#im not okay with how much i melt from kudos and comments

[bookie-bookdust]

going thru ur blog on a rough night and smiling as the anxiety jitters slowly melt away (u said u were worried u scared me off but rlly i’m so scared i’ll scare u off like)

thank u for being a safe space, for posting/reblogging reminders about fandom etiquette, for sharing ur beautiful creations (i said it b4 ill say it again) and also for lowkey encouraging engagement! i agree wholeheartedly with your post ab creating 4 yourself, and not 4 validation, but i just mean how kind and receptive you are when ppl do interact with you!

unfortunately, i was a silent reader for most of my existence— still giving kudos and things of that nature, but i was so scared of… for lack of better words and since it’s late where i am, i’m gonna stick with what u said the other day— scared of scaring the author/creator with my excitement etc etc. or scared i would say smth wrong, come off wrong etc. it prevented me from making friends in the fandoms that i was a part of, and i feel like i missed out on that sense of community bc of it.

it wasn’t until i was on the other end that i rlly understood how much engagement meant (no matter how big or small), and it wasn’t until i came across ur tumblr and another author’s tumblr that i realised how important engagement rlly is. (i swear i don’t live under a rock, there was maybe just a decently sized pebble over my head)

i was originally going to just send u that first lil paragraph, but then i got carried away 🥲 sorry i seem to be making a habit of sending u long asks 😭 and i apologise(but also don’t apologise?) in advance for all of the comments i will be leaving on ur future posts and when i finally catch up on ssfs i will not shut up (im being dramatic, i won’t spam u or anything LMAO)(it’s my own self induced exposure therapy, but just know i mean every comment i send with my whole chest)

anyways, i’ll scream it to the mountaintops, ur amazing, ur inspiring and i’m so grateful that i get to see a glimpse into ur breathtaking lil worlds. ♡

p.s. as i said previously, it’s late where i am so i hope this all makes sense 🥲

Awwwww you're so sweet. Thank you🥺🥺💙💙

Listen I've always been a lurker myself. Doing all this was my own exposure therapy too LOL because I became a hermit over the last few years and had to reset myself. Engagement is so important in fandom but also speaking from experience - don't burn yourself out with it either. Set boundaries. You don't have to carry it all on your back. If you don't have the energy to engage, you don't have to all the time!

I get what you mean though - don't be afraid of creators (or influencers or celebrities for that matter because we're all just meat bags with brains and bones. Lets be honest lol. No one is actually that important - no matter how they might act). Some people may not answer (either because they missed the notification, they're too busy, shy themselves, or are weird or whatever idk), and sometimes you'll come across some not very nice people too, but that's their own problem. I lurked in HL from the beginning myself before I decided to post something. Sometimes I regret not biting the bullet and showing up sooner, but it happened the way it was supposed to happen. Your love and excitement is appreciated at any point in the game, and you get to meet some lovely people along the way too!

Ultimately, if it's fun, enjoy yourself and engage. When it's no longer fun, pressure wash it all down, give yourself a break, and go back to what you loved about it to begin with. Fandom is our escape away from the real world, so don't pressure yourself in the social experiment too hard or you'll get a bad hangover😅😂 (I need to take my own advice tbh hahahhahaha).

Thank you so much for the message. You are so so kind 💙💙💙 And it's okay that you went hard on the yapping. I do it all the time clearly hahahaha

[ehstarwar]

a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves (2/8)

It was… an awful abuse of friendship that would more than likely be refuted immediately and cause a riff in the friend group.

But…

It was Ben. He would do this for her. He made her promise him, anyways.

-

Rey holds up her end of the deal with Ben and asks him for help.

-

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 4K

Read on AO3

Notes: threw in a lil spice with this chapter to show my gratitude for how wonderful u all are 

໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७

(also i'm shit at getting back to comments, but just know i will totes respond to you all and i would also die for all my commenters and kudos-ers. now back to ur regularly scheduled ABO)

Chapter 2: that breathes upon a bank of violets

-

Ben glared down at his now empty plate, while another champagne flute was placed before him. His mother continued to prattle on about her latest endeavors in the senate, but Ben was having a hard time focusing. He knew he should be listing to his mother; after everything he put her through, it was the least he could do, but his mind was elsewhere. Someplace not too far away, probably just waking up in a ratty old band t-shirt, smelling like all the good things in this world. 

