#i'm rambling bc i'm tired and having a hard time processing this right now

[battleshipgarcy]

I just wrote the last line in the final chapter of TRLT, and...

[sukunas-shrine]

RAMBLE, YOU DONT NEED 2 READ. THIS IS A VENT.

so sorry for dumping this on u, but idk where else 2 turn 2.

I feel sick. I hate this feeling of being stressed. I feel like no matter what I do ill always be suffering. I can't stop being like this. I'm 2 young 2 be this scared of noting. I'm 2 young 2 be worrying about not being a good human being. School is so stressful even on break. I feel like I'm a failure and I'll always amount 2 nothing in the end. No matter what I do ill never be strong enough. No matter how much I talk I'll never be smart enough. No matter how much I'll work I'll never work hard enough. What if I can't make ends meet when I'm forced into life? Is that it? Am I just gonna live paycheck 2 paycheck?? Idk man. Ik I'm usually happy and silly but I've felt like shit for so long. My main issue is that I can make anything anymore. I don't feel creative anymore. I can't even breath right without being stressed. It's not an option for me 2

I can't even fucling focus bc even if it's new yrs my parents argue all the time. I wanna move out. I wanna transition. I wanna be a man. I need 2 be one. I can't stand living like this. I don't have any friends and I can't move on from my old ones. My sister says I attract alot of bad people in my life. I don't want 2 do that anymore. My most recent friend was awful. They made me drink underage through pure pressure, I've never drank at all before that. I was a good kid. I'm trying w be a good kid. I lied 2 my sister about being buzzed bc of it. 2 shots of 95% vodka. That's what it was. I've never ever drank before that. My ex friend tried 2 kill herself in school...IN SCHOOL. OD IN SCHOOL. I can't stop thinking about it. She was awful and used me as rebound after her bf moved out of our school. It was a whole thing.

Before that another "friend" doxxed me. I got doxxed bc I befriend some incel on discord. I js thought "Hey they js need a friend!!" Never ever again. I wanted 2 save them. I wanted 2 see the best. They made my life he'll no matter how hard I tried. I can't change people. I'll die before I stop trying 2 sacrifice myself 2 make someone feel better. I'm so tired. I need new friends. I'm so lonely and exhausted.

Any time my joke freaky comments gets sent 2 u or smth I freak out bc I have such bad ptsd of some past shit. Call out posts and drama with ss... people calling me awful things.. I was called so many things over the lamest reasons. My whole life suddenly became a vacuum for awful people who I decided 2 give a chance. Maybe I'm an angel with clipped wings. My kindness will be the death of me. Maybe I should stop being nice. I can't even have a moment 2 process half the awful shit all my friendships were.

I won't lie, I hated myself. Esspecially when I think about past me. I was so so so so fucking disgusting. I did so much awful shit bc of desperation. I wanted friends more than anything. I wanted a community more than my own family. I was brainwashed into being a complete monster. I'm out of it, but even now I still have issues. I'm so so fucking done with being scared of myself.

What if I sent an ask and all the sudden it turns out it comes off as me being a pedo?? What if I sent a sweet msg 2 someone and I end up sending some awful slur??? I can't live like this. Ik it's impossible but after what I went through I can't stop being scared. Idk if I'll even send this with an emoji. My shit is so heavy.

I don't even know where 2 begin. I js feel like a failure who can't move on from anything. I hate my dad for being an ass but the I can't blame him bc now he's a changed man. What kind of son would I be if I hated him? He's trying so hard 2.

I hate my mom for making me this insecure. Ik she was js raised like that and was going though alot while rasing me, but I don't know how 2 not think about how ashamed I am of myself.

Nothing bad is happening anymore, but I can't live normally when all this bulshit from last yr looms over me. "New yr new me"?? Yeah right. I just want a real friend. Is that something hard 2 ask for? Maybe God hates me. Maybe I'm being punished. I'm not religious, I can't be. I'm really not. But if not religion, then why must I suffer?? Maybe it's stupid. This might be dumb but I'm still telling u anyways. Maybe none of this makes sense.

