#it was a messy learning process i'd like to try again in a different way somehow but we'll see we'll see!!!

[ishgard]

Without you, there ain't no place for me to hide Without you, there's no way I can sleep tonight What I'd do for a little bit of peace and quiet Without you, I keep slipping into bad dreams

[hederasgarden]

Hey Ivy 💕 I’m looking for some advice. I want to get back into writing, I haven’t written anything in literal years. I don’t even know where to start. I know logically the thing to do is just….start writing, simple as that. Use the muse, find the prompt, just start. But every time I try I get so incredibly cringed out but my own work and cannot continue. This isn’t even to post it anywhere or share it with anyone, it’s just for fun and a hobby, I know it doesn’t even have to be good, but then I think if its not good and I’m literally not going to post it anywhere then why bother do it. Any advice would be most welcome 💕💕💕

It can be really hard to get back into writing after being away from it for a while, especially when you’ve built up expectations for yourself. I think the first question to ask yourself is why you loved writing in the first place. Was it a fun, relaxing way to unwind? Did you enjoy crafting plots, exploring emotions, or developing connections between characters? Or maybe you loved engaging with fandoms, interacting with readers, and sharing your work with others? If you can pinpoint that original why it might help. 

For me, one of the biggest driving forces is how writing makes me feel. It can help me relax and disengage from stressors in my life but there’s also something thrilling about building a plot, diving deep into a character’s emotions, and getting that cathartic payoff when everything clicks into place. However, there are plenty of times when writing makes me feel the opposite and I’ve felt like deleting everything and quitting. I’ll probably feel that way again at some point. Tomorrow maybe. It’s all part of the process. 

I also would like to potentially publish some original material someday so I approach writing fanfic as a way to hone my craft. But not everyone wants to do that and that’s okay. Writing can just be silly and fun. 

Anyway, here are two pieces of advice I’ve found helpful:

Have zero expectations for your first draft.

I often cringe at my first drafts—they always feel so flat, and I miss a lot of the imagery and depth I want to convey. But honestly, that’s okay. The first draft isn’t about being good. It’s about getting something down on the page so you have material to work with. One trick I’ve found helpful is setting a timer for 10-15 minutes, and allowing myself to write stream of consciousness without editing. You’d be amazed at how much you can get done that way. Once I have a chunk of writing, I’ll go back and tidy it up, fixing grammar and adding more description and emotions. I rinse and repeat until I’m satisfied. It’s like adding layers and depth to a drawing.

I think people might be surprised how long it takes me to get to a finished product. 

Find a cheerleader.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't find a lot of motivation and inspiration from the feedback and interactions I get. However, we all know interaction on Tumblr can be tricky so I’ve learned not to solely depend on it. Instead, throughout my time in fandom, I’ve built friendships with other writers and readers and I can’t tell you how much it helps to have someone to talk to about your work. Whether it’s sending them snippets of your story, brainstorming plot ideas, or just getting them hyped about what you’re working on, having that support can make all the difference. Let them hype you up. Seriously. It's a game-changer. 

I know it’s hard when you’re feeling self-critical, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Writing is a process, and sometimes it’s messy and you hate it at first but you have to keep showing up. Even if you write 10 words one day, that’s progress. 

My inbox and DMs are always open to talk anon. I hope you can rediscover your joy of writing.

[broodsys]

just... thinking about my life tonight. feeling very (pleasantly) surprised with where im at rn. kinda heavy in the stuff it references but very positive overall

this time last year, i believe i was still getting high like... all the time. and that'd been going on for many, many years by then. most of my time in college i was getting high as soon as i got home.

and i don't really resent it - frankly, it helped keep me alive through some very rough times. but at the end, i didn't feel alive, either. just sorta... moving but absent. it was getting to the point that i didn't recognize myself. couldn't keep any friendships bc i was so scared of fucking up bc i knew i was living in a haze.

eventually i just hit a wall with it. started tapering off, expecting to pick it back up, but i just... never did. at the time, i didn't know if i'd ever write again, if i'd ever get my creative energy back, or if i'd lost it all.

(note: i'm not telling anyone what to do, i'm not judging, nothing like that; this is just my personal relationship with substance use)

but the thing is... here i am? the fact that i've written so much is remarkable in and of itself, like i feel a huge sense of pride and satisfaction with that, but the fact that i've written so much, that it's good, that it's the kind of nuanced, deep, complex writing i've always been scared to do... and all this after i thought i'd lost it all? that's like... it's hard to even believe sometimes.

but here i am. and things are still hard, of course. in a lot of ways, the underlying problems that i started using drugs to cope with are still there. but it's different now, because i know enough about myself, about life, about coping mechanisms, about focus and perception and all these things, that i can approach life differently even with many of the same burdens. and it's just... wild to me.

i'm writing fic. in fact, i've been writing a minimum of 500 words a day for over 100 days - well over, really, but i wasn't always tracking it. i'm writing one of the biggest fics i've ever written, and easily the best and most cohesive longfic i've ever written. i'm learning to draw??? like where tf did that come from? but it did, and i'm here, and i'm letting myself engage with it lightly, without undue pressure. trying to learn to not see the problems, trying to learn to trust the process, and overall just... engaging with creative outlets for the sake of engaging with creative outlets. i'm rping with my friends! i'm doing an exchange event for the first time in my life! i'm just... interacting and engaging in ways i haven't been able to for so, so long

and i'm talking to people! i'm beginning to open up and learn how to socialize again! sometimes it's awkward and i feel like i've fucked up but i'm accepting that part of it, too. being human is messy, communication is messy, all of it is... but it's worthwhile, too.

idk. there was a huge stretch of years there that were just... empty. before that, so much that was incredibly painful. and after that, still a lot that has been incredibly painful. things haven't necessarily "gotten better," but i've still gotten better.

just really thinking about that tonight. it's nice.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Hi Kiko! This year has been moving really fast. It's Mardi Gras season for me right now! We are on spring break as a result and I'm trying to get a bunch of work done for my prospectus so I can hopefully be ABD by next month. I'm also currently working through a back injury that I've been managing since 2020- finally got the okay to start lifting light weights again :) And I'm spending my first Valentine's Day in three years single. I'm loving myself more than my ex ever did, so I'm actually really fucking grateful. Got myself chocolates and I'm getting takeout from my favorite restaurant tonight (they have gumbo soup dumplings and matcha cheesecake. It's amazing). A year ago, I thought my whole world was ending. I was in the process of realizing my engagement was falling apart and my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. I was diagnosed with chronic illnesses and told I'd never not be in pain again. And while there are still rough days, I'm in less pain than I was most of last semester. I'm learning to really treasure my time with just myself and my cat. My parents and I are getting to spend time together just the three of us. And I got a cool shirt that kind of looks like the one you posted about Rinko wearing in Gokudō, soooo I'll be wearing that to my next cosplay convention :) Your stories genuinely helped me survive last year. I am so grateful I stumbled upon this little corner of the internet, and as odd as it may sound, I try to channel Rinko on my bad days. It gets me through. We're here to help get you through, too, love! Sending so much love and a metaphysical king cake your way! <3 Rai

RAI!! HELLO!!!

Mardi Gras is WILD but so fun lol

HAPPY SPRING BREAK AND GOOD LUCK ON WORK!!! ABD ALREADY?? Amazing. You’ll do amazing. I just know it. My best friend is in that boat now and it’s crazy to think about. (Especially since she’s literally growing a human inside her, too.)

I’m so, so, SO HAPPY for you that you’re loving yourself and building a better life for yourself separate from your toxic ex. BUYING ALL THE CHOCOLATES. YES. GUMBO IS ALSO INCREDIBLE.

