#i'm concerned it's going to end up being like... 20k

[endwersed]

me: damn this last chapter is long. i'll need to make sure to cut the fat during editing

also me: *adds another 1.5k to literally just the first scene in the second draft*

[airenyah]

A LOOK AT STYLE'S JOURNEY | Ep 11

(Overview | Ep1+2 | Ep3 | Ep4 | Ep5 | Ep6 | Ep7 | Ep8 | Ep9 | Ep10 | Ep12)

Ahhh, once again I didn't manage to publish this before the new (and final, this time 😭) episode. I was busy studying with my Thai language study buddy (that is I was asking him a million questions about the vocabulary in this episode) (at this point he's actually kinda invested in the show from what I've told him about it and from the scenes I've shown him lmao) and I was also busy hanging out with my other Thai friend who basically only speaks Thai. Oh and then I also got my period and I was so sleepy, I could barely form a coherent thought. Whoops. But hey, better late then never. I'd also love to drop the ep12 meta next Wednesday since there will be no new episode, but there is no way I'll make it. Once I post this post here I'd only have about two days to write the ep12 meta and that's simply just not enough time considering how long these metas have gotten. Oh well. Enough with the rambling.

ENJOY <3

(This one's at 19.7k words, btw. Counting only the meta part without the introduction. Including the introduction it's at just over 20k. Didn't I say I'd hit 20k by the finale? lmao)

Pronoun situation: As usual, just assume Fadel and Style use the rude pronouns guu/mueng with each other unless I specify otherwise.

To recap: Last episode, the hitman brothers found out some truths about Lilly. Their normie-boyfriends finally got to help them on their mission. Another truth bomb was dropped onto Fadel, shattering him. And Style was there right next to him, picking up the pieces.

No. 1: More Meetings and More Plans

Our foursome gathers to exchange Keen's boyfriend for dirt on Lilly. Since this is mostly between the brothers, both Style and Kant take a step back during the exchange. Style watches attentively, his expression serious. That is, until Keen finally has his boyfriend back and Style watches them hug.

He is very clearly touched and I absolutely adore that we get to see this little private moment of Style being happy for them. Because he did tell us (or rather told Fadel) in episode 8:

I'm a romantic person. กูมันเป็นคนโรแมนติก [guu - man - bpen - kon roh-maen-dtìk] I - [marker] - be - romantic person Official subs: I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm easily tricked by touching things. โดนหลอกด้วยอะไรซึ้งๆง่าย [dohn lòhk - dûuay - à-rai - séung séung - ngâai] be tricked, deceived - by, through - something - touching - easy Official subs: Can't help it that love stories touch me.

Style just loves love. And I just love how consistent his characterization has stayed about this. Style even comments on the fact that he was touched: "I almost shed tears seeing how much they love each other." Fadel replies "I'd have done the same thing for you" and Style looks at him fondly.

Then, Kant brings the conversation back to the Lilly thing and with that Style goes back to serious mode. Kant doesn't want Bison to kill Lilly and suggests he'll talk to Captain Christ in case there's a way. Style pulls Fadel towards him and assures him determinedly that "We'll do anything to keep you out of jail". Style's face is full of concern as he says this. Style is so earnest in his promise, he really means it from the bottom of his heart. He already hated the idea of Fadel going to jail all throughout episode 6, and now it's becoming a potential reality again. A reality that Style desperately doesn't want to face. And if we're being real, Fadel going to jail is something that Style has dreaded since episode 5 already:

Kant sighs and says he wants to end things quickly and then foretells what their happy ending is going to be: "Once those two get arrested, we walk free." But Style stares gloomily into the air and gives a near invisible head shake, almost as if he disagrees with Kant's words, as if to say But that's not what MY happy ending looks like.

(Quoted from my ep5 meta.)

Fadel steps closer to hug Style in response to his promise. Kant sends Style an almost questioning nod over Bison's shoulder, as if to ask whether Style is going to help him with Captain Christ. Style nods firmly in return. Of course he is.

Now allow me to skip the scene in which Style and Kant make their deal with Captain Christ. I didn't find it all that interesting to look at and also, I need that section cover pic gone in favor or more gifs lmao. Both Style and Kant are very self-assured when they talk to Captain Christ. They are confident that their plan is going to work, that's the main take-away.

No. 2: Future Old Man Yaoi

Style excitedly introduces Fadel to his friend and announces that his friend can do fake passports and stuff. Fadel nods a polite nod and smiles a polite smile, but looks otherwise very unconvinced. Style makes a confused face about it while Fadel pulls him aside. You can literally see the silent of question of What's wrong, why are you looking like that? in Style's eyes.

Fadel asks what Style is doing. "Making you a fake passport, duh. In case you need to run." This seemed pretty self-explanatory to Style, but apparently it wasn't. Fadel asks "Didn't you say Kant made a deal with that captain?" and Style says he doesn't trust Captain Christ. And this is interesting, because in episode 8 Fadel actually chided Style for trusting people too easily. But not Captain Christ. Style doesn't trust Captain Christ a single bit. Only a moment ago he confidently told Captain Christ "Promise is a promise", but in reality Style isn't confident at all that Captain Christ will actually keep his promise. Or rather, Style is confident that Captain Christ will, in fact, break it. "Cops are always looking for ways to up their ranks, right?" Style really said ACAB, huh?

Fadel still doesn't see the point of the fake passport. "Where do you think I'll go with a fake passport?" Style comes back with an entire multi-step plan. And that's yet another interesting thing about this scene: it's as if their personalities suddenly switched. The person who plans every single detail of their life suddenly doesn't have a plan, while the person who mostly runs on impulse and instinct and who tends to just go with the flow has it all planned out. Because it's that important to Style. Fadel's well-being and Fadel's freedom is that important to Style. And because that way, he'll still get to be with Fadel, will get to be right next to him. Fadel won't be taken away from him and locked away in a place Style can't easily reach. And that matters to Style so much that he now sits down and starts making plans. Back in episode 2 Style said "When you know you meet the right one, you do whatever it takes to get them" and now here Style is, doing whatever it takes to keep his right one right by his side.

But Fadel still finds something to bitch about: "It takes 20 years for these cases to expire. We'll be old men by that time." But Style doesn't see the problem. "So what if we're old? I'll still wanna be with you." And again, Style is so earnest when he says he wants to be with Fadel. Of course Style wants to be with Fadel even when and until they are old men. Of course the future Style pictures for himself still has Fadel in it. It's the most self-evident thing in the world, absolutely zero discussion needed.

Fadel stares at Style. It finally really hits Fadel what and why Style is doing all this for. He takes Style's hand and says: "Thank you for doing all this for me. I don't think I love myself half as much as you love me." This meta series is about Style, but let me just share the Thai wording here, because it has me a little insane:

I guess I don't yet love myself as much as you love me. กูยังไม่รักตัวเองเท่าที่มึงรักกูเลยมั้ง [guu - yang - mâi - rák - dtuua eng - tâo tîi - mueng - rák - guu - loiie - máng] I - yet - not - love - myself - as much as - you - love - me - [particle] - maybe

Fadel says he doesn't love himself yet. Not yet!! Right now he doesn't yet love himself, but he will in the future!! Fadel is trying, you guys!! Style's love makes him want to love himself and Style is showing him exactly how to do it. Because loving Fadel really is the easiest thing in the world for Style, no matter how difficult to love Fadel thinks he is.

Style lifts his other hand to grab Fadel's hand holding his. "Trust me on this. Just get this done. We don't know what could happen." Style is so very concerned about Fadel and the situation and he's just trying to be prepared for anything that they might be up against. Because there is no way Style will give up Fadel and their relationship without a fight. Because he couldn't bare to lose Fadel. Style already hated that thought all the way back in episode 5, and now, after everything they've been through, he hates that thought even more. The thought of not being with Fadel really stresses him out. And so Style starts making plans. Style adds that he'll get Bison a fake passport, too. Fadel nods and swallows and then asks if Style's friend is trustworthy. Style is absolutely sure of it and Fadel huffs, and then, after another moment, finally agrees to do the fake passport. For Style.

No. 3: Birthday Surprises

Last episode Lilly hired Kant for that rich lady's birthday party and Style got himself hired too. And I just love the difference between Kant and Style: Kant is clearly uncomfortable with the ladies throwing themselves at him, meanwhile Style is thriving. After all, making friends with as well as charming older women is Style's specialty. Whether it's the lady at the market, the lady at the motel or these ladies right here at this party, Style's got them all wrapped around his finger. He really is absolutely perfect for this job.

At some point Kant sends Style to get Lilly more wine and we watch as Style spikes the drink. With that, our poisoning quartet is complete — we have now seen all four main character's spike someone's drink. Lilly takes a sip of it and shortly afterwards Kant reveals her secret. She runs off to the bathroom. Style and Kant happily raise their glasses towards each other in a silent toast. Success.

That happiness doesn't last for very long, though, because minutes later they both run into the bathroom to stop their boyfriends from committing yet another murder. "You promised me. You promised you won't kill anyone again." Fun fact, Style phrases it a little more like a question in Thai:

You promised me, didn't you? That you won't kill anyone again. มึงสัญญากับกูแล้วไม่ใช่หรอ ว่าจะไม่ฆ่าใครอีกอ่ะ [mueng - săn-yaa - gàp - guu - láew - mâi châi - rŏr • wâa - jà - mâi - kâa - krai - ìik - àh] you - promise - with - me - already - no - ? • that - will - not - kill - anyone - again - [particle]

It's on Fadel now how he's gonna answer that question. Kant says his own bit to get Bison to lower his gun and then it's Style's turn. "Fadel. I want a future with you." And again, let me just...

I still want a future with you. กูยังอยากมีอนาคตกับมึงนะเว้ย [guu - yang - yàak - mii - à-naa-kót - gàp - mueng - ná wóiie] I - still - want - have - future - with - you - [particle]

Style still wants a future with Fadel. But he can't have that future if Fadel makes certain choices. Style won't get that future. If Fadel makes the choice of shooting Lilly now, then he might be denying Style the future that Style so desperately wants. A future with Fadel. A future that Style still wants to have, a future that Style hasn't given up on yet. "Just forget the past," Style asks of Fadel. After a long moment of hesitation and contemplation, Fadel finally puts the gun down, tears still streaming down his face. Kant tells them "You two should go. We'll deal with things here." Style looks at Fadel and in a gentle, but serious voice says: "Don’t worry. We'll see each other again." Fadel sniffs and hands Style his gun. That's an 8 on the Style + gun counter. I really do think the writers are just mocking me now. Style didn't shoot anyone this episode and I just really can't see him shoot anyone in the finale either. Especially now that Keen is dealt with and Lilly is also out of the way. And the episode preview also didn't have the vibe for a shooting. All those references to Style and shooting guns were really just there to drive me personally up the wall, huh? Well, at least it's been keeping me entertained over the past few weeks.

Also, while I'm already off on a tangent, I also just wanna share @nabi-unveiled's thoughts real quick, because they are absolutely beautiful and I cry:

So Kant took Bison's gun, but Fadel gave Style his. While Bison says he wants out of the hitman life, he's so explosive that the only way out is for someone to force him and help take his gun. For Fadel, no one could take it from him unless he chose to give it up. He's willingly giving it up for Style. Style isn't forcing his hand. It's Fadel choosing to place his life in Style's hands.

Fadel places his life in Style's hands leaves Style with the gun, telling him to be careful. What really bothers me about this translation, though, is that together with the action of Fadel handing over the gun this phrasing makes it sound like Fadel is speaking a warning along the lines of be careful with the gun, it's dangerous, don't hurt yourself with it, when really he's saying goodbye:

Take care of yourself. ดูแลตัวเองนะ [duu-lae - dtuua eng - ná] take care - yourself - [na]

Fadel uses the word ดูแล [duu-lae] here, which means "to take care" or "to look after". If he had meant to say "be careful" in the sense of "watch out for danger" then he would have been using the word ระวัง [rá-wang] instead, which means "to be careful" or "to watch out" or "to be cautious".

The brothers walk out of the bathroom. Style and Kant stay back to deal with Lilly.

No. 4: Surrender

Once Style and Kant have dealt with Lilly, they meet their boyfriends at Kant's car to send them off. Style hands Fadel the fake passports and once again emphasizes that the brothers shouldn't contact them and should wait for Style and Kant to follow them instead. Kant also exchanges a few words with Bison who worries about Kant and Style's safety. Kant says "We should focus on making sure you two are safe" and Fadel turns to Style and urgently tells him: "Style. Listen to me. If they torture you for information, don't put up with it. Just confess." He ends with: "Don't you dare get hurt, you hear me?" Now let me talk about the Thai line for a second:

Absolutely do not let yourself get hurt, okay? อย่ายอมเจ็บตัวเด็ดขาดโอเคป่ะ [yàa - yohm - jèp dtuua - dèt kàat - okay - bpà] don't - agree, let - hurt yourself, get hurt - absolutely - okay - ?

Fadel uses the word ยอม [yohm] here which the dictionary thai2english defines as:

[to] agree; consent; let (usually against one's wishes)

And to me that sounds like Fadel is telling him don't consent to them hurting you, don't consent to torture. The official subs are a little vague here, the "don't get hurt" can be taken as a general warning as well. Of course from the context you can infer that this is about the police torturing Style, but in the original wording Fadel is very explicit about the fact that the "don't get hurt" part refers to the police (or anyone else who wants to hurt Style to get to Fadel) and he specifically instructs Style not to willingly take on the pain and consent to receiving injuries just to keep Fadel safe.

But that goes against everything who Style is as a person. There is absolutely no way he is gonna betray his loved ones even if it kills him. It's ride or die for him. But Fadel hates the thought of Style dying. "Style, I'm being serious. They really could kill you." But Style is also serious about not betraying Fadel. "You don't have to worry. I have a knack for surviving." Fadel lets it go, semi-reassured. By now he knows better than to argue with Style. Style will out-stubborn him, if Style is set on something.

Fadel goes on to say a few words of thanks to Kant, too. Afterwards, Fadel looks to Style again who throws him a very warm, reassuring look. It'll be fine, everything will be fine. As usual, Style remains hopeful and optimistic.

Kant says the brothers should get going and our couples go in for a goodbye hug which barely even lasts a second before Captain Christ shows up to crash the party.

And like last episode, chatty cat Style stays completely silent. Kant does all the talking this time. I think Style isn't as terrified this time around as he was last episode in the hotel room, and this time around he's not terrified especially for his life, but he's definitely very concerned and even more worried about the hitman brothers' freedom. I think Style also keeps quiet, because Kant has much more of a relationship with Captain Christ than Style does and he trusts Kant to be able to solve this mess. Kant is trying his best to negotiate with Captain Christ, even downright blackmails him. But Captain Christ insists that he can't let the brothers walk free. When he offers to reduce the brother's sentence down to five years, the brothers surrender. Bison explains that he's tired of running and that five years in prison is preferable to spending your whole life running away, because "If it has to be like that, I'll never get to really live." And now Style just has to speak up after all, because he really doesn't trust those cops: "Hey. You don't know if these cops will keep their word. What'd you do if the final sentence is death?"

To make this line hit harder, as @secriden pointed out in this post: The death penalty is still a thing in Thailand. I also went ahead and looked up some info on it:

Under the Penal Code alone, the death sentence can be applied to 35 crimes, ranging from offences against the King, treason, murder, rape in which the victim is killed and arson, to robbery which results in death. [...] According to the Thai Penal Code, prisoners who receive the death sentence can appeal for a royal pardon. The appeal must be made within 60 days of the verdict. Each prisoner can appeal only once. If the pardon is granted, execution will be commuted to life imprisonment. It is never known in advance when a death warrant is to be issued, and executions are performed only once in a while. Usually a death warrant arrives in the morning and the execution takes place in the evening of the same day. Before the day of execution, the police will take fingerprints from the prisoner to compare them to those in the prisoner's file to ensure that the wrong person is not executed. (source)

Murder is amongst the crimes one can be sentenced to death for, a crime that the brothers have carried out repeatedly. According to Wikipedia, executions are something that are carried out only sporadically these days, but it is still a very real possibility that Fadel and Bison could be facing. And it's an outcome Style would rather not see happening. Kant agrees and asks Captain Christ "How can I trust you?" to which Captain Christ claims "I never go back on my word." Uh-huh. Sure. Nevertheless, Kant lets the decision up to the brothers. Style doesn't say anything either. There's not much to be done in this situation right now. Kant manages to bargain another 24 hours of freedom. The cops leave and this time the clock of their last day together starts ticking for real. And unlike in episode 6, this time everyone involved is aware of it, too.

No. 5: Comfort

Fadel and Style have ended up sitting outside Style's garage. Style, our usual optimistic ball of sunshine is staring gloomily into the air. This is the exact outcome that he's been dreading the most (save for maybe Fadel's actual death). Style is still holding it together fairly well, but he's struggling to stay positive about this. Fadel tries to cheer him up. "You did your best." But Style's best wasn't enough. He'll still be separated from Fadel. All his efforts were for nothing. Fadel will be taken away from him once their 24 hours are up and there's absolutely nothing Style can do about it to change that now. "If I found out earlier, you wouldn't have to go to jail." Style's voice sounds miserable and it's yet another sign of how upset he really is inside. Fadel can tell that for once Style can't see the bright side of things and tries to reassure him with even more urgency that this outcome isn't as bad as it seems. In fact, this is one of the two endings he'd been prepared for: jail or death. And going to jail on account of murder for only five years is as good of an ending as it gets. But Style, beacon of hope and optimism, still can't see the bright side, because even if Fadel will be okay (and most importantly: alive), it doesn't change the fact that Fadel will be ripped away from him and that he won't get to stay right by Fadel's side. "I don't want you gone for even a day." Actually, in Thai these words are the subtext, not the main text. In Thai Style makes it more about Fadel:

I don't want you to go (to jail) even for a day. กูไม่อยากมึงเข้าเลยสักวัน [guu - mâi - yàak - mueng - kâo - loiie - sàk wan] I - not - want - you - enter, get in(to) - [particle] - just one day

When they talk about going to jail, they say เข้าคุก [kâo kúk] which literally translates to "entering jail". In the above sentence, Style doesn't explicitly repeat the word "jail" but he does use the verb เข้า [kâo] (= to enter) and so it's clear he's referring to him not wanting Fadel to go to jail even for a single day. So Style not wanting to be without Fadel for even a day is actually the unspoken thing here. Explicitly he states that he doesn't want Fadel to be in jail for even a day and while Style definitely doesn't want Fadel to be far (ish) away from him, I think Fadel's happiness is certainly also an aspect of why Style doesn't want Fadel imprisoned. Style wants Fadel to have freedom and be happy. Style wants Fadel to finally live a life free of killing people. Style wants Fadel to finally live the life Fadel wants to live, not the life other people think Fadel should live (or that Fadel thinks other people think he should live). In episode 6 Style told Fadel "Try just being someone you want to be. We'll do it together. There's nothing to be afraid of" but with Fadel going to prison there is no "try being who you want to be". There is no "we'll do it together". Style looks at Fadel with the biggest sad puppy eyes.

