#i'm scared to move
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wlwanakin · 1 year ago
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i think possibly my favorite anakinism and one i think about a rather unhealthy amount is his body language and how he almost always looks viscerally uncomfortable and vaguely like a child who is scared of getting slapped. even when he’s being confrontational he looks sooo defensive like wow girl you have never fully processed anything that’s happened to you and you will carry the weight of it forever
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inkskinned · 1 day ago
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it took me 964 applications. i've been counting, but not well. i don't always add every quick-apply to the spreadsheet. this one was five rounds of interviews. saying my elevator pitch like a parrot, peppy and happy. for a long time, i didn't hear anything from them. i thought it was the same as always - they say where did we find you, seem excited, then ghost me. i had sent three follow-up emails hi, just checking in! excited for this opportunity!
i have a master's degree and over 10 years of work in the industry. i've worked 5 jobs at once. i have worked hard and i tried hard my entire life, no matter how burnt out i got or whatever else happened to me. i am the representation of the american dream.
but i'm not a good fit for an entry-level job, i guess, so i get told a lot we just don't think you're be happy. but they fill other positions internally, instead saying - well, there was another candidate who had 6 more days of experience. if i'm lucky, i get this sad little email back from the recruiter, all saying the same thing: we liked you, but we went with another option, good luck job hunting. that is - if i'm lucky, and they even communicate at all with me.
what a waste of fucking time. i've been counting interviews - i am a fucking master total of 42 fucking hours. can you fucking believe. i would have made rent if they'd fucking paid me.
and now nobody does remote, even though this is a job that for the last five years has been remote-completely. now they are paying 14 an hour for a job that used to be 33.50. now they are saying we are looking for rockstars and mean we don't give you health insurance. "we need someone motivated and a little crazy" translates to you will have one day of PTO annually. every job board filled with the same AI-generated bullshit of "our values/join our family/Make Waves With Us". they need to be constantly growing. who knows if they're genuinely hiring.
sometimes i want to write did you know i saved a life once into the cover letter. sometimes i want to put a little secret in there, a little short story about how when i was a kid i used to dream of speaking to my plants. i have the same six conversations with people and answer the same eight questions. sometimes at the end they'll throw something in there that's completely irrelevant. what is my go-to belting song (and yes, they say, there is a wrong answer). what animal would i turn into. what's the most reactive element i've had direct contact with. do i know how to lift an elephant.
964 feels like a nice number, somehow round and pleasing. sometimes i have nightmares where the spreadsheet grows arms and strangles me to death. i saw an old friend in one of these recently; he said the earth will end and you'll still be applying until you run out of breath. 964 is a lot of time to spend filling out an application on a site that doesn't load properly and just steals my information.
one time in desperation i applied for a supermarket position. just anything to make the ends meet, good lord, i'd take anything. i was rejected from it. i'm not, like, proud. i'd take anything so i can afford to live again. and meanwhile, god! our fucking president!
i can't think about it without shaking. i had to beg for help. i paid my own way through college - i have been working (under the table) since i was 12.
nine hundred and sixty-four. and finally! something! and here's the fucking thing: i had to turn it down because it's in your city. how pathetic to think that 2 months ago, i would have agreed to move out to DC, my hands in your hair. my life splashed on your sheets. how pathetic that 2 months ago, you said you wanted me. 964 fucking jobs later, and how pathetic! i can't say yes because my life is entirely different. holy shit.
it's just hell. because god fucking protect you if you have a breakup or a mental breakdown or health issues or need your meds. you can try for a year and still hear fucking nothing from the job market. i have no idea how many times i've said i give up and i still fucking kept doing it. every moment like sandpaper against a raw wound. lowering and lowering my expectations. watching my savings dwindle to nothing. thank you for submitting your application!
back into the frying pan. over and over again.