I love that your life is already better than a year ago. I hate that you had to go through so much, but it’s beautiful how you were able to find your strength to get through it all and come out even better! 💕

I’m so grateful and humbled that Another Level and Rinko helped you. They helped me too. They saved me. This little corner helped save me. Realizing that something I created could actually make any kind of difference really did save me from despair because I believed nothing I did was worth anything and would never amount to anything.

Rinko is so fun and beautiful and strong and I’ve realized that many of my favorite of her traits are ones I wished I could have. Her courage specifically. Her courage in the face of so much misery and hardship and choosing to still be the person who loves and cares and is kind. I think that’s one reason people loved her so much. She’s not stupidly or obliviously nice. She sees and hears and feels the pain and anger and bitterness but still chooses to not let them define who she is. She knows that there’s enough hatred in the world without her adding to it. She’s not perfect, she makes mistakes and she gets angry and she sometimes lets those drive her, but at the end of the day, she still doesn’t let them define her entirely. They’re just part of her existing as a human.

Rinko is a beautifully messy human, just like the rest of us. We’re all messy and emotional and imperfect, but without those things, life would be boring and empty.

I started writing this days ago and I had to save it to my drafts because I wanted to dedicate enough attention to it because messages like these really do pull me out of the darkness. Life has been kicking my ass so hard. Everyone around me keeps saying I’m doing so well and handling things in the best way possible, but that in itself is so exhausting. I’m exhausted. To be perfectly honest, I feel so, so fragile. But I know that’s a sign of my strength because I get up every morning and keep going even when it feels too heavy.

Rai, you are a beautiful human who is doing so incredible and you are so strong for working to be better for you. I’m proud of you and I’m proud to consider you a friend 💕

Also, I’ve been working on lil chibi designs for myself because I want to use them to order a custom case for my new earbuds and I will share one of the lil Gojo chibis I’ve been making.

Admittedly, writing has been difficult lately. I’m in the mood to write angst but I can’t figure out what it would be and I also want to write the Valentine’s Day blurb so badly. I’ll get it done eventually, I promise.

[chubsonthemoon]

GUESS WHOSE BOOK ARRIVED TODAYYYYYY SO NOW I GET TO POST PICS!!!!

This is To Hell and Back Again, by dear dear @perexcri. Cover design by @byierficrecs (thank you SO much for letting me use your design!). Binding by me!

I'm not in ST fandom, but I had the pleasure of skimming this fic while I was typesetting, and can I just say? I'm rooting for these kids SO hard. I'd go to hell and back again for them--[GUNSHOT]

But in all seriousness, Leah's writing is whip-smart, sincere, and funny as hell. I cannot recommend it enough to anyone who is a fan of these crazy kids. Her ao3 is a veritable treasure trove of excellent byler stories, which you should absolutely check out right now go do it!!!

As usual, process chatter and more pics, under the cut! <3

WORD COUNT: 144k

FONTS:

Title: Hellprint

Heading/Chapter Headings/Spine Titling: Norwester

C4 Summary: Roboto Condensed

Main Body Text: Garamond

COVER MATERIAL: Epson Premium Presentation Paper Matte, printed on my Epson Ecotank (more on that later baha)

HEADBANDS: Trebizond silk thread in the colors Garnet and Black

EDGE PAINTING: Acrylic paint in Crimson and Black

TITLING: Red iron-on foil for the text and white HTV for my maker's mark. Cut by Charlotte, my Cricut!

BINDING:

This was my first go at a German Bradel binding! I've seen lots of Renegade folks use this method and am so psyched I got around to trying it myself. I modified DAS's approach a bit and tipped on endpapers instead of sewing them in (there were a lot of new things to learn so I decided to shelve sewn endpapers for the next binding XD). I also only had 2.0 mm bookboard instead of 1.0 mm, so instead of layering two of the same boards like DAS did, I instead used one 2.0 mm board and one very thin piece of cardboard to create the groove for the hinge. The original article that DAS bases his video on actually uses boards of two different sizes too--a "thick" board and a "thin" board--but I still want to experiment with DAS's way of doing it, especially since I think it'll be easier to do cutouts on thinner board.

As far as matching the groove with the hinge, I think I did pretty okay for my first try! One board is definitely better fitting than the other though baha. There's always room for improvement, but hey that's where half the fun is anyway (and also you can't tell after the case-in whew), so I'm not stressed about it :D

COLOR SCHEME:

Nearly all of my design decisions for the color scheme were based off of @byierficrecs's gorgeous cover design! They were so generous in letting me use their cover and answering my questions about fonts, for which I can't thank them enough. And with so many wonderful elements to work with, it was so much fun to tease out the elements I loved from their work!

I decided to keep with the theme of red/black, which I also thought was fitting for a ST fic set largely in the Upside Down. Thus, black painted edges with red vines, as a kind of inverted, "upside down" continuation of the cover:

Even the thread I used to sew the signatures is red/black! :3 (please also ignore how the picture of the textblock is not focused on the actual textblock ajsldkfjs it was very late when I took that photo)

COVER PRINTING:

This was my first time printing a cover on my new printer (!!!), and BOY oh boy was it an adventure. Figuring out the dimensions took a second, but not as long as it took me to figure out what settings produced something I was happy with. Behold, all my test prints:

Very long story short, let's just say now I understand why being a prepress color specialist is literally a career you can have in publishing LOL.

Also, for some reason I could only sometimes get the bleed to work? Basically what I ended up doing was painting over the parts where the design didn't quite extend over the turn-ins, using with the same black acrylic paint I used for the edges. You can see this more clearly in the photos I took of the groove, and the endpapers covered the messy bits when I cased in:

THE MAIN INGREDIENT: LOVE

Finally!! The most important part of the process!!! HI LEAH ILY!!!! This fic is special for a lot of personal reasons, but chief among them is LOVE!!!! Your A/N's made me tear up when I first read it, because AH! You read my words of love!!! And went and wrote hundreds of thousands of your own words of love!!! And now I hope I've given that love back once again :3 And on and on we go, ad infinitum, until we are relieved of the curse of literacy and greet whatever comes after all this, thanks be to Todd. But until then, I'm so glad I get to shoot holes out of bagels and scream about radioactive tumblr posts and cry over fake people with you, friend :] Truly, peace and love on FUCKING Planet Earth. We are making it and we will all go together when we--[ANOTHER GUNSHOT]

I'm so excited to see where we're going, and what other stories we have to tell. But for now: EEEEEEEE YOU WROTE A BOOK!!!!!!!

<33333!!!

[homicidal-mother]

"Like I'm The One"

-

MDNI

-

Carlos Oliveira x GN!Reader

-

Warnings: Pure Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Slight Hurt + Comfort

-

Your fingers tapped anxiously against the kitchen table, you've been best friends with Carlos since you were children. You confided everything into each other.

Being without communication with him for so long made your heart sink, mind plagued with worries especially since there's been a few close calls with his line of work before.

Losing your best friend is not on the list of things you think you could handle going through, yet it's a very real possibility that sits right around the corner always. A suffocating weight that you learned to cope with via distractions.

-

"I'll be back before you know it."

"You better be."

That goofy grin spread wide on his face like usual, he waved to you before heading off. Your fingers clutching onto your mug tightly.

You better come back to me. I can't imagine a world without you- you big idiot.

-

His thick curly hair soaked from the rain as well as the rest of him, effectively looking like a giant drenched sheep dog dripping all over your floor.

"Carlos-"

"Told you I'd be back."

You aren't sure when you started crying, not entirely aware of your own body's reactions at this point, all the stress from everything surfacing.

