#he thinks he's ugly and old and unlovable BUT he likes to write and draw

[arthursfuckinghat]

They really made a character like Arthur Morgan and not only gave him crippling self esteem issues, but they gave him confidence so low that he doesn't share his passions with anyone ever.

Like what do you mean Arthur loves to write but thinks he writes like a fool?

What do you mean Arthur loves to draw and is really talented but he doesn't see it that way?

What do you mean Arthur loves the smaller things in life but doesn't feel like he's deserving of good things?

What do you mean there was a whole different side to Arthur that the people he cared about rarely got to see?

What do you mean he lived and died with parts of his life tucked away tight in the pages of the journal that only one other person has ever been able to read?

What a tragedy.

[ls-daydreams]

Forget-Me-Not Intro

A suicidal reporter becomes the object of a serial killer's affections.

DETAILS: genre — thriller, romance // themes — grief, peculiar love, beauty in ugliness // status — finished // medium — film // wordcount — 25k words // warnings — murder, suicide, death, blood, panic attacks, cutting

READ HERE

Story Tag | Playlist - Spotify | Playlist - Youtube

Summary, Characters & More Info under the cut

SUMMARY: Haunted by never-ending tragedies, reporter Seo Joon decides to end his life in an almost derelict bath house. It's there he runs into a pair of odd strangers who force him to pick a side when they get into a violent fight, Seo Joon accidentally ending up killing one to save the other. A connection immediately forms between Seo Joon and the rescued stranger, Yul, who convinces the former to put off his initial plans.

It's only the next morning that Seo Joon learns two things: Yul is a photographer working for the police, and the man they killed was completely certain Yul was a serial killer trying to claim him as the next victim.

CHARACTERS:

Kang Seo Joon: Lonely and alone, Seo Joon struggles to make a life for himself after succumbing into a deep depression. Drawing no satisfaction from his repetitive job, drowning in grief, and haunted by the perception that he is unlovable, he is close to surrendering to his dark thoughts when he meets Yul.

Choi Yul: A seasoned photographer with a murky past, Yul is a deeply caring man trying (and failing) to alienate himself from people in order to protect them. Afraid of losing his loved ones, he immortalizes them in photographs, to keep them alive and by his side forever.

Kim Jiwon: An ambitious police officer who refuses to take things at face value, Jiwon carries her own deep grief after losing a family member in an accident for which she blames herself. Now haunted by a strange phobia and overlooked by her peers, she is forced to choose between staying loyal to an old friend or helping a charming newcomer.

Lee Kibum: A kooky private investigator who shares a past with Yul, Kibum sticks out like a sore thumb and loves it. Never still and always cheerful, he hides a dangerous and obsessive persona behind silly pretenses and an overwhelming friendliness.

Yong Sanghyuk: A troubled, vengeful man still feeling his brother's loss even after decades. Driven only by grief and rage, he carelessly throws away his life in his pursuit for revenge, managing to come only seconds away from achieving his goal.

MORE INFO:

The Inspiration & Idea: Originally titled Focus, this story served as my final major project for my Bachelor's. Having fought to write this idea (which was called too ambitious and hard to write at the time), it was all I could think about for months, and championing it proved to be the best decision I could possibly make. Inspired - again - mainly by Taemin's work, the story kept evolving throughout the years, and I with it. I wanted to explore the idea of grief and how different people experience and live with it, as well as discussing odd and intricate bonds between people who, despite being alienated from the world, understand each other perfectly.

The Feedback: This is my most successful story to date, having won Blue Cat's Fellini Award in 2020 and Best Dialogue & Best Characters at the 2021 Plot Point Awards, as well as placing as a quarterfinalist in Final Draft's 2020 Big Break Contest and semifinalist in Screencraft's 2020 Drama Competition. I was also a semifinalist for the Academy Nicholl Fellowship in 2020, which is still quite surreal.

The Extended Universe: I wrote two companion pieces to this:

1. Snapshots, a mock-up of Yul's photo album from the film. The idea would be to scan codes on the back of the photos, which would take you to a diary entry, a video, or a letter exploring that certain period in Yul's life. It goes from his childhood all the way to the night he meets Seo Joon.

2. To My Star, a transmedia experience in the form of a love letter Seo Joon writes to Yul. This letter is narrated, recorded, and played over a video containing photographs and articles from the film, as well as accompanied by physical elements such as Yul's origami rose and some of his polaroids. This piece was shown during the Underdog Scriptwriting Festival in 2019.

Both these pieces correlate to earlier drafts of the story, so I'm not making them public as they're riddled with inconsistencies. 

The universe of Forget-Me-Not also expands into both Metanoia and Flat 27, the action taking place in the same small town (Plain River)

[wof-reworked]

open invitation to talk about qinterwatcher? should've been our canon ot3 if tui wasn't a coward /hj

*crashing through the door* FUCK YEAH QINTERWATCHER HOURS, I'VE BREACHED CONTAINMENT BABEYYY

I used to think of Qinterwatcher as a bit of a cop-out (fandom has this weird tendency to create polyam ships not for the chemistry of the characters but just to avoid actually committing to a ship, with the added level of esp. when it's two male chars/one female char because they've heard or came to the conclusion that "ignoring female characters for mlm ships is bad" but still really ship the two men so just chuck her in there to feel better about it), but I kept thinking about it and I feel like the dynamic is incomplete without Moon???

Qinter was my first big ship in wings of fire, and I love it dearly and think it stands well on its own two feet tbh. Sometimes though I feel like Qinter works better in fanon that it does drawing strictly off canon??? Like Qibli and Winter have this sort of uncomfortable vibe sometimes of both of them hitting the other a little too close to home/both of them hurting the other person without realizing it. Moon feels like a needed middle ground of that, she sort of softens both of them in necessary ways that mean they can actually function as a unit and in return they take care of her too

Also like idk Moon deserves to get two boyfriends too !! like I talk shit abt her but like I think her and Qibli's dynamic is really sweet, and I think her and Winter, if Winter sorted out his shit, could have a really good dynamic as well. They were written to be in a love triangle, the writing for Moon/Qibli and Moon/Winter is already there. Like they hype her up so intensely and care abt her so much, they don't work with her individually but as a unit they work great.

Anyway I just think they work together so nicely !!! A little layered cake of dragons who love each other !!!! I just feel like their dynamic is two of them ganging up on the other to destroy them, either with love or with cruel mischief. I just think each combination of this ship works well and together they become one unstoppable unit. It's 3 dragons who have needed love piling it onto each other in spades because they don't want them to feel unloved ever again man ;0;

And like canonically they all admire the others so much,,,, I can't describe it any other way other than that scene in Howl's moving castle where they're in the flowers and Sophie describes herself as plain/ugly and without hesitation he's like "-But Sophie, you're beautiful," or w/e, like that specific brand of bewilderment, not trying to appease her or disagree with her but being completely taken aback that she even thinks that because it's so fundamentally wrong to him, like the reaction of someone being told gravity isn't real or the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. Like Sophie being beautiful is one of the core rules of reality. That's the Qinterwatcher dynamic babey !!!! Each of them has such a strange perception of themselves that is so entirely at odds with how the others perceive them, and they're just constantly cycling out who's Howl and who's Sophie.

But they also bring each other down to earth too !! None of them are like- scared of the others, if that makes sense?? Like part of what bugs me abt Cleril is the weird power dynamics at play- Clay is scared that if he does something wrong, Peril will do something dangerous (Winterwatcher also treads this line too tbh, again they'd have to sort this out for this ship to work, including in the context of Qinterwatcher). But like- Qibli has never been afraid to tell Winter his true feelings/thoughts, and vice versa. The same goes for Moon/Qibli too for that matter, heck, that's the whole resolution of darkness of dragons is Moon going "lol are you serious, no you're not a bad person you idiot" while Qibli looks guilty. And I think Moon does call out Winter when it's needed, like she's not some innocent wilting flower, she will defend herself and Winter needs that reminder that his actions have consequences and he's not actually that cool or better than anyone else. They check each other so well, and again that's why they need the others! Qibli and Moon together are able to tell off Winter, Qibli and Winter understand Moon/her problems, and Winter/Moon both stop Qibli from spiraling into himself. A necessary balancing act !!!