I love u all so much. I love u all so dearly. I want this place 2 be happy and a wonderful community. I hope one day I won't be so scared of myself. Please take care everyone. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

-🌬

Admin here 🫶: hey. gonna get a lil personal with this one. there’s a lot of stuff here i know i can’t relate to, but the stuff at the beginning, the stuff about transitioning and living paycheque to paycheque and having awful friends but needing them around, or having no friends at all— that was me too. it took me a hell of a long time, but i can say with confidence that it gets better. i went through transitioning with no support, had to figure it all out by myself. went through terrible, terrible times mentally that i wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

but i survived n i’m so glad i did. i found friends— true, beautiful friends, got the care i needed, have an amazing job, and i know it’s possible. even though it seems anything but at the time. i couldn’t picture myself making it here, but i did.

keep going, hun, and your time will come. it doesn’t sound or feel like it, but life gets better at the most unexpected moments, and you’re not the only one who had to tread that path. you will move out, you will find your people, you are a man & you’ll find people who know that and people who can help you get other people to see that too.

you’re always welcome here and i hope you find the support you need— it’s out there somewhere, and you’ll find it at the right time.

i believe in you and you are loved.

[morggn]

LONG fuckin post i am just rambling on my life thoughts right now.

man. in some respects life sucks and is awful rn. like my mom dying and still not being able to find work (and how grieving my mom complicates the latter bc it's effected my physical health by making me Way more prone to minor illnesses and also being tired all the time more than before which. Yknow. Makes it pretty hard to apply and go through the interview process and Commit bc i could be feeling like i'm physically at death's door the week after i sign on with no warning) (and also the education system (that i plan on working in) being an eternal capsizing ship that is also on fire). having to settle into a new life rhythm without her while also being surrounded by constant little reminders even when i'm not at home is. well it's fucking tiring and it does still occasionally hit me pretty hard out of nowhere. i see a dish i remember wanting to get a match for for the two of us, but my balance was low and i ended up not getting the second one and now i wonder if i made the right decision or not. i remember some one-off comment she made years and years ago about what she'd want at whatever memorial we'd do when she passed but the context is so fuzzy in my memory i can't remember it clearly and she isn't there for me to ask for clarification on it. i find the chococat hand creme i got her for christmas or candy she never got to eat or a new baseball jersey she never got to wear or that she never got to see ohtani play as a dodger and my heart aches even if just for a bit. like my relationship to her was extremely complicated and strained and tenuous but she was my mom. her issues w substance dependency and trauma bled into my life and shaped me for better and (mostly) for worse but regardless of how much she hurt me I still loved her.

but also. love is real and i am capable of being loved and of loving actually. and this is the first time in my life ive ever actually felt that and it's felt?? real?? secure??? genuine??? and that i'm not at risk of my partner hurting me intentionally or otherwise??? and that i'm less likely to accidentally hurt them somehow bc we've spent years not as romantic partners working on our ability to effectively communicate with each other? like??? oh shit i am worthy and capable of healthy love??? That Exists??? WHACK even with all the recovery i did i was always a little doubtful that love would find me or that i would find it but here we are!!

idk. equivalent exhange. lost my mom but i love my partner very much and would not be the same person in the same spot in life without their love and support.

[alieinthemorning]

(Taken from @/cozyvaquita on Twitter)

1. Something new you tired? Something you wish you did?

This year I started writing for a new fandom! I wish I wrote for any of the other ones I rambled about.

2. The fic with your best writing? What about your favorite? No. They're not the same.

I think Slip of His Mask has some of my best writing. I'm not too sure though. Can the audience please vote now?

More Than A Tool is one of my favorites. Anything that sticks in my head for a long time and evokes so much emotions from me gets to sit on the top shelf.

3. A line/paragraph (or even three) you wrote that absolutely bangs?

“You’re more than a weapon. More than a tool.” Your grip on him tightened. “You are Ajax. A son, a brother and the man that I love.”