You missed him.

You needed him.

Work had been horribly stressful on top of everything, coffee stains on your shirt from a pissy customer, trembles wracking your body.

You only came back out of your head when you felt two strong arms wrapped around you, tugging you into a tight embrace. He smells of rain and musk, getting you damp in the process not that you cared.

"Hey, hey... Look at me. I'm right here. It's going to be okay..."

His words were soft as he spoke, a reassuring tone to try and ease your aching heart, gripping you close like a precious vase that could be shattered in one slip.

He pulled back and looked down at you, letting your gaze fall on his worried expression. However you also took note of just how messy his hair is at the moment, a soft chuckle emerging which in return made him smile.

"There's my sunshine."

He remarked as he took in your happier features, your smile could always light up his day and he'd do anything to see it- even if it was because you were giggling at how disheveled he looked.

"Let me go get you a towel."

"Good idea."

••

You sat beside him on the couch watching TV, settling into the comfortable feeling of it like usual. Those deep brown eyes of his were fixated on the show... You however kept finding yourself glancing at him instead.

Were you harboring feelings for him that were more than just friendship? Of course not... Don't be ridiculous...

He finally shifted and looked right back at you, catching you during your deep-in-thought staring.

"Something on your mind?"

You were like a deer caught in headlights- how do you possibly explain this???

Though the way he looked at you wasn't how friends looked at each other either, come to think of it he's always looked at you a bit differently- you just never fully noticed.

"I just..."

He moved in closer to you with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Just what?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

You scooted back away from his form slightly and glanced away, trying to force the butterflies in your stomach to cut it the fuck out.

"You were the one who was staring first."

He chuckled slightly and you couldn't help but huff at the comment, it almost felt like back when you two were young teens again. Attempting to navigate that desperately fuzzy feeling.

"Just- don't look at me like that."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

His hand finds its way to yours and encompasses it in his grip, his touch warm and comforting as always which only worsens the tide of feelings.

"Because?"

"Because it makes me feel like... Like I'm the one."

He moved in closer and placed his finger beneath your chin, tilting your face up to meet his gaze and allowing him to take in all that is you.

All the things he's loved about you for so long.

"What if you are the one?"

There's no hint of doubt in his expression or voice, making it clear it's always been you that he wants. Perhaps he's held back all this time out of fear of screwing up the friendship.

Maybe that's the chains that have held both of you back.

Soulmates or not you'll be damned if you miss this chance, leaning in and at last getting to taste him on your lips.

Tender and sweet like honey, eyes shut and at peace with the world. All you could feel was him and the steady drum of your heart, one of his hands settled on the back of your head while the other was on your mid-back.

Don't you dare ever leave me in a carlos-less world.

-

{Guys I'm so in love with him you have no idea- this is my first attempt at writing for him though. Lol}

-

{More Content}

[flyin-shark]

I'm the anon who asked all the curious questions about sexuality and gender!

First off, just to answer your question about what it might mean to be "a guy in a girl way" - So this can obviously mean a lot of things for a lot of different people, and if I were to get into the nitty gritty we could be here all day :P

But actually I was trying to express my situation in "cishet" language. So I'm agender. I'm afab. I use he/him and I am most comfortable with being thought of and referred to as if I was a guy.

But for all intents and purposes people are going to assume that I'm a woman if they don't know otherwise. I'm androgynous sure, but I'm petite to a fault, and never transitioned physically in any way, so to most people who meet me casually, they will assume that I'm a slightly androgynous and gnc woman.

I am polyamorous, and one of my partners is a mostly cishet dude. I know that he most likely wouldn't be (sexually) into me if I was a cis guy. But then again, I am not a cis guy. And I don't question his love or attraction, or respect for my gender. But I do insist that him being with me makes him at least "a little bit bisexual".

It's obviously very complicated, and like. I really respect that you sat down and learned about the community and the terminology etc despite how it might not be a huge part of your life. That's very valuable, and in and of itself, it's a very refreshing and healing thing.

I think the value of allyship is too often understated. Up to and including by the notion that if you are a true ally, you must be some kind of queer in denial.

That said, I do think that to be a true ally (and I think you are in this process!) it's necessary to acknowledge (as you do) that the categories and labels are all just approximations. This includes "cis het". It's ok to have these moments of confusion and just take them for what they are, because at the end of the day human experience is messy and complicated. It doesn't have to threaten your identity as such, because the identity is just the label you currently feel comfy with.

So for example if we met and you didn't know me well (as a co-worker or whatever), you might find me attractive thinking I was a cute lady. If you then asked me out and I knew you were cishet I would probably gently explain that I'm not your type/it wouldn't work for me.

If you met me knowing beforehand that I'm a dude who looks a bit weird, you might not feel the same attraction because your brain has put me in the box of "dudes".

But then if you got to know me and we became close or something, you might start to feel attraction based on liking me as a person and me looking the way I do. And then you might feel bad for it, because you would feel that this attraction means you don't respect my gender or something.

Obviously we are likely not going to meet so that's a completely hypothetical example, but in the latter scenario I would actually take your attention way more seriously. And I think so should you (if a similar situation ever arose).

Because attraction based on knowing a person intimately transcends gender and at that point I wouldn't care so much that you wouldn't be physically attracted if I was a cis guy. I'd be like, well he knows me and I know him, we like each other, and if we get to add freaky sex to the mixture it's a win-win.

Because misgendering is more about dehumanizing. The need to reduce me to my physical body. Somehow?

Anyways I'm literally rambling and I'm being embarrassing all over your inbox, sorry ^^""

Anyways uhhh. Keep swimming, little shark. I will shut up, sorry

Honestly these discussions just make me want to abolish gender. Everyone should just be attracted to whoever and have consensual relations with whoever :3

In the meantime I’ll keep trying to be as good an ally as I can be

[salchat]

👋 I just wanted to drop by and say I really love your art - it's so beautiful and I dont know how the fandom ever lived without it!!!

I've been on and off tumblr lately so I've missed some context, but I saw your post about cancer and spending the time you have learning to make art/writing fic. I think it's really cool that you're open about your diagnosis - my aunt had cancer and I know her willingness to talk openly about it brought a lot of comfort to people who didn't feel like they could do so. AND I super respect the "now of never" attitude - none of us should've putting off learning & doing things that bring us joy!

It also feels like you approach your art with a certain experimental attitude, like you're not afraid to make a mess of it (not that I've ever seen art from you that looks messy lmao). I dunno if that's related to "now or never" but regardless I admire it and am inspired to experiment more myself with writing. Thank you for sharing your art journey and love for these characters.

💕🦈

Thank you very much for your kind words. In some ways I wish I'd found the Supernatural fandom earlier, but I guess it came along at the right time, just when I needed a fresh new obsession! There's so much art of amazing quality that it's really quite humbling - not that I have an over-inflated opinion about my art anyway. I love it, but I can see its flaws all too easily.

I try to be open about my cancer, without constantly shoving it in people's faces - it's a difficult balance to get, because for me it's there all the time, every minute of every day, influencing everything I do, especially at the moment. And there's no getting away from that, not in the situation I'm in, when soon I'll start chemo and there isn't actually an end date in sight, other than 'when it stops working' and who wants to think about that? Certainly not me. Still, the battle, I find, isn't against the cancer itself, it's more about fighting to enjoy life - to have joy and silliness and amazement and all the good things - but to have them alongside the darkness and the grief, at exactly the same time.

