#i mean. uh. sex...amiright

[lynnie-s3all]

Could I humbly request two time and elliot smut headcanons.. (separate)

Ah, been a while since people haven't requested me for so long in the submissions... I managed to get my motivation up do finish my homework in time so why not i take a break to write this down for ya :3

Elliot and Two time smut headcanons (separate)

(Secretly trying to figure out how to write smut headcanons better.)

He's a switch, half sub, half dom, but usually prefers to be dominant because he just doesn't like being teased about being a little submissive. (hehe...)

His most favourite kinks are just praising you and him while you two were fucking, not just that, tease him all the way down can make him needy for you too much.

His foreplay is cuddling and kissing, really typical starter if you wanted to get more than just being little bits of intimacy, but honestly the more you two got excited, well... It will happen.

Look, if you're thinking about the pace, I'm taking it from that one shitpost from tiktok about it so he'll probably do it faster, but not rougher. Like he's not that horny, maybe.

Position is spooning with you or cuddlefucking. Especially when you two are both too tired to even get up and fuck than it's a common option for you two to do that position. But if he's not then he'll do the doggy style.

He likes your ass, Yes i said that correctly. He's also the one that would literally slap it when no one is around cause why the hell would he do that in public? You do you if you want to imagine a headcanon about this by your imagination.

Think this guy can get to 3 rounds with you? But I'm pretty much sure he couldn't handle it for too long. He's too needy and submissive. Haha, amiright?? No? Okay.

Yeah if he wants to act submissive, then you had to do your job done for him because oh my god imagine him actually started whining and moan when you're stroking his dick.

The whole point of this was me trying to describe him what it feels like for him to be a dom, but still is a whiny bastard when it comes to you when you're dom.

It's okay, even for a average sex drive, it's a bit easy to make him get turned on, if you're in your room sending him nudes while he was working, he just had to take a bathroom break and let his staff do the job while he was out trying to relieve himself.

Forgot to mention aftercare, he barely cleaned u up after you two finished and then fell asleep right after.

Idk what to add anymore but that's what i can put in.

Hm, don't get me started on them.

They're a freaking dom. THIS IS MY HEADCANON SO PEOPLE CAN DO THEIR OWN OKAY...?

Can i just talk about their kinks real quick? Because it's killing me off the road when i say this by the way.

Trying you up and degrading you. OH YEAH? WHY...

Tying you up makes them turned on fast because on how they tied in compromising positions that doesn't involve making your bones break, and it's only a simple knot, you can get it off pretty easily right?

They actually has a kink for dacryphilia, They love seeing you sob and cry for the most part. And they're not a yandere who draws blood on your skin, it's only for one of the killers, they like it if they rammed you that hard but it's a mix of pain and pleasure.

This fucker can go for 5 rounds at a time and torture you so you can get the whole experience of being overstimulated. Very very... interesting.

They're basically taking control over you. Goodluck for not moving your legs and being paralyzed for days on end.

So the question is... is it easy to get them to be horny? Uh... I say maybe...? But not that horny to the point they made your legs break? You figure it out yourself.

degrading you? Yeah they just... try to say mean things to you while you're helplessly crying and begging them to stop. But don't worry about it, theydid plan out to have a safe word so incase you just need a break, just say the word.

They feel so sorry for you, so don't say they're not guilty for doing it rough because they will just slow down for you if you're too sensitive.

Aftercare, they'll get you anything to make you recover, you'll be fine.

Extra note but they like it if you're blindfolded, it's a better experience for them since you don't even know what they're gonna do to you.

(so, are you proud? or maybe I'm still bad at it? Give a feedback maybe.)

[muffincatti]

This is Tacomic I don't rlly like tacomic they seem better off as friends but as long as it isn't illegal I don't mind. So. Tacomic. Lesbian 🔥🔥

Hey so wouldn't it be crazy if we were all objects and genderless and gay but tbh if we were genderless AND gay how would that work because gay is like homosexual and homosexual means attracted to the same sex and we can't rlly be gay if we don't have sexes you know what I'm saying? So like what if we just didn't experience attraction at all? Wouldn't that be cool? Like we all become friends at first sight instead of love at first sight. Ima use love as platonic love not romantic/sexual love bc who wants that amiright??? so if we were all objects and we were all genderless and attractionless. What's the definition of attraction. I just realized I might be using that word wrong. I'm going to search it up.

Ok so it's a noun that means.. "the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something." Isn't that nice? Ima use it. Not as like romance or anything like that but like. "Oh I like that it looks cool". Ok so we are objects, genderless and attractionless (as in romance) and we are like. Super cool. I'm currently doing my mathematics homework. 🎉 ok so it's would be a clock or a cupcakes. No i wanna be on of those flowers that aren't actually flowers but have some water in them and squirt out water. But instead of water it's acid. I squirt/spit acid. And all objects would be like. Super cool. We are all super cool. And uh. What if. We competed in a show. With like. 20~ something other objects. For an island. But not just any island. A dream island. Wow. I should be like. A poet this shit sounds fantastic. /sarc. Ok so I'm currently doing homework yknow and in my algebra class there's a shit ton of bums. And they Hella funny too. Well no not rlly. I just have bad humor. I've been meaning to delete insta but like I have one friend there so.. 💔. And they keep making me smile i fucking hate them it's with they would shut the fuck up im trying to do work and they saying shit like "veiny ahh dih" ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING SHNRJEKSJSJJW I hate my algebra class so much Jesus christ. Ok so in my religion class (yay religion/sarc) I have this person that sits behind me and they are sooo super duper cool and I wanna talk to them but idk how. I have some lunches with her but I mostly sit with my friend because I'm antisocial as hell 💔💔. And like I get nervous. But they're sooooo cool they have the prettiest hair and the prettiest makeup and shoes and HSJSJSIIAIAHAJSJUSJD super cool person overall 10/10 on the cool scale. I only have one class with her and omggg. I hear she's in the super high classes like honors and ap and stuff and ughh I just can't reach up to that level. I'm not the smartest :((. I just can't. I'm like behind in all my classes and stuff. :<

Ok so enough about my *SUPER* interesting social life onto something else. Whose reading this??? Me i love reading stuff i wrote well not rlly but yknow this is like a diary or journal. I'm doing math. Did I already mention math. Mathematics. Algebra. Yay. :T okay so. Soo so so.imagine being human I'm actually a

[sroloc--elbisivni]

"so how's the vacation writing going" well i made progress on a couple of the Actual WIPs i have posted and then i also saw this art by @wtf-a-psychoanalysis for space leosagi with usagi in the slave leia outfit and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i blacked out and came to with 2800 words typed up on my phone in the Notes app. anyway. love to commit sexual violence against a man via application of aliens amiright. went in a different direction than jabba the hutt, this is far future in the space bodice ripper au when the guys are running around having space adventures. cw: implied sex slavery.

“Well?” Leo hissed, prodding one of Donnie’s feet.

Donnie kicked him, face intent on his wrist computer. “I’m working on it. The camera network in this place is stupid big. Are we sure this is a guy and not an AI?”

“We’re not even sure he has the thingamabob we want,” Leo said. “Hence, you, hurrying up, in our near future, please.”

“Um,” Mikey said, peering through the slats of the maintenance tube exits. “Is this a bad time to mention—“

“Probably,” Donnie said, not looking up.

“—that the guy I saw earlier is standing right there?”

“What do you mean right there?” Leo shoved him out of the way for a better look and got an eyeful of draping black cloth and white furry leg. “Oh. Right there, right there.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said, pointedly.

“Listen, guys, I got this,” Leo said, and shoved the maintenance hatch open. “Heeeeyyy, sorry to ask, but do you mind just moving down the hallway whiiiiii…”

He got about halfway through his sentence before he pried his head out to talk with this stranger and convince him that they were just a couple of maintenance guys doing very important work who should not be interrupted. This was about when he got a good look at the man—very much a man—and lost his entire train of thought.

The legs that were uh, pretty muscly actually, revealed by the drape and cling of rich black silk shot with gold, led up to a belt of gold hanging low on some shapely hips. Trim hips. Put all your weight behind a solid punch shaped hips. The torso crowned with wrapping curls of gold around the shoulders and pecs was also muscled, in that really nice dorito-shaped bulk way. Scars crisscrossed the soft-looking white fur in more than a few places—a starburst on this hip, a slash on that shoulder, a scattering of burns like a meteor shower across the torso. Leo really wanted to touch all of them.

The look on the guy’s face said if Leo did that he probably would only get to enjoy it for like. Three more seconds before his untimely demise. He was some kind of rabbit alien, ears bound on top of his head and draping down like a fancy hairdo. There was one more scar over his left eye, arcing like an extra eyebrow and lending some punch to his glare.

“While what?” he asked.

“Um,” Leo said. Words. He could do words. Eventually.

The rabbit rolled his eyes, leaning back against the wall and bracing his elbows in a way that showed off his abs. “Listen. Whatever you’re up to, I don’t actually care. If you’re going to try to kill Hikiji, I’ll have to stop you, but until you’re at his throat? Not my problem.”

“We’re here to rob him, actually,” Mikey chirped, sticking his head out of the tube next to Leo’s torso.

“Great. I mean it. Please, rob the bastard blind.”

“Do I. Uh.” Leo shook his head dragging his tongue back into place. “Who are you?”

The rabbit smiled. It didn’t look like a happy smile. “These days? No one.”

“Nice to meet you, no one,” Mikey said, and Leo elbowed him back into the vent so he could pull himself up and get on eye level with the rabbit.

“So, do you maybe wanna help us?” he asked, hopefully. If they could just get this guy to come with them, a little longer, maybe he’d loosen up a little bit. He probably had a nice smile, when he was happy.

For the moment, the rabbit loosened up enough to blink and snort. “What the hell, sure. What do you want to know?”

“Where’s the vault?” Donnie yelled from inside the vent before Leo could embarrass himself by asking for this guy’s number. “This map is useless!”

“He has fake copies of the blueprints on the servers. The real ones are metal engravings in the engineer’s quarters and can’t be photographed.”

“That’s—horrifyingly impressive. I hate that.”

“So do the engineers,” the rabbit said, dry. “Which vault? There’s three, but I don’t think you want the one for alcohol.”

“Wherever he keeps the, the,” Leo snapped his fingers, trying to remember.

“The Mambrino basin,” Donnie said. “Smallish, gold, contains a code only activated when a certain fluid is poured over it?”

“Oh, that. That’s in the leeward vault. You’re about three floors too far up.” He pointed down the hallway, and Leo admired the pretty blue crystal on an elaborately wrought bracelet he was wearing. “There’s a ladder that’s been locked for the last year, but if you’re blocking the cameras, you can probably bypass that too.”

A brief squabble ensued as Mikey and Donnie both attempted to leave the vent at the same time and tangled up their limbs. Leo ignored them with long practiced and grinned charmingly at the hot rabbit, trying not to look at where the smooth arch of his hipbone jutted out beyond the edge of the skirt-thing. “Sooooooooooo…wanna come break into a leeward vault with us?”

“I’ll pass,” the rabbit said, but he looked softly amused. “You all are really going to do this, aren’t you?”

“Of course!” Leo swept a little bow. “Stealing from rich bastards is one of our specialties.” He straightened and winked at the rabbit. “Along with daring rescues, if you know anyone in the market for one?”

Oop. Wrong tactic. The rabbit gave this horrible sad little smile and looked away. “Plenty of those needed out in the galaxy, I’m sure.”

Donnie and Mikey had finally worked their way out and stumbled upright. Donnie looked the rabbit up and down and said “Your outfit is derivative and tacky, I could do better. Call me if you ever need a stylist. Where’s the ladder I’m opening?”

“I’ll—” The blue gem on his bracelet flashed three times, accompanied with three chiming tones. The rabbit straightened immediately. “Down the hall, that way, third door.” He jerked his chin, didn’t point. His pointing hand was too busy wrapping around the bracelet, which had started to blink.

Leo grabbed up the rabbit's wrist—he was clutching it like he was in pain.

This was obviously a mistake. The rabbit’s eyes flashed and he jerked back.

“Let me go,” he snarled, and Leo was startled enough to drop his grip entirely.

“I—sorry,” he blurted. The rabbit was already turning around and striding away, black cloth swishing between his legs.

Leo hated to see him leave, and somehow, he didn’t much like watching him go either.

“C’mon,” Mikey said, tugging at his elbow. “The next person who catches us out here isn’t going to be that nice.”

“Yeah,” Leo said, staring at where the stranger vanished. “Sure.”

They got all the way down the ladder before he persuaded Donnie to follow the guy on security cameras all the way back to the main throne room of this big evil villainous castle on a meteor they were infiltrating to pass the time.

The rabbit walked in from a side door, not the big front one, and headed right for the big fancy dais where a human-looking alien in black and gold and brown was sitting like he owned the place.

The rabbit walked up to him and dropped to his knees. The guy, who had to be the Lord Hikiji they’d come here to rob, waved one hand for the rabbit to approach his fancy bench throne. When he came in reach, Hikiji took his chin in one hand, possessively, and held him in a bent-forward position that looked like it would be murder on the back.

The rabbit had his someone-else’s-untimely-death look on again, but he wasn’t…doing anything. Just standing there while Hikiji was saying something they couldn’t hear.

Hikiji turned his gripping hand into a caress down the rabbit’s throat and let him go. The rabbit moved to the side of the bench and dropped to the floor, leaning his back against Hikiji’s legs and staring at the wall. HIkiji rested one hand on his head like a Bond villain stroking a cat and seemed to forget about him.

“Hey, broskis?” Leo said, staring at the tiny screen like this might be the day he developed the ability to kill things with his eyes. “Change of plans. We’re going to destroy this guy.”

[peepeepotter]

Chapter 2: You have a very beautiful...wand.

Pairing: George Weasley x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Draco kinda body shaming George/male body insecurity, and just...so many uncomfortable moments. If you’ve watched the show you’ll probably get over it sooner. Also cursing but y’all might have to get used to that with me, I curse like a sailor.

Word Count: 2.5K

Series Masterlist

A/N: If you would like to be added to the tag list you can message/ask/comment and I’ll add you! If you asked to be added and you weren’t on the tag list, let me know! I forget a lot of things, haha.

“So where are you taking her for dinner?” Draco sat at the island in the kitchen, staring at George as George reached into the fridge to grab a beer.

“Uh. I don’t know. The Three Broomsticks? I don’t really know if you can call it a date.”

“Well, first off. The Three Broomsticks? Our bar? Don’t ruin the bar, dude. Take her literally anywhere else. Second off, why wouldn’t it be a date?” Draco asked.

“I don’t know, she’s the first person I’ve gone out with since Angelina.”

“Woah, big deal alert!” Y/N said as she walked into the kitchen, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl. “I wanna be included in these conversations! I’m a girl, I can help.” She smiled.

“Yeah, but you’re Y/N. You’re like...you’re more like a puppy than a human girl.” Draco turned, giving her a disappointed look.

