#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[sixela-sixela-sixela]

Sylus x reader

You have been working for Sylus for many years, in that time frame he has never shown you any bit of warmth. The most you have every gotten was a smile and even that was more of a smirk than anything.

Somehow you manage to grow feelings toward him in these years. Many may prove to differ by saying you're insane, but something about his snow-white hair and his muscled build just immediately drew you in.

You were currently on your way back from a mission with Luke and Kieran. Sylus tasked you to find out more information on some random rich guy he apparently made a deal with. Sylus didn't usually disclose much to you, he pretty much left you in the blind when it came to his business dealings. The mission was originally supposed to be solo, but Luke and Kieran insisted on tagging on long for whatever reason.

“The information I found out was actually useful,” you mumble to yourself smiling. You manage to steal some files on the guy apparently he imports protocores and evol weapons for Onychinus. But lately, he has been leaking information on Onychinus to various groups around the N109 zone. “It's safe to assume this information got back to Sylus and he wanted me to come and investigate for more confirmation,” you say, a light bulb instantly going off in your head.

Your hand was hovering over Sylus’s office door, it’s not that you weren't confident in the information you found out but for whatever you were also anxious to report back to him after a mission. It's not that you’re afraid of him but part of you wanted to impress him, so you always went above and beyond when it came to your missions.

“You did good on the mission,” you mumbled trying to console yourself. You knocked on the door waiting to hear a response.

You were going to knock again but you heard a response. “Come in.” When you heard his voice it just made you more anxious. You twisted the door knob and walk in to see him sitting at his desk looking over files. “Report,” he said blankly never looking up from his files.

“Mr. Burres has been selling Onychinus information to multiple groups around the N109 zone, he also has been harboring multiple Aethercores and is planning to auction them at a gallery next week.” you say blankly trying to sound more confident than what you are feeling. You put the file on his desk and wait for his response.

“Your dismissed,” he says in the same indifferent cold tone, still never glancing up from the file he's holding. You turn around and walk out of his office and closed the door behind you.

When finally out off his office you take a deep sign, not realizing you had been holding your breath. You walk towards the living area to take a seat and collect your thoughts.

“Did I say your do something wrong,” you sat overthinking not understanding why he was so cold to you this particular time. He was usually really short with you but this time he didn't even glance at you.

You were sitting on the sofa for about half an hour now. You decided to detract yourself from your thoughts and tried gather more information on Mr. Buress by researching on your phone. You knew it was useless but it was better than thinking about Sylus cold behavior towards you.

You were interrupted from your thought when you heard a set of footsteps approaching. You glanced up slightly to see Sylus walked with a Woman you've never seen before. The scene felt so surreal, Sylus was smiling as the Woman chatted about some random topic that had nothing to do with Onychinus or anything in the N109 zone for that matter. They walked into his office and closed to door behind them.

Seeing that shouldn't have bothered you as much as it did, you couldn't help but question why he didn't look at you like he looked at her. You tried to erase the thought from your head, trying to convince yourself maybe he wasn't interested in her, maybe he was just deceiving her to get information on something. His persona just a moment ago couldn’t be genuine. Could it? He’s certainly never acted that way around you.

Sylus had given you another assignment on another random guy that he had dealings with , who he suspected was working alongside Mr. Buress. You could barely focus on your mission from your mind wondering back to the woman you saw with Sylus yesterday. But nonetheless, you completed the mission and were able to get your hands on flies containing who Mr.Buress was in business with.

You knocked on his office door with your report, you waited for about a minute when you didn't hear a response you knocked again still no response though. You glanced at your watch to see that it is 6:00pm realizing he usually is in his chamber around this time. In the past he has told you around this time to place the reports in his chamber and he’ll look at them.

You assumed he was asleep since he usually naps around this time. So instead of knocking you just walk in. Your eyes widen when you see Sylus pinning the woman from yesterday against his bed. “M-My apologies!,” you said quickly and closed the door with the report still in your hand and walked away quickly trying to wrap your head around what you just witnessed.

You can feel tears welt up in your eyes. “ I-i need some fresh air” you mumble under your breath quickly leaving his mansion. You tried to stop the tears from falling but despite your efforts, they came down like a waterfall.

“W-Why,” you say in-between tears. What does she have that I don't, I've tried my best to impress him for years, so why does he choose her after only after knowing her short period of time? “Why did I think he would never want me he won't even look me in the eye.” you thought while the salty tears ran down your cheeks.

You've been walking for about 15 minutes, trying to console yourself. When suddenly you hear your phone ringing, you fished it own of your pants pocket to see it's the twins. You wipe your face before answering, “Hello?” you said trying to sound like you haven't been balling your eyes out. “ Your Name” Where are you Sylus says he needs the report from you but you are nowhere to be found,” the twins say in sync. “ My apologies I had an errand to run I’ll be back shortly with the report” you say quickly voice cracking slightly. “Alright be back shortly Sylus doesn’t like to wait” they say in sync again. A mumbled a quick ok hung up and rushed back to his mansion.

You arrived back and hovered your hand over his office door; you were positive your face was puffy and your eyes were red from crying but you tried your best to hide it hopefully he didn't notice. You knocked on his door and to your surprise instantly heard a response “Come in.”

You twisted the doorknob and saw him sitting at his desk, this time you spoke first,” Apologies for the late report” you said voice kinda scratchy. You walked over and placed the files on his desk. You turned to leave and didn’t bother waiting for his response,” One thing” he said in his usual tone, you stopped in your tracks and turned to face him. “ Knock before you enter my chambers,” he said and looked up at you this time. “ I understand apologies” you said rather lifeless. You turned around and walk towards his office door, when you seen the woman from earlier walking in and accidentally bumped your shoulder. “ Im sorry” she said remembering me from the embarrassing moment earlier and blushed slightly. “It’s fine” I smiled at her. Before I closed the door I could hear her telling him something,” That’s nice MC” you heard him respond

to her in a warm tone much different from the one a few seconds ago. You quickly closed the door and walked away again feeling your eyes starting to burn with hot tears again.

[missy4176]

First Meeting

Kim dokja x reader

Reader’s Point of View

You had always noticed him, the quiet man who seemed to blend into the background of the small cafe you frequented. He was always there, tucked away in his corner, eyes glued to his screen as if the rest of the world didn’t exist. There was something calming about his presence, something familiar. You didn’t know his name, but in a strange way, you felt like you knew him—or at least, the kind of person he was.

It started with stolen glances, fleeting moments where you found yourself wondering what he was reading with such intensity. It wasn’t that you were particularly nosy, but there was something about him that piqued your curiosity. He was a mystery, a puzzle you wanted to solve.

One rainy afternoon, when the cafe was unusually quiet, you gathered the courage to speak to him. “What are you reading?” you asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.

He looked up, his eyes meeting yours for the first time. They were dark, almost unreadable, but there was a depth to them that made you feel like he was seeing right through you. “A web novel,” he replied, his voice soft, almost hesitant.

“Is it good?” you pressed, hoping to keep the conversation going.

For a moment, he seemed to consider your question, as if he wasn’t sure how much to reveal. “It’s important to me,” he finally said, and there was something in his tone that told you this was more than just a book to him. It was something deeper, something personal.

You nodded, sensing that this was as much as he was willing to share. But that brief exchange left an impression on you. You found yourself thinking about him even when you weren’t at the cafe, wondering what his story was, what kind of life he led outside of those walls.

Over time, your conversations became more frequent, though still brief. He was guarded, never revealing too much about himself, but there was a quiet warmth in the way he spoke to you that made you feel special. He wasn’t like anyone you had ever met before—he was kind, thoughtful, and incredibly intelligent, though he never flaunted it.

As the weeks passed, you began to realize that your feelings for him were growing. It wasn’t just curiosity anymore; it was something deeper, something you hadn’t expected. You found yourself looking forward to seeing him, to hearing his voice, to sharing those quiet moments together in the cafe. It was strange, this connection you felt with him, but it was also comforting in a way you couldn’t quite explain.

And then, one day, it hit you—somewhere along the line, you had fallen in love with him. It wasn’t a sudden realization, but a gradual understanding that this quiet, unassuming man had somehow become a central part of your life. You didn’t know what to do with those feelings, didn’t know if he felt the same, but you couldn’t deny them any longer.

The next time you saw him, you couldn’t help but watch him a little more closely. You noticed the way his eyes softened when he looked at you, the way his lips curved ever so slightly when you spoke. Maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way.

But there was always a hesitation in his gaze, a wall he kept between the two of you. You could tell he was afraid, afraid of something you couldn’t quite understand. And so, you waited, hoping that one day he would let you in, hoping that he would see that you were willing to wait for him.

When he finally did confess his feelings, it was in the same quiet, understated way that was so typical of him. There were no grand gestures, no dramatic declarations, just a simple, heartfelt admission that made your heart swell with warmth.

“I think... I care about you more than I should,” he had said, his voice barely above a whisper.

You had smiled, reaching out to take his hand. “I love you too, Dokja.”

And just like that, the wall between you crumbled. It wasn’t perfect, and you knew there were still challenges ahead, but for the first time, you felt like you were truly in this together. You had found something precious in each other, something worth holding onto, no matter what the future might bring.

Kim Dokja’s Point of View

Kim Dokja wasn’t someone who believed in love—not the kind you read about in novels, anyway. His life had always been solitary, his world confined to the pages of the web novels he devoured. It was easier that way, easier to lose himself in someone else’s story than to face the emptiness of his own.

But then, there was you.

You had been a fixture in the background of his life for months, a familiar presence in the small cafe where he spent most of his free time. At first, he hadn’t paid much attention to you. You were just another regular, someone who came and went without disrupting the fragile equilibrium of his world.

But slowly, that began to change. He noticed the way you always chose a seat near his, the way your eyes sometimes lingered on him when you thought he wasn’t looking. You were curious about him, and for some reason, that intrigued him. People usually left him alone—he was good at fading into the background, at being invisible. But not to you.

The day you spoke to him, something shifted. “What are you reading?” you had asked, your voice cutting through the rain-soaked silence of the cafe.

He had been caught off guard by the question, unsure how to respond. It was such a simple thing, yet it felt like you were asking for something more, something he wasn’t sure he could give. “A web novel,” he had replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy your curiosity.

But you had pressed on, asking if it was good, if it was something he enjoyed. He hadn’t known how to explain it to you, the way *Three Ways to Survive the Apocalypse* had become more than just a story to him, the way it had become a lifeline, a tether to something real in an otherwise hollow existence. So he had said the only thing that felt true: “It’s important to me.”

And that had been the end of it—at least, for that day. But you didn’t leave his mind as easily as you had left the conversation. He found himself thinking about you more often, wondering what you were like, what kind of life you led. It was a dangerous line of thought, one that he tried to push away, but the more he tried, the more you seemed to invade his thoughts.

Your conversations became a regular occurrence after that. Small talk at first, nothing too deep, but each exchange left him feeling something he couldn’t quite name. You were different from the other people in his life—different from his coworkers, different from the nameless faces in the crowd. You saw him, really saw him, and that terrified him.

He wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Love was something that happened to other people, not to him. He was just Kim Dokja, a man who had always been on the sidelines, never the protagonist of his own story. But here you were, pulling him into something he had never expected, something he wasn’t sure he was ready for.

The realization that he had fallen in love with you came slowly, creeping up on him in the quiet moments when you weren’t around. It was in the way his heart beat just a little faster when he saw you, the way he found himself waiting for your messages, the way his day felt incomplete without your presence. It was terrifying, this feeling, because it meant that you had the power to hurt him in a way no one else ever had.

He tried to push it down, tried to ignore it, but it was no use. The more he tried to distance himself, the more he found himself drawn to you. And that scared him more than anything. What if you didn’t feel the same? What if he wasn’t good enough for you? What if he lost you before he ever really had you?

But then, one day, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. It wasn’t a planned confession, just a moment of weakness when the words slipped out before he could stop them. “I think... I care about you more than I should,” he had said, his voice betraying the fear and vulnerability he had tried so hard to hide.

He had expected you to pull away, to tell him that he had misunderstood, that he was reading too much into things. But instead, you had smiled at him, your hand warm and reassuring as you took his in yours. “I love you too, Dokja.”

And in that moment, everything changed. The fear was still there, the uncertainty, but so was something else—hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, he could have something real, something good in his life. With you by his side, he felt like he could face whatever the future held, even if that future was as uncertain as the world he had read about in his beloved novel.

For the first time in a long time, Kim Dokja allowed himself to believe in the possibility of happiness. It was a fragile, tentative thing, but it was real. And that was enough.

[nightlix07]

༆Maze of memories༆

Character(s): Reo Mikage (Blue lock)

Reader type: Not specified(Gender-Neutral Pronouns)

Warning(s): mentions of suicide, depression, self-harm, ED)

Genre: Angst, Fluff (Hurt/Comfort), Happy ending(?I mean I think it is...)

Word count: ~5,3k words (I think the site lied to me, maybe)

Author's note: Did I not see enough angst with him and I did it myslef? Yes I did. Did I go too hard on how depressed Reo can be?...maybe. Enjoy! <3

It was a warm sunny day. Maybe too sunny as you had to keep a bottle of water close by if you wished to keep running on the field without fainting. Keeping up with Reo's stamina was tough, playing against him on a 1 on 1 was like running for the Olympics. It was like this boy had no limit.

"Come on Y/N! I know you can do better!~" You heard Reo coo teasingly.

Oh, how he annoyed you... You pushed yourself further, running to block his shot and stealing the ball. His eyes widen slightly seeing how focused you became. He smirked and ran after you, trying to block your shot as well but to no avail. You scored with a powerful blow. You heard Reo clapping as he smiled warmly.

Nagi looked up from his phone to just nod at you as to congratulate you. Then he went to continue his game again... You were wondering what game was so captivating. Maybe an open-world RPG? Or something that required more thinking? Your thoughts were cut off when you heard Reo's voice.

"Impressive, yet easily noticeable by the opponent team. If this was a real match...." You sigh and take the water bottle he was offering you. You were thirsty after that amount of effort under the scorching sun. The water felt divine, it was cold, bringing your body temperature back to normal.

Reo was still rambling about all the other ways you could have stolen the ball, scored and whatnot. You didn't mind it. It was kind of cute seeing how he was able to ramble for hours on end about soccer.

"Hmm, but what's more important is that I beat you so don't be a sore loser~" You say, taking revenge for how much he has teased you while playing.

Reo scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest while glaring at you playfully. You both liked to annoy each other and somehow those banters never escalated into a fight. It was some kind of mutual understanding. On filed it was no different, people said eyes talk and they weren't lying as with just a glance you two could understand each other. Nagi understood those 'signals' as well. It was like a strange string connecting you three, fate most likely as you liked to say. Other schools feared Hakuho High School's soccer team because of your trio. And they feared you for a good reason. This is how every day looked for you: Reo challenging you to try the tricks he learned and Nagi sometimes taking part just to absolutely destroy both of you at soccer.

Today was no different: training, running, laughing and joking...until a teacher brought over some weird-looking envelopes.

"Blue Lock?.... It sounds like a prison. " You say unimpressed.

The three of you studied the weird-looking letters. Reo's full of enthusiasm at the new opportunities that just opened up. His eyes twinkled with joy...until he saw you and Nagi looking at the letter in disdain.

"Oh come on, it clearly says they want us to join to get better at soccer...! It's an opportunity we can't pass!" He was trying his best to get you and Nagi to agree.

You didn't like the sound of the so-called 'project' and Nagi...

"It's a hassle... Too much work."

Reo sighed and wrapped his arms around both of your necks smiling brightly, bringing you two close to him.

"Come on, we promised to become the best! You can't back out now!" Reo was always good at tying the team together. After all, he was the one who 'created it'.

You remember how the school's team came to be. You were tasked to ask students around the school if they wished to join the school's soccer team. Most of them weren't interested and you were ready to give up...until you met Reo. He started acting like his life depended on it, following kids until they agreed or just plain ol' threatening them....subtly.

"Join the soccer team! The best team ever! " Reo shouted with vigour. You barely knew him... Why did he care this much?... You sigh and pay it no mind.

"Hey...we don't know for sure if the team will be that good-" You try to reason with the purple-haired boy but your words were cut off by him almost instantly.

"I'll make sure it will be!" He said proudly and you couldn't help but burst out laughing. He scowled at your reaction but after a bit, he couldn't help but burst out laughing as well.

After that ordeal, Reo said he knew the perfect last candidate: Nagi. Making the white-haired boy agree to join the soccer team...was harder than proving your homework wasn't stolen off of another classmate to the teacher.

From that point onward, you three were inseparable. You still remember the night you two had to practically shove information down Nagi's throat so he would pass, or when Reo refused to talk to either of you because he messed up a shot. You chuckle with fondness at the memories. You liked them. If it weren't for this small group, life would be boring, wouldn't it? A life without Reo nagging you, without Nagi explaining the tactics he needs to use to win the game's next level. A family.

And so you decided to join Blue Lock.

"There are so many people..." You look around in curiosity, walking close to Reo and Nagi, not wanting to get lost in the crowd.

"Means the selections will be hard." Reo mutters in slight concern while looking at the stage up front.

The project's logo stood proudly on the big screen. The rest of the scene was awfully empty, the only 'decoration' being two plants. Nagi was also looking around, meaning it was a fascinating situation if it made him look away from his phone. The lights cut out around the room, and the ones on the stage shine brightly, almost blindingly. You squint your eyes to adjust to the light. On the stage, a tall, slim and weak man appears...Ego, your so-called new coach. He looks like he hasn't slept in decades! He goes on and on about this project, talking about how soccer isn't about a team, how you should be egoists and other uncanny things. It looked like it was a cult! It was weird at best. After Ego finishes his speech, the screen opens up, creating an entryway. It was filled with thick fog, the entrance looking like it was straight out of a horror movie.

"So who is ready to be an egoist should enter at once, the other weaklings can leave!" The man yelled as he glared at all of us.

People started talking between them, whispers of disapproval and fear. Some trying to hype each other up to join. I was looking at the doorway. Who in their right mind would go? It sounded and looked like a cult! ...And of course, Reo was ready to go, taking both your and Nagi's hands, dragging you to the giant doorway. Did he have no survival instincts?! Maybe his basic survival skills somehow dispersed into thin air but yours were in full swing.

"Hey, hey! Let's think this through! It sounds suspicious Reo!..." You try to pull back but to no avail. Reo's grip on your wrist was firm. No way you were going to be freeing yourself from it.

The first few challenges were easy, more like child's play for your trio. Even the first real match was easy. Reo helping you and Nagi connect while the other team couldn't even tell which one of you will strike thanks to the constant passing between you three. Your team won with 5-2. You breathe deeply to catch your breath after all that running.

"We did it! If the next teams are so weak we're set! Good job Y/N!" Reo says enthusiastically.

Again, how did he have so much stamina? He ran around the field, dribbled, passed, scored. And somehow he was still able to run to your side to ruffle your hair. You push away his hand as you shoot him a warning glance. Reo laughs softly. Your team was happy, celebrating. You, Reo and Nagi rambling happily about the match. You hear someone crying and you look at the other side of the field. It looked like a battlefield.

People laying on the floor, crying, yelling. It was weird seeing all those other kids' dreams be crushed. The looks of pure despair, disdain, hatred even. You decide to walk away before one of them tries anything to take revenge. Before the next match, you had time to prepare and rest, so you decided that a quick meal would give you some energy and prepare you for the next hours of training. Of course Nagi and Reo tag along. Where you went, they went too and this was kind of an unwritten rule.

You sleepily lean your head against the cafeteria table after finishing your food. You look up only to see Reo trying to make a deal with Nagi to eat. You chuckle at the sight as Reo glares at you. You also train for a while before heading off to sleep. You lay in your comfy bed, close your eyes and wait...and wait... Why were you so restless...? It was only a match, an easy one on top of that. Still, you couldn't sleep. You move around, try different positions, count sheep, any old trick in the book but still nothing. You decide to sit up and look if anyone is also awake. Nothing. You sigh annoyed and you move to stand up. If you can't sleep you can at least train. Your stamina needed some training anyway so why not- Well that's what you wished to do before your master plan was stopped by Reo pulling your hand down. Again, his grip on your wrist was like being held down by some of the strongest chains known to man. How does he even manage?! You try to argue with him but he tiredly opens his eyes to glare at you.

"But Reo I can't sleep anyways, I can at least train!-"

"Sleep."

"Reo-"

"Y/N." His eyes were stabbing daggers into you.

Without any place to dispute this, you lay back down. After the effort of trying to break free from the inhuman hold Reo had on you, you fall asleep quite quickly. Somehow his grip on your arm never faltered.

It was time for the match. You were against team Z. Both teams take their specific spots on field, waiting for the kick-off. Reo quickly starts the game, Nagi sprinting forward while you and Reo were using the give-and-go technique, confusing the other team.

"Reo, off to Nagi!" You shoot the ball to Reo after you broke defence.

He quickly catches your pass and sends it to Nagi. Our quick understanding of each other's position on field made the other team lose the first three rounds. They were getting desperate and it was easily noticeable. Some glared at us, others threw insults yet once again you could only see that eerie landscape...despair. You hated that look so you turn to search for Reo's cheerful eyes to shake off that odd feeling. And so you find them, purple eyes filled with nothing other than the most beautiful things in this world: fondness, kindness. He smiles warmly at you and the feeling of fear and pain disappear like they were never there in the first place.

"What, missed me?~" Reo says teasingly while tilting his head to taunt you. He was back to his teasing demeanour.

"Not that much really."

"Oh so you missed me-" You cut his words off by gently flicking his forehead at which he groans and pouts. You pat his head as to say sorry and you go back in position.

And so your eyes leave him and focus on the view in front of you. Misery, anguish. You get goosebumps from the chillness and brutal glares the other team had. You prepare yourself to mark one of the other teams' attackers. The first touch moves towards you, you look at the yellow-eyed boy in the eyes as he smiles insanely. He dribbles past you and all of your team. You watch it wide-eyed as you see him move closer and closer and...he scores. His team welcomes him back with open arms while you look at Reo for any kind of comfort or help but you only see fury. He just...stared at the other team.

"Reo?-"

"They got the taste of victory. Now they'll act like dogs teaming up on us..." His words were pure venom. His usual soft eyes were now void of emotion. He wasn't even looking at you, he gazed yonderly at the other side of the field. His eyes seemed to go past your like you weren't even there in the first place.

"Reo!" You say a bit louder trying to get his attention and maybe calm him down.

His eyes seem to snap back, focusing on your figure. He smiled weakly as his eyes retained some of their usual warmth.

"Ah sorry, I was talking out loud wasn't I? Don't mind it, you know I get mad easily Y/N." He tries to lure you away from the truth with small lies yet you knew him better.

You decide to not push him too far and just pat his head as encouragement. The match starts once again. Reo loses the ball and you're forced into defence. They score again. You see Reo's eye twitch as he stares at Team Z, more precisely, the player that marked him the whole match. The other player notices Reo's hostile look so he walks closer with a teasing grin on his face.

