#going to sit through it to see ryan say 'if she's alive...' in that dream concussion episode...

[loneliestpeopleinnewport]

also me and my brother finally finished our s2 rewatch the other day. that second half of the season is so good. go figure your main characters finally orbiting around each other is enjoyable...

we're moving onto s3 and I was honestly going to ask to sack it off because of how bitter I feel about it towards the end. but I have some notes from a couple years ago where I said that seth and marissa had twin storylines so now I need to watch with an observational eye to see if I was just losing it or what.

[cowgurrrl]

Pine Point

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author’s note: 😮‍💨 (ps fic is named after this song)

Summary: You and Joel deal with the aftermath of your accident [4.7k!!]

Warnings: hospital settings, a very quick mention of a miscarriage not experienced by the reader, questionable Hollywood motives once again, quick mention of Ellie’s foster home situation, kinda angsty actually, arguing (oops), language, not a super cohesive ending

Joel stays with you all night and into the morning. You're not sure if he got any rest while sitting in the uncomfortable chair next to your bed, but you know that he never let go of your hand. Every time you woke up from a bad dream or because a nurse was prodding at you, the callouses on his hands helped remind you that you were safe. He asked questions about your injuries and what recovery would look like for you. He listened, watched, and even recorded the nurse's voice (with her permission, of course) so he could reference it later. You wonder if he did the same thing when Sarah was born. You imagine him, eighteen years younger, furiously scribbling down notes on the best way to swaddle his newborn daughter. The image makes you smile, and when Joel asks what you're smiling about, you shake your head and mumble, "Nothing."

Carolina, being the goddess that she is, stops by your house to get you a clean change of clothes before stopping by her own house for Ryan. Joel helps you change into sweatpants and a flannel button-up from your house. He recognizes it but doesn't say anything or try to take it back; he actually smiles when he pulls it out of the bag. "Looks better on you," he mumbles as he kisses you and tugs the fabric over your shoulders, shaky fingers buttoning the shirt closed for you. The air seems lighter, and the hospital less stuffy in the morning light. Your body is still sore and aching as you sit on the edge of the hospital bed, but you're in better spirits. You're ready to go home and put this all behind you.

"Hey there, stranger," a gravelly voice says, and you turn to see Carolina wheeling Ryan into your room in a wheelchair. Your tear ducts betray your better mood, and you immediately burst into tears at the sight of him. He's bruised and swollen and stitched up, but he's alive. You step off the bed with Joel's help and bend to hug him, sobbing into his shoulder. You think Carolina and Joel exchange hugs and cheek kisses, too, but you can't see through bleary eyes. Ryan reaches up and smooths your hair down like he does and has done every single time he's ever held you while you cried. For some reason, the gesture makes you even more emotional. "I knew I looked bad, but I didn't think it'd be enough to make you cry." He says, and you laugh.

"Shut up," you sniffle as you step back to look at him, carefully wiping tears from your puffy face. Ryan grabs your hand and kisses the top of it. "Besides, I look like shit, too."

"Never." He smiles, and you take a deep breath. You look up at Carolina and swallow thickly. She looks exhausted, her hazel eyes more brown than anything under the hospital lights, and her lips are cracked from pulling at the skin all night. You stare at her, and she stares back, and something unspoken passes between you. Joel keeps you upright, and Ryan holds your hand in his as you hug her as tight as you can and fight more tears. She rubs your back and gently rocks you back and forth like a baby. You've always said Ryan and Carolina were your Mom and Dad friends because they are so parental and nurturing, but it feels especially true now.

"I'm so sorry." Your voice catches in your throat, and you feel her shake her head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're not the one who ran the red light." She says.

"But, I should've been paying attention. I should've seen him coming. I should've,"

"You're both safe. You protected Ryan the best you could and brought him home to me. There is nothing more I could've asked of you, okay? "

"He could've died," you say. Carolina says your name quietly, like she's scolding you, and pulls your face out of her neck, her hands framing your face. Ryan squeezes your hand, and you pinch your thigh with your other hand to stop crying.

"This was an accident. You didn't get in the car thinking someone was gonna hit you, right?" She asks, and you shake your head. "But when you did get hit, the first thing you did was check on him. You did everything possible to make sure he was taken care of because you are a good fucking friend. Maybe one of the best. So, I don't want to hear you apologizing because I should be thanking you." She hugs you again, not hard enough to hurt but enough to make you feel like she's pressing all your broken pieces together again. 

You could probably count on one hand the number of times she's hugged you like this. Once when she and Ryan got married, and you managed to keep her divorced parents from fighting the whole night with copious amounts of liquor and strategic pulls to the dance floor. Once when she had a miscarriage about a year before they had Elizabeth, and you flew home early from shooting in Maine to be with them. You weren't supposed to see them for another two months, and she broke down the second you stepped into their bedroom. And once, when your childhood dog died, and you couldn't make it home in time to say goodbye. Pieces of each of you that you never thought would ever come close to resembling what they used to have been meticulously pulled back together by each other. You can't go back and stop the accident from happening, but slowly, you can let yourself be put back together. 

"I love you," you whisper, and she kisses your temple.

"I love you, too." 

After a few more minutes of crying and hugging, Carolina and Ryan go home. You promise to come over and see them once you feel a little stronger, but they don't rush you. Joel hands you a tissue once they're down the hallway, and you smile before taking and wiping it under your eyes and nose. 

"Feel better?" He asks, and you nod. You step into him and rest your head on his chest. It's partially so you can be close to him and partially because your body hurts too much to stay upright anymore. 

"Thank you," you say. He kisses the top of your head and tucks your hair behind your ears so he can see you clearly.

"You don't have to thank me."

"I want to," you look up at him, and he smiles. Your phone buzzes on the side table, and you reach for it, but Joel stops you. His smile has dropped, and he suddenly looks worried. You furrow your brows and glance between him and your phone. "Joel, what's up?"

"Mel called this morning," he says, and your heart immediately sinks. "Um, she asked if you and Ryan would be ready to do reshoots in two weeks." You nod and bite the inside of your cheek before laughing. You feel crazy standing there, laughing so hard that the ache in your chest blossoms into sharp pain. Joel says your name softly, and you shake your head.

"I just had the scariest experience of my life, and the only thing she called to ask about was my fucking reshoot schedule?"

"I told her to wait."

"No, that's not how it works with her. She needs an answer immediately, or she doesn't get auditions, and if she doesn't get auditions, then I don't work, and she drops me," you scrub a hand down your face and take a deep breath. "I'll call her when I get home."

"What're you gonna say?"

"I'm gonna say yes."

"What?" He asks. "You just said this was the scariest experience you've ever had, and you wanna just go back to work?"

"I don't have a choice. The entire schedule gets thrown off if we don't go in and do whatever they need us to do. Thousands of people are relying on us so they can make money to feed their families. If I say no, production gets halted, it takes longer to get the movie to screens, and we lose money," you shrug. "And they'll put makeup on the bruises and stuff. It'll be like it never even happened. Just how they want it."

"You don't have to go through with this. I'm sure Mel would understand." He insists. 

"You don't know Mel, then," you say. "I'll message her later. It's easier to just shut up and do it than fight about it."

"But-"

"It's fine, Joel. Please, just drop it." You blame your brain pulsing against your skull and the searing pain in your knees for snapping at him. It's not what you wanted to say, but you're so tired. And angry. And in pain. You pull away from him and sit back down on your hospital bed as a nurse comes in with your discharge paperwork. She's incredibly cheerful for ten in the morning. It almost hurts your head having to listen to her describe different types of infection and how to prevent it. Joel nods as she speaks, obviously taking in every piece of information he can and clutching the paperwork to his chest. 

"Other than that, I think you guys are good to go. Do you have a way of getting home?" The nurse asks you.

"I'm takin' her back to my house," Joel answers, and you have to bite your tongue before you say something about him speaking on your behalf. The nurse leaves you with a wheelchair so you don't have to walk all the way to the car, and you look at Joel.

"I can take care of myself,"

"I know you can," he says as he begins gathering your things around the room. "I just wanna take care of you, too." He's being incredibly kind and helpful, you realize that, but that does nothing to stop your frustration with the whole situation. 

Mel will always be Mel, this much you concluded years ago. But Joel butting into your professional life feels like a step too far. You know this business like the back of your hand. He doesn't. It's unfair for him to try to tell you how to deal with your agent when he doesn't know the repercussions. He doesn't understand just how many people are relying on you and Ryan to come back to set for a few reshoots. It would literally waste hundreds of thousands of dollars in studio money to push this back. Answering the nurse's question without consulting you first did nothing to make you feel better. 

Joel seems to notice the silence filling the space between you at the same time as you because he turns and leans down so he can look you in the eye. All your things are stuffed into the huge bag Carolina fished from your closet, and the hospital room looks identical to when you arrived. Joel takes a deep breath and grinds his teeth as he thinks.

"Please, let me take care of you." He says quietly, his tone gentle and borderline begging. Nobody's taken care of you during a sickness or an injury since you left your parent's house. Especially after you started becoming more famous, you didn't want anyone to see you in that vulnerable state and exploit it. People like you are expected to suck it up, keep going and hope it'll go away in a week or two. 

This is different. This is letting Joel assume responsibility for you for at least a few days, something you're sure you'll feel horrible about after the fact. This is staying at his house, eating his food, and sleeping in his bed because you're too wobbly to do those things alone. This is trusting him way more than you ever have. But he wants to. He told you he does. He took notes on how to change the bandages on your fucking stitches. He obviously cares. So, why does this feel so hard? You sigh and swallow your pride, and nod.

"Okay."

Joel's house is not what you expected it to look like. Most musicians you know stick to a very sleek, very boring black and white theme for their homes. White couch, black coffee table, white rug, black piano, white walls, black art. It's typical and almost a running joke between you and your friends each time you end up in a musician's house, but Joel's is different. His house looks lived in with scattered shoes by the door, backpacks slung over chairs, and colorful art on the walls. Some frames depict vast Texas landscapes or longhorns mean mugging the camera, while others are just abstract, bright paint splashes. There are smaller ones, too, with Ellie's loopy signature at the bottom. The couch is oversized and plush, with pillows and blankets nearby for movie nights. Report cards and family pictures hang on the fridge via silly magnets from different states and countries. You realize it feels like a real home after your first night.

You've gotten into a routine by the third day at Joel's house. Joel will wake up before you, sneak out of bed to make breakfast, and gather the pills you need to take to get through the day. Sometimes, he brings it to you, and other times, he helps you down the stairs and into the kitchen. You'll drink coffee and eat breakfast together as the sun slowly peeks over the Los Angeles skyscrapers. After you eat, he'll check your stitches and change the bandage to ensure they're healing correctly. Then, you'll just sit together and hold hands until one of the girls stirs awake, and you get to watch Joel be a dad. 

Sarah is the next one up every morning, but especially this morning, walking down the stairs a full hour and a half before school starts and giving Joel the rundown of her schedule for the day as he makes her breakfast. She asks how you're feeling and then makes sure her dad gave you your medication. You really can take it yourself, but watching them work together to make sure you're alright is sweet. They tease each other for a while before Joel checks his watch and curses under his breath, making his way to the stairs after kissing your and Sarah's foreheads. 

"I'm surprised he doesn't just yell up the stairs for her. That's what my dad used to do." You say as you sip what's left of your coffee, and Sarah shrugs.

"He doesn't yell very often. It scares Ellie. Besides, she wouldn't wake up even if he did." She says nonchalantly, and you immediately want to stuff the words back down your throat. 

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't know," she shrugs, and you shake your head. "In the wise words of Hank Miller," she says before assuming a slouched posture and putting a hand on your wrist. "You're too hard on yourself, darlin'." You laugh at her Texas accent but still can't shake the feeling that you keep getting this— your relationship with the girls— wrong. 

"Well, your grandfather sounds like a very smart man."

"And he's right, y'know," she says, looking at you with those beautiful brown eyes. You wonder if she can see right through you like Joel can. "The whole time you've been here, you keep apologizing."

"I only apologized once this morning."

"Yeah, to me. How many times have you apologized to my dad?" She asks, raising her eyebrows, and you sigh. "It was a family decision to have you come stay with us. Three out of three Millers voted yes. I promise it's really okay."

"It's not that." 

"Then, what is it?" 

"I don't... I've never..." You struggle with the words. "I've never dated someone with kids, and I don't want to overstep or make you guys feel like I'm taking your dad away from you. I don't know how to do this, so I keep saying things and then just feeling stupid or like I messed up. Like I should've remembered the thing about Ellie's foster homes." You don't know why you're disclosing all the information to an eighteen-year-old, but she seems receptive. 

"Ellie doesn't want any of us to treat her differently because of her past, and I'm pretty sure if you tried, she'd rip you a new one. The fact that you're even trying makes such a difference. My dad has dated... some really not great people he never even told about us. But not only do you know about us, you care about us enough to freak out about us, which is totally unnecessary, by the way," she says. "My dad, Ellie, and I are a team, and we have been for a really long time, so we were a little worried when he told us he was dating again. But he's so happy. Like annoyingly happy." You both laugh at that and feel the weight on your shoulders ease off. 

"And Ellie and I kinda agreed that as long as you made my dad happy, we'd find a way to be happy for him, but you make it pretty easy. I like having you around. We both do."

"Yeah?" You ask, and she hums with a big smile on her face. You bump her shoulder with your own and smile too. "I like having you around, too." 

"So, no more worrying about us, okay?" 

"I can't guarantee anything, but thank you. I really appreciate you saying all that." 

"You're welcome." She says as you wrap an arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple. Joel walks back into the kitchen with a knowing look but doesn't say anything, and you wonder how much he heard. A groggy Ellie, still in her pajamas, trails behind him and blindly reaches for the orange juice in the fridge. 

"Oh, motherfucker," Ellie mutters as she sloshes around the last inch of orange juice. She holds up the mostly empty container and gives Joel a deadly serious look. "This is child abuse."

"That ain't child abuse," Joel says, already halfway to the garage. Ellie rolls her eyes before landing on you and softening.

"How're you feeling?" She asks, and you laugh.

"Better after watching you fuck with your dad."

"He's easy to fuck with," she says as the garage door opens again and Joel's footsteps get closer. "Watch this." 

"Here you go," Joel says, handing Ellie a new container of orange juice. She furrows her eyebrows and looks at him.

"I didn't ask for this."

"What? Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"Oh, my God, Dad's losing it." Sarah chimes in. Joel looks confused and like he's genuinely trying to remember if Ellie asked for it, and you can't stop the snort from leaving you.

"You little shit," Joel says, making Ellie laugh. Then, in the blink of an eye, Joel tickles Ellie, and her screeching laughter fills the kitchen. You and Sarah laugh, too, especially when the laughter turns into squeaks. Ellie tries to slip out of his grip, but he picks her up, hauls her over his shoulder, and makes for the backdoor. 

"Joel Miller, do not throw your daughter in the pool!" You yell, and he groans before turning back around and dumping a still giggling Ellie on the couch.

"You win this round, kid," Joel points in her face before kissing her cheek. "Alright, we're gonna have to leave for school soon. Can you be ready in thirty minutes?" 

"Yes, I'm not Sarah."

"Hey!" Sarah shouts as Ellie runs back up the stairs to get dressed, giggling the whole way to her room.

As you and Sarah talk about school, Joel puts eggs, bacon, and toast on a plastic plate for Ellie to eat in the car, forever worried about her missing meals. He takes a little longer than he needs to so he can watch how you two interact, his eyes twinkling in the sunshine. You and Sarah have been friends from the jump, but you have to admit that there's something a little more sacred about her letting you into her space. You and Sarah do your best to ignore his puppy dog eyes, but when Ellie comes downstairs with her backpack slung over her shoulder, she makes a face.

"Why do you look like that?" She asks, making Joel quickly snap out of it.

"Why do you look like that?"

"That's so funny. Did you come up with that yourself?" She rolls her eyes. Joel does a squeaky, high-pitched voice to mock her as he grabs his keys from the counter. He walks over and pecks your lips before walking to the front door.

"Alright, Miller bus is leavin'! Let's roll out!" He yells. The girls bid you a quick goodbye before chasing after him, leaving you completely alone in the house. 

After putting your dirty dishes away, you venture through the house now that you feel a little stronger. You start at the fridge, looking through all the little pictures and magnets deemed worthy of being seen daily. You decide that your favorite is the one of Joel, Tommy, and the girls at the Grand Canyon. It looks like it was taken a few years ago based on the babyish plumpness of Ellie's face and the braces on Sarah's teeth as she smiles. Joel is squinting in the sun, but he's so completely in his element in the desert with his family, hands on the girls' shoulders. It's pinned to the fridge with a Washington, D.C. magnet depicting the Lincoln Memorial. 

As you glide through the house, you keep finding new favorites. Many other celebrities you've met either don't hang up their family photos because they run the risk of ruining the aesthetic of their home or because they don't want people to see them. Joel, however, has massive frames holding multiple pictures of his family throughout the years. A picture of a much younger Joel with a baby strapped to his chest sets you back on your heels because of just how little he looks. He can't be older than twenty-three as he poses, one hand on baby Sarah's back and the other holding a diaper bag. You watch them grow alongside each other as you move down the wall. 

You see pictures from an elementary school career day where Joel and Sarah pose with different tools. Pictures of Tommy, Joel, and Sarah lined up for what looks like a Fourth of July parade when Sarah was a toddler, her chubby hands latched to her dad's as she sat on his shoulders. Then, suddenly and without warning, a round little face framed with wavy brown hair enters the pictures, but it feels like she was always meant to be there. There's a framed photo strip of the three of them making goofy faces at the camera and pretending their dad isn't cool as he kisses their cheeks and rests his head on Ellie's shoulder. You feel almost emotional looking at the worn photos and seeing their love for each other transcend a camera lens. Though, a buzzing in your pocket stops you from thinking any more about it, and you roll your eyes as you read a text from Melanie.

Heard what happened. I'm so sorry :( I got all those pictures from the crash taken down 👍 Still good for reshoots in two weeks?

You sigh and type out a response as the front door opens and Joel walks back in. 

"What're you doin'? I thought you'd be in bed." He says, and you shake your head.

"I wanted to snoop, and I'm responding to Melanie about scheduling." 

"Oh, good. When are you gonna move reshoots to?" He asks as he walks over, his keys still jingling in his hands from dropping off the girls. 

"I'm not moving them."

"What? I thought you were gonna try and change it." He says as you press send on your message confirming the dates and look up at him, confused. 

"I never said that." 

"We talked about it at the hospital."

"Yeah, but I never said I'd change the time just because you didn't agree." You say, and he scoffs. You tuck your phone away and cross your arms over your chest while he searches your face like he's waiting for the punchline to a joke he's never heard. When it doesn't come, he shakes his head.

"Wow." He breathes, and you furrow your brows.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Something."

"I just can't believe you didn't even try to fight her on it." He says in a frustrated tone, and you give him three beats of silence to rethink what he just said. 

"Melanie can be a bitch, but she's also responsible for my career. If I fuck her over, I fuck myself over." You say when he doesn't backtrack.

"Is that what she told you?" 

"Joel," you warn, but he doesn't stop.

"If you keep goin' like this, it's gonna kill you. Do you realize that?" He asks incredulously, and you throw your arms up.

"We are in entirely different worlds when it comes to our careers, so can you please stop telling me how to run mine? I don't get on you this much about your job."

"Because I don't work myself to the bone like you do."

"You're right. You don't," you snap, and he takes a deep breath. You're not quite sure where to go from here. You don't know if this counts as a fight, but you know you feel bad. "I already confirmed. I can't change it now." You say softer than the harshness that took over your voice moments ago.

"Okay," he nods. "Then, 'm comin' to set with you because we both know that if somethin' goes wrong, Mel isn't gonna do shit to help you." He says, all of his frustration pointed at your manager now, and you want to argue that what he said isn't true but can't find the words. You think it's because, deep down, you know he's right, but you won't say it. Not now. So, instead, you just nod and unclench your jaw.

"Fine." You say as you pull out your phone to add an addendum to your previous confirmation. Joel walks into the kitchen and puts his keys on the counter before leaning against it, arms crossed over his chest. Once you're done typing, you look up and stare at him, watching the gears in his head shift.

"I really thought the car accident would've made you wanna slow down or, at least, take the time to recover. Make you see there's more to life than just work." He scoffs, and you bite your tongue so hard you taste blood. You move from your place by the photos and reach the bottom of the stairs, fighting tears, before you turn to him. He hasn't moved, but he's watching you.

"I hope you know that was a really fucking shitty thing to say to me. I would never take something like this and spin it against you because I care about you."

"I do care about you."

"Then, let me do my fucking job and stay out of my way." You walk up the stairs with a little stomp in your step. It feels very juvenile and petulant, but you're pissed and embarrassed. Who is he to dictate what you do and when? It's none of his fucking business how you run your own career. Who is he to make you feel bad for working? To fight with you about something that doesn't concern him? 

Still, even as these angry thoughts spiral in your mind, you cry the second you close the bedroom door behind you. The physical pain, nightmares, arguments, and guilt eat you from the inside out. And as you sit in that big house overflowing with love so real you can feel it in the floorboards and the man who showed up at the hospital for you downstairs, you feel completely and utterly alone for the first time since you signed your name on that stupid contract. 

[underworldreaderinserts]

Hey, this is my first time doing a request and I don’t know if this is the right place to put it (I hope it is). But I was wondering if you do do multiple characters, if you could do (separate) headcannons for Zagreus, Thanatos, and Hypnos falling for someone completely mortal on the surface? Thank you so much and I’m really sorry if I didn’t input my request correctly!

Hello, love! No, you did absolutely fine, this is exactly where you’re supposed to submit your requests♡ Thank you so much for sending it in! I hope it’s to your liking♡ I’m so sorry it took so long to publish. The past few days have been hectic! But I’m back♡ Do these even count as headcanons? I’m so sorry-- I know you asked for them separate, but I thought of them all together, and I accidentally made a poly circle. Since this post is long enough already, I’ll leave them out, but please let me know if you’d want me to make a post with them! I had so much fun imagining and writing it that I couldn’t help myself♡  -- Ryan

Thanatos:

✧ Your modest, mortal life hadn’t been too grandiose; you worked as a humble physician, tending to your village in ways of medication and treatment, everything between minor procedures and check ups.

     ✧ In your line of work, death was no stranger. It wasn’t very frequent that patients died in your care, but when they did -- whether it was a life lost to infection, injury, or illness -- they were only in extreme cases. (Needless to say, Thanatos had made all those visits to your practice)

✧ In the beginning, he'd refrained from any involvement in your life -- only watching over the soul whose allotted time was running out before reaping them, then departing. 

✧ But one day, he’d watched you fighting to keep your patient alive. Tears streaming down your face as you did everything in your power to stabilize the boy. His parchment read, ‘name; Nicos, age; 10, cause of death; injury by stampede’. 

     ✧ He knew that he’d have no other choice but to take the boy’s soul -- living with those irreversible damages would be a worse outcome.

✧ After that, he began to notice things he never did before. 

     ✧ The care you put in to making your patients comfortable before they passed. How you went above and beyond caring for them, and giving preventative measures to prolong their life (though he’d still be there to take the soul regardless, he’d watched as you did your best to preserve their life). All of it showed how limitless your strength was.

✧ “He’s.. doing fine. The boy.” You heard a voice one day, an unfamiliar one. You turn around from the bookshelf you stand before, holding a journal and a vial of ointment. 

