the frat boy.

Felix is a complete asshole when he wants to. He’s very verbal about it too. Consistent sarcastic remarks and eye rolls. I mean it runs in his blood, look at Escell.

You love it when he suddenly whips out the confident Felix, it’s not a daily occurrence you know.

When Felix is concentrated, he’s lost and there’s almost no way you or anything else can distract him. So it’s time to grab some colorful hair clips and ties to fuck around with his hair.

Felix is not the best at verbally expressing his gratitude towards you. He doesn’t know what he would do if you weren’t there for him at the lowest points of his life where normally he would close himself and bare the weight of his family problems and personal life issues that he can’t seem to get out of. Now he has you, someone who’s willing to listen to him and offer him a warm embrace when he needs the most. 

While you to play games together, when he wins he wears that iconic shit eating grin of his with pride looking at you through the corner of his eye. “Shit, what do you want me to say to that felix ? Perhaps I should call you master now that you won ‘one’ fucking round.” He is praying that the screen light is covering the fact that he is a blushy mess after hearing you say that.

NSFW

I cannot stress this enough but he is extremely vocal in bed. Whining, trying to restrict himself from making too much noise but failing miserably.

Muffled pants, choked sobs and lots of pleasure infused tears.

He loves getting praised during sex but what he loves more is to get praised after it’s all over. Like you telling him how great he was, how well he behaved, how good he made you feel. He experiences sub drops a lot so please assure him that he did well :(

He’s into power-play but not in a submissive or dominant kind of relationship, it’s more of a psychological thing where the fact that he can see how good he makes you feel gives him a rush of confidence and adrenaline.

I believe that this motherfucker is a masochist, pain makes him more excited than getting an update on his favorite author who went on a year long hiatus and that is saying a lot.

Bite him. Scratch him. It is so stimulating for him he can reach his high just from those actions.

Fuck do anything to his ears bite, lick, pull, blow on it. He is extremely sensitive so anything you do will basically drive him out of his mind. It will most definitely lead to him trembling beneath your fingertips.

You must think that you are the only one who is such a tease but you’re wrong. Felix teases you quite often mostly to direct your attention towards him or to keep your attention on him. He’s quite greedy when it comes to you and your hands on his body. Unbuttoning unnecessary amount of buttons on his shirt to show a little skin that he knows you’ll notice. Playing with his necklace placing the chain between his lips dragging it towards the inside of his bottom lip teasing the metallic charm with the tip of his tongue. He definitely ain’t oblivious he knows exactly what he’s doing and he makes sure that you know exactly what he’s doing.

When he’s in the mood he will tug the hem of your top meanwhile his eyes are glued to the floor or graze the temples of his glasses between his lips, his teeth lightly nibbling the pointy edge. He loves to play dumb too. When you question him, he acts like he doesn’t intend anything and that you need to get your head out of the gutter.

At the end of the session Felix looks divine. Drool leaking down from his bottom lip to his jaw line towards his neck, his bangs sticking on his sweat coated forehead, his chest rising up and down quickly. His eyes rolled at the back of his head, his hands still clutching tightly to the sheets. Faint whimpers and deep breaths filling the air.

Leading up to the after care, his shy self returns. He buries his face to your chest hiding his blushy cheeks beneath the palms of his hands.

He likes to experiment a lot and you are his favorite subject.

It shouldn’t be surprising to find random kink definitions or role-play ideas on the search history of your laptop. After all Felix just asked for it to write an email, that’s all there is to it. That’s until you offer to try them out.

He doesn’t act upon his jealousy, what he does instead is that leaving marks on you especially around your neck and your chest where he knows it will show. Don’t cover them up if you don’t wanna deal with him.

“People just don’t appreciate art anymore.” “Felix these are, hickeys.” “Oh so now you are judging my art medium ?” “Since when proving Sage that I got railed by you is a form of art ?”

I didn’t see anyone point this out but whenever he is in the sub space he tends to be more on the bratty side. He starts of shy but his confidence builds up as the tension rises. Meaning that you should be ready to get your patience tested.