"What is it genius, huh? Never lost a match? I'll make sure you taste failure you-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Reo hits the player with his elbow. You run to Reo's side to pull his hand away and stop him from hitting the guy again. This action earned him a yellow card yet Reo didn't seem to mind, his eyes were calculating, almost predatory while watching Team Z help their stumbling teammate walk to a nearby bench. After you shake him slightly Reo's eyes move to study your figure. They were frigid. He pushes you off while glaring at you.

"I know what I'm doing do stop treating me like a child. If they keep scoring they'll think they're strong...like some strays scaring off some weaklings." His voice was loud and harsh, his demandour aggressive.

You just stare at this whole ordeal. You knew he didn't like losing but still... You notice his eyes faltering when he notices your slightly scared look. He eventually gives up arguing and hugs you closely while hiding his face in the crook of your neck, trying to forget about this whole competition, trying to remember how playing soccer as just a game was.

"Sorry..." That's all he mutters before he looks up to see any sort of reaction. He wanted to know if you were mad at him, startled, sad, anything. Reo just wanted to protect you from those destructive emotions as best as he could and being the cause of them wasn't something he wanted.

"Are you done acting like a maniac? We'll win. I'm sure of it." You say reassuringly while tying his now messed up hair back up.

You see Reo's eyes light up once again. Even if the game was 4-4, a gamble at best, you still had hopes. You were strong enough, you could do it. The first kick starts the game, everything seems to be distorted. The other team was moving rapidly along the field, your eyes were never able to find all of Team Z. You run, you try to block, mark, anything yet it was useless. You hear a whistle. The one that you heard whenever you scored, whenever you won.

"Team Z won! Congratulations, next repartisation will be calculated...-" You don't even hear the rest of the announcement as you just stare at the big screen depicting your failure. Everyone looked at it like it was some kind of painting with some strange untold stories.

You...lost? What was this weird feeling? Why wasn't our team happy? Why was that look of despair spreading around your team? Was this the feeling the teams you beat felt? You didn't like it and neither did Nagi or Reo.

"I don't like this. Why am I sad? This is what losing feels like. I don't like it." You hear Nagi mutter while standing close to you, gazing at the other celebrating team.

Reo was on the opposing side of the field. His gaze was cold, he wasn't looking at the other team, he just stared down. You decide to walk closer to him just for him to look up at you with a shattered look. Like he lost all motivation. You didn't like the look of anguish in his eyes, you only wanted to see his usual joyful look.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault-" Reo's voice was a bit shaky.

You didn't like him being sad. You never wanted to see him lose again if it meant he would be like this. Why were you feeling this way?... You felt like you could do anything to 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭 his cheerful personality. You decide to gently smack his head at which he looks up scared.

"Our fault. We're a team." You smile softly at him while Nagi gives a thumbs up as approval. Reo smiles and nods. You appreciated the way your friendship was pure love and support for each other, no matter the case.

Your team still moved to second selection. Before you could move to that stage you had to train for a week straight. You thought it would be easy yet every night, as soon as your head hit the pillow you were out cold. After that week you finally got moved to second selection where followed only...more training. But it was worth it to pass that big door to see Reo and Nagi again. The room was bustling with life. You run to hug both of your friends. You didn't even know you missed them! You were ready to move to the next stage, this amazing trio had a bit more to fight to get to the national team-...

"Nagi?" You turn to see Nagi staring in the distance. Why wasn't he coming?

"Come on Nagi, we'll lose the head start." Reo sounded anxious.

But Nagi wasn't budging. Where was he even looking at?! You finally turn fully to scout the area. Isagi's team? So he was worried about what his team will be like?-

"Isagi, I want to join your team."

Oh, who would even want to join that idiot's team, you think scoffing before you recognise the voice. The voice that used to always nag you about games or deny any training.

"Nagi, what are you saying?" Before you could even react, Reo speaks.

Nagi was only walking further away from you. Where was he going? Was he pranking you? He never did that. Was he testing you? Did he want to see if you really cared? What did he want? Why would he leave? You feel like you're breaking down. The stable walls you had built alongside those two. The pillars of love, trust. Falling. Your face quickly loses all light, all hope. 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫. It was taking you over. Eating away at all your feelings and emotions. Why was Nagi getting farther away? Why was he leaving? You turn to Reo for support, help, care yet you only see a crushed soul. It felt like the soccer player you loved to annoy was gone. Everything was 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞. This was a dream all along, wasn't it? No way everything would be destroyed this easily. Nothing was real, was it? Nothing really happened. Nothing-

"Nagi, we were supposed to be a family, a team!" You don't even know who said it. Was it you, or was it Reo who dared to shout those words?

You heard the door open. Those doors reserved for your small team of three. The small team meant to go to nationals. You stare at it like it was alive, like it took away Nagi, like that inanimate object was the one making you feel all this pain. You snap out of this spiral of doubt, feeling a weak hand taking your hand. Reo. What was supposed to be Reo, what remained. He was almost crying, almost, as always. He was staring at you, begging.

"Y/N. You won't...leave, isn't it?... I'm still of use to you." His voice was weak, shaky. It missed all the force and happiness it had.

You bring him closer and hug him. That's all you could think of. You wanted him close, you wanted to comfort and feel comforted. You feel Reo cling onto you like you would just disperse into small particles of dust if he lost his grip on you. It felt like he was holding onto the last piece of the dream he had. This was surreal.

"Y/N. You didn't respond. Why do you keep looking at those doors? Do you want to leave too? Please...don't..."

His voice. His embrace. It lost all past meaning. It was just pain. The despair you despised.

"I won't leave Reo. Why would I? You're everything I have." It's all you manage to say. You wanted to be strong. To help him yet you were as terrified as him.

The whole room was looking at you two, like you were putting up a show for their pleasure. Your pain, entertainment for them. You hated this place. You wanted to get out. You decide that you have to be the one helping. Some pieces of you still standing while Reo didn't have anything left. You take a deep breath. This was your role now. Build him up to build yourself up. Now how could you help him? Water? Maybe. He's dehydrated... You decide to get to the lounge and get some water.

"Don't...leave. Y/N please don't...I can't anymore."

You immediately turn to hug him once more, trying to soothe his pain. He muffled his cries in your shoulder while you were trying to hide his exhausted body. The others were preying on pain like it was their only source of energy. If you could, you would take out every single one of them...

This went on for a while until Reo calmed down. You both sat in a corner of the room. People were still whispering about what happened. Those useless...

"Y/N, you can leave me if you want to. You know that don't you? Maybe I've lost use or talent. That's why he left isn't it?" He was saying you could leave yet his tight grip on your hand was saying otherwise.

"I said I'm not leaving. I need you. You're talented Reo. Stop putting yourself down"

"..."

"Reo, please."

Silence. You turn to look at him. He was tired, worn out. A shell of what he was. But no worries, you would help him. You're going to always be there for him. You smile at the thought and move to stroke his hair. He just looks up at you, too weak to even react. You were calm yet your mind was racing. Nagi left, Reo is giving up on everything, you need to move forward but you can't push him too much.

"Hmmm, the geniuses fell? Where's the other one?"

You turn to look up at the one talking to you. The redhead from Team Z. Chigiri. You stand up, trying to protect Reo.

"What do you want?"

"Where is the white-haired one?"

"Not your problem."

"He left, isn't it? That's why the so-called genius is weeping."

His tone was sarcastic. You grit your teeth at the smug expression on his face.

"Not your problem I said. I advise you to stop."

Your tone was menacing, bloodthirsty even. Chigiri stopped and just glanced at Reo who was now standing behind you.

"I want to join your team. The white-haired one left you and my own team left me. We're on the same page aren't we?"

Oh, so he meant business. This is your chance. He was strong and his talent was of use. If you managed to forge some new reactions...you didn't need Nagi anymore.

"Very well. Welcome to the team, Chigiri." You shake his hand.

And so you could move to the next stage. Reo was clinging onto you and Chigiri was just walking next to us. He didn't seem to care about what Reo was doing which was perfect. You could rest before choosing who to fight against. You needed it, Reo needed it and by the exhausted look on Chigiri's face, he needed it too. The room was small yet comfy. Chigiri went out to train or just manage his thoughts as well, away from his new companions. And so you were left alone with Reo. He was just standing on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. What was he thinking? He looked like instead of the floor he saw the replay of all his life. Of all that went wrong. You decide to bend down in front of him to grab his attention. He looks up slowly, his eyes red from crying.

"Reo, want me to bring you something from the cafeteria? You didn't eat today."

"No."

"Reo, you need to eat."

"I said no Y/N."

You couldn't even get through to him. He didn't leave the room. He didn't eat, he didn't train, he was rarely speaking. You move to gently comb your fingers through his hair. You wanted to help him, you wanted to bring his joy back yet it seemed like this was the new Reo. You sigh and move to lie on your bed. It was late anyway, you needed rest and he didn't seem like he was in the mood to talk anyway. You couldn't close your eyes though. Images of your happy memories with your friends flash in front of you if you do. It made you sick seeing how Reo has just gotten worse in just a few hours. You saw his strong figure, his smile, his laugh, yet across from you, you saw how he lost his pride, his everything, even himself.

You finally got to sleep for a while. You toss and turn...yet you somehow manage. It was mostly quiet yet you jumped at any little sound. The board's creaking, Chigiri moving around, anything. Even the quiet steps, the gently closed door, the muffled cries. You knew it was Reo. You wanted this to end. Why was 𝒇𝒂𝒕𝒆 plotting to destroy everything? What did you do? What did Reo do to deserve being torn apart like this? You walk up to the door and gently knock. You couldn't wake up Chigiri yet you couldn't let Reo alone.

"Reo. Open the door."

"Leave, I'm fine."

"You aren't, you're sick. You've been throwing up for at least 5 minutes. Open the door."

You were getting annoyed. Not at him, at yourself. You let this happen, didn't you? You didn't keep Nagi close, you didn't try to push Reo to eat or talk. You left him alone. You're a horrible person- You hear reluctant steps and a quiet click. That's everything that was holding you back. As soon as the pale bathroom light crept through the barely open door, you swung it open and leapt into Reo's embrace. You hug him as close as you can. You try to give him your warmth. He was cold, and fragile yet that made you want to 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒄𝒕 him even more.

"I'm sorry I'm like this Y/N. I don't think I can continue anymore. I don't want to play soccer anymore. I don't want to live anymore. Too much..."

"Shh... I'm not mad. I will never be Reo. Please don't cry. It's fine..."

His arms were frail. He was crying uncontrollably while shaking. You could feel your shoulder get wet because of his tears. You didn't like it. Scouring the bathroom you saw a blade discarded on the floor. It felt like the little hope you still had crumbled. You move his arm up and gently kiss his wrist before moving his hand to cup your cheek. You try to smile while seeing the harrowing sight in front of you.

"It's fine. I'll help you, Reo. You're going to be fine. Please..." You were just pleading. Begging like your life depended on it.

"I don't want to continue. Too much pain. I feel sick Y/N."

His words were pure agony. At that very moment, you lost all composure. You felt like he was slowly slipping away from you. He was leaning against you, searching for support so he wouldn't fall. His hug wasn't strong like his usual ones. You couldn't do this anymore as well. You wanted this to end. You wanted to wake up, to wake up and see Reo and Nagi look over at you as they giggle at how you managed to fall asleep in such a silly position yet the daggers that were taunting your poor heart were real.

"Reo, wash your mouth and drink a bit of water to freshen up all right?" Your voice was soft and caring. You could see a small and broken smile form on his lips. Hope.

Reo did as you said. It was like he was a puppet, he didn't want to do anything yet he still listened to you. You were the only thing he had left. 𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. After he drinks the water he looks up at you again, waiting for a new command.

"Y/N, I'll get better. For you." He sounds hopeful, his eyes glistening with adoration.

This was your new reality. Yet you didn't mind it if it meant he would get better. Even if it took years, decades, you will help him find himself again, you'll help him become the best player in Japan. You smile at the idea, it was foolish yet your immature reasoning couldn't stop you.

"Are you better, Reo? Think you can sleep?"

"Mhm... But Y/N, you don't mind what I've become? You don't see me as sickening?"

What question was that even? Reo, sickening? You saw him as the most beautiful boy. He was talented, caring, and loving. His voice was soft and sweet. His eyes were enchanting. His hair was soft and smelled of strawberries which he always denied with a small blush. He always knew how to make you laugh, he always protected you. How could he even ask that?

"Y/N?... Ah, I knew you saw me that way. No need to hide it."

"No."

"Huh? What do you?-"

"I love you."

Why did you let those words slip? You're stupid... He'll get even more scared. This is it, you're done-

You hear him...laugh. Ah, so it was funny...good enough... His arms snake around you, holding you close to him. His eyes were gloomy yet a small flicker of fondness fought its way through.

"I love you more Y/N. I'm not in the right state to give you all my love yet...- Y/N I'll be me again, I'll be even better. Just please, wait for me."

That sweet smile you cherished, it was back. Even if it was only for a split second... It's all you need.

"I'll wait for you."

Hope you enjoyed it! If you have any tips on how to improve please do tell. ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

[dymdrimluga]

Art of Mage: The Ascension

Recently, a big event happened: I started playing MtA again, and I was forced to read. To be honest, I still find it difficult to read long and complex texts in English, but it's great practice. It's not the first time I've opened the rule book, but now I somehow paid special attention to the arts. And they are very cool there! This is the book I want to talk about. And this is an old book, after which, I think, a lot has changed in the world of illustration. But I'm just curious how it was. Was this book successful? What do you think about it?

Many people worked on this edition

At first, I wanted to find the specific author of each picture, but despite the existence of such a list, it turned out to be a difficult task. So today I will only comment on the art, not the artists. I am not a professional because my art has never been used for such books, but I want to share my impressions and thoughts.

There were a lot of such cards there and they are also quite cool, and the main thing is that they look in their place and really look like real tarot cards in design and vibe. Although this is not the art that interests me the most, I couldn't help but mention them here.

Really cool. It seems to be something from traditional materials, similar to watercolor, maybe with the addition of something else. If you look closely, you can see the remains of a pencil. Look at the head. Is everything drawn anatomically correct? No. But does it create the right mood? Yes!

Art by Mark Jackson if I'm not mistaken. Kinda reminds me of Sandman from the comics, don't you think? I wonder if this kind of black and white line art is still used in modern books? Must check.

This art... I was a little surprised to see it in the book. I worked in the game industry and was used to the fact that everything should be casually polished (thanks to gamejams for allowing me to deviate from this rule). Right here... a dynamic plot, but work with the clarity of the picture, color, volume, lighting... on some details it is simply not there. It seems that at some point it was not the main thing to be an illustrator. I wonder what was important? And what remains? Because I would really like to be involved in something like this book.

I would be happy to see how it is done. I have thoughts that maybe photos were used, but most were definitely drawn and I just want to know how

It has its own style. A lot of work on small details requires patience, not everyone can draw so many small details and not get lost in them. I love when people do not lose the courage to draw in a unique style

as in the previous picture, traditional materials seem to have been used here: pencils, felt-tip pens, maybe watercolors? What do you think of when you see this? I think "small artists". So many talented artists with small audiences on Twitter or Tumblr can do the same. Although not. Not "the same", because no one will do "the same" in creativity. At the same level - yes. The same - no. It's obvious that a lot of the artist's personality and experience has been put into this, and that makes this picture unique

oh i love it, it's not even a color drawing, but it looks so good on the page! But I don't really understand what bothers me about this girl's breasts, I wish I could see what it looks like from the front

We have already seen this author. Look at the hair. I.. really don't know what to say. Not exactly what I expected.

interesting art, interesting creature. Many would call it a sketch, but I think it is precisely here that more work on the details is not needed

I don't know the author, but I definitely recognize the style - I saw something like that in the changelings rulebook

Oh, I like it. It takes a special skill to draw like that, and I don't have it. Very dynamic. And the form shown is interesting

Soap. Nothing extra, nice details on the background, clear silhouette. Good.

I love this kind of comic book style. It is exactly as it should be in this style, I don't know what else to say, except that there is a good work with textures

how interestingly and harmoniously different styles are combined in this book

I like it, I would read something like comic book in that style, very nice to look at

I can't say about the plot, but the details, volume, and shadows are very well drawn. I wonder if it was done in pencil? I am fascinated by people who can draw with pencils and have a similar result

very calm great vibe

this is already something closer to the game art I know, not casual, but a step towards polishing, + looks like digital

one more step :) If you don't pay attention to the face, something like this can now be drawn in hidden objects games. Very nice drawing, by the way, I like the dynamics.

I think that will be enough, at least for today. I don't know who would be interested in such a review with personal opinions. But here's what fascinated me and made me think: so many artists with such different styles in one book. Unbelievable. It would be very interesting to be a part of something like that. Now I want to review new books from this point of view. I used to look at them as a reader, but now...

I wonder if there will be new books of this kind? What are the requirements? What is needed?

Only one trend worries me. Some time ago I had a conversation with the author of this book It was an interesting but a little sad conversation. The author says that, at best, he will receive not so much for this book. He says that he cannot pay the artists as well, because then he will have nothing left. It's a shame, but the only solution he found was to use the AI. I wanted to read the text of the book, because Umbra is a very interesting topic. I even had the opportunity to read it for free as a free copy provided by the author. I did not read it. One of the comments says that the art there is well-suited, although it was created by AI. I do not know. I don't want to see it even for free. I think it brings Banality into the world, destroys the dreams of small artists to be part of something great. I can understand a small author of a small book that won't make much money. It's just sad. I can only hope that the trend does not spread to the whole world. It will really be the time of Winter. And no more magic in this technocratic world.

[scrumpledorph-writes]

Koben’s Day Off (Learning How To Be Normal)

I

It’s been a good few days, Jaxon took to the training as well as I could have expected for someone with no experience. One day to let his muscles heal and the concepts sink in, and he should be ready to take on more advanced training for the rest of the week. Not sure how I’ll spend the day, can’t work at a side contract while I’m on retainer. He seems to have no trouble passing his free time, maybe I’ll ask.

Getting familiar with this place. It’s a lot like an old Imperial base once the superficial appeal of the expense wears off. My boots clack on the stone just the same as they used to on steel, and all the closed doors give off the same air of foreboding. The only difference is somehow I feel less welcome here, the same curt professionalism from the guards as we were taught feels like it has an undercurrent of rejection. They must not be used to hosting guests.

‘Good morning Jaxon. Bodily recuperation is an important aspect of training, so today there won’t be any physical conditioning. Given that, I was also planning to abstain from teaching you any more technical skills, so that what I already have can sink in.’ ‘Good, every part of my body has been hurting since the day we started. So, are you just waking me up at a quarter after six wearing your armor because you felt like it, or what?’ I figured he’d have gotten used to it by now.

‘You shouldn’t let your sleep schedule deprecate, it will just make waking up on time tomorrow feel even worse. I’m wearing the armor because it’s comfortable.’ ‘Sure, I guess. Just don’t slave drive me through the morning like you have been, alright?’ ‘What do you mean? That’s how I always wake up.’ ‘You always count out your strokes when you’re brushing your teeth, that wasn’t just like a “getting me into the boot camp mindset” sorta deal? Damn.’ ‘Since I was fifteen. Once this training gets into you, it doesn’t come out. That’s the point. Discipline has saved me from more blasters than you’ve ever seen.’

Not just other people’s. When I felt like every day was pointless and I was going to be stuck at rock bottom for the rest of my life, I remembered my instructor telling me that suicide is the coward’s way out of a bad situation and got up anyway. I haven’t heard them in twenty years, but my range officer’s instructions still ring in my ears every time I pull out my blaster, I can still see the motions of the quarter master’s hands every time I service it. My drill instructor, my squad leader, even Tessa are all over my shoulder judging everything I do. I can’t bear the thought of dying a disgrace to the Empire, even now.

‘Well it’s not into me, so just give me a few minutes to wake up, alright? I’m not wearing much under these covers.’ Close the door, give him some privacy. He has an attached bathroom suite, so I can wait here for him. I hope he doesn’t think I’m being too pushy. I’m almost twice his age, is it acceptable for us to interact outside of work hours? We’ve certainly been growing more friendly with each other, but it’s a professional sort of friendliness. Everyone else around here is on the clock, and Huxley’s poetic waxing is difficult to stay awake through.

I wonder if all this has tarnished his image of me. Maybe he’ll leave that forum of his, or tell everyone what I’ve confided in him, ruin the mystery for the rest of his peers. Why do I suddenly care about that? It would be for the best. The fewer eyes on me the better, and I went five years of independent contract work without knowing about it. It’s not like they’re officers, or clients, so I hardly need to care about their opinion of me. But if I can’t even impress people like them, then what does that say about my skills? Skills don’t matter if you’re so thoroughly unappealing in every other aspect. I can earn credits, but never respect.

‘Alright, I’m up. You waiting for me?’ ‘Yes. I don’t know the layout of the mansion. Your father mentioned a variety of amenities, but I’ve spent so much of my time working with you that I haven’t had the chance to find them. I was hoping you could act as a guide.’ ‘Sure. After breakfast though. Real breakfast; if this is a day off I’m not choking down three “nutritionally complete” piles of unseasoned meat and vegetables.’ ‘They are nutritionally complete, there’s no need for sarcasm.’ ‘There’s more to food than nutrients! That’s the part I’m emphasizing!’ ‘Nothing I’m familiar with.’

It makes sense that this pantry would be decadently stocked, but I’ve never even heard of most of these seasonings, let alone the rest of the ingredients. ‘So, since you’re our guest, what are you in the mood for? Our chef used to work at one of the finest restaurants on Coruscant, until he called an Imperial officer an inbred degenerate for wanting his steak well done and had to flee to the outer rim, so he can whip up pretty much anything.’ He sounds like he’d get along well with Vranki’s doctor. ‘I don’t think I can appreciate the potential on offer. You pick something for me.’

‘Hey Glipnort, could you whip us up an omelette? She wants it “nutritionally complete”, and I want it to be the best thing she’s ever eaten. Make whatever you think will fit both of those bills, please.’ The outer rim really is full of surprising species’. Only a handful are considered civilized enough to be seen in any real density in the core. Three legs, and five arms evenly distributed around his torso, which is also where his face is. Not even going to try to fathom what his home planet is like.

‘So, what’d you have planned for after breakfast?’ ‘I don’t know enough about your mansion or this city to decide.’ ‘Yeah but like if you could just do whatever, what would it be?’ I’ve never been asked this before. Hobbies are a completely common social marker, even talking about your hobbies is something that comes naturally once you feel passionately enough about one. The officers and diplomats used to drone on about their obscure sports or having just bought an expensive portrait from some artist I’d never heard of. What do I like doing?

‘You alright Koben? You’re kinda zoning out on me, you have hobbies don’t you?’ ‘I don’t. I spend most of my time working to make enough money to be able to travel the outer rim as necessary, and the rest of the time outside of that maintaining my physique, equipment, and skills so that my work doesn’t kill me. I tried dating recently, but it didn’t go well.’ Silence, shock. Nothing else to fill the seconds with. ‘Wow. That’s ffffuckin’ depressing. You open to suggestions?’ ‘I am.’ ‘Great, I can think of a few things. After we’re done eating though, food’s here.’