     ✧ “Excuse me?” You blink, asking the stranger softly, taking in his features. He wasn’t from the village, you were aware of that. The village rarely had travelers passing through, and given this man’s robes and garments, you weren’t quite sure he was an ordinary man.

          ✧ “Nicos. He’s doing well.” The man wields his scythe, gently shifting its weight from one hand to the other. Your eyes widen as it dawns on you. “Than..atos?” Correctly identifying him, he seems to give a small bow of his head.

               ✧ You do as any sane person would, in the presence of a god; you drop everything in your hands and take a step back. You had enough reason to believe him -- after all, you knew everyone in this village, and Nicos had passed months before his arrival. There was no way he’d have known.

               ✧ “Are you... Is it my time?” You ask, leaving Thanatos a bit puzzled. “Are you here to collect my soul?” You repeat, and the understanding visually clicks in Thanatos, and he chuckles, shaking his head. Of course, you’d believe he’d come for your soul, as he’d only ever appeared before humans who have met their time. “Then... What is it you’ve come for?”

               ✧ You’d asked the million dollar question. Why had he even appeared before you? What was it that drew him out like this? “I... Can’t tell you myself. I just came to tell you, he’s doing well.” And with a toll of a bell, he’d disappeared. No word of goodbye, no mention of ever coming back.

               ✧ Reflecting on what had just happened; The God of Death himself had come into your home, just to tell you that Nicos was alright. It warmed your heart to take comfort in that, knowing that he was no longer in pain.

               ✧ Sitting on the situation a little longer, and judging by that little bit of information, it finally dawned on you that he was there, personally, for that event, and that he’d thought of you enough to reassure you.

✧ Due to his work, Thanatos makes frequent trips to the surface. 

✧ Frequent trips to the surface, meant frequent visits (where he could, of course. Lord Hades would have his head if he didn’t prioritize his job).

✧ At first, he refrained from any sort of involvement in your life -- he’d come for his job, and nothing more. But now he seeks you out. He’ll stop by to check in, or even just to see your face. And one thing differs now, when he comes to reap the soul’s whose allotted time had run out.

     ✧ “Take good care of them, Thanatos.” You’d smile softly as you place a coin over your patient’s mouth, voicing your little prayer to him. You said this each time, too, and it made him think you could see him.

✧ He wasn’t sure when it began, but thoughts of seeing you as he carried out his job filled him with a warm, soft feeling.

Hypnos:

✧ In charge of the census of the dead, Hypnos was aware of how everyone dies; when they died, and where they end up in the Underworld.

     ✧ He found that his job became so ingrained in his being that, when he’d drift off at work, his dreams would take him to visions of the lives of some of the mortals he had met, or have yet the pleasure of meeting when they come to the underworld.

          ✧ Most of these dreams always tie back to a particular individual -- someone who seems to touch the lives of everyone they’ve ever met.

✧ At first, he’d just assumed that you’d met and knew everyone in the world, as the only common denominator throughout these dreams was you. But upon further evaluation of that statement, he had determined that was impossible.

     ✧ Next, he had to admit that perhaps he was drawn to you. Whether it was a connection the Fates mandated, or it was his subconscious actively seeking you out, he’d have these visions of your life, these interactions with the people in your life.

          ✧ An image of your smile, the depiction of an experience you had. You’d invaded his dreams, and eventually his thoughts.

✧ Being shackled to the House, and without the luxury that Thanatos or Zagreus have to go to the surface, Hypnos only has a very one-sided means of interacting with you; and though he doesn’t know you, he’s very drawn to you.

✧ It’s curious. As he’s seen all these snippets of your life, he feels he simultaneously knows everything about you, yet nothing about you at all. He could see these candid shots of your life, but he doesn’t know your dreams, your ambitions, or even the sound of your voice.

✧ With his thoughts always falling back to you, he’s a bit more spacey on the job, receiving reprimands from Hades more and more often, looks judgement from his brother, and looks of solemn understanding from his mother.

✧ Achilles teases him, recognizing traits of “a lovesick puppy”, but never really gets an answer on what that means (he might even observe Cerberus for a while to see if he can understand it a little more).

✧ He awaits enthusiastically, and a tad bittersweetly, for your eventual arrival to the Underworld, desiring nothing more than to meet you, and to hear your experiences of life on the surface.

⚠️Spoilers Ahead!! ⚠️

Zagreus:

✧ Most of your mortal life is spent in Persephone’s vibrant and luscious gardens.

     ✧ You lived not too far from her cottage, and you made frequent visits to her, bringing her goods and gifts from the market, and the words from all the gossipers of the town.

          ✧ As far as you knew, she was the only one who lived here, and she didn’t seem to have any family of her own. Taking care of her gardens seemed to be her passion, and to be honest you enjoyed her company. There was something about her, so lively and inviting, that made it hard to stay away for long.

✧ Trips to Persephone were always fragrant, delicious, and warm, despite the permanent snow in the region. Conversations over meals, fishing by the river, and of course time spent in the garden where you got to watch your toils bear great produce.

✧ One day, you return to the cottage, a basket of bass and trout resting on your hip as you walk. The plan was to make a profit selling them in town, and use the coin to get better tools for the garden and the kitchen.

     ✧ Though, on the way to the cottage, you notice scorched earth in the shape of a bare footprints. The trail leads up to the garden, where you find Persephone with a man you’ve never seen before. A man like you’ve never seen before.

          ✧ You watch on as Persephone embraces this ethereal form, whose skin is much like ash and moonstone. He looked beyond out of place, yet, something about him felt so familiar.

               ✧ Focused on the two before you, carelessly unaware of your surroundings, you snap a branch under your foot, alerting them of your presence. The stranger flinched, tensing as he pulls his guard up. He turns to meet your eyes, and whatever words you’d formed in your mind vanished.

               ✧ One red, one green -- his eyes bore into yours as you admire his. That electrifying moment of attraction ends in time with Persephone clearing her throat.

               ✧ No one needed to say anything for you to recognize he’d had the same energy as Persephone. You could deduct immediately that he was her son. But nonetheless, Persephone’s words broke the silence, “[Y/N], This is... my son. This is Zagreus.”

               ✧ “Zagreus..” You sit a moment, tasting his name as it falls from your tongue, and it was something about the way you said his name that drew a shiver up his spine.

               ✧ “[Y/N]... Have you been here the whole time? How much did you hear? Do the Olympians know of you, too?” His questions went miles a minute, but made no sense to you. “Why would the Olympians...? What, do you mean the Gods?” You ask, and Zagreus exchanged a look to his mother, recognizing his own mistake.

               ✧ However, he’d reached his limit in that moment, and Zagreus clutched his chest, stumbling. Immediately, you drop your basket in worry, and go over to help him maintain his balance. Persephone placed her hand on your shoulder, and you watched as his body faded away.

✧ It was then, between that day and the next visit Zagreus paid to the garden, that the whole truth was told to you. How Persephone was actually the daughter of Demeter, the cause of the perpetual snow, and Zagreus was her son with the God of the Underworld, Hades.

✧ Since the day he’d met you in his mother’s garden, his curiosity was piqued. 

     ✧ How long had you been visiting his mother? If you hadn’t known she was a Goddess of Olympus, what was it that drove you to help her? His heart beat faster with his recount of your eyes, your voice, your worry as he felt the tug of the Styx back to the Underworld.

✧ His mission remained escaping to see his mother again, and again, but he found himself hoping each time that you were there.

     ✧ To try the food that you’d make for him. To hear the newest rumor that was spreading around the town. To help around the garden, and see you glow with happiness as each of the plants met maturity. 

✧ You’d invaded his mind, tugging at the strings of his heart -- and on the days when you were away from the garden, his mother had no problems teasing him about his crush on you. Though, she admits, if she’d have to give her only son away to anyone, it would absolutely be you.

[picnokinesis]

thirteenth doctor fic recs

1. Absent Aliens by toby_or_not_toby (5k, 2 chapters, gen) summary: the doctor makes some very bad decisions in the wake of Gallifrey's destruction. And now she doesn't know how to get home.

// guh, this one. It’s pretty mostly a solo thirteen fic, and it’s gut-wrenching and incredible all in one. I’m a sucker for multiverse stuff any day of the week. It also rather brilliantly slips in a timeless child reference, which I’m lowkey obsessed with. I’ve read and cried over this one more than once haha GO READ IT

2. Zero Hour by riptheh (7k, 1 chapter, gen) summary: The Doctor falls asleep, and falls out of the universe. Or, the Doctor searches for her memories, and finds them. Sort of.

// ok, from a technical standpoint ALONE, this one deserves a rec because it absolutely blew my mind. I can’t really say why because spoilers but oh it’s brilliant. Extremely clever, incredible concept and flawless execution. It’s insane.

3. Fracture by Quandtuniverse (1k, 1 chapter, thoschei) summary: All the pieces are in place. Everything is set. All that's left is to spring the trap. The moment comes. And he doesn't.

// probably my favourite ‘master doesn’t reveal himself in spyfall’ fic, and that’s saying something because there are a lot of excellent ones out there. The imagery in this is just beautiful, and even though this author has quite a sparse writing style, the characters still feel so rich. It’s awesome.

4. infinite hotel paradox by wreckageofstars (5k, 1 chapter, gen) summary: A hotel haunted by her greatest fears, a nightmare creature stalking the halls, and the Doctor nowhere to be found. Yaz has her work cut out for her — again, and again, and again.

// ok, so I could have recced so many fics by this author, but I feel like everyone has read ghost story and fisher king already, so here’s a different one which I absolutely adore. I’m a sucker for paradoxes, and this one is explored so well, it’s fantastic - and especially in the emotional wake of Can You Hear Me?, it’s just does NOT pull any punches and auugh I love it so much. Incredible character writing. Also Yaz being awesome! 

5. the dying of the light by lupescx (5k, 1 chapter, thoschei) summary: It's the slow disintegration of a Time Lord. In prison, the Doctor drifts and her mind dissolves. Only the voices of the dead keep her company--oh, and the Master.

// look. I know I recced this fic on the other post. I know. But it’s good, ok? It makes my heart ache, and the concepts and imagery in it are just so so wonderful. Also? Soft but extremely angsty thoschei? I’m so here for it. 

6. gestaltzerfall by SleepyMaddy (4k, 1 chapter, thoschei) summary: At first, she thinks she’s dreaming. She doesn’t do much of that, these days –doesn’t sleep long enough for it. But it’s the most likely explanation for those rough stone walls, for that stale, sea-salted air, for that overwhelming, echoing silence. And then the first fly buzzes in her ear.

// oh man, this one. What a gutpunch, but oh I love it so much. Absolutely chilling, and just...such a brilliant exploration of the Doctor’s trauma and how the Master responds to it. I don’t really have much to say other than I love this a WHOLE lot, it’s so beautifully written and you should go read it asap

7. The Funeral Gap by rowanthestrange_yugihell (12k, 1 chapter, gen) summary: People think that dying is a strict progression from ‘alive’ to ‘funeral’, but actually it’s more like a big ball of paperworky-organisey-waiting-aroundy stuff.

// this is one of the first thirteen fics I ever read, and man it’s still up there as one of my favourites. An absolutely fantastic exploration of the aftermath of thirteen’s first episode and Grace’s death. Also did I mention Ryan content? So much Ryan content, we love to see it. Augh, it’s just so brilliant

8. i've been trying not to break (and now it's falling into place) by hellynz (6k, 1 chapter, thoschei) summary: 'Every throb of her head was a reminder, every catch of breath in her throat. Any moment she had not yet found him was another moment he could tear at the fabric of the universe.’ The Doctor stops being able to sleep with the Master loose on the universe. So she locks him in the vault. That doesn't help, either.

// This one HURTS. SO MUCH. The Doctor and the Master are written so perfectly, and so naturally that makes it even more painful. I’ve run out of words, it’s just really beautifully written and my heart can’t really take it but it does anyway because I’m an angst gremlin and I live for this stuff

9. Contact by Ghostmonument (2k, 1 chapter, thoschei) summary: What if instead of searching for cryptic signs of the Master, the Doctor just...texted him? What if they took their intergalactic game of semi-horny chess to...a cafe? What if they managed to share more than a single braincell? The Doctor and Master sit down for a short conversation and resolve absolutely nothing but the further revelations of their differences... and similarities.

// last, but absolutely not least - this one is both funny and brilliant and angsty all at the same time. I don’t see as much Master pov as Doctor pov, but this is a brilliant Master pov fic, and it’s just so cool to see the Doctor through his eyes. It definitely influenced how I write the Master in my own fic. It just hits the nail on the head so beautifully. Fantastic writing. Go check it out!

[some-days-we-get-sundays]

prompt request: Sophie is jealous

There is a knock on the door to Mary and Ryan’s place. 

Mary goes to open the door and Sophie is standing on the other side looking amazing in a red blouse and black jeans. She also looks kind of sad but not in an unhappy way, more somber if anything with a lot going on in her eyes and an expression that Mary can’t quite read. Sometimes she wishes she had Alice’s skill of deciphering people. 

“Hey, Sophie. I thought you’d be with Kate. Did you go and see her?” Mary opened the door wider and allowed Sophie to walk in. The two women made their way to the couch. 

Sophie sighed as she slipped her shoes off and sat down. “Kate’s gone.” Mary made a face because she knew Kate was leaving again, off to the next great adventure. She had made peace with it. She was just happy that she got Kate back - the real Kate, and that she wasn’t dead. Mary still wakes up crying and drenched in sweat when she has dreams of Kate and her funeral. She would love for Kate to stay and for them to catch up, but it’s enough right now knowing that she’s alive and safe. And that she remembers who Mary is again. 

“Kate came and met me at The Hold Up. She had her stupid motorcycle helmet in her hands and said she was leaving. Going to go find Bruce and your dad.” Sophie rolls her eyes and her voice sounds even more raspy than usual. 

“Yeah, Kate told us she was going.” Mary thought Kate would at least stick around a bit longer for Sophie. “I’m sorry Soph. I know she loved you so much. She’s been through a lot and, I know the feeling. She needs time to figure things out. She’ll be back.” Mary tried to be comforting and give Sophie what she needed in this moment, even though she wasn’t too sure exactly what it was Sophie needed. But she rubbed her back anyway and went to put on some water for tea. She felt like this was more of a tea moment than a let’s get hammered and solve clues under the direction of a mad man moment. 

Mary came back a few moments later with tea in hand. 

“You know, you should really start leaving some clothes over here to hang out in. If you weren’t so tall I’d say you could borrow something of mine. I feel a girls night coming on.” Mary said and laughed softly. Sophie brought her tea to her lips, blew on it, and then set it back down. “I might have shorts that would fit you, and Ryan has some oversized sleep shirts. You could borrow something.” Mary thought out loud.

“I don’t know if Ryan would want me over here getting that comfortable.” Sophie didn’t actually mean this, she knew her and Ryan were in a much better place. Sophie offered Ryan her couch to crash on. They were no longer Crowie and the Ex-Con with no future. They were really starting to just become Sophie and Ryan. Wildmoore. 

“Oh come on, you and Ryan are tight now. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you two being a lot nicer to each other.” Mary lightly bumped her shoulder into Sophie’s. 

“Where is Ryan anyway?” Sophie asked attempting to be nonchalant. She picked up her tea and blew on it some more as a distraction and to help with her façade of appearing uninterested. 

“Um, I think she went to go meet with Imani.” Sophie sputtered and almost spilled her tea. 

“Woah girl, you alright?” 

“Yeah, just, this was way hotter than I was expecting.” Sophie laughed awkwardly and tried to recover. “She’s with Imani?” Sophie pressed out her bottom lip in consideration before her next comment. “I thought they were over?” Sophie didn’t know for sure if Ryan and Imani were over but ever since Luke got shot, she and Ryan were spending a lot more time together and Imani was nowhere to be found. Ryan hadn’t even mentioned her. Unless Ryan and Imani just sexted and spent late nights together. Sophie found herself annoyed with the thought of Ryan and Imani spending late nights together and sexting.

“Um I don’t know actually now that you mention it. I mean you were there when I told Ryan I don’t want to be included in her little sexcapades so maybe that’s why we haven’t heard from the two of them as of late.” Mary offered. Sophie was quiet. So Mary kept talking to fill the silence. “But Imani is cool, you’d like her.” 

“I know Imani is cool Mary, she saved us from jail with her fancy lawyer knowledge. Besides, Ryan wouldn’t date somebody uncool. I mean except for Angelique.” Sophie said as an after thought.

“Ohhh you didn’t like her either!?” Mary exclaimed and put her hand on Sophie’s shoulder.” Mary laughed joyously. “Whew I thought I was the only one! Girl maybe we do need to get out the hard stuff from the cupboard!” She gave Sophie a look letting her know that she was down to turn up whenever she said the word.

“It’s not that I didn’t like her. She just wasn’t good enough for Ryan.” Sophie said matter-of-factly. Mary sat there in stunned silence at Sophie’s admission. But before she could say anything, Sophie tried to clarify. 

“I-I just meant like she’s Ryan Wilder, bad ass extraordinaire, Batwoman by night and day, bartending babe on the side. Angelique was just bringing Ryan down. I never saw it until I got to know Ryan and realized she was always covering for Angelique, and Angelique was taking advantage of Ryan’s kindness and the emotional attachment that was there from when they were kids. Ryan felt like she owed Angelique, when really it was the other way around. Ryan’s a good person. She deserves someone who knows that but doesn’t use it against her, someone like-”

“Someone like you?” Mary offered up slowly, testing the waters. 

“Are we singing Adele now?” Sophie went for a joke hoping that she was coming off as aloof. Mary just kept staring back at Sophie with a grin on her face. 

“Stop smiling Mary. Ok what? If you’re thinking I want to date Ryan, I don’t.” Sophie inwardly cringed as this sounded like such a lie even to her own ears. 

“Well it doesn’t sound like you want anyone else to have her.” Mary was feeling emboldened. Sophie didn’t seem mad, she just seemed either unaware or in denial. Mary continued, “you didn’t like Angelique, which I am with you on that one. And you sound jealous of Ryan spending time with Imani. So if all these girls that Ryan gets with upset you, then why don’t you just ask Ryan out? You just said she deserves better. You could be better.” 

Sophie took a long pause and stirred her tea. Seemingly gathering up courage to say what she was going to say. “Ryan and I are finally friends. It took so long for us to get to this place of genuine understanding and respect. I don’t want to throw dating her into the mix. And yes, ok, she’s gorgeous, like drop dead gorgeous- she is. But what if things go horribly wrong and then we’re back to square one. Or even worse, we don’t even talk anymore because we hate each other so much. I don’t want to take that risk. I care about her too much.” Mary sat there with her eyes wide and a shit eating grin on her face. She had no idea Sophie had all these feelings. She thought at the very most Sophie was just crushing. 

“Oh my gosh, you totally love her!” Mary squealed.  

“Shut up Mary. I don’t.” Sophie got up to bring their empty tea cups to the kitchen and to try and calm her nerves and distance herself for a second from Mary’s prying and absurd accusations. 

“You love her! You love her! You love her!” Mary repeated trying to get Sophie to admit it.

 At that moment the door suddenly opened and in walked Ryan. 

Mary froze and Sophie came out of the kitchen to see who it was. She had a fleeting thought that it would be Kate and that maybe she had changed her mind and decided to stick around. Sophie then had another fleeting thought that Ryan and Mary should possibly change the locks. Just incase Kate isn’t Kate again or something.  

“Um who loves who?” Ryan grinned as she came inside and closed the door. She kicked off her shoes and ran a hand through her loose curls. Sophie came back and sat on the couch. Her and Ryan gave each other quick smiles. The energy between them was so different than it had been only a few short months ago. Before, Ryan would have been demanding to know why there was a crow in her loft. 

“Kate loves Sophie.” Mary quickly covered. 

“Oh.” Ryan simply said and walked off to her room. Mary and Sophie looked at each other with nervous expressions. Not soon after Ryan left she was back in an oversized shirt and some sleep shorts. Sophie had to try hard not to slowly run her eyes up and down Ryan’s entire body. That girl was banging. 

“So how is Imani?” Sophie awkwardly and quickly tried to take the attention off of herself and change the subject. She was still curious where Imani came from and how long she was going to be staying. Ryan shot Mary a look, and Mary put her hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, I barely said anything. Sophie asked where you were and I said you were with Imani.” Now it was Sophie’s turn to shoot Mary another glare. Ryan was smiling wildly and looking between the two. She hadn’t realized that she was the topic of conversation while she was gone.

“So, you been asking about me huh Soph?” Ryan teased. 

“Girl please. It was just so peaceful and quiet over here so I was just making sure you weren’t getting yourself into trouble somewhere.” Sophie quipped. 

“Oh I was definitely getting into trouble.” Ryan shot back with a smug look on her face. “I was getting into a very sexy kind of trouble, I got into trouble maybe 3 of 4 times actuall-”

“Ok we get it Ryan.” Sophie snapped. “I mean, we get it.” Sophie said a little softer this time. Then without warning Sophie got up, hurriedly walked to the door, opened it, and rushed out, slamming it shut as she left. 

Inside the loft, Ryan and Mary gave each other puzzled looks and Ryan pointed to the door as if to say, what was all that about. “You should go after her.” Mary said simply and then retreated to her room. Ryan shook her head in confusion and then went to find Sophie.

Ryan didn’t have to go far as Sophie was sitting just outside the door against the wall. Ryan stood in front of her. Sophie didn’t look up so Ryan slid down next to Sophie against the wall. Ryan put her hand on Sophie’s knee and now the ball was in Sophie’s court. Ryan patiently waited and hoped that Sophie would share what was bothering her. Sophie had been there for Ryan this whole year, and Ryan wanted to return the favor. Sophie looked up with pools of water in her autumn colored eyes threatening to spill and Ryan’s heart broke just a bit. Sophie was always so strong but Ryan didn’t want or need her to be. Sophie was allowed to break and fall apart, and in that moment, Ryan vowed to always be there to catch her and help pick up the pieces when she did. 

“I’m sorry for running out like that.” Sophie said quietly and sniffled. 

“Soph, you do not need to apologize.” Ryan reassured her. They were quiet again for a few beats. 

“So, you really like Imani.” It wasn’t a question, more like an observation. 

Is that what this is about, Ryan thought. Is Sophie- is she jealous? That can’t be right. If she was jealous that would mean... Ryan looked over again slowly at Sophie. 

“Imani is great.” Ryan started. She watched as Sophie sunk into herself more at that statement. Ryan continued, “but it’s not serious. It’s just sex and comfort and the closeness of somebody. I know I talk a big game and don’t get me wrong, being Batwoman is amazing, it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed, but it’s lonely. And whoever I’m with I can’t even share myself fully with them. I think I’m going to break it off with her anyway.” Ryan was thinking out loud at this point. Up until now she didn’t mind having a fling with Imani, it kept her company. But like her and Luke had discussed, it was hard dating and being a Superhero. And if Sophie was into her...

“Kate left.” Sophie said suddenly. Ryan sighed. She looked at Sophie, put a finger up to her cheek and caught a stray tear that was sliding down the side of her face. “I know.” Ryan said. She wiped her damp finger on her sleep shirt. 

“I think I’m... relieved.” Sophie finally said. This surprised Ryan. She thought Kate was the love of Sophie’s life. 

"She was the love of my life, but I think the key word is, was.” Sophie said as if reading Ryan’s mind. “I think I loved who she used to be. When she came back I was different and so was she. And when she took off again, I realized I wasn’t all that upset or hurt. It took losing her to realize that while I loved and cared deeply for her, she’s not my soul mate. She represents a time in my life that is special but it’s not where I am anymore. And then I met someone named Ryan Wilder.” Sophie smirked and looked into Ryan’s wide shocked eyes.