- More Than A Tool

“There’s only one other person who shares in this pain and that’s you Diluc.” You made your way to him, placing your hands on his clenched fists.

“Please help Kaeya.”

He looked up at you. Eyes that burned with no flame, now hazed by tears.

“Please save your brother.”

- Slip of His Mask

“Which means,” She took your hands into her own, “each and every one of these scars is a star. Something that was meant to be.” She kissed them.

- Stars Within Scars

4. Pick a fic you've written. Now distill it into a single color. Why does it look that way to you?

A color? This is more so of a swirl. Its very dark with reds, blues and purples. A bit like a galaxy if you will. There's something that's not said in the fic but I've thought a lot about. It has to do with Kaeya's eyes, stigmata and Khaenri'ah. The fic I'm talking about is Slip of His Mask.

5. Three tracks you've listen to a totally normal amount while writing?

I'm not big on listening to music when writing since I usually zone all the way out and a song ends up playing like five times.

I'd say a lot of Friday Night Funkin' songs were played though.

6. The fic you spent the most time on?

Whispers on the Wind . I fretted so hard over it and I still don't think it's all that good. I always want to go back and work on it.

7. The fic that made you want to quit writing?

See above.

8. The fic you had the most fun with?

Sheer Cold Cryo. Reader mocking Kaeya was a highlight for me. Oh! and just pocking fun at him with Albedo!

9. The fic that should've gotten more attention. You know you're right. Tell everyone why.

All of them. Read them, they're a treat.

10. Favorite thing someone's said about your writing. In a fic comment or otherwise?

my first comment bc i love ur ficlet series omg heart eyes awooga

ittos lovely on Homie of an Oni (AO3)

Itto picks us up bridal style? Oh???

I love this collection so far! Well done!

Anon Itto Enjoyer on Homie of an Oni (AO3)

11. Your biggest writing grievance? Complain to your heart's content. You've earned the right.

The whole writing part. Why can't the ideas just go from my head onto the document?

12. The wip you're most enthused about? Show us a snippet.

I ain't got no tea sis.

13. The project you're happiest about finishing?

Smiles in yet another deleted fic. Once again, wasn't a genshin fic. But I spent a very long time on it! And it all didn't even get published! But I'm happy I finished it!

14. Your best oddly specific tag(s) you've used for you fics?

Arataki Itto Being The Best Character In Genshin Impact

15. Your writing process moodboard? Pick 4 images.

16. A fic you did the absolute most with, the one you wrote for you? You didn't have to go that far, but you wanted to. Brag about it.

[REDACTED] because it's deleted! Here's a comment I got on the fic though!

i yell-laughed at the idea of riku saying "lets rock and roll" a la embarrasing dad style, this was so cute heLLLP

17. Finally, writing is often a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad experience. What made you keep at it anyway in this bizarre year?

Me. There were things that I wanted to read that weren't written, so I had to write it.

I did my MHA fics under the cut!

I started writing for more female characters! I wish I finished that one fic! Too late for that now!

2. The fic with your best writing? What about your favorite? No. They're not the same.

I'm definitely gonna need an audience vote on this one. I have no idea.

I'm definitely gonna need an audience vote on this one. I have no idea.

3. A line/paragraph (or even three) you wrote that absolutely bangs?

SHIGARAKI TOMURA WAGES WAR ON HEROES

You shut off the tv.

And think back to simpler times.

When Shimura Tenko held your heart.

- Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko [one]

A red feather slid underneath the door and up toward the lock, but you snatched it out the air. “No!” Then shoved it back under. “Please, please—  Just leave me alone!”

There was a solid thump on the other side. “What happened? Is it something I did? I can’t stand to see you like this.” His voice was calm but you could still hear the undertones of pain and fear.

“No. You didn’t do anything wrong, Keigo.”

“Then why would you ask me if I hated you.”

“I—” The message flashed across your lids. “I can’t —” You pulled at your hair.

