#i just needed to get that out

[lexosaurus]

I forgot I'd added Test Drive from the HTTYD soundtrack to my writing playlist and it came up while I was editing this morning and I haven't been the same since

[hidendumbassvillage]

Sometimes I read things on my dash about the role of women in Naruto and well, I can't say they are put in the best spot that's for sure, and Kishimoto said he doesn't know how to write women we've all seen that.

I would say there are a few things to keep in mind though. The first thing is (and honestly that's something that I find often overlooked), that it's a shonen, so written for boys and it was also written for the most part in the 2000's which were actually quite a different time, especially in terms of media.

Second, if we forget that first aspect, the little number of kunoichi isn't weird at all if you ask me. Remember that they are fighters, who die very often and fairly young as stated in the manga. Thus, it doesn't make sense to send women (forgive me, it's painful to write it) in age of procreation to the battlefield. Even more so when fighting habilities rely so much on bloodlines. Men can sire much more kids than women, so despite women being as capable as shinobis as men, it wouldn't not be wise for a village to send most their women on the battlefield.

Having potential mother in the troops also means that some part of your army won't be available at some point. Tsume had 2 kids so that means she was out for something like 2 years, we don't know exactly how many jonin a village have but they don't seem that numerous (especially after a war or terrorist attack), having a good chunk of your soldiers on maternity leaves while you are under attack is not great (and the hidden villages were often under attack or at war).

Also judging how orphans are treated, it's probably better to make sure they have at least one parent left.

On a more meta view, authors have no obligation to create a fair world where everything get fixed (which is totally valid to dislike btw).

[fandomfuntimem]

Cain and Able

I mentioned in an earlier post that I though Cain in the story of Cain and Able was "on some level, justified" and frankly I misworded it, and my reasoning at the time was wrong.

When I said "Justified" what I really ment was I could see why and how it happened, and that I pittied Cain. I thought Cain didn't intend on killing Able, he threw the rock and Able died. No human had ever died before that point, and they only ever killed livestock, so Cain couldn't have known that would kill Able.

But my mom corrected me by looking it up. In the Catholic version (I am Roman Catholic, so thats unfortunately my only frame of refference.) The devil whispered to Cain and encouraged him to kill Able. Cain and Able fought, and Cain beat Able to death.

But that got me thinking. First of all, I whent to bible school for eight years and not once did they say that happened. Hell not even the church ever said that that was what happened. So, y'know, eather they never cared to say it, or my mom lied (good chance tbh, she doesn't like blasphemy).

Second: THAT ENTIRE SITUATION, WAS GOD'S FAULT! For centuries the church has pushed this idea that God loves all his creations equally, that it pains him to see sinners in hell. But Cain and Able? That was his fault.

Reasoning:

So, the devil pushed Cain to kill. Got in his head, fed on his jealousy, and whispered in his ear. Yeah ok usual bible stuff. The bible also pushes the idea that a strong faith in God is a good way to push the Devil out. Also, jealousy is a natural emotion, but something has to trigger it.

God picked favorites. The great being, that Cain and Able were probably both told is full of love, and wrath, picked favorites. God ignored the amount of effort BOTH brothers put into their offerings. He picked Able over Cain, and Cain was hurt. Cain lost his faith. Because he was told this was a loving and fair being, but this "fair" being picked favorites. He was lied to.

This doubt, and jealousy, was planted by God's blatant favoritism. Allowing the Devil entry into Cain's heart.

Then, when Cain had realised what he had done, God came back questioning where Able was, and Cain lied. What else could he do? This is THE being, the ultimate force of everything, it created his parents, banished them from the garden, and now Cain was facing it down after committing a horrific act. Frankly, Cain was probably pissing himself. God probably already knew what happened. (That, or this story proves God is not omnipotent.) Cain lied, because what else could he do? It was that, or admit to God, and himself, that he killed his brother.

