#i've attempted to explain this to my therapist and i guess he was able to understand enough to diagnose us with both DID and DD

[thetangibleghost]

uhg. I ran out of tags. but like what i mentioned in the last post is something that happens in our system a TON. like Certain "lier" alters will target (usually young) alters who are more trusted in the system and try to get them to believe lies. Usually things about them selves that make the seem like they have special knowledge or are "larger" than the system. I'm sure sometimes this comes from a place of genuine delusion from the Delusional Disorder but other times I don't think it is.

This Sailor Moon thing with Sal I feel like illustrates it really well. They'll usually guess about some information (the ending of sailor moon) that the target alter (me but I'm awesome :3) is interested in. They're pretty good at this usually like, they establish what you know, find some common ground and then claim that they have some sort of special knowledge, but that you have to help them 'figure it out' or 'unlock it'. Then they just kinda make you do their bidding. They also usually want you to spread the info around. I think the goal is to try and like "take over" the system evil dictator style.

These lies seem, for the most part, separate from the delusions?

A really common one they'll go for is trying to convince another alter that they know another language. I think that one is usually delusion based and it always falls apart pretty quickly lol.

Usually these lier alters are next to impossible to deal with and we try and keep them as far away from us as possible. The exceptions being Becca, Truck, Sal/Friday, and Beck.

I find this issue really hard to articulate and this is the first time I've actually gotten it down really. so that's fun!

[chaosdisorganized]

These past few weeks have been rough. I haven't been able to find any work this week except for one day which means my next paycheck won't be nothing at least but still be very little and me and my boyfriend have to somehow scramble for money to try to make rent. We fortunately have a week grace period on rent so we at least have a week after the 1st to come up with the money and we get paid weekly so hopefully I'm able to at least get full time hours next week.

Due to all the free time I have and extra spoons I got from not working as much, I've actually been able to get some cleaning and laundry done, I didn't get as much done as I had hoped but it's better than what it was at least. So that's a positive.

On the system side of things though it's been rough. I mean because of this whole financial issue we've obviously been very depressed. On top of that we've been getting triggered a lot more than usual and I'm not sure what's the cause and it's just been a whole mess. We've also been dealing with some recently discovered eps that have a very unhealthy and toxic relationship with each other which makes us feel very uncomfortable and some of us feel shameful for having these parts in the system so I won't talk about it much it's just been another whole mess. Eps have been around a lot lately which I mean makes sense I think with everything else going on but it can be stressful having them around and I feel bad for feeling that way and it's a whole thing. Anyways yeah its been a mess. And after getting that out of the way I also wanted to talk about positive updates: not all the anps have been discovered and found and that might take some time anyways and there's some alters who are like undetermined because anp/ep labels can be kind of confusing when applying it to certain alters but a missing anp started popping up again and he's still really distant from the rest of the group but he came back from whatever and has talked to us a few time so progress yes? We're learning more about how we're structured everyday and simultaneously being confused by it. I would attempt to explain the layers and subsystems and inner world structure but uhh I can hardly explain it to my therapist and it's pretty convoluted and a lot is still undiscovered and inaccessible. So uh yeah thats an update I guess.

[whiskehorange]

Hey guys, this is more of a serious post than anything else on my page, but if you could give it a read I'd really appreciate it.

I'm going to attempt to keep this as short as I can and I'm willing to answer any questions you guys have but I'll try to explain the best I can. I didn't want to do this but I have no one to turn to at this point.

As some of you know, I struggle really badly with mental health and my own self-image and it's been this way since I was very young. My anxiety has been getting worse and become an everyday hassle instead of primarily social. A lot of older adults in your life will tell you what you can do to "fix" your problems even when they shouldn't have a say, which we all know is pretty harmful within itself. I've been struggling the worst with depression and anxiety lately. A lot of really close people in my life are either extremely toxic, have passed, or have left me on a whim. The people physically "close" to me I don't have connections with to talk about these things and there's only so much my therapist a new psychiatrist (yay!) can take in every week or so.