When you two are in separate places your suggestive words and tone leads up to phone sex, which Felix secretly fantasized about a lot. What made everything even more dirty was the fact that you didn’t know that he was laying on your bed surrounded by your scent and humping your pillow. Once you come back home you are greeted with a fresh pair of sheets on your bed. Apparently Felix decided to do you a favor and clean your room as well as the the whole house. He’s crossing fingers that you don’t notice because he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it.

Felix knows a lot about sex but his knowledge is based upon fiction rather than experience. So, naturally, he is more interested about learning specifically how your body responds to certain actions, what you enjoy and what you’re interested in so teach him. He’s a good student and oh well he’s a quick learner.

Pull his hair pull his hair put his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair.

When he settles between your legs as he ties his hair, he places the hairband between his lips and looks up at you with half lidded eyes. It’s his definition of torture.

Even though he doesn’t give off that vibe, he is very freaky if you would’ve known what his AO3 tags consisted of you would agree.

Tag list is open

[jaeqtstuff]

― 𝑔𝒽𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊

words count: 1.7k

playlist: ghost by justin bieber (recommend to listen to it while reading, just to get the feels because im suck at angst lol)

pls note that english is not my first language. but i had fun writing this so i hope you too! xx

[10:15pm] after escaping the most boring blind date that your friend set you up with, you came across the usual late night bar that you used to go during your days with beomgyu. yeah, your famous ex among your peers.

everybody knows how in love, how insanely perfect the two of you were for a love story but that was during high school. college was a whole different story. it suddenly becomes so toxic that it drained both of you. waking up every morning was a burden to the point you can't even breath in each other presence. you didn't know what went wrong, neither did he but as years passed, it was all because of childish reason. the most hurtful thing about this one is, you knew it could be saved but you didn't do anything. and neither did he.

"whiskey on the rocks." you choose to sit far from others, wanting more privacy. the bartender seems to recognise you by the way his mouth formed a big smile as if he was welcoming a friend. you smiled back, nonetheless.

let's just call it off. it's better this way. i mean can you do this everyday? doesn't this itch you?

you shut you eyes close as you slowly savouring every drops of it. why does it taste bitter? it shouldn't taste like this. i should've just go home.

fucking sick of it. fucking sick of everything and just piss off. don't you get tired of me? honestly i am. so get lost from my fucking sight.

the more you sip, the bitter it got. you didn't enjoy it. maybe that's the reason why some people avoid old places but you were there, drinking alone in the most romantic set up you could ever imagine for a late night bar, the low dimmed lights and slow soul music playing in the background and not to mention all the couple around you. you hate it so much but you can't deny the obvious fact that you missed it. you miss how this place used to caress you with memories you still keep in the deepest part of your heart.

"do people still come over to sing?" you casually asked the bartender as he slips your second drink. you remember how beomgyu used to say that he will sing at the small stage and dedicate a song for you infront of everyone in the bar but he never did.

"well yes. in fact, we're preparing for one." he replied, with much excitement at you. you look passed your shoulders, eyes fixed to the small stage at the corner. they were getting ready with the mic and there was single stool with a guitar at the side.

"he's a good singer." the bartender commented as he was wiping all the utensils he had used just now with a clean cloth. "really?" you look away from the stage and bring your glass close to the mouth. without wasting much, you gulped down the rest of the drink in one go before taking out your purse to pay. you could hear the soft melody of guitar playing at the back but you were more focus with the text displayed on your home screen. "it's weekend. leave me the fuck alone." you hissed under your breath.

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know that if I can't be close to you

I settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life

you shut the phone away and bring the card out to pay. you waited for the bartender to notice you but you were now interested with the song. your head unknowingly move with the beat, fingers tapping slowly on your bare legs. the lights on the stage were too dimmed and you couldn't see well who was the one singing but his voice was causing a whole war flashback in your head.

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

you never knew a song could break you so much, not when you least expected it but the one singing was also not helping the situation any better. he was singing his heart out, as if he was the one writing the lyrics from some kind of painful experience he ever had in his life. anyone in the bar could say the same thing.