“Me?” Ryan said with the cutest look on her face that Sophie had ever witnessed. 

“Yes you. Ryan, you annoyed the hell out of me, you pissed me off, you irritated and enraged me-” 

“Ok girl, damn. We get it.” Ryan rolled her eyes. Sophie let out a raspy chuckle and continued. 

“You challenged me, you made me see things that I didn’t want to see within myself and within the Crows. You inspired me, you amazed me, and you thrilled me. I wanted to be a better me because of you Ryan. And then when I found out that you were Batwoman...I  knew I had it in me to fight the system in the way that you do. And I could no longer keep working with the same people who you were trying to take down. I had to pick a side. And I’m team Ryan.” Sophie smiled. 

Ryan laughed and lightly shoved her. “You’re team corny. But thank you. Thank you for choosing me.” Ryan said turning serious for a moment, but she couldn’t stop another grin from overtaking her features. 

“I’ll always choose you, Ryan.” 

Ryan visibly swallowed and then she looked at Sophie. “So, you really do have a thing for women in suits, huh.” Ryan teased. 

“I have a thing for you.” Sophie retorted. 

“Wow, just getting right to it huh?” Ryan flirted back. Sophie shrugged, “I want you Ryan. And I don’t want to step on Imani’s toes or anything but-”

Sophie felt warm, soft, wet lips press against her own. She instinctively flinched and then closed her eyes and sunk into the feeling of Ryan’s lips pressed against her own. Sophie immediately sucked and pecked at Ryan’s bottom lip and then she dipped her tongue into Ryan’s mouth, she let Ryan dip her own tongue out and she lightly sucked on it while Ryan sucked and kissed Sophie’s top lip. She felt Ryan’s hands in her hair and so she moved her hands to Ryan’s waist, and slipped them slightly under the oversized shirt Ryan was wearing. She had wanted to feel Ryan’s abs for quite some time now. Ryan smelled like shea butter, lavender, and eucalyptus. Sophie’s senses were shooting into overdrive. A cough interrupted them as someone walked by. They both realized they were still sitting out in the hall. 

“We should go inside.” Sophie said and then laughed. Her face was flushed and her blouse that was tucked into her jeans was now hanging loosely untucked. They got up and opened the loft door and saw Mary race to the couch. 

“Um hey guys.” Mary tried sounding as casual as possible. “You guys wanna stay up and chat?” Mary offered. She wanted all the tea and it was worth a shot. Ryan and Sophie knew they had been caught. 

“Goodnight Mary. Oh, and Sophie’s staying over.” Ryan said as she walked Sophie to her room. Mary noticed Ryan held Sophie’s fingers gently in her hand. Mary squealed. 

“Details! I want details in the morning! And pancakes.” Mary shouted as an after thought. 

“Deal.” Ryan said as her and Sophie giggled and Ryan closed her bedroom door behind them. 

[scorsoneamelia]

oh my god ok so i decided to write a little smth about my girl amelia because i love writing and i used to do it all the time but i stopped and i rlly rlly wanna get back into it

so i wrote smth that takes place at the end of s17 after the amelink proposal 

TW: mention of drugs/addiction/death

                Sometimes --- more often that usual, it feels like the world is ending, like life will never slow down, no matter how many times she wishes and she prays that she'll be able to wake up and it will feel like a breath of fresh air; to be able to wake up and have the rays of the morning sunshine creeping it's way through the dark curtains, hitting her boyfriend's face at an angle that made him look absolutely breathtaking, an angel sent from God himself, so beautiful that it'd take her breath away, and maybe even her heart would skip a beat-- literally. And then his eyes would flutter open so delicately and the rays would make his blue eyes sparkle, looking even more blue than she ever remembered.

             But instead, she woke up with the alternative.Alone--oh, ever so lonely. He had sprung up the big question, getting down on one knee and pouring his absolute heart out, even giving her four rings because the boy was worried and conflicted on exactly what he wanted the ring to look like. It wasn't like she didn't want to, or that she didn't love him because oh my god, she loved him. Loved him so much that sometimes it made her chest feel tight and it made her want to understand what she did to deserve someone like him, someone as amazing as him.

             You challenge me... you-you.. thrill me. You.. impress the hell out of me.

              On top of the world-wide pandemic, Scout-- Meredith's kids, her mind is going a million miles a minute and for once she wants to take a step back-- out of her own mind, her own life and just breathe.

           And there's definitely nobody on Earth like you.

            She can't get the image out of her head, the heartbreak that spread across his face, the absolute sadness and pain that washed away the big big smile he had previously been giving her. She didn't mean to just blank and stare at him with no words, no expression-- she just froze.

            So now, she woke up alone, her boyfriend not beside her. She felt like she couldn't catch her breath and maybe it was because life sucked or maybe it was because of the nightmare that kept flashing through her head, in bits of pieces like a flash on a camera. Appearing back into her mind for a second before she completely forgets what the dream was even about. It was about her father-- it's always about her father. But this time, it was about her father-- Ryan, Derek and even Christopher. Four of the most important people to her; gone. The curtains were closed, the rays couldn't peak their way inside, or maybe it was because it was ten o'clock at night-- the room so so dark, almost as dark as her mind as been lately.

        Meetings had been harder to attend, the pandemic had only been allowing them to do meetings over a computer screen, in the same atmosphere that is making her feel like she's going crazy. Scout takes all of her free time away-- actually all of her time. She loves him, more than she loves herself but for months now she hasn't been able to breathe, especially with her nieces and nephew also needing all of hers and Link's full attention. She's doing this because they're her family and Meredith is on a vent, the world trying to take even more away from her.

        A day or two at work is what she needed this week to feel like she was alive again, cutting into someone's brain to give her some kind of feeling, even if it was just adrenaline. Sometimes, Amelia wishes that the adrenaline was enough. Was enough feeling for her to keep going-- god, she wants to give up so badly.  

        So, that night instead of waking to her boyfriend's beautiful blue eyes, she woke up to an empty room and an empty house because her sister was nice enough to take the kids for a day, the day after her wedding because hell-- she was that nice. She broke down, tears staining her cheeks and she was worried she wasn't going to stop.

         You're loud and fearless and it scares the crap out of me. How am I supposed to call you up and tell you that I've been shot? I can't tell you about my pain-- I don't want you to know that pain exists.

          Derek--- she missed her big brother more than she has ever missed anyone. Her father being an exception but Derek, her favourite person in the entire world was taken from her too soon and once again it felt like her world was crashing down around her. His voice was repeating in her head like a broken record and it was loud--- so loud, was she crazy? 

         You're my favourite sister.

         She couldn't breathe, it was like she was reliving the news all over again. Her chest felt like it was caving in and Derek's voice was still ringing in her head, like he was haunting her. 

          "We did that." Amelia nodded, standing next to her older brother after a successful brain surgery that saved the mother of her friend's son. 

           "We did that." He agreed. "We gotta publish." She joked, Derek looking over at her and replying with, "Oh hell yeah we do... You ever think about doing drugs again-"

           "Remember this?" Amelia interrupted.

           "I was gonna say call me and I'll fly down to Los Angeles to knock some sense into you." He joked, causing them both to laugh. "But okay... remember this. But that doesn't work,"

         "Yeah, you can totally kick my ass." She joked, extending her arm to shove him in the arm gently, both of them laughing while he pulled her into a tight hug. "Done. I love you." Derek said softly while he tightly held onto his little sister, and she was hugging him back as if she never wanted to let him go.

        Her favourite person in the entire world was gone and she didn't know what to do anymore, grief comes in waves and it never goes away. It's true what they say about grief-- it gets better with time...  because it does and she knows that better than anyone else. But what they don't say is that when it does come back, it's like a wave hitting you when you least expect it and then you're drowning, trying to catch your last breath before you're suffocating.

       "You didn't kill Ryan," the girl with the dyed red hair had stated, someone that had became her friend after her first night at the treatment centre.

       "Excuse me?" Amelia asked, mostly taken by surprise because it was in front of a group of people, a literal group of people.

        "You didn't kill him. You might've wrote the prescriptions but he took the drugs himself." Everyone was listening now, her secrets now out in the open. Secrets she never shared with the group.

          "Shut up, Hayley." Amelia snapped. 

           "And that guilt-- that's gonna kill you. That's what killed my best friend, it was guilt. Cause her mom was so freaked that she had a breakdown and her dad left-" It was like it was just the two of them, direct eye contact with each other. It was like everyone else that was in the room disappeared. 

          "Hayley... you don't know what the hell you're talking about, you're a child and you need to shut up." She cut the girl off, getting frustrated that she was even sharing her own personal secrets with everyone else. She could feel the pain rising in her chest, a tight feeling stuck at the bottom of her throat. She didn't believe that.. she did kill him. 

         "You didn't.. kill him!" Hayley tried again, the girl clearly wanting to get her point across. "Okay? He took the drugs himself, you didn't make him take them. He took them himself! You gotta get that, before I left here.. you have to get that. Because if you don't-- you're not gonna make it," Amelia's vision was blurry now, the tears drowning her sad blue eyes. "And I need you to make it. I know you loved him, and I know he loved you. But he took... the drugs... himself."

         Amelia finally broke down, sobs taking over her body. They were loud cries, cries of pain, cries for help. There was pain all over her body, rushing throughout her body like waves crashing against the shore. Burying her head into her hands, pulling her legs onto the chair and pulling them against her chest, trying to make herself feel small because that's how she felt--- small.

         It was cold in the room, and she was numb. Memories were flooding in, Derek, Ryan, Christopher-- her father. The room was cold, almost as cold as the hotel room was when Ryan died. He died-- right beside her. Her boyfriend died right before they were going to get sober, be happy together.. he died. He didn't make it. And no matter how many times she thinks back to that day in rehab when Hayley reminded her that it was not her fault, it was her fault and not a day goes by where she doesn't blame herself. 

         She wasn't crying anymore, she was just sitting in her bed with her legs pressed against her chest, no emotion and no thoughts other than the faces of everyone she has ever lost. The short moments she spent with Christopher, her dad getting shot and Derek holding her so tight that she couldn't move, Owen telling her the news about Derek dying. Link hadn't checked in, he hadn't called, he hadn't texted and she didn't blame him. He was hurt, like he deserved to be and she couldn't be mad at him for not showing up at the house to see her. But she did need him, she needed someone, but her one sister was in a hospital bed with machines breathing for her, and her other sister was with her husband and the kids--- her kid. 

          After she ended up forcing herself out of bed, her mind still loud and her entire body numb, a lump constantly sitting at the bottom of her throat--- she was walking through the front doors of a quiet, dark and small bar. Not many people were there, just a few people eating some food with their friends, some had a beer in front of them. Amelia doesn't know how she got here but she was sitting down at the bar, blue eyes heavy and sad, old makeup from earlier in the day staining her cheeks. 

         "You look like you need a drink," The bartender spoke as he made his way over to her. He was tall, sandy blonde hair with green eyes, he definitely didn't hurt the eyes to look at. "What can I get ya?"

         Her sad eyes slowly glanced up at him and she didn't answer. She didn't know what she was doing-- a drink? She hasn't a drink in a few years, the last time being when Meredith was in the hospital for being attacked. It's been a while and she thought she was doing good-- better. She thought about Link, and Scout, who needed him. Scout needed her, more than he needed anyone. It was almost enough for her to stand up and leave the bar until her mouth opened and she was ordering a drink. "Vodka tonic."

         "Coming right up." The boy winked, moving to the opposite side of the bar to mix her drink. Amelia thought she'd feel some kind of regret, but instead she continued to sit there; numb.

           The glass was placed in front of her and her hands were reaching for it, as she lifted it to her lips and took a sip, the feeling of the Vodka burning her throat. Memories continuing to flood her mind, only causing her to drink back the drink faster, which only caused the bartender to place another drink in front of her. 

-----

             Five drinks; she already drank five drinks and at this point she could feel the alcohol in her bloodstream, already making her feel much more calm and more relaxed. The feeling of being drunk again was a good feeling; scary good. Scary to the point where she was worried about slipping again, which is what she already did. She's at a bar, five drinks in, almost onto her sixth with a young male; attractive male sitting beside her making small talk. She already slipped.

            She had eight missed calls from Maggie, none from her boyfriend. Her state of mind was making her more and more angry, angry that he hasn't checked in. Sober Amelia would be telling herself, it's not his fault, you said nothing to his proposal. Give him space. But drunk Amelia, is angry, pissed, hurt--- angry that he stopped checking in. He told her he'd check in, he promised her he'd check in but instead he went to his best friend, Jo's house and she hasn't heard from him. 

          "Where are you headed to after this?" The green eyed boy was moving closer, his eyes trailing down her body as she sat there, body feeling like she was floating. 

           "Nowhere with you," she answered. "I have a boyfriend." Would Link be still considered her boyfriend even though she never responded to his proposal? 

           "That's unfortunate," he sighed, pulling his drink up to his lips. "Where's your so-called boyfriend?"

           Jo's, is what she wanted to reply but it's not like the boy would know what she was talking about, nor did he even care, he was just wanting her to come home with him. "Just at home." 

           Her phone was buzzing on the table again, and she was already six drinks in. The memories that had previously filled her head were now gone and all she felt was dizzy. Dizzy, numb--- great. She felt great, amazing. Maggie was calling again and she was about to decline the call before she remembered why she might be calling. Scout.

          "Maggie, hey," Amelia answered, trying her best to sound sober. "So sorry, I was asleep." She was hoping that Maggie would believe her, despite her words slurring together.

          "Amelia, where are you actually? I just came by the house to drop the kids off and you're not home and I don't know where Link is, are you with him?" Fuck fuck fuck. She's so stupid, stupid for showing up to a bar knowing damn well that she'd have to take care of 4 kids by the end of the night. She had a debate with herself, debating on whether or not she should tell Maggie the truth or lie.

            "I was asleep, I had to run to the hospital for a consult," she lied. "I'm on way back." Amelia thought the lie was good, even though she was slurring. But Maggie didn't sound too convinced but she agreed that she'd see Amelia at the house before they both hung up the phone. 

            One more drink she told herself before she was dialling a cab so that she could get home safely because even though she slipped she can't be responsible for someone else dying.

-----

           It was late. Almost one in the morning when Amelia walked through the front door, stumbling is the right word to describe it. She assumed Maggie and the kids would be asleep but she was greeted with Maggie, her arms crossed in front of her chest as she stood up from the couch. 

           "It has been a long day," Amelia started, so obvious she was drunk. "My bedroom is calling my name."

           "Amelia," Maggie said, with so much sadness in her voice. Maggie was far from stupid, she was brilliant, a genius, she could see right through Amelia.

           "No questions, just bed." Amelia headed towards the stairs, swinging her bag over her shoulder before Maggie walked up to her, stepping in front of her to stop her from going up the staircase. Maggie made a face, a you smell like vodka face and then she was putting her hands on Amelia's shoulders and pulling her into a hug, a tight hug, so tight that the hug itself almost made Amelia break down into a puddle of tears. A hug is exactly what she needed, especially right now. "I'm sorry..." Were the only words Maggie could form and she just held her. One hand was pressed against the back of Amelia's head while the other was wrapped around her, it never seemed like she was going to let go. 

          Amelia was dizzy, and she was sad and she could barely stand so she used Maggie to hold herself up. "No," Amelia cried out, a single tear dripping off of her soft eyelashes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I did it again. I'm a mess, I did it again." 

          "No, no, no," Maggie said, pulling away from Amelia before brushing a single strand of hair out of her face and pushing it behind her ear. "You're not a mess."

           Amelia just stared at Maggie, her eyes heavy, her blue eyes drowning in a puddle of tears and Maggie could see the pain in her eyes and it made Maggie sad, she cared about Amelia so much. Before the two could exchange any other words, Scout was crying from his crib upstairs.

         "I'll get it," Amelia slurred, dropping her bag to the floor and stumbling backwards as she grabbed onto the railing of the staircase.

          "No," Maggie said sternly. "I'll do it, just go lay down, I'll join you after." Maggie helped Amelia up the stairs because honestly--- she thought she was going to fall down, the girl could barely walk. 

          Amelia was already laying in her bed, the room spinning around her and before she had even a minute to rest, she was running to the bathroom to empty out her stomach into the toilet. Six drinks didn't seem like very many but maybe it is for someone who hadn't had anything to eat because she forgot to and she hasn't had a sip of alcohol in a long time. She was doing so well, dammit.

          She wasn't alone for long because while Amelia was gripping onto the toilet bowl, knuckles turning white her hair was being pulled up and out of the way. Maggie was rubbing her back in a comforting way, trying anything that she could to help the girl.

         After puking, she stayed sat on the floor, sitting with her back against the wall and the room was still spinning. Maggie slid down the wall to sit beside her, pulling Amelia into her side. 

         "You're going to be okay," Maggie said, pulling Amelia closer to her and since the room was spinning so fast, she had to rest her head on Maggie's shoulder because she needed to sleep. "We'll start fresh tomorrow."

         She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths and even though the alcohol made her feel good, she also felt regret and shame. So much shame. She hated herself, she hated that she did this to herself again. 

          She did this to Scout.

          And to Link. And to everyone she cares about.

          Everyone she's ever lost would be so disappointed in her, she knew they would be because that's what she was. Disappointed in herself.

          But maybe she was right, one day at a time and even though she got to this point again, she'll try again tomorrow and hope and pray that she doesn't start spiralling.

          The last image in her head before she started to doze off was Derek and her dad, the most important people in her life. 

[hit-em-with-the-four]

Lifetime of Waiting *Chapter 1*

Anthony Beauvillier and Mathew Barzal X Original Female Character

Soulmate AU (All aspects of the fic are real and in real time except for flashbacks and the aspects of soulmate/aging)

Authors Note: Hey y’all so I’m super nervous about this fic but I know a lot of us are wh*res for these boys and I thought that “hey, why not take a stab at a soulmate fic like this” so I’ve been sitting on this for a while trying to figure out how this goes and have decided how I wish the story to go forward as. So I hope you enjoy and if there’s any feedback or criticism I’d be more than happy to hear as I haven’t written in a bit. Enjoy!

Takes place January 2020 pre covid in New York City, New York, USA

Also I promised @matbarzyy that I would tag them when it came out like a few months ago! Sorry about the delay! I got sidetracked with school and wasn’t happy with the way it was going.

Gif by: samgirard (didn’t want to tag them to have them get notifications but thank you for the gif if you see this 💜)

“Come out with us Tessa, it’ll be fun I promise.” Tessa sighs looking up at her roommates from her case work she was working on for school.

“It’s not like he’s gonna be there or my other one, so what is the point?” She says with no emotion in her voice.

“You’ve got to get out to find them.” Anise exclaims looking exasperated.

“I have this curse on me, you know this! I am alive until I find them and until then I am stuck in my 23 year old body forever! Once I meet them, only then will my body begin to age naturally. Do you understand how long I have been like this? My parents and siblings except for Jonah have been gone for over 100 years” Tessa holds back tears at the thought and mention of her family who she outlived due to a once in a lifetime curse she was born with.

“It’s 2020 babe, anything can happen. You’ve only been searching for them for how long?”
“I was born in 1880.” Anise’s eyes practically bug out of her head.

‘Ooppp.. Well you’ve only been looking for them for 140 years that’s not too bad.” She tries to downplay her own reaction to how old her roommate and best friend was. Anise herself was born in 1925 so she was 95 figuratively speaking but physically, she was stuck in her 25 year old body, plagued with the same curse Tessa has. “I mean Tessa, you have got to be getting close by now right?”

“I’m just convinced they do not exist and I’ll be stuck like this forever.”
“Don’t be so melodramatic girlfriend, they are out there. I promise!”

“I can be as dramatic as I want!” Tessa protests rolling her eyes. Anise glares at her and then looks back at Isabella, another one of their roommates who is just leaning against the island in the kitchen scrolling on her phone.

“We’re not letting you out of this, you have to come with us. Please Tessa, you have to.”
“Fine, let me go and get ready, but you’re buying me some drinks got it?” Anise squeals happily nodding her head.

“Thank you, thank you you’re the best. I promise you’re not going to regret it!”
 When they pull up to the club Tessa has a pit in her stomach, like something is gonna happen but she puts on a brave face and makes her way into the club with her friends. Turns out, her friends had ordered bottle service for the night in a VIP booth.

“You really want me to get drunk tonight don’t you?” Tessa giggles throwing herself down into the booth.

“YES! You need to lighten up and let loose. You’ve been cooped up in that body of yours for so long, it’s time to let loose and live your life! You’re only going to be 23 for so long.”
“Anise, I have been 23 for 117 years. I think I’ve lived enough for all of us!” Anise rolls her eyes at her best friend.

“Relax, you’re going to find your soulmates and you’ll start aging.”
“They better hurry the fuck up.” Isabella pours her friends some shots and shoves them towards them.

“Drink.” Isabella orders both of them before downing her own vodka shot. Anise and Tessa down the shots quickly obeying Isabella before turning back to their conversation.

“They’re probably stubborn like you Tess. Stubborn, feisty and full of life. Maybe they have been waiting for you for a lifetime too.”
“Hopefully, can you pour me another shot. I need to forget about them for a while.” Isabella laughs nodding her head.

“Do not have to tell me twice!” The trio do two more vodka shots before Isabella’s soulmate Ryan shows up.

“We’re going to go dance if you two want to join us.” Anise and Tessa say to the love birds across from them.

“We’re good here, you two go!” Ryan pushes the two girls to go dance. The two girls move to the middle of the dance floor with the sweaty bodies surrounding them. The music playing from the speakers was vibrating through Tessa’s body, amplifying the alcohol that has been consumed by her and Anise.

“Tess, there’s two men over by the bar staring at us.” Anise speaks into Tessa’s ear before making a gesture towards the two men by the bar, each holding a bottle of beer tightly in their hands. While it was dark and hard to see clearly Tessa could make out the two men thanks to the light by the bar. From what she could make out the two men were buff in a nice sort of way. Not the type where it’s so intense but it’s noticeable.

“Should we give them a show?” She asks turning to face Anise.

“We should.” Anise smirks and turns Tessa back around so she can grind into her. Tessa runs her fingers through her hair and down her body in a way that was captivating to others watching her. She closes her eyes and lets herself get lost in the song and how her body is feeling. When she opens them she makes eye contact with one of the men who seems to have a dark and stormy look in his eyes. Like he wanted her in any way he could get her. She shivers but thinks it was due to a breeze and not her desire that slowly crept onto her.

As soon as Anthony Beauvillier and Mathew Barzal entered the club with their teammates they knew something about tonight was going to be different.

“I’m gonna go grab a beer, you want to come with me?” Mat asks.

“Sure let’s go.” The two make their way through sweaty bodies and drunk people to the bar to grab a beer. After they get their beers they are leaning against the bar when they see someone that catches both of their attentions.

“You see that woman over there?” Anthony asks motioning to the woman grinding on another woman without a single care in the world.

“Fuck, you noticed her too?” Mat asks.

“She’s hard not to notice.” Anthony takes a sip of his beer as the girl looks up and makes eye contact with them, specifically Anthony. He smirks and she looks visibly worked up by a single look. Tito’s grip on his beer gets tighter as she licks her lip and turns to the girl she was dancing on. When the woman turns back around both men feel their pants tighten as they watch the show she was putting on.