Anyway, yes, part of my attitude to my art is, 'what's the worst that could happen?' I find some people at my life group are so tentative and worried - I just slash away and see what happens and it comes out all the better for that freedom. Art at home is a bit different, especially if I'm working on a portrait. I try to be similarly free and experimental, but it is so very, very hard to get a convincing likeness - and actually, as I progress it seems even harder - to catch an expression, to get the right angle and tilt and for it really to be that person. It's easy to get too intense and bogged down in the detail and the measurements. But it's a learning process. And what really pisses me off is that I want to carry on with that learning process, and carry on and on and on. But I won't be able to.

Still, life is now, right? Better get on and draw. Or write that fanfic that was going to be two chapters of satisfying h/c, but will now have to be three because I need it!

Thank you again for your lovely words.

[honeybeekao]

okay take everything with a grain of salt because im not the izumi expert but here's my madness with izukao i was half asleep (slightly edited i had to fix typos and add a Little. for my sake.)

it's impossible for me to be normal when izukao exist. like Good lord theyre such a messsss

because okay. Izumi's like this guy who conceals his emotions and avoids sentimentaiity through Working and reaching his own standards. and his attitude is the embodiment of tough love. he's mean and nice at once and holds himself so highly because he has no choice. at least that's what he thinks. and it keeps his sense of self intact. without his faux confidence he may very well be nothing. i digress, he's not easy to love. he also has this deep seated fear now of ruining people so theres that..

kaoru's a normal guy going through the process of figuring out what he needs exactly. i think smth important about him is that friendship and connection is inherently vital in his existence. he learns to be loved for real by becoming closer to kanata and through that love he learns what it's like to not be so lonely. or at the very least, what being lonely together can mean. his intense loneliness doesn't have to plague him forever, maybe growing up is about learning just that.

he's a sweetie he's thoughtful and cares a lot for certain people.. he's always trying to brighten a room no matter what. knows holding himself to his dad's expectations is fruitless but he kinda does it anyway . god his self worth for awhile was so bad

i think izukao work because neither of them are perfect, they're so messy and complicated. in different And similar ways it's just so. whfhg they cant Fix eachother, i'd hate if that was how they were. but they definitely can help a lot. while also navigating this weird limbo of trying to learn who the other really is.

at first they have a friendly rivalry. being yumenosaki's Pretty People and all. (socially they've got Reputations) i think izumi really benefits from lighthearted carefree ppl interacting with him. again it's not easy to love izumi.. so the fact that kaoru does start treating him like a friend means something. kaoru's so good at tearing ppl's heads out of the clouds. cough rei cough

and basically zumi can learn So much from him. how to appreciate more, maybe feel more. Yeah. just feel. stop being stoic and face your fears idiot. once youve worked yourself to the bone til all your emotions run dry, it won't even be worth it.

izumi helps kaoru with self confidence in his own roundabout izumi way. it's like..basic skills Be more sure of yourself you're being a pushover, don't be naive— oh that was a stupid thought pattern i see.. thanks. and at first kaoru can't tell if the guy even likes him (he rants to rei abt this and rei finds it amusing but helps regardless) but eventually he decides on "he likes me he's just weird"

izumi and his bottled up emotions, he also conceals Any fear with a wall of stone. and so him not communicating this is an issue (not that kaoru is the best with communication early on either. they're both scared)

they teach eachother how to stop hiding so much.. and izumi learns to like the sound of the ocean

they hold hands and take candid photos of eachother! they kiss passionately and go on suffocatingly romantic dates. they hang out indoors when it's raining as if it's their last day on earth. thank you for reading

[onmyliteraturebullshitagain]

Hello! I’m a big fan of your work. I write some myself, but I often have a hard time sticking with my stories, even if I love the idea and characterization. As soon as something isn’t coming out exactly like I envisioned, I kind of just rage quit lol.

So I was wondering if you could explain your process? Do you make an outline? Does it come to you as you go along? How do you stay excited about what you write?

Hello there! First of all, I'm SO sorry this took me forever to answer, but I was having a bit of a mess with my own writing and process and then just... life. All that. But here I am now, and I'll try to explain what I can!

Ok so first of all, I think everyone has some projects they just rage quit or sputter out on, and I think that's part of the writing process. But I do think there are ways to make staying at it easier!

Here's my big one, which I also tell my students with academic stuff: a first drafts only job is to EXIST because you can't revise a blank page. So remember that when you're writing, it's most likely NOT gonna be perfect on the first write though! Sure, sometimes you have moments that are just genius right away, but often, stuff takes work. I rewrite and revise ALL THE TIME. Probably more than is healthy, honestly, but letting go of that perfectionism and just trying to get the first draft to exist on the page can make a big difference in continuing to write things to completion.

As far as outlining, my answer to that is sort of weird? Because I don't do any formal sort of outline but I do basically always have a general idea of the end of the story when I start writing. This could be the big climax moment (the couple gets together, the hero saves the day, etc) or even just the internal development I want to see a character work through by the end (the protagonist starts out closed off from others but learns to accept help by the end, etc). Either way, I see my stuff mostly fizzle out if i don't know what I'm writing toward. That ending point might (and often does) change through the writing process, but there's almost always SOMETHING I'm writing toward.

I also do make ridiculous notes for myself about character and plot points and ideas of endings just so I have them to refer back to. Again, they usually change a lot bc I'm not a rigid outliner, but it helps me to have some sense of what's happening and why. Let me see if I can find an example.

Haha OK, here's a WILD example of my notes for The Play's the Thing way back in the day:

Is it a Google doc of slightly messy nonsense? Yes. Did it give me a place to brainstorm and refer back to later when I was writing? Also yes.

So I'd say figure out what sort of notes/outlining/planning works for you. Also remember that you don't have to write in order! No one reading it will know, so sometimes it helps to jump around in the narrative if you feel like you're getting stuck.

In that respect, I also sometimes use brackets if I'm in the zone and don't wanna derail myself with looking for the write word or figuring out details of some little scene that doesn't matter at the time. My first drafts are littered with [add word] [characters travel to next scene] [time period specific clothing] etc that I can then find via searching " [ " and revise later. That can help keep you from getting hung up and/or bogged down by the fiddly details when you're writing for the broad strokes.

As far as staying excited about what I write, I'm not sure what to offer except that I like knowing what I'm writing toward and also allowing the story to grow and evolve as I'm writing it. Characters come to life when you get writing, and sometimes letting them surprise you can do wonders for keeping a story going. It sounds crazy, but allowing a story to grow and adapt and head in different directions (as long as you've still got that sense of where the story's headed and that it's heading toward something) can really keep you interested and motivated. I'm also just weird and usually enjoy the writing/revising process as long as I'm still feeling excited about and enjoying the story.

Which leads to the reminder to write what you want and what makes you happy! It sounds like you've already doing that if you like the characters or ideas, but maybe finding plots and styles you enjoy more could help too. :)

OK, that got very long and was definitely a look behind the curtain at my chaos, but I hope maybe some of it could help keep you writing and feeling good about it! I hope so, and I hope to read some of your stuff someday!

[belatedbday69]

thinking a lot about my writing process lately (jesus what's new) but I want badly to figure it out. this is a lot feel free to ignore

I've been thinking about the different processes I've used in the past and how they worked or didn't work.

I wrote Waiting for You over, I think eight months? I really took my time with it, and it's still the largest thing I've written only at 43k. It was a huge learning process and I feel like the dedication I had to really taking my time is responsible for that. I wrote when I was inspired and didn't plan ahead at all. It was the first time I ever tried to intentionally do a plot and when I finished I realized how little I really grasped plot. But was I wrong?