I just also can't stop picturing them sharing their interests with each other too like none of these dragons are neurotypical I'm sorry you'd better believe Winter and Qibli are there with Moon in the library reading a million weird old scrolls and having a competition on who can find the funniest, or Qibli and Moon bringing Winter food for his scavengers and providing what information they know.

[monobleamour]

he’s the one

A/N: so today in my e-class we spent like 2 hours trying to draw our names bc all of them are stupid enough not to understand how to do it😂meanwhile i started writing this at that time😁

summary: y/n unexpectedly bumps into her soulmate, Harry but let’s say things are not meant to be the way the are becoming, not after all this time.

pairing(s): harry styles x reader

word count: 2,617

What is love? How it affects you? Why it affects you? Why is it so hard to believe that you’re in love but so easy to fall? How do you know when you love someone? What makes you fall in love and what makes you fall out of love? Mostly, what’s the craziest thing you’d do for love?

It had been a while since she last loved. Being honest she was scared to fall in love in again. Once she felt love and peace in her lover’s hug, but then it faded. You can’t blame them for falling out of love with each other, you can’t control feelings after all. But the thing is, he left as soon as she fell.

She was scared, she really was. She was scared that she may try in her whole life to find someone, but never stay with them, because they weren’t as good as him. They weren’t Harry. But love means being happy if the other is happy, even if you’re not the reason why.

Harry loved her. He still does, just not the same way. He always felt her as her best friend, so he still does. When he and y/n broke up, they decided to remain friends, no hard feelings. He was glad he still had her into his life, he couldn’t imagine a life without her, his friend. 

There was a time he would look inside her eyes and see a bright future, with kids and a happy ending story. But this isn’t Disney, happy endings are for tales, the ugly truth is for life. Now he would look at her and see just his reflection.

The thing is that they never moved on in new ‘’stable’’ relationships. Yes, they held other people’s hands, but they still hold each other’s heart.

You never truly move on, once you love someone you can’t unlove them. Even if you convince yourself that you have, you haven’t. y/n knew it. She knew it when she started dating Harry. Somehow she saw the end before it even began, but she kept going closer to the end because she wanted to have a life remembering that once there was a guy that he really loved her. He loved her, just not enough to keep her.

She was just a girl. A shy, young woman. She was one of all these billions of women that exist, that he can want. But he chose her, he wanted her, he looked at her, he loved her.

Her.

She didn’t even know why she was thinking about it, it had been almost two years. It was a beautiful evening and she had to enjoy it. California was crowded with people so why the heck she still felt alone?

Who knows, maybe this time she will bump into someone who is not Harry, because that’s how they first met, so why couldn’t this happen again. Same story, different person.

She went for a walk, and she got bored because life wasn’t easy but either pretty. She looked at the sky and wondered ‘’if anything happens for a reason what is her goddamn reason?’’

And she kept looking up, until she felt coffee covering all of her. Was that the moment when she met someone new or just a person, a normal one.

‘‘I am so- I’m so sorry miss.’‘ he said, not looking at her but at the shirt.

Her shirt looked familiar in his eyes, and his voice sounded familiar in her ears.

‘‘Harry?’‘

But no, she wasn’t that lucky enough. 

Same old Harry, same old story, same old love.

‘‘Ugh- long time, no see huh?’‘ 

‘‘Well it’s not that easy being around someone..that you know’‘ she inhaled ‘‘..had a past together.’‘ she nodded.

‘‘Yeah. Right.’‘ he guilty, but really he didn’t have a reason to. Harry was a human being and he had the right to fall in love and fall out of it, even if it breaks someone’s heart. Sometimes the truth might make the others angry but at least it makes you free. ‘‘ugh’‘ he scratched his head and said ‘‘it was a pleasure to see you, y/n, i missed you.’‘

I missed you she thought, oh god, doesn’t he know that you have to mean the words you say, or at least when you say something make sure the both of you feel the same way so you don’t fuck ‘em up? ‘’Yeah, it’s been a while. Well see you around.’’ she smiled and just walked away. She walked away from him for the second time in her while.

As soon as y/n went home, she sat on her couch, rested her arms in her lap and covered her face with her palms. Honestly she didn’t know what to think. Seeing Harry after all this time was nice, she had missed him. And being honest she missed him every day since the day the broke up. Y/n always loved Harry. She will always love Harry and she is willing to take anything. 

But sometimes that isn’t enough, is it?

Harry loved her and he knew that was the begging and end of everything but he also knew true love stories don’t have happy endings. When he and y/n decided to break up he thought it would be easy, once he had convinced himself he didn’t love her anymore. But the truth was way too far.

When he realized, he wondered if it’s better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all, at least there would be no pain. Right away he wanted to find her, talk to her, say to her everything he never did and whatever she wanted to hear. But he was too selfish to say sorry and a little insecure to risk his own heart again.

But he also loved her. He broke her once, he wouldn’t let himself break her again because he wanted her. You are willing to take everything for the one person you love, everything, even they don’t feel the same way. You gotta adore them like it’s the only thing you’ll ever do.

The thing was that they were both scared.

y/n hated to imagine how her life is going to be without Harry. Her future without him waking up next to her and sleeping with her. The kids they’ll never have, they’ll never get to grow and say ‘’we made it’’ because actually they never made it. But she liked to think that her heart is going to love again.

On the other hand, Harry liked to imagine how his life would be if y/n was still there. His future with her waking up next to him and sleeping with him. The kids they’d have, the way they’d grow up and say ‘’we made it’’ because they’d made it. But he hated to think that his heart isn’t going to love again someone else.

Love is complicated, but being in love is difficult. If they both are willing then there’s a chance. But in the end it doesn’t matter how strong someone is, everyone’s heart is fragile. And the only reason the truth hurts it’s because we live in a society full of lies, but in the end there’s so much love out there. And the only way to find it is to accept it, because whatever we refuse to accept is what really haunt us. Like, love.

y/n thought she had broken Harry’s heart because he fell in love with the idea of her but not her, but only is she knew how tragic things were, once he broke his own heart.

A soft knock at her door distracted her thoughts. She didn’t want to open the door. Not because she was tired or something but because she knew who was. But she opened, like she always does.

And there he was standing right in front of her.

‘‘Hi.’‘ Harry says putting his hands in his pockets.

‘‘Hey.’‘ she replies resting her head in the door.

‘‘So?’‘ what the fuck was he saying ‘‘is everything alright?’‘ he really had no idea how to start a conversation. He was lost for words. Didn’t even know why.

‘‘Okay.’‘ she says letting out a small sigh ‘‘so you’re telling me that you came all the way here just to make sure i’m fine?’‘ she rolled her eyes ‘‘I’m not buying it Harry, I know you.’‘

She really knew him, and because of that she knew what he wanted to tell her. The words she had been waiting for so many months, but was she actually ready? She knew that whatever he decides to say this time, he’ll mean it. And she was afraid to hear the words, because words come out from the heart and not the brain.

But she was also afraid that she won’t hear the words she had been praying to listen to, all along. She wanted it to be him. She wanted it to be him so badly. But in the end not all the wishes come true, do they?

‘‘Did I fuck things up?’‘ he asked, but he already knew the answer.

‘‘Well.’‘ she started ‘‘mostly like everything but at least you found out.’‘ her innocent tone of voice mixed with the guilty actions (practically he didn’t do something bad but it hurt at the memory of losing her) of his, taken of her mouth, made a bittersweet result.

‘‘Sorry.’‘ he was still looking at her eyes, and really, it was aching a lot.

Sincerely, it had been a long time since he last told her he’s sorry, looking at her and making a huge mistake. But was this one a mistake? He had convinced himself that every time he looked at her he saw nothing, but he knew. He knew that he was lying to himself, because when he looked at her he could see everything he ever wanted. And now y/n was the one thing he wanted. 

Now, then and forever.

‘’It’s a little bit late for apologies, don’t you think so?’’ she actually wondered if this time he came to stay or just fix things and leave. But truly, you can’t fix something that is apparently broken. Even if you’re the one who did it.

She loved Harry, but when it came to him, she would become insecure. Because love means falling, and people are afraid of heights. And she doesn’t want him to let her down when he holds her.

He didn’t quite respond and she just let him in. In her house at least.

‘‘y/n you know that-’‘ he started but she quickly interrupted him by continuing herself the sentence 

‘’It was a big mistake and I never meant to hurt you.’’ she ironically smiled ‘‘well guess what Harry, you did.’‘ she was nothing but devastated.