#spilled ink#warm up#you have no idea what the fuckkkkk this did to my psyche lol#you keep showing up in my dreams and i'm like ..... isn't it enough u broke me. and broke my heart.#isn't it enough i believed in the lies u fed me? how i saw the BEST in you - ironically! i still do! i still think you're just... scared#that something in you broke and you never learned how to treat other people right bc if you get mean first#it protects you - isn't it enough that you smeared me to your friends and told this huge elaborate story#about how i am a terrible person and a terrible partner. about how (after HOURS of me holding u. speaking to u. being ur therapist)#i am the one who ''abandoned'' our relationship. i am the one who ''doesn't listen''. god fucking damn it#it's been too long . i am literally already fucking doing the thing i always do. where i start blaming myself#bc i always do. i question my own motives. i think - maybe i WASNT doing the right thing!#and then i'd apologize to you. ignore the ways u had been SO cruel and unkind to me . bc i wanted it to be okay#this is our fucking pattern. you said to me ''i feel like i can't say anything right'' when i was like '' u just have to say it more kindly#i listened. i tried. i sobbed myself to sleep at night. i tried being quiet. i tried getting loud. i tried apologizing. i tried#standing my ground. i was so fucking exhausted. i just wanted my fucking best friend back. the person you were with#vanishing frequency - the girl i was DEVOTED to. and the paywall to meet her was just... higher and higher and higher#i fell for you and ur rabbit teeth and ur laughter and how ur hands look. i wrote u a fucking book#i would have given up my entire life. seeing my family and friends. watching my nephew age. i would have.#i didn't tell u about this job bc i was hoping we could break out the 'secco. kiss. make plans to move in together#and the whole time. behind my back ....... u were making up this narrative. i said to u - ''i think u hate me''. & i really think u did.
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ministarfruit · 5 months ago
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felt like drawing sweetheart (omori) today
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agalychnisspranneusroseus · 6 months ago
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Sasha going from thin popular cheerleader popular pretty girl before Amphibia and coming back taller and with muscle and covered in scars and maybe missing an eye and with hair short like a boy and she's no longer considered as pretty as she was before, to the point her mother takes hoursssss doing her daughter's makeup to cover her face scar or getting her an uncomfortable but hyperrealistic eye prosthetic (when she wanted one custom-made to look like Grime's eye) and trying to put her on some weird diet to make her lose muscle?? Which just made her feel tired and sick because she got it from shady internet articles. Getting kicked out of the cheerleading team despite being 10 times better than she was before with her amazing strength and agility because she has too many scars and looks scary to her old teammates instead of attractive now (why her coach is concerned about how attractive a middle-schoolers are is never questioned though). She's still popular and has a lot of cool made up stories about being missing in the woods and having to fight mountain lions with her bare hands or something, but it's different now. The new friendships she makes are more genuine, maybe she gets into some other team sport and while she can never tell anyone everything, she's a lot more emotionally honest now. Marcy designs her a beautiful prosthetic that looks exactly how she wanted and is a lot more comfortable and wears it despite her mother's complains. Now she almost kinda looks like the man (toad?) she actually wishes were her parent! How cool is that? Ugh, she just knows he would help her cope with the headaches and poor vision far better than her parents do. Her dad doesn't really care. He just looks at her weird when she does anything that requires even the littlest bit of strength, like helping him change a tire or carrying big boxes lmao. She's not even that butchy! Just a lil bit sometimes, she does like her sports and short hair, and picking up her girlfriends like they weight nothing (oh it gives her such a power rush!) but she still loves her skirts and dresses too! And she still thinks she looks great in them! She tells herself this must be how Captain Beatrix looked like during military galas, if she ever took off that uniform of her. It's certainly how Braddock would look. Somehow seeing herself through toad beauty standards helps a lot. Reminds her of how Anne would come back home dirty and sweaty and covered in mud after her parents took her on some day-long family trip to the mountains to look for frogs, happy and smiling so brightly, because "Hop Pop used to say 'if it ain't a little bit muddy, it ain't honest work'". And she knows Marcy feels a little bit better about her cane and crutches and wheelchair thinking about Andrias, and how much he changed his body to stay alive and look strong and healthy. Her body may not work the way it used to, but at least it doesn't have anything weird in it, at least she doesn't have robot parts - they got rid of the ports in her arms and legs just fine - at least it's all hers again. Plus, the weakness in her legs gives her a great excuse to ask for piggyback rides from her strong, beautiful girlfriend.
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cometblaster2070 · 7 months ago
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so i'm going to go fucking insane because for a while this aspect of malenia's character design has been bothering me and making me think I'm seeing things and going fucking crazy.
the aspect in question is malenia's left arm:
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when i first saw malenia's arm my first thought was oh okay they're probably just bandages or some sort of wraps.
but then you look a bit closer and like
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idk about you (because i might be losing it) but it seems like the mesh of whatever the fuck that is very clearly melded with her skin in a way/it looks like it's going into and then emerging out of her skin (which is HORRIFYING to think of I won't lie).
and once again i thought i was going crazy and seeing things because surely these were just meant to be wraps or bandages like the ones we see in the scene of her fighting radahn right?
and then the thought of the needle came to my mind. along with something malenia says in her cutscene before we fight her.
