#every time I write a chapter I get three chapters a sequel a new unrelated fic with a plot I though of while writing

[hoe-doroki]

ana’s bnha x reader masterlist

first updated 11.17.20 last updated 07.13.21 desktop version found here bkdk masterlist: desktop | mobile

fics [38] drabbles [13]

Thanks for dropping by! I want to note that I no longer write x reader and instead am writing bakudeku shipfic. So! By all means, read, like, comment on my fics here! But I can't recommend that you follow me unless you like bakudeku. Hope you enjoy your time here regardless! <3

legend:

character x character

Title w/ link | [rating] | word count | genre

Synopsis

ratings are bracketed: e.g. [g], [t], [m], [e]

[g] - appropriate for general audiences [t] - appropriate for audiences 13+ [m] - contains non-graphic adult themes [e] - explicit, 18+ readers only

🌸 = personal faves

characters x reader: no ship (1), aizawa (2), bakugou (12), endeavor (1), iida (2), kaminari (1), kirishima (4), midoriya (7), shinsou (2), todoroki (19)

Everything is in alphabetical order <3

no ship

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort

The results are in and your class is all with you as you process the results

aizawa x reader

Stress Relief | [e] | 3k | smut

There's a new regulation that forces you to take an extra class before you can graduate college. When you learn that Eraserhead is teaching the class, you’re a little more interested.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort 

Aizawa reminds that you were prepared for this and, together, you can handle it.

bakugou x reader

Can’t Find My Breath | [e] | 4.2k | smut 🌸

At the beginning of the day, Ground Zero was just another hero you wrote articles about. Now it’s nighttime and you’ve just left a bar together. Companion to The Rest with No Sound

Christmas Cold | [g] | 1k | fluff

You and Katsuki manage to make it to your parents' house for the holidays, but you've come down with a little cold.

Doing Something Right | [e] | 1.8k | smut

You’re pregnant and happily enjoying domestic bliss when Katsuki comes in, unable to resist you.

Frustration | [e] | 3.1k | smut

request. After a long day of work, Katsuki comes home frustrated and you, suffering from a different kind of frustration yourself, know exactly what will help you both.

Gorgeous | [e] | 1.5k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask. When you have a negative response to Katsuki touching you in a moment of insecurity, he intends to do whatever he can to alleviate your fears.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

Magic | [e] | 2.2k | smut

request. Katsuki comes home early and catches you...taking care of yourself.

Miniskirts | [e] | 0.8k | smut 🌸

After a long day, Katsuki takes a shower and his thoughts turn to you.

On the Job | [e] | 4.5k | smut 🌸

Super human society has a secret. Aphrodisiac quirks aren’t just of porn and fantasy--they’re common and too often fall into the wrong hands. When heroes get hit, someone has to be able to activate the quirk’s release condition. If they’re single, who might that someone be?

You.

The Rest with No Sound | [t] | 8.5k | slow burn, fluff 🌸

Bakugou thinks that people who wake up not remembering where they are are idiots. This is confirmed when it happens to him, head aching from a night of drinking. Idiot. But when he looks over, and sees you there, he realizes he doesn’t remember anything. So he has to gather the scattered pieces from the day before to figure out exactly how he ended up with you. Companion to Can’t Find My Breath

Stay | [g] | 2.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

ask. The last thing you want to do on a rough day is worry Bakugou with your problems. So you try to hide it. You should have known better.

Steamy | [e] | 2.7k | smut

request. You're a pro hero, rising in the ranks and, happy though he is for you, Katsuki's old jealousy begins to roil. After you've been paraded around all evening as one of Japan's finest, Katsuki finds himself feeling more than a little possessive, and can't help himself from taking you as his.

Steel and Lace | [e] | 3.8k | smut

The only one who manages to get Bakugou’s birthday right is you.

endeavor x reader

When the Smoke Clears | [e] | 17.4k | slow burn, smut

Soulmate AU. After his battle with Hawks against Hood, Endeavor wakes up in the hospital to find that a young doctor saved his life, their quirk being able to counteract the negative effects of his own. His first thought is that he has to talk to you–you might be able to fix the drawbacks of his quirk. His second thought is oh no, not again.

iida x reader

Broken Glass | [g] | 1.8k | fluff, mild comfort

request. In a quirk-related accident you find yourself surrounded by shattered glass. Worst of all, most of that glass is from every single pair of your boyfriend’s glasses.

Flotsam, Jetsam, Lagan, and Derelict | [g] | 1.5k | hurt/comfort

ask. Trying to hide a panic attack from your boyfriend isn’t easy when he’s right next to you. But you’re determined to suffer alone.

kaminari x reader

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

You share your unsteady hope with Kaminari.

kirishima x reader

Silhouette | [e] | 1.8k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask.  Before a gala, you’re stuck in the mirror, caught on all your old body insecurities. Kiri comes in and loves you regardless.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

We’ll See | [g] | 6.3k | gen, light romance 🌸

demisexual!Reader. After a fateful meeting, you and Kirishima keep running into each other. And although he’s so nice, you fear the fact that he might be interested in you. Even though all you want is, for once, to let yourself be happy and maybe fall in love, you can’t seem to be able to.

What We Look For | [t] | 15.5 | slow burn

Last time, you and Kirishima became friends—nothing more, nothing less. The idea of being something more sounds nice. But you can’t. You just can’t. So you won’t. Whatever happens will be on your own terms. Sequel to We'll See

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Kirishima freaks out while you experience a numb calm. You meet in the middle.

midoriya x reader

Bad Days | [g] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

Izuku helps you get out of bed.

Sunlight | [e] | 2.1k | smut 🌸

request. An early afternoon in bed with your husband, Izuku.

Surprised, Just Once | [e] | 5k | smut

request. You were planning on just another predictable night out with the girls. What you got was much, much more.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.3k | hurt/comfort

Izuku holds you close while you watch the results.

Multiple unrelated oneshots with Deku with an s/o with an eating disorder | ask

Gratitude | [t] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

After having been with Izuku a while, you’re suffering a relapse and he helps you through with some gratitude practices on date night.

Picnic | [t] | 1.8k | hurt/comfort

Izuku surprises you with a picnic on your second date, much to your horror.

A Start | [t] | 1.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

You ask Izuku for help when you realize you need it.

Trust Yourself | [t] | 2.3k | hurt/comfort

Shortly after moving in together, Izuku learns of your struggles and tries his best to comfort and encourage you.

shinsou x reader

Passing the Night Stars | [g] | 3.2k | hurt/comfort

The party was neon and you needed darkness.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Shinsou helps you prioritize yourself.

todoroki x reader

All Dressed Up | [e] | 4.6k | smut 🌸

quarantine fic. It’s been months since you’ve dressed up, felt pretty, and felt seen by anyone. Your husband’s birthday is a perfect excuse to get all dressed up. And then take it right off.

All the Wasted Time | [e] | 3.2k | smut, fluff

Three months ago, you’d been ripped from Shouto’s side with something less than a love confession, something more than a show of feelings. Now that you’re back, you’re eager to make up for lost time. Siberia sequel, First Snow prequel

Bad Days | [g] | 0.9k | hurt/comfort 🌸

Shouto comforts you when your demons arrive unexpectedly.

First Snow | [g] | 2.2k | fluff

A year after the events in Siberia, you and Shouto are happily together, and it’s the first snow of the year. Siberia and All the Wasted Time sequel

On the Job | [e] | 3.4k | smut 🌸

Super human society has a secret. Aphrodisiac quirks aren’t just of porn and fantasy--they’re common and too often fall into the wrong hands. When heroes get hit, someone has to be able to activate the quirk’s release condition. If they’re single, who might that someone be?

You. Sequel to On the Job (Bakugou); can be read alone

Siberia | [e] | 13.8k | pining/angst, smut, fluff 🌸

On the field, you and Todoroki are rising stars amongst hero pairings. Off the field…you’re kind of in love with him. After a successful capture, you’re boss brings you in to let you know you’re being sent on assignment in foreign country…alone. Before you leave, you have to act. You’re not partners anymore, after all. And with a little liquid courage you do. Then, the next morning, you still have to leave. All the Wasted Time and First Snow prequel.

Worth it | [t] | 0.3k | gen

The morning after with your boyfriend, Shouto.

2021 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.5k | hurt/comfort

The stress of election day comes back swiftly during the Georgia runoff and Todoroki’s quick to notice.

all works below are within the world of the a spare heart series:

A series about a fem, American reader who had to transfer to U.A. partway through second year. You’re there to become a hero, that much is obvious, but why else did you come? And, more importantly, what—or who—makes you stay?

timeline

may, year two:

- reader finishes junior year of American high school early

- reader transfers to u.a. from the united states

The Meeting | [g] | 0.1k | gen

Reader meets Tokoyami for the first time. Sequel to first impressions from my wip list

Hollow Victory | [g] | 9.6k | gen, action

chapter 1 | chapter 2

You transferred to U.A. from America two weeks ago. No one has found out your quirk yet. Today, they’re going be meeting it head on and you have the advantage: surprise.

june, year two:

Illiterate | [g] | 2.1k | fluff, comfort

Being unable to read Japanese makes you feel so stupid. And who comes into the common room after midnight just as you’re about to cry? The boy who hasn’t spoken to you in three weeks.

sequels

The Offering | [g] | 0.4k | fluff, gen.

The Mission (Shouto POV) | [g] | 0.3k | fluff, gen., silly

september, year two:

Impetus | [g] | 2.1k | friendship

Ever since Shinsou found out what your quirk was, the two of you have been each other’s best friends and confidantes. But when he turns a casual training session into a tease over your supposed crush on someone in your class, that trust might just break.

january, year two:

This Clock Never Seemed So Alive | [g] | 1.2k | fluff, comfort

You and your boyfriend, Shouto, always walk to class together, but today you haven’t yet left your dorm. When he checks on you, he finds you awake, but curled on your side, suffering from period cramps.

sequels

The Questions (drabble) | [g] | 0.1k | gen.

The Sweetness (double drabble) | [g] | 0.2k | fluff, comfort

february, year three:

Between Fear and Guilt | [t] | 2.5k | light angst, comfort

You and Shouto only started being intimate a couple months back, but you’re already experiencing a dry spell. Today you’re going to figure out what’s up with your boyfriend once and for all.

fifteen years after graduation

Something Perfect | [e] | 3.7k | smut, fluff

After years of questioning if Shouto would ever want children, he’s finally decided that he really does. Overjoyed, the two of you decide to get started.

[justfangstvdto]

Open Coffin 2 | Chapter 01 “City Of Devils”

Disclaimer: This is a sequel! Find Part 1 here. For some context, I´d advise you to watch The Originals to understand some occurrences.

Chapter warnings: typical vamp behaviour, blood, murder, angst and some very obvious foreshadowing

Word count: 4104

Tags & Author Note at the bottom. Feedback is my lifeblood and keeps the writing coming.

Open Coffin 2 Masterlist

Your name: submit What is this?