As some of you know I also do have a boyfriend as well and that I live in Maryland. Since these last few months he has gone back down to Florida and is essentially "stuck" down there for a while, which only aids to my loneliness. My anxiety has kept me from getting things such as my permit & license, an ID at that, a job, and a lot of shit that is needed at my age, especially for being a young adult. I've been slowly improving in pushing myself thankfully although the terror is frustratingly dehumanizing. Thankfully I have been able to get this psychiatrist by myself but the biggest problem was visiting my boyfriend.

Long story short: My boyfriend is going to be in Florida for many more months to come to take advantage of the financial stability down there when he was originally supposed to be home Halloween night -November 3rd. I didn't and couldn't go down there because I do not tolerate nor like his family and the way they treat me/my boyfriend and I also have therapists/new doctors that couldn't go out of state and pets I didn't want to haul 15 hours in a car. With him going to be gone for so much longer than I can handle I can't decide if I should go or not. Especially not being mentally stable enough to take care of myself let alone generate another set of income for us yet,

I was wondering if you guys would be open to me starting commissions?

It's a quick way for me to make something to take down with me and not feel like such a worthless piece of shit or make money while I'm there to pay for my meds and maybe pay out of pocket for therapy sessions if I need to. I'm struggling so badly mentally and financially and have no one here to rely on to even help just take me where I need to go without feeling like I'm asking too much of people. At this point I'm living day to day and can barely afford to help pay for food to put in the house aside for what we're going to eat for that night.

I just need to know if commissions for personal writings and whatnot if something you guys would even take from me. I won't be doing too many at a time so I don't overwork and stress myself out and take forever to do them. I have no other option but to ask, I guess.

[nerdygaymormon]

I'm... scared... of your blog. It goes against a whole lot of what I was taught to believe and follow growing up. But, at the same time, I've been hurt deeply by that... doctrine... and I've only just begun to see and understand the extent of that damage. So... what if this is what my wounded and weeping soul has been searching for... since I can't pick up any "official text" without having a violent physical reaction that is drowning in pain and fear? 1/?

I can't even get near a chapel or temple without reacting. And I can't bring myself to confide in any of my local bishopric or ward members. As a result, I've been suffering alone. I know I need therapy because this is some deep, messed up shit, but I have not been able to find a compassionate professional and I'm not want to continue the search. I've neither the funds nor the energy. 2/?

I'm 34yo born and raised in the Church. Three years ago I experienced something that made me question heavily whether Gd still loved me because I for sure felt damned. And that event caused the floodgates to open, I suppose. I've not been active for years due to chronic illness and being treated like some sort of sub-human because of my disability. I used to maintain a current temple recommend but not anymore. 3/?

I think I'm asexual. And the more and more I think about this, the more and more it explains some aspects of me that I thought were broken. (No desire to date as a teen, no feelings of sexual attraction to anyone, confusion about terms like "infatuation" and "crush", confused and disgusted by sex and the world's obsession with it.) But, at the same time, the more and more I grew to like this term, the worse my feeling of being Rejected by Gd became. 4/? 

But, even before I adopted the term, I began to feel unwanted and damned because of a history of attempted molestation at 5 years old and being taught that I was 'chewed gum' amongst other doctrines that insisted that my every decision and move was responsible for the sexual purity of the male mind. I felt violated in almost everything that I wore that I felt "pretty" in because I was under the belief I was a walking sin. 5/?

I say I'm scared of your blog... yet I read through several posts last night, body shaking and nauseous with fear and guilt. And here I am, unloading in your askbox because I'm so desperate for someone to talk to who won't judge me like I've been judged all my life. The last time I went to church, I ran out of Sacrament in tears, hyperventilating in my car for several minutes. I have not been back since. 6/?

I want to believe that I'm still loved. I want to believe that I'm still wanted. There is a vicious war going in within me, complicated by chronic and mental illness, that I've lost my sensitivity concerning Gd. I can't tell if or when He's talking to me because the constant anxiety, fear and pain drown out the more 'subtle' emotions. And the maladaptive coping mechanisms I've developed likely don't help either... 7/?