Fadel looks away for a moment. Right now he can point out the bright side of things to Style, but there is nothing Fadel can change about the fact that he'll be taken to jail. This is the one thing he can't do make Style happy again. Fadel looks back at Style and tries to reassure him again anyway: "I have to take responsibility for what I did. I can't change the past. This could be a chance for me to start over. I want to be a good man who deserves everything you do for me." And here's a more literal translation for those who are curious:

I want to be a good person who is worth the fighting you do for me. กูอยากเป็นคนดีให้คุ้มกับที่มึงสู้เพื่อกู [guu - yàak - bpen - kon dii - hâi - kúm gàp - tîi - mueng - sûu - pêuua - guu] I - want - be - good person - that - be worth(while) - that - you - fight - for - me

(Alt. translation: [...] who is worth the effort you put in for me.)

I just adore that Fadel explicitly brings up Style fighting for him specifically, not just a general "what you do for me". Because Style has been fighting hard all episode. In fact, Style has been fighting for Fadel for a long time now. Not just for Fadel's freedom, but Style has also been fighting for their relationship (even when Fadel was the one blocking him) and also for Fadel's mental health (pulling Fadel out of bad thoughts whenever he was stuck in a downward spiral). And Fadel acknowledges this fight and he wants to live up to it.

Lastly, Fadel says: "We have one day together. I want to make the most out of it." Style doesn't say anything and I think he's actually waiting for Fadel to continue talking, to elaborate on what exactly it is that he wants to do. But Fadel only smiles at Style tenderly. And I just love the role reversal here, because so many times it's been Style who has given Fadel encouraging smiles, but this time around Style is miserable, Style is struggling to stay positive, Style can't even bring himself to smile and it's Fadel who returns the exact kind of smile he's received from Style over and over again over the course of the series. For once, Style gets to be on the receiving end of it.

Since Fadel doesn't elaborate, Style tells him: "What you want to do, where to go, what to eat, just let me know. I'll take you anywhere." His voice still sounds like he's about to cry any moment now. Fadel smiles again. What a very Style thing of Style to immediately offer to pamper Fadel. But Fadel doesn't need anything big for their last 24 hours together. "I just want to do something simple," he says, "Go where we feel comfortable, with just you and me." Or more accurately:

It's enough if we go to our spots of just you and me. ไปในที่ของเราให้มีมึงกับกูก็พอ [bpai - nai - tîi - kŏng rao - hâi - mii - mueng - gàp - guu - gôh paw] go - in - place, spot - of us, our - that - have - you - and - me - it's enough

Fadel doesn't just wanna go to random places where they can feel comfortable and at ease, Fadel wants to go specifically to their places, to their spots that hold significance in their relationship. And we'll see that later in the episode when Style mentions that they were gonna go get breakfast at the market aka one of their spots (before Style's dad talks them into having breakfast at home instead) and when they go to the Rise Up meeting location, another place that's very specific to Fadel and Style and the development of their relationship.

And again Style lets the choice of how and where exactly Fadel wants to spend his last 24 hours of freedom entirely up to him. Style will gladly do anything and go anywhere Fadel wants to do and go as long as Fadel is happy during these last 24 hours they have together. And yes, in reality it's also Style's last day with Fadel and so Style should also get a say in what they do, but his own wants are really not that important to him right now. All that matters to him right now is that Fadel is happy. Because if Fadel is happy, then Style is happy, too. Because "it makes me happy just seeing your smile". That's what Style told Fadel the first time he thought he was having a "last day" with Fadel back in episode 6 and it's even more true now.

Style's voice is still serious and down when says the choice is Fadel's, but now he doesn't sound like he's on the verge of crying anymore. Fadel lights up and asks "Can we start by hugging you for 10 minutes straight?" For the first time in this entire scene, Style smiles. It's a very small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes the way it usually does, but a smile it is.

Absolutely they can hug for ten minutes straight. Style nods and Fadel immediately buries his face in Style's neck. The smile on Style's face from just now immediately falls again. Fadel kisses his neck and Style looks so very sad.

He'll accept Fadel's choice to go to prison if that's what Fadel wants, but Style is really struggling with it. He can't bear to be separated from Fadel. On the outside Style might be holding it together, but I think on the inside he's already starting to fall apart. "Take your time," Style tells Fadel. Fadel isn't the only one who really needs this ten minute hug right now. And part of me wonders if maybe Fadel didn't necessarily suggest the ten minute hug for himself, but rather for Style, because he can tell how miserable Style is.

What I love the most about this scene is that we finally get to see Fadel comforting Style for once. Because so many times we've watched Style be there for Fadel, watched him comfort Fadel, watched him pull Fadel out of his dark mental place, watched him fight Fadel's negative view of himself. And even when Style was really upset about something, he never really got any comfort from Fadel. For example, in episode 4 Style spent a lot of time being extremely angry and hurt from Fadel ditching him after sleeping with him. And he also openly voices his anger and his hurt to Fadel (in the diner as well as at the Rise Up meeting). But in the end, in the greenhouse it's Style who's comforting Fadel and is there for him, when really Fadel should be the one making it up to Style and to try and patch things up with him. Or in episode 8, when Style is crying in the motel from all the trauma that Fadel had put him through that day: Fadel wants to comfort Style but in the end he doesn't and Style is still left to cry himself to sleep alone and he never knows about Fadel almost breaking after all. Style spends that night uncomforted (and remember, Style went through a lot: his best friend could potentially be dead, he had a near-death experience himself, he is worried sick about his dad and what losing the only family he has left might do to him, and on top of that Style's relationship is also on the line) and the next day just Fadel keeps being grumpy at him while Style swallows it all and puts on his cheerful face. And Fadel never even apologizes for any of it, while Style works really hard to make everything he ever did wrong up to Fadel.

So it's absolutely wonderful to see how Fadel is now finally in a place where he can comfort Style back and be there for him, too, when Style is feeling down. Usually Style is the character who's always optimistic about everything, who always finds the bright side of things and always keeps smiling no matter how bleak everything seems. And the fact that for once Style is entirely unable to find the sunshine in the rain really highlights and shows us just how devastated Style is about Fadel's arrest and their impending separation. And while it may seem like Style is holding it together fairly well, in reality he is completely and utterly crushed, so much so that he actually fails to find and see the bright side in this situation. And so Fadel does it for him. For the first time it's Fadel who stays positive, it's Fadel who looks for the bright side and points it out to Style. And Fadel is trying so hard to make Style see that bright side that usually Style always immediately seeks out. It's absolutely beautiful to watch.

And while I do think Fadel very much does need the ten minute hug himself, I think it's also part of the comfort he's offering to Style in this scene. Because he can tell that Style is trying to keep it together and to stay strong for Fadel and I think Fadel knows Style would never outright ask for comfort, because he wouldn't wanna burden Fadel even more with the additional worry about Style's well-being when Fadel already has to carry the burden of going to jail. And so I think Fadel asks for that hug on behalf of Style so that Style can hold onto him under the guise of it being for Fadel and Fadel's needs and Style can continue to seem like he's staying strong (though Style does show his vulnerability when he tells Fadel "take your time". With that he's telling Fadel Please don't let go of me just yet, please just keep holding me, I really need this right now). At the same time the hug lets Fadel hold onto Style as well, something that Fadel really needs right now, too. They get to hold onto and hold each other. The comfort is mutual.

No. 6: Family Breakfast with a Side of Marriage

It's the next day and Style is in a significantly better mood again. He's back to the Style that always stays positive. The boys greet Style's dad who immediately teases Fadel. "You're here often now, aren't you? This ain't no hotel, you know?" Fun fact, in Thai he's very direct in the first sentence already:

You come to sleep at my house quite often. มานอนบ้านกูบ่อยเลยนะ [maa - nawn - bâan guu - bòi - loiie - ná] come - sleep - my house - often - [particle for emphasis] - [particle]

This is the third time in the series that we were shown that Fadel slept at Style's place and the dad subsequently learned about it. I don't think three times is all that much, especially since we have no idea how much time has passed since the first time Fadel ran into Style's dad back in episode 6, so I'm gonna take this to mean that Fadel has spent many more nights at Style's place that we never got to see and most importantly, he most definitely spent the night at Style's place after sobbing his heart out on Style's lap at the end of last episode.

Although Style immediately shoots down both his dad's teasing as well as my headcanon right the next sentence:

It's not that often, no? ไม่บ่อยขนาดนั้นป่ะ [mâi - bòi - kà-nàat nán - bpà] not - often - that much - ? Official subs: He's not here often enough, more like.

Maybe this really is only the third time, after all. Style then mentions that they're going to get breakfast at the market and I'm happy the market gets at least a last mention. It is one of their spots after all. But Style's dad talks them into having breakfast at home. Fadel is a bit hesitant at first, but Style's dad orders them to sit down, because "You're dating Style. You're as good as being my family." Style throws Fadel a very satisfied look. His dad considering Fadel as basically his family is most definitely something Style is very pleased to hear. And so am I, because I was really hoping Style's dad would adopt Fadel. The boys sit down and Style immediately starts bragging about Fadel's burger making skills.

Style has some friendly banter with his dad and then at some point his dad turns to Fadel and asks "Well, Fadel. What are your plans for the future? Are you going to flip burgers for the rest of your life?" Style's happy face immediately turns serious when he looks over at Fadel. It's a risky question, considering Fadel most definitely will not be flipping burgers for at least the next five years. But Fadel says "It's my favorite thing to do. I guess I'll keep doing it" and Style is back to cheerfully bantering with his dad when his dad suggests Fadel opens a franchise. All Style's dad has to say to his son's teasing, though, is: "Hey, you gotta plan these things out thoroughly if you want to keep seeing each other. And since gay marriage is legal now, you two should definitely do that." And now I understand why we had to wait for what felt like forever for the series to air after they finished shooting. Even though we really weren't waiting all that long anyway, let's be real. I'm assuming they made sure to strategically air this episode until after the day same-sex marriage bill officially took effect on in Thailand (for future reference: this episode aired 13 days later). And yeah. This is the fourth reference to marriage we've gotten around Fadel and Style (here's the first one, if you missed the untranslatable pun). If they don't actually get married next episode, I'm going to fly to Thailand and personally strangle P'Jojo and his writers a little bit with my own two hands.

Fadel quietly smiles to himself while Style is a little bit done™ (affectionate) with his dad: "Don't jump the gun, old man. We just started dating." Actually, what Style says to his dad in Thai in the first sentence is "Don't 'wer'!":

อย่าพูดเวอร์ดิ [yàa - pûut - wer - dì] don't - speak - wer (over) - [particle]

If you forgot what the slang term เวอร์ [wer] means or you if you didn't read my ep3 or ep10 meta, let me just quickly drop my explanation from last week's meta here:

One of my irl-friends explained it to me a few months ago and I don't remember her exact wording (it was an oral conversation while we were out and about, not a written one) but she told me it comes from the English word "over" and it is used in the context of indicating that someone is being too much in the sense of someone is overdoing something (someone is doing/saying something that is "over" the level that the situation calls for). This article translates this slang term as "exaggerate" or "overstate" or "overreact".

So yeah, Style is more or less telling his dad not to be so extra with his words, because Style only just started dating Fadel. But his dad doesn't care. "Whatever. If you're getting married, do it before I die." Fadel and Style look at each other. Style's smile disappears from his face again. Their hands find each other under the table out of sight from Style's dad. If only they actually could get married soon. But they can't. Not for another five long years. But the truth isn't exactly something they can just share at the family breakfast table. Sorry, we can't get married, because I'm/my boyfriend is going to prison for a few years, because I/he regularly murdered people. Imagine that. But Fadel finds a way to smoothly talk himself out of this sticky situation. "Give me five years," he says. Style swallows. He hates those five years. Fadel continues. "I just want to save up enough money and I'll come talk to you, Dad." Now this is a language/cultural thing that doesn't really work in English, because first of all, you wouldn't call your friend's parents "mom" and "dad" and second of all, Fadel is actually using the word "dad" as a pronoun here, which is also strange in English, because you would be talking in 3rd person here, if you're directly addressing the dad:

Then I'll come talk to dad again. เดี๋ยวผมมาคุยกับพ่ออีกทีนะครับ [dĭieow - pŏm - maa - kui - gàp - pôh - ìik tii - ná - kráp] moment - I - come - talk, chat - with - dad - another time - [na] - [krub]

Style's dad is very delighted and pleased at being called "dad" by his son's boyfriend (as opposed to "uncle"), though he teases Fadel about it. His dad's reaction has Style smile again. Actually, I just adore this silent communication between Style and his dad here so much:

I think Style is quite happy to see how his dad is so chill about Fadel, so open to and almost kind of excited about accepting Fadel as a member of his family, especially considering we now know that this is the first time Style has brought anyone home and we also know from episode 5 that Style was really worried about his dad's reaction to him liking men. A few of you are likely familiar with the relief that Style must be feeling here. And then his dad also acknowledges it with a smile and a nod at his son... Please. I think I might cry.

No. 7: Paintball

After breakfast Fadel and Style go play paintball. I've seen some posts in the tags about how this seems "out of character" and also about how they (as well as Kant and Bison) should have spent their last 24 hours in bed together and that it's unrealistic that they wouldn't have slept together one last time. Of course, the paintball is mostly there to be a homage to the movie the series is based on, but it really doesn't bother me that it's there.

First of all, regarding those claims that it's unrealistic that they didn't sleep with each other... Well, it's canon that Fadel spent the night at Style's place and we didn't see them between their ten minute hug outside the garage and the next morning when they had breakfast. There is a gap in the story, so you can imagine all kinds of things that may have gone down once they reached Style's bedroom. You can write fanfiction about it. That's what the fanfiction gap is for. I say go write fanfiction about it. You know Joong wants you to.

Second of all, I think it ties in with the quote from episode 6 I already mentioned earlier: "Try just being someone you want to be. We'll do it together." I think in a way the paintball is a parallel to the concert in episode 6. Back then, Style was also spending a last day (night) with Fadel and while Fadel was entirely unaware of the fact that it could have been their last night together, they were still doing something that Fadel loved, they were doing something where Fadel could be himself. And if you've been following my meta series you'll know that Style has been trying to get Fadel to loosen up from the very first episode already. So I love this paintball scene, because even when Fadel was enjoying himself at the concert, his joy still seemed a little dimmed, as if he was a bit shy to fully let loose. But now, playing paintball, it must be the most carefree we've ever seen Fadel in the entire series so far. Fadel is being silly, and he's enjoying being silly with his boyfriend without any restraints, without feeling embarrassed about it even in the slightest. And I really thank the paintball scene to give me a glimpse of this side of Fadel.

Third of all, I like that they're not just spending all day staying in bed together, because honestly, that sounds kind of depressing to me. Because it would feel like you're just waiting for the clock to tick down, with the impending doom so painfully there in bed with them. And so I like that they're going out and are able to enjoy themselves, distracting themselves from and even entirely forgetting about what is waiting for them at the end of the day. I like that, even for just a brief moment, they get to be the most happy without the dark cloud of Fadel going to prison looming over them. They can just be themselves.

And fourth of all, I think Fadel is also doing it for Style. Because Fadel knows positivity is how Style deals with things. And slowly watching the clock tick down would break Style, so Fadel goes out to do something fun with Style. And Fadel fully lets loose for the first time and he turns into the sweetest boyfriend for Style, something that Fadel never really got be before. At least not with everything completely out in the open and with both parties fully aware of all the truths. Fadel has just one day of freedom left, just one last day in his relationship with Style (or so Fadel thinks), Fadel has nothing left to lose and so he turns into the sweetest boyfriend, almost like a goodbye present to Style. He's leaving Style with happy memories to look back on, memories full of laughter and joy.

And so I really don't mind that we got the paintball scenes in place of a bedroom scene. Besides, I'm never gonna say no to JoongDunk having fun on camera while being cute, whether it's DaoKluen playing around at the fish market, JokeZo chasing each other in the park, or now FadelStyle having the time of their lives playing paintball. At this point let me also just say, I love how Style complains about Fadel suddenly kissing his cheek, but at the same time basically presents his cheek for Fadel to kiss. Also, I'm sad we never got to see them sit intertwined like this in the series itself, so of course I gotta at the very least commemorate it here (courtesy of Dunk, I owe him my life 🙏):

When they are cleaning the paint off of each other, Style asks "Are you gonna be so sweet to me like this all day?" and if you've read my ep9 meta, then you'll know this has been a bit of a linguistic theme that got lost in translation. But more on that in a second, when another word also makes a return.

Fadel agrees that he's going to be sweet all day. Style is absolutely ready for it and says "It's too bad I didn't get to see your sweet side from the get-go. You wasted all that time being so mean to me." The word that Style uses for "mean" is โหด [hòht], which you may remember from my ep9 meta:

Style uses the word โหด [hòht] which is a word I actually discussed with my Thai friend after episode 7 and he explained that it can be translated in a few different ways depending on context, but usually it means "cruel" or "aggressive" or "brutal". I'm gonna go with "harsh" as a translation to have some consistency, because I feel like this word could work for all the lines that I'm about to drop.

I'm also just gonna bring some old lines back, for comparison (and I'm still sticking with "harsh" as a translation). Because "harsh" vs. "sweet" has been a bit of a theme, especially recently. In episode 4, when Style showed up in the kitchen he told Fadel:

No matter how harsh you are, I'm still hooked on you. มึงโหดแค่ไหนอ่ะ กูก็ยังติดใจมึงอยู่ดี [mueng - hòht - kâe năi - àh • guu - gôh - yang - dtìt-jai - mueng - yùu dii] you - harsh - how much - [particle] • I - [sentence link] - still - hooked - you - anyway Official subs: It doesn't matter how scary you are, I'm still hooked.