This is the best meal I’ve ever eaten. Most military meal guides are simple, designed for modular substitution in case of shortages and providing enough nutrition to spend the next several hours marching. This is different. Minuscule traces of dozens of ingredients all working in perfect lock step towards reinforcing each other, covering for weaknesses and emphasizing strengths. If I could have a squad work together this well, the ten of us could take an entire planet. I almost feel wasteful just eating it, like the galaxy will never see its like again and it should be preserved as a symbol of aspiration.

‘So, what do you think – it’s good, right?’ ‘Yes. You eat meals like this every day?’ ‘Not every day, these ingredients are pretty expensive. Just the dash of spice in this probably cost a hundred credits. But like I said; you’re my guest, and I’m treating you to the special occasion food. The normal stuff is still pretty good though.’ ‘I’m going to eat this very slowly.’ ‘Sounds good. Meet me in my room when you’re done, got a game you might like.’

II

Not used to being able to leave my dishes for someone else to clean up. Can definitely see how this lifestyle has made Jaxon soft. Hopefully all the free time he has has left him with a good taste in games. ‘Oh hey, glad you took so long – I barely got the table set up. You ever played a war game?’ ‘We had war game exercises every week in the academy.’ ‘No, not that kind of war game dummy, the kind you play on a tabletop!’ ‘I’m not familiar.’ Do we need all of these little dolls to play?

‘Well, I figure given your history, you’ll like Thunder Soldiers: it’ll be nice and familiar.’ ‘Those are obviously Stormtroopers.’ ‘Well yeah, obviously, but they don’t have an agreement with the Empire to use the official names and likenesses – they’ve gotta be legally distinct.’ ‘Is there a game that does? I think I’d appreciate a more accurate representation.’ ‘There is, but it sucks. The guys who made this game used to play that game, but got fed up with it and made this one instead.’ Sounds like Imperial politics.

‘How do we play?’ ‘The basic premise is both sides have to make a ten man squad, then fight over an area. Here, you can thumb through the rule book.’ These rules are completely unrealistic. Weapon ranges are too short, obstructions don’t penalize accuracy enough, and the armor is rated far too highly.

‘This is a completely unrealistic simulation. The longest range weapons in this game barely function within the average skirmish distance of a real firefight, and the battlefield conditions they say make for a short skirmish would call for an hours long stalemate or the use of heavy ordnance to break enemy positions. On top of that, Stormtrooper armor just doesn’t work this way, it disseminates the penetrating force of a blaster bolt, yes – but it doesn’t neutralize it completely, only specialized troopers are afforded anything close to that, and the thermal properties of even the weakest blaster weapons make it so that completely mitigating a bolt is something that only vehicle grade plating is capable of. It’s just meant to downgrade a lethal shot to a concussion so you can be resuscitated after the battle.’

‘Wow, you sure you haven’t played this before? You sound just like the critics. They made those changes on purpose, because tournaments of the official game do simulate all that accurately, and every match turns into an hour of rolling misses. Trust me, even if it’s not realistic, it’s fun. Now pick your squad leader, I’ve got plenty.’

This game really seems not to understand the role a squad leader plays. Most of them have special weaponry, which is the exact opposite of what they’re meant to carry. That makes them priority targets, especially with some of these being dangerously reactive if hit. I guess if they don’t have rules for keeping these sorts of things in sealed boxes that’s the best compromise they can do, but it’s still – hang on, is that me?

‘Oh, that one! Yeah, uhh, I kind of forgot that one was in there. That’s a custom leader I made when I was first getting into the game a couple years ago. It’s, uhh, well I put you in the game. It’s not really balanced at all, I used the rules to give the whole squad budget to one unit, but it turns out that kind of fucks the math completely. Nothing can hit you and you can fire like four blaster bolts with perfect accuracy per turn, it’s pretty dumb. Don’t use it.’

I have to use it. It’s been years since I had squad reinforcement, so I might as well start with something I’m familiar with. Plus I’ve never played this game before, so I should take all the advantages I can get.

That was completely unrealistic, but I can see what he meant about that making it more fun. No way I could take on a whole squad in one stand up gun fight in real life, I’d need to pick them off quietly either alone or in groups of two. ‘You’re right, that was a fun game. I’m not that good in real life though.’ ‘Okay, now that you’ve proven how bad of an idea that custom character was, do you want to try a real round?’ ‘Alright.’ The radio operator looks good, well timed orbital ordnance has won me plenty of ground campaigns.

I have to admit, even with the minutia being incorrect, in aggregate this is an acceptably realistic simulation. ‘Oh c’mon, you barely know the rules, how’d you win without even losing a guy?’ ‘There was a jungle planet I was fighting on where almost identical scenarios to this one happened every three weeks. I just applied the strategies we used against the real locals. Encircle a position, press the enemy inward, take them all out with one heavy ordnance strike. It works because they’re so afraid of individual losses that they gradually retreat from their positions, meter by meter.’ ‘Wow, guess that might have been a bit close to home then. Let’s do another round, different scenario, different squad leaders.’ I was getting reminded of my time in the Corps, not exactly what I’d choose for a game. I’ll use the engineer this time, I was pretty rarely on defence.

‘Alright, this is starting to feel like bullshit. I used those same tactics you used against me and got completely wiped out, so what the fuck?’ ‘Those tactics only work against an unfortified position, for a conventional siege you need to either starve the enemy out or breach a vulnerable part of their defences. You trickled men in at first, then rallied for a single charge with less than half of your forces. You might have won the day with heavy losses if you’d done that from the beginning, but it would have been by thin margins.’

‘Did you learn that one from a real campaign?’ ‘Yes. Larger scale warfare. Thousands of soldiers on either side – we had the city blockaded, but they had shield generators to prevent orbital bombardment. After enough attempts at probing for weak spots, the ground around the city was a featureless no man’s land for a kilometer out on all sides – scorched by repeated heavy blaster fire.’ ‘Damn...that sounds brutal. How’d you manage to win that?’

‘We held our positions, kept their forces from leaving the city. Other forces ravaged the rest of the planet while it was left relatively undefended, and eventually their leaders signed a surrender after we held all the refugees travelling towards the capital hostage.’ ‘Wow. You, uhh, you don’t sound very torn up about that.’ ‘It was a callous order, but it ended up saving more lives than it cost in the long run. I don’t know how every soldier treated them, but I was professional with the refugees I was tasked with managing. The week was rough, but I’d have made the same call.’ ‘Cool, cool. Hey, do you want to do something else maybe?’ I was having fun. I guess he’s a sore loser.

III

‘How about we listen to an album or something? I’m just gonna take a guess and say you don’t have too many opinions on music, do you?’ ‘Just nothing classical.’ It was all Tessa listened to. Lots of bad memories made to it. ‘No worries on that front, dad listens to a lot of it – I always thought it was pretty boring. Gonkrock sound good?’ I’ve never heard of that genre in my life. ‘Sure.’

This music is intense. It sounds like how blaster fire sailing over your head feels – overwhelming and smothering, but invigorating at the same time. Like if you don’t move you’ll die, so there’s nothing to do but throw caution to the wind and trust your life to a flurry of violence. I didn’t know music could make you feel this way.

Imperial anthems are austere and command respect, marching tunes have a rigid cadence that demands you fall in line, but this is raw. I can tell the band has no experience, and the singer will be mute if she keeps going like this, but they’re screaming their unfiltered passion for the whole galaxy to hear. It’s beautiful, it’s awful. I hate what it is musically, but I want to live what it is emotionally. ‘So, what’d you think of the first song?’

‘It sounded very bad, but in a way that I enjoyed. It made me feel the way I only do in combat, so I think we should stop listening to it to be safe.’ ‘Whoa. That’s a bit of an – intense reaction. I mean, most people think it sounds enjoyably shitty, but that last part I mean. Like what do you think’s gonna happen if we keep listening?’ ‘I don’t know. It fills my body with energy and adrenaline, which I’m only used to discharging through combat. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.’ He’s laughing. Surely he doesn’t think three days of training is enough to hold his own against me.

‘Well yeah, no shit, it’s mosh music – you just need to get up and flail around, let the energy out. That’s how you’re supposed to feel.’ ‘I’m not used to using my body like that. Could you demonstrate?’ ‘It’ll look a bit dumb without music, but sure. You just get up and you kinda go like this.’ He looks ridiculous. His movements have no rhyme or reason whatsoever, completely unstructured. But that’s how the music sounded, and I liked that.

‘Alright, I think I’m ready to try. Put the music on, but at a lower volume for a dry run. We can reevaluate after.’ I understand the logic behind this combination. The wild abandon of these movements compliment the passionate carelessness of the composition, augmenting the feelings while keeping them from reaching critical mass. ‘I understand the concept now. You can turn the music back up.’

These songs all blend together, make the minutes pass quickly. An obvious consequence is that the longer I spend flailing, the higher my core temperature rises. ‘Pause the music please.’ ‘Oh, what’s wrong, is it not working out for you any more?’ ‘No. My armor is skin tight, and I’m starting to sweat. Those are an unpleasant combination. My civilian clothes also accommodate sweat poorly. Would you be bothered if I continued in my underwear?’

Bothered isn’t the reaction I expect, but outright asking if it would arouse him would only deepen any awkward feelings. Barrack life desensitized me to the sexual appeal of underwear, but after seeing the uniform of Vranki’s girls it’s hard not to be reminded of how other people see them. This is entertaining though, and I’d like to keep going without needing to scrub out my body glove.

‘W-well, I mean, Koben – I know you don’t know this so I’m not, like, expecting anything; but generally stripping down to your underwear while raving is kind of a thing that happens right before boning down.’ I can infer what that term means. ‘I assumed there were connotations. Keep your clothes on in that case, you don’t seem to be bothered by the exertion.’ ‘I’m cold blooded, so I guess I can’t relate. Fine, uhh, I’ll do my best to not overreact, but, well, I mean – don’t say I didn’t warn you if I do anything weird.’

‘If you try anything inappropriate, I’m more than capable of stopping you.’ ‘Right, yeah, just imagine you snapping my wrist, that’ll put a damper on things. Alright, sure, go ahead. Ill be here when you get back.’ ‘I don’t need to walk back to my room just to take my armor off.’ ‘Hey that’s great, glad to hear it – I just realized I could do with a trip to the bathroom, maybe a glass of water. How long does it take to get out of that suit?’ ‘Under three minutes.’ ‘Cool, sounds good. You just go ahead and turn the music back on and keep dancing if you’re out of it when I get back. I’ve listened to this album like a hundred times, you can tell me about it when you’re done.’

Much better. The armor doesn’t hamper my range of movement by any meaningful amount, but the weight of it makes my movements a little more deliberate. That’s antithetical to what this music is about. It feels good. Symbolic. I’ve spent so long bound by rules and expectations that this is like a little act of rebellion, just for me. Not consequential enough to feel like I’m betraying the Empire, but personal enough to feel significant.

Why do I still care so much about the Empire? I’ve been a criminal for five years, and I killed my last connection to it when I left. Everything I’ve enjoyed since then has fallen afoul of it. Brayli’s beautiful curves are against bodily maintenance codes, this manor is built on crime, and I used to get called in to shut down concerts that sounded just like this.

I guess I still feel like I owe them for saving me from the mines, but I spent the next fifteen years working for them. I must have paid off my debt to them in that time. They even said I was one of the best soldiers they had. I hunted Jedi! Yeah, this shrieking woman has it right. “Fuck the Empire” indeed. The music stopped, the album must be over.

IV

‘So how’d you like the album?’ ‘Jaxon, why were you just watching me from the doorway?’ ‘Well for one thing, you were flailing so hard you’d have probably knocked me out if I’d tried to join you.’ ‘I see. It wasn’t that my underwear was too revealing?’ ‘Nah. When you first mentioned it I thought you were wearing like a bra and panties or something – that’s basically just a summer outfit, it’s fine. Guess military underwear can’t be too revealing or else you’d have been too busy fuckin’ and suckin’ to get anything done.’ ‘If that happened the Empire would find a way to streamline the process so it didn’t impede our work.’ Good to be able to joke about the soldier life with somebody.

‘The other reason is you were smiling, and it looked really nice on you. I mean you look really nice all the time, but like this wasn’t in a sexy way. You just looked like you were having a fun time, and I didn’t want you to feel self conscious knowing I was there. Sorry if you do now though, I guess.’ ‘I don’t. I’m glad to hear it, in fact. Smiling isn’t something I do often, and it doesn’t feel uncomfortable to be complimented on it.’ ‘You feel uncomfortable getting compliments?’

Enough people have said I’m attractive at this point that I suppose the only logical way to continue is to start thinking it’s true. It took hours of back and forth with the bacta engineer to decide how to make my body look, and Tessa took a vested interest in giving me suggestions – but she told me that she was tailoring it to look good to her. ‘My old girlfriend told me that my body was a guilty pleasure she let herself indulge in, and that I should keep it hidden from other people so it doesn’t scare them. So when someone compliments it, I feel like there must be something wrong with them, and that I shouldn’t accept compliments from someone like that.’

He’s stunned. I’ve been starting to think that must not be the case lately, considering Brayli is so sweet, and Seline is such an expert, and they were both attracted to me. Jaxon is a teenage boy – they’re not exactly known for being very discerning about their taste in women, but the three of them together make a well rounded panel of judges.

‘Koben, I don’t even know what to say. I kind of want to ask my dad to put out a hit on your ex girlfriend right now.’ ‘She’s already dead.’ ‘Oh, good, glad to hear it. You’re – okay, I’ve been trying not to say it because you’re my teacher and all; but it sounds like you could do with having it spelled out for you – so do I have permission? I’m not gonna keep myself from getting, uhh, graphic about it.’ ‘Proceed.’ It sounds like I could use an outside perspective.

‘You’re really hot. Like, I mean, holy shit. I know we kind of already went through this a couple days ago, but clearly you don’t get it. Those muscles of yours? Hot as hell. Half the time when you threaten to put me in a headlock it turns me on. There’s a – I don’t really expect you to know anything about this, but there’s like an entire category of adult holovids dedicated to muscular women, and you’re even more built than most of them.’ ‘Do you browse this category often?’ ‘H-hey, c’mon, focus here!’ I suppose so, from that response. He has no reason to be lying, so I guess muscles on women are considered attractive.

‘Your ex-military look is also a huge turn on. The way you carry yourself, your resting expression, the scar: I mean you even said it yourself how hot you were for your old teacher, that’s how I feel about you! Or at least, how I felt – we’re friends so I don’t really see that any more when I look at you, I just see Koben, but before we really got to know each other I definitely could see you levying out “punishment”, if you get my meaning.’ ‘I do. This is a lot to take in, but keep going.’ Maybe I should have put that one together on my own. I guess I just thought most people grew out of liking being punished because they didn’t feel so guilty.

‘This is – well, fuck it I guess, I’m already oversharing. Sometimes when you’re not in your armor I can see just like a tiiiiny bit of bush poking out of your waistband and shirt, and that’s just really hot. Like, sometimes implication is a lot hotter than just flat out seeing it, and combined with how you’re not even trying to do it it just – I’m running out of ways to say it.’ Huh. I wanted to get rid of that hair because it gets caught in the body glove if I don’t shave it often enough, but Tessa insisted on keeping it.

‘It’s starting to sound like everything about me is attractive. But that makes no sense to me. I’m not trying to be attractive, so how could I be doing it?’ Nobody ever felt this way about the other soldiers.

‘Because you’re a woman! You’re a woman who’s being herself, and that’s one of the hottest things a woman can be! A lot of the prostitutes dad sometimes hires for guests aren’t half as sexy as you are because they’re obviously putting a ton of effort into it, and like; I appreciate that effort, don’t get me wrong, but it makes it feel fake. How obviously you’re not trying to be sexy is the sexiest thing about you!’ Oh. I guess I am a woman to people. Now it all makes sense. I’ve felt this way about women for a long time.

‘I see. I never really felt like a woman. No, that’s not true: I never felt like other people felt I was a woman. My ex always told me that it would be best for me to wear the armour around other people, because they could tell I used to be a man anyway. That she was the only one who could accept me for what I was.’ ‘Hey Koben, you gave me permission to say anything about you – could you extend that to your ex real quick?’ ‘Granted.’

‘Fuck her. She sounds like a cunt, and you must have had horrible taste in women to fall for her. I hope since then you’ve come to your senses on that at least, because she must’ve really done a number on you if it took me spelling out how hot you are for you to realize it.’ Maybe she did. ‘Thank you. I’ve had moments where I thought similar things about her, but I always figured she must have known better than me since she was my superior officer, and a real woman.’

‘Look I’m gonna be honest – at this point it sounds like everything she said about you must have been wrong. You’re hot, you’re a real woman, and if you really need more proof: let me go find you one of the dancer outfits, take a few pictures of you, put them up online, and check back tomorrow to see what people have to say.’ I trust him. He’s too awkward to lie anyway. I can see myself in his mirror right now. If I saw a woman who looked like this, I’d be pretty turned on too. He’s right. I am a real woman.

I really can’t thank him enough for saying all this. Hopefully being able to laugh about it will get the point across. ‘Nice try you little pervert, your father doesn’t have enough credits to put me in one of those outfits.’ ‘Ah well, I had to try. You ready for lunch?’

[berrymeter]

ill do a little write up of the concert below. for me. and anyone who reads it. for reference i don't know anything about any of these people beside sik-k & rome if u think i am being too kind to someone i probably am. unless u think i am being too kind to rome. fuck u

so i didnt know what to expect for the start of the concert bc ive never had a proper dj experience before but howmini's set was great. i had a really good time aside from the one jungkook song slipping in. she included a french rap song which i think surprised everyone in the venue but it was suchhh a throwback everyone LOVED this song when it came out so the venue was fired up. lots of flashing lights though. the bass was also so strong it felt like it was suffocating me at times but maybe i'm just sensitive. very good experience

i had... negative expectations for lil cherry because my friend & i tried to check out her & goldbuuda's music before the concert & um. 💀 it wasn't. good. but anyway their energy on stage is infectious enough that it was fine actually. & lil cherry sounds a lot better live lmao. without all the autotune. god autotune can be used well but it is no surprise to me that they don't use it well. seems like they're having fun which i suppose is the most important part. worth noting goldbuuda was wearing a skirt which was a great actual first impression

no way around it, be'o set was fucking awesome?? aside from the obvious i would say that was my favourite. i don't have a lot to add i just really enjoyed the music

by that point though my brain was melting & ash island decided to play the slowest fucking songs known to man. i was so sick of it instantly & was close to passing out. in a concert venue. had like 3 songs i kinda liked but mostly i was begging internally for his part to end. with 4 hours of sleep i was Not doing great there lmao

then was sik-k. as expected the crowd was loud as fuck so i partook in that too lmao. (i had yelled everytime others had yelled prior to that except for ash island i was sick of it. so sick of it. i only yelled like. 5 times. very quietly) it was a good time!! it felt like a party and everyone knew the lyrics. he had a hat on. i don't know if i would say what he has is stage presence but he certainly commands the crowd in an impressive way. no this is stage presence. he's here & everyone goes wild. it was awesome.

now. rome.

i came in with a few preconceptions. first. it was a concert full of rappers. rome is not a rapper so what now. second. if i remember correctly when indi went to see dpr the crowd was silent during rome's songs. the result of this was that i was terrified the people that were here for him had bought tickets straight to the man's abs (in their wishes at least he did not take his shirt off) & everyone else was just here for sik-k & by extension the rest of the rappers. (i would not expect anyone to come to that concert for howmini i'm sorry howmini.)

I Was Wrong And Delighted. This Audience Sure Was Singing

his set was the best and by far. i understand why they kept him for last aside from not wanting people to leave after he was done. he's not a rapper but he's a dancer an actor a narrator a performer. he ended this beautifully. opened with mito then rolled into so beautiful before speaking to the crowd. he's charismatic & corny & somehow the corny makes him more charismatic. he called us "good sport" & i was exploding him with my mind. the way he introduced each song was, yes, corny but he makes corny so endearing & real. but yeah next he played calico bc he's a show off & really wanted to remind us he's good with a bass. and yeah he is good with a bass. iirc next was 1 shot, or maybe before calico actually??? head's all fuzzy but i know he performed both & goddd 1 shot was so fun!!! the choreography the lights! all of it's perfect!

after that i'm pretty sure it was bad cold. and god. the performance. i wish i remembered more of it but what i can tell you for sure is that it was so fucking good. it ended with all the dancers and him shivering, then him leaning over to one of the dancers & going "it's a bit cold isn't it" which. looks at the wall. anyway don't go insane was next & THAT choreo i remember very clearly bc it reminded me of thriller. and it was, of course, fucking fantastic. he is so fucking good at what he does. i'm going to frow up. anyway this was all mindblowing

next dope lovers. it is so good live. it's not one of my favourites off of mito but god was it fucking good. i feel that way about calico too i'm definitely a mood fan but yeah. live performances elevate so many songs & i'm glad i got to enjoy calico & dope lovers more thanks to that.

it was a pretty short set all things considered bc there were already only two songs left but i FEASTED. it makes sense that it was these two songs but i was so fucking happy. nerves! of course nerves! you can imagine the state i was in. (not crying) (it was similar to destroya at the mcr concert) (i screamed the lyrics at the top of my lungs & broke my voice a decent amount) (i cried more than enough to this song already but i probably will again some time)

and the last song was of course ballroom. and the crowd goes WILD!!!!!!!! i'm surprised i didn't cry but i might've been too tired to cry lmao. i haven't slept yet of course. but it was such an experience. and. sigh. i know he is a performer it's his job to be appealing & pleasant but he presents himself as so kind. & i mean i've seen him at pretty low lows whether i like it or not so it's hard to not believe him. kinda feels like he bares his soul to people very easily (that's not a good thing in his case but regardless). & he's just so nice. & it was just such a good way to end the concert. i was annoyed he was last bc i knew i would be exhausted but in the end that was the best possible way for things to go. i'm very happy & fulfilled.

dabin should've been there instead of ash island tho. no hate hes just not dabin

[bixiaoshi]

.