“… Then he told me that I was only four votes down when I actually thought I was three votes ahead, so if he hadn’t tried to make a pompous ass of himself, he probably would have won- Benjamin? Hello? Are you with me?” Leia waves a hand in front of his face, snapping him from a train of thought that was not suitable for Sunday brunch with his mother.

“What? Oh, sorry. You were talking about Senator Sion, I think?” Ben says. Leia side-eyes him, taking a sip of her mimosa. 

“You’ve been distracted all morning and keep staring at me like you want to throw your eggs at my face. What’s going on?” She asks, motherly concern coloring her voice. Ben sighs, knowing that lying will only come back to bite him in the ass.

“You fought to end the suppressant mandate on omegas, what, a few months ago?” He asks, already knowing the answer.

“This is about politics?” She questions, giving him a disbelieving look.

“You realize that now insurance doesn’t have to cover suppressant coverage any more because of this, right?”

Leia sighs. “We knew it would be a side affect, that the lesser organizations would use it to capitalize off diminishing coverage. We weighed the risk and rewards and felt that it was still worth fighting for. We’re working with Planned Parenthood to be able to distribute suppressants to omegas who still want it, but it’s a war. Victories don’t always come easy.” Leia explains. Ben runs a hand through his hair.

“You don’t think the risk outweighs the reward? Omegas have a hard time getting good jobs with decent insurance, as is. If they can’t afford suppressants, it just makes their life harder.”

“All of this and more has been discussed with various political advisors who know quite a bit more than alphas like you and I, Ben. We made out decision on what to support. It would be hypocritical for us to tout that alphas don’t need to be on blockers but measly little omegas need suppressants. If you wanted to fight about political derivatives, we should have met in my office. No cutlery to throw at each other there,” She huffs. 

When Ben stays silent, not knowing how to continue this conversation without turning it into a fight, Leia concedes. 

“Did something happen? Do you know someone…?” She asks. Ben nods. “Who?”

“Rey,” He admits. Leia’s eyes go wide in understanding and she relaxes in her seat, inwardly pleased that she finally understands what’s going on.

“Rey is off suppressants because her insurance stopped covering them and now you having harder time concealing your feelings.” Bens’ eyes snapped up to his mother, before he began sputtering retorts.

“What are you- I don’t know- That’s not even, What? I don’t have feelings for Rey! It’s just… a problem and I know that I’m indirectly a cause of that and I feel bad. But not because I’m… I have… nothing. I feel bad for her, is all.” Leia just quietly laughed to herself, only fueling Bens’ discomfort. 

“Oh, please, Ben! I used to have to beg you just to know your friends name. You and Tai were friends for six years before I even knew he existed! Then, you meet Rey and introduce her to me after a week of knowing her. A week, Ben!” Leia says.

Ben just continues to mutter intelligible things under his breath.

“It’s okay for you to like her, Ben. I’d be worried if you didn’t. She’s a great girl. The whole family loves her.” Leia’s attempts to comfort her son serve only to embarrass him further. Like Ben didn’t already have the less-than-inconspicuous seal of approval from Grandma Padmé, and the constant jibes from Uncle Luke about how Rey ‘balances’ Ben out’. He hates that he loves it so much. That he needs it at all.

“If I… If I say anything to her now, she’ll think it’s just because she’s not on suppressants. She’ll think of me as just another knot-driven alpha who forgot to take his blockers.” Ben’s quiet admission sobers his mother up for a moment. 

“You’ll just have to convince her otherwise,” Leia presses, earning a humorless chuckle from Ben. 

“And how do I do that? I’m not exactly the most eloquent when it comes to women…. or people in general, really.” His mother snorts.

“You think I don’t know that?”

He narrows his eyes, and Leia puts her hands up in surrender.

“You’ll just have to… be there. For her. Whatever she needs. That’s the best place to start.”

-

When the number flashes across Rey’s screen, she knows it means trouble. Because she hasn’t had enough of that lately, evidently.

Inspection today. 

During normal work hours?

No. After.

Inspections take a lot of time. I can’t stay that late tonight.

No other option. Feel free to quit. 

Rey feels her insides boil. Her boss, Plutt knows her situation (despite her many attempts to keep it from him) and knows that quitting isn’t an option. Her fist balls as the thinks of what ‘inspections’ entails. 

Any normal work place with  a proper Human Resources department would call it an employee evaluation, but not Plutt. No, his ‘inspection’ consist of going through all of the work Rey has done over the last few months, noting only the complaints of vehicle not properly fixed, unsatisfied customers who didn’t like that an omega was working on their stuff, and Plutt’s continued harassment of her character. It would break any normal person, even people stronger than she; but Rey wouldn’t be brought down by Trumps’ broke doppelgänger.