Then, in episode 7 when Fadel surprise attacked Style with a shower of kisses at the garage, Fadel had following complaint to Style:

When I'm sweet, you don't like it. ตอนกูหวานมึงก็ไม่ชอบ [dton - guu - wăan - mueng - gôr - mâi - chôp] when - I - sweet - you - [sentence link] - not - like Official subs: You don't like me being nice. When I'm harsh, you still scold me. ตอนกูโหดมึงก็ด่ากู [dton - guu - hòht - mueng - gôr - dàa - guu] when - I - harsh - you - [sentence link] - scold - me Official subs: You complain when I'm cold.

In episode 9, before they kissed in the ocean, Style teased Fadel:

Even when you're this harsh, you're still sweet with me. นี่ขนาดโหดนะเนี่ย ยังหวานกับกูเลย [nîi - kà-nàat hòht - ná - nîia • yang - wăan - gàp - guu - loiie] [interjection] - this harsh - [particle] - [particle] • still - sweet - with - me - [particle] Official subs: Even when you're threatening me, you're worried about me.

And moments later Style told him:

From now on I want you to use only your sweet side. ต่อไปนี้กูอยากให้มึงใช้แต่ด้านหวาน [dtòh bpai níi - guu - yàak - hâi - mueng - chái - dtàe - dâan wăan] from now on - I - want - that - you - use - only - sweet side Official subs: From now on, I just want to see you being lovey-dovey.

And the theme of "harsh" and "sweet" is coming back around in episode 11 when Style says:

What a pity I didn't get to see your sweetness from the beginning. เสียดายนะ ไม่ได้เห็นความหวานของมึงตั้งแต่แรกอ่ะ [sĭia daai - ná • mâi dâai - hĕn - kwaam wăan - kŏng mueng - dtâng dtàe râek - àh] pity - [particle] • didn't - see - sweetness - of you, your - from the beginning - [particle] Official subs: It's too bad I didn't get to see your sweet side from the get-go. You wasted a little too much time being harsh to me. เสียเวลาโหดกับกูไปหน่อยว่ะ [sĭia weh-laa - hòht - gàp - guu - bpai nòi - wâ] waste time - harsh - with - me - a little too (much) - [particle] Official subs: You wasted all that time being so mean to me.

And I just love seeing the development of Fadel being harsh towards Style and Style liking him anyway to Fadel still being harsh, but also his sweet side starting to come through to Fadel now being totally sweet without a hint of harshness whatsoever. They've really come a long way. Although, of course Fadel can't be too sweet and he still teases Style about it: "Who'd want to be sweet with an annoying guy?" Except he says it with a smile in his eyes and with the softest tone ever. Style still takes a little offense, throwing Fadel a look that is both offended and very affectionate at the same time while he grabs the hose from Fadel, ready to take revenge. But then, Fadel continues: "You're just like Bison. You always find something good in a bad guy." Style smiles, looks away for a moment, thinks, then replies: "I believe people can change." And we know this to be true, because Style once told Kant: "I believe in the power of love. Love can turn a bad guy good." Besides, Style has been proven right about people being able to change: Style has been watching Fadel change in front of his very eyes. The Fadel that dragged Style out of his restaurant by his feet would never have sobbed into Style's lap like that.

Style then continues to say that he loves a mission and this is also something we've been seeing over the course of the series. In the beginning he was open to the mission of hitting on Fadel for Kant and now towards the end he was always very willing to help in Fadel and Bison's missions against Lilly. As for Fadel he's got his very own mission in mind: Project Boyfriend. Style announces that he'll help Fadel turn over a new leaf and Fadel contemplates for a second, staring at Style almost in wonder, then laughs and says "You think this Project Whatever of yours is gonna work?" Then he asks "You think I can change?", except in Thai it's not a dig at himself but rather a dig at Style's abilities:

You think you can change me? มึงคิดว่ามึงจะเปลี่ยนกูได้ [mueng - kít - wâa - mueng - jà - bplìian - guu - dâai] you - think - that - you - will - change - me - can, be able to

It's a challenge to Style: I dare you to change me. And we all (including Fadel) know that Style isn't one to back down from a challenge. Because Style loves winning. Except Style knows he's already won:

I don't know if it's gonna work or not. สำเร็จไม่ส���เร็จไม่รู้อ่ะ [săm-rèt - mâi săm-rèt - mâi - rúu - àh] succeed - not succeed - not - know - [particle] You're letting me grab you and kiss your cheek like that. มึงให้กูจับหอมขนาดนั้นนะ [mueng - hâi - guu - jàp - hŏm - kà-nàat nán - ná] you - let - me - grab - kiss cheek - like that - [particle] Is it working? สำเร็จป่ะล่ะ [săm-rèt - bpà - lâ] succeed - ? - [particle]

(Official subs: "You tell me if it works when you let me do this to you.")

To really hit this home, Style immediately makes a grab for Fadel's face and kisses his cheek Like That™. Style showers Fadel in kisses and it turns into a water fight full of laughter and love, the exact opposite of the one time in episode 2 when Fadel doused Style at the market. And on a last note, let's just appreciate Style biting Fadel's head, because biting is a love language (see section cover pic for this, I meant to add it as a gif, but I ran into image limit 😭).

No. 8: Romantic Dates at a DIY-Grave

After they're done playing paintball, Fadel takes Style to another very special spot: his very own DIY-grave. Considering how surprised Style sounds when he asks "Why is your name on this tombstone?" I think it's safe to assume that Fadel failed to mention that they were gonna be visiting his own grave. If Fadel even told Style about visiting a grave at all, that is. Fadel explains "I had it done for myself" and in Thai it's actually even more depressing than that:

I prepared the grave for myself. กูเตรียมหลุมศพให้ตัวเองอ่ะ [dtriiam - lŭm sòp - hâi - dtuua eng - àh] prepare - grave - for - myself - [particle]

I mean, of course as viewers we are very well aware of the fact that Fadel did it himself, since we actually saw him dig it back in episode 3, but it sure hits different actually hearing him say it out loud as well. That he himself did it. Not that he commissioned it for other people to do it, but that he himself did it (except for the making of the actual gravestone itself, I assume). Somebody give this man a hug and wrap him in a blanket.

This information sure hits Style, too, because he whips his head around to Fadel, his expression shocked. Fadel continues to say that no one knows about this, not even Bison, and Style really doesn't understand:

And why do you have to prepare like this? แล้วทำไมมึงต้องเตรียมขนาดนั้นด้วยอ่ะ [láew - tam-mai - mueng - dtông - dtriiam - kà-nàat nán - dûuay - àh] and - why - you - have to - prepare - like that, that much - also, too - [particle] Official subs: Why would you do that?

I think Style does have somewhat of an idea as to why Fadel would prepare his own grave, but asks for clarification so that he has the exact details and I like to think that he is also hoping against all odds that there is a non-depressing explanation for this. Style looks at Fadel again and this time his face is full of concern rather than shock. Style listens attentively as Fadel explains that he lives a risky life that could end at any moment and that he'll be dying alone. Fadel then goes on to say that he wants to be buried here and that there's no need for a funeral since he doesn't have any family and only Bison would be crying over him. Style raises his eyebrows for a moment, tilts his head a little, sighs, and then furrows his brows a bit, accompanied by a small headshake.

I think he is a little hurt that Fadel thinks Style wouldn't be crying at his grave. I think he's sad for both Fadel as well as himself that Fadel still can't seem to wrap his head around just how much Style cares about him and just how very loved he is by Style. I think Style is sad that Fadel is in a mental state where he'll just take it for granted that nobody would be willing to put in the time and effort it takes to love him and at the same time Style is also hurt that his very own efforts to love Fadel, everything that he's done for him, all of it just gets disregarded by Fadel in the process. Style didn't go through the past ten episodes for nothing. And so he reminds Fadel: "Your boyfriend is literally standing right here." Style will, in fact, be crying over Fadel. And because Style is Style who always looks at the bright sight of things, he then proceeds to announce: "I'll make sure your grave is well decorated with flowers and burgers on the daily." As soon as he's finished speaking, he turns his head to check on Fadel's reaction.

And Fadel? Is smiling brightly. It worked.

Style can go back to being serious: "And when I die, I'll be lying right next to you. I won't let you get lonely." He sits down and leans against the gravestone as he says this to really demonstrate his point. Then he holds out his hand to Fadel who takes it and Style pulls him down. Fadel smiles brightly and Style laughs as Fadel gets comfy next to Style. And there's a moment where Style stares at Fadel with an emotion that I can't quite put into words, a moment where he slips out of that happiness very briefly and takes a private moment to lose himself in Fadel. I think Style wishes Fadel didn't have to embrace death with such open arms as part of his everyday life. And I think another thing that is happening here is that Style's sadness and the heaviness of the impending separation is coming through for just a second while Fadel isn't properly looking at him. Style can't easily pull Fadel out of his lonely and lowkey suicidal mind and be his light in the dark when Fadel is locked up.

Style immediately jumps back into happy mode as soon Fadel meets his eyes again. "Even when we were ghosts, I'd still be yapping your ears off," Style says and warmly looks at Fadel who just stares at him, taking in his words. Then Fadel drops his head down to kiss Style's shoulder and Style uses the chance to sneak a forehead kiss. Fadel wasn't expecting that sneaky kiss and looks up at Style in surprise. Fadel laughs and Style watches him with a smile, but that smile has a much more serious air to it than usual. Fadel starts talking again and just like before Style listens attentively while Fadel confesses that he's been thinking less about dying ever since he met Style. And Fadel also tells him why that is:

Because you make me feel like I wanna keep on living so that I can be with you for a long time. เพราะมึงทำให้กูรู้สึกว่ากูอยากมีชีวิตต่อเพื่อที่จะอยู่กับมึงไปนานๆ [próh - mueng - tam hâi - guu - rúu-sèuk - wâa - guu - yàak - mii chii-wít - dtòr - pêuua tîi jà - yùu - gàp - mueng - bpai - naan naan] because - you - make that, cause - I - feel - that - I - want - live, be alive - further - so that, in order to - be - with - you - [particle] - for a long time Official subs: I want to keep on living just to spend time with you.

Yeah, I just wanted to put this language note here to highlight that it's not just that Fadel wants to spend time with Style, but that he wants to do so for a long time. That means Fadel is finally seeing a future for himself that doesn't end in (early) death, it's a happy future right by Style's side. A future where they'll be old men together. In a way, this is almost a response or maybe a parallel to Style saying "I'll still wanna be with you [when we're old]." Fadel wants to stay alive so he can have that old man yaoi future with Style.

This makes Style smile brightly and now his smile also reaches his eyes again. "That's the most romantic thing I've heard." Style starts teasing Fadel about it. Fadel isn't convinced. "You're making me feel like I'm being lame." But Style really means it. "You're just romantic in an oddly specific way. Who the hell takes their boyfriend to their grave? I doubt I'll ever find another one like you." No joke. Style leans in a little closer and tells Fadel: "Don't die on me just yet. Stay and be weirdly romantic with me for a very long time." Style also wants that old man yaoi future with Fadel. Very much so.

They look at each other for a moment. Then Style lifts his hand to Fadel's face and gently pulls him closer. Fadel turns a little more towards Style and leans his head forward to grant Style better access to his forehead which Style proceeds to kiss softly. Fadel leans in even more to kiss Style's cheek just as softly in response. Then Fadel leans his head down to kiss Style's thumb of the hand that is still lightly touching Fadel's face. The two of them bask in the time they still have left together. They stay seated, enjoying the nature and each other's company for a little while longer while they still can. The day will end soon enough.

No. 9: Therapy Session

Their next stop is the gym in which the Rise Up meetings are held. Back in episode 5 Style asked Fadel why he goes to the meetings and now several episodes later Fadel finally gives him a proper answer to that question, an answer that isn't just two sentences. Fadel goes because his parents were killed, yes, but Style finally learns the real reasoning behind it: Fadel prefers telling his stories to strangers to avoid being an emotional burden to anyone, since strangers don't really care that much. Fadel doesn't want anyone to worry. As always when Fadel speaks, Style listens attentively. And that's really interesting, because just now Fadel actually said:

Well, if people don't know each other, they'll just listen without really paying attention, right? ก็ถ้าคนเราไม่รู้จักกันเนี่ย ก็จะฟังผ่านๆ ใช่ป่ะล่ะ [gôh - tâa - kon rao - mâi - rúu-jàk gan - nîia • gôh - jà - fang - pàan pàan - châi - bpà - lâ] well - if - people - not - know each other - [particle] • then - will - listen - carelessly, superficially - right - ? - [particle] Official translation: When you don't know them, you don't really care about them much, do you?

(Alt. translation: [...] they'll just listen carelessly, right?)

My Thai friend explained the phrase ฟังผ่านๆ [fang pàan pàan] as "you listen but you're not really paying attention to what is being said", like you hear it but you aren't really listening. But Style does listen. Style listens attentively every time Fadel opens up. Style lets Fadel talk without interruption, lets him share whatever he wants to share without pressuring him. And lately, Fadel has been sharing with Style quite a bit and he also acknowledges that and the resulting growth: "But I just learned what it's like to share my sorrow. I don't feel so sad anymore. I'm happier." And now Style does finally comment:

You're a super deep person, you know? มึงอ่ะเป็นคนโคตร deep เลยรู้ป่ะ [mueng - àh - bpen - kon - kôht - deep - loiie - rúu - bpà] you - [particle] - be - person - very, extremely - deep - [particle] - know - ? Official subs: You’re way too deep, you know that?

I think Style is quite impressed, but not necessarily in the sense where he's completely in awe of Fadel, but rather I feel like there's almost a bit of disappointment behind it in the way he says that, as if he was disappointed at himself that he himself isn't like that. Especially because he then also sighs and continues with "I personally think I have no layers at all. I'm pretty boring." And it's interesting that overly confident Style would have such a low view of himself. But that might also just be where the "overly" part of "overly confident" comes into play. Although I don't think Style necessarily has low self-esteem, I think he's genuinely confident enough. I also remember some talk in the tags over the past few weeks that the thing about Style is that with him what you see is what you get. And I think this what Style might be referring to here. Unlike Fadel, Style doesn't really hide his emotions. He feels what he feels and his surroundings will know about it. He doesn't hide behind a grumpy pokerface where you have to dig deep to find out just how much is actually behind it. I think Style thinks he's a bit of an open book that takes next to no effort to read, which makes it (makes him) boring. But I (and my over 100k words of analysis) beg to differ. And so does Fadel: "No layers? But you're so sensitive."

Now, I looked up some definitions of "sensitive", because I wasn't sure to what extent I agree. Cambridge dictionary defines one meaning as:

easily upset by the things people say or do, or causing people to be upset, embarrassed, or angry

I'm not sure I would agree with saying Style is "easily upset by the things people say or do". He did take almost everything that Fadel threw at him in stride, after all, down to the constant stream of death threats, and Style even never really held a grudge (and if he did, it didn't last long). And as much as we all adore Fadel, we gotta admit Fadel's harsh behavior towards Style really was quite shitty at certain points, even if it absolutely makes perfect sense from his POV. The only thing I can think of right now where Style was "easily upset" is how upset Style was when Fadel blue-balled him in the kitchen in episode 4. But I think some of that anger and hurt was less about the kitchen incident and more about Fadel also ditching him in the storage room after they hooked up in the first place. Another moment I can think of where this definition may apply to is when Style cries in the motel bed, but as I mentioned in my ep8 meta, I think that crying is totally justified after the events of that day (as well as the day before).

As for saying "causing people to be upset, embarrassed, or angry", now that I can get behind a lot more easily. After all, making Fadel angry and upset is pretty much all Style lived for in the beginning of their journey and he most definitely also tried to embarrass Fadel on occasion (namely when he yelled at Fadel in the market place in episode 2 or when he caused a scene at the diner in episode 4). Although even that was very specific to Fadel, and we didn't really see Style make any of the other characters he interacted with angry or upset or embarrassed.

Another definition given on Cambridge dictionary is:

understanding what other people need, and being helpful and kind to them

Now this is a definition I absolutely and 100% agree with when it comes to Style. I've mentioned it in multiple of my metas already that Style likes to help and he also tends to mediate. As a mediator, he would have to be understanding of the needs of the people involved in the conflict in order to diffuse the situation with as little harm as possible.

Merriam-Webster also gives this definition:

delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others

We see this true especially with Fadel. Style is excellent at reading Fadel. We see it over and over again how Style will observe Fadel, will watch him closely, will watch him intently, will listen to him attentively, will read him and knows exactly what to say or how to act, especially the better he gets to know Fadel and the more he starts to care about Fadel. And personally I like to think that this is a skill that Style learned through his mother's illness and her death. While his mother was sick and dying, things must have been very emotionally difficult and likely also very tense at home and when his dad lost his bearings after the mother's death, Style probably also got quite some practice in reading and being aware of the attitudes and feelings of others (namely of his dad, back then).

I don't know in which way Fadel meant it when he said Style is sensitive, but he does hit the nail on the head with his next point: "You just mask it all under your jokes." Fadel got to witness this up close on their little road trip adventure. In his anger and hurt he wasn't exactly on his best behavior towards Style, but despite that Style kept flirting, kept yapping, kept making jokes about using the complimentary gifts or wanting his body to be dumped in a beautiful place so his ghost could haunt nature. I touched on it a little bit in my ep8 meta (section 2, the last 2-3 paragraphs) and then in a bit more detail throughout my ep9 meta, but I think Style was actually hurt by Fadel's behavior. And I think Fadel was kinda aware of it. If not in episode 8, then at the very least he realized it in episode 9 when Style was on his knees offering his life. And I just love that we have this confirmation that Fadel has learned to read Style just as much as Style has learned to read Fadel. They know each other equally.