“Then… can I at least stay?” You wanted him to stay but you also wanted him to leave. He didn’t need to be here while you wallowed in self pity. It wasn’t even all that important anyway. Just you being over reactive as usual.

- Hawks | Takami Keigo [three]

“I gotta admit, it would’ve been easier to get rid of you if you weren’t so beautiful.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat, choosing to ignore his compliment . “The worst part was that I saw it coming, I knew you’d hurt me, hurt us, but I still kept you around.” You shook your head. “We were never in love, we were simply caught up in a nightmare that felt like a dream.”

- Dabi [Winter Wonderland]

4. Pick a fic you've written. Now distill it into a single color. Why does it look that way to you?

Cinderella Blue. For the Cinderella Series I did. Well, not a series per say, but I wrote 3 fics using songs from Cinderella (1997)

Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful?, Ten Minutes Ago, Dabi | Todoroki Touya [one]

5. Three tracks you've listen to a totally normal amount while writing?

I'm not big on listening to music when writing since I usually zone all the way out and a song ends up playing like five times. I'd say a lot of Friday Night Funkin' songs were played though.

6. The fic you spent the most time on?

I don't know... if it was anything it was a request though.

7. The fic that made you want to quit writing?

[Redacted]

Nah, I'll actually namedrop this one.

Quirkmates.

I'm not really a fan of Midoriya, but a few people were wondering if I was every gonna make it into a full fic.

The concept with good but I didn't have the motivation to properly executive it.

8. The fic you had the most fun with?

Foxy Mama, but like all the fun was behind the scene and are trapped in my head.

9. The fic that should've gotten more attention. You know you're right. Tell everyone why.

All of them. Read them, they're a treat.

10. Favorite thing someone's said about your writing. In a fic comment or otherwise?

OK this is really weird but all the nicknames Hawks uses just... makes me melt.

My_Little_Epona on Hawks | Takami Keigo [three] (AO3)

Something else completely relatable. I friggin' love angst, ngl. It's also really nice seeing Hawks being there for the reader, it makes my heart melt. I obviously don't know what the reader read, but I definitely can understand where she's coming from. Now, while I do hope nothing else ends up hurting you, I do love to read your angst fics! <3

MsPyromaniac on Hawks | Takami Keigo [three] (AO3)

Its nearly a year later vut i hope you feel better! ;u; also djdodndjdodndj i love me some hurt/comfort. its... very comforting xD

Summoner_Jay on Hawks | Takami Keigo [three] (AO3)

Thank y'all for the comments on my self-indulgent vent fics.

11. Your biggest writing grievance? Complain to your heart's content. You've earned the right.

The whole writing part. Why can't the ideas just go from my head onto the document?

12. The wip you're most enthused about? Show us a snippet.

I ain't got no tea sis.

13. The project you're happiest about finishing?

Smiles in yet another deleted fic. Once again, wasn't a genshin fic. But I spent a very long time on it! And it all didn't even get published! But I'm happy I finished it!

14. Your best oddly specific tag(s) you've used for you fics?

Reader has a Fox Quirk !

15. Your writing process moodboard? Pick 4 images.

16. A fic you did the absolute most with, the one you wrote for you? You didn't have to go that far, but you wanted to. Brag about it.

I'd say the Check In Series. I was going through it when I wrote those. Very dark times, read at your own risk.

17. Finally, writing is often a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad experience. What made you keep at it anyway in this bizarre year?

Me. There were things that I wanted to read that weren't written, so I had to write it.