‘‘Babe-’‘ did you just- yes he did.

‘‘You are not allowed to call me that anymore!’‘ she replied the fastest she had ever responded to someone.

 She felt her heart breaking. Again. And he was the reason why. Again.

‘‘When I told you I didn’t love you anymore I didn’t mean it. I had to do it because you deserved way better. I couldn’t be selfish at that, not when it came to you.’’ 

She wanted to punch him but really mentally she was into him and physically she felt over, over him. He broke her heart, then came and told her he didn’t mean to? She was confused.

‘‘No Harry you fucking meant it!’‘ and as his voice was still calm, she started yelling. ‘‘You told me I wasn’t enough and I should be better! You told me you didn’t love me. I would prefer to hear that you cheated or maybe did the worst thing, everything. I would prefer to hear everything rather than what you told me.’‘

‘‘You don’t know-’‘ she knew, but she hoped she didn’t.

‘‘The less I know the better, Harry.’‘ and her anger was reduced.

‘‘Y/n we were something. Together we’re more like everything.’‘ he just wanted her, just her, how difficult could it be?

‘‘Were nothing!’‘ she has to stop lying to herself.

‘’Well, the universe has existed for billions of years and by chance we ended up living at the same time? That counts for something.’‘

She hated it. She hated when he talked like that, making her feel loved. She wished she could hate him as much as she hated this.

‘‘It doesn’t work like that Harry!’‘ she was about to cry, she fell apart, mentally. She even asked herself why was she doin’ this and not just hug him till he makes her feel more loved than she has ever felt. Till he kisses every place that she’s aching and till they find their way out, together.

‘‘We’‘ and again ‘‘made something magical. But I knew you were way too bright for me, way too good. And I loved you so telling you the opposite of what I felt was the best thing for both of us.’‘

‘‘So if that was the best thing, why you came back? she needed the truth, the real one.

‘‘I was wrong and I’m sorry.’‘ of course he was, he always is, isn’t he? ‘‘but I couldn’t let you know the truth because you would come back to me and that would break me even more. That was the only thing I didn’t trust you at.’‘ he felt like something got off his chest.

‘‘You said you saw a future.’‘ 

‘‘And I did, I still do.’‘ was he getting her back? God, two whole years without her were only accompanied by pain.

‘‘Harry.’‘ she was calm because she knew this would end soon, they would end soon and she needed it to be done soon. ‘‘If you can’t trust me with a choice, how are you supposed to trust me with a child?’‘

Good question, bad timing, no answer.

‘‘You’‘ she continued, ‘‘you’re just not the same person I fell in love with. I loved you and I’ll always love you but we’re not who we were two years ago. And for sure we aren’t going to have the same thing we had back then.’‘ she felt peace in his wrecking hell.

‘‘No, no, no.’‘ his words slowly getting out of his mouth while he was trying to apologize.

‘‘I hope you find a way to be yourself someday.’‘ 10 words were everything it needed and everything they had was gone. ‘‘Maybe that day things won’t be that bad, for both of us. But till that day, I can’t risk it Harry.’‘

He didn’t even respond, because he knew what was she saying was the truth even though it hurt the hell out of him. She was right. And he was willing to do anything for her, but some more time maybe did well for both of ‘em.

And he left again, like he always does. She didn’t hear the words she wanted to hear, those 3 little simple words, but at least she felt alright. This time, she found herself. 

She really wanted him to be the one. 

He’s not the one, he’s just one.  

After all, true love stories don’t have happy endings.

But really, what is love? How it affects you? Why it affects you? Why is it so hard to believe that you’re in love but so easy to fall? How do you know when you love someone? What makes you fall in love and what makes you fall out of love? Mostly, what’s the craziest thing you’d do for love?

What’s the craziest thing you’d do for love? Push them away to find themselves, because once they’re happy, you’re happy.

[spn-samcasdean]

I hate you

This is my first fanfic, I’m still learning and hope my writings get better with time. This one was important to me, I had to get some feelings off my chest. I understand what its like living with Depression, severe anxiety among many other issues. If anyone ever needs to talk I’m here.

Summary: Y/N had been struggling with her inner demons for years, when an old friend makes a comment pushing her over the edge will Dean be able to help her through it

Pairings: DeanxReader

Warnings: Anxiety, Depression, self hate, a hint of fluff, and some angst 

It’s 2 AM and your standing outside the bunker, you’d held in your tears the whole way home, you can do it until you reach your room, just hold it in a little longer, same as usual hold yourself together until no one is watching, then let it all out and the next thing you know your wearing your brave face again. That's how it’s always been. You take a deep breath and slowly open the bunker door doing your best to be quiet and avoid any further social interactions, you’d had enough for one day. 

(A couple hours earlier)

You sat at a booth in the bar waiting to meet with a couple friends who were now married, leaving you once again the third wheel, the only person any of your friends knew that was still single. “Y/N” Hailey exclaimed, spotting you as she walked in with your other friend Matt, her new husband. “Hi,” you say, getting up to greet your friends. The three of you sat down and talked for a couple hours before as usual, you still being single became the new focus  of the conversation. You try to make a joke out of it, after all humor has always been how you cope, your defense mechanism. “Yep forever alone, maybe I will become the crazy dog lady” you say jokingly “Couldn’t be the crazy cat lady, cats creep me out” you giggle sipping your drink. But then Matt had to be his good old brutally honest self, which didn’t usually bother you, but this time, it hurt. “Yea I see you as always single, I never pictured you with someone, but you can always adopt a kid” he says sipping his drink. You felt your heart sink, were you really so bad that no one would ever want you, was all the horrible things you say to yourself on a daily basis actually true. You had always believed the voices in your head that said you weren't good enough, but for your friends to think that about you too, that hurt. But you bite your tongue and put on a brave face and go along with it, the negative thoughts swirl your brain bringing you back into the darkness once again. After another hour you called it a night said goodbye and drove back to the bunker, holding in all your emotions promising yourself you’d wait until you got to the comfort of your own room to cry, just in case the boys were still up, you didn’t want them to see your puffy eyes, so you would wait, just like you always did. 

(present time)