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I need more time but time can't be borrowed

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know that if I can't be close to you

the more you listen, the more your heart ached. all these years, you thought you moved on from him. you can finally accept the fact that you can live without him by your side. in those years, it's a lie if you say you never thought of him during those drunken nights with your friends. but tonight was brutal. you could relate to the lyrics so much that you had trouble holding yourself back from any breakdown that would cost you every time you said you were good without him.

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life, yeah

you were never good.

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy (oh)

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

you were never calm after both of you called it off. you forced yourself to drink every night so that you can sleep without thinking of him but the terrible headaches every morning was torture. the moment you get up, he was all over in your head. you remember how you wanted to run back to him every night, tell him to forget all the bad pieces and just start new but by looking at the sight of it, it would make you throw up. you definitely knew it will make things worse.

you looked at the stage, still trying to see who was the one singing. heart still hurting but deep down, you were expecting something out of wicked love story. the tears building up in your eyes were not helping as your visions got blurry from the lyrics. blinking the tears away, you were nervous to look back to the stage again.

So if I can't get close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

But I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

you breathed in deeply, struggling to gain your composure. nonetheless, the shaky eyes went back to the stage where suddenly, the lights around the stage were slowly looking brighter. you could clearly see how he was playing the guitar effortlessly with his eyes closed. the expression on his face was tormentingly raw or maybe it was just your eyes telling the lies to the mind, telling you that he was also in much pain just like you were. one thing for sure, you eyes couldn't lie the one infront of you.

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

how can you forget his voice? you gasped for air, breathed in every sharp air you could get because you knew, the night will only get worse, will only wreck you even more than it did before. you could never get better from it.

the people around you start clapping, telling you that he was done singing on the stage. you could hear the soft giggle from the mic before the countless thank you from him. you carefully eyed him at the stage before taking out the cash from your purse, putting the card back inside. you couldn't be bothered about the points because the last thing you want was beomgyu seeing you in this helpless state. smudge eyeliner and mascara because of the tears and also the short lacy black dress you were wearing. it was too obvious.

so you left without looking back. and oh boy, the moment the cold air hit your face, you couldn't hold back the tears. no, you were weeping, sobbing, almost throwing up on the side road. walking to home will be hard but you were quick to stop a cab.

thank god the tears stop the moment you were in the cab. the warm seat kinda cool you down a bit but your heart was eager. you didn't stop there and pulled out the phone from your back. eventhough you didn't contact each other, you knew where to find him and in those nights like this, you always check on him. last time you did was two years ago and maybe it should just stay unchecked.

the moment it hits you, there i knew i am still holding on to the past just like how i always did. and perhaps it's because you are always there. not leaving me nor forget about me. i will just settle like this, holding on to that life i miss most. ― 15 minutes ago

wish you can stay longer so that this night would not be lonely again but it's not what i thought it is. i'm sorry. ― 2 minutes ago

you lost at the last words and now fighting your own mind, telling the cab to turn around but you couldn't get the words out from your mouth. you knew beomgyu saw you, he probably saw you in that bar. sitting alone at the furthest table from the rest. he probably saw how you were struggling in your seat, looking so pathetic in that dress.

he was right. beomgyu was right.

this night will only get lonelier. if only you stayed, maybe things could change but you knew, it can only work if both of you wanted it. he had his chance but he didn't use it. in between those tears, you laugh it off, thinking how stupid could you be with just simple words like 'i'm sorry', you were ready to throw yourself again to the deepest pit of hell with him.

choi beomgyu,

the only man who wreck you this much. the only man who can prove to you that there will be no other lover like him.

"choi beomgyu."