[meetmeatthecoda]

Lately, I've found myself drawn to stories ( and I mean drawn to as in envisioning those stories in my head, thinking them through to the very last detail, not reading, let alone writing them down, because I've long since accepted that they will never turn out quite the same on the paper ) where Red is the one who'd been seriously hurt and, therefore, rendered unconscious for an indefinite amount of time and worried Liz is the one who doesn't leave his side, hoping and praying and pleading that he would wake up. Probably, something that has to do with how unfair it is that we've seen Red keep vigil by hurt!Lizzy's side – playing music for her, holding her hand, reading to her etc. – a number of times and yet, over the course of 8 seasons, never have ever been allowed the pleasure of seeing Liz do the same for him ( not even when he was shot – because she left to retrieve the Fulcrum and couldn't come back until the fight was over – or when he was poisoned – because she'd been waiting to be cleared to see him and he ran away the moment he wasn't actively dying, because that's Red for you all ), even though she loves and cares about him as much as he loves and cares about her.

I mean, just imagine the possibilities!

Liz pacing around the waiting area of Red's mobile hospital while he's in surgery, unable to think about anything else other than how he looked – battered and broken and barely alive – when they've found him and how his head rested in her lap ( she could almost convince herself that he was merely dozing, if he wasn't so deathly pale and still and there wasn't so much blood on his clothes and her clothes and her hands and the backseat of the car ) and his hand was limp in her death grip as they rushed him to his doctors and she whispered words of reassurance and encouragement to him even though she knew he couldn't hear her and how she had to fight the instinct to curl around her lover and snarl at anyone who would come close because she can't let him be hurt further as the medics took him away from her, exchanging observations and orders that didn't sound particularly reassuring. She's also acutely aware of the fact that Red is fighting for his life – there, just a few feet away from her – and, though he's the strongest man she's ever known, he may not win, and so she makes a promise to the empty air in front of her that she will kill him herself if he dares to give up on her and Agnes like that now, when they've just reached the good, right place in their relationship, just confesses their feelings to each other. At some point, Dembe most certainly pulls Liz in for a hug, letting her cry in his shoulder, doing his best to comfort her ( even though there's nothing that can bring her more comfort than Red's hug, when he – alive and whole – wraps his arms protectively around her and holds her close and lets her hide from the whole world in his arms, his chest, his shoulder and neck – wherever she prefers to burrow her face at the time – and the memory itself makes her cry harder, because there's a possibility that he will never hug her like that again ), even though he's just as worried and scared as she is, and Mr Kaplan helps Liz clean up, washing away Red's blood from her hands and producing seemingly out of the thin air fresh clothes for her to change into.

Red, of course, pulls through the surgery, beating all odds, and Liz's heart floods with relief at the good news before sinking when the doctor explains to her and Dembe and Mr Kaplan the extent of Red's injuries and that it's impossible to say when – or even if – he wakes up.

And so the waiting game begins. Liz doesn't leave Red's side, holding his hand, stroking his knuckles with her thumb and never letting go, constantly talking to him and reading to him and even asking Dembe to bring the record player and some records from the Bethesda apartment to play to him, hoping that it would elicit some kind of response from him. Yet, as they days go by, there's not a single, smallest sign that he's aware of anything that's going on around him, that he's still there somewhere and is trying to find his way back to her, to them – he doesn't stir, doesn't so much as flutter his eyelashes, and Liz grows more desperate with each passing day, even though the doctor assures her that Red's slowly but surely improving ( but she can't see it with her own eyes, and if she can't see it, she's less likely to believe it, the more time passes with him just lying there, undisturbed by the loud, chaotic world around him ).