You close the bunker door softly. All the lights are off which means the boys are sleeping. “Good” you whisper to yourself. You make your way quietly to your room and lock the door behind you. Your room is simple, you had your closet, a full length mirror in the corner, a dresser, a desk and your bed. You sat on the corner of your bed looking at your own reflection. The negative thoughts swirled your brain as Matt’s words repeated over and over, until your own thoughts took over. You will never be good enough. Your friends don’t really like you. No one has ever or will ever love you. You're going to die alone. Your ugly, stupid, useless. The thoughts swirl your brain until you break. You sob into your hands finally looking away from your reflection, the image of the person you hated most… yourself. You felt anger and sadness take control. “I hate you” you whisper looking back up into your own eyes. “I hate you” you sob a little louder and suddenly you're on your feet again, still looking into your own pathetic eyes. Worthless. Useless. Unloved. Ugly. Stupid. “I hate you” you sob louder stepping close to your reflection. “I hate you” you yell, losing control, you punch your mirror shuddering the glass, you keep going “I hate you!” another punch thrown. “I fucking hate you” another punch, both hands covered in blood. Someone is knocking on the door but you don’t hear it, you’ve lost control. “I hate you!” you scream again still attacking the mirror destroying it more and more with every blow. “I fucking hate you” you scream, hot angry tears stain your cheeks. Suddenly someone is in your room, strong arms wrap around you dragging you away from the horror that is your shattered mirror stained with your own blood. You're dragged out of your room into the hallway, kicking and screaming, Dean turns you around and pulls you into a tight hug trapping your head against his chest. You squirm against his hold sobbing into his chest. You eventually stop resisting, and Dean sits in the hallway with you in his arms holding you tight against his body. You continue to sob into his chest clutching his shirt with your bloody hands. A few minutes later your calmer, and you suddenly hear Sam’s voice “Y/N, I need to pull the shards of glass from your hands, can you let me do that” he says in a soothing tone. You simply nod, your face still buried in Dean’s chest he continues to hold you close as Sam begins to pry your hands from Dean’s shirt to pull out all the glass. “I need to give you some stitches” Sam says a few moments later “Can I do that?” he asks still in a calm voice. Again all you can manage is a nod. As Sam cleans your cuts and stitches you up you feel Dean still holding you close drawing soothing circles on your back. And the next thing to know your eyelids feel heavy and you fall into unconsciousness. “Sam we need to call Cas” Dean says, picking you up and carrying you towards his room. Sam follows close behind “Do you know what happened?” Sam asks puzzled. Dean lays you down on his bed and pulls a blanket over you. “I heard her crying and suddenly she was yelling I hate you so I got worried and picked the lock, when I came in she was still screaming I hate you and attacking her mirror” Dean says still watching you as if he were to turn away you’d disappear. Finally he felt the strength to look at his brother, both boys were holding back tears. And suddenly with the familiar sound of wings Cas appeared beside you. “It’s gotten worse,” he says looking down at your resting body. “What do you mean?” Dean says concern and anger lining his tone. “Her depression” Cas says, tuning his attention to the boys. “I’ve always been able to see it because her soul is cloudy and doesn’t shine as bright, it's dull” he says looking between the boys. “And you never thought to say ‘hey guys by the way Y/N is suffering from depression maybe you should help her’ what the hell Cas!” Dean says as he feels his heart drop “It wasn’t my place, and it seemed to be getting better, but now” the angel says looking over at you then back to the boys “It’s bad, I can see it more than before, its as if there is a thick cloud covering her once bright soul” the angel says looking back to your tear stained face Castiel places two fingers on your forehead and heals your hands. “I suggest that someone is here when she wakes up.” Cas says, looking to the boys. “I’ll do it,” Dean says, grabbing his desk chair and pulling it up next to his bed where you lay unconscious. “Dean” Castiel says putting a hand on the older Winchester’s shoulder,” I’ve been in her mind, when I healed her,” he looks to Sam, and back to Dean “it's full of sadness and so much self hate, please help her” he says finally before the familiar sound of wings and he’s gone. “How could I not know Sammy, why didn’t she talk to us?” Dean says taking the seat by your right side. “Dean, she was obviously hurting badly, telling someone the horrible things you think about yourself is hard to do, especially when you feel you don’t deserve a shoulder to cry on” Sam says taking the chair on the opposite side of the bed. “How could I be so blind” Dean whispers. “She was good at hiding it” Sam says shrugging “Which means she's been like this for a long time, no one is that good at hiding it without practice” Sam says letting out a huff of air. “Sam what do I do” Dean says tears in his eyes “I knew how to help you because you talked to me and your my brother, I knew you better than anyone else but Y/N, we don’t know what's going on in her head what if she won’t let us help her” Dean says wiping away tears. “Talk to her,” Sam says, sighing as he gets up to exit the room

A few hours later your eyes flutter open and it all comes rushing back, all the events of last night before falling asleep. You feel your chest tighten and you start breathing heavily. An anxiety attack, you’ve had them before, but this one was bad, the boys had seen you, they saw you being weak, they’d surely think less of you. You start hyperventilating fighting for air. Until you hear his voice and then he comes into view Dean is grabbing you by the shoulders “breathe Y/N breathe for me, you need to calm down” He says wrapping you into a hug similar to the one from the night before, “breathe with me Y/N match my breathing” Clinging to his shirt you take in a deep breath, in and out. A few minutes later your calm and Dean releases you, “why didn’t you tell me?” He says looking to you, worry etched into his face. “Why didn’t you tell me you had depression.. that you were hurting, I could have helped you” he says, sadness in his tone. “I didn’t want to be a burden” you say looking down at your lap, you couldn't look in his sad eyes. “Y/N you are not a burden let me help you please” Dean practically begged. “I just...I hate myself so much, I have these voices, they tell me that I’m worthless, that no one loves me, and other terrible things, I just hate....” you swallow the lump in your throat “I just hate me” you say as a single tear falls from each eye, Dean instantly wipes them away with his calloused thumbs. “Y/N, I am so sorry I didn’t see it sooner, those things aren’t true, you shouldn’t hate yourself, your strong, smart, kind, beautiful, brave, your amazing Y/N, your the most amazing woman I’ve ever met” He says, his hands still cupping your face forcing you to look at him. “Please don’t lie to me Dean” you say letting more tears fall but Dean continues to wipe each one away gently “Your just saying that because you think you have to” you say rolling your eyes sniffling. “No Y/N I mean it, your the most amazing person I’ve ever known, I love you” he says still holding your head to look him in the eyes “I love you please believe me, those voices are wrong, listen to what i'm saying, you are not worthless, you are not a burden, you are not ugly, and you are worthy of being loved, please let me help you see it” he says as a single tear runs down his cheek. “I want to believe you, but I can’t just make it all go away at once, it's going to take time” you say looking into his eyes looking for any sign of dishonesty, but all you see in his eyes is honesty, love and a hint of sadness. “Then let me help you, please let me show you how wrong those voices are, you are worthy Y/N let me help you please. I want you to see yourself the way I see you.” He says, still searching your eyes for a hint of trust in the words he’s saying. “Okay” you say softly. “Okay?” he repeats, “Yea” you say with a small smile. “I love you so much,” he whispers, pulling you into a hug. “You mean that?” you ask as he releases you from the hug to look at you, “Of course, I’ve loved you since the day we met” he says searching your eyes for confirmation that you believe him. “I love you too Dean” you say with a soft smile, the next thing you know he’s cupping your face and brings his lips to yours, softly but passionately, you kiss back softly until you both pull away for air, he rests his forehead on yours. “I know this will be hard, but I know I can do this with your help” You say with a soft smile. “We can do this” he says in a whisper before pulling you in for another soft but passionate kiss, and in that moment you knew you would be okay, it would take time and you would need help, but it was going to be okay, eventually.

[scarfacemarston]

About John and Arthur

I’m really confused about why people are now saying that John and Arthur deserved to die? Like I agree they weren’t good people, but why are we kind of hating on them all the sudden? Like the whole point of the game is that these outlaws have a desire to become better people? Like Arthur is literally raised by an outlaw father who abuses him? His mother who was his only refuge but died young. Arthur knows this and is horrified that he is following in his father’s footsteps, but tries to avoid that.  John’s mother died at birth. His father abused the shit out of him and John is on his own at eight years old. Dutch and Hosea take them in. Some argue that they were manipulated into living that life. I think as adults they should have known better, but they felt like it was a Robin Hood thing. Yes, they were criminals and outlaws. That is true. Other than that, they literally didn’t know any other life, but they still wanted to try.   YOU the player chose whether you want Arthur and John to be evil. The canon ending is that they are both high honor. They never hurt women or children. They do hurt some men and definitely the law. Is it wrong? definitely. Arthur loved Mary whether you like her or not. Hosea and Dutch bring up that once they gave him a chance, he was a very obedient, shy and intelligent boy. Hosea brings this up constantly.  A boy who loves petting animals, a boy that picks flowers in remembrance of his dead mother. A boy that likes to draw and write. A man that cares for Jack Marston. Abigail Marston, mentors Tilly, Lenny, cares for Mary-Beth and every member of the gang. Love/Hates John and Sean. Hosea who wanted to get out of the gang . Most of them wanted to get out of that life.  Arthur, who has his heartbroken by the woman he loves. Arthur who helps John become a man and provide for his family. John, who likes to bark at dogs, cuddle with Abigail, have baby fever, helps Bonnie MacFarlane and Luisa because he can. John who is DESPERATE to leave his old life behind, but knows he doesn’t deserve it. Men who hate themselves. Think they are ugly and unlovable. Wants to raise Jack right.  Yes. They did bad things. So do all humans. Theirs is worse for sure!!!! Even if some of this stuff was for survival.  I don’t understand how people are so different now? Saying they deserved to die? I mean, one could argue that they couldn’t be redeemed without their death. That’s different The best part is, this is a fictional game. Let people enjoy the game and have a crush on their cowboys/cowgirls/cowpeople. Like they are loved for a reason. Because they are so relatable. Roger Clark, Rob Wiethoff , and the rest of the voice cast have both condemned and defended their characters’ actions. Showed them why they are human. 

[jackiestarsister]

Hadestown and Star Wars

It’s my habit to compare and draw parallels between different stories. Since Star Wars is heavily influenced by various myths, it makes sense for there to be many parallels with the characters and plots of Greek mythology, but I was surprised by how many parallels there are between Star Wars and a particular retelling, Hadestown. This is my attempt to write something like “meta” about it.

