#especially if you dont get to come out in community. like mac didn't

[specialtysacrifice]

Idk if Mac had a strong sense of self before coming out. I think a lot of it was constructed and obviously based on people he thought he should be like. His dad, or action movie characters. It looked like he had a strong personality, being bossy and stubborn, but I bet if he was asked any typical "fist date" questions, he'd come off like a cardboard cut out, or like an action figure toy with a pull string. Only able to say obvious macho bro-ey answers, not understanding how to genuinely answer. And he truly believed that's who he was. He had to. Because if he wasn't that, wasn't a man, who was he?

Coming out, going back, coming out again, eventually having it stick, he doesn't know who the fuck he is or supposed to be. I think being Gay is a title/role to Mac in the same way being Straight or a Man was. He's only ever seen queers in a negative or, at best, stereotypical light so he doesn't understand the deeper levels to himself. He's just swapped roles from "macho rowdy ladies man" to "gay bear/hunk sex machine" in place of understanding himself on a deeper level.

There's an assumption that queer people have a deeper sense of self and understand ourselves better than cis straight people, but coming out isn't always a coming home. It can destroy your sense of self and leave you completely lost about who you are as a person. It can feel like starting from ground zero.

We see this with Mac almost immediately. Mac Finds His Pride has him lost the whole episode, apathetically going from one queer scene to the next as Frank tries to help him find what Type of Gay he is. Eventually culminating in an attempt to still gain his father's approval. I think the dance helped Mac process his relationship with god, but he is still very lost as a person by the end of the episode.

Another example, very obviously, is when they're in Ireland. Mac has lost all sense of identity. Already struggling with his catholocism and being gay, he's shortly stripped of his Irish identity as well (and immediately tries to figure out how to be Dutch? iirc). That's Mac's whole plot for that entire season pretty much.

He looks to other people to tell him what to do, almost refuses to make his own decisions. Who is Mac? What does he like to do? Not in relation or service to other people, but to himself? I don't think the writers, Rob, or Mac know the answers. He's not gay, he's Mac. What does that mean?

I don't know where else to go with this. Besides that, I feel that in The Gang Goes Bowling, we see just a little bit of Mac returning. Or rather, becoming. I hope we see more of him.