Part Time Heart came so fast that I didn't have time to name it something good. Only 10k but it's tight, and the moments are good, and I didn't have to think about it. It took a single week to finish and I have no idea what happened. I must partially attribute it to the fact that I hadn't written b*dk since finishing w4u and I'd read like seven books and a ton of fanfic in that span of time as well, so it was like the words and ideas were pent up, cooking inside of me or something. I don't know. I didn't have to outline, I just went for it because I had a very clear and close goal, and it was perfect. I had so much fun!

Lose This Number was...something. I tried really hard but I botched the end, simple as that. It's fine, like it's fine, but then I realized there were so many other issues...It feels rushed, like I need to put more details if I have an idea as big as that. I set out to write something that would be 15k and I did, but I think the story is more of a 50-60k story, and I just...left out, like, most of it, and then I forced an ending that felt strange. There's always the possibility that I could rewrite the story so it's that length, but the idea stresses me out because, well, I don't know! This is the story that drastically changed how I wanted to write the next one because I realized I couldn't trust myself anymore. W4u ended satisfyingly even if it was messy, PTH was an easy homerun, and I've a handful of scenes that I crafted the plot of with ease. I used to trust myself, but at this point I realized I couldn't anymore. I should have taken a break but I couldn't because I had my next fic to write.

you're a chicken if you don't is so cute and fun and I love it a lot. I wrote the first three chapters in three weeks and then took two months to post the last two. I used outlining a lot with this one, honestly in an obsessive way. I'm not sure if it helped. If it came out well, does that mean this is the right way for me? Anyway, I got scared to end it because I didn't want to fail again, but I powered through and gave it a good ending and I think this is growth compared to LTN. I didn't freak out, I mean I freaked out but I gave myself time and figured it out and it's perfect. So why am I second-guessing myself so much?

I have learned that I'm scared of endings, or not good at writing them, maybe both. that just means I have to practice. I could do shorter stories to practice this, or would that be fake practice because it's long endings I need help with? I think ramping up my word count to 35k for the next one would be good. Or maybe even 50, if the story feels right for it. Because I could do one of two things:

Continue this obsessive over-outlining because well, it must do something for me. Getting my thoughts down on paper surely doesn't have a negative effect. But it is easy to feel...uninspired. Like it's formulaic or whatever. I'm not sure if this is just because yacifd was so short that I really only had time for the main plot elements. But I think I just felt that way toward the end because I felt trapped?

Try to "trust myself" again and just start going for it. Feels irresponsible and like the wrong decision. I don't think I understand plot well enough to just go for it like that. But that also feels wrong?

See, I think I need to commit to something long and push myself again. No, I should gradually up the word count until I feel like I can see the entire story before I start. I don't know. I'll come back to this.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey! I wanted to ask you about how you interpret JihyunAE!Saeran's personality. Since he didn't receive official therapy, would he be more like GE!Saeran or SE!Saeran? I personally think he'd be closer to GE!Saeran, perhaps a more demure version. They didn't wait for the elixir to wear off in the SE so I suppose he won't be as dismissive. I'd really like to hear your opinion about this. Thanks :)

This is just how I see it, but I know there are a million ways to read into this. 

To be clear, I think that I should preface this by saying that I personally believe the VAE boy o be Ray. I don’t think he’s a fusion of Suit Saeran and Ray, in the sense that GE Saeran is. I sincerely think he’s Ray. 

There’s nothing in the game to say that he isn’t Ray, or that he is. It’s just what I see and feel. Part of the reason why he’s taken away by V in the first place is that his mental headspace is not safe for him. He could hurt himself or hurt Saeyoung.

He already hurt himself once with the bomb and the volatile actions that he and Suit Saeran both can take against others aren’t safe. I really don’t think that he and Saeran worked it out because there was no way for them to do that. V is there for them, but—

You can’t unpack trauma and shame easily, it can take years for someone to be able to find their heart again or learn what went wrong. Saeran and Ray both are going to deal with a lot. Just because they’re able to work out things with Jihyun in this ending doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy with Saeyoung. He is this walking trigger for Ray. 

Everything about his twin is supposed to set off alarms and scare him, and that is why when you see him at the end of the After Ending, he is staring with wide-eyes and surprise on his face. He likely spent months trying to learn and really rationalize that Saeyoung wouldn’t hurt him, and Ray has the tendency to show his fear in a way that Suit doesn’t. 

He’ll break down and cry about things and Suit will lash out to protect himself before he cries. Ray might’ve been able to start the process with help from V but he’s going to need to be with his brother in a tangible way to make anything just work out properly. I think that Suit Saeran is still holding onto the anger and the shame.

So, when they're around Saeyoung again, it’s going to be messy. He may not say or do the right things. Saeran himself is going to have moments where he’s not able to stomach him. He’s going to need to work on being around Saeyoung and they’re going to have to talk a lot. So, it’s going to be dangerous and kind of heartbreaking at times. 

Recovery is a lifelong circumstance but it can get better. 

So, they both have a long way to go. Ray is the host of the body. He is at the front the most often and his voice is the most present. So, when I talk about this ending, I’m mainly talking about Ray himself. He is more withdrawn, quiet, and it feels like he’s going to shatter if you touch him. He won’t, but he’s very much a vulnerable person. 

He’s skittish and he’s not good at talking to people. He tends to keep to his own devices. He’s not inherently cruel or malicious, he’s just... stiff. It’s different in the way that you see with SE Saeran because SE is a lot more sullen and broken at his lack of convention and choice. Ray has the same problem, but he just deals with it in a different way. 

Ray doesn’t know how to interact with other people and honestly, he won’t let himself try. It pains him to see the MC because he loves them so much but they don’t love him the same way. He’s happy that they’re happy, though, and he is wishing them a happy future. He keeps to himself, he likely tends to a garden of his own design and he’s working on himself.

Every day is a struggle.

[holydean]

hi Tumblr! it's been a really long time, and i have a lot to say.

first, i'd like to start by saying i am very self conscious about the art attached to this post, but i'm posting it anyway. i haven't drawn anything solid in close to three months now. i have not been immune to the craziness wrought on by the wake of this pandemic. but i believe art is meant to be messy, a process, allowed to be unfinished and unpolished. so here it is.

i have been diagnosed with ADHD, and learning how to cope and create success strategies for myself has been an adventure and a half. i have chosen not to pursue medication for personal reasons, so building routines is my key. i have also recently signed onto a lease for a house to live with my two best friends and have been thrown into the hectic storm of moving in the middle of a global crisis.

that being said, i have had zero motivation or drive to draw, despite my commissions on the back burner and professional obligations. i've been avoiding getting back into it out of fear. the fear of knowing i've been without practice now for three months and retraining my eyes and brain to adjust to that of an illustrator is going to be tough. because of that fear, i stopped.

but here i am, posting this now. i drew for an hour today. i drew this. i'm going to try again tomorrow, and the day after that. i will probably fail a few times. but this is me, officially holding myself accountable, because i have to. my brain chemistry is fighting me every which way, and i'm fighting it back now.

rambles aside, this exercise has been incredibly helpful for me. find a picture you want to draw, look at it once and draw without reference for a set period of time. then restart the clock, and draw it again, looking at your reference. i am out of practice so the differences may seem overdramatic, but it is so helpful!

thank you all for your endless patience with me. i appreciate it so much more than you know. thank you, thank you, thank you.

💕 benji

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hiya! I'm a new writer, aside from an odd bit of fanfiction here and there. I'd like to finally begin an original story. What are your initial actions when beginning a new work? Aside from that, do you have any more tips for me to adhere to? I'm not looking to publish or anything, this is purely for fun.