[okashiras]

Why do you think duffer brothers decided to revisit stancy and do you think they're gonna keep exploring them in season 5?

why indeed? i've been asking myself the same question. the only reason i can come up with is it's probably more interesting from a writing standpoint??

they have made steve romantic to the core (i mean, the reason he was thrusted into this world in the first place is because he loved nancy so much that he went back to fight the demogorgon for her) but still had no clear resolution in sight. they were almost building up a potential romance for him in s3 but ultimately didn't (and were better for it, frankly). and (fortunately for them, i guess) the steve/nancy breakup was written clumsily enough that steve's longing gaze in the end of s2 can be interpreted as an ellipsis to their story instead of actual closure.

nancy pairing up with jonathan never did push either of their characters forward. it was like events were written solely for the sake of getting them together and so when they finally did, the writers didn't know what to do with them anymore. (eg, putting nancy in the will exorcism group in s2 where she did nothing but stand and sweat while jonathan held onto her sometimes, etc) and their friction in s3 only proved their (totally valid) differences were more fundamental than anything that it's probably become difficult to justify writing how they're a good match for each other.

it’s a season of retcon and course correction lmfao!! from brenner being alive somehow to changing eleven’s memory of how the gate opened, etc etc, they were probably more willing to cut their losses and that includes jonathan/nancy?? ...and jonathan’s character too which is a shame but i dunno, maybe they can still salvage that by defining him outside of being a brother/son/boyfriend. is it clumsy writing? yeah, but i mean, the writing has always been kinda clumsy lmfao!! i’m just gonna stay in my corner and eat my meal, thanks.

exploring steve/nancy would be consistent to the overarching theme of this season, which is confronting one's past pain/trauma. for nancy, that's always been barb's demise. and the writers probably realized how steve has a significant role there too, and how that's what led to the dissolution of their relationship, and how they have both changed as a result, and how nancy can ultimately absolve herself (and their relationship) of that guilt. their feelings resurfacing again after they have both matured and grown would mean they broke up not for lack of affection for each other but because they didn't know how to deal with grief and trauma at the time, and that they're better-equipped and are in a better position to overcome it as they are now. and that seems pretty realistic (and more interesting) to me if i were writing?? over "shared trauma" as a reason to push forward a romance without even unpacking what that means anyway lol

they are both well-defined characters on their own and are tied to their own specific genre reference that their storylines converging felt like magic, frankly. why not add a little romance there too as a treat?

the narrative symmetry of it is sexy???

the impression i got from this video is the duffers just throw steve these random storylines and he sticks the landing magnificently every time because he’s so great. and i’m buying into this s4 stancy renaissance 2022 obviously i’m sorry they just hit different if you get it then you get it

i dunno what’s in store for s5 other than apparently there’s gonna be a timeskip? i think what’s important in closing s4 is they finally meet eye-to-eye as they are now, so that whatever happens in the time before s5 (whether they break up or take the next step in the relationship or whatever else), they’re doing it as themselves?? that is, not hindered by trauma, guilt, etc.

[rek1s-headband]

Oh oh! Can we get some hedcanons about cherry adopting a girl who is around miya's age. Like how close would they be and how would others feel about her being his daughter now. Bonus points if uncel Joe and little missy mess with daddy blossom

Xoxo love your work so far, keep it up💙

➯ A/N: This was such an amazing request, I had so much fun writing it! Hope you enjoy :)

Also, i started watching Your Lie in April today, and its AMAZING! So much more than what I was expecting

➯ With a daughter

➯ Characters: Kaoru Sakurayashiki with a young daughter. Reki, Langa and co. are mentioned throughout!

➯ Warnings: none:)

Having a child had never crossed Kaoru’s mind before, but when Joe had teased him about how “you treat Carla better than you would a child!”, the idea kind of stuck with him. And so, he’d spent countless nights awake, wondering to himself if it was something he truly wanted?

He’d pass parks, seeing parents with spewing babies and toddlers throwing tantrums, wondering if he could actually put up with that? But as he passed the shops, he came across a mother and her daughter, who looked around 12. He watched them pass, a grin on the child’s face as she looked into her shopping bag, examining her haul for that day. And so it was settled

He wanted a baby girl he could spoil absolutely rotten

And the search for a child carried on, and this time instead of baby shops and websites, he was browsing the shelves of Claires and other tween clothing stores. It had only occurred to him over a bottle of wine with Joe, as they were discussing if Kaoru was truly ready for something like this. Instead of a crying baby or a messy toddler, he could simply adopt someone a bit older!

It made sense too. For a single parent, an older child seemed much more doable. Of course, he wouldn’t be alone. Joe was always telling him how he’d help out, yknow, if he actually went through with the damn thing.

Not to mention, the older you get, the more difficult it is to get adopted. Babies and young children will get adopted left right and centre, whereas the child he will take home will have been there for a while. Finally, they will have a place to call a home

He spent months trying to get the approval for adoption, and one fateful day he finally got the letter that yes he could go ahead and take one home. He was ecstatic, spending the next few days finding out the location of every orphanage around his area of Japan. He messaged every single one, asking when their next visiting day was

And so it was set: Kaoru would not rest until he had found his perfect little girl

He went through orphanage after orphanage, searching for someone he could call his own. However, none of the children were lighting that paternal flame inside him. It wasn’t their fault of course, they just didn’t click with him, staring at him any time he tried to talk to them. Visit after visit, he’d go to Joe’s, ready to tell him about his recent fail.

It wasn’t until Joe came up to him with a phone number, asking if he’d been to this particular orphanage yet. Apparently they had a few children aged 12 and up, and were available for visit that Saturday. And so there he was, packing a bag and getting ready to travel to the house. This time felt different, somehow. He could feel his palms sweat, as if he could sense he would take one of them home

When he finally made it to the house, he was a nervous wreck. The lady of the house let him in with a smile, telling him the children were in the backyard playing while she bounced a baby on her hip. Cherry winced as the baby gurgled at him, glad he opted for an older child

She led him outside, gesturing at the children who were sprinting around in the vast field, hiding behind trees and bushes. It was clear they were playing a game of hide and seek. He smiled as he scanned over them, but it quickly disappeared when he noticed one little girl sitting on the step, head in her lap while her shoulders gently shook with tears

He walked over to her, bending down with a soft smile. He didn’t know where this sudden calmness came from, but that was his last priority right now. A little gash sat on the girls knee, caked with blood as it trickled down her shin. He frowned, pulling out a tissue to gently wipe it. She jumped, wincing with shock from the fresh wave of pain, and surprise. Kaoru gently wiped at her knee once more before looking up at her to attempt a conversation

“Hello, is your knee alright?” She shook her head frantically, wiping a tear away from her face. A small breathy laugh escaped him as he watched the child stand, gesturing to her leg

“Nope, not at all. I think its broken, if you ask me. All cause of that stupid thing!” She threw her arm out, gesturing to a pink board Kaoru hadn’t noticed before. A skateboard.

That’s when Kaoru realised it: I want this one

Suddenly he felt a new sense of importance, like he had to make a good impression. He walked over to the board, tutting as he looked down at it. “This is what hurt you?” He looked at it with disdain as the little girl nodded her head violently. Kaoru could see how she hurt herself, the thing was massive, especially for someone her age. It looked around the size of a board he would use.

Grinning, he picked up the board. “Well, want to see something cool?” She watched in wonder as kaoru stood on it, pushing off and turning quickly, popping an ollie over a stray toy. The little girl jumped, throwing her arms up as she cheered Kaoru on. He finished with a flourish, coming back to stand beside her. “What did you think?” She was speechless, simply moving her hands, saying scattered “wows” and making various sound effects. Kaoru smiled, certain that he could teach her more.

When he realized visiting time was coming to a close, he proposed the idea to the girl, who’s name he had come to know was Lily: he’d come back next week, and he’d bring his board. He even promised to find her a smaller boar perfect for her to learn on, saying he knew a friend who could make her one. From there he would teach her the basics of skateboarding, even a couple of tricks once she got that down. She was delighted, bouncing up and down and declaring she couldn’t wait, all the energy of someone much younger than her. Kaoru found he couldn’t stop smiling himself either

He made his way back through the house, Lily skipping alongside him. He explained the plan to the Lady, that he would come back next week for another visit. Just as he was about to leave, he turned to the lady to request one final thing from her

“Make sure no one snatches her up from me while I’m gone, yeah?”

Needless to say a bottle of wine was opened at Joe’s that night in celebration of Lily, the potential daughter

And so the weeks turned into months, and Kaoru returned each week with his board and some sweets for her and the other children, teaching her everything she needed to know about skateboarding. After a month or so she could confidently ollie without bailing, and next time he visited she displayed it with delight, watching Kaoru’s face light up with pride.

She had taken a real liking to Kaoru, according to the Lady. She refused to pay any other visitors any notice, declaring they “simply weren’t Kaoru.” This is what finally made him realise that maybe it was time to ask if she’d like to live with him from now on, where she could practice with him every day.

When he asked her, Kaoru could’ve sworn he actually saw stars in her eyes. She simply lit up, throwing herself at Kaoru, tears streaming down her face as she shouted yes, of course she would. she wasn’t the only one crying, Kaoru could barely see from the tears in his own eyes, the lady dabbing at hers with a tissue

Once the paperwork was complete and Lily was his, he felt a weight had been taken off his shoulders. He had packed her a new change of clothes the day he went to collect her, bringing Joe along with him for emotional support. Lily came flying at him the second he got out of his car, wrinkling her nose at Joe

“You never told me you had a boyfriend, Kaoru” she stuck her tongue out at him from over his shoulder while they both tried to convince her that no, they weren’t a couple, before she ran upstairs to get changed. Joe turned to Kaoru, an almost offended look on his face

“Why were you so adamant that we weren’t together??” “I dont need her worrying she’s going home to a Gorrila” “HEY”

Once they all got home, they threw a little party at Joe’s who had closed a little early specially for it. Kaoru didn’t let her out of his sight, making sure she wasn’t uncomfortable with all the new people. Of course, it was only Joe, Shadow, Reki, Langa and Miya, all of whom she would meet eventually, but he still worried in case she got overwhelmed.

She made quick friends with Reki, who was ecstatic from the moment he realised she could skate. The two bonded over it, talking about tricks they’d learned, Reki shouting over at Kaoru because why hadn’t he taught him anything??

Miya was a bit standoffish at first, but when she saw the switch in his hand, the two were instantly bonding over who had better villagers in Animal Crossing, and who had passed more levels in Mario with three stars

As the months went on, Lily really settled into her new life in Okinawa, starting at school in Miyas class. The two were joined at the hip, Miya often coming home to Kaoru’s so they could practice together, or simply study and watch some movies. Reki constantly teased the shit out of the two, talking about how he heard “wedding bells”. This comment earned him a swift whack into the skull from Kaoru, warning him not to tease his little girl

Soon enough Kaoru was making her own skateboard with built-in Carla, who helped her skating improve insanely. As Kaoru said, she was definitely a chip off the old block. Langa and Reki would take her to the skate park with them, helping her land new tricks and would take videos of her to send to Kaoru

Shadow was like a chill uncle to her, bringing her flowers for her room and taking her out to get some clothes and ice cream. Joe was like an uncle too, but a much more untrustworthy one. Would he take her to the park, or would he take her to parts of downtown she definitely shouldn’t have been? Who knows, certainly not Kaoru...

Poor Kaoru can never get a minutes peace. Every second of the day she’s plotting something, waiting for him to let his guard down so she can pounce, scaring the shit out of him. When the others are around its 10x worse, all of them ganging up on him to pull pranks

As well as skateboarding, Kaoru tried to teach her how to do calligraphy. She ended up being awful, blotting the ink and smearing it with her hand. But hey, it was a fun art project that made it onto the fridge

At S, she was watched like a hawk. When Kaoru was competing,the others would be like her bodyguard, making sure no one got within 5 feet of her. She’d watch her dad with wonder, the look of awe never leaving her face since the first day she saw him skate. She can’t wait for the day she can compete, maybe even beating her own dad

The first time Lily called Kaoru “dad” was when he won a race, showing off some amazing skills and winning the insanely close match by a hair. He picked up his board, looking around for Lily. He saw her in the crowd, throwing her arms up and cheering “THATS MY DAD!! LOOK, RIGHT THERE, THATS MY DAD!” When she spotted him, a large grin spread across her face. “Nice job out there dad! You did amazing!! D’you think I can do that one day?”

Everyone was staring at her, she hadn’t even realised she had said anything out of the ordinary. Soon enough Kaoru was lunging at her, picking her up in a hug so she didn’t see the tears quickly forming on his face. With a smile he pulled away, his voice dripping with pride

“Of course you could. You’re my daughter, aren’t you?”

[husbandohunter]

Dear Father [Genshin Impact/Diluc x Reader]

Synopsis: Wherever you are wherever you may be, even if you are beyond my reach, I only wish to see you again. -from a letter lost in the wind.

(A story where you and Diluc somehow managed to meet Crepus)

Genre: all fluff

"I know how late I am to father's day but here's my father's day take on Genshin Impact! Just let Diluc be happy for once T_T Mihoyo pls."

============================

Discovering Master Crepus' old belongings was like wandering in a domain surrounded by ancient artifacts. Each piece holding the memory of someone you've never met.

The paintings. Master Crepus loved to paint. Typically birds were the main muse of this portraits since they deeply embodied Mondstadt's values for freedom which shows you how much he cherished this city just like his son did. In almost every hallway you walked through there was a collection of his paintings, some belonged to another artist but the majority was an original work. Diluc didn't have the heart to sell them.

Elzer. He was one of the oldest workers who served under the Ragnvindr name, ever since Master Crepus had appointed him during his earlier days. You were told that he treated everyone, both staff and noble, with equal respect. Almost all the denizens of Mondstadt knew this man for he was not only noble in riches but also in the soul.

"I'm sure he would have loved to meet you in person. Now that I think about it, you and Master Crepus are quite similar. Haha, it seems that Master Diluc was selective in terms of who he wanted for his future bride."

Elzer adds with a light chuckle but the statement only made you more curious. A man who affected the lives of so many others, he must have been a wonderful person.

Diluc. The bloodline Master Crepus left behind after his death, a piece of himself and the heir to the whole wine industry, his son Diluc. Although you could see the resemblance in appearance, both of them were men of prinicples and values, putting Mondstadt first before anything else and you suddenly realized if that was the reason why Diluc was so protective of this city. As if, it were everything he had? You could tell he loved Master Crepus very much, not because he said so, rather the painful expression buried deep within his crimson glare whenever someone brought up the topic. Diluc was skilled in hiding himself, it's something he practiced over the years of working alone, though he lowered his guard as long as you were the only one present.

Even so, he had many conflicts still wringing him internally and you didn't want to push him until the day he felt ready to personally tell you himself.

But it would be nice if he opened up, just a little bit.

There were times when you would worry since Diluc had the tendency to hide his feelings for the sake of not troubling you. He wanted to keep life simple and bright, bringing the best to the table while making sure that you lived safely out of harm's way. You couldn't seem to get him to understand that as lovers, you would be happy to help him, in anything. Unconditionally. It was natural for you to feel the need to force yourself in every once in a while and there was nothing more you wanted to know than the story of the man who raised him.

You would even jest on the idea of what it fel like to meet Master Crepus in person. Were you able to reach his standards by any chance? Would he have liked you just as everyone claimed? Of course, they were only silly indulgent thoughts so you quickly dismissed them in the end. Bringing back the past was impossible no matter how badly you wanted it. You closed your heart on that possibility.

On a lovely evening, while you and Diluc were taking your time off Angel's Share to make a stroll around Mondstadt's quiet streets, a strange merchant called over to you. She displayed various antiques ranging from different sizes to designs, none of them seemed to haven been carved in the same place but distinct cultures throughout Teyvat. The only thing they had in common was that they were all equally beautiful to the eye.

However a particular item of what looks like to be a heart locket snatches your attention and you instantly became mesmerized, allured by it's mysterious charm.

"Ah, the locked heart caught your fancy, my lady? It's said once you open it, you will be set free."

"It's magnificent..." you muttered, staring unabashed at the shining surface.

Diluc who was observing from behind folded his arms and tilts his head, "How much is that?"

Although you intended to simply inspect the choices, your lover immediately offers to pay. They all already gave the impression of a hefty price and you didn't want him to spend his fortune on things that deemed unecessary. Still, this wasn't the first time it happened. Diluc would always insist whenever you protested against him from buying anything, it was just a way of expressing his affections towards you. Mora was never a problem and you were priceless. That's how he sees things. You had to remind yourself to be careful when stumbling upon a bustling area full of salesmen next time.

"Five hundred thousand mora."

He purchased it without hesitation.

On your way home, Diluc noticed that something was amiss. You couldn't tear your gaze from the locket as if it had hypnotized you by the golden smooth surface. He had to ensure you didn't run into anyone by accident, tugging your arm closer so that it gave him an opportunity to lead you where you yourself could not. Surely it must have been the appearance but instead of being drawn by, you were drawn in. Completely.

I wonder...what will happen if I open it?

"(Y/n)?" Diluc narrows his eyebrows together. Did you like it that much? No, he knew you weren't the type to be so etranced by jewelry, this was certainly different. Even the merchant seemed a little suspicious when she approached you and Diluc couldn't ignore the heavy sense of aminosity that was emitted around her aura. He couldn't think within her presence but now that his mind was much clearer, he was able to use his skillful judgements.

"Wait...! Don't open it yet-"

However, he was too late.

The wind picks up at an alarming speed and you both brought up your arms to block the debris that had flown in the way. They swirled in non-stop motion until your worlds were engulfed with not even the sky in sight. Amidst the turmoil Diluc latchest onto you and holds your body close his chest as he was determined to protect against any force that dared to hurt you. Something heavy knocks his head and he winces, tighting his hold even further. Your voice could hardly be heard with all the noise that rung around and eventually you discovered the the world wasn't disappearing. You both were.

The last thought you had was the image of Master Crepus and you didn't know why.

---

"Diluc? Diluc?"

He faintly heard his name through a series of echoes. Diluc fights to regaind concousness, feeling your grip upon his shoulder while trying to urge him awake.

"Diluc are you alright?"

Your worried face was the first thing he sees other than the fog that looms above. Diluc blinks a few times in an attempt to ease his migraine, using one arm to force his body into a seating position as he allowed himself to be supported by you at the same time.

"Does your head hurt?" You ask, palming gently against his forehead to feel the heat. Even if her was usually very warm, there was no unusual rise in tempurature, something must have hit him instead, "Here, maybe this will help."

Bringing out your hand you concentrated on generating the water through your fingertips. Having a hydro vision meant you were capable of healing magic which Diluc appreciated since he often came home late at night with injuries hidden behind his sleeves. But nothing came out and he became even more suspicious of the situation.

"Eh? What's going on?" You blurted out, patting down your clothes and your pockets, "My Vision, it's gone too!"

"Mine as well," Diluc flexes his fingers to test his own element, "It seems that our powers were sealed once we entered this domain."

"A domain that prevents you from using a Vision? That doesn't sound very comforting," you scratched your head, suddenly remembering the cause of your current problem, "The locket...it's all starting to make sense now. Ugh, I should have listened to you earlier, I'm sorry Diluc."

"No (Y/n), you don't have to apologize," he interjects and you returned a curious glance, "I should have stopped you the minute I discovered there was something strange. I was too careless."

"You felt that too? I thought I was the only one," your tone and face mimics one of surprise. The fog continues to dance around, enclosing the two of you to the small area. You lifted your head and looked above in deep contemplation, "When I saw the locket I couldn't tear my eyes off of it, like something was pulling me in. Like...there was a spell casted on it."

"What do you mean?" he asked in an inquisitive manner.

You nod, "I can't put my finger on it bit Ifel that the locket wanted me to..." balling your fist upon your lap, you stared intensely at the floor as if drilling holes into them while digging into the depths of your mind for any specific clues. Initially you thought the locket was so captivating that you were simply charmed by it's craftmanship. But tere was more than that, you began deciphering, there was also a need for fulfillment. A yearning desire, "to know. The locket was calling me to know."

'Once you open it, you will be set free.'

"To know..." you trailed off. How strange. No matter how much you tried to rationalize, you were always brought back to the same square as if the locket knew exactly what you wanted. What you were lacking. Because the one thing you wanted to know most about was the person you've never met, "Someone very important to you."

The fog dispersed.

Diluc instinctively puts an arm in front of you defensively as he scanned his quick and thorough eyes around the area. It didn't take long for him to know exactly where everything was. In fact, the abrupt change isn't what puts him on high alert, but it was how familiar everything looked to the point he evaluates if there was any reason to be skeptical or if he should be breathtaken.

"What a beautiful house," However you didn't recognize it. Diluc knew because he had yet to meet you during the time he lived in this estate, "I wonder who does it belong to?"

"Father's old mansion...how?" Diluc breatlessly mutters, as if seeing the supremecy of Celestia for the first time. When years passed after his father died, he chose to sell off the majority of his belongings, the mansion being on for example. Currently it was in the possession of a well-known business associate that used to be a friend of Crepus. The mansion would likely have looked much different due to the renovations it gone through but Diluc remembers the picture as if this were yesterday. Everything was in tact. The vine yard, the gazebo where they drank tea, the hill that he and Kaeya used to race on when they were kids-

Revelation burns in his pupils as his eyes expanded.

"Welcome home, my son."

Both you and Diluc fall wordless at the sight that appeared like a miracle's blessing. Crepus stands at a distance, the graceful smile complimenting his warm features. He looked exactly how the court artists portrayed him in the Ragnvindr's family picture. Sharp face with gentle eyes and an aura that was as pleasant as what Elzer described.

"So this is why the locket was calling to us," you whispered, "I guess the mora really was worth it after all."

"...Fa...ther...."

You snuck a glance at Diluc. From behind the resemblance was as clear as dawn, like you were staring at a carbon copy of Master Crepus himself. Almost. He was a less hardened version of Diluc during uncommon situations. It made you think just how much you didn't know before his father passed away. What kind of person was this man during his days as a knight? You never had the chance to know.

"Father is that really you?" Diluc couldn't help his voice from trembling, paralyzed in place when he could hardly make sense of what stands in front of him. The person he longed to hear from, the person who left the world too quick, Diluc was afraid to get his hopes up in case his father suddenly disappeared and everything was just an illusion conjured by his mind. He was already used to being betrayed and dealt with disappointment too often. Which is why he learned to trust only himself. But, right now, can he really trust himself?

Feeling your hand gently on his shoulders, Diluc was brought back to reality. You smiled with warm reassurance that bled into your voice, "It's okay Diluc. Go, I'm here for you."

There was the faintest light shining in his eyes as emotions swell in his chest. Ever since you came Diluc never had to feel alone anymore, truly, you were the light that was brought back into his eyes, to his life when he gave up the thought of seeing it again. If he couldn't trust himself then at the very least, he could trust you.

"Thank you," he embraces you wholly like you were everything, and you were, before letting go and taking off to the otherside.

The air hits him in a rush and knocks the ones out of his lungs, "Father!" Diluc yells with tearful eyes. For the first time in a long while he was finally letting his feelings run free, "Father!" A name that felt foreign upon words that is pushes him forward, wanting to claim the truth that was smiling from afar.

"Father!"

Crepus lifted his arms and openly catches Diluc when he crashed into him. Here. He was here. He certainly was.

"Haha its been a while hasn't it my son?" He begins, encasing Diluc in a hug like he did the day he turned eighteen. Crepus was a tall man and his genes seemed to have went through. Back when they were younger, Diluc managed to only reach the blade of his shoulders, just barely. Now they were practically the same height, "Look how much you've grown over the years. There were so many things I planned to say but I don't know where to start."

Seven years. That was how long Crepus spent alone with his thoughts. He saw what happened through that time span, the truth about the Knights and Kaeya's origins. To say that none of that bothered him would be a lie. Especially when his son was the most impacted throughout all the events.