You were surrounded by pulsating air. Alive and undead hearts sinking to the pace of the drums. There was dooming danger in the air in the packed bar turned nightclub, as hunters moved amongst their prey. It would be only a matter of time before the hunters overpowered them.  

On cue, the lights dimmed to a sombre shade of red and the hunters ceased their movements. You identified them through the rousing crowd, eyes veined and fangs bared - ready for attack.

Three.

Two.

One.

Midnight. Time to feed.

Your fangs punctured the delicate skin of the neck closest and the addicting crimson blood drained into your mouth. The horrid screams from the human in your grip were drowned out by the sheer pleasure of holding a life in your hands.

The brink was here. Was there hope for your prey yet?

You stepped over it, without blinking, without remorse. One less tortured soul to roam the earth. If you came to think of it, you did them a favor.

With evil on the mind and blood spatters in the air, you retreated the battlefield concealed as a dancefloor. You headed to the bar, unbothered to swipe your bloody mouth. There was no use in pretending anymore, to hide behind a mask. The world had seen what wretched thing you were, and you were unbothered by it. Let them see, let them fear. It kept them away.

Ordering a bourbon with the wave of your hand, you sat down on the remote end, further from the thumping music.

“Rough night?” The bartender tried to joke with you.

“Rough life.” That answer may have been trite, but hell if it wasn't ́t the truth. And you didn't need that dimwit behind the bar to remind you of that. “Just do your job and pour the liquor. I ́m not looking for a shrink.”

He backed off, hands raised in defence. The relief of silence was short-lived though as two loudly talking vampires joined next to you, their mouth tinted from their feast.  

“You heard about what's happening in New Orleans?” One of the vampires said to the other.

This Bar, in the heart of Hell´s Kitchen, was where supernatural gossip lived. Everybody talked and gossiped about friends and enemies alike, but none had anything to say that was of particular interest to you.

You heard about the other side collapsing, the recent change in leadership in New Orleans, even talk of Klaus ́ mystical daughter that died in a war between werewolves and the Mikaelsons. And you heard about Damon ́s death. You had to hear it out of someone else's mouth, instead of Stefan ́s. You were not even invited to his funeral, nobody tried to even contact you. Not once. So much for the unbreakable bond of family everyone kept going on about. All bullshit.

So instead of wallowing in grief, you preoccupied yourself with mercenary-like jobs in exchange for currency, which in your case, was spells and spellbooks to hone your craft. You did not have any other purpose, so you made your own. To harness enough knowledge to never watch someone perish in front of your eye ever again. Or to destroy anyone standing in your path.

“Apparently,” The vampire continued “there's some shit going down. Something about a witch that ́s back from the dead who's jumping into people's bodies. Can you imagine?”

“I ́m not surprised, that place gives me the creeps, man.”

“Yeah, but jumping into someone's body? That´s fucking weird.”

“Sounds like a job for those hunter brothers on tv. They ́d clean that shit up good.”

“Hell yeah, man!”

You had no desire to listen after that, consumed by new opportunity. There was only one witch that could´ve risen from the dead causing that much trouble. Esther. It had to be her.

How was she back? The other side collapsed not 4 months ago and with it every spirit in there. Then, a thought crossed your mind that had you spiralling; If Esther crawled out of hell, could he be back too? Was there a chance he made it out alongside her?

All hope deafened when whispers came from men next to you that were oh so chipper a second ago. The taller one with jet-black hair looked over his shoulder and saw you sitting there and promptly turned his head with fear in his eyes.

You were used to it. People here knew what you were. A new species of hybrid. A freak. They crossed the streets when you came along, children ran away and hid behind their parents. They always feared what they did not know, what they were not able to comprehend.

The hushed whispers continued for another minute before you intervened.

“You got something to say to my face?”

“Nah, nothing.” The shorter ashen blond guy shook his head.

You wanted to leave it at that, to let them go with a warning not to talk in whispered hushes. But something in their dismissal made you angry. So as it was and as it has been for the last 2 years, and unexpected visitor knocked on the door that is your mind. And you welcomed old friend Rage with open arms.

You were not burdened by simple anger anymore. Something changed and transformed anger into rage and loneliness into despair. It was nothing like the usual vampire heightened feelings, it was a thousand times worse. The intensity, the strong, yet sometimes short, but intense feeling of emotions was something else entirely.

When anger would hit you wanted to destroy, cry and scream. You wanted to let out your wickedest thoughts, and you wanted the world to feel your pain.

There was too much energy flowing inside your bones to contain it so you let it out and you did not care who saw you like that.

This was no different.

You chanted into your closed palm and blew it over with a single breath of air. Within an instant, ashen veins burned their skin and invisible hands strangled the air out of their lungs. They tried to scream, tried to beg for their lives, but you let them disintegrate.

Served them right.

The room fell silent, nothing but gasps and retreating footsteps.

“Anyone else?” You addressed the room, but were met with instant silence “Didn't think so.”

You leaned back on the chair, and within another sip of bourbon, a plan of action for dealing with Esther and New Orleans edged itself into your mind. You smiled at the sheer craziness of it all. It was pure suicidal lunacy. It dug up old enemies, made new ones and, upon failure, leave the city in ruins.

Fuck it, you had nothing to lose descending into the crescent.

Next stop; New Orleans.

--------

Neon signs burned in the dawning morning sky, illuminating the streets like a beacon of hope and salvation for the tempted souls wandering in them. The Crescent City was the sort of city where easy living during the day occurred. Tourists wandered the streets, thinking this was where they wanted to get lost in, where they would let themselves go. 

But New Orleans had a darkness that lingered in the shadows. Come nightfall, innocent souls always ended up pulled into the dark abyss by wretched souls that littered the paved streets with their bloodshed.

Unlike their glow, the memories attached to this place that was long forced behind closed doors burned like a forest fire. Unrelenting, yet familiar, like coming home after being away on vacation: Adventures lost, but the familiarity and comfort greater than any hardships that linger.

Almost any at least. 

But his presence lingered around every corner, in every face that passed and in every nook and cranny in this city. It bled his and his family name, even more so since Klaus reclaimed the city's throne. 

You stood where the first stone was placed by the returned King himself decades ago, a fitting starting point you found. From there you descended on your enemies tails. 

“Don't you know that the devil walks among us?”An elderly man, sitting beneath a shadowed street light shouted as you approached from across the street.

“Oh, believe me, I know. I ́ve met him.” You said and dropped a 100 dollar bill in his turned-over hat “ Problem is, there ́s not only one of them. This is New Orleans, we all have horns.” 

You pitied the man, yet you wished you had a belief as strong as his. Something to rage against, to pretend to fight for. Something that burned so deep I inside your soul you had to shout it off of rooftops, smear it down on a piece of paper or whisper into a trusted ear. 

Perhaps you would find it here. New Orleans had tricks up its sleep it left every city in its shadow. And with the current faction war brewing, things were bound to reach a tipping point. 

And no one knew war more than your destination for the night.

The Mikaelson Compound.  

----------------

Timing had no place in the French Quarter. There was no good time for confrontation, no time for rest and certainly no time to waltz into a stronghold unannounced. 

You were aware of that, painfully so, but when timing had no place then neither had fear. He would smell it out, twist it and spit it back on your face. 

Stepping into the spacious courtyard felt like being dragged between the past and future. It was as if laid with a photograph of what lies before you today with another, shine-through one of the past. If the walls could talk they had tales to tell of manoeuvres schemed,  and allies lost, but most of all, they would have told you to run away and never return. 

But this was another point of your plan and was clear it would be the easiest to execute but hardest to stomach. Convincing the self-proclaimed king to join your side.

You followed the sound of paintbrushes stroking on canvas. Ascending the stairs, your feet remembered to navigate the labyrinth and you quickly found your way to his room. You expected to be greeted with a scowl or even a tinge of surprise, instead, you were met with a paintbrush rushing in your direction. Within a blink of an eye and a flick of your wrist, the paintbrush disintegrated to ash. 

“If your intent was the element of surprise, you lost it.”Klaus said, and you could detect the smile through his voice before you saw it “Y/N. I knew we would meet again.”

“Trust me, I tried to avoid it longer. But I can't exactly say no to a bloodbath and I heard this one is gonna be a big mess, so here I am,” You said spectating the strewn about paintings that leaned against the wall. Most where muted colors, full of sorrow. “Damn these are depressing. And I thought your grey period in the '30s was the worst."

“Have you come with a reason or simply to critique my art?”

“Both I guess.” You shrug your shoulders,  “But, let's cut to the chase. Your mother sent me.” His demeanour changed radically, like a sail changing in an oncoming storm “You´ve met her as that Cassie girl, right?”

“You dare come into my home as one of her disciples?” He sounded appalled, disappointed even. His muscle tensed, ready for attack. 

But you knew him. You knew he'd slice first and ask questions later. 

“If you think about attacking me, don't even try. I just have to rub these two fingers together and you´d be immobilized.” 

"I see you accommodated to your new powers. Outright hypocritical if I might add." 

“Can we just have a civilized conversation, please? ”

He raised his eyebrow “Civilized?You?” 

“Look who´s talking.” 

“Let me guess; Esther sought you out to persuade me to accept her foolish deal? To forsake this vessel and take on a new, human body?.”

"That's the plan. Thing is, I don't really follow orders, especially not from her. That is why I ́m here." 

He took the time to study your features, to find some sort of indication of truth or deception. But you looked at him, unwavering.

“Why would you tell me this? To garner my trust? My appreciation, perhaps?” 

“You trust me as much as I trust you, so no. I want to offer you a deal of my own. I'll tell you what she's up to, and you don't annihilate me for working with her.  As easy as that.”

“You ought to play double agent?” He dismissed as if he thought it impossible “How do I make certain you did not promise her the same in exchange for, well, let me guess, everlasting power? A unicorn perhaps?”

“You don't. Then again, you ́re a man of words and not of deeds yourself. How do I know you won't kill me anyway?”  

“What did she offer you?” He repeated, disregarding your question. 

"Kol back from the dead.”  It was the first time you spoke his name in years and it felt like dragging it through dirt with Klaus in the room. It felt wrong, but you continued nevertheless “Now I know what you ́re thinking. Poor girl can ́t live without her love...how tragically cliché. I can, physically, live without him. I can, but I don't want to. He deserves better” You informed, prepared for the onslaught of judgment 

Klaus remained unconvinced still, you saw it on his face. 

“There is one slight inconvenience.” He said, “My wretched mother could easily manipulate your desire to resurrect my brother and operate against you. ”

“I know how to deal with a wretched parent, trust me.”

Wretched was never a strong enough word to accurately describe your father. Violent when drunk, absent when sober and spirit destroying all around. 

“A drunkard is hardly any comparison to the most powerful and deceitful witch the world has ever known.”

“But the desire to send them screaming back to hell is.”  

That made him finally pause and you could swear a smile twitched across his lips. Good. That meant he was warming up. As much as someone like Klaus could. 