“Is she driving you as insane as she is me?” Mat asks giving a quick chug of his beer. He turns around and orders another beer.

“Yes, she has been driving me crazy with her dance.”

“I’m gonna go talk to her.” Mat says quickly chugging his second beer.

“Will she be good with both of us coming up to her?” Tito asks worried about her already.

“She should be good.” Mat shrugs. The two men walk over to the girls in the crowd.

“The two men are coming over, want me to dip out?” Anise asks and Tessa nods.

“I’ll be okay, I don’t think they’ll hurt me.”

“If you need me I’ll be over there. Don’t be afraid to pretend you’re friends with other people here.” Tessa giggles and nods shooing her friend away. Mat and Tito stop right in front of her and smile.

“Hey beautiful, if I can call you that?” Anthony asks giving the young woman in front of him a soft smile.

“You may! What are men like you doing here talking to a woman like me?” Tessa asks trying not to continuously check either of the men in front of her.

“Well we just happened to see the little show you put on for us back there.” Mat says coming around to press his chest against her back. Tessa feeling the drinks still coursing through her veins grinds back on Mat and he groans.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She plays innocent biting her lip.

“I think you do.” Tito smiles at her.

“Pfft nah... I’m innocent.” She smiles and Mat puts his hands on her hips. He feels an overwhelming sensation take over and he can tell Tessa feels it to by the way she pushes back into him.

“Soulmate?” He whispers in her ear and she shivers closing her eyes nodding softly.

“Soulmate.” She whispers back and Tito’s eyes bulge out of his head practically. He reaches forward and grabs her hands feeling the same overwhelming feeling Mat felt.

“Fuck, soulmate.” She smiles and nods feeling overwhelmed by what’s going on. She has waited for over a century to find them and now they’re right in front of her. It almost feels like a dream, an amazing dream that she was afraid of waking up from.

“I need to get a drink I’m sorry!” She runs away from the two boys and over to the bar.

“What can I get you beautiful?” The bartender asks.

“Can I get a triple of gin and ginger ale.” She says and he nods going to make her drink. She waits tapping her fingers on the bar running the situation through her head again. She felt different, changed almost in some weird way.

Tito and Mat looked at each other in disbelief as their soulmate ran away from them.

“Why is she running?” Mat asks running his fingers through his hair.

“Couldn’t tell you bud.” Tito shrugs.

“We gotta go after her, we don’t even know her name!” The two men spent the rest of the night looking for the soulmate that got away.

[starlight-writes-stuff]

hello, can i do one of the song request things you wrote about a bit ago? she/her pronouns, with dream, and based on the song 'daisies' by ryan caraveo? also, if you're doing an anon list, can i be 🧿 anon?

welcome 🧿 anon ! i just have to say ,,,,,, this song is immaculate ?? so good ?? will be added to my playlist ?? the concept of this song works perfectly for a fic - i love it so much . thank u for requesting and i really hope u enjoy ((((:

daisies - ryan caraveo

AYO LOOK AT THESE : 2.3k wc , so much fluff ur gonna puke , but nothing other than that . reblogs are always appreciated ! <3

xoxoxo , starlight 

☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁

she earned her grades and i finessed mine

but not so obvious, a c minus is just fine //

she planned for college, i schemed and plotted

---

her friends are pretty, my friends are goonies

but maybe it could all work out like in the movies

---

she like daisies, i'm like gloom

without my rain, she couldn't bloom

she need me, i need her, too

                                                     ☁ ☁ ☁

you and clay (or dream, really. everyone in his life called him that except for you; it was a nickname he couldn't seem to rid himself of) couldn’t have been more different- and yet, the sandy blonde boy had managed to work his way into your head and wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. every time he touched you, whether it was accidental or on purpose, you felt your entire body go up in hot, white flames. your nervous system seemed to light up around him; even the sound of his voice made your heart skip and stutter. when you thought about him, the world didn’t seem so dark anymore. 

when you moved to florida at the beginning of the semester, you’d made yourself a promise: no boys. no hookups, no flings, no situationships. you’d been hurt too many times, and you weren’t in the market to put yourself back out there. and then you met clay.

the two of you were dead opposites. he lovingly described himself as a stereotypical ‘teenage dirtbag’: a lowlife kid who’d struggled through school and had a shitty home life, but has somehow made it into college. he cheated on all his tests and didn’t do assignments; he’d rather skate all his problems away, surrounded by the pack of slobbering boys he called his friends. his idea of a good time was running from the cops. clay was everything that you weren't- carefree, blissfully clueless, and entirely too calm for his own good. 

your whole life you’d been the ‘good girl’: straight laced and perfectly dressed, an academic superstar and all around teachers pet. you came from a happy middle-class home, and your parents kept up with you in a family groupchat. you’d done just the right amount of  extracurriculars to rise above everyone else in your class, but not enough to make you look pretentious, and spent most of your time volunteering. on the off chance that you had an ounce of spare time, you wouldn’t be caught dead at a house party; no, no, you were practicing piano. 

your friendship made no sense, and yet, here you were.

being clay’s friend meant you were never bored. even while he was living through hell at home, he was funny and sweet and brave. he was the first to get you two into trouble and the one to talk you out of it. he was spontaneous and alive and had a good taste in music. once you started to notice the light he got in his eyes as he flew down hills on his skateboard, the way he laughed so hard his voice would dissolve into silence, or the way he would suck on his straw after getting slurpees, you couldn’t stop. then you started to notice every perfect thing about him and it only made it hurt that much worse when he would cry. you started doing anything and everything you could to protect that light in his eyes, to make sure no more tears would ever fall from them.

but you didn’t want to be clay’s friend anymore- you wanted him, in every sense of the word. you wanted all his time and attention and love and affection. you wanted to be that one that made him smile that stupid, crooked smile of his, and make him laugh until he couldn’t breathe. you wanted clay to look at you the way he looked at life- like a challenge, a puzzle that he wouldn’t stop messing with until it was solved. you wanted to call the lanky, troublemaking boy yours, to take him somewhere where he would never hurt again and love him until he wasn’t broken anymore. against all odds you had fallen for clay, hard, and you didn’t know how you were supposed to get up.

little did you know, clay was feeling the same way. 

                                                     ☁ ☁ ☁

it wasn’t odd for clay to just show up at your dorm. it was pretty common, really. he seemed to pop in more and more these days, sometimes with friends, sometimes without. you’d more or less been adopted by the group of boys; as far as you’d been told, they had all been friends since childhood. growing up together, the clan had earned the name ‘feral boys’- one that you didn’t want to know the backstory behind. as far as you knew, they were all loud and slightly aggressive but overall sweethearts, and they’d taken you under their wing once it had become painfully obvious that you had no other friends. again, it was an odd pairing; clay, george, alex, nick, karl and… you. but it worked, to say the least.

clay didn’t have any of the other guys with him this time, barging into your room unannounced. you’d been trying to get him to knock for forever, but none of your protests had stuck. 

“clay!” you exclaimed, throwing a pillow at him. you were sitting in your bed, typing away at a psych paper that had been plaguing you for days. “what if i had been naked?”

he fell onto your bed, shutting your laptop with one of his long arms. “then it would be my lucky day.”

scoffing, you rolled your eyes at him while you prayed that your flushed face wouldn’t betray you. his answer made blood swoosh in your temples, your heart skipping a beat before lapsing into an upbeat sort of rhythm. “yeah, sure- good to see you too. what do you need?”

the blonde boy grinned up at you. “since when do i need a reason to stop by? you like my company,” he boasted. clay wasn’t wrong; you loved every moment that he was around, even the most mundane ones. something about him made you feel more alive.

“are you working on something important?” he asked, his voice taking on an unusual sort of tone.

you lifted a brow at him- clay’s voice very rarely changed from his confident, over easy tone, so when he did, you were going to call him out. “no,” you mused, drawing the vowel out. “why? you seem weird.”

clay’s face morphed and fluctuated before he pulled a tight smile. “you really don't miss anything, do you?”

“nope,” you said brightly, transferring your laptop to the nightstand by your bed. clay was jumpier than usual, shifting his weight and repositioning himself three times before finally sitting up, leaning against your wall. he bumped his knee against yours and the slight, innocent touch sent butterflies out of your stomach, soaring into your chest.  

“clay, what’s wrong?” you asked, your voice taking on an embarrassingly gentle tone. you realized that he could be having issues at home again and your heart sank- that would explain his odd demeanor. your chest flooded with affection for the boy, your heart achingly soft as you grabbed one of his hands. clay quickly turned your palm over in his, playing with your fingers as he spoke.

“i want to talk to you about something.”

you froze for half a second, swallowing hard. your throat was dry as you opened your mouth to speak again.

“okay. what’s going on?”

biting at his bottom lip, clay’s face flushed with blood. his cheeks took on a rosy sort of pink tone, and he pulled his eyes from yours as he let out a long exhale. he allowed his gaze to settle on the ceiling, tracing the pattern of the old popcorn ceiling with his pupils. 

                                                     ☁ ☁ ☁

you secretly loved moments like this- moments where clay was too preoccupied within his own head to realize that you were staring, studying his face. he was the kind of boy you could only describe as pretty, all high cheekbones and bright eyes framed by long, golden-brown lashes. you stayed like this for a moment longer, drinking him in; you’d be thinking of him like this for weeks. every time you got a chance to look at him like this, you added another mental painting of him to your art gallery. in some paintings, he was surrounded by soft orange light, usually sitting on a curb or the lip of a halfpipe. in others, clay was painted on soft blue tones, shadows reinforcing the hollows of his face. 

there was one common thread in all the mental works of him, though: he was never looking back at you. in your mind, clay would only ever see you as a friend- the slightly odd girl that had fallen in with him and his groupies. you truly believed that he only perceived you in small quantities- only ever seeing you when you made a rather good joke or fed him something. the rest of the time- the majority of the time you two spent together- you thought clay seemed so enamored by his own mind, or that he was was too busy doing something else to pay you any attention.

                                                     ☁ ☁ ☁

clay pulled his mouth to one side, face scrunching up before he dropped your hand, letting it fall on the bed.

“i’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately.”

you blinked, then looked back at clay, unsure of what this meant. his whole body seemed to stiffen as you looked over him- he seemed uncomfortable, which never happened. you dropped your gaze to your duvet and busied yourself with tracing over the floral pattern, your mind seemingly exploding with thousands of thoughts per second. you, for the first time in your life, felt strained around clay, and it scared you more than you’d like to quantify.

“oh. what kind of stuff? do you want to… talk about it?”

“yeah. no. not really, but i’m going to make myself do it. this thing- the thing i've been thinking about- if i don't get it out,” he said, stressing the words as if they had some sort of deeper, more intense meaning, “will just… consume me. you know?”

you did, but you weren’t sure if it was in the same way that clay was meaning. “sort of.” clay groaned and tangled his hands in his hair, tugging at the roots before letting his head fall into his palms. he made another frustrated noise then pushed himself up and off of your bed, beginning to pace.

something was glaringly wrong; clay only paced when he couldn’t release in any other way. even so, his pacing was more aggressive than usual, more stomping than stepping. clay was quickly working himself into a hole, and you were watching him spiral. you knew that he would only rile himself up more, past the point of stopping himself now. 

pushing yourself to standing, you grabbed one of clay’s wrists- his skin was hot to the touch and you could feel his heartbeat, strong and erratic, thumping under his skin. 

“clay-” 

his lips were on yours, hot and rough and needy and the slighted bit desperate as he knotted a hand in your hair, the other cupping your jaw. you froze for half a second, shock flooding your system, before kissing clay back even harder. you were entirely overwhelmed and you could feel the sharp spurs of desire cutting through your blood, replacing it with the yearning you’d been suppressing for months. his tongue tangled with yours, quenching the thirst that you’d only been adding to with an ease, and a small whimper escaped your throat. 

clay seemed to realize how hot and heavy things had become in a matter of seconds and pulled away, running a thumb over your lips as he leaned his forehead against yours.

“oh?” he asked, his usual cockiness returning with a force. you weren’t able to form words- much less piece together a whole sentence- so you settled for pressing another kiss to his lips, answering him in the only way you knew how

                                                     ☁ ☁ ☁

the two of you stayed like that for a while, communicating through rough, sugary sweet kisses, hands on hips and chests and necks. after you’d kissed until your lips were sore and you were both out of breath, clay had given you a concerned sort of look.

“was that too much- or too one sided?”

“what? no!”

clay had laughed at the way you’d defended yourself, peppering your face with tender pecks. “so you really do like me, huh?”

“i do. i really do, dream,” you stressed, pressing a kiss to the boys scruffy jaw.

“ew,” he groaned, hitting you with the pillow you’d thrown at him earlier that afternoon. “don’t call me that.”

“why not?”

clay had readjusted, wrapping an arm low around your waist and pulling you to his chest, looking you dead in the eyes. “you’re the only person in my life that calls me clay, you know that? and for some reason, it fits. you and me just… fit. we work. we’re so different that we fit together like a complicated sort of puzzle piece.”

your heart swelled and you looked over clay with pure adoration. “we do seem to work well together.”

“ever since you came into my life, it’s like, i can't function without you. like you’re- you complete me, in a way?”

emotion seemed to drown you, and you pressed another kiss to his lips. “the yin to your yang,” you murmured against his neck, burying  your face in his shirt. 

“i will break up with you if you say that again,” he said, laughing, but you knew it wasn’t true: your story was just beginning.

[anythingandeverything1d]

The right way

“Hey, there you are.” Your friend walked into the room, belly flopping on the couch next to you.

“Here I am.” you smiled. “I didn’t know I was being looked for.”

“Well, it seems you are a very hard person to reach today. I sent you a text, then I called, then I emailed you, and then I sent you a DM on every social media platform.”

“Causal.” you laughed.

Your friend rolled her eyes and smiled. “My point being, you didn't answer any of them. So I figured I would come over to make sure you weren't lying dead in a creek or something. But now that I’m here it seems you are.....kind of okay?”

“Kind of okay?”

“Well I mean judging by the reruns of Dance Moms, extra baggy sweat pants, unbrushed hair, and empty ice cream container, oh and the lack of being on your phone...I’m guessing something is going on.”

You sighed and fell back, your head landing lightly next to hers. “I am feeling like I am in a funk today.”

“What kind of funk?”

“You don’t want to know...”

“Come on (y/n)...you're my best friend. Of course I want to know.”

“I just...I don't know...I had the urge...Immissingharry.” you mumbled covering your face with your hands.

“Say again?” your friend asked sitting up with a concerned face. “I think I heard you wrong...”

You sighed and sat up. “I kind of miss Harry.”

“Why?” she scoffed. “I mean its been what a year?”

“Well actually 11 months and 28 days to be exact.”

“(y/n).”

“I don't know okay? I just woke up feeling that way. Like ever since we broke up my life has been missing something. Missing him. I know he's probably moved on, dating some model, but today I just felt like I really wanted him back.”

“Are you ill or?”

You laughed and fell back with a groan. “I don't get it...Like its been so long. I was doing so well. I had moved on. I mean I’m happy! I just miss him. Its like a light ache in my body that just reaches for him constantly.”

“Okay seriously we need to get you to a doctor.”

“Stoppp.” you groan. “I threw my phone somewhere over there.” You pointed to the opposite side of the room. 

“Why?”

“You don't want to know....”

“Oh my god. You didn’t.”

You covered your face and groaned. Your friend grabbed your hands and tugged them away from your face looking you directly in the eyes. You smiled at her, partly laughing. “I may have....”

“No way.”

“I couldnt help it...It was a moment of weakness and I gave in.”

“You actually texted him.”

“What? No.”

“Oh thank god.” She said relieved.

“I wouldn't do that.” She sat up and smiled.

“Good because-”

“I called him and left a voicemail.”

Her mouth dropped and you shrugged. “(y/n) please tell me you're kidding.”

“I really wish....”

“What did you say to him?!”

“Ughhh trust me it was so bad.”

“Tell me!”

“Just that I was thinking about him and wondering how life was and that I was sorry for bothering him and calling but it just seemed like something I needed to do.”

“Wow. Out of everything you could've said to your ex boyfriend a year later thats what you go with?”

“I didn’t want to make it a problem if he was busy, or dating someone, or if he didn't want to talk to me.”

“So if you already called, why is the phone over there?”

“Because....I don't want to know if he responds.”

“Oh my god! How long ago did you call him!”

“I don't know....I think it was like 5 am...”

“You called your ex boyfriend, HARRY FUCKING STYLES, at 5 fucking o clock in the morning?! (y/n)! I’m actually concerned for your well being. What the hell were you doing up so early?”

“I had a dream...a scary dream.” you mumbled.

“A scary dream? Seriously. About what?”

“Harry. I had a dream that he died...and I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I felt like there wasn't a life left for me to live if he wasn't in it. So I called. I just wanted to see if he was okay....but then of course I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then I regretted the call.”

“You told him about the dream in your message didn't you? Were you like panicking as well.”

“I may have been kind of crying but it was so realistic....I just couldn't get it out of my mind.”

“Girl, you could've called me.”

“I know...I was going to but then I didn't want to know what he said back, if he said anything back at all, so I threw the phone and haven't moved from my couch since.”

“Good lord girl, come on we are going to find your phone and look.”

“No! I cant...”

“Why not?”

“Because.” “Because why?”

“Because what if he didn't respond?”

“Then he's exactly the asshole I told you he was a year ago!”

“11 months and 28 days...not a year.”

“Come on.” She sighed and grabbed your wrist, dragging you off the couch. 

It didn't take long to find your phone. You had thrown it into the bin your blankets were stored in and it had fallen just slightly to the side. Your friend handed it to you face down. “I cant.”

“Yes you can. Just flip it over.”

You took a deep breath and flipped the phone over, the light flashing across your face from the movements. You looked down. “11 texts and 2 missed calls.”

“From Harry? Wow that’s obsessive...”

“No. From you.”

“Oh. Well that sounds like a caring friend...”

You laughed and scrolled past your social media notifications and emails and took another big breath. “1 missed call and 2 texts from Harry.”

“Well...what do the texts say?”

You opened your phone and clicked on the message, reading out loud. “Hey, you seemed a little upset in your message. I wanted to make sure everything was okay...give me a call so I at least know you're okay. H”

“Well?”

“What?”

“Are you going to call him?”

“No.” you crossed your arms, setting your phone in your lap. “No, I’m not going to call him. I shouldn't have called him this morning.”

“(y/n)...”

“It’s fine. I’m over it now.” You stood up, walking to the kitchen for a drink. “There’s no point in messing with that whole thing again.” You took a sip of the water as your doorbell rang.

“Expecting someone?”

“No...well I am expecting a package.” You sat the glass on the counter and walked to the door pulling it open. Your eyes were pointed down looking for a package, but instead all you saw were a pair of very familiar Chelsea boots. You froze, but your eyes managed to drag slowly up the body of the man in the boots. Harry stood there, his hands behind his back. He was in your favorite black skinny jeans and a black Calvin Klein hoodie. His hair was pulled back into a small bun, and his green eyes were anxiously searching yours.

“Uh hey.” he mumbled with a smile.

You were speechless, staring at Harry with a confused look. “Well is it your new bikini- Oh my god. That’s not a bikini....”

“Hi.” Harry said to your friend. 

She grabbed your hand, her arm around your shoulder defensively. “Harry what are you doing here.”

“Uh...(y/n)...she actually called me this morning and uh...yeah I just- I never heard back from her so I figured I would stop by and make sure you know everything uh everything was okay.” You were sill so surprised you couldnt find words. Harry looked at youth a little bit of regret. “uh maybe I should be going now though...”

He turned to walk away but you shook your head. “Wait, uh do you want to come in?”

“What?” Harry said at the same time as your friend.

You shot her a look and turned to Harry speaking up more clearly. “Do you want to come in?”

He smiled and nodded, walking through the door. Harry made his way to the couch, sitting down and making himself comfortable. You sat on the opposite end and your friend sat in the middle. “Wow this hasn’t changed a bit.” he smiled at you.

“Yeah..I haven't had a lot of time for renovations.”

“I like it.” he said. 

“Well this isn’t awkward at all.” your friend mumbled.

Harry shifted uncomfortably and looked at you. “Uh I guess the reason I’m here...this morning when you called, the messaged seemed a little panicked and not okay. I figured you would text me back so when I didn’t hear anything I uh I got a little worried and figured I would stop by and check on you...I hope you don't mind.”

“No...no not at all. I’m sorry for the frantic call this morning.”

“Don’t be..I was kind of happy to see your name on my screen this morning. It uh, it felt normal..”

Your friend gagged but you smiled and nodded. “I called because I had a dream this morning. A dream where you died and well it was so realistic I just couldn’t shake it...I just wanted to make sure you were you know...alive.”

Harry laughed and held up his hands. “Still alive and breathing.”

You laughed and nodded. “I’m glad.”

Harry smiled, the dimples you loved showing on the corner of his mouth. “So uh, how have things been?”

“Not too bad...you know just been working a lot...trying to stay on top of everything. How about you? You went on tour right?”

“Yeah, yeah tour was amazing. It was weird not having you there... but we managed to get by and I think the fans enjoyed it.”

You felt your cheeks heat up and looked down. “I’m sure they did. I mean you could probably forget the words to every song and they would still love you.”

Harry laughed and nodded. “A girl asked me to hit her with my car...”

“What?” you and your friend both asked.

“Yeah she said that I could hit her with my car, maybe even accidentally kill her and she would die the happiest she could've been.”

Your friends mouth dropped open. “I think thats my cue to go...(y/n) don't make me come back over later.. actually answer your phone. Harry..It was...a pleasure as always.”

“Yeah, nice to see you.”

“I’ll call you.” you promised as she walked towards the door.

“You better!” she called, walking outside, leaving you and Harry in the darkening living room.

You looked over at him and he looked at you. “So uh, writing any new music..”

“Yeah, yeah I’ve got some stuff I’m working on but I’m enjoying a little time off actually.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, I know unbelievable but I just felt a little tired. Like I wanted some down time you know?”

“Yeah I cant imagine...you rarely have time off so I’m sure its been nice.”

“Yeah it has...” Harry’s eye locked on the picture sitting on the coffee table. It was of you and your friend. “Uh is this..is this your boyfriend?”

You laughed shaking your head, “No..no that’s Ryan...he uh he’s kind of like my gay best friend.”

“Gay best friend?”

“Yeah...kinda.”

“Why kinda? Is he gay? and is he your best friend?”

“Well yeah.”

“Then there’s no kinda there.” Harry laughed and you smiled. 

“Uh I’m sure your girlfriend has enjoyed you having this time off.”

“Yeah...well I don't actually have a girlfriend but I’m sure if I did she would enjoy it.”

You bit your lip and smiled. “What happened to that one girl..the model?”

“She was always just a friend..I just can’t go for the famous ones anymore.” Harry laughed. “My mum might lose her mind if I bring home another crazy model who won’t eat her cooking because of the calories.”

“Well she should. Your mom has the best cooking I think I’ve ever had.”

Harry smiled. “I remember you ate like the whole pan of brownies that one day and my mum told me you were the one. A real winner in her book.”

You laughed and nodded. “Your mom is kind of the sweetest person ever.”

“I know. I know. She’s amazing.” Harry looked at you thoughtfully. “She misses you ya know?”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, you were her favorite I think.”

“Well she was my favorite too.” You winked and Harry laughed softly. 

“Whatever I won't argue that one. My mum needs the wins.”

You rolled your eyes. “You’re just jealous.”