"Father I...I-" Diluc tries to speak but the words dissolved the moment it reached his tongue. He wasn't the type to be very good at expressing emotions. None of it could simply be communicated by sentences. For him, actions spoke louder yet somehow, they still wouldn't be enough. Nothing can comprehend the weight of seven years.

Crepus seemed to have understood and fills in the gap instead, "I have also missed you and Kaeya. More than I can even say. It must have been so hard for you both to endure it all by yourselves. Life hits us when we least expect it but despite that, you still chose to persevere."

Diluc clenches his hold, face buried in his shoulders and mouth quivering as he barely answers, "Yeah."

"You're both my pride and joy no matter what happens, as a father I cannot be more proud," before knowing, everything that was said came out naturally from his spirit. Crepus may have his own set of things to share but he knew what Diluc needed the most, "So please don't stop relying on one another, don't always think that you have to do everything alone. Stength is a virtue. However, its okay to let go and allow new people to come into your life. I don't need to be avenged, as long as you and Kaeya are happy, its all I ask for."

As if the world had been lifted from his shoulders, Diluc allows himself to break just this once. On the outside, he was known to be an unstoppable force, the Mondstadt tycoon, the uncrowned king and a hero who serves at night. But here you saw only a boy who dearly missed his father as he hugs him tightly. Although you couldn't hear their conversation clearly, just watching them from where you stood was enough to make your eyes glisten from pure happiness.

"You finally chose to open your heart, right Diluc?" You quietly note to yourself, "You don't have to carry everything by yourself anymore, you're free."

'Once you open it, you will be set free.'

He was able to dwell in this one in a lifetime experience, all because you unlocked the heart and dispersed the fog inside.

They spent a good amount of minutes bringing the distance back together after being seperated for so many years. You made sure to make minimal movements in the consideration of their time. It was only temporary until Crepus noticed you standing in the distance and he gave you a quick glance. Your whole body tenses in response, suddenly feeling guilty as if you were a third wheel who didn't belong in the moment between two family members.

He's staring at me. Diluc's father is staring at me! Your thoughts panicked along with your thrumming heart. What should I do?!!

"I see you've brought someone along with you," He comments, the playfulness rising in his tone, "She seems to have been waiting for quite a while already. If you don't mind, may you do the honours of introducing her to me?"

Diluc turns to see you stiffened in place with your hands tightly clasped below your stomach and heat pooling from your ear to your cheeks as you dipped your head down. His father was a kind man and he couldn't understand there the discomfort came from, yet found it endearing nonetheless. Diluc walks over to you and extends his hand, silently urging you to come with him. You complied, albeit hesitantly at first.

"It'll be okay my love," he whispered softly, causing you to be taken aback by the nickname he called you by. Diluc often reserves them for special instances and this was one of them, "Whatever the staff told you about my father, they're the truth. Trust in their judgement. Trust in me."

"Diluc..." you say, voice fading. You knew him to be someone who always kept his word and someone who would never lie to you. Taking in a short breath, you nodded, "Alright, I will," and followed his lead.

There was once a time where you indulged in the idea of facing Master Crepus in person. But never did you prepare yourself for the amount of pressure it came with. Now that you were together with his son, there was a high chance that he would also become part of his family too, sooner or later. You weren't just meeting Master Crepus. You were also meeting your future father-in-law.

"Father, this is (Y/n)," Diluc starts the welcoming exchanges. You felt his hand squeeze yours gently. He turns to you so that you caught glimpse of his face, seeing the reverance in his gaze that was hinted among his handsome features, "She's the woman I fell in love with and I would do anything to make her happy. I cherish her more than anything else."

"D-Diluc!" you flushed, your embarassment as red as his own hair. But he wasn't bothered by it in the slightest.

"I only speak the truth."

Master Crepus lets out a content chuckle, drawing both of your attentions back to him, "He can be surprising poetic sometimes but I'm sure that he got it from me. Even my wife reacted the same way," he reminisced shortly before sighing, "In truth I already knew that you were together. Staying in the after life gave me the chances to watch things from an omniscient standpoint, I was sincerely worried how Diluc would handle things when I suddenly left, I hope you don't mind. If you do, I apologize for making you uncomfortable."

"N-Not at all!"

"Haha, you're very kind. Thank you. I'm glad that my son was able to find a woman like you to be his fated partner. As a parent, it brings me great reassurance," Crepus remarked, "I know he can be stubborn and a little too headstrong when it comes to making decisions. It really must be a handful for you to deal with at times but I promise you that he means well. So please continue to watch over him in my stead, take care of my son while I'm gone."

"You can count on me," you beamed, "I'll give it my all."

"You have my gratitude (Y/n)," Crepus replies and turned to Diluc, "And listen to her every once in a while. I may have been the previous owner of our wine industry but even I always make sure to get me sufficient amount of rest. Son you know its bad to get two to three hours of sleep every day."

You blinked, "Two to three hours?"

Diluc clears his throat, "I understand Father. You don't have to say it."

Oh I think he does.

With a satisfied grin, Crepus took both of your hands together in his and gave you his blessings. The man once considered to be an artifact through the vast mansion was going to be part of the memories in your life. All of your expressions held as much happiness as the future can become now that he gave you the closure you both needed.

[redphlox]

Dabi's fear of feelings and connections

Dabi is a walking contradiction; he says he doesn't care about anyone, but his flames, which are linked to his emotions, demonstrate otherwise when Twice is killed. Dabi brushes off the news that Natsuo could have died because of him but still refers to him affectionately as Natsu-kun. Touya went around calling Endeavor out for neglecting his children but still trained to regain his approval and attention anyway. He lashed out at baby Shouto, admitted Shouto had done nothing wrong, and then attacked him again years later. He cries blood while thinking about his family but doesn't go home to them or change his actions which hurt them even more. Dabi wants to destroy hero society for a better future but it's obvious he doesn't plan to live long enough to see that future.

The gaps between his actions and his words are a result of dissociation and repression. It's not that Dabi is emotionless. Actually, he feels too much and he's afraid of his feelings because they've done nothing but hurt him emotionally and physically. He literally almost burned to death the one time he had a burst of emotion on Sekoto Peak and in order to prevent a repeat of that, he operates under the flawed notion that safety lies in repressing his feelings and pushing people away. He lies to himself and others and therefore cannot reconcile with his true self and can’t trust others.

In this meta I'll discuss how Dabi deals with his unprocessed feelings of betrayal and neglect by denying himself connections with both his inner wounded child and those around him. I'll also address a few misconceptions surrounding Dabi because dismantling them is key to understanding him. Contrary to popular belief, he does not want to kill his father, he never wanted to be a hero for his own sake, and he doesn't hate Shouto or his family. At its core, Touya's hurt stems from discovering that his relationship with his father wasn't based on unconditional love. This realization destroyed his sense of self so much it caused him to start fearing his own feelings and being close to others because of the link between his emotions and his self-destructive quirk.

To understand Dabi we have to understand Touya. In 291 we see through Endeavor's flashback that Touya was eager to train under him and carry his legacy. It's implied by the fact they’re working on ultimate moves that not only is Touya a willing, eager participant but that the two have been training together for quite some time. In 301 we learn that after Touya's quirk started hurting him Endeavor not only abandoned the training regime but also abandoned Touya both emotionally and physically. Instead of using the time he spent training Touya to help Touya find a new hobby or purpose in life, or just hanging out with his kid, Endeavor chooses to remove himself from Touya’s life. When Touya confronts him about the change of routine, Endeavor is seen putting on his jacket and leaving the home, his body turned away from his son.

Maybe Endeavor had errands to run, but my point is that he was in Touya’s life one minute and then gone the next. Touya says so himself: why did Endeavor change his mind all of a sudden? The abrupt change in attitude was jarring for a 4-5 year old to handle. To Touya, training = love, so he felt compelled to keep training and demonstrate his worthiness despite the fact that his quirk was hurting him. To Touya, the pain was worth it if it meant hanging out with his dad again.

But why? Well, Touya was Endeavor's #1 fan, genuinely so. His admiration and fondness for his father was genuine, and he didn't question the triumphant look on Endeavor's face when Touya said he wanted to learn the ultimate move. Before his quirk started burning him, Touya had no idea he was born for his father's ulterior motives. He had no reason to question his father's attention. Touya lived under the impression his bond with his dad was genuine and special, and he probably felt lucky that his father was willing to share something so important to him (heroism). Even after the training stops and Endeavor stops paying attention to Touya, Touya still wears his merch and vies for his attention. Most kids see their parents as larger than life and Touya was no exception. Keigo Takami admired Endeavor the hero, and Touya Todoroki admired his father who just so happened to be the hero Endeavor. Since being a hero was such a big deal for Endeavor, it was a big deal for Touya.

But that's where Touya's story becomes tragic. His father is a flawed, flawed man with many insecurities and fallacies that he pushes onto his family. I’ll get to those in a moment, but as intelligent and observant Touya is to catch on that Endeavor never set out to marry to become a father, he is too young to separate himself from his father’s expectations. Touya realizes he was born for a purpose and Touya will be damned if he doesn't fulfill that purpose even if he knows it's wrong. His father's ‘love’ meant that much to him. For Touya, it's not about becoming a hero for the glory. It was about his relationship with his father because, as I mentioned earlier, Touya was his #1 fan in the sense that he loved Enji just for being his dad. There were no conditions tied to that. “You are my dad, and I love you.”

But that wasn’t a sentiment that Touya felt in return, and that hurt Touya. He internalized he wasn't good enough, that something about him was inherently wrong. But more than that, his world came tumbling down - he felt betrayed and lied to: his father didn't love him like Touya needed him to, and this truth destroyed him. Their relationship was a lie, a farce, and it hurt so much Touya became obsessed with not hurting anymore because he couldn’t get away from it.

Touya’s motivation to become a hero didn't rise from being inspired by All Might like Shouto. Touya’s thought process wasn’t "I want to be a hero to help others or be like All Might" like Deku. No, Touya only wanted to be a hero because he wanted his father to be proud of him for surpassing All Might. Notice that Touya's obsession with beating All Might slowly diminishes from “I can surpass All Might” to “I can surpass All Might like Shouto, too” to just “look at me, Endeavor.” It was never about being a hero per say, but about his relationship with his father. Touya realized that Endeavor isn't his father first, but a hero, and he understands that he has to be a hero too to fit into his father's world. Even upon realizing that his father was using him, Touya still wanted to be part of his life, still wanted that bond. Touya, in his desperation to be loved and accepted again, could look past his father's selfishness as long as he regained that approval. Touya could pretend the relationship was real as long as he stopped feeling so unlovable.

This is unhealthy thinking, of course. Even if Touya somehow managed to regain Endeavor's approval, the relationship would still be one-sided and dissatisfying because he wouldn't be able to ignore the truth. But, this is how he rationalized his insistence to keep training in his 4-5 year old mind and this line of thought stuck with him as he grew up just as those feelings of inadequacy never left him.

This is precisely why Natsuo's drowsy "can't you go talk to our sister?" hurt so much. Touya was already emotionally fragile, and hearing that felt like being rejected all over again when it was actually Natsuo just trying to sleep. Touya was hypersensitive to any words or actions that could be interpreted as dismissive. His trauma wouldn't listen to logic that Natsuo was 8 and too young to understand, that he was tired - no, Touya's brain said, you're being rejected again! This is also why he also stormed away crying from Fuyumi after she expressed her concern for him.

In Touya’s mind, why couldn't anyone just agree with him that he was good enough? He heard "your dad's right and you're not good enough so why try" not "I care about you, your father is wrong, and I don't want you to keep getting hurt" whenever Rei tried to get him to stop training because that's the message he got from his father, too. Nevermind that it infuriated Touya that his mother could stand there and preach to him when, from his perspective, she couldn’t take her own advice. All Endeavor ever did was teach him to turn up the heat, so why should it matter that doing just so hurts him? Touya didn't understand NOT training his quirk because he had been taught that raising his firepower was ideal in all situations. Those two statements didn't make sense to a 4-5 year old, a 13 year old, and it still doesn’t make sense as a 24 year old.

To take Endeavor's lack of self awareness a step further, because it's important to understand Endeavor to fully understand Dabi, Endeavor has yet to realize his own inherent worth. He doesn't have to prove anything to his family, especially his kids. They love him unconditionally, without special reason aside from the fact that he's theirs and he's himself. However, Endeavor is so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't realize he never had to, and he projects this onto his children. They must prove themselves by winning the genetic lottery, by being useful to his plans, by surpassing All Might.

The irony that to be a great father he doesn't have to be a hero at all is ugly because Endeavor has no identity outside of being a hero. Endeavor has said before he wants to be a good hero and father to make Shouto proud, but he fails to realize he already had this in Touya all those years ago and it still left him unsatisfied. The issue isn’t his role as a hero, it’s his inner self. In 301 Endeavor literally reaches out to Touya to talk him out of training and hurting himself, and Touya allows his father to touch his shoulders because he wants a bond with his father - any bond. Shouto, on the other hand, wouldn't allow Endeavor to touch him in 167 and slaps his hand away because he doesn’t want Endeavor’s approval. Endeavor doesn't realize Natsuo carries deep abandonment and neglect issues because he wanted to be accepted by his father too (light novel #5) but was ignored. Endeavor doesn't realize he was always good enough by default and that by projecting onto his kids and trying to be the top hero he’s doing the opposite of what he wants. He just keeps pushing away his family.

It’s important to point out Endeavor’s illogical thinking because Touya learned some of these same ideas. Touya repeatedly tries to prove himself without realizing that he was always good enough by default. The problem wasn’t his quirk or his body, but his father’s flawed thinking and self-worth issues. Now as an adult, Dabi is selfish because he's Endeavor's son and emobidies his most negative characteristics. Dabi thinks of his flames as Endeavor's, and he thinks of himself as an extension of Endeavor because that's how Endeavor set him up for life. Touya has no identity to fall back on after his father casts him aside. He was supposed to be Endeavor 2.0, but now that title is Shouto’s. Dabi doesn’t hate Shouto as a person, but he has tricked himself into believing Shouto is their father’s puppet. Shouto is a doll being used by their father with no self agency, and Dabi is going to break all of Endeavor’s toys. It’s nothing personal against Shouto, it’s just Shouto’s bad luck that he happens to be Endeavor’s masterpiece. This is why Dabi doesn’t hurt Shouto when they first meet at the training camp, and why Dabi stops attacking Shouto after Endeavor passes out - it’s not about Shouto. It’s about Endeavor, and breaking Endeavor. Touya is still there trying to be part of his father’s world, only this time not as a hero but as a villain who will end his own suffering. He doesn't want Endeavor to die, he just wants him to suffer, to ruin his dreams. Dabi thinks of it as justice.

But because Touya is still there, there is still that goodness in him, too. His connection to Fuyumi and Natsuo is still there, repressed and compartmentalized. It’s why he calls them affectionately as Fuyumi-chan and Natsu-kun. Touya’s pain is so great he has decided he’d rather end it than to carry on and look elsewhere. He's stuck, rightfully so. He recognizes his mother is a flawed person and ultimately doesn’t blame her for being a victim - she could have done more for her son, but he still sees her and his other siblings, even Shouto, as people who fell victim to Endeavor’s abuse who don't challenge their situation. Dabi sees himself as someone who does stand up to the abuse but doesn’t realize he still wants his father’s attention. He's always wanted it. That's why he went around at 13 condemning his father's treatment of his children but still trained to prove himself. This is part of the reason he became a villain.

Not to mention that Dabi literally can't cry. He has no way to release those emotions, so instead of trying to let them out, he pushes them down. But that doesn't work and is detrimental in the long run. In 290-294 we saw Dabi's flames burn so hot during his confrontation with Endeavor and revealing himself as Touya that his burns have spread. Dabi is afraid of his feelings because of their connection to his flames, but he also uses his feelings to his advantage. He wants to go out in an inferno along with Shouto just to hurt Endeavor and put an end to his own suffering and Endeavor's career. This is why Dabi doesn't bother calming himself down or denying that he never forgot how he was treated when he lived at home. Dabi became emotional in that battlefield, smiling maniacally instead of crying because he physically can't cry. In his mind, if his feelings are going to destroy him, he might as well use them to prove a point. After all, he has experience being used. It's why he was born.

I'm not saying any of these actions or thoughts are healthy or correct or condoned, by the way. Trauma responses don't make logical sense and usually aren't healthy. Knowing how the mind responds to trauma, it's understandable that Touya still wanted his father's attention even if it was abusive. In fact, this is how children often respond to abuse. Their caretaker/parent is all they know and they cling to these figures. Often times when authorities try to remove a child from their abusive parents, the child doesn't want to go because this parent is all they know and they do feel like they love their parent/caretaker. I’m not saying the authorities got involved in this case, because obviously they didn’t, but this same mentality of abused children can be applied to Touya. Touya, in his four year old mind, probably convinced himself that if he was good enough everything would go back to how it used to be.

So, to sum up Dabi’s character, of course he doesn't make any sense. He’s still that hurt 4-5 year old who is trying to protect himself from ever getting hurt like that again while still wanting his father’s validation. Of course he doesn’t want to get close to anyone, not even the League. He doesn't want to be vulnerable or let people in or form connections because the last time that happened he was let down, forsaken, and it hurt so much it literally made him lose control of his quirk to the point he almost died. When Twice is killed, Dabi consoles himself by saying he didn't care anyway, all to prevent another emotional fire. Dabi is a master of compartmentalizing and boxing away his feelings - this is probably why, 310 chapters into BNHA, we have yet to have a few chapters in his POV or his backstory. He's disconnected from himself. He knows his plot to get justice will hurt his siblings and mother and to live with himself and move forward he represses those feelings.

Because of his father not showing up on Sekoto peak, Dabi has to live with physical disabilities due to his scars and memories of burning alive. He doesn't want to go through that again so he lies to himself that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He denies that he's still in pain while simultaneously seeking validation of his pain. He acts like he doesn't care about his family but still calls them affectionate names. He acts like he hates Endeavor and calls him by his name but still wants his attention. He decided long ago that he would die destroying Endeavor's career because that was the thing Endeavor cares about most of all in this life. It's a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" mentality. He has tricked himself into thinking this is justice, failing to realize this won't make him feel better if he doesn't die by his own hand along the way.

Dabi is full of resentment and spite, both of which take root from feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and the loss of a purpose and the realization that he wasn't born to be loved for who he was but as a tool for his father. The first betrayal he suffered was in the form of realizing his father didn't love him genuinely, and this was identity-breaking for him. He never recovered from it. The second betrayal, the reinforcer, was his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. Since then, Dabi is reliving his trauma over and over again the more he uses his quirk and the more he faces Endeavor. To be saved, Dabi needs to accept that he is loved unconditionally and needs to be validated that he was right to feel thrown aside and used.

[euphoricsunflowers]

calling you daddy — monsta x

scenario: they ask about your kinks and you ask them to call you daddy

a/n: this is written with a fem reader in mind but is not strictly fem reader as no pronouns or anything is mentioned.

a/n: was this a request? nope tbh this was written for myself bc i’m sick and tired of seeing people call these men daddy so uh pls enjoy

word count: 2k

content: sub!monsta x, dom!reader, daddy kink obviously ajshdhs, minhyuk is kinda bratty? kinda??, lots of teasing and begging, mentions of consent and stuff

—

son hyunwoo/shownu:

he falls silent. he doesn’t know what to say in the slightest. he worries that he might hurt your feelings or say something out of line, but it just stuns him, “you don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable with that, bear. your consent is just as important,” you say.

but see that’s half of what’s stunning him. he’s not exactly uncomfortable with that. shownu’s nature is pleasing you, he doesn’t mind filling any role or position for you, this was just a little more intense than that.

“you know what? just forget we had this conversation. i don’t want you to feel pressured, and it’s not a big deal, okay?” you say.

but the idea lingers in his head whether or not you want it to. as the days go by, his mind wanders, and while it may not exactly be what he’d be into, he’s not against doing it for you.

as you manhandle him a little bit, he says it softly, “ah, daddy-,” it’s even more embarrassing than he imagined, and his cheeks and ears are flushed and hot, but when he says it, softly under his breath, just whispering it out to test the waters, he sees your shock and then your small little smirk.

“now that i know what it sounds like to hear you say that, and what that does to me,” you say, sneaking your hands under his shirt and letting them wander, playing with his chest a bit, “i don’t think it’s a good idea to say that if you wanna make it out of this bedroom spotless and in one piece.”

he blushes even more, a little shy and hesitant, but he likes having this kind of effect on you, so that may not be the last time he says it. besides, who says he cares if he makes it out in one piece? and spotless? his neck and chest and thighs were too clean anyway.

lee hoseok/wonho:

it was in the middle of you riding him, his wrists bound above his head with a rope that made his skin look so pretty against it. he’s already cum once, but you’re not stopping until you do, and he’s trying to keep himself together. your hands roughly playing with his chest is overstimulating and he’s overwhelmed. he pleads for mercy aimlessly, almost thoughtlessly.

but then, “if you’re gonna beg, call me daddy,” you murmur. he’s not even sure he hears you right when you say it. he looks at you with wide eyes, and he assumed he did because of the way you act. he knows he could stop you at any time because you’re very clear on consent and it’s not like this was completely out of left field considering how you’re already always in charge in the bedroom. he was just stunned.

and while he’s a little bit stunned, he also won’t deny that it is a little bit hot.

so he does, “please, daddy, it’s so much- i- i can’t handle it.”

he sees your smile, with just a drop of sadism behind the curl of your lip, “just a little more, baby, i’m close. you make daddy feel so good,” he gets so excited by the praise that he attempts to stick it out, forever still the man that just wants to make you happy and please you.

he forgets about himself and his own body for a moment when he feels your body tense up around him and you hold onto his chest as you orgasm, using him to get the most out of it before you slow down to a halt.

your heavy breathes and sweet nothings whispered in his ear are heavenly.

lee minhyuk:

“really? you’re into that? i honestly thought it would be the other way around.”

taken aback, you ask, “really? what gave you that impression?”

“idk, you don’t have this aura of dominance, so i didn’t really assume that was your thing.”

“is that- is that okay with you?”

he gets closer, teasing in the way he wants to make you shy, “you seem pretty bashful for someone who just asked to be called daddy in the bedroom.”

“minhyuk-,”

he rolls his eyes, obviously trying to get a rise out of you, “come on, i don’t even know if you have it in you.”

and something about his careless, taunting tone sets something off inside you, like he was challenging you. but it’s a challenge you take on when you approach him. your touch is softer, lighter than he imagined. he thought you would be lit aflame with a need to prove yourself to him. but you lean in to press a kiss on his neck and your wandering hands settle on his hips.

you’re gentle with him initially, yet he melts a little bit when one hand tightens and another begins to unbutton his shirt, giving your mouth access to his chest.

you push him onto the couch, straddling him and using a hand to hold both of his arms above his head, when you pull back, he looks dazed and needy, all those teasing smirks having faded off his features, “why are you so affected? i thought i didn’t even have it in me,” you say with a smirk this time.

he breathes heavily, “y/n- please-”

“oh please, that’s not my name anymore, min.”

yoo kihyun:

“you want me to what?!” his voice is randomly high pitched, loud, almost like he’s nervous or scared.

despite that anxious feeling you’re feeling too, you try to stay calm, “i understand if you’re uncomfortable by it, but you asked about my kinks, kihyun.”