Rey wanted to quit, and she had typed up a two-week-notice more than once, but its not like she could easily find another job. An omega mechanic, with debt up to her ears, in the wrong part of the city wasn’t the most attractive to potential employers, and going without a job wasn’t an option. So she would endure the likely horrific forty minute attack on her person with a straight face, then treat herself to some of the half-priced sushi from the drugstore around the corner.

The most daunting of all this was the fact that she would be in Plutts’ office, alone, well into the evening. He’d never tried anything on her, but he did tout his alpha status around enough that he was very aware she was an omega. 

And now, an omega without suppressants.

Rey thought of the pheromone sprays that she could take a few test sprays of, trying to put an alpha scent on her that would clog up the room and make Plutt want her out of there as soon as possible. But alpha sprays were hard to come by and usually did a piss-poor job of convincing others it was real. Only a real alpha scent would do the trick, and Rey’s lack of a love life gave her limited options.

Except, of course, for Ben. 

His rich, thick, melt-in-you-mouth, alpha scent that could bring back an omega from the brink of death would be perfect. If it made Rey feel like she was wrapped up in a warm blanket for the rest of the day, that was just an added bonus. 

But it’s not like she could ask Ben to do that. It was… an awful abuse of friendship that would more than likely be refuted immediately and cause a riff in the friend group.

But…

It was Ben. He would do this for her. He made her promise him, anyways. She texts him before she looses her nerve. 

i have a favor to ask

Shoot.

it’s a big favor 

…shoot?

you can say no if you want

i’d understand

Is everything okay? Are you in trouble?

Not trouble, per se, but a predicament 

Rey, I’m worried. What’s going on?

u remember my boss Plutt? he wants to have an 

inspection with me tonight and i’d be alone with him. 

he’s an alpha and…

u know my situation 

I’ll come stay with you during this inspection.

no, i don’t think that’d go well

Plutt can be… territorial

sometimes he’ll find a reason to refuse 

service to an alpha

i don’t want him to hurt u

I’d rather he try and hurt me than hurt you.

I’ll be with you. 

I will also help you look for a better job 

with a better employer.

i appreciate you for offering to do that, 

but i have an idea that could be better

and less likely to get us hurt

You quitting?

no

i think u should scent me

Um.

What?

scent me. 

surely you’ve scented someone before

I know what scenting someone is.

It’s just…

a little intimate. 

For people who aren’t dating.

yeah but we’ve know each other forever

i think it will be fine

that way i’d have your scent all over me at work

and Plutt will think i stink and cut the meeting short

that way he won’t try to hurt u and he

won’t try anything at the inspection!

its a win win

in my opinion

But you’d be covered in my scent.

yes benjamin that is precisely the point

You would have to smell me on you.

We would have to do this before 

you went into work and you’d smell like me 

until you could bathe.

i feel like ur not getting why im asking u

i WANT to smell like you

I don’t know if this is a good idea.

it is!

i’ll be able to keep my job and ward 

off my creepy boss

don’t not do it because of me

if you don’t want to do it, i understand

but don’t say no because ur worried about me

i meant what i said when i told you i can take 

care of myself

And I meant what I said when I

 told you to ask me for help.

I just kind of assumed it would be for

 literally anything else.

well

this is what im asking

Okay.

I’ll do it.

-

Reys’ palms were sweaty as she rode in the elevator up to Ben’s apartment. Part of her wanted to believe that she was nervous because she was dressed in greasy overalls that were two sizes too big for her, yet inside of a building where the median income was upwards of  seven figures. It had a fucking bellman. With gloves. 

She’d been here before, many times, but never on her way to work and never in anything less than her fanciest clothes. Rey knows Ben makes a lot of money, hotshot lawyer and all, and that he comes from money. But being inside of this building reminds her just what a difference of worlds they come from. And also that she’s asked someone who can afford to live here to do something a little scandalous. 

It’s not that she was nervous about smelling like him; that part she was looking forward to. It’s the actual act of scenting. Ben wasn’t editorializing when he said it was intimate. Scenting was a step down from a make out session, but not by much. Rey wishes the thought of doing this with Ben didn’t send a fresh wave of slick between her thighs. He would be able to smell her. He would never say anything, never want to embarrass her that way, but he would know. 