“Jealous? Am not.”

“Whatever you say.”

“How’s your family doing?”

“They are okay...my dad actually kind of misses you I think.”

“No way...there’s no way he misses me.”

“I think he does. I mean I know my mom does.” You laughed. “She sends me articles on you all the time, saying how proud she is that you are killing it. My dad just misses your dad jokes. He can’t seem to come up with any that match yours.”

“I mean I am superior in the comedy field.” You shake your head smiling and he laughs. “So your mom actually sends you stuff on me?”

“Oh yeah. She will be like ‘look at what Harry did! What a cutie!’”

“And how do you respond?” Harry looked amused.

“I agree with her.” You smile and look away. “You know I’ve always been proud of what you're doing...” 

Harry nodded and bit his lip. He started saying something but you screamed as a bug flew into your face. You jumped up, scaring Harry and tripping over the blanket on the floor at your feet. Harry jumped up laughing and reached a hand down. “Are you okay?”

“No.” You grabbed his hand and stood up. “That bug just assaulted me.”

“I think you assaulted it too.” he laughed. He brushed the hair back from your face and smiled. Your breath caught and he was staring at your lip. Your eyes met his, no one said anything and he leaned in slowly. Your lips lightly touched his. His hands pulled you a little closer, his lips adding weight to the kiss. He pulled his lips away slightly, yours following suit and opening up. He kissed you harder, his tongue slowly pushing its way into your mouth. You tangled your fingers in his hair and his hands dropped down your back to your butt. The kiss was fiery and fierce. It was one that left you breathless and wanting more. Your phone was buzzing and you looked at Harry. He was breathing hard, his hands not leaving your body. You ignored the phone and kissed him softly again, this time your hands slid up his shirt to his chest. You could feel his heart racing, matching yours. “Wait-” Harry stepped back a minute. You looked at him confused and suddenly very embarrassed.

“I’m sor-”

“No. No. Stop.” He stepped in again, pecking a kiss on your nose. “I just want to do this right...”

“What do you mean?”

“I want us to do this the proper way if we are going to do it.”

You sat on the couch, running your fingers through your hair a little confused. “What exactly do you mean...”

“Look. I don't know what you’ve been feeling but ever since our break up I just haven't felt the same. Something has been missing. When I got your call this morning I realized it was you. You are the one thing I just haven't had and that I need. I want more than anything to tear those sweatpants off you and carry you to bed. But if you want this...I want to do it the right way.”

“What’s the right way?”

“I want to take you on a date. I respect you more than just to take you for your body. Don’t get me wrong. I want your body too. But I also know I want more...if you want more. If you don’t want more I mean I’m not opposed to carrying you up to bed right now..”

You sighed and pulled him on the couch next to you. You kissed his cheek and gripped his hand. “When you died in my dream. I realized I didn't want to live either. If you weren't alive I shouldn't be either. I didnt even realize how much I missed you but I do. I miss you so much....”

“Then it’s settled.” You looked at him confused and he grinned. “You and I are going on a date tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I don't want to waste anymore time not being with you...”

You smiled and nodded. “Tomorrow it is.”

Harry stood up and you followed. “Wear something nice.”

“Like how nice?”

“Whatever you feel like.”

“Harry.”

“Youre going to look beautiful in anything. I mean look at these sweatpants...they are what 3 sizes too big and I’m feeling like I want to tear them off you and devour you from the bottom up.” You blushed and Harry pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I’ll pick you up at 7:00.” With that he turned and walked out. You grabbed your phone, seeing multiple texts and missed calls from your friend. 

You fall back into the couch and smile, texting her back. *you will never guess what just happened...*

*what? wait don't tell me. you and Harry had sex.*

*no.*

*shit I really thought thats what it was.*

*he asked me on a date*

*seriously*

*yeah*

*you two dated for like what 2 years and he only asked you on a date*

*well we also kissed*

*I knew it. when's the date*

*tmrrw*

*where's he taking you*

*Idk...just said to dress nice...what the fuck does that mean tho*

*to dress nice*

*thats not helpful*

*I'll help you tmrrw. how do you feel about it*

*excited....I really do miss him*

*I know you do*

--- 

So I got a request about having them break up but get back together...this is what that turned into. There will be a second part though so stayed tuned ;)

let me know what you think so far!

xoxo

[odd-birds-and-booksellers]

Superman

I watch superman fly away, I swear I'll be with you someday. I'll be right here on the ground when you come back down.

WARNING ⚠️ Major character death, I’ve been told I need to put warnings on my stories because all I write is tragic angst sadness and I’m honestly sorry about that.

“I’m gonna get you….” Alex roared, jumping around the counter making his daughter squeal in delight while she clung to Jo’s legs, her face lighting up as Alex came towards her, grabbing her by the waist and spinning her around. The excited giggles from the littlest Karev filled the home, as Alex pressed her against his chest, peppering kisses all over her face.

“Da...Dada...ahhh….sthaaapp.” She shrieks out in between Alex’s kisses, her little arms reaching out to push against his face. “Mama…” She reaches out for Jo to help, her little cheeks going red as she tries to breathe while Alex tickles her sides.

“Did daddy catch you?” Jo grins, amused by the sight in front of her, placing her coffee on the side, she pulls her phone out snapping a picture of the two mid laugh.

“I caught this little girl...and I’m gonna eat her all up.” Alex beams, blowing raspberries against the three years olds belly, making her let out another roar of laughter.

“Mama...help me.” She cries, her little face scrunching up in delight as she smacks Alex’s head excitedly, reaching out for Jo again.

“You can’t eat my baby.” Jo exclaims with fake concern as she grabs the toddler up out of Alex arms, cradling her against her chest as she pokes her tongue out at Alex.

“I am not a baby mama.” Ryan frowns, her little lip jutting out in a pout as she looks up at Jo.

Jo tries to stifle a laugh as Ryan continues to give her a stern look. “Oh sorry...you can't eat my big girl.” She corrects herself rubbing Ryan’s back gently.

“Oh I see how it is...you two gang up on me...enjoy it while it lasts because it’s all changing when this little man gets here.” Alex grins, resting a hand on Jo’s swollen stomach, watching in awe as Ryan leans down in Jo’s grip to place her hand beside his.

“We’ll see,” Jo shrugs smiling softly at the thought of them as a four.

Alex’s phone chimes on the side, breaking their little family moment as he pulls away from his girls.

“Mhmm I gotta get going, I have the surgery at 9.” Alex mumbles, not looking up from his phone as he begins to type away quickly.

“Okay...you're still good to come to the scan with me right?” Jo questions following him down the hallway as he heads to the door, Ryan still attached to her hip.

“Yeah you know it...i'll see you later..I love you...and I love you.” Alex nods, turning around quickly placing a quick chaste kiss against Jo’s lips and one to Ry’s forehead.

“Mhmm love you too….say bye to daddy...bye.” Jo calls, bouncing Ryan on her hip, encouraging the little one to wave goodbye.

-

“Hey…” Hayes rounds the corner, bumping straight into Jo who had been trying to avoid a particular persistent intern while hiding behind the nurses desk. “Where's Alex?”

“He's not with you?” Jo frowns, pulling her phone out her lab coat, Alex should’ve been here hours ago, she had assumed he was still in surgery because she hadn’t heard from him since he’d left this morning.

“No...and he never showed up for our kidney transplant...I had to rely on the interns, he's lucky the kid is still alive.” Hayes grumbles, grabbing a tablet from the nurse desk as he begins to flick through patients notes.

Jo’s eyebrows crease, Alex should’ve been here. “He’s not here?” she mutters, lifting her phone to her ear.

“You’ve reached Alex Karev, leave a message.”

“Alex where are you? Call me back please.”

Suddenly a flurry of pages go off, but Jo’s still focused on Alex as she hits the call button again.

“Hey building collapse on the west side, we got at least 20 severe injuries coming in, it's all hands on deck…” Meredith appears, jogging towards the elevator as she looks back at Jo expectantly, Hayes already by her side.

“You’ve reached Alex Karev, leave a message.”

“Jo did you hear me?” She calls, tapping her foot impatiently as she waits for Jo to look up.

“I can't get hold of Alex.” Jo mutters confused.

“Well he’s probably around here somewhere, he most likely put his phone down and lost it...now move come on.” Meredith waves off her concern, holding the elevator door open, gesturing for Jo to hurry up and get in.

-

“Jo…”

The E.R is packed, Bailey as always has insisted they’ll take as many as possible even if it means they’re running at over capacity. More and more people are coming in with every passing second leaving all the doctors to scramble to cope.

“Jo.” Looking up, Jo notes one of the firefighters from station 19, Victoria she thinks is her name. She was sitting on a bed next to Jo’s patient, an oxygen mask around her face that she pulled down to speak while her arm was wrapped tightly in makeshift sling.

“What’s up I’m kinda busy here..” Jo’s sighs, gesturing toward the elderly man on her bed, he’s got several crush injuries and punctured lung, she didn’t have time for chit chat.

“Jo..I’m so sorry.”

-

“What do you mean he's stuck?” Jo mumbles, now sat in Bailey's office who was coordinating with the chief on the scene to see what was going on, she can’t seem to quite comprehend what was being said, nothing was making sense.

“He’s wedged under one of the steel beams, look I’ve been informed that they’re doing everything they can to get him out but right now there's structural instability and they haven’t cleared the build-” Bailey’s words start to fade out and all Jo can hear is her pounding heartbeat as she processes it all.

On instinct her hand wraps around her other arm, pinching tightly at the skin, a painful reminder this isn’t a dream. “He’s alive?” she whispers looking between Bailey and Meredith.

Nodding Bailey, sits down beside her taking Jo’s hand in her own as she begins to speak again. “He has some severe wounds and he is losing blood fast, now they have been able to get some medical supplies down to him but his injuries...Jo I’ve been told they’re extreme.”

“I don’t...I don’t understand.” Jo whispers, still looking off in daze as she pulls her hand from Bailey’s grip.

Meredith is leaning against the cupboard, her eyes watering as she gives Jo a sympathetic smile. “Jo…”

“No…” Jo shakes her head, this can’t be happening. “I...it can't be Alex, it's not Alex okay? He...he was going to work, he had no need to be there.” Jo tries desperately to convince the two women in front of her that this wasn’t Alex, that this wasn’t happening.

“It is Jo...Ben is there right now and we can patch the line through so you can talk to him.”

-

“Hello” His voice is hoarse as it comes through the line, making Jo’s breath hitch, he’s alive, that's something to hold on to.

“Alex?” Jo tries to stop her voice from shaking as she leans against the window in Bailey’s office.

“Hey you…”

“Alex...what the hell is going on? Why are you at some god forbidden building on the other side of town?”

“Do you remember Tommy Wilkins, my patient from a few weeks back...he had a broken femur.”

Jo mumbles something incoherent, still confused on what this meant, how it offered any explanation to why Alex wasn’t here now.

“Yeah well his mom she has schizophrenia too...I’ve been meeting with them...just to try and help..”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Jo cuts him off, shocked her husband had been keeping this secret from her.

“It's not exactly ethical is it?”

“I'm your wife.” Jo snaps, ethical or not he should’ve told her, she would’ve understood.

“I know...I don't wanna fight Jo.” Alex mumbles, and the sadness in his voice scares Jo, because she’s only heard him sound like that few times, once when he was sorry about calling her trash, another time when he was scared about her depression and lastly when he was scared about becoming a father.

“You don’t wanna fight? I’m gonna kill you when you get home Alex Karev.”

“I’m not sure I’m coming home Jo.”

“Don't say that,” Jo grumbles, her hand pinching tightly at her skin enough to make herself bleed, this can’t be real.

She hears him grunt in pain through the line as he takes a deep breath.

“I can't feel my leg, I have a catastrophic bleed on my right side and I think i'm going into shock,” He admits, listing off his injuries as if he was any other case at work.

“It'll be okay, they're working on getting you out.” Jo’s lip trembles as she tries to keep her voice upbeat and positive.

“Jo...”

“No-” she cries, a flood of tears gushing down her cheeks, her hand shaking as she presses the phone closer to her ear.

“Jo please…”

“I don't wanna hear it Alex.”

“Jo I’m a doctor I know the signs, I know I don't have much time,”

Jo shakes her head fervently, ignoring the sting of tears as she goes over his injuries in her head, people have come back from worse, he’ll be fine. This is Alex, he’ll be okay he is always okay. “You’re wrong, Warrens there, and ambulances are on standby and were on standby here and it’s all gonna be fine…”

“Jo…” He tries to cut her off, desperate to have her hear him.

“No you listen to me, we haven't survived everything we have to end like this.”

“I know…”

“We perform miracles everyday...everyday. Please Alex just hold on,”

“Okay” Alex nods even though she can’t see it, even now he knows better than to argue with his wife. “Is Ry up at the daycare?”

“Yeh…” Jo mumbles, turning as she hears the door open, Schmidt appearing with a coffee in hand and a sympathetic smile on his face that makes Jo’s tummy turn.

“Can you go get her?..Please”

He sounds like he’s begging and Jo can’t really bring herself to say no...she wants to tell him he will see her when he gets here, give him something to fight for, but she knows he already knows what he’s fighting for and she can’t deny him, nodding towards Levi she asks if he could go.

“Levi’s gone to get her.” Jo whispers, pinching painfully again at her arm. “It's gonna be okay Alex..”

A couple of minutes later Levi appears with Ryan on his hip, her hair has already fallen out of the messy pigtails Jo had put them in this morning and she had smeared paint down her top but her face lit up at the sight of Jo instantly reaching out for her. “Mama”

“Hey...Ry..come here baby girl” Jo mumbles, settling her on her lap, listening out for any changes in Alex’s steady breathing on the phone. “Daddy is on the phone for you, say hi…” She whispers to the little girl as she places the phone on speaker.

“Hiiiii” Ryan beams, excitedly tapping at the photo of Alex on Jo’s phone.

“Hi Shrimp” Alex croaks, doing his best to keep his voice in check but Jo can already tell he’s crying.

“Hiii dada...I did painting” Ryan exclaims, twisting around in Jo’s lap holding her top out for Jo and showing Jo her messy little hands, Jo laughs softly nodding at Ryan as she wipes away the stray tears following down her face.

“You did painting? That sounds fun” Alex chuckles quietly.

“Daddy loves you.”

Jo tries to stop herself from sobbing, turning away from Ryan she clamps her hand over her mouth as she catches Link’s eye in the doorway.

“Daddy loves you so much okay….more than anything in this whole world.” Alex’s voice cracking at the last part.

“Say I love you daddy,” Jo whispers, bouncing her slightly as she encourages her to talk.

“Mama sad?” Ignoring Jo, Ryan reaches up cupping Jo’s face softly, her little hands slipping away, her tears completely obvious to what was going on.

“Nooo baby i'm okay...talk to daddy.”

“Love you dada”

“Love you baby girl okay?”

“Okay daddy”

“You be a good girl now...look after mumma and the baby.” At that moment gut-wrenching sobs tore through Jo, she couldn’t keep them to herself anymore as she listened to him say a last goodbye to their daughter who was blissfully unaware of the trauma that would plague her life.

Link opens the door, as Ryan squirms in Jo’s arms confused by her mother's tears as he scoops her up into his arms. “Hey muckin you wanna come play with uncle Link?..come play with uncle Link.” He nods towards Jo, squeezing her shoulder gently as if it offered any comfort to her.

“Jo...Jo say something” Alex whispers as he hears the door click shut, his wife’s steady sobs coming down the phone piercing his heart with every cry.

“We have a baby on the way,” Jo chokes, desperately trying to control her breathing enough to talk.

“Yeah we do…”

“A little boy.” Clutching at her stomach she feels the little flutters of their baby boys movements below her palm, she can’t accept that he’ll never be held by his father she just can’t. “And we have a daughter and a house and you promised...you promised until we were old and grey.”

Alex doesn’t say anything, Jo can just about hear his ragged breaths through the phone as she goes through everything they had promised.

“Who’s gonna teach them to ride bikes? and who’s gonna walk Ryan down the aisle? We’re meant to tell the story about how we missed our wedding at theirs and who’s gonna film their graduation and…”

“You’re gonna have to do that for me baby.” Alex interupts her.

“Please don't leave me…” sliding down the wall Jo clutches at her chest, it felt like someone was reaching in and physically pulling her heart out, streaks of tears flowing faster then her heartbeat.

Squeezing his eyes shut Alex, takes a shaky breath, trying to stop his voice from giving away how much pain he was in.“I don't think I have a choice here...if I did I’d be coming right back home to you.”

“I can't do this without you,”

Alex’s mouth curved into a smile, how his wife could believe she needed anyone in this life was beyond him.

“Yes you can...you're a survivor, there isn't anything you can't do...” He whispers an involuntary moan escaping his lips.

Jo feels like the air is being sucked from her lungs as she clings to the phone like it’s her only lifeline, her breaths coming quick and fast.

“You, Josephine Karev are the bravest and strongest person I know and I'm the luckiest man to be married to you.” Alex whispers, he’s not one for soppy declarations of love but right now in this moment he regrets every second spent with Jo where he didn’t tell her how much he loved her, how she was his greatest achievement and now it’s too late.

“Okay they have to start drilling now, the lines gonna be cut when they do it so…” Jo hears another voice shout out in the background, her throat tightening at the thought of the call ending.

“Jo...listen to me okay because I think when they move me...I’m not sure I’m gonna make it to the hospital okay?” Alex mumbles unable to hold back the fear in his voice, his chin trembling as the hot tears flow down his face, squeezing his eyes shut he tried to remember the last time he saw them standing in the doorway waving him off, Ryan’s messy bed hair sticking out in all directions, Jo with her stupid eye patches that he’d joked were so sexy first thing in the morning, one hand clutched round her bump the other holding Ryan.

“Don't say that..” Jo whispers.

Alex ignores her letting out another shaky breath mustering all the strength in him to get through this. “I love you Jo...you are the single best thing to ever happen to me you know that right?” He waits a beat hoping she’ll answer, hoping she knows already how much he loved her, how she changed his world and how he could never be without her. “I love you,”

Jo sniffles, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I'm gonna be waiting okay?...I’m waiting here at the hospital for you...so you just have to fight, you have to fight and hold on because I’m waiting for you.” She whimpers, unable to stop the tears from falling.

She hears Alex's sharp intake of breath on the other line as someone calls out again that line is about to be cut. “I love you Jo...always.”

“I love you Alex...I love you so much and I….”

“I know baby,”

“I need more time I...I”

Jo’s body wracked with tears as line went dead, still clutching the phone to her ear as she leans against the wall.

-

“Warren?” Jo looks up as Meredith calls out to Ben who appears in the doorway, a somber look on his face as he notes the group of doctors waiting in Bailey's office, they’re Alex’s family...everyone here is his family.

“Where is he?” Jo whispers, pushing up out the chair ignoring the way Link tries to touch her shoulder shrugging him away.

Ben looks uneasy as he comes to stop in front of Jo taking a deep breath before he speaks, “He had a torn artery...when he was moved the metal bar that had blocked the bleeding shifted and we couldn't control the bleeding...it was very quick.”

“No…”

“I’m so sorry Jo but despite are best efforts-”

Jo cuts him off, shoving his chest lightly, Link’s hand wrapping around her arm to pull her back trying to pull her into a hug as she fights him off, turning back to Ben. “I've given that speech...I’ve done it. I’ve told the wife who is anxiously waiting that despite our best efforts we weren’t able to save her husband so that better not be what you're about to say,” she screams, unable to control the fresh set of tears streaming down her face.

He’s not coming home.

I’m not sure what to say to be honest, I don’t know I wrote this I only hurt myself but you know how eveyone said Alex should die rather then be with Izzie well I killed him so now eveyone can know.

Thanks for reading I am a day behind #tsxjolexweek but you check out @doc-pickles and @angry-slytherin because they’ve done it and done it well.

My last Taylor Swift fic is coming tomorrow because I’m no quitter.

[crimsonbluemoon]

celebrity!au, childhood friends, “sometimes, i sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different.” - ohmtoonz

Last one for the night, and I went overboard…again. >.>

AU: CelebrityTrope: Childhood friendsPrompt: “sometimes, i sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different.”

Pairing: Ohmtoonz 

“He really went and got famous on us, huh?” Ryan blinked away from the television he was sitting in front of, his attention floating to his mother’s face. He hadn’t been able to see her much when he went to college four years ago, since he’d ended up on the other side of the country for school. Coming home and spending the winter break with her for the first time had been something he looked forward to since November. Now, it was Christmas Eve, the night before his favorite holiday of the year. A comforting aura hung in the falling snow outside his childhood home’s window. He could smell the dinner cooking in the kitchen, bringing back fond memories of his childhood. The worn blanket from years ago still kept his frame warm, and he took another slow sip from his hot chocolate to avoid answering the question his mother had asked.

Because, as much as he wanted to believe everything was perfect, he knew one thing was still missing. 

“He said he would,” he finally mumbled, not needing to look back to the TV to know who was on it. The highlights of the Hollywood films awards from the previous week were playing, with a stunning young man sweeping several categories for the win. It was strange to see the bearded face, once chubby with baby fat and smeared with blue popsicle, holding the trophies that looked identical to the ones they’d cut out from cardboard or construction paper. 

“Luke was always a handsome boy, wasn’t he?” His mother’s knowing tone made his cheeks rise in color that he couldn’t blame on the wood stove beside him. 

“Momma,” Ryan whispered, hating the quiver in his voice. She hummed when she stepped closer to the couch, her soft hand gently patting his head. 

“I remember how he used to follow you around like a little puppy whenever you got mad at him for something reckless he did.” The memories felt like they’d happened just yesterday, despite the decade that had passed. “He’d jump his bike on a dare, or he’d sneak into some abandoned house to win some money. Used to tell you that part of the fun was seeing your face turn bright red after finding out what he did. Sure did like pulling on your tail to get your attention, didn’t he?” 

“Toonzy never let me do anything dangerous.” His shoulders fell from his flushed cheeks when she pet his hair, her motherly presence pulling down the walls he’d forced up years ago. 

“Because he didn’t know how to handle you getting hurt. Remember what happened when that kid pushed you out of that treehouse and broke your arm in the seventh grade?” He didn’t know why she was dragging him down memory lane, knowing the road was paved with pain and heartbreak. She’d been by his side as he cried, sat on the phone with him each time he ended a relationship that ‘didn’t feel the same’, and never once pushed the boundaries he set up around his childhood friend’s memories. But now, in the low light of the fireplace in the living room he’d last seen Luke in person four years ago, she did. 

“He beat the snot out of him,” Ryan answered, his smile tinged with sadness even when hearing his mother’s soft laugh.

“He was still scrawny back then, but seeing you hurt gave him more strength than superman. I think that was why he started getting in shape; to make sure nobody ever pushed you around again. And now look at him; the first gay actor to win best leading role in an action movie. He didn’t hide it one bit; wore his pride like a suit of armor. His momma should be proud, she raised him right.” 

“You had a part in that, too,” Ryan replied, remembering Luke’s acceptance speech. He hadn’t forgotten where he came from, and hearing him thank both his own and Ryan’s mother for their support had warmed his soul behind his thick walls.

“Pretty sure I wasn’t the only one mentioned from this family.” The comment was soft, like she was speaking to a skittish animal ready to bolt away. Instead, Ryan buried further into his blanket, hoping the red of the threads would conceal his blotchy skin. 