“Whatever, either way. I guess I’m nervous so I asked this girl out because I don’t really care how things end up with her.” George offered as an explanation. Y/N cringed at that. She knew she had to start getting used to how the men in this loft talked about women, but she couldn’t help but think of herself in that same scenario.

“Well, are you going to go hit the gym?” Draco asked. George furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why?”

“To get rid of your belly.”

“What are you talking about?” George asked, looking down at his stomach.

“The little pouch where you keep your extra cookies.” Y/N smiled, pinching her own little “kupa” as she and Ginny called it.

-

George stood in front of his mirror in his bedroom, his shirt lifted just enough to see his lower stomach. His brow was furrowed. He didn’t have that big of a tummy. Sure, he wasn’t carved like Draco, but who the hell had time to work out to be that muscular? It’s not like he had—what did Y/N call the look she liked?—a dad bod. He took his shirt all the way off.

He turned around and started playing music on his record player. Y/N had started showing him more muggle music, which was a bit more his vibe. Reggae started playing when he put the spindle on the vinyl. He turned it up as loud as it could get.

Y/N looked up when she heard the reggae music playing from her bedroom. She smiled, glad that George was enjoying the music she had introduced to him. She looked back down at the paper she was trying to grade, but kept getting distracted by the blaring music. She sighed, and thought for a moment. She didn’t want to ruin his appreciation for muggle music, but she really wanted to have these papers graded by the end of tonight so she could give them back to her students tomorrow. She got up from her bed.

“George!” She shouted over the music as she walked across the hall to his bedroom.

“George!” She called again, now knocking on the door. She supposed he couldn’t hear because of how loud the music was. She sighed, just opening the door as she rolled her eyes.

“Geo—oh my god.” She covered her mouth with her hand, the other hand still on the doorknob as she walked in to see George fully naked.

“Y/N! Get out!” George yelled, grabbing a pillow to cover his manhood. Y/N squealed out a giggle and slammed the door shut, running to her room. She closed the door to her own bedroom, now both hands covering her face. Just when she felt like she had gotten close to one of the guys in the loft, she saw him naked! She felt so embarrassed, and she couldn’t imagine how George felt.

-

“I saw George naked yesterday.” She whispered to the other three men in the loft’s kitchen.

“What?!”

“How?”

“Wait, you’ve seen George naked before I have?” Draco asked.

“Well, he was playing music really loud, and I kept yelling to turn it down. I even knocked on the door and waited, but I figured he couldn’t hear me, so I just walked in.”

“Oh god.” Harry put his head in his hands, leaning onto the kitchen island.

“Poor guy. He must be so embarrassed.” Said Neville.

“Well, not much to be embarrassed about, amiright?” Harry offered, lifting his head up and chuckling.

“Well, that’s true.” Neville laughed. It helped cheer Y/N up, and she laughed, nodding too.

“Wait, so all of you have seen George naked except for me? I haven’t seen one of my best friends—”

“Only friends—” Harry interrupted.

“Naked?!” Draco finished.

“It’s not a big deal. Why are you making this a thing?” Y/N asked, turning to Draco.

“Well, wait, how have you two seen him naked?” Draco asked, ignoring Y/N.

“He’s basically my brother. We grew up together. Shared locker rooms, bathrooms, pools, penis fights.” Harry shrugged.

“We were in the same house at Hogwarts. The guys all shared the bathrooms.” Neville offered.

“Literally what the fuck—” Draco droned on. Y/N heard George’s door open and rushed to the front door, attempting to block it.

“Listen George, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to butt in on you while you were...well while you were doing whatever you were doing but you couldn’t hear me over the music!” George had sunglasses and a hat on, attempting to avoid anyone looking at him at all. When Y/N blocked the door, he walked up to her. Her breathing stopped when he came close to her, not expecting him to get so close. He picked her up from the armpits and moved her to the other side of him, quickly turning around and opening the door to make a quick attempt at leaving.

“That was awful.” Draco said from behind Y/N. “But at least you’ve seen his penis.” He sighed.

“Why do you WANT to see it?” Harry asked, also behind Y/N.

“What if he dies, and aurors need me to identify his body, but the only thing that’s left is his penis. I’ll have to say ‘Sorry officer, I can’t help, because I’ve never seen his penis.’” Draco said dramatically.

“Again, why do you want to see his penis?”

-

Y/N sat at the kitchen island, eating her dinner alone. George stormed into the apartment and into the kitchen, getting a beer out of the fridge.

“I have something for you!” Y/N said, grabbing her purse from the stool next to hers. She took out a stick decorated with phoenix feathers and other various animal feathers. “It’s a feeling wand. When someone has the feeling wand, they have to share their feelings. You see, I am feeling like I want to know what you’re feeling.” She smiled, jutting the wand out towards George. He gave her an empty stare, leaning against the counter, drinking his beer. He rolled his eyes, leaning onto the kitchen island. He grabbed the wand, and held it for a long moment. Then, he broke it in half.

“Believe it or not, this is not the first time someone has broken my feeling wand.” She looked back into her purse, pulling out a nearly identical, although significantly smaller wand. “So I keep a travel-sized one.” George rolled his eyes again. “Come on! Let’s just talk about it!”

“You want to talk about it? You ruined my date!”

-

George’s date, Persephone, welcomed him into her apartment. She grabbed his face, bringing her lips to his nearly immediately. George kissed back out of instinct, but as Persephone tried to take his shirt off, he inched away from her. She pulled away, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Do you want me to go first?” “Wha—”

Before George could even finish his thought, she had her shirt off, and she had not been wearing a bra. He gestured towards her, confused.

“What—look at you!”

“Okay, now it’s your turn!” She smiled. George mimed taking his shirt off and throwing it across the room. Persephone quirked her head to the side out of confusion.

“I don’t understand. Do you want to like...take it slow?”

Which is exactly how George ended up awkwardly cuddling with this girl for two hours before she fell asleep and he left.

-

“I didn’t mean to!”

“Any time I take off my clothes I just hear your weird little laugh! This is very damaging to my ego.” He yelled, walking to his room.

“I’m sorry! It wasn’t funny!” Y/N said, running in front of him and blocking the entrance to his bedroom. “You have a very beautiful...wand.”

“Then why did you laugh?” He crossed his arms.

“It was just an awkward moment and I don’t know how to deal with that!” George once again picked her up, turning around to set her down.

“You need to stop doing this! I’m trying to have a mature conversation!” Y/N yelled while he lifted her into the air, eyebrows furrowed in anger.

“A mature conversation? You laughed because you saw my penis, you can’t even say the word penis, and I’m the one stopping you from having this ‘mature’ conversation?” He asked, turning back around to face her.

“I’m sorry.” She sighed.

“I just want to have meaningless sex with beautiful women.” George sighed.

“Maybe you don’t want that! Maybe you’re not ready for that!”

“I have a wand. I want meaningless sex with beautiful women.” He rolled his eyes, turning around and entering his bedroom.

“You know what you have to do now?” Draco suddenly asked behind her, anyone could hear the devilish grin in his voice.

“What?” She asked, hoping he could point her in the right direction of fixing her friendship.

-

Which is how Y/N ended up butt naked wrapped in a towel, in George’s room, waiting for him to get back home. Now she faced his mirror, quickly opening and closing the towel. “I can do this.” She huffed. She turned around towards the door when she heard the front door open and shut, but quickly she heard a female voice moaning at George. “Oh my god.” She whispered, laying down quickly on the ground. She had never wished so much that she owned an invisibility cloak than she did at this very moment.

George and Persephone entered his bedroom, making out. Persephone sat on the bed, asking him to take his clothes off. With renewed confidence, he took his shirt off. Y/N started crawling towards the door, hoping the activities taking place would distract the two from seeing her. However, as George pulled his pants down, he came face to face with Y/N. They both started screaming, and she stood, abandoning the towel, attempting to escape. She couldn’t open the door, it was stuck. She closed her eyes tight, and breathed out.

“Can you open the door?” She asked, turning around. This time, George covered his face with one of his hands, trying not to laugh. Persephone was horrified.

-

While the nudity fiasco was happening, Neville, Harry, and Draco sat on the couch in the living room.

“I still don’t really understand why you want to see it so bad?” Harry asked.

“Look, it’s just weird. For some reason it’s making me feel left out. And you know what? I’ve been having a rough go lately. My students are really struggling to understand this one concept that I don’t know how to reteach to make it easier for them. Plus, the girl I've been in love with for a decade is very likely going to get married here soon.” He huffed.

Neville and Harry glanced at each other when he said this last thing. They had both had a feeling that he had been in love with their mutual friend, but he had never said anything. They both knew their fellow charms teacher and friend was engaged, and she had been one of the first people after the war to forgive and befriend Draco.

“We’ll see what we can do.”

-

George stood, ranting about privacy and personal space while holding the feeling wand. The other four in the apartment sat on the couch, this time Y/N was fully clothed. Harry raised his hand, requesting the feeling wand.

“I feel like Draco has been having a very tough time lately.” George furrowed his eyebrows, confused about what this had to do with anything he just said. Neville took the feeling wand next. “I feel like Draco has been friends with you for a really long time, and has gained your trust enough to see your penis.” Neville said, George covered his face with his hands.

“Oh my god, I need to move out.” George mumbled to himself. Neville handed Draco the feeling wand.

“I feel validated.” Y/N was really struggling to keep in her giggles at this point. She didn’t really understand why Draco cared so much, but found the other boys' support kind of endearing.

“THIS! This is what I mean! I just want to go one day without someone seeing or wanting to see my penis!” George yelled.

“I feel like George is yelling.” Neville said, holding the feeling wand. George snatched the feeling wand out of his hand and stormed off to his room.

-

George heard a knock at his bedroom door. “Come in.” He said. Y/N entered, her eyes covered and started knocking on the wall of his bedroom. “Y/N,” George laughed. “I said come in, you can stop knocking and open your eyes.”

“I’m sorry I ruined your hookup.” Y/N frowned, coming to lay next to George on his bed. “I really just wanted us to get back to normal and Draco said something along the lines of ‘he showed you his now you show him yours’ and for some reason I listened.”

“It’s okay. But it was definitely stupid to listen to Draco’s advice. Next time go to Harry for advice.” George laughed, turning on his side to face the girl next to him. She stared at the ceiling,

“I’ve been working on something.” She grinned, turning on her side to face him.

“Go for it.”

“Penis.” Y/N said calmly, without any hint of a smile or laugh.

“I’m proud of you.” George chuckled, reaching over to pat her shoulder. “I’m sorry I made this such a long thing. I think, by the way, that maybe you’re right. I don’t think I’m ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.” He scrunched his nose.

“You mean Persephone won’t be coming back.” Y/N held back a smile, avoiding dumb thoughts in her head.

“She definitely won’t be coming back.” George laughed, remembering the fiasco. Y/N sat up, ready to leave. She paused when she got to the end of the bed, looking back at him.

“Did you...did you see like...everything?” Y/N’s cheeks shone red under George’s dim lighting in his room. He giggled.

“Yes.”

“Like—”

“Everything.” He confirmed. She blushed, standing up and walking to the door.

“Goodnight, George.” She turned around to smile at him.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” He smiled in return.

Tag list: @yllwtaxi @ememseay @droppingthegloves @wassup-peoples @dejayoon @astoriaplease @postsbyjenipeo @edmunds-torch @ummmlana @kennreid @charming-fan-girl @expelliarmusmyass

[coffeebeannate]

Nate Watches Things: A Saga

Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.

Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.

Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?

And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England. 

Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.

So the summary is this:

A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.

And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.

Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.

Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.

SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.

BEHOLD:

So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.

The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.

Pretty.

So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters?  and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh. 

Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.

We never hear from this man again.

Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.

THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)

Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.

The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.

Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).

Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.

Anywho.

Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.

Anyway.

So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie. 

And his name is,

(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-

Nevermind I’ll just keep going.

ANYWAY, more plot.

Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.

I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!

It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.

Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!

(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)

So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that  you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.

What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.

*sigh*

So.

OK.

This scene.

Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.

Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.

So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.

What is this, you ask??

Fuck if I know.

Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.

It is...it’s something.

(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).

Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.

Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)

Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)

So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.

But why Edward’s mother, you ask??

Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-

Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.

(She’s not opposed either, at all)

So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.

Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.

(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)

So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!

(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)

Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.

Yeah.

Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.

So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead. 

And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.

So he does.

Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.

(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)

BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward’s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.

So the father in law is still alive, so! 

It’s murder time.

Perfect wedding time event yeah?

So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)

Murdered.

And then, exactly five seconds or so later..

Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?

Anyway at this point I was just:

And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.

I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?

END PART ONE.

Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)

SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.

(The kids Hugh’s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)

Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.

(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)

So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.

Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.

And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??

*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*

Why the fuck not.

Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.

SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.

“I don’t go to church.”

Cannot begin to imagine why.

Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.

Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.

But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:

He looks so baffled. 

‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”

She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:

“Eugh, what is that?”

He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:

”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”

Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.

Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).

Actually me right now tbh.

So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.

Edward takes him up on it.

‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.

Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)

Vital

Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.

And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.

SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.

Yeesh.

AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.

Yeah.

DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!

At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.

Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:

THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.

SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.

Lots of sadness.

So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.

OOF.

SO overall?

I don’t know.

It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.

It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.

I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.

At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.

A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.

[snorlaxlovesme]

This is just uh. A thing. A long thing. I actually drafted it back in July during Pride Month but chickened out before I could post it. But then I discovered that Ace Week exists and what better time to rant about the quintessential Ace Experience(TM) amiright?

.

I’ve struggled to define my sexuality since I was like 17. I can remember me and some of my girl friends going to the mall and talking about boys. I was currently teetering around a relationship with one of our male friends and they asked me to define why I was attracted to him and I couldn’t. They didn’t really think anything of it, moved along in the conversation and said “well X isn’t my type, so I guess I wouldn’t get it.” But the conversation stuck with me.

1. Because I never really thought the idea of a “type” was real. I didn’t think people ACTUALLY arbitrarily decided who wasn’t worthy of their affection based on a random set of archetypes. I thought they were shallow for saying that about him. I thought it was a mean concept to not let someone be “your type.”

2. Not being able to identify what I DID find attractive about him was....off. Like sure, he looked fine, but tbh he looked like an average teenage white boy and I couldn’t really pick out a physical identifier that made me want him. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, that non-relationship went nowhere and I eventually told him I wasn’t feeling it. I thought I just wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

At age 18 I had my first kiss. Another male friend of ours. Another relationship I’d been teetering around. I had told him multiple times that I didn’t like the idea of dating him so soon after I had broken things off with X. It felt weird, too soon, let’s hold off. But part of me also didn’t like the fact that I was 18 and had never been kissed. It wasn’t at the forethought of my mind all the time, but it lingered back there. Maybe it was because, puberty-wise, I was a late bloomer. Maybe it was because, in my friend group, I was always somehow dubbed “the innocent one.” I didn’t want to continue being late for every major marker in life, so when Y took me up on a hill at sunset and said “I’m going to kiss you now” I let him.

