#doesn't help that I've had no energy for drawing lately to maybe get ppl to interact first

[p2ii]

.

[jellytheteawolf]

Gonna vent a little on here bc there's less ppl and it won't be pushed anywhere, mostly venting abt feeling some sort of imposter syndrome

I'm so fuckign sad. It's been building up the past month I feel bc I haven't been able to sit down and make original art. I've been really into nezha lately which helps with keeping my creativity a little, but I feel bad bc I haven't made anything original/focused on my original work lately

I have so many wip comics and pieces and in the past ie through highscgool I almost never had multiple wips at once bc I always managed to finish every piece I started. But now I have many ideas limited time/energy bc uni (or I might just be making excuses for myself who fucking knows) and I can't finish any original work at all. I feel like my skill is stagnating

Back in hs I took ap studio art in my junior and senior year, and I made full pieces like every week. Even when I was feeling burnt out I still managed to make something and my skill level shot up. Now I'm like. Fml

It's not the fact that I feel I am "losing relevance" or feel "pressured by the algo" or wtv. I've been sub 1k on all my social media for 6 yrs and I've long made peace with never having a large audience that'll like my original work /gen, I have many talented moots and that's good enough for me. It's the fact that I'm afraid I'm going to die without ever having published/shared my oc story, and my ocs + original stories will die with me

I've been concepting my Heartbreak story + ocs since middle school. They are my true passion project and inspiration and reason why I feel drive to create and be alive. I think of everything, the scope of it all, and I feel it'll never happen.

By scope I mean the complexity of the story and my skills being unable to convey it properly. On one hand I either put too much detail into a page that it isn't sustainable, or I don't do enough and I feel unsatisfied. Maybe all creators feel like this, maybe this is normal. But I want to fuckign bash my head in

I've been repeating to myself that any progress is still progress. And that trying at all is better than not doing anything. But online I see ppl saying things along the line like... no one cares if it's a passion project if it's bad. And usually I'm good abt not gaf but it's been getting under my ski and sometimes I wonder if it's better to just save myself the effort and heartache and just. Not do it

Especially bc I'm not majoring in art/my career won't be in art. When I was applying for colleges my mom told me that if I chose art path she would not pay my tuition nor support me in any way shape or form. "It's your life and I won't interfere" except fucking leave it entirely huh. I get it comes out of a place of care esp since they're first gen immigrants and they know that other paths are more stable but it's just. Idfk man

And I'm a pussy. A fucking coward. I am stuck in a gray area where I don't want to "suffer" like an art student and be forced to make so much art where the joy is sucked out of creation for me. But I love art too much to just let it go. I can't choose one or 5he other completely bc I'm greedy and stupid

And yea art as a hobby exists but then circle back to my ocs and stories and fear that I'll die with nobody ever knowing their story.

I want to make a oc comic so bad. But I'm too cowardly to commit to the effort and tears it'd take to make it good. I'm too cowardly to be on my own and get cut off, too cowardly to be an art student, too cowardly to do fucking anything except feel bad about myself. And I could write it. Except I'm shit at writing and it doesn't scratch the same itch drawing does.

And all of that combined with the idea that it doesn't deserve to be seen/shouldn't be seen if it isn't "good." Makes me feel I should give up

I won't though, at least not completely. Because I genuinely would not be able to forgive myself if I gave up. Idek know what I'm doing I'm scattered everywhere I can't think of anything. I have no vision for my future in a world that demands a clear vision to survive.

I tire myself too. I'm just like a cockroach who wants to die but can't commit and do it. If I feel horrible everyday, at least I'll try for my friends. If I can make my friends happy at least a few more days in the infinite future I think I could. Forgive myself a little. 老娘 is fucking tired