Guide: Starting a New (Long Fiction) Story

Whether you’re writing for practice, publication, or fun, the process for writing a new original story is different for everyone and often depends on the project itself. Here are some things to consider as you start to prepare and get started on your new story.

1. To plot or not to plot?

The first thing you’ll want to do is decide how much you want to plot out the story before you start writing. Some writers are avid plotters, planning out every detail of their story before they begin. Other writers prefer to take an idea and wing it, and some people plot as they go. At the very least, it’s a good idea to make sure you know the following before you start writing:

Who is your protagonist? What do they want, why do they want it, and how are they going to get it?

When and where is the story set? What parts of this setting will play the biggest role in the story and how?

Who or what is the antagonistic force? Every protagonist needs an antagonist to work against them, creating obstacles they must overcome as they try to reach their goal. An antagonistic force is anyone or anything that creates those obstacles, whether a super villain, overbearing but well-meaning parents, a disease, a natural disaster, or a plague of zombies.

Know your beginning, middle, and end. Before you start writing, it’s a good idea to have a mental picture of how the story starts (your character’s normal life before everything turns upside down), what’s happening at the midpoint (what happens to raise the stakes and give the protagonist a big push toward the “final showdown” with the antagonist), and how the story ends (does your character defeat/survive the antagonistic force? Do they reach their goal? How does your character or their world change as a result?) 

2. Research and Inspiration...

Whether or not you decide to plot, you will probably want to spend a little time doing some research and looking for information. If you are choosing to plot, you may want to do this afterward or during your plotting phase. Ultimately, you’ll want to consider whether there are any elements in your story that you need to know more about before writing them. This might include things like learning what it’s like to be deaf, how castles are laid out, or what kinds of plants and flowers typically grow in forests. If you’re setting your story in a real place, or are using a real place as inspiration, you may want to learn more about that place. If your story takes place in a particular era or involves a particular event or type of event, you will want to research those. For inspiration, you may want to look for pictures of everything from characters and clothing to buildings and places. Some writers enjoy putting together pinterest or tumblr galleries to house inspiring pictures. You may also want to put together character, setting, and story aesthetics (collages), put together a writing playlist that has the right feel for your story, or even travel to places or do activities that are related to your story.

3. Planning, preparation, and organization.

If you’re going to wing it, you’re pretty much ready to get started with writing now. However, if you’re going to plot your story, this is the point where you might want to do a little more planning and preparation before you start writing, and depending on how much stuff you accumulate through these early stages, you’ll probably want to do a little organization, too.

When I start a new story, I always do three things:

-- purchase a three-ring binder and dividers for keeping track of my story plans-- set up a story specific folder on my desktop with necessary subfolders-- set up a story specific folder in my browser with necessary subfolders

I like to decorate my binder with a printed out aesthetic picture and a pretty title on the side. The divider tabs for my binders usually contain sections like: characters, setting, outline/scene list, notes, rough draft, etc. If there is more than one major setting, sometimes I’ll give each setting their own divider. It really just depends on the needs of my story, and sometimes I re-organize my dividers as the story progresses and my needs evolve.

My desktop folder usually contains the following subfolders: drafts, storage, notes-ideas, character stuff, setting stuff, inspiration, and then sometimes I do additional subfolders... like my “character stuff” subfolder might have subfolders for each character or characters in each specific setting.

My browser folder is usually kind of a mess. I will sometimes do subject-specfic subfolders, but usually I just bookmark whatever I need to and make sure the bookmarks I access the most are at the top of the list.

Again, you will probably add to all of this as you actually get into the plotting phase. I consider this phase and the plotting phase to go hand-in-hand. This is really just about getting everything set up and ready to go.

This is also a good time to figure out things like a writing schedule (if you need to set one), daily or weekly word count goals, and get your writing space organized if you have one.

4. Plotting...

There are many different ways you can plot your story, all depending on what works best for you and the needs of your story. Some writers simply like to come up with an exhaustive summary of events from beginning to end. Others like to do some sort of outline. You may want to do a timeline and a scene list as well. My post how to outline a plot will walk you through some of the different options, and my plot and structure master list has lots of other posts that may be useful to you during this time.

5. Start writing!

Once you’ve gotten your story plotted out (or not, if you’re choosing not to plot), it’s time to sit down and start writing. Here are some things to keep in mind:

-- This is the very first draft of your story and it’s going to be ROUGH, which is why it’s often referred to as the “rough draft” or “zero draft.” This draft isn’t going to be perfect. It’s going to be messy, ugly, meandering, and kind of awful, and THAT’S FINE!!! This is just the rough sketch or mockup. You’re going to improve upon it later.

-- Because this is the first draft, now is not the time to worry about word choice, sentence structure, word play, grammar and punctuation, flawless story structure, etc. Just get the story down to the best of your ability. You’re going to make it pretty in the later drafts.

-- Also, because this is the first draft, don’t be afraid to go a little hog wild. You don’t have to worry about word count and having a tight story now. Feel free to go off on tangents, delve into fluffy scenes, and follow weird threads. Dive in and explore your world and its characters. This exploratory process allows you to kind of throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. A lot of the time you’ll end up discovering gems you hadn’t considered initially. Again, you can figure out what to cut out later on.

-- AGAIN... DO NOT EDIT AS YOU GO. I mean, look... sometimes, more experienced writers develop a process where they do edit as they go, and that’s fine. But until you’ve written enough stories from beginning to end to know what works for you, don’t trouble yourself with editing as you go. The most important thing right now is to write this story from beginning to end. Once you get to the end, you can go back and make it pretty.

-- It’s okay to feel frustrated and have days where you need to take a break. You may have days where you just want to delete the story and move on, but don’t do that. If you need to, walk away from it for a few days or a week and come back to it later. If the story still isn’t working for you, save everything and start on a new project, but never delete what you have no matter how much you feel like you hate it now. You never know when inspiration will strike and you’ll decide to go back to an old project.

Good luck with your story!

[disaster-fruit]

and I know it's unfair because I haven't answered the ask yet but you're Brazilian so you know way more than me but I'd love to hear your thoughts about Imperial Brazil?? I'm really struggling with him bc i know about him in this era more from a portuguese perspective.....

YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T ANSWER THIS HUH 

Sorry for taking so damn long audshdf I was saving this ask to do a real deep dive into the whole empire with a lot of historical explanation and a lot of detail buuuut I was having some trouble coherently organizing my thoughts about Pedro II’s reign so instead I’m gonna use this ask to more loosely talk abt the first half of the empire. You’ve seen my basic thoughts on the second half on that other post, so now I’m gonna ramble mostly about 1808-1840.

Also, hm, this is LONG. It’s embarrassingly long. I hope you have time. 

And yes 1808-1822 is not part of the empire, but Brazil was no longer a colony in practice during those years, and I think they were crucial to his development as a person. 

Before 1808, Brazil pretty much grew up alone. His mother was around less and less, and he had no friends. Portugal was, as we already know, a shitty dad. Up to that point, he was not only absent but also very controlling. He never allowed Brazil or his people to learn how to read, Brazil wasn’t allowed to have libraries or universities or newspapers or even print. Portugal alienated Brazil both from his mother and from Port himself. He was forcefully kept from developing his own ideas, and his growth was stagnant – even physically. The way I see it, after 300 years he was still a small child, while the others around him were already growing into teenagers even though they were younger in actual numbers. Portugal literally kept him from developing as a person, by force. 

But suddenly, Portugal needed him. Suddenly, he showed up at his shore, with hundreds of people, and objects, and books. And though Portugal desperately needed Brazil at that time, his king couldn’t be there with Brazil being like that. That land with no cities and no libraries and no economy no nothing because he was forced to have nothing. 