 “Look, if you don't want my help, fine. But you know as much as I do that taking down your enemy from the inside requires someone to be a traitor to the cause. You need me.” 

“Why you? I have an army at my disposal, why would I possibly require your help?” 

“I have nothing left to lose. That makes me the dangerous one, and as you know dangerous wins wars.”

-----------------------

Klaus agreed to your deal within your next glass of bourbon at Roussous´s. He stated his concerns in a calm manner, but not without adding life-threatening menaces, disguised in Shakespearean platitudes. Typical Klaus behavior. In a way, you were glad he hadn't changed. It only meant you knew what you were dealing with. 

Esther, on the other hand, was much more unpredictable. When you negotiated your involvement in her operation before involving Klaus, she promised her assistance and the spell to resurrect Kol from the dead. She told you exactly what you wanted to hear, and you could not help but doubt her intentions. But alas, she was the lesser of two evils. 

But at last, one beacon of hope, that had been standing its ground long before Esther crawled out of Hell,  survived the nuisance of time; Roussous

The establishment was in similar condition as it has been since you last saw it. The flooring had the same scratches of battles waged, crumbles in the walls of bodies slammed into and the same stench of old bourbon that soaked to wood to its core.  

There was a booth in the back right in the middle, anchoring both rows on each wall that separated the units. The vantage point from the seats where perfect,  the bar was in sight as well as the exit and the employee side entrance - no matter where you looked, a surprise visit was impossible without being seen. 

It was your and Kol ́s booth back in the day. You declared it so was after Kol invited you dug in there during a sudden rainfall, only days after he invited you to join his families festivities, the night where you chased all the stars in the sky. Before that night, you hid away from prying eyes, mostly Klaus´, to prevent suspicion. 

Klaus had almost caught Kol once as he sneaked out to meet you. Of course, Kol was crafty and had a feeling that his control freak of a brother would follow him eventually. He led him in a different direction when he spotted him and made sure he was truly gone before heading off to find you, here at Roussos.  

You slid into the seat after you had ordered Bourbon at the front and the green leather squeaked with your weight. Once situated, you looked at the wooden pillar behind you, expecting carved initials in them. You and Kol's carved initials. But the dark painted wood did not match. They replaced it.

You brushed your fingers over where your and Kol ́s initials where carved previously, silently chanting a spell you retrieved from a skilled witch in India months ago. You smiled as the initials reappear in the dark wood. Sometimes the past was not meant to be erased, and you were not ready to let them erase him so easily. Not the city folk nor his family, no one. 

Loud buzzing that came from your phone distracted you on your tangent into the past. You looked at the display. Esther. 

“I was just on my way.”  You lied as you picked up her call  “He took the deal just as I thought he would. I fed him some bullshit about taking down the enemy from the inside and he took the bait. “

“Good work. What about the stake?” Esther said. 

She had asked about the white oak on your first meeting and set it as a condition to your mutual agreement. You told her that you had lost the white oak years ago, probably at the hands of Klaus.

“I can ́t exactly snoop around with him there.”

“I want that stake.” She repeated impatiently “No matter what you have to do to get it.”

“You ́ll get it, I promise.” 

“I am not interested in promises, I expect results.” She said and hung up the phone without waiting for an answer. 

“Bitch.”

---------

It was quiet on the other side of the river.  Dangling your feet over the ledge of the tallest building on this side of the river, you tried to remember when you last were surrounded by near quiet Sensory overload around the clock had been your salvation over the last few years, and this silence outright scared you. 

“You're not gonna jump, are you?” A familiar voice cut through the stillness and pulled your knees to your chest to get to your feet. 

“Don't know yet. It's not like it would kill me.”You shrugged.

He moved closer and pulled in for a hug.

“Woah what do you think you're doing?” You held both your hands up and backed away. Marcel saw through your playful rejection immediately and only rolled his eyes “Just because we drank ourselves into oblivion one time doesn't mean I like you. “

“We drank ourselves to oblivion every day for a week straight.” He corrected “I think I deserve a hug. You know, as your friend.”

Marcel stumbled into the bar in New York 2 years ago all teary-eyed and pissed off at the world. And though you did not have the best history, he approached you and poured drink after drink in silence until you were both drunk enough to let the pretences fall. Then you talked. And talked. 

He explained why had escaped New Orleans and sought the comfort of the Big Apple. He was broken-hearted over the loss of Davina, a courageous girl that was like a daughter to him. He swore to protect from a ritual the local witches called the Harvest. She was supposed to be resurrected, but the ritual failed. 

You were both miserable out of different circumstances. But death remained death no matter what kind of love caused such suffering. Talking until the sun came up, sharing the same, overwhelming feelings of grief and the fact you were no strangers to war or the Mikaelsons, lead to you bonding in a way you'd never expect. You would even go as far as to consider Marcel your friend. 

“It's good to see you again.” He said as he let go.

“You too.”  

That was what you liked about Marcel, he was open about what he was feeling in the exact moment. Everyone knew if they were on his good or bad side, he did not leave anyone guessing. It was admirable, if not foolish in a city like New Orleans. 

“What are you doing here? Last time I asked you if you'd ever come back here, you almost burned me alive.”

“Well, things change.” 

“Oh great, I know that look. What are you up to now?”

You stared at the skyline, on the moving water underneath it. You thought about how the ground would shake, how the sky-high buildings would fall to crumbles and how you could level the entire city if you willed it.

“Just the most insane, plan I ́ve ever come up with. I'm playing the entire board. From top to bottom, left to right and it ́ll probably cost me my life. So the usual craziness that is, well, me. No biggie.”

“No biggie if you're dead?” 

“We all die one way or another and technically we´re already did." You paused, bracing yourself to what you had to say next "Besides, it looks like I don't have much time to spare anyway, because-

He saw the near-black blood drop from your nose before you even registered it. He had to take a second look

“Because you're bleeding randomly?”

“Yeah, It's been happening a lot recently. That, and weird bruises that appear as if I ́m in a fight only to heal instantly. Invisible hands that strangle me, memories that are not my own, indescribable rage...the list goes on.”

This drainage of power started two months ago. It came and went in waves as a roll of feverish symptoms and with it came unbearable rage and paranoia. It was severer on a full moon, so it had to be tied to its phases. That much you knew, but that was it.  You consulted grimoire after grimoire and witch after with - no answers. 

“So, I think I'm pretty much doomed already.” You breathed out into the wind “What ́s a little more death gonna do to me?”

“Don't get sentimental on me now. You used to hate me, remember? "

I didn't hate you. Just your boyfriend."  So, that plan of yours. Say the word and I ́ll help you however I can.”

“Remember you said that. You'll wish you hadn't. Let's meet at your place tomorrow. I have to make one more stop on my reunion tour.” 

“You want some company?”

“ I´ll be fine.” If you could not walk alone in New Orleans at night, you might as well have a neon sign around your neck blinking the word soft repeatedly and lie down for a beating. 

"You sure?" He asked again. There was reals concern in his voice now, compared to the level headed and calm manner, it sounded outright strange. 

"This is only the beginning." You said, stepping on the ledge "If I can't handle some espionage, how am I supposed to handle the rest?" With the wind breezing you let yourself fall. 

Marcel smiled and shook his head as the looked over the ledge and saw you speeding away. He knew as much as you did, that descending into the Crescent City, to undermine the war and come out on the other side alive, was near impossible. But he learned that impossible was not in your vocabulary anymore. The War lines have been drawn, and he knows you'd jump between them if you had to. 

Let the games begin..

-------

A/N: And with that, we´re back!!! I hope you liked this first chapter! I wrote most of this back when my fur baby of 13 years passed away, so if it feels detached or anything that might be why. But I thought it would reflect the Sisters situation quite well so I didn´t throw it in the garbage like I wanted to.

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think. Just remember that this is the “housecleaning” chapter. We will find out what the nature of the Readers weird suction of power is, on what side she´s actually on, and what familiar faces will reappear in NOLA. 

All in good time my friends. This is only the beginning...;)

OC Taglist:

 @shadylittlewonder @thegoddessofvampire @newurleans @originalbish98 @acourtofhopeanddreams @bonniebird @imnoaingeal @mizzezm @vaniileiinkeks  @relmi-llorrac @piercethepottorff @maliae14  @5-seconds-of-animals @the-geeky-engineer   @rock-n-magick @flymeawayworld @givemesomehybrid @mikealsonlover @nuteller28 @fandoms-fandoms-everywhere99 @drkplum @fandooomqueenforyou @free-the-fangirl @clockworkballerina @twisted1ginger @superwholocksociopath474   @pacifyprincessxo @mustachio1616 @thealyana @sandyclaws @unicorntrooper @buckysummers​ @sanity-is-overratedxp​ @akshi8278 @lunna-star-8 @graysonmalfoy @woodworthti666 @elenavaldez02 @lilulo-12 @selmasemlan @thelostallycat @characterobsessed @cococola-cocaine @crazyinternetgirl @tvdplusriverdale @-thatgirloverthere-  @alwxadria345 @trymexo  @willieshakesqueer​ @spunky-89 @putyourherohaironstefan @xxdragonagequeenxx @thegingerthatwaited @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven @hinata7346​ @controloffandoms

[kira-ani-mcgrath]

I am redeemed You set me free So I'll shake off these heavy chains And wipe away every stain Now I'm not who I used to be I am redeemed

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave

I drew this picture specifically to go with the personal story below the cut. Thank you in advance if you take the time to read it, but no worries if you don't. Either way, have a wonderful day.

Late December 2018 was when the Frozen II calendar leak began circulating. Included in the leak was information on the Russian caption for the page, translated to be a vague movie summary. This plot teaser stated that the group (Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, Olaf, and Sven) would be heading north into the forest due to some Arendelle-related mystery.

This was a bit of a let-down for me. You see, since my initial introduction to Frozen in 2013, I have been hoping and praying that the inevitable sequel would include Hans' redemption as part of the narrative (for various reasons that are too lengthy to detail here). Such a plot thread would be easier to accomplish if Frozen II involved travel to some other kingdom (or multiple kingdoms), especially the Southern Isles. With the information revealed in the plot spoiler, it was harder to picture a scenario where Hans would join the rest of the gang for an adventure. Yes, it could be done, but it would be more convoluted, possibly to the point of not being an option altogether. Perhaps I was being too pessimistic, but there was no denying the fact that I was feeling rather down about Frozen II.

A few days later, I was driving home with the radio on, but I wasn't paying attention to it. Instead, I was once again mulling over various ways Hans could be redeemed in Frozen II. Yet the more I considered possible scenarios, the more it seemed that the movie's revealed plot would make Hans' redemption an unrealistic feat. I reached the end of my train of thought, and, feeling disheartened, mentally chided myself, "I should just give up. Hans isn't going to be redeemed in Frozen 2."

At that precise moment, the opening notes of "Redeemed" began to play on the radio. Being quite familiar with the song, I immediately laughed and pointed an index finger to the sky. Not only was the title of the song the exact word my mind had just used, but I have long associated this song with Hans (one of many songs, but also one of my favorites). I had no doubt this was the Lord confirming something to me, as this was not the first time such a "coincidental" occurrence has happened.