“He could have meant anyone, really it-”

“I know I didn’t raise a fool, so don’t act like one. We both heard that nickname.” Ryan’s mother pinched his cheek before pulling away. Her words floated in the air when she walked out of the room. “Don’t think he would call anyone else that.” 

After a heartbeat of silence filled the living room, Ryan closed his eyes, hiding the tears that sprouted up from the truth. His traitorous mind didn’t give him reprieve, replaying the words from the awards he’d watched days ago.

“This award means so much to me, and I have so many people to thank.  First is my momma, of course, who somehow kept me alive through my crazy years to be here. And when my momma was too tired to handle my wild ass, she sent me to momma wrecker’s house for some tough love. I owe that woman so much more than words can say. My friends, my agent, the supportive cast and crew for this movie. Of course my fans, who can’t seem to understand that it’s them who make all of this possible for me. I hope you all know how important you are. 

“But there’s one person who…I haven’t gotten to see for a while. And damn, that’s been something I’ve regretted since the moment I walked out of his living room four years ago. You know, I wouldn’t trade my life for the world. I had a dream, I worked hard to obtain it, and now I’m staring at an award I always wanted with my name on it. I’m giving every kid who was told they couldn’t be something proof that they can change their own fate whenever they want. But sometimes…I sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different. If I hadn’t walked out on him like that, if I’d picked my other dream over this one. The one where I get to tell him this to his face. 

“I love you, Ohm. This award, and every one I win after it, will always be for you. Thank you.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Toonzy?” Ryan whispered, hating the hitch in his voice from the unshed emotion. He pulled his knees to his chest, read to bury his face in them, when a voice from behind him paused his movements.

“Because I’m a coward.” For a moment, Ryan’s body froze on the couch, unsure if he’d somehow fallen asleep by the fire. But he knew that wasn’t possible; even in his dreams, he’d never let Luke call himself that. Frantic to see the truth, Ryan pushed out of his blankets, turning quickly to face the figure illuminated by the kitchen light behind him. With his hands shoved in his pockets, Luke looked sheepish, his shoulders hunched forward and grin lacking its normal confidence. “Hey.” 

“Luke…” The breathless tone he used didn’t phase him, knees bumping into the couch from his nervous movements. “What-what are you doing here?” 

“I always come back to town for Christmas Eve dinner; it’s in my contract. Your momma’s orders; I haven’t missed a single one since I was seven, after all.” 

“When you were sick with pneumonia.” It was such a stupid thing to remember, but Ryan could almost taste the feeling of loniless on his lips when thinking back to the empty seat by his side that Christmas Eve. 

“You saved me mashed potatoes cause they were my favorite. When my momma wouldn’t let you come in, you pushed them through the mailslot of my door.” Heat flushed his face at the recollection, his hands waving in the air to disperse the memory. 

“Th-that was just cause I was little. I didn’t-how was I supposed to know the tupperware would burst open when it hit the floor?” 

“Because you were always smarter than me, Ohm.” The nickname suddenly shifted the air, and the moment of light fun burnt up quicker than the logs beside Ryan. Hearing it again reminded him of the speech, his hands slow to drop to his sides and fall limp. Luke seemed to pick up on the change, his movements slow when coming around the couch. “It’s really nice to see you. I’ve been…waiting a long time for this moment.”

“You come back every year,” Ryan deflected, eyes shifting away while he took a step back. His arms crossed over his chest protectively, to shield him from Luke’s approaching body or the surge of emotions that were quickly overwhelming him at seeing his childhood lov-friend up close again. “You come back and see your momma, my momma, our old friends, and probably the whole town. Not to see-none of them told me you came back. Did you tell them to stay quiet?”

“I did.” Luke spoke like he had no shame in his sneaky ways.

“Why?” Ryan flinched when a warm hand touched his face. 

“Did you see my speech?” 

“I…did.” He knew he couldn’t lie when his cheek warmed under the smooth palm still holding it. 

“All the way until the end?”

“Yes.”

“Then you should know why I couldn’t face you yet.” The words finally broke Ryan’s resolve, and he looked up to the face that didn’t feel out of place mere inches from his. “I made a choice when we were eighteen to become an actor. You were going away to college, and I knew there was no way we’d be able to stay in touch with our lives going in different directions. I left this town, walked away from you, went after my dream, and got it. It was what I always wanted most, or…or I thought so. But I had that award in my hand last week, the one I’d always believed I needed to feel complete, and do you know the first thing that popped into my head?” 

“I don’t,” Ryan whispered, wondering if he was more foolish than his mother gave him credit for. 

“All I could think was ‘I’d give this stupid piece of metal away in a heartbeat to see Ryan’.” There was raw honesty in Luke’s voice when he peered down at Ryan, his thumb slow to roll under the lashed that had started to collect the unshed tears in Ryan’s eyes. “Ohm, I’ve loved you since the first time you called me an idiot for stealing old man Nanner’s flamingo lawn decoration when we were six. I didn’t know it was love until I realized how scared I was seeing you fall out of that treehouse. But two nights ago? That was the first time I’d ever admitted it to anyone out loud.”

“So you choose the whole world to tell?” Ryan asked, sobbing through a laugh when Luke grinned and shrugged.

“Didn’t really care about the whole world hearing it; just you.” He rubbed the tears away quickly, though Ryan knew a second set would quickly take their place. “And now, I’m here to see if there’s a chance you’ll make my second dream come true. Because this life? Being who I am, the fame and all the other stuff? It’s pointless if you’re not going to be there with me. None of this matters if I can’t kiss you for good luck or gratitude when winning another award. If I can’t just kiss you to show you I love you. I made it to the top to make sure that I was the man I needed to be when I told you this; Ryan, I am and always will be in love with you. Will you give me a chance to prove how much?” 

“You’re…You’re such an idiot, so impulsive and stupid and why did I fall in love with someone so reckless-” Ryan’s hands grabbed at Luke’s jacket desperately while he ranted over Luke’s laugh, yanking him forward to kiss him. His arms quickly wrapped around Luke’s neck, feeling his waist be yanked forward before hot lips pressed harder against his. They still needed to talk, to heal the wounds left on his soul during the years of silence between them. He needed to learn Luke again, like re-tuning a guitar left in the attic for years untouched. The damage was apparent, but not irreparable. 

Maybe this time, they could find a dream together.   

[gallifreyan-writer]

Doctor Who x Reader - A Not So Lost Love

Authors Note: It may or may not be 5 in the morning but that’s when I do my best writing. I have been on the internet for hours trying to find a way to watch episode 9 of Doctor Who and at the same time not see any spoilers and I didn’t want to wait 14 hours for it to be available to stream on BBC America’s website but looks like I’m gonna have to... fuck. Thank you to @lostshadow12 for the amazing request! Anyways I hope you enjoy!

Request: Can u please do 13th doctor x fem timelady reader x(older brother) Dhawan Master where 13th doctor meets the reader again after many years of thinking she was dead and she realises that she still have a crush on reader(just like all her previous incarnations)and The Master not being so amused when the doc flirts with his little sis(cue annoying yet lovable overprotective brother)but he tolerates her just because he sees how happy reader is with the Doctor and allowing her to go of with the Doc but only if reader promise him to visit him and never forget him.

Warning(s): Angst, fluff

Pairing(s): 13th Doctor x reader, Dhawan!Master x Sister!Reader

“Doctor!” A voice that the Doctor knew and loved echoed followed by the mechanical voice, “you will be upgraded.”

“(Y/n)!” The Doctor yelled as he appeared at the end of the hallway. He stood frozen with shock and his eyes widened. There at the of the corridor he saw her as cold, metal fingers gripped her tightly. He could see the fear in her eyes as a single tear ran down her cheek, but through everything, she stood strong.

“Get out of here!” Her voice ripped through her voice caring to the Doctors ears, at this point, his eyes were filling with tears as well.

“I’m not leaving you!” He replied but knew that it was useless, her mind was made up.

“I’ve got this, but you have to get out, this place is going to blow and the world needs you, the universe needs you.”

“Just as much as it needs you. I need you.” His voice cracked at the end.

“I will always be with you. Now go!” She was dragged away with the metalic “Delete, delete.” The Doctor was frozen for a few seconds until he turned away and ran in the other direction not turning around to see her, to see the women he loved. The women that he spent the days with under the twin suns on Gallifrey, on the orange grass. He had lost her once during the time war, but she somehow was able to find herself back to him, against all odds. He knew that this would be the last time that they would see each other, there were no more miracles. If he were to turn and look at her, in that moment he knew that he would stop in his tracks, turn around and risk not only his life but hers and everyone else’s. All that the Doctor could do at this time, was pray that she would beat all odds, but he knew that he was asking too much from the universe, even if he saved it a few thousand times.

As the Doctor finally made it out, within seconds the building that he had escaped, burst into a fiery explosion. There was no way that (Y/n) would’ve made it out alive. He sunk to his knees looking up as the flames felt hotter and hotter against his skin but he didn’t move, he simply looked down on the silver engagement band on his finger. Any pain that the fire could’ve caused couldn’t compare to the pain in his hearts. He had lost his everything that day.

That was a thousand years ago and time has not healed the wounds that still lay deep within. The Doctor never lost hope of finding (Y/n) again but with the years coming and going, it seemed to slowly fade away. The Doctor had few regrets in her life but there was one that stuck with her, she never told (Y/n) how she felt about her, how she truly and deeply loved her. She looked up slightly at the photo of (Y/n) that was sitting on the council. She didn’t always keep it out though as it reminded her of what she lost but she liked looking at it every once in a while. (Y/n)’s soft smile could get the Doctor through anything it seemed, no matter how terrible the time.

“Who is that, Doc?” Graham asked from behind her, Ryan and Yaz standing by his sides.

“What? Oh, no one.” The Doctor quickly replied, putting the photograph out of sight from the others.

“Well obviously she’s someone.” Ryan spoke up.

“Ryan.” Yaz said in a hushed tone as she smacked him on the arm as hard as she could without leaving a mark.

“I just meant that she was obviously someone special to the Doctor, that’s all.” Ryan said, trying to defend himself.

“She was.” The Doctor spoke up, turning to face all three of them, her voice wasn’t as strong as it normally was, she was hurting. “She was brilliant, we grew up together, traveled all of time and space together, and then lost each other once. But, we found one another and started traveling again.” She gave a small smile, thinking back on all the good times.

“That sounds wonderful, what happened?” Yaz asked, trying to sound as comforting as possible but wanting answers.

“She’s gone.” The Doctor said simply looking down at the ground not wanting to see the pity in the eyes of her companions, her smile gone. She didn’t want them to feel bad for her, that was the last thing she wanted.

Some time passed and everything went back to the normal shenanigans, that was until their fun came to a quick halt as the dinner party that they were attending in a Victorian castle during the 10th century became over ran with cybermen.

“What are those things?” Ryan asked as all the dinner guests ran in different directions.

“Cybermen, I’ve had a few run ins with them.” The Doctor said frantically looking every which way.

“So you know how to stop these things?” Yaz asked. The four of them were all hiding behind a table that way knocked over in all of the caos.

“Yes, but we need to get the three of you out of here and into the TARDIS.” The doctor said standing up motioning them to follow her.

“We’re not leaving you Doc, we can help fight.” Graham spoke up.

“There won’t be much of a fight.” The Doctor tried to stay calm, she’s always felt on end whenever she runs into the cybermen, ever since that day. Whenever she sees them, she is haunted by that memory, the memory that plagues her dreams to this day.

“Well there must be something that we can do.” Yaz said as they all followed the Doctor back to the TARDIS.

“There is, stay in the TARDIS.”

“But,” Ryan tried to speak but was quickly interrupted by the Doctor.

“But nothing, I have lost too many to those things. I refuse to lose anyone else.” She spun around to face them before stepping into the TARDIS, everyone else following suit.

“That’s how you lost her wasn’t it, the girl in the photo?” Yaz asked, sorrow in her eyes. The Doctor just looked down, it answered Yaz’s question simply enough.

“She was taken and I couldn’t save her, instead she saved me. I was there when the cybermen took her and there was nothing that I could do. I was useless and now she’s gone.” Tears started filling her eyes as frustration entered her blood stream. “I’m going, and you’re staying here.” With that the Doctor fled out of the TARDIS and used her sonic to lock the doors from the outside so that they couldn’t get out, she knew that it was risky but it was the only way to keep them safe.

The hallways were starting to get harder and harder to navigate through all the twists and turns of this seemingly never ending castle, cybermen were littered everywhere. After some time she came up with a plan but that plan came to a screeching halt when the Doctor came face to face with multiple cybermen when she turned a corner. She tried to turn and run in the opposite direction but her path was blocked by more coming in and surrounding her. Her ears were filled with horrible sounds of metal clanking against the marble floors with their screams of “delete” that have haunted her for so many years. She held them off as much as she could with her handy sonic screwdriver until it short circuited.

“Stay away from her!” A voice that she never thought that she would hear again filled her ears and echoed down the corridor. The next thing she knows the heads of the cybermen around her start exploding one after the other in a beam of blue light. When all was said and done, the Doctor looked up from the chaos and saw her face, the face she had longed to see in person for longer than anyone could imagine.

“(Y/n)?” The Doctor asked not believing her eyes, tears quickly filling them.

“Doctor.” (Y/n) said letting out a sigh of relief seeing her. She ran up to her and wrapped her arms tightly around her. She then took a slight step back and continued, “you’re a woman, I like it.” She said with a laugh, the Doctor laughed too.

“I don’t understand, the cybermen, I thought that you were dead, I thought I lost you.” The Doctor’s hand came up to (Y/n)’s face.

“I told you that I would always be with you.” She placed her hand on top of the Doctors, kissing the inside of her palm.

“You don’t think that I would let my little sister die, would you?” Behind (Y/n) stood the master. “Believe it or not but I care deeply about my family, so I put a failsafe in the motherboard all the way back to the first cyberman. Pretty much when they scan the DNA and if it matches close enough the entire system will shut down.”

“Wow, how generous of you.” The Doctor said sarcastically.

“You have to get out, I will be fine, I just need to know that you’re safe.” (Y/n) said directing all of her attention to the Doctor.

“No, I’m not leaving you.”

“I will be fine, go to the TARDIS, everything will be fine.”

“No, I can’t do that!” The Doctor’s tone shifted slightly and raised to almost a shout as the two started arguing back and forth.

“And why not?!”

“Because I love you and I can’t lose you again!” The Doctor finally said. “I went on for so long thinking that you were dead and that I would never be able to tell you how I felt and losing you was the worst pain imaginable.”

(Y/n) didn’t know what to say, her mouth just hung open as she processed everything. Suddenly she just grabbed the Doctor’s face and kissed her. During this exchange, the Master stood next to them awkwardly not knowing what to do.

“Okay that’s enough.” He finally said breaking the two of them up, big brother mode kicking in. “Just go, both of you, I know how to stop this once and for all.”

“What do you mean?” (Y/n) asked, not knowing what her older brother was saying.

“I’m saying that you two belong together, I mean you keep an old photo of her, well him, in your pocket at all times. Just promise you’ll come visit me.” He gave the pair a soft smile.

“Of course, I mean where would I be without you.” (Y/n) walked up to him and gave him a small hug before turning away and running off with the Doctor.

The two quickly got to the TARDIS before turning to one another.

“You ready to travel all of time and space?” The Doctor asked.

“Of course.” (Y/n) replied, grinning ear to ear.

“Brilliant, there’s some people I would like you to meet first.”

“Allons-y.”

[allieallie]

Lovely Life by allieallie

 A breeze of cold air puffed across a young woman standing on a balcony holding letter tightly she read:

Dearest Lovely, 

I am sorry to leave you this fine day, I am sorry I haven't told you about my condition earlier. I didn't want to see your sad face every time we saw each other. All I wanted was to live the rest of my days with you.

 I remember the day we first went up on stage together with our first-ever song. I played the guitar and you were singing, with the most angel-like voice, that is when I fell head over heels for you. Every time you called my name, I had a desire to hold you close and never let go. 

 All the memories we made, please cherish them. I shall say my last goodbye, 

Please let the other bandmates know I said goodbye.

With lots of love,

Ryan.

 A tear dropping with every word. Grief filled the clouds, turning them grey. As the light rain starts, masking the tears, the lady walks back into the house only to cry some more. 

After that, she wouldn’t leave the house, nor answer the door. Feeling depressed, she lied on her bed. She lit a cigarette, although she had never done so before. As the days went by, her health started declining. Her angelic voice had disappeared, now replaced with a raspy, hoarse one. She waited for her death to approach. 

***

An old lady jerks up from her sleep, taking deep uncontrollable breaths. Her heart ached from the nightmare. As she got out of the bed, she accidentally knocked the lamp off of the side table, making a loud thud. Moments later the elderly woman saw the door slowly creaking open, followed by a voice. Thinking no-one was home, she listened nervously.

-Miss Lovely! is everything okay?

Relieved that it was only her nurse, Nila, she replied:

-Oh sorry dear, I accidentally knocked off the lamp.

The girl walks over and picks up the object in question and she asks:

-Is everything alright? You seem a bit upset.

-Oh, don't worry, I just had another silly dream. Everything is alright- Miss Lovely smiled, attempting to avoid the subject.

- Is it? You can tell me, I know you aren’t telling the truth.

- Alright I suppose I should. I- - Miss Lovely sighed - I had an unpleasant dream about my past. Years ago, I was- - She gulped, but couldn’t bring herself to continue, tears already running down her face.

- Oh, I am so sorry miss Lovely - Nila replied feeling guilty for making the old lady reminisce such a thing.- I didn't know.

- It's not your fault, it's now in the past anyway. -The elderly woman said forcing a smile to lighten up the mood.

 They sat in silence before, a knock at the front door was heard. Nila left to check who it was and Lovely stood up to get changed. A few minutes later she entered the living room and saw someone familiar sitting on the couch. The stranger glimpsed at her, noticing someone walk in, and stood up excitedly after realizing who it was:

-Lovely! Long time no see! How you been!?

-Tylor is that you?- Lovely said, in surprise.

-Yes, indeed. Is something the matter?

-Well, you look older.- Lovely said with a mocking tone.

-I could say the same to you.

Tylor used to play the bass guitar in Lovely’s band, called Moon. His signature move was the slap and a killer smile. However, the band did not last long, and they split with everyone going their merry way. He later became a successful businessman by selling his bass solo.

-I have not seen the whole town yet, maybe you could show me around? - Tylor asked as he had only arrived the day before.

-Sorry, I cannot at the moment. I have duties to tackle. - Lovely said, already drained by the idea of working.

- Oh! I can help you out and in return, you could show me around. - Tylor suggested enthusiastically.

The duties involved collecting apples and mushrooms from the forest nearby. While they were on the way, Lovely pulled out her photo album, which she had brought along, and recalled the fun memories they had while the band hadn’t yet disbanded.

-Hey, I remember that! - Tylor exclaimed, pointing at a photograph - This was our first ever performance. I remember sliding to the front of the stage on my knees to look cool and fell off!- Tylor chuckled -You guys were so mad, and later we all laughed about it.

Lovely chuckled, flipping through more pages until they opened the page where a letter was. Lovely's eyes dropped as her bright smile disappeared. Only with a glimpse of the page, Tylor knew it was about Ryan. Ryan was a former bandmate and Lovely's significant other who passed 42 years ago. Ryan wrote the letter and placed it in her memory book before passing away from cancer. Lovely never knew he was sick so it was devastating news to her and even now she cries remembering him.

 The two former bandmates walk along a path, collecting mushrooms when Lovely sees a large patch of daisies not far from where they stood so she decides to explore it. She walks over with Tylor still following, telling her about recent events in his life when they stumble upon an old fountain, which was still running. There was a bench right next to it, so they sat down for a break. As lovely places, the open photo album next to her on the bench, Ryan’s letter gets carried away by the wind and into the fountain. Tylor noticing this exclaims:

-The letter! Lovely quick take it out!

Lovely instantly turns around and sees what he had been shouting about and reaches in. Tylor also trying to retrieve the letter, tries to grab it but they both fall in.

Lovely breaking the water surface takes a deep breath but the letter was nowhere to be found. She shouts at Tylor to see if he got it but instead sees a much younger version of him. He was getting out, his clothing all wet turns to her, and is in complete awe. She has long brown locks, clear pale skin, and much taller than she used to be. The same could be said for him. He has better posture, a skinnier face, and mid-length black hair. 

-What happened to you? -Lovely says in surprise.

-What? Are we young again? - Tylor cries, touching his clear and unwrinkled face.

-Is this a dream? -The brunette questions, looking at her friend.

-I don’t know but we have to head back - He replies.

They both walk the usual route, but upon seeing the town their jaws drop. All of the new shops, roads, and buildings aren’t there. They kept looking around the town when they see a young and a very much alive Ryan walking towards them. He still had his curly blond hair and mesmerizing green eyes. Lovely couldn’t keep her emotion to herself so she ran at him and hugged him to make sure.

-You’re here!? - She exclaimed, in happiness and confusion.

-Of course, I am. We were supposed to meet here. -Ryan says cluelessly while returning the hug.

-This can’t be real - Tylor says, rubbing his eyes. Ryan looking concerned at him.

- Why is it a surprise to you guys, was I supposed to be assassinated or something? - The blond jokes, but soon realized the others found it in poor taste so he laughed it off.

The bassist took Lovely by her arm and dragged her back to the fountain and Ryan followed in confusion. When they got to where the fountain was supposed to be they only saw the bench and Tylor noticed their clothes were no longer wet.

-What is this? Where’s the fountain? - He said in shock, looking over to the couple. Lovely had an ill face but didn’t let her boyfriend see it to avoid his concern.

-What do you mean? There was never a fountain here -Ryan explained still not understanding their weird behavior.

-We should get back. By the way, what day is it today?- The girl said breaking the silence.

-It’s October 2nd, why? 

- 1976? - Tylor continued

- Um, yes. Are you guys feeling okay?- The boyfriend asks and remembers - Oh also I haven’t told you this yesterday but I got us a gig at Jerico’s. And we’re performing tonight!

-That’s awesome! - Lovely says in an excited voice.

Later that night after the performance Ryan and Lovely shared an intimate moment backstage, where he told her just how much he loved her and how much he wanted to live long enough to get old together. At that moment she realized how he was hinting at his sickness and she never bothered to give his words too much thought.

*-Ryan, I love you, no matter what happens in the future. - Lovely said holding back her tears as they embrace in a hug.*

 The morning after she receives a call from Ryan’s mother telling her he passed away. She was so devastated at the news, even though she knew he would die that night. Her heart ached but she remembered the photo album and how he was supposed to slip the letter in. She rushed to her bookshelf and went through it, in hopes it was already there but she couldn’t find it. No matter how many times she checked, it wasn’t there. Out of the worry that she had done something different for history to go wrong she called Tylor and explained her frustration. He invited her over and they talked.

-It can’t be right! The letter must have been there - Lovely cried.

-Calm down, we’ll figure this out - Tylor said, reassuring her.

-The letter is real right? I had it for so many years it has to be. You saw it too right?-She exclaimed waiting for an answer, to make sure she wasn’t imagining all of this. 

-Yes, It did exist - The bassist said, not being able to push out another word

-Are we in an alternate universe where he decided not to write the letter?-She questioned, to a point where she was driving herself insane.

-Lovely stop - He paused- I wrote the letter

-What? No, but I was sure it was Ryan. - She said with a sour expression - Why would you do that to me, lie for all these years? I thought you cared about me!