It was not what I thought it would be. All the magical descriptions of kisses in YA books were drastically over-selling the experience. The first one was nice enough, but I couldn’t help but thinking “this feels exactly like kissing a relative” and being a little relieved and little disappointment that the sensation was exactly the same. The second kiss was much worse because he put his tongue in my mouth and I quickly discovered I hateddd that.

I thought that maybe it was Y’s fault. I didn’t like him the way he liked me, so there was no magic. No spark. But also maybe I was just doing it wrong? He did kind of imply that I wasn’t the best kisser (god, how romantic) and so maybe the more we did it the more I would like it?

We went on one more date after that, and almost every time we made eye contact he tried to kiss me. It was horrible. I spent the better part of the day actively trying to not look at him because I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to do it anymore. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I’d like to say I handled the situation as maturely as with X, but in reality I ghosted this kid for like 2.5 months and eventually sent him a facebook message saying I wasn’t feeling it. I figured I wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

College I had no time for relationships, or so I told myself. Maybe I didn’t have the mental capacity for them because I was too busy wishing I would get hit by a bus (higher education did not go great for someone with undiagnosed ADHD). I kind of assumed everyone also felt the same way, but people were coupling up around me left and right. Everyone had the same stressors I had, maybe even more so, and yet they had time to form new relationships and have noisy sex in the dorm room next to mine. I didn’t have time, though.

My roommate asked me in those first few years if maybe I was asexual. I actually got mad at her for even implying it. Asexuals were emotionless robots who were so repulsed by sex they didn’t even want to THINK about it. I talked about sex with my friends all the time! I masturbated when she wasn’t around like every other day! How dare she even insinuate that I might be one of those people. I just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet.

And sure, I’d been on tumblr for years at that point. I’d been relatively educated about the LGBT community and its various factions. But nothing about it screamed ME. All those people seemed to have the same shared experience of knowing who they were since forever, of experiencing some form of discrimination based on who they were. I had always been straight, right? And no one’s ever discriminated me for who I liked. 

It was weird, though. Getting older and hearing more and more people talking about sex and just like, NOT feeling the same way. Was talking to my friends in a group chat one day, and one of them was head over heels for one of her coworkers. Not in love, but I-wanna-rip-off-your-McDonald’s-uniform-and-fuck-you-right-here-in-the-break-room (do McD’s even have break rooms? whatever) lust. She’s like, “you know that electricity you feel when you’re next to someone you really, really like. where every time you get close to them you feel this MAGNETISM and your entire body feels hot--”

--and all I could think of was how that sounded EXACTLY how Bella described her feeling towards Edward in Twilight, and just how ridiculous it sounded. That’s some YA bullshit, that’s not real.

And then our other friend in the chat was like “yeah.”

Oh. Well I guess I just have a lower sex-drive than you guys. That’s whatever.

I didn’t really identify as asexual until I saw a post about an aspec identity called autochorissexuality. 

The term autochorissexual describes a subset of asexuality which is defined as: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.

That...kinda sounded like me....

Like I said, I masturbated and all that jazz so I assumed I couldn’t be asexual. I literally loved orgasms. I read smut and watched porn to get off like I assumed the rest of the world did, not even really realizing that a lot of people...get off...thinking about people doing stuff....to THEM.

I do not think about people I know when I masturbate. It feels incredibly weird for them to pop up in any of my fantasies, and I kinda just assumed that meant I wasn’t attracted to any of them (which I’m not), so it was fine. It didn’t really occur to me that I literally NEVER fantasize about myself when I get off. If I read smut I’m thinking of the characters. If I watch porn I’m thinking of the actors. Never am I imagining someone hot and sexy doing hot and sexy things to me. I’m not even very good at getting off based on my imagination alone, unless I’m basically writing my own smut in my head and imagining what THEY enjoy. The thought of imagining things being done to ME feels weirdly...embarrassing? I don’t know. I don’t dig it, so I don’t think it. 

Again, it did NOT even occur to me that that might not be how other people operated.

I also didn’t know that asexuality COULD have subcategories like that, other than aromanticism, which was an identity I toyed with for a while and ultimately am still unsure about.

But learning that liking orgasms =/= allosexual was kind of a wake-up for me. 

After learning about autochorissexuality (which, while I am incredibly, infinitely grateful that someone coined that term so I could learn more about myself, I will never identify as because it is a mouthful and I honestly don’t know how to pronounce it), I began identifying as asexual. I was 21 at the time. I’m almost 26 now.

A couple people know. Mostly people who follow me on tumblr that I also know in real life. I never really had to “come out” to them per se because they saw my posts and rolled with it. Wasn’t a big deal. I think that I actually had a conversation and TOLD those friends in that group chat, but that didn’t feel like coming out, more like all of us finally coming to a realization about me we should have figured out a lot earlier. Also, they’re friends from tumblr, so they’re not the types to make a big deal out of that stuff either.

Even though I have a couple of tumblr friends that I skype with regularly, I don’t really bring it up in conversation that much. Like two of my irl friends (who, again, follow me on tumblr) know, and we don’t really talk about it much either. It’s there, we all know, but if I don’t bring it up, they don’t either.

I’ve never really “come out” before. Had to sit someone down and have the conversation. Part of me thinks it’s kind of pointless, because whether or not I’m sexually attracted to others isn’t any anyone else’s business, really. It doesn’t super impact my work life or my life with my friends or family, so why does it need to be said? If I decided I liked women and wanted to date one, that would be a big change that I’d have to address to someone. But me being asexual is just me continuing to not have sex with anyone, the way I always have. Seems like a weird thing to cause a fuss about.

But it’s part of me. And I want to talk about it sometimes. 

But I don’t even know how that conversation would go. Asexuality is a relatively invisible subset of the LGBTQIA+ community. Like, it’s the last letter, the one that often gets cut off. And when people do bring up the A, it’s for Ally. I’m not gonna get into the discussion about that, I don’t know enough queer history to form a hot take, but the point still stands that many people don’t know about asexuality. And while it seems relatively easy to explain, I guess--

”I don’t experience sexual attraction”

--it also feels way more complex than that. And I’m not very good at articulating why I’m NOT something else when I have a hard time identifying what that something even IS. I was the kid who thought having a “type” was shallow and mean! It didn’t occur to me that people’s sexual fantasies INCLUDE THEMSELVES AS PARTICIPANTS. So how do I explain my lack of attraction to people?

But maybe I’m being too reductive of the masses. Like, I’m not the brightest bulb in the bunch but *I* was able to learn what was asexuality was on my own. Who’s to say others haven’t? Maybe I won’t need to give an informative slideshow every time I come out to someone.

...But what if I’m wrong? What if I get into a relationship one day and I find myself INCREDIBLY attracted to my partner? What if I get into a relationship with a WOMAN one day and realize that I was les/bi/pan this whole time? I know that demisexuality exists, I know that sexuality is a spectrum and people are constantly learning about themselves and evolving. I don’t want to downplay that or..or...invalidate that. I know. But I’m an idiot. And I can’t help feeling that if I come out and commit to fun new adjective about myself and then all of a sudden that adjective doesn’t fit me anymore I’ll be labelled as fraud for forever and ever. 

I know that’s probably unlikely for the most part. But it’s still something that’s there in my mind that I feel every time I think about talking about it.

I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t know why I’m writing this post because there isn’t some grand conclusion to my narrative or sweeping answer to my problems. My story continues for as long as I live and maybe things will change and maybe they won’t. I’d like to be able to come out one day and say it. To my sisters. To my coworkers. To some random dude hitting on me who seems kind enough to understand there’s a reason I’m reluctant to flirt back. Probably not to my parents. I don’t know if I want to present the slideshow to them about my lack of sex life, nor do I think they would handle my act of vulnerability with grace or tact (boomers, y’know).

I guess I can end this post by saying that it’s not all bad. Not being “out” kinda sucks, but right now, knowing is enough. There are a hundred other micro situations from my past similar to the ones I spelled out above that made me wonder what was wrong with me. I wanted to be able to like someone the way other people did, to have a normal relationship, but I couldn’t force myself to do it and I didn’t know what was stopping me. The whole am I just broken  conversation whirled through my head many a night in college when insomnia prevented me from sleeping and depression stopped me from giving myself a fucking break. It sucked, and maybe it’s a little grim to think of asexuality as a diagnosis to a lifetime of symptoms, but that’s kind of what it felt like.

And that’s not bad! Why? Because i know that I’m not alone and that this is NORMAL . Being asexual is not being broken! It’s something that many people identify with! And honestly that thought alone thrills me enough to make this whole ridiculous narrative worth it. There’s a whole world of people out there feeling the exact same way as me, and none of us are wrong for feeling that way. It is unreal the kind of confidence that gives you.

My friend from earlier, the one who desperately wanted to bang her co-worker, she said something to me the other day that struck me with how far I’ve come in terms of my identity. I was sobbing to her on the phone about a shitty thing in my life, as one does, and she pointed out how the strangest things will get to you while others don’t even have an effect. If someone mentions how I don’t have my drivers license at the ripe old age of 25 I legitimately have a breakdown on the phone with her about it, but if people make jokes about me being a virgin I don’t even bat an eye. 

And it IS weird. If someone would have made a virgin joke at me at age 20 I probably would have spiralled into one of my late-night, crying-into-my-pillow sessions about how much I fucking SUCK at being a human, but at age 25 it’s just...whatever. As someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, why WOULD I have had sex already? If I don’t seek it out, don’t want it, it’s not gonna be a part of my life, you know? And I don’t care. Past me, without this identifier, would have cared deeply. Current me could go her entire life without having sex and I don’t think it would drastically effect her mood. 

It’s weird how one little word can turn things around for you like that.

[kleeklutch]

Spring Cleaning or How Nursey Came to be Discovered Armed with a Hacksaw Sitting Naked Over Dex

2016 words. This is @randomnoteforfuturereference‘s fault  :P

Nursey lay with his head on his boyfriend’s chest, idly tracing patterns in his freckles with his finger tips. He sighed contentedly. Afterglow left him feeling loose, languid, almost like liquid, melted into his boyfriend’s planes and curves.

Under him, Dex seemed to be lightly dozing. Nursey sighed again and snuggled closer, if it was possible. As he closed his eyes, he thought how much he delighted in seeing just how brilliantly those freckles had stood out against Dex's rosy blush.  

Dex stirring interrupted his thoughts.

“Heeey,” Dex said, his voice thick, his eyes still closed.

Nursey looked up, giving him a view of the top of Dex’s head, still flecked with dust from cleaning out the attic storage that morning. “Hey."

“That was…”

“Amazing?” Nursey grinned.

“Amazing...and weird...but...Yeah. Amazing.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“I dunno. Being willing to try something new.” He nudged Dex. “I didn't think you had it in you Dexy.”

“What? The cuffs?”

He rattled the pink fur covered cuffs where they still bound his wrists to the bunk bed frame. “They're surprisingly comfy.”

They’d found them when going through the attic storage. Spring cleaning had been Bitty’s idea, but Ford was really the driving force behind it and got the whole haus involved.

Nurse had twirled the cuffs on his finger and quipped about using them. “What would Shitty do?” To his surprise and happiness, Dex had taken him up on his offer despite the cringiness that they were most likely amply used. “Man, Shitty is not how I want to make my life choices, but I’m up for it if you are.” “Really?!” “Yeah.” “Oh...Swawesome!” Nursey pocketed the cuffs while they finished putting things back.

Now, Nursey beamed. He gave Dex a quick kiss that turned into a much longer one before resting his head on Dex’s chest again. Here with Dex, it felt as though this warm bubble surrounded them, and the anxieties that so often beset him abated. He breathed deeply and evenly, not to self-calm, but because he was so totally relaxed and at peace. Nursey felt like he could lay there forever.

Dex, however, grew increasingly fidgety.

“So...uh...when’re you gonna get me outta these? I gotta take a leak.”

Bubble popped. Moment over.

“Oh! Yeah. I should do that. Hang on.” Nurse would have to figure out how to operate his limbs again.

Feeling leaden and sluggish, Nursey inelegantly kicked one leg over Dex. And then the other.

Dex winced. “Bladder!”

“Sorry!” Nursey whispered back hoarsely.

He slid his legs down off the bed so he was still chest to chest with Dex, savoring the last moments of skin to skin contact. He placed kisses on Dex’s lips, cheek, neck, collar bone, and chest as he slowly oozed out of the bed and recongealed on the floor. He reached out and grabbed his jeans from where he'd left them.

He checked his pocket. Then the other pocket. Then the back pockets.

“Nursey?” Dex asked.

Nursey blinked owlishly. He had a sinking feeling.

Dex twisted awkwardly to look more directly at him.

“Nurse.”

No response. A very bad sinking feeling.

“You lost the keys. Didn’t you.” After Nurse’s continued hesitation, Dex rolled on his back again and shut his eyes. “Oh my god.”

Nursey shook himself from where he stood frozen in the middle of the room, jeans still in hand.

“S’chill. I got you.” He grinned hopefully at Dex. He rechecked the pockets, even turning them out completely. “You know I probably left them on the dresser.” But a look there also turned up nothing.

He began patting down the bed, getting Dex to lift himself up the best he could aaand...nothing. He shook out the comforter and flat sheet.

Nursey looked helplessly at Dex. “I was sure…” he gestured weakly toward the crumpled heap of his pants, but now any excuse was useless. “Yeah. They’re lost.”

Dex shut his eyes and took a steadying breath. “Okay. This is okay. We can fix this.”

Nursey’s mind was racing. “I mean I could try to buy another pair and see if those keys would work but I'd have to take campus shuttle across town and find a store.” He got his phone and began typing. “And Holster said these cuffs are, like, from the ‘70’s yo. It's not even guaranteed another set of keys will work. Never should've used something from the attic.” What would Shitty do my ass, Nursey grumbled to himself. He looked up at Dex. “Is there even a sex toy store in-”

“My toolbox,” Dex blurts in frustration with Nurse’s rambling.

Nurse’s head jerked up. “You have sex toys in your toolbox?!” The whites showed around his green irises. There really was a lot he didn’t know about Dex.

“Oh my god Nursey, no. I have a hacksaw.”

Oh.

Oh! Nursey felt sick.

“Dude we don't have to saw off your hands to free you. I’ll call the fire department. Get the jaws of life. I'm sure they can deal with this. We can't be the only ones-” His thumb was already hovering over the “9”, his previous search forgotten.

“Jesus, Nursey. Hacksaw to cut off the cuffs.”

Relief flooded his system. “Oh I knew that. I totally knew that.”

He strode to the closet, shoved a pile of clothes out of the way and hesitated...there were multiple tool boxes.

Sensing his indecision Dex said, “It's the galvanized steel one. Black handle. Red logo on the front.”

“And your initials scratched in it.”