It's important to know that, in the years since Frozen, I have created (and am still creating) multiple fanworks that posit different takes on how a Hans redemption could come about (and that's not including all the ideas I've had that aren't developed enough for full-fledged works). There have been several times when I've questioned the value of creating such things, only to have affirmation of my work come from unexpected sources at just the right time. Additionally, I have had many such question-and-confirmation experiences in my life, as well as a noticeable increase in the quantity of such instances within the past several months (albeit unrelated to Frozen and instead dealing with various other matters, such as my faith, my most recent pregnancy, and random everyday life things). Thus, when this specific incident occurred, I immediately recognized it as yet another such moment.

Since that night in December, I'd been internally debating sharing this anecdote with the world. Every few days or so my mind would recall the incident and I'd consider posting about it, but I'd always end up deciding against it. After all, it is highly personal, and it takes quite a bit of explaining to impart the importance of this experience (and I'm still leaving out personal details which make it much more powerful to me). This went on for some time. In mid-late February, I was once again musing upon the occurrence and whether or not I should share it. I jokingly thought to God: "If I hear 'Redeemed' on the radio this morning I'll take it as a sign I'm supposed to share this." And, since you are reading this post, you must know where this is going. I already had the radio on, and after getting back in my vehicle after child drop-off, I flicked through my presets to find a song I wanted to listen to. And, lo and behold, my second-to-last preset was playing the first verse of "Redeemed." (Granted, all of my presets are Christian radio stations, so that does put the odds more in favor of my "wager" coming true. On the other hand, the song is from 2012. That means it's 7 years old, and I honestly didn’t hear the song very often at the time, as more recent songs get played much more frequently. In my mind, the proposition was a joke, but I suppose I should have known better, since a lot of my recent question-and-confirmation experiences have been me joking and God proceeding to do the thing.) And thus, here we are. The large time gap between the second occurrence and this post is because 1) I take a while to get my thoughts out and refine them into something fit for public eyes, especially in a personal case such as this one, 2) it seemed appropriate to do some art to go with this, since I've been lacking in productivity in the creative departments for some time, and 3) life things requiring my attention.

On an interesting side note, I had three additional confirmations of this post while I was working on it.

#1) When I said, "There have been several times when I've questioned the value of creating such things, only to have affirmation of my work come from unexpected sources at just the right time," there's a particular incident that sticks out to me. One night in 2016, I stayed up late finishing chapter nine of my fanfiction, Frozen: Sacrifice and Forgiveness. Even though I posted the chapter, I was really depressed about it. Thoughts such as, "Is this really something I should be investing so much time in?" and "Does God actually want me to write this story?" weighed heavily on my mind, though I kept them to myself. After some internal arguing, I directed an unspoken question to the Lord: "Is this really what I should be doing?" Not much later, before going to bed, I checked my phone and saw an email from FF.net saying I had a comment on the latest F:SaF chapter. The comment was from a fellow Christian who had read through the posted chapters and was very encouraging about my story. It was just the right kind of affirmation at precisely the right time. Fast-forward to Wednesday, February 27th, 2019. I checked my phone in the morning and saw an email from AO3 that someone has left a comment on the last posted chapter of F:SaF. This was quite surprising, as I haven't updated the fic since September 21st, 2017. The comment was very positive, and it immediately reminded me of this post, which was a WIP in a computer document at the time. Not only did the new comment correlate to the aforementioned unexpected sources of encouragement, but F:SaF has been on my mind recently in terms of working on it again. Then, as the cherry on top, I was listening to the daily scripture reading on the radio while driving to work that morning, and the song that came on immediately afterward was "Redeemed".

#2) On Friday, March 1st, I had finished this post to my general satisfaction (as I knew it still required minor edits, plus I still had to finish my drawing) before getting ready for work. Upon entering my vehicle, I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if 'Redeemed' played on the radio again?" I then instantly berated myself: "That's dumb. You don't need to be looking for confirmation of things all the time." I then flicked through my presets, and the first verse of "Redeemed" was playing on my second-to-last preset — the same song position and the same preset as when I was debating whether or not to make this post.

#3) On Friday, March 8th, I thought to myself as I was getting ready for work, “I really need to finish that post.” When I started my car, the radio was on, but I didn’t care for the song it was playing, so I jumped to my first preset. “Redeemed” was playing, starting from the very first word of the first verse.

Now, the question is: what was being confirmed to me with the original occurrence in December? The most straightforward answer is Hans' redemption in Frozen II. Mind you, not a redemption based on worldly methods such as "cleaning yourself up" and "earning it," but rooted in the Christian standard of unconditional love, mercy, grace, and faith. I'll admit, it seems far-fetched, given the fact that Disney is not a Christian company and the creative team has no Christians on it (AFAIK). Then again, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Still, I have thought of other meanings for this incident. Perhaps it was simply a reminder to not get so depressed over a fictional character. Perhaps it was merely encouragement to keep going with my various fan projects, despite Frozen II looming in the distance. Perhaps it was a nudge that the sequel would contain a small hint of a future Hans redemption. Of course, that all sounds like me trying to talk myself out of trusting God for something amazing, as I am prone to doing. It's a struggle to wait on the Lord (especially for someone like me who hates surprises and wants to know things ASAP), but the truth of this incident will be revealed when the time is right.

One may wonder why God would care about a fictional character or a fictional story. It's not that He cares about those things in and of themselves, it's that He cares about His children and the salvation of humanity. My prayers (which are mostly just God-directed thoughts as I go about my day) regarding Hans' redemption were always something along the lines of, "Hey, God, it'd be really awesome if Hans gets redeemed in a way that reflects how Jesus saved us." Then I would mentally argue with myself about even making such a request, and always end at a variation of "Whatever is best, Lord." Though a fictional character's redemption is trivial in the grand scheme of things, God can use the most unexpected means to reach someone regarding a matter of eternal importance. He knows that, for me, this isn't just about a fictional character — it's about using that character's story to connect real people with the hope of the Gospel. Frozen was a movie with weak morals and a character that is looked down upon as irredeemable by the majority of viewers. If, by the grace of God, the sequel displays true love and redemption, then perhaps one soul out there will see the truth: anyone can be saved because Jesus can save anyone.

Feel free to message me if you aren't comfortable utilizing public replies or reblogs. Thank you for reading, and God bless you.

Update (Sept. 4th, 2019): So I’ve been lurking on a few Discord servers for a while now in addition to my Tumblr lurking, and overall there is a very negative attitude regarding Hans returning in F2. It’s coming from all directions: antis/haters who don’t want him in it, neutral parties who don’t see an available role for him to play, and fans who have lost hope due to lack of news. Last night I had an unpleasant dream on the subject. While the specifics are hazy, I know it involved the fandom discussing Hans’ absence in the movie. When I was going about my business this morning, I thought about the dream, this post, and the incident that brought this post into being. I mentally argued with myself, as I often do, about the situation. Lately, I too have been feeling disheartened on this matter. As I said, the fandom as a whole has been negative about this, so it was starting to get to me. In addition to that, as new leaks reveal more of the story, the chances of Hans appearing in any meaningful fashion get slimmer. However, no matter how bleak the outlook, I was given a supernatural sign to keep hope in a Hans redemption. Still, there was always the possibility I had interpreted the incident incorrectly, and adding in the other factors at play, this morning I was once again questioning God. I wanted another sign or some kind of spoiler-type proof, then scolded myself for being greedy and for seeking worldly validation of what God has said (instead of trusting Him to fulfill His promises). I had the radio on KLOVE as I was driving, and one of my “Hans songs” came on. It was a “lower tier” one (a.k.a. one I don’t like quite as much as others), so as I listened to it I thought, “It’d be nice if the next song after this was another good song, but one of the top-tier ones. It’d make me feel better about this whole thing.” Of course, I then chided myself, thinking, “Why are you always asking for stuff? Isn’t what you have already enough?” The song came to an end, and the next song began to play. It was “Redeemed.”

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

For the asks, how about 5, 12, 13, 18, 19, 29, and 33? ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ also 9 with Thomas Sanders?! please. Hope the fanfic brain gets going!

Triple Kiss over here just kicking my fanfic brain.

5- If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

Unstable Energy, definitely!! It is easily one of my favorite- if not my favorite- fanfic that’ve written. I know it’s old, and not my best work, but I still love it. It’s my first losleep fic, my fic multi-chaptered fic, and I am still desperately in love with the whole idea of it. Though Too Long is real close, Unstable Energy remains my fav multi-chap fic.

9- In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?(xxx = Thomas Sanders?!)

Oh, the whole scene where Logan comes home??? Not gonna lie I highkey /adore/ that part. Like, not to pat myself on the back, but I like to think they’re all real cute together in that scene. Plus, I liked writing flustered Virgil. He’s fun.

12- Who is your favourite character to write for? Why?

Oh wow I wonder who I’m going to pick. I bet y’all gonna be shocked, and it’s a hard choice, but I’mma have to say... Remy. What can I say? The nick/petnames, the confidence, the sass, the insecurities I can build in him... I love myself a certain sleeby boi

13- Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?

That’d be Remus! I’m still not super chill with his character overall, and honestly I just... don’t know how to write him. So I try to just steer clear.

18- Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

Oh boy. To clarify at start- I have a lot of currently ignored WIPs, but not nearly as many straight up abandoned ones. Time says some things have to wait. I have three abandoned WIPs- a crack one I just don’t have the writing style for, a Greek myth one I started to hate so much I just couldn’t bear to keep writing, and a song fic one that wasn’t going anywhere anyways. 

19- Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to? 

Oh, at least half of them. Too Long has an AU-based sequel with analogical, Sleep Police has an entire AU I’d like to give it through a sequel, I have sequel AND prequel plans for my Dragon AU (tho I currently don’t have any inspo for them :/), several ideas for more song-fics to follow Love of my Life, If You Love Me Let Me Go deserves a sequel with a role-swap... I could go on.(Also, slightly unrelated but funny fact: almost all the fics people have asked me to continue? Somehow /not/ ones I want to. Which I think is crazy coincidental but oh well. I just think it’s amusing)

29- Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Back to Unstable Energy- I understand I wrote it when I was a small, new writer, and that it isn’t my best work objectively... but I still love it. I think the idea’s cool, I think the drama was well built and well planned, the relationships mostly solid... idk. I guess I just think it kinda sucks my own fav fic is one of my least looked at y’know.

33- What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Aside from all of them? ashdhjdcg I mean, honestly- I /never/ expected to have my writing noticed or liked or anything. Every kind word, or paragraph, or keysmash, and everything in between- it means worlds to me.I suppose my biggest though would probably be anytime someone’s said I made them cry/laugh/flap that sort of thing because of my writing. Because the idea??? that my words??? made them feel that much??? it is the BEST feeling man especially because I know what type of writing makes me react like that, and that writing is /good/ writing so like. yeah. that.