Note: I will be referencing various Star Wars characters and relationships. This is not intended to antagonize shippers of any particular couples.

Hadestown is about two couples from Greek mythology: Hades & Persephone, and Orpheus & Eurydice. Their journeys, both as couples and as individuals, are about the struggle to trust each other and the danger of neglecting, betraying, or abandoning each other. Hades does not trust Persephone to return to him; Eurydice does not trust Persephone and Orpheus to provide for her; Orpheus fails to support Eurydice, and then does not trust Hades to keep his word or himself to get Eurydice back to the land of the living.

Usually I try to match up all the characters in one story with all the characters in another story. For Star Wars and Hadestown, it’s not so easy, because the elements are shared by multiple characters in both stories.

Here is the strongest example of what I mean: I see elements of Rey’s personality in three of the major Hadestown characters. First, there is Eurydice, who is repeatedly described as “a hungry young girl.” Rey’s physical hunger is clear in her very first scenes, but it is other kinds of hunger--spiritual, social, emotional--that drive her throughout the films. She is also like Orpheus, poor, talented, optimistic, naive, hopeful, recalling old tales of epic love. Finally, she is like Persephone because of her affinity with nature, light, and life. Think of the flower in her home, her serenity on Takodana, and her perception of the cycle of life on Ahch-To.

Here is a general, thematic comparison: The musical’s version of the Underworld is Hadestown, basically a factory city ruled by Hades. While Persephone is all about nature, Hades is all about machinery. The Star Wars films are full of contrasts and conflicts between nature and man-made machinery. This is particularly noticeable during Rey and Kylo’s Force bond connections, when Rey is shown in natural settings on Ahch-To and Kylo is surrounded by machinery.

Specific songs seem fitting for certain characters:

~ “All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own, but now I want to hold you too” sounds like Padme toward Anakin, and Leia toward Han. Like Eurydice, the female politicians are very independent and initially brush off their future love interest’s suggestions of romance. Eventually though they develop and give in to their feelings.

~ “All I’ve Ever Known” and “Epic III” describe Orpheus as somehow recognizing Eurydice on their first meeting, as if they had always known each other. “ I knew you before we met .” “It was like she was someone you'd always known.” This is exactly like how Rey and Kylo seem to recognize each other though they have never, as far as we know, met before they ran into each other on Takodana.

~ At the end of “All I’ve Ever Known,” Eurydice asks Orpheus to hold her, something Padme and Leia also do with their respective husbands. The promises set up the tragic potential because they cannot control all the circumstances to keep them together.

~ In “Chant,” when Persephone sees the ugly industrial empire Hades built in her absence, she tells Hades “I don’t know you anymore,” to which he replied, “Everything I do, I do it for the love of you.” It’s almost verbatim what Padme and Anakin tell each other on Mustafar, which is itself a hellish landscape. The song also explains how the imbalance in the gods’ relationships is shaping the world around them, which is similar to how the Skywalker family’s drama shapes the galaxy. When the gods or Skywalkers--men and women, husbands and wives--are unable to trust, communicate, and understand each other, the world around them suffers as a result.

~ Hades inviting Eurydice to work for him in Hadestown is similar to Kylo offering to teach Rey and asking her to join him.

~ “Wait for Me” could apply to many situations in Star Wars, since many of the films feature one or more characters rushing to save others. Anakin actually tells Padme, “Wait for me.” More often, it is seen as what the Greeks called katabasis, the journey to the underworld. This stage of the hero’s journey comes up repeatedly in Star Wars. The song could fit Luke going to Bespin to save his friend; Leia going to Jabba’s palace to save Han; and Finn going to Starkiller to save Rey (which fits with Kylo being Hades).

~ “If It’s True” sounds like a song of the Rebellion, questioning authority and encouraging solidarity.

~ “Epic III” has what sounds like a fitting description of Anakin and Kylo, particularly after they ascend to the heights of their power as Darth Vader and the Supreme Leader respectively. Ultimately, Hades, Anakin, and Kylo’s quests for power are driven by their fear of loss and being unloved, and their desire for control.

The more he has, the more he holds The greater the weight of the world on his shoulders See how he labors beneath that load Afraid to look up, and afraid to let go So he keeps his head low, he keeps his back bending He's grown so afraid that he'll lose what he owns But what he doesn't know is that what he's defending Is already gone

[jessicanjpa]

"Give me a prompt and I will turn it in Edward's worst day" ok, here is one: It's Esme's birthday and Alice have decided to throw a party. I think this is a pretty happy setting, let's see how you manage to turn it into angst 👀 I love your writing btw!

This is a tough one… challenge accepted!

Maine, 1992

Edward POV

Telepathy had its uses. I was carrying a stack of boxes that piled more than a foot above my head as I followed Alice around the living room, but looking through her eyes made it easy enough.

“I still don’t understand why we’re doing this,” I said, mumbling into the cardboard mashed against my face.

Alice plucked another string of lights out of the top box wobbling above me. “Because it’s been far too long since this family had a party! Two inches closer, please.”

“No, it hasn’t. You threw Carlisle that Doctor of the Year bash in November.”

“Exactly! And what better reason to celebrate than our mother’s birthday?”

I snorted into the cardboard. “If you haven’t noticed, birthdays aren’t particularly meaningful around here.” I sighed as the world went black again. “Alice, would you please keep your eyes open so I can see?”

“Hold on.” The blackness swirled into color as she focused on a new vision. The colors gave way to a frothy swirl of white, polka-dotted by the glaring brightness of electric light. “Tulle!” Alice gasped, jumping off the ladder and landing in the hallway at a run. “Come on, help me find it! I know Rosalie packed it when we moved, it might be in that big trunk with the Christmas garlands…”

I shook my head and set the boxes down. When Alice got like this, it was best to just follow orders and keep your head down. Her visions were going a mile a minute by the time I met her in the attic. Tulle and twinkle lights, deep orange roses clustered in each corner of the ceiling—

“Good luck getting those in February,” I put in, only to be shushed.

They’d go perfectly with the wrapping paper, and they must be available somewhere, otherwise I wouldn’t have seen it, thank you very much.

“Hold on, what wrapping paper?” I asked. “We’re doing presents?”

She rolled her eyes and threw open the nearest steamer trunk. “It’s a birthday party, Edward.”

“What are you giving her?”

“I’ve had my eye on this darling pea coat that’s just right for her. Emmett’s out picking flowers, Rosalie already wrapped hers—oil paints and three new canvasses—hmm, maybe the canvasses should be from Jasper…”

I stood up, nearly bumping my head on the roof beams. “Why does everybody know about this but me?”

“Because you never come up for air when you’re at the piano these days. It’s not my fault you’re a lazy telepath.”

“What should I give her?”

Alice began pulling a length of sheer white cloth out of the trunk. “Ah, here it is!”

“Just tell me, Alice. What am I giving Esme?”

“Jewelry again. Only not that hideous turquoise brooch, if you please.”

Jasper came home soon afterward, relieving me from décor duty. I retreated to my room to pick out the jewelry. I wouldn’t be able to do this much longer, shelling out Elizabeth Masen’s heirlooms to my mother and sisters; there wasn’t much left. Besides the turquoise brooch, there was a pearl necklace in need of repair, the oval engagement ring, a bracelet with a little emerald flower charm, a few gaudy rings that would probably never be fashionable again, and a tangled pair of necklaces. I sat down on my leather couch and carefully began to pick at the knotted necklaces, studiously ignoring the shining diamond heart wedged in the corner of the jewelry box beneath them. It wouldn’t do to get wrapped up in that again.

Surely this wasn’t all that was left? The jewelry box was more than half empty now. Most of the pieces weren’t truly gone; I saw them occasionally, adoring the throats, wrists, and fingers of the women I dearly loved. But it was sad to see how little I had left. This jewelry was all that remained of my human mother, a woman that felt more distant with each passing year.

The truth was that I rarely thought about her anymore. It had all been thought, after all, a hundred times over. I had pored over the mismatched handful of memories, straining to finding more details… aching to remember more about the mother who had been so fully displaced in my heart by Esme. How long had it been since I had thought of her as “Mother”? She was Elizabeth Masen now, when I thought of her at all. “My human mother” sometimes, though how much of a compliment that was, I wasn’t sure.