I just feel bad for him. That entire situation wouldn't have happened if God didn't pick favorites. If God stuck to his teachings and loved and cared equally.

I'm not saying Cain was justified, or that he shouldn't have been punished. I'm just saying that its tragic. I gues a large chunk of my reason for feeling bad for Cain is that I kinda get it? Y'know, being raised Catholic and all, but slowly learning that the God you follow isn't the fair and loving being you were told he was. He's just cruel, and so are his people.

Side note: my mom said "well, God just happened to like one offering more than the other," and that statement just urked me. That implies God can decide if he likes one person more than the other, two people on equal ground, similer lives, but one can be far more blessed than the other because God "just happened to like one more than the other." Thats bullshit for the ideas the church preaches.

[detentiontrack]

Something about having to go no contact with a parent that people don’t talk about is how with every life achievement, you think about what it would be like to tell them

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[maxcatz]

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[bringinghometherain]

I had a *very* vivid dream last night that a publisher had taken one of my fanfics, changed the character names ("filed off the serial number" as the kids say) and released it under my real name and it hit the NY Times Bestseller List and then everybody I know suddenly was extremely aware that I write smut. I gave permission for the publisher to use my work but I didn't have any input into the new character names and I *definitely* did not give them permission to use my real name on the book. They didn't even edit it beyond changing names so people on the internet were shit talking all the typos and weird wording. I was so stressed out.

[corpsegirl-sephie]

My wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife

[theflagscene]

Omg I’m so bad at this! I’m so rusty, it’s been months and months since I’ve written anything and now that I’m trying again I feel like I spend half of my time erasing things because it’s all shit! I think I just don’t have any confidence anymore, the anhedonia has fucked with me so deeply that I’m just second guessing everything I put down. But I’m trying ya know? I just would like to be able to post something, anything. It’s been so long, I miss posting fanfics and being a smut peddler lol. I just miss enjoyment tbh.

[stardustedknuckles]

I can analyze and agonize over it until the sun burns out but at the end of the day the fact remains that my friends were my friends until I was too sick for them to handle.

Moved the rest under a cut bc it's just processing and it's the kind of processing that doesn't fit in my usual fic routine.

They stopped talking while I was actively in the hospital from the brown recluse. They made me feel like a hypochondriac demanding their attention and emotional labor and it took forever for me to realize because three of us were neurodivergent, all of us were queer, and so I thought we got each other even if I was technically the autistic one and the only trans one. They shut me down when I talked about the new things I was trying in order to isolate what I thought at the time was something simple like reflux (in between doctor visits). They were kind and understanding up until it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to predict my energy level (or it bottoming out in the middle of hanging out virtually).

I've lived my life in fear/grudging acceptance that I'm on a timer with everyone who cares about me and I have to be good so that timer runs down slowly and I get to have them for longer and they absolutely confirmed that and I think I'm at the point where I'm angry instead of confused. It's not even that I don't understand. Dealing with sick people isn't for everyone and as far as we knew, I wasn't. Which meant I must just be acting annoying or spewing anxiety. But I'm going to rheumatology in two days to get tested for goddamn lupus because it's already been proven that my connective tissue is fucked, it's just a question of "in what specific way" and I'm just. They are good people. I miss them almost daily, but it's getting easier. Nobody ever said why they left. They just stopped responding and left me to puzzle through it for a year and a half now after two years of getting increasingly impatient with my "anxiety." and if they are going to leave it to be to figure out then yeah. Sure. I was probably a lot, exactly as I've feared. But the people who don't see me as too much are the people who are also sick or with loved ones who are. Who know what to expect. I spent six months with an open necrotic wound in my arm telling myself it wasn't that bad because I couldn't afford to drive anyone else away by being a baby. I went through psychosis from the prednisone and said nothing to anyone but one person. I did a lot of it alone or leaning on people I barely knew on the internet because when they got tired of it and left, it wouldn't hurt. I deserved better. And those people I thought would vanish after a few weeks of dealing with me are still here.