She tries not to think of that when she knocks on his door. It swings open moments later, to a frazzled looking Ben. He’s dressed for work, fancy slacks and crisp button down, and the stark reminder rings in her head again. She is also assaulted by how good he smells. It takes her a minute before she can speak.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” They stand in the doorway for an awkward second before Ben realizes he’s taking up the whole doorway and moves to let her in. Rey walks inside, instantly putting her ratty backpack on the ground by his couch. They say nothing to each other, just stare, waiting for the other to speak.

“This is weird,” Rey states. Not that it needs stating. “I feel bad, now. For having asked you. I shouldn’t have put this on you.” She sees him take a gulp before talking.

“I told you I’d help you if you needed it,” He reminds her. 

“I don’t think you had this in mind when you offered.”

“Not really. But I offered, so I’ll help. On one condition.” Rey cocks her head, narrowing her eyes at him.

“What?”

“The minute you find another job, a better job, you will leave this one. The minute, Rey.” 

It’s not what she was expecting him to say. But he wouldn’t be Ben if he did everything she suspects. She’s also not suspecting him to give such a command. A real one, alpha voice and all. It makes her shiver.

“I will,” She squeaks out, unable to say anything else. 

“Good.” His posture relaxes a bit and the wave of anger she felt the beginnings of, go away. They’re left standing together, silently. “So… how do you want to do this?” Ben asks.

“Um… I just figured we could hug? For like, a while. Being in you space is good because your scent will stick to my clothes too, so it doesn’t have to get so… touchy, if you don’t want.”

His jaw works.

“You think hugging will suffice?”

Rey shrugs.

“Its better than nothing. I don’t want to make you more uncomfortable than I already have.” 

“If we’re going to do this, I think we should be through. I don’t want you to have to go through this for nothing.”

Rey wants to say that just being able to smell him at all is reward enough, but there wasn’t time for that discussion. 

“Okay… so I’ll just…” She points to the barstool at his kitchen island, walks over to it and sits down. “If I’m on your things, it’s better. Sticks more.” She doesn’t know if its creeks in the building or a very low whine that Ben emits, but she ignores it.

He walks over to her, now seated on the stool, looking her up and down. Rey feels like she’s being appraised and really regrets her decision not to have washed her work clothes before coming over. His gaze is hot, and Rey thinks she’s panting harder with every step he makes towards her. 

“You’ll tell me if it’s too much. You’ll tell me to stop if you need me to.” Ben is between her legs now, having opened on the own volition. Rey manages to nod, and that’s enough for Ben. His hand comes to cup her jaw, and she instinctively leans into it. Her head lolls to the side, in his palm, as his face comes down to her neck. His nose rubs along her jaw, and she can feel his lips as they skirt along her pulse point. His other hand rest on the counter behind her, effectively trapping her in. 

Rey feels like putty. Ben’s scent is strong from across the room, but in her personal space? It’s suffocating. Her eyes close as she focuses all her attention on the way she can feel his stubble scrape along the sensitive skin of her under-jaw, and feels the faint pressure of his nose passing along her scent glands. He works himself slowly, leaving no skin untraced, before moving to the other side. He maneuvers her head to his other hand, before mirroring the same position they were in just a moment ago. She is glad she choose to sit; her knees would be useless.

His movements become more sure, tracing harder, and making Rey let out the most pathetic whimper she’s ever heard. Embarrassment instantly floods over her body, but before she can apologize, Ben growls. Literally growls. 

Suddenly his body is flush with hers, her thighs resting on the side of his hips. She feels his hand that isn’t holding her head move to grip her waist, digging his fingertips into the jean material covering her. She doesn’t realize her hands have worked their way to his abdominal muscles until she feels her hands tightly wind his shirt. 

His mouth traces along her scent glands, opening slightly, and she can feel his heavy breath on her skin. The first trace of his tongue on her glands makes Rey cry out, and involuntarily cant her hips into his. She feels his tongue, slick and hot, licking her then. Lavishing her glands in his saliva that made her head spin. Her heart beat was pounding, her ears rushing with blood. She could feel every part of him, his tongue, his hands, his lips, his hips. The growing hardness in his pants was pressed into her stomach as his hips rocked slightly in time with hers. 

When Rey snaps back into reality, she sees where this is going. And even though it physically pains her to stop him, she knows she has to. 

“Ben…” She whispers, his mouth still moving against her skin. “Ben,” She tries, voice a little surer now. He emits a low whine, making her stomach clench. Rey weaves her hand onto the side of his face before calling out again. “Ben.”