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"my flesh was dull gold"
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huh. now isn't that interesting.
this would imply that in order to stall the rot from consuming his sister, miquella made a plan to sew unalloyed gold into malenia's skin using his needle in a last-ditch attempt to save her arm.
(granted it's funnier to imagine he just sticks it in her arm and goes okay great all done! and that's probably the canon way it went but)
the thought of the sheer pain malenia must've gone through during this process, to be honest, and the thought of the guilt miquella must've felt at having to force his sister to endure even more agony just to help her is just sad.
and all of it is done just in an attempt to salvage what they can of her and hope that more can't be taken.
like idk man it is just. haunting me ig??? to think about the fact that this woman, for all her strength and pride and tenacity and sheer determination, is literally slowly, painfully but surely, ROTTING away and her brother, who cares for her and loves her so much, can do nothing else but prolong her pain and misery in an attempt to keep her together to the best of his ability.
he has to take a fucking needle and STITCH her back together, he has to sew unalloyed gold into her flesh to keep her from falling apart because he is so desperate to help her. but he is just. he is never enough. his efforts are never enough and his sister continues to be in pain, and continues to rot despite how he tries and plans and invents. and despite his failed efforts and attempts and plans, she still loves him. she still chooses to follow him. to believe in him and his cause and his promises. no matter what happens to her.
edit: btw when looking at malenia pre-bloom and pre-losing her needle it looks like there's a proper layer/cover/whatever it is around her arm up till her knuckles making it seem like an actual covering or layer on top of her skin and what not, but when we fight her post-bloom and post-losing needle it appears like some of the layers have either flaked or fallen away and that reveals that it's actually meshed with/into her skin, which is an interesting note that she has multiple layers of unalloyed gold caked onto her skin on top of it being sewn into her.
EDIT EDIT: THE FACT THAT IN THE SECOND IMAGE IT LOOKS LIKE PIECES OF FLESH HAVE LITERALLY BEEN GOUGED OUT FROM HER HAND LIKE??? it's better seen (the missing flesh <3) when you get a good look at her eyesockets but like. holy shit man.
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herewegobebe · 1 year ago
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TAEMIN | Move ✦ Kcon LA 2024 [x]
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ghouljams · 4 hours ago
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y'all don't understand the way i am getting off on keeping this woman in the dark about sex it is a gift to me and a curse for ghost because he genuinely wants to eat this girl alive and she is looking at him with tears in her eyes and sniffling because she's worried he's going to hurt her the exact way he wants to
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braceletofteeth · 3 months ago
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Shame. n.
an uncomfortable feeling after you have done something wrong or embarrassing.
a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt or inadequacy.
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mod2amaryllis · 8 months ago
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uhh oh!!! unexpected hospital stay 🤪
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last night i fell flat on my stomach tripping over absolutely nothing, so i went in to get checked. everything looks fine aside from a scraped hand and knee but they kept me for overnight monitoring just in case. this, of course, happened while jose is out of town, so ngl chat it was a rough time!!! baby spent the entire night gettin funky, blissfully unaware of her mom's moment of lonely mortal terror.
I've never had the nuts to ask but idk how much this stay will cost and I'll be officially without an income in two weeks. anything you could throw my way would be so appreciated. 💛
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jumjum-crafts · 2 months ago
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"Very useful until put in the same room" core
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(Closeups cause i'm proud of this ok)
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setmeatopthepyre · 6 months ago
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🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧
this took a little while, but I knew I wanted to write this scene especially for you and needed a little time to think about how to approach it. so here's a whole bunch of antarct-fic, just for you! this uh. got a little long.
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It takes some time for Buck to get settled in, find his way around, discover the Skype stations, figure out the difference in timezones between Los Angeles and New Zealand-slash-McMurdo, and find a moment when the Skype stations aren't all occupied that also works for Maddie and Chim – but he gets there.
“-And so Brooke's walking in ahead of me, right? And she freezes -- No, Chim, not literally, haha, very funny – and she marches right up to Bucky, and keep in mind, Brooke is like, 5 foot, max, and Bucky is at least a foot taller – and she demands to know where Larry went. And that's when the rest of us realize, holy shit, Larry is gone. Just. Gone. Not a trace.”