[wondermagz]

                                     The Crime of Epilogues

                                                              By

                                                     Colleen Beebe

IMAGINE THIS. You’re watching a delightful movie about young love. You have fallen in love with the characters and have been rooting for the inevitable union from the beginning. You come to the end scene – the girl walks down the aisle in white. You’re heart swells, tears form in your eyes.

WHAM!

Out of nowhere, a scene begins with the same girl shouting at her 3-year-old son “ Issac if you don’t get off the potty right now, I’m gonna come up there and smack you!” All the while holding a kleenex to her 5-year-old’s nose. “Are you ever gonna learn how to blow your own nose?” She says, looking down at the thunderstruck child.

Her husband, now sporting a round beer belly, stares at her disheveled appearance with a lost look that resembles how you, the viewers, feel: How the heck did we get here?

This is an epilogue.

Now, there are two types of people in this world. Those who somehow find delight in having the completion of their story disrupted by random facts about the future and those who appreciate that a story has a proper time and place to end. I am the latter. I have caused much controversy in my literary circles about my opinion, but I think it is time to take a stance against this nuisance to society. No longer will I stand to have my books ended with epilogues that destroy the integrity of the entire story. So I will make my case against the dreaded epilogue and ask you to join me in my mission to end this unfortunate literary mishap.

Merriam- Webster defines an epilogue as “a concluding section that rounds out the design of a literary work.” I would add that this section ATTEMPTS to round out a literary work. There are few occasions where it actually does. (Alright people, Brideshead Revisited is an exception so don’t stone me over that one, but every rule has an exception.) There are three reasons to despise the dastardly epilogue.

They add to a story which has already ended, disrupting the peace of that ending and oftentimes changing the entire meaning of the beloved story.

They often are artificially tacked onto the end of a story to give the reader a little more taste of the story like fan fiction for the nerdy soul.

They allude to a sequel that will never come.

Let sleeping dogs lie and let the end of a story lie where it was. Tell a story to its completion and respect the reader enough so that at the end of the book you give them closure. Let him mourn or celebrate the end of a delicious book without the undue stress of future stories and unrelated ideas. For example, Harry Potter while not great literature was a vastly popular series of books which ended with an epilogue. At the end of the story, the heroes stand together having vanquished the villain. This is an altogether peaceful ending. Goodness has been restored and an evil force has been destroyed. What a lovely place to end at rest, Right? No. Instead, we must venture into the future lives of the heroes to see that they have all settled into cheeky office jobs and have had cheeky children who are also all going to go off to have wild adventures. Is this necessary? Absolutely not. It adds no value to the story itself and instead disrupts the ending to plunge us back into another story altogether. Listen authors, if you want it to be part of the story PUT IT IN THE BOOK. Don’t use the word epilogue because you are unable to bridge the gap between plot and ending.

Next, I understand that we all have characters we love and we would love to see more of them, but let’s not get desperate. This recent barrage of epilogues is because we readers want to consume anything that has our favorite characters! But this consumerism is what encourages our favorite authors to behave like fan fiction writers.

We must have standards. When you find out a guy has a gambling problem, you don’t wait around to see if he wins it all back, you leave the casino, perhaps to ponder the man’s eventual fate. No matter how much you love watching gambling, in this analogy,  you still leave when you get wind of his addiction because it is the human thing to do. The same should be said of enjoying the book, or story. When you find out a new novel has an epilogue, get out of there…it’s not gonna end well.  The author is toying with you and trying to get you to look past their bizarre fan fiction feel at the end and label it as good writing. It’s unhealthy and I will not stand for it.

The prime example of this? Mockingjay. Another popular series which ends so dubiously you wonder what the hell the point of slogging through three books of almost four hundred pages, each of which are full to the brim with psychological, physical, and even spiritual torture and suffering, was for. The author takes you one step further into her Nihilistic nightmare in her epilogue. She strips her main character of any virtue, love, or honor, she has left and turns her into a lifeless void. Why? Why do this?

Oh, do you want to know another terrible thing about epilogues? There is nothing worse than getting to the end of an epilogue and realizing that you wanted to know more about the epilogue story than their 5-20 pages gave you. Crime and Punishment comes to mind here. Tell me about Sonia and Raskolnikov. Let me see the Redemption from the Crime. Instead, I read for 3 months about this crazy man, his unstable mental health, his grizzly, nonsensical murder, I memorized 140 different Russian names for 40 characters in order to fully understand the plot and at the end of the story, it’s just misery. A mentally unstable man murdered a terrible old woman and her abused daughter for a paltry sum and is sent to a labor camp for it…. But wait, there is redemption! In the epilogue Sonya (the quintessential whore with a heart of gold that Dostoevsky, if not invented, certainly made into the profound literary trope it is today) follows Raskolnikov to his camp and there they grow in love and virtue and the spiritual wealth from the word of God… but we’re only gonna give you a tiny, little taste of it. DON’T BE SUCH A TEASE, DOSTOEVSKY!

Finally, to those authors who feel so compelled to have an epilogue, I’ll give you two options. Either,

Make the epilogue the last chapter in your book. If it truly is part of the story, then MAKE IT PART OF THE STORY. Or,

If it is it’s own story, then WRITE THAT STORY. Stop being so lazy by only writing 3 pages of a crappy post story. If it’s not good enough to be its own short story, novella, or novel, then don’t bother wasting it on me. Keep it to yourself.

I will not stand for this anymore. I took too many literature quizzes about these dreaded epilogues in my schooldays and now that I’m out in the real world where things make more sequential sense, I’m done with them altogether.

Colleen Beebe is a co-founder of Wonder Magazine. She is a Customer Service Manager at 5 Stones as well as being a writer, a lover of history, and a marketer for Wonder Magazine. She is a proud wife and mother who lives with her family in Sycamore IL.

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions!

Someday, I will be on time...

Fanfic:

Precipice:

Going well, going well! Putting Lavinia in as an actual Person, not just a concept, went over actually a lot better than I expected. Plus, I got to bring in Ahsoka! And also Thrawn, but no one seemed to pick up on it yet. Or, at least, no one who commented mentioned him. .....granted, the hint was in the name of the sudden unexpected Imperial ship, which might’ve been too subtle/obscure. Especially as it’s not the Chimaera, it’s one of the ones from the new book. I will make sure to clarify next time I drop in on that thread.

Anywho, I’ve got tome fun stuff coming up in this arc. ...well, I think it’s fun. Certain in-story persons might disagree...

Distaff:

I’m behind where I wanted to be. ::sighs:: I’m planning to get the Opera House chapter up sometime in the next week. It’s going slow because I’m trying to find and/or invent a relevant Sith Legend(tm), since the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise doesn’t really apply so much. Anyway, it should go smoothly after that. I’ve got most of between the Opera House and Order 66 at least outlined, plus a few snippets of dialogue pieced together.

Fingers crossed, anyway. (So sorry for the slow updates lately DX)

Masks:

::headwall:: Okay. At this point, I am committing myself to finishing Arc One, at the very least, by the time TLJ comes out. Preferably by the end of summer, but. Frickin ANH!Vader, guys.

Auxiliaries:

...yeah, I dropped the ball on this one last month a little bit. <.< >.> I’ll get some portion of it up this month.

Crack AU Outline Summary:

This month, I did Bail Unfucks the Timeline! It’s a lot of fun. I have a lot of fun writing these. (Also, I love Bail, and I have fun playing with him.)

Original Fic:

...well, I didn’t actually make my RF goal from last month, but the one thing I did post was over 4k, so I don’t feel too bad about that. The summer challenges are usually pretty good for me in terms of output, so the next couple months should go better.

Also did not do enough on publishable projects. And by enough I mean basically none. Uh. Will aim to do better this month.

Phoenix!Verse:

Putting it under here instead of fanfic because I did write a brief portion of The Caladrius, which is my tentative title for the sequel. (With a third part, tentatively titled The Hercinia, to come at some point). This part deals with a Feredar-specific character (hence why the update is under original instead of fanfiction), who didn’t appear in The Phoenix. (He’s the primary antagonist in The Farglass Cycle, or at least the part in that timeline I tend to write in.)

Monthly Goals:

May Recap:

1.    On time with every Precipice update (barring this week, obvs)--ehhhhh not so much. A couple went out on Friday instead of Thursday. But I got them all up!

2.    At least two Distaff updates--Only got one :(

3.    Masks update--yeah, this didn’t happen.

4.    Clean up as necessary/post Deja Vu to AO3--I decided against doing this. I figured out, I think, what the main problem I have with the story is and it would require basically an entire restructuring to make it work (i.e., it’s not clear enough what’s going on with Anakin, and the limited POV does some...weird things to the courtship narrative.) I might revisit at some point in the future, but for now I am letting this quietly disappear into my Tumblr archive.

5.    Clean up/post Auxiliaries gateway fic--this didn’t happen either, sigh.

6.    Work on Phoenix sequel--YAY AN ACCOMPLISHMENT

7.    Do another crack AU outline ‘cause those are fun--YAY ANOTHER ACCOMPLISHMENT

8.    Work on at least one publishable project--...not so much, no.

9.    Post at least two pieces to RF--I got one, but it was much longer than the short bits I usually post?

10. Update Lux and Feredar archives--ahahahahaha ::cries::

June Goals:

1. Keep up with Precipice updates

2. At least two (preferably three) Distaff updates

3. Get Auxiliaries started

4. At least one Masks update

5. Do another crack outline and/or add more to one of the three existing ones. (Bail Unfucks the Timeline, Temple-Raised Palpatine, Heralds of Valdemar Fusion)

6. Work on Phoenix!verse

7. At least two posts to RF

8. Work on at least one publishable project.

9. Update Lux and Feredar archives.

10. At least 10k total on any/all projects

ETA: Unrelated to any of the above, but I have a meme open and would be happy to receive prompts!

[samanthasroberts]

This Week In Pop Culture (7/28/17)

7/28/2017: The Emoji Movie Finally Broke Critics

By Lydia Bugg

Congratulations are due to The Emoji Movie today. Not for its plot, its characters, or for being a decent movie in any conceivable way. The Emoji Movie has transcended cinema. It’s not just a movie; it’s become a piece of performance art wherein the audience gets to watch the light slowly die in the eyes of the movie critics who had to see it.

Take, for instance, this review from The Guardian, which reads: “A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry.” The man who wrote that sentence is not OK. He is going to need all the support he can get from his loved ones, and perhaps his favorite childhood toy to get him through the night.

Jordan Hoffman of The New York Daily News concluded his review with: “Sadly market saturation will prevent this from being the [bomb emoji] it ought to be — so get ready for “The Fidget Spinner Movie” or some other [poop emoji].” If that doesn’t sound like a man who’s completely lost his faith in the American public, I don’t know what does. His use of emojis throughout the article are as much a sign of Stockholm’s syndrome as they are a sign he wanted to finish the review as quickly as possible and move on with his life.