He stills then, body still flush against her, but mouth closed. She felt him pull back, not removing his hands, only lifting his torso so that they were looking at each other. His pupils are blown wide open, black covering the usual honeyed brown. His chest is heaving with his breath, and his mouth is slightly parted as he sucks in air. 

Rey feels something cool along her chin and realizes she’s been drooling, sliver running down her mouth in a thoroughly undignified manner. Her fingers quickly go to wipe it away and rub it into her clothes, but Ben takes her hand, covered in drool and sticks it into his mouth. 

His eyes close as she feels his tongue suck of any of the cool wetness, replacing it with saliva of his own. Rey keens and clenches her core. His tongue works around each digit, encircling all her fingers with his tongue. When Ben finishes his assault, he pulls her hand out of his mouth, but keeps it against his lips. His eyes are still closed as she feels the air from his nose one the wet surface of her hand.

Rey doesn’t dare move. She couldn’t if she wanted to. Ben is all around her, still between her legs, and she knows movement will mean brushing against the thickness she felt in his pants. A tickling sensation in her spine tells her that she doesn’t want to move. That beside this alpha is where she belongs and where she’ll be happy and where alpha will provide and-

It’s a lot. 

“Let me walk you to work.” Bens’ words are low, and send vibrations through her hand as he speaks, eyes still shut.

“What?” Rey is still a little breathless, but shock colors her voice. 

“I don’t think… I’m having a hard time… I can’t not be around you, right now. If I let you leave right now…” She feels the shiver that runs down his spine, “It wouldn’t be good. Especially since I know where you’re going.”

Rey can’t speak. She knew that alphas had a hard time letting go of omegas, even just for a few hours, but she’d always assumed that was for people who were mated. Not them, not after one scenting session, intensity notwithstanding. Rey gulps as she tries to find her voice.

“Okay… but we’ll stop a block away from the shop. I don’t want you to get into a territory fight with Plutt. I couldn’t…” bare to watch you get hurt. And I’m afraid I’d like it too much if you hurt him. 

“Don’t say another alphas name, right now… please.” His voice is pained and she can see the clenching in his jaw. She mumbles sorry’s as her thumb begins to trace his strong chin. 

When his eyes slowly reopen, they’re back to normal, the warm tones causing Rey to release a sigh of relief. They slowly detangle, and Rey tries to pretend she doesn’t see the bulge still in his crotch, and hopes that he couldn’t tell just how slick she had gotten. Rey excuses herself to the bathroom to clean up and give each of them a minute to collect themselves. 

She tries to wipe up the slick that ruined her underwear before splashing cool water on her still reddened cheeks. When she exits the bathroom, Ben is still close. It must be apart of the alpha sensation, being unable to part with their mate after being so… intimate. It warms parts of Rey that she didn’t even know existed. 

They are silent nearly the whole way there, but Ben is right next to her the whole way. He is never more than a breath away from Rey, unintentionally shielding her from the others they pass along the way. She can still feel him, the confusing mix of pheromones he’s giving off. There is only one she recognizes above all else: arousal.

She knows they’re a block away from work, not by the street corner, but the way Bens’ head snaps up when even the hint of Plutt makes itself known. After spending the whole morning inundated with Bens’ delicious smell, it nearly makes Rey retch. She feels Ben still at the opening of an alleyway and her body stops without her control. She looks back up at him, seeing the steely way his eyes rake over the street. He is unhappy and she doesn’t like it.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

“You shouldn’t work here. It’s a bad place. I don’t want you here.” She knows its his alpha talking. That Ben wouldn’t be this controlling, overbearing man, but it makes her mad nonetheless.

“You can’t control where I work, Ben. I’m sorry you don’t like it, but it’s my choice. Now, thank you for… doing what you did, but I can handle it from here.” Rey goes to walk off, but Ben stops her. His hand comes out to grip hers, not in a tight, jerking way, but in a soft way that that makes it hard to refuse. 

“I’m sorry… you’re right.” His eyes are downcast, but he keeps his hand on hers. She feels a little guilty for snapping at him; after all, she’s the reason he’s experiencing these emotions. 

“It’s okay… I’m sorry, too.”

They stand there for a moment, knowing that this is making them both late, but neither of them having the heart to move. 

“We have to go to work now,” Rey says quietly. Ben nods. “Can I… talk to you, later?” She asks.

“Of course,” He breathes. Rey lets their hands drop and goes to turn to work, but Ben calls out for her. 

“Rey, please be safe. I need you to be safe.” 

Rey should be more used to his intensity by now, but it still makes her shiver.

“I will.”

-

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