-I do and that’s why I wrote it. When I found out how much and how hard you’ve been grieving over him. It broke my heart. I was sad that he couldn’t say goodbye to you. So I dropped it off in your photo album while I was visiting a few days after. I wrote it so you wouldn’t think he didn’t love you -He said desperately trying to explain myself. 

-He didn’t love me? - She whispered through the tears, with her lips trembling.

-What? That’s not what I said - He said, shaking his head.

-Yes it is! You said, “So you wouldn’t think he didn’t love you”!- She shouted, her face turning red.

-I didn’t mean it like that! You know he loved you. He said “I love you” to you every day, every chance he got! -He barked not being able to keep his temper.

Lovely stood up and left without a word and Tylor was left, regretting telling her about the letter. Now he had to prove to her that Ryan really did love her.

Two days later Ryan’s mother invites Tylor to their house for dinner because she knew he was one of Ryan’s best friends and that his death might have affected them in a bad way. After his arrival, he roams around the house looking for a bathroom and sees an office room. He walks in and sees a lone desk and chair.  He sits down on the office chair and looks around his table. He notices a drawer and opens it out of curiosity. It had a box inside it. Just as he does so Ryan’s mother walks in and Tylor jumps up from the chair.

-Oh, I knew you’d get lost - She says -The bathroom is actually that way -She points in a different direction.

-Thank you, I was just looking at this - Tylor says pulling the box out of the drawer

- I didn’t know Ryan was going to propose so soon. Did he tell you about the ring?- She asked, the smile never leaving her face.

-The ring?-He says in confusion but soon realizes she’s talking about an engagement one- Ah yes he did, he wanted to propose to Lovely, right? -He said in hopes that it was actually for Lovely and that he didn’t have a secret mistress who he loved more.

-Yes, what an amazing girl she is - She begins before she hears the kitchen timer ring- Ooh, sounds like dinner’s ready! Don’t forget to wash your hands- She continues and leaves.

Now that Tylor had sufficient evidence to prove to Lovely that Ryan truly loved her, he needed to get her to see it. He knew it was risky but he shoved the ring in his pocket anyway and went back to being a guest. After dinner, he came over to Lovely’s house and knocked on the door. She didn’t answer.

-Lovely, listen I know you can hear me. I have proof that he really loved you! - Tylor shouted loud enough for Lovely to hear him from her open window. She knew nothing could bring her mood back up but she decided to listen to him. She opened the door.

-What is it?- She said in a monotone voice.

-See this? It’s an engagement ring. He wanted to marry you - He said proudly.

-Why do you spend so much money on something you can’t fix! - She cried in disbelief, for him to go this far with a lie.

-I didn’t buy it. I found it at his house!- He exclaimed, trying to prove himself

-His mother is staying there, I visited her the other day. She would have told me! - She shouted.

-Fine just keep this, for me -He couldn’t do anything else so he gave up. 

He handed her the ring box and waited for her to open it when he realized he didn’t actually check if there was anything inside. Lovely looked at it and opened waiting to be disappointed. Much to her surprise, it was nothing she ever expected, it wasn’t even a ring. It was a small rose gold chain necklace, which she mentioned she liked when she and Ryan went window shopping once. Her face lost the heavy expression which she had been wearing during the whole ordeal. Tylor still couldn’t see what was in the box, so he assumed it was empty; he waited to be shouted at or have the door slam against his face, instead he felt Lovely hug him. She held onto him.

-I’m sorry -She whispered, as Tylor hugged her back, not saying a word. 

After letting go of each other, they walked back to the bench and sat down.

-I guess this is it -Lovely began- We relive our lives all over again.

-At least I know my Bass-solo is going to be a success -Tylor laughed and Lovely smiled to herself.

The sun was setting and they both sat in complete silence. Lovely looked down and noticed a small patch of daisies. She picked one up and rolled it’s stem with her fingers, inspecting it. “No matter how much I beat myself over him, he won’t come back. Learning to move on is part of growing. Instead of grieving over someone’s death, I shouldn't wait for mine. I should live my life to the fullest. That's what Ryan would have wanted for me. I should embrace and celebrate what others aren't fortunate enough to have for long ”.

[iwhumpyou]

Eyes

He woke up gasping.  Just a dream, he tried to reassure himself, just a dream.  It was difficult when he could see her body every time he closed his eyes.  Could see sand turning red, and a ruin of a face.

Just a dream.  Rani was fine.  She was alive.  The gun had backfired.  She was fine. 

He got ready in a daze, unable to shake the image, and was almost eager to get to work.  He’d see Rani and she’d be fine and he could stop seeing her dead body lying limp on the sand. Because the gun had backfired and she’d fallen but she’d lived.

She’d lived.

Hadn’t she?

The errant thought struck a deeper chord inside of him and Ryan buried it as quickly as he could, until he could pretend like it had never existed.

He got through security, his body almost vibrating with the urge to move faster.  It was nothing, he tried to tell himself, he just wanted to make sure he got the good coffee.  That was it.

The halls were emptier than usual, and the people that passed him seemed to stare at him, pausing or whispering to their colleagues.  Ryan walked faster.  He was almost at his office, almost there, he would turn the corner and walk through the door and then Rani would look up at him from her cubicle and smile and – 

There was someone new sitting at Rani’s desk.

Ryan stopped dead and stared. 

The person at the desk turned around and looked at him quizzically.  “Can I help you?” they asked.

“Where’s Rani?” Ryan managed to force out.  Maybe they were just waiting for her.  Maybe she let them sit at her desk while she went to talk to someone, or get a printout, or something.

(Maybe she was dead, lying in the sands far, far from home.)

“Who?” they asked, confused.

Ryan couldn’t breathe.

The office seemed to get smaller around him as he whirled, trying to find a familiar face.  There were only a few other people in, and he didn’t recognize any of them.  No Clara, or Akito, or Frank.  He saw looks of concern and confusion on faces he’d never seen before.

The room was suffocating him and all he could see was Rani’s body on the ground, red, red, red –

There was a hand on his shoulder and he turned, nearly crying when Agent Denito’s face swam into view.  “Ryan?” she asked, slowly and softly, “Are you alright?”

“Where’s Rani?” Ryan choked out.  He needed her to answer.  He needed her to confirm that the body was the nightmare.

“Rani?” Denito repeated.  Her face drew into a confused frown, and then smoothed out with understanding.  She was looking at him with – with pity.

Ryan went cold.

“No,” he breathed out, but the room was closing in on him and there was red everywhere and Rani’s limp body loomed large in his eyes.  “No!”

He fled.

~#~

Agent Denito found him later.  Ryan didn’t know how long it had been – he replayed the whole incident in his head, over and over and over.

The rebel, snarling at Rani.  Rani, on her knees, hands tied, but glaring at him.  Snarling back.  Goading him.  And the rebel, taking two steps forward to place his gun on her forehead, as if he was trying to bore through her skull.  And then squeezing the trigger.

And then red.  And screams.  And rapid bursts of gunfire.  And Rani, sprawled on the sand. 

He couldn’t see her face in his memories.

There was shouting outside and Denito’s voice, low and rough, but Ryan ignored it all.  He had managed to convince himself that Rani had lived.  Managed to convince himself so thoroughly that he thought the truth was just a nightmare.  They must’ve thought that he’d snapped.

Maybe he had. 

Footsteps neared him, and he heard Denito, her voice softer than he’d heard before.  “Ryan?” she asked, “Can you hear me?”

Ryan curled up further.

“Ryan,” Denito sighed.  He could hear her shuffling outside.  “Are you going to come out?”

“No,” Ryan said hoarsely.  There was a lump in his throat and it hurt to swallow.  It hurt to breathe.  It hurt to think.

Denito sighed again, and he could hear her taking a seat on the floor outside the desk.  He stayed where he was, curled in the hollow of the desk, and tried not to cry. 

“Ryan, what happened?” Denito asked and he shuddered.  He didn’t want to tell her.  He didn’t want to say it out loud.

“I just forgot,” he mumbled, hoping the answer would be enough.

“It’s okay,” Denito said quietly, “But why are you hiding under a desk?  Should I call the nurse?”

Ryan almost laughed at that.  He didn’t need a nurse.  He wasn’t the one who got injured.  (He wasn’t the one who got killed.)

“No,” he said when it became clear she was waiting for an answer.  “No, I’m fine.”

“You are clearly not fine,” Denito said firmly.

“I just – I needed a moment,” Ryan said, scrubbing a hand over his face and thinking about how best to get rid of her.  He sighed and realized something close to the truth would suffice.  “I – I forgot.  That Rani died.  And I just need some space.  Please,” he tacked on as an afterthought.

There.  Now maybe she’d go away and leave him to castigate in his misery in peace.

“You forgot Rani what?”  That didn’t sound like understanding.  That sounded like bewilderment.

Ryan huddled deeper in the corner and hoped she wouldn’t drag him out for a psych eval.

“You – where – what – how –” Denito spluttered incoherently.  He finally heard her take a deep breath to calm herself.

“Ryan,” she said, her voice level, and he prepared herself for her words, “Rani’s not dead.”

That…had not been what he’d prepared for.

“Ryan?” Denito said and he realized he was breathing too fast.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t seem to stop.  “Ryan, Rani is alive and well.”

“You’re – you’re lying,” he accused, his heart beating too fast and the world washing out in gray.  There was something clenching in his chest, squeezing his lungs.

Rani, a gun in her face.  Her snarl.  The finger on the trigger, the bang.  Her body hitting the sand.  Red.

He couldn’t see her face.

“I assure you, I’m not,” Denito said calmly, “Why do you think she’s dead?”

“She – I saw the gun – my dreams –” Ryan was aware he sounded like a lunatic, and he seized upon the one thing she had to have seen, “She wasn’t at her desk!”

“Ryan, it’s Saturday,” Denito said.

It was?

“Also, I told you all to take at least a week off.  Do you remember that?”

Now that she mentioned it, Ryan did recall listening to Denito yesterday, but being too exhausted to actually hear the words.  He remembered Clara giving him a ride home and – and Rani waving off her offer, and telling them that James was driving her home.

He remembered the burns over Rani’s face, and remembered her breathing, rough and ragged, as they tried to cover her from the gunfire.  The gauze wrapped over half her face.  Remembered seeing her curled up in James’ arms on the flight home as the man glowered at anyone who gave them a second glance.

But what if all that was just a dream?

“Prove it,” he said shakily, trying not to feel hopeful.

Denito sighed.  “Ryan –” she started.

“Prove it.”

She sighed again and he heard her get up.  He tried not to feel too disappointed.  He failed.

~#~

She returned soon and Ryan felt treacherous hope rear its head again.  She was talking to someone, and when he didn’t hear a response, he assumed she was on the phone.

Was she calling the hospital?  Was she calling someone to take him away?

He pressed himself further into the corner and watched as shadows played across the light.

“Thank you,” he heard Denito say, and then she came closer, “Ryan, can you hear me?”

Ryan mumbled a yes.

“My phone’s on speaker,” she said, and he could hear the crackling of the line as she presumably pushed it closer to him.

“Ryan?” a tinny voice said, and Ryan’s heart clenched.

“Rani?” he whispered, frozen.

“Hi, Ryan!” Rani said brightly, “Agent Denito says that you went to work today.  Did you forget it was Saturday?”

She certainly sounded alive. 

“Yeah,” Ryan said hoarsely, “Yeah, I forgot.”

“Do you want to come hang out at my place?” Rani asked, “James brought some board games, it’ll be fun to –”

“Yes,” Ryan said, lurching forward, “Yes, that would be great, when can I…?”  He needed to see her with his own two eyes.  He needed to see her alive and bright and smiling, so he would forget the sight of blank eyes and a hole in her head.

“Come over anytime!” Rani chirped, and Ryan slowly eased out from under the desk.  Denito watched him emerge, and took the phone back.

“I’ll get someone to drop you off at her place,” she said, not unkindly.  Ryan couldn’t meet her gaze.  He didn’t want to see whatever expression was on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said faintly, scrubbing at his face.  He was losing his mind.

(But he could see it so vividly in his head, the blood, the screaming, the lack of a pulse underneath his fingers –)

“It’s okay,” Denito sighed, “But Ryan?  I don’t want you in here for a week.  And I mean it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ryan managed.

~#~

Ryan couldn’t sit still, the entire ride over.  He barely paid a second glance to the driver, and murmured an absent thanks as he stumbled out of the car.  He rang the doorbell and waited, heart in his throat – what if it was all a dream, what if no one answered, what if he saw her face, her brains blown out and blood leaking everywhere and –

“Ryan!” Rani smiled, opening the door.  Ryan stared at her, frozen.  “Come inside, everyone else is here – Ryan?”

“Yes?” he managed to say, blinking.  Rani was looking at him in concern, her bandage crinkling as she frowned.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, “If you’re tired, I have a futon –”

“It’s okay,” Ryan said, stepping inside, “I’m fine.”  He had a feeling his wan, lifeless smile didn’t convince her, but she let it drop.

“If you’re sure,” Rani said finally, before gesturing towards the inside of the apartment, “We’ve got some pizza and Clara and Akito and Frank came over too, and James has some board games we can play!”  Ryan slipped off his shoes and his coat and followed her inside.

They were indeed all there.  James was perched awkwardly on the armchair – the reason for which became obvious when Rani retook her seat – staring at everybody with a dark glower.  Of course, a dark glower was practically James’ default expression, so Ryan ignored it when it swung his way.

Clara smiled brightly at Ryan – a smile a shade too wide to be sincere – and Frank patted him on the back when he sat down, squeezing his shoulder as if to reassure himself that Ryan was actually here.  Akito smiled at Ryan, and he could see the dark bags under the other man’s eyes.

“Alright – shall we play Monopoly?” Rani asked, raising the first game.

“We just got out of a warzone, no thanks,” Frank said, to a round of uncomfortable chuckles.

“Okay…how about Clue?” Rani asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Clara replied, watching Rani.  In fact, they were all watching Rani – carefully, closely.  As if they were worried that they would look away and back again to a ghost.  Or a corpse.

Even James was cutting down on his glowering time to stare at Rani with an unreadable expression. The woman herself merely beamed at them before setting up the game.

“You’re going to see all my cards if you stay there,” she said to James over her shoulder, and his expression twisted into aggravation before he tumbled gracefully off the armchair.

Ryan never thought he’d see the day when he could classify one of James’ expressions as a pout.

The soldier swiped the cards from Rani’s hand and began setting it up himself as he took a seat between Clara and Akito.  Rani let him, and Ryan watched the imperceptible wince that crossed her face – the gun had backfired, true.  But it had still caused injuries.

Ryan knew from personal experience that burn injuries seethed and itched, and walking around with no depth perception must’ve been causing a hell of a headache.  He could see his deduction ripple across the faces of everyone else – they watched her when she wasn’t looking, turning back to their cards if she looked up.

Ryan had a half-formed thought to take it easy, to let her win the first game – he wasn’t here to win at board games, he was here because every time he saw Rani alive, the image of her dead body faded a little, because every time he heard her laugh, the hole in his heart healed a bit and he felt a little freer.

And then he stared at his cards and his notes in consternation as Rani snickered and showed them the target cards.

“What?” he managed. He had eliminated only seven options. Clara was staring at her cards in similar betrayal.  Akito smiled – he didn’t look awake enough to be playing properly.  Frank groaned and tossed his cards back on the table and even James looked mildly perplexed.

“You guys suck as detectives,” Rani informed them, still laughing.

Ryan scowled at her, but there was no heat behind it.

She was here.  She was alive.  (The gun had backfired.  It had.)

They played another round, they talked, they joked – for hours and hours, until Akito almost nodded off in the middle of a sentence.

“Tired?” Rani asked, and Akito blearily straightened up and nodded, “I have a futon, if you want to crash here.”

“That would be great,” he murmured, and Ryan stared at him with the faintest stirrings of resentment.

“We should probably wrap up this party,” Clara said, though she made no move to get up, “Do you want me to give you a ride, James?”

“I’m not leaving,” he said brusquely, and Ryan raised an eyebrow despite himself.  He flushed slightly under their stares, still glaring. “It’s a bit difficult to drive around or judge distances when you can only see out of one eye.  I’m helping Rani.”

“And thank you for that,” Rani smiled, returning with the bedding.  There were lines of exhaustion on her face, and she squinted at times and stumbled into furniture.  Ryan understood what James meant.  “But you won’t let me cook, and you can’t cook, so you’re really going to have to relax those restrictions because I’m not eating takeout for the next week.”

James scowled again at this, but quickly bounded forward to snatch the bedding out of Rani’s hands and begin preparing the futon.  Akito watching them with half-open eyes, almost swaying where he sat.

“I can cook,” Frank said suddenly.

“What?” Rani asked, and Clara frowned.  Ryan turned to stare at Frank.

“I can cook,” Frank said, more confidently, flashing a slightly desperate smile at Rani, “I can make you guys breakfast tomorrow!”

“Oh, um…that would be wonderful,” Rani said, looking taken aback.

“You need someone to water your plants, too,” Clara said, beaming at her.  Rani blinked.  “I mean, if James is making sure you don’t hurt yourself, and Frank is cooking, who’s going to watch the poor plants?”

“Clara, it’s a cactus,” Rani said, bewildered.

“And you need someone to help clean up the place,” Ryan interjected.

“Excuse me?” Rani looked slightly offended, and James turned to affix them all with a dark scowl.

“Not that your place isn’t clean!” Ryan backpedaled quickly, “Just that – if Frank’s going to be cooking, and we’re all staying over, there’ll be more stuff to clean and it isn’t fair to make you do all of it.”

“It isn’t fair,” Rani repeated, blank-faced.

“It’s a great idea!” Clara beamed, “We can all have a slumber party!”  Akito mumbled agreement from where he’d faceplanted into a pillow. James didn’t look pleased as he stalked off, deeper into the apartment, but he returned with a sleeping bag and several more piles of bedding.

Rani was still looking between them all in bewilderment, but a helpless smile was twitching against her lips.  “Alright,” she said, bemused, “I guess we’re having a sleepover?”

“Great!” Clara jumped up and hugged Rani, “We can share the bed and the boys can sleep out here.”

James’ scowl intensified into murderous territory.

Ryan quickly ducked behind the armchair, but Clara ignored his searing glare easily as she looped her arm through Rani’s and dragged her off to the bedroom.

Ryan warily poked his head above the armchair and got hit in the face with a pillow and blanket.  “I’m taking the other futon,” James informed them curtly, dumping the sleeping bag and the other bedding on the floor.  “The armchair reclines.”

Ryan and Frank shot each other a quick exchange of looks that went more or less like – ‘what crawled up his ass’ – ‘you know full well’ – ‘he’s in a snotty mood despite, you know’ – ‘do you want to test him right now’ – ‘…no’ – ‘then shut up and go to bed’.

The armchair did, in fact, recline and Ryan left the sleeping bag to Frank as he attempted to get comfortable.

He was exhausted, with his restless sleep the night before and the panic of that morning, and the sound of other people breathing was soothing to someone that had come home to an achingly empty apartment.

Sleep came easily.  It did not stay.

~#~

“Beg,” the man said, “Beg and I may yet let you live.”  There were snakes hissing everywhere, coiling around them, climbing up Rani and anchoring her in place.

“You are a coward,” she said, and the snakes writhed in a frenzy.

“And you…” the man said, spreading his arms, “Are dead.”

The snakes attacked. When they slithered away, Rani was on the ground, her face waxen pale, one eye staring blankly into nothingness. Half her face was gone.  The sand was red.

He hadn’t even heard the gunshot.

Ryan gasped awake and clutched desperately in the darkness to the sensation of falling.  Several harsh, heaving breaths later, he recognized the neon clock on the microwave.  1:13, it blinked at him.

He was on…an armchair. He was at Rani’s house.  He turned the other direction, and counted three lumps in the dim moonlight, and the sound of slow, deep breathing.

Rani wasn’t dead.  The gun had backfired.  Ryan had no idea where the snakes had come from.  Rani wasn’t dead.

He had slipped out of the armchair before he realized what he was doing.  Rani wasn’t dead, but – but it was better to check.  To make sure.  No, he knew she wasn’t dead, he was just…he was just making sure nothing had happened to her.  That the girls were sleeping well.

He kept his footsteps quiet, and slowly eased open the bedroom door.  A shaft of moonlight fell across Clara’s hair and illuminated the curve of her ear, falling short of the second lump in the bed.  But he could hear Rani’s breathing, turned harsh by the bandages covering half her face.

She was alive.  Of course she was alive.  (The gun had backfired and he hadn’t watched her die.)

Ryan turned to leave and nearly crashed straight into Frank.

“What are you doing?” he hissed, just barely remembering to keep his voice low as he rubbed his nose.

“Nothing,” Frank snapped back, “Just…uh…going to get some water?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?” Ryan grumbled, refraining from pointing out that the kitchen was in the other direction.

He wasn’t the only one who’d watched Rani fall.  Wasn’t the only one who’d been at her bedside.  Wasn’t the only one who still had bad dreams.

Ryan crept back to his armchair bed and tried to go back to sleep.

The good news was that he managed it.  The bad news was that he managed it.

~#~

“You insolent bitch.”

Red.  Red everywhere.

One eye staring at him in a mass of white and red and bubbling worms.

“Coward.”  The word snapped with disgust and revulsion.

“Take that back!”

The shrill whine of helicopter blades.  The rat-tat-tat of machine gunfire.  Red sand.

“Kill me yourself, coward. If you dare.”

The sun, gleaming off of metal and into his eyes.

“You can’t do it.”  A laugh, high and harsh.  “You don’t have the guts.”

The sound of a gun backfiring.

The sound of a gunshot.

Was there ever a difference?

A corpse crumbling and bursting into fire.

Red, red, dead.

~#~

He wrenched himself free of the stifling blanket and bolted upright, chest heaving, the image of blood seared into his eyelids.

He heard movement and he looked up – the kitchen light was on, silhouetting a figure, and Rani looked at him in concern, her mouth moving –

He couldn’t hear.  He could only feel the jitters under his skin, the sense of wrongness, the afterimage of a crushed skull every time he looked at her bandages –

He staggered out of the armchair on instinct – Rani was in front of him, she was alive, but what if this was the dream? – and reached a desperate hand out.

He needed this to be real. He was losing his mind and he needed this to be real.

Rani met his grasp, her face crinkled into worry, and he enveloped her in a stifling hug.

She was warm.  (He wasn’t holding a cold, decaying corpse.) He could hear her heart beat, feel it on his skin.  (It wasn’t the tune of blood gushing out or guns firing.)  He could feel her arms around him, her voice in his ears, the rough texture of the bandage against his face.

(She was alive, she was alive, she was alive.)

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said hoarsely, still gripping her frantically, “I’m sorry.”  He could see James out of the corner of his eye, a glare boring into his head.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Rani said softly.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. He couldn’t make his hands let go. “I needed – I needed to make sure you were alive.”

He could hear Rani swallow. “Ryan, I’m right here,” she said, “Right here.  Alive and well.  I promise. I’m right here.”

“I know,” he said, and it was a lie.  (He needed to be sure.)

“It’s okay,” she said, making no move to step back.  They stayed there as Ryan buried his head in her shoulder and let her shirt soak up his tears.  She was alive.

He had to remind himself of that, every time he woke up.  But she was alive, and he could remind himself over and over until he remembered.

~#~#~#~#~#~

Masterlist.

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 4

AO3

~*~Emma~*~

What in the hell is he doing with his tongue? He's licking his lips and flipping it around. Is he trying to drive me crazy? I'm not sure he even realizes what he's doing. Its like a nervous habit or he's thinking. Either option is sexy as fuck.