[steponmepinkjun]

I know we've never talked but I was scrolling through your blog and saw a post that reminded of how the song The Night We Met by Lord Huron makes me think of Asra after MC's death and I literally can't listen to that song without crying anymore. I've been avoiding that fucking song like the plague for so long bc it always makes me cry so hard I nearly drown in my own tears. Every. Single. Time. And I just can't. I'm not strong enough. Just hearing the song in my head rn makes me want to cry,,,,

I actually have a whole playlist of songs that make me sad and, like, more than half of them are songs that just remind me of Asra after MC's death. Those are always the worst. The other ones I can actually listen to without crying if I'm not already sad but the ones that make me think of Asra... hoo-boy!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with someone, idk. Feel free to ignore this lmao.

Oh you want BIG ASRA SAD SONGS? OH I'LL GIVE YOU SAD, BABEY. BUCKLE UP MY SWEET.

I'mma give you a journey, okay? A timeline. Trust me on this, I'll guide you through the hurt right on to the sunshine again. Set you up reeeeal good for that sweet sweet heartbreaking angsty shit and then follow through with some soft, gentle healing. So first imma need you to listen to "Home" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros and think of it as Asra and MC's dynamic prior to their death, traveling together, utterly comfortable and devoted to each other, reveling in the beauty of the world next to their best friend, the love of their life. Then imma need you to listen to "You Belong to Me" by Santo & Johnny and imagine Asra and mc slow dancing in the moonlight during their summer in Nopal before the plague. Arm in arm, content with the silence and the intimacy and wondering how life could possibly get better than this. And "Overtime" by Lucinda Williams when you imagine their lazy mornings together, feeling warmer than the sun in each other's arms. After that, put on "Still" by Daughter and think of the unbearable silence of the shop after MC's death. The way Asra would slowly slip further and further into the depths of the grief he was fighting. "Please Don't Go" by Barcelona when you imagine him waking in the morning, reaching to their side of the bed, expecting them to be there, before his conscious mind reminds him of the awful truth. "Sea of Love" by Cat Power when you picture the moment of their resurrection, how he must have held them so desperately, weeping over the feeling of them in his arms once again, and the confusion on their face, in equal measure. The violent, wracking sobs that would move the apprentice to silent tears for reasons they couldn't understand. "Fever Dream" by Iron & Wine when you picture the way Asra tirelessly cared for them, fed them, bathed them, rubbed coconut oil on their skin in the evenings and kissed their forehead each morning, every day, day after day, even though they couldn't get speak. "Beach Baby" by Bon Iver when you're ready to picture the way, after their first words, or the first time they reached for him after a nightmare, or the first time they laughed, truly laughed, since their return, and how Asra would smile at them so tenderly and then steal away, out of sight, to cry for their suffering, their confusion, the guilt that wracked him wondering if he'd done the right thing, the regret and the loss and the knowledge of all the memories from their Before that they'd never share again. "Wish That You Were Here" by Florence + The Machine when he misses their old self, but more than anything wishes that they could have all they've lost once again—and realizes he's falling in love with them all over again, for both the same and also entirely different reasons. "Angels" by The XX the first time they look at him with the same tenderness they did before. And, finally, "Love Song" by Lana del Rey when he's laying in bed the night after their first kiss, too overwhelmed with emotion to sleep, overcome with the possibilities and the grief for the past but most of all the all-consuming, weighty, impossible chance that his once in a lifetime love... has returned to him.

[electronicgrowth]

Can't Get Enough Part 6

Hello. Yes, I am alive and still writing this. I have an autoimmune disease that flared and knocked me on my butt, on top of preparing to move. So, I’m crazy busy! But don’t you worry my little dumplings. I haven’t forgotten about Lee and Billie. And I just realized I left that last chapter on the biggest cliff hanger ever. I’m so mean! 

But anyway..... this is a small filler chapter that I had been dragging to write. Literally wanting to add this stuff was what prevented me from posting. I have probably the next five chapters written. Also if you ever need a good Sheriff Bodecker fix, I highly recommend this playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7FDbgUjCGtBPsDNiTf8OdF?si=bfce63e832764c34

Summary: The two most stubborn people in Knockemstiff, Ohio have eyes for only each other. Lee Bodecker is determined to become the town’s next sheriff. He knows that image is everything. Billie Dechswaan doesn’t care about her image at all. All she wants is to leave Knockemstiff and never come back. But Lee has other plans for her. Both are far too stubborn to give up their own plans. What happens when they can’t get enough of each other? 