It's hard not to miss people you loved (and who loved you) from 20-27. But also fuck them I guess.

[crickets-must-be-enslaved]

burnout hit me so hard tgat i drew a hand

[tsukisdiary]

beth and morty's relationship is lowkey so weird to me like you can see she cares to some degree but it doesn't come remotely close to how a loving mother should feel regarding her child. like i wonder if shes holding a senseless grudge against him for instead of being the kid the fixed her marriage he just made things more difficult, or if she's just lowkey ableist and thinks her autistic child is a bother, or if she mistakes every single trait morty has that is like him taking after rick for being jerry's genes like it wouldn't surprise me if she thought jerry contaminating the sanchez gene pool was more evident in morty simply because she thinks her own son is stupid.

either way, i don't think shes had nearly as many therapy sessions to fix this problem, and yes I'm fully aware morty's not ageing, but his personality is evolving (and consequently devolving) throughout the seasons and beth and jerry need to get their shit together as parents because I cant keep seeing an intoxicated, traumatised, mentally ill man that is receiving no medication or help he needs just casually taking the role of the main caretaker for his grandson and then seeing all the blame fall on him after something horrible happens, obviously, neither of them can properly handle x situations because one is literally numbing himself with anything he can find and another one is just a kid.

and im not excepting rick of any sort of guilt when those "could-have-been-perfectly-avoidable" situations happen, but you need to help out your fucking kids maybe you don't owe treatment and an actual viable way of getting better to your absent dad but that doesn't mean you get can simply just ignore everything or let or let every problem be handled by the ones that probably started. you're a fucking adult, and you also have drinking issues, and it is your responsibility to get better for them.

jerry cant just keep getting away with letting himself emotionally neglect his children or ignore the fact his wife's an addict, and that is taking a toll on the kids like shit you people are married, and you're the only adult in the household who isn't a drunk if someone ought to plan an intervention it should be you like why are you such a man child like I'm not even shitting on jerry for the shit he likes or the fantasies he has I'm talking about his inability of being a functional parent due to the fact he's shit at it and decides to avoid confrontation if he thinks he can't try to bully you like COME ON.

[thelightsabcr]

// I must be honest. Sometimes I feel like I'm not writing Obi-Wan well enough. That other Obi-Wan rpers are much, much better than me, and that perhaps some people laugh at me because I'm not as good as they are.

And it hurts. I mean, I'm hurting myself here, obviously, and it is completely unnecessary and a waste of time tbh, but I can't control that.

And I know I can't think like that. I shouldn't. I should just learn to be happy with what I've got and what I manage.

But then these stupid thoughts come along and ruins it all. I'm certain I'm not alone in feeling like this, though. I know there's not just me being an anxious mess out there. But I can't help but to wonder if I am enough.

Am I??

Who knows. I surely don't. I guess I just feel like I don't amount to anything, and that if I compare my life with other people's lives, I've wasted mine. Right? All I can do, is write, and I can't even do that like I want to. I should finish my novels, but I haven't picked it up in months and I am scared I'm running out of time. I don't think that's a real fear, it's just.. a what if?

Bottom line is; I think I should try to learn myself how to be, if not happy, then at least content with the things I can do instead of focusing too much on what I can't. If I can.

[autizta]

Vent (the app) doesn't open for me anymore so I'll just have to go here and you guys have to handle it

It's, far too early in the morning for me but I feel restless and anxious and sick to my stomach, can't tell if it's because of yesterday or the lack of meds, might be both? Let's hope I don't throw up yahoo

[piratehimbo]

.

[hslllot]

so I’m going to be moving to the US in 6 months (still pretty far away) but i just had my first moment of sadness and fear over leaving my home and my family and friends… like it just hit me for the first time… up until now it’s just been a lot of excitement and happiness for the future…. But right now at this moment it’s this feeling of dread… and I just know the next six months is going to be a balancing act between all of these feelings