Thank you for listening... if you have anything insightful that you think might help, I'd like to read it. (I hope all these messages stayed anonymous...) 8/8

———————————————————————

Wow, the feels. You said so much. I recognize you’re in a hard place. 

—————————  

Don’t worry, you managed to stay anonymous. I know when sending multiple asks it’s to forget to push the anon option.

—————————  

Congrats on figuring out you are asexual (ace). 

I think discovering a lack of something is difficult. There’s all these hints along the way but then once you figure it out, it all makes sense, everything fits.  

Don’t be afraid to change your labels. We use words to describe how we understand ourselves. If the way you understand yourself changes, it’s fine to change your labels. 

—————————  

Having a chronic illness can be difficult, it can take over a life as you organize things around it. Having a disability also can be challenging, especially if it’s one that is visible to others because they often view you as your disability. 

The thing is, you have a personality that wants to be displayed, I can tell that just from these messages you sent me. As people spend time with you and get to know you, they will start seeing you and not your disability. 

—————————  

Things that you described about your feelings and reactions make me believe therapy would help. I’m no mental health professional, but I wonder if you have have the symptoms of PTSD (church caused you trauma) and an anxiety disorder. 

If you have insurance that will cover some sessions, look for a provider that takes your insurance. If you don’t, I know that therapy can be expensive. 

About 2 years ago I needed to see a therapist and I checked at my local university. They had a psychological services clinic where Ph.D. students could gain experience, so the price was reduced, and my therapy was overseen by professors who are up-to-date in their field.  

If you can’t get to therapy now, and if you want to go to church, it helps a lot to have someone you know that can go with you, like a security blanket. It makes it less scary to enter that space. 

If you don’t have someone like that, try contacting the missionaries, explain you haven’t been to church in a while but want to come back. They will be so happy to greet you in the lobby and have you sit with them. And if you want, they will introduce you around to others. 

—————————  

Tbh, I was very surprised at how you describe my blog. I didn’t realize someone would view it the way you did. 

It’s true that I think our church is wrong on LGBTQIA+ topics. This is because of a few things:

1) I feel the spirit let me know that God loves me as I am, a gay man, and that I’m not broken. This is how I’m meant to be. 

2) What we learn about our Heavenly Parents and how they love us and are fair and just, and they treat us the same and view humankind as alike. I can’t believe they would set up a whole group of their children to fail and not have a path to return to them.

3) Jesus stood with those who were on the margins, He spent time lifting others and taught us that real religion is helping others, especially those who are downtrodden and on the margins. 

4) The Church doesn’t show LGBTQIA+ people as a part God’s Plan. The Church doesn’t know what to do with us. And it’s not a good space for queer people so most LGBTQIA+ members leave. This is not good fruit and it’s not what I think God would want, for whole groups of people to not feel welcomed.

I don’t reject the principles of the gospel, I want them to apply to all of us, even me, a gay man, and even you, an asexual woman. We are beautiful, we have a purpose, we deserve to be accepted and have joy. 

I guess that is rebellious and dangerous because it challenges the Church’s narrative about people like you and me. 

I let people in church tell me terrible things and for so long I believed them. I don’t anymore. 

Refusing the shame that church gives us as queer people, that’s radical. Church is supposed to help us be better, not wear us down. 

You can love yourself and be happy as ace. This is part of how God made you, you don’t have to deny this is how you experience life. 

—————————

What are your goals? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like? 

My psychologist used to have me write what I would like my life to be like, and then we made goals to start doing those. 

You are capable of change. 

This is your life. 

God has given you talents. We’re not supposed to hide them under a bushel. Work on developing them and developing yourself. 

You are your own longest investment. Investing in yourself is a gift to the world, it’s how we develop ourselves and increases our capacity to help others.

—————————

I hope you feel I understood what you were trying to say to me. 

I also hope I gave you some things to think about, to ponder, and figure out what feels right to you.