Word Count: 1.1k

After five years, Lee was done waiting. His patience for Billie to return home on her own was wearing thin. Even thinner since Arvin Russell had shot Lee and escaped him. He’d withstood far too many humiliations. 

John had been a throne in his side since Billie left. Always giving Lee dirty looks. John did not vote for Deputy Bodecker to become Sheriff Bodecker and convinced most of his farming friends to follow his lead. 

Joy was a completely different story. She still let Lee in the house when he came over. After the first two years Joy would make off-handed comments about Billie. It led him to believe that maybe Joy knew more than she was letting on. But he didn’t want to press it. He needed to have Joy firmly on his side when Billie came home. Lee’s fondness for Joy did nothing to deter his revenge plans upon her husband. 

He decided to pay some men to tamper with the brakes of John’s car. Two local guys from a couple of towns overs, he had caught soliciting prostitutes— both were married. Lee promised to keep their secret if they did this one thing for him. He told them it was the car of some other dirtbag criminal to cover his tracks. The action would kill two birds with one stone. Lee would have his revenge on John for making Billie leave like she did and Billie would have to come home for the funeral. 

Billie got a job as a librarian. She had and kept her baby. She named her Elizabeth Joy Bodecker. Against her better judgement she listed Lee on the birth certificate. She tried to move on, but always thought of Lee. She hated her job and how much it kept her from her daughter. She just wanted to be home with her amazing, lovely baby. She started dating a new guy, Larry. She didn’t like him that much, but it soon became clear that Larry intended to keep her. He hit her for the smallest infractions and beat her for bigger ones. 

Billie savored her moments with her daughter when it was just the two of them. Her favorite thing to do on Sundays was cook with Beth. Beth would sit on the counter as Billie did all the real work. The radio would be going. Billie would sing sad love songs to her baby, sometimes they would even dance to the music. Billie would swing Beth around the kitchen, all while Beth giggled uncontrollably. These were Billie’s favorite moments. Beth would ask about her daddy. Billie would say the same thing each time. “Daddy was the love of Mommy’s life. He was a great man. But sometimes life leads us in different directions.” It wasn’t the best thing to say, but what else could be said? 

Billie almost ran home five times in the course of those five years. The first time was shortly after Beth was born. She was colicky and wouldn’t latch. Billie needed her mama, or her sister, or her Lee. She called the Ross County Police Department and asked to speak with Lee one evening. The receptionist put her through. 

“Bodecker,” he’d answered gruffly. His voice. She had to cover the receiver with a dish towel so he couldn’t hear her sobs. 

“Hello?” He growled. Just when she almost spoke he hung up. 

The second time was on Beth’s first birthday. She regretted how different her daughter’s first birthday was from all the ways she imagined it should be. She missed Lee.

The third and fourth time she almost went home were after fights with Larry. She thought if she couldn’t get out she’d lose it. But she wasn’t as trapped as she felt. Not really. Surely if she called Lee he’d hightail it up to New York and bring her home. A part of her didn’t want to test that theory. What if he didn’t want her anymore? 

The fifth and final time Billie almost went home was when Lee got shot. Sylvia’s husband Tim was a deputy. Sylvia told Billie what had happened. The news had been an icy shock to her veins. It took everything in her not to pack her bags that night. It took all her willpower not to drive through the night to get to Lee and take care of him. She carefully directed Sylvia on Lee’s favorite foods and told her younger sister to make sure he was being fed. Billie knew Sylvie was rolling her eyes, they didn’t need to be together for her to know that. Sylvie did it anyway. She also relayed how grateful Lee had been. But that he seemed a bit suspicious, Sylvie had no way of knowing what his favorite foods were without Billie telling her. 