Style replies: "Everyone has their own way of dealing with sadness, right? You pretend it doesn't hurt. I bury it under my positivity." And here's the literal wording, for those who are curious:

Someone like you uses indifference. อย่างมึงอ่ะก็ใช้ความด้านชา [yàang - mueng - àh - gôh - chái - kwaam dâan chaa] like - you - [particle] - [sentence link] - use - indifference As for me, I use cheerfulness. ส่วนกูก็ใช้ความร่าเริง [sùuan - guu - gôh - chái - kwaam râa rerng] as for - me - [sentence link] - use - cheerfulness

And I like to think this is also something Style probably learned or even actively chose to start doing through his mothers illness and death. We've seen Style use positivity/cheerfulness to deal with his problems plenty of times throughout the series and not just directly opposite Fadel, but also when Fadel wasn't around, most notably in episode 6 when Style and Kant were stood outside a locked restaurant as well as in episode 7 when Style and Kant were in the showers and Kant brought up the brothers' suspicious behavior. In my metas I didn't really explicitly say that Style's jokes were a mask or that he was using his cheerfulness to bury his problems, but when writing about the aforementioned scene of episode 6 I did say this in my ep6 meta:

And what's interesting about it is that during that little chat Style isn't even all that depressed, despite still not having any clue whatsoever about Fadel's whereabouts. In fact, he actually sounds kind of cheerful when he asks and talks about the cat, unlike in the scene before where he was simply just miserable. Style's tone as well as his expression do both get more serious when he says "I guess [the cat] misses Bison, then. He’s a food source, after all", but no matter how troubled he is about the whole situation, no matter how worried he is about Fadel's well-being and no matter how much he misses him, he won't let himself wallow in misery.

(bolded for emphasis)

And for the shower scene in episode 7 I wrote the following:

Just like in episode 6, Style refuses to just sit there in misery. He refuses to be stressed as long as there is still a small glimmer of hope that things end well. Yes, Fadel has been acting weird, but until Style has definite proof that something is indeed extremely wrong, he'll go and enjoy life. As long as there is still a positive, plausible explanation or a positive way out, he'll go and enjoy life. There could be something wrong, but there doesn't have to be and so Style chooses to hold onto the thought that there isn't anything wrong for now until proven otherwise. And with that energy, he goes bowling that same night.

He won't let himself wallow in misery and episode 11 explicitly confirms that this is indeed exactly how he deals with a situation and that Style is also very much aware of it. Honestly, I love getting the confirmation that Style is self-aware. I mean, I figured, because I know my boy Style is a smart man, but still, it's nice to have it explicitly stated in canon as well.

But this day and especially this place isn't about Style at all and so he brings the conversation back around to Fadel: "But I don't want you to think you're a burden to anyone." It's important to Style that Fadel really understands that. And it's even more important that Fadel understands that he most definitely isn't a burden to Style specifically. Style has finally managed to get Fadel to trust him enough to open up and to share and Style just wants Fadel to keep on sharing. "Whatever you're feeling, I'm here if you need to dump it on someone," Style says. Fadel laughs a little, then amusedly asks "Whatever I'm feeling?" Style smiles a bit, then determinedly gets up and firmly confirms: "Whatever you're feeling." Fadel challenges him a little: "If I get sad?" Style walks two steps towards Fadel, then says "I'll cry with you. I'll wipe your tears." We haven't yet seen Style cry with Fadel, but we did very much watch him gently wipe tears from Fadel's face only last episode. Fadel knows that Style is speaking the truth, because Style has done it before. And Style knows Fadel knows it's true. There is no doubt about it, because Style has already done what he says he will do. Fadel smiles and asks "If I'm happy?" Style walks two more steps towards him, saying "I'll laugh with you." This, too, is something they've done together on quite a few occasions by now, most recently only mere hours ago when they were playing paintball. This, too, is something that Style has already proven to be true. Style looks at Fadel expectantly, ready to shoot back a confident answer in the blink of an eye for whatever other mood Fadel is throwing at him. But Fadel is completely serious now, no longer challenging Style. He no longer needs to, Fadel already believes him, because Style has already proven his words to be true even before they were out of his mouth. In a serious tone, Fadel goes "And if I..." and the way Fadel trails off is quite reminiscent of the way Style trailed off in episode 4 when he said "Having a boyfriend is great. You have someone to embrace, to love, and to…" Style takes his last step towards Fadel, sits in his lap, straddling him, and says "I'll help." Then he kisses Fadel, proving these words to be true, too, just like the other ones.

They won't get to kiss each other for five long years, so Style wants to stock up. When they're done kissing, Style moves into a hug. But Fadel leans forward for a moment to kiss Style's neck and Style actually looks surprised and a little caught off guard with the way he blinks and raises his eyebrows.

No matter how cheerful of a front Style has been putting up all day and no matter how much he genuinely was cheerful at certain points since they got up this morning, deep down Style has been in pain about the impending separation all day, too. And right then and there, wrapped in Fadel's arms, with his face where Fadel can't see it... Style finally lets himself feel that pain. At least a little bit. Unlike Fadel in episode 6, Style is not (yet) crying.

And this right here is exactly why I think it's good they went out and played paintball. Because Style already looked so sad the night before during the ten minute hug, and now that he's back in Fadel's arms again he looks even more miserable. He looks like he's about to start crying any second. If they'd spent all day in bed, even if they had slept together (even if multiple times), I think during the downtimes where they would have just been cuddling Style would have just been miserable as he feels the minutes, the hours passing by. And I don't think Fadel would have wanted Style to spend his last 24 hours with Fadel feeling sad and upset and dreading the moment they have to say goodbye. Especially because Fadel is fully aware of the fact that Style uses positivity and cheerfulness to deal with sadness. And I'm glad Style got to have at least a few hours where he was completely distracted from his hurt about the separation and where he was able to genuinely smile and be happy and have fun without feeling awful. Because the grief will catch up soon enough. The grief is already catching up. They remain seated holding onto each other like this for probably quite a while.

No. 10: A Present

The last stop of the day before Fadel has to go is, of course, the Heart Burger restaurant. Style is back to being his smiley self. He's standing in the kitchen with Fadel, about to prepare some food, because Fadel wants to cook food with his partner that is do what he loves with the person that he loves. Fadel loudly announces that it makes him happy and then smiles towards the table, looking almost kind of shy. Style watches Fadel fondly, his expression loving and warm.

Fadel opens up about his history in the restaurant business and says he likes Heart Burger best, to the point where he was considering running it as a serious business once he'd quit being a killer. Style's expression turns a little more neutral while he's intently listening to Fadel talk. But then Fadel says "Who'd have thought…" and trails off and Style's smile from before is gone completely.

I think there are two things happening here: the first thing is that Style's need to help (especially those he loves) immediately has him try thinking of a solution where the Heart Burger might be saved while Fadel goes to prison. And the second thing, which is more subconscious I think, is that the impending goodbye really hits him again. His main concern is Fadel and how to keep Fadel's restaurant safe for him while Fadel is gone, but I think for a moment he's also feeling very much not okay again about Fadel being taken away from him in the first place. Then Style's eyebrows shoot up as a solution pops into his mind: "You want me to run this place while you're gone?" Fadel looks up, sees Style's very serious and earnest expression, huffs a little and says: "Just focus on your garage. I don't want this place to go out of business just yet." He smiles a cheeky little smile while he says the second sentence and his teasing works. For a moment Style comes out of his serious mood as he complains "Oh, you underestimate me". Actually, I asked my friend about the expression ดูถูก [duu tùuk] that Style uses here and my friend translated it as "to insult":

Don't you think you're insulting me a bit too much? มึงดูถูกกูไปป่ะวะ [mueng - duu tùuk - guu - bpai - bpa - wá] you - insult - me - to (much) - ? - [particle]

Style immediately goes back to being earnest and serious when he says "With a little training, I can do it, you know?" Fadel looks at Style, his expression warm, and Style gives him an encouraging little nod. He is very much willing to put in the effort for Fadel. If Fadel loves this restaurant and wants to do it as a full-time job then Style will happily do everything that he can to keep it safe for Fadel until Fadel returns.

Fadel takes off his gloves, then reaches for his pocket and says "You don't need to" and the first time I watched the episode for a split second I thought he was about to pull out a ring and propose to Style right then and there. And with the way Style looks down towards Fadel's hand I wonder if Style was thinking the same thing for just a moment. What Fadel pulls out isn't exactly a ring, but it might as well be: it's the Heart Burger pin. The very pin that they argued about the third time they met back in episode 1. The very pin that Fadel so irritably demanded to get back. Fadel is now holding that very pin out to him. Style just stares at it, not moving a muscle. Fadel then says out loud that he's giving it to Style and Style looks at him and, still in shock, asks:

But you're very protective of it, aren't you? แต่มึงหวงมากเลยไม่ใช่หรอ [dtàe - mueng - hŭuang - mâak loiie - mâi châi - rŏh] but - you - protective - very much - no - ? Official subs: But you love it so much, don’t you?

Style uses the word หวง [hŭuang] here which in series will often get translated as "possessive" or "jealous" (especially when it's used to refer to being หวง [hŭuang] about a person), but my friend explained that this word is also used to express that the thing is something you wanna keep to yourself, something you wanna keep in your sight (in the words of my friend: "Normally you would never let this out of your sight"). He also explained that when it's an object you might also have a certain way to use it/go about it. I thought "protective" would work quite well as a translation here, because it also implies that you want to keep the thing in your sight to watch over it.

So Style is very surprised that Fadel is actually entrusting him with the pin since Fadel is so หวง [hŭuang] about it and Fadel explains: "That's exactly why I want you to take care of it." Style searches Fadel's face, still in disbelief, but he's starting to smile now. Fadel moves to put it on him right above his heart and Style's smile grows bigger, but then falls a little again when Fadel looks away. Style's eyes stay fixed on Fadel while Fadel puts the pin on Style's shirt. In the middle of the action Fadel looks up at Style's face and Style smiles small fond smiles at him as he keeps staring at him. He is so in love.

Fadel is done attaching the pin and speaks compliments, looking proudly at the pin. Style falls into his own world a little bit as he looks down at it. Quiet wonder and amazement grows on his face while he lifts his head, lost in thought, and then looks back down at the pin.

This may not have been an actual marriage proposal, but it is as good as one. Style finally comes back to reality. He turns to Fadel and says: "It feels really safe when you're by my side." And it's so nice to see what a long way Style, too, has come from "It feels so weird every time I'm with you. Sometimes you make me feel so scared, and sometimes you make me feel so safe" back in episode 5. Style smiles at Fadel very fondly again. Fadel looks up surprised and smiling a little, too. In the end he laughs and comments "What is that, all of a sudden? Gives me the creeps." Fun fact, in Thai he's not creeped out but:

I'm gonna puke. จะอ้วก [jà - ûuak] will - puke

Still happy, Fadel instructs Style to cut the onions (is it onions because we're about to lead into a scene that has us go "is someone cutting onions or why are my eyes wet"?) and Style smiles brightly at Fadel and amusedly shakes his head at Fadel's reaction to his words. Then he turns towards the cutting board, but not without looking at Fadel one more time.

The scene ends in a montage of the two of them by the stove, making their burgers all while they smile together, laugh together, and constantly look at each other.

No. 11: The Last Supper

Dinner is done, the table is set, and the two of them are ready to eat. Style is impressed. "I want our last dinner to be special," says Fadel. Style looks up at him, eyes wide in shock. "Don't say 'last dinner'." Style doesn't wanna hear it. It's not gonna be their last. It's just not. "We'll be together when you're out of prison." Actually what Style says here is:

We'll get to eat more [meals] when you're out of jail. เดี๋ยวมึงออกมาจากคุกก็ได้กินอีก [dĭieow - mueng - òhk maa jàak - kúk - gôh - dâai - gin - ìik] moment - you - come out of - jail - [sentence link] - get to - eat - more

And this wording just really reminds me of episode 6 after the concert when Fadel promised "When I'm back, there'll be more nights like this." It's not just that they'll be together in general when Fadel is back, but they'll be able to do specific activities together again. This activity specifically. Eating dinner together. (Though from the behind the scenes we already know that Fadel will be keeping his own promise, too. EDIT: Joke's one me, turns out it's a deleted scene that never made it into an episode. I cry.) In a way, Style's words are as much of a promise as Fadel's words were after the concert. Or rather, Style's words are a firm decision. A fact, even. In five years they'll be eating more dinners, any other option is absolutely and entirely out of the question.

But for Fadel, the future isn't so clear: "I don't know what the future holds. I just want to make the most out of tonight." Style doesn't try to convince Fadel otherwise, but instead says "Let's plan our life, then." And that's interesting, because this is the second time this episode that Style is planning something or wants to plan something where Fadel, who's usually the planner out of the two of them, doesn't have any plans at all. Style's relationship with Fadel is so important to Style that even he starts planning now. Though I think this time around it's more than that. Style is very well aware of the fact that Fadel is a planner, well aware that Fadel plans out his whole life. But now, Fadel suddenly faces uncertainty for his future. And I think when Style offers to make plans it's also an offer of comfort, because he knows having plans gives Fadel reassurance. And if plans are what Fadel needs to stay confident in his relationship with Style throughout his time in prison, then Style will gladly sit down and make those plans. He'll do anything to make Fadel feel better and he'll also do anything to keep Fadel by his side. Because giving up (on) Fadel is simply just not an option. In a way this also parallels how Fadel was trying to look for the bright side earlier in the episode when Style couldn't. Now Style is trying to make plans when Fadel can't. But Fadel doesn't follow, so Style elaborates:

Let's plan how we're gonna be in a relationship while you're in jail. วางแผนว่าเราจะคบกันยังไงอ่ะ ตอนมึงอยู่ในคุก [waang păen - wâa - rao - jà - kóp gan - yang-ngai - àh • dton - mueng - yùu - nai - kúk] to plan - that - we - will - date, be a couple - how - [particle] • when, while - you - be - in - jail Official subs: Let's plan how we're going to make this work while you're in prison.

Because of course Fadel going to jail is not equal to a break-up in Style's mind, the same way Fadel's death threats didn't mean they were broken up either. And obviously they're still gonna be a couple while Fadel is in jail. But Fadel doesn't see how that's possible:

How can we be in a relationship? จะคบยังไงอ่ะ [jà - kóp - yang-ngai - àh] will - date, be a couple - how - [particle] Official subs: How are we going to do that? You'll be on the outside and I'll be on the inside. มึงก็อยู่ข้างนอก กูอยู่ข้างใน [mueng - gôh - yùu - kâang nôk • guu - yùu - kâang nai] you - [sentence link] - be - outside • I - be - inside Official subs: You'll be here while I'm there.

Style doesn't say anything for a moment and Fadel continues speaking: "Style… You don't have to wait for me. Just do what you want to do. Think of our time together… as a fun period of your life." Style looks at Fadel, almost in shock and says "No." Style's voice is a little shaky, he almost sounds a bit scared. Fadel is not breaking up with him just because he's going to prison, Style absolutely will not let that happen. "It doesn't have to be a big deal," he says, his voice now steady again. Fun fact, in Thai he actually explicitly says that คุก [kúk] (= jail) doesn't have to be a big deal. So what if Fadel is in jail? "I can visit you every week." But Fadel simply cannot imagine a world where someone would put in so much effort for him: "I'll just be a burden to you."

Except, there is someone out there who is more than happy to put in all that effort and it's Style. "What burden? I'm willing to take it." When Style says that he's willing to take on the burden there is so much urgency and a little bit of desperation in his voice. And I think it's not just because it's important to him that Fadel understands it for his (Fadel's) mental well-being, but I think Style is also hurt that Fadel is currently in the process of disregarding Style's own feelings on the matter again as he has done many times before. Fadel can have as much trauma as he wants and Style is understanding of that, of course, but it's still not a great experience to constantly receive messages along the lines of "you're feelings aren't real, what you think doesn't matter, I don't believe you". Because Style really means it when he says he still wants this relationship to continue even with Fadel in prison and he means it when he says he can (and will) visit him weekly. And it hurts Style that Fadel just refuses to see that, refuses to acknowledge that in any way. This relationship is made out of two people and Style also has his own agency here which Fadel is just completely brushing aside when he insists that Style wouldn't do the things Style says he would. And that just hurts, especially when Style has proven his words to be true over and over again. Fadel's behavior is not entirely fair to Style.

Style is so very willing to take the burden and he's starting to get stressed, because no matter what he says Fadel just won't believe him. Fadel just continues to disregard Style's wants and needs and predicts a dark future instead: "At first, you will. But you won't always be able to. You're out here, you will meet a whole lot of people." Style, however, can read Fadel pretty well by now and he comes to a realization as Fadel is speaking:

So you're... scared I'll forget you, aren't you? นี่มึง... กลัวกูลืมมึงใช่มั้ย [nîi - mueng... gluua - guu - leum - mueng - châi mái] [interjection] - you... scared - I - forget - you - right? Official subs: Are you… scared of being forgotten?

And I think the original wording is important here again, because the official translation just generalizes it and kind of makes it sound like being forgotten is something that just sort of happens to Fadel in a passive way. But I think the thought that terrifies Fadel the most isn't that he becomes invisible for the world in general, but specifically that the one person that means the most to him in this life will forget him. He's terrified that Style will actively forget him. And Style clocks that, because he's excellent at reading Fadel and directly calls him out on it, giving Fadel no real out, making Fadel face his fear.

Fadel takes a while to reply as he goes through a whole emotional journey first. Style keeps his eyes fixed on him. Then Fadel finally says: "What else can I do? When I'm in there, all I'll do is think… if you forgot me already." Style knew this answer was coming and is quick to reply. He leans forward. "How could I forget you?" No, really, how could Style ever forget Fadel? Style sounds almost a bit offended when he asks this. "You dragged me out of this place. We ran away from gunshots hand in hand. We slept together in the woods and kissed in the ocean." Just like before, there is urgency in Style's voice. What he is saying here is important to him. And there is also a bit of desperation again which grows the longer he speaks. Because in reality, Style is also scared as much as Fadel is. Both of them are scared of losing the other, but in entirely different ways. Fadel is scared that Style will forget him and so he deals with it by preemptively pushing Style away before he can get hurt from Style (potentially) dumping him like Fadel has been dumped before (or so Fadel thought). Fadel deals with it by preemptively locking his heart up again and with that locking Style out of it. And through that he's also the cause of Style's fear. Because Style doesn't want to be pushed out, doesn't want to stand in front of Fadel's locked heart. He wants to stay with Fadel. But when Fadel is in prison for five long years it'll be much harder to pull him out of his downward spiral whenever Fadel starts having doubts again. And Style is terrified of losing Fadel right then and there, just because Fadel is already predicting the worst and is completely disregarding the reality of Style's feelings again. By the end Style's voice is really desperate and stressed when he says:

Experiences like these aren't easy to come by. (lit. "aren't easy to find.") ประสบการณ์แบบนี้มันไม่ได้หาง่ายๆ นะเว้ย [bprà-sòp-gaan - bàep níi - man - mâi dâai - hăa - ngâai ngâai - ná wóiie] experience - like this - it - not - find - easy, easily - [particle] Official subs: Those aren't something I'll have with just anyone.