“yeah i know- i just- i wasn’t expecting that- really? you’re not messing with me? that’s really what you want?” he looks exasperated.

“yes. i really want you to call me daddy.”

he goes silent, trying to comprehend in his head what the hell was going on and what he was going to do and why the more he thinks about it, the less vehemently against it he becomes. and he had spent the entire relationship making it clear that he cared about what you wanted (because he does) and it’s not like… he hates the idea of it, but it’s just so out there to him that he can’t even fathom or imagine it.

he asks for a few days just to think about it, and though the awkwardness lingers in the air, by the fourth day, it seems like you had mostly forgotten about it or at least it didn’t seem to be on your mind. he spends those days really thinking, trying to imagine what it would be like, why you would even want that.

but the next time you’re together alone, your hands and lips are on him and he experimentally says it, “daddy, please.”

the whiny, begging voice, coupled with the word, leave you stunned. you pull back with wide eyes, and he felt so embarrassed and shameful with your eyes on him like that, but then you pulled him back into you and kissed him with a certain kind of feverish desperation that made his knees weak.

chae hyungwon:

his reaction is oddly pretty calm. he asked about what you were into, and you told him. maybe he was expect something a little different, but to be honest, he knew you liked to be in control, and he usually just went along with it. he didn’t mind it especially because you always made sure you both felt good and that was all that matters. that and he kinda likes being told what to do.

so it doesn’t exactly surprise him, especially when you add, “but only in a sexual context! i don’t need you to say it all the time.”

“good because there’s no way in hell i’m calling you daddy in front of my friends,” he can see the thoughts behind your eyes wanting to take up that challenge, but he decides to ignore it, “as far as they’re concerned, i’m daddy.”

“sure, wonnie. sure,” you say dismissively, before looking back at him, “are you actually okay with it though? i know it’s… weird.”

“it wasn’t what i was expecting, but if that’s what you want, then i’ll do it.”

and as soon as you’ve got him under you, with kisses and marks trailing down his neck and chest, leaving him helplessly turned on and horny, he says it so naturally, you wonder if he even thought to do it. but whether or not he’s doing this solely for you, or because he might have found it a little hot, is between him and himself, “ahh, daddy, please- be gentle with me- i have a photoshoot in the morning- oh my god that feels so good please daddy don’t stop-”

lee jooheon:

he likes the idea of it when you mention it, he just gets kinda shy, “do you- do you really want me to call you that?”

you come closer, holding his hand and rubbing your thumb against it in a comforting manner, “yeah, i really like the idea of it. if you’re not completely against it, i’d be really happy if we could try it.”

“it’s not… the worst thing you could have told me you were into,” he laughs as your hand starts to massage his thigh instead, “we can try it. i'll tell you if we need to stop, but i think it’ll be okay.”

“good, i’m glad you’re reacting this way, honey,” you murmur as you kiss him, and he smiles, which, even if it makes the kiss a little awkward, is really cute, “sweetheart,” you whisper as you pull away, “can you say it? i just wanna hear you say it.”

your hands wander his skin nervously, he can tell you’re worried about him being uncomfortable, “ahh, d-daddy, please touch me more,” he whines, and he’s never been more compelling before, but somehow the use of that word really makes you want to give in and give him anything he wants, “please touch me.”

your hand falls a little lower upon his request, and he groans lightly, pulling you a little closer, “you’re perfect, baby, so pretty.”

“ahh, please,” he huffs, clearly growing shy with the praise, but it’s obvious he really likes it, so you touch him more and whisper sweet words into his ear with a kiss, “oh- oh my- daddy- please i-”

“you’re so cute, sweetie pie, especially when you’re feeling good, you look so pretty and content. it’s my favorite sight,” you say adoringly, looking at him with the biggest heart eyes.

“wow, i didn’t expect to like this this much but-“ he whispers, “-i kinda love it.”

im changkyun/i.m:

he doesn’t react much when you say it, making you wonder if he was uncomfortable or not into it, but in any case, you assume it’s going to be forgotten in a few days and there would be nothing to worry about.

until he’s trying to get you to play with him and you’re trying to work. he can’t deny that he gets horny easily and you’re right there! he tries to tease in an way he can think possible, but to no avail. you’re still just sitting there, typing away on your laptop.

“just another thirty minutes, and then im all yours, baby,” you murmur to him, and he pouts subconsciously out of frustration.

he gets an idea, and i’m sure you know what it is.

“alright, you’re busy and i respect that. i guess i’ll just leave you be and go play by myself, daddy,” he giggles when you look over at him for the first time in this encounter and then he walks away.

as he sits on the bed in your bedroom, he awaits the sound of your footsteps, knowing he’s won. the door opens, and you walk in too casually, enough to make him suspicious, until he’s pulled onto your lap with your lips on his shoulder. your hands sneak under his hoodie, and his hands brace himself on your shoulders for stability, “ah- y/n-”

“baby, i did not set aside my work that’s due tomorrow morning to come fuck your brains out just for you to call me that,” he shivers, so incredibly turned on, “try again.”

—

taglist: @lovingonrepeat @neosincity @sub-hoshi-enthusiast @multidreams-and-desires @hobilluvvr @vanillaknj @yr-domxfantasies @treasure-hwa @fleurshopsub @rubyscloud9 @silencefavarchive @nct99 @bigkpopstan @monstaxdirtywonk @domreaderrecs @mochi-ficz and always feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist <3

[dancingamongstdust]

MHA Scenarios - First Meeting (Part 3)

All Might

There was an ache in your shoulder despite the painkillers. It was persistent, a constant reminder that your time in U.A. was beginning to lower your reaction speed. Perhaps you should consider returning to a full-time career in the hero world instead of taking random jobs here and there.

Sighing, you finished up with your costume and opened the door to find none other than Principle Nezu waiting for you.

“Great timing!” he chirped. “I was about to come and tell you that you’ll be sharing your second-year physical training class today.”

“The class that begins in twenty minutes?”

“That very one. When I found out that you had injured yourself, I thought that it would be best for you to take on an assistant of sort.” Nezu hummed softly to himself, as if wondering if he should continue. “And perhaps it will be a good experience for Toshinori to see how one can balance their time.”

You chuckled, catching onto the principle’s plan. “I don’t think a hero of All Might’s stature would have anything to learn from somebody like me.”

“There’s no doubt that he’s the better hero –“

“You could put that more nicely.”

“But you have far more experience teaching,” Nezu finished. “You take it easy to ensure your continued health and even though you whine about your lack of excitement, you never go out and chase it.”

That was true. Every year, you told the principle that you would be quitting and each time, he would laugh and tell you that you never would. You blamed the students. They were way too easy to get attached to.

All Might was waiting at the training grounds, his hands on his hips and a smile on his face. The latter looked almost painted on. He absolutely towered over you, seemingly taller in person.

“We haven’t met properly before,” you said, giving your name. “But may I just say that I have endless respect for your heroic accomplishments.”

He laughed proudly. “Thank you. Nezu says that you got injured during a fight with a villain, is everything alright?”

There was something about his voice that you didn’t quite like. It just sounded so patently fake. Perhaps that was why you hadn’t been surprised when the news about his true form was shared amongst the faculty. It seemed to you that it should have been a given. Nobody spoke like he did in their day to day lives.

“It’s a shoulder injury,” you said. “In a similar line, you can drop the All Might moniker for a short while if you want. This class is incapable of arriving less than ten minutes late.”

“That’s alright! I’m sure this is a far more useful form.”

“Suit yourself,” you said with a nod. You rolled your shoulder and winced. “I’m going to need to have you taking over the majority of the hands-on training if that’s alright with you? If I push myself now, I’m just going to do more damage to the muscles.”

All Might gave an affirmative and then pondered your words. It was unsurprising when he seemingly vanished into a cloud of smoke, dropping the vast majority of his muscles and showing a far-more human façade.

“Perhaps you’re right,” he acknowledged. “Some rest before teaching would be easier on my injuries.”

You smiled. “The last thing you want to do is let these students think they’re strong enough to take you on just yet. Don’t need that going to their heads.”

Endeavor

It was an accident that led to your first encounter with the recently elected number one hero. And it had mostly been as a result of a very long day filled with endless bad luck.

You had been walking through the parking garage after having coffee spilled on you, losing your keys, and nearly breaking your ankle when an escalator stopped working. It was overall an awful day. And it was about to get even worse.

It must have been as a result of some kind of villain but the exact situation escaped you. All that you knew was that somebody got thrown from out of nowhere. They flew into one of the pillars and cracked it. You jumped and immediately rushed over to them. It was only once you were right beside him that you realised the fire was part of him.

“You’re Endeavor…” you breathed. “Are you alright?”

The hero stood, clearly shaken. A deep scowl covered his face. He was much, much taller than you had thought he would ever be. “Get out of here before you get hurt.”

Before either of you could do anything else though, the ground seemed to tremble, much like an earthquake. You looked up wearily. This was the ground floor so it wasn’t like you could fall through anywhere.

And then the ceiling started to crumble.

You barely had time to react, just screwing your eyes shut and hoping for the best. A wave of heat washed over you. Dust filled your lungs and you coughed as all around you, a cacophony of collapsing rubble filled the air.

An unnatural silence took over.

Slowly, you opened your eyes. It was far too dark with a flickering light illuminating a large cavern of rubble held up by a few of the pillars that were still standing. Powder swirled around you, filling your lungs and making you cough heavily. Then you noticed the reason that you hadn’t gotten so much as a scratch.

Endeavor stood over you, shielding you entirely. He showed no visible discomfort but as you stared, you realised that part of his suit had been ripped and blood trickled down his side.

A few seconds passed and he moved away. In the tight space, he was unable to even stand straight. “Damn it,” he cursed. “There’s no way that Hawks can move any of this nonsense. We’re going to be stuck here until rescue teams arrive.”

You sunk down slowly, sitting against something sharp and putting your hand over your mouth. “I’m going to die,” you whispered. “There’s no air here…”

“Don’t be dramatic,” the pro-hero snapped. “We have plenty of time before the air runs out. If it was just me, I could blast through here in no time.”

“Why can’t you?”

He stared at you as though you were stupid. “Either I would risk bringing the rest of this concrete down on your head or you would stand too close and get burnt. Somehow, I don’t think you would prefer either of those options.”

You shook your head and tried to hold back tears. This day had been worse than any other in your life. Should you call your family and friends? Was it worth worrying them just to hear their voices? Endeavor didn’t seem worried so maybe you should just trust that you would get out and everything would be fine. Or maybe you would die and –

Your thoughts were cut off by him suddenly appearing in front of you. “Relax,” he said. “If you panic, you’re just going to make the entire situation worse.”

“We’re trapped under concrete,” you said. “We could die.”

“You’re not going to die. Now stop being pathetic and find a way to occupy yourself that doesn’t cause a panic attack.”

You swallowed and took a deep breath. “Alright. Alright.”

He nodded, moving considerably further away and then his flames flickered off. And that was your first meeting with Endeavor. Surprisingly, you ended up speaking until you were rescued.

Eraserhead

It had all begun years ago.

You remembered distinctly how you had been sitting in the garden and watching the bees happily buzz past. It was a warm day with a slight saltiness to the air. A perfect time to enjoy the summer as though you had no worries in the world.

Conversation filled the air and you perked up, recognising one of the voices. You had only managed to stand up when a blur of blue hair slammed into your side, pulling you into a tight hug with a happy shout of your name. Laughter filled the air as you nearly fell, unable to even hug back.

“Oboro!” you giggled. “I thought you were only getting back next week!”

He finally let you go and shot you a smile that made the sun look dim. “I was but then my parents said my friends could stay over! Come meet them.”

Oboro had been your closest friend for years but since going to U.A., you had seen less and less of him. That wasn’t to say that you hadn’t kept in contact of course but you missed him greatly.

His friends were… not what you expected.

The exceptionally loud blond was Hizashi Yamada and his quirk was volume-based. He greeted you with a booming shout, apparently having been told about you several times before arriving.

But Shota Aizawa interested you far more. He didn’t speak much and you never did find out his quirk when you were younger. When you’d asked why he wanted to be a hero, he just told you that he liked it. The rest of the week, you developed a bit of a crush on him and spent most of your time trying to impress him.

When the week ended, you didn’t see him again for a very long time and the next time you saw him, it was under circumstances you had never even imagined.

You were wearing a veil to hide your face. There was no dramatic rain or dark thunder on the day of the funeral. Rather fittingly, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. You liked to imagine that was Oboro’s final gift. A beautiful day to celebrate him.

Yamada had put his hand on your shoulder, subdued and quiet for the first time. He was a pro-hero now and you often saw his face on magazines.

Soon, he left to speak to others and you remained by the grave with only one other.

“Being a hero is more dangerous than I ever thought,” you said, not sure why you were speaking but feeling the urge to regardless. “You and Yamada have to stay as safe as you can, alright? He would want that.”

Aizawa glared at you from the corner of his eye. “How would you know that?”

“Because you were the most important people in the world to him,” you said. “Of course that’s what he would want.”

Aizawa didn’t speak anymore but after a while, he turned to leave. Before going, he paused and looked as though he wanted to say or do something. You met his gaze. It felt as though he could see straight through your veil, revealing the tears that streaked your face. The atmosphere wasn’t uncomfortable. It was just sad.

Still, standing there and just existing helped you to remember the loss wasn’t just your own. When Aizawa left, you turned back to Oboro’s gravestone feeling less alone in the world.

You were going to miss him like hell but you wouldn’t be remembering him by yourself.

Fatgum

As a solitary and underground hero, it was quite rare that you were contacted for big jobs. Rarer still that you took them instead of passing them on.

But something was different about this time.

This time, you had a personal vendetta drawing you to one of your least-favourite jobs – working with other heroes. It wasn’t that you didn’t get along with them but many weren’t in it for actually helping people. That put a bad taste in your mouth.

The job wasn’t technically being led by you purely because the information had come through a larger agency. They hadn’t wanted to pass it off to you alone so now you were sitting in the briefing room, listening to them going over everything that your investigations had revealed. No credit given, of course.

You stood toward the end and offered a simple warning. The villain that you were after had little concern about causing collateral. If anything, he relished in it. Your warning was primarily targeted at some of the heroes whom you knew dealt more with casual villains.

Many of them got overwhelmed when they came up against drug dealers and sex traffickers instead of pickpockets.

And then everybody dispersed, each having their own orders about how they would contribute to a safe arrest.

Leaving you alone. At least, you thought you were alone until somebody spoke behind you.

“Do you know what always calms me down? Taiyaki.”

You startled, though you didn’t let it become noticeable. Instead you turned to find yourself absolutely dwarfed by the BMI hero, Fatgum. Somebody you had always known about but never gotten a chance to meet.

“Do I really look that stressed?” you enquired.

He chuckled. “Not to be rude, but you definitely do.”

You sighed and looked at the documents in your hands. It was probably best that you didn’t have a mirror on you. “I’m worried about this case,” you said. “This guy has slipped through my hands a few too many times.”

Fatgum nodded. “I know how that feels but don’t worry too much. Everybody here is a capable hero and together, we’ll get him for sure.”

You raised an eyebrow. Perhaps a few were capable but not everybody.

“You’re too cynical,” he reprimanded though there was little malice to his words. “You should try to trust the rest of us. At least for long enough to get a little sleep.”

You reached up and touched the bags that had formed under your eyes. “Thank you for your concern but I’ll be perfectly fine.” You shoved the documents into a small bag and slung it over your shoulder. Once you dropped them off at home, you could head back out and see if anything had popped up.

“It’s still pretty early,” Fatgum mused. “What are your plans?”

“I’m going to go and see if any of my sources have found new information.”

“Uwabami was meant to be doing that tonight accourding to the schedule,” he pointed out. “But you’re probably not going to be taking the night off. Why don’t you join me for my patrol? You can keep an ear to the ground and also not continue exhausting yourself.”

Sighing, you glanced over your shoulder at him. “We hardly know each other. Why are you so worried about me?”

He shrugged. “Too many heroes drive themselves crazy with this kind of stuff. Come on. My work study students are great, you’ll love them both.”

There was a reason that you didn’t take any of those on but admittedly his two students were entertaining.

Gang Orca

It was all for the sake of the cameras.

You had to remember that when you were getting up before the sun rose. Everything had to be absolutely perfect about your appearance. If it wasn’t then your little ruse would be seen through by every reporter with half a braincell.

Then you had to get to the setup site and speak with the marketing team secretly. You stood with the team leader to one side, discussing everything like old friends over a cup of coffee.

“Essentially, what we’re looking for is a very breathless and awe-struck victim,” he explained to you. “When you speak to the media, try and make it like you never even thought of Gang Orca much before but now his rescue has made him into your favourite. We’re trying to build a greater trust with the public especially amongst children.”

You pulled a face. “I don’t much like working with kids but for a small increase, I can become quite the lover of them for a short while.”

The guy smiled. “You’re one of the best, otherwise I wouldn’t have hired you. You can get your increase.”

“Thank you. Now let’s get to work.”

You made your way to the ‘accident’ site. The costume team ripped your shirt and you had some fake blood dotted around your head. Nothing to make your injuries too severe but enough for some pity.

And then you climbed under the wreck and waited.

Approved photographers snapped their pictures as you were rescued from your metal prison by the tall Gang Orca. His strength alone was enough to pull the door free. He held his hand out to you while using his other to lift the car high enough to help you out. You made a show of crawling free and then stumbling a little.

With one hand on your head, you leaned against him and stared up with a grateful expression. Cameras flashed and he checked the wreck once more before leading you away for ‘medical treatment’.

Once out of view of the media circus, you straightened and wiped some of the fake blood away from your mouth. “Thank you for the rescue,” you said.

Gang Orca didn’t seem very happy about it at all. It was good that his hero image didn’t need too many smiles.

“I’m going to guess that this wasn’t really your idea?”

He sighed. “No. I don’t like the need to fake rescues when there are real people who should be getting help from a hero.”

“But those people aren’t getting paid to better the public’s opinion of you,” you said. “Twenty minutes here can be what knocks you off lists like ‘scariest heroes’ and similar stuff. That way, you get even more opportunities to save people.”

You couldn’t tell if he was grimacing or not but he definitely appeared to be. It made sense. While some heroes relished in the easier work, many didn’t like the media part of their jobs.

“If you’re happy with it, I’d like your autograph,” you said. “It’ll help me sell the whole situation a lot easier.”

“Alright.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t have a warm opinion of the media either,” you said. “They’re vultures who benefit from the fall of good heroes. What I, and others, do helps stop the best from being sidelined just because they’re intimidating or unmarketable. You’re in this for the right reason but the news organisations don’t care about that.”

He sighed deeply. “It’s unfortunate that you’re right. Of course, that doesn’t mean I have to be happy with these kinds of arrangements.”

“Few people are.”

Hawks

Being a photographer was competitive work, especially in a world where people could have quirks allowing them to grow cameras from their bodies.

You had to go the extra mile in order to compete with them and carve out a name for yourself. Either you had to be there first or you had to see something that nobody else did. A good intuition never led you astray.

And so, when you found yourself walking down the right street late one afternoon, you just knew that it was time to take out your camera.

The event was nothing catastrophic. Indeed, it seemed that the main danger was people’s stupidity. A fire had started on the bottom floor of an office building and instead of waiting for first responders to do their jobs, people were choosing to make things more difficult by climbing out of windows and stuff like that.

Soon enough, heroes were on the scene and you had your camera ready.

Naturally, Backdraft was the first to arrive and you got some great photos of the rescue hero doing what he did best. The light from the flames perfectly illuminated the hero and made the entire situation feel a great deal more dramatic than it was.

The second hero was a young woman whose name escaped your mind. She assisted the civilians as best she could but, no sooner did she help one down, and the person was practically taken from her arms.

Bright red feathers flew across the scene, darting into the building and pulling every person free by their clothing. They were lowered safely to the ground though many stumbled.

You didn’t lower your camera but you cursed out Hawks under your breath.

Never, in your wildest imagination, did you expect to hear him respond.

“Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say.”

You startled, just about dropping your camera on the ground in shock. He was perched above your head, atop one of the streetlights, a smirk on his face and his visor down. His wings were shorter than usual and the only way you could tell he was even helping with the incident.

“You ruined my photo,” you said. “And she had him, you know?”

“She was moving too slow. The poor guy would have been stuck in the air for several minutes longer and that’s just not good on the heart. Besides, I can make up for your lost photo if you snap a shot in the next three seconds.”

You scoffed. “A photo of you sitting on a streetlight? From this angle?”

“What? Not dramatic enough for you?”

“Not unique enough, more like. You’re the most photographed hero in the whole of Japan. The internet is teeming with images of you from every possible angle, distance, and situation. I’ve seen them all.”

For some reason, that seemed to get to the pro-hero a little and you were surprised when he landed beside you. You were very rarely this close to a pro, your bravado disappearing now that he was actually standing there.

“So you’re saying I’m not worth a photo?”

Part of you felt like saying that he was and quickly taking one but your pride didn’t allow it. “Not when there are lesser-known heroes here. They don’t have crazy stalkers willing to chase them around the city for any picture.”

“And aren’t they luckier for it,” he sighed. “Ah well, your loss. I’ll see you around.”

With a flap of his wings, he was gone and you watched him go, fighting the urge to snap a photo the entire time.

Midnight

Some would call you shallow but interviews were one of your favourite parts of being a hero. Getting to answer questions and engage with the people who admired you was an experience that you just adored. Not only that but they were often the best place to clear up rumours or speculations so long as they were edited well.

With a reliable broadcaster and positive outcomes on all of your latest jobs, you were extremely excited to be offered an interview. You knew there was an ulterior motive of some kind but you hadn’t been sure as to what.

But still, you arrived early, dressed in your hero costume, and had your makeup done up as best as it could be.

And then you watched the interview before you and you quickly realised that the broadcast was doing a segment. One focused on hero costumes.

Your own was quite unique, a step away from the usual appearance of heroes. Personally, you loved it.

The public however was divided on whether it was fashion forward or just a flop.

And clearly that was why individual heroes had been chosen.

Being interviewed at the moment and practically being drilled on the ins-and-outs of her costume was nobody other than Midnight herself. She looked absolutely amazing as ever. A natural on the stage and in the field.

You had to admit however that you didn’t feel comfortable with the questions they were asking her. She answered smoothly but mostly in deflection.

The other heroes around you agreed with your assessment. This felt like an attempt at creating a media circus. Few were interested in participating anymore.

The moment Midnight gave her leave, the producers began gesturing at you. You gave them a look and turned around with the rest of the heroes there.

Midnight was in a bad mood but she put on a smirk when you made eye contact with her.