“That's the one.”

“Aw, Dex. Your initials are so messy!” Nurse looked over his shoulder. “What were you? Like five?”

“Twelve.”

Nurse blinked.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Nurse lugged the tool box over and opened it. He stared at the bewildering jumble of contents.

“Hacksaw...Um…”

“Thin serrated blade. Curved handle. Shaped like a “D”.”

“For d-man amiright?” He flashed a grin at Dex, trying to keep things light, thought his anxiety was crawling up the back of his throat and threatening to overwhelm him.

“I swear to god Nursey.” Dex’s everlasting impatience was a surprising comfort.

“Alright, alright. I got it.” He held the saw up triumphantly.

Nursey stood in the middle of the room, hacksaw in hand. He was breathing deeply again. But this time it was to calm the storm threatening to rise up inside him. Saw. Cuffs. Dexy’s hands. How was he going to do this?

“Unless you want to have a waterbed your going to have to hurry it up.” Dex chirped.

Like a man being led to the gallows, Nursey forced his legs to move forward. Somehow he made it to the bedside and was about to climb in when he turned abruptly and began pacing the room, agitated.

“I can’t do this. I can't do this. I can’t do this.” He ran his hand over his hair. “Can’t we get someone else?” Those green eyes pleaded with Dex to let him out of this. Please just let him out of this.

“Nononononononono. No way in hell! No one finds out about this. You got us into this mess. You’re going to have to cut me out yourself.”

Nursey paused his pacing to look at Dex, his hand still on top of his head. “You trust me. With a saw. Near your hands.”

Trust. What a loaded word. They’d been defense partners on the ice for three years learning every nuance of each other’s play so well they hardly even needed to communicate verbally anymore. They’d had a rocky start as roommates, but they’d worked that out. So well in fact, they’d been boyfriends for six months going. He trusted Dex. And Dex trusted him. But just how deep did that trust go?

Dex’s face went through several expressions as he looked at Nursey. Was he thinking what Nurse was thinking too? “Yes,” Dex said softly. Then his face set in the familiar determined amber stare. “Yes.” He repeated more firmly. “I trust you.”

Nursey’s face did a funny thing that was somewhere between looking like he was about to cry and completely and utterly in love.

With renewed confidence, but still nearly shaking with nerves, he strode across the room. He mounted Dex. Normally Dex’s warm breath on his stomach would make desire curl through him. But not now. He bent to kiss the top of Dex’s head. Then he placed the saw blade so he could cut cuff not flesh. Dex helped as much as he could to position the cuffs for him. “Chill,” Nursey said to encourage Dex as much as himself. And he began. It was nothing to work through the fluff and soon the harsh sound of metal-on-metal filled the room. The soft metal of the cuffs yielded easily under his effort, with each bite of the saw blade carving a path to freedom for Dex.

Nurse was nearly done with the first cuff when floorboards creaking, knob rattling, and hinges squeaking all happened too fast for the d-men to react, and suddenly Chowder was in the room.

For a beat they all remained frozen looking at each other in an awkward tableau. .. Dex in the cuffs. Nursey, naked, on top of him with the saw and Chowder just inside the doorway.

Shocked and slightly embarrassed by the sight in front of him, Chowder regained his composure and said, “Oh man! I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I heard the saw and...I was coming to tell you that Bitty ordered pizza...You know what I’m just gonna... y'all should use the lock or put out a sock or something.” He backed out into the hallway. “I really need to learn to knock with you two. Ok. Bye now.” He offered a thumbs up and shut the door tight.

Nurse looked down at Dex and they both burst out laughing. Nursey finished freeing Dex, who promptly ran to the bathroom and let out a relieved sigh and at least a liter of pee.

They got dressed to head down to dinner. Already the aroma of the pizza Bitty had ordered was wafting upstairs and made both their stomachs growl.

As they opened the door, Chowder was there. He nodded to the sin bin which he held in his hands. “Just empty your wallets gentlemen. Captain’s orders.” After the wallets were out and the cash was dropped, with accompanying salty stare from Dex and huge grin from Nurse, Chowder leaned in the room, squinting. “What’s that?” Nursey and Dex turned and followed Chowder’s line of sight till their gazes fell on a spot on the floor where the hall light was glinting off of something...small...and shiny...and metallic....wedged in a crack in the floorboards. “You have got to be kidding me,” Dex said. Nursey moved to the spot and picked up the tiny key ring with the two tiny, but Very Important Keys. “No way.” Nursey said in disbelief. “Something important?” asked Chowder. “Yeah, very important,” said Nurse as they moved into the hallway, Chowder leading the way down the stairs. “How did you not see that?!” Dex blurted. “I literally thought they were in my pants. How’d they-” “I let you use a saw near my hands and they keys were there all along!” “You said you trusted me” “And I do.” “But now you’re reneging.” “No I can’t believe you didn’t fucking see that.” “You didn’t see it either.” “You were blocking the view.” “We couldn’t see it till the hall light reflected off it.” “You wanna keep the door open next time?” “No I do NOT. But…”Next time” huh?” “Shut up.”

They bickered all the way downstairs where they were chirped mercilessly throughout dinner. Dex was brilliantly red and salty. And Nurse relaxed, the pizza, and beer, and even the chirps, doing a lot to unwind all the nerves that had been wound so tight that afternoon. Casually he leaned back in his chair, checked his phone, clicked “confirm payment”, and “next time” could be as soon as two-business days away. Chill.

[trulymadlysydney]

So imagine you live in the same building as Harry. Let’s say you ordered some sex toys online bc like why the fuck not amiright?? And it says it’ll come in inconspicuous packaging so of course, you order a few things. Maybe your apt is near Harry’s or your apt# is similar and that package ends up at Harry’s & it’s unfortunately painfully obvious what’s inside but he’s just trying to be nice & get it to you but you’re beet red & he’s smirking as he hands over your obvious bag of dildos.

Like a hot neighbor AU OMFG

Maybe you’re both a little red but he’s smirking and he finds this a lot more amusing than you do.

“Uh… well thanks.” You take the box from his hands, and everything feels like it’s in slow motion. You want this to be over with but you can’t seem to move fast enough.

He clears his throat as he lets go of the box. “Yeah. Have a good night.”

That makes your face go even more red, and he laughs at that. “Sorry. I just…. I didn’t mean… because of the….” He reaches up to rub at his nose, and if you weren’t so embarrassed you’d be almost turned on at the smirk on his face.

“Yeah.” You nod, willing him to please *shut up* before he finishes that sentence. “Uh. You too. Have a…. have a good night.”

“Yeah.”

You both linger there for a minute, neither of you really knowing what the hell you’re supposed to do, even though your brain is screaming at you to just close the door.

He clears his throat for what feels like the 80th time. “Right.” He nods his head, shoves his hands in his pockets, and turns on his heels to disappear into his own apartment.

You continue to stand there stupidly, replaying the painfully awkward last few minutes in your mind. (And picturing that god-awful beautiful fucking smirk of his)

When you finally do close the door, you shake your head as you come back to reality. That was awkward, but your neighbor— Harry, if you remember his name correctly— is sexy as hell.

And that night, when you’re playing with your new toys, you allow your mind to drift to thoughts of him. That smirk. What those lips would feel like on your body.

And when he hears the softest little moans drifting through the paper thin walls of his apartment and feels his pants getting a little bit tighter at the thought of what you must be doing, he selfishly hopes you’re thinking of him.

[softspideys]

More Than That

summary: looking back on it, you wondered why you thought that you and tom could ever be just friends

warnings: none

word count: 2.6k

pairings: tom holland x reader

a/n: because we all needed a tom college!au amiright ladies 

You collapsed back onto the bed, still breathing hard. Your body was still warm and slightly sweaty, but the sheets beneath your bare skin were cool and soft. Next to you, Tom nuzzled his face in your neck, kissing it gently. The action was definitely out of place for him, but you were too tired to really register it. The two of you lay there in silence for a while, catching your breaths. 

“Hey,” Tom’s voice made you open your eyes, “don’t fall asleep.” 

“I know, I know,” you said a little grumpily, sitting up. “I’m going.”

“Wait.” He caught your wrist, stopping you. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He seemed almost offended that you thought so, which made you want to roll your eyes. Tom had never let you stay the night, no matter the time or the weather condition. You’d come over, have mind-blowing sex, and then leave straight away. That was how it had been for almost five months now.

“You wanna get something to eat?” Tom asked.

You blinked. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m hungry.” He sat up and stretched. “Sex makes me hungry, you know this.”

“Yeah, but you’ve never asked me to actually get food with you afterwards,” you pointed out.

He gave you a look, like you were being the weird one. “Do you want food or not?”

“Fine, I guess,” you said, exasperated. You put on the sweatpants and sweatshirt you’d arrived in, now strewn about carelessly on the floor. Tom did the same, and afterwards, the two of you looked at your reflections in his mirror.

You tried to comb your hair down with your fingers. “Wish I had my brush,” you muttered.

“Here,” Tom reached over and gently untangled a knot in your hair. You winced, expecting it to hurt, but he didn’t pull once. His fingers worked through your hair carefully, almost hesitantly. “There you go,” he said, and sure enough the knot was out.

“Thanks,” you said, eyeing him suspiciously. “Ready to go?”

He nodded, and you left his dorm. There was a 24-hour diner a short drive away, so the two of you ended up in a booth there.

You ordered waffles with a bowl of fruit, while Tom got a cheeseburger, fries, and onion rings.

“Gross,” you commented.

He grinned. “I’m a growing boy.”

You slid off your shoes and stuck your legs out, putting your socked feet on the opposite booth so they were almost touching Tom’s waist. You expected him to be grossed out, but he merely scratched the bottom of one, laughing when you jerked away at the ticklish feeling.

When your food came, you ate in amicable silence until Tom said, “This is nice.”

“Yup,” you agreed absently, more focused on pouring syrup on your waffles.

“No, I mean it,” Tom said. “We should do it more.”

“Do what?”

“Hang out.”

Now you looked at him. What was he doing? You and Tom never hung out. From the moment the two of you met, he’d made it clear he wasn’t looking for anything other than sex.

Fortunately, the waitress came by before you had the chance to answer. “More coffee?” You nodded gratefully and took a big gulp, hoping it would give you some time to think.

But when you put your cup down, Tom said abruptly, “Did I tell you I got a 90 on my bio exam the other day?”

“No,” you said, surprised. Despite the confusion you were feeling, you were also happy for him. Tom was a smart guy, but he hated studying. You were constantly nagging him to do his work, and it seemed like he’d finally listened. “That’s awesome.”

“Thanks,” he said, seeming genuinely pleased.

“See what happens when you actually study?” you teased.

“Yeah, yeah.” He knocked his foot against yours. You kicked him back, and it soon escalated into an extreme footsie war until you finally ended it by nearly kicking him in the crotch.

“Hey, easy!” Tom yelped, dodging you. “You almost just ended my chances of having children.”

“Maybe that’s for the better,” you said, laughing at the offended look on his face.

“What, you don’t think I’d be a good dad?” he asked.

You pretended to study him, resting your chin in your hand. He smiled winningly, and you felt your heart swell a little. You knew for a fact that Tom would be a great dad – the type whose kids would have him wrapped around their fingers, who’d show up to every sports game, recital, or performance, who’d dote endlessly on them no matter how old they were.

“Yeah, you’d be okay,” you said finally.

“Do you want any? Kids, I mean?” Tom said.

You found yourself answering honestly. “I don’t know, maybe. I feel like it’s still too early for me to even be thinking about it, you know? I’m not even sure if I’d even be a good mom.”

“Don’t say that,” Tom said immediately. “You’d be an amazing mom.”

“You think?” you asked, surprised.

He nodded. “Yeah. I really do.” The two of you stared at each other silently before he cleared his throat. “Uh, should we go?”

“Yeah,” you said quickly, and the two of you got up and went to pay your tab. The waitress hadn’t given you separate checks, but Tom insisted on paying for the whole thing.

“It’s like $20, it’s no big deal,” he said when you protested.

And maybe it wasn’t a big deal normally, but right now it was. Was this Tom’s way of making it a date? Was he doing this purposely?

You left the diner and started to head to the car, but Tom said, “Wait, you wanna walk around a little?”

“Tom, it’s almost two in the morning,” you complained. You didn’t even add that “walking around a little” was not something the two of you did, ever.

“So? C’mon, the river is right there. It’ll be fun.”

It didn’t sound remotely fun, but he was smiling at you hopefully, and you’d always been a sucker for that smile. So you reluctantly walked with him towards the river.

You strolled for a few minutes until you came to a lookout point. You leaned against the railing and looked down at the water.

“Don’t fall in,” Tom said jokingly, shaking you by the shoulders a little.

You shot him a glare. “Dick.”

He laughed, coming up next to you to lean against the railing too. You didn’t speak for a few seconds, and when you glanced at him he was already watching you, his head resting on his folded arms. A tiny smile was on his face.

You felt your cheeks involuntarily heat up. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said, turning back to face the water. “Nothing at all.”

You rolled your eyes, focusing on the horizon once more. You pretended not to notice him inching closer and closer until finally, the tips of his fingers were just touching yours. Both of your arms were still folded, so you could just barely feel it.

You didn’t say anything, and you didn’t pull away either. When Tom asked, “Ready to go?” you merely nodded and followed him back to the car.

You were silent until you were about halfway to your dorm, when you finally said, “Why are you doing all of this?”

Tom didn’t answer for a second. “Doing what?”

“We’ve been . . . whatever we are . . . for nearly five months. Not once have you asked me to get food, or go for a walk, or do any of the stuff we did tonight. And it’s fucked up, Tom, so I just want to know what’s going on.”

“It’s fucked up?” he repeated. “It’s fucked up that I want to do something nice?”

“Yeah, it is!” you snapped. “It’s fucked up because all you’ve ever wanted was sex, and that was fine with me. So I would just like to know what the deal is.”  

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Tom said, gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white.

“Just say how you feel! That’s all I’m asking!”

“Fine!” he practically shouted. “I like you, okay? I like you and I wanted to show you by taking you out. Sorry if that’s wrong, sue me I guess.”

“Oh no,” you said with a humorless laugh. “You do not get to act like the victim here.”

“Oh, and you are?”

“Yes!” you said, raising your voice. “Yes, I am! Because for the past five months our only interactions have been me coming over for an hour or two to have sex. You made it very clear from the beginning that you weren’t looking for anything other than that, and now that you’ve decided to change your mind you can’t just expect me to go along with it!”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying we’re friends with benefits. Nothing more.”

“I don’t want that, though.” Tom’s voice had softened. “I want to be more than that.”

“You could’ve been,” you said as he pulled up in front of your building. “If you had just decided earlier, you could’ve been.” You opened your door. “Thanks for the ride, I guess.”

