#im always curious as to how his esteem issues developed I dont think its as simple as 'society' bc hes pretty accomplished in the context o

[deus-and-the-machina]

hythlodaeus be like "teehee I hope I can be of some use" *clean headshot* 😊

bitch they wanted you for the aether-centric governmental position I know you think your curmudgeony cunt husband is amazing but stop selling yourself short its a slippery slope to sacrificing yourself to make god smh

[jess-oh]

Reflection

so

it is monday and i missed my reflection for yesterday since i stayed up late last night but i got some things i want to discuss. this has been something that ive been noticing but today....was interesting. bc i was so casual about it

i say that ive been trying to stop cussing and yet, i still do it so freely in order to fit in with the culture here. the people from my work in the snapchat group i realize are super spoiled. it’s hard to even get a job and we should all be grateful to have one at all. and i understand it’s an on campus job but the fact that we even have the opportunity to work on homework at all is amazing and we should be grateful for that. we arent entitled to that right. it’s an opportunity(?). thats not the right word but im sure future jessica will know what im trying to get at. but yeah. ive been called to be more loving and affectionate and live out Christ who lives in me but I can’t do that if I’m living with the world. I have to be brave enough to go against it. I think that staff has become too chill with us and while I admit that I added into the chaos last semester after Natalie left, I do think things have gotten a lot better this year. And there are probably a bunch of people that really need a job and wouldn’t take them for granted like we are now. But we’ve developed a kind of culture where its power to the workers and not the staffers when they are just as miserable as we are. we need to be more understanding and forgiving and actually do our job instead of slacking off all the time. we really have become a place where we go to to have fun instead of to work and i feel like that’s gotta change. and i will admit that i am afraid of being rejected for standing up and raising awareness and trying to shift our habits. but i dont want to complain anymore. it makes me sound so spoiled. it makes me give into my more spoiled tendencies, moreso. it sucks and while i do feel empowered, i dont need to put other people down in order to make myself feel better. I know who I am and the good work that Christ is using me for. And I want to continue to do that. 

Tess mentioned how everyone loves me so no one can yell at me and honestly, I think that made my head blow up and have this need to please everyone bc I already am. But I didn’t care about being on gr9 terms with everyone before so why should that change anything now? If anything, it puts the power in my hands to actually make a cultural shift at my work.

I was going to listen to music earlier but I don’t have working earbuds at the moment and I just wasnt in the mood so I didnt and I did some thinking instead. And I realized that I’m losing sight of who I am because I’m starting to compromise my beliefs. Like in graphic design today, I talked about drinking and partying so casually and thats a huge 180 from how on fire I was to get involved with the church just yesterday. And I was very aware of it but I also did nothing to stop it. It was like my mind and my mouth were two different entities and were going at their own pace instead of working together. And I do want to be more vigilant and I do want to be more aware and outspoken. But at the same time, I do think this is a really hard battle to fight on my own. I do need accountability and I would reach out to Angela or Jason but I was really turned off by the things that she said at the tea party and Jason is just developing his faith and I want act more like a leader for him. But then I look at people like Johnathan who is by far the most in tune with God out of any of us and yet, he is so humble and doesn’t see himself in that light. He is truly a man of God and just cares about serving Him and His Kingdom. And I think that’s really admirable. I don’t know him super well yet but I am really looking forward to working with him this coming year along with next year. 

I like feeling happy and high off of life and just so fueled by the Spirit that I want to do better. I do miss the mission field and I do miss serving. But I’ve definitely slipped since then. I was always a little upset bc no one from Lakeview actually made an effort in trying to get me to come out. If I just said, “I’m not coming” they would leave it at that and I understand that theyre doing it out of respect for privacy but I feel like people need that push to come out sometimes. Angela can get super defensive and I don’t know if that’s a result of self esteem or something deeper but it really discourages me from getting involved or saying anything at all. And I know that I should tell her and be bold for Christ but it is pretty intimidating. And I really do believe my self esteem has gotten a lot better since high school but I still stumble and falter at times—especially when it comes to spending time at Sa-Rang which is why I almost don’t want to return. I do want to get to a place where I just don’t care about what they have to say or how they might judge me and I don’t think I’m there yet. I’m making progress but I’m not there yet. And I’m starting to be okay with not going home for the summer. Partly because there is a part of me that’s afraid of returning to place where no one cares about who I am but mostly because I’m not so afraid of missing anything anymore. If need be, I will fly in during the school year to be with my family. And I’m losing my attachments to Andrew and Sofia. The three of us have been talking daily and it’s been great getting to know them on a deeper level but they’re definitely not my closest friends anymore. Maybe that’s it. I’ve kind of lost my closest friends. Of course, I still feel comfortable coming to them with issues but it’s not the same. For a time it was Sharlene but then she got busy and I don’t blame her for that at all because it happens. It’s just that my current situation kind of sucks. And I think the right thing to do is to seek refuge in my friends who also follow Christ and be encouraged to really live out a life that is worthy of Him. I think He is an integral part of my life and I don’t think I am doing enough. I am starting to mention my personal belief system with Andrew and Sofia and I think they are actually curious about Christianity and I hope that God is moving within them and I hope that I can trust Him enough to just use me and bring them to Christ and share how great His love is for us. I was thinking about “Why” by Nicole Nordeman earlier and I think so often, we just pass over the weight of how much Christ sacrificed for our sins and our sake. Knowing full well that we would leave Him and spit in His face and pretend to not know Him. Jesus was literally betrayed by his closest peers and had to suffer such extreme physical and mental torment while still standing for God. And I think that’s a life we’re all called to live. Yesterday we learned about the Great Commission and honestly, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention because I already try and live out the Great Commission and have already come to an understanding how we are always on the mission field. I do want to back out there and I would love to go on a long term mission trip if God calls me to go but if I can’t even stand up for Him in the comfort of my own home then how will I even hope to live boldly for Him during extreme circumstances and in a land so foreign for so long? The reason change doesn’t happen is because no one calls attention to the problem but it’s something that definitely needs to be done. I’ve overcome my depression and I am still afraid of being judged but I am getting better. Something that I’m actually really curious about is whether or not committing suicide is a sin and if so, then why? And I think a part of me did want to ask this question on Friday but I was worried that they would think I’m feeling suicidal and see me in a totally different light but hey, I’ve been there and I want to help those around me that are there in the future. And honestly, I don’t know if this is just me assuming but if I was suicidal, I don’t think any of them would know how to help. I think they would just give me my space and leave it at that and hope that I would get better. I don’t know if they would really care. And that’s pretty disheartening but I was definitely called to serve here and that’s what I intend on doing. I will go out of my way to invest into the people around me and do what I can in the situation that God has placed me in. I will.