How would she feel, if she knew how little I had left of her? How seldom I thought of her? One thing was crystal clear in my memory, and that was that I had been the center of her whole world. I was sure she had loved my father, but we had been kindred spirits in a way he could never have been a part of… at least that was the impression I seemed to remember. I had meant everything to her. It seemed wrong that I should repay that singular love so cheaply, to parcel out the last of her memories to the women who had taken her place in my heart.

.

.

.

Esme was quite surprised by her birthday party and enjoyed herself immensely. I gave her the necklace when my turn came, and I kissed her cheek like the others. I smiled and laughed when I was expected to. Parties were dull things without food, so Alice had decided that we should play charades and a board game that involved drawing instead of acting. Once the evening began to die down, I went upstairs, ready for the relative quiet of my own room.

With the cheerful buzz of everyone’s thoughts still ringing in my mind, I crossed the room to my bureau, digging under a stack of papers to unearth the framed picture. It had adorned my wall in past decades, but for reasons I didn’t care to dwell on, it tended to stay in a drawer these days. I stared into the unsmiling eyes of Elizabeth Masen, tracing the shape of her face with my fingers, but the picture was so unlike the vivacious woman I remembered. She looked as flat and lifeless as the man and half-grown boy beside her in the picture. With a sigh, I laid the picture frame face down and went to put the jewelry box away. It was lighter than ever now. I would certainly keep the engagement ring and the diamond heart for myself, leaving only the bracelet and the last necklace in good enough shape to give away. I would have to decide if I wanted to.

What was the matter with me? I should be grateful to have inherited such a rich collection… that Carlisle had thought to save it for me. I should be grateful that I had a mother and sisters, such as they were, to give them to. It would be a shame to let those memories stay tangled and forgotten in box, unwanted and unloved.

But an ancient rebellion stirred in my chest nonetheless—one I’d not felt in a long, long time. I loved Esme so very much, and her mothering had meant the world to me over the years, but it had been hard for me that first year. Accepting her new role as my mother had felt like a betrayal of sorts at the time, despite my happiness for her and Carlisle. In a few private, ugly moments, I had, in my heart of hearts, accused Esme of usurping my mother’s place—of daring to put herself on the throne of my heart, to say nothing of stealing away Carlisle’s attention. I had laid those shameful thoughts to rest on the day I had given her the first piece out the collection: a necklace, strikingly similar to the one I had given her today. And yet here I was, some part of me wanting to take back all those loving gifts… angry all over again at how one mother had so completely overshadowed the other. Ironic.

“Now there’s something I haven’t seen in a long time.”

I whirled around to face Esme, flushed with guilt over what I had been thinking. I followed her gaze down to the jewelry box in my hands; I had been standing frozen in the middle of the room, unable to put it away.

“Did you enjoy your party?” I asked her, going into my closet to finish the task.

“Very much.” When I came back out into the room, she was standing at my bureau, studying the old picture. She tilted the picture to examine it from another angle, wrinkling her brow. “It’s not a very good picture, is it?”

A surge of protective anger rose and fell in record time. Esme was an accomplished photographer now; it was only natural for her to critique these kinds of things. “I suppose not,” I said drily, reaching to take the frame out of her hands.

She pulled it away again, laying her fingers on the image of Elizabeth Masen as I had done earlier. “I know it was the style at the time, and shutter speeds were so slow… but doesn’t do her justice at all. At least not from what you’ve told me of her.”

She looked up at me with such a soft, generous love in her eyes that all the cruel thoughts were instantly washed away. How could I begrudge her the place in my heart that was rightfully hers now? How could I be so selfish as to think of snatching back the most meaningful gifts I had ever given her, just so I could hoard them in a dusty box?

Esme laid a gentle hand on my arm. “Edward? What is it?” I shook my head, unable to speak for the moment. Her other hand crept up to her necklace, fingering the delicate chain in worry. “This was your hers, wasn’t it?” I nodded. “Is it very hard for you to think about her, even now? You could have it back, of course…” She moved to undo the clasp behind her neck.

“No, don’t.” I stopped her, reaching up instead to adjust the necklace so that it lay in perfect symmetry. I fiddled with it longer than necessary, finally drawing my mother close in a crushing hug of silent apology. She had been the victim of so much cruelty in her first life; the least I could do was protect her from the inhuman jealousy that plagued me in odd moments like this. It was a poor excuse, but it sounded far more gallant than cowardice. I closed my eyes against the soft caramel waves of her hair, smothering her so tightly it would certainly have broken a human.

Edward, I’m so very sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset… I wish I could have known her. She must have been such a wonderful person.

“You’re both wonderful people.”

“And you are the kindest, most thoughtful son a mother could ever hope for,” she said firmly, holding me out at arm’s length to look up at me again. “And you know I’ve never wanted to replace her, don’t you?”

“I know. It’s just… I have so little of her left. And like you said, the picture is so unlike her.”

“Well… why don’t you let me try?”

“What?”

She picked the picture back up, studying it again. “Let me try to paint her portrait. This is a starting place, after all; surely with your memories and a little imagination, we could improve upon it quite a bit.”

“I would like that very much. Esme… you’re a wonder. One I don’t deserve.”

She shook her head, reaching up to touch my cheek. “You deserve every kind of love this world can give you. Someday…” Her thoughts trailed off into the familiar image: the usual imaginary girl with a nondescript face, sitting next to me on the piano bench and watching me with adoring eyes as I played.

“Yes, someday,” I said dutifully, giving her the teasing grin she liked most. As she turned to go, I gave her another kiss on her cheek. “Happy Birthday, Mom.”

[oceangl1tter]

hide in a clavicle

Past.

water://

Okay talking honestly without bullshit even though shit’s really cheesy and I’m writing this in the car as we drive to San Diego.

Going to the beach with /  was a lot of fun. A lot of fun that I haven’t had in a long time. Actually, I think it’s the most fun I’ve had at the beach. We sit on this ledge peering out and I’m worrying about her mom somehow also being at the beach. I’m a bit paranoid. I sneak a quick kiss. It feels nice even though I got bit on the face by some bug and she got away scott-free (somehow). We go down to the beach and the waves and I chase her in the sand playing tag like we’re 5. She makes me laugh : _). Even though she’s running very hard she doesn’t go anywhere at all! Hahahaha. It’s the first time I’ve seen her express herself with her body and the space she occupies. I splosh mud on her feet and she does the same to me >:PP. We also pitch our shack/hut real estate to this random Asian lady with a nice hat on. She stares at it for a good minute or two and we’r ejust like ?? She then tells us for our real estate company that we need a name/business card people can identify us as. I can’t really tell if she’s actually serious or playing along with our joke. / also draws a maze with me!! She also spins in a circle with a stick with me. She rolls up her pants and gets in the water! It splashes her. It’s really cold! We race across the side of the waves. I wonder if other people can see us like this. What they think. How could anyone hate this? She listens to me rant about speech and debate. She tells me about high school. I lay on her lap. I forget about thinking about what others can see/can think. Now I’m a bit self-conscious being so close to her..but she pats my hair. 

ears wet://

that day we sat 

with nothing and everything to say i felt

the breaking begin to break

firsts://

a stone visitor

propped up with all its might

, toppled   

by kids that still have

their eyes

intact

off the floor

i am careful to fill

the vase i placed in your heart

being imperfect together://

some research

-you like because and you love despite

-attraction is based on what you see, infatuation is based on what you feel, but real love is based on what you know.

eclipse, i didn’t lose it://

today i got really sad because i think i lost the white sparkly clip /// bought for me at jtown :( i also can't find my wallet :( i just lose so many fucking things i know she would flip if she found out and she already knows i have a tendency to be careless

dreams:// ———- There's a projection on the screen and my family is surrounding it showing a video of me standing on the edge of a pier walkway (the wooden ones that lead into a murky lake). There is a gap and then another plank of wood slightly off screen. I chant in a quirky sing-song voice: "I'm standing on the edge, I'm standing on the edge, I'm standing on the edge before I jump and do a sort of Ophelia pose into the water while singing and I fall into the lake. As we watch this video, my mom and sisters begin laughing. I'm laughing as well and I say that I could pee from the laughter.

---.