“We’re leaving,” you told her. “None of us were told that this was going to be working off controversy.” You wanted to apologise that she had been the first to get interrogated but you didn’t know how to do that.

She laughed. “You weren’t expecting there to be a catch?”

“I mean, I was but I thought they were a little better than running a segment that’s so clearly focused on… well…”

“Sex appeal?” Midnight asked.

You awkwardly rubbed the back of your neck. “Yeah. It probably should have tipped us off that we were all around the same status. No real big names aside from your own have worked with this broadcast channel.”

“And nobody will again once I speak to a few contacts,” Midnight said, a hint of bitterness finally seeping into her voice. “Guess that will teach me to give new places a chance. They’re all looking for the big ratings instead of actual interest. Maybe I should just go into being a teacher full time at this rate.”

“Aren’t you already doing that?”

She shushed you. “Not if I don’t say it out loud.”

You laughed and stuck by her as your group exited the building, ignoring the clamoring from the higher-ups who were desperately trying to convince you to stay. The type of people who would take advantage of being able to pressure people into things. Lovely.

“Don’t you hate how rude they are to you?” you asked her. “I get so furious sometimes and my questions are always tame compared to yours.”

She shrugged. “At some point, you get used to it. I don’t think there’s a question out there that would shock me anymore.”

You really hoped you never reached that point.

Mirko

The villain pulled experimentally at his cuffs. He twisted around and began shuffling when he met your eyes.

“Where exactly are you trying to go?”

He grumbled something under his breath and stopped moving. You raised a hand to your head and sighed. At this rate, you were going to wind up with wrinkles. One of your favourite outfits had been destroyed by this little altercation and nobody had even bothered to show up yet. Somebody had called emergency services, right?

“Stop moving, I can hear you,” you snapped.

The villain would have been a greater threat if you hadn’t happened to be shopping in the area. Your quirk was the perfect match for his own and it allowed you to quickly take control of an otherwise dangerous situation.

Now you sat on a bench, him tied to the nearest building support bench, and you waited for somebody to arrive and take him off your hands.

There was a thump somewhere to your right and you lazily looked up from your phone. Only for your heart to kind of stutter.

“Aw, come on! I was told there was going to be some excitement over here!” Mirko complained. “What gives?!”

The rabbit hero was absolutely gorgeous with white hair and legs that went on for literal days. She was the epitome of everything you aspired to be as a hero. What she did was on her own terms and she fought for the thrill of it all.

You had just never expected to actually meet her.

“I’ve dealt with it,” you said once you had gotten over your shock. You gestured towards the villain. “No problems here.”

Mirko bounded over and stuck her face way too close to his. Her nose seemed to twitch in excitement. “You don’t seem so tough,” she scoffed. “I got the call and it said that this was setting itself up to be a good clash! Are you just that good?”

Her eyes fell on you, bright and teasing. A strand of hair fell in front of her face and she huffed it away without breaking eye contact.

“I am,” you said, mostly joking but feeling unable to deny it.

She threw her head back and laughed. “That’s a good answer. I like your confidence.” She eyed what you were wearing. “Your costume could use some work though.”

You chuckled. “It’s actually pretty similar to yours when I’m not interrupted while shopping. I’ve always loved your style.”

She nodded firmly as though that was a given. Then she looked around and raised an eyebrow. “If this moron interrupted your shopping, then what are you doing hanging around with him? You have things to get back to, don’t you?”

You gestured around. “I do but the police haven’t shown up yet.”

“Don’t worry about them,” she scoffed. “I’ll bounce this guy down to the station for you. Don’t waste time just standing around.”

She turned back to the villain just in time for you to both see him run around the corner. He nearly tripped but managed to keep his footing. You glanced at one another and Mirko laughed heartily. “You stay here,” she said. “I can deal with cowards in well under a minute. They always do the same things to ‘throw me off’ or whatever.”

“I’ll come with you,” you said. “It’s technically my fault he got away. And I could always learn a thing or two from the best, right?”

She grinned. “I knew I liked you. Let’s see if you can keep up though.”

Natsuo

On a good summer’s day, there was nothing better than the beach. The waves gently lapping at the shore, soft clouds drifting across the sky, and few children due to the earliness of the day. It was well worth getting up early to watch the sun creep its way over the ocean and begin what was scheduled to be the hottest day of the year.

Not that you would be outside when it hit noon. By that time, ice cream and a nice spot of shade became necessary.

For now though, you waltzed along the beach and enjoyed the sand beneath your feet. As you walked, you kept an eye out for shells though there were scarce. People came every day to collect this time of year.

In a way, that made you sad.

But the lack of shells did mean that you didn’t need to watch where you were walking quite as much. At least, that was your thought process. Shells cut your feet and there were none so why keep an eye on the sand.

The answer is broken bottles.

It was a sake bottle, probably stolen away by some kids to be drunk where their parents wouldn’t see. The searing pain made you think you’d stepped on a jellyfish. Cursing, you jerked your foot away, blood running down into the sand below.

A small wave washed up, taking the bloodied sand away to reveal the culprit.

Struggling to balance, you hopped away from the bottle and sat down, lifting your foot to see the damage. It was a rather deep slice that made you feel quite woozy. Sand was already sitting around the injury and your only option to wash it off was the very salty sea.

“Sorry, do you need some help?”

You glanced behind you to see a guy standing on the boardwalk. His hair was pale and his expression kind. Something about him seemed oddly familiar but you weren’t sure why.

“I stood on a bottle,” you said. “It’s alright.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you need some help getting off the sand?”

You were going to deny the offer but your entire leg felt like it was on fire. The pain was undoubtedly because of your brain flicking through reminders about the danger of stepping on glass. “If you’re alright with it.”

He made his way down to where you were sitting quite quickly and glanced at your foot. “That’s going to need stitches,” he said. He offered his water bottle to you. “You should clean it off and then put some pressure on it before we move it.”

The cut hadn’t seemed that bad to you but you hadn’t really been looking carefully. “Are you sure?” You still took the water though, hissing as you poured it over your cut.

“Very,” he said. “Do you mind your towel getting blood on it?”

“No.”

He used the towel to put pressure on the cut and then helped you stand, hobbling your way off the beach. Once there, he quickly listed off the nearest hospitals.

“Are you a medical student by any chance?” you asked, trying to keep your mind off the pain.

He blushed. “Sorry, is it obvious?”

You laughed. “Just a little but that’s okay. It was good that you happened to be nearby then. Can I get your name?”

He hesitated but then said, “Natsuo. Don’t worry about my family name.”

Curious now, especially given how familiar he looked, you were tempted to push. But you didn’t and instead thanked him again for his help. He turned out to be correct, of course. You did need stitches.

Present Mic

You stretched before going into the office. Everything was sore – an unfortunate result of your late night. It couldn’t have been helped. Train wrecks were rarely planned.

Principle Nezu greeted you warmly when you arrived and then asked you to sit down. “As I’m sure you’ve heard, there was a recent incident on the grounds. Thirteen was badly injured and we’re in need of a new teacher with expertise in natural disaster management.” He smiled at you. “I thought you would be the perfect match.”

You raised an eyebrow. “I was under the impression you were going to try convince me to take a work study student.”

“I’m sure you will one year,” he joked.

“Unlikely but you can always offer.” You sighed and turned your gaze out the window. “I have little care for children. This will be a temporary position, yes?”

“We’ll see how it goes.”

You gave him a look but the principle just sipped at his tea. He already knew that you were going to accept – if only because you had always been a close friend of Thirteen’s. Taking over one class wasn’t going to kill you.

“I don’t have any experience in this,” you reasoned. “Other schools must have teachers who can come and cover classes?”

“None who are as experienced in the field as you are. So I’ve organised with Hizashi Yamada to take you through his methods of teaching and you can convert them over. He’ll be here soon.”

You sunk further into your chair, rubbing the bridge of your nose. “What would you have done if I said no?”

“Been very disappointed, of course.”

Present Mic was a hero you had always admired but you hadn’t ever expected him to be as loud in person as he was in the media. You just about jumped out of your skin when he entered the room dramatically, calling out a greeting.

Nezu gave the introductions and informed you that before doing an actual class, you had a week of acting as an assistant instructor alongside Present Mic.

“Should I invest in earbuds?” you joked.

He laughed but then actually lowered his voice as though you had reminded him. “Don’t worry. If I yell too much in class, Shota tends to come and glare through the doorway until I quieten down.”

You chuckled. “Do you have similar teaching schedules?’

“No but he claims that he can hear me from anywhere in the school. It’s the best way to find him actually. You just yell until he shows up.”

“I’ll take that as lesson number one in how to teach at U.A.”

“Lesson number one is to not take Nemuri’s flirting seriously,” he corrected. “I know it’s very flattering to think that she’s interested but she’s not. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell her to stop but she doesn’t always listen. It’s part of her image, you know?”

You raised an eyebrow at Nezu but he just shrugged. That didn’t seem like it was too professional but alright.

You took a deep breath and tried to pretend that this was just going to be temporary. It wasn’t like Nezu had been trying for years to get you involved at the school.

Temporary.

“Which subject do you teach?” you asked as you followed Present Mic from the office.

“English. No crazy action or anything which means you have to work double time to keep the students interested. You’ll have it far easier.”

Nobody really prepared you for the fact that Class 1A didn’t know how to do things the easy way.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

perfect now - a close reading

only pure and true love for this one. it’s soft and sweet because the one he wrote it for is and needs cheesy uncool romcom soundtrack-worthy affirmations and it’s the most wonderful thing oh my the flurries 

some album booklet art for your viewing pleasure

((just a warning for below: while the lyric analysis was kept fairly neutral and close to the words and their meaning, more and more parallels did ensure me larrying out by the time the analysis kicked off so if you’re not into that, you can skip this one!))

⟼ check out @bluewinnerangel​ ‘s magnificent post with all the parallels to 1d/h&l bc it’s exhaustive and was a source for mine <3 thank you again for your service <3 bc this song really is a fanpiece of every song that has been important to them throughout their career so far, whether they wrote it or not, and it’s honestly kinda impressive

SUMMARY

you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway

lyric breakdown ft. the many parallels, incl. little things, through the dark and wmyb

what this says about louis, his partner and the relationship he is in

never gonna dance again frenzy

identity 

louis is a marvellous majestic sonofabitch basically <3

walls, track 10

～ little things “you still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you’re perfect to me”

You don’t feel pretty and it’s hard to miss

You don’t feel pretty and it’s hard to miss

later lyric: “like a neon sign” - i see through you trying to hide away your insecurities

I wish that you could see my point of view As someone staring back at you

“you” is also staring at him, but perhaps is too insecure to realise how mutual the adoration is

i wish i could get you out of your own negative spiral and give you a look at yourself from my perspective

～ wmyb “everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you” 

～ wmyb “right now i’m looking at you and i can’t believe you don’t know you’re beautiful”

～ little things “you never love yourself half as much as I love you, and you’ll never treat yourself right darling but I want you to. If I let you know, I’m here for you, maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you”

On Friday night when we’re all out I turn to you and you’re looking down And you don’t wanna dance I know you love to dance You never stop given half the chance

heavy echoes of kmm again, but the opposite: the “nightmare on the dance floor” doesn’t want to dance

when “you” is confident rlly not being subtle with who i think that is, they love to dance <-> tpwk “feeling good in my skin, i just keep on dancing”

“i know you love to dance” = i know what you love bc i love you

“given half the chance” 

～ tpwk “giving/given second chances”

given a chance tattoo, making another appearance (see below for more tattoo meltdowns)

Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up

term of endearment <3 

～ dlibyh

this album is full of encouragement to keep going and as much as it gives me life it ruins me 

Don’t hide away, don’t ever change

“be happy, proud”

～ “just hold on”

“pick someone who’s supportive”

Keep your head up, love, keep your head up Don’t look away, don’t look away

don’t look away from me

～ through the dark “and I can see your head is held in shame”

Cause everybody’s looking at you now, my, oh my

they have the stage to themselves / new career paths they’re doing on their own

could also mean ppl they’re going out with are looking at them, which “you” interprets as sth negative, which makes them self-conscious, while they’re actually admiring them bc they steal the scene

～ wmyb “you’re turning heads when you walk through the door”

I guess some queens don’t need a crown And I know why Even when your tears are falling down Still, somehow, you’re perfect now

“you” is royalty to louis, to put it simply 

they don’t need something on their head to make it known to everyone else - they’re a queen and everyone knows it

gendered: female - also used in drag contexts - the only time L has used any gendered word to identify his partner on the entire album (more on this below)

～ steal my girl "she's been my queen since we were sixteen" can't believe i forgot this one thank you @mortalenemiestolovers for reminding me!!!

～ falling

～ through the dark “you tell me that your tears are here to stay”

You never do, but if you asked me to I’ll tell the truth lying next to you

“you” never asks for affirmations directly, but by saying shit like their pants are too tight make it clear enough to L that they do need to hear once in a while that it’s not true

Cause you’re the only one when it’s said and done You make me feel like being someone 

Good to you even at your worst

～ always you

i love you so much you are a force of life to me, and even when you hate me i want more

～ drag me down “If I didn’t have you there would be nothing left, the shell of a man who could never be his best. If I didn’t have you, I’d never see the sun. You taught me how to be someone” (sung by louis first, harry second) 

～ through the dark “even if you scream and shout, it’ll come back to you and I’ll be here for you

You steal the scene and it’s unrehearsed

reference to working on a stage - their natural presence wins everyone over - that charisma is never manufactured

Don’t you wanna dance? Just a little dance I’ll never stop given half the chance

L keeps encouraging them, will also not pass by any chance to dance with them

Every insecurity, like a neon sign, as bright as day If you knew what you were to me You would never try to hide away

“it’s hard to miss”

L sees through them trying to hide their insecurities, pretend to be strong

～ through the dark “but I know you were only hiding”

SYNTHESIS

Perfect Now is not a fan favorite and I am so not here for that discourse, so please do not pester me with negativity about this chocolate drop of a song. 

As others have pointed out, the parallels with other songs written by Louis, Harry or for One Direction are extremely present. Especially Little Things is echoed loudly, but there’s so much more to be read, as you’ve seen. These are songs that are clearly near and dear to Louis, bc he wrote them or bc performing them was special, like with Little Things and What Makes You Beautiful. A lot of the same emotions come back in Louis’s writing, so much so that you can’t help but see the larger story behind it all. Throughout Walls you can hear him singing about not giving up and holding your head high despite hardships, and if you look back at his earlier writing, it’s always been there. Through the Dark is an early and striking example of this style of Louis song: you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway 

basically through the dark’s chorus:

Oh, I will carry you over Fire and water for your love And I will hold you closer Hope your heart is strong enough When the night is coming down on you We will find a way Through the dark

It is very clear that Louis is faced with a partner - I can freely say it’s Harry now right? are the antis gone by now? i think so - that struggles with his body, with his identity, with how he wants to present himself vs how opinions on that might push him down and dampen his spirit. Louis, always the supportive boyfriend, then tries his best to make him see the light, while keeping that space for his sadness, his struggles, or their joint struggles. Accept the sadness but don’t lose your heart to it.

I’ve linked @bluewinnerangel​ ‘s post at the start of this post, but I need to stress how good it is once more as I also shamelessly insert a screenshot from it here bc it makes me feel a lot and summarizes perfectly just how deeply Perfect Now is woven into the history of their lives, relationship and especially “you”s/Harry’s personal struggle with their identity/body/confidence...

Because yes, i absolutely think these tattoos are being echoed in the song. “Never gonna dance again” as a lyric and then as a tattoo on Harry’s legs like shackles around his ankles represents the sensation of shame, of being stuck, bc of your desires, bc of your sexuality. Obviously we can never know why Harry got the tattoo, as in what experience pushed him to choose those lyrics or what exactly he recognizes in himself, but it’s safe to say it’s about the struggles of being queer and navigating relationships with that identity and with others.

Most importantly, the sense of shamelessly dancing, dancing like no one’s watching, dancing together with your lover, as a celebration of self, life, love, is the key here. Harry got that tattoo ages ago, at a time when he undoubtedly felt way more stuck. When he couldn’t dance freely the way he wanted to and with whom he wanted to. Perfect Now is a reminder to him, an encouragement to still dance if he wants to, no matter what people say or think. Significantly, then, Harry’s own Treat People With Kindness heavily features that same sentiment, but in an extremely positive light: i have found a place (in life and in myself) where i feel like i have given and was given second chances and now i dance bc i finally feel good in my skin.

Louis has obviously been there from the start, or at least from when or before Harry properly started experimenting with/questioning how he likes to present and how he identifies as. Before he ever dared to consider pulling on a pair of women’s skinny jeans, never mind a ball gown. Louis has seen him limit himself as well as being limited by others ofc and has always seemed to have been there, with a secure hand on Harry’s back, to encourage him. Even at a time when boys wearing nail polish or skirts was unthinkable. Just remember how much encouragement Harry needed when growing out his hair; Louis literally joined him. yes this might make me cry okay i need to stop bc i’m going off track and this is just becoming a larry breakdown while i was trying to hype up this beautiful song. 

What I’m trying to say is: Louis has always seen all of Harry. He’s always had his back, no matter what. He’s loved every part of him. And now, on a completely gender neutral album, in the sweetest, softest song off of the entire thing, Louis puts in the word “queen”, and that is so very deliberate it makes me want to scream. It’s Louis confirming his love again and again while affirming the multitudes contained by Harry, including everything involving his gender journey. brb crying

It’s a raw Louis, an honest, sweet, kind, loving partner, and both of them are fucking lucky to have each other, and I also wish that all of us end up in a caring and wholesome relationship like that. I truly do.

[mypoisonedvine]

The Wrong Idea (part 2) | Lee Bodecker x Reader

(read part 1 here)

summary: your relationship with your stepfather only becomes more tense, and both of you know you can’t avoid him forever.

word count: nearly 5.8k

warnings: smut (heavy dubcon/noncon, and a few consensual encounters), stepcest, pain kink, daddy kink, groping, semi-public sex, a bit of pregnancy/breeding kink (just through dialogue), stockholm syndrome/sympathy for the abuser, grooming (hence the thing before this one), a bit of violence including use of a gun, a bit of housewife kink?

Jimmy O’Doyle was sweet, and handsome; tall, and strong, and with this gorgeous blonde hair that he either styled relentlessly or just somehow dried perfect on its own.  Sure, his nose was a little big, but you found it endearing, especially when his smile was even bigger. 

Most of the girls in Knockemstiff had a crush on Jimmy— maybe it was his looks, maybe it was the fact that he drove one of the nicer cars in town— but he was either oblivious or uninterested.  He seemed to keep to himself most of the time, though he'd always be polite and carry conversation if you approached him.

Well, not you.  You never approached him.  It made you a little too nervous.

Therefore, you had no plan when he approached you after church one Sunday.  You didn't even realize he knew your name, until he used it to get your attention with a tap on your shoulder.

"Oh, hey Jimmy," you mumbled back, looking up at him and chewing your lip.

"I like your dress," he informed you with a tilted smile.  You looked down at it— yellow, with a white gingham on the skirt— and felt your face getting a little warm.

"Oh, this?  Thanks, um, it was a gift from— from my stepdad."

"Oh, was it your birthday?"

You shook your head.  "Not for a few more months, he just bought me something to be nice."

Jimmy nodded, and there was an uncomfortable silence before you suddenly blurted out: "I like your tie!"

"Thanks!” he beamed.  “I got it when I went to—”

"Time to go, sweetie," your mother interrupted to inform you, motioning to the parking lot where Sheriff Bodecker was opening the driver's side door of his patrol car.  (Yes, he drove the three of you to church in the fucking patrol car.)

"Just a minute, mama," you smiled back.  “What were you gonna say?” you asked Jimmy.

“Uh, I was just gonna ask you somethin’...”

“Well, what is it?”

He scratched the back of his neck, looking away for a moment.  “Just if maybe you wanted to, uh, go for a drive sometime or somethin’...”

“A drive?  Yeah, sure,” you smiled, feeling a giddy nervousness bloom in your stomach.  “I’d like that.”

“Yeah, me too,” he nodded.  “I’ll pick you up tonight?  At 7?”

You pictured Jimmy appearing at the door with your mother and Lee sitting in the living room.  “Um, no, I’ll meet you somewhere.  At the corner of Bailey and Hillside?”

“All right,” he smiled.

“I’ll be the one in a yellow dress,” you winked.

“I’ll be the one in the blue Cadillac,” he grinned.

Your mother called to you again and you waved goodbye to Jimmy, feeling your cheeks warm as he waved back.  

“What was that all about?” she asked as you got into the back seat.

“Oh, he was just asking if I’d wanna join the choir,” you lied quickly.  

“Well I hope you said no!  I wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself,” she smiled.

“Of course, mama,” you nodded, shooting Lee a glance that said ‘do you see how she is?’

He looked back just for a second before starting the car, and you knew he understood better than most.

//

You had a plan to tell your mother and stepfather that you were going to meet some friends for dinner, but they never even asked where you were going.  Certainly made it easier to slip out and begin your walk to the corner where you planned to meet your date.  

You had your yellow dress on like you said you would, but you didn't wear the white cardigan that you had on over it at church that morning.  It was a warm night anyhow, but you hoped it would be a little more mature without it.  Not revealing or anything, but a little more daring.

Hopping into Jimmy’s passenger seat made you feel like the most special girl in the world, though you knew it wasn’t actually that big of a deal.  You let yourself get excited anyway.  

The conversation was pleasant, if nerve-wracking.  At first, you kind of hoped some other girls in town would see you in his car and get jealous, but as you two got to talking and you appreciated the scenic drive, it wasn’t so important to you anymore.  Jimmy asked where you wanted to go.  You just told him to go anywhere.  You weren’t exactly offended when he decided to take you to the closest thing Knockemstiff had to a ‘makeout point’: it was just a nice park that had a lot of open space and a cute little creek down the middle.  Knowing what this implied, you felt your face warm up slightly.

“Is it okay if we just sit in here and talk for a bit?” Jimmy asked gently.  “I rather like getting to know you.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you nodded, “I like talking to you, too.”

It went on like that for a while, talking about all sorts of things that were mostly unimportant.  Jimmy went on a bit of a ramble about baseball, which you normally found terminally boring; it was interesting when he talked about it with so much passion, though.  And he returned the favor by listening to you talk about politics which was probably just as boring to him.  

“I’ve never known a girl who knew so much about the world,” he said, seeming impressed.

“I don’t think I know that much,” you shook your head, “I just listen to the radio.”

“I listen to the radio, too, but it must not be the same station as you,” he laughed.

An awkward, but not necessarily uncomfortable, silence fell over the car.  You wanted to make a move, but you didn’t know how.

“Maybe we could turn on the radio now,” you suggested.

“All right,” he jumped up, leaning forward and turning his car radio on.

And dear, I wonder if you find love an optical illusion, too? 

“Oh, I love this song,” you admitted.  “I don’t have a record player, but I think if I did I’d only have Billie Holiday records.”