“Can you please not go?” Tom asked. He didn’t sound angry anymore, just sad. “Can we talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you said, getting out of the car. You hesitated. Whenever you left him you always said “see you later,” because you knew you would. But this time, there wasn’t going to be a later. You and Tom were done. “Bye.”

You closed the door and walked to your dorm, fighting back the tears that had been building up the entire car ride. What kind of sick joke was the universe trying to play on you?

When you met Tom at a party at the beginning of the year, you’d fallen head over heels for him. He was cocky and all too aware of how good looking he was, but there was something about the way he’d grinned at you as he handed you a drink and said, “So what does a guy like me have to do to hang out with a girl like you?” that drew you to him.

That night wasn’t the only night you ended up in bed with him. You were excited, hoping it would eventually lead to a relationship, but he quickly crushed those dreams as soon as they grew. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he casually said one day, only sex. He didn’t want to date anyone, but he liked having fun with you.

It hurt, but you figured it would hurt more to not be with him at all. So you never told him about your feelings and did your best to extinguish them. And up until now, it had worked.

This just wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t he have realized these feelings, say, five months earlier? Why couldn’t you just be a normal couple?

You entered your room and fell face-first onto your bed. Your roommate, who was doing homework at her desk, raised her eyebrows at you. “Long night?”

“You have no idea.”

* * *

Tom didn’t call you or text you once. While you were glad, you were also a little disappointed. You’d never gone a day without having some form of communication with him, whether it was you coming over tomorrow? or just I saw a girl wearing the same shoes as you today

You missed him, plain and simple. You missed running your fingers through his hair, looking into his eyes, feeling his mouth on yours. You missed the stupid shimmy he always did when he was trying to get his pants off, and the times he’d throw you over his shoulder to carry you to his bed.

“So just talk to him,” your roommate said on your second week of wallowing. “Tell him you want to be with him.”

“After all of that? No way,” you said, wishing you hadn’t been so awful to him that night. He’d even asked you to stay so you could discuss it like adults, and all you’d done was blow him off. You weren’t sure he’d even want to talk to you.

You deserved it, though. Tom definitely wasn’t blameless here, but you couldn’t let him take all of it.

“God, I hate this,” you moaned into your pillow.

“Listen,” your roommate said patiently. “Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll say it again. Do you love him?”

You were silent for a second. Finally, you mumbled, “Yes.”

“Then why are you here?”

You rolled onto your back, staring at the ceiling. And then it was like a switch inside of you flipped and everything suddenly made sense. “You’re right.”

You stood up and slipped on your shoes and jacket. “I’ll be back!” you yelled as you slammed the door behind you.

Tom’s dorm was across campus, and you practically sprinted there. You waited until someone came out before catching the door and going inside. You made the trek up the two flights of stairs and down the hall until you were at his room, the place you’d spent so much of your time this past year.

And you knocked.

A few seconds later, he opened the door. He was in sweatpants and a black t-shirt, his hair curly around his face. He seemed surprised to see you. “Hey.”

“Hey,” you answered, fully aware of how sweaty and crazy you looked. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Cool. Can we talk?”

He stared at you for what seemed like ages before he said, “Okay.” You thought he might let you in, but he merely leaned against the doorframe, waiting.

“Uh, okay, well, I know it’s been a while since we last . . . spoke. And I feel really awful with how we ended things. So I just want to say I’m really sorry.”

His eyes softened, so you kept going. “The truth is that I really liked you when we first met, and when you told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship, it hurt a lot. So I tried to just forget about all of that. But when you told me what you told me the other night, it just kind of threw me off.”

“Oh.” Tom chewed his lip. “For the record, I’m sorry too. It’s a dick move to say you want to be friends with benefits for months and then suddenly decide you don’t want that anymore. So. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you said quickly. “I’ve just been thinking and I wanted to tell you that I feel the same. About everything.”

He blinked. “You do?”

“Yeah. Not talking for the past two weeks made me realize how much I’ve gotten used to you.”

He smiled a little. “Gee, thanks. I was trying to give you space.”

“Well, I don’t need space anymore,” you informed him. “I just want to be near you.”

“God, you’re sappy,” he teased. He held out his hand. You took it and he pulled you close. He leaned in and you closed your eyes, expecting him to kiss you, but all you felt was his nose bumping yours.

You opened your eyes, practically crossing them so you could watch Tom brush your noses together. “Are you giving me an Eskimo kiss?” you asked slowly.

“Yup. Seeing as we’re together and all, I figured I should.” He blinked at you, a little worriedly. “We are together now, right? Or did I completely misinterpret that?”

You laughed, simultaneously stretching up to kiss him and pushing him back into his room. “Yeah, Holland, I guess we are.”

“Cool, cool.” Tom practically kicked the door shut, his hands coming to rest on your waist. “What do you say we consummate our relationship . . . girlfriend?”

You pulled back to smile at him, reaching up to brush your thumb across his cheek. “Sounds good to me . . . boyfriend.”

[positive-lesbian-vibes]

I've got a few more:

"Haha yeah I'm head over heels for my boyfriend!! What do you mean you always felt like I hated him? Just because I dont like talking to him or spending time with him and I hate kissing him and I dont want to be any kind of intimate with him at all doesn't mean I'm not madly in love with him!!"

"What do you MEAN you dont choose your crushes I thought we all decided to like White Boy #3 because hes funny or whatever"

"Wow I think I met my True Love! Mr. Right half-smiled at me, didnt call me a bitch, and said something mildly humorous in class. Hes the one!"

"Ah yes, butterflies in the tummy... well I would describe it more like angry nornets making me nauseous but that's just normal crush nerve I guess :) really aggressive butterflies haha"

"I know theres the right man out there for me, just because I have literally never met a single guy I have ever liked doesnt mean he isnt out there! I'll keep waiting :) and waiting :) and waiting :)"

"I'm saving myself for marriage because why would you even want to have sex anyway? Outside of marriage I mean haha I'm sure once I say my vows I will have a complete 180 and actually want to fuck this man"

"All straight girls fantasize about marrying other women, Cindy, it's because it's hot to pretend you're the guy and see a woman walking down the aisle because... I want to... uh.... marry a woman? But like only if I was a guy. This Makes Sense."

"Hmm that girl is Very Pretty and I like talking to her and want to be close to her and love it when she smiles... I guess I must be really jealous of her boyfriend and secretly hate her. This Makes Sense!"

"Wait like you actually like kissing your boyfriend? Like you Want To Do It? You dont just do it because he likes it? What do you mean you are supposed to want to kiss your boyfriend?"

"Guys are so lucky they get to date girls haha having a girlfriend sounds really nice that would be so cool if I could have a girlfriend :) as a GUY of course haha too bad I have to date dudes haha yucky amiright ladies? What do you mean you WANT to date guys"

Fun comp het things

“Um I’m definitely not gay I’m looking at that other girl’s boobs because I want my boobs to look like that haha”

“I’m not gay I love guys!! Just because I’ve never met a guy in real life that I have ever wanted to come into physical contact with ever doesn’t mean I’m not A MegaHet!!! I love Chris Evans”

“I’m just not in a position in my life where I want to date any guys right now… nor have I ever been in a position where I want to date guys but I’m Straight I Promise”

“Thinking about having sex with other girls? That’s just things all straight girls do haha… Because I’m thinking about stuff that guys would find hot, obviously”

“Theoretically I could see myself with a faceless and featureless man who has no discernible human characteristics in the future! Haha my dream man, you ask? Uh, we’ll he’s got hair, a face, eyes probably…”

“No I Don’t Only Get Crushes On Unattainable Guys Who Will Never Like Me Back Cara Shut Your Mouth”

“Girls are just prettier than boys, you know? Because like, girls can wear makeup and stuff. Even though girls without makeup are still prettier than boys. This Is Heterosexual And Science Trust Me”

“Um haha yeah I like him but I don’t want to be around him or talk to him or touch him ever haha what do you mean that IS normal haha”

“Listen,, me having 18 girl crushes is Normal and Heterosexual who doesn’t wanna fuck Kristen Stewart”

“Um straight girls can also like Hayley Kiyoko”

“I don’t really think I wanna get married because I don’t want to be tied down?? I definitely wanna live with my lady best friend when I’m older though we can have sleepovers every night and cook together and cuddle while we watch movies haha she’s the best and I love her and never want to be without her ever. But ew I definitely don’t want to get married I’m scared of commitment haha”

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love's a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

A/N: We've been writing this fic for over a year now and it's strange to think this is the last time we'll be doing this. Thank you so much for all of your support and we hope you enjoy the final chapter <33

Masterpost

Chapter Nine

 *picks up after “true bros swallow” from chapter seven

-

don’t judge me makila

I’m 110% judging right now smh no homo just bromo

I came here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

Not as attacked as Dan’s cock amiright

STOP THIS IMMEDIATELy

...That's what he said and then Phil made him

My mind is literally blank rn jfc i have absolutely no comebacks whatsoever

On a scale of one to Dan’s mind during orgasm from a brojob how blank?

Like dan’s mind during orgasm and then some

Yet somehow Phil Lester’s lips aren't involved. I think he got the better deal, really. Also cuddles after

Im jealous of dan i want phil lester’s cuddles :<

I swear to god we sound so ace right now 100 to 0 real fast

*writes sex scene* “Wow i cant wait to cuddle the fuck out of phil” 100% ace

Seriously though Phil probably gives some of the best cuddles imaginable I'm jealous

My friend met him and she said he gives the best hugs out of anyone she’s ever met

You know what fuck Phan I'm stealing Phil for myself

“Hi do u have any philxreader fics” dats u

“I don't want the yang wang dang just the hugging”

Im fucking pissing myself im hilarious

I think my mom just heard that snort

Im literally laughing so hard and my dogs started barking bc of it christ i need sleep

Jesus Christ has very little to do with this conversation, trust me ;)))))))))))))

I hope he isn’t too mad that i started involving him in our crimes

We’re all going to hell anyway, what's one more crime really

Imagine if jesus went to hell with us JESUS READS TOO MUCH GAY PORN

“So what was your punishment?”

“I liked sucking cocks too”

“Same. Only bros?”

“True bros swallowed. Dat was me.”

Jeezy wheezy (sry i cant type wow) thats amazing and i had something to say but i dont REMEMBER

They say losing your memory this early means you're definitely screwed and damned to hell

I mean we already knew i was going to hell so whats the difference

I've spent my evening reading gay porn stars AU instead of studying that ship has sailed

Porn star aus are the best thing ever no ragerts

“Ragerts”-Rachel, 2016

The sin has clouded your thoughts

Im gonna get that tattooed on me “no ragerts”

You can say not only were you extremely drunk when you got it you were also drunk when you thought it up. A win win

“How did you get that tattoo??” “Well im always drunk man”

“Drunk on gay smut and memes”

I read too much about bros swallowing loads

You need to fire your autocorrect and get a better one

Im on my computer so looks like i just have to fire my brain

Our wordcount has upped significantly can we just keep this here. “Now presenting a short intermission from your writers”

Oh my god when we upload the last chapter (whenever the fuck that will be jesus christ what are we doing with this story) we should post this

Imagine the day when our inboxes will no longer be filled with messages of “WHEN THE FUCK IS THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YLAFD GOING TO BE UP??????”

That’s the day that the earth will truly implode

See the real question is who’s going to store all these screenshots on their camera roll? Forfeit those sick GBs

I can screenshot them on my computer hahaha

Way to ruin the moment Rachel wooooooow :(((((((( That was so low not even Dan could recover (get it because he’s a bottom? I'm so tired smh)

Sorry bro (*insert lenny face here bc im too lazy to do that*) i hope dans proud of me

He knows it's just about bros doing bro things I'm sure he’d fully endorse our fics. (And let’s be honest, I'll bet you one hundred dollars this hasn't happened to him at least once)

Oh him and phil have d e f i n i t el I GIVE UP fucked

Which will come out first? Dan Howell or Sherlock’s next season? YO MAMA’S SO FAT BY THE TIME SHE TURNS AROUND DAN HOWELL CAME OUT!!!!!1!

JESUS CHriST “How many licks does it take for dan howell to come out?” “The world may never know”

Oh he’ll be coming all right *insert lenny face*

HE’LL BE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN HE COMES

╚═( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)═╝╚═(███)═╝╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…..╚(███)╝……╚(██)╝………(█)……….*

WHAT THE FUCK MAKILA NO the human centipede lol

ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ POOP

Ur enjoying urself aren’t u

FIGHT ME (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง (what? I don't have an entire wall of lenny’s saved to my notes for this very purpose that would be ridiculous haha ha ha ha…)

Usually when i use a lenny face i go back and copy it from one of my friend’s text messages so ALL THE JUDGEMENT HERE UR FIRED

AT LEAST LENNY STILL LOVES ME 
( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° )ᕤ holy shit we broke 14k yay us #rakilaftwrioolymipcs2k16

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) we literally broke 14k because we wrote an entire essay about how much of a meme we are (why is this a different color text wtf)

All better. The perfectionist in me is satisfied.

Im proud of you makkypoo

BU-BUT SENPAIIIIIIII REALLY????? JU-JUST ME???????

JUST U MACKLEMORE (i think im so funny)

Macklemore I'm dying (right and Phil’s dating Dan. Oh wait)

I think your nickname is no longer makila but instead macklemore

Once we release these screenshots it will be THANKS RACHEL UR FIRED NOW

BUT ): A KOUHAI CANT HIRE THEIR SENPAIIIIIIII (also i hope you start getting messages about macklemore now)

WOW I FEEL SO LOVED :,(((((((((( a single man tear

A man tear… like uh i dont have a fucking comeback im So TIRED LIKE UR MUMS MAN TEAR

THE NERVE!!!!!!!!!1!1! WELL YOUR MUM’S MAN TEAR IS SO UNMANLY NOT EVEN DAN WOULD THINK IT WAS ATTRACTIVE SO THERE BITE ME

Cuz we all know dan thinks every man tear is attractive rip to dan’s heart (and his sexuality)

“Here lies Dan’s heterosexuality and heteronormativity. It will be sorely--screw it no it won't.”

Dan’s heterosexuality&heteronormativity,,, June 10, 1991 - Today (what is today) August 20, 2016

“We gather to celebrate with smut and Lenny human centipedes.” I need sleep so badly right now smh I'm dead tomorrow

GO TO SLEEP (honestly i do too i have to wake up early to move back to uni rip)

I will if you do. A bro pact. (A broct? Pacbro?)

Just… stop right there LOL lets form a broct(?) and just brosleep it out

I hope Phil brohugs you bro

Thanks bro i hope phil brocuddles u my dude, my bro

Aw you mean it bro? U r always there for me, man, I luv u u r like a brother to me, bro

Bro… oh my god bro, that’s the broest thing anyones ever said to me… i love u bro.. Like bromantically

Not as much as I platonically 110% heterosexually love u bro. Just bromo tho no homo

That’s the new phrase of this fic “just bromo, no homo”

*deletes summary and changes it to that* seriously why aren't we sleeping GO TO BED RAKILA

OKAY IM GONNA ACTUALLY SLEEP NOW CUZ WE NEED IT

NIGHT BRO DON’T LET THE FIREFLIES BITE MAN

NIGHT TO U TOO BROKILA DONT LET TO BRO BUGS BITE

[itsmkjones]

I dream of Djinni

Sam x Reader

Content: Fluff and light smut

Word Count: 3226 (Sorry, this one was really long, but I kept it as short as possible and I for one found it really interesting, but, hey, I’m bias).