The sixth time Billie felt drawn to go home she listened to her gut. On that night, Larry had beaten her again, this time in public. They’d been out on a date. Billie had left Beth with the elderly neighbor lady across the hall. She intended to break-up with Larry that night. But as she began to broach the subject, he flipped their table at the restaurant and threw her on the ground. He proceeded to kick her repeatedly until the manager was able to restrain him. The police were called and she went down to their station to give her statement.

She’d stumbled home from the police station, bruised and tired. Thankfully the bruises were kept to places she could hide, and thankfully he’d done it in public that time so he was caught. Larry was being held in jail. What he did was undeniable. They would probably hold him for a week or two and let the charges drop. As she entered her apartment, the phone rang. She didn’t want to pick up, she wanted to get Beth from her neighbor and go to sleep. She picked up anyway.

“Hello?” 

“B-Billie,” Clara said, “It’s daddy. He’s d-dead.” 

Shock. Dread. Despair. How do you describe the feeling of losing your father forever? Especially with so many words unsaid. No apologies uttered. A situation completely unresolved. Was it guilt? Was it anger? No. It was only sorrow. 

“How?” 

“Car wreck. Come home.” And then the line went dead. Billie was out of options. She knew what she had to do. It was just going to be very unpleasant.

Joy was a wreck, but Sylvia, being the good and dutiful daughter that she was, helped her mother through planning a funeral. The last thing on her mind was communicating with Billie. The funeral was held one week after the accident. Billie managed to break her lease, sell her furniture and pack her bags in just four days. She was running again. But this time she was running home. 

@greeneyedblondie44 @bxnnywriting @kitty4860

[whowhatifs]

I was listening to a playlist when I saw your posted this, Champion by Elina was playing and I think it made it all the more emotional. 😭 (I mean the lyrics don't fit perfectly, but there are some parts and just the general vibe).

Being on my own used to feel so normal, but I’m not used to it anymore. I’d grown used to having the Unit around, to visits from Dinah, to the quiet steady buzz of activity about the Warehouse. I can't even identify what part of these lines exactly did it, but this absolutely broke my heart.

“Maybe from you,” I say waggling my eyebrows without thinking. Bahahahahaha I love her. I’m caught up in the fun, just enjoying the teasing and joking, but then the quiet falls over the table. *laughter turns into sobs* Serena having someone that's became so much part of her life that joking about this is a reflex, I- 😭💔

I thought I had grown used to the solitude, but maybe I was just kidding myself. I’m so very good at that. It’s too quiet and the walls are too close. Someone give her a damn hug 😭💔 you're not alone Serena, if nothing else I am with you in thought 😔💕 (I say "if nothing else" but Mason absolutely is with her too)

I try to focus on this new person, on these new sensations, but all I can do is compare. All I can do is remember grey eyes and the growl of voice. All I can do is remember the way his hands would move over me. This was supposed to help me move on, but I feel more surrounded by Mason then I have in weeks. I'm growing increasingly incoherent in my head. 😭 The pain of just... feeling empty and disconnected even though she's trying... My chest aches just reading this.

Wrapped in my towel I watch the light outside my window change, from blue to pink to gold. None of my old tricks are working anymore. I could try to run further, to stay away from Dinah, from Farah and Nate and Adam, from anything that might remind me of him, but I don’t know if that would be enough. Not sure if I'm in for more heartbreak or something so beautiful that it also breaks my heart somehow, either way I welcome it gladly.

Thank you for yet another wonderful creation 💕💕💕

something stupid

chapter 12 of Just another liability

read on ao3

pairing: Mason/f!oc (Serena Willis)

rating/warning: mature, drinking and one night stands

words: 1.2k

                “When are you going to come back?”

               “Farah!” Dinah yells.

               I just roll my eyes. I ‘m not surprised that Farah is bringing it up again. She took my leaving hard. It probably didn’t help that I was too much of a coward to tell her myself. To tell any of them. I had let Agent Greene deliver the news. Technically I was on a leave of absence, I could return to active duty if I so chose. In six months, we would reassess the situation and see what I wanted to do.

               I wish I knew what I wanted to do.

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