In fact, I believe that’s how most of the critics felt when reviewing this movie. No one was sitting down to write a scathing, angry rant — they all just sound so, so tired. The AP, Common Sense Media, and The LA Times, all used the word “meh” in their reviews. These people work for some of the largest media companies in the world. They can think of a word other than “meh,” but spending the time to do that means spending 30 more goddamn seconds thinking about The Emoji Movie, and they are not going to let that happen to them.

There are a few critics out there with at least a little bit of fight left in them. Brian Orndorf of Blu-ray.com managed: “A soulless endeavor and a painful viewing experience. Your kids deserve better.” These are the brave soldiers of The Emoji Movie; those who made it out the other end, mostly intact and able to write a full review instead of just an elongated sigh.

I think part of the reason this one was so tough for critics was that the collective groan the world let out when The Emoji Movie was announced turned around at some point to a hopeful feeling. No one was especially hyped for The Lego Movie at first, and it turned out to be great. The casting decisions sounded good. If Patrick Stewart and T.J. Miller signed on to it, it must at least be OK, right? Seeing the actual movie was like a having a cold bucket of water dumped over their birthday cake in lieu of blowing out the candles. Now they can’t unsee what they have seen, and they are mentally scarred. Wherever you are today, pour one out for your local movie critics. If you see one in the street, tell them you appreciate them. Maybe give them a hug if they’ll let you. But as you gaze into their broken, hollow eyes, feel not pity but fear. If you see this movie, a similar fate may await.

7/26/2017: John Wick Is Getting A Spinoff! Sort Of! Maybe!

By Daniel Dockery

In 2014, we encountered John Wick, a movie in which Keanu Reeves shoots at bad guys. And in the event that he can’t shoot at a bad guy, he breaks that bad guy’s body parts. He does this with intense gusto, and audiences around my apartment and the world applauded him. Keanu Reeves had spent years dwelling in the pit of “Well, he’s been in a few good movies, but …” But now we could lift him out of there, throw him onto our shoulders, and parade him around town. All hail Keanu. He will lead us to the promised land.

And then John Wick: Chapter 2 came out, offered to us by angels and Summit Entertainment, and it was also so, so good. To think that the first John Wick had been nothing but a pleasant appetizer would’ve seemed absurd in 2014. “Obviously, this is the peak of humanity,” Barack Obama said just after viewing John Wick. BUT LO, John Wick: Chapter 2 improved on its predecessor. If my home ever catches on fire, I will grab my John Wick Blu-rays and somersault out the window in tribute to John Wick. “Help us put out the fire!” my neighbors will shriek. “Why?” I’ll say. “I already have all that I’ll need.”

And then headlines popped up on my favorite movie news sites. Things like “JOHN WICK SPINOFF” and “JOHN WICK UNIVERSE.” I popped champagne in my office, which ruined my laptop, but you can’t care about material possessions in times like this (unless those possessions are John Wick 1 and 2, now on Blu-ray.) But then I read further, and as it turns out, this John Wick spinoff was just a script. A script that Lionsgate had won in a bidding war. An action script about an awesome assassin who is not John Wick and, at this time, doesn’t really have any relation to John Wick.

The script is called Ballerina, and trust me, I really wanna see Ballerina come to fruition. Films like Mad Max: Fury Road and Wonder Woman and Atomic Blonde have hopefully started a trend wherein we can see female-led action movies way more frequently than we used to. But please, can we only announce a John Wick spinoff when we know that it’s going to be a John Wick spinoff?

I’m used to the things that I love letting me down. Every day, Marvel and DC announce that they might be making a movie with the characters that I’ve loved for years. Recently, it was announced that Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins was in “negotiations” with Warner Bros about doing a sequel to Wonder Woman, when the headline should’ve logically read “Patty Jenkins Directs Best DC Film Since The Dark Knight. She Gets Anything She Wants.” These things make me sad, because Hollywood is a place where dreams are made. And it’s also a place where dreams are announced, and then no one does anything with those dreams for a looong time.

John Wick is too young for this. He’s just a little baby franchise, and I don’t want to get cynical about Keanu, sitting in his cinematic crib, snapping every bone within arm’s length. So please, let’s just wait until something is certain. And until then, we can rewatch John Wick: Chapter 2. Have you seen it? It’s pretty damn great.

7/25/2017: Superman’s Mustache Is Getting Digitally Erased

By Lydia Bugg

Justice League has hit a snafu. Warner Bros. is shelling out a staggering $25 million for Justice League reshoots in hopes to “adjust the tone” of the film to be more like Wonder Woman — that is, something people would actually enjoy watching. These reshoots are taking place far after the original shooting, which wrapped nine months ago.

In the time since, Henry Cavill was contractually obligated to grow a rockin’ mustache for his role in Mission: Impossible 6. Warner Bros. absolutely cannot deal with a mustachioed Superman, and Paramount apparently has a fever, and the only cure is a full, healthy, mustache. We at Cracked like to imagine that the two companies had to sit down for what can only be described as mustache negotiations.

“Why can’t you just have him reading a newspaper, or peeping over a fence in every scene? Add a little bit of a sense of mystery to Superman?” Paramount must have said.

“Why can’t you just use a fake mustache?” Warner Bros. replied.

“NEVER!” Paramount screeched, as they slammed their hands on the conference table so hard that it broke in two. “That mustache is the character. That mustache saves the world. That mustache is replacing Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 7 — The Impossiblest Mission!”

Warner Bros., both mystified and terrified by Paramount’s passion for authentic facial hair, decided the only solution was to digitally remove Cavill’s mustache in every single newly shot scene. How much do you think that added to the special effects budget? I feel really sorry of the poor CGI guy who had the job of making awesome monsters and crumbling buildings, but now he’s spending the next three months starring at Henry Cavill’s upper lip.

Or maybe there is a Hollywood “mustache guy” who specializes in this kind of thing. If they can take the mustache off of Henry Cavill, couldn’t they put it on another actor? Oh my god, you guys, does Tom Selleck even have a mustache? What other stars might be rocking a full handlebar and we’re not even aware? I’m looking at you, Helen Mirren.

As usual, Hollywood has found a multi-million-dollar solution to a problem that could easily be solved by a Mach 3 razor. I’m going to be so pissed if Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth gets cut out of Justice League because they went way over their mustache budget.

I for one would be 100 percent on board for Mustache Superman. He’s been dead. Can’t the man let himself go a little bit? Maybe instead of being dead, he’s been in Williamsburg drinking craft beer and restoring antique bicycles. Hipster Superman could be cool. In that case, he might need to grow even more of a mustache. Or they could just keep the same mustache guy they have, but instead of taking it out, he digitally enhances the mustaches in order to get those full, curly tips. Can we digitally put a top hat and steampunk vest on Superman as well? I really think this could work, you guys. Fingers crossed for hipster mustache Superman.

7/24/2017: Comic-Con Wants You To Die In A Flood Of Trailers

By Luis Prada

Comic-Con doesn’t give a shit anymore. It’s done playing nice. It used to be a fun fan fest, but now it’s an unrelenting pop cultural blitzkrieg of trailers that none of us — NONE — are emotionally or psychologically prepared to handle. The annual pummeling we receive is the price we must pay to make all of our childhood nerd dreams come true.

Childhood you wanted to see a Justice League movie? Well gird your puny shriveled loins, you idiot, because here’s four-minute Justice League trailer. And because they want to bury you beneath a mountain of the things you ask for, here’s a Flash movie based on the “Flashpoint” story arc. You know what that means: MASSIVELY CONVOLUTED ALTERNATE TIMELINES AND “WHAT IF?” SCENARIOS ARE COMING TO THE BIG SCREEN, AND YOU BETTER NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED AND YOU WILL DIE BENEATH IT.

You wanted an Avengers movie? Well, you got two already, and now here’s blurry camera phone footage of the footage of the third one that was filmed from an angle so bad I have to assume the person who shot it incidentally filmed the trailer as he was trying to get upskirt shots. And you’re such a junkie that you’ll suck down that wad of horrendous camera work and ask for more.

They know you’ll take any little morsel you can get, so the keepers of our pop cultural addictions will degrade you, reducing to something less than human. Instead of releasing the footage of Black Panther shown during the panel, they give you the cast of Black Panther reacting to the footage of Black Panther. Oh, and in case you still have one nerve ending left undamaged and still twitching, here’s another trailer for Thor: Ragnarok that is an exhausting and overwhelming assault on your senses by itself.

And you know what, you little shits? Like a typhoon crashing down and laying waste to a city, killing thousands, here’s the trailer for The Defenders. And here’s another trailer for The Defenders, but this time it’s narrated by and starring Stan Lee for reasons that make perfect sense when you consider shutting the fuck up, opening your supple mouth, and taking in the funnel so they can fatten you up like a delicious foie gras goose.

Comic-Con is wise. It knows you have a high tolerance for such an onslaught of trailers. So this year it performed a coup de grace to make sure it knocked your dumb ass into a pop culture coma. You like all this nerdy stuff? Well, here’s the trailer for the second season of Stranger Things, a show that’s one pop culture reference after another, and then here’s the trailer for Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of Ready Player One, a book and now a movie that’s nothing but one pop culture reference after another.

The message of this year’s Comic Con was loud, clear, and violent: Choke on the things you love, you lowly dipshits. Choke.

For more, check out This Week In Pop Culture (7/21/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (7/23/2017).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out President Donald Trump Is Actually Good, Mark Zuckerberg Is Actually Not, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook… Hurry!

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/25/this-week-in-pop-culture-72817/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/25/this-week-in-pop-culture-7-28-17/

[adambstingus]

This Week In Pop Culture (7/28/17)

7/28/2017: The Emoji Movie Finally Broke Critics

By Lydia Bugg

Congratulations are due to The Emoji Movie today. Not for its plot, its characters, or for being a decent movie in any conceivable way. The Emoji Movie has transcended cinema. It’s not just a movie; it’s become a piece of performance art wherein the audience gets to watch the light slowly die in the eyes of the movie critics who had to see it.

Take, for instance, this review from The Guardian, which reads: “A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry.” The man who wrote that sentence is not OK. He is going to need all the support he can get from his loved ones, and perhaps his favorite childhood toy to get him through the night.

Jordan Hoffman of The New York Daily News concluded his review with: “Sadly market saturation will prevent this from being the [bomb emoji] it ought to be — so get ready for “The Fidget Spinner Movie” or some other [poop emoji].” If that doesn’t sound like a man who’s completely lost his faith in the American public, I don’t know what does. His use of emojis throughout the article are as much a sign of Stockholm’s syndrome as they are a sign he wanted to finish the review as quickly as possible and move on with his life.

In fact, I believe that’s how most of the critics felt when reviewing this movie. No one was sitting down to write a scathing, angry rant — they all just sound so, so tired. The AP, Common Sense Media, and The LA Times, all used the word “meh” in their reviews. These people work for some of the largest media companies in the world. They can think of a word other than “meh,” but spending the time to do that means spending 30 more goddamn seconds thinking about The Emoji Movie, and they are not going to let that happen to them.