Maddie and Chim are on screen, staring at him like they're expecting a punchline, and Buck realizes he may have skipped over a little bit of necessary context.
“Right, so, Bucky was the only one in the kitchen, because he was just there to get some of the baking prepared and to jump in if any of the people coming off night shift needed anything--”
“Wait, so this kitchen has a Bucky and a Buck?” Chimney asks, balancing a squirmy Jee on his knee. Maddie raises her eyebrows at him, like she had other questions, but--
“Oh! Yeah. Right, so. I'm Evan.”
Maddie squints at him. “We know you are.”
“At the station. Uh. This station. At McMurdo – or Mactown, as Katie calls it, but really, there's so many nicknames –uh. I'm Evan. Here. Because there were already a few Bucks, and, well, a Bucky. One of the Bucks also works in the galley, which is already confusing enough with a Bucky right there, you know? So I'm just. Just Evan, here.” He frowns a little, wondering if any of that made any sense. Or maybe the connection just froze up again?
“Wow,” Maddie says slowly, carefully. “How do you... feel about that?”
He takes a second to think about it. “It's... a little weird. But not in a bad way? It's kind of... nice. Like-- like I'm a new person? I know that's probably dumb--”
“No, Buck, that's not dumb,” Maddie says quickly, and she's smiling, and Chim's expression has softened as well, matching Maddie's. It makes warmth spread in Buck's chest, though it's followed closely by something achy settling in his stomach.
“I miss you,” he confesses.
Maddie's eyes are a little wet. “We miss you too. And Jee misses her uncle Buck. Or- should we say uncle Evan?”
Buck huffs a laugh, and that heaviness dissipates, at least a little bit. “No, no, uncle Buck is-- that's good. I'm still getting used to people I don't know calling me Evan. So.”
“Buck it is,” Maddie smiles, and he can feel her warm affection even across the continents between them.
“Well this is a beautiful little moment,” Chimney says, aiming for teasing but failing miserably due to how his whole face is crinkled into a smile. “But back to the story, uncle Buck," and Jee-yun echoes Uncle Buck!, slightly muffled, from somewhere just out of frame. Her pink-legginged legs kick into view a second later, just barely missing Maddie's face.
Buck takes a minute to enjoy the happy little family wrestling on his screen. That ache is back. He's fairly sure it's homesickness, and isn't it weird that he isn't sure he's ever really felt that before? He's missed the vague concept of home before – usually in the form of Maddie, when she was back in Boston – but never really in this way, where he can point to a place on a map where his people, his family are, and miss them.
Well, most of his people.
One of them is right here where Buck is. If he still wants to be. His people, that is. His person.
He clears his throat. “Right. So. Uh. Where was I?”
“You were talking about someone who went missing?” Maddie prompts.
“Uh. Right! Yes. Larry. So Brooke, obviously, immediately assumed Bucky had something to do with it--”
“Wait, I'm confused,” Maddie interjects straight away. “If Bucky was the only one who was supposed to be in the kitchen, how did Brooke know Larry was missing?”
“Oh, good point, detective,” Chimney says, then winces when Jee lets out a loud squeal right next to his ear. Maddie grimaces in sympathy at the same time Buck does.
“Oh, because Larry is always in the kitchen,” Buck explains.
“Always? How?” Chim asks, looking seriously at the screen while Jee giggles and squirms in his lap, one of Chim's hands clasped over her mouth. He raises his hands in dramatic mock surrender when she starts snapping her teeth at him.
“Didn't I say?” Buck frowns. “Larry's our mascot.”
Maddie sputters. “Larry's not a person?”
“No? One of the overwinters a couple of years ago made him out of the cutlery that got chewed up in the dishwasher, and the galley crew just... keeps adding to him.”
“You're telling me you have some sort of... cutlery homunculus named Larry watching over your kitchen?”
“Well, not anymore," Buck points out. "That's the problem. He's gone.”
There's a silence in which both Maddie and Chimney take a second to process this new information, and then Chim's getting up to fix Jee a snack and get her set up with some coloring sheets, and Maddie tells him about her latest check-up and how everything is still looking good with the pregnancy, and that they're debating if they want to know the gender ahead of time or not. It isn't until a little later, when Chimney comes back into view and Buck is fairly sure he's maxing out his time at the Skype station, that Maddie broaches the subject he'd kind of been hoping he'd gotten away with avoiding.