Style is terrified of losing Fadel, he is hurt that Fadel is completely brushing off Style's feelings and perspective on the matter, and Style is also kind of angry that Fadel is pulling this shit on Style once again. Style is a little done with Fadel constantly dismissing Style's feelings and actions, when Style has proven his loyalty and his feelings time and time again. It is of utmost importance that Fadel really understands and internalizes the fact that Style loves him and will stay by his side no matter what and that Fadel's behavior also affects Style, hurts Style. To really emphasize on his point, Style finishes with a firm and decisive "I can't forget you."

Style's little speech and outburst of emotion really hits Fadel. He takes a bit to respond and when he does, it sounds like there is a lump in his throat. "I'll believe you." Style doesn't immediately respond either. He looks at Fadel for a moment and then takes his hand. "Let's just eat. I'm getting hungry." Style is smiling now, his voice is a little breathless and you can just feel the relief oozing out of him. The relief that Fadel believes him. The relief that Fadel isn't disregarding Style's feelings again. The relief that Fadel isn't breaking up with him.

Style moves to grab his burger, then holds it out to Fadel to feed him. Fadel takes a bite, then feeds Style in return. If the gift of the pin earlier was an engagement, then the mutual burger feeding is the ring exchange. It seals their mutual commitment to each other. Fadel asks if the burger is good and Style replies "I won't ever forget the taste." This isn't about the taste of the burger. It's not about the burger at all. Fadel doesn't reply, but judging by his facial expression, he definitely has another lump in his throat.

I can't tell if it's just the lighting, but to me it kinda looks like Style has some tears in his eyes in these shots?

Might really be just the lighting, though. Fadel, however, definitely teared up from the way his voice sounds when he makes a "mh-hm" sound and the way he sniffs. He takes a bite of the burger and some crumbs get stuck around his mouth. Style reaches over to brush them off, but really, he wipes away a tear. They keep eating. They don't comment on the tears.

Side Quest: First Boyfriend

I find it very interesting that Fadel was revealed to be Style's first boyfriend, especially because @nnnn99999 actually brought this possibility up after only the second episode:

What if Style is not an expert player? In fact, what if Style is not experienced at all? What if Style has been waiting for his one true love all this time? What if Style just wants a man to fall in love with and spend the rest of his life together with?

In her post, @nnnn99999 mostly makes a case of Style not really sleeping around, but I know she explicitly mentioned the possibility of Fadel being Style's first boyfriend, though unfortunately I can't find where exactly she said this right now (@nnnn99999 feel free to send it to me, if you have it at hand 🙏). In episode 4 @secriden also wondered: "Also, a thought that occurred to me - could this be Style's first relationship?" So how do you guys feel about being right? 😂

In her post, @secriden then continues to say "We know from episode 1 that he sleeps around, but there's seemingly no mention of a previous serious/committed relationship so far", but if you've been following my metas you'll know that I'm actually with @nnnn99999 on this one. Especially in the Side Quest section of my ep3 meta I go into detail why I think Style likes to flirt around and loves the attention he gets out of it, but doesn't actually sleep around. Throughout my metas I've also kept emphasizing on the fact that sex matters to Style and that I think Style makes deliberate choices about who he sleeps when he actually does sleep with someone (and Style wanting to make his own choices is also confirmed in episode 5).

Side note: I'm not gonna reiterate everything I've ever said about Style not sleeping around, but if you wanna know my thoughts I recommend you go check out my ep3 meta (section 2 side quest + section 14), my ep6 meta (section 2 side quest), and my ep7 meta (section 1 side quest).

Now with the reveal of Fadel being Style's first boyfriend and with the perspective of "Style is not a player" one could assume that Style might even have been a virgin before meeting Fadel, but my personal headcanon is that Style did go out and experience a bit here and there (maybe as a teenager, for example). It's just, as I've stated many times before, I don't think Style slept around regularly the way that Kant did. We didn't even get a single mention to a past hook-up when it comes to Style, while it did come up with Kant a bunch that he sleeps around. Style, instead, has always been all "I want to find love, I want a boyfriend" from the very beginning: even in the very first scene where we, the audience, meet Style for the first time he already tells Kant: "For real, man. Quit it with your one-night-stands and just get a real lover." Style hasn't even said 10 full sentences in the series at this point (it's his 8th line, depending on how you count them). For those wondering about the original wording, the official translation is roughly what Style says in Thai, but the original wording is a bit softer:

Please, I'm asking you... กูขอเหอะ [guu - kŏh - hùh] I - ask (for), request - [particle] Quit the one-night-stands and find a boyfriend for once. หยุดเสียวระยะสั้น แล้วหาแฟนสักที [yùt - sĭieow - rá-yá sân • láew - hăa - faen - sàk tee] stop - excited, aroused - short-term • and - look for - boyfriend - just once

(Side note: I decided to translate "faen" as "boyfriend" rather than the genderneutral "lover" here, because episode 10 confirmed Kant is strictly into men.)

Just from that alone we can understand that Style puts being in an actual relationship above sleeping around. It's Kant who is introduced as the person who scans the room for his next "victim". In comparison, Style walks up to him and is only focused on that drawing of a car on his phone screen. Style cares more about cars than he does about potential hook-ups (and we'll see just how true that is only a few scenes later when Style basically makes love to Kant's car). Style isn't paying attention to his surroundings at all, because unlike Kant, Style isn't there to look for his next body count. And then he even also complains that Kant is looking around instead of paying attention to Style. It's Kant who claims that Style is a player, but Style responds very skeptically to that claim, clearly disagreeing, the tone of his voice full of disapproval. What Style does then is that he goes attention seeking and showing off his waist, but we never actually see him engage with an actual person. And it's Kant who leaves the scene with a one-night-stand, while Style drives home alone. And even though Style also encourages Kant to go after Bison, he still sighs and makes a comment about how he's "left behind, once again" when Kant walks away from him, which doesn't exactly sound like Style approves of that way of life.

It's Kant from whom we hear things like "I did that to so many people. A taste of my own medicine, I suppose" and "But I stopped doing that since the day I met you." in reference to sleeping around and ditching people in the morning. Bison also explicitly states at one point "I never dated anyone seriously. But the guys I hung out with, like you [Kant], I enjoyed their company", implying that he also isn't a stranger to one-night-stands (and we even got to witness that considering Kant and Bison started out as a one-night-stand where the two of them wouldn't have seen each other again if Captain Christ hadn't happened).

Style, though? We never see him engage in a one-night-stand, nor does he ever make any references to past one-night-stands or people he's been (in bed) with. In fact, the one time he mentions that he had the opportunity to be set up with someone, Style talks about how he actually declined it. Style did not go after the person his dad suggested to him, when that would have been an easy catch. Style is all about "find a boyfriend" and "[Having a boyfriend] is great" and "I want your body and your heart" (The "and heart" is the key part here! Not just the body, but also the heart!). When Fadel wants to ditch him in the storage room in episode 3, Style doesn't like that one bit and even straight up tells Fadel: "What kind of man do you take me for? I might look like I play around, but I'm damn devoted to love. I want to date." And that's the thing. Style says he looks like he plays around. He doesn't say that he is someone who plays around. In fact, he is quite offended by the implication that he's a player which is evident from his question "What kind of man do you take me for?" as well as his annoyed and skeptical tone when he responds to Kant's claims of Style being a player in episode 1. Style is not that kind of man that sleeps with someone and then ditches them. And he'll get offended if you try to imply that he is. And if you do that to him, if you sleep with him and ditch him after, then you will have a problem. That's literally his plot of episode 4.

Style loves romance (as we learn in episode 8 and we see proof of again in the first scene of this very episode) and Style wants to be in a relationship, which to me just makes it more obvious that Style doesn't really sleep around. Because a life of one-night-stands isn't exactly very romantic and it's also the complete opposite of the life with a boyfriend that Style wishes for. And so it's interesting that Style was never in a relationship before Fadel came along. Because Style so clearly wants to be in a relationship, wants to have someone by his side. And in episode 5 we learn that Style wants to choose who he is with for himself, but the reveal that Style has actually never had a boyfriend before Fadel highlights just how picky Style really is. Style dreams of a relationship, but he's not desperate to be in a relationship so that he'd date just anyone. Because if he had been desperate for a relationship, he could have easily gone along with his dads antics of setting his son up with a random mechanic. But Style refused to go along. Because Style is picky about who he is with. And before Fadel, there was no one Style deemed worthy or interesting enough to want to pursue a relationship with them. But Fadel is worthy and interesting enough for Style to want to pursue a relationship with him. And not just that, Style fights tooth and nail to keep this relationship.

No. 12: Torn Apart

The 24 hours are up and the gang meets with Captain Christ for the brother' arrest. Fadel turns to Style for a few words of goodbye, which include: "Don't drive too fast. Don't drive when you've been drinking, and don't be on your phone." This, of course, is a callback to the very first time they met and their very first conversation. I wonder if Style has told Fadel by now that their first few meetings were really a coincidence and actually didn't have anything to do with Kant at all.

Style also has a few words to say to Fadel. Style is concerned and worried about Fadel, but even though they're about to separate, Style is still holding it together at this point. His voice is steady and there aren't any tears in his eyes. Kant and Bison also say their goodbyes and after Captain Christ says "Time to go" and with that Fadel getting ripped away starts to become real, that's when Style makes a pained face and starts to tear up. But he immediately bites his tears back again as he turns to look at Fadel.

It hurts so much, but Style is being so brave about it. However, we can tell that he's very much not okay right now. He sniffs a little when he nods after Bison tells him to take care of Kant. Then Bison tells him to make sure Kant eats properly. Style replies "Mhm. I'll keep an eye on him" and he's smiling, but his breathing betrays him as well as his shaky voice when he goes "Mhm" before he starts speaking. But he's still staying strong. He looks miserable when he looks at Fadel, but he's still holding back the tears. And he keeps holding back his tears while he watches Fadel get arrested and taken away.

When the police car is gone, Kant turns to Style and asks him if he's alright. Style nods and sighs as if he's breathing out all the tension and it looks like he almost smiles a little. But the truth is that as much as he wants to believe he's okay and as much as he thinks he's okay and that he's got this... Style is very much not okay. And it's over the moment they sit down. Style can no longer keep the brave face up.

(Sorry, quick side tangent, but the fact that he's still wearing the Heart Burger pin in this scene absolutely shatters my heart into a million pieces.)

In episode 5 Kant told him "Once those two get arrested, we walk free" and back then Style shook his head because that wasn't how he'd imagined his happy ending. And now it actually happened. Now Fadel got arrested. And it's potentially the worst pain that Style has felt since his mother's death. His loved one got taken away from him again and now Style is breaking. We've seen him cry before, but this time Style is full on sobbing. And it's absolutely devastating to see the one character who's the sunshine of the show, who is the beacon of hope and optimism, who always looks at the bright side of things, who's always happy and cheerful and joking around... it's absolutely devastating to watch this character fall apart like that. And it makes so much sense for Style to finally break. After all, he's human too. And he's been holding it together for so long, especially throughout this entire episode.

Style did get a little upset right after Captain Christ agreed to give them those 24 hours and Fadel did have to comfort him then, but after that Style spent most of the day being happy and cheerful, despite the separation looming over them all day. And I think he put on his happy face partly for himself, because that is how he deals with situations as he himself stated only a few scenes ago, but I think he also partly put on his happy face for Fadel. I think he wanted Fadel to spend his last hours of freedom being happy rather than worrying about Style. And it's also quite interesting that Style holds it together while Fadel is still in front of him and only breaks once Fadel is completely out of sight. Whenever we did see his sadness peak through the happy demeanor, it was usually when Fadel couldn't see it or when Fadel wasn't properly paying attention. I think Style wanted to give Fadel as little reason to worry about him as possible while stuck in prison and unable to reach out and do anything. I think he wanted to send Fadel off to prison with a (mostly) happy image of Style. But the happy image can only last for so long when there is so much pain underneath. And so the moment Style doesn't have to stay strong for somebody else, he breaks under the weight. He falls apart completely and it's the most heartbreaking thing, because this is just not the Style we are used to seeing. And on that joyful note, we get to wait another week for the final episode. Or rather my final meta of this meta series. Because the next episode is already out by the time I'm publishing this. Oops.

(Overview | Ep1+2 | Ep3 | Ep4 | Ep5 | Ep6 | Ep7 | Ep8 | Ep9 | Ep10 | Ep12)

[inkblackorchid]

You mentioned in your last answer that you can never really tell how much you have left to write for Embers because the length keeps getting away from you. Out of curiosity, what to this point would you say is the biggest offender as far as “this ended up longer than I thought”?

I’ve had some duels I’ve written end up longer than I thought because it was just too easy to write banter between each move so the characters hammed up an already long duel but it was too fun to cut, and I’ve also had minor characters I only included to fill out a scene suddenly inspire entirely new subplots because they were so easy and fun to write

Basically, in a simpler way: is the story getting longer because of things being longer in the transition from outline to actual writing, or is it longer because as you are writing you are getting inspired to add more? I know how the creative process tends to look for me and I’m curious what you tend to run into more

My biggest offender for "this got way longer than intended" is the entirety of Fields of Arcadia, lmao. I love that story with all my heart now, but the original idea I had for it was supposed to be one, at most two extra chapters at the end of Be Careful. But the fic completely got away from me because there were a lot of things canon left unaddressed about the Arcadia Movement that I desperately wanted to take a stab at myself, so the ideas kept coming and I kept writing. Then the initial planning stages for Embers began, too, and suddenly, I realised FoA was going to have to set that up, which ended up making it even longer. And now it's kind of a centrepiece of my Aki arc, which. Well! Didn't expect that when I was initially workshopping the idea.

That said, I absolutely relate to the other things you listed, too. Duels especially also have a tendency to get away from me because I love mixing banter and snazzy cardplay descriptions, and before I know it, the chapter is over 20k words.

As for Embers, it's a mix of two things: One is what you mentioned—the story gets longer as it transitions from outline to actual writing, because I love my outlines, but they're never so strict that I don't let the scenes breathe a little longer when I feel like it. Two ties into the first one—where big setpieces and especially action sequences are concerned, I'm a logic freak. I like to set situations up in a way that leaves very little room for questions of how or why. It's a personal preference based on how I interact with literature in my free time. I like it when things make sense. Well, turns out, often, in order to communicate to an audience that can't read my mind why something makes sense, I need to write more scenes for it. Embers is the prime example of this happening over, and over, and over. These are my main two issues with the fic length getting away from me atm. Which is not to say that inspiration doesn't play a role (in stories like FoA it very much did), but this particular story has a solid outline that doesn't feel like there's anything I need to add to it anymore.

So there you go!

[marvelousmop]

Mop's 2024

Another year has passed me by... where does it all go? Who knows. All I know is that I've kept on writing, even when perhaps it wasn't the best idea or when it wasn't what I should've been writing. Let's go over some of that writing, shall we?

WARNING: INANE RAMBLING AHEAD, READ WITH PATIENCE

The Man in Grey's Christmas Carol:

What better way to start off the year than with a very belated Christmas special? But it was belated for a good reason. The Man in Grey's Christmas Carol was an idea I thought up in July of 2023 when Aristide brought up the idea of using the Retconning Crocodiles in a minor way, and trying to figure out a plot to use them in somehow turned into the idea of doing a retelling of A Christmas Carol that gets derailed when the Ghost of Christmas Past learns that this year's Scrooge (our Man in Grey) didn't have a backstory, and so naturally they'd go to the Retconning Crocodiles to give him one.

The resulting story is to date the longest 925 Universe story, and I tried to incorporate as many ideas as I've had in the past about MIG (and some new ones just to mix things up a little), though of course a lot is not on the page. I don't personally want to answer every question about him, and neither does MIG really - as far as he's concerned, his life is what's on his CV.

It also ended up being quite a pivotal story in the 925 Universe, mainly because of the use of licensed DWU elements (really more just me liking the work of my friends and wanting to reference it with their permission) which means the Doctor Who wiki now has a page for a story that was first published on AO3... and that made me realise something. There were over 10 925 Universe stories at this point, and I was still using AO3 - my choice in platform when I specifically assumed this wouldn't be a series, let alone one with a 20k word novella that takes a detour to reference the Wold Newton Meteorite and Paul Shapera. That just wouldn't do...

But first:

The Noodle Man:

Yes, I had a hand in this. Wrote two short vignettes featuring Talbot Molossus (the 925 Universe Character I keep forgetting to use because I don't really have any funny ideas for him) and not the Noodleman (because I didn't really have any funny ideas for him). I was also the one who suggested the title of the anthology, fun fact, though I'm largely not very notable in this varied anthology from some very demented minds. It's also the first appearance of OMSCF!

The Nine-Two-Five Universe Website:

So, in-between writing various stories that haven't been released yet, I was chipping away at the next phase in the 925 Universe's strange evolution - a wordpress blog. I was of course taking lots of notes from The Crew of the Copper Colored Cupids (I even stole the lovely @aristidetwain for the illustrations) though, like any good plagiarist, I tried to change enough words to not get into trouble. For example, while they have a series of concise character bios that directly and effectively tell you about the characters, I...

Okay, so, like many problems, it started with the Man in Grey. I wanted to write a character bio for him, but also I'd just done a Christmas Special giving him this big backstory, and I don't want it to be spoiled for the unfortunate new readers, and also I didn't really want to write it all out again... so I instead opted to just make his bio his CV, which conveyed literal facts while also giving a sense of the character through the medium I used. I though this was fun. Naturally when I wrote Dynamite Thor's bio, I did it mimicking superhero origin stories, and with Jenny I gave her something normal because, well, she's the only normal person here... and that's why the character bios now have all these dumb gimmicks.

Initially I wanted this to all be out by the 2nd Anniversary, but the edits for the earlier stories were becoming more expansive, the character bios took up time, and eventually it became clear that I'd have to stagger the releases through the year, which would also mean I wouldn't be writing many new stories... a shame, but oh well.