There are strange messages on napkins that only a child is able to decipher. The child is outside watching in on the party. An old man with a knife steals the child away. He comes in the room full of people and tries to stab my eye. I am short, small, maybe, and I push through people but no one seems to notice or stop him. I try to lose him through the crowd but he ends up catching me. I try to twist the wrist holding the knife but I'm scared of harming his wrist and breaking it. He scrapes my cheek with the knife and then

E and I uber home (in a linear fashion, I'm guessing from the party), another car is next to us. I tell them we could have just shared one to save money. I tell E to hurry up because the streets of Davis are getting more dangerous. I hurry into my house. My sister and aunt's car are here meaning they are home. The door is unlocked so I go in. My sister comes out of the room in the dining room as if half-asleep. I am upset and ask why she didn't lock the door. I get a text from ___ saying that M has a funny accent. I wonder how she knows what M sounds like. I figure it might be from the rap I linked her. I tell M and D and others that someone tried to stab at my eye. They say it doesn't even look like I was stabbed. They're right. I appear to have no bodily injuries. Someone tries to unlock the backdoor but they are strugggling. It feels as if the house is tipping over. Friends rush behind the couch. I tell them it must be my dad but I notice that his phone is home and is ringing. I try to lock the midsection door sectioning off the kitchen room and the living room we're in. It does not lock. I go back in my room to get my phone that I left after texting ___ and I hide behind the couch. I figured jumping this person with multiple people would be better than hiding and locking my room by myself.

I wake up and my right wrist is sore.

---.

In this one someone shoots an arrow and hits a baby I know is me. I feel like I trespassed some dream rule because I didn’t wake up before contact.

secret://

To be honest, I feel fundamentally unloved. When I'm next to you, I feel unloved. I feel the most unloved I've ever been. In the middle of the night, when you are asleep, small twitches touch my skin. I creep my hand into yours. I think you are asleep but you take it anyways. I think to myself, I think: Someone actually (...)

and shelter becomes a blister://

It's christmas and peak sad gorl hours. Where does the hurt go? I feel that this may be what loss feels like. I guess I have been feeling at a loss for a long period of time. I have nothing eloquent to say anymore. I feel hopeless yea feel like my eyes are really dry and my face is all droopy just feel down just feel sad real sad i comfort myself & hug myself & love myself i wihs ic ould hug /// but the separation might be too strong @ this point that maybe its not possible anymore she told me what i needed to hear anyway i didnt believe i really didnt until that call and my heart is tired of beating itself up and im tired of feeling like a slouch ev enthough its all very heavy i am trying my very best to be good and positive but i know it takes time to mend this for myself and i would have fought for it thorugh the ugliness but i am doing it alone now and i wont stop the fight but i wish she could have come along idk just feel kidn of bad im alone but thats ok bc im not rly alone even though i may feel like it there r many ppl that care for me i need to care for me too so that i feel cared for by the person that amtters the most which is myself! !! myself! me!! me!! mysefl!! care for me too ! i care for me ok time to sleep

[hermanwatts]

SUPERVERSIVE: A Look at Slice of Life

Slice of life was never my favorite genre, but there are a surprisingly large number of excellent slice of life anime out there, some of them among my favorite shows of all time. Below I’ll highlight some of the best.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 4: Diamond is Unbreakable

Yes, this is slice of life and no, I’m not being ironic. Diamond is Unbreakable is the fourth part of the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Saga. This time around our protagonist is Josuke Higashikata. Josuke is a typical Japanese high school student living with his single mother in the seemingly quiet town of Morioh. He’s popular with the girls, has great hair, and is generally a pretty swell, if goofy and a little mischievous, guy.

  Naturally, nothing is as it seems. It turns out Josuke is the son of Joseph Joestar, the protagonist of JoJo’s part 2. He has the Stand ability Crazy Diamond, which has the power to break apart and repair whatever it can punch. And not everything in the little town of Morioh is quite as quiet as it seems. In fact, you might say it’s all a little bizarre…

JoJo’s tends to tackle a different genre every part, and while slice of life isn’t the first thing you think of when you think of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, it is a surprisingly effective fit. The cast of part 4 is the most likable of all the JoJo casts, and this is in no small part due to the time we spend seeing them hang out and go on their weekly adventures. Despite having a spectacular villain in Yoshikage Kira (whose episodes are admittedly the best parts of the show), it’s that slice of life, teenagers-just-messing-around vibe that makes part 4 feel so unique. Of course, it helps that part 4 also has some of the coolest Stand battles in the entire series as well. Highly recommended.

Ancient Magus Bride

Chise Hatori is a sixteen year old Japanese girl who has totally given up on life. Unloved, unwanted, and alone, she makes the decision to sell herself into slavery, under the theory that at least the person who buys her would want her around.

At the auction she is bought for an enormous sum of money by a mysterious mage with a…cow?…horse?…skull in place of a head. The mage, Elias, is hundreds of years old, and after giving Chise a home in Britain and treating her with kindness, he tells her his true motive: To make her his apprentice and, one day, his bride.

“Ancient Magus Bride” is an utterly gorgeous show, both visually and musically, with one of my all-time favorite soundtracks – “Here” has to be one of the greatest OP songs of all time. It is impossible to listen to it and not understand the sort of show you’re about to see, to get a sense of the otherworldly fantasy that makes up its heart.

And heart is the name of the game. “Ancient Magus Bride” is full of heart. It takes its time, building up the unusual relationship between Chise and Elias and expanding its world. Luckily, both Chise and Elias – especially Elias – are compelling and fascinating characters.

But it’s no secret that the true draw of Ancienct Magus Bride is its setting. “Ancient Magus Bride” technically takes place in the modern day but feels timeless. The way it captures the world of fairies and magic is dead-on perfect: Dangerous, mysterious, and inhuman, but beautiful too. The rules are never fully explained but it all makes an intuitive sort of sense: This is just how magic works.

In its second half the show drops in quality a bit, but it’s nothing extreme – certainly not a “Death Note” level collapse. In fact I wouldn’t call it a collapse at all. It remains high quality until the end, though I have a big issue with a writing decision made in the finale. But that’s ultimately a small part of what is overall a fantastic, and highly superversive, show. VERY much recommended.

Dennou Coil

Dennou Coil follows the daily lives of a group of children who live in the fictional city of Daikoku. The children have adventures and navigate school and relationships. Nothing special. Your typical kid show….with one difference.

“Dennou Coil” takes place in a cyberpunk future where special glasses overlay a virtual world on top of the real one. The virtual world has realistic animal AI and is incredibly tactile, seemingly a part of the landscape as much as physical objects. Hacking is illegal, but in the kids’ world, hackers are at the top of the social totem pole. And maybe there’s more to the virtual world than meets the eye. Maybe it’s not so virtual after all…

Ah, I love “Dennou Coil”. It’s absolutely fantastic, up there with my very top tier of shows along with standouts like “Death Note”, “Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood”, and “Silver Spoon”, among others. The setting is one of the coolest I have EVER seen. “Ordinal Scale”, which also used this idea, didn’t do it justice. All of the ramifications, good and bad, of such a system are thoroughly explored.

The animation and art style are also top notch. I’ve seen comparisons to Ghibli but I think the style is closer to Mamoru Hasoda than anything Ghibli has done. It feels incredibly distinct, and very fun to look at.

At the risk of sounding kind of social justice-y I also like the fact that the main character isn’t your typical adorable moe girl. She isn’t ugly or anything like that, but she’s average looking and kind of nerdy. It’s a refreshing change.

The mystery that undergirds the plot is also fantastic. The episodes leading up to the finale get increasingly intense, reaching an explosive and incredibly superversive climax. This is more than a merely excellent show, but a transcendently brilliant one up there with the greatest anime of all time. I can’t recommend it enough.

Haibane Renmei

An giant egg pops up out of nowhere in a mysterious town called Glie. A girl, who is soon given the name Rakka, hatches from the egg, where she grows wings after hatching. The girl has no memories of her life before she ended up in the egg, yet is able to talk and function normally; all she can remember is a vague dream of falling.

We learn quickly that this is a normal occurrence in the town. The winged people – who are soon given halos as well – are known as the Haibane. They live in abandoned buildings and can take or use whatever items the regular humans leave behind. Despite this arrangement the humans treat the Haibane kindly, and the Haibane in turn work various jobs throughout the town, up until the day they take their “Day of Flight” and leave forever. Throughout the show Rakka slowly learns more about the origins and secrets of the Haibane and about her best friend, Reki, the oldest Haibane who hasn’t yet taken her Day of Flight.