He starts growing really, really fast, and forcefully again. And it was a painful process – his people were being kicked out of their houses so that the people that arrived from Portugal had where to live. In a few years, he grew almost as fast as humans did. But it was still an incomplete growth – most of his people were still living in misery, but now he had a structured state that allowed him to more firmly fit into what a nation means. But it all happened so fast he was… dizzy. 

And that was all combined with what was happening in his relationship with his father. They had both gotten much closer now that Portugal was physically there more often. I think Portugal is considerably less shitty to Brazil during these years, both because he needs him and because he is a relief from everything going on in Europe. But that doesn’t mean he became a good dad, but also Brazil was a lot smarter now, a lot freer, and quick to realize something that had always been true – Portugal needed Brazil more than Brazil needed Portugal.��Much more. 

The fact that he wasn’t a colony anymore but wasn’t quite independent, and thus still had to obey Portugal to some degree, started to annoy him. This has quite a bit of teenage rebellion element into it, but that doesn’t mean it came from unjustified anger. Not at all. His pride and ego were starting to really develop. The king of Portugal liked him better than he liked port himself, Brazil was heaven on earth, Brazil was rich, Brazil was full of potential, Brazil was great, Brazil was paradise, Brazil was not his own.  

And that just keeps building.

And when Portugal starts talking about making him a colony again. After all that shit about the being a united kingdom, about Portugal being his father and trying to get close to him, of seeing him as a refuge and a relief, after all of that connection I think Portugal genuinely tried to build with him, the ugly truth is bare again – Portugal never saw him as worthy of equal footing, never saw that united kingdom as anything but temporary, never saw brazil as anything more than a colony. 

And Brazil is mad. 

When he found out the plans of Pedro I to declare independence, he’s more than happy. He’s been thinking of it for a while, and I think maybe deep down he didn’t love the idea of another Portuguese man being his boss, but Pedro had grown up in brazil, dude was carioca at heart, his wife was wonderful, Brazil could work with that. He declared independence, fought against Portugal, won, still had to pay for his independence, but, at last, he got it. 

I think in a way Brazil’s anger, as righteous as it was, did blind him to what was going on. He wanted so bad to get rid of Portugal and avoid going back to how it was when he was a colony, that he waved away or even approved things that really just kept him stuck in the same place. Very little actually changed for most people, and as someone who literally represented all the people, he knew that and could feel that, but he was still so euphoric personally about it that he… ignored it. 

Pedro I’s reign was… messy. He needed a constitution, he got into a war with Argentina, everyone was talking about who Pedro was fucking, it was just a whole mess. For that reason, I think despite declaring his independence, brazil remembers Pedro as being mostly an irresponsible asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants and was too busy being a playboy to rule this country yet still managed to be authoritarian and also made him lose Uruguay. And when it came time for him to choose Brazil or Portugal, just like his father, he chooses Portugal. 

That was a blow on his ego. Brazil at this point was still just a teenager, who had in two decades grown insanely fast for a nation, has been told by each king his land was heaven on earth and so much richer than Portugal, yet no one was willing to choose him. Ever. He was still an afterthought. Like a colony, that still had a metropolis. Pedro left him with a 4-year-old, with a government disorganized, and no money. 

And then the Provinces start to rise up. 

So, hm, a quick background on how I see the provinces: Some of them existed since around 1530, some were younger and some weren't around yet, and if Brazil first appeared representing the people that were born in this new colony, the provinces were much more… administrative and political. Yet many of the ones that were around grew much faster than Brazil – they were already teenagers or even adults by independence. They had always responded directly to Portugal and for a long time saw no connection between themselves or between them and Brazil. The idea of “Brazil” was only like… 100 years old, even less than that. And some of them were not loving being attached to those two kids – Brazil and the baby emperor. They saw the weak government of the regency as a chance to rise up and declare their own independence, as many who started as provinces around them had – like Uruguay.

The regency lasted 9 years, but I think those few years were also crucial to form Brazil as a person, due to how stressful they were. Think about it, he saw what was happening around him, with Spain’s former colonies. And I think he for the first time had to grapple with the very human existential fear of death. 

If each of his provinces became their own country, would he still be around? Would he just become… Rio? But Rio existed as a province too. Would he just… be a lot of different countries? Probably not.  He would probably disappear. He had only just started to be allowed to live, but that could be taken away at any moment. Uruguay and Rio Grande do Sul succeeded in getting their independence. How long until the others? It was quite terrifying. And I think that experience not only made him averse to the idea of being a republic in general at the time, but also created a lot of emotional and psychological problems for him, a lot of insecurity, as well as it made him realize he was nothing. There was nothing to justify his existence. He couldn’t say he existed because he wanted freedom or republic, he had none of these, plus it was something the provinces too could have. What united that land? What made him him? Those were all questions that would haunt him for the rest of the empire, and he would soon be more than willing to go after and accept easy answers. That’s how he gets to that whole indianismo think I talked about some time ago.

He fights his own provinces, on people, countless times. Revolts that really were like civil wars kept popping, and he, who was just a teenager, had to fight to oppress his provinces and force them into being a part of him, for a reason he himself didn’t know. He couldn’t explain why they should be a part of him, except that they were and he wanted them to be and he wanted to live. And he didn’t know why.

In summary, this whole period was one of fear, and insecurity, and doubt. It shook him profoundly as a person more than as a country. Because once Pedrinho was in power, things were quick to stabilize and it was, in some ways, as if those revolts had never happened, but Brazil remembered them, he lived through them, and never really forgot that fear. 

If the regency was marked by external peace and internal turmoil, Pedrinho’s reign was one of relatively internal peace and external turmoil. Pedro II was… a complicated figure. Most Brazilians today regard him as an excellent ruler and a wise man, but I at least can’t be this optimistic about the man who insisted on the Paraguayan war, refused to abolish slavery for decades, and basically laid ground to a lot of the problems we still have today, like bad distribution of land and late industrialization. He didn’t do all that by himself, of course, a lot can be blamed on the senate, but he was the most powerful man on the country, and he receives way too much credit for his personal beliefs of being an abolitionist and a pacifist. Maybe he really was both these things, but that doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t use his power to end slavery and avoid war, quite the opposite. And why is that important here? Because I think brazil, the tan, was also fooled by it. He quickly bought into the narrative that Pedro II was this wise incredible man, and overlooked all the ways he kept the worst structures of the country untouched in order to not upset the elite that kept him in power. Brazil wanted nothing but stability and power, and Pedro, looking like the opposite of his father at the surface, brought that. There were no more separatist movements or civil wars once he rose to power, Rio Grande do Sul was reabsorbed, and the years that followed were ones of relative prosperity, and all of that really made brazil more and more attached to the whole concept of the empire. I think just like he was willing to ignore a lot of things during independence for the sake of it, here too he ignored all the ways Pedro II held him back so that he could fully feel the pride of being a powerful empire.

Brazil really did like being an empire during that time. The narrative of the empire was one that answered the question that haunted him for so long – what justified his existence. Justifying it, in the 19th century, is what I believe to be the main motivation underlying everything he did and thought. And the narrative was that the empire guaranteed stability and avoided civil wars and fragmentation, allowing Brazil to be, to quote José Bonifacio, “This majestic and solid piece of social architecture from the Prata to the Amazonas”, and again, all that in comparison to his neighbors that were constantly drowning in civil wars and fragmenting. For stability and that justification, he was willing to turn a blind eye to anything else.