Academy 27:

During this time, I also wracked up some more writing credits for the Academy 27 Series (a spinoff of the WARS TCG), with my main contribution being the story "Key Card" - a more thriller-inspired story about Midi being tormented by an evil Janitor robot. I also wrote a scene for an end segment for the story "Stage Blocking" (the one where the actors spend the whole seen fighting against a table with wheels - a very Goes Wrong Show-inspired bit), and I made the thumbnails for "A Kendo Story" and "Jae Hyun Puts on the Moves".

There is another story I contributed to that was meant to go out this year but, due to some Behind the Scenes complications, Academy 27 Season 2 was split, with my last story being in the second half of the second season (now Season 3)... so, look forward to that!

Super Speed Dating:

For a while, I wasn't planning to contribute to Jenny Everywhere Day 2024, just because I really didn't have the time for it... but I did it anyway. Part of it was admittedly because it was a good excuse to draw more eyes to the new 925 Universe Blog, but also it was a story I had been chipping away at for a while anyway, and it was, in-theory, quite short and plotless, so I could just write it out in a week and have it ready.

In-theory.

The story ended up being around 14k words long, partially due to an end segment that kept expanding as the series of aimless skits came together to form a chaotic battle against the very original character of Mike the Merciless. I also just can't shut up.

Also, fun fact - one of the characters in this story is a mean-spirited adult version of Little Orphan Annie (because she's public domain, and why the hell not) and, in a completely unplanned coincidence, this story was released near the 100th anniversary of the character. Leapin' Lizards, indeed.

The Crew of the Copper Colored Cupids Advent Calendar (2024):

So, one cold, November Day, Aristide messaged me asking if I'd like to contribute a vignette to that year's Advent Calendar. Naturally I cautiously agreed to try to write maybe half a story... and then I wrote two. Really, three.

Merriment started off as a thing featuring Acquaintanceship-982 witnessing a scene from the end of a Christmas story and being very confused by it (especially this all-knowing character named "Mother Merriment" who would just be there as if she were a well-known Christmas character that everyone knew about)... that draft went nowhere though, so it got scrapped and replaced with Pythagoras-858 waking up in the small, Christmas-obsessed town you see in dozens of Hallmark Romance movies and slowly realising there's something weird about the citizens. Mother Merriment got carried over to this version, and her role got expanded to be like how many of these movies treat Santa (mainly because I was told not to use Santa).

Doctor Omega got some representation though (along with his two companions) in Doctor Omega's Last Minute, which also went through the sort of wild revisions you only see in a story where it's written very last-minute (it was December by the time I'd started it). At one point, I was planning on doing a parody of the Doctor Who episode "Kerblam!", but I thought it'd be a bit tacky to use the pre-existing 925 Universe parody, Kablamazon, so I replaced it with Argolis (a very timely parody of Argos)... and then I realised that doing a Kerblam! parody in general was a bit tacky, so I scrapped it all, but kept in Argolis as a driving force for the story.

This ended up ballooning to around 8000 words so, when I sent it in, it was suggested that it should be split into two parts. I agreed, partially because it artificially inflated the number of stories I've written for the Cupids, and partially because it gave me an excuse to change the format and introduce Professor Helvetius at an earlier point.

Two Sheep at a Standstill:

Back when I wrote Lawyers and Tigers and Bears, I felt a bit dissatisfied with how Dorothy and Ozma's story concluded. Sure, structurally there wasn't really a place for them to have a resolution, but I still wanted to give them one. That's why, when I was putting together the website, I also started writing "Two Sheep at a Standstill" (at the time "Two Sheep Standing Still in a Field"), a little thing where we see what their life is like outside the courtroom and also they kiss a bit.

This story actually went through more revision than I thought it would, mainly because of Ozma - the story alludes to the character's history quite a bit (of her childhood with Mombi and, more pressingly, her being trans) and, while I knew I was going to tread lightly with these topics, I still wanted to make sure I was not doing anything egregiously bad (and if I failed, I hope someone would tell me). In general with Ozma, I'm really more interested in this almost tragic element to her becoming a Queen - the idea that she was living such a terrible life and then, when she was finally free from it, she was in a position where she had to give so much of her life to others, and at a stage where she maybe wouldn't even be ready for it (don't make children monarchs, it never goes well)... but also, in a way, it shows the ultimate kindness of the character - that she'd surrender so much of her life in spite of what she's gone through.

Dorothy, similarly, is a character I had a lot of fun reimagining for the 925 Universe (there are quite a few Action Dorothies out there that are interchangeable, so I just had fun leaning into her protectiveness that we see in the books), and it was nice to write something where the characters could be happy with eachother, in spite of what they've gone through.

In short: Yay, gay people!

What Now?

As of now (with the exception of "The Rhino Tower"), all 925 Universe stories are up on the website, meaning I'm finally ready to move forward! I've learned at this point to not make strong plans with this series, as it keeps evolving faster than I can keep up with it, but I know that we will have a new story for the 3rd anniversary. I also have various personal projects I'm chipping away at (the Hook Book namely...) and there are stories I worked on this year that should hopefully be released at some point maybe. Who knows.

But anyway... thank you for putting up with all this waffling, and thank you for sticking by me for yet another year! Why did you do that? I don't know.

Thank you to @aristidetwain and @drleevezan, both of whom have been massively helpful to me this year (especially Aristide, who's done more illustrations for me than I'd ever reasonably ask of him, including many for character bios that haven't even been written yet), and thank you to @tardistogongen for enabling so many opportunities for me and others to write many stories.

I'd also like to give a shoutout to some fabulous new creative projects, headed by lovely people:

The Land of Elcarim - A series by @ranmagender that, much like the 925 Universe, features extensive crossovers from various public domain and open source characters (including some you might recognise from my work), but with a more metafictional approach that's very fun to read.

The Cheshire House - A repository for short stories by various authors set in and around the same universe. It features many people I've written with for Arcbeatle Press, and generally fits into the same Doctor Who-adjacent niche (though to call it a Doctor Who spinoff is to diminish the vast creativity that goes into this series).

And let's all, to the best of our abilities, survive 2025.

[yearoftheflop]

Hi! Been rereading "Extraordinary shift in Climate" because your mind is amazing and I know there's a million little hidden details and explanations to ask for your director's cut! And there is! So much imagery and interesting internal monologue to choose from, but since I'm such a sucker for listening to other characters discuss the ships I like, I'd love to hear about these lines:

“Did you find somebody else?” Damon and his ability to read him like an open book doesn’t miss.

“I don’t know,” he presses his head into the pillow, “I just— It feels different, it’s not the same…as being with you.” He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling Damon’s hand caress the side of his face, tucking some loose hair strands behind his ear.

“He plays in a band,” he mumbles out of nowhere.

“That’s all?” Damon can’t help an amused huff.

“Yeah.” There’s too much to tell and not enough words to start with.

Thank you!! ❤️

aaaaaw, thank you so much 😭❤️

mmmm, first of all, I think Damkris and Bokris in esic are fundamentally different types of connections. What Kris gets to experience with Damon, he probably won't be able to feel with anyone else. But. Well, Damon is older, so more experienced, and perceptive by nature, so I think it wouldn't be a long shot for him to know they were on borrowed time from the start and wonder at the end if Kris moved on to another person already. 

At this point Kris is still having trouble articulating his feelings regarding Bojan, we see him almost wanting to brush it off at first but with Damon, he feels safe, understood and seen, so he makes a first step in admitting it out loud - Damon turned out to be the person he could talk about anything. “It feels different, not the same…as being with you,” Kris says it for Damon and for himself, taking apart his feelings. With Bojan, there's history, a threat of ruining their careers, a need to come out - with Damon, none of that was a concern. 

"He plays in a band" is a childlike response when you get frustrated from not understanding your desires or inability to communicate them. Even now Damon is being gentle and providing support, and I imagine Kris is feeling quite torn. Kris doesn't know how to pick one thing to describe the whole Bojan experience and also not to outright say Hey, Damon, I think I've been in love with Bojan forever -  he wouldn’t want Damon to know at that exact moment because he wouldn't want Damon to think he was ever disingenuous with him, that he mattered less, etc. 

I think Damon might suspect that something lgbt is going on between these two babes, yet finds himself surprised at such a simple line and gets it (that Kris is just in the process of figuring stuff out). He finds it endearing. Maybe it also reminds him of the age/lifestyle differences between them. In any case, I think he'd make a wise decision to step away from trying to pry into their relationship for the sake of keeping his own heart in peace. 

“There’s too much to tell and not enough words to start with.” Well, it took what? 20k words for them to kiss there’s no way Kris can come up with a neat explanation for this larger-than-life love using only his English vocabulary for the man he’s sort of breaking up with... Oh man, diva was truly down for most of the story xo xo

[duhragonball]

Nanwum Schemin'

I finished my August writing challenge tonight, and I'm pleased to say that I managed to hit 20,000 words and that's actually enough to cover this year's Christmas special. I tried this last year, but I only wrote 15k in September, and Red Christmas ended up being 32k long, so I wound up writing more than half of it in December anyway. This time, I took that into account, which is why I used August instead. I figured if Blue Christmas ran long, I'd be able to use September to finish it off, but it looks like I managed to fit the entire plot in 20k, so that's satisfying. I need a little more to finish the ending, and there's some stuff I'll want to add and take out, but overall, I have a working first draft that I can have ready for AO3 without much trouble.

I still have to figure out what the hell Yellow Christmas will be about. I saved that one for last, since yellow is the Luffa color, but I think I've used up all the good fanfic AU tropes by now, so I'm gonna have to get creative. But that's a problem for 2024, and I'm here to talk about the fall of 2023.

Concerning the Apocrypha Liveblog, I plan on wrapping up some loose ends in September. Super Dragon Ball Heroes episode 50 came out last week, so I can write about how the Aeos arc (we won!). I also want to knock out the DBS movies, and I think the DBS Manga will probably be done with their Super Hero adaptation, so I'm penciling that in as well. Whatever's left over I can deal with in October or later.

November is NanoWriMo season, and this will be my 7th entry in the event. I don't count my ill-fated attempt in 2003, since I never logged it with the website, and I had no idea what I was doing and flamed out by the second or third day. But I've been doing these since 2017 and I've been racking up wins ever since. I'm feeling confident at the moment, so I'm going to try to set some goals for myself, which I'll put under the cut.

Looking back at my past runs, I've had some good years and some difficult ones where I didn't reach the 50k goal until Day 29 or 30. I always find it more satisfying to finish early if I can. My preference is to have things wrapped up by Day 20, so I can write more stuff in the overrun, or start editing and posting, or just slack off for the next ten days. It's always enjoyable, so I think I need to make this a priority.

For a number of years, my objective was to boost word count and reach certain milestones in the Luffa storyline, but I passed one million words last year, and this year I've nearly finished the Xenoverse 1 adaptation, so things are a little different. I think I can afford to think about how to improve productivity, rather than how to hit certain plot points. So we'll aim for that.

Currently, my earliest win date is Day 17, which I pulled off back in 2021. So I'm going to try to hit 50k on or before Day 16. Here's how.

This month, I learned I can get more done by breaking up my large word goals in to 500 word chunks. To finish by Day 16, I'll need to average about 3000 words a day, which is something I've always struggled to do consistently, but now, I think I can make that work. The idea is to devote six hours across a day, where I write 500 words in each of those hours. It really seemed to help me out this month, so it's time to see if that technique can push me further.

One other thing I want to try is to break my personal record for one-day writing totals. Currently, that stands at 7023 words. So I've chosen three days where I can attempt to do that. I'd like to do more than jut hit 7024, though. 9001 would be pretty sweet for the meme value, but it sounds really daunting.

The important thing here is that I give myself permission to fail. If I can't maintain 3k per day, that's fine, because even falling short of that goal still makes good progress. If I can't make it to 7k or beyond, that's fine too, because wherever I land, it's still a lot of progress. And if I'm not done by Day 16 it's fine, because I'll have two weeks left.

But I think I can do this. The rewards would be sweet. AEW Full Gear is on the 18th, and it'd be pretty great to just have a lazy Saturday where I watch that instead of writing. NJPW will probably run their World Tag League shows between November 15 and December 15, so I'd have the whole second half of November freed up. And mostly, I like the precedent it would set if I could consistently land 3k in six hours or less. I feel like that's something I need to prove to myself.

If this is going to work, I need to do some solid plotting in October so I'm ready. I do reasonably well with "they fight" as a prompt, but if I have a list of spots and story beats to work with, that would cut down on the indecision that usually holds me back.

[showrunnerihardlyknowher]

Initially, I deleted this ask after I read it, because I am of the internet belief that not everything needs to be publicly posted/responded to as that only invites in inbox debates. But then I started thinking more about what was said, and I started getting annoyed again, so let me start by saying this: This is the one and only ask about the topic that I will reply to with an actual answer. For now, I'm still heated, and I have things to say.

Her psychological consequences mean nothing to me. Where was this concern for people's psychological wellbeing when it came to unicornofgt watching their work get stolen and watered down before their own eyes and flaring up their physical ailments? For bolshoycorvid who was ignored and cast aside, whose characters were cut out of the loop despite making up half of the story? For the friends who could only sit and let our friends vent to us about the growing distress and anxiety they felt in dealing with the drama and its eventual fallout? For the mutuals and fans who lost a great series and several great content creators as a result?

She drastically reduced posting -- Bestie, my friends had to stop posting entirely because they only out they could see from this hot mess was by abandoning their blogs and everything with it!! They lost their stories and characters, they lost internet friends and fans, they lost their passions for the craft and the desire to share anything publicly again lest they be belittled for feeling bitter about it being ruined for them. Not to mention, when she does post, she's still posting to 20K+ followers that were gained due to her actions at the expense of unicornofgt and bolshoycorvid.

And yeah, that post was mean and angry. And yeah, this post is also mean and angry. Because!! I'm angry!! I'm not going to sugarcoat anything that I'm feeling just for someone who doesn't want to lie in the bed she made!!

Do I want abuse to happen to her? No. Do I want anyone to hurt her, including herself? No. If I thought she was capable of being held accountable for her actions and face whatever consequences, then that would have already happened when this mess first came to light. But the fact of the matter is that it wasn't, and that's what I'm upset about, because it was instead conveniently forgotten by everyone and it feels like I'm the only one left who still feels upset about this. People were already far more considerate for her feelings than for the feelings of those who were affected twice as severely

Ideally, the consequence would be she loses the clout she stole from unicornofgt and bolshoycorvid, that they and our other mutuals never had to leave, that GTMS could pick up where it left off to everyone's open arms without anything tainting its past. But it can't. It never will. So realistically, the only consequence I can hope for is people will see the other side of the story and remember everything that was lost in a matter of months.

Not to mention, blindly supporting her, reassuring her that she did nothing wrong, insisting their was equal faults on both sides; all that does is prevent her from learning any lesson from what's happened. It shows she can do what she wants, have an entire series prematurely ended and creators leave in droves, say a simple sorry, and then move on with her life and popularity. And what happens to everyone else? Forgotten. Blamed. Their joy of creativity killed. Their desire to share another idea gone. Really, who am I going to be more sorry for here?

[vampyrolesbos]

Hello? You have my full undivided attention? Say more about this book you are writing please?

YES THANK YOU I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS

The short of it is, a lesbian couple moves to a small California mining town because one of them wants to be closer to her parents, but she gets sucked into the church(cult) they took her to as a kid and goes missing, so her gf is left alone in their old fixer upper house trying to find out what happened to her while having hallucinations/dreams about her and being stalked by the pastor

MORE INDEPTH ( trigger warnings for racism, one mc is a free woman but her husband is a slave, drugs sort of, sexual assault attempt. Its a rough horror, sorry) it alternates perspective between modern times and the gold rush era with the modern Mc, Rose, and the past Mc, Cela who is a black woman and the wife of a freed slave who both work for a local mining camp. Gold rush Era, a pastor travels west to bring christ to a growing community and shacks up with the mining camp to preach in exchange for food and board. Against the warning of the miners and the local mi-wuk people, he enters a strange cave system and finds mushrooms that give him "visions of god" and also conditional immortality, with the condition being spreading the spores to more people and murder. Cela witnesses the sacrifice of her husband and is inducted into the immortal mushroom cult against her will, but she escapes with some and ends up in hiding, alone and immortal and wanting revenge.

Modern day, Rose and her gf Lacey have moved back to a slowly dying mining town that Lacey grew up in because she missed the rural life and wanted to be with her parents. They get a cheap fixer upper house, an otherwise nice colonial two story that is absolutely falling apart, with a detached suit that the gardener from the last owner lives in. Laceys parents pester her to go back to church, and shortly after, she goes missing, but nobody in town really seems to try looking for her, which pisses Rose off, but she starts "hallucinating" and having visions/nightmares that make her concerned about her health.

During the alternating perspectives, you learn that the gardener is Cela, who has been trying to find a way to destroy the mushroom cult, that the pastor from the past and the one in the present are the same man, that Laceys parents willingly offered her as a sacrifice because the pastor wanted to use her body as a living host for the spores so that they could speak directly to him, essentially turning her into mushroom jesus, and she has been using the spores that have basically saturated her house to communicate with Rose, except she's kind of been driven a smidge mad by holy revelation because the pastors idea is working sort of, but not how he wanted it to

Eventually Rose and Cela team up because Cela doesn't want Rose to lose her love like she did. They find Lacey in a secret basement under the house which connects to under the church and the mushroom caves in a system the cult carved out to do evil stuff in, pastor gives his evil speech about God and mushrooms and immortality and tries to assault Rose because he's a pos, which awakens Lacey, and she and Cela kill the pastor by burning him alive and since he was sort of the "head" it ends the immortality for the cult, which Cela feels and starts crying with relief. Rose is worried about Lacey being mushroom Jesus but Lacey says some mystic shit because she's mushroom Jesus and her brain is fried and they kiss and in the ending Rose feels the spores enter her body.

I love the ideas of fungus as a sentient entity and divinity being horrific love and grief and revenge and the effect christianity had on racism and haunted houses and houses that arent haunted but have a fungal problem which is basically the same thing and dreams being messages and burning the church to the ground and loving your gf even if she's mushroom Jesus and makes you insane and immortal

Any questions

I'm like 20k words in rn and it's not near finished

[astrobei]

Also any other fanfic writing tips? Do you have thoughts on chaptered fics vs longer one-shots? Do you ever struggle with characters feeling ooc?