That’s a long set up for a pretty high concept show, and to its credit the show takes advantage of that concept. “Haibane Renmei” starts off as a dreamlike and fascinating slice of life, but as the story goes on and some of the mysteries slowly get answers the bits and pieces add up into a sort of psychological mystery centering around Rakka and Reki.

It’s hard to say anything more about it, because what makes this show great – and it is great – is best experienced without knowing about it in advance. It is an in-depth exploration of the themes of redemption and forgiveness, ending with the conclusion that life really does have inherent value and meaning. The slice of life elements are interesting because the setting and concepts being explored are interesting, but what brings it to the next level is the nuance and intelligence with which it explores its themes and resolves its character arcs. Once again, this is very highly recommended.

Silver Spoon

I already wrote about “Silver Spoon” at length, so I’m keeping this short. “Silver Spoon” is the story of Hachiken, an extremely intelligent first year high schooler who succumbed to intense pressure from his overbearing father and bombed his entrance exams. At the recommendation of a counselor he makes the decision to go to an agricultural school, presumably to get a new perspective on life. And that’s the story. No fancy sci-fi or supernatural elements here.

Mostly what I want to do now is clarify something: I don’t think I made it clear enough that I REALLY loved this show. It’s so good, it shares an honor with “Magi” as being the only unfinished anime whose story I decided to continue through the manga (which is also fantastic and highly recommended – man I hope it gets a season 3 one day…).

The characters are fantastic, and it shares the theme from “Fullmetal Alchemist”, Arakawa’s other masterpiece, of exploring the value of life, this time through the food we eat. The soundtrack is gorgeous and it has some of my favorite tracks in anime, like “Hello Especially”, which somehow manages to have a Japanese-country twang to it. Like “Dennou Coil” before it, this is a slice of life that transcends the category of “Great”. It is among the best anime I’ve ever seen, and I can’t recommend it enough. Considering it’s me we’re talking about, you KNOW it has to be great at everything it does if I’m recommending it despite it having no real action, magic or gadgets. It really is THAT good.

Robotics;Notes

Robotics;Notes is the story of Kaito and Aki, two childhood friends, now in high school, who start a robotics club with the goal of building a giant robot of their own and winning a robotics competition. As the story unfolds a conspiracy is discovered involving the company that makes the robotics ubiquitous in society, ultimately culminating in a one on one battle to, uh…actually I’ll let you all see that one for yourself.

Nobody ever really remembers “Robotics;Notes” exists, yet it was a big enough deal at the time it came out to get a dub. It’s too bad, because I honestly love the show. What makes it are Kaito and Aki. Kaito starts off looking dangerously like he’s going to become unbearable quickly, with the “gimmick” that he’s obsessed with video games and will only do favors for someone if they can beat him in a game. It becomes clear pretty quickly, however, that Kaito’s too-cool-for-school attitude is a persona he uses to cover up the fact that he’s a compassionate and kind person, willing to go out of his way to help people and prepared to make sacrifices for those he’s closest to.

Aki is great as well. She’s your typical super-cheerful anime heroine, whose boundless optimism and drive to accomplish her goals move much of the plot. Like with Kaito, this exterior masks an interior depth, with her optimism fueled largely by a deep-seated fear of failure and the ever-present feeling that she’s somehow disappointing her more intelligent older sister, whose parting words before leaving their home constantly haunt her. The likability of the leads is the main thing that keeps the viewer invested in their story.

The conspiracy underlying the whole plot ends up getting convoluted and more than a little absurd, but I can’t deny that it lead to more than one great scene and a cool as hell finale. It’s a shame this show has become so forgotten, because I highly recommend it.

Interesting side note: “Robotics;Notes” is one of a series of shows that takes place in the larger “Steins;Gate” universe, but outside of a couple of very subtle references this can basically be ignored completely.

I have watched two other slice of life anime, “Clannad” and “March Comes in Like a Lion”. While neither was bad, per se, I did not like either show for a variety of reasons I may go into another time.

I can confirm that, for those of you who like such things, each show has a very good dub but “Silver Spoon”, which has no dub at all, and “Diamond is Ubreakable” (“Clannad” also has a horrendous dub, incidentally). “Diamond is Unbreakable” may have a good dub, but I can’t tell you as I’ve never seen it.

I’m quite glad I decided to give slice of life a shot in the end. If I hadn’t, I’d have missed out on some excellent shows. Give them a shot and see for yourself.

Next up: Recommended comedies. It’s coming!

SUPERVERSIVE: A Look at Slice of Life published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/

[psychiccupid]

Look, I’ve wanted to write this for months but I’ve never taken the time, but I’m just so empty at this point that I’m like fuck it.

I have been depressed and suicidal since I was 13 goddamn years old... that is 11 years of mental torment and pure self hatred. But here’s the goddamn thing I am too goddamn prideful to fucking go to therapy. I am a perfectionist to an unhealthy degree. If I am not being praised or remarked 100% of the time I am a failure. 

I cannot stop my brain from thinking this. Any moment that I am not trying to better myself I am a pure and complete failure and should not exist as a human being. 

I got a beautiful, gorgeous, amazing cat three weeks ago. But the fact that it has taken me this long to get into a fucking vet clinic to get her her first check up is driving me crazy. And just adds to my feelings of loss.

I forced myself to go out last night to get out of my house. The only thing that makes me happy is being asleep.

My partner is wonderful and he takes care of me and no lie or exaggeration I would be dead without him. He has kept me fed forever and gives me love and praise. BUT no matter how many times I talk to him about how to love me and show affection he cannot break his own personal social and romantic anxiety and I’m left feeling unloved though that is completely not the case. 

Every time I lose at a video game I take it so personally and I can’t shake it. Do y’all know how many times I’ve cried at SSBU because I’ve lost?? One of the games that supposed to be fun? (And it super is it’s my favorite) but I WANT TO BE GOOD and the fact that I’m not no matter how hard I practice drives me crazy!

Every time I upload a voice acted thing... people critique it. Which should be fine. I can usually handle critiques... but everything that I’ve ever been casted for has, honestly, been a fucking let down. (I’m over exaggerating there are about 3 projects that I’m very proud of and fond of!) But I’m so sick of auditioning for things and finding out that they’re either not going anywhere or are written by a complete shmuck who doesn’t edit their work. AND I’ve done EVERYTHING to get my background noise down to nothing but I can’t do shit. I have no money because oh yeah GUESS WHAT??

MY REALLY GOOD JOB GHOSTED THE FUCK OUT OF ME. I called, emailed, texted... everything but go in person, because I’m scared and have the worst social anxiety. Every waking moment of my life I feel like someone is going to yell or be disappointed in me about something...

Look, my parents are happy to help and get me therapy and money. But I can’t accept it. This is my life. MY problem. And I keep thinking “Oh! This is what’ll make me happy next so let’s go!” and I do it. And when it doesn’t succeed I fucking LOSE IT. 

I have anxiety about posting this. I have so much privilege. I’m rich (well my parents are but I don’t have student loans), I’m white, I’m straight and cis passing... I should, realatively, not be having these problems... but I AM and it’s all my fault and I’m losing my goddamn MIND. 

No one can help me. I’m doomed forever to be this miserable husk. And its those thoughts that torment me and keep me from growing. 

I’ve done so much good... I’ve started drawing, and voice acting, and practicing smash combos everyday and reaching out to groups... but every time I feel like I’m just this big ugly monster that no one wants to talk to. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be normal and just generally approachable I just am too ungodly ugly to be talked to??? (I know, again, that that’s an over exaggeration but I really hate how I look but I’m too lazy to exercise.) 

I just want to disappear. I just want to stop trying. 

[espurrsso]

That scene in the saloon with Lenny :(((( "No one would want me" ARTHUR IJFIAJF

They really made a character like Arthur Morgan and not only gave him crippling self esteem issues, but they gave him confidence so low that he doesn't share his passions with anyone ever.

Like what do you mean Arthur loves to write but thinks he writes like a fool?

What do you mean Arthur loves to draw and is really talented but he doesn't see it that way?

What do you mean Arthur loves the smaller things in life but doesn't feel like he's deserving of good things?

What do you mean there was a whole different side to Arthur that the people he cared about rarely got to see?

What do you mean he lived and died with parts of his life tucked away tight in the pages of the journal that only one other person has ever been able to read?

What a tragedy.