And then there's Agnes... While Liz keeps vigil at Red's bedside, the babysitting duties are split equally between Aram and Samar, Charlene and Cooper, Ressler and Audrey and Dembe and Mr Kaplan. Yet more often than not whoever picks little Agnes up from school and / or her ballet classes brings her over to the safe-house where Liz and Red are. She doesn't seem to be as unnerved by Red's state as her mommy is, climbing on his bed each time she visits ( after giving her mommy the biggest hug, of course ) and leaning in close to him, examining his face thoughtfully before half-asking, half-stating "He's still tired, mommy?". And Liz usually replies with a hoarse "Yes, baby" because she doesn't trust herself not to get choked up if she tries to answer more eloquently. Agnes simply nods then, satisfied with the explanation why he hasn't woken up yet, and settles against Red's side – mindful of his injuries and the spider web of wires and tubes connecting him to all sorts of monitors and machines – and either naps ( especially, on ballet classes days ) or tells her mommy and Red ( she talks to him just like Liz does much too easily – promising him to show him the new moves she's learnt when he wakes up etc. – as if she's already done that before or seen anyone else do that... unbeknownst to Liz, she did both – when Liz herself was in a coma, Agnes both saw Red talk to her mommy and was encouraged by him to talk to her, too, because it may help her mommy sleep easier and maybe she'll get better sooner and finally wake up ) about her day or does her homework or draws ( more often than not, she draws either cards for Red to read when he wakes up or just things she wants him to see ). And when the time comes for her to leave, she always kisses Red on the cheek, wishing him "sweet dreams" and to get better soon, and then gives her mommy, who tries so very hard not to tear up but fails miserably, a hug and a kiss, too, and tells her frequently that she shouldn't cry because Red is just too tired, just like she – Liz – once was, and that he just needs to sleep a bit more.

And when the door behind Agnes closes and Liz is sure her daughter won't see / hear her, she breaks down hard, in big, ugly sobs, because her little girl shouldn't be acting so naturally in this kind of situation and because she wishes so hard that Red just woke up, because she can't do this, any of this, without him.

In the end, once his body has healed itself enough and he regained enough of his strength, Red, of course, does wake up. It's a slow process, and Liz thinks she might either faint or go mad from the overwhelming feelings that are swirling inside of her when Red moves for the first time in what seems to her like forever – squeezing her hand feather-lightly – and when he leans slightly, unconsciously into her touch when she strokes his cheek �� out of habit, without even expecting any sort of reaction from him and being pleasantly surprised – and when he opens his eyes for the first time – it's a brief occurrence, with his eyes slipping shut tiredly again after just a few moments, and he's still pretty much out of it, apparently, not even noticing her presence by his side, but for Liz it's a major event – and when he finally, finally looks directly at her – alive and conscious and alert – and calls her "Lizzy". He's still weak and his voice sounds terrible and Liz knows she shouldn't let all of her pent-up feelings – the fear and despair and frustration and love and relief and exhaustion – out on him like that – he's just woken up, after all – but she can't hold back the tears nor the jumbled mess of "thank you"s and "I love you"s and " "I've missed you"s and "I'm so so happy you're back" and "I was so worried" and "Don't ever scare me like that again" that spills from her lips as she leans in to kiss him lightly and give him the gentlest of hugs...

(Since I'm not a ficwriter and, therefore, have no intentions of using this pile of ideas/images/feelings myself, I wouldn't mind at all if you or any other writer drew inspiration from this rambling of mine)

Ahhhhh 😭😭😭 Are you sure you're not a fic writer, anon?? Cause this reads like some quality hurt/comfort to me!! 🥲🥲 Honestly, this is a lovely scenario to imagine & it gives me a slightly bitter sense of satisfaction to think of Liz suffering through just a fraction of the time Red spent by her side while she was in her coma... especially if it's the catalyst for fEeLiNgS to emerge tee hee bc, you're RIGHT, we were woefully deprived of those situations in the show & I'll never not be sad about it tbh. More specifically, things I love the most about this in no particular order: Liz having to "fight the instinct to curl around her lover & snarl" *swoon*, Liz swearing she will kill him herself if he dies LMAO, Dembe hugging her for comfort & Mr. Kaplan helping her get cleaned up 🥺🥺🥺, Liz playing records for Red yasss, AGNES & everyone taking turns babysitting her while she misses her Daddy desperately but deals with the situation with a maturity & grace beyond her years in an effort to help her grieving Mommy through it cool cool mkay mkay, Liz only breaking down once Agnes leaves OWWW, anddddd Liz being a blubbering mess when Red finally wakes up & calls her "Lizzie" & they kiss *whispers* it's fine, i'm fine 🙃 IN CONCLUSION, I love this anon, thank you for sharing this lovely little AU with me!! 🥰 And much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️