I'm working my way up to finishing a couple WIPs and am very very nervous about posting them on ao3 😬😬

ooshdjsfh i think it’s funny when ppl ask me for writing advice bc i am a Mess but i will try my hardest to be helpful w this!

for the first bit, personally i’m a fan of oneshots, both writing and reading (there are exceptions for both ofc!!) just because i usually don’t have the attention span to write or read chaptered fics unless they’re finished and under 5 chapters ! but both of my chaptered fics are/were chaptered literally because i wrote too much to make it a oneshot without it feeling kind of clunky and awkward LOL i don’t usually write fics with big fleshed out plots anyway, and it’s more like a general storyline with a focus on individual scenes instead of the overarching plot, so i’ll write it all in one go! and i always write more than i think i will, so stories i plan to be like 10-15k ALWAYS end up at least 20k somehow 😭 personally i just rly appreciate when chaptered fics are consistent w uploading (as much as possible for the author) because it’s really hard for me to commit otherwise, which is why i don’t rly write them myself!!

and Oh My God anon,, i struggle CONSTANTLY w characters feelings ooc im always so concerned w my mike especially, since so much of s3 and 4 was more will pov and we didn’t get as much of an insight into mike’s internal struggles and thoughts like we did with will (the castle byers scene, van scene, jonathan talk, etc) so i’m always worried that the way i interpret him is not the same way that others might! and characters like lucas and dustin and max are easier since their povs in the show have stayed pretty consistent since their first appearances, and even will is easier for me to write (although i prefer mike which is pretty obvious maybe LOL) but mike Stresses Me Out a lot,, whew !!

if ur having trouble w that my advice (or at least what i do, take it w a grain of salt siskfjsjf) is think whether or not u could imagine this character saying that in the show. like, if this dialogue was added to a scene would it feel weird and out of place? do they usually use words like that? are there words used in the show specific to this character? (e.g: robin with “dingus”) i do take a lot of creative liberty w characters like mike and will especially when writing fluff fics, since so much of s4 and the end of s3 has been Sad and we haven’t gotten much humorous interaction from them, but i always try to ask myself if it’s true to their dynamic. like, mike would never ever pull off being suave and cool (except maybe in will’s unreliable narrator pov) because he gets flustered and is kind of an idiot and will is canonically a little bitchy and a little snarky and one of the only people who can put mike in his place so .

and thinking abt their motivations and Why they act/think the way they do: in byler’s case for example, will is selfless to a fault where he keeps putting other people before him, he’s so scared of his own needs making him selfish or a bad person that he often backpedals too far trying to amend that (s4!!) but he gets frustrated pretty easily (he’s the one that’s Started both of the infamous byler fights, the one that blows up first) and isn’t afraid to call mike out on things !! vs mike who tries really really hard, and has so much love for the people in his life but he’s inexperienced in it and doesn’t know how to show it in the way they want (saying ily to el, being a good friend to will) and a lot of his own inner monologue being fueled by the fear that the people in his life don’t need him anymore and yk . stuff like that . idk i just think abt these things a lot when i write!

anyways i am not qualified in the slightest to give any of this advice so FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS !! but anon if u ever end up publishing those wips (pls do) PLEASE don’t hesitate to drop me a link i’d love to check them out! posting fics can be rly scary but my advice would be to have as much fun with it as u can! play around w tropes and dialogue and writing styles and povs as much as u want. it can be easy to get caught up in writing what u think ppl want to read or thinking u Have to write smth bc someone asked for it but literally just write whatever u want (that’s like . not insane and awful for obvious reasons) and enjoy urself!!

hope this helped !! <3

[whateverthedragonswant]

Your mind......I feel like my third eye opens whenever I read your 9-1-1 metas. Idek what I want you to analyze, but will you fixate on another aspect of buddie for 20k words so I can read it? Thank you 🙏🏽❤️

(actually I lied! I have ideas! What's ur take on the whole Christopher is the universe thing? Or any related matter? I actually don't care what the topic is I just want you to monologue @ me)

Oh my goodness, @kitkatpancakestack you're making me squee over here, thank you so much, you are so kind!!! <3

Absolutely, my friend! I'm not sure if this is related completely to that topic but maybe it is? I've been focusing a lot lately on the Eddie/Shannon parallels with Buddie.

One of the things I love to look at is the grocery store scene. There is so many things just in this few minutes alone that absolutely drives me bananas but also helps make this connection to Shannon and her role in Eddie's life.

First we have Eddie and Lena talking about the guy he fought in the parking lot dropping the charges against him. And before that scene ends at the deli counter, Lena says "But not letting it go. 'Cause that's healthy" as she picks up something to presumably throw in the cart. It cuts to the scene where Hen and Chim are doing their own shop and not only does she throw something in the cart, she says "I just think Bobby needs to let go of being pissed at Buck." Bobby is a definite parallel for Eddie so this little connection they're making doesn't surprise me. We already know Eddie is pissed at Buck. I don't think before this scene we knew exactly how much, but we knew he wasn't happy with him. And surprisingly, regardless of Buck's frosty reception when he comes back in the Halloween episode, Hen and Chimney are not as pissed at Buck as Bobby and Eddie are. And with Bobby, yes he's angry, but we find out it's more out of concern for the 118 and Buck himself. So it didn't shock me at all when Chim said this to Hen: "What do you think this whole shopping trip is about?" Bobby's using this "mission" as a distraction, like Chim says. And sure enough, Hen says "Buck" and Chim goes "Right" and then of course, we see Buck appear. But what kills me here is that we literally just transitioned from the scene with Eddie and Lena discussing what got him thrown in jail in the first place, something Buck later says to Eddie with "Do you think maybe you were throwing your punches at the wrong guy?" -> which to me, clearly connects that the fight in the parking lot happened because of Christopher (and how he feels dropping him off), how Eddie's been feeling lately, and Buck. Because things are happening that he can't control. So while I wouldn't characterize the fight in the parking lot as a distraction, I think they're really hinting here that the issue is running deeper for Eddie and some of it, if not all, is related to Buck.

Then we have the that happens in the store. As Buck apologizes, Hen and Chim are dubious at best, Lena is quietly observing and wisely staying out of it since it has nothing to do with her, and before Bobby can say a word at all, Eddie speaks up. "Yeah, what'd you think was gonna happen?" And then they show Bobby's reaction to this line. It almost appears as if Eddie is speaking for both of them here. But then it quickly becomes about Eddie and Buck and no longer about Bobby and the firefam, even showcased by the two cars crashing into each other outside while this confrontation happens. Eddie's line even takes Buck by surprise, he didn't anticipate the level of anger Eddie had at him for this particular situation. "Why are you so pissed at me?" "Because you're exhausting!" Eddie takes a step closer which amps up the tension of the confrontation, saying "We all have our own problems but you don't see us whining about it. No, we somehow just manage to suck it up. Why can't you?" *first crash sound* -> So I think there's a lot going on here just in this first few lines: 1) Eddie is pissed because he's tired of Buck saying the poor me's (something he's tried to get Buck past just a few episodes earlier when dropping Christopher off with him "He never feels sorry for himself"), 2) Buck put the firefam in jeopardy including Bobby and himself, and 3) Buck told his lawyer personal things that could be used against them. I hope you don't mind me breaking it all down like this but I just feel like there's so much buried here in the layers.

1) Yes, Buck has been feeling sorry for himself but what kills me is that Eddie knows Buck doesn't always do this. Does he do it an awful lot? Sure. But not all the time. And what happened with the tsunami proved that. Buck didn't think about himself for one second, even when he was hurt and on blood thinners. As a matter of fact, the whole reason Christopher fell back into the water is because Buck was trying to help people when the wave started to recede. Buck's full focus was Christopher and helping as many people as he could. When Christopher disappears, he is Buck's pure focus, ignoring his injuries, the blood thinners, his own safety, etc. My point being Eddie absolutely knows that Buck, while he might be feeling sorry for himself in this situation, that is not who Buck is when it comes to what matters, including Christopher. Eddie even cemented it with the lines "There's nobody in this world I trust my son with more than you" and "Thank you for not giving up" and "I love him enough to never stop trying. And I know you do, too." So, while this line might be part of Eddie's anger with him, it's not the full issue. It's because Buck couldn't see past feeling sorry for himself, that he did the lawsuit which initiated no contact, which means he couldn't talk to or see anyone from the 118, including Eddie, which of course means no Christopher. "You know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You're not around." Buck literally didn't think of it and he confirms that with the line of "I didn't realize that. Maybe I can come and visit Christopher. You know, the lawsuit doesn't prevent that." *guy yelling in the background at the other guy* The fact that Buck says this should be reassuring (and also frustrating if I'm being honest, because Buck should have realized that earlier or thought it through before initiating the lawsuit but at least he's proposing a solution, but I can see how this would frustrate Eddie more) but it's not because while Christopher is the main issue in this second, it's only half of it. But, regardless, if that's all Eddie's aim was: to get Buck to not abandon Christopher, he reached it. He can still be angry, but ultimately, he reached his goal. But the confrontation continues because that's not all it's about, it's about Eddie himself as well. And sure enough: "No, it prevents me from reaching out to you. I couldn't even call you to bail me out jail...if that was something that happened." *in the background, while there's silence between them as the 118 processes what Eddie just said & Eddie realizes the 118 is still around them before he finishes the line, we can hear the guys in the parking lot yelling at each other "You took my spot!" which is deja vu of Eddie's fight that he ended up getting arrested for* Buck is still all kinds of confused here, "What are you talking about? Look, man, why can't you see my side of this?" Eddie takes a step closer, which amps up tension even more "'Cause that's all you see!" *second crash sound that distracts them which breaks up the confrontation* and there it is. The other half of the issue: Buck in feeling sorry for himself and choosing to do the lawsuit, didn't see any other side but his. He didn't see Eddie's side or Christopher's or Bobby's or anyone else's. Only his. Which in this moment almost makes Buck look like he doesn't have the ability and that is what is getting under Eddie's skin when it comes to him. Buck didn't think for a second about what taking this action could mean for Eddie who has started to rely on him, and for Christopher who has also come to rely on him. Instead, he did what he thought he had to do but he never stopped for a second to think about what that could mean for these two who started to think they could depend on him. Instead, the rug was ripped out from beneath them with the lawsuit and the no contact rule.

2) What Buck doesn't realize and I think they cemented this later with Eddie saying to Buck "When you filed the lawsuit, did you ever think about what that could do to us?" I know a lot of people think this line is about Eddie and Christopher, or Eddie and Buck themselves, or them as a family, and while I agree with all of those takes, I want to take it a step further. Had Bobby suffered the fallout from the lawsuit, there's a good chance he may have been fired or suspended or even transferred. How would that affect the 118 firefam going forward? We already saw that there can be captains that aren't like Bobby at all, don't share his temperament, like in Chim's and Hen's centric-episodes in season 2. What if another captain came on the scene and didn't have the patience and understanding that Bobby did? What if something happened with Christopher, an emergency, and Eddie was told that he couldn't leave because they were on scene of another emergency? What if he did leave anyway (because we know he would) and that cost him his job? What if by losing that job, that puts his house, Christopher's school, and Christopher's care at risk? What if he wasn't able to get care for Christopher because let's say Carla is out of state, Abuela is sick, and Pepa has to work? What if this new captain wasn't so understanding? What if there were no more family dinners? What if the family they chose as Eddie himself said is broken up? What if this new captain chooses to transfer one of them to another house because maybe they made a mistake or they're not getting along or something? And of course, this isn't exclusive to Eddie. I'm sure Bobby himself has thought of this, Hen, Chim... But the difference is, Hen and Chim are not emotionally affected by it. They can even see Buck's side in a way though they're not happy with the situation. Chim even speaks up in Buck's defense a little with: "That's kind of harsh. It's not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck." (which Eddie knows since he was there with them, helping Buck) Bobby and Eddie are emotionally affected, because not only does this affect their relationship with Buck, but it also can have negative consequences that can affect them personally and professionally. Hen and Chim weren't targets in the deposition, not in the same way that Bobby was. Their instances were used to make a point. Eddie wasn't a target, either, but it still affects him, especially since Shannon's death and his grieving were also used by Buck's lawyer to make a point. ("The lawsuit's bad enough but you told your lawyer everything about us...personal things") So while I get that that stings, if anything, Bobby should have been the one to yell at Buck; after all, he was the one Buck was suing personally besides the city, even after Bobby gave him another chance back in season 1, when Bobby has been there for him through good and bad. I almost feel as if Bobby has had angrier confrontations with Athena and Chim (outside of the pilot episode) than he does with Buck in the series. Bobby may be just as angry as Eddie but he's showing it in a quieter way so to speak, but he does have the right to confront Buck in that grocery store, too. But no, it's Eddie that is the "powder keg" that starts going off about this situation. Because it all comes back to him and what the ripple effects of Buck's decision could mean for him and Christopher.

3) Going back to Eddie's line "The lawsuit's bad enough but you told your lawyer everything about us...personal things" - this is also what bothers Eddie the most besides how Buck's decision affected and could still affect him and Christopher. And the personal thing that Buck chose to share that the lawyer then chose to use in his attack on Bobby, the 118, and the city was Shannon's death and how Bobby didn't keep him from going back to work for a time so he could grieve his wife's death. Bobby never questioned Eddie's mental state or his ability to do the job. That's the point the lawyer was trying to make. But to Eddie, it's a betrayal of sorts. Eddie isn't the type to keep sharing his feelings with everyone, and I'm wiling to bet that he started to feel more comfortable and like he could relax slightly when settling into the 118 firefam and with his relationship with Buck. Now, not only is that possibly threatened to be taken away or broken up, but Buck has also been taken away in a way, by Buck's own hand. Just a few episodes before, he jokingly says to Buck: "I will say, honestly, you being laid up is working out for me. You're no Abuela, and half of Carla, but you'll do in a pinch." But ultimately, he started to rely on Buck physically (with Christopher's care), and emotionally. For Buck to have told the lawyer about Shannon's death, which is already a raw nerve for him, that had to feel like the ultimate betrayal. And if we're looking at it through this lens, his angry reaction absolutely makes sense. His dialogue makes even more sense. This is the same episode where Eddie is feeling alone, being left alone is maybe a better way to say it, and he's starting to get overwhelmed. Which is why I think the fighting happens later on in the episode and continues until he stops. It's an outlet that Lena showed him he could use to vent all of his frustrations, all of his stress, all of his anger, everything. Because while Buck may have abandonment issues, so does Eddie.

Which then brings me right to why this grocery store scene and Eddie's reaction to Buck coming back to the 118 is so important. Eddie/Shannon is absolutely paralleled with Eddie and Buck, just as much as Buck/Abby, even Eddie and Buck separately as characters with each other. And here's how:

2x01 -

Eddie: "You're a badass under pressure. You can have my back anyday."

Buck: "Or, you know, you could have mine."

2x07 -

Eddie: “What did you need that I didn’t give you?”

Shannon: “You! I needed a husband and a co-parent.” “I needed someone to have my back.”

Eddie: “I always had your back.”

—

2x07 -

Eddie: “You left. I understood. I tried to. I mean, you were taking care of your mother and I was trying to take care of Christopher. And we, we just drifted further away from each other. But I always thought you’d come home.”

Eddie: “I guess I need to know why.”

Shannon: “I didn’t know how. The longer I was gone the harder it was to come back. To face you. To face Christopher.” “So I did all this research finding new treatments and different therapies but it was all so still overwhelming and exhausting and I just...needed a break.”

3x18 -

Abby: "I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I actually wanted to talk to you about everything while I was in town."

Buck: "That's what you're sorry for? When did you know that you were leaving for me good?"

Abby: "Well..."

Buck: "Was it Morocco, or Paris, or Dublin? Or did you know when we were at the airport and I was kissing you goodbye, promising you that I would wait for you? Did you know then that you were never coming back to me?"

Abby: "I thought I would. Look, I was a person whose life revolved around other everybody else's problems. I had no identity other than the people I was helping. My 911 calls, my dying mother. I just had no sense of self. I had to leave everything that I knew so I could remember who I actually am."

Buck: "And you did. I mean, you did remember. You still didn't come home."

Abby: "Yeah, I know. I think that I was afraid if I came back I would become that person again. Because I missed you, I wanted to see you, but I didn't trust myself."

Buck: "Because being here, being with me, you might lose yourself again."

Abby: "Yeah."

—

2x07 -

Eddie: “Christopher loves you and he misses you. I miss you.”

3x05 -

Eddie: "You know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You're not around."

Buck: "I didn't realize that. Maybe I can come and visit Christopher. You know, the lawsuit doesn't prevent that."

Eddie: "No, it prevents me from reaching out to you. I couldn't even call you to bail me out jail...if that was something that happened."

—

2x10 -

Eddie: "You know, he still won't tell me what he wants for Christmas. I tried everything."

Shannon: "Did you take him to see Santa?"

*Buck goes with Eddie and Christopher to see Santa and we get the writers' joke/nod scene to fans of "You two have an adorable son"*

—

3x05 -

Buck: "Why are you so pissed at me?"

Eddie: "Because you're exhausting! We all have our own problems but you don't see us whining about it. No, we somehow just manage to suck it up. Why can't you?"

3x15 -

Shannon: "I don't need a provider. I need a partner. You don't know what it's been like with this alone."

Eddie: "You're not the only one that feels alone."

—

3x15 -

Buck: "Can we give him just a little more time?"

3x15 -

Eddie: "Can I maybe just get a little damn time?"

Shannon: "Yeah, yeah. Take all the time you need."

—

3x09 -

Eddie: "So she shoots him and then takes him back?"

Buck: "Yeah."

Eddie: "And I thought my marriage was complicated."

2x10 -

Eddie: "You keep looking to me like I have the answers. I don't."

Shannon: "No, just the power. I'm the one who screwed up. I'm the one who left. I know I don't get to have a say. So I'm following your lead. But where are we going? When will you able to forgive me?"

Eddie: "I can forgive you. I'm just not sure I can trust you."

3x06 -

Eddie: "I don't know what you want from me, Buck. Forgive, forget, make you feel better about what you did?"

Buck: "I just want you to talk to me. Even if it's just to say that you're still mad."