I'd wondered how and when the subject of him being The Winter Soldier would come up. It had to eventually. Like I'd said it's difficult to get to know him without hearing about his friends. It just so happens that his friends are famous people and super heroes.

I could make this easier. I could tell him a story to let him know I'm not starstruck or looking to attach myself to a celebrity. But that would open up a conversation I'm not ready to have and, frankly, he's not earned. Yet.

After I said to talk about his friends, Sebastian told me stories of dinners in Atlanta, nights out, and practical jokes galore. He used nicknames and told me about the people. I wasn't learning about a bunch of actors. I was learning about Evans, Mackie, Chace, Will, and Scarlett among others.

I must have had a look on my face because he stopped, "What?"

It took a second for me to track back to what I was thinking. "Just because I can match names with faces doesn't mean I know the people. Thank you for telling me about the people."

He smiled and his blue blue eyes lit up. It was like he was surprised he'd been talking so easily. He squeezed my hand and nodded once, "You're welcome."

Our dinner arrived and broke the moment. I'm glad. Like when the appetizer came and stopped the flirty comments. The interruptions kept us from going to far. A first date is like a dance. You flirt, you back away. You get into a deep conversation, then go back to a safer topic. Too much intensity and you run the risk of regretting what you shared in a moment. Out of control flirting just lands you in bed.

While we ate I took over telling stories about my friends. By the time they took our plates we'd built the foundation for future conversations about our days. I didn't doubt there would be those conversations.

We had to stop holding hands while we ate. Almost immediately I saw him shift and felt his leg brush mine and come to rest with his calf pressed against mine. With the plates gone, Sebastian reached across the table. I put my hand back in his and felt a frisson of energy travel up my arm. His hands made mine look tiny. Us holding hands wasn't a passive activity. We played with each other's fingers. Every so often we'd twine fingers and be still for a minute or two before the movement continued. Sebastian seemed especially fascinated by my finger nails. He’d run his fingers over the sides, push against the end, or almost pull on on them.

Another pair of beers arrived and conversation restarted. “You grew up in Georgia and now you're in New York. How'd that happen?”

I grimaced, “There's an ex in this story. You up for hearing the ex story?”

“If you're up to telling.”

“I went to the University of Georgia in Athens. About four hours away from home. First semester of my Junior year I took an elective in American Legal Foundations. Most of the class was taught by a second year law student named Jimmy.” I quirked an eyebrow to clue him in. He smiled. “He was handsome, smart, and very driven. We dated through graduation. Him law school and me undergrad. He got a job at a firm in New York City. I applied to NYU and started working on my Masters. You can work as a teacher in New York with your bachelors, but you have to have taken some prep classes, which I didn't have. So I worked as a server for the first year.”

Sebastian groaned, “I did too. I don't think I've ever been so tired in all my life. And is why I tip ridiculous amounts.”

I laughed, “I remember how bad my feet hurt.” He groaned with me. “It worked good with my school schedule. In the fall I got a job teaching Kindergarten. We had this one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. I loved our neighborhood. There was always something going on. I got to be friends with this local musician and his wife. She taught first grade, which is how I learned I would prefer first grade. The next year I moved to first grade and we team taught. I thought I was set. A man I loved, job I loved, neighborhood I loved, friends I loved.” I paused to take a drink.

His thumb moving against my skin would have been soothing if I wasn't past all this. Still, it felt good. “This is where it falls apart.”

“Part of what I fell in love with was his drive. I didn't count on it turning on me. Somewhere he started to think I was less than him. He was better than me. His friends were better than mine. At his firm's Christmas party I noticed when he introduced me or if someone asked me about myself he would say “she's just a teacher”. We got into a huge fight that night. He hated my best friend and her wanna be rock star husband. My salary was always going to hold him back.” I smiled. “Hold him back. His phone rang and I saw the name of one of his coworkers. She was the one he'd been fucking for months.”

Sebastian hissed in a breath, “Ouch, sorry.”

“Ancient history now, but thanks. My parents wanted me to moved back.  I just couldn't, but I couldn't afford our apartment either. I searched around and found a long term sub position near here for a teacher on maternity leave. They didn't have a spot for me the next year, but I found a first grade position in another school. I've been here three years now.”

“Very different from Brooklyn.”

I laughed, “Very. I loved the city. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. The energy is different there. You can walk around doing nothing and have the best time. I go back and visit friends, especially if Eli has a gig and I can see Angie. Most people come up here to get away from the city. I go to the city to get away from the peace and quiet. Where do you live?”  

“Soho.” He looked uncomfortable. “When I first moved to the city I lived in the apartment with three other friends in a scary neighborhood right near the subway. Good times. Acting isn't a steady paycheck. I just bought a place last year. I put it off for a long time. Part of me kept expecting the work to dry up and be worried about making rent again. My manager had to practically forge my name on the mortgage. I shook for a good three days. Then it got fun. I liked decorating and picking out stuff. Everything was painted white when I moved in. I left most of it, but I painted a wall in my bedroom a blue gray. Evans told me I couldn't paint it black.” He shrugged, “I like black.”

“My kitchen is black.”

“Good girl.” He brought his beer to his lips and smiled, “So is mine.”

We talked about New York for a long time. Best places for people watching. Live music places. Hidden restaurants. Things we loved and things we hated. Somewhere in this I decided this was the best first date I'd ever had. Or maybe it was just him.

The place was crowded, noisy with conversation and the clinking of tableware. His attention was never pulled away from me. I felt like I was the only person in the place. If he had first date nerves they weren't showing. He seemed relaxed and natural, which made it easy for me to be relaxed and natural. Facial expressions showed interest and kept me talking. He became more animated as he told his own stories. It was like he focused all his energy on listening, but let it go when it was his turn. As we talked about New York we were talking over and around each other and reacting to things said. It didn't feel like a first date.

When that conversation died down he brought his other hand to the table and motioned for mine. He held both of mine and his face went serious. “Alright. You're stranded on an island.” I snorted a laugh. He shook his head and laughter filled his eyes, “Wait for it.” He huffed a breath and got back into character, “You're stranded on an island. All your needs are taken care of. There's shelter, food, water, indoor plumping. But . . . there's no internet. In the middle of main room, which has an amazing ocean view by the way, is a jukebox. It only has five songs. What are they and why?”

My eyes grew wide, “Only five!”

He sneered and nodded, “Only five. Better make them good ones. Who knows how long you’ll be there.”

“You're gonna tell me yours aren't you?”

“When you're done.” He stared at me while I was thinking. “Only five.”

“Shut up, I'm thinking.” The first three were easy. “Ok, first, foremost, and always is Black by Pearl Jam.”

He made a face, “Ooo, good choice.” He started singing. “I know someday you'll have a beautiful life. I know you'll be a star. In somebody else's sky. Why oh why can't it be mine.”

I had joined in after the first line and could feel the smile on my face. “That's the reason. The feeling and rip your heart out emotion is those lines.” I closed my eyes and thought back, “Seeing that live the first time when I was sixteen was incredible. Watching Eddie on stage with his eyes closed, pouring out the pain. Then it switches to that Doodoo-doo-doo-doodoodoo over and over, almost like a mantra or sitting in the corner rocking back and forth to comfort yourself.  Start a Fire, by Ryan Star. It's memories of falling in love or maybe falling in lust. It's got an intense part kind of like Black. Probably because he's a big Pearl Jam fan. It says things like taking chances in the back of your car, give in to the beat of your heart as my hand touches your skin, and wake up dreaming and lie here with me.” I was on a roll now and kept going. “Shatter Me. Lindsey Stirling is a violinist and the lead singer from Halestorm does vocals. It's about being afraid and wanting to feel alive again. Starts kinda soft with the soothing violin in the background then works up to a frenzy. The first line is “I piroutte in the dark” so as the music builds I just picture spinning faster and faster trying to break free from the fear. There's an old song by Jefferson Starship. At least I think they were still Jefferson Starship. Miracles. It's from the seventies and it's one the dirtiest song I've ever heard.  Not in the filthy I wanna fuck you like an animal way, but sexy dirty. Have you heard it?”

He scrunched up his face while he thought, “I think so. Something about if only you believed in miracles so would I. Is that right?” I nodded. “I don't recall the dirty part.”

“There's a short version they play on the radio that doesn't have it. It's almost at the end and says I got a taste of the real world when I went down on you.”

I watched a slow smirk form and his eyebrow quirk. “The seventies had lots of secret dirty parts. Afternoon Delight. That song by Donna Summer full of sex noises. When I went down on you isn't really hidden.” He held up a finger. “One more.”

“This one is new and I'm currently obsessed. Chances by the Backstreet Boys.” He snickered. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. I sang the first line, “What if I wouldn't have asked for your name and time wouldn't have stopped when you said it to me.” He just stared and I switched back to speaking, “It’s a simple love song about fate. All the what ifs that have to happen for two people to fall in love.” I shrugged. “Your turn.”

He threw his hands in the air, “I can't compete with yours! You've got all these intense songs about heartbreak, fear, love, and lust. I've got, I've got Jessie's Girl.”

I laughed at the way he threw up his hands, made faces, and collapsed back into his chair. His over the top level of exasperation was funny. “I like things that make me feel.”

Sebastian clapped his hands then rubbed them together, “I'm going to have to up my game.” He took a drink of his beer, shook out his arms, cracked his knuckles, and finally reached out and took my hand again.  “I'm going to stick with Rick Springfield's Jessie's Girl as my number one. Playing air guitar and singing into a hairbrush. Good times. I love eighties music so I'll add INXS. Love lots of their music, but if I have to pick one and conserve my choices I'll go with Disappear. Love song about how the right person can make all the problems disappear. And it's got a great beat you can dance to like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.”

“I'd pay money to see that.”

“The night is still young. Umm, number three. Sound of Silence. The Disturbed version. A classic made over. Could have been Careless Whisper, but they messed up the rhythm of the best part. I like it because it's familiar, but completely new. There's this group out of Vegas called Adelita's Way. Invincible is this high energy rock song. Never fails to get me up at the gym. Incidentally, it was also a WWE theme song and that was my fall back if acting didn't work out.” He hummed again and closed his eyes. A second later he was doing that thing with his tongue again. Must be him thinking. “And lastly, anything by Tool.”

I shook my head, “Nope.”

“I didn't think I'd get away with it. So I'll go for Puscifer and Rev 22:20.”

“Thought you said Tool.”

“Puscifer is one of Maynard's side gigs. It's got a line that say if I've got to sin to see her again then I'm gonna lie lie lie. Straight up sacrilegious filthy sex music. Intense too, so you might like it.”

“Your going to use that against me forever, aren't you?”

He nodded, “But you've got Jessie's Girl.”

[reverin-stories]

                                                       LOST FRIEND

Ryan, a lean, bearded man, in his early forties is a restaurant owner. He is quite reserved, and you seldom see him frolicking around. He lives with his wife about two blocks away from his restaurant. He lives a simple life and has never had any disregards with any of his neighbours. His wife, Lily, is a sweet woman and is as old as Ryan. On a quiet Thursday morning, Ryan got ready for the day and headed to his restaurant. He usually takes his car, but he felt like taking a walk today. It was a beautiful sunny day. Ryan barely looks at people who cross him. His eyes usually track the ground, and he walks a walk which cannot be considered a mild jog, but it’s almost that. Within five minutes, the shutter of the restaurant is raised open by Ryan. He took the letters which were delivered yesterday and was placed in his table and chair near the cash counter where he sits the whole day and looks about the whole premises. It was 10 am, and the restaurant was brimming with hungry customers. It was a busy day. The business was going excellently and he is having a profitable day. But Ryan doesn’t seem to be happy. But he doesn’t seem to be unhappy as well. Well, it is quite difficult to understand his feelings with his plain non-reactive face. He has always been like this. He only speaks when needed, only goes out when needed and barely takes any effort making any friendly relationship with his customers. But nobody will find him disagreeable.

 Near about 12 the restaurant simmers down on the incoming customers. Around this time he heads out to his home. He always has his lunch with his wife.  After lunch, he took his car keys to drive to the restaurant, but when he reached the car door, he changed his mind and started walking. The weather was still fine. And a two-block walking won’t be very tiring. The streets were scarcer than in the morning. He began to notice things he didn’t while walking in the morning. A new shoe shop has been opened very near to his house. He suddenly remembered that his wife was asking him to take her for some shoe shopping. He was reluctant as the shoe shop where they usually shop is far, and he was in no mood to spend an hour or two in shoe shopping. He decided he will take lily to the new shop to avoid travelling far. He was making up his mind for Friday or Saturday because he knows he won’t like to leave the house on Sunday even if there is a national emergency. While his mind was engaged in planning for the upcoming endeavour for shoe hunting, someone softly called his name.

“Ryan?” asked Joseph.

 Ryan turned back without stopping his walk because he felt there is no way someone will call him on this lonely afternoon.

Joseph’s eyes proved Ryan to be mistaken about his anonymity to streetwalkers. Ryan was looked at with teary and surprised eyes of Joseph. He couldn’t recognise who it was, and due to his innate indecisiveness, he slowed his pacing and looked back at Joseph to bring any clue to his mind.

“Ryan, is that you?” Asked Joseph again

“Yes, my name is Ryan” he replied.

My holy grace what a miracle is this? But I can’t believe it. How can it be? How come you are here? Of course, I am happy but how is it possible. How?….why? Oh god. Tell me everything.

“I apologise I don’t think I recognise you, sir,” said Ryan politely to the agitated man.

Well, why? It’s Joseph, your childhood friend. It’s me, Joe. Don’t you remember?

 Ryan’s heart skipped a beat. He recognised him now. Though he is not the same athletic boy he used to be, but Ryan did recognise his best friend Joe through the bearded face and huge belly.

Ryan smiled and said, “Joe, it’s you”.

“Well, of course, it’s me. It’s your dear pal. But it’s hurting me. Please tell me how come you are here. We thought we lost you. But here you are walking as healthy as a young lad.”

Ryan felt he is exaggerating but still felt a warm feeling across his heart even though it could have been an awkward experience for him.

 “I am not able to believe my eyes. Who would have thought….” a long hysterical laugh left Josephs mouth… “who would have thought I would see you here in this unknown city.”

Reality sunk into Ryan’s heart when he visualised how he left his home town twenty years ago after his parents died and never went again even a single time. Now witnessing Joe in front of him his young days are gushing into his mind.

“Well I am in front of you” smiled Ryan.

Suddenly Joseph grabbed both of his arms and pulled him closer while saying “yes you are in front of me, In front of my eyes. And I can’t believe my eyes. I can touch you. You are real.” Few words were spoken by Joseph, which was something between mumbling and coughing.

Ryan went back to his reserved self again and felt uncomfortable with the embrace. It’s true that it’s not a usual event when you meet your friend after two decades, but he never enjoyed this kind of emotional eruptions.

Ryan said, “well people come and go out of our lives; it’s not very um.. unlikely.”

“Unlikely?  Well, yes. But it’s impossible to jump out of the grave like this. Joseph grabbed Ryan tighter.

Ryan wasn’t comfortable with Joseph choice of words and wondered if the reaction which is now clenching his arms are not only of a long lost friend.

“What are you trying to say?” asked Ryan

Well, you were dead. Lifeless as an autumn leaf. And now you are standing in front of me. Walking, breathing and all.

Ryan stared at Joseph for a long time. For how long he doesn’t know. With a thick mist in his mind, he asked Joseph to follow him to his restaurant.

After sitting himself next to him in an empty table, he asked the waiter to bring two cups of coffee, he never had coffee after lunch. But he thought he needed one.

“I don’t know what prompted you to think I was dead, but as you can see, it’s not true. I understand I left without a word 21 years ago and never contacted or revisited ever since. But you misunderstood things. Said Ryan while looking at Joseph frowning with a smile.

21 years? What are you talking about?

You know what I am talking about. When my father died, and I had nothing left in my mind and my heart.

Yes, but you came back. And you know how happy we were.

Who came back Ryan arched forward to Joseph

“You did”. Joseph opened both of his palm towards Ryan.

“I never came back. I lived in this city for 21 years. It’s been so long I almost forgot who I was before coming here. I met Lily fell in love and got married and been in the same spot for two decades and I don’t regret a minute of it. This is what I like. This is where I feel comfortable.

Who on earth is Lily?

My wife. Lily. We can go and meet her this evening. She has never met any of my relatives.

Joseph’s mouth and eyes were wide open.

Then what about Helen?

Helen who? And what about her?

Your dead wife Helen. With whom you been living for 18 years.

Ryan’s throat went dry. He took a sip of coffee which just arrived. It gave them both a minute to recollect their mind. However, both of them were lost.

Finally, Joseph spoke. You are Ryan Holit, right? Because I feel to be mistaken.

“I am Ryan Holit, Joseph, your best friend. We both went to school together. I know you. I am not mistaken.” He held Joseph’s hand. “Although the things you are saying makes no sense to me. I am sorry that I am asking this but were you drinking too much to imagine unimaginable things. Because if you thought I was dead for some reason, it’s understandable because I was never seen for years. But how can you have this wrong idea of me being married and.”

Joseph snatched his hands from Ryan and cut his sentence. You died in front of my eyes. I buried you. I buried you right next to your wife.

“You are out of your mind. I will take you to my wife this moment to show you that I have been very much alive this whole time”. Said Ryan.

Well, I would like to take you back home. And show you your own grave if you like to show you you have been dead all this while. And oh! How happy will be Tina to see you alive again.

You are married to Tina?

“Well, now you are being ridiculous”. Joseph said.” you were at the wedding as well”

Ryan remained silent. He was not at the wedding Things are getting more and more entangled.

 Ryan and Joseph reached home that day. Lily’s mind was out in the clouds for not understanding anything. She explained to Joseph that it is not true.

Several pictures were shown as proof for two decades of livelihood. Joseph watched, shaking his head left to right. 

“Well I see everything, and it seems true to the cell. But you should come with me. Well, you must come with me.”

Ryan refused. He said that he left the village for good. After some argument, he said “It doesn’t matter if people believe I am alive or dead. I am having a good life here and nothing will be changing anytime soon.

Lily tried to explain Ryan that he must revisit the place not only to look into the things but also that it’s been a long time since he left and rather it’s time to do the thing that is necessary. However, Ryan was adamant. He was not happy about this event taking a piece of his mind. Then after a lot of persuasive attempts, Ryan changed his mind. On Saturday morning, Ryan, along with Lily and Joseph, started to travel. They were on the bus when the memories of yesteryears came flooding into his mind.

Ryan was the only child of Mr and Mrs Holit. He loved them both dearly. But unfortunately, his mother passed away due to illness when he was merely ten years old. He lived with his father after that who had his farm. Both of them held the melancholy of losing the most important woman of their life. Ryan grew up dreaming of leaving the village and live in a faraway place where he won’t be as miserable as he is now.  When he was 16 years old, he started working as an assistant boy in a local mechanics shop. The only mechanics shop in the area. He enjoyed it. He liked to save the money and thought it would help him achieve his dream of carrying out life elsewhere. His father never asked for money from him. He was just a shy little man, a sweet soul. When Ryan was 21 years old, his father passed away. He felt empty. His days after his father’s demise was so bitter that he couldn’t take it anymore. He found he had enough money to start a new life. He started to hate the place where he lived. He knew if he tells anyone about his plan, they will forbid them to do so. So he left without a word to anyone. He worked in a mechanic shop in the city for five years and met Lily, who used to run her father’s restaurant. They both fell in love and got married.  After that, Ryan left his job as a mechanic and helped Lily in working in the restaurant. He lived happily and peacefully after that. He found a good life partner. And life was good. Until now.

Ryan was woken up by Lily as they were approaching the village. Ryan’s heart was racing fast. He never liked that feeling. The bus stopped, and they all stepped out. Ryan was now thinking if he mistook Joseph for his friend and there might be a possibility that he took him for wrong Ryan because this is certainly not the village he lived in several years ago.everything is changed now. Joseph marched forward with occasional turning back to see if the couple is following him. There were joy and excitement in Joseph’s eyes. “Why are there so many people here? Whose houses are these?” Ryan wondered. Someone looked at Ryan with confusion. Ryan doesn’t know him. On the way, he heard many gasping. Everything seems so strange. Then they took a turn and saw Josephs house and all the memories slid into his eyes like melting ice cream. Now he recognised the path. He was astonished at how much his village has been changed.

 Joseph shouted his wife’s name out aloud even before reaching the doorstep. His wife stepped outside with their son. His wife couldn’t move. Josephs 7-year-old son ran and grabbed Ryan by his legs. He smiled but didn’t say anything. “Please come inside,” said Joseph.

They sat down and talked for a while. Then Joseph asked Ryan to go to his house, Ryan hesitated. When they came outside a couple of neighbours were peeking in to believe what they heard.

They arrived at the house. And found the evidence of living. Ryan thought it couldn’t be possible. But the evidence suggests that someone named Ryan lived here. Ryan came outside. Debora took his hands and laughed. “I can’t believe it.” Said Debora.  “Me neither.” Said Ryan. Debora was Ryan’s neighbour and a very good friend of his mother. He knew her very well. Ryan took Debora hand and told her that he never turned back ever since his parents died. Debora scrunched her face in disbelief. “Please tell me about the day I came back.” Requested Ryan. ” You came back after three days. I do remember you were sleeping in front of my house in the morning. I gave you food and asked to live in my house for a while because I thought it’s not good for you to live alone and it will prompt you to run away again. You agreed. You barely spoke to anyone. And then you went to your house after I guess four days. You were very silent for many months, and we thought you were in shock.

“Well, it wasn’t me.” Declared Ryan

“Does that mean, it was someone else?” Debora asked

 “I think so,” said Ryan

“It was someone else. With your face. You know I think that, too,” said Joseph. “I see it now.”

“What do you see?” asked Ryan

“Well I remember Ryan or that the person I don’t know his real name whoever he was, well one day I asked him about the time your teeth fell out, and he said I know it hurt a lot and placed his palm on his cheeks. But it was your front teeth that had fallen. I thought you didn’t remember and it was when you were five years old, but we retold that story multiple time, and it was not an incident to be forgotten”.

“Well, I remember falling losing both of my front teeth in the creek. I remember the blood,” said Ryan

 Joseph threw his hands upwards.” It is you. He was not you. What on earth is happening? I lived with a total stranger for so many years”.

Yes, we did find something is peculiar in your behaviour after your father’s death. But we thought you were in shock. We wanted to be gentle with you or whoever he was and never asked any questions.

 So all is done. Ryan ran away and lived a peaceful life. When someone with the same face, and probably with no home took the opportunity to live Ryan’s life. The real Ryan lived a peaceful life in a city just as he wished  While the other Ryan lived here and carried out the responsibility of good friend and neighbour. In the end, Joseph said that the other Ryan is no more but he has been a good friend all along, and he also loved him as dearly as he would have loved his real friend Ryan. Joseph truly felt his death is still heartbreaking, but he happy that they found the real old Ryan.

Ryan said he couldn’t give up everything in the city and come back to the village.

He is comfortable there. So Joseph, with a heavy heart, took them to the bus stop. Ryan promised that they would visit often.

Joseph hugged them both and waved at them happily with tears in his eyes as the bus moved forward.

“Even though it was a chaotic day but I don’t know it feels like some kind of a heavy burden has been lifted off of my chest,” said Lily.

“Yes, that is true. Whatever it was, it made me come back to where I belong.” Ryan replied.

Ryan smiled and closed his eyes to enjoy a four-hour sleep to the way home.