“So, while learning about your-- uh, Larry? – is fun, what we really want to know is... how did things go with Tommy?” She's smiling kindly, being gentle about it, so very Maddie, but Buck's leg is shaking enough to make the screen move a little and he needs to consciously force his jitters to a halt.
“Uh. It hasn't. Yet?”
“What do you mean?” Chimney asks, offering Maddie a slice of apple with peanut butter. Apparently Jee isn't the only one who got snacks.
“We haven't really talked yet,” Buck admits.
“Okay, so you haven't talked-talked yet. But how did he react?”
Buck shifts in his seat. “React when?”
“How did he react when he saw--” Chimney stops mid-word and mid-chew. “Now wait a second, Buckley. Tommy hasn't seen you yet, has he?”
And fine, maybe Buck bristles a bit. “Well, it's not like--”
Maddie interrupts him, momentarily saving him from having to think up some flimsy defense on the spot. “Hold on, you've been there a week, and... Buck, does Tommy even know you're there?”
Buck dips his head, wonders if he can fake connection issues, but he knows the guilt of cutting their call short would probably eat him alive. “Maybe,” he mumbles instead. “I don't know. Probably not?”
Honestly, Buck thinks, the news that Larry got kidnapped – cutlerynapped? homunculusnapped? – should be way more shocking than the fact that, okay, maybe he has been avoiding Tommy just a little bit. Just until he, you know, figures out what to do, what to say. But Maddie and Chim are gaping at him as if he's just admitted he's decided to move in with the nearest penguin colony and leave his human life behind.
It's almost a relief, then, when a woman taps him on the shoulder and asks him if he's okay to wrap up soon so she can talk to her husband before he has to leave for his night shift. Buck wraps up their call, promising pictures of penguins for Jee as soon as possible, no time to explain that he needs to follow some sort of training before he's allowed off-base, but he can tell them about that next time. Whenever that next time is.
That achy feeling lingers, even after he hangs up.
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[make me write]
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mel-tokio · 7 months ago
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so, uh, protip for anyone who has a cat who likes to mysteriously poof from existence: check your box spring to see if there's a hole in it
signed, someone who just had a solid 15-minute freakout session until she found her naughty bastard son's secret hiding place
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skyflarepup030 · 1 month ago
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This shattered glass lookin D-16 pic tho... I drew it cuz no reason :)
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I'm scared to draw real human teeth... (i'm not a fan of those)
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superdillin · 6 months ago
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There is an opposite to the rage-bait influencer when it comes to certain media. If you feel absolutely out of your mind because every influencer is violently defending a certain IP that you believe to be very flawed (or even harmful) - the answer is very rarely that you are imagining things. Influencers or other kinds of media creators who have tied their income to someone else's IP will often find themselves backed into a corner and feel they have to defend it for fear that they might lose it. You'll see this with D&D, with Dragon Age, Marvel, truly so many things. If you make entertainment media of any kind, for your own mental health I beg you to diversify your content early and often. Do not become dependent on someone else's one media property to find success. It will be a nightmare to maintain and also it makes you act pretty cringe. ((I'm not talking out of my ass here, I was stuck in D&Dfluencing for a while and I almost got truly trapped in it. There are other paths. You can be many things instead of one. Virality is fun but a sustainable audience is much, much healthier))
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gideonisms · 8 days ago
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Why do they always want me to train baby employees. What have I ever done that indicated I have good communication skills. My main communication skill is just shutting up when I see someone make an expression that indicates I'm talking wrong
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thelaurenshippen · 22 days ago
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I just wanted to drop a line to say thank you for sending a response to everyone who sent in a casting submission to let them know the outcome even if it was that you're not moving forward. I've had so many inquiries and auditions sent out that feel like just shouting into the void. I was not expecting a response knowing how many people would have sent in, and would have had no qualms with that, but to get a thoughtful and kind rejection genuinely showed so much class, respect, and consideration. It says so much about the way you operate. So excited to hear you've assembled a cast you're excited about, and cannot wait to hear the show.
oh gosh, this is SO nice, thank you!!! I know from experience just how frustrating it is to never hear back and certainly have gotten too overwhelmed in the past to respond to everyone, but I'm really trying to streamline my casting process so that everyone does get a response. I'm glad that it brings some peace of mind :)
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