Eddie: "I'm not mad. I'm... When you decided to sue the department, to make Cap the bad guy, did you ever to think for a minute what that could do to us?"

3x15 -

Shannon: "You keep saying that you didn't have a choice. But you're the one that keeps making these choices for the rest of us."

3x06 -

Buck: "I just needed my job back. I missed being here, missed being part of a team. I never meant for anyone to get hurt."

Eddie: "A lot of I's in there. Your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. That's what it means to be a part of a team."

Buck: "And I really am sorry. So whatever it takes for you to forgive me--"

Eddie: "I forgive you. Also what it means to be part of a team. This... Just don't go it again."

—

2x17 -

Eddie: "He loves having you around. We both do."

Shannon: "Eddie. What are we doing?"

Eddie: "What do you mean?"

Shannon: "I need to know what you want."

Eddie: "I want this. I want to have a nice day on the beach with my son and his mother."

Shannon: "Okay. So, is that what I am to you? Christopher's mother?"

4x13 -

Carla: “Christopher seems good. I know you were worried about him.”

Eddie: “He’s, uh, doing a lot better. Almost back to his old happy self. And he loves having Ana around.”

Carla: “What about Dad? How does he feel about the young Miss Flores?”

Eddie: “It’s nice. It’s, uh, easy being with her.”

—

2x10 -

Buck: "And now she wants back in his life?"

Eddie: "Yeah."

Buck: "So why don't you let her? It seems like she's already back in yours."

Eddie: "That's what's got me confused. Am I doing it for Christopher or for me?"

4x13 -

Carla: "Ana is lovely and I'm glad that you’re finally moving on. But just be sure that you're following your heart, not Christopher's, okay?"

—

3x15 -

Eddie: "No matter what happens, I'm always going to fight to come home to my family."

4x08 -

Ana: "Maybe this is all a little too fast."

Eddie: "What do you mean? Us?"

Ana: "Christopher's already been through so much. I don't want to cause him any more pain. If we need to take a break, I’ll understand. I--"

Eddie: "Hold on, he and I can figure this out. In the meantime, I don't want you going anywhere. Got that?"

4x14 -

Buck: "I mean, he has grandparents. Other family."

Eddie: "After Shannon left, they all tried to guilt me into giving Christopher to them. But it's not what I wanted then, it's not what I want now."

Buck: "If it came to that, wouldn't they fight for him?"

Eddie: "I don't know. Maybe. Probably. But no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him."

—

3x15 -

Eddie: "No, no. Christopher's priority right now. You should stay home with him."

Shannon: "So should you. We need you here. I cannot do this without you."

3x05 -

Buck: "What are you talking about? Look, man, why can't you see my side of this?"

Eddie: "'Cause that's all you see!"

—

3x16 -

Maddie: "He didn't have me. I know that I left you twice. Once with Mom and Dad, and once when things got rough with Doug, but I came back. Because you're my brother. I love you."

Buck: "I love you, too."

Maddie: "You are never gonna be left behind. Okay? No matter what."

Buck: "You promise?"

Maddie: "I promise."

3x08 -

Eddie: "It's nothing. I'm fine. I just needed a place to let off some steam and things got a little out of--"

Bobby: "Control? That's what this is about, right? You're the guy who always keeps it together no matter what life throws at you. You shake it off, keep moving."

Eddie: "Lots of people have it worse."

Bobby: "Eddie, I just want to make sure you don't think you have to lose everything before you can allow yourself to feel anything."

Eddie: "Christopher needs me to be in control. I'm the only parent he's got left and I can't let him down again."

Bobby: "When did you let him down before?"

Eddie: "When did I not let him down? I wasn't there when he was a baby. Stayed away too long and it broke his mother. Shannon ran away. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't bring her back home. So I brought him here and let her back into his life."

Bobby: "That's what Christopher wanted."

Eddie: "Yeah, but I knew better. She already left once, broke his heart. I was so afraid she was gonna do it again. She did."

Bobby: "She died, Eddie."

Eddie: "Yeah, after she told me she wanted-- A divorce. And I'm...I'm still mad. How stupid is that? I'm angry at a dead person and myself. Because I forgave her. For everything. And it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough."

3x16 -

Maddie: "So you don't think this business with Red isn't hitting a little close to home? A lonely firefighter hero who's pining for his lost love?"

Buck: "That's ridiculous. You think I'm lonely?"

Maddie: "I think you tried dating a few times after Abby left."

Buck: "Which did not work out."

Maddie: "So you just stopped trying? Look, I know how hard this is."

Buck: "Do you? I mean, no offense, but you're never the one getting left behind. You're the one who leaves." "You're always the one who leaves. You don't know what it's like to watch someone you love walk away."

—

3x09 -

Buck: "Especially if you aren't around to see that they need saving. Look, I'm sorry that I wasn't there, Eddie. You and Chris needed me and I had my head so far up my own behind with that stupid lawsuit--"

Eddie: "We're way past that, Buck."

Buck: "I'm not. I should've been there.”

—

4x06 -

Eddie: "I'm still not over it. Over her."

Bobby: "And you never will be. You will always miss her. And that part of you that she took with her, you'll never get it back. Every day you heal a little bit more, and one morning you wake up, and losing her isn't the first thing you think about."

Eddie: "But you're happy now? I mean, with Athena and the kids?"

Bobby: "I love the family I have now but that doesn't mean I ever stop missing the one I lost."

3x18 -

Bartender: "Somebody waiting for you there?"

Abby: "No. He stopped waiting for me a long time ago." *scene cuts to Buck talking about summer camp for Christopher with Eddie and the firefam where Buck isn't on board because Christopher is too young and Eddie is trying to convince himself to let Christopher to go*

I mean, there are so many more examples that I don't have listed here but the parallels are absolutely insane. Eddie has abandonment issues just like Buck does. They both don't want to be the one left behind. So here's what I see:

Bobby's line to Eddie in 4x06 of "And that part of you that she took with her, you'll never get it back" is absolutely imperative when looking at Eddie's story as a whole, and how it intertwines with Buck's. Eddie loved Shannon, without a doubt. Unfortunately, they could never get on the same page and once they did, at that point too much time had passed, there had been too much hurt, and Shannon wasn't ready to rebuild with him, only Christopher. It didn't mean she didn't love him back but she wanted to focus on rebuilding her relationship with her son. Which is why she says to Eddie "I'm still learning how to be someone's mother. And after that, maybe I can learn how to be someone's wife" and then promptly asks for a divorce. But regardless of how wrong they turned out to be for each other in the end, it didn't negate how they felt about each other or how much they loved Christopher in their own ways.

Now Eddie has Ana and in the beginning of the relationship, besides what Carla said, we're already starting to see some parallels coming through there, parallels with Shannon in particular. Not that Ana is running, and yes she was very patient and understanding and respectful and sensitive to both Christopher's and Eddie's needs, but at the first sign of a possible issue, she's ready to take a step back and that's not what Eddie wants, that's not what he wants for Christopher. "Hold on, he and I can figure this out. In the meantime, I don't want you going anywhere. Got that?"

Which immediately brings me back to what Bobby said to Buck in 1x09 about Abby: "“I think your problem is you’re hoping to pull her out of this trap she’s in with her mom. It’s not gonna happen. What she needs is for you to step inside with her, keep her company in there.” -- this is exactly what Eddie is looking for. He wants company, a partner, a co-parent, exactly what Shannon had been asking him to be before she left. Someone who won't leave and who will fight not only for him and their relationship but also Christopher and their family.

And sure enough: "But no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him." and he's saying this to Buck as he's telling him that he's made him legal guardian for Christopher in the event of his death. Plus ""I love him enough to never stop trying. And I know you do, too." "Thank you for not giving up."

We all have seen how the show frames the Buckley-Diaz family but I think what we're all starting to see now is just how deeply they connected these two characters and the growth for this new family to happen. They literally took Buck's and Eddie's stories as separate characters and interwove them so deeply that it would start to knot up if anyone tried to untangle it. Outside of all of the obvious parallels of Maddie with Eddie, Eddie to Abby, Abby to Shannon, etc, they really built a deep foundation for this one. When Ryan talks about how Buck and Eddie are brothers, he's right. They are; they're comrades and brothers working together on the front lines every day. There's one corner. When Buck calls Eddie his best friend, he's right. They are best friends. There's the other corner. Buck and Eddie are family and not only has the show been strongly hinting at it, but now it's somewhat cemented with Buck being Chris' legal guardian. There's the third corner. For the fourth, I think we all kind of know where that might be heading.

And here's the thing, the writers could have easily just made Carla's comments about Eddie, meaning not bringing his heart into it. She could have simply said "Just make sure you're doing this for you and not just for Christopher" but no, they had her tell him to follow his heart. So, looking at all of this and the fact that they are calling attention to his heart, which is not Ana or anyone else that we're aware of except for Christopher obviously, they're purposely setting up that fourth corner of that foundation. They mixed the cement with the Shannon story, now the Ana story, as well as Abby, Taylor, and Ali, but ultimately they're putting that fourth corner in. It's just going to take a bit to finish.

Which is why when Bobby says that line about a piece of Eddie not coming back that Shannon took with her, it makes total sense to me. He did love her and he most likely always will, but that part of his heart that was hers alone, he's never getting that back. And then the writers follow it up with this: "But you're happy now? I mean, with Athena and the kids?" Athena and Bobby, who not only parallel Buck and Eddie, but Bobby is an absolute parallel for Eddie himself. "I love the family I have now but that doesn't mean I ever stop missing the one I lost."

And we know which family Eddie has now. We've been seeing it all along. Even though this conversation was about Eddie needing to move on, even though Ana's name comes up and at the end of the episode and we see him meeting her for breakfast, it doesn't eradicate the family that has now been built. We see Chris run to Buck when he finds out his dad is dating. That's the first person he runs to, not Abuela or Pepa. I mean, he was in an Uber and could have gone anywhere. Maybe had Carla been in town, he might have gone to her, but she conveniently was not. Buck has been the person Christopher looks to after Eddie since the beginning of season 3. Like Eddie says when he drops Christopher off at Buck's apartment "He's hanging with his Buck today." And if Christopher is Eddie's heart (which he is, as Eddie has said, Christopher is his world), Eddie's heart has already been going where it wants to be for some time now.

And then of course, we have the parallels between Shannon and Buck, like her setting up the tree outside at Christmas and Chris thinks Santa (Eddie) gave him his Christmas wish and brought her back to him. Then a year later, we see Christopher is not happy that Eddie (and then Buck) is working on Christmas. Buck coordinates with Athena for the Christmas dinner and then Christopher is able to spend time with Eddie and Buck, in effect giving Christopher Eddie back for the day. Eddie getting upset and angry at Buck over the lawsuit and the enforced no-contact rule. Eddie was upset with Shannon for leaving but understood as best as he could, but he wasn't willing to let her back into Christopher's life just yet; she had to work for it. Which Buck kind of did too in 3x06 until he and Eddie hash things out.

But I think the one thing that shocked the hell out of me but absolutely made me realize the importance of Bobby's words of that piece of Eddie's heart being gone with Shannon is this: in 3x15, when Eddie survives the helicopter crash and ambush, the doctor tells him when he comes to that he has bullet wounds, a broken bone, and a dislocated shoulder. The sling is on his left arm. After he's told about the status of his crew and that he would be receiving a medal, he says "I need to call my wife." And that Eddie has one more piece of his heart to follow: In 4x14, Eddie has a bullet wound to his shoulder? Near his shoulder? Sorry, I'm not good with the whole anatomy/medical thing but I think it's in that general vicinity. But Eddie has a sling on his right arm. And when Eddie first woke up, Ana called Buck (since she was there with him) to let him know. Then of course, we get that scene where Ana literally steps aside so Buck and Eddie can see each other. And then here comes another parallel: before Eddie headed out on the mission in 3x15, he had been talking to Shannon and Christopher on the tablet before he lost the signal. In 4x14, Buck is sitting there and Eddie is facetiming with Christopher and Carla (who tells him she and Buck have it under control). Eddie is asking the questions he would have asked Shannon had we seen him contact her once he woke up from his injuries after the assault. "He doing okay?" "You were there for him when I couldn't be. That's what matters." And the fact that Buck had to be the one to tell Christopher that Eddie got shot, something that Shannon would have done had she been there.

And what's even crazier - when Athena is attacked by a "bad man", her right arm is also in a sling as she heals from her injuries after being in the hospital. Which just adds to the parallels of how Bobby felt hearing her being attacked and helpless to do anything with Buck seeing Eddie being shot and unable to do anything except get him out of there and get him to the hospital.

So bottom line of this long freaking answer (sorry about that, I don't think it's quite 120k but damn does it look like it's close LOL) is that the grocery store scene is absolutely important because Buck and Eddie were already in the parallel to what happened between Eddie and Shannon which also echoes things with Buck and Abby. Because Eddie felt hurt and betrayed by Buck, because he had been starting to rely on him, for Christopher, emotionally, and for Buck to just agree to do the lawsuit and have no contact without thinking of anyone but himself in that moment, I'm willing to bet all the money I have in the bank (which granted is not all that much but still) that it triggered Eddie big time and that is why he was pissed (besides everything else that was going on with Christopher's nightmares and still dealing with Shannon's death, etc), why he kept Buck at arm's length at first, why he made Buck work for it so to speak. Especially since he told Buck in 3x03 ""There's nobody in this world I trust my son with more than you." So I think that the fact that Buck made sure to give him that second heartfelt apology just between them in 3x09 was the correct move on Buck's part. Even though Eddie had forgiven him, Buck needed to make sure Eddie knew how sorry he was and to stress that he would never leave or walk away or abandon Christopher or him (or the family basically) ever again. And so far, he's stayed true to those words. Thus, the other piece of Eddie's heart enters the conversation in the next season.

Regardless of what they do here or where they go with this, regardless of how the actors might feel about where this is going (meaning possibly Ryan), the writers have really tied all of this together in such a way that it would be hard to back out of. Technically, they could do it but it would definitely hurt the story they're trying to tell as well as the one they've already been telling. Had they not chosen for Carla to tell Eddie to follow his heart, then maybe they could keep it possibly platonic and familial, but since they not only chose to have her say that line and then show us in the next episode Eddie basically giving Christopher to Buck should anything happen to him, Christopher being his world (heart), they're not just sticking to platonic and familial. Truthfully, I don't feel they have been for a while, but for argument's sake, I'll entertain the possibility. Regardless, we're in the game now. So season 5 should be very interesting to see how they move forward with this family, how they move Eddie's story forward (including his relationship with Ana and where that will go now that Eddie has processed Carla's words and has had that realization that she may be right), and how knowing this information (besides the trauma of seeing Eddie get shot) will impact Buck and how he moves forward when it comes to danger and risking himself at emergency scenes. Will Buck be unbearable when Eddie gets back to work, meaning he will try to prevent Eddie from going into anything dangerous or both of them so someone is guaranteed to go home to Christopher? Will this create a problem when responding to emergencies, one that Bobby may need to step in and deal with? How will Eddie feel going back on the job? How will Christopher feel if Eddie returns to work? It should be very interesting to see what they have in store for us.

I know one thing, though, they did this, they put this out there, and all of it is for a reason.

I hope this was an okay response, my friend. I know I'm going to be rewatching season 1 again soon just to see how many more parallels there are, even before Eddie shows up on scene. Because we know thery're there lol. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening! <3

[babyarcanacasey]

Hey, I'm not sure what happened and you don't have to say anything at all but I just want you to know I'm sorry, that you are loved and appreciated and that I can't wait to read your new fic! all the love and strength and good vibes to you!

Don’t know if you’re a follower or still hanging around, anon, so hope you see this. Apologies for it being long.

A little over a month ago, I noticed my cat was squinting. His cheek eventually swelled up. I took him to the vet and the vet thought it might be an abscess or it might be a tumor. A day later, when his cheek swelled up so large that the eye was completely closed, my dad took him back to the vet and we received absolutely, soul-crushing, heartrending news: my cat, my beloved shadow of a tuxedo cat that has been my constant companion of nearly a decade, the medium sized basketball cat who would wait at the door when I got home from work/errands/away from home, who would follow me everywhere, had cancer. It was terminal; there was no hope of recovery, no surgical removal of the tumor that was growing behind his eye and causing degradation of the bone. Our only option was the humane one: it would be time to say goodbye. The vet couldn’t tell us how much longer we’d have this loving creature in our lives, but my dad left the final decision to me. I couldn’t bear to let him go yet - my home state was in lockdown at the time and while the vet’s office was open for checkups and all, family members weren’t allowed inside; if we put him down, my precious cat would breathe his last breath without even his “momma” to hold him - so I told my dad that, as long as Ringo (our cat) wasn’t in any pain, we wouldn’t be putting him down any time soon. But at the first sign his quality of life declined, my first day off was when we’d say our goodbyes. How blindly optimistic that decision seems now, how Pollyanna of me. Hours later, the tumor burst: now there would be only pain for my precious kitty, it was time to say goodbye. The clinic had given my dad the name of a vet who performed in-home visits so pets didn’t have to go to a cold clinic for their final trip. My dad made the call to set up an appointment; I could barely speak. I still went into work that afternoon, feeling like I was in a bad dream, until I broke down sobbing in front of our news director who asked the simplest of greetings: “how’s it going?” The first vet visit was Tuesday morning, the devastating blow was Wednesday afternoon, and the decision to let him go was Thursday. Saturday morning, April 18th, a week shy of his 13th birthday and two weeks shy of the tenth anniversary of bringing him home from the shelter, Ringo passed away quietly in my arms. And I have been devastated since. I understand he’s gone, but sometimes I still find myself, even a month later, waking up to wonder why his comforting weight isn’t squashed against my leg or be confused when, while watching tv in my bedroom, my bedroom door stays firmly shut. I’ve had family members pass away (my aunt passed last year of brain cancer, as well as others) and I’ve had to put down other furry family members, but none has left me with the physical, crushing ache this death is giving me.

Unfortunately, while my fic was supposed to go live today, it’s been pushed back. Somehow, and I can’t really blame the fog the above death put on my brain (although it’s certainly a factor), I missed the fact that the minimum word count for 1D Big Bang was 25k words, and not the 20k I had written and posted. I’ve got an extension from the mods (death of beloved furry son not mentioned) that’s good until the end of June, but you shouldn’t have to wait that long.

Thank you for your concern and well wishes. 💙💙💚💚