“You should come over sometime, I have a lot of records,” Jimmy offered.

“Does that mean we’ll have a second date?” you asked hopefully.

“Does that mean we’re having a first date, right now?” he returned.

“I was sort of hoping so,” you smiled nervously.

“So was I,” he agreed.

Are the stars out tonight?  I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright…

Your mind wandered as you feared that somehow, Jimmy would see right through you— see who you really were.  And if he did that, he’d never want you.  You knew that.  You figured Sheriff Bodecker would go out of his way to make sure you knew that, if he ever found out this was going on.  But he wasn’t going to find out, you decided, because he had no way of knowing and you were grown anyhow.  

‘cause I only have eyes for you…

When you snapped out of your thoughts, you realized Jimmy was leaning in towards you; and though you felt oddly guilty for no good reason at all, you closed the gap and kissed him.

It was gentle and sweet, nothing like the kisses you were used to.  Some materialistic, status-conscious part of you (probably the part that was related to your mother) was over the moon to be kissing the most popular young man in the whole town.  Most of you, though, was just happy to be kissing a boy that you liked, and that liked you back.

And secretly, a very teeny tiny part of you was thinking of someone else.

“You are so beautiful,” Jimmy whispered into the kiss.

“Really?  You think so?” you whispered back, smiling.

“Everybody does,” he answered as if it were obvious.  

You kissed him deeper, the smallest moan slipping out as his hands moved over your waist.  You gasped a bit when his hands moved to grab your breasts.

“Is this okay?” he asked quietly.

You nodded and kissed him again, whimpering softly as his hands massaged you through your dress.

Arousal was starting to awaken between your legs, and you felt your hips pushing down against the seat a little harder, seeking stimulation.  Gingerly, your hand started to slide up his leg, and you both gasped when you felt his erection underneath the corduroy.

He quickly took his hands off you to open up his trousers, pulling his cock out and sighing a bit when your hand wrapped around it.

You could tell it wasn’t as big as the Sheriff’s— not as long or as thick— but it still felt good in your hand, and Jimmy still looked beautiful with that look of pleasure and shock on his face.

“Damn, you’re…” Jimmy moaned, almost in disbelief, as you started to stroke him.  “You’re incredible.”

“Touch me again,” you pleaded gently, biting your lip when he reached up to pull the top of your dress down a bit— just enough to expose your tits and grab them again.

You got lost in the moment, with how good his hands felt on you, and how nice it was to kiss him, and how much you wanted him to come all over your hand.  So lost, in fact, that neither of you noticed a car had pulled up behind his until there was a tap at your window.

It was the Sheriff, shining a flashlight into the car.

“Shit!” Jimmy gasped, shoving you away and tucking himself back into his trousers while you pulled up your dress to cover yourself and turned off the radio.  Your stomach sank and you thought you could probably vomit right then and there.  

“Roll down the window, please,” Lee requested, and you awkwardly cranked the handle until it was halfway down.

“I’m sorry, Sheriff, it was—” Jimmy began to explain.

“What do you want?” you interrupted, glaring at Lee.

“Just wanna make sure you’re both alright,” he answered sternly.  “It’s gettin’ pretty late.”

“It’s not even ten,” you announced with crossed arms, “and you aren’t supposed to be workin’ tonight.”

Jimmy stared at you with wide eyes, somewhere between impressed and terrified that you were standing up to the Sheriff.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, ma’am,” Lee snarled.  You sighed and rolled up the window again; Lee stepped out of the way so you could open your door as you got out.  “You, stay in the car,” he instructed Jimmy, who nodded fearfully.

The second you shut the door, Lee was pressing you back into the side of the car and staring you down.  You were terrified of him, actually, but you refused to show it.

You whispered to him harshly, hoping Jimmy wouldn’t hear your exchange.  “Go.  Away.” 

Lee chuckled, in an angry sort of way.  “Givin’ some schoolboy a tug in his car, huh?  In the dress I bought you?  Thought you were better than that.”

“It’s none of your business,” you asserted.

“Everything that happens in this town is my business,” he replied, “and everything that happens to you is my problem.”

“It wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t a jealous creep who followed me around,” you hissed.

Jimmy stepped out of the car, and both of you turned to look back at him.

“Everything alright?” he asked, and you weren’t sure if he was asking you or Lee.

“Can’t say that it is,” the Sheriff shook his head.  “Way I see it, this is public indecency for the both of you.”

“Sir, we didn’t mean to—”

“I’ll let you off with a warning,” Lee told Jimmy with a disappointed frown.

“Thank you, Sheriff,” you mumbled.

“Not you,” he turned back to you with a sigh.  “I'm afraid I'll have to detain you.  Can't give you special treatment just cause you're family.”

“What?!” you squawked.

“You heard me, girl.  Hands behind your back."

“You can’t be serious,” Jimmy protested. 

“Didn’t I tell you to stay in your vehicle?” Lee remembered angrily, and Jimmy hesitated but obeyed.

As he cuffed your wrists, his hand drifted downward, cupping your ass and giving it a firm squeeze.

"Lee, don't…" you pleaded softly, "not here."

"Not here?” he whispered against your ear, making you shiver.  “Then where, princess?  You're never at home anymore.  When am I s'posed to make my girl feel good, huh?  When are you gonna take care of me?"

"You can take care of yourself," you grimaced.

"Oh, I do.  After your ma falls asleep," he chuckled.  "I get my cock off all by myself, thinking about you and your tight fuckin' hole."

You whimpered as he started to gather your skirt, rubbing his hands on your legs underneath.

"And what's this with you calling me Lee?  You know it's Sheriff in public, and Daddy at home."

“I’m sorry, Sheriff, I was just—”

“Come on, let’s get you to the car,” Lee grumbled as he roughly guided you to his patrol car, all but tossing you into the back.  

“Where are you gonna take her?” Jimmy asked as he leaned out of his window, not seeming to have noticed the way Lee was touching you but still obviously uncomfortable.

“Home,” was all Lee replied as he got in the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut.

Of course, as he started to drive, you realized that was a lie.  He drove down winding roads in tense silence, until he pulled into a clearing in the woods and turned off the engine.

“You fucked up real big tonight,” he informed you as he turned back to look at you through the caged partition.

You just looked at your skirt, that damned yellow and white gingham that had gotten you into this mess.  

“Get out, get in front of the car, and bend over the hood.”

He leaned back to open the door for you from the inside, and you shivered from the sudden blast of cool night air.  Lee watched you through the windshield with a dark glare as you walked around the car and laid yourself down over the hood.  The metal was cold; cold enough to seep through your clothes and make you shiver.  The whole world looked sideways when you saw it from this angle, but truthfully, your whole world felt completely upside down. You just waited like that for a moment— and it was the best he’d ever done to make you feel worthless, having you wait patiently for him to do what he was about to do to you.

Eventually, he stepped out with a gruff instruction not to move.  When his form was no longer visible in your peripheral vision, you felt him pressed up against the back of your legs as your skirt started to slide up.

“I try to be nice to ya,” he grunted, “treat you right, buy you things.  And what does it get me, huh?”

You didn’t say anything, because you were sure anything you would say would just make it worse.  With your skirt flipped up completely now, you could feel the cold autumn breeze on your legs as he pulled your panties to the side.

“I’m startin’ to think that kindness doesn’t go very far with you.  You like it best when I’m mean, dontcha?”

His belt made that terrible clinking sound as he opened it, and you felt his cock rubbing through your folds.

“Normally I would get you wetter first, but I think this’ll just have to do tonight.”

He pushed forward and it fucking burned.  You cried out, breathing through your teeth as you tried to bear the pain.  Behind your back, your nails dug into your palm.

He didn’t slow down at all, though, and fucked you faster and harder in spite of the sting.  Determined to get a reaction, he slapped your ass, too.

“Daddy!” you sobbed.  “It hurts!”

“You could’ve avoided it,” he yelled angrily.  “It didn’t have to be like this, but you wanted to act like a fuckin’ whore, and now you’re gettin’ treated like one.”

“I’m sorry!” you cried, wet tears warming the cold metal of the car beneath you. “I’m so sorry, daddy!”

Lee grabbed your hips tighter, surely enough to bruise.  Disturbingly, you felt yourself getting more aroused— it made it less painful physically, but so much more painful mentally.

“Told ya you like it rough,” he laughed.  “You’re already clenchin’ on me, I can tell you’re gonna come.”

You tried to shake your head, but he was right.  He reached up and pulled your hair roughly, making you yelp.  Even that made a pleasant tingle run down your spine, despite the fact that it hurt so much.

“You’re so fuckin’ close, princess,” he groaned, leaning down and watching your face closely, “you’re gonna come for your daddy, right fuckin’ now.”

You heard a twig snap before you knew what it was.  "What the fuck?!" another voice called out.

It was Jimmy, standing off just a few feet away in disbelief.  You closed your eyes, unable and unwilling to look at him in this moment.  Lee just sighed as he slipped out of you, stuffing his cock back into the pants of his uniform and zipping back up.  "You didn't see anything, kid."

"You… you're…” Jimmy stammered, “that's your stepdaughter!  The hell is wrong with you?"

"I said," Lee growled as he crossed the distance between him and Jimmy, pulling his gun from its holster and holding it under the boy’s neck, "ya didn't see nothin'."

"Don't hurt him, Lee, please!" you sobbed.

"Hey!" Lee yelped, turning back to look at you.  "You, shut up!"

"Don't talk to her like that!" Jimmy protested.  Lee responded with a swift backhanded slap, hitting Jimmy with his gun in the process.  

"You'd better learn how to respect authority, son, and real damn soon before somebody hands your ass to ya.  I'm not doin' nothing wrong with her, I'll have you know.  She's of age, and I'm not forcin' her to do it.  She likes it,” Lee bragged, “begs me for it, day and night.  Frankly, I can barely keep up with her.  Now, get on and mind your business, and this won't be any trouble for you."

Jimmy hesitated a little, glancing over at you for a moment.  “You’re a sick bastard, Sheriff,” he sighed as he shook his head.

Lee just grinned, almost like he was proud of the title.  "Tell me somethin', Timmy—"

"It's Jimmy."

"Yeah, whatever— you kissed her, didn’t ya?"

"Yes."

Lee laughed, grabbing the boy on the shoulder as if they were old chums or something.  "Oh, kid, if only you knew where that mouth had been."

Jimmy looked disgusted as he glanced at you and then to the ground, before turning away to storm off into the woods.  Lee seemed so proud of himself as he walked back to you, pushing you down since you’d started to lean up off the car.

"Now, where were we?" he purred.

"I hate you," you sobbed, "I hate you!"

"Oh yeah, that's right— you were about to come all over my fuckin’ cock."

He quickly got himself back out and shoved into you again, hard and brutal thrusts slamming your hips forward painfully.  

"I'd better not catch you with another stupid fuckin’ boy," he growled.  "You don't know how mean I can be, little girl.  You don't know everything I could do to them… you don't know everything I could do to you."

You tried your best to apologise again but the strength of your sobs made you nearly unintelligible.  Worse, you were so close to coming that you were starting to see stars.

"You're mine now, ya hear?" he moaned against your ear.  "Nobody else in this town is gonna touch you, or they'll have to answer to me.  Don't even want 'em lookin' atcha."

Your orgasm made your legs feel like jelly, your whole body going limp as all the energy to fight left you.  He kept fucking you strong and fast, overstimulating the most sensitive places inside you.  Your eyes rolled back in your head, your thoughts became fuzzy and distant, and all you could feel was overwhelming pleasure buzzing under your skin.

"Yours," you moaned weakly, "just yours, daddy…"

"Fuck, gonna come," he warned you, "gonna fill you up, sweetheart."

You nodded, the danger of that prospect feeling distant and abstract, while the best parts of it felt so close and tangible.  He groaned as he pumped his load into you, thick and hot and warming you from the inside out.  When he finally slowed to a stop and pulled out, you could feel a gush of it leak out of your opening and run down your thigh.

Silently, he uncuffed your wrists and helped you up off the car, sliding into the backseat with you with a quiet shut of the door behind him.  Something about the overwhelming sensations of it all, and the way it went from so loud to so quiet in just a moment, and his sudden switch from cruel to gentle, made your eyes water until you couldn't help but bawl.  You threw yourself into his arms and sobbed, clutching at his chest.

"I'm so sorry, daddy," you whimpered, "I didn't mean to do anything wrong…"

"Shh, it's okay, sweet girl," he cooed as he stroked your back soothingly.  "You know I only get upset like that cause I want the best for you."

"I know," you sighed, "I just wanted to be normal, you know?  Have a boyfriend like the other girls do, somebody I could marry someday."

"I get it," he nodded, "I don't blame you.  I wish we could leave this place, and start over where nobody knows where we are.  But you know I couldn't leave Knockemstiff… not when I'm about to win this election."

"If you can win here, maybe you can win somewhere else," you suggested.

He turned to look at you, a look of pleasant surprise on his face.  "You sayin you wanna run away with me, princess?"

"Umm…" you stalled.

"I know you wanna get away from your ma.  Hell, so do I.  You understand why I needed a wife though— people trust men with wives more," he explained matter-of-factly, "and not wives that are more than 20 years younger than them."

"So it was all a way to get reelected?" 

"I was lonely too.  Marriage didn't fix that though.  You did."

You looked up at him and couldn't believe the way you felt when you did.  Sometimes you hated him even more than you did before he married your mother, but at times like this, you loved him in a way you'd never loved anybody before.  You wondered if maybe hating somebody like that sometimes was just the way love worked.

"Come on, sweet girl, let's go home," he suggested softly, kissing you on the forehead.

You nodded as he got out of the back and returned to the driver’s seat, starting the car.  Laying down, you watched the tops of the trees through the window— though it was quite dark out and there wasn’t a lot to see— and felt your eyelids get heavy.  Drifting to sleep, you dreamt in vivid colors of abstract things that you could never explain with words if you tried; though you couldn’t have known it, Lee watched you sleep in the rearview mirror, and did some dreaming of his own.

//

Midnight snacks; the least of your many bad habits.

You emerged from your room in your summer nightgown— which meant it was as thin as it needed to be for the heat outside— and stepped carefully over the floorboards you knew to creak the loudest as you made your clandestine trek to the mint-colored refrigerator.

As you moved through the living room to get to your destination, you jumped when a figure shifted in the darkness.  Realizing it was Lee, you relaxed (mostly).

"You scared me," you giggled.  "What are you doing on the couch?"

He groaned as he sat up, rubbing his head and looking a little exhausted.  "Uh, nothing… what are you doing up?”

“Just getting a snack,” you admitted, “hope you don’t mind.”

“Don’t stop on my account.  I was thinkin’ of a beer anyways,” he shrugged, following you to the fridge as you opened it.  His shirtlessness was a little distracting as he stood behind you, looking over your shoulder and reaching around to grab the glass bottle.  Settling on a leftover slice of cake wrapped in saran, you set your bounty on the counter while Lee opened and took a sip of his drink.

“Is it good?” he asked you once you’d acquired a fork and scooped a bite of the sweet, sugary dessert into your mouth.

You nodded, smiling but trying to keep your lips together to avoid spitting the food out.  It was a few days old but somehow it tasted better than it had when it was fresh— maybe it was that it was cold on a hot night, or maybe it was that you’d had to navigate a nauseatingly-boring baby shower in order to get some the first time.  Your mother insisted on dragging you along to all kinds of ridiculous community events like that.

Your next bite was more ambitious, because you weren’t exactly worried about eating in a ladylike manner when it was past midnight and you were eating cake in your pyjamas.

“You got some frostin’ on your nose,” Lee informed you— but before you could wipe it off, he took his finger and swiped it right on the tip of your nose.  You felt yourself blush a bit as he licked the blue cream off of his finger.  “It’s sweet,” he announced, “but maybe that’s just you.”

As warmth bloomed in your chest from his kindness (even if it was cheesy), you felt a little bolder to press him about what was actually going on.

“Why were you really on the couch?” you asked softly.

He paused for a second, taking a long, slow sip of beer as he thought, but finally answered.  “I got kicked out of the bed.  Your ma… well, she doesn't handle rejection very well it seems."

"Rejection…?" you encouraged, feeling a bit nervous suddenly.

"I wouldn't sleep with her,” he clarified.  “And now I'm sleepin’… here."

You swallowed, even though you weren’t eating at that exact moment.  "Why… why wouldn't you sleep with her?"

He smirked a little.  "Sweetheart, once you've had a taste of rare meat, you never go back to well done."

The comparison to meat was demeaning, even if you came out on the flattering end of the metaphor.  Still, you took pity on him as you saw how uncomfortable the couch looked.

"You could sleep in my bed, you know,” you offered awkwardly.  “I mean, it's not as big as yours but… it's definitely bigger than the couch…"

He smiled at you in a way that made you wonder if you'd made a mistake.  "You're too sweet, darlin'.  Even for your own good."

The rest of your cake and his beer was forgotten as you walked with each other to your bedroom, now both of you avoiding the creakiest boards.  You couldn’t ignore the way he shut the door behind you as quietly as possible— another reminder that, though neither of you were saying it, that this was the sort of thing you didn’t want to be overheard.  The secrecy of it all made your spine tingle, and you liked it.  Who knew a good girl like you would learn to love breaking the rules so much?

It wasn't as strange as you'd expected to have him in your bed.  A little cramped, maybe, but also oddly nice.  He cuddled up to you, and you felt small but safe in his arms.  When his lips pressed against the back of your neck, you whimpered softly; and when his fingers started to trail down between your legs, you moaned a bit louder.

"Gotta be quiet, pretty girl, don't want anybody else in the house hearin' ya…"

You'd never known how good it could feel to be touched until Lee touched you.  His fingers found every delicate spot and slowly took you apart until it became near impossible to stay quiet.  So quickly after invading your body, he invaded your mind as well, and now he was all you could think about.  Not just in moments like this, disturbingly, but damn-near all the time.  It wasn’t that you forgot everything you hated about him, but more that you forgot how to feel the hate and instead could only logically try to convince yourself to hate him still.  Logic was long gone, though, as he kissed your shoulder and pushed two thick fingers into you.

"You're so wet, honey, you're gonna spoil me," he purred softly against your ear.  "Want me to love ya good, sweet girl?"

You nodded quickly, smiling wide.

He smiled back as rolled you onto your back and slipped between your legs, pushing his pyjama pants down.  You preened when you felt his cock start to slide over your pussy.  When he suddenly pushed in, you gasped and arched your back.

"Shh," he soothed, "it's okay, baby, you can take it.  You're so good, princess, my good girl…"

You whimpered but kept mostly quiet as he thrusted deeper, nearly all the way in.  Was he always going to be this much of a challenge to take?

"Keep those legs open real wide, honey, show me how bad you want it," he purred.

Your head craned up to watch his cock disappearing inside you, only to fall back again as he pulled back and pushed in, over and over, fucking you slow but deep.

"Daddy," you whimpered softly, "feels so good, please don't stop…"

He kissed you, cradling your face in his hands.  "Not gonna stop, princess, 'm right here, not gonna letcha go…"

You clutched at his shoulders, feeling so full that it almost hurt but you loved it, god you loved it more than you could’ve ever believed.  You loved the feeling of him inside you, like you were made for each other.  You loved his little breaths and moans, and knowing it was because of you that he felt good.  You loved it, even, when he went a bit too deep and your arms shot up to push him back, only for him to grab your wrists and hold your hands above your head.  

"My girl," he whispered into your ear, "my girl, my girl, my girl."

And shockingly enough, you loved being his girl.

"I love you, daddy," you sighed, so quiet that you were afraid he wouldn't hear you.  But he did.

"Say it again," he requested.

"I love you," you repeated, "I love you so much, daddy."

"I love you too, princess," he answered with a smile, "more than you can imagine."

He kissed you as his thrusts gained some speed, your walls already fluttering each time he pushed all the way in.  You knew he felt it because you could tell that he was still smiling into the kisses he placed on your neck and shoulders.  You knew he was close, too, because it was his cock beginning to swell and flex within you that pushed you over the edge.  He helped you stay quiet by wrapping his hand around your neck and tightening until you started to see stars.  It made everything stronger, so much so that it quickly became overwhelming as tears quickly began to pour down the sides of your face.  

He was quick to comfort you though, relaxing his grip and wiping the tears away with reverently-whispered praises.  

“Don’t pull out yet, daddy,” you requested softly, wrapping your legs around his hips when you felt that he was trying to pull back.  “I like feeling you inside me…”

He kissed you again, gripping your thigh tight, and stayed that way until you finally agreed that he could go— and who were you to say how long you made him wait?  It felt too good to let him go so soon, even if he was exhausted.  As soon as you nodded, though, he was slipping out and sighing. 

"Fuck it, I'm not gonna wait any longer," he groaned as he laid back onto your bed, staring at the ceiling, "I wanna make you mine for good."

You laid your head on his shoulder, looking up at him and admiring the little details of his face that you could only see when you were this close.  "I thought you said you'd never leave Knockemstiff."

"I don't think I have to.  What's the point of bein' the Sheriff if I can't marry who I want?"

You bit your lip a little before replying to that.  "You really wanna marry me?"

"Of course I do, princess,” he smiled proudly, looking back at you.  “Might have to wait a while if I'm s'posed to save up for another one of them diamond rings…"

"I don't need one, long as I have you," you decided confidently.

"You're too good to me, sweetheart," he smirked, kissing your temple softly.  "Can't wait to spoil you the way you deserve."

“How’s that?” you pressed, drawing abstract shapes onto his chest with your fingertip.

“A bigger bed than this,” he laughed.  “A nice car— if you want your own, that is.  You know I’d love to have you shotgun with me in the patrol car as much as I can.”

“You’d really get me a car?”

“Of course, after a little while.  What kind would you want?”

“A red one.  A real glossy red one.”

“Alright,” he smirked.  “How about I getcha somethin’ else fancy— pearls, maybe?  A girl like you deserves to wear pearls every day.”

“You think I’d look good in them?”

“Mm, especially if you weren’t in much else.”

“Okay, I could wear pearls if you bought them for me.  Maybe I’ll be one of those wives who’s wearing pearls and heels when her husband gets home from work.”

“Fuck, talkin’ like that’ll get me hard again, princess,” he groaned.  “Anythin’ else you want?”

“...I want a baby,” you admitted softly, embarrassed to even say it.

“I’ll put one in ya right now, sweetpea,” he purred.  “Well, maybe not right now, I need a minute or two but… I could’ve already gotten you pregnant, you know.  I’m no good at pullin’ out when it comes to you and that tight little pussy.”

“Is it strange if I sort of hope you did?  Get me pregnant already, I mean.”

“Not at all,” he shook his head, “at least not to me.  But I’m a little stranger than most.”

“Yes, that’s the impression I get,” you giggled.  

“Maybe it’s strange that I think you’d look beautiful pregnant, all round and glowin’, with my baby in ya…” he trailed off, clearly imagining it.

“Maybe it’s strange that I think you’re the most handsome man in all of Ohio,” you winked, snuggling up closer to him.

“That is most certainly strange,” Lee laughed.