Sun danced through the cream lace curtain kissing the dangling crystals and casting colors about the room. You shifted, body thick with sleep, yet oddly energized as if you didn't spend half the night killing vampires. You wiped the sleep from your eyes, crisp clean cotton sheets slid over your naked skin drawing a tendril of confusion. You perched up on your elbow, startling as a mass jumped up onto the bed, bright green eyes staring inches from yours. The cat mewed, ducking is fuzzy head to nuzzle against your cheek.

“Baby?” A soft husky voice matching the gentle morning light vibrated against you.

You jerked stifling a gasp. A heavy arm eased off the curve of your hip, the attached hand pressing firmly against your hip, pulling you towards the owner. Warmth and comfort swirled around you like perfumed air. You rolled to your back, cat opportunistically half climbing on your chest and laying down. You peered to your left taking in the man laying nude beside you. His body pressed alongside yours intimately. He gazed into your eyes as if it were the most natural thing in the world. You study the gold swirling in pools of ever-changing hues, long chestnut hair framed a gorgeous face,  and dimples peeked out from a tender smile. The man reached over you rubbing the cat's head with his thumb, expression affectionate.

“Wait… I know you…” You mumbled tracing the line of stubble on his strong jaw. You eyebrows knit as you pulled at a memory that felt buried under stories of cement. “Sam?”

The man chuckled, the sound inviting thoughts of a fluffy blanket fresh from a dryer. “Uh, yeah, sweetie. You feelin’ alright?”

He cupped your cheek, callused hands caressing the warmth of your skin. His brows pressed together in loving concern. You caught his hand, savoring the simple touch. The heat of his touch eased your mind, erasing every ounce of any emotion edging away from pure bliss. You sighed happily. Sam pressed his lips chastely against yours. You hummed, smiling.

“Guess I'm just ask half asleep.” You mumbled.

The cat broke the atmosphere with a sharp cry followed by an onslaught of purrs. Sam grinned withdrawing his touch.

“This guy is hungry.”

He threw the covers off climbing grin the bed with long toned limbs. You stared openly at his naked form add he walked around the bed. Muscles rippled with relaxed comfort a good night’s sleep brought. Your gaze traced the lines of his broad shoulders, down his strong back and taut buttocks. He scooped up the cat, holding the animal against his chest before dropping a kiss to its head. The cat responded with a purr. As your eyes dropped lower, you were inclined to do the same. You raised an eyebrow, smirk twitching your lips.

“Well, good morning then.”

Sam ducked his head smiling shyly. “Heh, sorry… it is the morning.”

You bit your lip causing a shadow to flicker in his eyes. “I'm not complaining, Mister.”

Sam inhaled deeply, muscles twitching and tightening in his abdomen. He held out a hand. “Two minutes and I'll be right back.”

Your smirked deepened as you pulled down the covers revealing your breasts to the air. His throat moved as he swallowed hard. “One minute or I start without you.”

His eyes flicked between your face and the curve if your chest, lips tightening into a thin line. He wavered on his feet torn between feeding the cat and diving in top of you. He rose a finger, confirming your one minute deadline and rushed out the door. You grinned watching him leave before stretching out in the bed. Except for the nagging feeling tugging at the back of your mind insisting that you were forgetting something, you felt like you were in heaven.

Sam was back in three minutes. He slipped between the sheets flushing your bodies together as he ran his hands over every inch of your body. He kissed you, long and slow. Every movement he made was leisurely, drawing out each sensation and igniting sparks in every nerve. When pressed into you, warmth blanketed around your bodies growing with every steady roll of his hips until fire licked your skin and you teetered at the precipice, then like the sigh of his name leaving your lips you fell from the edge, melting and shuddering against him.

Sam left your bed an hour later after lingering caresses and cuddles to scrounge up some breakfast. You took your time showering, letting the high pressure knead your back muscles where the usual knots in your shoulders were suddenly gone. Like the bedroom, the bathroom was bright, airy, and clean. As you stepped out on a spot carpet the cat padded in. You wrapped yourself in a stark white towel add the cat licked the water dripping down your calf. You gave the creature a pat on the head, then scratched its chin to get a look at its collar. The metal tag read, “Rye” which you shrugged off as weird.

You came down the stairs, dressed and ready for the day with Rye at your heels. Sam, dressed similarly in jeans and a tee shirt smiled brightly at you as he plated French toast on the table straight from the pan.

“Butter and sugar are on the table.” He nodded to the condiments. “I'm warming up the syrup and coffee will be done in a minute.”

“What? No bacon?” You teased wrapping your arms around his narrow waist. “Does this mean you're getting bored of me?”

He twisted around capturing your lips in a sweet kiss that proved he had tasted some of the syrup. He bumped your nose with his and smiled.  “Never.”

You pecked him back before breaking away to take your seat. Without waiting for the syrup you buttered the toast and applied a generous amount of powdered sugar. The two ingredients melded together forming a thick layer of icing over the battered bread, all of which melted on your tongue as you took a bite. You moaned in appreciation.

“Careful,” Sam said slipping toast on his plate. “We don't have time for round two.”

You pouted. “I wasn't thinking it, but now that sounds like a fantastic use of time.”

He chuckled bringing a smile to your lips. “Be that as it may, Dean's going to be here shortly, and so is your sister for that matter.”

“Oh.” You frowned, the tug in your mind twisting into an itch. The light dimmed a fraction as you leaned into the feeling. “Why's that again?”

“It's Sunday.” Sam explained matter of factly. “You know… the day we set aside to spend time with them?”

His tone seemed so confident it eased the itch into a dullness you could ignore. But the nagging refused to dissipate completely this time. You chewed your lip wondering whether or not to confront it.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sam reached across the table, fingers curling sounds yours in a gentle squeeze. Brightness entered the room again bringing a sense of calm clarity into your mind. You leaned forward smiling at him.

“I'm perfect.” You gestured at the half eaten breakfast on your plate, then to the whole room. “All of this is just… perfect.”

He chuckled softly, chin ducking down. After a moment, he lifted his eyes to yours. “I know what you mean. I can't imagine what I did to deserve you.”

You hummed happily. “It's probably that thing you did with your fingers earlier.”

He laughed, head tilting back. Licking his lips, he looked at his lap. “Yeah, maybe. You do enjoy that a lot.”

The doorbell rang interrupting the moment, but nothing could disturb the joy singing in your heart. You snuck a kiss on Sam's cheek before hurrying to the door. Dean wrapped your in a tight hug the moment it opened. Your sister grinned at you as she opened the gate. She bounced up the walkway through a perfectly manicured garden.

“Move over Dean!” She ordered goodnaturedly, “Let me hug Y/n too, geez!”

She threw her arms around you the instant he let go. Her soft hair tickled your nose and the familiar scent of her deodorant wafted around her. A tender sorrow cut through the elation. A single dark cloud marred the flawless blue sky.

“Hey! You get to see her all the time.” Dean objected crossly. “I only get to see her for a second before my brother's all over her.”

“Dean!” Sam shot him a disapproving look from the doorway.

“Well it’s true.” He complained through a goofy grin. “Hey, man.”

Your sister pulled away quickly whispering in your ear. “At least the sex is good, amiright?”

You snorted elbowing her in the side. The reaction only made her giggle earning the two men's curiosity. Your sister pinched her lips together badly hiding her obvious innuendo.

“I guess that's our cue to give them time alone. You ready, Sam?” Dean asked.

“In a minute, I gotta clean up and shower.”

You smiled gratefully giving him a quick kiss. “Thanks, hun. I'll see you later?”

He squeezed your hand as you pulled away. “You got it. Remember the four of us have dinner tonight at 8.”

Your sister pulled on your hand dragging you away from the boys.

“Don't talk too much about me!” He called out returning your wave.

“No promises!” Your sister yelled back closing the gate behind you.

The day went by in a blur of colors and moments never straying from the complete contentedness that swallowed your brain in a mesh of euphoria. Dinner went better than any outing you ever remembered. After toasts, jokes, and an incredible meal you stumbled back home with Sam. His arm draped over your shoulder in casual closeness as you shared laughter up until the time you snuggled into his side under clean blankets. Before sweet sleep eased you into dreams, he placed a lingering kiss against your temple.

Light filtered through lacy white curtains. You blinked awake, but didn’t stir. A throbbing deep in your brain brought worrisome thoughts to stir. A cat jumped on the bed, a flash of metal with the word “Rye” inscribed on it caught your eye. You pet the cat eliciting a round of purrs. Your brows pinched together as a nagging feeling groped at your thoughts. You turned to see a man sleeping peacefully beside you. A name surfaced paced your thoughts, his face inspired warmth and comfort.

“Sam?” You brushed a strand of hair off his face. “Sweetie?”

He groaned awake, smiling the instant his eyes peeled open. “Mornin’ baby.”

He pulled you to him for a gently kiss. You grinned. “Lemmie feed the cat and I’ll be right back.”

He chuckled sleepily. “M’kay, I’ll try to wake myself up by then.”

You smirked. “I’m sure I’ll get you up in no time.”

The nagging grew as you descended the stairs into the kitchen. Rye brushed against your calves as you pulled out his food. You couldn’t shake the feeling that something was right on the tip of your tongue. You rushed back up the stairs to find Sam over the covers now, naked skin bared to morning air. Your gaze lingered over his tan toned body, muscles relaxed and tensed. You followed the lines of his body to where a single muscle rose unashamedly. You rose an eyebrow with a bemused smile.

“Well, good morning Mr. Winchester.”

He laughed and you jumped on the bed. He caught you on the bounce, hands spanning over your back as you kissed him teasingly. Much like the morning prior, warmth swam against your bodies bringing a sense of comfort and safety. You straddled him taking your time to pepper kisses over his throat and collarbone. His hands gripped your hips, but he let you set the pace. Your head lolled back, eyes rolling up as the myriad of sensations seized your body. You slouched over embracing the intensity, Sam rolled his hips steadily trading off control. When you rolled away, he held you close whispering affectionately in your ear. Eventually, he let you slip away to the shower. Rye licked your ankles as you stepped out. You frowned as the nagging came back full force, urging a the beginnings of a headache. You scooped up the creature paying it attention as you got ready for the day.

Sam was downstairs fixing French toast in a frying pan. He smiled as you approached the table. You noticed a plate already prepared for consumption. You let Rye jump from your arms. He headed to lap water from a bowl.

“Butter and sugar are already on the table.” He nodded to the condiments as he slid toast on his plate. “And I’m warming up syrup. Coffee will be ready in a minute.”

You frowned. “No bacon…”

“Uh, yeah…” Sam hesitated, his brows drew together as if he noticed something as well. “S-sorry about that.”

“No, no. I’m not mad.” You explained rounding the table to stand next to him. You rested a hand on his arm absorbing the warmth below his flannel shirt. “I just… have a weird sense of deja vu.” You shook your head. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Yeah…” He paused. “I know what you mean.”

You slid in your seat. “So what plans do we have for today?”

“Well, it’s Sunday, so your sister and Dean should be here soon.” Sam said as he took his seat. He froze for a moment, then shook his head. He poised to cut into the toast, then set his hands on the table and studied your face. “You know, I feel like we’ve done this before.”

“It’s kinda routine, right?”

“Not just that…” He licked his lips, reservation darkening his eyes. “It’s like we’ve done exactly this before.”

A knock came at the door before you could reply. Dean swept you in a hug with a big easy grin, your sister right behind him. She caught you as soon as he released. The words passing between them deepened the itch in your brain. You glanced at the sky. Its usual blue was dimmer, a few pewter clouds blocking the full sun. Sam came up behind you and you shared a worried look with him. Your sister swept you away before you could discuss it with Sam.

Rye jumped up on the bed. You rose without pretense. A haze hung outside the windows, the light patter of rain filling the room. Your head snapped to the side to find Sam rousing as well. You shared a long silent exchange. Rolling over on your side, earning a disgruntled mew from the cat, you traced Sam’s arm as you compiled your thoughts. The nagging was louder today, creating a buzz that felt so close to surfacing a clarity.

“Sam…” You exhaled worriedly. “Something feels… off.”

He sighed, lips drawing into a line. “I feel it too.”

“Somehow this all seems… unreal.”

He cupped your hand, thumb rubbing circles in your palm. “Do you… remember anything?” You frowned trying to concentrate. “I mean, anything before this? Like how we met?”

Pain pierced the upper left quadrant of your brain. A memory just out of focus fought against the haze. You winced clutching your head. Distantly, Sam sat up in concern. He gently held your elbows. He asked if you were okay, but all you could do was try to pull at the thread. You gasped as the memory unraveled.

“California!” Your hands dropped grabbing Sam’s biceps. “There was a… a Siren in Santa Monica killing all those students in Venice Beach. We ran into each other trying to hunt the same thing.”

Realization bloomed over Sam’s face. Thunder cracked outside. “That’s right and- and it turned out to be two Sirens working together instead of one!”

“W-wait… but that was months ago. I haven’t seen you since!” Slowly, you pulled the cover up over your chest suddenly aware of how naked you were.

Sam quickly climbed from the bed finding clothes and dressing promptly. You took the opportunity to do the same, grateful when he kept his back turned. Rye settled in the middle of the unkempt bed.

“I don’t understand how we got here…” You muttered.

“I’m not sure…” Sam responded glancing over to see if you were dressed. “I have theory though.”

You pulled a shirt over your head, the looked at him. “What?”

“A Djinn.”

“Djinn? Like… as in Genie?”

“Yeah, but an legitimate Djinn, as in from the Qur’an and other texts. My brother and I have run into a couple before.”

“I thought… they grant wishes and stuff. Why are we trapped in this… dream world?”

“Well, the first Djinn we ran into created a world from Dean’s subconscious wish, but it wasn’t perfect. The second one captured a friend into a nightmare, feeding on her fear.” He explained. “So, not all Djinn are the same.”

“Well…” You shrugged. “All things considered, this was a lucky break then. But why are we both here?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head searching through his thoughts. “I mean… Dean used dream root to rescue our friend from that second Djinn, so maybe…”

“You or I did the same…”

“Yeah, but Dean knew what was going on from the start. He was affected by the Djinn’s magic.”

“So… we both got jumped by the Djinn, but why are we in each other’s head?” You paused tapping a knuckle to your lips. “Although, it could be you’re not really real.”

Sam frowned. “I could say the same for you.”

“Alright, alright.” You waved away the doubt. “This is useless. How did your brother and your friend get out of here?”