There are a few critics out there with at least a little bit of fight left in them. Brian Orndorf of Blu-ray.com managed: “A soulless endeavor and a painful viewing experience. Your kids deserve better.” These are the brave soldiers of The Emoji Movie; those who made it out the other end, mostly intact and able to write a full review instead of just an elongated sigh.

I think part of the reason this one was so tough for critics was that the collective groan the world let out when The Emoji Movie was announced turned around at some point to a hopeful feeling. No one was especially hyped for The Lego Movie at first, and it turned out to be great. The casting decisions sounded good. If Patrick Stewart and T.J. Miller signed on to it, it must at least be OK, right? Seeing the actual movie was like a having a cold bucket of water dumped over their birthday cake in lieu of blowing out the candles. Now they can’t unsee what they have seen, and they are mentally scarred. Wherever you are today, pour one out for your local movie critics. If you see one in the street, tell them you appreciate them. Maybe give them a hug if they’ll let you. But as you gaze into their broken, hollow eyes, feel not pity but fear. If you see this movie, a similar fate may await.

7/26/2017: John Wick Is Getting A Spinoff! Sort Of! Maybe!

By Daniel Dockery

In 2014, we encountered John Wick, a movie in which Keanu Reeves shoots at bad guys. And in the event that he can’t shoot at a bad guy, he breaks that bad guy’s body parts. He does this with intense gusto, and audiences around my apartment and the world applauded him. Keanu Reeves had spent years dwelling in the pit of “Well, he’s been in a few good movies, but …” But now we could lift him out of there, throw him onto our shoulders, and parade him around town. All hail Keanu. He will lead us to the promised land.

And then John Wick: Chapter 2 came out, offered to us by angels and Summit Entertainment, and it was also so, so good. To think that the first John Wick had been nothing but a pleasant appetizer would’ve seemed absurd in 2014. “Obviously, this is the peak of humanity,” Barack Obama said just after viewing John Wick. BUT LO, John Wick: Chapter 2 improved on its predecessor. If my home ever catches on fire, I will grab my John Wick Blu-rays and somersault out the window in tribute to John Wick. “Help us put out the fire!” my neighbors will shriek. “Why?” I’ll say. “I already have all that I’ll need.”

And then headlines popped up on my favorite movie news sites. Things like “JOHN WICK SPINOFF” and “JOHN WICK UNIVERSE.” I popped champagne in my office, which ruined my laptop, but you can’t care about material possessions in times like this (unless those possessions are John Wick 1 and 2, now on Blu-ray.) But then I read further, and as it turns out, this John Wick spinoff was just a script. A script that Lionsgate had won in a bidding war. An action script about an awesome assassin who is not John Wick and, at this time, doesn’t really have any relation to John Wick.

The script is called Ballerina, and trust me, I really wanna see Ballerina come to fruition. Films like Mad Max: Fury Road and Wonder Woman and Atomic Blonde have hopefully started a trend wherein we can see female-led action movies way more frequently than we used to. But please, can we only announce a John Wick spinoff when we know that it’s going to be a John Wick spinoff?

I’m used to the things that I love letting me down. Every day, Marvel and DC announce that they might be making a movie with the characters that I’ve loved for years. Recently, it was announced that Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins was in “negotiations” with Warner Bros about doing a sequel to Wonder Woman, when the headline should’ve logically read “Patty Jenkins Directs Best DC Film Since The Dark Knight. She Gets Anything She Wants.” These things make me sad, because Hollywood is a place where dreams are made. And it’s also a place where dreams are announced, and then no one does anything with those dreams for a looong time.

John Wick is too young for this. He’s just a little baby franchise, and I don’t want to get cynical about Keanu, sitting in his cinematic crib, snapping every bone within arm’s length. So please, let’s just wait until something is certain. And until then, we can rewatch John Wick: Chapter 2. Have you seen it? It’s pretty damn great.

7/25/2017: Superman’s Mustache Is Getting Digitally Erased

By Lydia Bugg

Justice League has hit a snafu. Warner Bros. is shelling out a staggering $25 million for Justice League reshoots in hopes to “adjust the tone” of the film to be more like Wonder Woman — that is, something people would actually enjoy watching. These reshoots are taking place far after the original shooting, which wrapped nine months ago.

In the time since, Henry Cavill was contractually obligated to grow a rockin’ mustache for his role in Mission: Impossible 6. Warner Bros. absolutely cannot deal with a mustachioed Superman, and Paramount apparently has a fever, and the only cure is a full, healthy, mustache. We at Cracked like to imagine that the two companies had to sit down for what can only be described as mustache negotiations.

“Why can’t you just have him reading a newspaper, or peeping over a fence in every scene? Add a little bit of a sense of mystery to Superman?” Paramount must have said.

“Why can’t you just use a fake mustache?” Warner Bros. replied.

“NEVER!” Paramount screeched, as they slammed their hands on the conference table so hard that it broke in two. “That mustache is the character. That mustache saves the world. That mustache is replacing Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 7 — The Impossiblest Mission!”

Warner Bros., both mystified and terrified by Paramount’s passion for authentic facial hair, decided the only solution was to digitally remove Cavill’s mustache in every single newly shot scene. How much do you think that added to the special effects budget? I feel really sorry of the poor CGI guy who had the job of making awesome monsters and crumbling buildings, but now he’s spending the next three months starring at Henry Cavill’s upper lip.

Or maybe there is a Hollywood “mustache guy” who specializes in this kind of thing. If they can take the mustache off of Henry Cavill, couldn’t they put it on another actor? Oh my god, you guys, does Tom Selleck even have a mustache? What other stars might be rocking a full handlebar and we’re not even aware? I’m looking at you, Helen Mirren.

As usual, Hollywood has found a multi-million-dollar solution to a problem that could easily be solved by a Mach 3 razor. I’m going to be so pissed if Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth gets cut out of Justice League because they went way over their mustache budget.

I for one would be 100 percent on board for Mustache Superman. He’s been dead. Can’t the man let himself go a little bit? Maybe instead of being dead, he’s been in Williamsburg drinking craft beer and restoring antique bicycles. Hipster Superman could be cool. In that case, he might need to grow even more of a mustache. Or they could just keep the same mustache guy they have, but instead of taking it out, he digitally enhances the mustaches in order to get those full, curly tips. Can we digitally put a top hat and steampunk vest on Superman as well? I really think this could work, you guys. Fingers crossed for hipster mustache Superman.

7/24/2017: Comic-Con Wants You To Die In A Flood Of Trailers

By Luis Prada

Comic-Con doesn’t give a shit anymore. It’s done playing nice. It used to be a fun fan fest, but now it’s an unrelenting pop cultural blitzkrieg of trailers that none of us — NONE — are emotionally or psychologically prepared to handle. The annual pummeling we receive is the price we must pay to make all of our childhood nerd dreams come true.

Childhood you wanted to see a Justice League movie? Well gird your puny shriveled loins, you idiot, because here’s four-minute Justice League trailer. And because they want to bury you beneath a mountain of the things you ask for, here’s a Flash movie based on the “Flashpoint” story arc. You know what that means: MASSIVELY CONVOLUTED ALTERNATE TIMELINES AND “WHAT IF?” SCENARIOS ARE COMING TO THE BIG SCREEN, AND YOU BETTER NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED AND YOU WILL DIE BENEATH IT.

You wanted an Avengers movie? Well, you got two already, and now here’s blurry camera phone footage of the footage of the third one that was filmed from an angle so bad I have to assume the person who shot it incidentally filmed the trailer as he was trying to get upskirt shots. And you’re such a junkie that you’ll suck down that wad of horrendous camera work and ask for more.

They know you’ll take any little morsel you can get, so the keepers of our pop cultural addictions will degrade you, reducing to something less than human. Instead of releasing the footage of Black Panther shown during the panel, they give you the cast of Black Panther reacting to the footage of Black Panther. Oh, and in case you still have one nerve ending left undamaged and still twitching, here’s another trailer for Thor: Ragnarok that is an exhausting and overwhelming assault on your senses by itself.

And you know what, you little shits? Like a typhoon crashing down and laying waste to a city, killing thousands, here’s the trailer for The Defenders. And here’s another trailer for The Defenders, but this time it’s narrated by and starring Stan Lee for reasons that make perfect sense when you consider shutting the fuck up, opening your supple mouth, and taking in the funnel so they can fatten you up like a delicious foie gras goose.

Comic-Con is wise. It knows you have a high tolerance for such an onslaught of trailers. So this year it performed a coup de grace to make sure it knocked your dumb ass into a pop culture coma. You like all this nerdy stuff? Well, here’s the trailer for the second season of Stranger Things, a show that’s one pop culture reference after another, and then here’s the trailer for Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of Ready Player One, a book and now a movie that’s nothing but one pop culture reference after another.

The message of this year’s Comic Con was loud, clear, and violent: Choke on the things you love, you lowly dipshits. Choke.

For more, check out This Week In Pop Culture (7/21/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (7/23/2017).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out President Donald Trump Is Actually Good, Mark Zuckerberg Is Actually Not, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook… Hurry!

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/25/this-week-in-pop-culture-72817/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/167882273452

[allofbeercom]

This Week In Pop Culture (7/28/17)

7/28/2017: The Emoji Movie Finally Broke Critics

By Lydia Bugg

Congratulations are due to The Emoji Movie today. Not for its plot, its characters, or for being a decent movie in any conceivable way. The Emoji Movie has transcended cinema. It’s not just a movie; it’s become a piece of performance art wherein the audience gets to watch the light slowly die in the eyes of the movie critics who had to see it.

Take, for instance, this review from The Guardian, which reads: “A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry.” The man who wrote that sentence is not OK. He is going to need all the support he can get from his loved ones, and perhaps his favorite childhood toy to get him through the night.

Jordan Hoffman of The New York Daily News concluded his review with: “Sadly market saturation will prevent this from being the [bomb emoji] it ought to be — so get ready for “The Fidget Spinner Movie” or some other [poop emoji].” If that doesn’t sound like a man who’s completely lost his faith in the American public, I don’t know what does. His use of emojis throughout the article are as much a sign of Stockholm’s syndrome as they are a sign he wanted to finish the review as quickly as possible and move on with his life.

In fact, I believe that’s how most of the critics felt when reviewing this movie. No one was sitting down to write a scathing, angry rant — they all just sound so, so tired. The AP, Common Sense Media, and The LA Times, all used the word “meh” in their reviews. These people work for some of the largest media companies in the world. They can think of a word other than “meh,” but spending the time to do that means spending 30 more goddamn seconds thinking about The Emoji Movie, and they are not going to let that happen to them.

There are a few critics out there with at least a little bit of fight left in them. Brian Orndorf of Blu-ray.com managed: “A soulless endeavor and a painful viewing experience. Your kids deserve better.” These are the brave soldiers of The Emoji Movie; those who made it out the other end, mostly intact and able to write a full review instead of just an elongated sigh.