So he rose from the regency feeling stronger than ever. Pedrinho had put everything into place, he was growing, he had a Brazilian in power for the first time, his coffee was going well, and he had survived. Many of his neighbors hadn’t, or at least not in the sense of managing to keep their territories intact. He did. His neighbors were unstable, with wars and coups and wars (like he hadn’t just had exactly that), he was stable and growing and he was the strongest. Once free of the fear of being destroyed from the inside, his ego grew once again, and he felt good. He felt pride in being a big strong and centralized empire, and to look down on the other Latin Americans and even on his father. He was ready now to make his power and influence spread, as an Empire. 

That's it, sorry if this is both ridiculously long and also a mess, I have way too many thoughts about imperial brazil and I could've probably written ten more pages of it and still have something to say. Also I'd still love to hear your thoughts on the empire for a Portuguese perspective, because I genuinely have no clue what that would look like. But anyway hmm I hope this was fun? 

[knittedkneil]

Guys, Gals, and Queer Pals. 

I proudly present to you, Project Noah. A THREE YEAR PROJECT examining how to dye a ball of yarn in multiple different colors. I wanna talk about two seperate ways to dye a yarn ball with several different colors and the pros and cons of each. I also want to talk to you about growth. 

Three years ago, in 2016, I had this giant ambition to dye the rainbow for my “Matthew Shepard” scarf. I was so inspired by the message of that pattern, and how closely I feel tied to the LGBT+ community that I simply had to pull out all the stops. I had never dyed before, I had never approached a fisherman construction, nor have I ever tried editing a pattern to fit my tastes. When I finished it, I felt like I could DO ANYTHING. It had all worked out great- all of it except my approach to dyeing yarn. 

It has taken me several years, not only to get to a place where dyeing yarn was financially feasible, but also to learn techniques and learn from my mistakes. I was so DETERMINED to get a rainbow that flowed from one color into the next almost seamlessly. I want to share with you what I’ve learned- and how it feels to see growth in such a real way, 

Three years ago, I thought, that if you put the colors of the rainbow ROY G. BIV in some mason yarns, and divide your yarn equally amount those colors you’d get BAM a rainbow. I used food coloring at the time and nearly obliterated my family’s stock of red food coloring for red velvet cake. I had that vision in my head and I KNEW I could do it– my first result was, severely disappointing. I thought that the colors would magically meld, because I left yarn to dangle in between the yarns- thinking capillary action would bring each color into the next and create that gradient I was looking for. I was wrong. Hopefully. Excited! But wrong. 

Let me tell you my great surprise when I learned that I had accidentally created self striping yarn WHILE I was trying to knit my Matthew Shepard scarf. It was terrifying, hoping maybe it would work as I got farther and farther away from the point I could safely frog it without losing some really hard lace motifs. I was feeling like a failure when I found that last little bit of yarn. It was hanging across ALL of the pots and picked up that gradient EXACTLY I had envisioned it. THERE WAS HOPE. 

So, I tried again. This time I did some research! I found out about sock blanks! SO. Usually it was knit up using a knitting machine (the same kind of toy one that always dropped stitches and started my knitting journey, needless to say at the time it was out of the question) I didn’t have a good one at the time. SO I decided to take out some size 17 circular needles and knit the things MYSELF. YA’LL IT TOOK ME THREE WEEKS. So after finishing, I promptly got some squirt bottles I used for tie dyeing shirts and proceeded to DYE MY SEAMLESS COLORED DREAM. I thought- if it’s in a skein, and I shove a bunch of different colors in each other. MAGIC would happen. AND ID FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET MY RAINBOW. It didn’t quite work out. IT WORKED. Most definitely, but it wasn’t seamless- beautiful, and well enough for my scarf but when I look of that picture of it drying in my shower, I cringe just a little bit. I remember being so EXCITED for that yarn, and getting shot down when I wanted to show it off. So discouraged that it took me another three years to even think of attempting it again. 

Fast forward to today. I have math on my side now. I had finally been able to work out dye concentrations, and the depth of shade I was looking for- and after ensuing mistakes, trials, and experiments. I ended up with 16 mason jars and a whole ton of colors. Once everything was out of the dye pot. I was SO PROUD of the shades that came out. I got teals, I got coral, I got chartreuse! AND IT STILL FEEL LIKE I could go further! 

Let me share with you some of my notes on this. I knew, I would start with my primary colors. Red, Yellow, Blue. I needed a stand in for “Ultra Violet” And I know that the pride flat ops for pink, so pink it was. From there, I had to figure out how I could fully saturate a skein of yarn, but ALSO have the dye solutions light enough so that one color doesn’t fully over take the other. 

Yellow was a .0375% stock solution as they are quite strong Pink was the same concentration. Blue was a .05% stock solution. Red was the same as blue. 

From there I figured out how deep I wanted to get the lighter colors first. Yellow, and Pink. Once I got myself a fade set I was happy with, I went ahead and started adding reds or blues, depending on their position with an inverse relationship. As one color gets strong, the other color gets weaker. 

What I love most about this technique is that you can be extremely accurate and replicate your color way quite easily. If you find a color you absolutely love, you have notes on it to do it again for either a full skein or more mini skeins. It can be expanded- as long as the ratios are the same. 

My frustration with this technique is this. IT DOESN’T FLOW. You’ll gave to get REALLY granular- and maybe do a dozen stages of a gradient to replicate that seamless gradient. I would be really happy to do this for maybe two colors and their transitions- but for a whole rainbow. This will take me more time. 

NEXT. WAS THE SOCK BLANK. 

I used my same stock solutions- one because I made a ton, but two I wanted to try and keep the same relationships between colors if I could. If done right, dyeing a sock blank is endlessly satisfying. For me, it’s very much a messy organic process where your hands get blue, and your whole surroundings become a canvas for colorful chaos. It was a blast. Having my hands on the skeins, squeeze one color into another and pouring the colors on a blank skein made me feel like an alchemist. I didn’t put a lot of thoughts into how big my swatches of color were going to be- and I probably should have been more precise. Nevertheless, I find myself preferring to dye this way if I were just dyeing for me. You may not get exactly what you want- but the joy is i the process. And you can more easily get that kind of “FLOW” into the next color because you’re literally pouring one over another. 

There are a lot of difficulties with this method. One, you have to watch your work surface. Getting bits of stray colors on the skein is really easy. sometimes it’s even inevitable. Your sock blank may not be completely perfect. It usually isn’t easily replicated so knitting double can be really helpful– sock blanks are notorious for their little pockets of resist created by the interlocking knit stitches so if your dye strikes too fast, you’ll get variegated yarn instead of solid or tonal. Because of that, I like to dye without heat and then steam set. That brings more complications though. Watch how saturated you get your yarn with liquid. I say this because, I thought once I had dyed the perfect blue gradient. Before it was time for me to heat set the yarn. It flowed so wonderfully into the next. I couldn’t stop looking at it. I covered it in plastic wrap giant mistake because plastic doesn’t breathe. SO. If you have too much liquid in your skein of yarn. Guess what. its going to pool on the bottom side of the yarn while it steams. Your hard work could get erased in the last stage- and it can be disheartening. Take my advice get a big roll of butcher paper. You can find it cheap at wholesale culinary stores or the internet and it works like a dream.

DID I GET EXACTLY WHAT I WANT?

er. Yes, and no. 

  I am so proud of this work, and I’m so excited to see how I’m going get these skeins knitted up. I can’t help but wonder. How much better can I do this three years from now? 

PLEASE KEEP CRAFTING. KEEP CREATING. EVERY HICCUP IS A LESSON YOU CAN USE TO GET STRONGER. YOU ARE ALWAYS GROWING.