Sam’s expression tensed. “Our friend faced her fear and the dream broke.”

“And Dean? With the first Djinn?”

“He killed himself in the dream and woke up.”

You fell silent. “Hell of a risk, Sam.”

“I know.” He sighed. “Tell you what, why don’t I try it and if it works, I’ll come back with the dream root and let you know.”

“What?” You exclaimed with obvious incredulity. “No! Sam, no! It’s too risky.”

“Well, we have to do something.” He reasoned.

You sighed. “You’re right. But maybe we can wait it out until your brother can contact us. He’s always with you right?”

Sam smiled humorlessly. “Yes, but it’s possible he won’t make it in time.”

“And there’s no guarantee that even if you make it out of here you can get to me in time and vice versa.” You crossed the room taking Sam’s hand. “So… together?”

Ten minutes later you sat on the bed with Sam, steak knives from the kitchen in front of you. You leaned against him savoring the feel the dreamscape provided. A storm raged in the world outside. He gave you a tight smile before selecting his knife.

He spoke in a gentle tone. “If this doesn’t work… I just wanted you to know that this… was nice.”

You smiled wistfully. “Same here, Sam.”

Wordlessly you picked up the remaining knife. Cold metal touched the fevered skin over your chest. You took a deep breath glancing at Sam for support. He nodded tightly and you plunged the blade into your heart, darkness stealing your light.

[cro0kedme]

Bnha fics amiright

Okay so I’ve read a bunch of bnha fics so I’m sharing funny or stupid moments i’ve read in fics. Just a spoiler warning for bnha I guess, If you haven’t watched or read the Manga I suggest you do! Also all of these are on Ao3 so if you wanna check them out please do that because they all cool as hecc, Now onto the post!

It didn’t take him long to make it to the study room his son was in, but all the running was putting a strain on his already shorter limit and slammed the door open. “So you are having sex!” All Might bellowed as he stood on the threshold of the room.

“Really.” The blond female, Toga Himiko if All Might remembered correctly looked up from where she was reading a magazine while sprawled across the floor. “Izu-kun you didn’t tell me? I would’ve put my book down.”

“Sorry must’ve slipped my mind,” Izuku answers flippantly without looking up from his knitting project. All Might stares at his son, how long has Izuku been able to knit? Finally looking up Izuku turns to the third member of their trio. “Hey Dabi, wanna join and make it a threesome?” The male doesn’t look up from the video playing on, what is clearly, Izuku’s phone.

“I thought it already was.” The man, Dabi, mumbles as the video comes to a close and the next one starts up right away.

“Oh yeah,” Izuku turns back to All Might with a scowl. “What do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy with my smutty fun times?” -You're not my dad!; Salmon_Wrighte

Mr. Robot: NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SAY SUCH THINGS LIKE THAT TO EACH OTHER Mr. Robot: TODOROKI-KUN, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS Mr. Robot: AND YOU BAKUGOU, YOU'RE NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THE WAY YOU'RE TREATING MIDORIYA IN THE EXAM IS NOT RIGHT

bakuboom: and who are you to scold

Mr. Robot: YOUR

Mr. Robot: FUCKING Mr. Robot: CLASS REPRESENTATIVE

-Class 1-A:a groupchat for study purposes (or not); one (sugalgi)

taperoll: okay hold up taperoll: bakugou? helping kiri? taperoll: did the heavens decided to throw a holy rock on his head to see sense?

bakuboom: do you wanna die, you piece of crap?

uravity: oh wow your nicknames went to a whole new level uravity: should i give you a B+ now?

bakuboom: .... bakuboom: you win this time

antboy: oh my god antboy: did kacchan just--

bakuboom: not a word, shitty nerd

twoface: i beg to defer twoface: but midoriya is far from being 'shitty' twoface: if anything, YOU'RE the shitty one here

zapzap: AND WE HAVE OUR WINNER -Class 1-A:a groupchat for study purposes (or not); one (sugalgi)

In the end, most of them spent more time watching Todoroki than they did the actual movies.

“Did… they just annihilate an entire planet?”

“Yep!”

“Out of spite?”

“It’s the Empire, it’s kind of their thing—ribbit.”

“Wait, where did his body go?”

“It disappeared.”

“How?”

“Magic.”

“I thought this was science fiction.”

“Yeah, but he just—he became one with the Force.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Well that’s awfully convenient.”

“Oh, here we go.”

“No, no, I’m with Todoroki. What are the odds that an otherwise impenetrable battle station was designed with a hole in it that leads directly from the core to the outside? And that the core is so unstable in the first place that one blast from that distance would ignite it? It’s a glaring design flaw that I highly doubt an organized force like the Empire would—”

“Maybe it’s on purpose—ribbit.”

“How do you mean?”

“Maybe one of the engineers who designed it was a traitor or something—ribbit. And he secretly hated the Empire, like they took him from his family or something, so he cozied up to them and made them trust him and then sabotaged it on purpose.”

“I dunno, Tsuyu, that sounds kinda far-fetched.”

“Wait, I don’t understand—why are all of you cringing at that kiss? It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Um.”

“Well...”

“Nobody tell him.”

“Midoriya?”

“Yeah, Todoroki?”

“Is something wrong? You seem unsettled.”

“Oh, I’m fine, it’s just… I dunno. I used to like Yoda a lot, but now he just… makes me nervous.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it.”

The room was silent. Todoroki’s eyes were glued to the screen. Everyone else’s eyes were glued to Todoroki.

“ Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”

“He told me enough. He told me you killed him!”

Uraraka had her phone out, surreptitiously filming Todoroki’s face.

“No. I am your father.”

Todoroki froze with a small handful of popcorn halfway to his mouth. On the screen, Mark Hamill screamed in anguish. Around him, all his friends waited on bated breath.

He took a deep breath, and whispered a heartfelt “What the fuck.”

“...She was his sister the whole time.”

“Uh… yeah…”

“His sister.”

“...Midoriya, are you crying?”

“Don’t judge me.”

“Deku, how many times have you seen this movie?”

“Look, he redeemed Vader, he brought his father back from the Dark Side, don’t judge me!”

“Iida-chan, are you crying too? Ribbit.”

“It’s—it’s a beautiful ending… and the funeral scene with the fire always just…”

“Wish I could do that to my father sometimes.”

“What’d you say, Todoroki? You’re kinda mumbling there.”

“Nothing.”

“Wouldn’t work anyway, Todoroki, he’s already on fire.”

“Midoriya-chan, now you’re mumbling too—ribbit.”

-Summer Stars;PitViperOfDoom

Not a quote, this fucking fic, just go read it. 

-Why are you like this?;chetroi

Shouto’s face felt like it was burning. Don’t set the blanket on fire. Don’t set the blanket on fire.

-Summer Stars;PitViperOfDoom

Inko didn't mean to slam a door in a thirteen year olds face but some things just happen when one unexpectedly came face to face with their sons ex best friend, current tormenter.

-erased potential;theslytherinpaladin

Midnight eyed the fox and then glanced up to toshinori. "This little brat belongs to you." "No, I don't belong to this idiot. I belong to that Idiot!"

-The servamp of Melancholy and his eve;Ren_Heart

Brain please don't melt I need you still-

A beacon in the dark;Nohaljiiachi

“That little— Where does he even keep all those guts?” She asks, more to herself than anything else, making Todoroki giggle-snort. “You’re still a chicken. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Todoroki replies, placid. “But I’m the luckiest chicken on the planet.” A beacon in the dark;Nohaljiiachi

Izuku tugs his metaphorical bullshitting degree from his bag, dusting it off before beginning. “I can make anyone hear things in a different language. Por ejemplo, estás escuchando mis palabras en español ahora. See?”

“Woah that’s… not combat related. And a really weird quirk.”

Behind Izuku, Shinsou and Uraraka both stifle laughs. “That’s because it’s not a quirk. I just know Spanish. You really think I’m going to reveal my quirk to you before we have to fight?”

-Undefined;Plantsandpaints

“Zenji! Call 911!”

“We are 911!”

“Shit!”

-You're the song I was looking for;tegan_is_done

Not a quote but a really fucking good fic, Even though it came out like fucking yeterday. 

-Ethereal Light; DomDomDraka

[mrandyzavala]

What IS A Dolphin? The Idealist vs Pragmatist

I just started my second (and final) year of my master’s program in forensic science.  One of the classes I’m taking is called Foundations of Criminal Justice, which is deliciously philosophical.  And believe it or not friends, I have found some interesting parallels in the marine mammal world with some of the stuff I have been reading in my textbook.

This is my life right now

In the second chapter, the author writes about idealists versus pragmatists, and how they would develop and implement aspects of the criminal justice system.  But the thing is guys, the author used an animal to illustrate the difference between the two perspectives.  And I realized HOLY CRAP THIS IS IT.  THIS EXPLAINS THE MAIN DISSONANCE BETWEEN THE GENERAL PUBLIC AND THE REST OF US.

So let's just not pay attention

To put it bluntly, idealists tend to develop an idea about something without much (or any) legitimate facts/evidence to support it.  Their goals are led by what they believe is the right or wrong ways to view/do things.  Pragmatists take a scholarly approach, letting the evidence and systematic observation of events or data develop and flesh out the goal.  So I'm reading this and then boom, suddenly I read how an idealist sees a dog (heroic, loyal, Rin Tin Tin) versus a pragmatist (something that pees in the house and eats all of your cupcakes).  And it is basically exactly like how most people see dolphins.

Dog-shaming is definitely an exercise in pragmatism

I could focus all my energy on school and really hone my understanding of this concept through the lens of my next chosen field, but I decided it would be better off in a blog. 

Here are some major idealist (read: most of the general public, including myself before I became a dolphin trainer) concepts of dolphins, and the pragmatist (zookeeper) response.  Bold is idealist, normal font is pragmatist.

Dolphins live in tropical waters that are also 78,000 feet deep

This is especially directed at obnoxious ARAs

Wrong.  Raise your hand if you have told someone about dolphins living in cold water and they look at you like you just ate someone else’s toenails.  I’ve encountered this when talking to guests about where they can go whale-watching in New England and geek out on the chance that they will see either Atlantic white-sided or white-beaked dolphins and they are like, “Uh, you moron, dolphins don’t live in cold water.”

Or these guys, who can ONLY live in cold water

The other bizarre part of this is that some idealists (myself included!) are shocked to learn that in many cases, warm water dolphins live in pretty shallow water, because that is where the fish are.  Until I moved to Florida, I thought all fish lived in deep water because like…you know, the bigger the fish tank the better or something.  

Dolphins will save drowning or distressed swimmers

Don't count on dolphins helping you

Okay, this may have happened once or twice.  Maybe.  But most of the time, if you get into trouble, dolphins will just sit underwater and laugh at you.  Or think, “Wow, that sucks.  Not my problem.”  Sounds a little familiar. 

Dolphins are gentle creatures who live in peaceful societies

Amiright

Plants don’t even live in peaceful societies.  Next question.

Dolphins are extremely intelligent and are friendly towards people

KNOW THE TRUTH

Yeah, those of us who know dolphins know that they are individuals whose intelligence and friendliness exist on a pretty broad spectrum.  

But the fact is, there are Jerk Dolphins out there.  Usually, they are the insanely smart ones.  They WILL steal your iPad.  They WILL bite your toes.  They WILL zoom into one of your guest’s um, male nether region.  They will dismantle hardware in the habitat and hide all the pieces so you freak out for hours trying to locate them while the guilty dolphins look at your and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

Dolphins are the only animals other than humans who have sex for pleasure

Side note: IT IS BASICALLY ALMOST HALLOWEEN

I admit, I bought into it when I thought that dolphins were somehow “higher” than other animals (and when I thought that there was such a linear ladder of intellectual and behavioral complexity in animals, silly me).   However, sex should feel good for at least one party in sexually-reproducing animals, otherwise it wouldn’t happen.

It’s not like a horse suddenly gets this idea in her head, “Oh, I can just magically tell I am ovulating.  Better find a genetically-fit stallion so we can copulate and contribute another data point to the Selfish Gene Hypothesis.”  No.  Like the rest of us (dolphins included), the chick horse is like, “I NEED A MAN.  THAT GORGEOUS ONE OVER THERE.  GET OVER HERE AND DO GOOD WORK, SIR.”

...and zookeepers are over here like....

Dolphins do use sex as a social tool more than some other animals, but they are not the only ones to do so (bonobos and gold diggers are classic examples).  

All dolphins want to do is play

World domination is serious

No.  Sometimes they want to eat.  Sometimes, they want to sleep.  Other times, they sit around and plot the demise of humans (spoiler: they are well on their way).   I've worked with a couple of dolphins who were just business-oriented, both in and out of sessions.  They would play once in a while, but for the most part they were basically like Dwight Schrute.

MARRY ME DWIGHT

Most of us have idealist viewpoints on many subjects, and that is not a bad thing.  I don’t really think it’s a good idea to be firmly in one camp or the other.  And it is easy to move from one to the other, especially when it comes to an understanding of animals and what they are like as a species AND as individuals. I definitely learned a lot more about dolphins after actually working with them, despite all that I had read and studied.  And while I am poking fun at the generalized, incorrect myths of dolphins people believe, I also realize that you know what?  That's how our brains work, until we get new information to assimilate into our understanding.   In the case of understanding animals,  the job of a zookeeper is to provide accurate information to our guests who may think that all dolphins are nice, or that rattlesnakes are evil, or whatever misconceptions they have about their generalized idea of whatever species.  Having an “idealist” concept of an animal doesn’t mean you are dumb.  It just means you get to learn some more cool facts, and have an even BETTER appreciation for that critter!

from The Middle Flipper http://ift.tt/2eRL7hH

[fifty-shades-of-succ]

1-150

Thank you! Haha here we go...