I think part of the reason this one was so tough for critics was that the collective groan the world let out when The Emoji Movie was announced turned around at some point to a hopeful feeling. No one was especially hyped for The Lego Movie at first, and it turned out to be great. The casting decisions sounded good. If Patrick Stewart and T.J. Miller signed on to it, it must at least be OK, right? Seeing the actual movie was like a having a cold bucket of water dumped over their birthday cake in lieu of blowing out the candles. Now they can’t unsee what they have seen, and they are mentally scarred. Wherever you are today, pour one out for your local movie critics. If you see one in the street, tell them you appreciate them. Maybe give them a hug if they’ll let you. But as you gaze into their broken, hollow eyes, feel not pity but fear. If you see this movie, a similar fate may await.

7/26/2017: John Wick Is Getting A Spinoff! Sort Of! Maybe!

By Daniel Dockery

In 2014, we encountered John Wick, a movie in which Keanu Reeves shoots at bad guys. And in the event that he can’t shoot at a bad guy, he breaks that bad guy’s body parts. He does this with intense gusto, and audiences around my apartment and the world applauded him. Keanu Reeves had spent years dwelling in the pit of “Well, he’s been in a few good movies, but …” But now we could lift him out of there, throw him onto our shoulders, and parade him around town. All hail Keanu. He will lead us to the promised land.

And then John Wick: Chapter 2 came out, offered to us by angels and Summit Entertainment, and it was also so, so good. To think that the first John Wick had been nothing but a pleasant appetizer would’ve seemed absurd in 2014. “Obviously, this is the peak of humanity,” Barack Obama said just after viewing John Wick. BUT LO, John Wick: Chapter 2 improved on its predecessor. If my home ever catches on fire, I will grab my John Wick Blu-rays and somersault out the window in tribute to John Wick. “Help us put out the fire!” my neighbors will shriek. “Why?” I’ll say. “I already have all that I’ll need.”

And then headlines popped up on my favorite movie news sites. Things like “JOHN WICK SPINOFF” and “JOHN WICK UNIVERSE.” I popped champagne in my office, which ruined my laptop, but you can’t care about material possessions in times like this (unless those possessions are John Wick 1 and 2, now on Blu-ray.) But then I read further, and as it turns out, this John Wick spinoff was just a script. A script that Lionsgate had won in a bidding war. An action script about an awesome assassin who is not John Wick and, at this time, doesn’t really have any relation to John Wick.

The script is called Ballerina, and trust me, I really wanna see Ballerina come to fruition. Films like Mad Max: Fury Road and Wonder Woman and Atomic Blonde have hopefully started a trend wherein we can see female-led action movies way more frequently than we used to. But please, can we only announce a John Wick spinoff when we know that it’s going to be a John Wick spinoff?

I’m used to the things that I love letting me down. Every day, Marvel and DC announce that they might be making a movie with the characters that I’ve loved for years. Recently, it was announced that Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins was in “negotiations” with Warner Bros about doing a sequel to Wonder Woman, when the headline should’ve logically read “Patty Jenkins Directs Best DC Film Since The Dark Knight. She Gets Anything She Wants.” These things make me sad, because Hollywood is a place where dreams are made. And it’s also a place where dreams are announced, and then no one does anything with those dreams for a looong time.

John Wick is too young for this. He’s just a little baby franchise, and I don’t want to get cynical about Keanu, sitting in his cinematic crib, snapping every bone within arm’s length. So please, let’s just wait until something is certain. And until then, we can rewatch John Wick: Chapter 2. Have you seen it? It’s pretty damn great.

7/25/2017: Superman’s Mustache Is Getting Digitally Erased

By Lydia Bugg

Justice League has hit a snafu. Warner Bros. is shelling out a staggering $25 million for Justice League reshoots in hopes to “adjust the tone” of the film to be more like Wonder Woman — that is, something people would actually enjoy watching. These reshoots are taking place far after the original shooting, which wrapped nine months ago.

In the time since, Henry Cavill was contractually obligated to grow a rockin’ mustache for his role in Mission: Impossible 6. Warner Bros. absolutely cannot deal with a mustachioed Superman, and Paramount apparently has a fever, and the only cure is a full, healthy, mustache. We at Cracked like to imagine that the two companies had to sit down for what can only be described as mustache negotiations.

“Why can’t you just have him reading a newspaper, or peeping over a fence in every scene? Add a little bit of a sense of mystery to Superman?” Paramount must have said.

“Why can’t you just use a fake mustache?” Warner Bros. replied.

“NEVER!” Paramount screeched, as they slammed their hands on the conference table so hard that it broke in two. “That mustache is the character. That mustache saves the world. That mustache is replacing Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 7 — The Impossiblest Mission!”

Warner Bros., both mystified and terrified by Paramount’s passion for authentic facial hair, decided the only solution was to digitally remove Cavill’s mustache in every single newly shot scene. How much do you think that added to the special effects budget? I feel really sorry of the poor CGI guy who had the job of making awesome monsters and crumbling buildings, but now he’s spending the next three months starring at Henry Cavill’s upper lip.

Or maybe there is a Hollywood “mustache guy” who specializes in this kind of thing. If they can take the mustache off of Henry Cavill, couldn’t they put it on another actor? Oh my god, you guys, does Tom Selleck even have a mustache? What other stars might be rocking a full handlebar and we’re not even aware? I’m looking at you, Helen Mirren.

As usual, Hollywood has found a multi-million-dollar solution to a problem that could easily be solved by a Mach 3 razor. I’m going to be so pissed if Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth gets cut out of Justice League because they went way over their mustache budget.

I for one would be 100 percent on board for Mustache Superman. He’s been dead. Can’t the man let himself go a little bit? Maybe instead of being dead, he’s been in Williamsburg drinking craft beer and restoring antique bicycles. Hipster Superman could be cool. In that case, he might need to grow even more of a mustache. Or they could just keep the same mustache guy they have, but instead of taking it out, he digitally enhances the mustaches in order to get those full, curly tips. Can we digitally put a top hat and steampunk vest on Superman as well? I really think this could work, you guys. Fingers crossed for hipster mustache Superman.

7/24/2017: Comic-Con Wants You To Die In A Flood Of Trailers

By Luis Prada

Comic-Con doesn’t give a shit anymore. It’s done playing nice. It used to be a fun fan fest, but now it’s an unrelenting pop cultural blitzkrieg of trailers that none of us — NONE — are emotionally or psychologically prepared to handle. The annual pummeling we receive is the price we must pay to make all of our childhood nerd dreams come true.

Childhood you wanted to see a Justice League movie? Well gird your puny shriveled loins, you idiot, because here’s four-minute Justice League trailer. And because they want to bury you beneath a mountain of the things you ask for, here’s a Flash movie based on the “Flashpoint” story arc. You know what that means: MASSIVELY CONVOLUTED ALTERNATE TIMELINES AND “WHAT IF?” SCENARIOS ARE COMING TO THE BIG SCREEN, AND YOU BETTER NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED AND YOU WILL DIE BENEATH IT.

You wanted an Avengers movie? Well, you got two already, and now here’s blurry camera phone footage of the footage of the third one that was filmed from an angle so bad I have to assume the person who shot it incidentally filmed the trailer as he was trying to get upskirt shots. And you’re such a junkie that you’ll suck down that wad of horrendous camera work and ask for more.

They know you’ll take any little morsel you can get, so the keepers of our pop cultural addictions will degrade you, reducing to something less than human. Instead of releasing the footage of Black Panther shown during the panel, they give you the cast of Black Panther reacting to the footage of Black Panther. Oh, and in case you still have one nerve ending left undamaged and still twitching, here’s another trailer for Thor: Ragnarok that is an exhausting and overwhelming assault on your senses by itself.

And you know what, you little shits? Like a typhoon crashing down and laying waste to a city, killing thousands, here’s the trailer for The Defenders. And here’s another trailer for The Defenders, but this time it’s narrated by and starring Stan Lee for reasons that make perfect sense when you consider shutting the fuck up, opening your supple mouth, and taking in the funnel so they can fatten you up like a delicious foie gras goose.

Comic-Con is wise. It knows you have a high tolerance for such an onslaught of trailers. So this year it performed a coup de grace to make sure it knocked your dumb ass into a pop culture coma. You like all this nerdy stuff? Well, here’s the trailer for the second season of Stranger Things, a show that’s one pop culture reference after another, and then here’s the trailer for Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of Ready Player One, a book and now a movie that’s nothing but one pop culture reference after another.

The message of this year’s Comic Con was loud, clear, and violent: Choke on the things you love, you lowly dipshits. Choke.

For more, check out This Week In Pop Culture (7/21/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (7/23/2017).

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/25/this-week-in-pop-culture-72817/

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions

Someday, I will get this post up on time, lol.

Fanfic:

Precipice

Soooooo this one, I have some sketched-out dialogue bits moving forward, and a vague outline, but no actual text until certain events that kick off the second arc of the series. (It’s planned as a trilogy. Because a) it’s Star Wars, it has to be; and b) it’s already 45k and I’m only just starting part 3 of 7 of arc 1.) Soooooo yeah. I still plan on weekly updates, every Thursday night, but we’ll see how well things go as I start churning out new text.

Distaff

@rainglazed ARTED MY FIC OMFG. [one] [two] [three]. So. Um. Yeah. I’ll do updates every week or two because eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I do need to figure out how the ending’s going to work, but since that largely rests on some decisions Obi-Wan has to make, and I can’t figure out what said decisions will be until I’ve gotten him there…yeah.

Masks

I will post another chapter this month I swear. I know I say that literally every month but this time I really really mean it. ::sigh:: ANH!Vader is giving me trouble. I had so much fun with post-ESB!Vader in The Phoenix that I didn’t realize this would be that hard…

Auxiliaries

I’m gonna try and clean up the entry story, maybe post it here instead of on AO3, at least to start. We shall see.

Miscellaneous

Trying to figure out what I plan on doing for May 4. (I know, I know, two months away, but at least one of the ideas I’m toying with would be fairly longform and take some time/effort to produce.) So, taking suggestions--it could be a bonus fic in any of my established universes (Masks, Precipice, Phoenix, Distaff; even To His Family… if someone really wants to see more of that), or something completely unrelated you want to see. (the half-planned longform one could technically be canon in any of them, depending on how I frame it, as it’s a followup on canonical events that happen years before the breakpoint of any of these AUs. But it most likely won’t be relevant to any of them, so I consider it separate).

Anyway. I’ll probably repost the prompt call with April’s Coming Attractions post, but feel free to toss me ideas!

Original Fic

I actually got A Piece written this month! At least lately, I seem to be motivated more by specific challenges with specific (relatively short range) due dates than broader goals or the massive collection of open-ended prompts I’ve collected over the years…possibly because so much of my writing brain has been taken up by SW fanfic, lol.

Anyway. Um. I plan to work some on the Phoenix sequel this month (putting it here since it’ll have actual POV from my Feredar folks, not just Vaderkin and Luke), do more research for That One Historical Novel, and post at least one or two things to rainbowfic.

Also, update the Feredar and Lux archives, because yeesh they’re over two years out of date…