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Luke2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? No one.4. Are you easy to get along with? Idk anymore. I’d like to think so but who knows5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I think so6. What kind of people are you attracted to? The bad kind, I guess7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? No8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The prick9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nah10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jaren11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Hello?12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Shape of you, Closer, Paris, Electric Love, Love yourself 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Idk never had it happen to me14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes15. What good thing happened this summer? I went to France16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Never kissed someone17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yes19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes20. Do you like your neighbors? Yes21. What are your bad habits? Biting nails, overthinking, treating people who don’t deserve it too nicely.22. Where would you like to travel? France, America, Britain23. Do you have trust issues? Yes24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going to sleep and being at peace finally.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My legs26. What do you do when you wake up? Take a while to get myself out of a daze and then check my phone27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? A little more darker so I was tanned28. Who are you most comfortable around? Calum, Luke, and Jaren and Brad29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No.30. Do you ever want to get married? Yea, one day I guess.31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Dylan O’Brien and Taron Egerton33. Spell your name with your chin. ebony34. Do you play sports? What sports? Badminton and Soccer for school35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Without Tv36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Funny, loyal and compassionate39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Cotton on, Myer, Bonds40. What do you want to do after high school? Die (oh wait no thats before high school ends) uhhhh do schoolies and then do a military gap year41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No. Not anymore.42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m either super relaxed and chill or I’m about to burst into tears.43. Do you smile at strangers? Depends if they look kind enough44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Space, fuck the ocean45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My parents46. What are you paranoid about? Exposing too much of myself47. Have you ever been high? No48. Have you ever been drunk? No49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Yes...50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Maroon51. Ever wished you were someone else? Every day52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My likability53. Favourite makeup brand? Nars? I think? Or too faced54. Favourite store? Myer55. Favourite blog? @dont-drop-your-ascots​56. Favourite colour? Purple, Orange and Black57. Favourite food? Pasta58. Last thing you ate? Dinner59. First thing you ate this morning? A milo60. Ever won a competition? For what? A story writing thing in prep, and a science quiz thing in year 861. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No62. Been arrested? For what? No63. Ever been in love? Yeah. Fuck it.64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? No65. Are you hungry right now? No66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? All my tumblr friends except one are my real friends so67. Facebook or Twitter? Neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? No70. Names of your bestfriends? Calum, Luke, Brad, Jaren, Hannah71. Craving something? What? Death72. What colour are your towels? Blue, blue and white, and black72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Two75. Favourite animal? Idk, birds I think76. What colour is your underwear? Black with pink lace and floral77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookie Dough or chocolate79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Dark grey80. What colour pants? Blue with froot loops81. Favourite tv show? Brooklyn nine-nine82. Favourite movie? Kingsman83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I guess the first one idk, never seen it84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump street85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Idk86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Nemo87. First person you talked to today? Louise88. Last person you talked to today? The last person was matisse89. Name a person you hate? The prick90. Name a person you love? My friends91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? YEA, FUCKIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN!92. In a fight with someone? I guess.93. How many sweatpants do you have? Uh a few pairs94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Many95. Last movie you watched? Can’t remember actually, may have been war of the worlds96. Favourite actress? Don’t have one97. Favourite actor? Dylan O’Brien98. Do you tan a lot? Nope, not at all99. Have any pets? Yea, two dogs and a cat100. How are you feeling? Awful.101. Do you type fast? Yea102. Do you regret anything from your past? I regret it all.103. Can you spell well? Yea I guess104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Without a doubt105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes. And I’m so sorry.107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes108. What should you be doing? Moving on109. Is something irritating you right now? Yes110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yes111. Do you have trust issues? Didn’t I get asked this?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Hannah113. What was your childhood nickname? Eby114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? Fuck thats ancient isnt it116. Are you listening to music right now? No117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Eh118. Do you like Chinese food? LOVE it119. Favourite book? The Maze Runner120. Are you afraid of the dark? A little121. Are you mean? Apparently.122. Is cheating ever okay? No123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Yes124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes125. Do you believe in true love? Yes126. Are you currently bored? Not really127. What makes you happy? Being appreciated and happy in my friendships and gaming128. Would you change your name? No129. What your zodiac sign? Libra130. Do you like subway? Ehhhhhhh131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Continuously gently put them down until they stop liking you romantically so you can just be friends. Oh wait. Apparently you have to leave as soon as you dont wanna get your dick wet ey? Fuck the friendship amiright132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ok, theyre the same questions. Its gettin lazy133. Favourite lyrics right now? The second verse from I hate you I love you134. Can you count to one million? No135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I may be colourblind (I did it for attention many years ago...)136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Open137. How tall are you? 164 cm138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight139. Brunette or Blonde? Blond140. Summer or Winter? Winter141. Night or Day? Night142. Favourite month? September143. Are you a vegetarian? No144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk145. Tea or Coffee? Neither146. Was today a good day? Yeah. But the night is filled with pain.147. Mars or Snickers? Neither148. What’s your favourite quote? “The mask you wear serves its purpose well, but be careful not to lose yourself in it”149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Alone and baffled.” -Maladapted

Thank you for the anon ^_^

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic

Hello everyone. I would like to thank my loyal followers for questioning my whereabouts on Twitter. I was actually on vacation, because Im not poor. Sorry, but watching these morons was just not a fucking option. I was zen AF and I dont need Carolinas crocodile tears ruining it, k thx.

ANYWAYS, so onto the episode. It was kind of eh, Im going to be honest. If youre looking for another reason to be annoyed by Giannas existence though, then it def delivered.

AFTER THE MATCH CEREMONY

They are all pumped about getting four beams. In fact, if you took a shot for every time someone said four fucking beams youd need to get stomach pumped four fucking times.

Tyranny is like Ossssssssssssssssvaldo is my match. Honestly can we just cut the accent though? Hes from Chicago for gods sake, not Italy.

Oswaldo is not so sure. Hes like she could be my match! Or she isnt! Yeah, thats pretty much how life works, actually.

Also, can we acknowledge the giant-ass drink Tee has the whole time? That cup is actually my favorite cast member this season.

Carolina and Hayden start having a pillow fight because FOUR FUCKING BEAMS, AMIRIGHT?

Now Carolina is very suddenly into Hayden. Carolinas emotions give me whiplash. Betsy DeVos nomination was more certain than this bitch.

Gianna is like “OH NO. NOT TODAY. I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.” Shes like I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE THIS MAN WHO TREATS ME SO WELL. Even though they are a confirmed no match. Makes total sense.

So you unfriend-zoned him to cock block him? Seems v fair. So when you go to sleep, do you leave Haydens balls under your pillow or on your nightstand? Let me know.

*Starts Twitter Poll* Is Gianna hot? Yes or No?

Tyler apologizes to Taylor and is like “I have no excuse for being the ‘big bad wolf’ in this.” So youre eating peoples grandmas now? Very Hannibal Lecter-chic. Not sure Tyler understands that hes referencing a fairytale, but hes pretty so well overlook it.

Hes like these girls are all over me wah, life is hard.

TAYLOR: Im mad *looks at Tylers beautiful face* but Im not like, thatttt mad

Hes like Im not that guy, you know that! Shes like,

TYLER: I want to dump Shannon and date you

EVERYONE AT HOME:

Gianna goes to have a talk with Hayden, which she announces for everyone to know. Shes from the Midwest, okay? Shes not used to this whole having brains thing, cut her some slack!

GIANNA: HEY CAMERA GUY IM GOING TO HAVE A TALK WITH HAYDEN ALSO GIANNA: were very low-key shhhh

Little Mike is like this is bullshit, they are not a match, they need to stop and its like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

GIANNA: I dont want to stop you from doing something but stop fucking doing it. (Im not even making that up, thats an exact quote) HAYDEN: But I need to play the game GIANNA: Did I fucking stutter

So Hayden has relocated from friendzone island to being a little bitch island. Need a house warming gift, Hayden? Ill get you crowbar so you can pull your head out of your ass. Youre welcome.

Gianna and Hayden have sex, giving life to the newest Trump supporter Im sure. Carolina sees all of this and is like wtffffff. Shes like, totally in love with Hayden! Like, they spoke for a whole 10 minutes. Didnt that mean anything to him?

Andre is like “IF THEY FUCK THIS UP IM GOING TO BE PISSED” and Im like do it. Get mad. You wont. No balls.

Honestly, Gianna could probs take Andre in a fight. That girl should be a fuckin prison warden.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge this week is for the dudes. The guys have to spin themselves and then go through an obstacle course. Then they have to shoot a basketball into the hoop of the girl they want to date. The person who shoots the third basketball in the hoop wins the date.

challenges sound like the hazing the gay frats do. Its all v weak.

The guys start the game and are falling all over the place. *plays Ed Sheeran*

Hayden is like, fuck it. Fuck this game. Idfc anymore, Im here for Gianna.

HAYDEN:I love Gianna

ME:

He decides to help Oswaldo win a date with Tee. See heres the thingI like Hayden, but I also think hes being very dumb. Its a hard spot for me rn. Really struggling.

Tee being proud of Oswaldo for winning is like Trump being proud of winning president. We all know he couldnt have won without Hayden/Russia.

Derrick and Joey are trying to win Rush Boobss date. Derrick wants to win because fuck Joey. Theyre shooting for legit five minutes. Seriously, Ive seen better shots from . When is the last time you played basketball? Third grade? Derricks like I played division I basketball! which sounds like an alternative fact to me.

Joey wins. So its Osvaldo/Tee and Joey/Rush Boobs.

Ryan tells them they are going to trapeze and Tee is like Im black, I shouldnt be in the air. How did you get to the Dominican Republic? Drive? Horseback? I didnt know your skin color made you less aerodynamic. I just saw and honestly, Im a fucking scientist now.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Lets all agree that Tee is low-key alcoholic. Shes constantly sipping from that big-ass cup and it seems like they have a good connection. Could that be her match?

Eddie is talking to Alicia about how he is poor and shes like “LOL not me, cant relate to you peasant.” Eddie, you need to get your ass over to Kam where you fucking belong. Know your fucking place. Do not fuck this up for me, Eddie.

Tyler is trying to break up with Shannon and it is a train fucking wreck. Hes like I need to do the right thing and leave you. He actually stole the whole speech from Gabriella in .

REAL PICTURE OF TYLER:

Shannon is like “I feel dumb.” And she should, because she just got played. I feel bad for Shannon. Her voice makes me want to take a waltz off a bridge, but I do feel things, kind of.

Tylers like I didnt realize girls have feelings and get mad when you treat them poorly. Thats like saying I didnt know when you light shit on fire, it gets hot.

Meanwhile, Tee is very much trying to date rape Osvaldo. Its creepy tbh. If a guy was doing that to a girl on this show I would be dialing 911 by now. Tee, knock it off, it’s super gross.

They go to the boom boom room and literally boom boom because they break something. Oswaldo, way to not hold your ground.

Kam is oiling Eddie up and being goofy. I needed this.

Shes like I know Alicia and Eddy have a good friendship, Im not getting territorial, because this is a game show. I LOVE YOU KAM, I AM STARTING YOUR FAN CLUB. Shes so rational. Everyone be like her please.

THE DATE

Oswaldo is like this date will take our relationship to the next level, even though it already has gone to the next level. *wink, wink* I remember when I lost my virginity. We get it, you had sex.

They go to the trapeze place and Oswaldo is like Hopefully I dont break my neck. Thats a pretty reasonable goal.

They all are like surprisingly good at this. Even Tee, whose blackness surprisingly does not hinder her capabilities. Its a miracle.

Oswaldo and Tee are like being lovey-dovey because they fucked that one time. Hes like shes not trying to rape me and I like this side of her. I too am a big fan of the people who dont try and sexually assault me. Weird.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Ryan comes in hot and asks about the no matches, aka Gianna and Hayden, still hooking up.

Giannas like HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT??? Uh, youre a confirmed no match and youre hooking up. I feel like Im taking crazy pills. Leave the dumb shit to Rush Boobs, please god.

The house is like, “ugh we hate you, lets just get this shit over with.” Thats how I felt with pledges in my sorority.

Tyranny and Oswaldo go to the truth booth because duh.

OSWALDO: Im excited to learn if were a match and really connect on a deeper level. TEE: Im tryna fuck.

Im stressed because Tee will def die of alcohol poisoning tonight if this doesnt work out. And what do you know, NO MATCH.

Tee was like I was falling in love with him. Shes crying. Hes crying. This is depressing. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on ?

Oswaldo starts boxing while Andre is talking him down and all the guys hug him. Wow, I love the bromance. What I love more is that eventually one of them will try and fight another. #Drama

After everything, Tyler and Shannon are still hanging out. Whats Tylers favorite thing about Shannon? She isnt Taylor. Hes got high standards, ya know? #FourFuckingBeams

Taylor is like youre fucked up. And hes like why, because Im having a conversation?

Ugh Taylor, this paaaaains me to say, because I usually automatically side with the hot girl, but hes low-key right. You need to chill out and move on. Hes not worth it, dude. Hes just not.

Andre asks Taylor wtf shes doing with Tyler and Im like YAS KEEP THIS UP.

Andre is like actually, we like each other, Taylor. And shes like wait, yeah we do. WTF is this Jedi mind control shit Andre has.

ANDRE: *swinging coin back and forth* you are getting very sleepy.. and youre going to fuck me TAYLOR: *eyes glazed* yes, master

He says that she should be a Victorias Secret Model and honestly she should marry him just for that. Like thats compliment of the goddam century.

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

Its the boys pick tonight. Please note that last time they blacked out harder than Tee does on any given weeknight.

Little Mike gets the ball rollin the wrong way and picks Kam.

Mikes like following our heart doesnt work. Hes like we should venture off, and though thats noble, maaaaaaybe not at the match ceremony. Thats like Michael Phelps being like LOOK FREESTYLE JUST DOESNT WORK right before the 4×100 relay.

Ozzy picks Hannah.

Oswaldo is up next and hes like “I GOTTA DO ME.” He picks Taylor.

Ryan asks Taylor how she feels about Tyler and shes like whos Tyler? Andre and her give each other looks and Im like OKAY YES IM HERE FOR THIS SHIT.

Ryans like Andre, do you wish you were with her and hes like Im practicing my patience. Whatever the fuck that means.

Oswaldo is like standing next to her like, lol just fuck me, right?

Andre picks Casandra.

Eddy picks Alicia and is like this is my homie.

KAM: I AM NOT WORRIED. ARE YOU WORRIED, BECAUSE I AM NOT WORRIED!!! *twitches*

Joey picks Rush boobs.

Derrick picks Gianna. Weird.

Tylers up and fucking moseys up to the front. Goddam hes like a walking Shakespeare playtragically beautiful.

Hes like Ryan, let me speak and Ryans like I didnt even say anything, but ok.

Tyler goes off about how he was painted as the villain and how he is innocent and how all this Taylor shit is fake news and the failing lamestream media is spreading false rumors!!! Sad!

Ryan asks Tyler who he likes more, Shannon or Taylor and Tyler picks Shannon.

RYAN: Do you think Tyler is your match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is Taylor his match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is the world round? SHANNON: IDK

Tylers talking about his breakup with Taylor and is like it sucks because you cant delete people in the real world. This is the first thing that I agree with him on. Dont worry Tyler, Ive watched . Well get to that point someday.

Michael picks KARI. Is it Carrie or KAAAAAARI? I have been saying KAAAAARI. Please DM some confirmation.

Hayden is next. Hayden tells the group that him and Gianna are affecting the game and they are going to stop screwing everyone over.

Gianna is like “WTF. WHO TOLD HIM HE COULD SPEAK? WHO LET HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE?” He picks Carolina. Hehe.

Jaylen and Tee are last. Tee is really bummed about Oswaldo and Ryan is like, “bitch its week four.”

These couples are random AF but idk Im drunk and just here to shit talk. Dont give that much of a fuck.

No blackout, so thats good. They get four beams again. Cant wait to hear them talk about it incessantly.

Read more: http://betches.co/2kojpty

from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic